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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

GUEST MESS: PARENTS WANT HIM / BRIDE DOESN'T

Dear Elise,

My parents are paying for our wedding, and they want to invite my father's former Naval Academy classmates. The only problem is, one of them pursued me as a romantic suitor when I was in college a decade ago, which I thought was creepy. I feel uncomfortable having him there, but my parents think it is rude to exclude only him among a tight group of my dad's classmates. What is the etiquette here?

- Grown Up Now

Dear Grown Up,

Guest list compromise is always uncomfortable. It doesn't matter who pays for the wedding, brides and grooms frequently end up having to include people they neither know well, nor cherish as a favor to their families. Your scenario is unusual, though, and I suspect from the brevity of your letter that you haven't even begun to describe how complicated it is.

Ask yourself some questions. Was the man who pursued you abusive or sinister? Beyond being creeped out, did you feel compromised in any way? How did your parents react when they heard about this guy's behavior? Do you think he would actually attend if he were invited?

This all happened quite a long time ago, and perhaps your family is assuming that the air has cleared and you've all moved on. It is an unsettling relationship, given the age difference and the fact that this man is your father's friend. (I have nothing against March-December relationships- had one once myself- but relationships with family friends inevitably carry a whiff of the 19th century novel about them.)

Decide whether your instinct to exclude this man comes from a desire to avoid awkwardness or an inclination toward self-preservation. If it is the latter, then you should speak to your parents about how the prospect of inviting this man actually frightens and troubles you. If you are just afraid of some discomfort, consider including this guy. You've moved on, are happy and confident, and this generous gesture would make your parents happy. You have nothing to fear and if he misbehaves, he is the one who will look bad-- in front of you and all of his Naval Academy friends.

I'm sorry you have to wrestle with this. Figuring out your bottom line will go a long way towards letting you know whether you should compromise with your parents, or let them know that this is a bigger deal than perhaps they realize.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 1:38 PM    <link>

BACK - From the City of Lights

Please forgive the brief haitus. I took my summer vacation as a five day frolic, but now am back and sharper than ever.

So, to business:


BRIDESMAIDLAND... HOW TO QUIT

Hi Elise,

My roommate and I are both bridesmaids in a wedding next summer. Recently, while out drinking, the fiance groped me. What's worse, he denies the incident ever occurred, got the bride-to-be involved and both are saying I fabricated the entire story.

We've both felt for some time that we were too hasty in accepting their offer to be in the wedding and after this incident we know for certain that we would be hypocrites if we were to remain in the wedding party.

The question is how we should tell them that we want to drop out of the wedding (and most certainly the friendship). Since we are both in the wedding, it seems silly to each make separate phone calls but sending an e-mail or a note seems far too insensitive. Given the situation, we don’t want to have a face-to-face discussion about this.

Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this gracefully?

- Mutinous Bridesmaid

Dear Mutinous,

Loyalty is, of course, one of the defining qualities of friendship, but loyalty can be carried too far, and in this case case, you and your roommate may need to retrench a little bit.

It is utterly, utterly lousy that your friend's fiance groped you, and still more unpleasant that he won't apologize and be done with it, and that your friend, the bride won't deal with this problem at all. Still, even if you are furious and even if your roommate wants to stick by you, you should handle this problem as individuals and not quit as a unit. If you create the appearance of ganging up on your mutual friend, you'll distract from the real crimes: the groom to be's groping you and the wedding couple's mistreatment of you. The last thing you want to do is create a situation in which the bride can feel sorry for herself because her friends turned on her, rather than having to face the consequences of her (and her future husband's) behavior. Each of you should deal with the bride on your own.

There is nothing wrong with quitting, and it's smart to do it sooner than later. This way, the bride will have plenty of time to re-imagine her wedding party and, one hopes, rethink the events of that unfortunate evening. Having said that, I agree that sending an email is rather chilly. For something as potentially damaging as this communication, I think you will want to treat it with respect and delicacy. An actual letter may seem formal, but it shows how much you care about this issue and won't come off as casual or cold, the way email does. You can also certainly call your friend and talk to her about your decision. Again, what you want to do is not appear callous or do anything hurtful, but let her know how you feel and that you simply can't continue on as her bridesmaid. When you consider it, think about how you would like to hear this news. Would you prefer for it to come in the mail or would you rather be able to talk to someone? Neither you nor your roommate will want your decisions to spark further arguments with the bride, and the best way to do that is to be calm, reasonable, and firm.

Good luck. I am sorry this happened to you.

Cheers,

Elise


posted by Elise at 10:25 AM    <link>

PARTY - NO CEREMONY

Dear Elise,

My beau and I are fairly extroverted people whose jobs require us to know and be "in-the-know," but we want our wedding to be just for us. This is his second marriage and my first and neither of us really wants to put our ceremony on a "stage." We want to go to Mexico, get married, and lie around on the beach for a couple of weeks.

We do, however, want to share this with our friends and families. We both have large families, and have many close friends. So, is it acceptable to go off and elope (and have the privacy we crave for our special day), come back, announce our union and then about 6 weeks later throw a large party to celebrate?

Should I treat this like a typical reception? We were leaning towards not doing this. Since it is not a typical wedding we were thinking of renting out an art gallery for cocktails, tapas and a house DJ. I really have no interest in having a first dance, throwing a bouquet or having a "garter scene". Or should we be more traditional?

Finally, what is the most tasteful way to announce? Obviously no one will know when we get married. How do we announce the marriage without insulting people or looking like gift "whores."

Thanks so much for your time,

- Dichotomous Bride

Dear Dichotomous,

Has someone been whispering bad things in your ear? I hope not, because while it almost never happens that wedding angst is unfounded, in your case, you really don't have much to worry about. Weddings take so many forms that it is unlikely people, with the possible exception of family, will be so deeply surprised by your decision that they would have any problem with your plan. Given how often people elope, have destination weddings, or need to have a party in a town other than the one where the ceremony happened, you should not at all feel you are being weird or bucking the system.

As for the mechanics of things, it is really up to you how much you want your party to resemble a wedding reception. Even people who opt for more traditional weddings skip the bouquet and garter throws (see the "No Throwing" column from 8.11.2004), and the first dance is also expendable. These bits of business are just details, and only real obsessives would miss them enough to complain. On the other hand, if you're wondering whether you'll regret not doing the throwing and dancing, I doubt you'll feel much remorse. If these things feel like just so much rigmarole to you, it is unlikely you'll miss them.

Pavlov's bells have nothing on wedding announcements as far as presents go. Once you let people know you got married, it's all over. People won't think you're grabbing for presents, especially if you invite them to your party. Think of it this way: your wedding is good news and people will not only be happy for you, they'll be happy to celebrate with you. If anyone makes a peep about "gift grabbing," you won't be the one looking like a sourpuss. The only thing to do is to take a tip from guilt-wielding mothers everywhere and say: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I was just hoping you would come and be happy with us."

Be direct and jolly in your party invitation. You have nothing to worry about.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 7:51 PM    <link>

DIFFICULT DAD

Elise,

My father and I haven't been close since I was a little girl, in great part because he's a Pentecostal minister. I am pagan and my prospective spouse is female. The rest of my family loves her and is incredibly supportive (my mom and bro are even writing an extremely silly song for our upcoming engagement party).

I didn't even think the dad issue would come up. He's talked to me fewer than 10 times since I came out to him when I was fifteen (about 10 years ago), until two months ago when we started talking about once a week. So far the conversations have been fairly impersonal and carefully orchestrated but I want to tell him my exciting news. I also know that if I don't tell him I'm getting married that will mean the end of any chance of having a substantial relationship with him. The sad thing is that - bigot or not - I still miss him. I want him to be a part of my life. I also don't want to have to get the wedding party to gag him when we're doing the vows. We're still saving for the wedding stage so it might be a while. Do you have any ideas on how to break it to him slowly/gently? Or should I invite him at all?

- Anxious Daughter

Dear Anxious,

Your worry is beyond reasonable, and it is natural that you would want to be close to your father, in spite of his religious beliefs. Even though your question isn't strictly about etiquette, I can see how etiquette can offer you some help and solace.

There will be no good way to break the news to him, so you have to realize the outcome is beyond your control. He is your father, of course, but you are also hoping he will be an honored wedding guest. Keep in mind that as a guest, he does not get to dictate the terms of his presence to you. This gives you some power. If he tries to exert control, you must be firm about sticking to your guns.

So, how do you tell him the news? Treat your father as if he were a small child. Don't ambush him with the news or make him feel as if your wedding choices are at all a rebellion. If you let him know that you respect the likelihood that he is not going to agree with your choices, but that you still want him to share in your happiness, it will be more difficult for him to be a monster than if you just blurted everything out in a way that might make him feel defensive (not that this would be your intent at all, but he is like a little kid, remember).

Back in May, I wrote a column called "Fear of a Red Dress" (5.13.2004) in which someone asked if she should surprise her family with her red wedding dress or warn them of her choice. Since there were indications that her folks would feel the dress was inappropriate, springing it on them seemed most unwise. This comparison is not frivolous. As in your scenario, I advised the bride-to-be to be firm but respectful and apprise her relatives of her decision in advance.

The rest is up to your father. You can't change his beliefs, so you'll have to hope that his feelings for his daughter can be kept distinct from his religion. No time is the right time to break the news to him, so you can wait until you have a date set, or you can tell him right away. If you're gentle and respectful with him, as difficult as that is, you've done the best you can. This could bring you two closer, but know that if he can't handle your choices, then it's his problem to resolve.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:16 AM    <link>

Confidential: To Why Isn't Being Engaged Fun?

Congratulations. It isn't so much that being engaged isn't pleasurable, it's that with engagement comes chores and planning and negotiations. Your seas appear pretty calm: no one is trying to talk you out of the wedding you want, and someone is already offering to throw you a party. But, the devil, as they say, is in the details.

Wedding parties, particularly ones that take place several months apart, really don't have to be a matched set. Each is so distinct and the parties serve such different purposes that I can't imagine they will even invite comparison.

In the interests of peace, I'd set your fears, however legitimate, aside. Any party that is not your wedding is just something for you to enjoy. You'll be a guest and no one will hold you responsible for anything.

I'm not consciously trying to reference any sort of Zen manifesto, but occasionally one must sacrifice control in order to gain it.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:07 PM    <link>

REGISTRY COLLAPSE

Hi Elise -

My husband and I got married at the end of June, and left for India a few days afterwards for our honeymoon. While we were gone, we had asked UPS to hold all of our packages, anticipating that we would receive a few gifts during the month we were gone. During that same month, Kitchen Etc, where we were registered, went bankrupt and closed their doors for good.

Unfortunately, when we got home, we had 2 notices from UPS that they had tried to deliver packages to us but since we weren't home, the packages got returned to Kitchen Etc. When we called UPS, they acknowledged that it was their mistake not to have held the packages, but after repeated phone calls to Kitchen Etc. to try to get some help, we have not been able to reach anyone.

Our quandary is this - we don't know who purchased the gifts, and therefore can't acknowledge them, or if the gift givers were credited back the money they spent on the gift. The fact that we don' t have the gifts is not an issue for us, but we are concerned that a few of our guests sent us gifts which we haven't acknowledged.

We are interested in hearing your advice on handling this - should we send out a gently worded email to the guests from whom we haven't received gifts, telling them that some packages were returned and asking them if they sent a gift but haven't received thank you notes from us yet? And once we figure out who sent the gifts, should we send a thank you note to them even though we never received the gift? Or should we just let it go and hope that someday we'll figure it out and can talk to the gift givers and explain?

Please advise us - we want to do the polite and right thing but aren't sure how to do it!

Thanks.

- Registry Gone Bust

Dear RGB,

I truly hate these corporate nightmares. This is the kind of scenario that can bring on a migraine more painful than the one you get from a week without coffee. It combines wedding etiquette tension with large, inefficient, often incompetent institutions and creates a really hideous mood- in someone of my temperament, at least.

Practically, you've taken good steps. I think you should continue to research Kitchen Etc. to see if they have a web site that perhaps lists a parent company that could help you. Did you register online? If so, can you access your registry and see what was purchased? You may be able to find out what was sent through some Internet detective work. Definitely get back in touch with the treacherous UPS and see if you can get the tracking numbers, and then names and addresses for the packages that went missing. They should absolutely have a record, and if they seem sluggish about coughing up information, keep demanding to talk to supervisors. They did make a big mistake after all.

Now, etiquette-wise, what can you do about your guests? I think a gracious, delicate email or note saying that your registry has gone belly-up and that if they shopped at Kitchen Etc. they should get in touch with you to make sure the present got to you. If you never actually received the present, your guests would probably prefer a refund to a thank you note, though of course it would be nice to let them know how grateful you are that they thought of you.

Fundamentally, you're completely correct in your approach. Being direct, personable, and gracious in the face of absurd bureaucracies is admirable, and your guests will want to know what happened to the presents they sent- or tried to send.

Congratulations and good hunting,

Elise


posted by Elise at 1:20 PM    <link>

REHEARSAL RESPONSIBILITY

Dear Elise,

We're having 30 guests at our wedding in Orlando, most of whom will have to travel. With such a small guest list, I assumed that everyone would be invited to the rehearsal dinner the night before.

My future in-laws are dear people-- dear people with whom I have nothing in common. When I brought up the topic of the rehearsal dinner, they started making jokes about McDonalds and Hooters. My future mother-in-law later shared that she assumed the rehearsal dinner is just for parents and no one else.

They don't care much about food, they're very frugal, and they *just* spent thousands of dollars on an engagement party for us. I don't want to pressure the relationship. But my mother was horrified when I suggested we have a small casual dinner early on Friday. She says we *have* to host something for the folks on our side, which means it will have to come out of our personal wedding account, and we're trying to save to move cross-country.

And now I feel as if no matter what I do, some will be offended. If my future husband and I host a rehearsal dinner, then it will make his family look cheap in front of my family.

Please, please, please advise!

- Dinner Demands

Dear Dinner Demands,

Just when you thought the planning was over, the rehearsal dinner rears its little head and now you have to start figuring out organization and finances all over again.

As you suspect, the rehearsal dinner "traditionally" is the responsibility of the groom's family, but I should point out that the engagement party "traditionally" falls to the bride's family (although there are no rules, and engagement bashes are often thrown by friends of the bride and groom). In taking care of the engagement party, your fiance's parents may feel as if they've entertained enough.

You should know that there are absolutely no rules for rehearsal parties. They can be thrown in restaurants, parks, homes, backyards, bowling alleys, you name it; everything is permitted. So the first thing I think you need to do is come clean to your mother about your financial limitations and those of your future in-laws. There is no shame in maintaining a personal budget. You have nothing to prove.

You may have noticed that I avoided using the word "dinner" in the paragraph above. Dinner is not required, particularly if people are in a town where tasty restaurants are handy. One solution I have mentioned before (see "Rehearsal Fracas," 5.16.2004) is the rehearsal cocktail party. Serve finger food and a small selection of drinks and you'll give everyone a chance to mingle, without overextending yourself. If you take this route (and I speak from personal experience, having hosted exactly this kind of event in early July), I recommend preparing a list of interesting restaurants your guests may want to try after your party. If you don't want to give up dinner, you could find a reasonably priced ethnic restaurant; it may be more economical than a traditional multi-course American menu. These solutions may not be what your mother had in mind, but she won't be the first mother of the bride who has had to compromise on something.

The trick is not to lose track of the point of the party: to let your guests see you and each other before the wedding. The possibilities are extensive, so don't let past experience or so-called "tradition" force you into making expensive choices. Be as creative as you like and remember, people are less likely to remember what they ate than the pleasure of your company, and your comfort is more important than appearances.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:31 PM    <link>

BRIDESMAIDS AND MONEY SOON PARTED, PART 1

Dear Elise,

My friend from college is getting married, and I'm one of her bridesmaids; the other maids and maid of honor are from her hometown. I was informed (another bridesmaid left a message on my cell phone about six weeks before the wedding) that I would have to pay $150 for a surprise shower for the bride. The place was already booked, and I was not asked about what I wanted to do or what I could contribute. I tried calling the maid of honor, but she was unavailable for at least two weeks, and was unable to return my calls.

I got stressed out about this shower. I did not think I would have the money to contribute in time. Finally, the maid of honor sent a mass email out (perhaps three weeks or a month before the shower) explaining the dues of the shower ($200), and what it was all for. She was very nice in her email, and explained that she was open for suggestions. I decided to 'reply all' to the email and pose some suggestions for saving some money. I received a friendly response from the maid of honor, but an unfriendly one from one of the bridesmaids. I have just graduated from college, just moved to an expensive area, and have just started a new job. I was afraid there would be no way for me to pay for the shower. Now my situation in the bridal party is awkward. I don't want the bride to know my situation and cause her more stress. What should I do?

- Confused Bridesmaid

Dear Confused,

Money is one the most painful parts of being a bridesmaid (though I haven't forgotten the touchy topic of the dress). Unless the bride is lucky enough to have selected a bridal party from a group where everyone has the same financial wherewithal, there is bound to be discomfort. This strays from etiquette and into the realm of practicality, but organizers really should get a sense of what the bridesmaids can comfortably contribute to showers before bulldozing ahead with plans.

But that little pearl is coming to you more than a day late. In this situation, I think the best approach is to be direct. It won't necessarily spare you any unpleasantness, but you will at least be on record for having made your needs and limitations known. To do this, figure out how much you can comfortably spend on this wedding (not just the shower, but take the dress, shoes, transportation, etc. into account as well) and then tell the maid of honor exactly where you stand. The best you can do for yourself and the wedding is to be clear about what you can afford and not let yourself be bullied into spending more. You could offer to do some chores to make up the difference (addressing envelopes, decorating the room, running errands), but there is no shame in not being able to afford something or in making suggestions about how to economize to save everyone money.

I've been hearing a lot about crazy bridesmaid expenses lately and I have to assume that people just don't realize how quickly costs pile up. Unless the bridesmaids actively get catty or otherwise make your miserable, I don't think it is necessary to involve the bride. This is, sadly, your battle to fight and since the shower is a surprise, spilling the details will just turn up the heat you're already feeling.

You have my sympathy. Money makes everything more emotional and once the issue presents itself, it is devilishly tricky to banish it, but being honest, setting limits and offering to help in non-financial ways could go a long way to mollifying the ire of your fellow maids.

Good luck, good hunting.

Cheers,
Elise



posted by Elise at 3:40 PM    <link>

BIZARRO WEDDING

Dear Elise,

I enjoy reading your advice and look forward to your take on my letter.

A friend of mine is getting married in a few weeks. He and his fiancee have decided to invite all their friends and family to a large reception, followed by a very small ceremony-- two days afterwards.

Is this common? I know of many people who have had small, private ceremonies followed by large receptions, but this is the first time I've seen the two events reversed. I see nothing wrong with having a gathering of friends before the main event; however, this is a full-blown reception with a wedding cake, wedding favors, and most confusingly, a "first dance." (First dance as what? I lose sleep trying to figure out how they're going to be introduced.) Gifts are expected, as the couple has several well-advertised and often-mentioned registry lists. This party feels more like a bridal shower than a reception-- and the majority of the reception guests are not invited to the subsequent ceremony.

Considering that it is rude to invite someone to your bridal shower but not your wedding, do you think what they are doing is rude to their reception-only guests? As one of those guests, I feel like a B-List friend. I am happy to be celebrating the couple's forthcoming nuptials with them, but I feel gypped that I wasn't deemed worthy of an invitation to the ceremony. Should I just be happy that I was invited to the party beforehand?

Thanks,

The Honor of Your Presents is Requested

Dear Honor,

Indeed, you must feel a little like Alice (in Wonderland) when, during the Knave of Hearts's trial, the Red Queen begins calling for the "Sentence first—verdict afterwards." Having the party before the wedding is not a choice most couples make, and I recently advised against it (see the 8.4.2004 column "Potential Party Problems"). Still, here you are, faced with a weird reception situation.

No. I don't think your friend was wise, but he isn't the one writing, so I won't say anything more on protocol or bad ideas. What bothers you most about this, the topsy-turvy order of these nuptials, or your understandable feeling of being, as you say, a "B-list friend?"

Having an "intimate" ceremony followed by a big reception is not uncommon or especially modern. I have even found mention of it in the rather austere Social Etiquette of New York from 1885. (This is another subject, but if you think you have been sorely used, consider the 19th century suggestion that married couples weed through their friends and not invite those they don't consider worthy or useful. "Only such persons are invited as the young people choose to keep as friends, or perhaps only those whom they can afford to retain. It is an easy and sensible opportunity for carefully rearranging one's social list, because there are limitations to hospitality which are frequently more necessary than agreeable." Cutthroat times, to be sure.) None of the above is my personal style; I prefer something more inclusive, but the little wedding/big reception is a legitimate choice that often has practical origins (small place of worship, weird officiant hours, etc.).

Of course, you can't control the way you feel, and your disappointment is legitimate, but you have choices. You mention that it is rude to invite people to showers who won't be invited to the wedding. This is because showers are parties that require presents. In spite of the fact that it is the norm, it is not mandatory to give wedding presents. So you are free to attend the wedding or not, give a present, a congratulatory card, or nothing at all. You can also ask your friends (perhaps after the honeymoon) about their weird decisions. Whatever you do, enjoy yourself, and if you need a bright side to look upon, you can be glad in a busy season that you don't have an extra event on your appointment calendar.

Cheers and good hunting,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:30 PM    <link>

INVITATION BULLIES

Dear Elise,

Our wedding is in nine months and my fiance and I are trying to keep the guest list under 150 people. We both have huge families, so this leaves us able to invite about 25 friends, which is fine with us. In his case, many of his closest friends are coworkers. In my case, they are not. So we have two problems. First, he is planning on inviting some of his coworkers, but not all of them. Even though it's large office, the last 3 people getting married have invited absolutely everyone, so this is what was expected of us. This is not only impossible, and not what we want, but it's causing him no end of grief at work.

I dislike my job greatly, and hope to have have found a new one before then. I work for a small business, and I only get along with one coworker (who doesn't expect to be invited), and do not get along well with either of my bosses, or the 2 other women who work there. Seeing as I only know them professionally, and there is no love lost among us, I was surprised to hear them discussing a dress the one had found that would be "Perfect to wear to [my] wedding!" Unfortunately, one of the women also knows a friend of my fiance's and learned that the invites went out, with not a one to any of them. They confronted me and my response was along the lines of: "I don't like you. You don't like me. And you think I'm inviting you to my wedding when I'm only inviting 12 friends?" They admitted that, no, we weren't bosom buddies, but seeing as we worked together, this was still terribly rude.

Are we being rude? If not, how do we deal with this situation?

- Coworker Clash

Dear Coworker Clash,

Well, you haven't made things easier on yourselves. Planning a wedding bears some resemblance to going into battle (albeit a happy one), and in war, one is always best off keeping one's strategies to oneself. If you were playing poker with your coworkers, you wouldn't show them your hand. Why, then, in a real-life situation, would you drop your poker face and let everyone know what you are up to?

Your discomfort does not come at all from your decision to limit the number of coworkers you invite, or your choice to have a wedding of a reasonable size; it was born out of your conversations with your coworkers. Why did your fiance not caution the friends he did invite to be discreet, since he was inviting only three people out of an entire office? Why did you tell your coworkers you don't care for them? To put all the "why-didn't-you-invite-us" whining to bed in one shot, the best reply is to trot out this old saw: "We're having a small wedding and couldn't invite everyone." No one can argue with that, whereas you left yourself vulnerable to your coworkers' arguments.

In being open with these women about how you don't like each other, you were being admirably frank, but in doing so, you backed yourself into a corner. Now you must continue to work with these people you rejected and, having voiced your distaste, you have brought the personal into a professional realm. You weren't at all rude not to invite them, but you gave them an opportunity to act superior about your decision, and they jumped on it. Now that there's the possibility for increased sensitivity or resentment, try to avoid talking too much about the details of your wedding around your coworkers and see if the subject can just evaporate.

We live, sadly, in "tell-all" times, and the pity of it is that, because we know so much about all of our acquaintances, we forget that there is power in keeping one's counsel. Should you get prodded again, try the Small Wedding line and let everything else be your (and your fiance's) secret.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:47 AM    <link>

FUTURE IN-LAW FRUSTRATION

Hi Elise:

My wedding is the 25th of September, and I have never wanted to run away more in my life. I knew that wedding planning was going to be difficult at times, but it is a wedding plan from hell thanks to my mother-in-law-to-be. She is extremely controlling.

This woman told me who my flower girl was going to be after I had already asked my cousin's daughter who is coming in from Ireland. Then she and her husband threw a hissy fit and threatened not to come to the wedding because a couple of years ago they promised this kid, who is 5, that she would be her uncle's flower girl. I know I could have two flower girls, but that's not the point, their grandson is the page boy and both families were equally represented. Now I've done away with both the flower girl and page boy and my daughter will play both roles somehow.

More recently I annoyed my fiance's mother because I told her I don't want kids at the very formal and expensive reception. The children in question are not well behaved. I suggested that they get a sitter and let the parents have a good time but everyone is making a huge deal out of it.

At my bridal shower, two of my fiance's relatives replied to attend, and five showed up. One was the wannabe flower girl. She behaved terribly and both my future mother-in-law and future sister-in-law didn't discipline her at all. Now I am ready to run away because I am fed up. I don't want their money I don't care if they even come. They have created so many problems that there is no longer any joy in this wedding and I don't know what to do. Any advice to help me with this woman who wants to be the centre of attention and control my wedding day would be greatly appreciated. I'm at my wits end.

PS: I think she is going to spoil my wedding just to spite me and I'm scared!

Thanks,

- Losing Sleep Again

Dear Losing Sleep,

It bears mentioning that dealings with mothers-in-law (future and present) often extend beyond the parameters of etiquette and tangle with the more delicate systems of Family. Your central problem is not one of manners but of temper.

Still, etiquette may help you mitigate the way your future mother-in-law affects you. As irritating as she is, you're still going to have to deal with long after the last of the champagne has been scarfed down. She will be part of your extended family. But you know this; that's why you wrote in.

So, what to do? It could be painful, given how angry you are, but I think you should try a two-pronged system for handling your fiance's mother. First, decide on the parts of your wedding (and afterwards, your life) on which you simply can't compromise and stick to your guns, then let her have some leeway with the elements you care less about. You'll have to grit your teeth through this, I know, because at this point, you're probably more in the mood to smash her face in the cake than let her decide what flavor it should be. But why, especially if you're worried about her behavior at your wedding, give her an excuse to act badly if you can let her have her way with something that really isn't so important to you? Which is worse for you to deal with: the fight about the extra flower girl and having to abolish the position altogether or having two flower girls and being done with it? Only you can answer this, but there are sure to be some areas in which you feel flexible.

Second, is your fiance is aware of his mother's behavior? Now this is a good time to get him to help manage her. Really, he shouldn't just let the two of you have at each other without any negotiation. Let him field her requests and keep him apprised of her antics.

Short of murder, which is not only rude, but illegal, you can't get rid of your fiance's mother, but you can try to arrange a safe path to the aisle. If this means relinquishing some control of the details, then you may have to give up a few little things to get the ultimate prize: peace.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 7:04 PM    <link>

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