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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

SALVATION THROUGH SIMPLICITY

Dear Elise,

My wedding will be in August, with 110 guests- most of whom will be traveling for the wedding. The groom is Scottish. Both sets of parents, and my fiance and I will be paying for it.

1. My maid-of-honor is perfect. She dragged me to try on dresses, has lots of ideas, listens to my concerns and so on. The only problem is she has a young son, and on the day of my wedding I want her attention to be on me. Is this horribly selfish? Should I ask her to leave her son with his dad? Should I offer to get a babysitter?

2. How do we negotiate politely but firmly with grubby vendors? A DJ initially quoted me a rate of $1800, I said I couldn't pay more than $1200, he said OK. $1800, I realized too late was his ridiculously high starting price. Can I re-bargain with him, or should I move on? Is there a chance in Hell I'll find a DJ who doesn't start giving me this weird, memorized spiel every time I call?

3. My father, (divorced from my mom for 15 years and lives in another state) and my brother got into a stupid fight in May. I wasn't there and had nothing to do with it, but my father stopped speaking to me as well. I have tried to get in contact with him to no avail. He had promised me some wedding money, but I know I'll never see any of it. I have dealt with who my father is, and I never really wanted to invite him anyway but thought I was supposed to. Now I really don't want to, and he probably wouldn't come. There is only one person who would really be sad he wasn't there--my aunt—and even she knows he's being an ass. Elise, do I have to invite him?

Thanks for all your great advice, past present and future—

- Indecisive

Dear Indecisive,

These questions only appear disparate. Really, each requires you to do the same thing: minimize drama. This isn't as harsh a pronouncement as it sounds, so before you feel put upon, realize that being selective about your battles will make your life, and certainly your nuptials an order of magnitude easier.

You have a splendid Maid of Honor. Why force her to choose between you and her child? Practically speaking, this might not even be an issue. Don't underestimate the amount of gladhanding, socializing and last minute organizing you'll have to do on your wedding day. You'd be much better off creating some little respites where you can see your friend alone, perhaps for lunch or for a couple of hours to get dressed together. This way, you can be sure of her support, without having to ask so much of her. (Remember, all of this will be happening in a new environment where your friend will have to contend with various things that threaten to make small children clingy, which might make it harder for her to completely ditch her kid with someone else, even her husband, for the whole day and evening.)

This encounter with the DJ is rather typical. With the guy you mention, you have probably reached the limit. If you want to take your newly discovered haggling skills (and I commend you on having them because I am lousy at anything but the most direct exchange) to another DJ, then feel free to find someone new and go back and forth some more, but if you like this guy and he's willing to match the price you quoted, you should probably stick with the offer. Keep in mind that with a DJ you are buying a service (as opposed to an object), and will have to work rather closely with him (or her). It may be difficult for both of you to feel comfortable with each other if you reopen negotiations after he feels he already made a deal with you.

We are entering the Season of Problematic Families, which makes me particularly sympathetic to the issue of your father. The short answer is: you do not have to invite your father to anything. Bad behavior does not need to be rewarded. No thunderbolt from above will smite you. That said, there are advantages to taking the high road (any references to Scotland or Loch Lomond are purely coincidental). If you don't invite him, you will always be the Girl Who Didn't Invite Her Father to Her Wedding. If you do, and he doesn't come, then you can be eternally smug for having been the bigger person. If you do and he does show up, you can largely ignore him. Why be the bad guy when it looks as if your father will happily take the rap? Above all, this is really up to you. You know better than anyone how much excluding your father will "cost" and what the advantages are.

Congratulations and remember, in most wedding issues, simplicity will save you.

Elise


posted by Elise at 1:57 PM    <link>

AN ENEMY ON THE INSIDE

Dear Elise,

I just found out that my future sister-in-law does not care for me. According to my fiance, she is very jealous. I find this very hard to believe because I have been very nice to this young woman and very accommodating. Before this happened, I asked her to be an attendant in my wedding. Now, however, I would prefer if she weren't. I don't want a lot of tension during my wedding and I especially don't want someone standing on my side that doesn't even like me. Please, I need some advice on how to handle this matter.

- Confused

Dear Confused,

You're incredulous because you overlooked something fundamental about human nature. Given the opportunity, envy will take up residence in anyone's heart. It is one of the seven big sins, after all, not because it is elusive and unfamiliar. You are happy and about to get married and you're nice - all good reasons for your future sister-in-law not to like you. Of course, your life is not perfect, but she is probably too far-gone to realize that.

The friendly overtures you made earned you, to borrow from Jane Austen, a viper at your bosom, and now you're in a tricky spot because this snake is future family. Before you do anything, consider the consequences. If you kick her out of your wedding party, you'll still have to encounter her at events for ages to come. Are you prepared for years of discomfort, spiteful glances across punch bowls, awkward seating arrangements for holiday dinners, sniping over birthday cake? If not, tread lightly before you fire this woman; you don't want your wedding to become the start of an eternal - if small scale - civil war.

Very few wedding parties are, however, enhanced by the presence of a sourpuss, so with some gentle manipulation, you may be able to convince her that she doesn't want be your bridesmaid. You or your fiance could ask her directly if, given her feelings, she would be more comfortable with a different role in the wedding, or none at all. You'd have to be careful and reassure her that everyone's comfort- hers as well as yours- is your primary concern. Let her know that if she bows out you won't hold it against her (a white lie in this case may get you further than the whole truth), and that you don't want her to have to do anything she isn't happy about. In your situation, you will be best served by being, paradoxically, open and indirect at the same time. Allow her to feel that she is making the decision either to bow out or buck up. Don't feel guilty about playing with her mind. Psychological manipulation is merely a tool. It can serve purposes both good and evil.

Good luck and guard your temper. Her opinion of you may have more to do with her feelings about herself than anything. This is not to excuse any bad behavior (heaven forbid), but knowing that she is probably less evil than sad should make your fiance's sister easier to tame. One final bit of advice to which I alluded earlier: since your fiance was the one who brought this to your attention in the first place, you should absolutely feel comfortable about getting him to help solve this problem. You are not alone.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 1:12 PM    <link>

RING REDUX
-OR-
EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN

Dear Elise,

I am lucky to have a wonderful fiance who planned a unique, romantic proposal.

In the year before his great surprise proposal he had told me several times that he wanted to marry me, but that he was wanted to be more secure financially first. (I knew we'd marry at some point so I didn't worry about the when part.) When he proposed, he gave me a pretty silver band. He said he intended to replace it when he could, but that he didn't want to wait any longer to be engaged. His sweet proposal was more important to me than any ring could have been -- and now I would rather have him work off his last little bit of student loan debt so we can save for a down payment for a house, than have him put himself back into debt for a diamond.

I have a pair of beautiful diamond earrings from my late grandmother. Is it "proper" for me to give the earrings to him to be refashioned into a ring? I think it would be more special to have the only thing my grandmother left me on my finger every day than on my ears a couple times a year--plus it's practical. But will this look like I'm greedy or tacky and "buying" my own ring?

Thank you,

- Practical Yet Sentimental

Dear Practical,

If one is extremely industrious and digs deep enough, one can imagine something objectionable about every wedding decision. Don't succumb to the plague of excessive analysis. Your idea is perfectly sound.

Engagement and wedding rings have countless origins, and none is more legitimate than any other, though it would be inauspicious, I suppose, to obtain one's nuptial jewelry in some nefarious fashion (thievery, for instance). Gorgeous rings have been found in the most predicable places: jewelry stores, estate sales, inherited from relatives, and in a rather memorable fictional moment, in a box of Cracker Jack (Breakfast at Tiffany's). You would hardly be treading new ground, really, if you decide to have your grandmother's diamonds adorn your finger, not your lobes.

You may even find unforeseen advantages to your plan. You would not have to deal with the politics of diamond mining; your stones would add additional sentimental value to your engagement ring, and your modified ring wouldn't send you and your fiance into debt. As to how you and he should proceed with creating your ring, you could either tell him to go to town with the stones, or you and he could design something together.

In any case, you have nothing to worry about, etiquette-wise. Have a wonderful time creating a new heirloom, and if anyone thinks you are "greedy or tacky" for reusing the diamonds, that is far from your problem.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:17 PM    <link>

ANNOUNCEMENT EDIFICATION

Dear Elise,

My partner and I are planning to elope very soon. The ceremony will only include the two of us, and our two witnesses. Since we are conducting a "self-uniting" ceremony (legal in Quaker-settled Pennsylvania) there will not even be an officiant present.

We intend to tell our close family members the next day. But we also want to have nice announcement cards printed-up to send to family and friends, perhaps with an enclosed wedding photo. Is there a particular way that such announcements should be worded? We want to emphasize the "spontaneous," personal, and celebratory nature of the event (after nearly eight years of living together) such that our loved ones might focus on the happiness of our disclosure rather than feeling excluded. Any advice you have would be most appreciated!

Thanks,

-Seven-and-One-Half-Year Itch

Dear Seven-and-One-Half,

As far as your announcement goes, you're swimming in open waters. The language in classical wedding announcements is rather chalky, which means that any and all embellishments and informational flourishes are up to you. Only the barest facts are required, so brace yourself to be bowled over by the sentiment couched in the traditional language:

Seven-and-One-Half Years
and
Seven-and-One-Half Years, Part 2
Announce Their Marriage
On
Date
Place

It just gives you goose bumps, doesn't it? Many people prefer the restraint and formality of the old-fashioned text, but I sense you want something more personal. Feel free to elaborate and include a photograph. The only thing you shouldn't do is rhapsodize in such a way that it seems as if you're gloating (as in: "We had such a good time, don't you wish you were invited?") Beyond that, enjoy yourself and have a wonderful ceremony.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:30 PM    <link>

OH, JUST INVITE THEM

Dear Elise,

My mom has learned that several friends and relatives will be unable to attend my wedding, for various reasons. I haven't sent out invitations yet and we're wondering if it's proper etiquette to send invitations to people who have already said they can't make it. She feels sending invitations when they've told us already they can't make it will look like asking for gifts, whereas I feel it would be rude to tell someone about a wedding and then not send the invitation.

What do you think?

Thanks for your advice.

Sincerely,

Ready to Mail

Dear Ready to Mail

There is very little innocence in wedding invitations. A majority of your guests will know when and where your wedding will be (and that they are invited). Your mother has secured a handful of responses before you've even put your invitations in the mail, and this information is helpful, but as opposing counsel might say in court, hearsay.

There is an exquisite formality to mailed invitations, one that matches the significance of the occasion. Word-of-mouth responses that creep from your potential guests through your mother to you before your invitations have even hit the post office are not nearly as substantial as a reply card or direct communication with you. They are also not as reliable. People's plans change all the time; someone might have spoken out of turn, a vacation may have been canceled or postponed-- who knows what is up with these potential guests? The only thing you can be sure of is that you have heard a rumor that they can't make it. Your instincts are good: invite everyone. The people who won't be able to attend will let you know and will still be pleased that you continued to hold out hope that their plans might change.

I agree with you. If you're going to invite someone to a wedding, he or she should receive an invitation. As for your mother's concern that people will think they have to give you a present, you can remind her that no one is ever obliged to produce a wedding gift, regardless of invitation or attendance. Remember always, an invitation is a compliment. No one should ever be offended by an invitation, and if these guests in question have a problem with declining (with regrets) twice, then they either deserve a scolding for being rude or a box of vitamins to boost their energy.

Your instinct is natural and gracious. Take the high road, and don't let your mother's paranoia exert any undue influence.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 7:48 PM    <link>

GETTING THE WORD OUT

Dear Elise,

My partner of 7 years and I have decided to tie the knot, but we haven't told anyone and are not yet officially engaged. My family lives in California and his in North Carolina. (We're in New York.) I was wondering if there is any etiquette for announcing the engagement, which will probably happen in December. I'd like to tell my family when we visit them for Christmas, but then we might have to postpone telling them for several weeks in order to do it in person. Is that weird? How should this mesh with telling our friends (who are bound to notice the rings), and his parents, who we'll have to tell by phone? I hate talking about important stuff on the phone, but don't want my family to be hurt that other people found out first.

Thanks,

-Almost Betrothed

Dear Almost,

The existential specter of personal taste looms large yet again. Where once there was strict protocol, now there is careful weighing of whims, moods and little practicalities like space and time. You know your families, and you will know best how to spread the good news across the continent.

According to Emily Post in 1946, the groom's job, immediately upon getting an affirmative answer to his proposal, was to ask permission of the bride's father. Presumably the bride's mother would immediately get wind of the engagement and then the news would spread to the groom's family. By 1948, with the publication of Vogue's Book of Etiquette, getting an OK from the father of the bride was considered something rather quaint and not really necessary, though the general pattern of spreading the word (bride's family first) was still familiar. Fifty-six years later, absolutely anything goes, and the physical limits placed on you in terms of where everyone lives and how often you see them should relieve you of the burden of having to follow a set protocol.

Are your families competitive? If so, you may want to handle everything by telephone to ensure that no one feels slighted by one side getting to hear the news in person. Given your circumstances and how far-flung everyone is, you may find it preferable to leave behind your phone phobia and make the calls. I know it feels anticlimactic, but you may spare yourself some heartache later if you just do a blitz with the news. This will also relieve any awkwardness if your friends find out first. Even if you swear them to secrecy (which never works) you may still find yourself at Christmas fielding accusing glances from relatives.

In your place, I would seize the moment and the telephone, call all the parents and keep the playing field level. You are only at the beginning of the wedding process, and you can't overestimate the importance of trying to make all the parties feel equally included and informed.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:54 AM    <link>

WHO TO LEAVE OUT

Hi Elise:

I just discovered your column and am reading as fast as I can. My boyfriend and I decided to get married this spring. We hope to have a smallish, informal, fun wedding.

Is there is a way to invite children, but intentionally not invite one person's kids? Only two people on this earth can handle the child and they are will both be invited to the wedding. It would be bad if the mother showed up and saw that her son was the only kids not invited. This boy does not merely misbehave- he has severe emotional and behavioral problems. He screams (kind of like Tourette's), and punches people. I can't imagine that his parents would think it would be okay to take him to a wedding. If it weren't for this child, I wouldn't mind having kids at the wedding. If there's no way out of it, I'll limit it to immediate family only.

Second question: do you have any suggestions on how we can word the invitation? My father will probably help out with costs (my mom passed away a few years ago) and my fiance's mother and stepfather will probably help some too. We aren't asking his father and stepmother, or hinting that their help is needed or wanted. I know the names of the hosting parents go first. There's no need to mention his dad anywhere, is there?

My fiance gets along okay with his dad. He and his wife will absolutely be invited as guests. I wouldn't mind if his dad were involved, if he wanted to be, but don't want his stepmother anywhere near the plans or me except for whatever brief encounters we are forced to have. Let's imagine, however, a really worse-case scenario, and THEY want to help too. How do you list 3 sets of parents?

Thanks!

Stressed by Steps

Dear Stressed,

Your strong inclinations are in a tug-of-war with your feelings of fairness. In both cases, whatever you decide to do, it is best not to do anything by halves. Be firm with your decisions.

Indeed, you did answer your question about the child. It is more than reasonable that you would not want to have this kid at your wedding, but it is not in your best interests to let your friends see how awful he is by inviting all children except theirs. As I've said before, there is nothing wrong with only inviting children of immediate family members, or only including kids who are in the wedding party, but people who can happily accept those rules will be quite hurt if they learn that only their child was singled out. If you really need to exclude this kid (and he does sound pretty difficult), only allowing "family children" would be the way to go.

Your invitations open up a similar set of issues. The most "traditional" versions tend only to include the bride's parents' names, since way back when they generally were the exclusive hosts of the wedding. Now, of course, people often host their own weddings, or so many people participate that only the wedding couple's names appear. Other folks opt to include all the parents on the invitations. Anything goes. Don't make the mistake, however, of thinking of the wedding invitation as some sort of credit-for-cash exchange. While there tends to be some correlation between financial contributions and names on the invitation, that isn't always the case. Invitation language is as much about sentiment as participation.

Practicalities first: if you were to include all three parent sets on the invitation, you could do the following:

Mr. Bride's Father
and
Mr. and Mrs. Groom's Mother
and
Mr. and Mrs. Groom's Father

Request the honor of your presence at the marriage of
You
and
Your Fiance

But maybe that wasn't your question. Are you afraid of backlash if you leave your future father-in-law and his wife off the invitation? If they are they types feel slighted, are you and your fiance comfortable with explaining why you didn't list them? This isn't to say that your inclinations not to include them are incorrect at all. It is really your choice, but you are right to be careful since omitting them may perhaps make more of a statement than including them would.

Now that the rules of etiquette have been muted somewhat and Everything Is Permitted, it is hard to know what one should do. In your case, the trick will be balancing your inclinations with possible future repercussions. You and your fiance know best how to balance your desires with other peoples' feelings.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:29 PM    <link>

PROPER TRAINING

Dear Elise,

Please help, I have searched the whole Internet and have not found a straight answer.

I am engaged and this is a second wedding for both of us

We would like to have a destination wedding, although we have not fully decided. I have begun shopping for a dress and it seems everything that I like has a cathedral train.

From what I've read online, encore brides should not have a “long” train! What is long? Is a cathedral train too long? Wedding stores have not been helpful, I think they just want to sell me an expensive dress, and of course the ones with trains are more expensive. But to be honest I do not like the informal dresses, I find them a little boring. Would a dress with a train be inappropriate for a destination wedding at Sandals should we choose to go that route?

- In Training

Dear In Training,

The straight answer you seek is hard to come by. You're looking for rules where they have become somewhat extinct. Today, everything is permitted, as far as wedding dresses go, even for second weddings.

Don't believe so-called traditionalists who would advise restraint and urge you not to wear a formal gown. I would suggest that the people inclined to make such comments would be most excruciatingly rude for trotting out memories of the unfortunate past on a happy occasion. So while you can wear anything you like, you should think hard about how your dress will look, feel, and behave in your venue.

"Cathedral length" trains - several yards of material cascading down from the waist – make for extremely formal wedding gowns. (The name alone suggests some serious grandeur.) How would you feel walking on the beach with all kinds of fabric trailing behind you? It may be impractical, heavy, and ultimately something that just feels uncomfortable or silly in practice- even if it is appealing in the store. Wedding stores have sterile enough aspects that it is easy to forget the practical, personal details that are important. If you are absolutely sold on both a train and the beach, you can bustle the train, so it becomes a fancy dress element, but not one that is so reminiscent of, say, a royal wedding. (This may be harder with a super long train than a more modest one.)

I fear you are trying to do two things in your question. You want etiquette to give you guidance, but at the same time you want confirmation of your inclinations. Right now, the world is your oyster. Let your choice be guided more by when and where you marry than what you think people will think of your choice. Your dress will have to travel and the more fabric you have to deal with, the more chance of wrinkling or staining you have. Just as you wouldn't wear white velvet in the Caribbean, you also might not be inclined to drag five or ten extra pounds of train behind you.

Good luck, good hunting and don't let eager sales clerks or fear of impropriety turn your head. Let comfort and practicality be your guides.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:20 PM    <link>

SHOWER FOR A STRANGER?

Dear Elise,

My brother has brought his fiancee from another country back to our hometown. Of course, she does not have family there, so there is no one to give her a wedding shower. My brother would like my mother to give her a shower, but mom knows that it may not be proper for her to do so. We also don't know who would come to a shower, because our family does not yet know the bride, and my brother has very few female friends.

I feel that a shower is usually attended by people who are close to the bride, and that the groom's extended family members attend mostly out of courtesy. It would be too bad if they went to all the effort and the turnout was minimal. Still, I want this young lady to have a very special wedding with all the trimmings, so I hate for her to be deprived of a shower. (Note: I live quite far away and would not be able to host or attend.)

What kind of suggestions can I give my brother? He looks to me as a sort of wedding planner and I am also the Maid of Honor. What if he held a "meet and greet" party so that both male and female family and friends could come over in an open-house fashion for coffee or cocktails - no gifts implied? Would this be enough to take the place of a shower, or should a shower actually be given? Thanks!

- Groom's Sister

Dear Groom's Sister,

You're right. A shower, in these circumstances, is the opposite of a good idea. Showers are boundlessly devilish. They seem innocent, masquerading as simple parties, but roiling beneath the facade are all kinds of protocols and issues. Fundamentally, the fact that these festivities demand that their guests bring presents for the bride creates an aura of intimacy that, for people who have never met the bride, is at the very least uncomfortable-making.

This does not mean that your brother and his fiancee don't deserve a party. Parties are to be encouraged; just avoid the word "shower" and all its connotations. Any other kind of fete is fine: an engagement party, an all-purpose cocktail party, or even a meet-the-bride-to-be party (though the latter makes it sound as if everyone will gather around and examine her teeth and measure how many hands high she stands).

Really, showers are far from necessary and in some cases, may be more complicated than they are pleasurable. Traditions don't exist (purely) to create pain or discomfort and if you find yourself feeling queasy about this one, it is much better to jettison it than to fret. There are plenty of ways to celebrate without this particular party genre.

Some will ask: how much can a word really matter? And perhaps it is strange to fixate on semantics when parties seem so interchangeable, but I say language is always important, especially when the dread word "shower" appears. It can't be tossed around the way that lighter words such as "cocktails" can. Spare yourself and your future sister-in-law any potential awkwardness, steer clear of the shower and indulge in more all-purpose celebrations.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:27 PM    <link>

FAMILY AMBITIONS

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I are just beginning to plan our wedding. He's always imagined having a big blowout, while I can't fathom having more than a simple affair. We're working out a compromise, but the divide runs deeper into our families in a way that has me a little worried. I've always been extremely independent and never imagined asking my parents to chip in on something like my wedding. His family is traditional and assumes the bride's family would want to pay.

My mother feels that that we're adults, and says she's surprised that I would want a wedding I'd need help paying for. She also said she would like to chip in, but my father has the money to spare. While he can be generous, I have learned never to ask him for money. He doesn't like being told what to do. I understand; most of the time I'm the same way.

I'm perfectly satisfied having a small budget, and my fiance and I could pay for a small wedding out of our own pockets, but he's feeling a little sad that he can't have the wedding of his dreams. The tentative plan is to have it at his grandparents' house, in his hometown, where his extended family is happy to help with planning, logistics, and possibly some financing. My mother told me that she would want to be involved in the planning if she and my dad were to chip in. This is reasonable, but they live in a different state, which would make such involvement difficult. I'm also concerned that his family could get resentful that they're chipping in so much, in so many ways while it's the bride's family who is "supposed" to throw the wedding.

Do you have any advice on how to keep our differing families balanced? They're all really good people, and I don't want them to think poorly of each other before they even meet.

Thanks for your thoughts,

- Great Expectations

Dear Great Expectations,

The second rule of amusement park attendance (after "You must be this tall…") is that you should never strap yourself in if you don't want to ride the roller coaster. This applies to weddings as well. It's awful the way that everything comes down to money and guilt- two of the most powerful weapons in any parent's arsenal- but you don't have to get on this ride if you don't want to.

First, forget tradition. You and your fiance have already disposed of it by deciding to marry at your fiance's grandparents' house. While the bride's family was "traditionally" responsible for the wedding, weddings were also "traditionally" held on the bride's family's turf. This choice alone frees you from the standard "who pays for what" rules.

Remember, you have choices. You could opt not to deal with your family at all. Your fiance must be sympathetic to your situation and you could offer him as much money as is comfortable for you, and he and his family could make choices from there. As I've said before, there is no shame in not having money, nor is there anything wrong with turning down money if the emotional costs are too great.

Given the scenario, I can't blame you for not wanting to ask your parents for help. I do wonder, however, why your mother feels you should be the only one to ask your father for financial help if she feels so strongly about being part of the planning. Perhaps she is worried about you just asking for a big check, in which case maybe it would better if you suggested specific things that they could be in charge of (with you) and pay for. I am thinking of things they could handle remotely: your dress or the invitations, for instance.

Wrestling two families with different perspectives into agreement is a horror. Given your anxieties, you are smart not to ignore the difficulties. Realize that you are not the only one making choices. Your fiance and his family can choose to spend as much as they like on the wedding, as can your parents. All you have to do is offer what you can, be helpful and gracious, and make no apologies. Beyond that, you have no control over what your fiance's parents think or what your parents do.

In the end, you may be surprised. Strange things are important to people. If you gently present your parents with specific choices of how they can contribute, of what will happen with or without their help, they may come through in ways you don't expect.

Good luck. Remember that you don't need to compromise yourself for the wedding; you only need to be honest about what you can do.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:47 AM    <link>

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