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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Monday, February 28, 2005

SHOULD PRESENTS BOOMERANG BACK?

Dear Elise,

I would like to know what is the time limit you have to return wedding gifts if the marriage fails. My co-worker was married 10 for months, and then the couple split up. They had a big wedding with a lot of gifts. If the marriage didn't last a year shouldn't they return the gifts? What is the time limit?

Thank You,

- Just wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

I can't help but wonder if you're hoping that the present you worked so hard to select for your co-worker might make a re-appearance in your life, and I'm sorry to be the bearer of disappointing news.

While it is absolutely the case that presents for weddings that are canceled must be returned, once the deed is done, all bets are off. So, even if the marriage doesn't last a year, or even a season, the gifts remain the possessions of the wedding couple and become more elements in the unfortunate tug-of-war over "community property."

The alternatives are simply too strange. How long would it be necessary for a marriage to last before the wedding couple could really be said to own their presents? Would anyone really want to discover a much-used Cuisinart and a tearstained note explaining the collapse of a marriage in the mailbox? No, no, it is much better to leave all of this unsaid and simply feel sorry that such a happy occasion did not promise a happy union for your co-worker.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:39 AM    <link>

DON'T RUB IT IN

Dear Elise,

Can I send out wedding announcements BEFORE the wedding? I have a number of friends who know that I am planning a wedding, but who I cannot invite due to space constraints. I have a cute save-the-date card that I would like to redesign into an announcement, stating "we are pleased to announce our upcoming marriage on [date]" and I thought I would include a little note saying that we wished we could invite them and that we're thinking of them.

Is this totally inappropriate? I would also add "all we ask for are your best wishes" so that they know we don't expect a gift.

Thanks,
Unsure of the Rules

Dear Unsure,

Unwise, unwise. Your intentions are good, but I fear this mailing won't convey the message you intend.

Traditionally, wedding announcements are sent out immediately after the wedding (or as soon thereafter as is convenient), and they go to people who did not receive invitations. They also, by the way, don't carry any implications about presents. You're merely letting people know what happened.

Consider how you would feel if you received a note before the wedding that basically said you weren't a close enough friend or relative to be invited, but everyone else will be having a good time. It could feel like a bit of a taunt, regardless of how warm your intentions are. Sending a card after the fact merely takes part in a time-honored tradition. I also think any expressions on the lines of "we wish we could invite everyone" are best left in conversation. There is something too permanent and awkward about writing such thoughts on an announcement. (The retort that springs to mind upon seeing that sort of note would likely be: "If you wished you could have invited us, why didn't you?")

So in the interests of smooth feathers and unruffled feelings, I'd leave your announcements until after your nuptials and if you have to explain things in person, just smile and be gentle.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:06 AM    <link>

QUID PRO QUO

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are on a pretty tight budget and we're trying to narrow our guest list. The biggest gray area for me is a fairly large group of folks we used to hang/ work with. Back in the day, they invited us to their weddings and we happily attended. We would like to invite them, but our list just keeps growing and growing and we have't seen most of these people in more than a year. There hasn't been any falling out and we still like them quite a bit, we've just grown apart.

Are we obliged to invite people to our wedding just because we were invited to theirs, even if we're no longer best buddies?

Help.

Thanks,

Feelin' Guilty

Dear Feelin',

You appear to have internalized Newton's Third Law: "every action requires an equal and opposite reaction." While such a principle may rule in the physical world, it doesn't always apply in the realm of weddings.

The short answer is that it is not necessary to offer reciprocal wedding invitations. You understand your limitations; you know your responsibilities. Of course you feel guilty for not inviting people with whom you are not as close as you once were. If you were eloping or having a destination wedding you would have to make these same decisions, but you'd probably feel less guilty because there would be extenuating limiting circumstances. Your situation is not so different, but your limits are dictated by money, and money is always a source of angst.

The tricky part about weddings generally, and guest lists particularly, is that they force you to quantify friendships and weigh each against the other. Try not to think in these terms. If asked, you can always tell the truth: you had a small wedding and had to limit your guest list.

You aren't being mean or harsh, and you don't need to lose sleep over your decisions. You just have to accept that this is an uncomfortable, if inevitable part of the wedding process.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:20 PM    <link>

UNWANTED BRIDESMAIDS
2 QUESTIONS

Dear Elise,

I've run into a bridesmaid dilemma. I didn't want to have any, but my mom though that I might need people to hold my flowers and make sure my hair isn't messy. While I was debating, my grandmother heard that I might ask my two cousins. She was so happy that it made me happy, and I asked them. I do feel very comfortable with them and know they'll forgive any little meltdowns, etc.

The problem is this: my fiance mentioned that his brother said that their sister wants to be a bridesmaid. My future mother-in-law confirmed this by telling my fiance that "it wouldn't hurt" if I asked her. I think my future sister-in-law is great, but I am kind of shy and would much rather be surrounded by the people closest to me. Further complicating things is the fact that my future sister-in-law will have a 2 month-old baby PLUS two toddlers at the time of the wedding. What happens if one starts howling? It's a low-key wedding in my parents' back yard and I feel like having throngs of attendants, aside from making me feel weird, will look silly.

Should I ask my fiance's sister to be a bridesmaid and avoid hurt feelings from my future family? I could invite her to read a poem or something, but I was picturing a brief ceremony with no extra hoopla. Should I just ignore the whole thing? The last thing I want to do is offend anyone, since my in-laws are all lovely, but I think I should be comfortable and without stress.

Thanks,

I'm the Evil Sister-In-Law


Dear Elise-

I'm not even sure if what I'm going to ask is possible. I have a "friend" I've known for 13 years. We USED to be very close. When I first got engaged, I chose my wedding party pretty quickly. I heard that "L" told other friends of mine, that it was crappy that I hadn't asked her to be in the wedding. One day she and I had lunch and I explained to her that I really wanted her to be involved in the wedding, but I wasn't sure exactly what else we were doing, as far as asking more people to be in the wedding party. "L" broke down, and told me that of course very happy for me, but really hurt that I hadn't said anything to her until that point. A few days went by and I felt terrible, so I wound up asking her to be a bridesmaid. Now months and months later, I want to kick my own ass.

Is there anything I can do at this point? I still have 6 months before the wedding. I feel that if I give her the boot, it would totally ruin any friendship that we have, not to mind totally crush her. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?

Not to sound selfish, but I though our wedding was supposed to be about us (my fiance and me)!

Thanks,

- "6 months"

Dear Evil and 6-

Both of you, sit down and take what midwives call a "cleansing breath," in through the nose, out through the mouth. Do it again.

Neither of you is evil, you're just caught in the terrible trap of the Wedding Vision. Each of you finds yourself torn between duty and personal preference and that, as they say, is the sad result of being social animals.

So, Evil Sister-In-Law, your question is whether to make this invitation that would please your husband's side of the family. You are right that you would be making a concession to them, and that isn't a bad thing at all unless you think your feelings are being truly compromised or if you dislike your fiance's sister. How much does a third bridesmaid upset your plans? Three doesn't seem like an outrageous number, and it may end up pleasing you that both families are represented in the wedding itself, without having to go the "talent show" route of conjuring a reading for this woman to do. As far as her kids go, if the parents are going to be at the wedding, isn't there just as much opportunity for them to squawk if she were to be a member of the wedding as there would be if she were a regular guest? Could her partner or another relative (perhaps your future mother-in-law) step in to monitor their behavior?

Ultimately, this is entirely up to you. No one should force you to make this invitation, but if you do feel so obliged, I think you should be flattered that your new family likes you so much, and try to think of this as less of a compromise and more of a happy gesture, a magnanimous one made by you of your own free will.

The other side of this dilemma, is what you face right now, 6 Months. Do you want permission to kick your friend out of your wedding party? It is by no means a felony (or even a misdemeanor) to do so, but barring extenuating circumstances (cruelty to you, for instance), it is unkind.

At the end of your letter, you ask if you should be able to fire your bridesmaid because the wedding is "about" you and your fiance. This is a common wedding fallacy. Unless you elope alone or scoot silently to a Justice of the Peace, the wedding will never be for you and your future husband alone. Weddings involve families and friends and their desires can't help but come into play, even in tiny ways. You wouldn't, for instance, begrudge the writing of thank you notes because they aren't part of your vision for the day, or ask your fiance's mother to wait in the car because she isn't compatible with what you have imagined. Those are extreme examples, but at bottom, the bride and groom, while the center of attention, are not the only ones whose desires come into play.

I suspect you felt obliged to invite "L" to be a bridesmaid because of her sadness and now you have the sense that you were somehow coerced and regret not clinging more firmly to your initial vision. She merely made you aware of her hurt feelings, you felt obliged to assuage them. I sympathize, but if you want in any way to preserve anything of this friendship, I'm afraid you're stuck with her in your wedding party.

What do you really lose by retaining your childhood friend? Perhaps you aren't so close right now, but she does represent your past. Is that enough to make you less angry and frustrated?

Both of you have to make a choice between your personal inclinations and pleasing others. There are ramifications on both sides. Ask yourselves what you really lose by making the social choice and if the cost is too high, you know what to do.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:40 PM    <link>

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

Dear Elise,

What is the proper way to write a couple's name when they are married, and share the same last name, but you want to include the wife's name on the envelope, too? I don't think it's fair that when I write "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" that Lisa Smith loses her name entirely! So, how do I write this? "Mr. John and Mrs. Lisa Smith"? "John and Lisa Smith" with no Mr/Mrs? Help!

Traditional Etiquette Screws the Women

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are trying our hardest to plan an egalitarian wedding celebration. One thing that is catching us up is the wedding invitations! My mother insists on addressing the invitations to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. I have always found this custom incredibly offensive. I am not planning to change my name after getting married and can not imagine identifying the women we are inviting only by their husbands' names! Is it OK to address invitations to Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe? Is there another alternative for formal invitations?

Thanks,
Emily Equality

Dear Etiquette Screws and Emily Equality,

The naming of guests is a difficult matter. It is true that the traditional formal address for married couples sharing a last name is Mr and Mrs HisName TheirName. But keep in mind that traditional etiquette also has elaborate rules for how to address letters to everyone – including multiple daughters in a family (if you're curious, the eldest girl is "Miss LastName" and subsequent daughters are "Miss FirstName LastName" – you can see this played out extensively in the pages of Pride and Prejudice).

As to your questions, you can certainly address your letters to HisName and HerName LastName or to Mr. and Mrs. HisName and HerName LastName. Keep in mind, though, that some people genuinely prefer this old fashioned style of address and if you know that this is what makes them happy, perhaps you could just humor them. There is nothing wrong with being inconsistent in the way you address your invitations. No one will know the difference (unless your guests go around comparing envelopes, in which case they all need more to do).

Calling people as they would like to be called is an easy thing, and I think it is important to recognize that the things that most pain and annoy us may appeal greatly to others, so be flexible. Include the woman's name at every opportunity, but if you know some real traditionalists and know how they'd prefer to see their names, feel free to let the woman's name get suppressed. In those cases, she's used to it. It was her choice.

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:56 AM    <link>

THE CASE OF THE BULLYING BRIDESMAID - or - PLUS (ANY)ONE

Dear Elise,

My wedding is next month. One of my bridesmaid's husband can't come to the wedding, so she asked if she could bring her sister. I did not respond to her email right away, so she wrote again, saying that since I did not respond, she assumed it would be OK to bring her sister. This really bothered me, since she knows how hard it has been for us to cut down the guest list. Before the invitations were sent out she asked repeatedly if her parents were invited (they are).

I replied, saying that we already had so many people coming that we had not planned on inviting her sister. She responded that her family doesn't have a chance to get together very often and they already made plans to bring the sister.

I thought it was the bridesmaid's job to help make things easier, not more difficult. I am wondering what your advice is in this situation. Ultimately it's not that big of a deal but it really has been bothering me.

Thanks,

Bridesmaid Troubles

Dear Troubles,

Something about your bridesmaid's behavior feels like what happens every time I try to file paperwork with New York City. She asked you a question, then told you that you had missed your chance to have a say in the matter because of an imaginary deadline she never told you about, and then justified her bullying you because of plans unrelated to your wedding (her family's desire to get together). Your bridesmaid doesn't, by any chance work in city government or for my insurance company, does she?

Can you tell how I feel about your bridesmaid's behavior? A wedding invitation is not the same as an all-media movie screening where you get an automatic "plus one" and can take anyone you like. Wedding invitations generally fall under the category of "non-transferable." This is not to say that your friend did anything wrong in asking whether she could take her sister instead of her husband. Her request is perfectly reasonable. The problem is in her pushing you, the bride and host, to accept her request to change guests.

You have every right to be bothered. What can you do? If you're so angry and you don't mind confrontation, you can certainly say you don't want your bridesmaid's sister at your wedding and that they should plan a few family activities around your wedding. That may be too harsh, however. You may simply want to tell your friend that she is welcome to bring her sister but that you felt she put you in a bad position and you wished she hadn't.

There are times in one's life where it is unfair to put people on the spot - when they are about to get married is one of them (when they're about to have surgery also springs to mind). I'm sorry you were the victim of a bullying friend. You're right to be bothered and you are entitled to rain on her parade, but don't feel compelled to act on this power if you don't want to.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:30 AM    <link>

LOWS AND HIGHS

Dear Elise,

My fiance is 6' tall, and I'm 4'8". At the ceremony, (and other times during the wedding, I guess) I'm afraid that our vast height difference will make things look awkward (the kiss and the ceremony, for instance). I don't even come up to his shoulder, and we're the same height when he kneels.

The only solutions that come to mind are having me stand on something, have him kneel, have him lean over, or me stand on my tippy-toes and meet him in the middle. All solutions tend to highlight the height difference, which is something that my parents disapprove of. My mom is even shorter than I am, and has this thing against tall people, however nice they are. She even seems to dislike my fiance because he's tall, despite the fact that he's a sweetheart. I'm afraid that she is going to find a lot to gripe about already, with the marriage teetering on elopement, so I don't want to make any issues stand out to her, or generally look comical.

Thanks a lot,

- Way Too Short

Dear Way Too Short,

I am rarely of the opinion that an argument is truly pointless, but occasionally one crops up. It is unwise, for instance to do battle with weather, gravity, most laws of physics, and my little dog.

The name you gave yourself is interesting. Your mother would say that you are not too short, rather that your fiance is too tall. Does she have any suggestions as to how you should combat his height? Do you even really care about how this height difference looks to the world? It exists now and will persist after your wedding, so clearly this is something you're used to. The question then becomes: do you want to create an illusion for the sake of the ceremony, or are you happy just being yourselves? (Incidentally, over the summer I attended a wedding featuring a 6' groom and a 4'11" bride and no one even blinked, let alone chuckled, at the height difference. The couple stood for their vows and looked smashing.)

If you really want to correct for the disparity, you could take a cue from Hollywood. Actors regularly put lifts in their shoes or stand on platforms to make them appear better matched to their co-stars. You could set up some suitably decorated apple boxes (these are small wooden boxes that are standard fare on film sets) that you could step on to for your vows, or wear very high heels. But I think your stature isn't really the problem. Your mother seems to feel that there is something fundamentally objectionable about your fiance's height, and there is nothing you can do about this, short of cutting off his legs.

I could be flip and say she should to listen to Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore, which contains the incendiary notion (in the 19th century) that "love levels all ranks," but she presents you with a challenge that you can't ignore. You aren't going to call off your wedding because your fiance is too tall. Beyond that you have to decide whether you want to try to artificially minimize your physical differences or just be natural. That is your choice. The odd guest may be momentarily amused by your height difference, but presumably everyone already knows it exists. Your mother will just have to live with it, as she will with your marriage. This is as good a time as any for everyone to realize that this is her problem, her prejudice and that asking her daughter to do combat with biology is just foolhardy.

You have all my congratulations and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:14 AM    <link>

MOH AWOL?

Dear Elise,

I'm having a terrible time with my maid of honor. I asked my best friend of 10 years to stand next to me when I get married this October.

We have been through a lot together. Before college we would get together at least once a week. She went away to school, is pre-med, and now I never get to talk to her. She spends all her time studying, and when I call, I only get her answering machine. We have tried negotiating a time once a week to catch up, but she often loses track of the plans. When I get frustrated, she just says: "I am at a different point in my life, this is my priority, this is what's important to me".

She has also asked me a few times to change the date of our wedding, which is during mid-terms. She's not far enough away that she can't come to the wedding, and then split. I'm so frustrated, and hurt that part of me doesn't even want her standing next to me.

I know school is important to her, but how do I make her understand that her friendship, and this wedding are important to me? This is one of the most exciting things to happen to me in my life, and I really want her to share it with me. I'm not asking her to help me plan, but I would like to know that I can call her. I can't imagine losing such an extraordinary friend, over some silly biology notes.

Sincerely,

Lonely Best Friend

Dear Lonely,

You have a lot going on, much of it unrelated to etiquette. This doesn't make your pain less substantial, it just means I have fewer tools with which I can help you. The only actual breeches in manners on the part of your friend are in not calling you back and asking you to change your wedding date.

Conventional counsel would tell you that friendships evolve, pull apart, restructure themselves, and because you stayed at home while your friend went away to school, she is the one who is doing the bulk of the changing right now. I suspect that is an oversimplification. You are about to get married, a change of identity about which countless books have been written and hands wrung. Don't discount your experience or allow yourself to think that what you are doing is somehow less compelling than what your friend is up to. Remember this when she says she has her priorities. You have yours as well, and you can always seek support from someone else.

There is not much you can actually do, however, to change your friend's attitude and approach. If she asks you again to change the date of your wedding, you can of course let her know that the question offends you and offer to let her step down from her duties as maid of honor. But beyond that, you're stuck with the not uncommon problem of Flakey Friend.

I am sorry not to be able to provide you with a solution that would restore your friendship, but I think you would feel better if you reduced your expectations of her. Stop calling. Look elsewhere for friendship and support. You may love her but you can do without her at such a busy time in your life. Perhaps when she realizes your distance, she'll come around, and if not, you can at least feel stronger by not feeling that you have been begging for her friendship.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:55 AM    <link>

THE MATERNAL MOUTH

Dear Elise,

I recently became engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years. Due to job, finance and grad school obligations, we probably will not marry for at least 3-4 years, but we did tell our parents who were overjoyed.

His parents took the news with great happiness, and have placed the item on the back burner (where it belongs) until it is time to really start planning. On the other hand, my mother, despite our warnings of the eventual self-financed wedding being quite small, has been telling a lot of people who then send gifts.

She visited and we had a long conversation about this - the short of it being that my fiance and I are uncomfortable with people (whom we do not know and cannot afford to invite to our wedding) sending engagement presents. If they ask - please tell them thanks, but while cards are lovely no gifts are necessary. My mother is upset about this because she basically wants to reap her return on all the gifts she has given over the years. I find this behavior appalling.

So my questions are:

- If people with whom you have little or no relationship send you an engagement gift are you obliged to invite them to the wedding in 4 years?
- When we have received monetary presents from my mother's acquaintances, my mother will ask how much money we were given. I find this offensive - does she have any right to know this?

Thank You,

- Agita

Dear Agita,

Congratulations are, of course, in order, as are condolences for having to be so patient with your mother. One thing you must keep in mind about mothers – parents generally – is that they are bound to cause you some embarrassment regardless of how well you think you have them trained.

Your mother is excited and telling everyone she knows that you will eventually get married. This happens. Consider grandchild-happy parents. (I know someone who ventured into a dress shop she hadn't visited for a while because she was pregnant – she went in looking for a Christmas present - and was promptly mauled by the manager who had heard all about the impending baby from the my friend's mother.) Now, is your problem that she's blabbing this news all over town or that you are getting random presents? Do you see your mother as in some way twisting her friends' arms for presents or are these just spontaneous offerings? I agree that the former is humiliating, but there is nothing you can do about the latter.

It is difficult to maintain perspective because your mother is annoying you, but you're not in a bad spot. You are not under any obligation to invite random gift-givers to your eventual wedding. Some people just enjoy sending presents and are in no way looking for an invitation while others may be operating on your mother's oddball economy and looking to repay her past kindness. With that in mind, you are under no obligation to reveal the details of the presents you receive to your mother. The question is not whether she has a right to know what you have received and more that you are entitled to some privacy. If you don't want to tell her, you don't have to. It is private.

As we get older, embarrassment at parental antics ebbs and flows. What is crushing when we are 13 becomes almost funny at 30. This sort of bad behavior is less painful when one accepts that parents will do as they please. In the end, these are your mother's friends and her treatment of them has little to do with you. All you owe them is a friendly and prompt thank you note for their generosity, and your mother will just have to be in the dark about the exact amount that generosity represents.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:35 AM    <link>

ALTERNATIVE KID LIMITS

Hi Elise,

I hate to bore you with another kid-related question, but I'm in a quandry. Could I impose a kind of age limit on my wedding guests? For example, I wouldn't mind including my cousin's 10 year old, but don't really want to invite my fiance's cousins' kids (a lot of cousins, each with a few kids), who are all under the age of 3.

I plan on offering child care nearby (very nearby) for all our out of town guests' kids if they need it.

Thanks!

Where's the Cut Off?

Dear Where's,

It is no one's fault that dealing with children at large, grown-up events is tricky, and I'm quite sure your question is one that has formed in many minds.

Only allowing children of a certain age is an acceptable, if not widely used practice in kid limiting, probably because it is a little vague and difficult to enforce - especially with family. If your cutoff is 10, for instance, what do you do about a child who is nine-and-three-quarters? If you let the almost 10-year-old go to your wedding, Nancy Mitford's proverbial "thin end of the wedge" has been inserted into your perfect plan, and then all of a sudden the parents of the almost-10-year-old want to squeak in his little brother, age 8 (but who is, of course, very tall and mature), and you're back at the beginning again.

Don't be discouraged by my cautions. Just realize that while you're on pretty safe ground, etiquette-wise, families often want to get special treatment. If you do limit your cousins' children by age, know that you may have to have a will of iron to maintain the scenario you want. You should also prepare yourself for possible trouble excluding one set of cousin's kids and not another. They may not understand your age limits and feel that you just don't like their children, but this depends on how sensitive they are and how competitive they are with one another. (For more on similar scenarios, see "Relativity – Aunts and Uncles" from 1.5.2005.) Keep in mind, as well, that you may have to do some negotiating with anyone who has a newborn or nursing baby.

You can make up the rules that suit you, but do be prepared for rebellion, in spite of your generous and considerate offers of child-care. Sometimes people just want to take offense and that is particularly the case when their children are involved.

Good luck and congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:01 PM    <link>

CHILDREN OF DIVORCE UNITE

Hi Elise,

I'm wondering about the whole awkward thing of having divorced parents together at weddings. My parents are divorced, do not like each other, haven't talked in about 10 years and my fiance's parents are also divorced and do not have anything to do with each other.

I am wondering about what to do with seating, but more than anything do you have any overall advice or any books or websites that could be helpful? My fiance and I are at the point that even though we have no money and would prefer a tiny (no muss, no fuss) wedding, we have to invite friends so that there will be some buffer between all the parents. Thank you so much for your help.

- Kids from Splitsville

Dear Kids,

Two words to stand you in good stead: Tread Lightly. While I'm sure there are plenty of resources that can provide guidelines for children of harsh divorces, I think you would be better served being guided by common sense and by being direct with your parents. Always keep in mind that you are in charge of this event and this may become painfully obvious if all of the parents choose to behave like children.

Since you are paying for the event yourselves, you have a lot of control over how things go. You don't have to feel uncomfortable about asserting your will and (for once in your life) you can be the Puppet Master.

So what do I mean when I say to tiptoe? In all cases, forget tradition if it becomes nasty. Reception seating, for instance, could be a minefield unless you opt to dodge it. Forgo the "head table" if the parents aren't speaking - don't even consider putting them at the same table. Split them all up, have assigned seating, and if possible match them up with a friend or two so that everyone has some support. It may seem stiff and Draconian, but if people truly have such complicated feelings, they will be happy that the most awkward decisions have been made for them. Use the seating example as a guide for what kind of choices you can make and try not to force any kind of communication, reconciliation or even conversation among the parties.

Remember, always, that you are in control and you and your fiance know your parents best. Rather than looking at your happy situation as if you were handicapped, be proactive. Imagine what you want most to do, and then try to figure out whether or not there will be parental problems. Brace yourself for friction, but never forget you're holding all the cards.

Congratulations and be strong,

Elise


posted by Elise at 11:44 AM    <link>

NEW LIFE / SAME MANNERS

A change has come to IndieEtiquette. Elise had her baby last week. He arrived rather late, but she has chosen not to hold this against him, because the circumstances were not under his control. Since then, he has showed himself to be charming and polite, and only privately demanding. One can only hope this holds.

The column will continue apace, but there may be some delays now and then, depending on the kid's demands.

In order to keep things reasonable, should you find yourself in an etiquette emergency, where an issue is imminant, please make a note of it in the subject heading of your email. This will allow easier sorting of letters, through the inevitable haze of sleep deprivation.

Cheers and best to all.

posted by Elise at 5:30 PM    <link>

DON'T RUB IT IN

Dear Elise,

Can I send out wedding announcements BEFORE the wedding? I have a number of friends who know that I am planning a wedding, but who I cannot invite due to space constraints. I have a cute save-the-date card that I would like to redesign into an announcement, stating "we are pleased to announce our upcoming marriage on [date]" and I thought I would include a little note saying that we wished we could invite them and that we're thinking of them.

Is this totally inappropriate? I would also add "all we ask for are your best wishes" so that they know we don't expect a gift.

Thanks,
Unsure of the Rules

Dear Unsure,

Unwise, unwise. Your intentions are good, but I fear this mailing won't convey the message you intend.

Traditionally, wedding announcements are sent out immediately after the wedding (or as soon thereafter as is convenient), and they go to people who did not receive invitations. They also, by the way, don't carry any implications about presents. You're merely letting people know what happened.

Consider how you would feel if you received a note before the wedding that basically said you weren't a close enough friend or relative to be invited, but everyone else will be having a good time. It could feel like a bit of a taunt, regardless of how warm your intentions are. Sending a card after the fact merely takes part in a time-honored tradition. I also think any expressions on the lines of "we wish we could invite everyone" are best left in conversation. There is something too permanent and awkward about writing such thoughts on an announcement. (The retort that springs to mind upon seeing that sort of note would likely be: "If you wished you could have invited us, why didn't you?")

So in the interests of smooth feathers and unruffled feelings, I'd mail your announcements after your nuptials and if you have to explain things in person, just smile and be gentle.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:12 PM    <link>

WHERE TO?

Dear Elise,

My wedding is very soon. The restaurant that I was having the wedding and reception called me and told me that the city is closing them down, and that I have to move to one of their "sister" restaurants. What is the proper wording for something like that on the new invitations?

- Scrambling

Dear Scrambling,

What a nightmare. I sincerely hope you can encourage the restaurant to pay for the change of venue printing job, if not the mailing expenses as well.

The most traditional wording for a venue change would be something like this:

Host's Names (the same names from the original invitation)
announce that the marriage of
Bride's Name (unless she is the host)
to
Groom's Name (unless he is the host)
will take place at a new venue:

New Venue Address
Date and Time of the Wedding

You can, of course, play with the text, depending on who is doing the hosting, but in general, it is always safe to adhere closely to the original invitation text. Of course, if there is no time to print up new cards, you and your family are probably suck with telephoning or emailing all of your guests to make sure the word is out. This is perfectly acceptable, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Congratulations and my sympathies for having such a wrench tossed in the works.

Elise


posted by Elise at 11:01 AM    <link>

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