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Winter
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get
real: A true and terrifying tale of a reader, a magazine, and wedding-cake bubble blowers
By Amy Reiter Spring 2002 | Something very frightening is happening to me. Rather than shrieking with laughter at the new InStyle Weddings, I am devouring it with complete unseemly hunger, like a woman too long starved of celeb-inspired hair and makeup tips and the inside dope on Angie Harmon's nuptials. The thing is, it's not just the star stuff -- though I'm the last person to turn my nose up at good celebrity fluff -- that makes me love it so. It's the creative yet altogether sensible tips, too. The genius of InStyle Weddings is that, unlike almost all the other bridal magazines, this one dishes out advice and pointers you can actually use -- from how to get your guests to boogie all night, to how to pose for the camera so your neck wrinkles don't show ("angle your shoulders to the camera, then turn your head to look straight at it"). Simply, its content puts most other bridal pubs to shame. It is neither a condescending and cutesy Q&A-heavy excuse for pricey ads, nor prone to promoting outrageous fantasies that no sane woman would want. In fact, the latest issue has a section that specifically separates fact from fantasy, while helping you keep within your budget. And then there are the really cool flashes of inspiration tucked away on nearly every page. For instance, I've decided the wedding-cake-shaped bubble blowers touted on page 244 ($7 for 24!) are a must-have and that the Polaroid-enhanced guest book (Jennie Garth has one!) is a notion of sheer genius. I may even get some of the customized postcards the magazine mentions to use as thank-you cards. They look cool -- and since they can be ordered online, they're a much easier do-it-yourselfer than any of Martha's labor-intensive projects. But I'll admit, my InStyle obsession may be getting a bit out of hand. For starters, the other morning, when given a choice between bringing the New York Times Magazine, The New Yorker and InStyle Weddings on the subway into work with me, I chose InStyle Weddings -- even though a) I'd already read it three times and b) it weighs more than the other two put together and I'm trying to ease up on my daily totage. I didn't even worry about how it would look to be publicly poring over a magazine with that odious gum-shower Andie MacDowell on the cover. More alarming still, I became so enthralled with a feature on white shoes, I almost missed my stop. That doesn't even happen when I'm reading, like, Dostoyevsky.
When my editor stopped by my desk to ask how the story I owed him was coming, I replied, "What do you think of these reply cards that leave space for personal notes? Keenen Ivory Wayans used them." Later, my voice wafted above the cubicle walls: "Oh my god! Guess what Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis danced to as their first song?" Silence. "The Bee Gees' 'More Than a Woman!'" But the peals of demonic laughter were all mine. I dialed up a dear friend. "Pierce Brosnan and Keely Shaye Smith threw a kids' slumber party on the night of their wedding. Isn't that a sweet idea?" It was, but she was about to go into a meeting. "Kate Hudson and Lauren Holly wore long coats over their wedding gowns for the ceremony. Do you think I should do that?" My wedding would be outside on a mid-June afternoon, my friend reminded me, and possibly quite hot. She'd call me later. "Wait, wait," I hollered into the phone. "Melissa Rivers had her groom's family crest sewn into her skirt!" A concerned colleague appeared at my desk. "Amy," she said seriously. "We're a little worried about you." "How do you think Anne Heche's wedding-day ringlets would look on me?" I asked. "Put down the magazine," she said firmly. "Can't. Reading about 'Thirtysomething' star Mel Harris's homespun-themed wedding. They had guests drop off gifts on a vintage truck." "Amy, put it down." "No." "Give me the magazine." "No. This wedding planner says that cake alone is good enough for dessert and that other stuff like cookies is gilding the lily. A-line dresses look good on all figures and can be purchased for much less than you'd think. Kristi Yamaguchi's groom wore a lei over a white tux in their wedding photos; they were married in Hawaii, though ..." "Amy ..." "No ..." "This has to stop." "No. It's a good idea to carry white tailor's chalk for on-the-spot gown touch-ups." She snagged the magazine and tossed it to another colleague, who scurried it out of my sight. "You can pick it up at the end of the day," she said, turning on her heel. "A wide heel of moderate height looks good and distributes weight comfortably," I shouted. "They'll give you an extra boost on the big day and still let you dance all night." But she'd already disappeared into the maze of cubicles. ----------- Amy Reiter writes the "Nothing Personal" column for Salon.com. ----------- Are you obsessed with In Style Weddings? Talk with other addicts in Kvetch |
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Sanity
did not return when I got to work, either.