archive
----------
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008

You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
- Simon & Schuster
- Amazon
- Barnes & Noble

Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

ENGAGEMENT PARTY PROTOCOL

Dear Elise,

Who are the appropriate people to invite to the engagement party? I have read all sorts of responses to this and I am still confused. I would love to have friends and family but do not want to create another "wedding"?!

Thanks.

- Ready to Tell the World

Dear Ready,

You're confused for the most reasonable reason around: there is no guidance. The issue of engagement party guest lists is really quite open. Now, I'm not going to leave you alone with that happy thought, because there are a lot of practical considerations that can use to help you shape the party.

Keep in mind that the engagement party is basically a local affair, so you don't need to invite far flung friends and relatives, even those you intend to invite to the wedding. (You always CAN, of course, but it isn't necessary.) Rather than duplicate the wedding guest list, you can include a subset of your potential guests and invite only your closest friends and family. That said, you shouldn't be too afraid of being inclusive. The engagement party is generally several months before the wedding, so you won't have to worry about getting sick of all these people from overexposure. Even the most recent Emily Post etiquette guide, known for its heft and attention to tiny details, is gregariously vague on this subject: "The guests list is unlimited, but the majority of engagement parties are restricted to relatives and good friends." So, you see, you can't go wrong.

The only thing you should not do is throw this bash if you or your fiance(e) is still married to someone else. That is considered bad form.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:01 AM    <link>

NO LINE

Dear Elise,

I appreciated your recent post on seating charts since this is coming up shortly. We're having a ceremony in an indoor public park and due to time and logistical issues we won't be having a receiving line. Our current plan is to visit all the tables during the reception. We're having a cocktail hour, sit-down dinner, and dancing. But what is the best way can we balance the obligation of seeing everyone with having fun at our reception? I'd like to actually taste my dinner. We're expecting about 100 people.

Thanks,

No Queue

Dear No Queue

Receiving lines are a tried-and-true tradition only because they serve a practical purpose, not a spiritual one. If you forgo this post-wedding greet-a-thon, you won't be doing anything you'll regret, so don't even furrow your brow worrying about that. Even Ms. Emily Post in her most recent edition admits that with smaller weddings (sadly, no, she doesn't come out and say what qualifies as "small" but 100 doesn't seem like too big a crowd) people often skip the receiving line, because it isn't hard to make the rounds later, but with so-called "large" weddings, it is difficult to shake all the required hands without the Line of Intense Smiling.

That said, you have lots of opportunities to talk to people and still eat dinner. Nowhere does it say you have to take care of everyone all at once, so you can get started during cocktails and visit tables between courses. Another great time to catch people is just after you cut the cake. Run around and chat while dessert is being served (though maybe you want to assign someone the task of nabbing slabs of cake and guarding them for you) and, assuming you don't have too large a crowd, you'll be able to see everyone and then some.

You're not being weird or difficult in skipping the receiving line, and I think in your case you might be doing yourself a big favor. If you are pressed for time and your schedule is already squeezed, don't try to stuff in a receiving line. One of the best things you can do to relax a complicated event is remove unnecessary elements. If the tradition is too troublesome, toss it.

And don't worry about offending anyone. After all, people know to come up to you (that's what they would do if you were having a receiving line), so you don't even have to worry about keeping track of which guests you might have missed.

Have a wonderful wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:24 AM    <link>

PRESENT NEGOTIATIONS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting nowhere on this one - we don't really want gifts from our 60 wedding guests.

Well, actually we happen to know some friends are making us really nice gifts themselves. But that is different because: a) they designed and made the things with their own hands and its personal and wonderful b) the gifts will be really cool and fit our taste.

But we don't want legions of relatives, who don't really know our taste or what we want, buying us toasters we don't need or tacky things we don't like.

So really I'm saying: we only want the good gifts! And I realize you can't put that on an invitation. We thought of registering but we actually don't need household items. And registering for other things (like camping gear - yay!), while it might be becoming more common in the USA, is not here in New Zealand (which is generally less traditional about weddings anyway).

What can we put on an invitation that will allow people to buy something if they want to (or know us well enough) and put off the people who would really only buy a gift because they felt they had to?

We'd really appreciate your guidance!

- Only Good Presents

Dear Only Good,

This issue troubles many, and I think the whole present problem stems from a side effect of wedding planning: expectation of control. Throughout the whole process of getting a wedding and reception together, the bride and groom are expected to be in charge of all kinds of people and decisions. The pressure is extraordinary and it is often hard to stop feeling obliged to weigh in on everything.

While I understand you want to control the whole present-giving aspect of your wedding, you'll eventually have to accept the fact that people will do what they want, regardless of your efforts. Aside from registering (and I might have some help for you in this department) there is little you can do to dissuade people from giving you things. Directives on invitations, as I've said before, don't breed comfort or good feelings and even the words "no gifts please" only inspire defiance or confusion (from people who will doubt you really mean it).

You say you have dismissed all of your local (to New Zealand) registry possibilities, but here is a novel avenue to try. A friend who married recently also just moved into a new house and her solution to the present dilemma was to was to "register" with a local nursery for trees and garden landscaping. She did this informally by negotiating with the store on her own, and when she sent out driving directions to her wedding, she included a card with information about the nursery, instructions about how people could purchase trees as wedding presents and a description of how her yard would look once all the planting was done. This takes a little more work, but if there is a local store (camping gear supplier, for instance) that you like and want to work with, it may be the answer to your problems.

Of course, you should still prepare yourself for so-called "traditional" presents. Some people simply can't stop themselves from giving unwieldy unattractive crystal ice buckets to graduate students (indeed, I am thinking of a specific instance- why do you ask?), and that is just the way of the world. Do what you can, but at a certain point, acknowledge your limitations and let the chips fall where they may.

Don't give up on the invent-it-yourself registry. You may find it does what no department store or catalogue can do for you. Again, though, I would suggest not including this information on your invitation, but send out a second mailing. (See the "What Makes the World Go Round?" column from 8.23.2004 for my feelings about this.) Good luck, good hunting.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:59 PM    <link>

WHAT MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND?

Dear Elise,

The Pastor of the church where I am employed as the Youth Minister (my husband is also a member) is engaged and has invited us to her wedding. I suspect that she has invited the whole congregation as well as all the staff. The ceremony (in our church) will be followed by a "light reception." I think it's lovely that she wants to invite all of us and we have accepted. But there's an etiquette issue.

Enclosed in the invitation was a note "regarding gifts," requesting that donations be sent to a "home fund" (administered by a church secretary) to help the couple buy a house. I understand why people their age would not want the usual sort of gifts, but it seems rude to come right out and ask for money in the invitation.

When I was engaged I let it be known to family (by word of mouth, or "mothergram") that monetary gifts would be appreciated (by the two superannuated starving artists) but would never have asked for money in an invitation. We also registered for a few things so friends (and relatives who didn't want to give money) would have some alternatives.

I guess I just want to know if you think my Pastor was being rude. I'll send a check to the fund anyway, since she didn't provide an alternative and I DO want to give some gift but...feeling a bit coerced.

- Christian Charity?

Dear Christian Charity,

What can I tell you? Requests for money are difficult to swallow, and I say that not for reasons of uptightness or tradition.

No matter how delicately they are phrased, cash round-ups are problematic and awkward. Asking for money, unless everyone is from one of the cultures that always gives money as wedding presents (in which case the request scarcely needs to be made), invariably gives guests a weird feeling. I tend to think that part of the discomfort people feel comes from not knowing how much money to give, feeling that their gesture will be seen as cheap (when compared to the offerings of others), impersonal, or will force them into revealing their financial limitations that will, again, leave them open to judgment by the wedding couple.

Your situation is made somewhat more complicated by the fact that this wedding and the attendant obligations come through your job and your church. Of course you feel coerced. You're in a strange situation; so don't dismiss your own discomfort at being pressured by your co-worker into making a financial donation.

You ask if I think your Pastor is being rude, and clearly I find her invitation problematic. It is too late to adjust the etiquette, so let me just say that monetary requests are Not For Me, and I also prefer it when people don't ask for donations (or give registry information) at the same time as they send the invitation. Being asked for money immediately like that makes one feel that there is a fee for wedding attendance. It is much less awkward to hear about all registry details by word of mouth, through a secondary information packet (mailed out after the invitations), or though a web site. I think financial requests are unwise largely because they breed discomfort and confusion, but you are doing what I would do: acquiescing to the demand and keeping my complicated feelings to myself.

Clearly, no one wants to be rude or seem greedy, and I think asking for money really does tend to come out of a spirit of efficiency or economy not avarice. But I still believe that presents are presents and one can make specific requests of close family members, but with everyone else, I say, offer up a registry if you like, but be prepared for people to do what they want.

Cheers,

Elise


posted by Elise at 5:37 PM    <link>

FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW VS. INVITATION INTUITION

Dear Elise,

I have a couple of sticky etiquette questions. We're having a fairly small, informal wedding to which everyone will have to travel to attend.

I sent wedding invitations my mother and my fiance's mother and I included RSVPs cards in both. We made personalized postcards and have been enjoying getting them back with people's comments added. My future mother-in-law is EXTREMELY OFFENDED that we included an RSVP card in her invitation because it's such poor etiquette. According to her, "it is assumed" the mother of the groom will attend the wedding because she is "required" to be there. We meant no offence, but honestly, I and no one else I've asked have ever heard of this being poor wedding etiquette. My own mother says she wouldn't be bothered either way.

Also, we sent invitations to my fiance's great aunts by special request of my future mother-in-law. We knew they are too old to make the trip, but wanted to be respectful. We were just contacted by one great aunt's daughter who may come to the wedding with her daughter. My fiance doesn't know them very well, but it's no big deal if they come.

The problem is, this has opened a whole can of worms with my fiance's mom because she heard that I would like to invite my second cousins to the wedding. She feels my fiance should ask his second cousins too. But the cousins I'm inviting have been so good to my fiance and me since we moved to this city. (We spend Christmas with them; they help out with any questions or problems we've had buying our home.) Whereas, my fiance doesn't even know who his second cousins are. Also, there are plenty of extended family members on my side who I've chosen not to invite in order to keep our numbers down.

I just don't know how to handle either of these situations. Thank-you.

- RSVP Offence?

Dear RSVP,

Only rarely do I genuinely wish for ill winds to blow on people, but laments such as the one your future mother-in-law coughed up make me think that she needs something else to worry about. If she had any actual trouble in her life, receiving an additional piece of paper would not offend, let alone wound deeply.

Does your mother-in-law-to-be fancy herself some kind of stickler for etiquette? If so, she is missing the classic RSVP card pitfall. For the fussiest, most uptight devotees of etiquette (even Miss Manners is one of these), RSVP cards are themselves quite rude. The truly proper response to a wedding invitation is a hand written reply note. So there. You have done nothing wrong, and since RSVP cards themselves have basically become the norm, this isn't even a point worth discussing.

You may need a rejoinder to your future mother-in-law's comments, and I suggest not rising to the occasion. When she complains, just tell her you're sorry she feels that way, and if you must get in a dig you can say that some people like the cards so much they want to keep all the invitation components as a souvenir. Saying that will leave her with the uncomfortable sense that she may have insulted you.

Your invitation question again raises the specter of your future-mother-in-law. If I understand the set-up, she is trying to grab the proverbial mile by insisting that if your second cousins get invited, her son's should be included as well. Clearly this is about power more than etiquette and you and your fiance need to think about how you want to handle this. Generally, it is true, that the safest policy is to invite the same relatives on both the bride's and the groom's sides, but families don't come in standard sizes and there should be some flexibility about this, given that the people in question are unknown to you or your future husband. While you could invite his mysterious second cousins, and assume they won't attend your wedding, you really don't have to include people you don't know just because there is an extended family connection. Your fiance should perhaps sit down with his mother and point out that he was happy to invite the great-aunts at her request, but that he doesn't want to have strangers at his wedding. I would leave this battle to him because it is his family and she seems rather territorial.

You'll get through this sticky patch, I have no doubt, but I would bet my socks that these issues have more to do with your future mother-in-law's discomfort with giving away her son than any real issues of etiquette. Give her attention and coddle her with iron gloves; she doesn't get to win every battle.

Congratulations,

Elise



posted by Elise at 3:23 PM    <link>

SHOWER HORROR

Dear Elise,

We purchased tickets - $70.00 each - to attend a Jack and Jill shower.

My question is: Do we also have to bring a gift to the shower? On the tickets it states: "lots of games, etc." I'm thinking these are money making games where all winnings get turned over to the bride and groom. I'm OK with winning and turning over the prizes. We plan on bringing $200.00 to give-away on this event. But do we also have to bring a present too?

We'd hate to walk in empty handed - except for the cash I'm willing to spend on the games events.

Please advise. Thank you.

- Wallet at the Ready

Dear Wallet at the Ready,

This is one of the occasions where I am glad no one can see me, because the expression on my face is not one I would like anyone to remember. Is this true? Did you actually have to buy tickets to a party that is not some kind of benefit for charity (and a portion of your purchase is tax deductible)? I am appalled. Of course the shower is an unusual breed of party to begin with, because it requires that guests pay a tithe (usually in the form of a present), but this is beyond everything. Is this shower some sort of benefit for the wedding couple? Perhaps this is a regional tradition that I have never heard of, but I must confess, charging for attendance and the insistence on cash games where the proceeds also go to the bride and groom sounds terribly mercenary to me.

The short answer to your question is this: you are under no obligation to provide a present on top of the considerable monetary gifts you are providing. If you are feeling complicated about only giving money (I can understand this sentiment- cash gifts can feel impersonal), you can always bring or send a heartfelt card telling the bride and groom how happy you are for them. And of course if you want to bring a present, you certainly can, though you may want to adjust the amount of money you choose to donate at the shower.

I must say that I think you are stuck in a terrible position. Again, I will try to mediate my opinion with the caveat that perhaps I am reacting strongly to a cultural or regional tradition, but barring this possibility, the parties involved seem rather grasping.

Don't be bullied. Contribute what you can afford and what feels comfortable to you. And here is what I think is a most important bit of advice: avoid conversations with your fellow guests about the amount of cash you gave at all costs. This will only breed guilt and competition and everyone will feel unpleasant afterwards.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this awkward position. I do hope you have a good time.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:09 AM    <link>

FLOWER GIRL FORMALITIES

Hello Elise,

I, alas, also have a child-related question (I hope these are not becoming too monotonous for you).

I was not planning on inviting any children (most of our friends' children are quite small and we are planning an evening affair), but would like to have a flower girl (the daughter of my fiance's good friend who at 8 is a bit older, and whom we spend more time with then the others). Does this violate the rule of having all children or not having any, or would it be exempt from that rule because said child would be included as a part of the wedding, not solely as a guest? I definitely don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

- Flower Girl Concerns

Dear Flower,

Kids are complicated. They are problematic when it comes to the wedding mix because they are unpredictable, untrainable, and like attention. W.C. Fields is credited with cautioning against performing with children and animals for just these reasons (and perhaps a few more). This doesn't mean they can't be tons of fun at weddings, but it does point out why some people prefer to exclude them. You are completely justified in being perplexed.

But you can throw off that mantle of confusion because you're entirely safe. One of the two primary Draconian Rules for Limiting Children at Weddings is to only invite the children who are in the wedding party. It is a completely reasonable, easy to explain, and you're on solid ground.

So don't worry. Have a wonderful wedding. I was a flower girl once and have very clear and fond memories of both the wedding and of losing a tooth during the reception.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:22 AM    <link>

TIMOROUS TIPPER

Dear Elise,

I have a tipping-related question for you - our wonderful caterer has also arranged for waiters and tables and chairs, etc. for our reception. We have three separate contracts for the food, the staff, and the equipment; however the caterer is coordinating the entire event, from set-up to clean-up, and we have complete confidence that she'll do a wonderful job. My question is: should we base her tip on just the cost of the food, or on the cost of the entire reception?

- Confused, Not Cheap

Dear Confused,

Tipping is one of the great mysteries. For those who do it well, tipping is "easy," a simple number scrawled at the bottom of a bill or small, appropriately filled envelope passed to the right person. For the rest of us, this tradition is an sweaty struggle, a welter of calculations and guilt. This is not helped by the fact that tipping practices vary widely according to region and culture, not just personality.

All right, back to practicalities. If you really love your caterer and she did do a lot of extra work and organization, I think you would want to tip her based on a larger bill. (You could, of course, be more arbitrary about how much you give her, but I would only do that if you're maybe that is only the behavior of one of those very confident, very talented tipping types.)

One other tipping issue that comes up with catering is that you should remember to include smaller gratuities for the staff. Again, this is really an honorarium, but it is a nice gesture. Books like Weddings for Dummies often give dollar amounts or percentages of the bill to give (caterers tend to get 15-20% of the food cost; the waitstaff gets 20% of the bill to divide up), but this is also so variable, I hate to give you specific numbers you'll feel compelled to follow, so ignore those suggestions if they don't feel right to you.

So, yes, if your caterer has been fabulous, tip her accordingly and have a wonderful wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:18 PM    <link>

ELOPEMENT'S SIREN SONG

Dear Elise,

My live-in boyfriend and I live in L.A., and, for over a year, we've REALLY wanted to get married all by ourselves in Las Vegas. This is really our dream. We thought we could throw a big post-wedding party much later, when we're ready (maybe one party, maybe a party on each coast).

Our families are happy about the engagement, but horrified about the Vegas idea. They also want to be there when we actually get married (we totally love our families, but we want to be alone). Complicating our plans are the facts that 1) our families live on opposite sides of the country, 2) his parents are strict teetotalers, while my family has never, ever had a party that didn't involve very hearty drinking, and 3) my family is very Roman Catholic, his family is intensely protestant, and my boyfriend and I are atheists (our families don't know we are atheists, but we simply would never get married in a church).

Can we just drive over to Vegas next month and have a fun wedding? (I'd like to hurry up and get on his dental insurance, and we want to at least do it by the end of the year so we can file a joint return for 2004). Can we have two post-wedding parties next summer -- one in CA and one in MA? How do we accommodate both the family that is appalled by drinking and the family that is appalled by sobriety? Do our parents really have to meet? At the reception(s), how do we prevent our religious relatives from making lots of cringe-inducing prayer-filled speeches, as they are inclined to do?

Please help!

- Confused in California

Dear Confused,

Deep, deep, deep are the waters of wedding angst and you've been wading in them for a long time. These are very large issues, beyond etiquette, really. They cut to the hearts of your respective families. Etiquette may help you, but you will not be able to please everyone. Hope for happy compromise, but brace yourselves for tears and threats.

My advice, as usual, is to tell you to take counsel with yourselves and decide what aspects of your wedding are non-negotiable. Surely there are a couple of wedding elements that are more important to you than others: location (Vegas, perhaps), religion (or absence of), dress color, cake flavor, no toasts, etc. Once you and your future husband have decided on the things you will not live without, you are in a position to bargain with your families.

There is nothing wrong with having a Vegas wedding, many people quite close to me have gone this route (some have included family, others have gone solo), and you don't even have to get married by Elvis. There are plenty of perfectly neutral, reasonably kitsch-free ceremonies to be had in Sin City. If this is your dream, embrace it. After all, how often does one get to satisfy one's fondest wishes?

Parents are a constant problem. You'll have to be a little flexible to keep both sets from getting sour and unpleasant, but remember to stick to your guns. If Vegas and religion are non-negotiables, don't be bullied. Do remember that if you maintain these choices that both sets don't care for, you actually are on the higher road. Imagine how much worse it would be if you agreed with the preferences one set over the other.

So, in all things, compromise. If you get the wedding you want, you may have to give a little when it comes to the parties your parents throw after the fact. You can give them the choice to have two separate receptions that can accommodate each family's quirks (religious fervor and all), or you can throw a post wedding party that hopes for the best, where you invite everyone, have booze and non-alcoholic drinks available and you don't allow toasts. Naturally, you can fuss with all these elements to make things bearable, but keep in mind that you'll still need to compromise. All of these choices are reasonable, but only you and your future husband know what your families will or will not accept. (Can his parents tolerate drinking at a party if they abstain? Would your family travel to a party in the West?)

Good luck. Should you go to Vegas, have a blast, and remember to be flexible about some of your parents' wishes. You may squirm in the moment, but momentary discomfort will reward you in the form of a relatively guilt-free future.

Congratulations,

Elise



posted by Elise at 6:46 PM    <link>

NO THROWING

Dear Elise,

We are getting married next July, and we are having a formal Catholic ceremony. The reception will be a nearly diametrically opposite affair; it will be at a state park with a nice hall with a BBQ. For favors, we will have sparklers, and there will be outdoor games, and indoor dancing.

My one major requirement is that my guests have a blast. They are, after all, making the effort to come and sit through a Catholic mass for our sake; they all deserve some fun. However, I am cutting out the bouquet and garter toss because I feel there is nothing worse than watching a bunch of single women scramble for a handful of flowers, and I am not going through the embarrassment of the innuendo-laden garter toss.

What kinds of things can we include in the reception that are fun for the guests that are not distasteful and embarrassing? Every wedding I have ever been to has done the bouquet and garter things. I seriously do not want to fall back to those tired old standbys that really aren’t all that fun. I know this is more of a planning question and not an etiquette question, but I hope you can help.

Thanks,

- Caught Between Tradition and Fun

Dear Caught,

Contemporary wedding traditions do seem to involve a lot of throwing. Garters, flowers, rice, birdseed, confetti, birds (on rare occasions, though I confess I don't care for this practice), and oodles of other sundries get pitched around willy nilly. You are under no obligation to throw anything. I think you know this, but aren't feeling quite comfortable about keeping the chaos to a minimum.

If you ask me- and you did- nothing more is required than what you are offering: a great party with delicious food, dancing and all sorts of memorable touches. Many brides skip the bouquet toss either for the reasons you mention or they want to keep the flowers for themselves or give them to someone significant. As for the garter toss, perhaps it says more about me than about the world, but I have never attended a wedding that availed itself of this tradition. You really don't need to concern yourself with replacing these games; they won't be desperately missed.

Now, if you are not reassured and really want to substitute some new group activities, you may find help in the Kvetch annals. Study the topic called The Bouquet Toss… And other Antiquated Traditions. You might find the additional help you seek.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:50 PM    <link>

THE FINE ART OF SEATING

Dear Elise,

I'm doing seating arrangements for my small (45 person) brunch wedding reception. It's in a small restaurant and there will be 5 rectangular tables set up in rows. (The tables are restaurant tables for two, put together to make larger configurations with a max of 12.)). The two family tables have 10 people each, my table is 8 (maid of honor/best man etc), and we're leaving four spaces at our table for people to "visit".

My problem is with the 2 "friends" tables. One has 11 people (mostly close work related friends who all know each other). The other table has three couples, (only two of the people know each other). It feels unbalanced, like it is a "leftovers" table, but really they don't fit anywhere else. I could conceivably pull one couple off the 11-person table and put them at the other table, but they would not really know anyone. (the tables would wind up having, in order, 11, 6, 10, 8, 10) .

The other issue is that the two "friends" tables will be next to each other, because our table has to be in between the two "family" tables, to avoid any squabbling about who gets to sit next to our table. What's the best way to do this? Can I leave the 6-person table as is, without offending anyone? Confused? I am!

Thank you!

-Musical Chairs

Dear Musical,

Seating for wedding receptions requires cold blood and a strong spine, so you have my sympathies. I think, however, that you're doing yourself a great disservice in the way you've imagined your reception seating.

Nowhere does it say that people at weddings need to know one another well or at all to be seated at the same table. Traditionally, weddings have been terrific ways to get friends to meet, to make introductions, and expand circles of acquaintance. In this case, why do you want to tamper with tradition? Do you know that everyone will despise one another if these circles merge a little bit? If not, consider letting your worlds collide.

As I wrote in an earlier column ("Musical Chairs– or– Seating Stroppiness," 5.19.2004), your guests will be more comfortable with balanced tables. The best way to do this is to take a few people from each group and place them together at each table. That way, everyone will know a couple of people and will still be able to mingle lightly. I think you will find it makes a lot more sense. No one will feel stuck at the "dud" or "I don't know what to do with these people" table, and there is a chance everyone will get along swimmingly. It is really much less risky than you think it is, and letting families and friends blend is very much in keeping with the nuptial spirits.

And now another word of caution to all of you out there who like to swap place cards at weddings: don't be naughty. People, as you can see above, sweat and wring their hands over seating charts. Brides and grooms find themselves asking for advice and comments when they vowed they would never ask for any such things ever again. Perhaps they were hoping you'd meet someone or could help a shy person loosen up. Maybe you were a buffer for some socially delicate situation you didn't know about. Who knows? Recently, I attended a wedding where the bride was quite upset to discover her own relatives had redone her seating during the cocktail hour, which created some table confusion and discomfort.

Reception seats are not prisons. You can always get up and chat or frolic. If you are not immediately beside your significant other, chances are, s/he is within eyesight. Being separated can even be rather pleasurable since there is the delight of collecting stories and gossip for the post-wedding post-mortem on way home.

Open yourself up to new possibilities of seating and meeting. Letting interesting people meet each other is always more intriguing than encouraging old friends to resume their daily dialogue.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:29 PM    <link>

STATIONERY STRUGGLES

Hi Elise,

My question is about thank you cards. My lovely friend works for a stationers, and has offered to help us with our "new" social stationery, since I'm planning on changing my name, which I want to use for our wedding thank-yous. I know that folks send gifts before the wedding (particularly some farther-out family who may not make the trip), but I don't know how to handle thank-you notes for gifts sent before the Special Event. We're leaving for our honeymoon just a day after the wedding, and I want folks to rest assured that their gift arrived. How bizarre is it to receive a card from Mr and Mrs First Last, when the Blessed Day has still yet to happen, and the girl writing the card is still a "Miss"?

I know prompt thank-yous are the way to go, but I don't want it to be "weird", either. It's a card early, or a card at best 3.5 weeks later. Help!

Thanks,

Thanker

Dear Thanker,

Someone, and it may have been Martha Stewart, but don't hold me to that, came up with a thank you note "concept" that involved a photograph of the wedding couple holding up a big "Thank You" sign. This picture was (naturally) taken at the wedding itself and then incorporated into stationary. The problem with this idea is, of course, that it takes weeks for wedding photographers to process photos and even longer to get the stationary together, leaving all the thank you notes to pile up and create one big blob of post-nuptial guilt. Lots of people jumped on this stationery idea and created enormous "thank you" backlogs for themselves. Don't fall into this trap.

The solution is to relax your feelings about stationery. Your friends and family (one hopes) will not be comparing the cards you send them, so you will be absolutely safe if you arm yourself with some neutral stationery at the same time as you order your new cards with your married name. This will provide some flexibility for you, and blank stationery always comes in handy for informal notes or cards for presents.

There is nothing offensive about sending cards with your married name out early, but it is the kind of thing that people may decide to comment on, and unless you want to have that discussion, you may as well keep your new name in reserve. Having said that, you are right to want to send out your thank you notes quickly. Those things pile up and what starts as a little chore becomes completely overwhelming in no time. Consider this stationery transition as just another part of the wedding process. Many people start wearing wedding rings, some change their notecards as well.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:47 AM    <link>

POTENTIAL PARTY PROBLEMS

Dear Elise,

The hypothetical guest list for our upcoming wedding has been getting completely out of hand. It is shaping up to be exactly the type of event that we want to avoid, and the only way to remedy the problem without causing major feuds is to limit the guest list to immediate family (and aunts and uncles), a few close family friends from each side, and to limit our personal friends to the bridal party.

This leaves out a large number of our wonderful friends, so we decided to have a party just for them, tentatively scheduled for the week before the wedding. These friends are fun and laid-back, and I don't think we would be offending any of them. In fact, I suspect some of them might prefer a casual cocktail party to the outdoor garden wedding that we are planning.

How should we word the invitations to cause the least amount of confusion? I think that we should somehow make it clear that this isn't an invitation to the actual wedding, but if we word it something like "HisName and MyName invite you to their pre-wedding celebration party..." I fear that people might automatically assume that they will be invited to the wedding as well, and hurt when they aren't. So far the best idea I've come up with is to word the card as best as we can, which still might end up being ambiguous, and ask a few key to spread the word. Does this make sense?

Also, we have a small number of religious, non-drinking friends. These are open-minded people, and I don't think they would be particularly judgemental of our cocktail party, but I think they might be more comfortable at the wedding. Part of me thinks it would be most sensible to invite them to the wedding, but that throws off the inclusion/exclusion criteria, which was designed to upset as few people as possible. For example, we probably won't invite adult cousins (we have a lot, they all have partners, and we barely know any of them), and I already predict that this could create tension. If we start inviting friends who aren't in the wedding party, I think that the parents of the cousins might take offense at the exclusion of their children, since we can no longer claim "tiny, intimate wedding". What do you think?

Thanks so much for any advice.

- Manic Over Guest Lists

Dear Manic,

Through no fault of your own, you've fallen into the quicksand that is guest list management, and you have my sympathies. Extracting oneself is very tricky. You have a good plan, though, and it can rescue you.

Is there some reason you want to have your non-wedding party for friends before your actual wedding? I ask because while it is not uncommon at all for people to have post-wedding parties for people who did not attend the nuptials (see IndieEtiquette columns from 1.15.2004 "Eloping 101" and "Belated Reception" from 2.29.2004), most pre-wedding parties include the wedding guests. You can automatically save yourself a lot of confusion by having your party after your wedding or even after your honeymoon. The wording for a post-wedding party invitation is relatively simple and would combine the text from a standard announcement with a party invitation.

Your Name and Your Husband's Name
Were married on
Date
Place

Please join us for a celebration
Date
Time
Place

If you are sold on having your wedding after the party, you may want to be less literal about your invitation and just call the party a "Wedding Celebration" and explain at the event (in a toast, for instance) that your actual wedding is going to be tiny and intimate but you wanted to celebrate with all your friends. Whatever you do, do not count on word of mouth to convey anything delicate like this. You've played the "Telephone" game. You know what happens, even when people have the best intentions.

Your second question gets you into sticky territory because you're suggesting that you're inclined to shape your guest lists according to which kind of event people would prefer to attend. This is rarely a wise path to take. If you are going to have the two separate parties, a choice that is completely legitimate and sanity-preserving, you will do yourself a favor by preserving the draconian guest list divisions. Even if your friends don't drink, they should be happy to attend your evening party. You certainly aren't going to be standing at the door with ladlefuls of bourbon-laced punch, demanding that people imbibe before entering (or are you?), and they have surely been to parties where alcohol has been served before. It is only your obligation to be gracious. You don't have to create events to suit every taste or proclivity.

Of paramount importance is that you and your future husband enjoy yourselves. So, set your rules, stick to them, have a wonderful time and that will go far towards your guests having a blast themselves.

Congratulations,

Elise



posted by Elise at 1:46 PM    <link>

REHEARSAL QUERY

Hi Elise,

As a result of wedding stress overload, my fiance and I have decided to hire a wedding planner to take over and orchestrate the last minute details of our rehearsal and wedding, which is a few weeks away. Should she be invited to attend the rehearsal dinner after the rehearsal?

Thanks,

- Wedding Impending

Dear Wedding Impending,

You are to be commended on knowing when enough is enough and not feeling bad about seeking help. All kinds of fury and frustration can be avoided – in all things, not just wedding planning – by realizing that, often, one can not do everything one one's own, and there is nothing wrong with admitting it. The person who is happy and sane will always have the last laugh over the martyrs.

As you probably know, the standard guest list for rehearsal dinners includes: the wedding party, the wedding couple's immediate families, the officiant (if he or she is a good friend or has traveled for the wedding), and sometimes relatives who have come in from out of town. If money and space permit, people also like to include out-of-town friends. Deviation from this list won't get you into hot water or make you weird.

You are under no obligation at all to invite your wedding planner to the rehearsal dinner, though if you want to include him or her, an invitation to something that is traditionally a family affair is always flattering. Keep in mind that she or he may be too busy preparing for the wedding the next day to take time out for it.

Bravo again on knowing your limitations.

Congratulations,

Elise



posted by Elise at 3:46 PM    <link>

Home | IndieEtiquette | Kvetch | Links | IndieMom | Books | Essays | Interviews | Columns
Our Vow | Trousseau | Indieblog

Contact us | Press | Submissions | Email updates

Copyright 2008 Indiebride.com
Reproduction of material from any Indiebride pages without written permission is strictly prohibited.