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Saturday, July 31, 2004

REGISTRY-A-RAMA

Dear Elise,

I've read back through your archives (a delightful experience!) but don't think I found the answer to my dilemma: Is it proper to register if it is a second marriage?

My honey had a traditional wedding with lots of guests and a registry the first time he got married. I got married at the courthouse with no witnesses other than my dog. My ex and I had several parties thrown for us after we were married. My mom kept insisting that I register, because it would be easier for people to get us gifts, but I never did. It wasn't so much an issue with my friends, but I never heard the end of it from my mom and sister.

My future husband and I are both in our late 30's, live together and have a fairly established household, so we don't really need anything. I don't want to make any etiquette faux pas or appear greedy, but I also know that people will want to get us gifts and I don't want it to be difficult for them. If it isn't a breach of etiquette to register, would it be OK to register for a honeymoon? I would never ask for cash, but there is a travel company that sets up an on-line registry for parts of the honeymoon: portions or airfare, nights at hotels, rental cars, sightseeing trips, etc. It sounds great, but again, I don't want to do the wrong thing.

Thanks so much for your advice and for writing such a great column.

Sincerely,

- Not a Material Girl

Hi, Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married this September, and are only planning on having about 20 guests. We have yet to set the exact location for the ceremony, but plan to have a small get-together/party at my parents' house afterward. I am curious to know if we should still register for gifts, or expect gifts at all? This is going to be such a simple, small affair that I basically consider myself to be eloping as it is. I don't want to tell people not to bring gifts, however, as that may come across as rude.

Help! Thanks!

- Little Wedding

Dear Not Material and Little Wedding,

Etiquette bashers always scoff that codes of behavior and manners are useless because times change and the mores of today are more advanced and savvy than the musty ways of the past. As is the case with most hasty generalizations, this is silly and reductive (one can think of other lists of similarly old rules that don't get bashed nearly as much) and gives no credit to the notion of Etiquette Evolution.

The very words "wedding registry" once made etiquette experts cringe, where now they merely make them feel a bit squirmy. As always, the registry objection comes from the fact that a registry is essentially a list of requests for presents. But registries are incredibly handy. People like giving presents that the wedding couple actually wants, and registries save time, energy and reduce indecision. So, things are evolving, etiquette-wise, and registries are now the norm.

So, Not Material, (and I'm very glad you enjoy the column; thank you for your kind words) you can certainly register for your wedding, even if it is your second wedding. Remember, some people don't believe in giving presents for second weddings, so don't be offended if that happens. As far as registering for a honeymoon, you're treading on slightly untried ground. Honeymoon registries are new, and for your sake, I would check things out with the Better Business Bureau to make sure that nothing untoward has been reported about your travel agent. This might get a mixed response: some people will chaff at the idea of just giving money and some will be happy to contribute, so you should be prepared to pay for at least some of your honeymoon. The only thing that I would caution you against is including your registry information on your wedding invitation itself. You may also want to check out the Alternatives to Registering threads on Kvetch, for further counsel about your plan.

And what niggling relative has got you all worried, Little Wedding, that registering would be inappropriate? There is nothing wrong with creating a wedding registry, no matter how small your event is going to be. Seriously, the only thing one shouldn't do is become a registry bully. To this end, it is best to let word of mouth carry your registry information and not include it on your invitation, as I mentioned above. Many people include their registry details on wedding web sites or in the little information packets (containing maps, addresses, hotel information, etc.) they send out to guests after the invitations have been sent. These latter solutions will still ruffle the feathers of etiquette sticklers, but it is a quiet solution that gets the word out. As long as your invitation doesn't contain a big present request, I think you're beyond safe.

Congratulations all around.

Elise


posted by Elise at 9:48 AM    <link>

THANK YOU FEVER - CATCH IT!

Dear Elise,

I have a post-wedding etiquette question. I was married recently and am in the process of sending out thank you cards for the wedding gifts that we received. I had also planned on sending thank you cards to the several guests who attended our wedding but did not give us a gift.

I have been told that this will look as if I am reminding them that they did not give a gift, which will either embarrass them or look like a gift grab and that it is better not to send them a card at all. Some of these guests traveled to come to our wedding, and I truly did appreciate that; others were local friends and it was nice to see them. The thank you card would be to thank them for sharing the day with us. My husband has no interest in sending these people thank you cards, as he feels it was rude of them to attend our wedding (which included a substantial sit down meal) without sending even a card to acknowledge it. Am I completely off base in wanting to thank everyone for being there?

On a similar note, several friends who were invited but were unable to attend our wedding, sent congratulatory cards; I feel silly sending a thank you card for a card, so I'm wondering if it is OK to just thank them the next time I'm in touch with them?

I know this sounds nit-picky, but I really want to avoid making anyone feel unappreciated. I really thought these etiquette questions would end with the wedding!

- Still Navigating Murky Waters

Dear Navigating-

I admit to being something of a stationary freak myself, but your zeal is really wildly commendable.

Let's free ourselves from the constraints of the Thank You Note. You know what that is: a heartfelt acknowledgement of a present or a gesture. As for the rest of your proposed letters, think of these notes as simple correspondence. You don't need to frame your letters all as thank yous. For the people who came in from out of town or your local friends who didn't send presents, chatty notes on neutral stationary saying how happy you are that they could make it would be fine and beyond gracious. In the case of the folks who sent congratulations cards, you really don't need to thank them, but of course when you see them in person or in the course of emails or phone calls you can let them know that you appreciated their thoughts. If anyone complains about your notes for any reason, you have every right to sniff gently and say that you're sorry that all of their other friends clearly don't like them as much as you do. That should shut them up.

You aren't off-base, so much as you are perhaps over-exerting yourself. This is fine. The wedding is over and now you can relax and let your relationships return to their natural states. (This takes some effort, I know, and you are probably still decompressing from your nuptials.) If you feel like writing to everyone, feel free, but know that you won't find yourself on thin ice if you don't.

Congratulations,

Elise



posted by Elise at 2:56 PM    <link>

THE COUSIN QUANDARY

Dear Elise,

I'm postulating guest-lists. Is it tacky to allow kid cousins to come to a wedding while you don't invite adult children of aunts and uncles that you aren't close to? The said aunts and uncles would be there, but I don't see why I should include invites to adult cousins that I haven't seen in years. Is it safer/nicer to invite everyone?

- Puzzled Over the Rules

Dear Puzzled,

For once, here's a wedding choice that does not have to fall on one side or the other of the Nice / Wicked divide. You don't have to invite the adult cousins you scarcely know to your wedding. Having said this, families are strange, and you may want to sound out your parents if you feel you need some extra reassurance.

The rules of children are complicated, I know, but some of the reasons they are tricky comes from what it means to have a child (or be one). Children can't be left alone; parents feel attached to their kids, and like to include them in important family events; sometimes there is competition among adults to see which kids get included... the list goes on. In general, however, once one's relatives reach, say, the age of consent, these considerations fade away. They are grown-up distant relatives who often have families of their own and no longer exist as a unit with their parents. Generally, they're on their own.

So, fear not, unless you have a singularly close family and have heard rumblings of discontent from your parents, you are on solid ground if you choose only to invite the relatives you know.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:40 AM    <link>

BETWEEN THE SHEETS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have every intention of spending the night before the wedding together. We live together, are not at all traditional or superstitious, and we strongly believe that we are in this whole marriage/wedding thing together, so we want to be together and support each other.

Our friends are in an uproar. I have had several people tell me they plan to PROHIBIT me from spending the night with my future husband, and various others telling me I am jinxing myself by spending the night with him. A couple of women are practically insisting I buy them a hotel room so they can carry me away to it. I guess can see the point: that a night apart before the big day might increase our joy in seeing each other at the top of the aisle, but we think our excitement will increase from wonderful pillow talk and happy snuggles the night before.

How do I tell these well-meaning folks to shut their traps? I particularly wish to shut up the folks who tell me I will jinx my future happiness. However, I do wonder if everyone will be so upset, do I have some sort of obligation here to ensure peace? Also, am I just stubborn about wanting to be together with my fiance the night before, and should I just go drop $150 bucks on a lonely hotel room with stiff sheets and that hotel smell?

Thanks,

- Night Before Jitters

Dear Night Before,

How, in such a frightening election year, your friends don't have other things to think about is beyond me. Yours is not a question of tradition (which varies), but why your friends are so invested in the most private details of your nuptials. To say this issue is none of their business is to state the obvious. In what I will charitably assume is the excitement of the moment, they seem to have forgotten remedial decorum.

You don't need me to tell you that you are entitled to sleep anywhere you like, and you are certainly not obliged to rent hotel rooms for your friends who altruistically want to keep you away from home and close to a mini-bar, but you do have something of a problem of influence. Are you seriously concerned about your friends' opinions and superstitions? If so, now is the time to learn the fine art of Changing the Subject. It will be much harder for them to harass you about your choices if you don't volunteer information and dodge the issue when it comes up.

If your friends won't be put off, the only thing left for you to do is to bring them down to earth, I’m afraid. It may feel awkward, but when faced with the teasing and the threatened bad luck you can just say that you know what you're doing, and why would they want to make you feel bad or uncomfortable the night before your wedding? If they suggest you're violating tradition by sleeping at home, just say that it isn't your tradition and put the conversation to bed.

It wasn't so long ago that people actually enjoyed privacy, and didn't feel quite as obliged as they do these days to find out about their friends' sex lives. Reassure everyone that you will still feel just as close to them if they don't know all of your most intimate secrets, and have a good night's sleep in your own bed.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:41 PM    <link>

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES

Dear Elise,

I'm getting married in two months. One of my closest friends just sent me an e-mail letting me know that she isn't going to be able to make it because her job will be taking her out of town the weekend I'm getting married. She went on to say that she is sending her girlfriend in her place to represent them both.

Let me be clear: her girlfriend was invited to the wedding as my friend's guest, but doesn't sending your guest when you can't come seem weird to you? What makes it uncomfortable is that I don't know this friend well. I've only met her once briefly and she has a reputation for being annoying. I would have to sit her next to the few people she has met before, and I happen to know that have some problems with her. They get along but I know they don't want to be responsible for her all night. I just feel like this is a major breech in etiquette and I'm not sure if I should tell her that I'm not cool with it or not.

What do you think?

- No Proxies

Dear No Proxies,

I scarcely know where to begin. One wonders what happened to your friend. This is a situation where etiquette and common sense should dovetail quite nicely.

That happy convergence is being ignored, and your letter prompts a flood of unanswerable questions. Why would your friend send her friend solo to a wedding where she wouldn't know anyone, least of all the bride and groom? Why would she think this plan would make you happy? Why would the proxy even want to attend? If manners and reason direct people towards states of greater comfort, why would your friend and her friend opt for a situation where everyone is uncomfortable?

I could keep on going, but that would get us nowhere. Perhaps the best route to take is a direct one. Did you formally invite the Proxy Guest? If so, it would be difficult to actively dis-invite her, but maybe you can give her an "out." Speak to your friend. Tell her you are sorry she can't make it and that you understand entirely, but indicate that she doesn't need to send a proxy. If you are indeed very close friends, you can even be frank about your worries that you don't really know this woman and you are afraid she will find herself all alone with no one to talk to. No matter what happens, know that you will not have to be responsible for the Threatened Proxy at your wedding. Your obligations will be so many and varied that babysitting will be out of the question.

Most wedding invitations are not open and do not encourage substitutions. This is reasonably common knowledge. I suspect, at the bottom of this, is that your friend is not thinking. Lay it on the line with her and see what happens. She very well may have come up with the whole proxy idea out of guilt for not being able to be at your wedding. Perhaps if you give her your blessing, she won't feel the need to fob off her friend on you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:00 PM    <link>

PRESENTING...

Dear Elise,

I keep reading that it is customary to honor bridesmaids, flower folks, groomsmen, etc., with presents before the wedding. I am usually a very smart gift giver, but I am stuck. I have no idea what to spend, what sort of gifts I should get (it seems in catalogs, jewelry is very common for women), and how original I should be. In an ideal world, I'd buy gifts like I always do, keeping the receiver in mind, but trying to find something unique. I have learned that weddings create expectations, and I feel I have to buy the "right" thing.

I was thinking for the women that I could buy them manicures the day before, and we could share the experience. But this is not a tangible gift that they can KEEP. I was also thinking of crafting beauty care items and candles-- I am very good at this--but afraid homemade would seem cheap. I can't fathom what to get the children, but for them, jewelry almost does seem a nice fit. I loved getting it as a child more than I do as an adult.

What do I do? What really is appropriate, desired, expected by the gift receivers in this situation? I know etiquette also dictates that one graciously accepts a present, but it doesn't stop me from mild panic. I want to do all the right things too.

- Gifted Out

Dear Gifted,

What happens when an industry decides that something is traditional? Everyone ends up miserable and indecisive. Your confusion doesn't come from not knowing what to give, but from not knowing what is appropriate. The sysyphean wedding battle between conformity and originality is being waged once again. Are you ready to draw your sword?

You should do what you want to do and only spend as much money as makes you comfortable. All of your ideas are good, but the possibilities really are endless. I have heard of people giving carefully chosen books to their attendants; reasonably-priced jewelry is always popular; a little collection of toys that could entertain children during and after the wedding might be nice for the kids; and someone I know gave small, easy-to-keep-alive plants to her crowd.

Above all, don't worry about reactions. These are your friends. This is why they are standing up for you. A present from you is a gesture of your gratitude, not payment for services provided. Anyone who thinks otherwise deserves the proverbial stocking o' coal. So relax and enjoy shopping or creating these presents and know that you can do no wrong.

Congratulations, you're in the home stretch,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:34 PM    <link>

RING-A-DING-DING

Hi Elise,

Can you tell me the etiquette around wedding rings and deceased parents? My parents died several years ago and my mother left her diamonds to her daughters. One of my sisters was already married, and the other will probably not get married. I am recently engaged and like the idea of wearing my mother's rings as my own. My fiance is open to buying the rings from the estate. I am curious about tradition surrounding inherited rings. Is it appropriate to wear my mother's rings instead of one we pick out together? Is it possible that either he or I might feel we made an impersonal choice when it comes down to it- because the rings were hers, and not specifically ours? Any thoughts?

Thanks,

Jewelry Jumble

Dear Jewelry,

Contrary to anything you may hear from nosybody relatives, friends and strangers, there is no etiquette for wedding or engagement rings. There are some rules dictated by various religions, but that is spirituality speaking, not etiquette. In short, you can do anything you like, even not wear rings at all.

Now, if purchasing and wearing your mother's rings doesn't ruffle any feathers in your family (I can't see why it should, but one never knows with relatives), and this is something you want to do, it sounds like a beautiful gesture and tribute to your parents. Even here you have a number of choices that might help you connect the rings to your marriage (as opposed to that of your parents). You can simply wear the rings as you know them, you can have them engraved to make them more personal, or you can take the stones from the ring(s) and reset them. All of these choices are legitimate and depend entirely on your taste, your feelings, and (probably) your ring size.

Keep in mind that this is not a "weird" decision at all. Many people go out of their way to find estate jewelry for their engagement and wedding rings; they prefer older styles and enjoy having something with history. In your case, your life and the rings are already linked, so rather than impersonal, I would consider your choice uniquely personal.

I have some talents, but am not clairvoyant (oh, would that I were) and can't predict how you would feel about this choice down the line. I can say, however, that engagement and wedding rings are bound to be the pieces of jewelry about which you will feel very sentimental. Choosing rings that are meaningful to you is much more important than any fashion. In short, your idea sounds splendid, but it is really up to you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:54 PM    <link>

HOW TO BE YOURSELF

Hi Elise-

I recently got engaged (in February) and I was super excited to plan our wedding. I'm not the traditional type, however I'm finding it very difficult to have an unconventional, elegant wedding on a "tight" budget.

When I was looking for a location, sure I found really cool spots, but then you had to hire a caterer, rent chairs, etc and it just kept adding up. So I got stuck! I settled on a typical banquet hall that includes dinner and drinks. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful facility, but it's typical and traditional and ordinary- everything my fiance and I are not. Needless to say, it's not as much fun as I thought it was going to be. So I guess my question for you is, what suggestions do you have to turn this ordinary hall into an extraordinary yet elegant setting for our wedding (within a tight budget of course)?

Thanks,

- Cramped Style

Dear Cramped,

Weddings inevitably cramp one's style, no matter how much money one has to throw around. Inevitably something - or someone - will get in the way of one's plans (weather and relatives are prime culprits) forcing all kinds of compromise. In this way, weddings are actually microcosms of one's real life, not fantasies magically free of the angst and indecision that plague us in more quotidian instances.

So, how can you make your wedding original? This is not my absolute forte. I haven't been able to get my mind properly around theme-events since the senior prom when I was a high school freshman had a "Unicorns and Rainbows" motif (I realize I am dating myself miserably right now). But I think you would do well to think about the venue and your personal taste and start setting more limits.

Does this sound counterintuitive? A little formal rigor never hurt anyone, and in this case it may inspire you. There are many elements you can probably influence: colors, flower choices, food, cake decorations, tablecloth colors, and music, among others. If you are really into, say, the Jazz Age, you could plan your music and decorations accordingly, or if you like things to be a little minimalist, you could certainly request more austere, modern floral arrangements and decor. Some people plan "black and white" events with strict no-color requirements (though it is hard to get all of your guests to go in for this).

There are zillions of possibilities, because what you are really asking is how you can add elements of your and your fiance's personalities to a nice, if impersonal, venue. You know your taste and your passions, and it won't be hard to find a way to express yourselves within your limitations. Let yourself go.

Congratulations and have a great time planning.

Elise



posted by Elise at 4:25 PM    <link>

ALL ABOARD!

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I live on the opposite side of the country from our families. We've decided to get hitched next spring in Mexico. We are promoting it under the guise of "We're eloping and you're invited."

I'd like to send some announcement of our plans - or of our engagement or something so that if people would like to come they can start planning. Then I'd like to follow up with a more detailed invitation in a few months - the exact location and where people can stay etc.

Should I send the invitation to everyone even if I know they may not attend or should I just send the announcement?

Thank you,

Ready to Hit the Road

Dear Ready,

This sounds like a good plan and you're absolutely on the right path. In any destination wedding scenario, it is in everyone's best interests to know what you're doing sooner than later, so that plane tickets can be purchased, dog sitters arranged, etc. A version of the increasingly popular "save the date" card is perfect for your purposes, though you may want to include extra information about the location you've picked, so that people can start to make practical decisions (about hotels or transportation).

In the spirit of inclusiveness, I would send out invitations to everyone, even the people who indicate that they might not be able to make it. If their plans change and they can attend, they will be happy to know they weren't crossed off your list, and if they remain unable to go to your wedding they'll be pleased that you continued to keep them in mind.

Congratulations and have a wonderful time in Mexico.

Elise



posted by Elise at 3:48 PM    <link>

FAMILY MATTERS

Hi Elise-

I have a huge, big-hearted family spread all over the U.S. and no money. I would love to call everyone I love with our engagement news - aunts, uncles, cousins - but we are struggling with the budget and may not be able to invite all of them. I love these people with all my heart and would rather die than offend them. Which would be better: to call in person, and risk people assuming that because they are so dear to me that I called in person, that they will be invited? Should I perhaps hint at a "small gathering" during those calls, to plant seeds that they may not be able to be part of it?

Or should I let the news travel by others, even though they may be hurt that I didn't call myself?

Or does this sound more like the kind of situation where we would do better to invite everybody and eat Fritos?

Any ideas very much appreciated!

- Ready to Make the Calls

Dear Ready,

Do not knock corn flour-based snack foods. I have a strong sense that my own mother, in certain passionate moments, would sell me, her first born, for a large bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. So, what should you do about this family of yours? Keep in mind that letting people know you are engaged does not mean that you are required to invite them to your wedding. It is enough just to let them share in the pleasure of the moment, and they will appreciate that you called and talked to them yourself. Don't be embarrassed by your lack of means.

As far as expectations that they will be invited to your wedding, there is not much you can do to manage them. If you have really not planned that far ahead, you can honestly say you don't know what your plans are and have no idea how large or small a gathering you can afford. If you know you are only having the immediate family, then there is nothing wrong with gently saying that you are having a really tiny wedding, but would love to celebrate with them sometime.

You are right to be sensitive about the question of invitations, but at a certain point your wedding will be common knowledge. The best way to limit hurt feelings is to be open with your relatives and treat them with respect, while being firm about your limits.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 3:53 PM    <link>

POST-ELOPEMENT PARTY?

Dear Elise,

My nephew and his fiance just got married in Reno. They eloped.

We are all very happy for them and my sister wants to give them a reception for family and very close friends. Can we do anything wrong? Would it be all right to have: flowers, cake, a DJ, pictures, a caterer, invitations?

I'm sure people do this all of the time yet I can't find any suggestions.

Thank you.

- Ready for a Party

Dear Ready,

I’m afraid the elopement has made you a little skittish. Rest easy. Your desire to celebrate is not about to breech any structures of good taste or etiquette. All of the elements you find worrisome are things that one could easily find at a party thrown for non-wedding purposes. I don't think anyone could seriously object (barring allergies or general ill-will) to flowers or cake, and how would guests even know about the party without invitations?

Really, the only thing that you really need to be at all concerned about is whether your nephew and his new bride want a party or would find it uncomfortable. Since you're planning a small bash for family and close friends, they will probably not object, but it would be good to check with them, just in case. Beyond that, just enjoy throwing a great party for a happy event.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:40 AM    <link>

ANNOUNCING NO NAME CHANGE

Elise,

I like my name a lot, identify very strongly with my heritage on my dad's side of the family, and my fiance's first marriage ended due to issues with independence (or lack thereof), so he really likes the symbolic significance of my keeping my name. My parents don't care and his parents don't care, so there it is. No drama or hurt feelings.

What I don't know is what we should be called to indicate our decision on the name thing. We will be getting married in January in a small, untraditional ceremony, officiated by my father. We like the part of the traditional ceremony where we are presented as the newly married couple to those in attendance, but what does my dad call us, since there's no Mr. and Mrs. involved? And when we send out the combination marriage announcements/invitations to the big party back at home, is there a way to make it clear that I'm not "Mrs. Smith"?

Signed,

- Playing the Name Game

Dear Name Game-

A strife-free question is a rarity, and a pleasure in these dog days of summer. You have all kinds of choices, but don't let that daunt you.

The field is wide open for your post-ceremony introduction to your guests. You could simply have your father say something along the lines of: "YOUR NAME and YOUR GROOM'S NAME are now husband and wife," or "You may now celebrate the marriage of YOUR NAME and YOUR GROOM'S NAME." It's up to you. Many people write their own vows and there's no reason you aren't entitled to be as creative as you'd like.

It is amusing that one must come up with a way to announce that something is not changing, but it is wise of you to be proactive. As you suggest, one possibility is to send out marriage announcements that indicate your names. Traditional wedding announcements, like traditional wedding invitations, are often worded as coming from the bride's parents:

BRIDE'S MOTHER and BRIDE'S FATHER
have the honor of announcing
the marriage of their daughter
YOUR NAME
to
GROOM'S NAME
on DATE
PLACE

You are of course free to construct your own announcement coming from you directly. The only trouble you may face if you send the announcements as invitations (with different wording, obviously) is that people may assume you're using your maiden name up until the wedding and not realize that you're making a name statement in addition to your nuptial announcement.

The solution here, is to do something even more old-fashioned. It is funny, in this day and age of endless wedding stationary elements (save-the-date cards, invitations, Rsvp cards, thank you note cards, etc.) that the "at home" card, which could save a lot of trouble, has fallen out of use, and I'm pleased to have the honor of reintroducing it. As Miss Manners pointed out in the dark ages of 1979, the at home card not only tells where the newlyweds are going to be living (since the tradition started in the days before people commonly cohabitated before marriage), but what their names are going to be.

The standard text on these cards, for people who are not changing their names, would be:

BRIDE'S NAME (centered)
GROOM'S NAME (centered)
After DATE WHEN HOME FROM HONEYMOON (flush left)
HOME ADDRESS (flush right on same line as the date)

Needless to say, you should play with the format to your heart's content. You could print up at home cards and include them with your wedding invitations or announcements or send them later.

I hope this helps.

Congratulations and enjoy selecting your nuptial font (to me the most pleasurable part of any stationery endeavor),



posted by Elise at 2:34 PM    <link>

REALLY, SERIOUSLY, ABSOLUTELY, NO GAMES

Dear Elise

I read your advice to the gal who is throwing a bridal shower for her "alternative" sister who said she doesn't want any "stupid games." I'm getting married and I told my bridesmaids who are planning my shower that I don't want games either. Two of them have basically said: "too bad we're having them." The other 2 said they won't if I really don't want them. But the first two are insisting on having it their way. I've told them all several times my preference but they keep insisting it will be okay and that it will be fun. Do brides not typically have any input on their shower? Any advice on how I get these two to understand?

Signed,

No Games

Dear No Games,

Wedding showers, originally happy gestures towards furnishing an incipient household with necessities, have calcified into hazing events, replete with stunts and embarrassing rituals, drinking games and secret codes. There is nothing wrong with the turn things have taken, if you like it, and there is nothing wrong with you if you don't like it.

There is, however, something a little devilish about friends who want to torture you with exactly the sort of shower you despise. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they are just high on the idea of a so-called "traditional" shower and think you are protesting too much but secretly want to wear the hat of ribbons. (By the way, no etiquette text I have read, and I have stretched back into the nineteenth century, makes any mention of any parlor games being necessary at showers. People were content with talking and drinking.)

Sit down with your friends, preferably individually, and be very straight about your wishes. If there is protest, you can ask gently why you should be uncomfortable and unhappy at a party in your honor. (That is the message; the phrasing of course is up to you.) You should not have to resort to threats, but you could always indicate that you will absent yourself once the games begin.

It is a mystery why people cannot accept the fact that their friends may have tastes that differ from their own, but this is the way of the world. While it is of course important to be gracious, there is no reason you should suffer for the amusement of others at your party. There is plenty of opportunity for that to happen at your friends' wedding showers.

Good luck. I’m sorry this is happening to you. If you must, feel free to refer your friends to me, though if they won't listen to you, I fear anything else I could write would fall on deaf eyes.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:15 AM    <link>

THEY CAN ALL GO TO HELL

Dear Elise,

My wedding is very soon and I am miserable. I know I am supposed to be happy about getting married, but the path to the altar has been strewn with other people's etiquette breaches, and it is worse every day.

My future in-laws seem to have no interest in our wedding. They continually tell us how inconvenient this year is for them (even after we changed date and place for them). They've narrowed their trip to three days, and are only interested in the local attractions. It is my freakin' wedding, and they are showing up at the last minute, and will not stay anywhere near everyone else because they need to be tourists.

My bridesmaids are also being difficult. One refused to go dress shopping and now doesn't have enough time to order her dress. Another friend still won't get back to me about whether she wants to be a bridesmaid or not. Nobody has offered to throw me a bridal shower. My fiancée approached one of the bridesmaids with a very strong hint and suggestion about what I would like, and got "that's nice" in response from her. The husband of one my bridesmaids is throwing a fit about the rehearsal dinner site, and is making his wife research other options.

My out of town family was so keen on the wedding, and now seems to refuse to answer my emails about any of the plans they need to make with me, claiming to be too busy although the wedding is so soon.

I had a friend of a friend threaten me and abuse me verbally when he found out I had not told someone else about the wedding yet. A guest spent 15 minutes asking about everything we are going to serve, and then said: "you know I won't bring a gift." This is after she RSVPd for TWO guests to attend with her and is demanding to be a chuppah pole holder.

I am depressed and apathetic about my wedding. I'd love to say the joy of the event is greater than the expected pain one gets when unleashing a wedding upon the world, but I cannot. How do I get what I want and need from those around me? How can I make my in-laws understand their role in the wedding or get my bridesmaids to provide a shower? How can I teach people to use etiquette? Secondly, now that the invites are out, how can I gracefully cancel the wedding if I cannot take the pain anymore? This just isn't what it should be, and I cannot find a way to make it be better.

Bride with Bee in Bonnet

Dear Bride With Bee-

What makes people so awful? Clearly your friends and family have quaffing some toxic punch. You have my sympathies.

You will never be able to teach people how to be polite or behave themselves. It is too late for that, anyway. The best revenge will be your own pleasure. To that end, you should not call off your wedding. I suspect you'd live to regret it, and you shouldn't have to just because these pests aren't excited or happy. As my maternal grandmother used to say (often): "They can all go to Hell." Embrace your nuptials. From now on, enjoy yourself and don't give anyone besides your future husband a second thought.

If your future husband's parents want to sightsee, so be it. Let them be your fiance's problem. If they don't show up, at least you don't have to smile at them when you'd really like to administer some rare torture.

If your bridesmaids don't have their dresses, let them wear whatever they come up with. Everyone will be looking at you, anyway. And forget about your indecisive bridesmaid. Don't call her; don't write. You simply do not need to be troubled by her. The shower is tricky. In your place, I would forget about it. Think of it as an obligation you don't have to deal with and see a movie or go out to dinner instead.

If your out of town family is being recalcitrant, stop communicating. Make other plans. Honestly, are these people you even want to see? If they decide to contact you, then you can decide if you're available for them. If not, that's their loss. Only a very few people are in charge of selecting the rehearsal dinner site. Your bridesmaid's husband isn't one of them. Smile sweetly and tell him you have it taken care of and thank him for his concern. If he does it again, tell him that he can renew his vows and have dinner anywhere he wants.

Are you sensing a pattern? Write everyone off. The only people you actually need for a wedding are your fiance, an officiant and a couple of witnesses. Everyone else is entirely expendable. As for other rudeness and slights and hideous behavior: ignore everything. Refuse to answer all questions.

Your happiness is the best sword against this crowd of sourpusses.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:05 PM    <link>

PARTY CLASH

Dear Elise,

Our wedding is in 2006 in Hawaii, and I want everyone to have the opportunity to make it, therefore we are giving close family and friends more than enough time to plan for it.Before we decided to go to Hawaii, he suggested we have our reception in a hideous place in our hometown. When I saw it, I shot down the whole idea and now we have other plans.

Now, I wanted to do something really special for my fiance's birthday this year, and I told him we should have an informal engagement/birthday party for him at the location he initially chose. I wanted his suggestion to be part of our wedding, and he agreed to the plan. Now that I have hand made over 20 invitations, put a refundable deposit on the facility and told my family, we have a problem.

My fiance just told me that his best friend is now getting married on my fiance's birthday. They had previously announced they were getting married in Jamaica in 2005. The only thing he said to them was "you know that's my birthday right?" I asked him what about the invitations that I have to mail and he had no idea what I was talking about. I told him what he agreed to and then when I asked him what to do about it and he said they are already planning and I should just drop it, a wedding is a bigger event than just some party.

What do I do now? I don't want to put it on my fiance and I don't want to bring up this issue with his friend because they all grew up in the same town and are his only family in this state. Should I send my invitations out because I was going to anyway and force them to pick a new date, which may not happen, or just step aside again so someone else can do what they want? Needless to say I just want everyone to be happy and for both weddings to be "perfect"

Thanks for your help,

- Don't Need the Drama

Dear Don't Need-

Your signature is a truism for the ages. Plan conflicts operate on the most annoying of Murphy's Laws because not only are they inevitable, but they often pain one person more than anyone else, and the rest of the world doesn't understand what the problem is, making it hard to get sufficient sympathy.

I think, if your fiance is happiest going to his friend's wedding, that you would be best off rescheduling your party. It will be very difficult later on to force him to choose the party over the wedding (even if he doesn't necessary express strong feelings now, he will probably be reluctant to slip his own best man's nuptials) and you don't want to be the agent of controversy.

Being flexible is very difficult, in party planning, and in life generally. Try to think of flexibility as a luxury- one you don't get to indulge very often. People will be grateful, and there may be a hidden upside to picking a new date. If you are magnanimous, and reschedule your birthday / engagement party, you'll have plenty of ammunition later, should you need to dig in your heels about other scheduling issues.

Having said this, you have my sympathies. Having to take peoples' shifting plans into account is inevitably incredibly annoying. I think, though, that if you don't make a the change now, before things get too painful, you could find yourself in a social snarl come Autumn that you'll find most unpleasant.

Get your fiance to confirm a new date and have a wonderful time.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 6:50 PM    <link>

TAMING THE MATER

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a destination wedding for May 2005. My family thinks this is weird. A few people have said things like: "What the heck would you want to do that for?" But the special problem is my mother. She has all these visions of what she thought my wedding day would be and is having a hard time letting go of them. It hurts me that she is so negative about my destination wedding- constantly "what iffing" and saying: "I've always pictured..." or "I've always thought..." whenever we talk about it. I have already had one blowout with her over this and thought things were better, but she is still on the same tack. I honestly think she hasn't bothered to look at it from our point of view.

This is what we want to do. We're the ones getting married and we're the ones paying for it. We are inviting everyone we would have invited if we had the wedding near home (about 85 people, including family and friends) and are keeping the ceremony (not the reception) fairly traditional.

How can I express my feelings to her without sounding rude or hurtful? I'm so frustrated at this point that without some guidance I think I could do real damage to our relationship if I express my concerns again. I should add that we're very close and always have been. She and one of my sisters do not speak and have not for years due to problems with her wedding; it was not about the details but about the whole marriage. While it's not the same situation, it's awfully close. I almost feel like she wouldn't be happy no matter what we ended up doing. Please help!

Signed,

Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?

Dear Whose Wedding,

Less than a week before her nuptials, a friend was taken aback when her mother interrupted a spat with the statement: "This isn't really your wedding." Does this sound familiar? Brides the world over have mothers desperately yearning to fulfill private wedding fantasies. You are not alone. One must handle these mothers by smoothing kid gloves over iron fists.

What are you going to do with your mother? I think you'll be best off with a little bit of compromise. This does not mean changing your larger destination wedding plans, rather try to come up with a few things your mother can plan: your cake, your flower arrangements, the menu (someone very close to me even let her mother select her wedding dress- though some felt that was going too far). If you give her a little control, or offer to work closely with her on these elements there is a good chance she won't feel excluded and inclined to snark at you. Of course this means you will have to compromise.

You are understandably angry with your mother and probably not inclined to reward her for her behavior or cater to her at all. But you love her, and you've watched wedding badness damage her relationship with your sister, so take counsel and see if you can find a few elements you care somewhat less about that you can give her. This is not giving in to her. You're using smoke and mirrors to get what you want: a happy wedding with your mother on board.

If these things don't do it for her and she is still a pill, you did your best and she can do her worst. I suspect, though, that if she can exercise her will a little and take credit for a thing or two, she'll back off.

Congratulations and good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:40 PM    <link>

KID LIMITS REDUX

Dear Elise,

I read through all of your advice on children, and my question is a slight variation on the "children of immediate family only" restriction.

We are getting married September on the West Coast, and are inviting a few of my fiance's close friends from the East Coast to the wedding, along with family from that area. I can see how we could get away with having the children of family at the wedding, but we can't very well ask guests to fly hundreds of miles and leave their children at home, can we? Is it OK to tell local guest with children that we are allowing children for out-of-town guests only? I also want to invite a neighbor that recently had a baby, but DEFINITELY don't want the baby crying through my ceremony, however, I think as a new mom she might have issues with leaving her baby with a sitter so soon. Do you have any advice on that? I feel like I have no choice (if it were really up to us we'd have no kids whatsoever), but I guess I just want a little reassurance that I'm not breaking some huge rule by not inviting ALL the kids. I haven't been to many weddings so don't know.

Somewhat along the same lines, because we have invited people who will need to make travel arrangements, we sent out save-the-date cards to our guest list. If someone lets us know before we send out the formal invites that he or she definitely CAN'T make it to the wedding, are we required to send him or her a formal invitation anyway? Or will that simply make them think we're stupid and/or didn't get it when they said they couldn't go?

Thanks!

Wanting Limits

Dear Wanting,

This is a delicate, supremely tricky situation. I do not think there is a way to draw the line between out-of-town children and in-town children with the same mercenary ease with which one can admit to, say, including only children of immediate family. Parents take exclusions personally and your friends may be quite hurt if you insist they leave their children at home, while other kids are permitted to attend merely because they live far away. This is a dicey line to draw.

The kid question is all or nothing. It will do you no good to try to explain an arbitrary rule. The only possible exception I can think of is with very little babies. It is often difficult for new parents to leave them for extended periods of time, and you could consider hiring a babysitter for the ceremony. Your friend, for instance, could perhaps be fine with having her child in the next room, watched over by a responsible adult. Every parent feels differently about this. (I know a woman who was so happy to have something to do after the birth of her child that she had her mother babysit for two hours so that she could attend a wedding ceremony and race home. On the other hand, I have known people who do not feel comfortable unless their babies are strapped to them almost constantly.) If you invite parents only and start to get questions about child-care, it would be nice to have some recommendations for babysitters or nanny services (perhaps your local friends can help you) to offer so that your friends don't feel completely at a loss for options.

You can also make your wedding unappealing for children if all the festivities happen at night. People will be more inclined to find babysitters, travel without their children, or not attend your wedding at all, especially if they have toddlers, who are bound to get cranky and exhausted. Don't take it personally if some of your friends with children tell you that they can't make it. For some, traveling with kids is overwhelming, others may be frightened by the idea of an untested sitter. These are not your choices to make. All you have to do is be upfront about what you want to do and have some gracious suggestions on hand.

Difficult and uncomfortable as it is, if you want limits, you must set and enforce them. Being draconian is much better to giving the appearance of playing favorites among your friends.

About invitations, I would just go ahead and send them to everyone, even the people who say they can't come. They'll be flattered that you continue to hope they will attend, and there is always the off-chance that their plans will change, leaving them ready to put on their party shoes. You may want to include a personal note acknowledging that you know they are busy, but you just wanted to let them know that they're still welcome.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:54 AM    <link>

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