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Friday, April 30, 2010

Possible Interruptions

SHOWER AFTER THE FACT (2 for 1)

Dear Elise,

Last year, my husband and I eloped. When we returned, our engagement party became a very small wedding reception. This June, we are renewing our vows and having a formal ceremony which will be larger. My maid of honor called recently to inquire about a bridal shower. Although I appreciate the gesture and idea, I am not sure if this is in good taste or not. Please help!


Bride Redux


Dear Elise,


I am facing a bit of a quandary. Last year, my husband and I were married in a small civil ceremony with just a few close family members present. Our siblings were not even there - his were unable to attend so I didn't invite mine. All along, the plan was to have a bigger ceremony and reception this summer to celebrate with our friends and family. Since I never had a bridal shower last year (it didn't seem appropriate), my MOH was planning to throw me one this spring. I found out about a month ago that I am pregnant (!) which is happy, although unexpected, news. So it would seem that if we proceed with all of our plans, we will be having a bridal shower in late May, a wedding at the end of June, and a baby shower in the fall before our baby is due in November. Is this just too much to ask of people and their bank accounts in this tough economy? And is there any way to word a bridal shower invitation to state that I am not expecting gifts, I just want to gather with the special women in my life and have a nice social occasion?

Thanks,

So Much to Celebrate

Dear Redux AND So Much,

Congratulations to both of you! This is all great news and you must be overwhelmed and happy.

The best thing to do in both of your cases is to ditch the idea of a bridal shower. You're already married, so having a shower is a little questionable in the first place and at this point you don't really need that particular tradition. If you want to have an all-girl party, that is terrific. Invite anyone and everyone you want to see but avoid using the word "shower." This will absolve anyone of the obligation of bringing a present and you can just have a good time.

Later, if you decide to have a baby shower, no one will feel uncomfortable about shower overload or feel you are being demanding. Showers seem like such innocent parties but because they come with the requirement that all guests bring presents, feelings about this kind of event become complicated. Simplify your wedding seasons and don't do anything that will create any unnecessary awkwardness.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:59 AM    <link>

PARENT PRESENTS

Dear Elise,

Please could you advise me on the etiquette on thank you gifts for parents?


As my parents are hosting our wedding (paying for the reception and have given a year of practical support) I'd like to give them special thank you gifts, such as a big bouquet of flowers or plant for Mum, and a special whiskey for Dad. But what then do I do about my fiances parents? They have each given a money gift each, and his Mum will be helping set up the day before.


Any advice would be much appreciated!


Thanks

June Bride

Dear June Bride,


The key to presents is to give the recipient something he or she would like and appreciate. There is no specific item that applies to anyone. Think about your fiance's parents, or your fiance help you out, and try to imagine what they might like. What are their interests and amusements? Do they have hobbies or passions? You can always look for inspiration in those areas and finds books or other items that could complement their hobbies. You can show your affection and appreciation by giving something that shows you have thought about your in-laws and what they might find appealing.

Don't be afraid of making choices that seem "nontraditional" or "odd". Figure out something simple that would appeal and go for it. If you're stumped and would prefer to stick with the theme or flowers and wine or liquor or framed photographs of some family event for your future in-laws, you can't go wrong either.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:03 AM    <link>

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE EVERY EVENT

Dear Elise,

Last year, my husband and I eloped. When we returned, our engagement party became a very small (35 people) reception. This June, we are renewing our vows and having a formal ceremony which will be larger (170 people). My maid of honor called recently to inquire about a bridal shower. Although I appreciate the gesture and idea, I am not sure if this is in good taste or not. Please help!

Already Wed

Dear AW


At this point, there is really no need to play out all of the standard nuptial events since you are already married. This is one of those situations where if you feel weird about doing something, you may as well skip it. If you want to have a girls' night out or an afternoon party, you can go for it, but don't call it a shower. Since bridal showers come with all sorts of baggage (the mandatory presents, for instance), you risk people feeling that you are taking advantage of the situation when you've already been happily married for a year. In the long run, you'll be happier if you take the shower off your list of post-nuptial/pre-vow renewal events.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:03 AM    <link>

SHE WANTS A MAGNET & SHE WILL HAVE ONE!

Hi Elise,

Preparations for our wedding have been going well, and we are blessed to have had zero drama from either of our families until now. The perpetrator is my fiance's aunt (I'll call her Mary) who lives far away and this will probably be the only time in our lives we have to deal with her.

When we sent our save the dates, we sent one per household. Mary has two adult children (I'll call them Bill and Sue). Bill lives with Mary, but Sue does not. We sent one save the date magnet to Mary and Bill at her home, and a separate magnet to Sue at her home. Mary then called my fiance's mother to complain that she and Bill only got one magnet and will need another, since Sue got one of her own. She is notoriously difficult and has a reputation for being particularly thorny towards my fiance's parents, who usually do what they can to accommodate her demands even though it irks them.

MY fiance's parents have gone so far as to make sure there is a hotel room available to her that accommodates dogs, is non-smoking, has two beds and is handicap accessible. She was notified of this six months ago, and has yet to book the room, which is technically up for grabs to any of the guests who might choose to book it. They did this because of the fit she threw at their other son's wedding because the room didn't fit her specifications. If she waits too long she will not have a place to stay, and will likely throw a fit that will take up much of the Father of the Groom's time the weekend of our wedding.

I hate this kind of rude, bullying behavior, and would like to send her a sweet card letting her know how sorry I am that we only purchased enough Save the Dates to send one per household, and that I hope she understands and wasn't caused any undue stress (I'm sure her adult son wouldn't mind sharing, they only have one fridge to put the magnet on, right?) The other option is to just bite the bullet and send another magnet (we actually do have extras). I'm worried, however that this will set up the expectation for two invitations to arrive in the mail, which I would prefer not to do as they are not cheap. I feel that she continues to act this way because people do bend over backwards to accommodate her, which just gives her ample time to look for something ELSE to complain about. I would prefer to nip it in the bud with a sweet, and pleasant but firm note from me, the bride (not the parents of the groom) in order to manage her expectations. I would also like to include the number for the hotel and a quick note about how it is important to book before it gets too late and the rooms are gone.

I am writing you because I have a feeling that the right thing to do might be to simply send a magnet, expect some tantrums from her during the wedding weekend, and consider her "free entertainment" since I may never have to deal with this woman again.

Thanks!

Peeved

Dear Peeved,

Your fiance's aunt is without question, a piece of work. Is she also a hoarder? Very few people put so much energy into demanding extra refrigerator magnets.

You do understand that there is nothing you can do that will interfere with or interrupt this woman's spite juggernaut. You will not beat her at this game. You can, however, behave in a way that makes some sense to you. Try to control your temper because this is not someone likely to learn a lesson. If you have an extra magnet you can send her way, you may as well pop it in the mail and be glad that it is one less thing you'll have to deal with a few years from now when you try to clean up your desk area.

As for your other issues, you may want to include a note warning her to reserve her hotel room before it gets booked up. And if you feel comfortable and deeply feel that you don't want to send two to the same house, you can add that you've already ordered your wedding invitations and will be sending one to each household, but that you would never want her to be confused about who is invited so she should know that when she sees both her name and her son's name on the envelope that you are looking forward to seeing both of them at your nuptials.

Whether that is the whole truth is not really her concern.

She may complain about this anyway. You could work hard to accommodate her and try to make her happy, or you could take bets on what she is likely to complain about first. Either route you take is fine, as long as you are gracious and not petty about it, which is why you may as well send her that magnet.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:19 AM    <link>

THEY'RE RUDE! WILL THEY COME ANYWAY?

Dear Elise,

My mother's brother and his wife have been a problem for my family for many years.

This past winter, my brother got married and after much waffling on the issue, invited my aunt and uncle to the wedding as a courtesy to my grandmother. They sent back their response card without a note, just "no" checked off. When my grandmother asked why they couldn't attend, they claimed financial constraints (though the wedding was at most a two and a half hour drive away). As the wedding drew closer, my aunt, who had never met my sister-in-law, was inadvertently (honest!) left off the invite list for the bridal shower. When my uncle found out from my grandmother, he was horribly offended, while admitting that she wouldn't have come anyway. He sent my mother a nasty e-mail, saying we'd disrespected his wife. After all of this, my brother wrote a carefully worded e-mail to my uncle calling him out and requesting that he call my brother if he has any response. Of course, my uncle mentioned it to his mother instead.

So, now I'm engaged and faced with the same predicament! We're planning a local destination wedding and are hoping to have guests join us for a long weekend. We don't even have to send save-the-dates for at least six months, but I'm at a loss on how to approach my aunt and uncle. My fiance doesn't want to invite them at all, but I'm wary of putting my grandmother and mother in the middle of that argument. I've considered reaching out to them to ask if we should bother sending them an invitation, but I don't want to deal with any sort of mean-spirited "invite us and find out" response. What seems like the easiest idea is to invite both to the wedding and invite my aunt to the bridal shower, but hope they say no (which they most likely will).

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

- Baffled Niece

Dear Baffled,

Well, you're right. The easiest thing to do with close, if obnoxious, family members is to be gracious but not take the bait they offer. If you invite them and they don't come, they're doing you a favor. You don't want to see them. No one wants to see them. It doesn't matter why they don't come; in fact, the less you know about their thoughts or feelings or interests, the happier you'll be.

Is there any reason not to invite your horrible uncle and aunt? They're clearly primed to take offense, so you won't really spare yourself any bile or outrage by not inviting them. The best approach is to treat them as if you don't really know them or their unpleasant ways very well. Send them a save the date card and don't follow up or ask about their intentions. Send your uncle's wife and invitation to your shower and hope she decides not to come. Invite them to your wedding and when they send back a terse, wordless response card, don't ask why they can't come. You don't want to see them.

The best way to ensure the most silence from these people is to treat them with maximum civility and then ignore them.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:02 AM    <link>

FLATWARE CONUNDRUM

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I recently received an engagement gift of sterling silver flatware from a relative who lives in another state. She received the flatware as a gift a long time ago and realized she would never use it. So she passed it on as an engagement gift to us.

The thing is, we weren't planning on asking for china or any other "fancy" dinnerware. We live in a teeny apartment in San Francisco and consider ourselves a rather laid back couple (we're serving BBQ at our wedding!).

We found out that each place setting costs over $500!! Neither of us feels comfortable eating off of a $100+ fork when we have perfectly fine everyday silverware that we love. Is it acceptable for us to sell the silverware to help pay for the wedding?

She's not attending our wedding because she's afraid to fly (and for the same reason is never going to visit us). We're not sure what to do. We feel morally obligated to keep the flatware, but also feel like it's a bit extensive to eat off of such expensive items.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks!



Fulfilled

Dear Fulfilled,

Well, the first argument for keeping the present is that the silverware will never know if you use it to eat take out Mexican food or painstakingly prepared loup de mer en croute. You never know when you'll have a dinner party and discover that you're short some forks, or if someday you'll feel like playing fancy and want to crack out the fish knives. You haven't been given a set of artichoke plates (which . Flatwear can be endlessly useful, sterling silver or not.

It probably wouldn't be a terrible thing if you decide to sell the flatware but you may want to pause before you make this move. The flatware may wind up having a sentimental significance for you, or you may want to hang on to it for a while in a nod to your relative. You may not keep it forever, but it may not be worth treating it as something so easily expendable. Even if it is highly improbable that your relative is going to make inquiries or visit you and discover that you sold the flatware, it may be a good idea to hang on to it at least until your wedding. (This is assuming that you aren't in desperate straits where selling it would be the only practical choice you could make.) Live with it for a while, try using it, even, and then see if it has a place and meaning in your life.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:57 AM    <link>

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