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Sunday, October 31, 2004

ARE BRIDESMAIDS NECESSARY?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are in the process of planning our wedding, but we have hit a pretty serious glitch: I do not have any women in my life that I am comfortable asking to be my bridesmaids. I have a number of female acquaintances, but no sisters, cousins or best friends.

One alternative I have raised is a family only ceremony without attendants followed by a reception inviting all friends and extended families. Do you think this is unfair to my fiance, who has two very close friends he has had since childhood? Can you suggest any alternatives that might make everyone happy without drawing attention to the fact that I have no close female relationships?

Signed,

Not a Chick's Chick

Dear Not a Chick's Chick-

You've discovered the core of the Wedding Paradox: even the parts of wedding planning that are supposed to make you feel good can leave you prone to feelings of inadequacy and general crappiness. Resist them as you would the bad vibes that crop up around February 14th.

A modicum of pretense at weddings is a good thing. Even the most dedicated slob should be able to get it together to dress up for a formal wedding, and one should be cordial to people one doesn't really care for. What is really not required, outside of the universe of screwball comedy, is that you construct a different persona entirely for your wedding. If you are happy without female companionship, there is no point in manufacturing it for the sake of appearances.

Forget everything you know about bridal parties. You can take or leave any or all parts of them, just as you can take or leave the bouquet toss, or even the entire bouquet. (I've seen wedding parties that consisted of a female "best man" and a dog ringbearer; and I've also been to weddings that dispensed with the wedding party entirely.) The mind reels with possibilities you could pursue. Do you have a male friend you'd rather have stand up with you? Your fiance's friends could do readings instead of acting as groomsmen, or both of you could forego a wedding party and your fiance's friends could instead give toasts at the reception. Of course, you can ask the photographer to set aside some time to shoot some pictures of your fiance with his friends, honoring them without assigning them specific roles.

Have the wedding you want. Let your moods and tastes guide your decisions. Don't let the specters of conformity and convention frighten or shame you into doing anything other than celebrate your nuptials. No one should be thinking about whether or not you have bridesmaids. At the very least, you can revel in all the time and effort you will save shepherding your bridal party to the altar with you.

Congratulations,

Elise



posted by Elise at 7:33 PM    <link>

HE WANTS / SHE WANTS

Hi,

My first thought when we got engaged was to elope and spend a few days sequestered in some mountain retreat or luxurious hotel. Later, we'd have a big reception, so family and friends could be included.

My fiance was hesitant because after a relatively unpleasant and untraditional childhood he wanted to start our lives out with some tradition. Fine. We'll have a wedding.

We don't have much cash, and an extravagant wedding isn't our style, so we decided to cut corners (no videographer, no alcohol, no church, 75-80 guests, etc.). My fiance is a chef and wants to do the food himself, and all I want are nice place settings, pretty decorations and invitations, cool favors- the trappings of a simple elegant party. I know the rentals will cost a bit, but I feel like we're saving so much elsewhere it won't be that bad.

My fiance gets annoyed when I run ideas by him. Now he just wants a party in a state park - no frills, "Chinette" dishes instead of real plates. He even suggested a "potluck wedding." I'm not a snob, but this makes me cringe. I say: it's a special day, why shouldn't it be extra nice? He says it doesn't matter what it looks like. It's the wedding itself that matters and seeing friends and family. Now we're back to considering the first eloping idea.

What do we do? Maybe this doesn't qualify as an etiquette question but you give great advice. I thought I'd give it a shot.

Thank you,

Want a Pretty Party

Dear Pretty Party,

There's a reason an industry dedicated to party planning exists, and you seem to have blundered right into it. The massive indecision triggered by big events, particularly wedding receptions, can inspire a desperate need for a neutral voice of practicality. (The fact that those types are few and far between within the event planning industry is a different issue.)

Your tangle over party philosophies has, as is the case the philosophical problems generally, no ultimate answer. You know that neither you nor your fiance is "right," so the best you can hope for is a compromise.

Happily, you will never need to panic because you have an escape hatch: there is no shame in eloping. It may solve all your problems at once and give you a nice vacation. If, however, you decide to have a party, you and your fiance should sit down and lay out what you each want at the wedding. So far, your individual desires don't indicate a divide too wide to cross, but you'll each have to give a little. For example, he may have to forego the potluck reception (which, truth be told, I don't much care for either), and you may decide to have a lunch, cocktail hour or dessert party instead of dinner (this would be easier on your chef fiance and much more affordable).

You say he gets cranky when approached with planning information. Perhaps he feels overwhelmed and strapped for cash, both of which are legitimate and constant wedding scourges. You could offer to take the reins completely and promise you'll stick to your budget, or you could just keep reinforcing the fact that you are saving money in all kinds of ways and these few niceties won't really change your future financial landscape. Weddings often create dangerously solid fantasies in peoples' minds: they become convinced that they need specific things. Don't fall prey to this pitfall. If you are flexible and imaginative, you'll be able to cling to what is most important and let everything else be governed by what your fiance wants and what you both can afford.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:32 PM    <link>

LONG ENOUGH? TOO LONG?

Dear Elise,

I just love tea length bridesmaid dresses, but am not sure if they will look right for my wedding. We will be getting married next July. At that time of the year it will still be daylight at 7:00, plus here on the Gulf Coast it will be very hot. We will be getting married in a church and having a reception at an old home on the beach. My dress will be floor length, but not a ball gown or anything very formal. We are designing an elegant southern reception, with hurricane candles on the tables and white paper lanterns. The colors will be celadon and white, with gardenias and white peonies. I was thinking that tea length bridesmaid dresses would blend in with our theme, but I'm not sure what is "proper etiquette" regarding tea length for an evening wedding. I appreciate your help!

- Does Length Matter?

Dear Length,

Has an Edwardian spirit, anxious about the sight of exposed ankles, taken over your circle? If not, then you are not only in the clear, your choice of tea length dresses is entirely appropriate and classic. If that is, in fact, the case, may I swing by? I have all kinds of dining and corset inquiries.

Tea length, for the curious, refers to dresses (and skirts) where the hem ends mid-calf. This length is quite safe. It shows off ankles, while covering knees and thighs, and this possibly accounts for why, traditionally speaking, this hemline has long been popular for bridesmaid dresses. As always, style is everything and I'm sure people can trot out examples of tea length dresses that are fabulous and hideous, but your choice is entirely reasonable and consistent with your plans. For my part, I am a sucker for peonies and gardenias (magnolias, too- all of those heady-scented, easily bruised flowers that remind one that there are pleasures in even the most humid season).

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 4:05 PM    <link>

DESTINATION QUESTIONS


Hi Elise,

My fiance and I live in North Carolina, and we are planning a small wedding in Denali National Park in Alaska. There are 14 people (VIPs) that we’d really like to attend the ceremony, and we are willing to help defray their travel costs if they need assistance or if we should. We are paying for the wedding ourselves, and we’re on a strict budget. Here are my questions:

1) What part, if any, of their travel costs should we offer to subsidize? My fiancé thinks that we should offer to pay for half of their airfare. I’ve read that it’s traditional to pay for lodging and not travel.

2) Our guests will need transportation from the airport to the park. Should we rent a van or a so that everyone could save money and spend time together?

3) My fiance’s sister has said she doesn't need help with travel costs. Is it wrong to help our financially needy VIPs but not the well-off ones? Should we offer to help with our parents’ travel costs (they’re financially comfortable too)?

4) Everyone will need to take a park bus to the ceremony site. Should we offer to pay for the bus tickets?

5) We plan to leave on our backpacking honeymoon directly after the ceremony. This means there would be no reception with us, and there’s no place inside the park for refreshments. Should we treat everyone to dinner the night before? Would this qualify as the “rehearsal dinner” for which his parents might foot the bill? (The complicating element is that we think his parents will host an informal reception at their home for family who can’t come, as will my parents in their hometown.)

6) We are considering inviting a few additional close friends and family members but not offering to defray their costs. Should we pay for their bus inside the park and/or dinner the night before?

Wilderness Wedding

Dear Wilderness,

The nightmare of destination weddings is balancing how much you can expect of other people with how much you want the nuptials of your dreams. This is one of those unwinable wrestling matches.

In a way, you are making things difficult by stratifying your guests. Etiquette doesn't make distinctions among guests, and is rarely concerned with their financial status. They are expected to know their limits. All you have to do, really is make sure that everyone feels equally welcome.

Your initial question is confusing. When you say "VIPs" do you mean you'll help out certain guests and not others, or do you want to help pay for everyone unless, as in the case of your future sister-in-law, they say they don't need assistance? Favoring some guests over others without their foreknowledge is dangerous. Even if you really do prefer some guests over others, you probably don't want to make your feelings so visible.

An exception to the Treat All Guests Equally policy is close family. If you talk to your relatives and they want to pay their own way, you're in the clear. Having said that, it would still be a generous courtesy if you covered the tab for everyone's ride on the park bus. It will reduce confusion and perhaps the park can give you a good deal on bulk rides. The airport transportation issue is more about logistics than manners. Ask people if they would prefer to arrange for their own transportation or have your help.

You can float the rehearsal dinner idea to your fiance's parents, but be prepared for them to say they'd rather throw a party in their town. If you do have a dinner, it would be wise not to ostentatiously exclude people, so if you don't invite everyone, keep it as small as possible— family only. Personally, I think you may want to have a larger, more inclusive meal that includes all your guests who made the journey to Alaska.

Create the wedding you want, but know that the best way to avoid strife is by treating everyone as equally as possible. Preferential treatment invariably creates hurt feelings, and you certainly don't want to have to hear about that when you return from backpacking.

Congratulations and have a wonderful wedding.

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:39 PM    <link>

DOUBLE HEADER
FOR LOVE AND MONEY

Dear Elise,

Question: What's the best way to "register" for cold, hard cash? My fiance and I have lived together for three years, and don't need another blender, toaster, or new towels, and I admit here and now to my dish obsession so we don't need any more of those either. He will be joining the coast guard not long after we are married, so we are going to pare down what we already own after the wedding anyway. And we'd like to start saving for a down payment on a house in the next few years.

We'd like to register for a few things, since we know some people won't want to give cash. But what is the best way to let folks know that that is what we want, and what we really need.

Any advice would help.

- Broke, But in Love

Dear Elise,

My partner and I are recently engaged and in the very first stages of planning our wedding and already the question "where are you going to register?" has been asked. The issue is that my fiance and I already have a house, kids, and all the kitchen stuff we could want. We don't need any small appliances, picture frames, photo albums, etc. What we really need is new furniture and money towards our honeymoon — since we have zero.

When I told my mother-in-law and my aunt that we would just like money instead of wedding gifts, both of them said it was inappropriate. (I have heard this from others too.) What IS the scoop on asking for money instead of registering for gifts? Is a "money tree" taboo too?

- Cash Preferred

Dear Broke and Cash Preferred,

This question comes up frequently, and the hard news is that I don't have the answer either of you want. There is no way to politely tell people en masse that you want them to give you money.

Some of your guests would be happy that your interests are so easy to take care of, but others could easily be put out by this request. Money is a strange catalyst. As anyone who has seen The Treasure of the Sierra Madre will remember, it can make people crazy. In wedding situations, money requests produce wildly different reactions in family and guests alike. (I have written about this problem in other columns, among them: "Registry-A-Rama," 7.31.2004.)

In almost any other situation, this would sound like counterproductive advice, but this is etiquette and by extension psychology, so things are inevitably a little baroque. The best way to communicate this wish is to tell a handful of people: your parents and the friends and relatives your guests are most likely to quiz about your registry. These people, if they are comfortable doing so, can spread the word that you are fully stocked, but really would like to pay for your house.

Outside of indirection, you risk annoying people. As I have said before, wedding presents are as much a representation of the givers' personalities as they are of the recipients' wishes. Because of this, you're a little stuck, which doesn't mean you can't try to get what you want, just know that this is an area that requires great delicacy.

To be safe, register somewhere for items you do need. Remember, you don't have to use a traditional registry. As I wrote in "Present Negotiations" (8.25.2004), there is nothing preventing you from a nontraditional registry, as a friend did for trees at a nursery. As for your question about a ""Money Tree," Cash Preferred, you know best what is accepted in your community. "Money Trees" and "Wishing Wells" are completely acceptable in some regions, within some cultures, and totally offensive in others. I'm afraid you would know best how this would be received at your wedding. As a personal matter, I don't care for them, but there are plenty of places where I know folks wouldn't feel the least bit squeamy.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:45 PM    <link>

CALENDAR WAR

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have been together for nearly four years, lived together for three, and have been engaged for three months. We are planning to get married in three months. Our plan was to get married at my parents' house, with only close friends and family (around 40 people), handling everything but photography ourselves.

My parents have just pulled out, saying that this is too much work for them to handle. (They wouldn't have had to do much more than what is required of a normal holiday party). They want us to postpone our wedding until next year. We think this is absolutely ridiculous. My mother keeps saying: "You already live together - what difference will it make?" We chose this date and have been (obviously) looking forward to getting married on the day we picked. It's really not fair to make our marriage fit their schedule. She also keeps saying we should wait until we can do it "right" and have a "nice wedding". Our wedding plan was the nicest thing we could think of - it is not at all "right" for me to get married with 250 people in a banquet hall if that's what she means (and she won't tell me what she means)!

We are very upset and embarrassed by the possibility of having to tell everyone that our plans have changed. We are starting to think we should just elope. I don't want this to turn into the reason why I never speak to my parents again, but I wonder if this is a justifiable decision. As far as I know they have no problem with my fiance. I have never felt so isolated. I thought this was supposed to be a happy event but I am afraid my memories of this time will always be of fighting and crying. Do you have any advice for how I should handle this situation?

Unhappy Bride

Dear Unhappy,

Ugh. I would be disgruntled too. It was a dirty trick for your parents to change their minds so abruptly. You are, however, faced with the problem that you want to get married at their house, and they're the ones who make the rules and hold the keys.

The only way to feel better is to take matters firmly in hand. Your wedding doesn't depend entirely on your parents' house. You can absolutely elope. It would save you considerable amounts of angst and probably some cash. If that feels too harsh, then there are some other plans you could try. You can get married at City Hall and have a good dinner at a favorite restaurant. You could have a wedding and reception in a separate location entirely. In the interests of saving money you could have a dessert or tea-time reception – something that requires less food.

Obviously, I can't imagine what your parents are thinking. It may be that they are overwhelmed and conflicted and don't know how to talk to you. The important thing for you right now is not to feel so controlled by them. If you tell your mother that you are determined to keep to your original wedding day and that she can join you if she likes, perhaps she would understand how important this is to you. You can present her with your alternative plans and say that this really is what you want. If your parents still resist, then you can tell them that you understand, and that you'll send them an invitation along with everyone else.

Either your parents don't comprehend what you really want, or they have some private agenda. In either case, you don't have to accept their timeline as your own. Do what you want, and let them make the decision about whether they want to be involved in your wedding or guests. This sounds hard, but you can phrase it gently. Your message will get across.

Congratulations. I'm sorry you have to face this, but I think there are solutions. Good luck and here's hoping your folks see the light.

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:14 PM    <link>

TECHNOLOGY FAILS US

Dear Readers,

Please forgive the unwanted and entirely unexpected haitus. I have been cruelly used by the software that allows me to post to you, but things seem to have resolved themselves and I am much relieved.

So here I am, back again, ready and able to take your questions, and perhaps soon you may see a rant of my own here on etiquette issues of which I have recently become most aware.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:50 AM    <link>

MAY I INTRODUCE...

Dear Elise,

My son will be married soon. His bride has elected to keep her own name. Usually the minister will introduce the new couple following the kiss and before the recessional, saying something like "I now present to you Joe and Julie Black" or "Mr. and Mrs. Joe and Julie Black." Could you suggest wording that would work for our situation?

Thanks,

- Supportive Mom

Dear Supportive Mom,

Forgive me. I was flooded with questions and unfortunately am responding to your letter rather late.

The first presentation of the newlyweds is an optional tradition, and it is possible your son and his wife have written an introduction for themselves, or have decided to forego the announcement entirely. But this is an interesting question.

The easiest way to present the newlyweds is not the most creative or glamorous, but it is to the point: "I have the honor of presenting the newlyweds-- Joe Black and Julie Beige."

Since people are increasingly involved with writing their own vows and planning each detail of their nuptials, I suspect that even though I am tardy with my counsel, you and your son and new daughter-in-law found a plan that suitably celebrated the moment.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:12 AM    <link>

FAIRY GODMOTHER - MIXED BLESSING

Elise,

We had a small, non-formal, close friends and family-only ceremony in my parents' back yard this past summer (no gifts, no attendants, no procession no frou-frou, just a very casual party). We will be having another celebration next summer, with all the big wedding to-do. My godmother, who is very dear to me, was a constant source of stress at the first ceremony. My mother had to be rushed to the doctor the day before the event because she was having heart palpitations due to the stress of my godmother's presence.

Now she's setting her sights on our big wedding. She wants us to do another reception/party-type event where she lives, which is 8 hours from my parents' town (where the big wedding will be held) and 10 hours from my in-laws and their accompanying family. She was very vocal about it and invited my in-laws before I even gave my ok or made definite plans. I'm wondering if I could perhaps steer her towards hosting a shower? It would be less formal, people who aren't coming to the wedding could come, and nobody would feel obligated the way they would if it was another "reception"-type event. It would give her the chance to host a party for us, which she's set on doing, and give her a focus other than interfering with plans for the big wedding. I know it's considered inappropriate for the mother of the bride to host a shower, but what about godmothers? I love her very much and am thrilled she wants to be a part of this, but I feel I need to give her guidelines or we'll have more trouble. If not a shower, do you have any suggestions?

Thanks,

- Her Godmother's Daughter

Dear Godmother's Daughter,

You're in a tricky spot, to be sure, but before you take any steps, you must fortify yourself to be firm with your godmother. Clearly, recognizing boundaries is not her strong suit, and she seems to be happily surrounded by people who love her and want nothing more than to spare her feelings. Remember this, keep it as your mantra if you must: loving your godmother doesn't mean celebrating her whims.

Of course, you can tell your godmother you don't want her to throw this extra party, that you don't have time and can't make the extra trip. You are free to do that, but you may not feel comfortable denying her. While you have a good idea about requesting a smaller event, stay away from asking her to throw a shower. Such a party would lead you into delicate territory. The problem isn't that your godmother would be throwing the party. Showers, I've mentioned before, are parties that require presents. To invite people to a shower who will not be invited to your second wedding party (let alone your wedding) could be taken the wrong way: as if you were simply soliciting presents from people you don't care to include at the actual celebration. You would be safer if she threw a non-specific wedding celebration party. It doesn't have to be called anything special or fulfill a particular purpose. A neutral party may turn out to be more fun for everyone since it won't carry any pressures or obligations or possible transgressions of manners.

She may push for something different, and I suspect she really wants to have a more central role in your big wedding celebration- just as she did in your small event last summer. So prepare yourself to be gracious with her but serious about what you want this party to be. She may not know that she's driving everyone crazy, and certainly you don't have to make her aware of this fact, but you do need to protect yourself. So make your wishes clear and don't be bullied into something you don't want.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:27 AM    <link>

EMERGENCY QUESTION: FUTURE IN-LAW FREAK OUT

Hi Elise,

My future mother-in-law has behaved terribly for the 2 years we have been planning this wedding. It started with not calling to congratulate us on our engagement and has gone downhill from there. She and her husband have shown very little interest in the wedding. We hadn't thought too much about it until the subject of the rehearsal dinner came up.

At first, she wanted to include all of our relatives from both sides of the family. Then she changed her mind, leaving my family to explain to my out-of-town relatives why they were no longer invited. Then she added friends of hers to what was supposedly a limited guest list. My fiance told her that she should ask my parents if they had any friends they would like to invite, and she said: "It's my party, why should her family get to invite anyone?" She refuses to see this dinner as anything more than her own personal dinner party.

It's hard to describe how difficult this has been. Other issues we have had involve her "remembering" people she had to invite after the invitations went out, and again after the RSVP date. When we expressed frustration, she screamed and cried, and had my fiance's father, sister and grandfather call and say things like: "you've caused your mother a lot of heartache." She has made us feel like this wedding is of very little importance to her, and is not now speaking to us at all.

How can I deal with my wedding weekend? My future in-laws have offended my entire family, and I can't imagine we are going to be happy to see them. But how do I even look at them? The wedding is in 2 weeks, and we're not even looking forward to it, I'm scared my fiance's mother is going to ruin something for us.

Thanks for your help,

- Mother-In-Law Mania

Dear Mother-In-Law Mania,

Don your prettiest boots, because you'll want to look nice when you put your foot down. If your future mother-in-law wants to play rough, that's her business, but you need to look out for yourself.

Have you had a word with your fiance about his mother's behavior? If not, you and he should come up with a general plan of action. This is not, as they say, just about the wedding. You have bent to her will long enough and there is really no reason for her to stop being beastly as long as she gets rewarded for being naughty.

The rehearsal dinner leaves you in an impossible position. She has been awful, but you and your family have limited choices. You could stage a polite boycott (wherein you send deeply apologetic notes explaining that something has come up and you simply can't attend the dinner). This, needless to say, is a radical gesture and one that could have permanent negative repercussions. The other option is to go and have the best time you can. As far as your excluded relatives go, remember that the only people who look mean and crazy are your future in-laws. If you want, you could encourage your out-of-town relatives and friends to gather for a nightcap someplace where you can join them after the dinner. It is possible that your future mother-in-law may hear that you are planning on having some fun elsewhere without her.

You suspect your wedding isn't important to your fiance's mother. You are mistaken. This wedding is such a big deal that she has lost it and now she's desperately trying to get comfortable, forcing everyone to accommodate her arbitrary wishes. You will just have to be firm, and tell her "No" from now on. It will not be easy, and she and her husband may turn into writhing monsters before your eyes, but don't be intimidated. Stop answering the telephone if you must.

At bottom, you are doing something happy and joyful. As to how to deal with your future in-laws at the wedding, ignore them. Your fiance's mother is already not speaking to you, so you have a head start, and given the flurry of most wedding days, you shouldn't have much trouble avoiding them, except for the Just For Show moments. Be sure, however, to let them see how happy you are in spite of them.

Congratulations. You have my best wishes and my sympathies. This is a Devil of a thing to have to face under any circumstances.

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:29 PM    <link>

SECRET IDENTITIES?

Dear Elise,

My proper name is Antoinette Tina; everyone calls me Tina. My fiance's proper name is Lorenzo, Jr., but everyone calls him Duce (for Lorenzo the second… get it?).

I'm afraid that if we put our proper names on the invitations, no one will no who we are. I also feel that it would be tacky to use nicknames. How can I word it so everyone knows that Antoinette and Lorenzo are really Tina and Duce?

- Who Should I Be?

Dear Who Should I Be?

This is not a frivolous concern. Recently, I heard of two parties thrown by people for friends of theirs where only the first names of the guests of honor appeared on the invitation. Both sets of hosts then got stuck fielding phone calls from folks wondering for whom the parties were being thrown. I am sure this syndrome of not being sure who one's friends are is emblematic of something unfortunate, but I also doubt that this will be your problem.

Surely, surely you are planning to use your last names on the invitations. This will go a long way toward fending off confusion. If there are individuals you suspect really might not realize you are who you are, then there is nothing inappropriate about including little explanatory notes with the invitations. (This means a bit of extra work for you, but if it buys you fewer worries, it may be worth it.)

Another way you can handle this concern is to include both your full names and nicknames on save the date cards. While save the date cards are far from necessary (and often seem, to me, to be most useful to the financial interests of the stationery industry), you could use them for the ulterior purpose of teaching your guests what your real names are. (To do this you could use your full names and include your nicknames in parentheses.) Since save the date cards are less formal than the actual invitations, this would not prevent you from using the style you prefer on your invitations.

I realize that your guests' states of mind are beyond you, but they really should be able to recognize your invitation when it arrives. Feel free to cover your bases, and of course brace yourself for the odd phone call, but you are truly doing nothing coy or mysterious. You can't control people and if they turn out to be a little dopey and not know who you are at first glance, try not to feel too prickly about it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:48 AM    <link>

PARTY, SINGULAR.

Dear Elise,

Your response to 09.05.2004 prompted my question. We plan on having a big engagement party as a sort of pre-reception. However, we will make it known that we are getting married in a private, destination ceremony a few weeks or months later. We will not have another reception when we get home from the wedding/ honeymoon. Is this okay? I know etiquette typically says it is rude to invite people to the engagement party and then not to the wedding. But, could this be a case for deviation - as long as everyone knew? Is there anything else I should be aware of?

Thanks so much!

- Only One Party

Dear Only One,

Ah, the cascade of angst that comes tumbling in when one's mind turns to parties and guest lists. Really, there are infinite ways to offend people (most of which are so specific to the individuals in question that you should feel free to ignore them) that one will lose one's mind if one tries to think of all the ramifications of everything.

The trick here is all in balancing expectations. You are actually quite safe. The atmosphere would be much more sticky if, for instance, you created a scenario similar to that depicted in "Bizarro Wedding" (9.5.2004). In that instance, everyone knew who was "in" enough to be asked to the actual wedding, and who was part of the hoi polloi at the reception. Don't misunderstand me, the choice to have an "intimate" wedding ceremony followed by a big, embrace-the-world reception is legitimate and follows a long tradition, but it is still easy to see where people may feel slighted. After all, given the opportunity to feel insulted, very few won't seize it, greedily.

In your case, however, if everyone knows you will be getting married far, far away and inviting no one, then your guests can't possibly (reasonably) feel excluded. You can feel especially comfortable given that there will be a few weeks or even months between your engagement party and the wedding. The sense of having "missed out" on something will have diminished for your guests, and they'll be happy they were included at your engagement bash. If you get any complaints, feel free to tell them to weep into my email account.

Congratulations and have a wonderful time,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:59 PM    <link>

PARTY HAPPY GODMOTHER

Elise,

I enjoy your column very much and read it faithfully. Now I'm in need of some advice of my own.

We had a small, non-formal, close friends and family-only ceremony in my parents' back yard this past summer (no gifts, no attendants, no procession no frou-frou, just a very casual party). We will be having another celebration next summer, a year from the date of our first one, with all the big wedding to-do. My godmother, who is very dear to me, was a constant source of stress at the first ceremony. My mother had to be rushed to the doctor the day before the event because she was having heart palpitations due to the stress of my godmother's presence.

Now she's setting her sights on our big wedding. She wants us to do another reception/party-type event where she lives, which is 8 hours from my parents' town (where the big wedding will be held) and 10 hours from my in-laws and their accompanying family. She was very vocal about it and invited my in-laws before I even gave my ok or made definite plans. I'm wondering if I could perhaps steer her towards hosting a shower? It would be less formal, people who aren't coming to the wedding could come, and nobody would feel obligated the way they would if it was another "reception"-type event. It would give her the chance to host a party for us, which she's set on doing, and give her a focus other than interfering with plans for the big wedding. I know it's considered inappropriate for the mother of the bride to host a shower, but what about godmothers? I love her very much and am thrilled she wants to be a part of this, but I feel I need to give her guidelines or we'll have more trouble. If not a shower, do you have any suggestions?

Thanks,

Her Godmother's Daughter

Dear Godmother's Daughter,

You're in a tricky spot, to be sure, but before you take any steps you have to fortify yourself to be firm with your godmother. Clearly, recognizing boundaries is not her strong suit, and she seems to be happily surrounded by people who love her and want nothing more than to spare her feelings. Remember this, keep it as your mantra if you must: loving your godmother doesn't mean celebrating her whims.

You can of course always tell your godmother you don't want her to throw this extra party, that you don't have time and can't make the extra trip. You are free to do that, but you may not feel comfortable denying her. While you have a good idea about requesting a smaller event, stay away from asking her to throw a shower. Such a party would lead you into delicate territory. The problem isn't that your godmother would be throwing the party. Showers, I've mentioned, are parties that require presents. To invite people to a shower who will not be invited to your second wedding party (let alone your first wedding) could be taken the wrong way: as if you were simply soliciting presents from people you don't care to include at the actual celebration. You would be safer if she threw a non-specific wedding celebration party. It doesn't have to be called anything special or fulfill a particular purpose. A neutral party may turn out to be more fun for everyone since it won't carry any pressures or obligations or possible transgressions of manners.

She may push for something different, and I suspect she really wants to have a more central role in your big wedding celebration- just as she did in your small event last summer. So prepare yourself to be gracious with her but serious about what you want this party to be. She may not know that she's driving everyone to distraction, and certainly you don't have to make her aware of this fact, but you do need to protect yourself. So make your wishes known, and don't be bullied into something you don't want.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 7:40 PM    <link>

PRESENT MANIA

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have been invited to three weddings this past year where multiple showers were held beforehand. All three have been close friends and my fiance has been a groomsman in each.

Here's an example of the latest wedding: an engagement party, a pool party, a stock the bar luau, a "honey-do" shower, a lingerie shower, two bachelorette parties (one including a sex-party where 10% of the sales went to the bride's purchases), and a bachelor party in Las Vegas (hotel was provided). We have purchased gifts for all but two of the showers, and we also have to deal with the expense of my fiance being in the wedding. So my question is: will we look cheap if we don't get them a wedding gift? They are close friends, but I just feel that enough is enough. Every one of these weddings has been similar, with multiple showers beforehand, with the same people being invited to each. And I know that we're not obligated to buy gifts for each one, but we still feel funny showing up empty handed.

So, is it normal to have this many showers, and should we still bring a wedding gift if we've already bought several gifts?

Thanks,

Don't Want to Look Cheap

Dear Don't Want,

I hope you wrote to me from a reclining position with a stiff drink of something at your side. That is quite the party schedule to maintain once, let alone three times, in a year, and the business of the holidays hasn't even hit yet.

There is no "usual" or "traditional" set of wedding events, but the ones we've come to expect are: the wedding and reception, the rehearsal dinner, and the bridal shower. It is difficult to find mention of bachelor/ette parties in etiquette books, and very few people today have even heard of the old-fashioned "bridesmaid's luncheon." There is no real structure for parties and because your friends are so popular, or such fun-lovers, or so scared of confrontation that they can't say "no more parties, thank you," a lot of parties have swarmed into the vacuum.

The Cliffs Notes answer to your question is this: one is never required to give a wedding present. In your case, you have given quite a number of presents already and legitimately feel tapped out, which is probably not what your friends intended when they agreed to have so many wedding events. While your feelings are utterly justified, you might not fee entirely comfortable acting upon them and there are a lot of inexpensive but sincere gestures you could make. You could give them a card wishing them well (often, this is all people really want – acknowledgement that their friends are happy for them) or a token present (a cookbook, a few of your favorite mystery thrillers for them to read on their honeymoon, chocolates, a bottle of wine). At this point, you're in the clear. You have more than proved your friendship and, if nothing else, you deserve a break.

Only you know the rules of this friendship, so I can only tell you what passes muster, formally. In the interest of keeping anyone from misunderstanding your present reticence, I would recommend you play it safe with a card. That way no one can imagine that you had anything but the best feelings about the marriage and people unfamiliar with the delicacies of etiquette will not be in a position to snark at you.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:11 AM    <link>

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