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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

HOW TO FLY A RABBI

Hi Elise-

Thanks in advance for your help.

My future husband and I are in a quandary. He is Italian and I am American. We've discussed pros and cons to getting married in our respective countries but we may actually be prevented from marrying in the US, due to his unmet obligations to the Italian army.

The glitch with that is that if we get married in a Jewish ceremony there, we must be married by an Orthodox rabbi (Italian law.) I converted to Judaism in a Conservative synagogue and to be married by an Orthodox rabbi, I would have to reconvert, Orthodox this time. I really don't want to do this, so my future husband and I were discussing the possibility of flying my hometown rabbi to Italy.

The rabbi has already said he'd be happy to do this. My question is, what's the etiquette here? We pay for his ticket and his meal at the reception, obviously. Are we required to pay for anything else? His hotel costs? His around-town transportation costs? He may have the answer himself but I want to have an idea of what to expect before the time to dicuss actual costs comes up. Also, do I just give him money? FInd him a ticket and pay for it? Get his ticket stub and reimburse him afterward? This is awkward!

Thanks!

International Issues

Dear International,

Let me say first that I do not envy you having to weed through Italy's Baroque (to say the least) legal and religious rules. I have heard tales of wedding complications and passport office nightmares that would make me weep with frustration. Are you sure your hometown Conservative rabbi can marry you legally in Italy? I ask hoping that you don't find yourself in a Conservative vs. Orthodox legal deathmatch with your wedding at stake.

As far as etiquette goes, your rabbi will be providing professional, as well as spiritual services and as such, you probably want to treat him as if he's doing work for hire. This means taking care of the bulk of his expenses. The elements that seem most reasonable for you to cover are: his plane ticket, transportation from and to the airport in Italy, two nights in a hotel (the night he arrives and the night after your wedding). Ideally, you would include him in a rehearsal dinner (if you're having one) and of course the wedding reception.

Logistics are another matter entirely. You should absolutely price out these expenses for yourself, but talk to your rabbi about how to organize costs. If he stays in the same hotel as you in Italy, it will be easy to add his rooms to your tab. He may want to buy his own plane ticket, but you can guide his purchase based on your research.

This is an awkward situation, primarily because your relationship with your rabbi is personal and you're engaging him in a professional capacity. If you are direct with him when you ask him about his needs and upfront about how much you are able to pay for, you'll be able to avoid discomfort and uncomfortable feelings.

Congratulations and good luck negotiating the Italian nuptial rigamarole.

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:18 PM    <link>

I'm back from beyond, and practically kissing the streets of Manhattan. I hope this finds you all well.

Cheers and read on,

Elise

CONSOLATION PRIZE?

Dear Elise-

My fiance and I will be, in essence, eloping in September. I say "in essence" because we have told family, friends, and co-workers, but there will not be a big wedding ceremony. It will be just the two of us, and the justice of the peace. Then we will hop in the car and head to the honeymoon. In December, close family will be invited to a dinner in a location closer to where most of them live, and that will serve as the celebration. This will also be low key, and will look more like a very big Sunday family dinner than a reception.

Most have taken it pretty well, but there has been some disappointment expressed that they will not be there on the "big day". I think they are looking forward to the December dinner, but the gap makes it seem somehow not "real" to them. I don't want to get too far into appeasement so that it ceases to become the simple affair I envisioned. I did see one nice idea buried in "Kvetch." An IndieBride decided to send "wedding in a box" gifts to her family. The box could include the announcement, some photos, a small favor, some jordan almonds or something, and a little tulle and confetti for presentation's sake. I alternate between thinking this is a cute, fun, nice gesture to say I was thinking of them, and then thinking that it would just heighten their sense of not really being included. What do you think?
Thanks,

-Out of the Box Bride

Dear Out of the Box-

Congratulations on your impending elopement and on sticking to your guns. Many perfectly good elopements wither under the gaze of disappointed relatives and friends and turn into monster weddings that overwhelm everyone involved.

The disappointment you sense in people is a compliment to you. Your family and friends are happy for you and want to share in your pleasure. Do not feel guilty about not satisfying their desires, as someone I love deeply often says: "It's good to want things."

Now, this "Wedding in a Box" idea is intriguing. I do not think it could be insulting. That could only happen if the photos you include show you and your future husband enjoying yourselves with a crowd of friends that obviously doesn't include your families, or cavorting naked, or holding up signs that say: "So glad you're not here!" An announcement, some pictures and maybe a souvenir from your elopement spot could be charming. You know your customers, though. If you suspect that everyone would be happiest with just the celebration dinner, and perhaps would prefer not even to be reminded of having missed out on something, then you really don't have to do anything.

It is wonderful that you're taking such care of everyone's feelings, and a "Wedding in a Box" package is a gracious idea. Just know that it is not required, and while it certainly could not hurt, it might be one of those niceties that doesn't reward quite as much as the effort you had to exert on it.

Congratulations again,

Elise


posted by Elise at 8:47 AM    <link>

NOTE FROM ELISE

Dear All,

Duty calls, as it must once in a while, and I have to skip town for a family affair... lasting a few days and removing me from the embrace of my little dog and internet connection. I'll be back on the 27th.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:37 PM    <link>

RENT A TENT?

Dear Elise,

I have just started planning a wedding for next summer, and I have a question for you. We plan to hold the ceremony and reception at an outdoor location. Assuming that we have a sunny day, there are hiking trails, a beach, and a softball field for our guests to visit during the afternoon. If it rains, there is access to a pretty large house and a large covered deck, and we would probably have board games and other indoor activities.

Here is the issue: should we get a tent? The only time when everyone would HAVE to be outside is during the ceremony- there isn't any single room in the house big enough to accommodate everyone. The event is being planned for August in a fairly dry location, but there is always the chance of rain. We are operating on a pretty tight budget, and the location itself is pretty expensive, and it is important to us to provide a nice meal and drinks for everyone. For us to stay inside our budget, the only way to rent a tent would be to slash our guest list a little. But I definitely cringe at the thought of all our guests sitting in the rain, desperate for the ceremony to be over.

Do you have any advice?

Thanks so much,

Nothing but Blue Skies


Dear Blue Skies,

A solution to your tent problem won't be found in any of the venerable etiquette tomes that surround me. Of course, as far as manners go, you're completely safe, with or without a tent. You're worried, though, for the comfort of your guests and due diligence will help you more than any guide to conduct.

Unfortunately, weather is one of those variables (along with the behavior of infrequently seen relatives) that you can't control or predict. There is nothing you can do to assure good weather, but a little due diligence may be helpful. Talk to your caterer and to vendors who have worked on weddings and parties at that time of year and see if they have gotten soaked. You can also look in past almanacs, weather web sites, and, of course, the National Weather Service has a great web site that – with some digging – will give you weather conditions in your city and state from 1997 until today.

It's your call, and a little research should help you decide what to do. Have a wonderful wedding.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:35 PM    <link>

ARE TOASTS DANGEROUS?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have been playing around with the idea of having an open-mike time for toasts, instead of the traditional Maid of Honor/Best Man toasts. However, you mentioned that toasts can be dangerous in your 5/23 column, and I wanted to check in with you on how wise you think this may/may not be.

- Timorous About Toasts

Dear Timorous,

Oh dear. I fear you've taken my comment too literally. Toasts are only dangerous if you are afraid of being embarrassed by friends and family. Tales of offensive and humiliating wedding toasts are legion, as are stories about heartwarming or hilarious toasts. Always, it comes down to how thick your skin is and who is doing the speechifying.

While plenty of people love to listen to long wedding toasts (and I suspect a lot of them also enjoy amateur stand-up comedy nights), one suspects there are more folks out there who like giving them. Everyone wants a piece of the action at a wedding, and for some natural performers, a captive audience is like a gift from the gods. A friend recently told me about a toast he heard in which the speaker carefully, elegantly, and hilariously offended just about everyone at the reception and somehow managed to redeem himself. He had the floor and everyone was lucky this guy knew what he was doing, dancing on the edge of the precipice.

So there is nothing at all wrong with your open-mike idea, particularly not if you're a sport. If you are at all concerned, you may want to get a friend or relative to act as "MC." That way, if someone does go on too long, has had a few too many, or if things are looking scary, he or she can hustle things along.

I never meant to strike fear into your hearts or put a damper on your merriment. You and your fiance know yourselves and your guests best. It is most important that you have a good time. I would never want to dissuade you from anything that encourages fun.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:18 PM    <link>

THANK YOU NOTE SACRELIGE

Dear Elise,

So, we had the wonderful wedding, everything went great and we are basking in the glow of... a huge pile of gifts. Our families were more than generous and we are very, very thankful. The question is, is it rude to type thank you notes? My heart tells me it is, but is it really? My hand is still weary from the shower thank-yous and we are not looking forward to writing basically the same letter a hundred times (I try to spice it up, but that only last for a few thank-yous). I have even looked into those personalized handwriting fonts, thinking 'maybe they need not know.'

My thought is that if I can do it faster and painlessly, I can put more time into personalizing the notes themselves, instead of cookie cutter handwritten notes. But will this incur the wrath of the etiquette gods?

-Written Out

Dear Written Out-

How daring are you? Handwritten thank you notes are an etiquette mainstay, so if you are dealing with any Old Battleaxes, know that straying from the well worn path of handwritten thank you notes will get you in trouble. If you're prepared to face the consequences (that is, hearing about your "slip" from people who should know better than to criticize other people's manners), then I'll go against convention and say you can type your notes. Blasphemy? Perhaps. It is risky, though, and I don't think I would do it, but you may be more daring.

Every traditional etiquette text will tell you the same thing: even with generic engraved thank you cards, one must handwrite a line or two that will personalize the card. Perhaps we can take something of this sentiment and make it useful for you. What if you typed your letters, but promised to be twice as entertaining in your missives as you would have been had you been hand writing them?

You ask about alternate fonts for your notes. This is a question of taste, but I can't stand any kind of cursive or frilly fonts. No one will be fooled into thinking that you handwrote the notes, and it will just be hard to read. Other variations I would actively discourage are form letter, email or instant message thank you notes. While you don't by any means have to get engraved cards, you should commit your thanks to paper and the notes do have to be personal.

Everything comes down to how you feel about tradition and how thick your skin is. There is no question that the thank you note is important and must be sent. The issue you have to face is how comfortable do you feel about doing something that you know will annoy some people. You know your customers, and how well you handle critics. This choice may cost you something. You just have to decide if it is too expensive.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:49 AM    <link>

INVITATIONS FOR UN-FRIENDS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are inviting 100 guests to our wedding. We made our list, we checked it more than twice, and we feel good about it.

Well, there are two little catches: a husband and his wife ("Jack and Jill") who could possibly be upset if we don’t invite them. Before I was dating my fiance, he and Jack got to know each other because my fiance’s sister was Jill's friend. I would never choose Jack and Jill as my friends, and my fiance and I don’t feel close to them. They are self-interested and extremely competitive

Three other things I should tell you: (1) my fiance’s sister is very close to Jack and Jill. She actually worships them so much it makes me nauseous. If they would be at our wedding, the sister would be sooooo happy and also sooo distracted by them. (2) Jack and Jill aren’t horrible people; they just don’t share my fiance's and my values. (3) When Jack and Jill got married, my fiance and I had been dating for 7-8 months, and they did not invite me. I want to be clear that them not inviting me is not a deciding factor in inviting or not inviting them to our wedding. I just don’t them there because I don’t care for them. My fiance is fine with not inviting them.

So, thanks for listening and thanks for advising,

-Minus 2

Dear Minus 2,

Cross this couple off your list. You don't like them; you don't see them that often; they aren't relatives; and there's no pressure from your fiance to have them around. You're not even having to deal with the whole "they invited me, do I have to invite them?" quandary. Don't invite them.

Is there something you're not telling me? If not, there is absolutely nothing that should make you think twice about not inviting them. Perhaps you're concerned about your future sister-in-law's desire to have her friends around. She will be fine without them. If she confronts you – or if they do – you can always say that you have a tight guest list, and there are lots of people you would like to include, in a perfect world, but your plans can't handle it. But the best part about your problem is that you don't have one. The worst that could happen is that your "friends" feel mildly slighted (they probably won't) and don't seek out your company as much. And that, you suggest, would be No Great Loss.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:47 AM    <link>

TOO TINY TO REGISTER?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are on a small and tight budget. Just recently, we nixed the idea of a traditional ceremony in favor of something more casual and more reflective of who we are (and our budget). Our current idea is to have a small civil ceremony with only family in attendance, then have a larger outdoor party (50 people max) for our friends and family. The party will probably be pretty relaxed, with BBQ-style food or something to that effect. It will also take place at my fiance's parents' home, which is several hours away from where my fiance, friends, and I live. Given that we're having a small and casual reception and that most people won't see us get married; is it tacky to register?

Thanks!

- Timid

Dear Timid,

Did someone actually tell you not to register? If so, I am shocked. These days, it is not registering that threatens to bring down the roof. (A close friend married well over a year ago, and she still hears occasionally about how terrible it was that she didn't register.)

Now that I'm finished being stupefied, let me lay it on the line. There is nothing wrong with registering, even for a very small wedding. People, as I say time and again, will give the presents they want to give, so while you could receive things from your registry, you could also end up with items you never imagined existed. Registering is just a tiny gesture towards control, but it really doesn't ensure anything.

And don't be concerned about only having family to your wedding ceremony. As you have perhaps noticed in several recent IndieEtiquette columns, many people have private ceremonies and large receptions.

Wedding presents are not supposed to participate in any kind of universal quid pro quo. The value of a present has nothing to do with how much dinner cost, the perceived needs of the wedding couple, the bride and groom's present-giving history, or anything beyond the desires and inclinations of the gift-giving guests.

Relax, register if the spirit moves you, and be prepared for some surprises.

Cheers,

Elise


posted by Elise at 4:32 PM    <link>

STRICT STICKLER STRUGGLES

Dear Elise,

My fiance's parents recently asked us to provide them with a list of guests for the rehearsal dinner. We decided we wanted it to be fairly small, including only the wedding party, immediate family and grandparents.

We had two exceptions. My aunt's daughter (my cousin) is in the wedding and has two small children (2 years old and 3 months old). I wanted my cousin to be able to attend the dinner and bring her children, which would make her feel the most comfortable. Since her husband cannot make it to the wedding, I thought my aunt could come and help with her children. The other exception: my best friend is flying in from Australia without her significant other. She is in the wedding party, and her parents are also coming from Australia for the wedding. I thought it would be nice to include them, since they are coming from so far away and they will not know anyone or be familiar with the area.

My fiance's parents are adamant about not including these three people. Their reasoning is that they do not want to hurt the feelings of other people who are not invited. My fiance recently got into a heated argument with his father over all of this, and he is still pretty angry with him.

I do not want this blown out of proportion. I do not think it is that big of a deal to invite those three people and neither does my fiance, but the bottom line is his parents are hosting the event and what they say goes. Do you think this is fair?

I have one more regarding what to call his parents. They insist that I call them "Mom and Dad" and I really do not feel this is appropriate and I feel very uncomfortable with this. They don't feel comfortable with me calling them by their first names, and I don't feel comfortable calling them "Mr. and Mrs." Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks!

Stickler In-laws

Dear In-laws,

You have, I’m afraid, gone a great way towards answering your first question for yourself. Your future in-laws sound extremely traditional, and they have established extremely traditional rules for the rehearsal dinner, which they are throwing. You can fight the fight, but you may want to cut your losses and just accept that it is their party and wash your hands of the whole mess. I do not think your fiance's parents are being entirely fair, but they are sticking to their rules, however arbitrary.

Having said that, arbitrary rules can come in handy at wedding events. I've said before that the safest way to exclude people is through consistency. If you are not having children to the reception, you can't have any children (or only the children of immediate family, or only the children who are in the wedding party, etc.). If you invite one aunt to the rehearsal dinner, you really should have all of the aunts and uncles. It seems ridiculous, but your future in-laws are playing it safe.

If you can't reason with or cajole your hosts, you may want to talk to your cousin and see if she is interested in leaving her children in the care of her mother (your aunt) during dinner. Many grandparents welcome the opportunity to be alone with their grandchildren, perhaps so they can corrupt them privately. (I see this in my own father who loves to take care of my little dog. He brushes him with great vigor.)

As for your friend's parents, it is thoughtful and generous of you to want to include them. As I said before, though, your fiance's parents have written their rules and clearly feel very strongly about them. Your fiance has already lost a battle with them. Further agitation will likely only win you more anger and frustration. You could make a nice dinner reservation for your friend's parents or give them a list of things they can do in town on the eve of your wedding. This way, they would not be at a loss, but they could also choose to go to bed early if they're still jet lagged.

I would know your future in-laws are strict traditionalists even if they weren't such rehearsal dinner sticklers. It is a mystery to me why people who find the use of first names just too forward happily embrace the wildly familiar "Mom" and "Dad." Even the contemporary Ms. Post (Peggy) points out that for a wife to call her in-laws Mr. and Mrs. LastName is unusually formal and "sounds very cold," but your fiance's parents are leaving you with few choices. One should never have to call one's in-laws the same things one calls one's own parents. That would be confusing (and/or depressing). A traditional solution is to use a nickname, something that the "grown-up" uses regularly with friends. Another useful though potentially icky nickname source can be found in the family. Perhaps some charming grandchild has invented a not-too-embarrassing names for your in-laws that you could use. (Here are some I have heard of, or invented myself- in more tender years: "Nana," "Papa," "Goggie," "Steffie.") Be frank with your fiance's parents. Explain that you can't call them by the names you reserve for your own parents, and try to negotiate on a compromise. While it is up to them to offer the option of informality (and let you drop the "Mr. and Mrs."), they should also give you options that make you comfortable. This should not be a power struggle. This is about living happily.

Good luck, and I would be interested to hear what names you find for your in-laws.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:42 AM    <link>

WHAT TO DO WITH FLAKEY BRIDESMAIDS

Dear Elise,

With all the good happening, I feel a bit guilty complaining but how does one cope with a bridal party that simply has not been there for you?

I went against my initial inclination of having just one attendant (I am an older bride – 41). Now I am getting married very shortly and for this entire 6-month period, two of my bridesmaids have been utterly disappointing.

While none of the 5 attended my engagement party (my cousin, my sister-in-law and my fiance's sister all have complicated family issues), these two friends said they were going to do the bridal shower. The friend who going to host the party decided that her house was too small. (We ended up doing it at the home of a family friend.) My brother arranged a day at the beach for my bachelorette party, but these two bridesmaids (who were local) suddenly came up with work and other family obligations.

What is getting to me is the wedding. These friends are telling me how hard it is to attend the rehearsal and neither can make the brunch that my parents are hosting at their home the day after the wedding.

I am focusing on the people that have been there for me. But I can’t help but wondering why they can’t call and check in to see how I am doing (I always have to make the phone calls. I can’t help but feel annoyed really sorry I asked them. Any messages and thoughts I can use to get myself to get over this annoyance and move forward?

Thank you,

Sorry Bride

Dear Sorry,

Your problem is beyond etiquette and more of the soft sticky matter of friendship, but I have some ideas. Friends make themselves manifest in various forms. Some are good in times of crisis, others seem to only be able to sustain the degree of stress that comes from having to decide between having a grilled cheese sandwich or chicken souvlaki for lunch. You have found a couple of friends who are reluctant to put themselves out for you in these structured, pre-wedding events. Why are they like this? I can't imagine. Perhaps they don't realize how important these gestures are to you. They may not understand what you hoped from them. They may have had untapped reserves of flakiness and jealousy that were unearthed by your wedding. It is impossible to say.

Here is a personal bit of advice: think of these failings in your friends as a handicap. They can't help it. Something in them is incompatible with understanding your feelings and perspective. This doesn't make them evil or bad friends. It means they have limitations that are beyond you. If you can release your expectations, you'll have an easier time dealing with them without resentment.

That is easy to say, of course. You may want to talk with your friends – individually, preferably – about their behavior and ask them why they've acted so strangely. This is uncomfortable and if you prefer not to do this, you could just try to be more detached. Instead of calling these women, get in touch with someone else. You'll feel much less lonely if you have a conversation that you don't feel you have had to chase down.

Your irritation and hurt is justified, and I think could have been ameliorated if your friends had been straight with you about their availability. But all of this is no longer the issue. Look elsewhere for support, enjoy your friends for what they can offer, and have a wonderful wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 9:39 AM    <link>

BRIDESMAIDLAND... PARTY OVERLOAD

Dear Elise,

I'm a bridesmaid. I know I have to attend the bridal shower, but do I have to be there for the Jack and Jill party and the Stagette as well?

I am not familiar with this and would like to know what my obligations are. Just how many parties do the bridesmaids have to attend?

Thank you.

- Busy Bridesmaid

Dear Busy,

STAGETTE? That is a new word on me. I'm adding it to my lexicon. I assume it is a synonym for "Bachelorette." I like it. The word has a nice air of danger to it.

But you're not asking about semantics. You want to know how many times you have to send your cocktail dresses to the dry cleaners. I don't know if this will be a comfort to you, but there are no official rules. Bridesmaids are generally expected to throw the bridal shower, and they are often central to bachelorette party plans. (This is a delicate area, since bachelorette parties, by their nature, are informal and have no strict structure.) Really, you will have to gauge for yourself- see how other bridesmaids are participating, and then decide how much time, money and energy you can contribute.

You sound a little beleaguered, and I have the sense that you'd rather excuse yourself from some of these bashes. You don't have to go to everything. If you live out-of-town, this is even more the case, since no one should want you to purchase multiple plane tickets over the course of an extended wedding season. While you can set limits, you do need to explain your position to the bride. Whether you are exhausted, busy, broke, or your liver is begging for mercy, you should level with your friend. Here, honesty should spare you the resentment, spite and recriminations that are the hallmark of all tragic bridesmaid vs. bride stories.

Whatever you do, don't promise to attend a party and flake out, or sulk through events. Lay it on the line with the bride, your friend, support her as you would have her support you, go to the parties you want to attend and enjoy yourself.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:29 AM    <link>

OFFICE POLITICS

Hello, Elise -

I am the network and systems administrator for a small and very close-knit company. Every one of the 30 employees knows me. I'd planned and budgeted for approximately 90 people at my wedding reception, and I now find that I have nearly 90 people among friends and close relatives who will attend.

Do I need to invite every one of my co-workers? If "manners" were no object, I'd like to invite about 10 of them, and their spouses, but not their children. In a company of this size, what will the ramifications of not inviting everyone be?

Furthermore, if I invite all of the employees, must I send invitations to the two employees who work remotely, and don't even live in the same state? Is it realistic to expect that they'll understand why they're not invited? I guess at the heart of my ruminations is this: I want people to come to the wedding to enjoy themselves, and only if they truly want to come. I don't intend the invitation to mean a) come because you feel obligated to do so or b) get us a gift.

How are invitations generally received? Do people feel pressure to attend, or pressure to provide a gift? Do you send invitations to all in the hopes that only the ones who truly want to share in the experience will come? Or do you only send invitations to those whom you're absolutely sure will love to attend?

I appreciate any comment you have on this issue! Thanks!

- Anxious Inviter

Dear Anxious,

Here is yet another scenario in which one can spot wedding/grammar school crossovers. How far, really, is the feeling that you should invite your entire office from the "Birthday Cupcakes for the Class" requirements of fond memory?

As a grown-up, you're generally free of schoolyard mandates as long as you take a little care. If you work primarily with one group, it would be uncomfortable if you only invited half of them. It could also be problematic if you invited your immediate co-workers and didn't invite your boss. Some people may be ruffled if they were not included, and here you'll have to grit your teeth and say that you are having a small wedding. It would also be wise, if you don't invite everyone, to warn your guests to be discreet. There is no official policy; follow your instincts.

Here is something you must remember: invitations are compliments. It is possible to get invited to something burdensome or annoying, but it is difficult to imagine how an invitation could actively be insulting. If you invite distant co-workers, it is up to them to decide whether or not they can attend, and you, in turn, should not to be offended if they can't make it. Did someone say something evil to you about how invitations are just demands for presents? Generally, I suspect there are fewer present-hoarders out there than sourpusses trying to make frazzled wedding couples feel uncomfortable.

You ask if one should invite everyone or only the people you know will be happy to come, and I think it is asking too much of yourself to not only plan a wedding, but also learn how to read minds before the R.s.v.p.s are due. Your only responsibility is to do the inviting; your guests must handle their own psyches and travel arrangements.

I must confess that your letter saddened me. Why does the act of inviting people to a wedding bring on such feelings of anxiety and insecurity? Maybe it comes from having lived through several decades where etiquette was scorned as being unnecessary and uptight. But now people can't accept invitations without suspicion and hosts can't make them without worrying. Free yourself from those lawless days. Invite away and anyone who dares suggest you were being anything but gracious deserves to be taken over someone's knee. Mine is available.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 11:36 AM    <link>

HANDCUFFING THE "ETIQUETTE POLICE"

Dear Elise,

I am very upset because my fiance finally told me something he had been keeping to himself. His oldest brother said that it was "inappropriate" and rude for us to have sent engagement announcements - that we are just trying to get gifts! I was shocked and my fiance is really hurt.

We decided to send engagement announcements (yes, a little untraditional but it didn't seem like a terrible idea) because we live in a new city, very far from family and friends. (Some of our friends don't even know we are dating.) We are not having an engagement party. I have a serious aversion to newspaper announcements, and the people we want to tell don't live locally to read it, anyway.

It was not our intention in any way to request gifts! We do not want them. We have not discussed our wedding with anyone at all (we are not making any plans until January 2005) but we have already decided that we will make it clear on our invitations that we do not want gifts. So, this was a particularly upsetting accusation.

I cannot find information anywhere about engagement announcements (I looked before sending them, too). While I do not think they are "inappropriate" in any way, I still do not see how they demand gifts? Could you please help me determine where this has gone astray? My friends have already called me to say thank you and how cute the card was - they are very relieved that they know my fiance's name (which was the intention).

Thanks for your help.

Sincerely,

- Still Smarting

PS – Our announcement read: MY NAME & HIS NAME joyfully announce their engagement! Invitation to follow.

Dear Still Smarting,

People think that the tiniest knowledge of the rules of etiquette qualifies them to become members of an unorganized Rudeness Militia, running around pointing out supposed failings to unsuspecting pedestrians. In doing this, they are themselves violating a central tenet of etiquette itself: they are being hurtful and creating discomfort. Consider your future brother-in-law. What does he stand to gain from his unasked for opinion? The announcement had already been sent. He only acted as he did to be bossy and make himself feel good, not out of any altruistic purpose. Tread carefully around him in the future. The true breech of etiquette – traditional or free form – is his. It makes me want to grab him by his (obviously) starched collar and give him a good shake.

Now, there is plenty of tradition for engagement announcements. I don't know what this guy was talking about. As long as you didn't include a grabby list of the presents you want or endless registry information in with your cards, you acted appropriately.

You went slightly off the old-fashioned rails by sending out a card. In the strictest tradition, engagements are announced verbally, in letters, and in the newspaper, but never with an "engraved" card (this according to Emily Post back in the mid 40's). Since many newspapers do not even have engagement columns (the New York Times hasn't run one for years), and your friends and family are scattered, a published announcement wouldn't do you any good anyway, so a friendly informal card such as the one you wrote seems appropriate to me.

Clearly you were not asking for anything. You have done nothing wrong. But on the subject of asking your future guests not to give presents, I suggest you read the June 2nd column, "Please, No Presents?" It is generally best not to make any mention of presents (pro or con) in your wedding invitations. People are not required to give you anything, and if they want to, they will. Any direction will only make them uncomfortable.

As for your fiance's brother, there is nothing you can do. You don't want to get into an etiquette war with your future brother-in-law. You have reached a point where it doesn't matter who is right. He wants to bully his younger brother and all you can do is ignore him. The only response is to gently say: "I'm sorry you feel that way," and leave it at that. Do not get defensive with him. Getting defensive, as we say these days, means the terrorists have won.

Congratulations and good luck with your future brother-in-law. He seems like quite the pill.

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:31 AM    <link>

DIVIDED EVENTS

Dear Elise,

I am writing with a question similar to the one you answered on May 10 about guests in shifts. I am in a similar situation, but different. We have chosen a small chapel for the ceremony, but are planning on a larger reception afterward in a different location (heck, in a different state). Am I committing a horrible faux pas by inviting only half of the guests to the ceremony? In my experience, many guests choose only to come to the reception anyway. The guests who come to the ceremony don't get anything extra--aside from the opportunity to spend 20 minutes on an uncomfortable rustic bench in a quaint chapel. The receiving line, cocktail hour, and food will all be at the reception. I am hoping that people will understand that it isn't a reflection of their status in our lives, but rather an issue of space. Am I an etiquette disaster?

Thanks for your help!

-Treading a Fine Line

Dear Treading,

No, no, you're not an etiquette disaster, nor are you breaking with old-fashioned tradition. There is, in fact, a substantial history for the scenario you describe – in which only a few guests attend the marriage ceremony and a larger group attends the wedding. Generally, these small ceremonies include small groups of what etiquette books call "intimates" – family and close friends. The difficulties mentioned in "Guests in Shifts" (5.10.2004) came not from the prospect of having a separate wedding and reception guest lists, but from having a hierarchy of receptions at adjoining times in the same place, making it all too easy for the second-shift guests to realize their status.

Your plan is safe. You may want to take a glance into the Emily Post-type standards for invitation wording. The phrasing she suggests is: "WeddingHosts request the pleasure of your company at the wedding reception for…" She also points out that the invitation to the ceremony in these instances is delivered orally. If you trust your nearest and dearest to remember where and when they are supposed to be for your wedding, that is a fine thing to do, but you can also produce a card containing the ceremony details if you are very careful about making sure it gets into the right envelopes. For more on these questions, you may want to check out the June 3rd column "Invitation Overload."

Breathe easy; all is well.

Conngratulations,
Elise



posted by Elise at 8:33 AM    <link>

INVITATION OVERLOAD

Dear Elise,

I'm hoping you can offer me some guidance. The boy and I are going away and having a very small wedding ceremony with just a handful of our closest friends and family present. Shortly after our return, we are having a cookout at his parents house to celebrate with his family. This has made all of the 'wedding mailings' ever so much more complicated.

At the moment, there are four categories: announcement only (for our parents' friends who are far away and we don't actually know, but our parents insist we inform) announcement plus cookout invitation (for the much larger group) wedding invitation only (for our out of town friends and family who we want at the ceremony -- only about three couples) wedding invitation and cookout invitation (for the three local couples we want at both).

Because of all the variation, we're making our invitations ourselves. They are in the form of little booklets in which we can have as many pages as we'd like. I'm thinking of putting one page each in the separate announcements and wedding invitations, and two pages in the invitations to both the wedding and the cookout and the announcement and cookout invitations. Does that make sense? Is that acceptable? Some things seem to indicate it's poor form to mail them in one bundle, but I'm not sure I care. Also, when can I mail them? For wedding invitations, double invitations, or just announcements it's fairly easy, but what about the announcement and cookout invitation? If I wait till after the wedding, that doesn't give people much time to plan if they want to come to the cookout. So far this is the biggest headache. Any advice would be appreciated!

- Sticky Stationery Situation

Dear Sticky Stationery,

Goodness, you have constructed a veritable bureaucracy for yourselves, but if this is the worst of your wedding planning, you're quite fortunate. It feels overwhelming but I think, given the relatively small numbers of people who need each kind of specialized set of materials you'll be able to manage it. The trick will be making sure you send the correct kind of announcement/ invitation to each guest. As someone who blushed for weeks following a tragic mail merge, I feel obliged to warn you to be careful. Don't do the stuffing and mailing when you are distracted or sleepy.

Traditionally, wedding announcements are not a required nuptial stationery expense, but they offer a convenient way to let distant friends know about your wedding. This kind of announcement is generally sent "from" the bride's parents, as in: "BRIDE'S PARENTS have the honor of announcing the marriage of BRIDE to GROOM on WEDDING DATE, TOWN NAME, STATE NAME." Naturally, you don't need to invoke your parents if you don't want to, and you can include whatever you like in the announcement text. This kind of announcement should be mailed immediately after the wedding.

Having said that, your plans will probably require a couple of post office visits. Invitations to the actual wedding need to be sent about six weeks before the event. For very small, informal affairs attended only by local people, you can get away with sending the invitations out later, but check with your caterer first. Caterers often want to have a headcount two or three weeks in advance, so you might want to stick with the six-week rule regardless of the formality of your party.

As for your two other variations, you may want to flaunt tradition. For invitations to receptions only, Emily Post says that the few people who get invited to the wedding ceremony as well should be invited "orally." This would get you off the hook for one of your invitation categories, but you may not feel comfortable trusting your guests to remember all the details. Your idea of creating a combination wedding invitation and reception invitation is fine, and should also be mailed out six weeks before the wedding. Your only confusing category is the one that includes people who you think should get the announcement and the reception invitation. You will either need to send this packet out before your wedding (so your guests will be able to make arrangements to attend), or it might be less confusing if you sent only the reception invitation (and apply the six-week rule). Certainly, if they receive the reception invitation, your guests will know you got married, and you can of course choose wording that indicates your wedding ceremony happened earlier.

Whew. How did I do? I'm out of breath just thinking about these variations, but I don't think any of this is unreasonable or impossible.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:31 PM    <link>

PLEASE NO PRESENTS?

Dear Elise,

My partner and I have been together for eight years and, for various social and political reasons, the legal sanctioning of our relationship has never been a priority or necessity. We know we are committed and that is comfortable for us. While our convictions have not changed, we are becoming increasingly concerned about protecting one another's legal, medical, and financial well being, in case of unforeseen events. In addition, we have beloved aging family members for whom our public union would be very meaningful, and we like the idea of gathering our family and friends for a happy occasion. We are an unconventional couple, so much so that the news of our intention to marry will surely cause gasps of disbelief. So, we are considering holding a simple, civil, "self-uniting" ceremony (legal in Pennsylvania due to the state's Quaker history): no officiant, no wedding party, just us, encircled by friends and family, probably in a public park.

My question pertains to wedding gifts. My partner and I have a combined graduate student/teacher's income and, therefore, we are overtly conscious of the costs involved in attending a wedding, particularly for out-of-town guests. There is a wide range of income levels among our friends and family. Our priority is to concentrate our loved-ones for a party, and we do not wish to add to anyone's financial burden with obligatory wedding gifts. So, we have considered adding something like "No gifts, please" to the invite literature. At the same time, we also have older, traditional, affluent family members to whom giving a gift that they could see enjoyed and appreciated would be meaningful. And, frankly, we could use the assistance. Do you have any advice for how to deal with an issue such as this? Is there a delicate and gracious way to phrase something that makes clear that gifts are unnecessary without offending or discouraging well-wishing, generous relatives? We appreciate any advice you may have. Many thanks!

Best,
Reluctant Recipient

Dear Reluctant,

For the sake of all parties, you should leave off your "no presents" directive. The problem with the whole request is that while you want it to sound gracious, it comes off as merely confusing. Some people will not be stopped and will bring presents and there is nothing you can do about it. Others will be miffed or even offended at receiving such a directive that interrupts their good intentions. Historically, it is neither yours to request nor reject presents (as is highlighted by the ongoing argument about whether one can include registry information in the invitation; for the record, I think this is a bad idea). No one is required to bring a gift to a wedding. It is a gesture that should come as an expression of pleasure for the couple.

I have written about this before, that it is curious that wedding "showers" are unusual because they are parties that require presents, while the wedding itself does not, and this should put you at ease. Let people do what they want. You are not unduly taxing them; you are letting them act naturally. Having said that, you are under no obligation at all to register anywhere and if asked directly, you can say that you don't want presents and would just be happy with the pleasure of your guests' company.

You will find that it is difficult to push people in any direction and the best way to handle the whole scenario is to say nothing and write thank you notes as necessary.

Congratulations, you ceremony sounds as if it will be a pleasure.

Elise


posted by Elise at 4:14 PM    <link>

SEEKING THE SPIRITUAL IN THE CITY

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I don't want to get married in a church. This may to break my parents' hearts. Do you have any creative suggestions for creative/spiritual places for a ceremony? We would like to get married in New York City

Thanks,
Searching for a Spot

Dear Searching,

Wedding ceremony locations fall somewhat outside the umbrella of etiquette – there are no traditional "rules" about where one gets married. That said, your issue seems to be about feelings: how to accommodate your not wanting a church wedding with the Parental Collective's ardent desire for the exact opposite.

If not using a church is a non-negotiable point for you, then you should be prepared to give a little on other aspects of your wedding. This can work to your advantage. By standing firm in one area, you can show how flexible you are, and how willing you are to make your relatives happy in other arenas.

As for wedding locations in New York City, there are lots of creative spots. I tend to feel that the spiritual or inspirational elements will make themselves manifest if you feel inclined to summon them, so the trick will be finding a place that moves you. If you are looking for inspiration from nature, you can turn to the City's wonderful parks, but there are also numerous strange and wonderful buildings that you can try. Here is a small sampling that I rounded up, but I offer it with the caveat that it doesn't begin to scratch the surface of your options. For parks try Central Park, Prospect Park, the New York Botanic Gardens, and The Brooklyn Botanic Gardens. The Brooklyn Society for Ethical Culture offers nice nonsectarian ceremonies in a turn of the (last) century mansion in Park Slope. If you like fauna, and have a lot of cash handy, there's the American Museum of Natural History, the Bronx Zoo, or the New York Aquarium. There is a wonderful but expensive space on the Lower East Side called the Angel Orensanz Foundation that used to be a synagogue, but which really looks quite Gothic. Finally, if you're willing to go to Staten Island, you could try the New York Chinese Scholar's Garden and the Snug Harbor Cultural Center. There are also lots of historic buildings that you can use for ceremonies, so I suggest exploring your tastes and preferences and see what turns you on.

Don't forget, you can always jump into the Vendors folder on Kvetch and ask if any of the local New York IndieBrides have other suggestions.

Congratulations and let me know where you decide to do the deed,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:42 AM    <link>

HANDLING A BAD DAD

Dear Elise,

We will be married in October and have had a lot of time to plan the wedding. There is only one thing that weighs on my mind when thinking about the event: whether or not to invite my father.

My parents were divorced when I was 9, and I lived with my father until I was 12. By that point our relationship had disintegrated and I left to live with my mother and stepfather. I didn't speak to my father for 10 years, and when we did speak it was out of necessity. That has been the situation for a long time (I'm 35 now).

However as my father's health disintegrates and as I've gotten older myself, I have softened towards him. We talk maybe once or twice a year now, but he's still the same old man (a jerk) and I am petrified he is going to wreak havoc at my wedding. He ruined my sister's wedding back in the day by promising to pay for everything and reneging in the 11th hour. (That's not a consideration for us: we are paying ourselves).

Meanwhile, I am very close with my mother and stepfather. I consider my stepfather to be the real parent. I have 6 half-siblings, all invited to the wedding and all have different relationships with our father- some OK, some terrible. Then there's my mother. If you so much as mention my father she practically has a physical allergic reaction. It's painful to watch!

I have had all kinds of advice from both family members and friends and it all differs. To complicate matters, my fiance wants him to be invited since he thinks I will regret it at some point. Maybe I will, but I am really worried about the here and now: will he say something evil to my mother and ruin her day, too?

OY VEY. Any advice?

- Confused

Dear Confused,

Yours is not a question of etiquette, but etiquette may provide a bit of guidance for you. As you probably assume, traditionally, one invites one's parents to one's wedding. Actually, tradition holds that one's parents (if one is the bride) are the people who do the inviting.

Would you miss your father at your wedding? I don't mean your father's IDEAL presence, if he could actually comport himself with love and decorum; I mean, would you miss him if he AND his bad behavior weren't there? Your fiance's impulse to be inclusive is a good one. Excluding people and making lasting personal or political points with one's wedding invitations is something one will almost certainly regret. Your case is different, though. You don't have a passionate desire to exclude your father because of recent or occasional behavior; he has acted badly throughout your life. If you don't want him at your wedding, you would be acting out of a desire for self-preservation, not revenge.

Does your father know you're getting married? Did his response to the news please you or make you anxious? Since you aren't concerned about his financial sabotage, as your sister was, what other concerns do you have? Or are you fundamentally preoccupied with how his presence could hurt other people- your mother, for instance?

Generally, I don't advocate excluding major relatives out of a revenge impulse, but in this case I think you know best what to do. If you do invite him and he attends, it might be wise to get some kind soul to be your father's "keeper," someone who will keep him away from your mother and ensure that he won't provoke you or anyone else. If you don't invite him, you could arrange to have a celebratory dinner with him. This could ameliorate some bad feelings while protecting the grace of your wedding.

Etiquette, as I have said before, is about making people comfortable. Consider who would be made happy or unhappy by your father's presence at your wedding. Take your feelings into account as much as those of your parents. You can't make a wrong choice, here. If he does go and misbehaves, it would only reflect poorly on him. He really can't ruin your wedding. The whole occasion is not about him and there will be plenty of people around to remind him of that.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 8:53 AM    <link>

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