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Monday, January 31, 2005

ELOPE-A-RAMA
3 QUESTIONS / ONE THEME

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have decided to take a huge road trip from Dallas to Niagara Falls for our wedding. We are incredibly excited about our trip, but we have hit one big hitch: other people.

We have at least 10 people who are willing to fly into Buffalo from all over the US to see us get married, but we don't know if we should have a reception here at home. If so, when? I don't even know if we should register since we are, in essence, eloping... with guests.

Please help. I don't want to be a jerk. Like a masochist in a barrel, I'm--

-Niagara Bound

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I just got engaged on Christmas day. I am from San Francisco and my fiance is from England (where I now also live). We initially decided to get married in Santa Barbara and have a beach ceremony with a reception at a hall, a tent, dancing, etc. My family does not have much money, so my fiance and I would have to pay for everything.

There are a lot of issues. His mother doesn’t want to travel so far. She is afraid she will be on her own while we are busy planning and she is also having foot surgery around that time. My mom is mentally ill. It sounds horrible, but I am worried that she will say and do things during the wedding to embarrass me. Also, flights for the UK guests are very expensive, so the pressure is high to have a big production of a wedding.

My fiance and I looked through our honeymoon magazines and we started thinking we could get married in the Caribbean, have a smaller reception in CA, honeymoon in Tahiti and then throw another small reception in England. It is much cheaper to elope.

Is it rude to elope? Does the having a reception when we return make up for the fact that we did not have the ceremony with family?

I would love any advice you could give!

- UK/CA

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I want to elope then have a party afterward, which I think is an awesome idea since I have only one family member who is blind and won’t be attending. This is not setting well with his mother, who already thinks I'm a twit, wants a traditional upper middle class expensive get together. We don’t want to have this type of wedding, but I have heard from friends if you step on a mother in laws toes, you will regret it for years to come. How do we get what we want without hurting her and her family’s feelings?

- Stuck in a corner

Dear Niagara Bound, UK/CA and Stuck,

Other people are the problem. How often I've contemplated that truism. And weddings, of all things, often encourage people to be even more problematic than they ordinarily are.

There is nothing at all wrong with eloping. It is a practice with a considerable history, and while perhaps it was born of rebellion, now it is just something that people do because it suits their whims and personalities, saves them money, or is just convenient.

As with any wedding, you will have to brace yourselves for complaints. Some people will feel entitled to be at your wedding regardless of your plans, and will give you an earful about it. Your relatives may cringe at your decision, but fundamentally, it is all up to you and you don't have to justify it in any way. Keep this in mind, UK/CA. The best reason to ditch your big plans and have a Caribbean beach wedding is that you want to. If you want a foolproof way to elope and keep your families happy, I'm afraid you're on your own. You aren't doing anything wrong, but your decision may cost something in terms of goodwill. Be prepared for this sort of lament, and you can perhaps mend damaged feelings at your subsequent celebrations.

Stuck in a Corner, I'm afraid you will have to accept the likelihood that your elopement will disappoint your future mother-in-law. If she wants to be involved with your wedding and you're bent on eloping (which, by definition, will exclude her), then you're at a stalemate. You could offer her a compromise: let her plan a local party for her family and friends that fills her social obligations. It might be the kind of concession that makes this pill easier for her to choke down.

So, what are the guidelines? There aren't many. Niagara Bound, you can elope and have a party (or parties) afterwards. You can also register for presents, but your friends and family may or may not be inclined to offer gifts, as they might in the case of a traditional wedding. It all depends on how traditional your guests are and how they feel about eloping. Finally, it is generally not polite to send out announcements before you get married. You don't want to seem to be taunting people with your choice. When you get back, however, feel free to send out announcements and party invitations and enjoy a low-pressure celebration.

Congratulations and best of luck to all,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:55 PM    <link>

PLUS ONES?

Hi Elise,

My mother and I are creating the guest list for my wedding reception. Unfortunately, to keep costs down, we have to cull the list. We are wondering if, when, and how we should invite single friends to bring dates to the reception. Of course we plan to invite the partners (live-ins, long-term relationships, etc.) of our single friends by name on their invitations if we know or know of them, but what about single friends who aren't dating any particular person seriously?

Should we invite "John Smith and Guest," or just "John Smith" and leave the RSVP card blank so that he can add the name of a guest? My mother thinks our single friends won't feel like they can bring a date unless we say so on the invitation, and that we should invite them to bring a date so that they have more fun. I think that adding "and Guest" creates a compulsion to bring a date and leaving the RSVP card blank is enough to indicate an open invitation. And to be honest, I'm not upset if our single friends don't bring a date if there is no relationship. I know that sounds cruel, but if all our unattached friends bring dates we can't invite a dozen or so other close friends because of a limit on guests.

What do you think? Thanks for your ideas,

- Too Many Plus Ones

Dear Too Many,

Beating the guest list into something like submission is one of the most exhausting parts of wedding planning, but I suspect you and your mother are confused because you don't realize that you have two perfectly acceptable choices and it is really a matter of selecting one.

Traditional etiquette makes allowances for your guest list problem. You are right, of course, to invite friends' spouses and any significant others you know. You are not at all required to encourage people to bring random dates. If you want, you can easily use this policy to reduce your guest list. It is perfectly acceptable. In fact, such authorities as Miss Manners are emphatic about not including strangers or casual dates at your wedding, though of course, the final decision is yours.

There isn't really any middle ground here. You either opt to include "plus ones" or you don't. The only danger you face is if you try to achieve an awkward middle ground where you allow some folks to bring unknown guests and deny others the privilege. Consistency, as always, is the name of the game.

You can go the other way and encourage everyone to bring dates, but if this is not your style or if you're trying to save money, space, and preserve intimacy, install some limits. Pick a policy and stick with it. That way, no matter how people fill in their RSVP cards, you can be prepared to welcome strangers or explain that you can't accommodate them.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:53 PM    <link>

DANGEROUS TRIO: LOVE AND MONEY AND FAMILY

Dear Elise,

After dating for 4 years, my fiance and I are getting married in June. The wedding preparations haven't gone smoothly. His parents had always been wonderful to me until we started planning the wedding. My family is very wealthy; his is not.

This has never been a problem for us, but it has suddenly become overwhelming for his family. I wanted to get married somewhere unique and have an intimate wedding. At first we had a guest list of 50 people, but relatives of his who were not invited got offended. We changed venues because his family thought the first was too expensive and made them uncomfortable, (even though my family was paying for everything). Finally my mother booked a stone castle my fiance and I love.

Unfortunately, his family feels it's too far away (an hour). My Matron of Honor (one of his sisters) might not want to be in the wedding because my family is "rich" and feels intimidated. My fiance's niece is in the wedding, but her mother says she can't afford a dress, even though she took her daughter to Disney World for 2 weeks earlier this year. Now his parents say they can't afford to pay for a rehearsal dinner.

My family was willing to change the location again, invite the offended cousins, and my fiance and I said that we would pay for the rehearsal dinner, but his folks are still complaining. Nothing gets resolved. My mother has reached out to them, but they won't meet her and say they feel like hicks, which they aren't! With the wedding not that far away, and everything up in the air, I am desperate for some advice. Thank you!

- There's No Winning

Dear No Winning,

You can't say you didn't make an effort. We are wandering off the well-tended grounds of etiquette and into a kind of thorny area where family tends to reside, so beware: there are precious few closely held rules here.

You have come up with a series of wedding scenarios, all of which you will pay for, and have tried to secure "approval" for these plans from your fiance's family. At every turn you have been rebuffed. Now you feel you are back at the beginning. What can you do?

Just because these people are being pills doesn't mean you don't hold the cards. You do, in fact, since your family is not only paying for the wedding, but has done all the research as well. All you can do now is pull out this golden phrase, six words that will get you through. If I had time, I'd needlepoint a little sampler pillow of it for you. When you come face to face with any more of this recalcitrant behavior, fake shyness or whininess, say: I'm Sorry You Feel That Way.

Then go and have the wedding you want. This will require some determination from both you and your fiance, but it is the only way to get his family to stop jerking you around. Brace yourself for disappointment. If your fiance's niece can't come because her family spent their disposable income at Disney World, they're entitled; you can find a replacement or do without. If his parents won't throw a rehearsal dinner, you can have one yourself, just meet for drinks, or skip it entirely. They want to exert some kind of control over you, and they have managed admirably. If you're sick of it, don't rise to their challenge. Pull the plug.

I hope you have the wedding you have worked for. It is entirely possible. Remember, no matter how old people are, they can still be treated as if they were children. Don't give them too many choices and if they have to get a "Time Out," they probably needed it anyway.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:55 PM    <link>

TAKING COVER FROM SHOWERS
A DOUBLE BILL

Hi Elise,

So far, our loving family and friends have made four offers of bridal-shower type things!

I would not really enjoy traditional "lingerie" or other standard showers that "prepared me for a women's duties." However, my philosophy is to be grateful instead of refusing anything that is offered with such love and kindness.

One friend proposed a co-ed shindig that sounds fabulous and would include my partner; another has proposed a women-only "goddess retreat"; and my beloved aunt has also asked for "the honor" of having a "do" for me with "the girls." (This one would also be very Jewish, which is important to me.) Also, a cousin-in-law I hardly know has offered me what I assume will be a more traditional shower, but I would gladly accept it if it would please her and my future Mother-In-Love/Law, who is close to her.

If four are offered, is it better etiquette to 1) accept each kind offer gracefully and enjoy them? 2) Pick the one or two that are most meaningful to me and tell the others "thanks, but there are already two"? 3) Invite the two I refuse, or any future offerers, to join into the others if they wish (or might that be rudely imposing on the people who are already throwing parties? I don't want to force them to accept help from strangers.) 4) Something else?

Thanks much,

- Woman With Overjoyed Family

Dear Elise,

Help!!!!! I have been asked to host a "Honey Do Shower" for my nephew and his fiancee. They are in their mid-twenties. I would like to do so but really do not know what a "Honey Do Shower" is supposed to be. Could you give me a start so I can throw a meaningful event for the couple? Is there some type of game or entertainment customary? Is there to be a theme for gifts? Is this is a couple shower or not? Is it geared more to the honey or the doer?

I thank you in advance for your assistance.

- Honey What?

Dear Overjoyed and Honey What,

I recognized a certain kinship in your letters, even as they came from opposite sides of the shower spectrum (one receiving the other pitching). The overwhelming nature of these parties is proved time and again when people write in, completely unsure what to do, how to accept, or how to throw these events.

As we saw in "Present Mania" (October 1, 2004), it is indeed entirely possible to have too many showers and wedding-related parties. Not only will your guests feel somewhat taken advantage-of, you, Overjoyed, will be absolutely swamped and unable to do anything but compose thank you notes for the rest of your natural life. Ideally, you would have one or two showers, preferably with distinct groups of people invited to each (perhaps one could be for extended family and the other more for friends). This would prevent your guests from feeling obliged to come up with presents for every occasion. Take counsel, select the two most disparate shower offers, and apologize gratefully to your other prospective hosts. I would not advise trying to fix up hosts or hostesses in any kind of team-entertaining scenarios. It seems like a good idea, but it is actually a minefield. No one really wants to share entertaining with a stranger (or near-stranger). If someone wants to be a host, he or she wants to call the shots.

While there are of course as many kinds of wedding showers as there are weddings, I have to admit to being a bit put off by the weird and wild shower themes that have been proliferating of late. A "Honey Do" shower is a shower predicated on a few curious assumptions. The name, as you have probably already surmised comes from the quaint expression, presumably spoken by the wife in the couple: "Honey, do ___." You can fill in the blank with a task. It relies on the certainty that one of the members of the wedding couple is handy around the house, that the newlywed couple's home will be coming apart at the seams and in desperate need of repair, and that the handyperson in the relationship needs a good set of tools.

I exaggerate somewhat, of course, but here are the bare bones of this sort of shindig. In general, "Honey Do" showers do tend to be co-ed and focused on home maintenance (rather than other popular "feminine" shower themes such as the kitchen or sex). Couples often register for this type of shower, so that guests can get them the tools they need, but beyond that hosts don't have to institute specific games or themes beyond the obvious overarching one, but if you want to, you can go to town.

One variation on the home repair theme is towards turning the husband into something of a domestic servant (giving him a personal massager and demanding relaxing rubdowns or a frying pan so that he can fix French toast on weekends, that sort of thing. Frankly, "Honey Do" showers have a rather discomforting effect on me, but for reasons that are personal, unrelated to etiquette.

Does this help? At bottom, showers are nothing more than parties with presents and the general rule for parties, no matter what themes or games are employed to dress them up or disguise them is to plan for fun, not take advantage of your guests, and (if you're the guest of honor) be prepared to write thank you notes.

Cheers and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:01 AM    <link>

SHADES OF WHITE

Dear Elise,

Is it necessary for my veil and dress to match? I have a white veil and an ivory dress. Do I need to have the veil dyed to match or is this color combo acceptable?

Thanks!

Through Tulle Darkly

Dear Through Tulle,

I know you will be shocked, shocked to hear that traditional dress and veil combinations match. Matching is often the way of things, really. It is just fulfilling our primate appreciation of symmetry that we pair clothing that goes together. Perhaps it preserves the illusion that there is some order in the universe.

That said, the key that will answer your question is this: do you care? If the white / ivory discrepancy doesn't bother you, then you don't have to do a thing, if it makes your teeth itch, consider dying the veil. The last thing you want is photographs that make you cringe. If you're uncertain, try taking a couple of pictures to see how you feel about the way the multiple shades look in photographs.

If you leave things as they are, you aren't violating any rules of etiquette, and I would never speak for those of fashion, which are too changeable and eccentric for me to understand. Do what you like and what feels comfortable and be prepared to shrug off anyone who dares quibble with your choices. You are the bride after all, what you say about what you wear goes.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 11:06 AM    <link>

FIRST DANCE FRACAS

Dear Elise,

While I am now happily married, and my wedding was great, I still have a nagging issue. My girlfriend got engaged a few months after I did, and planned her wedding for two weeks after mine. I had no issues with that, and thought it would be fun. About 3 months before my wedding, she asked what song we would use for our first dance. My husband wanted to pick it and said the perfect one he had in mind was sung by Frank Sinatra, but he did not know the name. I told my friend this. About a month before the wedding, we were out at our local bar and my husband played an entire Frank Sinatra cd, just to find "our song". It turned out to be "Fly Me to the Moon."

About 3 weeks before my wedding, my friend asked me again what our first song would be and I told her it was "Fly me to the Moon. She then sent me a scathing email, chastising me for picking the same song that she and her fiance chose as their first song and accused me of disrespecting her. She attached an email that she had sent me saying that she was considering "Fly me to the Moon", or another Sinatra song, or an Ella Fitzgerald song. Considering that I didn't have time to remember details about my wedding, let alone hers, and I never thought I copied her.

Of the two weddings, only ONE guest would be at both. I would not have cared that they were dancing to the same song first. Isn't "Fly Me to the Moon" one of the most popular first dance songs? Elise, was I wrong to continue to use the song? Was my friend wrong to make a big deal out of this? I would just like to know if I was wrong in continuing to use this song. THANKS so much!

- Guilty Dancer?

Dear Guilty,

I wish I did know what the number one Wedding First Dance Song in America was. That is exactly the kind of fact that keeps conversation from dying at cocktail parties and dinners with strangers. Instead, I tend to toss out factoids on topics such as heavy metal poisons, films from the mid-1940's and rare diseases.

While I can't offer you the popularity defense, I can say you weren't really in the wrong. This isn't really an etiquette question, but your problem is almost existential: it is difficult to create an entirely original wedding. You will almost always run into readings that have been read before (Rilke, anyone?), or processionals that have been played countless times (Pachelbel's Canon in D). Of course uniqueness comes from context and that is something that the wedding couple produces on its own.

You didn't mistreat your friend, especially if she didn't make a specific request that you avoid "Fly Me to the Moon." I'm sure the song was important to you, as it was important to her, but fundamentally, it is a tune that has been significant to a lot of people and everyone is entitled to the memories and sentiments that Mr. Sinatra's dulcet tones trigger. To get out of this tiff, try not to be angry or defensive. Don't let her drag you into a fight where you each try to prove why each of you was more deserving of dancing to "Fly Me to the Moon." From all the weddings you have gone to, can you recall what the first dance songs were at any of them? Of course not. That is something for the bride and groom to cherish. If she is determined to poke at you, keep insisting that you're sorry she feels as she does and you certainly didn't mean to hurt her feelings. She will either accept this or she won't.

I, on the other hand, must thank you because I have been happily reminded of another version of your first dance song, by a different band, whose music is fabulous and incites dancing wherever it shows up. I am whistling it even now.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:45 AM    <link>

THANK YOU / I'M SORRY

Hi Elise,

A semi-distant cousin sent me a wedding gift shortly before Christmas. I am not close with said cousin; she is around my mother's age and I do not know her very well. My mother informed me that cousin's mother passed away a few days after this gift was sent. My mother insists that I must include an expression of my condolences in my thank you note for the wedding gift, but I don't really feel that this is appropriate. Were this someone I was closer with, I would send a separate sympathy card. However, I am not close enough to cousin that I would have sent a card were the gift excluded from the situation. What is the proper thing to do? And how exactly does one combine a thank you note and sympathy card anyway? I am baffled.

Thanks so much!

Too Many Missives

Dear Too Many,

This is indeed a rather delicate situation and happily one that doesn't come up too often. In general, the dueling "thank you" and condolence messages are best left to their own devises, and when you think about it that way, you can feel comfortable sending two separate cards to your cousin. Even if you aren't and never will be close, your interest and sensitivity will be appreciated.

One thing you can do, of course is allow the notes to be aware of each other. In your condolence note, you can always say that after writing the "thank you," you heard about her mother's death and wanted to let her know how sorry you are for her loss.

The key to all of these little communications is to be direct. If she receives both notes on the same day and thinks it odd that you didn't choose to save a stamp, don't worry. Rather than try to navigate a truly treacherous exercise in composition ("I loved the Cuisinart, but am so sorry to have heard about your mother..."), you'll be happier playing it safe and risk appearing a little eccentric or at least wanton with postage.

Congratulations,

Elise


posted by Elise at 10:16 AM    <link>

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

DO YOU HEAR THAT NOISE?

It's the sound of a window opening. It is a metaphorical one, to be sure, but one with all kinds of very real implications. I am now in the very late, "any day now" stage of pregnancy, and I thought I should just tell you so that if there is a delay in responding to your queries, you'll know why.

Here's hoping the Spot, as the baby-to-be is affectionately called, is well behaved and understands that arriving too early is just as rude as showing up extremely late.

Cheers and best to all,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:51 AM    <link>

GIVING CREDIT

Dear Elise,

My parents are providing all financial backing for my wedding next summer, however, my fiance and I are doing all of the planning. On our wedding invitation, I want to avoid the stuffy language like: "Bill and Mary Smith invite you to the wedding of their daughter," and would prefer something like "Please Join Us As MyName and HisName Get Married!"

My parents do not like this idea. They want to be included on the invitation. From my point of view, since this is my wedding, their names should not come first on the invitation. Also, though the wedding would not be possible without their money, my fiance and I are planning and carrying out the party.

The reception and the ceremony will take place in separate locations. Would it be appropriate to say something like "Reception to follow, hosted by Bill and Mary Smith?" I don't want to shut them out, and do want to come up with a compromise.

I'm looking forward to your advice.

Sincerely,

- Their Money Hosts Our Party

Dear Their Money,

Throwing tradition to the winds can be immensely liberating, though one can find oneself plowing directly into a wall of parental judgment that longs for the formal security of the Old Ways of Doing Things.

Of course you don't need permission to write your own wedding invitation text, but clearly, your parents will feel left out. I can't tell you if your compromise – naming your parents in the context of the reception only – will make your folks feel better or worse about things. It seems like a pretty fair idea to me, but they might take it badly, as if they are getting second billing. What is clear is that they want to be recognized.

To what do you object most strenuously – the stiff "traditional" language or giving your parents more "credit" than you feel they deserve? Clearing this up may help you figure out what kind of language you want. If you just don't like the formality, you could work out something that makes it sound as if all of you are throwing the wedding and reception, and have everyone's names front and center. On the other hand, if you simply would prefer not to name your parents, you have a different battle on your hands. What do you gain or lose by naming your parents on the invitation? Is this battle – one where you know how your parents will feel – worth fighting? I can't answer these questions for you, but I think you know that alienating your parents might cost you something.

Ultimately, any language you choose, traditional or not, will be fine as long as you provide your guests with accurate information as to where and when to show up. How you choose to handle your parents is another story, one whose ending you will be better at predicting than anyone. Be prepared to compromise and be creative and see if you can grope your way to some reasonably content middle ground.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:00 PM    <link>

CHURCHLESS WEDDING

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married next December, four months sooner than we had initially planned. Since many of our guests and almost all of the wedding party will still be in college, it will be easier to get married when everyone has time off. I'm worried about breaking the news of the shortened engagement to our parents. Is there a gentle way to let them know?

Our second problem is the ceremony. It's not religious, so we need to find a place to have the wedding that is not a church. Is it OK to have the ceremony and reception in the same location? Is it even possible to find a semi-formal area that will allow us to marry? Both of us have large families so we will probably have 200 guests. I am not practicing the religion I was raised in, and my fiance is mildly religious, so I've been considering agreeing to a church wedding. My parents, however, have not entered a church outside their faith since they converted and I am not sure they would agree to come if it was held in his church.

Actually, they are the reason we aren't automatically having the ceremony there. My parents and I missed the wedding of one of my sisters because she married someone of a different faith, but I also know they are sorry they skipped it. I also feel that not attending a wedding of a family member because their beloved is not of the same faith is stupid. Wedding plans are probably not the best place to flaunt personal opinions, I guess but I'm really looking for a way to approach the subject without opening a giant can of worms.

Sincerely,

Roadrunner Bride

Dear Roadrunner,

Repeat after me:

1. Getting married is a happy thing.
2. I haven't done anything wrong.
3. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
4. Even if my parents are monsters I can still get married and be happy.

Now that we're both in the proper frame of mind, I want to make sure that you understand that you don't have to be so anxious. You're getting married; embrace the celebration.

There is nothing wrong with moving up the wedding date. You have particularly reasonable reasons for doing it, but even if you felt that you'd rather get married on a day when your favorite band was available or a particular flower was in season, you'd be in the clear. Simply tell your parents that the new date will be easier for everyone and think how lucky you are that you've decided to change the date now as opposed to six months from now when it will be harder to schedule.

As for location, I don't know where you are, but tons of weddings and receptions are held in the same venue. There is no set of rules that says that those two elements can't happen together. (Did someone tell you that? If so, I suggest you stop taking advice from that person immediately.) You can get married almost anywhere: in back yards, churches, hotel ballrooms, reception halls, boats, you name it. Keeping the wedding at a single location will also spare you all kinds of worry about how to get people from venue to venue and it will save you a lot of planning time.

You write that weddings aren't the places to "flaunt personal opinions." I would suggest that getting married is the ultimate expression of deep emotion. You're telling the world that you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with him (or her, as the case may be). If your beliefs make you prefer a secular wedding in a neutral location, and your fiance is happy, and your parents would feel comfortable, then that is good, but if you would rather have your wedding represent your fiance's religion, that is fine, too. If your parents' beliefs interfere with their attending based on this preference, understand that they, too, are making a statement and a choice.

Either option is perfectly respectable. Your parents know the price of missing a child's wedding. All you have to decide is whether you would prefer something entirely neutral or more aligned with your fiance's background. From an etiquette perspective, all you really need to offer your parents is love and respect. They are adults and ultimately will do what they want.

Congratulations and be happy,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:39 PM    <link>

HAPPY DAY / SAD RELATIONS

Dear Elise,

Both my parents are dead and I am lucky to have two wonderful stepparents. My fiance has two parents and two stepparents. We've decided we want to honor all of them, the living and the dead, in our ceremony. We will make our way to the end of a garden together, and the officiant will say that we are honoring all the parents. My fiance and I will pin corsages or boutonnieres on all the parents there, and place flowers in front of a picture of my deceased parents. We will have a moment of silence for them and then go on to our vows. I don't want to push this too far and play a song for my mother or anything. I think that would make step-dad cry. If he is going to cry because he is happy for me that is okay, but I don't want him to cry because I'm torturing him with sad memories.

We haven't discussed this with our parents yet, but we will. We don't want to give anyone any unpleasant surprises.

I know that generally weddings are happy occasions, but it is really important to me that we include all of my parents in the ceremony. We will have a program explaining all this. Since our ceremony will be somewhat unorthodox.

I worry there may be some fall out from this from other relatives. I want to be prepared to say something firm but kind to steer them away from the subject afterwards. I know relatives will weepily tell me how much I look like either my mom or my dad. But if it goes much beyond that - how do I get away or make the person stop? Can I? Or must I just stand there and nod and smile? What is the best way to handle that? I am worried some people will latch onto that and get very dramatic. Is there anything else I can do beyond being prepared for some drama?

Thanks,

Good Daughter

Dear Good,

Your proposed plan is simple, tasteful, discreet and efficient, but regardless of your good sense, people will find a way to weasel some attention for themselves. This is the way of weddings, and it is savvy of you to sense that such outbursts might be in the works.

The important thing for you to remember at all times during your wedding is that this is your event, not a deposition. No matter what conversational gambits are thrown your way, you are under no obligation to respond in kind. For everyone telling you how much you look like your mother, feel free to toss back a handy: "Thank you so much. I think she would have been very happy today." After responding graciously, you can float off and enjoy your other guests.

All wedding conversations are brief and distracted, and you should work this to your advantage. Your guests should want to congratulate you and feel happy for you. Should someone misunderstand the event and feel brave enough to try to steer the conversation towards thoughts of sorrow, you are entirely within your rights to interrupt, gently, thank the poor soul for remembering your family, and then excuse yourself to make the rounds.

If anyone dares to suggest that you would be better off spending your wedding day grieving than celebrating, send him or her my way and watch what happens.

Congratulations,

Elise



posted by Elise at 11:31 AM    <link>

RELATIVITY - AUNTS AND UNCLES
A DOUBLE HEADER

Dear Elise,

I had a difficult relationship with my late father. After my parents split up (I was 10) he and I had no contact until I was in high school, and then only communicated by mail for many years. Although I mourned his death 5 years ago I also felt strangely detached when it happened.

My question is about inviting his 3 siblings to my wedding this summer. As an adult, I never had any contact with two of them, until his funeral. Over the past ten years, one of his sisters has made a real effort to stay in contact with me, and she and I get along great--we keep in regular touch, and I've even visited her and her family. My father's other sister has been kind when I've seen her, but that's been twice in my entire life. And my father's brother has made zero effort-- I saw him from a distance at the funeral and that was it. I don't fault them for this; I have also made little effort to stay in touch. But I wonder what my obligations are to invite them to my wedding (we're planning a pretty small event. Our venue can seat 90 people). I definitely plan to invite the aunt that I'm close to, along with her husband and teenage son, but do I have to invite my other aunt and uncle on my dad's side? They know I'm engaged because the aunt that I'm close to shared the info with them. Will they be expecting invites?

I should probably also mention that my mom's side of the family is much larger and is already eating deeply into available slots on my part of the guest list. Not only would *not* inviting them and their spouses/kids save seats, but I wonder whether getting a wedding invite from a niece that they haven't spoken to in 5 years might seem like a gift grab.

Any thoughts?

Not a Daddy's Girl

Hi Elise,

I love your column. Thanks so much for providing such in-depth and heartfelt advice.

I have something of a dilemma concerning my upcoming wedding. My fiance and I are a bicultural couple (Japanese-American) living in Japan. We're planning to get married in Hawaii in 2006, and would like to have a very small wedding--- around 20 people or fewer. Because the wedding will be in Hawaii, we're planning to also have a party in each of our hometowns for those who don't attend our actual ceremony in Hawaii.

As you can probably imagine, the problem then becomes who to invite. I'd personally like to have only my immediate family as well as some close friends and two aunts I'm very close to come to Hawaii. However, in addition to these two aunts, I also have another aunt and an uncle, neither of whom I'm close to at all. My parents are of the opinion that to invite my two favorite aunts and not the other aunt and uncle and their spouses would be extremely poor taste. My brother and I both think that if everyone is invited to the party afterwards (and they will be), it doesn't really matter who's invited to the actual ceremony. If we were getting married in my hometown, I would gladly invite everyone, but the idea of entertaining people I don't know well and am not particularly close to at an intimate wedding in Hawaii doesn't sound appealing to me at all.

Because of the destination wedding factor in all of this, I'm just not sure what to do. Also, if we host a big party in my hometown afterwards for everyone who hasn't necessarily come to the ceremony, would that still be considered a reception or something else altogether? To say I'm confused would be an understatement. Any help you could offer me would be much appreciated.

- Hawaii Nuptials

Dear Not Daddy's and Hawaii,

Both of your problems have clear answers, though unfortunately you may not want to hear them. Your issues fall into the eternal tradition of "How to Limit the Presence of Children at a Wedding," which has been covered extensively on these pages. The general policy for avoiding hurt feelings is to invite everyone of a group. Using the aforementioned example of children: invite all kids of immediate relatives, exclude all others.

This same principle applies to relatives. In both of your cases, traditionally speaking, you'll be safest if you invite everyone, since the parental siblings do constitute a discreet group. It is true, Not Daddy's, that you have a substantial relationship with one of your paternal aunts and none at all with your father's other siblings. But since you don't know these people, it is actually rather unlikely that they will attend, especially if your wedding is far away. An invitation in your case is purely a courtesy and would probably be taken as such. Since the aunt you like has been talking about you and your nuptials with her siblings, not inviting them would make a statement. Do you want your silence to speak worlds? If not, consider inviting them. Keep in mind that you may not even need to invite your cousins (depending on what you decide to do about children) and if there is any mention of "gift grabbing," I would hope you could respond with enough (apparent) sadness that they would be ashamed of themselves for even suggesting something so unpleasant.

Hawaii Nuptials, you are in a similar position in that it would be very difficult to politely invite only half of your aunts and uncles to your ceremony. Even if you have a party later, word that they were excluded from your wedding ceremony will surely get back to them and will sting. Since your wedding is a destination affair, however, you probably don't need to be overly concerned about their attendance. What you would gain by inviting them is peace, a sense that you didn't hurt anyone's feelings and the knowledge that your parents are not uncomfortable.

This is hard to accept, and it is a drag, I know, to find oneself having to invite strange relatives to one's nuptials. One of the great sources of frustration in life is that one is unable to select one's relatives and it is a universal truth that any family will be peopled by at least a couple of unbearable creatures. One is stuck with the luck of the draw.

Having said that, you certainly don't have to do anything you don't want, but you may find yourself having to deal with long-term complications (guilt trips, sullen parents, whiney relatives, tears, recriminations...) that would make tolerating these folks at your wedding a walk in the park by comparison.

Congratulations to both of you,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:59 PM    <link>

Happy New Year to All

Cheers and Best Wishes All the Way Around...

And now back to the business at hand:

TIPPING QUIETLY

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are having an evening cocktail party following our wedding, in place of a traditional reception. We have found a bar and lounge that we like very much, and they are willing to help us keep our costs down by not including gratuity in our final bill and simply having our guests tip the bartenders as they feel compelled to. We think most of our guests will do this anyway, since they tend to be a generous crowd, but I have never been sure of this as a guest myself at other weddings and I know there will be some uncertainty. What is the proper way to alert our guests to the fact that they'll need to tip the bartenders? I am extremely uncomfortable doing this in any sort of public way.

Any help you could provide would be most appreciated.
Thanks,

Needing a Tip

Dear Tip,

Who can resist a cocktail party? Even the word "cocktails" has an lively and sophisticated ring that makes one want to pull out her cruelest highest heels, little black dress and red, red lipstick.

The question of how to tip the bartenders is a tricky one, and doesn't really fall under the rules of etiquette. Short of making a global announcement, which could be awkward, it may be easiest to strategically place tip glasses or jars on the bar with signs that ask your guests to please feel free to tip the bartenders. I would be concerned, though, that your guests might not all have cash handy or might not notice your request. To be fair, you and your fiance may want to consider contributing a portion of the tip yourselves. (You could pick a percentage of the overall bar tab or ask the management what the overall gratuity would be and put in a percentage of that bill.) That way, you will still save some money and you won't be uncomfortable about possibly stiffing the bartending staff on the one hand or having to make a request for donations while standing on a chair on the other.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:36 AM    <link>

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