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Saturday, April 30, 2005

WHITHER THE REGISTRY

Dear Elise,

I'm having a disagreement with a colleague over registry information on bridal websites. I am planning my own wedding website which will provide travel and lodging recommendations, and information on a shuttle that we may have to bring guests from the hotel to the wedding site. The colleague says I should also include registry information on the website. I consider that akin to putting registry cards in an invitation. She insists that it's polite to let the guests know where the couple is registered, and that the website is an easy way to do it. I think it looks like a gift grab, and if they want to know where we're registered, they can ask us, or our families, or members of the wedding party. She was so adamant that it was a major convenience to the guests that I'm starting to wonder if my hardline anti-registry position still makes any sense. Can you help me out?

Registry Quandary

Dear Registry,

Sometimes I wish I could poke all know-it-alls with a gentle cattleprod. It would be rude to tell your co-worker to go peel an eel, so I suggest availing yourself of the next best tactic: ignore her.

As to the issue that made this woman reveal herself so unflatteringly, she is not entirely wrong, though happily she is not entirely right. This is one area of wedding registry etiquette where I am somewhat flexible. Because your wedding website is strictly informational, you could include registry information, but only if you are comfortable doing so. If you don't want to include it, you are being commendably discreet and not rude or coy or anything of the sort. You are correct to say that your guests can always ask someone about your registry plans, and if you are worried that the curious might not have a way to reach you, you can use your website to provide contact information in the event of questions or problems.

So there it is. Your feelings about wanting to keep your registry information strictly informal are beyond legitimate, and frankly, if being able to do the opposite of what your colleague suggests makes you most comfortable, you should be even happier doing what you want. You are safe in any event, but don't let her try to bully you. Your instincts are perfectly polite.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:47 PM    <link>

WHETHER TO WEAR WHITE
2 Questions

Dear Elise:

I never see this addressed anywhere so it may be a non-issue. I’m 51, getting married this June in a small, informal wedding in my backyard. This is my first marriage. I’m planning on wearing a simple white princess-line dress, a white lace shawl, and a circlet of flowers on my head. The small bouquet will probably be white roses and whatever lavender colored flower is in season at that time. I should add that I look like I’m 40, tops (as long as I keep the blonde dye touched up on my prematurely white hair, that is). Does this sound appropriate for an aged but first-time bride?

Thanks,

Never Too Late

Dear Elise,

I am 28 and getting married for the second time. I was 18 when I first got married and basically didn’t know what I was getting into! This time it’s “the real thing” and I would like to go all-out. However, what color dress do I buy? Can I wear white, or should I stick to off-white/champagne colors?

Thanks!

Blushing

Dear Never Too Late and Blushing,

Cheers! You both have all sorts of reasons to kick up your heels. Now, do you have some unpleasant friends or creepy relatives who don't really know the score telling you that white dresses are only for virgins? Please, say it isn't so.

White dresses have plenty of rumored origins, but it is really only rather recently that they supposedly convey the message that the bride hasn't had sex. Queen Victoria apparently started the trend because she felt she looked best in white. The white dress actually was a signifier of wealth, since not everyone could afford to buy a dress that would only be worn once in such an impractical color. Now that we're firmly lodged in the twenty-first century, I think it is safe to say that a white dress is a reflection of nothing but the bride's taste.

All of this is to say that you are completely entitled to wear the dresses you want and to decorate yourselves however you like. If anyone thinks to prod you about your sex life you'll just have to blush a little bit and say "I didn't know you cared."

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:05 PM    <link>

THE PARTY NEVER ENDS:
POST-ELOPEMENT FESTIVITIES

Dear Elise,

My husband and I recently eloped. We are both very happy with our decision and my mother-in-law was very supportive. We are going to have an informal party soon to sooth ruffled familial feathers since my mother-in-law and brother-in-law were the only immediate family members invited to the wedding.

My mother-in-law has firmly stated that she will be hosting the party, as a gift to us, and to avoid the impression that my husband and I would be "gift-fishing." We are very grateful however, we do have some etiquette questions.

It is considered impolite for immediate family members to host showers, but if the invitation just calls it a party, will it be clear that gifts are not expected?

People have started asking about registries. Is it impolite to register at this point as we, well, eloped? A lot of our friends are at the college stage of life and do not have a lot of money. Is there a polite way to let them know that we'd rather have their company and to not let the cost of a present deter them from attending? Also, because of the range of friends and family attending, there may be (large) gifts at the party anyway. If I tell people that gifts are not expected, and they don't bring anything, would they be embarrassed if there are gifts on display on a table?

Finally, is there any faux pas in combining the elopement announcement and an invitation to the party? Could you give a few sample wordings? I have found some examples on the internet, but the rhyming verse seemed a little too contrived and cutesy for my taste.

Yours,

And I Thought Eloping Was the Easy Way!

Dear Thought Eloping Was Easy,

Oh, dear. You thought eloping would be easy because you could dodge the financial issues and endless decisions to be made, but you forgot that family is at the heart of most weddings, and family is exceptionally difficult to dodge. Still, from your letter, it sounds as if everyone is happy with your choice and now you can really enjoy your parties.

I can put your biggest fear to rest right away. Since no one is ever required to produce a wedding present, you don't have to worry about pressuring (or appearing to pressure) your guests into bringing gifts for you. If you want to make sure that no one who arrives empty-handed feels uncomfortable, be discreet about the presents you do get. To this end, you would be wise to forgo any gift table and save all your comments for thank you notes.

Having said that, you can certainly register for presents, if you like, but if you're uncomfortable, you can also reassure everyone that all you really want is for them to have a good time at your party. As always, I strongly suggest you do not mention anything about where you have registered on your invitation if you want to avoid being accused of "gift-fishing." (I have never heard that expression, by the way, and I love it.)

If you want to avoid any cute or excessively poetic language, you might have more luck looking at the most spare and formal invitations and providing your own embroidery. Here is an extremely traditional example:

HOST'S NAMES
Request the pleasure of your company
at a party celebrating
The marriage of
YOUR NAME
and
YOUR FIANCE'S NAME

DATE
TIME
PLACE

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:43 AM    <link>

SIBLING RIVALRY AND THE WEDDING PARTY

Dear Elise,

My sister is living with a horrible drunk and abusive boyfriend. they have been together for about 6-8 months. I recently asked her to be a bridesmaid, against my better judgment because she made me feel guilty, and then she backed out of our first appointment at the bridal shop.

I really wanted to share this with her because I thought it might be the first time in our lives that it would be us having fun and finally focusing on me. She is younger than I am, and has always relied on me but never been there for me.

My problem is that after she blew off our plan I got mad and told her I didn't want her in the wedding party. I said she expects me to run when she calls but the only time when I asked her to be sure that she wouldn't back out, she did. What should I do? Should I call her and apologize, because I know she is going through a rough time or do I hope she can forgive me and leave it alone? Either way I feel horrible. I do love her, and I really wish she could be apart of the wedding but I am afraid she will back out or not show if her boyfriend told her to. With or without him she finds something that is always more important than the people she loves.

- Protective and Dejected Older Sister

Dear Protective and Dejected,

How long have you known your sister is a flake? Surely this behavior came as no surprise to you. Your problem is not one of etiquette but of sibling rivalry, and as such you need to ask yourself whether you want to punish your sister or take her at face value and expect nothing more.

As a general matter, it is very difficult to fire any member of the wedding party without unpleasantness. Right now, you're swimming in murky waters. Under duress, you asked her to stand up for you and then in a fit of pique you fired her and this leaves you torn between obligation and irritation. In your letter you say that you want to have fun with your sister and for all the focus to be on you, for once. Understand that this is impossible. Whether it's because she's crazy or oblivious or unhappy or distracted doesn't matter. What you have to decide is whether you can be satisfied with what little your sister can offer you.

Put your choices on the scale. Which is heavier: feeling guilty about firing your sister or having an unreliable bridesmaid? If you have other people you can count on and all that really matters is having your sister as a member of your wedding, then you may want to apologize, ask her back and let her know that the only thing she has to do is show up. If she fails to do that, it will be unfortunate, but at least you weren't counting on her in some important, practical way, and you can say you did your best with her. If you just can't handle her selfishness, then you can leave her out of the wedding party , but know that there may be all kinds of tears and recriminations that could dog you long after your wedding.

Frankly, I tend to advocate the choice that leaves the least blood in the water and in this case, that would mean reinstating your sister as a bridesmaid but giving her no responsibilities besides making herself manifest at your nuptials. If this is something you just can't handle, however, you are free to make the best of a complicated situation and let her remain a civilian at your nuptials.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:29 AM    <link>

MORE PRESENT PROTOCOL

Dear Elise,

Are the parents and attendants in a wedding still required to give a gift?

- Obliged?

Dear Obliged,

I've said it before, but it bears repeating: guests never have to give wedding presents. I should add though, that weddings create all kinds of anxiety for brides and grooms, and even if you do not give a gift, it is always a good idea to send a card with a note thanking the couple for the invitation and the good time that was surely had by all. It never hurts to say a nice thing or two about the wedding.

Your single sentence speaks volumes. I wonder about your use of the words "still required." Do you feel you have been overly taxed by the wedding couple's demands? Even if you have been overwhelmed by the business and can't wait to get back to life as you knew it, you can only help your cause by sending a jolly missive and giving yourself some welcome closure.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:41 PM    <link>

NO STEPFATHER, THANK YOU

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have recently become engaged, and we are delighted to begin planning the intimate wedding we've dreamed of for years. I am anguished at the prospect of inviting my mother's husband, my stepfather, with whom I have shared a tumultuous relationship, at best. He has been verbally abusive to me (of which my mother had been silently well-aware for some time) since my childhood, and I do not wish for him to be present at my nuptials. His residual, unfounded anger towards me persists into my adult years, and the pain of my mother's disregard in this respect has only recently begun to subside. My father died when I was young, and as such, I wish for my mother to walk me down the aisle. I am concerned that my mother's penchant for 'keeping up appearances' and glossing over the very real discord between my stepfather and me will jeopardize the meaning of the day. I am aware that there is no other way to gauge her reaction other than to just come out and inform her of my wishes, but I wonder, am obligated to invite him if I accept her financial assistance? If not, can you suggest a manner in which I may broach the subject?

We want the event to be special and meaningful, and we look forward to designing an intimate ceremony and celebration with our friends, immediate and extended family members whom we love most. If my stepfather must be present, the simple truth is we'd rather elope.

Thank you for your thoughtful consideration.

Best regards,

Almost Eloping

Dear Almost,

I'm very sorry to hear that such a happy circumstance as your engagement forces you to make such drastic decisions. It is too bad that your relationship with your stepfather is so unpleasant and makes you feel distant from your mother, but you are right to understand that, while your wedding choices are yours alone, some are more emotionally expensive to make than others.

The hard news is that there is really no way you can have a wedding that includes your mother and excludes your stepfather. I suspect you probably know this already. Of course, the general idea that once a couple is married, they are invariably considered a unit and are invited together applies. The eternal exception to this rule is in situations where there has been abuse, and while you have certainly suffered at his hands, you may not be able to convince your mother of your reasons for keeping him away from your wedding, particularly if she pays for it.

If you accept financial assistance from your mother, you really won't be able to keep him away. If she contributes, you will have to take her desires into account, and she will certainly want to invite her spouse. Since she seems unwilling or unable to acknowledge your stepfather's abuse, it is almost unimaginable that she would tolerate paying for a wedding at which her husband is not welcome. I know this feels as if she is choosing her husband over you, but please try not to feel that way. If she has deceived herself about your relationship with your stepfather since you were a small child, it is unlikely she will be able to comprehend your feelings today.

If there really is no middle ground for you, then you should prepare to elope, but before you draw your line in the sand, are there possible compromises you could make? What if your stepfather attended as a regular guest without any special distinctions- no walk down the aisle, no toast, no dance with you, no nothing? If you can imagine a non stomach-churning scenario in which he is present at your wedding, then maybe this would be the way to secure your mother's attention and open up a dialogue with her. If that is still too much for you, then you are absolutely entitled to explain your feelings to her, but be prepared to get married on your own, without her and celebrate your new life and new family in which you don't have to fight for love and support.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but you should rejoice in having the muscle to act for yourself. Have a wonderful wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:50 AM    <link>

TIPPING OVER

Dear Elise,

I'm having a small wedding at an all-inclusive resort. Every quote we get from the owner of the resort includes an 18% "service charge." This is everything from the room charges to the wedding cake to the alcohol to the band they arranged for us. When we first met with the owner of the resort, he explained the service charge, but also mentioned that we will want to tip the people working the wedding as well. Does this mean that the owner isn't going to give the "service charge" to his workers? Is this just a tricky way to charge more for everything, or is this fairly standard? What would be an appropriate amount to tip above the 18% if we decide to tip? I don't want to stiff anyone, but I think that an 18% service charge is pretty fair in the first place.

Thanks,
Tipsy

Dear Tipsy,

Tipping isn't really a question of etiquette, but you are more than right to inquire. Money discussions are hideously uncomfortable, but it seems that the resort owner is candidly advising you to tip everyone. The 18% "service charge" is just another way for him to make some extra money and perhaps take care of some incidental expenses. I think you are correct that 18% would be a good percentage for staff tips, but clearly the owner is not going to distribute it to his workers.

Where does this leave you? Tips, generally, are a percentage of the price one pays for each service. Because you are paying a flat fee, it will be a little more difficult to figure out how much you should give everyone. See if you can get an itemized bill. Then you can take what you feel is an appropriate percentage of the food costs with which you can tip all the waiters, bartenders and hosts. The same thing goes for the band tip. If you can't get an itemized bill, then the next course of action would be to talk to someone local (since tipping practices vary so widely from location to location) about what might be appropriate. If you have a contact at the resort who is not the owner, it might be worth a call.

I hope this helps, and I’m sorry you're getting stuck with this savage service charge that, indeed, seems a little much.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:53 PM    <link>

HONOR ATTENDANTS ABROAD

Dear Elise,

I am having a destination wedding, and all of my best friends will be there... all 5 of them. I wasn't going to have a traditional bridal party, but I would like to have honorary maids and matrons of honors. Is it absolutely crazy for me to have all 5 of them? I love them all equally and I don't want to leave anyone out since they are spending so much money to come to the wedding. I don't know how to choose. Please help!!

Fistful of Maids

Dear Fistful,

I must confess, I don't entirely understand the distinction you're making between bridesmaids and honor attendants. Do you want to honor these friends by having them stand up for you without obliging them to get matching dresses? Do you have something different in mind?

If I'm not missing a subtlety, then embrace inclusiveness and ask them all to stand up with you. If your wedding is one of those rare ones in which you have the opportunity to embrace all of your friends and show them how much they mean to you, without any angst or backbiting, then you should grab the chance.

There are no proscribed limits on the size of wedding parties for destination or domestic weddings. Some people even have bridesmaids at elopements which seems a little bit oxymoronic, but hardly problematic. So, enjoy yourself and cross this item off the list of things you have to worry about.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:37 AM    <link>

DELAYED PLEASURES

Dear Elise~

My fiance and I are five weeks away from our wedding, which is very small. We are considering postponing, so we can have more time to work on our relationship. There are not terrible problems, but we have just begun seeing a counselor to help us negotiate some of the difficulties we have. We have not mailed our invitations, and we are trying to decide in the next few days whether or not to do so.

Should we decide to postpone the wedding for a few months, how do we indicate this to guests who have received a save-the-date card? How do we inform our families? Obviously, we want to maintain our privacy over this issue and do not want to say that we are having problems. Rescheduling is part of the plan, but I suspect we will not have a new wedding date in mind when we postpone. How do we do this? And, how do we handle the inevitable follow-up questions from friends and family? And what responsibility do we have to those who have purchased non-refundable plane tickets to attend the wedding party?

From a
Cautious Bride and Groom

Dear Cautious,

Whatever you do, don't cringe. The world could use more people capable of looking before leaping, and it is always, always one's prerogative to chance, cancel or postpone one's own wedding.

From an etiquette standpoint, all you are obliged to do is advise your guests of the change in plans. Any guest indiscreet enough to quiz you about your reasons deserves some classic non-answers. Anything from "I'd rather not discuss it," to "This is what works best for us" will suffice. Do not let people bully you into giving them what they imagine will be juicy details. They will get a greater frisson out of imagining your reasons than actually knowing them, so why spoil their fun if it lets you maintain your privacy?

How you communicate your postponement is another matter. If you have time, you can send out cards that say your wedding has been indefinitely postponed. (You can even, if you're feeling up to it, tell everyone to stay tuned for a new date, time and place.) If you are pressed for time and not inclined to do a mailing, you can telephone your guests and let them know that the wedding is off- for now. The disadvantages to the second course of action are twofold: you have to have a quick tongue and the ability not to get into the details with everyone you call and even if that delicate prospect doesn't bother you, you're stuck making an awful lot of phone calls.

You have no further responsibilities to anyone. Their inconvenience at your postponement is nothing compared the inconvenience you will suffer if you enter into marriage at the wrong time. You must be happy. That is key. If your guests love you enough to attend your wedding, they must love you enough to stay away when they're told to.

Congratulations on your courage and your future marriage,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:54 AM    <link>

THE FINE ART OF SAYING "NO"

Dear Elise,

For all the familiar reasons, we are trying to keep the guest list down. We only want to invite people that we are close to but we are both very social and have a lot of casual acquaintances

We made a tentative guest list but are still months away from sending out invites. A few people that we do not intend to invite have asked to be placed on the guest list. Yes it’s incredibly rude and awkward, but what does one say? I would say it will be family only but other folks they know will be invited so that won’t work. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

- How to Say No

Dear How To,

Why are people so presumptuous? Perhaps it is a twenty-first century conversational gambit, which, along with the incessant bragging I've been finding everywhere. Keep in mind that your friends are just excited for you, and probably don't mean to annoy or make you uncomfortable.

When faced with impertinent questions, you can rely on a simple phrase:

"I'm sorry, we're having a very small wedding. We wish we could invite everyone, but we just can't."

You can also always offer to have a celebratory drink or dinner with your friends if you feel like further smoothing their feathers.

You have nothing to worry about and no reason to feel defensive, so a simple, direct reply is all you need to offer.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:21 PM    <link>

"AND GUEST" GRUMPINESS

Dear Elise,

We only invited significant others to our June wedding, no anonymous "and guests." In the month before we sent the invitations, I touched base with all the single people on my side to explain the policy and verify the status of their relationships. I instructed my fiance to do the same, but he wasn't as thorough as I was. In one instance, he e-mailed a female friend and asked "what's your boyfriend's last name?" without any explanation. I didn't even know this woman had a boyfriend until my fiance gave me the extra name. So, we sent the invitation to "Jane Doe and Joe Smith." The reply card came back with "Jane Doe and guest." In my opinion, this woman really can't bring a random guest. Besides the fact that doing so would just be unfair to the others, she knows many of the single guests well enough for them to notice that she has a random date. How do I handle this!?

- No Strangers

Dear No Strangers,

Just when you think you've covered all your bases, someone tries to squeak by. How irritating.

I'm feeling generous, so I'll imagine this is an honest mistake. It's annoying, but this woman, in all likelihood, doesn't realize that wedding invitations addressed to specific people are not interchangeable. Now, how you decide to deal with this prospective mystery man is really up to you. You are entitled to tell your friend that you are only inviting your guests and their significant others, and that you really can't make an exception because you have so many other single people attending without dates. You don't have to elaborate any further. It's an uncomfortable situation, so all you have to do is be gentle and enforce how much you still want her to be at your wedding.

If this woman is your fiance's friend, feel free to ask him to talk to her, though it would be wise for you to make sure that he understands how strongly you feel about not having any mystery guests. If you don't quite trust him to handle his mission, and you want the job done right, you may have to do it yourself.

Congratulations and good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:55 PM    <link>

PRESENTS FOR EXPATS

Dear Elise

I'm helping a cousin plan her wedding. Her family is in Wisconsin, where the wedding will be, and the groom's family is in England. The couple plans to live in UK for a few years and then return to the States.

The couple would like to register for much needed household items. The issue is shipping gifts to England - which can be expensive and impractical. Storing the gifts in the US doesn't seem like the greatest plan either. We talked about having them register in England, but the exchange rate prevents our Midwestern dollars from going very far. Do you have any ideas about this situation? Would it be best to request cash by word of mouth?

Thank you for any ideas you might have.

- Practical

Dear Practical,

One may be able to snag cash from any ATM anywhere in the world, but transporting objects across the ocean is still devilishly complicated. To make things even more fraught, your cousin has to be worried about the vicissitudes of the exchange rate and how far a dollar can go overseas.

As far as the etiquette of presents goes, asking for cash is, as I always say, almost impossible to do politely, no matter what the reasoning is behind it. Your cousin can always try putting the word out that money would be the best present, given her circumstances, but people are just as likely to ignore that request as honor it.

One possibility, since the families are from the UK and the US, is to set up a registry in each country and only include easily transportable items on the US registry. Your cousin may want to keep in mind that she probably would want to get electrical appliances in the UK, so that she won't have to muck with converters and voltage adapters. She could set up her UK registry to deliver presents to one of her fiance's relatives.

Having said all of this, I always come back to one thing when people ask about registries and presents: it doesn't matter what you do. No matter what your request or how you try to control things, guests will inevitably take matters into their own hands. It is wonderful of you to troubleshoot, and I do think taking a scattershot approach to registries will help your cousin more than anything, but ultimately, she may still get stuck with a bill for shipping or storage.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:54 PM    <link>

HOW TO SAY HIS FOLKS PAID

Dear Elise,

As a non-traditional bride (my fiance and I have been together for 8 years and living together for 6), I already feel out of the bridal loop. My biggest issue is one that makes me feel even more on the outside: HIS family is paying for the wedding. We are both finishing years of medical school and have no money of our own, so his family has graciously offered to pay; my parents can not afford it. How does this impact etiquette regarding wording of invitations? I know tradition is out the window at this point, but does that mean his family would be listed first? Isn't it then obvious (and somewhat awkward) to know who's paying for what? I know etiquette is supposed to make everyone feel more comfortable when sticky situations arise, so I don't know where to turn for guidance.
Thanks!

Reversal of Fortune

Dear Reversal,

While it is true that in the most classic of American traditions, the bride's family paid for weddings, even way back in the mid-20th century groom's families occasionally footed the bill for nuptials. You are not on weird or unheard of territory by a long shot. Take heart.

As for your invitations, the language is really up to you and how you want to satisfy all of the parents' desires to be acknowledged. Try not to worry about your guests attempting to read your invitation the way one reads the back of a benefit program to see which familiar name coughed up the most cash for the bash. If anyone does this and mentions it to you, or any of the parents, a simple "I'm surprised you would care," will serve very well.

And now, to business: It is standard for the bride's parents to appear first, when parents' names are used at all, because they tend to be the event's hosts and because the bride is listed ahead of the groom. You don't have to follow this pattern at all. Here is some extremely formal invitation language where the groom's parents are listed as hosts:

GROOM'S PARENTS
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
BRIDE
to
their son
GROOM
Date
Time
Place

You can also, of course, list both sets of parents in the invitation, and doing so will effectively disguise the question of who paid for what.

BRIDE'S PARENTS
and
GROOM'S PARENTS
request the honor of your presenct
at the marriage of
BRIDE
and
GROOM
Date
Time
Place

Treat both sets of parents gently in this, and know that there is an invitation format that suits all your possible needs.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:33 AM    <link>

FRIEND FIGHT & WHETHER TO INVITE

Dear Elise-

An old friend and I had a difference of opinion (to put it nicely). After a big confrontation, she wrote me an apologetic email. Along with her million excuses, she excused herself from my wedding. This is fine with me, since I don't want to deal with her or her antics. Earlier, I had sent a Save the Date card to her and her boyfriend (who is also a close friend), and they have been a part of the wedding until this situation arose. Now I'm not sure the future of our friendship. I feel if I don't include her in the wedding, we may never reconcile. I guess I don't want the wedding to be tied to the future of our friendship, because I'm not sure what will happen. I'm getting married in 8 weeks and don't have time right now to work on repairing this friendship, but I still wonder if I should send her the formal invitation.

Thanks

- Stormy Friendship

Dear Stormy,

Your friend really did a remarkable job picking the worst possible time to be difficult. I've commented a few times on how Save the Date cards are usually unnecessary, and represent more than anything the constant grasping of the Wedding Industry at everyone's bank accounts. Here, though, is an example of where the Save the Date missive is actually something of a liability. It is hard to retract an invitation, even if it was informally offered.

Is this un-friend a member of your wedding? I couldn't quite tell from your letter. If she was, and if in her apology she recused herself from bridesmaid duties, perhaps that is exile enough, and inviting her to the wedding as a guest might be the easiest way for you to comment on the fact that you don't feel close to her, but don't want to reject her friendship entirely.

If I have misunderstood, and your question is really about whether to invite this woman and her boyfriend to your wedding at all, you have to decide if want to make a big statement. It appears as if your friend no longer expects an invitation, but you seem to feel that not inviting her will signal the end of your friendship. Etiquette won't be as helpful for you as understanding the issues. If you don't invite your friend and her boyfriend to your wedding (and it would be unwise to say the least to invite one without the other even if you're friends with both), you will actively terminate your acquaintance. If you invite them, they have the choice to attend or not and if they do come, you have the opportunity to ignore them during what will be a supremely busy and distracting event.

The Save the Date card only slightly obliges you to invite this friend, but really, your choice to include her or not should depend on whether you want to be the one to break things off, or leave this decision in her court. Ultimately, you just have to decide if not inviting her is worth the price you may have to pay.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:43 AM    <link>

DESTINATION DESIRES

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a wedding. Two years ago we moved to Florida from the Northeast. We are on a very tight budget and both of us have enormous, complicated (because of divorces and remarriages) families. We really want a destination wedding. This seems affordable, and would allow us to be with the ones we love. We completely understand that it may be difficult for some guests to attend and we would never want to pressure anyone.

I am concerned about how a destination wedding would seem to our families. Is it selfish to throw something like this? Is it appropriate to have bridesmaids/groomsmen, a shower or any other traditional wedding things when we are planning a non-traditional wedding? How is an engagement party or shower or rehearsal dinner planned with something like this, especially when we are 1500 miles away from our friends and family? The only thing that doesn't make me feel guilty is that both of us have been in and attended countless weddings where we've flown home and to other places. What is the best way to handle this?

- Far From Home

Dear Far,

Whether or not to have a destination wedding should not make you concerned that you are being rude. In fact, your letter indicates that you are actually quite considerate, since you have already decided, quite reasonably, that you won't be offended if people can't make it.

The key to a polite destination wedding is not to hold grudges. Deciding to get married in a remote locale is only selfish if you use the event as a means to test the loyalty of your friends and family. (Don't be shocked; plenty of sane people engage in this sort of unpleasantness all the time.) As for the rest of the wedding trappings, you must keep the same open mind and even keel. It is fine to have a wedding party, but be sure to advise your nearest and dearest that you are getting married far away. Then, don't be angry if something prevents one or another of them from attending. As for additional wedding events (engagement party, shower, rehearsal dinner) you can embrace all of these traditions if they suit you but realize that it may be more difficult to plan them from a great distance. You may find, with everyone scattered to the winds, that you can't get it together to have all of the pre-wedding parties. This has more to do with convenience than manners, but keep this in mind, and don't be upset if it becomes logistically impossible to have a shower or engagement party.

Be warned: sometimes there is familial resistance to the destination wedding. There is nothing you can do about this except practice restraint, deep breathing techniques and quiet accommodation. If this is your dream and you're willing to sacrifice other aspects of wedding tradition to make it happen, you should embrace it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:21 AM    <link>

FAVOR POLL RESULTS

Things must be rather dire in the world of favors because I didn't even manage to get you to make me aware of 15 great favors. I had to resort to private polling to fill out the list, and while I was at it, I put together a little compendium of everyone's least favorite wedding giveaways, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Good Favors

- Fans (paper or sandalwood - for sweltering summer weddings)
- Bookmarks
- Books
- Little handmade boxes
- Bottles of sunscreen (again, for summer weddings)
- Potted plants
- Pint glasses
- Flower seeds
- Donations to charity
- Evergreen saplings
- CDs of music
- Half bottles of wine
- Cans of roasted salted almonds
- Boxes of penny candy, fake tattoos & pocket magic tricks
- Martini glasses with mini bottles of Beefeater

Bad Favors

- "Anything plastic"
- Jordan almonds
- CDs of music (yes, people love and hate them)
- Empty grappa bottle
- Huge lollipop with photo of the wedding couple on it ("I was suddenly aware that I was licking the bride and groom. It was just... strange.")

And there it is. If this list inspires ire or the urge to quibble, feel free to write in, but let me state again, for the record, that favors are not necessary. Unless you have cultural or familial obligations that demand them, you are free to let your guests go home empty-handed and happy.

posted by Elise at 6:40 PM    <link>

E-STD

Dear Elise,

Would it be a crime against nature to e-mail a "Save the Date" notice to our guests, nearly all of whom use e-mail regularly, and forego the paper announcement? The wedding is late this summer, in a summer resort area, so it will take some extra planning on the guests' part to find lodging. My plan is to send a Save the Date notice in combination with area lodging information. In the interest of time, I'd like to send the e-mail to all but the handful that don't do cyberspace; we can send a letter to those few. We would send out traditional invitations to all via the USPS when the time comes.

Thanks,
Save a Tree

Dear Tree-

How could anything that is so environmentally courteous be a crime against nature? You're absolutely safe. Save the Date notices are informal, so your impulse towards ecological salvation is not only virtuous, but also rigorously polite. The only real concerns to do with sending any kind of e-notice are practical. They can get caught in spam filters, accidentally deleted, or lost in clutter that fills all email in-boxes.

Still, if you are comfortable with the e-Save the Date, then by all means embrace it. As long as you send out a regular, old-fashioned, snail mail invitation when the time comes around, you don't have to worry. I don't advise forgoing the real wedding invitations. If you skip it, you will never hear the end of it from wedding traditionalists, and people like to have those nice cards to cling to so that they don't forget where they are going and why they're all dressed up.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:59 PM    <link>

PRE-WEDDING PARTY POLITICS

Hi Elise,

My son is getting married in several months. He and the future bride are having a small wedding. My home is about 5 hours away from the wedding, and because of the distance and the size of the wedding, my friends won't be invited. Only family members will be attending.

I want my friends to meet my new daughter, so I am planning a party to introduce her. I can't call it a shower, but what should I call it? I have no clue.

I also have another problem. Because this is an interracial wedding, I suggested that we have assigned tables to assure that there is mingling among the families. (This is the blending of two families, after all.) My future daughter-in-law and her mother freaked out at this suggestion. WHAT CAN I DO TO PREVENT A SEGREGATED WEDDING RECEPTION? HELP.

Mother of the Groom

Dear Mother,

Congratulations! Now, calm down, no need to shout. First off, who says you need to call your party anything at all? Titles are overrated and there is so much to be said for pitching a bash just for the sake of it. Please don't worry about the fact that parties associated with weddings tend to have names and elaborate pretexts: "Shower," "Engagement Party," "Bachelor/ette Party," "Bridesmaid's Luncheon," etc. Don't jump on that bandwagon. Consider instead how liberating it can be to just throw a generic party. No one will wonder if he has to bring a present for the bride he's never met. Your friends won't wonder why they've been invited to this and not the wedding. Everyone can have a guilt-free good time.

Invitation language can be completely casual. You could send out something that (in addition to the all-important date, time and location information) says simply: "Please join us as we welcome FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW to the family."

As for your second question, you're wading in sharky waters. Generally, I am an advocate of assigned seating at wedding dinners. Assigned seating prevents people from assembling into little cliques. It provides people who don't know anyone with someone to talk to. Super-social folks can make new friends, and you can use it to separate feuding relatives. Assigned seating is like baking soda- it has so many purposes.

But clearly your future daughter-in-law and her mother have a problem with assigned seating. I can't read their minds, but perhaps they are put off by the implication that their relatives can't be counted on to mingle. Maybe they feel the assigned seating is pushing a politically correct agenda too far. I can't begin to say, but if they are really so bent out of shape about it, you are best off letting the subject drop.

Without assigned seating, you'll have to take things into your own hands. Lead by example, as parenting books tell mothers to do as a way to encourage their children to eat vegetables (soon enough I'll put away the Good n' Plenty candies, I promise). No matter with whom you find yourself sitting, get up and introduce yourself to your new in-laws and let them know how great you think your son's new wife is and how excited you are to have her in your family. It may require courage, but you'll get farther than you will by forcing the seating issue on the unwilling.

Congratulations again,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:46 AM    <link>

SAME WEDDING, NEW PLACE

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married in a few months. We had our location and the church booked with a contract. For some reason, we have had trouble with the Pastor this week and he said that he double booked the church. We now have to move our wedding to a different location and the invitations have already been printed up and are ready to be sent out. What can we do to inform our guests that the location has changed?

Stressed Bride

Dear Stressed,

Whatever you do, don't post invitations that send people to the wrong venue. People can barely be counted on to pay attention to stop signs these days and willfully sending them invitations that are incorrect – even if you intend to send a correction later - is asking for trouble. At best you and your family will be trying to get dressed while fielding frantic calls from confused guests, and at worst, these guests will show up at the wrong church and then they will never, ever stop complaining.

This is a huge drag, but you're fortunate in that you have plenty of time. You still have a few weeks before you have to mail out your invitations, and ideally, you'd get them reprinted with the correct venue on them. Since you had already signed a contract, you may be able to get the pastor to pay for the new printing, or at least partially compensate you for the inconvenience, since it was his fault. If reprinting is for any reason not possible, you need to include all the new information on whatever invitation you send out. You can hand write a correction on each one or you can include a correction card. Invitation aesthetics matter less in the realms of etiquette (traditionally speaking, invitations can even be handwritten missives) than correct information.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:43 AM    <link>

SHOWERS AND OUT-OF-TOWN BRIDES

Dear Elise,

Is it appropriate to include a suggestion that bridal shower presents be mailed to the future bride/groom's state of residence? The bride grew up in Chicago and is having a Chicagoland bridal shower but the wedding will be in Colorado.

They would appreciate not having to lug large parcels home. Could we suggest that their relatives and friends consider having stores mail the gifts to them? They could show a picture of the gift or include the description in a card to be presented at the shower.

How could this OPTION be included in the wording of the shower invitation IF at all?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Welcome to the thorny world of shower etiquette. Showers are the most uncomfortable of all parties. Everything from mandatory presents to potentially awkward games threatens to overwhelm both host and guest of honor with angst.

Your question is a considerate and practical one, and as such, any advice you give to your guests will be ignored entirely. There is a required element at almost every wedding shower where the bride unwraps each present, holds it up and passes it around a circle of admiring friends and family. People at present-oriented parties want to see their gifts opened in front of a crowd, so they can have the appropriate effect of impressing or embarrassing the bride. It will be very hard for guests to refrain from this little bit of theater, and taking a picture out of an envelope will not prove an adequate substitute for many, especially any traditionalists you have invited. Only you and the bride can gauge how much or how little your guests will miss this part of the festivities.

Traditional etiquette frowns upon all mention of presents in the context of invitations. Guests are presumably expected to fend for themselves or ask the party's hosts, the bride or her family about registry information. If you want to be entirely safe, make no requests regarding gift disposal. When people ask, you can feel free to tell them about the bride's wishes, and give out her address. Also, if she is registering for her shower, your friend can encourage the store to send all presents to her real home.

This does seem a little awkward, I realize, and perhaps you care more for efficiency than tradition. But you may be sewing the seeds of trouble if some guests send presents while others bring theirs and get applause. Generally I do not recommend including anything in an invitation beyond the important details (Bride's Name, Date, Time, Place, RSVP Information), but if you're set on doing it, you could enclose a card indicating the bride's mailing address, in case guests wish to mail presents to her. Asking that gifts be sent isn't really rude, per se, but you're safest if you refrain from tampering with what is, after all, the point of this kind of party.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:29 AM    <link>

MOTHER VS. FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

Dear Elise,

My future daughter-in-law wants to send out save the date cards, but she wants to send them out to her side of the wedding first. I'm feeling very upset, and I don't know if I have the right to feel that way. Now I have to plan the wedding rehearsal dinner and she keeps adding people, I don't have the money to pay for a huge event. Can you give any advice?

- Melting Down

Dear Melting,

Your future daughter-in-law seems to feel that her wedding should actually be an inter-family popularity contest, where the winner is the person who could get more guests from his or her "side" to show up. What on earth, one wonders, does she think that would prove?

Oh never mind, I've never been one for party tricks, and consequently my mind reading skills are shabby. Your future daughter-in-law, frankly, is being a fool. The whole point of Save the Date cards is that you are telling all of your potential guests about the wedding. If you only want the people you like to know about the wedding (because you're hoping everyone else will be busy or dead that day) call them and tell them about the wedding ahead of time. Everyone will receive an invitation anyway. Now, what can you do about this? You can tell your son's fiancee that you would be happy to mail the save the date cards to your "side" of the wedding if it is too much trouble for her. If she refuses, you can make up your own cards, or just use email and the telephone and let your friends and family know about the plans. She can't stop you. It is very hard to have a secret wedding if you're going to be sending out all kinds of invitations and alerts.

As for the rehearsal dinner, you can either tell her you will not entertain more than a certain number of people or you can keep changing the style of the party so that it remains within your budget. I've said it before; if you can't afford a multi-course dinner, offer hors d'oeuvres or a cocktail party or dessert bash or tea. The bottom line is that you must not let her bully you any more. You are the hostess and she is the guest of honor. While she can exert some control over the guest list and express preferences, her dictatorial powers are limited when you are the one footing the bill.

This is a wedding. People are supposed to be happy, and if they can't be happy they should pretend a little. Everyone must compromise. If your future in-laws want to invite everyone, then the rehearsal event will be less lavish. If your daughter-in-law-to-be is too insecure to send out all the save the date cards at once, take matters into your own hands.

It will all be fine. Just smile sweetly and remember that nuptial induced madness doesn't last forever.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:12 AM    <link>

SHOWER AND STEPS

Hi Elise,

My boss and co-workers are throwing me a bridal shower and I have an invitation dilemma. My mom and dad were divorced many years ago and my dad remarried and had another child. In 2002 my dad died and that experience brought me closer to my stepmom. I have decided to invite my stepmother and her mother and 2 sisters to my wedding, but does that mean I have to invite them to my bridal shower? My mom is sucking it up and being nice about having them at the wedding, but does not want them at the shower. I feel very conflicted about this, what should I do?

Thanks!

- Good Daughter

Dear Good,

You're being a good sport and a good daughter to take everyone's wishes so deeply into account. This is sadly one of those situations where etiquette won't help you much because the problem has its roots in a painful family situation.

There is nothing wrong with only inviting your mother to your wedding shower; there is also nothing wrong with inviting your mother and all of your step- relatives to the party. What do you want to do? If you really want to be all-inclusive and you have an open enough relationship with your mother, you could talk to her and see if there is some way she could be made to feel comfortable at the shower. If you'd prefer to respect her request, then perhaps you could get together with your stepmother, your stepgrandmother and other step-relatives separately for a private pre-wedding celebration.

I'm afraid there is no winning for you because there are no rules of manners or behavior that apply. All you can do is gently massage the egos of the two mother figures and be honest with them about what you need to do. The only pain you could inflict is if you try to skirt the issue and, for instance, hope your step relatives don't notice when you don't invite them. Consider what you want to do, face the issue head gently, sensitively and directly.

Good luck.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:35 AM    <link>

ENOUGH IS SUFFICIENT: CASH PRESENTS

Dear Elise.

What is the appropriate amount for a cash gift for two guests attending a wedding in the Los Angeles area? The reception is being held at a four star hotel and the groom is one of my business clients. It has been such a long time since I attended a wedding, I have no clue what to give.

Thanks.

- Cash is Confusing

Dear CC,

More an existential issue than one of etiquette, how much wedding presents should cost is the source of all kinds of angst and insane equations (see "Paying for Plates" 11.7.2003). As with all things financial, the guidelines for cash wedding presents vary according to a kaleidoscope of factors: where you are, how old you are, how old the wedding couple is, what you do, how much you can afford, etc. Always remember that the amount really has more to do with you and what you can or want to give than it does to do with your friend (or client) and his relative ability to book a four-star hotel for his wedding.

So, there really are no rules (just as there is no actual mandate that you give a present at all), as to how much cash gifts should be. If you want some guidelines, perhaps you can find out where the couple is registered. A glance at the price-range of the items they have selected should give you some perspective on how much many of their guests will spend. Beyond that, it is hard to make a recommendation without having a sense of what your life and community is like.

I understand your anxiety. You should also feel free, especially if you'd rather not have a known dollar amount attached to your offering, to get a regular present. It is all up to you, and you're very kind to be concerned, but beyond the small research suggestion I've offered, I can only encourage you to listen to your instincts. It may sound ridiculous, but in the absence of strict rules (and really, as annoying as it seems now, it is best that we don’t have them), you'd be best off doing some gentle investigating, and otherwise letting your guts guide you.

Cheers, and have a blast,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:31 PM    <link>

SHOWERS FOR ELOPERS?
A Double Header

1.
Dear Elise

I recently got married in the Bahamas, my close family attended the wedding. Everything was done on fairly short notice and now my parents are going to have a reception in my hometown for our extended family. My mother really wants to have a shower for me. But I feel a little weird about this. Any advise on if this would be ok.

Thanks,

Shower Dilemma

2.
Dear Elise,

My brother and his girlfriend have been together for over 10 years. They have finally decided to get married, but they're flying off just the two of them to do it. The bride to be does not have any sisters.

They will be having a reception when they get back. Is it proper to throw a bridal shower when a couple is eloping? Not sure if my sister and I should be offering to throw her a shower?

Please help.

Thanks.

- Sister of Eloper

Dear Shower and Sister-

Showers are very strange parties, and the point of them, traditionally, is that they come before the wedding so that the bride will be prepared to take on her new life. (The fact that the standard genres of presents that are offered range from kitchen utensils to lingerie, sex toys to recipes does not detract from the party's mandate, really. The only quaint assumption is that people getting married don't already know a thing or two about cooking and sex.)

The problem is that you, Shower, are already married (Sister, your brother will be married by the time you throw your party), and none of the people who would be invited to this post-nuptial shower were invited to the wedding. As I've said in other shower columns, since showers are parties that have a present mandate, it is generally considered bad form not to invite the shower guests to the wedding as well.

If anyone really wants to have a party, let it be a bash that doesn't have the word "shower" attached. That way, no one has to feel weird and everyone can have that much more fun without worries.

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:18 AM    <link>

WHAT DOES ONE SAY?

Dear Elise,

I just received a "Save the Date" card from a friend whose daughter is getting married in May. Should the "Save the Date" card be acknowledged?

Thank you,

Answerless

Dear Answerless

Save the Date cards are mysterious little creatures because they are often largely unnecessary. They are useful in special cases: destination weddings, holiday weddings, events that involve travel or significant time away from home, but for the most part you can get away without them.

If you are on the receiving end of a save the date card, you have no responsibilities beyond checking your calendar and deciding whether or not you can attend or have a funeral that day. Of course, you can also talk to your friend and even her daughter and give them your heartiest congratulations.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:16 PM    <link>

RESCUING THE REHEARSAL DINNER

Dear Elise,

I hope you can help me with my situation.

My fiancee and I got engaged last August, and we are getting married in May. She is an only child, and her mother is financially well off. From the get-go, my parents have accepted their "responsibility" to throw us a rehearsal dinner, but this is where things get messy. Neither of our parents lives in Colorado, where we are getting married. Most of our friends and relatives will be coming from out of state. We're expecting about 150 people at our wedding and reception, for which my future mother-in-law is sparing NO expense. My fiancee feels that ALL of her friends, her mother's friends, etc. should be invited to our rehearsal dinner (since she has been invited to rehearsal dinners that they have hosted over the years). My mom has graciously set a guest "cap" at around 40 people, which I think is more than enough to invite to such an event. Unfortunately, now my fiancee thinks my mom is being "cheap" and that she should get to invite whomever she wants. I don't want to start any more arguments. HELP!

- Rehearsal Struggle

Dear Struggle,

You must feel you're caught in the crossfire right now. You don’t want to anger or disappoint your fiancee, but your family's feelings and finances are also tugging at your conscience.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: no one hosting any wedding event is under any obligation to bankrupt him or herself in the interests of providing some happy event for the wedding couple. Perhaps your fiancee doesn't understand that is isn't a question of cheapness or wanting to rain on anyone's parade, but of basic resources.

What can you do to neutralize the situation? As I've suggested elsewhere ("Rehearsal Dinner Bullies 3.1.2005; "Rehearsal Responsibility" 9.11.2004) there is no need for this party to be a dinner, if feeding so many people multiple courses is too taxing. You can have a cocktail party, a tea, a dessert reception, all sorts of events spring to mind. What everyone must be however, is flexible. Your future wife and her mother must be willing to broaden their visions of this party, and your family should try to be more flexible about headcount, while sticking to the required budget.

There is no point at all in everyone getting resentful over this issue. The difference in your parents' resources is no secret, no surprise, so now you, your mother, your fiancee and her mother, faced with the facts, must compromise. It may not be what everyone had in mind, but you can create a highly entertaining, inclusive event. And that is, after all, what you'd like in a pre-wedding bash.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:41 PM    <link>

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