archive
----------
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009

You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
- Simon & Schuster
- Amazon
- Barnes & Noble

Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Monday, January 05, 2009

ABSENT BRIDESMAID

Dear Elise:

My partner and I have been engaged for just over a year and will be getting married this summer.

Early in the process, I asked my two dearest friends (both of whom live six hours away) to stand by my side as bridesmaids. One of them recently went through a family tragedy, and hasn't really been able to give that much input (understandably). I know that she'll be committed in the next few months, but it's my other bridesmaid that concerns me. She has been very involved in the early stages of planning, and I appreciate all of her efforts. However, her parents have planned a big family vacation abroad for a month in the summer to see her extended family. As luck would have it, the vacation coincides with our wedding. She is won't leave late, or come back early from her family trip (and the trip cannot be rescheduled). It is inevitable that she will not be attending the wedding, which frustrates me a great deal.

My friend hasn't said that she will renounce her role in the wedding party, so how do I deal with this? She told me that she would still like to be involved in the planning, even though she won't attend the actual event. I'm fine with this idea, but then I wonder whether I should ask another friend to be a bridesmaid. (Will that person feel like second pick?) Or should I let it be and have a lopsided bridal party? I also feel as though a decision needs to be made as to her role in the wedding, and I'm not sure how to do that.

- Short a Maid


Dear Short,

This is certainly a disappointment but it does sound as if your friend is doing her best to demonstrate her loyalty to you and to her family. It must be a complete drag for her to find herself caught in the middle.

Chances are, she hasn't talked explicitly about dropping out of your wedding party either because that conclusion seems obvious, or because she isn't ready to admit to you or to herself that this is inevitable. So, if you're feeling impatient, you can always seize the moment yourself. You can talk to her directly (not in email, not through text messages or voice mail) and confirm that she really won't be at your wedding. Let her know that this saddens you but that you do understand that she's up against her family.

Moving on, you don't have to replace your friend in the bridesmaid line up unless you want to. Uneven wedding parties are not at all uncommon, and if this is the easiest and most comfortable situation for you, then don't worry about finding a substitute. Of course, if you do have someone in mind, then you can sub that person in. If you do find a replacement, you can tell your friend that circumstances have changed and you'd be thrilled to include her (or him) in the wedding party.

Beyond that, what are you trying to decide? If you friend will not be at the wedding, she clearly won't be a bridesmaid. She can be an honored friend, someone to whom you can raise a glass en absentia. She can be someone you list in the program (if you have one) as an "absent" bridesmaid (or whatever wording you'd like to conjure), but since she won't be present, all you really must do is confirm that she'll be away, let her know that she'll be missed and that you're really grateful for everything she's done for you and then you proceed.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:43 PM    <link>

SAME LOCATION, DIFFERENT WEDDINGS

Dear Elise,

I was ready to book my reception location when I found out that my fiance's cousin was also planning to have her reception in the same location. There was a chance that she would either get married within only a few weeks of us, or perhaps a few months after us. Either way, our reception site doesn't feel as special anymore. I can't ask her to change because she came up with the same idea at the same time as I did, and I don't feel that I have a right to the space over her. The biggest difference is that she will have her ceremony and reception at different locations, while I will hold both the ceremony and reception in that one location. I'm afraid that if I have my wedding in the same room as her, so close in time, and with many overlapping guests, our weddings will be compared instead of being special and unique to each of us.

Should I keep with my original plans, or should I change to an equally nice, but not quite my dream location? However much I would love to stay strong to my original ideas, I'm more afraid I won't be able to get the comparisons between our weddings out of my, or my guest's, minds.

- In a Dilemma

Dear Dilemma,

It really doesn't matter if you and your fiance's cousin get married in the same venue. Your weddings will be different. While some of your guests will overlap, the majority of the people won't be attending both events.

You are right that you can't ask your fiance's cousin to change her plans. That would be a strangely obsessive gesture and one, which would not gain you any friends.

If this is your dream location and this is a place you feel holds special meaning or is ideal for its location or is aesthetically exactly what you want, why on earth would you turn away from it just because someone else will use it? Yours is not the first or the last wedding this venue will host and chances are, there are many, many choices you can make that will give the venue a sense of being particular to your wedding.

As for your fear that your wedding will be compared to your fiance's cousin's, I think you need to think about this anxiety and find a way to sort through it. Of course there is a chance that the weddings will be compared, just as any two weddings may be compared, but there is also as good a chance that they will simply exist as two events that happened in the same (or similar) season. The only way you can really come out on the bad side of the comparison is if you were to have been unpleasant or negative or difficult. If you are happy and ready to celebrate, your venue will be utterly secondary to the happy occasion.

And really, who cares about these guests? If anyone is inclined to attend both weddings with a scorecard, assigning higher and lower marks for flower arrangements or ceremonies, then they aren't people whose opinions you should find too interesting to begin with because they're missing the point.

Choose the venue that pleases you most. Forget about your fiance's cousin unless this is such a stumbling block that you can't get around it. You should feel comfortable, and that can happen in lots of places.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:14 PM    <link>

THEY HAVE THE WRONG IDEA

Dear Elise,

I was invited to the wedding of a good friend from college whom I hadn't seen in awhile. After I attended his wedding, he went to mine several weeks later, and so did a group of our mutual friends from college (who hadn't been invited to his wedding). His wedding was small and quiet, mainly family.

I, of course, did not discuss having gone to his wedding with our mutual friends. One of my friends found out and attacked me, accusing me of creating a conspiracy as if I was something special and that I was keeping my attendance at his wedding a secret to highlight the fact that he invited me and not them (the exact opposite of what I had attended).

This turned into an ugly scene in my home immediately after the reception where I was actually putting up this friend. She and another "friend" have not spoken to me since the wedding, and I felt so hurt.

Was I wrong not to tell them I had attended? I felt to do so would be to sound like I was bragging, and that it was just rude to discuss something to which they hadn't been invited, so I just didn't bring it up, and quite frankly, I was focused on MY wedding! Were my friends wrong to attack me in such a way? I thought it was obvious that one doesn't discuss events in front of others who weren't invited. Was I impolite while trying to be polite? Every time I think of my wedding, I remember my friends attacking me and not talking to me again.

- Ruined Wedding

Dear Ruined,

Your friends seem to have a lot of idle hours in which to conjure insults and silly affronteries. Really, I am tempted to tell you to send to me on Tuesday afternoons so I can fill their time with necessary chores and bits of research. The only thing stopping me is that I don't think I could stand to be around them.

In short, you are right that one should not trumpet one's invitations (to weddings or anything else) to people who were not invited. The reasonable behavior of reasonable people should be obvious: gloating about invitations to people who did not get them is bound to make people feel slighted or at least uncomfortable.

Having said that, one shouldn't lie or twist oneself into all sorts of knots to deny that one has been invited to something or other. The whole point of the policy is to tread lightly and respect people's feelings.

Moving on, what sort of conspiracy did your friends imagine you and your other friend were committing at his wedding? Did they think he invited you for the express purpose of plotting against them at his nuptials? Perhaps their feelings are hurt because they were left out of the happy occasion. Those are legitimate, non-insane feelings to have, but they have lost a crucial sense of perspective. A wedding invitation is not always the test of a friendship and the fact that someone else was invited doesn't mean that she is harboring any ill will or conspiring or doing anything unpleasant.

Even if these women had a problem with your not having mentioned that you attended the wedding, they were wrong to attack you and they were foolish for not simply saying that your silence on the subject made them feel weird or hurt or whatever it was they were feeling. And they were certainly ridiculous to monopolize your wedding day with this chatter.

So, you were not wrong, unless you lied or got weird with them, in which case you may have owed them a simple apology. Your friends were at least temporarily unreasonable and childish, but if they are still not speaking to you, I think the best thing to do is to recast your thoughts on the matter. You got married and on that day you were able to extricate yourself from a couple of friendships that were guaranteed to rot slowly if they had continued. In this case a swift break may not have been the worst thing.

Congratulations and cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:13 PM    <link>

THE LAPSES OF OTHERS

Dear Elise,

My aunt is hosting a bridal shower for her daughter and has invited my mother, sister, and me. According to their wedding website, however, my cousin and her fiance are not registered anywhere, since they will be moving abroad right after the wedding. We have declined the shower invitation since the party is so far away. I have a few questions. 1. Is it considered acceptable etiquette nowadays for the mother of the bride/expectant mother to host a bridal/baby shower? 2. Is a guest obliged to send a gift even if s/he does not attend a shower? 3. What type of gift would a guest be expected to bring to a shower like this? Money? Am I off base in thinking that this is a little weird and maybe even a bit gauche?

On a completely different topic, my husband received a holiday card today from a married couple who are friends of his from college. Only my husband's name was written on the envelope. My husband and I have been married for a year and half, and this couple should know this since they attended our wedding. I feel pretty snubbed right now and this isn't the first time that a friend or family member of my husband's has "forgotten" to put my name on the envelope. (The other two instances of omission were invitations for a wedding and a Bar Mitzvah.) What do you think is the appropriate response on my (and my husband's?) part, should this annoying trend continue?

Thanks a lot for your input.

- Wondering What the Hell is Wrong with People?

Dear Wondering What the Hell,

In the spirit of the season, I am going to advise you to take a deep, deep breath and then quickly and firmly exhale, letting go of as much of the pique and queasiness you've been harboring about these things as possible. Yes, there have been some comportment irregularities and true dopiness, but keep in mind that correcting people's etiquette lapses tends to be as unfortunate as the error itself. Instead, look towards making adjustments that will make the future more tolerable.

So, you have questions. Indeed, bridal showers are generally thrown by friends or less direct relatives of the bride, expressly to dissuade people from thinking that the bride and her immediate family are rather mercenary. Surely, though you aren't thinking of pointing this out to your cousin or her family. If you are entertaining such thoughts, stop immediately. Saying anything will make you look pompous. It may be that your cousin has no one else who will throw a shower for her, and she dearly wants to have it.

The absence of a registry doesn't automatically mean that there is an imperative to give your cousin a cash present (though this is often what people who don't register hope that people will understand). If there is something you feel like giving, or if you would like to send some token cash (perhaps pooling with your mother and sister), you would certainly be in the clear. Generally, one is not obliged to give presents if one is invited but can't attend a shower, but since this is your family, you may want to make the gesture (and you could either send money or some small or portable item, given the impending move). It doesn't have to be grand by any means.

The holiday card business is another story. Yes, it was a lunk-headed, dim even, to leave your name off the envelope, and it is a little alienating, but when it comes to holiday cards, remember that most people address their cards in haste, at off hours, between bouts of holiday shopping or while they're idling in front of less-than-ideal television programming. They are bound to make stupid mistakes. This doesn't mean you can't gently correct the oversight. Send an email or talk to these people yourself and let these folks know how much you liked the card. If you deliver the message yourself they may realize that they have let you off the envelope (they may also have no idea of the oversight). The invitations offer a different problem. When faced with one of these addressed only to your husband, he should call the friends in question and ask them if you are invited to the event because your name did not appear on the envelope. Presumably you want to know if you're actually welcome and asking will be enough of a correction to the people who left you of the envelope that they need to brush up on their invitation format.

You've dealing with a lot of people who don't really know what's what. They're frustrating, but not actually malicious. The only thing to do is to gently prod them and hope that you can get them a little more in gear.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:30 AM    <link>

I WANT OUT OF THIS

Elise,

About 8 months ago, my good friend became engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid. Six months earlier, she was one of my bridesmaids. For years we were great friends, but lately, she never seems to return my phone calls or e-mails. I feel silly being a bridesmaid for someone I don't even feel like is a friend any more. She finally called a month ago and made a reference to my job, which I haven't had for months! I'm not sure she even knows where I'm living.

I have moved across the country with my husband, and due to the move have not found a job in my field yet. Obviously, we're under a bit of a financial strain and the cost of flights to my friend's wedding is worrying me. I don't want to go into debt to fly cross-country to attend this wedding!

Additionally, I don't know any of her other bridesmaids and they are all good friends, I feel I would be an awkward element in the mix. Finally, we are hoping to become pregnant by the time the wedding takes place (I would be in the first/second trimester if all works out). I know it's silly to cancel plans on what "could" happen, but adding all of this up and I realize I'm not comfortable being in or attending the wedding.

Is there any way to back out of this wedding, or is backing out in any form poor etiquette, as I fear?

-Worried

Dear Worried,

You have quite a list of objections to participating in this wedding percolating. While it is fine for you to have all of these elements in your mind, it sounds a bit as if you're protesting too much when you list them (your friend has seemed distant in recent months, you are worried about finances, you don't know or want to get to know the other bridesmaids, you want to get pregnant. This last excuse doesn't speak at all to whether you would or would not attend a wedding. Many people travel while pregnant if they feel comfortable and if their medical providers sign off on it.) Whatever you do, if you're interested in your friend's feelings, don't enumerate this list.

The real issue with your attending the wedding appears to be financial, and there is nothing wrong with being honest with yourself and your friend about this. Now is the time to talk to your friend. Don't leave a message; don't write an email. Call her and explain to her how sorry you are that you don't feel you can take on the bridesmaid responsibilities given the fact that you live so far away and currently have no source of income.

Tell her now, so she has time to plan around you and if you care about the friendship, continue to ask questions about her plans and be supportive. It is never easy to do this, but your reason, that one reason, is sound. Being a bridesmaid is expensive, as is travel, so your concerns are legitimate. But don't mention all of your other concerns; listing them will have the curious effect of making you sound as if you care less about her, not more.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:13 PM    <link>

I CAN'T TAKE THEM BACK

Dear Elise,

We were just informed yesterday that our son's fiancee would like to postpone the wedding. No date has been decided on. She just postponed with less than two weeks before the wedding! I just purchased their honeymoon for an all-inclusive resort three days before this happened. I was able to redeem the hotel and taxi service from the airport to the hotel and back to the airport, but am unable to redeem the flights of $1300.00. Who should incur that cost? This is too much money to lose.

Thanks,

- Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated Mom,

First, a practical interlude: please check to see if these plane tickets can be exchanged or transferred or manipulated in some way so that they can eventually be used by someone to fly somewhere. Call the airline and keep talking to ticketing people and managers until some sort of situation can be figured out. There may be a fee for ticket reassignment. More on that later. (Given the season, I would suggest you call the airline ticket office early in the day before these poor people get swamped with angry calls from travelers whose flights have been canceled for weather problems or bumped due to overbooking.)

Now, you are asking about responsibility. You presumably purchased these tickets as a present for the newlyweds, and I suggest you treat them as you would any other gift. Give these tickets to your son and tell him they are his to do what he wants with them. If he and his fiancee want to go to the resort anyway, they are free to do so. If your son wants to go on his own or with a friend, he can have at it. If he would rather go some other time, he is responsible for the reticketing fees.

You have been extremely generous and now is the time to treat the present as if it were an object you are giving away. Maybe it will be used for some purpose you didn't intend. Maybe it will be exchanged for something else. It doesn't matter. Your work is done.

And now, no matter when the wedding happens, you will have already taken care of your present and are off the hook for the future.

I'm sorry you're facing this at all, and the fact that it has hit you in a hectic crowded season is just the cherry on top, but a couple of telephone calls should let you sort out a solution.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:45 AM    <link>

NO BIG RECEPTION

Dear Elise,

I'm from the UK and my visa to stay in the UK with my fiance was running out so we decided to have a small quick wedding in Italy with only 9 guests in the beginning of October. Some friends and family wanted to attend but I told them to wait because we would have a BIG wedding next year. Well, now after much debate, we've decided not to have the second wedding and just save the money. Now I regret not having everyone in Italy with us.

My mother says the whole family is wondering if the second wedding is on or not, or if they should give us a gift now or later. She suggested sending out announcements. My dilemma lies in the wording of my announcements. I will include our names, the date we married, location, some photos, but how do I phrase the fact that I'm sorry not everyone was there and now we're not having another wedding? Or should I not mention that the second wedding will not happen since they might gather that from receiving the announcement? I'm not worried about sounding too informal, but I don't want to sound tacky.

- Bewildered Bride

Dear BB,

You are perfectly right to want to send a wedding announcement at this point, so don't hesitate. All of the information you listed is completely appropriate and the photos will be a nice addition.

What you should not do is talk about the party you aren't going to throw. This will only be confusing and a little odd to include in the announcement. It is probably best for you to let this information spread through word-of-mouth or direct responses when you are asked what your plans are. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, but you don't have to print it in an announcement. (The only time you would have to do something like this is if you had already mailed out invitations and then changed your mind.)

If you feel uncomfortable with the prospect of having to talk about your change of plans, you can always tell people who ask that you decided you couldn't manage the big reception but that you'd love to get together and celebrate privately with them.

Congratulations and good for you for knowing your limits ahead of time.

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:42 PM    <link>

Home | IndieEtiquette | Kvetch | Links | IndieMom | Books | Essays | Interviews | Columns
Our Vow | Trousseau | Indieblog

Contact us | Press | Submissions | Email updates

Copyright 2008 Indiebride.com
Reproduction of material from any Indiebride pages without written permission is strictly prohibited.