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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Sunday, February 29, 2004

BELATED RECEPTION

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I plan to marry in Bali in May, with only our parents attending. We are trying to plan a reception for when we get back, to be held within 2 months of the wedding.
We are not planning to send out invitations to others for the wedding, but rather an announcement of the marriage and an invitation for the reception upon our return.

What is standard protocol for situations such as these? In particular, will you the address bridal shower issue (is it appropriate) and give some reception pointers? Can we have a full out wedding reception? Can I wear my wedding gown, or is that inappropriate? Can we have a wedding cake at the reception?

Thanks,
Bali Bride

Dear Bali,

Has someone been pouring poison in your ear? I only ask because your plans sound perfectly appropriate, and I hope you're not writing to me out of guilt or anxiety brought on by some nagging outsider.

You ask about "standard protocol" for your plans. While you are treading (though only lightly) off the beaten track, your choices leave you in the fortunate position of being able to do anything you want. Since your wedding will have already happened, all those fierce expectations that burble up among parents and family members will have dissipated, leaving you able to tailor the event to your interests. Feel free to choose which, if any, wedding reception formalities you like, and throw the rest out the window.

Don't let the novelty of your plans make you feel you have to forego traditions you like. You can absolutely have a shower (though following my suggestions for "Shower Safety" (IndieEtiquette, February 22nd), you would do best if you invited the shower guests to your reception). Beyond that, the field is clear. Wear your wedding gown (and how nice it will be to get to be able to give it a second outing), have a wedding cake, throw any kind of bash you want.

Congratulations, and in your honor, the Rudy Vallee tune "I Want to Go Back to Bali" has been rolling through my head.

Cheers,
Elise

You can write to IndieEtiquette at: indieetiquette@yahoo.com

posted by Elise at 2:01 PM    <link>

SHOWER SAFETY

Hi!

Thanks for starting this column. Can I invite girls from my office to my bridal shower that I am not inviting to the wedding? I would love to invite them all to the wedding, but can't afford to.

Thanks,

Showering

Dear Showering,

You're very welcome. The column is my pleasure.

I'm afraid the ice under your feet is rather thin, placing you at risk for a dunking. While I often gesture to so-called traditional etiquette as a point of reference, I always point out where the old mores are threadbare or too inflexible for practical modern use.

On this point, though, I have to sit up in my straight-backed chair and cross my ankles. It would be unwise to invite your office friends to your bridal shower and not your wedding. First, you might confuse your coworkers. Traditionally, everyone who is invited to a shower is also asked to the wedding. Since this is something of a social "given", you will be prone to falling into the inevitable pit of discomfort that opens up when one must explain to people that one can't accommodate them at an event. The reason this is the way of things comes from long-standing tradition: showers are parties that require presents, and the unspoken "courtesy" in response to the gifts is to include people at thewedding. It can be seen as greedy or present-mongering to ask lots of people to a shower who you won't be including in the wedding guest list.

This may not be the answer you wanted, but it may save you some squirmy conversations and awkward feelings that could be most unpleasant at the office.

Set yourself free from these stodgy rules. Nothing at all prevents you from doing something else with your co-workers and friends: pre-nuptial drinks, a fancy lunch, bowling is enjoying something of a renaissance, anything really, as long as presents are optional.

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

Etiquette questions welcome - nothing too petty. Write to Elise at: indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Personal: I am upping the ante. The first person to ask for my napkinrings will also get a tray of brownies. Nuts or no nuts: Lady's choice.

posted by Elise at 7:10 PM    <link>

BRIDESMAID LAND, PART 1

Dear Elise,

I have a dilemma. I want to keep my wedding small because we are getting married in Hawaii. I have two girlfriends one who I have known my whole life but who is unreliable, to put it nicely. I have asked the one who is more reliable [to be a bridesmaid] but who I have known a much shorter time to be in the wedding. Should I ask the other girl also? I am worried she is going to flake out at the last minute and not be there or if I don't ask her and she does go to the wedding she will have an emotional breakdown at my wedding.

Help

- How Many Bridesmaids

Dear How Many-

You are actually in a very good position. This is only a dilemma if you make it one. All you really have to do is decide what you want.

Bridesmaid traditions are murky, and actually have become more rigid in recent years than in the often reviled "Old Days." A glance back at Emily Post's "Blue Book" from 1946 reveals only that bridesmaids should wear matching outfits (that the bride selects and the maids pay for), that there can be anywhere from zero to ten of them, and that there is usually a shower and/ or pre-wedding luncheon. There is no mention of explicit bridesmaid's duties or obligations beyond that, and I don't think her reserve comes from wartime paper shortages. In recent years, I have noticed that there are some jobs that typically fall to bridesmaids. This is reasonably reasonable, since when kept in check it really amounts to brides asking close friends for help. Bridesmaid treatment has gotten better and worse since the late 40's. On the one hand, it is a relief that people have realized they can dispense with the matching outfits, but on the other, some brides feel that in their bridesmaids they have a flock of personal assistants who will take on countless hours of chores, and any resistance or hesitation is seen as a failure of commitment or friendship. It's tricky, but the way to get around in Bridsmaid Land is to employ that old "do unto others" saw. Never ask a bridesmaid to do anything you wouldn't do for her if the tables were turned.

Question time: What do you want from your bridesmaids? Do you want them to do things for you, or just stand up with you at your wedding? Does your wedding size permit two attendants (bridesmaids or a maid of honor/bridesmaid combo)? Does your hesitation about the flakey friend come from a fear that she won't help or won't come to the wedding at all?

If you can ask both of your friends to be bridesmaids, I think this might be the most diplomatic route to take, especially if you are a bride with low expectations. If you ask the flake to be a bridesmaid and give her no responsibilities at all, then her actual attendance isn't so important. You don't want anything from her but her presence and you were planning on inviting her anyway. Since yours is a destination wedding, you are working with a potential advantage. Your spacey friend will have to buy a plane ticket if she intends to go at all, and that should give you some warning as to her intentions.

So consider the questions. Once you figure out what you think you need from your friends, it should be easy for you to choose one or both, and enjoy a wonderful wedding in Hawaii, home of remarkably delicious shaved ice.

Cheers,

Elise

No question is too small or too weird: IndieEtiquette can be reached at: indieetiquette@yahoo.com

posted by Elise at 9:08 AM    <link>

RELUCTANT TO REHEARSE

Dear Elise,

After months of feeling torn between my family's traditional take on weddings and our not-so-traditional idea about what we wanted our wedding to be, my fiance and I came up with the perfect compromise! We are going to have the small, intimate ceremony that we've wanted with about 40 people, officiated by our best friend, on Cayuga Lake at the beginning of this autumn, followed 2 days later by a larger party with a Rabbi performing a ceremonial blessing, with all 200 people that my parents insist must be at our wedding.

To do this, we have to rent a bus to get everyone upstate and back in time for the second wedding, as well as pay for a cocktail reception for the first wedding, followed by a full sit down dinner and live band for the second wedding. What are our obligations as far as having a rehearsal dinner the night or nights before the weddings? The first wedding would include all the people that we would have had at the rehearsal dinner, if we were only having one, big wedding. However, considering the size of the first wedding and the expense of coordinating these two weddings, what is our obligation to sponsor a full sit down meal for the night before that will basically include ALL of the people that will be there the next day?

From rehearsal dinners that I've been to, they've almost been like small weddings in themselves. I feel like this would be redundant. Please advise if we are obligated to have a rehearsal dinner and also, what is the point of having one, anyway?

Thanks,

The Unrehearsed Bride

Dear Unhrehearsed,

Congratulations both on your engagement and on deciding to placate your parents. The plans sound lovely, and their complexity (multiple events, bus rentals) should you give you plenty of ammunition if you are ever accused of not being accommodating.

So, how many parties do you want? This isn't a trick question; it's a liberating one. The short answer: if you want another party, by all means throw a rehearsal dinner, but if you feel you're going to be doing enough entertaining, cross it off the list. You are not obliged at all to have one.

You ask about the purpose of rehearsal dinners. The reason these things seem to you like "small weddings" is that they are- some of them, at least. Traditionally, weddings with complicated multi-part ceremonies filled with performances and readings are rehearsed, because it would be unwise to trust that everything will run like clockwork. (It is a testament to the power of faith to think that the flower girl, having been shown what to do the day before, won't freak out and run back up the aisle, but perhaps the practice will mitigate the most hysterical hysteria.) Once everyone has been brought together and put through the paces, what else are folks going to do but eat? The rehearsal dinner's origins also explain the formality of the "traditional" guest list for the party, which includes: the bride and groom, their immediate families, the bridal party, out-of-town relatives, the officiant, and (money and space permitting) out-of-town friends. That said, people throw rehearsal dinners even if they don't have ceremony run-throughs, and invite all kinds of people who aren't on the most rigid of invitation lists.

This may or may not be something you have to deal with, but the rehearsal dinner has another curious "old-fashioned" element that comes from real or imagined inter-family turf wars over the wedding events. While it has traditionally been the bride's family's obligation to foot the bill for the wedding, the rehearsal dinner is the province of the groom's family- either a chance to control an event, or a gesture of goodwill towards the bride's family and the wedding couple. If this sounds like your situation, tread carefully, your future in-laws may be trying to make a Big Gesture and rejecting it too hastily can bring on fits of temper and great sullenness. If you truly don't want to be bothered with a rehearsal dinner, and all the planning and cost would have to rest on your shoulders, take a pass and resist sticky traditionalists who would force you into anything you don't want to do.

Good luck and cheers,

Elise

No question is too small or too weird: IndieEtiquette can be reached at: indieetiquette@yahoo.com

posted by Elise at 11:30 AM    <link>

HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?

Dear Elise,

As I get more into the detail matters of the whole wedding fiasco, I find myself (rightfully) asking my fiance for his input. Granted, I understand that he doesn't have to be interested in all of this stuff (although mostly he is), but I do appreciate hearing his opinion.

All of this prying for answers is made worse by my confusion in what needs to be done. So I read "to do lists," and etiquette books, and planners, then return to him with these preset things we are "supposed to do." The more I say: "supposed to," the more he says "no." I am learning to edit my vocabulary, but he still knows. So my question is, will people notice/be bothered by our independently produced, written, and directed wedding? Essentially, should I just leave it be?

- On the Brink

Dear Brink,

Hippocrates wrote (though not in his famous oath for doctors), "First, do no harm." That advice is as useful socially as it is for people in the medical professions, and it requires much less education to implement. Let me first put your mind at ease. Your final questions ask whether you will offend your guests by ignoring certain wedding conventions (you don't specify which ones). As long as you are not mean or hurtful to your guests, and are married in a fashion that is legal and valid in your state, you can have any kind of wedding you want. After that, any complaints people have are their own problems.

Wedding and etiquette books, planners, magazines and web sites only offer suggestions. No one says you need to take all or any of their missives seriously. In an old issue of Elegant Bride, I came across a checklist and timeline brides could follow for pre-wedding plastic surgery, and very few women, I suspect, pulled out their calendars to schedule pre-nuptial liposuction, though for a certain few, the information could be helpful. All planners are like that, even the non-ridiculous ones. Take what you need from them, and throw the rest away.

I am curious, though, if an unasked question lurks between the lines of your letter. You don't say what it is that your fiance keeps rejecting, or how you feel about those things, but I have sense that there are some wedding elements you would like to have, that he does not like or doesn't find interesting. If this is the case, I think you should set all the books and planners aside and simply tell him that you want these things, and that you want them not because of so-called "propriety" or "rules" but because they appeal to you.

That said, whether everyone agrees with your choices is a different problem entirely. It is almost universally the case, no matter what kind of wedding you end up having, that people will disagree with some aspect of it or another. The best you can be is gracious and firm, and pick your battles.

Do you have other questions? Is there some singular trouble eating at you? Feel free, of course, to write again.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:09 PM    <link>

NO KIDS IN THE HARBOR

Hello!!!

My fiance and I are paying for our wedding. We are having it at a small lakefront venue in the city. We plan on having the patio and the dock equipped with tables as well, so our guests can enjoy the water and the atmosphere.

This is one of the main reasons I do NOT want children attending MY big day. I also really just don't want them around. I plan on being a mom someday, but for now keep the damn things away from me. (Ha ha!) Anyway, all the wedding etiquette stuff I have read states that the most proper way for me to handle this is to address the invitation to the adult/parent only, hoping that they notice the obvious: that their child's name is NOT on the invitation!

Do you agree? And if you do, how do I handle, for example, an RSVP that is only addressed to 2 people, coming back with 3 or 4 listed as attending? Do I politely call them and say "Gee, I noticed you included your children and I just wanted to touch base and let you we are excluding children because the event is located very near the water and there will be lots of drinking and partying." or something like that? HELP!

Thanks,

- No Kids In the Harbor

Dear No Kids,

Children. Once again, they create an Eternal Question.

The advice you have found is perfectly sound. The most non-confrontational way to make it known that you don't want your guests to bring children (or dates, neighbors, houseguests or pets, for that matter) is to leave those names off the invitation envelope.

You are right to troubleshoot, however, because you will inevitably get RSVP cards back indicating that additional people (and not just children) will be coming. The only thing to do about this is to talk to the guests, and explain that you can accommodate only those you specifically invited.

That said, just as "love means never having to say you're sorry," etiquette means never having to explain your decision. All you need to say to people wishing to take toddlers to your wedding is that you aren’t going to be inviting kids. If you blame it on the water, they will only offer to watch the child closely, claim that it has excellent balance and is a swimming champ, or tether it to the dock with one of those child leashes/safety harnesses one sees in New York in sunnier seasons. The more you try to explain your decision, the more your friends will press you to make exceptions or decide privately that your reasoning is eccentric. Don't give them ammunition. If you don't want children at your wedding, you don't need any further justification. You should, however, be good about it, and you may consider tracking down some local child-care for your out-of-town guests. As always, the only way this works is if you are consistent: do not be swayed by anyone. "No kids" must mean just that. If you weaken once, you risk insulting a flock of friends.

This is not to say that you won't get some whining, but what is a wedding, after all, without a lament about something?

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

My Lament: No one, not a soul has expressed interest in my napkin rings. Do I need to increase the offer? I was always going to pay for the shipping.


posted by Elise at 7:34 PM    <link>

PERSONAL REMARKS, PART 1

Hi Elise

I think that my problem is technically other people being rude, but I could do with some help on how to handle it without screaming at everyone and declaring that no-one can come to my wedding. Everyone has an opinion on how I am planning my wedding, at first I put it down as well meaning but irritating, but now it's actually getting offensive. An example: after describing the dress I am going to have made (after trying on lots of different styles and searched through hundreds online, etc.) I was told: "I don't think that will look very nice."

How do I stop people from treating me like a child and/or being rude without sounding like a bitch? I'm looking for something to say along the lines of: "Of course you know better than me, I've only spent the last few months painstakingly researching this. If you have an idea of how a wedding should be that I'm not using, then odds on it's because I've already dismissed it and not that I am so ill informed as to never have heard of such an obvious thing." Or: "You know you're right I do have really bad taste whatever was I doing picking that dress/flowers/etc. We should totally go with what you like after all its not like my wedding or anything, don't worry you haven't hurt my feelings by being so rude, nor should the fact that I'm paying for this mean that I should get to chose what I want," but obviously a LOT less bitchy and sarcastic. Any suggestions as to how I can politely put people in their places?

Yours,

Trying Very Hard Not To Snap

Dear Trying,

Take heart. From Alice's Adventures in Wonderland:
`Your hair wants cutting,' said the Hatter...
`You should learn not to make personal remarks,' Alice said with some severity; `it's very rude.'

Alice is right (though clearly guilty of the crime herself). The people you describe must be dear friends. No stranger would happily embrace such personal rudeness. Unless specifically invited, no one should volunteer criticism about matters that are likely to be loaded, emotionally: wedding miscellany, the attractiveness of children, physical changes (hair color, weight, acne, pallor), pregnancy eating habits, unacceptability of life partners, etc. Of course, I am now obliged to append what is unfortunately a necessary caveat: feel free to criticize if the problem is life threatening. Fortunately, wedding dresses are not murderous as a rule, so I doubt your confidants are looking to spare you physical pain. They're probably just bossy.

You need a strategy for dealing with bullies. The zingers you want to let fly really only work in movies. In life they will only bring you down to the snarky level of your friends, and possibly inspire a spat that could escalate into something enormous that you don't want to deal with. You're much better off with a Ghandi-esque strategy of passive resistance in which you neither fight nor accept the abuse, but block it from even escaping your friends' lips.

What do you do? Smile Sweetly and Say Nothing. When asked about your dress, either give them the minimum: ("It's blue") or say simply: "Oh, don't you want to be surprised?" and change the subject. I know it sounds as if it came out of a can, but I promise, in the moment you will sound spontaneous and charming. Apply this to any probing question you get, and solicit opinions only from people you can trust to be civil (sadly, it sounds like you may have to turn over a few rocks to find them). Otherwise, keep your distance. Not only will you drive your snipey friends wild with curiosity, you'll frustrate their attempts to either get a rise out of you or exert any influence on your decisions. If you do get hit with unpleasantness or shrewish comments, say little. "Oh, that's sort of interesting." is always a good rejoinder for unasked for advise. Again, change the subject immediately.

Congratulations, good luck, and feel free to write back with tales of thwarted meanness. A sweet, enigmatic smile, will always disguise the gleam of triumph in your eye as you trounce the crassness of others.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:22 AM    <link>

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