archive
----------
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008

You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
- Simon & Schuster
- Amazon
- Barnes & Noble

Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

THE PROBLEM OF SEAWORTHY GUESTS

Dear Elise,

My partner and I are getting married in July. Since our reception venue (a public park) boots us out at 9 PM, we've come up with a great way to extend the celebrations into the evening - a river cruise on an authentic paddle sternwheeler. The only trouble is that the boat only holds 124 passengers (exactly), and we expect to have 150 or 175 guests at the ceremony and reception.

Our options are:
-Rent canoes for the extra folks
-Hope that our guest list thins out
-Count on some people hating water or having to take young kids back to the hotel for bed
-Keep careful count of the RSVPs, and cancel the boat and go bowling instead if we surpass 120
-Have a polite checkbox on the reply card that says, "Sternwheeler cruise limited to 120 people - please R.S.V.P."

Is it completely tacky to include the boat in the invite, but limit it to the first 120-something folks? Feels a little queasy to me, but I'm not sure what else to do.

Thanks for your advice!

- Yar Bride

Dear Yar,

I appreciate your desire to keep your nuptial festivities going long into the night. The best parties are the ones with the optimism no fixed end time.

Still, I would caution you against creating a situation in which your after-party (which sounds fabulous) requires guests to sign up, and can only attend if they were among the first 124 to RSVP. (And believe me, I more than understand the impulse to reward people who actually do RSVP.) If more than 124 of your guests want to ride the sternwheeler (which seems likely), you put yourself in a truly uncomfortable position of having to turn people down and then listen to begging and whining.

People are unpredictable and there is no telling who may have to leave early or which couples decide to stay out until dawn breaks. No matter what they tell you they'll do, they are almost guaranteed to do the opposite. If it is no trouble and doesn't involve non-refundable deposits, you could reserve the boat and see how your guest list resolves itself. One rule of thumb when it comes to wedding attendance is to assume that 20% of your guests won't be able to make it. I don't know where this equation comes from and I haven't done extensive testing, but when you plug in your numbers, what do you get? If you get a comfortable number, you can feel a little more confident in keeping your cruise reservation, but if the number is too high, I would cancel it and go bowling.

At bottom, you don’t want to put yourself in a situation of having to be nervous about anything at your wedding. You don't want to have to worry about offending someone who forgot to tell you how much she loves authentic sternwheelers, and it would be such a drag to have to turn any of your guests away from something that is sure to be a lot of fun.

I advise you to be cautious for your own sake as well as for your guests' feelings. You don't want to have to be a gatekeeper while you're busy being a bride, and you don't want to have to worry about anyone's feelings or sensitivities. If you are comfortable playing it by ear, then go right ahead, but if you're nervous now, don't take the chance of creating an anxious situation on what should be a happy occasion.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:16 PM    <link>

FAVORS - MUST I?
A QUESTION, AN ANSWER AND A POLL

Dear Elise,

We are planning a budget-conscious wedding with approximately 100 guests. To say that money is tight would be an understatement, and this has turned into the do-it-yourself project of the year. Is it okay not to give favors, or to give favors that double as decorations for the tables? We are planning to place votive holders around the centerpieces with tea-lights in them. Obviously I would like them to be lit throughout the reception for ambiance. I was going to stencil them with our monogram, but I am running out of steam, especially considering all the other projects left to do. They don't really sound suitable for favors, used and plain and all, do they? I'm not sure I have the time, energy, or money to start yet another Martha Stewart project, and I hate the idea of going through the hours that will take just for them to never get used, or appreciated, or even brought home! Should I dump favors all together, or suck it up and monogram the votives?

Consider Me:

- Not Wanting to Offend But Getting Tired

Dear Getting Tired,

Allow me to relieve you of your burden. You can take the entire notion of favors and toss it right out the window if you like. Nowhere is it written that on top of getting married, you must provide souvenirs for your guests. Their happy memories should be reward enough.

Wedding favors are another regional and cultural custom that has been thoroughly exploited by the wedding industry. There are a number of European cultures, for instance, that traditionally give out almonds (plain or candied) as favors. One friend of mine spent many hours before her wedding wrapping up hundreds of Jordan almonds in little bits of tulle to please her fiance's mother, for whom this was an important gesture. If you don't have to please anyone and if there are no superstitions or weird requests you feel obliged (if reluctant) to honor, then kick off your shoes, pour yourself an extra glass of wine and take a long bath every night with the time you would have spent monogramming those votives.

What do people do with favors, anyway? I can imagine what happens to the food ones, though I always have trouble eating beautiful cookies or hand painted chocolates. (I'm struggling even now with the temptation to maul the cute chocolate Easter pig in the dining room- his ears are looking so tender and vulnerable.) But what happens to all the other items that people hand out? If anyone has received anything wonderful or useful, please write and let me know. In two weeks (on April 13th) I'll post a list of the top 15 most delightful favors, with the caveat that no one needs to actually give these things out.

So, get some rest, Getting Tired, and enjoy the sleep of the just, no one will be offended.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:19 PM    <link>

PHOTO FINISH

Dear Elise,

I'm getting married this June. The wedding planning has been extremely difficult and stressful partly due to my fiance's family. My family is wealthy, his is not, and this is causing problems. They feel intimidated and not good enough. The location has been changed a few times to make them feel "comfortable," and the guest list has been altered numerous times so no one feels slighted, etc.

My parents hired the wedding photographer and purchased a package that includes pictures that we plan to give to my family. We can order more, but would have to pay for each print. Are we obligated by etiquette to pay for his parents' pictures? Is it in bad taste to tell his parents if they want pictures they will have to pay for them? We're not trying to be cheap, but my family has already taken over all of the groom's family responsibilities and my parents have just had enough!

- Photo Fuss

Dear Photo,

Wedding pictures are one of the last hurdles of nuptial fussiness because everyone realizes (usually simultaneously) that they will be the eternal record of the event and wants them to be perfect. But just because the photo issue is a sensitive one, doesn't necessarily mean your future in-laws will seize the opportunity to make a stink.

There really is no rule of etiquette regarding miscellaneous wedding expenses. Even the "tradition" in which the bride's family pays for the nuptials is largely ignored these days, so your parents are in no way required to purchase prints for your fiance's family. Since they may want pictures, you should give your future in-laws a chance to buy some. Be direct. Present them with a price list and contact sheet, and let them know how they can place an order. Don't imply that you will assume any costs. Your fiance's family is clearly uncomfortable about money and telling them that they can handle these expenses privately may actually help put them at their ease.

There is really no way you could come off as cheap or mean by not buying a set of photos for your in-laws, and given your own family's contributions to the wedding, it is unlikely they will complain, even if they are pills in other respects.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:00 AM    <link>

NO ESCORT PLEASE

Dear Elise,

I'm well aware that weddings are about families and communities as much as about the bride and groom, but right now that just makes eloping seem all the more appealing. I'm 37, have never been close to my father, although he has always been in my life, and feel like I'm caught in the twilight zone now that he and his second wife want to contribute so much to the wedding. My dilemma is that I want to celebrate independence and free will and walk down the aisle alone, but my father wants to escort me. Clearly it wouldn't ruin my day to let my father walk with me, but I don't know if I can accede to it without feeling a bit bullied. Where is the line between good etiquette, being a polite, obliging daughter, and standing up for oneself, being a polite daughter who puts her own wishes ahead of her father's?

Thanks,
Wanting to Be a Grown Up

Dear Wanting,

Understandable. Understandable. Weddings do strange things to the mind. They possess people and make them suddenly want to embrace tradition even if the emotion is absent and make people see the symbolism in gestures that ordinarily don't bear much more than a second thought. There is no easy way to break the Wedding Spell, I'm afraid. It is far more powerful than common sense.

It is true that brides and grooms don't act alone in their weddings and generally find themselves taking the wills of others into account, but this doesn't mean you must bend to your father's wishes. How strongly do you feel about this? If not wanting help down the aisle is non-negotiable to you, you're entitled to stick to your guns. You just may want to compromise elsewhere.

You don't mention the details of your wedding, but if you are not getting married in a church, you can weasel your way around the issue by forgoing a procession entirely. I went to a wedding that started as a cocktail party. The drinks part of the evening got interrupted by the judge, who plucked the wedding couple out of the crowd and performed the ceremony without any fanfare at all. Then everyone got to eat. This may be too informal for you. Alternatively, you could sit down with your father and talk to him about your squeamishness, and offer him an alternative: perhaps you wouldn't mind if he had the first dance with you, or maybe there is some other gesture he would like to make (a toast maybe). Would you be open to him escorting his wife down the aisle as part of your procession? There are a number of possibilities, and I think you can be honest with him about how this one tradition makes you feel without implying that you are rejecting him (even if you are, just a little bit).

As I've said before, when it comes to family, issues of etiquette get a bit murky. You don't need to accede to your father's wishes because you need to be polite, you feel obliged because he is your father and is contributing to your wedding. There are no real rules here, but to go against perceived tradition and your father's feelings means you must be gentle and liberal, offer alternatives and be careful with how you phrase things to him. You can get what you want, but it may take diplomacy of a sort we have not seen for at least two administrations now.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:24 PM    <link>

SHOWERS AND SPENDING

Dear Elise

My cousin recently invited my two daughters and me to her daughter's shower. Can you to tell me an average amount of money that would be a proper amount to spend. I haven't been to a shower in years and I do not want any of us to under spend.

-Shower Novice

Dear Elise,

Our friend is getting married in June and has told us that she really is not into the showery thing. She had heard of Jack and Jill parties and thinks this is the way she wants us to go. She and her fiance live together and could do without the household items they already probably have.

I have done my research, and have also been to these functions and know that there is typically a door charge, which admits guests into the party, where there is a DJ, snacks, a raffle for prizes and a 50/50 for the couple. All of the money raised first pays the party expenses, and all left over cash goes to the couple. Do you agree?

Is it tacky to send out shower invites in the form of Jack and Jill announcements? Is it proper to put "in lieu of gifts, tickets are (said amount)"?

Any help you can give on this would be great, as we need to get to it quickly,

- Helpful bridesmaid

Dear Novice and Helpful,

Your questions represent two sides of the shower drama, and demonstrate why I have so much trouble with these parties. Frankly, the answers to both queries lie in your own backyards. Cultural and regional customs worm their ways into the front of people's minds, leaving the delicacies of traditional etiquette bleating by the wayside. This is unfortunate, so here's my bid for universal manners.

Showers are insidious not only because they require that presents be presented, but also because they encourage comparisons among friends and relatives. All the gifts get put on stage and unwrapped in front of a captive audience. Guests, plied with tea sandwiches, squirm when they realize their offerings look shabby compared to others, or feel smug when theirs earn applause for creativity or luxury. In truth, Novice, no one should ever spend more money than he or she can afford on shower presents, and this is why there is no monetary guideline. If you're worried or at a loss for what to get, quiz your host to see if the bride has registered somewhere or has expressed any wishes. Remember, you and your daughters can always get a present together, which may allow you to afford something larger than you could get as individuals. Above all, however, do not allow yourselves to be bullied.

Helpful, as far as Jack and Jill showers go, I confess, I do not care for them, not even a little. You can see my pained reaction to these events in "Shower Horror" 8.19.2004. As a Kind Reader informed me, Jack and Jill showers are often a regional practice (she said they are popular in parts of Ontario). While this may be the case where you live, my objections are simple: any party that charges an entry fee is a benefit, and most people I know do not qualify for 501(c)3 charity status. While showers do demand presents, the notion of turning a party into a fundraiser for the bride and groom is just too, too brutally mercenary to me. Shower guests at least have flexibility regarding how much they spend, whereas Jack and Jill showers require the price of admission and often more money for raffles and various games. As a result, I can't comment on your proposed invitation language because I just don't agree with this kind of event. Having said all of that, you may live in a community that is familiar with Jack and Jill parties and feel confident that throwing one won't confuse and alienate guests, in which case, you can take your chances.

I wish I would be more encouraging of this trend. Clearly, given how many letters I receive from people wanting cash as wedding gifts, people want and need money to establish their lives together, but it really is not the job of the wedding or the events surrounding it to supply the bridal couple with the means to the life they crave. A present, even if it is required, should still represent something of the free will of the giver. This is why you should be able to spend what you want, and not be charged at the door.

Cheers and good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:42 AM    <link>

FENDING OFF FAMILY THREATS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I set our date for October 2005, which should provide plenty of time to get wedding together. We are looking at our wedding (2nd for both of us) as a really fun party. I am a really organized woman, but I'm finding that my time is spent dealing with family issues.

My parents have been divorced for 27 years and my mother STILL harbors resentment. My younger sister does not speak to my father and they dislike the fact that I have a relationship with him. All of this is ridiculous. Now I'm dealing with thinly veiled threats that my sister, my mother, or my brother-in-law won't be able to control him- or herself in the presence of my father. I want them to act like the adults that they are for 4 hours and think about me, and my wedding instead of themselves. Apparently it doesn't seem like it will be possible. What do you suggest? I'm ready to let them know that if they cannot control themselves from making a scene, that they will be welcome to make other plans for that weekend. Is that too harsh?

Thanks,

Mature Daughter

Dear Mature,

I can't type it in polite company, but I am reminded here of the first line of Philip Larkin's poem "This Be the Verse." Your family is trying hard to mess with you and so far you have valiantly and admirably withstood their advances. Don't falter now.

Because you are talking about family and civility, this does sadly fall a little outside the general rules of etiquette, but that doesn't mean you are without recourse. There are a number of gentle circumspect things you can say to your mother, your sister and her husband. Rephrase them as suits you.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"I wish you wouldn't threaten me. My wedding day is supposed to be happy"
"Is my wedding too painful for you to attend?"
"I'm sorry you don't feel you can control yourself. It is too bad you can't try to have fun for my sake."
"Why are you telling me this?"

You certainly can ask them not to come if they think they can't control themselves, but before you resort to any strong-arm tactics, try the sad, soft approach. The statements above (or variations on them) should force them to come to terms with their selfish behavior and realize that they risk alienating you by exercising their right to free speech.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with such ugly behavior. Remember, one warning is rarely enough for toddlers and considering the relative maturity being expressed by your mother, sister and brother-in-law, you may have to caution your relatives a few times. As the only middle school teacher I liked used to say: "Repetition is the key to all learning. Would you like me to repeat that?"

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:55 PM    <link>

THE RIGHT TO BRING YOUR SPOUSE

Dear Elise,

I'm wondering what to do about inviting partners to my wedding. We are having a small wedding and have been overseas for 5 years. We don't want to invite friends' partners we hardly know, and I feel okay with cutting boyfriends and girlfriends from the list, but some of our friends have gotten married while we were away. Can we get away with not inviting the new spouses?

- Complicated Guest List

Dear Complicated,

Please tell me you're not pitching me one of those "tree falls in a forest" questions. Are you pondering whether- if you weren't around to see your friends get married- their union should count? It does, of course. And that means that you do need to invite spouses of friends to your wedding, unless you don't want to maintain these friendships.

The long-standing policy regarding partners and guest lists is that all spouses (or long-term companions) of friends and relatives are invited to weddings (and other affairs). Committed couples always get treated as a unit. The fact that you don't know the people your friends married (or live with, or who are otherwise committed to each other) doesn't detract from the legitimacy of their union, and it would be considered mighty eccentric or mean-spirited of you to deny them the company of their life partners. You are right, however, in thinking that you are under no obligation to offer your single friends and relatives the option of bringing a guest to be named later. Single people can indeed be invited to attend solo, and you wouldn't be responsible for any recriminations, tears or threats.

If you are truly strapped and want or need to keep your guest list to the absolute minimum, I would suggest eloping or celebrating only with immediate family. This will spare you all invitation angst and will leave your friends happy for you, not furious. Spare yourself. You will have more fun in the long run.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:50 PM    <link>

PHOTO FINISH

Dear Elise,

I'm getting married this June. The wedding planning has been extremely difficult and stressful partly due to my fiance's family. My family is wealthy, his is not, and this is causing problems. They feel intimidated and not good enough. The location has been changed a few times to make them feel "comfortable," and the guest list has been altered so no one feels slighted, etc.

So, my parents hired the wedding photographer and purchased a package that includes pictures that we plan to distribute to my family. We can order more, but would have to pay for each print. Are we obligated by etiquette to pay for his parents' pictures? Is it in bad taste to tell his parents if they want a picture they will have to pay for it themselves? We're not trying to be cheap, but my family has already taken over all of the groom's family responsibilities and my parents have just had enough!

- Photo Fuss

Dear Photo,

Wedding pictures are one of the last hurdles of nuptial fussiness because everyone realizes (usually simultaneously) that they will be the eternal record of the event and wants them to be perfect. But just because the photo issue is a sensitive one, doesn't necessarily mean your future in-laws will seize the opportunity to make a stink.

There really is no rule of etiquette regarding miscellaneous wedding expenses. Even the "tradition" in which the bride's family pays for the nuptials is largely ignored, so your parents are in no way required to purchase prints for your fiance's family. Since they may want pictures, you should give your future in-laws a chance to buy some. Be direct. Present them with a price list and contact sheet, and let them know how they can place an order. Don't imply that you will assume any costs. Your fiance's family is clearly uncomfortable about money and telling them that they can handle these expenses privately should actually help put them at their ease.

There is really no way you could come off as cheap or mean by not buying a set of photos for your in-laws, and given your own family's contributions to the wedding, it is unlikely they will complain, even if they are pills in other respects.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:55 PM    <link>

IN-LAW UGLINESS

Dear Elise,

I have tried as hard as I can, but I cannot connect with my future parents-in-law. It seems I have to resign myself to having a cold, reserved relationship with them. Since I got engaged, I have made a real effort to include my future mother-in-law in my wedding planning. I send emails asking for her input and consistently get no response. Instead, she leaks snide comments through my fiance. She hates the idea of cupcakes, doesn't understand why I don't want a DJ, and is opposed to having a non-religious ceremony.

When my fiance suggested that both sets of parents contribute to pay for the wedding, his parents said: "Traditionally, the bride's parents pay for everything." I am just about at my wits end. Is there a polite way to inform them that if they insist on all this "tradition," it is their job to pay for the honeymoon?

Thanks,

-Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

It is hard to give up on people, but in this case, you'd be doing yourself and your future in-laws a favor to gently write them off. How does abandoning them help you? It reduces your blood pressure and will relieve or prevent migraine. How will ditching them help your future in-laws? It may make you less inclined to hate them.

Since you've tried, in a methodical, considerate way to engage your fiance's mother in wedding planning and she has rewarded you with silence and sneaky comments, pull the plug. Withhold all information. She isn't worth your time or energy right now. If she asks about your silence, you can always say something lively along these lines: "Oh I've been so busy, I hadn't noticed. Are you all right?" Then do not elaborate. Let her stew.

Really, who knows what is going on with your future in-laws? Perhaps they're upset over the ceremony, maybe they're having problems relinquishing their son to his new life; it is possible the weather isn't agreeing with them. It doesn't matter. Stop trying. Let your fiance deal with them (though maybe he could refrain from telling you about his mother's unpleasantness regarding your plans, unless he's sticking up for you).

Given the state of things, you probably know that you can't really ask your future in-laws for money. They aren't going to be willing to pay for your honeymoon, and the tradition of having the groom's family's pay for the honeymoon is actually sketchy at best. Most of all, any offer of honeymoon cash might be a present you would regret accepting anyway, since you would have to hear about your in-laws' generosity for the rest of your natural days. You'll be happiest, in the end, if you adopt a policy of polite, sweet-smiling distance with them and have a fabulous wedding in spite of their bad attitudes.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:30 PM    <link>

OFFICE POLITICS
2 Questions

Dear Elise,

I started a job a year ago, and am getting married this summer. At work, I am one of 4 people who work in a small section of a large workplace, and we are all women (my boss, 2 colleagues, one of whom is on maternity leave, and her replacement).

I am feeling a kind of passive-aggressive pressure to invite all of them to the wedding, since they all ask about it all the time and have been kept up-to-date of arrangements. My problem is this: if I invite them, I'm inviting my boss and her husband (which I don't mind), my colleague and her boyfriend, my other colleague (with whom I don't even really get along), her partner, her 4 year old and her newborn, and my new colleague and any date she may have. That's 10 people, an entire table.

I like them well enough, but I really want to keep work separate from my private life. But since we are all women, there's a kind of a pressure to always do everything together, even social things. I hate it but don't want to be a stick-in-the-mud. How do you gently deflect the kind of probing questions from people who may want to be invited?

I'm trying to cut down our invitation list so that we can invite some actual friends, including some that I've maintained from my previous job.

Help?

~ Working For a Living

Dear Elise,

I am having a small wedding on a very limited budget. I work in a small office of 7 attorneys, including myself and my boss, and 7 support staff. Two of the attorneys are people I consider friends. Two of the support staff are my assistants (they also work for other attorneys). Two of the attorneys and one of the support staff are people I actively dislike. I feel very strange about inviting just a few people (like the 2 friends and my boss) from such a small office and excluding others, but if I invite everyone and a guest for each, the majority of my part of the guest list will be people who I only marginally want to be with.

Do I have to invite everyone in my office? If so, do I have to include a guest invitation with each one of them? Only 2 are married, but many are in serious relationships.

- Office Issues

Dear Working and Issues,

Co-workers share some strange qualities with family members in the context of weddings. If you invite one, you have to include a large group of them, even if you don't like them, and if you offend them somehow, you risk having to hear about your misstep for what feels like an eternity.

Now that I've frightened you further, what should you do? Understand that you are under no obligation to invite anyone from your office to your wedding. If pushed, you can always say that you are having a small wedding, that you don't have as much flexibility with the guest list as you thought you might have and there are a lot of people you would love to invite but can't. This language can be handily used with anyone looking for an invitation. Be warm, but reveal little and promise nothing.

It doesn't matter if your office knows the details of your wedding. Everyone will be happy for you and curious. From now on, though, you would be wise to be circumspect with the information you share. It is tricky, because you can't keep a wedding secret from people you see every day, but if you want to keep your nuptials private, and entirely separate from your work life, try to avoid elaborate discussions your plans.

In general, I can't tell either of you what you should do, since your decisions really depend on what makes you comfortable and how you feel your co-workers will react. Because of the intimacy of your offices, you may find it difficult to only invite a couple of people, but the obvious choice would be to invite your bosses. No one would fault you for that gesture. If you do want to invite the whole group, you are still under no obligation to include their children, unless all of your other guests' kids are going to be there (in which case excluding them would be so obvious as to be potentially insulting).

Good luck. It is uncomfortable, and perhaps easier to make it an "all or nothing" decision, which runs the least risk of offending anyone. In any case, you are on solid ground with whatever choices you make.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:10 PM    <link>

BAND VS. EX-FRIEND

Dear Elise,

Recently, a friend of mine started sending me abusive emails. I had already sent her a save-the-date card for my June wedding, but her messages were so vicious, I have no qualms about not inviting her. What troubles me is that I hired her husband's band to play our wedding. I have already given a deposit of $100 but didn't sign a contract. I have also been in email correspondence with my friend's husband. Will he back out of the deal because I'm not getting along with his wife? If not, do I necessarily want him to be my wedding band? I am nervous because this band is cheap and has a great sound. If they bail on us, we will only have 3 months and approximately $1,000 to get a new band. But if they play, will she somehow sabotage my wedding? Do I have the right to fight for my $100 deposit?

We also have a mutual friend, who has been awkward towards me since the emailing began. This friend is more partial to her than me. Now I feel weird about having her at my wedding too! I don't want to have to act at my wedding. I want to be surrounded by people who I care about and in return care about me. Any thoughts?

Thanks,

Anxious

Dear Anxious

Your questions do not really pose problems of etiquette, but etiquette may help you get to the bottom of them without bloodshed.

If you truly don't want your friend (or former friend) at your wedding, it is certainly your prerogative not to invite her. Having said that, you would be wise to have a conversation with her husband about whether he feels comfortable playing your wedding, given the changed circumstances, which, presumably, he knows about. If he does back out then he should refund your deposit.

But how do you feel? Do you want his band to play your wedding? What exactly do you imagine when you worry that your ex-friend might sabotage the proceedings? If you are seriously concerned, then you may not want to take any chances, in which case you should be prepared to tell the husband that the problems with his wife make you uncomfortable and be prepared to forfeit the deposit. You know best what your feelings are, but if you are the one to back out on the deal, the deposit stays with the band. I know you don't have a contract, but it would be the honorable thing to do.

As for your other question, you are really only having problems with one friend, not your friend's friends. For your own sanity it would be wise to keep this fact in perspective. There is no need to clear your guest list of anyone who has ever had a kind word to say about the Spiteful Emailer. In fact, keeping your mutual friend on the guest list would show that you are not including her in the fight and that you feel good about sharing your happiness with her.

Don't be hasty; don't be vindictive. If you're straightforward with everyone, your chances for unruffled nuptials are so much greater.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:42 AM    <link>

WATCH THE MAILS

Dear Elise,

How early is too early to send out your invitations? Since we are getting married on a Friday in October, and a lot of family and friends will be coming in from out of town, we wanted to send the invitations out in May so that people who need to plan for a day off (subtract it from their traditional summer holidays, etc.) will have plenty of time to make the arrangements. But is May too early?

- Thinking Ahead


Dear Thinking,

In a word, yes, sending out invitations in May for an October wedding is too early. Traditionally, invitations go out between four and six weeks before the wedding (though one may add a few days if the mailing is being sent during the holidays, when the post can get delayed and bogged down in all those greeting cards and fruitcakes flying around the world). If you send the invitations out too early, you run the risk of people forgetting or losing them or not RSVP-ing and then you'll be stuck with dozens of eleventh-hour panicked phone calls that you won't have time to deal with.

You are right to want to give people fair warning of your wedding date, so that they have a chance to make plans. Your situation is the perfect one for Save the Date cards (which, I realize, I frequently say are not particularly useful, but make an exception here). You can send these notices out as early as you like. This bit of stationery is informal and can even be a postcard. The relevant information to include would be your names and wedding date and location. If you have a wedding web site or any other details, you can put them on the card too, but you're really just getting the word out.

Congratulations.

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:36 AM    <link>

BUT REALLY, IS THIS A SHOWER?

Hi Elise,

I have a question regarding a party my fiance's mother and sister want to throw for me this spring (I'm getting married at the end of June). They want to have a celebratory tea (not a shower) for me in their city where I've never lived. The purpose is to introduce me to their old neighbors and friends, and they will ask that no one give any presents. I'm a little confused because I've never met most of the people they're inviting, and we won't be inviting them to the wedding.

I tried to explain to my fiance that you aren't supposed to invite people to a shower who aren't invited to the wedding, but he just said it was an introductory tea, not a shower. Now, we've been together 5 1/2 years, and engaged since last May. It seems late in the game to be introducing me to people, and also a little late to be celebrating the engagement.

I love going to high tea, and I really do get along well with my future mother and sister in law. I think they're feeling a little left out of the wedding planning, which my parents and I are mostly doing because the wedding is at my parents' house. My question is, just how improper is this tea, and should we invite the tea guests to the wedding, knowing they'll never come? What is the etiquette here?

Thanks!

Skittish

Dear Skittish,

Showers have so many weird trappings, traditions and implied associated rules that it is no wonder you feel nervous. It must seem that accepting anything other than the most obvious, rigidly defined shower offer will lead you into a strange realm where your happy assent will somehow result in your having to feel guilty for the rest of your days.

If you go for this party, however, you're on safe ground. A tea is just that. If people choose to bring presents, you are under no obligation to invite them (even if you assume they won't show up anyway). It certainly seems as if your future mother- and sister-in-law want to do nothing more than have a party welcoming you to the family on their turf, and if you have no objections, then let them have at it.

This is not to say that this party won't be a little daunting. This will be a fete full of relative strangers who know all kinds of things about you, after all, but accepting your future in-laws' offer will make them happy and satisfy what may be a nagging urge of theirs to entertain. (Some people feel these twinges, others don't. I can't explain it, but indeed, the itch to throw a party even comes over me- once a year.)

Have a wonderful time. Enjoy your tea and revel in getting such a warm welcome to your fiance's family and community.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:48 PM    <link>

TOO YOUNG TO PARTY

Dear Elise,

My daughter’s Bat Mitzvah is coming up and we’re finalizing the invitation list. We have a number of adult friends with whom our daughter is friendly with their oldest child, but not the younger siblings. We would love to invite just the adults and the oldest child. How can I do this without offending these families? Part of me says just invite them all to save face. But, from previous experience at other events, I feel these younger kids are not mature enough to conduct themselves properly at such an affair and would take away from my daughter’s fun. Please help us solve this pressing dilemma ASAP!

Warmly,

Mitzvah Mother

Dear Mother,

Something's in the air. I've heard many versions of this question lately. Could it be impending springtime, with its emphasis on new life and airborne allergens that makes people dread the shrieking of little kids, or is the collective conscious just sick of toddlers?

Never mind the "whys." There are a few ways to limit kids at major events, and recently ("Alternative Kid Limits" 2.11.2005) I wrote about the delicate art of setting age limits at weddings. A month later, I must repeat and highlight the warning I gave then that when one excludes siblings, one runs a terrible risk of offending the parents. While plenty of people may be willing to accept that children, generally, are not welcome at an event, many fewer will relish the implication- however veiled- that their younger children are small horrors.

The reason an age cut-off works at all for weddings is that these events can be considered "adult." They often demand patience during long ceremonies, and are frequently held at hours unsuitable for small children (or any children, if one follows the current thinking that little kids get overstimulated at the drop of a hat). A Bar or Bat Mitzvah, on the other hand, celebrates young adulthood. Even the guest of honor is still years from being able to vote, drive, drink, or marry, and the parties are usually held during (at least a few) daylight hours. In this case, the distinction between grown-up party and child-friendly bash is beyond blurry. The chances are astronomically high that you'll run afoul of your friends, who will wonder what you have against their youngest, or at least why you need to protect your daughter from them.

If you find it is too difficult not to include these youngest children, perhaps you can contain them so that they don't interfere with your daughter's well-earned pleasure. You could brace yourself with a bunch of age-appropriate activities and the parents of the little kids could take shifts supervising them during the festivities. You and your daughter may not even know they're around. Your friends may be happy to oblige in this way, since you've made an effort to make everyone comfortable and happy.

Deciding to exclude children based on age is possible, but not necessarily worth it, given how such a rule risks hurting everyone's feelings and damaging otherwise strong friendships. In your circumstances, it may be safer to bite the bullet and make the best of some time with the toddlers.

Congratulations to you and your daughter,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:58 AM    <link>

LEFT OUT OF THE WEDDING PARTY
OR
WHAT IS THE GROOM THINKING?
-2 QUESTIONS-

Dear Elise,

My brother is getting married in April. I am in the wedding as are my two daughters (flowergirls). Unfortunately, it doesn't appear as though my brother is planning on asking my husband to be in the wedding party. I feel terrible about it as the rest of us are in it and my future sister-in-law asked her brother's spouse to be in the wedding. How do I handle the hurt feelings with this situation?

- Nervous Sister

Dear Elise,

My question is about the place of a bride's brother in a wedding. She has only the one brother and her fiance is an only child. Her brother was not asked to be a groomsman, but shouldn't he be asked to at least be an usher? They are very close siblings, is he getting the short end of the stick?

- Concerned

Dear Nervous and Concerned,

Yours are less issues of etiquette than family politics; I fear getting to the bottom of your questions may bring more discomfort than consolation. The bottom line is: there are no rules in wedding party selection and God only knows what these grooms are thinking.

A word of caution, Nervous: if your husband has truly been excluded from the wedding party, there is little you can do to change the state of affairs. Do you really want to probe the reasons why? If your relationship with your brother permits, you can steel yourself and talk to him about his plans. Are your brother and your husband close? If not, perhaps your sibling is exercising his desire to only have people he feels have been most supportive over the years stand up for him. This doesn't imply anything negative about your husband, and no one should assume that it does. It may merely mean that there are people who know your brother better.

It is not a universal requirement that all siblings (or, for that matter, their spouses) should be included in wedding parties, so while it feels awkward to you, Nervous, that your future sister-in-law has asked her brother's wife to stand up for her, or, Concerned, that the bride's brother seems to have been left out, there really is no "official" neglect at work. If you are comfortable, you can quiz these men, gently, about their choices, but don't try to influence their decisions. No one needs pressure to modify his or her wedding party and you'll only generate guilt and resentment. It will be much better all the way around if you clear the air and then write the incident off. In the end, and here is the Pollyanna in me speaking, both men may feel less slighted than relieved that they can be regular "civilian" guests and not be dragged into the rigmarole that goes into being a member of the wedding.

Concerned, because the bride and her brother are close, perhaps you can ask her if there is another honorary duty that she could give her brother. He might, for instance, be the witness on her marriage license or "emcee" the toasts. There are many opportunities for her to recognize her relationship with her brother, and perhaps all she needs to do is voice her plans to restore domestic tranquility.

Above all, please try not to take the decisions of these grooms too hard. Remember, weddings only last a day (or two), after which everyone can resume normal life and get back to the regular business of being siblings.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:38 AM    <link>

GOTTA DANCE

Dear Elise,

I have a minor question. We want to have an informal wedding and cocktail type reception (smallish, 50-75 guests), no DJ or band. Now my fiance tells me he wants a dance, just one... with his wife (he is the sweetest).

So my question is one of timing. If we’re all just mingling with drinks and hors d'oeuvres post ceremony, when might a dance take place? Wouldn’t the two of us beginning to dance, signify to our guests that this is the dancing part of the program? And how does one advise family that it’s just us, and no cutting in please? It seems awkward in my head. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for all of your advice.

Sincerely,

Private Dancer

Dear Private,

What you're asking to do is to split the difference between embracing tradition and ignoring it. So, your plan doesn't really bring up a question of etiquette so much as some issues of logistics, which are just as delicate and frustrating. How will you deal with hot-to-(fox)trot guests? What will you do about a sound system? Who will take care of technical problems for one number?

The easiest way for you to get a single dance in might be for your officiant to use it as a way of introducing you and your husband as a married couple. (S/he could say something along the lines of: "Please welcome the newlyweds as they enjoy their first dance together." During your dance, guests could perhaps begin to enjoy some drinks and passed around snacks, and then the cocktail hour could really kick in when you and your husband finish.

If the dance is really just yours, then you might do well to warn Those Most Likely to Cut In to restrain themselves, and you can certainly do that ahead of time. (It may help to caution your officiant, or anyone else you choose to have emcee the festivities not to encourage further dancing.) This may be a little awkward no matter what you do. People do like dancing and might not be able to restrain themselves, but if you keep the proceedings moving along at a rapid clip (dance, cocktails, dinner, toasts, etc.) you'll be in good shape and people won't have too much of a chance to feel deprived of an opportunity to show off what years of watching Fred Astaire movies can do to one's mind.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:18 AM    <link>

WANTING, ASKING, GETTING
A WEDDING PRESENT DOUBLE HEADER

Dear Elise,

My fiancee and I are in our 30's and are largely squared away in the house wares department. We are registering for a few items, but we were considering registering for our honeymoon - something a friend of mine recently did. When my future mother-in-law learned of this she said that she and her friends did not want to pay for our honeymoon, but wanted to buy us "traditional gifts." She also said that they "knew what we should get" and would buy us those things. I'm from the east coast, where money is traditionally given as a wedding present. This apparently is not the tradition elsewhere. Any suggestions on how to get what we want, as opposed to what others think we need?

Hankering for a Honeymoon

Dear Elise,

I don't mean to sound cold or tacky, but my fiance and I have lived together for over three years. We both are designers with very particular taste, and we have no desire to receive another toaster, sheet set, or blender. The ONLY thing we really want, is a house.

We don't have much money. Is there ANY way to politely ask for monetary gifts? This is a very gray area with my family. Some say absolutely not while others (the family members who are "rooting" for us) say sure, and want to do it creatively.

It has been suggested that we set up an account purely for money gifts, and have attendants and family members give the account information out to the rest of the wedding guests. I have heard that travel agents do this for honeymoons. My aunts also want to spread the word themselves - they say they don't care about seeming 'tacky' and want the best for us. They want to construct a small "dollhouse" with an envelope slot so people can feel "symbolic" about where the money is going.

I just don't want to offend. What do you think?

RenterBride

Dear Hankering and RenterBride,

Do you truly want to walk with the angels and be inoffensive? If so, I'll hit you with it: No, there is really no way to politely tell people you want them to buy you a house or a vacation.

I'm not saying all is lost, though, far from it. You are free to register anywhere for anything with the understanding that your friends and relatives may not pay any attention to your registries. It is simply the way of things.

This question keeps coming up, and I do understand that it seems reasonable that one should be able to place requests. How different is a cash request from a registry, really? But as I've described in other columns ("Registry Woes" 12.21.2003, "Cash Requests" 1.16.2004, "Present Negotiations" 8.25.2004) it is impossible to send out an all points bulletin asking for cash without seeming mercenary.

Both of you want to solicit money, something I heard a story about recently. A friend received a wedding invitation that included a card instructing people to simply deposit money in the wedding couple's bank account. To facilitate matters, the bride and groom provided their account number. My friend felt angry and bullied. (Her father apparently weighed in, telling her to calm down because everything would backfire on the wedding couple. Some rascal or another would no doubt trot to the bank, armed with all the appropriate information, and plunder the wedding account.) I describe this little folly not only to warn you not to be profligate with your banking information, but to caution against including registry details in your wedding invitations. It just seems too mercenary to make a present request at the same time as you are requesting the honor of someone's presence.

So, Hankering, go for it. Register for the honeymoon of your wildest imaginings, but be prepared to unwrap some interesting items that people will insist you can't live without. Indeed, you may discover that something actually hits.

RenterBride, if it is just a question of your aunts telling people who ask them what you would like that cash is the best of all presents, then you are on reasonably solid ground. However, their "creative" ways of spreading the word could be off-putting. Are they suggesting that they will call everyone or do some sort of mailing announcing your wishes? If so, that would be uncomfortable-making and potentially annoying. Their dollhouse idea actually does play on wedding traditions from various cultures and regions. Some traditions insist that the wedding couple receive envelopes of money, others tend to feature "wishing wells" or wedding "mailboxes" for checks and cards at the wedding. The risk you run here is that people may plan to send their presents and might not show up at the festivities with ATM cards or checkbooks handy. It could work for you, but unless you come from a background where the cash gift is popular, you may have a lot of people wondering what the dollhouse is for.

Fundamentally, one is at the mercy of one's guests. Some will absolutely refuse to give monetary presents; others may embrace the idea. You can't control them and it isn't right to push. Your guests' offerings are not meant necessarily to provide you with the life you most desire, rather they are tokens representing their personalities (for better or worse) as much as they are intended for your pleasure.

I wish I had a better answer for people who want and need monetary presents, but unless you come from a community where the cash gift rules, your wishes can come off as demanding or calculating, not practical, and why open the door for trouble?

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:37 PM    <link>

PRESENTING THE UN-CHUPPAH

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a non-traditional, non-religious ceremony. It will be outdoors and we want a ceremony with some seriousness. We have become attached to the idea of holding the ceremony underneath a canopy, which will delineate a sacred space. I am also really enamored with the look of the canopy; I want to do it.

The trouble is, it looks like a Jewish chuppah. This would not bother us. We aren't Jewish. There is just one problem: his family used to be Jewish. They were Eastern European immigrants who converted just before the Nazis arrived and lots of his distant relatives died. My fiance was 30 before he ever found out about any of this. No one talks about it, so it is hard to tell if there are strong feelings left over at this point.

Anyway, I want to have my ceremony the way I want to have it, but I don't want to have most of my audience squirming and wondering what it all means. Are there non-Jewish traditions that use a chuppah-like thing in their wedding? Do you think anyone would even notice? I'd talk to them about it, but I am not convinced I'd get a straight answer.

Thanks for any suggestions!

Meaning-But-Not-Too-Much

Dear Meaning,

When is a chuppah just a canopy? You are not the only person to worry that getting married under a canopy could lead to accusations of cultural appropriation. In Kvetch, you can find at least two threads on this topic: "Chuppah or Canopy?" and "Canopy Etiquette for Non-Jews." You are far from alone, but if you read what people have to say, you will find that your choice is not that unusual.

Your concerns have two branches: possibly offending your guests by seemingly using a chuppah and possibly offending your fiance's relatives by raising the very painful issue of religion. Being neither psychic nor a specialist in Judaism, I can't predict how your fiance's extended family would react to your choice, but you can ease both of your worries by treating your canopy as an element of your unique ceremony, not something you have borrowed casually. There are canopy traditions in cultures other than Judaism; no one has exclusive rights to this element, and if you stick with a ceremony that is all your own, and don't make casual or uninformed gestures towards specific religious traditions, you shouldn't offend anyone.

The sharpest approach to take is to be direct, not defensive. You aren't appropriating anything from anyone's present or past faith, you're just doing your own thing.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:32 AM    <link>

REHEARSAL DINNER BULLIES

Dear Elise,

I am not a bride-to-be, rather a frustrated member of the groom's family. My brother was originally planning a wedding in June, 2006, but last Saturday he told me that they have decided to move the wedding up a year.

His bride wants a traditional wedding, as far as finances are concerned. They would like for my husband and me to pay for the rehearsal dinner. (Our mother doesn't even make enough money to support herself and our younger brother, so she couldn't pay for it.) I have agreed to pay for a barbeque dinner in my yard as a rehearsal dinner, but that it not good enough for the bride-to-be. She wants the rehearsal dinner to be held at the country club where the wedding reception will be, and wants us to pay for it. I don't have the finances to cover this, and why should I be expected to take on this burden? I've paid for everything for my brother most of his life and I'm tired of it. Shouldn't they have to pay the tab when they're the ones who moved up the date? All my brother says when I tell him this is that her parents are getting mad that his family isn't paying for anything. Do you have any advice on what else I can do to keep this from turning into a family feud?

- End Of My Rope

Dear End,

You are indeed frustrated - I don't usually receive letters written entirely in capital letters - and with good reason. No one likes to be bullied, especially not in the so-called name of tradition. You realize of course that - even if you were the mother of the groom - no one would come to arrest you if you don't completely accommodate every one of the bride's wishes. (Not yet, at least, though perhaps there is something buried in all the proposed marriage legislation that's bumping around Congress these days that I don't know about, heaven forbid.)

Step back and strip away the details. This has nothing to do with the changed wedding date. Your obligations would be the same if they were getting tomorrow or ten years from now. You were asked to throw a rehearsal dinner and you've offered to host a tasty party that you can afford and that's all that is required of you.

I don't know where the bride, her family and your brother learned what is and is not "traditional," because they certainly didn't develop this attitude from reading standard etiquette texts or being considerate. It really is not up to anyone to dictate the conditions of the rehearsal dinner if they are not paying for it. It is your present to the bride and groom and that's that. I've said this before. Rehearsal events don't even have to be dinners. They can be cocktail parties, teas, dessert affairs, brunches, anything that permits people to get together and enjoy themselves.

So, what can you do to make yourself clear? Be firm. Tell your brother that you love him and support him and that you can afford what you have offered and no more. You are a host and the guests, even the guests of honor, can't force you to spend more than you can afford on them. If they press hard, I'm afraid you'll have to say, without being defensive: "I love you. I want to throw this party for you, but this is what I can offer. Take it or leave it."

Good luck.

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:50 AM    <link>

Home | IndieEtiquette | Kvetch | Links | IndieMom | Books | Essays | Interviews | Columns
Our Vow | Trousseau | Indieblog

Contact us | Press | Submissions | Email updates

Copyright 2008 Indiebride.com
Reproduction of material from any Indiebride pages without written permission is strictly prohibited.