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Wednesday, December 29, 2004

DOWRIES, WHO NEEDS 'EM?
-AND-
THE ART OF PRESENTS

Dear Elise,

My question is about the most difficult topic: money.

I was raised in a family where presents are very thoughtful. Both my boyfriend's parents and mine have similar backgrounds-- hard work over time helped both get from poverty to riches. His family is even better off than mine, but the gifts they give are just plain *awful*. Last Christmas they got me a cheap, corny mug!

I got his parents a digital camera last Christmas; this year, my boyfriend and I bought them tickets to Hawaii. I can't stand that they are so cheap. My boyfriend, who gets extremely defensive of his parents, says their spending habits were the path to their wealth, and that's just how they handle their money. My mom says their behavior is a reflection of ignorance stemming from greed. Why are they so greedy? Why shouldn't I expect nice presents? My family gets my boyfriend very nice presents that he actually enjoys. Why should I settle for $10 garbage?

We are planning to be engaged soon, and already the issues of wedding expenses and the wedding gift are causing a lot of arguments. In my family, it is customary for the groom's family to provide the bride's family with expensive presents. In return, the bride's family pays for the wedding. More importantly, the groom's family should also provide the newlyweds with a house to help us start a family. Knowing how cheap his parents are, I know that I can forget about the jewelry for me, my mom, my sister, etc., but I do feel that they need to at least give us a big down payment for a house ($30k+). My boyfriend is already on the defensive about his parents and thinks that they probably won't give us more than $5k, and he doesn't want to ask them for more because they don't usually talk about money.

His parents obviously have money. His parents buy nice presents for their son and their daughter, but when it comes to me, I feel like I get the cheap random stuff. My mom says if she had that money, she wouldn't even think twice about giving it to me. Why don't his parents think this way? I feel like they are so cheap because they're greedy.

I don't want to argue over money so much anymore. Please help me.

Thank you,
Money Trouble

Dear Trouble,

If you don't want money to be a problem, don't make it into one. I'm not being overly simplistic. In this case (and actually in almost all cash-centric situations), you can only control your expectations of others, not their relative generosity. So the short solution is: don't assume you have something coming to you, and you won't be disappointed if it doesn't show up. No one is obliged to give anyone anything. That is why these things are called "presents" and not "salaries."

It seems that you're really facing two separate issues: one is about talent and family and the other is about culture.

Presents can be supremely annoying. They're often better left as nice mysteries tied up in pretty paper and ribbon because underneath lurks something utterly useless. Gift giving really is a skill, requiring imagination, empathy and some knowledge of the recipient. Some people, perhaps your future in-laws, are handicapped in this department. (It isn't uncommon. A relative of mine occasionally sent presents of things she made from recycled materials. We never figured out what to do with the oversize baseball hat made of a Clorox bottle and yarn that arrived for my sibling.) Along with talent, you must realize that presents touch on the very essence of the family in question. Your boyfriend's parents may not feel you are part of their family until you are married. Perhaps they are waiting to give you "real" presents until they know you are around for good. Regardless, try not to take the mug (or whatever this year's offering was) too seriously as a "sign" of approval or disapproval. If you're upset that your presents for your boyfriend's parents are more expensive and thoughtful than theirs to you, you can always scale back your own purchases and let your boyfriend be entirely responsible for his family. If they won't play, you don't have to either.

Your other complaint, about what you feel your boyfriend's family will "owe" your family for the cost of the wedding has to do with culture, not etiquette. Your family traditionally exchanges expensive presents and historically buys houses for the wedding couple, but you write, I presume, with the understanding that this is not what everyone does. My family decorates its Christmas tree with broken toys and eating utensils that were mangled by a disposal unit, but I hardly imagine this is universally embraced.

The hard truth of this is that if you really feel you have to maintain this tradition, so much that you can't forgive your boyfriend or his family for not taking part in it, you may have to find a different fiance – one who comes from a background and culture more similar to yours. There is simply no way to politely tell your future in-laws that they must make a thirty thousand dollar investment in your home, or even a five thousand dollar one.

At bottom, you would do well to relax your expectations. You are contemplating starting a new life with someone you love and now may be the moment for you to cast aside these ingrained and insular requirements. Very few cultures in the United States operate with a dowry system and perhaps it is just as well they don't.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:11 PM    <link>

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT MEDDLING...
FUTURE FATHER-IN-LAW

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married in July. So far, planning the wedding has been a walk in the park (for which I am VERY grateful), except for one nagging issue. My future father-in-law is behaving rather strangely. He keeps making "suggestions" about what we should do for the wedding.

At a recent party, he told me and my fiance we needed to send save-the-date cards. I explained that since everyone on the (already set) guest list were close friends or family who live a maximum of 20 miles away, they already knew the date and we were just going to send the invitations a little bit earlier to give people time to plan. After I said this, he said, "Well, your guest list has been growing," implying that he had people he wanted to add. I wanted to scream, because the guest list is already larger than my fiance or I wanted, but we were trying to accommodate our parents and be flexible. So, we decided to send the save the date cards to force his hand and finalize the guest list.

On Thanksgiving, he announced: "I have something to tell you that may affect your feelings about your cake vendor." He said that someone's Thanksgiving cookies from this company were delivered late and that we needed to pick a new vendor (I had already put down a deposit) because clearly this one wasn't reliable. We are an extremely organized couple and have done lots of research into every vendor we have chosen. Things have only gotten worse. He never has anything nice to say about the wedding and repeatedly tells me all of the ways in which everything can go wrong.

How should I politely respond to these "suggestions" and in a way that satisfies him and keeps me from losing my mind? I can't stand having someone second guess every move I make and then get insulted when I don't do exactly what he says! My fiance says his dad has always been this way, but never to this degree. I need a way to put him off without being rude! Help!

Thank you!

Holding My Tongue

Dear Holding,

Your future father-in-law seems to be suffering from one of a few possible afflictions. He is either bored, trying to be helpful or wants desperately to be involved in the high times that he imagines his son's nuptial planning must be and get the attendant bragging rights. Can you imagine him tilting back in his chair and opining about his choices of music or describing how he saved you from the Cake Nightmare with the same energy he might describe, say, wresting you from the slavering jaws of a wolverine? Never underestimate how much people like to be the center of a story.

I'll leave it to you to diagnose your fiance's father (if you have a spare hour). I suspect that he doesn't really mean to be a bully, rather, his criticisms are merely dad-ish and unfortunately it makes you feel that he's questioning your judgment. While he probably means no harm, the question remains: what are you going to do about responding to him? Surely there is only so much tongue-biting one can reasonably expect to do in a lifetime.

Cover your bases and protect yourself with a three-pronged plan of action. First, reveal nothing. Do not give this man any information if you can possibly help it. Speak in generalities and don't volunteer anything. That way he can't really weigh in on your choices in a way that will be too annoying. Then, you should come up with a variety of stock responses. To something like vendor criticisms, you can respond with bland but interested (sounding) pronouncements such as: "Thank you for letting me know about that, I had no idea." These should indicate no action on your part, by the way. Never give him the indication that you will alter your plans, unless you mean to.

Finally, ask your fiance if he thinks his father may want a "job." If you delegate some task or project to him, he may become interested and absorbed enough that he leaves you alone in other ways. If you're serving alcohol, for instance, he could select the wine you serve. If you want to have parking for everyone, perhaps he could make those arrangements. In order for this last suggestion to work, though, you must be prepared to relinquish control over an area of the wedding, so be sure it is something in which you either want help or are truly not deeply invested.

I know how difficult it is to feel you are being second guessed and it is truly infuriating to have carefully built plans questioned, but you are best off keeping the peace, keeping your own counsel as much as possible and being as gracious and non-communicative as you can be.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 11:54 AM    <link>

MAIL MERGE

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are working on our save-the-date cards for our July wedding. We are getting married in a national park 3 hours outside of Seattle so we want to give plenty of notice to everyone. I was hoping to send handmade save-the-date postcards in January, shortly after the holidays. Now my fiance says he'd like to send holiday cards and include the save-the-dates as an enclosure. I prefer to send holiday cards in mid December and then wait at least 2 weeks to send out the save-the-dates. It seems to me that combining the two detracts from the whole point of holiday cards and makes them seem "all about us." On the other hand, it will be a bit odd for people who haven't received any mail from us in years (if at all) to get 2 different mailings in a matter of a couple of weeks. And we both are in favor of the simplicity and ecological benefit of saving paper and postage.

Neither one of has really been in the habit of sending holiday cards in the first place, and the whole idea of save-the-date announcements was news to me, too. Do you think it's tacky to include these wedding announcements in our holiday cards? Or am I fretting unnecessarily? I imagine as the wedding plans evolve, this will be the least of our concerns!

Signed,
Save the Holidays

Dear Save,

You're contemplating merging a time-honored card tradition (holiday greetings) with a relatively recent stationery development (save-the-date cards). The reason you're getting hung up is that each of these cards serves a very different purpose, and each threatens to distract from the other.

Don't contort yourself looking for reasons that people might be confused or cranky about a mailing with two messages. No reasonable person could possibly think that you and your fiance's inclusion of a save the date card in a holiday greeting could possibly be an attempt to co-opt anything. You should also not worry about overwhelming people with mail. If it isn't a bill, a computer catalogue, or a request for a charitable donation, your friends will be happy.

The only hurdle you have to accept with your plan is that, under the best of circumstances, people are distracted and only remember a fragment of what they read. At this time of year, I suspect detail retention is at its annual low. If you want people to remember to save your date, you may want to send out a separate mailing.

Perhaps I am taking a rather dim view of humanity (or at least its attention span), but I won't back down. Your guests' potential failure to register important information is the only reason I can imagine you might hesitate to do a combined mailing.

Don't worry about what your guests will think of this decision. All you are doing here is spreading information (and goodwill) and there is nothing to be ashamed of about that – regardless of whether you use one or two stamps to get your message across.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 9:53 AM    <link>

WHICH IS MORE QUESTIONABLE:
THE BELATED RECEPTION or THE GROOM?

Dear Elise,

Our daughter is getting married on December 31st without our blessing. She is planning to hold a large formal reception in August 2005. I don't believe this is proper, could you tell me the proper etiquette for belated wedding receptions? Thanks

- Hurting

Dear Hurting,

There is an easy answer to your question, but not to your larger problem. It is indeed a sorry thing to be pained by your child's nuptials. I only wish your concerns were as easy to address as your query.

Your daughter's decision to have a small wedding and a large, after-the-fact reception is not particularly whimsical or unusual. People do this for more reasons than I can imagine. They elope, for example, or have tiny destination weddings, City Hall quickies, or private ceremonies, and then feel obliged and even excited to have receptions that include larger circles of friends and family.

This is nothing new. One can even find "traditional" formal language for an invitation to a late reception.

Bride's Parents' Names
Request the pleasure of your company
At a reception for
Bride's Name and Groom's Name

Of course, this is the most formal language; ultimately the invitation can come from the bride and groom (or anyone else) and be phrased with all kinds of creativity.

I suspect this wasn't the answer you were hoping for. Were you hoping to dissuade your daughter from having this reception? Of course, I don't know Thing One about your objections to your daughter's choice, but I would urge you to consider the state of affairs. If the fiance is truly dreadful, your child will surely need your love and support more than ever. If he is tolerable, or actually kind of great but not the person you had in mind for your daughter, you can be relieved that she found someone with whom she feels at home and happy.

I am very sorry you find yourself so disappointed. From an etiquette perspective, your daughter's nuptial choices are quite solid. I can only hope that you can find some peace with what is clearly a sad situation.

Cheers,

Elise


posted by Elise at 8:17 AM    <link>

BACHELORETTETIQUETTE

Dear Elise,

A few of my friends are planning a low-key bachelorette-type evening out in New York sometime in the next few months. I'm not sure whom to invite, though, given the wedding invitation arrangements. We're planning a wedding with family and close friends and are also planning an informal party after wedding, to which we'll invite all of our friendly acquaintances.

So, is it OK to invite some of these acquaintances to the bachelorette party (they wouldn't be required to travel, buy a gift, or spend money on anything very extravagant) even though they won't be invited to the wedding? Ideally, I would like to explain the wedding situation to each one personally, but I now live far from campus and don't get to see my grad school friends as much as I once did (another reason why I'd love to see them at my bachelorette party). I don't want to create any false expectations or hurt feelings.

Thanks,

Feeling Unfriendsavvy

Dear Feeling,

As I've remarked, the etiquette of bachelorette affairs is murky at best, so while it is to your credit that you're concerned about the best way to handle your friends, understand that you've wandered into something of a no-man's-land. Why is there so little formal etiquette for bachelorette parties? The entire notion is oxymoronic. To the extent that there is a tradition (and yours, as I understand it, won't be following this trend), these events are intended to be transgressive and rude. Applying codes of manners seems rather like trying to wash your floors while a New Year's Eve dance party is going on.

But your worries are reasonable and I think you are free to generate any kind of guest list for this party, regardless of who attends the wedding, as long as it is not (all together now) a shower. I don't quite understand why you feel you can't explain to your friends that you're having separate wedding and reception events, but there wouldn't be anything wrong with sending out a "save the date" card inviting them to the reception. You could also call or write to them and, invite them to your reception and your bachelorette party all at once.

The key, with these informal situations, is not to be coy. What is wrong with having a tiny wedding? Nothing. What is wrong with having a larger reception after the fact? Nothing at all. Enjoy all your parties and if you're up front about everything, no one needs to feel hurt, unless she (or he) is looking for it in the first place.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 10:18 AM    <link>

CALLING IT OFF

Dear Elise,

I was wondering if you could be of some much-needed assistance. I am 24 years old, and I recently proposed to the wonderful young woman I have been seeing for 2 and a half years. I am fortunate to be close to her family and she with mine. I love her dearly and I can't imagine being without her. However, right after proposing I had this intense inner desire to pull away (call it a spiritual awakening or a gut feeling- I don't know). I have repeatedly tried to dismiss it as nerves and the like but it has even driven me to the point of routine vomiting and sleepless nights. It is physically and emotionally taking a toll on me and while I love her dearly I cannot continue like this. Is there some way that I could approach a break-off that could somehow salvage the integrity of our relationship and offer some sort of chance for reconciliation (strictly as friends)?

Thank you for your time and patience,

Unhappy

Dear Unhappy,

You have all of my sympathies. More than one person close to me has been in your position and I am well aware of how wrenching this decision can be. It likely sounds rather Polyanna-ish while you're suffering such extreme psychic and gastric distress, but breaking off your engagement is worlds better than ending a marriage.

Yours is a matter of the heart more than manners. From an etiquette perspective, your main responsibility is to be respectful of your now-fiancee's feelings while not leading her on. Gently be direct, uncritical and firm in your decision, and do your best to listen to her. Do this soon. You do not, under any circumstances, want to wander any further down the garden path of wedding planning. Since the word of your engagement is probably out already, you might offer to contact people and explain that the engagement has been broken off. This will spare her somewhat having to repeat her story over and over again.

By the by, if you have actually gone so far as to send out invitations, you can advise your un-guests of the cancellation by mail. (Though if the wedding date is truly upon you, guests will need to be told over the phone or in person.) The traditional language for a canceled wedding card would revise the original format of the invitation. Depending on whose names were used as the "hosts" (be it bride's parents, groom's parents or the wedding couple), the card would read.

Bride's Name and Groom's Name
announce that their marriage
will not take place.

Enough said. The whys and wherefores are nobody's business, and you certainly don't have to supply the curious with information.

As to whether you and your fiancee can preserve your friendship (or even your romantic relationship), this is beyond your control. She is her own person and will need to take care of herself. Even if the wedding is just postponed (you haven't said if you want to end the relationship), she may simply not be able to handle any sort of contact with you, either temporarily or eternally. There is only so much influence you can have, and her feelings are really her own to take care of.

You're not alone in feeling this way. You may find some comfort in the threads on Indiebride's Kvetch section that are dedicated to Second Thoughts. Take comfort in the fact that people are not as fragile as we suppose them to be. What you are doing is very hard. Take heart and be kind.

Good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:21 PM    <link>

CAN ONE PUT A SOCK IN IT?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning our wedding for the middle of next year. I absolutely can't wait to marry him, but every time I think about the wedding I get knots in my stomach because of what he told me happened at his 2nd wedding. His younger brother laughed at the bride's sister because she was fat, and it his other brothers (he has 4 in all) follow.

I am a plus size woman and have no plans on getting skinny for his family. Also, several attendants and guests are plus size (some very much so), and I would die for them to feel bad about their weight because they are beautiful people. I have not met most of his family in person, because they live in another state, therefore I don't feel it's proper for me to speak to them about this. My fiance said he'll warn his brothers but it may not help because it didn't help the last time. Should I pre-warn my plus size family and friends of the rude behavior they may encounter or keep it from them just in case the brothers finally listen to their big brother?

My fiance makes excuses for his brother because he suffers from mental illness (and has a contagious laugh), but I hate to let rudeness fall under an excuse. Please let me know of some way to ease the pain I fear is going to fall upon people I love on the day that I have waited for all my life. Also, I'm not sure if it's going to matter in your answer but our wedding is going to be small and intimate so it's not like I'll have tons of things to distract the rude brothers.

Thank you,

Intolerant of Rudness

Dear Intolerant,

"The absence in others is not our fault," sniffed one of my high school English teachers when faced with some unspeakable behavior. I can't begin to recall what inspired Ms. F's remark, but what she meant is that there is nothing one can do about the bad behavior of others. The "absence" to which she referred could be any grand shortcoming: manners, intelligence, sensitivity, kindness, humor, you name it.

It may be hard to swallow, but responding to rudeness in kind won't get you far. This particular brand of bad behavior is, in fact, pitiable: these brothers are handicapped with appalling senses of humor. While it wouldn't hurt if your fiance took another stab at explaining to his siblings how not to be offensive (and he probably should), I think you must prepare for the possibility that his message won't get across.

You can try to cut down the possibility of an outburst. If you are having one, a rehearsal event (dinner, cocktails, dessert, etc.) could work to your advantage: your husband-to-be's antic brother could see and even meet your friends and family ahead of time, which may make him less inclined to explode with laughter at the wedding. Your idea of warning your friends about the brother may not help much. If you're lucky, and he keeps his mouth shut, you've planted seeds of misery that will get this guy nasty looks, even if he controls himself; if he remains obnoxious, they will hate him anyway.

At bottom, the bad behavior of your future brothers-in-law only reflects poorly on them. If you find your friends are insulted, you can of course make apologies, but there is only so much you can do to ward off some kinds of badness. You can't keep your future-brother-in-law in check much more than you can manipulate weather patterns. No matter what happens, you will be all right. Anticipate the worst, but don't fear it. Occasionally, one realizes that a primary objective of family is to be embarrassing. Hold your head high and remember that the worse they are, the better you look.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 11:22 AM    <link>

SOMEWHAT MORE RELIABLE THAN A MAGIC 8-BALL

Dear Elise,

I have decided to plan a destination wedding that will probably cost each of my guests to spend at least $500 between airfare and lodging. I don't want a big wedding, so I'm actually counting on the price tag factor to keep people away. My problem is that I have no idea how many of the 100 invitees will show.

Do you think it would be rude to contact all of my guests, before I have even set a date, to find out who might attend so that I can figure out what size place to book, etc? If I do contact everyone, how should I approach the subject? Should I just assume a certain percentage will accept the invitation and just plan around that number? Any other ideas on how to go about calculating the number of anticipated guests?

Thanks,

Guest Calculator

Dear Calculator,

Your query strays somewhat from the issue of etiquette, into the purview of wedding planning, but these are legitimate concerns and you are being gracious, as well as practical.

It would not be at all rude for you to contact your guests, advise them of your plans, and ask them what they suspect they might do. Think of this as a "Save the Date" card with an information-gathering agenda. The difficulty you will have is that people tend to be optimistic about long-term plans and may not immediately let you know that they can't attend. Even people who know they cannot afford to go may not be able to immediately admit their limitations. True confession: Once upon a time, it took me two weeks to say that I would be unable to get to Tobago. It sounded like such a kick, but one with which my bank account took issue.

You should also talk to your potential wedding venues to see how flexible they are about the number of guests you have, if the spaces they offer can work for crowds of varying sizes, and especially how far in advance they need to know your head count. You may have to print your invitations with a much earlier "RSVP Date" than is customary to accommodate both your sanity and your venue's requirements. (The usual recommendation is to request responses two-to-three weeks before the wedding, depending on the caterer's needs.)

Good luck, be flexible and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:18 AM    <link>

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