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Friday, January 30, 2004

INVITATION OBLIGATION

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are having a wedding of medium (to us) size, meaning around 150 people. While it's not tiny, I still would like it if we could keep the invitees to the people we *really* want to have around us while we share this moment.

Everyone (by "everyone," I mean my mom, and certain coworkers, but not all of them) insists that I have to invite the head of the department where I work. Apparently there's some kind of problem here that-- even though I really don't talk to him much, he's a very non-social person (he never goes to any kind of office parties, rarely shares lunch with people even at his management level) is not listed in the phone book and told a trusted coworker who was helping me track down addresses that he does not give out his home address-- I must invite him or risk it adversely affecting my career.

He's an okay guy, but truth be told, if it were up to me based on personal feelings alone, I wouldn't invite him. Part of me feels like inviting him would be a "just in case, stay on the safe side" measure, and part of me feels like it would be a transparent gesture. I have a feeling he wouldn't come anyway, and I also am worried it's going to look like I'm just hoping for more gifts. And now I'm left with having to put the invitation on his desk, which seems a bit odd. I'll do that, though, if it's what I should do.

What are your thoughts on inviting one's boss in "this day and age?"
Thanks.

- Good Citizen

Dear Citizen,

Even if you reached far, far back into Emily Post's dustiest pages, you would not find extensive answers to your question. People always imagine the ancient doyennes of etiquette as have been nosy detail-oriented ladies who could as happily give you a list of everyone you must invite, as they could a list or required flatware, but they really didn't care as long as you didn't sacrifice good close friends for people listed on the social register or Who's Who.

You don't have to invite your department head, but take counsel before you make a final decision. You don't mention it, but are you inviting your entire department except this fellow? If you are, consider including him. Otherwise, you risk recreating that awful ostracized-on-the-playground feeling that has scarred everyone- probably even your stiff supervisor. An invitation, if everyone else around him were going, would show a warmth and confidence on your part that he could only appreciate. That said, since he made it clear that he doesn't want to give out his address (possibly even for a wedding invitation- you don't indicate whether your coworker told him what the address would be used for), he probably won't be inclined to attend your wedding anyway. Dropping an envelope by his desk would make you not only, as you say, "safe" but might get your mother off your back.

As for your fears that he might think you were fishing for presents, stop worrying. It is a shame this even entered your mind. Where this nasty attitude towards wedding invitations started, I can't imagine, but it seems insane that you would have to worry that people would think you were trying to take advantage of them by giving them the compliment of an invitation to a happy event. This notion implies that you would be willing to deal with guests you don't know or like because of the gift they might give. It is an incredible paradox that people would think so poorly of their presence and so highly of their presents – as if receiving a box of napkin rings is sufficient compensation for putting up with their condescension. (And if any of you is so desperate for napkin rings that you would entertain someone at your wedding in hopes that he might send you some, spare yourself an invitation and write to me. I have some I would be thrilled to donate to your cause. Any cause, actually.)

Rest easy, you are safe no matter what you do. It is unlikely (though I can't predict these things) that you would be punished for not including your department head, but inviting him may generate some happiness and if nothing else, put some minds at ease.

Cheers and congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 9:09 AM    <link>

DO I HAVE TO?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a completely nontraditional wedding. We want to have the ceremony at the local aquarium, officiated by our best friend, and attended only by immediate family, followed by dinner out and then a short honeymoon camping in the mountains. It's all going to be very low-key and informal. We are completely happy with this arrangement, since we're very nontraditional people and have an extremely limited budget.

The problem is my older sister's boyfriend. We can't stand him, and really dislike the idea of having him at our wedding. They have been dating for about a year and are completely in love and plan to move in together within the next few months and will probably eventually get married. My sister is crazy about this man, spends every vacation from work with him, drives five hours both ways each weekend to see him, and in fact barely sees the family lately. Are we obligated to invite him? My fiance has a brother, but he isn't dating anyone, so inviting or not inviting his significant other is not an issue. I'm not very close to my sister, but I don't want to be rude by not inviting her boyfriend, and we'd rather not let her know how we feel about him since it's really none of our business. If we were having more people it wouldn't be a problem, since we would hardly notice him in all the fuss, but the ceremony itself is unlikely to last more than five minutes and he's pretty hard to ignore in close company. Is there any way to fix this?

- Can't Stand The Sight Of Him

Dear Can't-

Why is it that the people closest to us tend to make the most miserable romantic choices? It is practically a truism that a best friend or unavoidable relative will get together with someone truly annoying.

Traditionally, you must invite people's spouses, and those with whom they are living or to whom they are seriously committed. You have the option of inviting single guests or guests in casual relationships to bring a date. Your sister sits squarely on the fence of "official" rules. She isn't yet living with her boyfriend, and perhaps you can feign ignorance as to the degree of their commitment.

If you don't invite him on the grounds of strict wedding invitation etiquette, you must be prepared to go all the way. (This may be hard to reconcile with the fact that, otherwise, you are not taking a "traditional" approach to your wedding.) To make this work, you have to employ the same rule one uses to exclude children from weddings: Be Consistent. Don't invite anyone else's "casual" significant others. Your sister will be looking for proof that she has been slighted.

Now you know how to avoid inviting him, but do you really want to? Has the Awful Boyfriend ever done anything terrible to you? If he has been horrible, or threatens anyone's safety you can of course exclude him. If not, how does your objection go beyond distaste, and how do you think he actively threatens your happy occasion?

Omitting him brings up a fistful of tricky issues. Can you handle your sister's anger? You and she may not be close, but this gesture may push this comfortable distance into a different and toxic realm of sibling spite. It appears your sister really depends upon this man to the exclusion of almost anyone else, and she may feel protective of him and become furious at your (discreet) scorn. Because weddings are events full of symbolism, people react strongly to the meanings behind gestures like invitations, so you may want to consider the possibility that any rage or sadness on her part will last a long time and possibly become an annoying companion on holidays and other family occasions.

On the other hand, how do you feel about a possible boycott? Your sister may decide that if you don't want the Awful Boyfriend, you don't want her either. If this possibility seems reasonable to you, then you have less to worry about, but if you feel that her absence would be too much of an insult or future burden, you may want to reconsider.

This last thought that has less to do with etiquette than with psychology. If you truly want your sister to see the light about her Awful Boyfriend, consider inviting him. Excluding him or expressing even minute dislike may push her more firmly into his embrace. Still, it is your wedding and not really the place for family therapy or experimental theater, so this is truly up to you. I would beware of making choices to accommodate one day that might create unpleasantness for many future weeks and months.

Congratulations, your wedding plans sound lovely.

Cheers,

Elise



posted by Elise at 7:38 PM    <link>

STICKY SHOWER SITUATION

Dear Elise,

I have rather a sticky situation on my hands. The other day, my mother phoned to tell me that some people I grew up with want to throw me a bridal shower. They want a list of people to invite, particularly friends from my hometown. This is very sweet of them.

The problem is that I have no intention of inviting these people, or the people they want to invite to the shower, to my wedding. It's supposed to be small, family and close friends only, and it's already bloomed to nearly 150 people. (We both have large families.) We are planning to have a party in the city we live in (about a 2.5 hour drive from my hometown) after we return from our honeymoon, just to celebrate the occasion with the friends who we couldn't invite to the wedding. I don't have any problem with inviting all of these people to the party, but I don't want to invite them to the wedding--we can't afford it.

My problem, in a nutshell, is that I'm afraid of offending these women by telling them that I'm not interested in their generous offer to throw me a shower, but I'm also afraid of offending them by not inviting them to the wedding if I do take them up on their offer. Help!

- In a Delicate Situation

Dear Delicate,

In this you have my sympathies. The dramas of inclusion and exclusion form a circle of Wedding Hell. There is the Inevitable Rule of Guest Selection (you must invite some people who nauseate you while folks you adore must be chopped off the guest list); the Songbook for the Invited (featuring such tunes as: "I Have Nothing to Wear" and "I Want to Bring Four More"); and the Rising of the Neglected (who want never to speak to you again, except to tell you how hurt they are). This is just the way things are with weddings. Important occasions tend to necessitate some selection and ranking of friends, family and acquaintances, and figuring out how to handle your crowds is no small endeavor.

You have determined to be semi-ruthless, having cut the guest list down to essential family and friends. There is nothing wrong with this, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You were smart, but this choice effects other plans, among them, what you do about this shower.

It may seem dreary of me, but I dredge up the shade of Traditional Etiquette here because it addresses your problem. Conventionally, the shower is a rare breed of party because presents are not optional but required. Even weddings themselves are not so present-oriented. Shower guest lists should include only people who are also invited to the wedding. This indicates that the invitees are actually close to the bride and, by extension, that the bride is not just angling for presents. (Thank God, this rule doesn't apply to baby showers and the birth, and I hope it is decorum that makes this the case and not just the limited space in delivery rooms.)

So, traditional etiquette would have you sit this shower out, but this is your call. If you feel comfortable inviting the shower guests to the post-honeymoon party instead of the wedding, you certainly can. The key is this: you know your friends. If you think they would feel slighted or make snide comments after the fact, then I would say you should forgo the shower.

One other choice that gets you out of offending everyone is to jettison the event's only possibly objectionable element. Turn it into something other than a shower. You would just have to explain your discomfort to your hometown friends, mentioning your after-the-fact reception, and tell them that you would love to have a non-shower, pre-wedding, hometown party. This would absolve you of any impropriety.

Go with your conscience. You know best. If you want to throw etiquette to the winds because you are sure that your friends won't mind not going to the wedding, you can certainly proceed, but I suspect you will feel safest and happiest if you swap the shower for another kind of party. This will let you enjoy all of these happy events with impunity.

Cheers and good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:19 PM    <link>

CASH REQUESTS

Hello,

My fiance and I have been living together for over five years and we have accumulated household items that we need. We are getting married soon and I was told by many brides that I need to register for "stuff" otherwise people we'll give you "junk."

Here is the deal. Everyone in both our families knows that we are anything but traditional. My fiance and I need a fund for our honeymoon and we need a down payment for our future house. So, how do we get people to contribute to the funds instead of traditionally register to get "things" we don't need or want? How do we pull this off tastefully?

Please write me soon, I desperately need help on this one

Thanks,

Already Have It

Dear Already,

Where once Eternal Questions- meaning of life, nature of love sorts of things- used to have a philosophical bent, they now have a more concrete source. Since IndieEtiquette started, there have been more questions about wedding presents and their mysteries than any other issue. (Letters from November 7th, December 21st and December 24th all deal with present problems.) I am not being dismissive when I observe this, because these issues point to seismic shifts in society and relationships that are impossible to ignore.

To cut to the chase, I don't think you can tactfully ask people for money. Even registering for presents (be they wedding or baby, housewarming or birthday) can feel awkward. Attitudes towards registering have shifted considerably over the years and now many people consider registering to be a favor the wedding couple does for the guests – so they won't have to concern themselves too much about shopping or decisions. Things are changing. The world is not what it once was, but regardless of how much sense asking for cash instead of presents makes, requesting money is problematic. It seems uncomfortable and mercenary, and I think this queasiness made you write your letter.

Presents represent much more than the objects or their monetary values. They are imbued with all kinds of meaning, inanimate things testifying to the states of the relationships between the couple and their friends. Where once the wedding gift was a nicety (Amy Vanderbilt's own favorite wedding present, and this reveals a lot about la V., was a Meissen covered dish that the friend had taken off her own china shelf), it is now shivers under the threat of excessive inspection and what its qualities say about the friendship. In general, the safest attitude to take with presents is to assume nothing, expect nothing. Anything beyond nothing is a happy, or at least curious, surprise.

I sympathize, but I don't have the answer you want. The only way to ask for money in this situation, really, is to get friends and family to spread the word. Beyond that, honeymoon registries are a possible route. There is some discussion about them in "Alternatives to Registering" in Kvetch. (If you are interested, I would beseech you to consult with a travel agent before signing up.) Regardless, it is very hard to tell people you just want cash, and giving money is something that comes with its own baggage. Some cultures endorse it, others don't. Some people like to do it; others find it horribly impersonal; it's an impossible tangle of lifestyle and taste. This is one area of the wedding you can't control. Your guests will do what they want. Perhaps attitudes will continue to mutate and financial requests will become less uncomfortable-making, but in this moment, people will still feel bullied and put off.

A Pollyanna moment: Weeks ago, I mentioned someone who received a mystery present of something her friend decided had to be two condom holders. It was eventually identified. ("What was it?" you all cry. I can hear you.) The items in question are actually special individual butter dishes. These may have no practical use, really, but I can tell you that the owners of said dishes have been eating out on tales of the mystery gift and its identity. So, even if you get something peculiar, as long as it is of a reasonable size and doesn't require excessive care and feeding, know that there is pleasure to be found in it.

Cheers,
Elise


posted by Elise at 10:39 AM    <link>

ELOPING 101

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I would love to go away to some tropical paradise and tie the knot. We mentioned this in passing to our parents. My family didn't react whatsoever (I'm not sure if they thought we were joking or if they just don't care). On the other hand, my boyfriend's family loved the idea and couldn't wait to be invited.

I don't know if it's just me but I thought eloping was when the two people who love each other go off together on a trip and come back married.

It's not that we want to exclude either of our families from our wedding (we plan to have a huge reception when we return) but we just want a small ceremony. We think that trying to have a small ceremony at home would be impossible as each of us have huge families and we really don't know when we can stop inviting without hurting anyone's feelings.

We would love it if our immediate families came with us when we eloped but my family doesn't like to travel, and would feel excluded if my boyfriend's family came.

Please help!

Eloping Amateur

Dear Eloping,

Usually families make trouble for wedding couples by tampering with plans and trying to fob off all kinds of bad ideas and unreasonable demands with strong-arm tactics and tears. Rarely does it all start, as it has for you, with a syntactical mistake. You are right. Your boyfriend's family has confused an elopement with a destination wedding.

It's a compliment. Your boyfriend's family likes you. Eloping used to be considered a social disaster of epic proportions. This was because couples tended to run off when forbidden to marry by one or both sets of parents. The subsequent marriage would serve to highlight this disapproval and invite nosy gossip about the match, and the wedding couple would never hear the end of it.

Your challenge now is having to tell your boyfriend's parents that they can't come. Your instincts are on target. If you take off to get married, you can't have one set of parents come along and not the other. That will cause, and I almost never resort to hyperbole, unimaginable horrors.

If you elope you have two choices, neither of them perfect. Having made all the parents aware of your intentions to elope, you could just do it and give them a call after the fact. This is not a new thing by any means. In 1962, the generally brittle Amy Vanderbilt unbent a little to write about elopements, saying that the good kind of elopement (as opposed to what she daintily calls a "runaway marriage") is one in which families in friends will only be surprised by the "day of the elopement, not the fact of it." Beware in this case of inviting others along. It could be very dangerous to include any relatives or friends, since doing so would inevitably make the mothers and fathers feel bad about not being invited. (Most places you go will be able to scrounge up some witnesses for you.) Since you intend to have a big bash at home, you won't deny anyone the pleasure of celebrating with you, so you're home free.

You can try to hedge your bets, but it's tricky. Pick your date and dream location (in light of these January temperatures, the tropics could not sound more appealing) and then try to secure the promise from both families that they will attend. (Your parents may not like traveling, but they may feel differently since it would be for your wedding.) This is risky, and I only suggest it in the event that you really very much want all the parents to be at the ceremony. If one set agrees to go and the other refuses, you're in a bad place and then you may just have to resort to eloping without notification.

As is often the case with etiquette, comfort depends on consistency. Explain your position to all parties and treat them both with respect and equanimity. Then go and have the wedding you want, followed by a fabulous party with your friends and family. If there are sore feelings at all, consider making some concessions on the post-wedding party where you might otherwise dig in your heels. Sometimes ceding a bit of control smoothes the ruffled parental feathers more elegantly than words.

Cheers and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:57 AM    <link>

NOT INVITED

Dear Elise,

I was a bridesmaid in my sister-in-law's wedding last month (December). I was talking to my mother-in-law just recently and she let it slip that my sister-in-law (her daughter) had a bridal shower. I did not know of this bridal shower and am sort of mad that I was not invited. My mother-in-law mentioned it in a conversation, and then quickly changed the subject. We were planning on having a bridal shower for her, but it seemed like it wasn't going to happen since her wedding was right after Thanksgiving, and right before Christmas. We both work in retail, which makes it difficult to get our schedules to work out. I'm not sure, but I believe that she had a bridal shower without me thinking I was going to be too inconvenienced to go, and that if she didn't tell me about it, that I would never know, and wouldn't care anyway. Well, like I said, her mother let it slip out, and now I'm upset that she didn't even ask me if I could go or not. I would have at least appreciated an invitation even if it meant that I may or may not be able to attend. Should I say something about this or what should I do?

--Left Out

Dear Left Out,

There is no way around it. It is a lousy thing to learn one has not been included in a celebration. Beyond my sympathies, however, there is not much I can offer you. Wedding showers are peculiar events, and they are as difficult for the fusty world of traditional etiquette as they are for those of that are not so strict.

Showers were invented to provide women with the necessities for dealing with the daunting prospect of setting up their future homes. As Amy Vanderbilt herself pointed out in the 1963 edition of her Complete Book of Etiquette "the basic idea of a shower is practicality." Of course, most brides today already have most practical necessities, and the shower has evolved into something a little different, where women are often told to bring presents based on themes (the "lingerie" shower or the "round-the-clock" shower come to mind). Showers present a kind of conundrum for traditional etiquette because they are pretty much the only type of party in which presents are mandatory. For every other event there is a degree of choice in gift-giving, but the entire pretext of the shower is that the bride-to-be will be, er, showered with presents, all of which must be opened and cooed over in front of a crowd of intrigued guests.

Because of the potential for avarice, there are a couple of rules of thumb for showers. Traditionalists tend to feel that it looks greedy for the bride's mother, sister or other close family members to host a party that has the sole purpose of collecting presents. As a result, showers are generally hosted by friends or very distant relatives. The problem with a party thrown by someone who doesn't necessarily know the bride extremely well is that unless the bride is thoroughly consulted people can be left out. This actually happens with some regularity because people often like to throw "surprise showers," where the bride doesn't have any input on the guest list at all. (Though, given the general levels of stress brides are under, this seems like a recipe for a trip to the emergency room.) Another informal "rule" of wedding showers is that, while no one should be invited to the shower who isn't invited to the wedding, it is not necessary to invite people to the shower who live out of town or for whom it would be extremely inconvenient to attend. This is ostensibly a courtesy, so as not to burden these guests with extra travel.

These facts could be relevant to your question. I don't know the details of your situation, but if you're feeling charitable, there is the possibility that you were overlooked by a hostess who handled the guest list without consulting your sister-in-law, or that you weren't invited because you would have had to travel or take time off work that you couldn't manage. The excuses don't really matter, though. You weren't invited and your mother-in-law screwed up. There isn't really anything you can do about it, though. Your anger is legitimate, but talking about it won't really change things and you risk creating great discomfort with your in-laws.

This is a case where you are best off cutting your losses. I am not a Pollyanna type by nature, but I think you would be happiest if you kept your anger and hurt to yourself and take comfort in this: during a season full of obligations, Thanksgiving to New Year's, with a wedding thrown into the mix, you didn't have to go yet another party or find yet another present. If you look at it that way, you got off easy.

Again, I'm sorry.

Elise



posted by Elise at 1:51 PM    <link>

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