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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

NO SOAP OPERA FOR BRIDESMAID

Dear Elise-

My friend V. and I are both bridesmaids in our other friend A.'s wedding. I know that A. and her husband (they eloped last year and are having the wedding soon) aren't really in love. She has cheated on him multiple times (she told V. about this).

Both V. and I backed out of her bachelorette party because it would have been expensive, and we don't want to spend any more than we have to on a wedding for two people that don't even take their marriage seriously. A. even told me that her husband said that he doesn't love her and the only reason he is having this wedding at all is because both their parents spent so much time and money on it. I would really like to back out all together and just sell the dress second hand and make back a little bit of the money I invested in this.

My other dilemma is that I had previously asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding next year. Now I seriously regret it because a) we aren't that close anymore and b) I totally disagree with her behavior and think she is really screwed up and I don't want any drama at my wedding.

What should I do about this situation? Even if I don't back out of her wedding, I still would prefer to not have her in mine.

Sincerely,
Sick of the Drama

Dear Sick,

One never really knows what happens between people, does one? How often we are surprised when we think some couple is happy and then someone turns out to be. . . well, something else entirely and our comfortable image of them is then shattered. It is perhaps unlikely but still possible that A. and her husband have an "open" relationship or at least a complicated one in which they are allowed to sleep around. These tales that seem so sordid to you may be rather banal to your erstwhile friend and her husband. Their set-up may be revolting to you, but they may enjoy it. Perhaps this is a perfect match, and you are the unfortunate audience for their antics. I have heard of stranger things.

Having said that, if you really feel that to take part in A.'s wedding is to compromise your values too much, then you can excuse yourself, but you should understand that quitting may bring about all the drama you want to avoid and more.

As for your wedding, do you really want to fire your friend? How do you think the dynamics of her private life will affect your wedding? Surely dumping her would terminate your friendship, and again generate weeks and possibly months of angst, sore feelings and unfortunate telephone conversations. But would keeping her in your wedding ruin things? I only suggest that you take this into consideration. You are asking about something that falls somewhat outside the umbrella of etiquette, and so there are no absolute rules for how one should treat friends, however distant, but you should prepare yourself for the inevitable fallout should you quit her wedding and fire her from yours.

You are free to do anything you like, but if you wish to avoid drama, study your paths closely. Once you figure out how much angst you want to deal with (whether you stay in the wedding or fire your bridesmaid), you'll be in good shape to make a decision.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:04 PM    <link>

WHAT TO REQUEST

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are assembling our wedding registry, and I'd love to know what sorts of things are considered appropriate. Clearly kitchen items and china are safe, but what about other household items? Are sheets bad to register for (because of bedroom implications), or is anything safe? What about things for entertaining, like serving items and even board games?

Also, what is a reasonable price range? We feel strange asking for expensive items, but does it look funny if there are lot of small items on the registry list instead of fancy things? My fiance really isn't a fan of registries. I think we should have one because some people will want guidance in choosing a gift. I'm just happy to have them there, and don't much care about the gifts, but I know there will be complaints if we don't have one.

Many thanks,

Befuddled

Dear Befuddled,

Wedding registries are little dreamlands. Just a glance at a registry list gives you a sense of the wedding couple's private Utopia. Gift-givers can enjoy the fantasy that they have influenced the newlyweds' lives with that high-speed blender or elegant tea service.

Whether you need housewares, books, camping equipment, trees or smoked fish (yes, I've seen it), your desires can be met. As for your questions about propriety and limits, I applaud your concerns, but perhaps you are worrying too much. Now in the 21st century, your guests will not only understand that you and your husband will share a conjugal bed, they will have plenty of opinions about thread counts. Short of requesting marital aids, you don't risk raising too many eyebrows.

Console yourself that you can give people so many choices. I took a look back to the 19th century and discovered that wedding guests really had some strict rules to follow. Not only were there no registries, people were actively discouraged from giving anything:

"The present of usefulness may be sent only by those who have a right to comprehend the needs of the newly-wedded. All friends, who are 'a little less than kin and a little more than kind,' may contribute such objects of art and beauty, of literature or of antiquity, as shall be an acknowledgement and compliment to the cultivation and refined tastes of the bride and groom, but useful articles, such as silver, furniture, and money, may not be given by those who are outside of the family circle. Indeed, there is, happily, less universality in the wedding gift than formerly. It has fallen into disrepute, and by not a few families it is considered an intrusion, if not an impertinence; unfortunately, it cannot be guarded against by advertisement, as is the once universal and unpleasant floral bouquet at funerals." (From: The Social Etiquette of New York)

Traditional etiquette indeed frowns upon wedding registries, because it doesn't care for the idea of people demanding presents. I sympathize with your fiance, but again feel compelled to drag my opinions into the modern era. Registries are helpful for your guests. They make it easy to pick something you actually want and sending it to you (often) without a lot of fuss, and can select a range of items, which will let people feel happy that they've given you something useful no matter what they can afford. As always, discretion is the best policy: set up a registry, but only provide the details when someone asks. Be temperate and no one will accuse you of running roughshod over your guests.

Congratulations

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:28 PM    <link>

JUST A PARTY, PURE AND SIMPLE

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I recently moved to a large city. We are having a fairly small wedding where we now live, and most guests will be friends and family members from out of town. We are not planning to invite any of our new coworkers or acquaintances. We would, however, like to have many of these people over for a party sometime. We also want to try out different types of wine to select one to purchase for our wedding reception. We thought it would be great fun to invite our local acquaintances over for a wine-tasting party. But we can't invite them to taste wine for an event that they won't be attending, can we? And we don't want to tell lies (or even white lies) by saying that we are testing wines for my mother's 85th birthday bash or by leaving out any mention of the purpose. Shall we forget the idea and enjoy a bacchanalia a deux?

Thanks for your help!

- Already Anticipating the Hangover


Dear Hangover,

Why not party on? There is nothing at all objectionable about having a party, even if you are getting married. Some people I know throw parties regularly, without any pretext at all. They have a lot of energy.

I realize your hesitation comes from the fact that you won't be inviting a large percentage of your prospective guest list to your wedding, but would you feel the same way if you just wanted to have a bash? You don't have to say you're tasting wines for your wedding, just serve them and casually ask for opinions. There is so much anxiety about the delicate feelings of guests, but the best way to protect everyone's sensibilities is not to lead anyone on. If one throws a shower, an event that is attached to a wedding and comes with a present mandate, then you should invite everyone to the wedding. If you're just having a party for the sake of it, then don't mention your wedding at all and go to town. You won't be disingenuous, and your new friends will be pleased to be included.

Don't be shy, just don't make this a nuptial event and enjoy yourselves.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:20 AM    <link>

WHAT IS IT?

Dear Elise,

My partner and I are having a commitment ceremony instead of getting legally married, which is getting nearly everyone into a tizzy of some sort (except my religious grandmother who is totally supportive). I doubt we will be getting much financial help with the ceremony from family, so "money talks" isn't an issue here.

We're planning to have a nice reception that does carry some traditions with it - exchanging vows, signing legal paperwork, food and favors - but it would obviously not be a legal wedding (no officiant), so I don't know what to do - is it bad to just pretend we finally gave in and pretend to get legally married and sign the other legal paperwork at the back corner of the hall or something (make a fake wedding), or do we bite the bullet and fight the fights? In other words - who is the ceremony really for?

~ Anti-Bride vs. Psuedo-Bride

Dear AB vs. PB

I must confess, I'm not entirely sure what you're asking. The purpose of any wedding or commitment ceremony is to demonstrate legally and socially that you and your partner are now united. Whether you opt to do this privately or before an audience depends on what you want to do and how big a deal you want to make of it.

Are you concerned that your families will be unhappy if you don't have a ceremony? You are of course free to have any kind of proceedings you like. You can give them a taste of the spectacle they are missing, or, if all you you want is a party, you can take care of all the paperwork before the event and simply have the bash.

Since you're free of any religious obligations, you don't have to adhere to any rules except the ones you set up for yourselves. The only thing you don't want to do is mislead your family about your legal status. If you don't want to get married, no one can force you, but you should stick to your guns and celebrate the commitment you have made, not pretend to have done the thing your family would prefer.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:30 PM    <link>

INVITING THE ODD-WOMAN OUT

Hi Elise:

My cousin had a bad divorce. I am close to his parents and fond of him, but not close to him. His ex-wife has always been kind to me, and invited me (after the divorce) to the Quincineras of all three of their daughters.

My cousin's parents, who are very dear to me, but they are fairly crotchety, pushy people who, of course, don't like ex-wife (OR my cousin's new, serious girlfriend) very much.

My cousin's parents are in the ceremony, and I will invite my cousin, his girlfriend, and his daughters. But I would like to invite his ex-wife, as I am very fond of her and would hate her to feel snubbed. I also don't want the daughters to feel bad, which they might, knowing that their mom is not welcome.

I assume that inviting ex-wife will annoy my cousin and his parents, but I don't know for sure. So here's the issue: can you suggest any productive way to gather opinions on this? Or should I just invite ex-wife because I want her there?

I want to be kind, and I want to be authentic to my warm heart, but ...I don't want to cause mayhem...!

Thanks,

Torn

Dear Torn,

While you may feel obliged to try to take the emotional temperature of your relatives, it won't help you. If you were to ask for their advice, you would be doing nothing less than handing power over to your aunt, uncle and cousin, and really, they should be guests and participants in your wedding, not hosts. You are absolutely entitled to invite your cousin's ex-wife to your nuptials.

Yours is a situation in which assigned seating will really come in handy. If you do invite your cousin's ex-wife, feel free to employ any and all strategies you can to keep the quarreling parties separate. If anyone comes whining to you about the presence of one or another if your guests, trot out my favorite all-purpose retort: "I'm sorry you feel that way" and move on. Honestly, no one should complain to the bride about anything at her nuptials. I do realize that there may be a lot of hard feelings between your cousin and his ex-wife, but since they are at an age where they are allowed to vote, pay taxes and have children of their own, presumably they are at an age where they can demonstrate some self-control. Having said that, it is possible that your cousin's ex-wife may not feel comfortable attending, but she will surely be happy to have been included.

If you are still feeling nervous, you can try to discuss this invitation issue with your mother, but you are really best off doing what you want to do without asking permission, and being as mature and gracious as you are inclined to be.

It is very kind of you to be so inclusive. I hope everyone can get with your spirit of generosity.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:16 PM    <link>

NO NIECES

Dear Elise,

I'm getting married this summer and having a small, family-only ceremony, followed by a bigger reception. Both of us have 3-year-old nieces, one of whom tends to shriek and act out if she's not the center of attention. My plan was to have a kid-free ceremony, arrange for a sitter for that hour, and then let them come to the reception if the parents want to have them there.

This plan is coming under fire from my mom, who thinks that my brother's wife will take this personally and possibly not talk to me again or not come at all. I think my mom is being dramatic, but see that my sister-in-law might be a little hurt, in part because I think she knows her daughter is hard to handle but doesn't know what to do about it. I'm not a diva, and I don't want to cause a permanent rift in the family, but I also feel like it's my day and if I don't want the small ceremony interrupted by shrieking nieces.

I'm already compromising by allowing them at the reception. So this is actually a two-part question: 1) Am I out of line by asking for no children--including children of our siblings--at the ceremony? 2) Is there a good way/time to broach the topic? I haven't mentioned it to my brother yet, and now my mom's made me pretty uptight about addressing it. I'm tempted to just tell them the day before or day of so there's no time to argue, but maybe that would just make it worse. And again, my mom could be off in her assessment: My fiance's sister was psyched at the prospect of a babysitter!

Thanks,
No Kid-ding

Dear Kid-ding,

I must remind you that in this matter I can only speak about etiquette and cannot possibly guess how your sister-in-law (or your brother, for that matter) might react to your decision. There is nothing wrong with choosing to have a kid-free ceremony. Your mother is, no doubt, keenly aware of her granddaughter's shortcomings and her daughter-in-law's sensitivities, but you do not need to cave to these fears (hers or yours) if you don't want to.

You are taking the right step in making the ceremony entirely child-free, because your brother and his wife won't be able to feel that their child is being singled out, and you are not banning your nieces entirely, just keeping them away from the quiet, boring ceremony that would surely make them itchy anyway.

In this case, I think you would do well to mention the kid-free ceremony in advance, so that your brother and sister-in-law won't feel ambushed. You could present your plan in the best light: it will make the children happier, the parents won't have to worry about the kids being loud or embarrassing, the nieces won't miss out on the festivities entirely, and they won't be far away from their parents for the hour-long ceremony. Your sister-in-law may still object. There is nothing to be done about that, but she can't complain of being treated unfairly, and this compromise sounds like just the ticket for you.

Don't be afraid to do what you want.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:25 PM    <link>

WEDDING OR ENTERTAINMENT?

Dear Elise,

We are having an afternoon reception. It's cheaper. It's brighter. It makes me a lot more comfortable that the event won't become a boozefest.

But, people are flying in from all over, and I wonder, at 5 p.m. when it's over, will they feel like it was worth it? I mean, if I took a flight from France to New York for a wedding, didn't get to go to the ceremony (immediate family only), I don't know if it would be worth it.

Thanks,

I Worry Too Much About Other People's Enjoyment

Dear Worry Too Much,

Are you planning to surprise your guests with the limited scope of your wedding event? I can't imagine how you would. Your invitations will clearly let everyone know that they are being invited to a reception, not a wedding ceremony, what time this reception will be, and where it is. Nothing will be kept secret from them.

Armed with this knowledge, your guests will be able to make the decision about whether to come or not. Keep in mind that, in spite of rumors to the contrary, your wedding is not a stage show or piece of performance art (unless you want it to be). You are under no obligation to provide entertainment for your guests. It may very well be the case that some people might not come to your party, especially if a lot of your invitations are going to people who would have to travel, but I doubt they will abstain because they think celebrating your nuptials won't be worthwhile.

Don't dismiss the notion of free will. All you are really doing is asking your friends and family to share in your good time and that can hardly be considered selfish. Relax, invite anyone you like and don't think the worst of your guests or yourself if some can't attend.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:39 AM    <link>

HE'S NOT MISSING, WE DIDN'T INVITE HIM

Dear Elise,

To put it bluntly, my fiance’s father is not one of our favorite people. After his affairs, desertion of the family, marriage to his mistress, and complete lack of contact with his sons, he has thoroughly embedded himself in the s-list. Neither of us wants him at our wedding.

We are paying for everything ourselves, so we are under no financial obligation to invite him. However, we would like to invite family and friends who are connected to him. Should we let them know the father won’t be there? If they go expecting him to be there, answering questions all evening about why he’s not there would be awkward and make everyone uncomfortable. We had the idea to send a note, separate from the invitation, telling these folks that we would love to have them there but given the fact that their primary acquaintance (i.e. fiance’s father) won’t be there we completely understand if they choose not to attend. Does that increase or decrease the potential discomfort? Do we just send the invites and not say anything? How do we avoid awkwardness AND avoid sending something that sounds like an UNvite?

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Unvitationally Challenged

Dear Challenged,

It is not generally considered polite for guests to quiz their hosts about who else is on the invitation lists, and it is truly bad form for said guests to imply that their attendance depends on the presence of other people. This is particularly the case when the hosts in question are in the process of getting married. Of course, you can't count on your guests to be universally polite, but there's no reason not to be optimistic and go about things as if you could expect civility.

In short, don't look for trouble. Send out your invitations as you would any others and don't include a warning about the missing father. If they ever inquire after him, just say you decided not to invite him. The more you say about this issue, the bigger it gets, when actually, it is a private matter, and shouldn't require any explanation at all. The last thing in the world you want to have to deal with as a prelude to your wedding are endless phone calls having to listen to such choice phrases as: "But it's your wedding and he's your father. How can you deprive him of seeing his son marry?" You've made up your minds, so don't give anyone the urge to try to change them.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:23 AM    <link>

CREDITS AND LIMITS

Dear Elise,

I have 2 questions I hope you can help me with:

1. My finace and I are getting married in a few months and we have a dilemma about how the invitation wording. The wedding is being paid for mostly by my father's contribution. My fiance's mother (his father passed away several years ago) gave us some money as well. I have asked my father and stepfather to walk me down the aisle. (My mother, like my fiance's father, passed away several years ago.) My stepfather is like a second father to me, but has not offered to contribute any funds towards the wedding. My question is this, if we word the invitation as though from my father and his mother, should my stepfather be included as well?

If we include both my father and mother-in-law to be, it seems like it would be a glaring exclusion to leave my step-dad off. On the other hand he has not paid for any part of the wedding. My fiance and I have discussed going with the simple "...together with their parents" option as a way around the issue. Although my father has said he would be fine with any way we choose to word the invitations, I get the impression he would like to be named on them. What do you think we should do?

2. We have a number of friends and family with children. In an effort to keep expenses down, we want to limit the number of children at the wedding. We would like to have a policy that people can bring their kids if they are traveling from out of town but not if they are local. The rationale for this is that it is easier to get a sitter for an evening than it is for a whole weekend.

Although we are pretty confident that most of our friends will understand this policy, I am nervous that this might offend or upset people. Is there some etiquette for this kind of situation? Is it OK to have different policies for out-of-towners and local guests or is this just terribly tacky?

Thanks for your help!! We appreciate it greatly!

- Invite Issues

Dear Invite,

I see where you're going with both questions, but when it comes to wedding etiquette, you're safest taking the high ground.

The issue of names on wedding invitations comes up frequently. People invariably want to use the invitations as a way of crediting the people who paid for the nuptials. This is not at all in keeping with the spirit of things. The point of an invitation is that the hosts are requesting the presence of guests.

What do you want your invitations to say? If you would like to imply that all of the parents are united as hosts, then it would be a good idea to include your stepfather. If you would rather use the "together with their parents" language, that is fine, to, but it would be a little harsh to obviously omit mention of one of your parents because he did not pay to have his name listed.

As for the limits on children, you're on dangerous ground. There are a few common ways to limit the attendance of children at weddings (only those who are in the wedding party, only kids of immediate family), but it will be very hard to explain that only the children who live a certain distance away will be invited. There is a chance that parents will have a hard time accepting that their kids were left out while others were welcomed. Perhaps there is a different compromise you could reach which would prevent hard feelings, but not inviting children because they live close to you is, as they say, asking for it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:37 AM    <link>

ATTENDANTS AND PRESENTS

Hi Elise,

Wedding's in 2.5 weeks-- vows not written, etc, etc. I will get it all done-- but on top of it all I am 9 weeks pregnant and I know some things will just fall by the wayside to assure I keep my job and get sleep. I am basically doing this all on my own.

That said, one thing I think I may not have time to do is get gifts for our parents, siblings who are best man and matron of honor, ushers, etc. We don't even have groomsmen or bridesmaids, but the list of people I feel/think I should get gifts for is pretty long. I do have friends who are doing readings, playing music, a friend who did complimentary alterations, etc.

My question is this, are these gifts necessary as traditional magazines and websites have me believe? If so, can they wait until after the wedding when I will have more time and money to do a better job getting and mailing meaningful thank you gifts? Any quickly delivered advice on this matter is appreciated.

I have already crossed favors off my list due to time and money and your column's assurance they aren't necessary--thank you.

- My Plate is Full

Dear Full Plate,

Congratulations on the wedding and the baby and all the pleasure and upheaval that's lurking on your horizon.

Tradition holds that it is a good idea to thank one's attendants for all the time and help they've given for one's nuptials. Beyond that, there are few guidelines to help with the eternal questions: what sorts of tokens are appropriate, and when is it appropriate to present the presents. (On the subject of gifts, just about anything is acceptable from books to bath products to picture frames. You should not feel obliged to stick within the usual vaguely attractive but ultimately useless suggestions offered in wedding magazines.)

The timing is not particularly critical. You do not need to give out presents at your wedding, so you can absolutely wait until your life is less hectic (though I must caution you, not to wait 30 weeks before taking care of small tasks- learn from my mistake). Having said that, you may want to take action to head off any grumblings or miffed sniffiness from your attendants by writing them each a quick note, thanking them for everything they've done for you. This will give you a clear conscience and allow you to express your gratitude without having to add to the chaos of these next two weeks.

Congratulations on all fronts again,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:59 AM    <link>

PRE-WEDDING PARTY PLANS

Dear Elise,

My maid of honor is throwing a party for me a few nights before my wedding at a local bar (not a bachelorette party -just be a party). I am a graduate student who often socializes with the other members of my department, only few of whom I am close to. I am inviting the close friends to the wedding as well as the party. Could we also invite some people to the party, even if they are not invited to the wedding? These other students are friends, but we are constrained by budget from inviting too many to the wedding itself.

Thank you very much!

- Simple Party

Dear Simple,

Your short question deserves a short answer. It all depends on how you phrase the invitation. If you don't call this bash a "shower" or a "bachelorette party" and just treat it as a simple send-off to singledom, you are safe. You will probably get some people who are confused, but the more neutral you are about the nature of the event, the easier it will be to get away with inviting them only to your party. If pressed, you can always be honest. You are having a small wedding, but wanted to include them in the festivities.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:15 AM    <link>

DREAMING OF A DRY REHEARSAL

Hi Elise,

My fiance's family is full of binge drinkers. I have been to weddings on his side of the family and seen all of them get absolutely smashed. This is something my fiance has lived with all his life and would prefer not to see it on his wedding day. My family does not drink at all and would be appalled by their behavior.

To combat this, my fiance and I will not have alcohol at our wedding reception. (In fact, I purposely picked a venue that does not allow alcohol, so his family can't sneak it in.) His family, however, would like to host our rehearsal dinner. I understand that the hosts should be allowed to determine place, food, costs, etc. but how can I politely let them know we don't want alcohol there. Not only will their behavior be embarrassing, these people think nothing about hopping behind the wheel of a car after they've "tied one on" and I could never live with myself if there were an accident because of a party in honor of us.

Please help with any advice you might have. Thank you.

- Worried About Wine

Dear Worried,

One of the most difficult lessons to learn in planning a wedding is that you can't control everyone. It's easy enough to say, but when, inevitably, people just go ahead and do as they please without thinking that their weird behavior might be troublesome, it can be incredibly frustrating.

This is just to prepare you for the worst. You can, of course, take some steps to protect your interests. While there is no way to be subtle about your desires, you can make gentle requests of your hosts. One rather cowardly, but effective approach is for you (or your fiance) to say that your family has requested that no alcohol be served for religious reasons. It's worth a shot, but your fiance's family may not want to be so accommodating, and there is only so far you can dictate to your hosts what kind of party they will throw.

If you are seriously concerned about drunk driving, you may want to seek the assistance of the restaurant, and see if they have any policies in place about how to ensure that people won't hit the road fully tanked, if you will. If the venue has hosted a rehearsal dinner before, this will surely not be a novel concern for them.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Do what you can, but know that you can only do so much.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:24 PM    <link>

BEFORE THE FACT THANKS

Dear Elise,

I'm very good about writing thank you notes. I have to resist sending a thank you for a thank you received. My fiance and I set up honeymoon registry online, and now I've got questions. I just got notice that friends bought us a surfing lesson for the honeymoon. Do I send the note now and say thanks and I'm looking forward to learning to surf? Do I wait and send the note after the honeymoon and tell her how much I enjoyed it? Do I send a note now for the early wedding gift and a post card while we're on our trip? I don't really want to wait 2 months to get the note out, but nor do I want to spend my vacation writing thank-yous. What's the developing etiquette on this type of situation?

-Beach Bound Bride

Dear Beach Bound,

When you return from your honeymoon, all tanned, relaxed and full of stories (with illustrative photos) with which to regale your friends, the last thing you will want to do is write another card. The safest policy regarding thank you notes is to send them as soon as possible. That way they won't all pile up and overwhelm you

It is no more curious to send your note before you have had a chance to take your surfing lesson than it would be to thank someone for candlesticks you haven't had an opportunity to use. The point is to thank your friends for the present, not so much to inform them about how well the gift worked. Having said that, a quick line upon your return about how you have become so taken with the sport that you are investing in a board and wetsuit can't hurt you.

As a general rule, one should never have to maintain any kind of illusion with wedding presents. The givers know that they gave their gifts ahead of time, which means all one must do is graciously acknowledge them. Any follow up is, as they say, icing on the cake.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:59 AM    <link>

THANKING EVERYONE

Hi Elise-

Friends and family just threw a Jack n' Jill shower/party, for my fiance and me, and we don't know what we should do about thank you cards.

They way it worked was they sold tickets for a meal. All the guests were told that the price of the ticket (which also included the gift for us, so after everything was over we were given one big cash gift from everyone). There we many people there that we didn't even know (mostly my grandmother's friends)! We made sure to go around and thank everyone, even if we didn't even know who they were. For the people we don't know, we don't even have their addresses. But we do know we need to send hank you notes to everyone who helped put the whole Jack n' Jill shower together! Thanks for your help because we have been going crazy looking for the etiquette rules on this!!!

Pen in Hand

Dear Pen,

Jack n' Jill showers are complicated for many reasons of etiquette, but they do require that you send thank you notes to the people who came and gave you presents (I understand that these are financial offerings). Surely someone must have a guest list with the names and addresses of the people who were invited to your party. So, even if you don't know a lot of the people who came, you can probably track them down through your grandmother.

It seems like quite a bit of work, I know, to write these notes and find the people involved (though hounding your grandmother to open her address book may be the key), but your guests did not just attend a party, they gave you a present honoring your wedding. It will be worth your time to do the best you can to track down your guests and acknowledge their generosity.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:08 PM    <link>

WHO THROWS SHOWER?

Hi Elise,

I'm having an issue about showers. My wedding will have about 100 guests, mostly from the groom's side. But we have decided to have only a Best Man and a Maid of Honor, no other attendants. My Maid of Honor lives across the country. I don't have any contact with my mother's side of the family. My Maid of Honor and I would like to do something together instead of having a traditional shower, but my future mother-in-law wants to throw a shower for me. She would invite pretty much only my fiance's relatives, since I don't really have any close female friends or relatives. Now my Maid of Honor feels that she is being upstaged and I feel like my future mother-in-law is going to look like she is present fishing for me. What should I do?

Thanks,
Shower Overpowered

Dear Overpowered,

It's happening again. A threatened wedding shower is casting an uncomfortable shadow over an otherwise contented bride.

According to the strictest wedding etiquette, showers are not thrown by relatives. The reason behind this is one that you have identified: you don't want your future mother-in-law to be in a situation where she could be perceived as trying to snag more presents for you. Many people ignore this nuance, and you are being quite sensitive to think about it.

But all I have done is flatter you without offering you any solutions to your predicament. If you truly don't want a shower, understand that you are not being unreasonable. You are perfectly entitled to go without and plan any kind of outing you like with your Maid of Honor. If your fiance's mother is Hell-bent on entertaining and you don't want a shower, tell her about your discomfort and ask if she could modify her plans and throw a party instead of a shower. If she accepts your suggestion, you have the best possible scenario: a happy future mother-in-law, Maid of Honor who doesn't feel upstaged and a clear conscience.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:23 PM    <link>

RESTAURANT SHOWER: COULD GUESTS PAY?

Hi Elise,

My Maid of Honor and I are trying to plan a bridal shower for me. Instead of the traditional type of shower (finger foods, games, and presents I open in front of everyone), I would prefer to simply go to a restaurant and chat with my lady friends and family. No gifts would be expected, but if some people bring them I would open them later (if that is OK with the givers). In other words, it would just be lunch.

My Maid of Honor is the official hostess of whatever type of shower we end up with, but she would not be able to buy everyone's meal at a restaurant-type shower. Together we may be able to pay for half the bill, but we don't have the budget to cover the expected tab. Would it be wrong to invite people to this type of get-together, but ask them to pay for their own food? How would we word such an invitation? Since we could not afford to take everyone out, does this automatically eliminate the restaurant option?

- I Prefer Lunch

Dear Lunch,

While your relaxed, no pressure, no games, no ribbon bouquet shower sounds wonderful, I'm afraid I have to be the bad guy and advise against your plans. While there are certainly scenarios in which people do contrive to make their guests pay for their meals and entertainment, I really don't care for them. An invitation, in the most classical sense, should come with no strings attached. A shower is already a complicated sort of event, because it is a party that requires a present.

If you don't have enough money for a full luncheon, perhaps you could consider something different: a dessert party or cocktails. Another option, of course, is to ask around and see if you could negotiate with a restaurant for a limited menu that you and your Maid of Honor can afford. I realize that there are some types of event where guests pay for themselves- "Jack and Jill" showers are like this- but they make me cringe. It is just too uncomfortable to place the financial burden (however small) on one's guests. Above all else, you don't want to create a situation that leaves some guests miffed or disillusioned. It is much better to be direct and work within your means than to try to jury-rig something that could create hard feelings.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:46 PM    <link>

IF THEY SEE IT, MUST I SERVE IT?

Dear Elise,

I've heard it is bad etiquette to have guests pay for alcoholic drinks at a wedding. My fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves and have a small budget. We are planning on paying for beer and wine only at our reception, but the party is being held in a nightclub where hard alcohol is displayed behind the bar. Does this require us to serve and pay for it? Is it OK to have beer and wine free for guests with the option to buy liquor? It seems inappropriate to have liquor in sight, but off limits. Many of our guests are big drinkers at parties and would love to have shots with their beers, but we simply can't afford it.

-Confused About Booze

Dear Confused,

You're confused because it is confusing. All sorts of conflicting information about bars- open and otherwise- at wedding receptions is floating around, and there are all sorts of regional "policies" that threaten to cloud the structures enforced by so-called "traditional" etiquette.

If you want to walk the straight and narrow, etiquette-wise, don't let yourselves drift into a situation where guests would have to spend money at your wedding. There will always be places where it is considered perfectly acceptable to have a cash bar, or a partial cash bar, but the scenario that is really most comfortable for all parties is to offer what you can afford and nothing else. If you are worried about the presence of liquor, you could request that the wall of bottles behind the bar be taken down for your reception. You could replace it with your own decorations, and no one would think this was odd or curious at all. Ideally, the forbidden drink would be tucked away- out of sight out of mind- but if the wall of booze must remain standing, you can instruct the bartenders to stand firm and say that only the beer and wine is on offer. You aren't being a bad guy or harsh, or anything.

Remember, when it comes to the wedding reception, all that is required is that you are gracious. This means serving plenty of your choices of food and beverages. You don't have to be responsible for satisfying every desire and craving your guests might have. So, see if you can hide the hooch and hold your head high.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:45 PM    <link>

POST-VEGAS DELIGHTS

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married in Las Vegas and about two weeks later having a reception at home. The only people coming to our Vegas wedding are our immediate families and our attendants.

My mother thinks I should have some sort of "ceremony" or "commitment" thing before our reception back at home. She thinks that most people won't know we're married by then, and it might be a good thing to share our feelings with all of our guests. I'm planning on having a regular reception (wearing my dress, groomsman and attendants, 1st dance, cake cutting, etc) at home, since I'm not having anything after our ceremony in Vegas.

But my question comes in as this: would that "commitment ceremony" be appropriate? How would we plan something like that; how would the evening go?

Any advice you could give would be so helpful to me, I just can't seem to find anyone who's addressed this situation or done something like this (except for elopers, which I would technically not be).

Thanks Again,

Where to go from here

Dear Where,

You're justifiably confused, but you're not alone. Getting married before the big wedding has become increasingly common lately. Setting aside your mother's thoughts and opinions, which are a little curious – if you invite people to a reception presumably you would let them know that you're married - what would you like to do?

Many people who elope or have weddings abroad follow up with a reception and a ceremony at home. This can happen for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes people just want the pageantry, sometimes the wedding was performed elsewhere for legal or practical reasons and the second ceremony is more important for sentimental reasons. You don't need an excuse to have a second ceremony.

As for practicalities, you have tons of freedom. Because you'll already be legally married, it will be easy for you to get an officiant. A close friend or relative could perform your second set of vows. You could choose to have your ceremony before the reception meal, or after the meal and before dancing, anything is appropriate. The only thing I would caution you not to do is create a hierarchy of friends and relatives and invite some people to the whole party (ceremony and reception) and others to the reception alone. Doing this invariably makes the reception-only crowd wonder what was wrong with them that they didn't get invited to the whole party.

Since your plans already include many of the traditional elements found at weddings, you don't need to overwhelm yourself by imagining you're doing something outlandish. Continue your planning and just incorporate your ceremony as easily and naturally as you've done everything else. You're on solid ground.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:36 PM    <link>

HOW LONG TO MOURN

Hello Elise!

My issue, unfortunately, has to do with a death in my family. My grandma recently passed away and it was a huge shock to everyone. It was very unexpected; she was so healthy and vibrantly involved with the whole family. I guess I just can't stress enough how difficult this has been on everyone, as I'm sure it would be with any family's tragic loss, but she was the one who really united us and held us all together. She was our cornerstone.

It happens that she passed away on the day that my fiance and I would have been married the following year. How long is it appropriate to wait after a family has endured such a tragedy? We're changing the date, but is there a certain required period of mourning? Right now we're looking at moving it back to now being 16 months after her passing. If you have any advice, it would be much appreciated.

Thanks so much,

Family in Mourning

Dear Mourning,

My condolences. I am sorry for your loss and for the confusion it brings to the decisions, even the happy ones, in your life.

Your question is interesting and sensitive, since it seems to yearn for much older practices and traditions. The fast answer is that you don't have to change your plans at all, and you only need to be concerned about doing what is most comfortable to you and your families. Even your original wedding date would provide a more than acceptable period of morning, though you would understandably not necessarily want to get married on the anniversary of your grandmother's death. A quick look to Amy Vanderbilt, writing on etiquette in 1963, reveals that there is no required period of mourning, even for deaths in the family. "The death of a very old person, a grandmother or grandfather, rarely calls for the postponement of a wedding these days, but it all very much depends on the feelings of all involved."

If 16 months is the amount of time that feels best for you, then your wedding has passed the only test of propriety that matters. Don't let your sadness make you feel guilty. Shed your concerns about not showing enough respect, and know that you are more than entitled to have a happy, raucous, passionate celebration.

Congratulations and best wishes,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:44 AM    <link>

THE PROTOCOLS OF THE B-LIST

Dear Elise -

If you have to limit the number of wedding attendees, at what point can you send out second-round invitations without seeming rude?

My fiance and I are getting married in small wedding, with just our families and a few close local friends. The site we chose is beautiful, and has a limit of 60 people, which is fine with us.

We are headed out on a honeymoon, and when we return we are having a couple of parties. We live in PA, and one of the parties will be here, and another in MA, where I was raised.

I have one or two close MA friends who are not on the list for the actual wedding. But as the time has gotten closer, I find myself really regretting that they and their families will not be with us at the wedding and reception, even though they are delighted to be invited to one of the parties. Unfortunately, we really do not know which of our family members will actually show up, so we have no idea if we will have the room for these friends until quite close to the wedding.

Do I simply wait, and send them a last minute invite, having already told them the actual wedding is just for our families? I worry they will be offended, but don't want to lead them on by saying we might have room for them, eventually. Who wants to be on a wedding "waiting list?" I would love for them to be able to plan on coming, but can't until I hear back from our families. Any ideas?

Sincerely,

But I Like the B-List

Dear B-List.

This is always the small wedding lament- many of the people one wants most to invite get pushed aside by relatives one doesn't know too well. In your case, you have a lot going on: a wedding and two post-nuptial receptions and you may find that juggling three guest lists is all you can handle without trying to handle extra additions and subtractions.

But, if you're up for it, there are some practical steps you can take to accommodate a B-list discreetly.

1- The best way to handle having a second round of invitations is to send out your first round a bit early. The usual protocol I recommend is to ask your caterer when he or she will need a final head count, and then send out the invitations 3-6 weeks before that deadline.

2- If you send out your A-list mailing a week or so early, you may be able to start planning a second mailing if you get some efficient replies. (For most people, that is unfortunately a singularly large "IF.")

3-The trick here will be to send out your second wave of invitations well before the RSVP deadline (2-3 weeks before, latest) so it isn't obvious that you had to have a "waiting list." Finally, if you feel comfortable with some of your A-listers, and you haven't heard from them in a timely way, you can give them a call and gently ask what they're thinking.

If you've already indicated that you can't invite your friends, it's unwise to turn around and tell them that there may be space after all. Very few people like being put on a waiting list for a wedding and if your friends are content with being invited to your party and have no hard feelings, why complicate matters for yourself? You've got your hands full as it is.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:28 PM    <link>

PROBLEMATIC PRESENTS

Dear Elise,

My future mother-in-law likes to buy me clothes. While I appreciate the thought, I really prefer to buy my own clothing. I like to keep my wardrobe simple and (gasp!) only wear two colors, so her tastes don't always mirror mine. The other problem is that she lives about three hours away, and doesn't always get my size right, which makes exchanging things difficult if not impossible.

Is there a polite way to let her know that I would really rather not have her buy me clothes? I feel bad, because she is very generous, but half the time the clothing either winds up in the back of my closet or I end up giving it away. I also see her often enough that I'm afraid she's going to begin to wonder why she never sees me in any of the things she's bought. Your advice is appreciated. I hope you and your baby are doing well.

Thanks,

I Like to Dress Myself

Dear Dress,

Many thanks for your kind words.

This is a tricky situation. Usually, with presents one doesn't want or which don't fit, one simply accepts them graciously and pushes them to the back of a closet. Because your future mother-in-law keeps giving you things and will surely notice that you don't wear any of them, you may find you will be more polite if you gently address the problem, rather than create a situation where she feels hurt that you never wear the clothes she gives you.

Before you summon your courage, however, talk to your fiance about this and make sure this won't aggravate the situation. If he truly feels you should keep mum on the topic, listen to him. She may have sensitivities that even the most delicate inoffensive approach will still agitate. One person I know quite well gets offended if one exchanges a present for something in the correct size but which is otherwise identical. Nothing can be done about this kind of insanity.

Once you determine that your future mother-in-law can handle suggestions, try sidling up to the issue. One way to handle this is to enlist the help of your fiance. He could run interference by suggesting other items she could get that
would be more useful ("She has so many clothes, but what I think she would really love is that heavy Oxford English Dictionary that comes with the magnifying glass.") An alternative option would be to explain that you are hard to fit and really need to try clothes on before you buy them (you can blame some sort of real or imagined physical quirk). The trick to altering her behavior is never to criticize, but to subtly encourage her in other directions, so she winds up believing the new present-buying scheme is her own invention.

It may not work, but it is worth a shot. It is very hard to change a person's gift giving habits, so proceed with caution, and be sure to discuss the matter with your future husband before acting. Ideally, this would bring you and your future mother-in-law closer together, not complicate your relationship. But be sure to take her measure through your fiance.

Good luck, tread lightly, and don't worry if you chicken out. There is a "don't ask don't tell" clause written into the unwritten gift-givers contract, which means she should never press you about how often you wear her presents.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:12 PM    <link>

THANK YOUS HAVE NO STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS

Dear Elise:

I just stumbled upon your website and discovered that
you are the perfect person to ask.

AAARRRGGGHHH!! I got married in May 2004 to my high school sweetheart from 32 years ago. Long story short, I became an instant stepmom to two lovely children with special needs, who required a lot of doctor visits and educational work. I finally raised my head out of my newly discovered domestic bliss to the ugly fact that I have NOT sent thank you notes to anyone who gave us a wedding gift.

Hence, the embarrassment, and my questions: 1. Do I still send them out (eleven months later)? 2. Do I apologize for the delay or ignore the length of time that has passed? 3. Got any tips on what I should say?

Please help!! Thank you.

- Belated But Grateful

Dear Belated,

Congratulations on rediscovering your sweetheart and on so gracefully embracing all the complications that marrying him brought into your life. I can well imagine how your stomach gets all clenchy when your harried eyes fall on some of the presents you received and realize how much time has slipped away. You can easily ease your aching abdominals, but only after enduring some mild writer's cramp.

Indeed, you can and should write thank you notes for your wedding presents. No one, no one polite certainly, would ever reject a gracious letter no matter how late it is. As for your other queries, I think you can briefly apologize for not having written sooner, but there is no need to go into details with your excuses. No matter how good and legitimate they are, your letter will drift away from its purpose, which is to acknowledge the gift and gently say that you're sorry you weren't able to say how much you like it sooner. Since a year has elapsed since you received all these things, you could have plenty to say in your notes. You could describe how often you use some presents or comment wistfully on how you can't wait until you have a chance to play with them. You can say how, when you catch a glimpse of these things, you are reminded of how happy you were that you could share your nuptials with your friends and relatives.

It takes courage to write thank you notes so far after the fact, but I can promise that people will be impressed that you braved embarrassment and put pen to paper. I should also warn you that this is probably a big task, and not something you can necessarily do in one sitting. Try setting small goals for yourself, and only write a few at a time. If you try to take care of them all at once, you'll only lose your mind, and then imagine how much longer it will take you to complete your mission.

Good luck, and be sure to reward yourself for all of this work. During particularly arduous projects, my mother used to park a large bag of M&M Peanut on her desk and pay herself little "tolls" for reaching small landmarks. The candy really did keep her plugging along.

Congratulations again,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:57 PM    <link>

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