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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

THE HIGH COST OF BLITHE SPIRITS

Dear Elise,

We want to have a celebration with our friends and family without breaking the bank. When we include everyone, our guest list tops out at 250 people. If we have an open bar, we know our friends will drink us out of 10 mortgage payments. Is it appropriate to limit drinks to specialty drinks, only liquor which we bring in, or can we have an open bar for two hours and then do a cash bar? What are your suggestions? Thank you.

- Liquid Economics

Dear Liquid,

It is indeed likely that 250 people, left to their own devices in front of a fully stocked and open bar, will drink you into financial oblivion, or at least under a proverbial table of debt.

That said, you don't want to be one of those hosts one sees parodied in comedies of manners, who cringe as people indulge themselves. The easiest, most invisible way to control your alcohol budget is to limit the kinds of alcohol that you serve. You don't need to have a fully open bar. You could just serve wine and champagne (or any other sparkling wine, like Prosecco), or beer and wine. You could also come up with a "signature" cocktail and have that be the only hard liquor at the event (this would be in addition to wine and non-alcoholic drinks).

I do not care for the whole cash bar scenario. The idea of creating a situation where guests have to pay for anything at a party rubs me the wrong way. That said, this is a regional and cultural issue, and you may be getting married in an environment that encourages, or even expects, cash bars. Even so, paying for the drinks yourself is gracious and will spare you plenty of awkward moments. It will certainly relieve you of the sight of people pounding back the "free" (to them) drinks in the final minutes before they have to start paying for them, in your "Cash Bar at the Witching Hour" scenario. As my former driving instructor used to say of unpleasant accidents: "I seen it happen."

As a general rule, the way to get the best out of your guests is to keep them in the dark. If you can't afford the enormous open bar, don't even entertain the thought of it. You can be beyond gracious with limited alcohol offerings, and you don't have to explain yourself at all.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:45 AM    <link>

RUDENESS, GARDEN VARIETY

Dear Elise,

I am in a quandary because I am not sure if I should, as a customer, say something to the appropriate person or let the incident slide. We are having our reception at a new and lovely country club. We are not members but are getting a "discount" by using a friend's membership. My fiance even thought that we may, at one point, become members. The ambiance and the catering are all lovely. My problem is with the somewhat standoffish attitude of key staff (luckily no one we have to deal with directly).

Recently, I was meeting with my photographer who had never been in the facility. The receptionist said we could take a look at the space. A few moments later, the head manager came up to us. I introduced my photographer to him and he ignored the gesture, and berated me for coming into the facility without an appointment. I understand his point, but he was cold, rude to my photographer, and I was embarrassed. I work directly with the events manager so he really is not much in the picture but his attitude was mean, and definitely not customer friendly.

Should I mention this to my contact? I have my doubts because it could foster negative feelings, and the person in question is actually her boss. If I were not spending such a dear sum for our June wedding, I would not give it a second thought but this was so blatant. What would you suggest?

Thank you!

- Taken Aback


Dear Taken,

You write in the context of wedding planning, but yours is really a quotidian experience. The country club has placed a sadly familiar- dare I say classic- example of rudeness in your lap and now you have to figure out what to do with this ugly thing.

This kind of rudeness is best dealt with in the moment. People are like puppies: they won't notice they've done something wrong unless it is pointed out to them, and they won't remember they were offensive five minutes after they've said something awful. A calm comment, spoken gently while looking firmly into the offender's face, can often shame him or at least dissipate his irritation.

What should you do now, so long after the fact? You could let this one go and charitably imagine he was having that "bad day" syndrome with which people excuse themselves so often. If you take this route, be prepared to spot a flare up of meanness, "Cluster Rudeness," if you will. A single incident may not be worth bringing up, but if he makes a habit of it, you can of course call him on it in the moment. You could also write to his boss, or the club's human resources department, explaining what he did and saying that his behavior does not enhance the hospitality of the facilities or make you inclined to join the club.

Mentioning your run-in with the club's head manager to your contact is complicated, as you point out, because he is her employer, and there is not much she could easily do to correct his behavior. You run the risk of giving her information that she can't really use productively without placing herself in an awkward position. If he does it again, go over his head, and your contact has my sympathies for having to work for him.

I'm sorry, of course, that you had to be the recipient of such rudeness. I hope this fellow either acquits himself better or makes himself scarce. People like this man are not really worth your energy.

Congratulations and good luck,

Elise



posted by Elise at 5:47 PM    <link>

THE AISLE, AND WHAT TO DO WITH IT

Dear Elise

What a pleasure to find your column.

I am fussing about what my processional will be like this August. Or if there will be a processional at all. I am a second time bride in my early 30s, with no father to give me away (not that I want to be given away, mind you). I am fine marching myself down the aisle, but I keep questioning why all the focus needs to be on ME. Frankly, I think the groom is given the worst role in any processional, just standing at the top of the aisle, after popping out from the side, with no fanfare whatsoever. I think there should be more equality, or at least less favoritism. I have heard a few, precious few, alternatives suggested, including walking down the aisle together to approaching the officiant from opposite sides at the front of the seats. Nothing sounds quite right. I know, too, everyone expects the bride to put on her own show, strolling down to her husband to be, in all her radiance. To me, it feels too much like sending the bride to the sacrifice. How can I bring more equality and egalitarianism to my processional, and still give the audience that chance they want to gasp at the sight of me in all my finery?

P.S. My only idea so far is to send the groom's parents, then the flower girls and attendants, then the groom (doing the solo performance usually meant for the bride), then me, but I feel I am too constrained to the aisle concept.

Many thanks

Marching Orders


Dear Marching,

You're not alone in squirming from that "lamb to slaughter" feeling that seems to be on everyone's minds these days. The news keeps replaying footage of Diana Spencer walking down the aisle in St. Paul's Cathedral in those puffy sleeves and nervous bunny eyes, with commentary that invariably implies she was being sacrificed to the House of Windsor. This attitude was brought to my mind recently when I watched Robert Altman's A Wedding (not his best) in which the similarly bunny-ish bride, "Muffin," makes it down the aisle on her father's arm with a completely sullen attitude that only breaks after the vows when she reveals an enormous set of braces (it is a vicious sort of a comedy). The best way to avoid this is to let yourself be happy and enjoy this moment in the sun.

Every culture has processional traditions, and these can either inspire you or give you something to rebel against. In the United States, formal church weddings follow the Emily Post pattern: ushers, junior ushers (if you have them), junior bridesmaids (if you can stand them), bridesmaids, maid of honor, flower girls, ring bearer, bride and her father. The groom, forgotten as always, lingers up front by the altar. Everyone walks in twos, the shortest go first, and people are supposed to keep about four paces apart and not slouch or shamble. Once they reach the altar, the ushers tend to clump up on the right and the bridesmaids get herded to the left of the altar.

But you don't really want to do this, so yours is the dilemma of a child in a candy store: of the myriad possibilities, the obvious ones seem boring and stilted, and the oddball ones threaten to taste bad. This isn't, strictly speaking, an etiquette question because here is a situation where you really can do what you want, (and you clearly want to stray from strict tradition) so you should give yourself, and perhaps your fiance, a quiz.

Are you getting married in a church? If so, this limits your options somewhat. In a more open venue, you can let your guests gather, have a drink perhaps, and then make your appearance. Then your officiant can part the proverbial waters (the guests crowded around you) and perform your ceremony. This is highly unstructured, but extremely jolly and you get to say a few hellos before the ceremony. Of course, if you are extremely nervous, this may not be the route to take. What does your fiance want to do? Does he feel he isn't getting enough of a spotlight? Does he share your utopian vision of equality on the aisle? If so, then your postscript idea is a good one.

At bottom, you must keep in mind that you are not compromising yourself if you choose a more standard route to the altar. You understand the space in which you're getting married, your wishes, and your future husband's interests. Look around and see what feels best. There are plenty of possibilities, but remember – the processional is only a tiny part of the wedding. If you don't like it, get rid of it. As long as you and your fiance eventually get to your spots in front of your officiant, it doesn't matter what route you take. There are lots of ways to make an entrance.

Congratulations,

Elise

If you have a nagging etiquette question, write to Elise at: indieetiquette@yahoo.com



posted by Elise at 9:42 AM    <link>

HAIR OF THE BRIDESMAID

Dear Elise,

I am having a destination wedding and I'm not sure who is supposed to pay for the bridemaids' hair and makeup for the big day? My mother says that the bridesmaids should pay for their own hair and makeup since we are having a semi-casual wedding and I have 5 bridesmaids, but I feel bad that I am getting my self done up but not paying for them to get their makeup and hair done. Thanks

- Blown Out

Dear Blown-

It is way too late for it, but somewhere along the line someone should have coughed up a set of guidelines for bridesmaids. As it is, there is nothing to follow or ignore; we just endlessly play catch-up, make up the rules as we go along and hope for the best. It is no wonder that bridesmaids are almost always beleaguered. Wouldn't it be fabulous if wedding attendants had something like the Pirate Code that is referenced so often in Pirates of the Caribbean? But there I go dreaming again, pining for utopian clarity and the sleep of the just.

You asked a question and here's the fast answer: you don't have to pay for your bridesmaids' hairdos and makeup applications. But before you go off to tell your mother that she was right (which, after all, is a hard thing to do), take counsel. What have your bridesmaids paid for so far? Have they already bought dresses and shoes and plane tickets to your destination wedding? Did they throw you a shower? A quick accounting should let you figure just how much they have spent already, and give you a sense of how comfortable they would feel about another bill. Do your friends even need to have their hair and makeup done, especially since you say your wedding is semi-casual? This is something the bride tends to do; she's the one upon whom all eyes will rest, after all, but bridesmaids are often left to their own devices. In the spirit of fairness, you could always find out how much it would cost each of your friends to get her hair and makeup done and then present it as an option, not a requirement, since it is a nicety, not a necessity, after all.

Some brides buy little makeovers for their bridesmaids as thank you presents. This is quite generous, but can backfire, like most good intentions. Years ago, when my friends and I were young and thought luxury had no consequences, an acquaintance treated her bridesmaids to facials and manicures the day before her wedding. Sure enough, everyone was beyond blotchy for the festivities, but they really did look fabulous about a week later.

With bridesmaids, the best policy is always to keep things in perspective. A wedding should never be a test of friendship. Keep in mind what your bridesmaids have done, what they have paid for, and be sensitive to their financial and temporal boundaries. Do not ask more of them than you would have any one of them ask of you and your wedding will be all the more fabulous since no one will come out of it with raging battle scars and resentment.

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

Send any and all etiquette questions to Elise at: indieetiquette@yahoo.com

posted by Elise at 9:28 AM    <link>

OFFICIANT ISSUES

Dear Elise:

I am wondering how to delicately deal with the following situation...

My future father-in-law would very much like it if our wedding ceremony were performed by his evangelical minister niece. We're not so religious and wouldn't mind having a semi-religious ceremony to quell the family, but the main problem with this scenario is that said minister niece is adamantly opposed to homosexuality, so much so that she has pretty much renounced her own gay sister. We have a lot of gay friends that will be present at the wedding, and while this issue probably won't even come up, deep down it feels wrong and hypocritical to have MN perform our ceremony. In response to recent declarations made by the US President, we are looking to support lobbying efforts in support of gay marriage in lieu of favors at the reception. How can we gently let my future father-in-law know that the minister niece's ideals conflict with who we are and what we stand for without creating hard feelings not only for my future father-in-law, but for minister niece as well (we haven't asked yet the minister niece yet, but I'm not sure if my future father-in-law has already talked to her about it)?

Any guidance is appreciated!

- Moral Quandry

Dear Moral,

I fear, even from the moniker you have give yourself, that you are taking too much on your shoulders. This is a delicate problem, but I don't think you are questioning the morality of the situation. You know how you feel and you shouldn't have any problems with that.

At bottom, you would prefer to have a different person perform your wedding ceremony, and perform it in a way that supports and endorses (or at least isn't completely antithetical to) your own beliefs. This is beyond reasonable, but what if the Minister Niece's feelings about homosexuality were not at issue? What if you wanted someone else to perform the ceremony? What if your spiritual beliefs led you to prefer a non-religious ceremony altogether? I ask you these questions to show how you don't have to feel uncomfortable that your preference not to have the Minister Niece perform your wedding ceremony comes from political feelings. Your desires are as legitimate as they would be if they had religious or sentimental origins.

Now: how can you avoid insulting anyone? First off, maintain radio silence with your future father-in-law on all things wedding related. Do not give him the opportunity to invite his niece to perform your ceremony, which he may do in the form of a "favor" if you indicate you haven't made up your mind about who will officiate. People will always devise ways to get what they want through seemingly selfless gestures. They may not even realize they are being self-serving and controlling, so urgent is their wish to "help" you. Don't leave that door open. If questioned, say that you are taking care of it, but you are grateful for the suggestion.

If things continue to look ominous, you can always make a small compromise. Invite the Minister Niece to say a little something as a toast later on. I would not try to incorporate her into your ceremony, if I were you. As a performer, she could be insulted if she is relegated to a supporting role in your wedding. If you give her, instead, a good spot on the toast roster, you have given a nod to your future father-in-law's wishes and shown her how much you appreciate her interest if not her beliefs.

Since no one has indicated to you that this business of the Minister Niece is a fait accompli - and no one, by the way, should dare to presume what the bride and groom want to do about something as personal as a wedding ceremony officiant – you should be able to find someone else more compatible with your sentiments, without ruffling feathers. If there is grumbling, I think you may be best off being honest but vague: you are grateful for the help, but it is really important to you that you and your future husband pick the person who will be guiding you into your new life together.

I would be most interested to hear how everything works out for you.

Congratulations,

Elise

You can write to Elise with any etiquette question (be it about weddings or more quotidian issues) at: indieetiquette@yahoo.com

posted by Elise at 9:36 AM    <link>

ONGOING KID CONCERNS

Two Questions, One Answer

Hi Elise,

I also want to thank you for writing your column - I'm a big fan!

My question has to do with children at my wedding. The rule we've so far set forth is that only children of the bridal party will be invited. The flower girl will have a baby sister by then, my future brother-in-law has two boys ages nine and ten, and my future sister-in-law gave birth in January. I'm just worried that the other guests, whose children were not invited, might see these kids at the reception and think that I was being rude by not inviting their kids. Is there any way I can tactfully get the word out as to what my "kid policy" was?

Thanks so much!

- Lots of Tots

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning are currently planning our October wedding. We are both in complete agreement that we do not want children present at the wedding as we feel that this is an adult only event. This stems from the fact that that it is a formal and will include drinking and dancing and we don't want the parents to feel like they have to be watching their children all night (or worse, that they will be having so much fun that their kids will running around like a pack of animals). However, we are unsure how to word this on the invitation, if we should indicate this on the invite or if we should just designate the invited parties on the RSVP card.

Also, my sister just advised me that my brother and other sister will be attending my wedding (my two sisters and brother live in Mexico). My brother is eight, my sister is ten and my other sister is seventeen. I am concerned that their presence will upset other guests that have children. My fiance says he doesn't care what people have to say but I'm still concerned with how I should address this issue should it come up.

- Minus the Kids

Dear Tots and Minus-

The trouble with guilt is that it almost never plagues the people who could use a little misery. Both of you, unfortunately, are suffering from some misplaced angst, but that's par for the course in almost every wedding. I imagine you probably know that already.

That said, you are really on pretty solid ground as far as child exclusion goes. One so-called "traditional" way to limit the number of children at weddings is to decide that only children of the immediate family will attend. "Lots of Tots," you don't say in your note whether the bridal party children are all offspring of family members. If this is the case, you're home free. Trouble only seriously arises when you invite some friends' children and not others. This comes from the No Mystery Department. Everyone wants to think that his or her children are the most charming, best behaved, most entertaining and more beloved than all others. To have preferences shown for reasons other than blood is difficult for parents to handle without them becoming rather childlike themselves. The other obvious way to avoid hearing the pitter-patter of little feet at your wedding is to plan an event that is not appealing to children. If you have an evening wedding and reception that goes late, people will be more inclined to leave the kids someplace where they can get to bed at a reasonable hour, or else they risk crankiness and misery for the rest of the weekend.

As far as telegraphing your invitation intentions, don't exert yourselves at all. Invite the people you want to invite. If your guests ask or RSVP for their kids, then you can explain that you can only accommodate the children of your immediate families. Too many excuses will induce "Protest Too Much" syndrome and you'll just come off as defensive and prickly. The golden rule for exclusions is always to be consistent. Even if your limits could be considered unfair, they are universally unfair, and that will temper the laments that you may still hear.

You are both in fine shape and anyone who doesn't think so is welcome to write to me.

Cheers,

Elise

No etiquette question is too small. Write to Elise at: indieetiquette@yahoo.com

posted by Elise at 6:41 PM    <link>

THE CASE OF THE MINISTER NIECE
- OR -
PLEASE DON'T DO THE HONORS

Dear Elise:

I am wondering how to delicately deal with the following situation...

My future father-in-law would very much like it if our wedding ceremony were performed by his evangelical minister niece. We're not so religious and wouldn't mind having a semi-religious ceremony to quell the family, but the main problem with this scenario is that said minister niece is adamantly opposed to homosexuality, so much so that she has pretty much renounced her own gay sister. We have a lot of gay friends that will be present at the wedding, and while this issue probably won't even come up, deep down it feels wrong and hypocritical to have the minister niece perform our ceremony. In response to recent declarations made by the US President, we are looking to support lobbying efforts in support of gay marriage in lieu of favors at the reception. How can we gently let my future father-in-law know that the minister niece's ideals conflict with who we are and what we stand for without creating hard feelings not only for my future father-in-law, but for minister niece as well (we haven't asked yet the minister niece yet, but I'm not sure if my future father-in-law has already talked to her about it)?

Any guidance is appreciated!

- Moral Quandry

Dear Moral,

I fear, even from the moniker you have give yourself, that you are taking too much on your shoulders. This is a delicate problem, but I don't think you are questioning the morality of the situation. You know how you feel and you shouldn't have any problems with that.

At bottom, you would prefer to have a different person perform your wedding ceremony, and perform it in a way that supports and endorses (or at least isn't completely antithetical to) your own beliefs. This is beyond reasonable, but what if the Minister Niece's feelings about homosexuality were not at issue? What if you wanted someone else to perform the ceremony? What if your spiritual beliefs led you to prefer a non-religious ceremony altogether? I ask you these questions to show how you don't have to feel uncomfortable that your preference not to have the Minister Niece perform your wedding ceremony comes from political feelings. Your desires are as legitimate as they would be if they had religious or sentimental origins.

Now, the trick is figuring out how not to insult anyone. First off, maintain radio silence with your future father-in-law on all things wedding related. Do not give him the opportunity to invite his niece to perform your ceremony, which he may do in the form of a "favor" to you if you indicate you haven't made up your mind about who will officiate. People will always devise ways to get what they want through seemingly selfless gestures. They may not even realize they are being self-serving and controlling, so urgent is their wish to help you. Don't leave that door open. If questioned, say that you are taking care of it, but you are grateful for the suggestion.

If things continue to look ominous, you can always compromise a little. Invite the Minister Niece to say a little something as a toast later on. I would not incorporate her into your ceremony, if I were you. As a performer, she could be insulted if she is relegated to a supporting role in your wedding. If you give her, instead, a good spot on the toast roster, you have given a nod to your future father-in-law's wishes and shown her how much you appreciate her interest if not her beliefs.

Since no one has indicated to you that this business of the Minister Niece is a fait accompli - and no one, by the way, should dare to presume what the bride and groom want to do about something as personal as a wedding ceremony officiant – you should be able to find someone else more compatible with your sentiments, without ruffling feathers. If there is grumbling, I think you may be best off being honest but vague: you are grateful for the help, but it is really important to you that you and your future husband pick the person who will be guiding you into your new life together.

I would be most interested to hear how everything works out for you.

Congratulations,

Elise

If you're perplexed by issues of etiquette, write to Elise at: indieetiquette@yahoo.com


posted by Elise at 10:02 AM    <link>

SHOWER SURPLUS

Dear Elise,

I read with great interest your response about "shower safety". I am aware that it is traditional for shower invitees to also be invited to the wedding. I am doing my best to keep a lid on the number of people invited (currently at about 100) since I feel that this event will be most meaningful to our families and close friends. Which brings me to the issue of the "sneak attack shower".

Since announcing our engagement, I have been contacted by a friend of my fiance's late mother, saying that she is planning on throwing me a shower with all of his mother's friends and would like to know when I am available. I have heard scurrying around my office and suspect that some of my work friends might be setting up a bridal shower and planning to invite office acquaintances. I know that both of these gestures are made with the best of intentions, but I can't stop thinking about all of the inconvenienced guests who will feel obligated to arrive with a gift and inconvenienced ME, who will then have to invite said guests to the wedding. I worry that this situation will open the floodgates for every casual friend and school chum and suddenly we will have a wedding that is entirely overbudget and far less meaningful.

How do I stop the sneaky shower? Do I need to wear a sign on my forehead that says, "NO GIFTS, PLEASE!" or is there some more subtle way to broadcast my intentions? Any advice you could give would be much appreciated.

- Deluged

Dear Deluged,

A puzzler! I was wondering when I would start getting problems that threaten to make me waffle. You're actually in a nice position (unless you truly despise parties): people like you and like the idea of your wedding and want to prove their approval through showers. What can you do? Being gracious is more important than any standard of behavior. You know what's coming. I’m about to eat my words- well, perhaps only gnaw a little on some vowels.

Ultimately, people are going to do what they want to do. Even if you take steps to protest the showers, there is only so far you can go without seeming peculiar or difficult. Even if you can take my other suggestions, you may still have to accept a less-than-ideal situation.

You compare your dilemma to the one discussed in "Shower Safety" (IndieEtiquette - February 22, 2004), but there is one crucial difference in your situation that makes my earlier advice not quite so applicable in your case. You are not providing the guest lists for these showers and can't be expected to know what other people are planning – especially since one of them (your office shower) is a poorly concealed surprise event.

So both of your showers are special case scenarios. As for the one being thrown by your fiance's late mother's friend, I think the event is as much about her relationship with your boyfriend's mother as it is about you, and it could really hurt her feelings if you were to categorically refuse her gesture. It may even be the case that most of the people she invites are people you and your fiance won't even know very well and that this shower is more of a party in honor of their absent friend and her family. You may feel more comfortable if you tell your hostess about your concerns, your need to keep the wedding to a reasonable size, and perhaps even float the idea of having a party with no presents and see how she responds. All of this said, no matter what happens with the shower, I think it would be difficult and unwise for you not to invite your hostess to your wedding.

Your work party is another matter altogether. Here, you can try to spread the word about your discomfort with showers, and your wish that presents not be part of the picture (perhaps by confiding with the person you determine to be the primary culprit). Offices often throw parties when people get married, have children, retire, or have birthdays, so I don't think you need to worry too much about avoiding the entire affair, but perhaps you could exert some small influence on the character of the party.

After you've tried these things, there is not much more you can do. Once events get so far beyond your control, your only recourse is be gracious. Excessive protesting will only make you seem twitchy and weird, and I think being open, grateful and considerate will get you through this little minefield. If pressed you'll have to explain that you wish you could invite everyone but that you're having a small wedding, and write nice thank you notes promptly.

And now, I'll start picking bits of punctuation from my teeth.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 8:37 AM    <link>

IMBIBING ANXIETY

Dear Elise,

We are having a fairly casual reception for about 120 people. We'd like to offer beer, wine, maybe a signature drink or champagne. I expect most of our guests to be pretty moderate with their alcohol consumption, but we are inviting a few people who are heavy drinkers or alcoholics, including two of my fiance's uncles. I've never been a big partier, and I really, REALLY don't want anyone at my reception to get inappropriately drunk. Is there a tactful way of encouraging (enforcing?) moderation without being too stingy?

Thanks!

Tentative Spirits

Dear Tentative,

A charming drunk is a rare thing, indeed. The days of Nick and Norah Charles volleying quips over multiple highballs are mostly forgotten and have been replaced by drinking games and Jackass-type stunts. It is troubling that you should have to worry about your guests making fools of themselves, but this is the way of the world.

Let me say that I like a wedding that serves alcohol. I have nothing against dry weddings, but a drink can make shy guests voluble, lubricate stiff personalities (get them dancing), and render interesting some truly deadly events (this applies universally, not just to weddings- especially the dancing part). So, how can you create a situation where you don't have to treat your guests like they're so many booze-happy children and where you don't feel that you're coming off as uptight or stingy?

One option, and one that you're taking, is to reduce the kinds of drinks that are available. If you only serve wine and beer, or wine and champagne (with a non-liquor based party drink like a Bellini or other champagne cocktail), you're ahead of the game. People have less of a tendency to swill wine than they do to stockpile shots.

Your note indicates you have a couple of relatives of particular concern. It would be difficult to raise this issue with them or their significant others; even small children don't like to be scolded before they do anything wrong. But while you might not be able to get them to abstain, you may be able to corral their bad tendencies a little bit. If you are having toasts, for instance, try to have them early, before people have had a chance to get drunk. This will protect you a little bit from that desire to perform that people get when they've had a few too many.

You may also want to have a word with your bartender or caterer about your concerns - even if you're having a super casual affair, it can help you tremendously to have someone monitoring the alcohol. If you're having a sit-down reception, you can encourage the staff to pour more slowly at the tables that seem to be over-indulging, or your bartender can keep a weather eye out for signs that these gentlemen might be heading down a road paved with aspirin and the hair of the dog.

Good luck, I understand your worries. I do believe, though, with some care, the worst can be avoided, and you can still have your decorum and drink it too.

Cheers

Elise

You can write to IndieEtiquette at: indieetiquette@yahoo.com

posted by Elise at 8:04 AM    <link>

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