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Thursday, June 30, 2005

PRACTICING TO DECEIVE

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are moving in together and, to avoid being disowned by our very religious families, we are planning on eloping with a courthouse ceremony. Only the two of us, and our daughter will be present (we are avoiding parents because of sticky divorce situations).

We would like to send out an announcement/invitation to a cocktail reception a month after our wedding, but I am concerned with two things. The first is that everyone keeps asking for a date so they can keep it open, but I know if I tell them anything my mother will guilt trip me later for lying to her about our wedding date, and I'm also concerned that a month's notice isn’t enough time. Secondly, how can I tell my future mother-in-law that I need to get an address list from her soon without telling her the true date of the wedding? I would like to send the invitations out the same day we elope and need to get the guest list in order quickly.

Pushed Many Ways

Dear Pushed,

Deceiving one's family and friends is a delicate art. You must first accept the fact that you are going to have to do some creative fibbing. There is nothing wrong with this. You're doing it in the name of self-preservation. Then you have to brush up on your acting skills.

Pretend you are planning a surprise party for each person who questions you. You will need to extract important information from your friends and family, but you can't tell them what you're planning. Make a game of it. Play spy.

When your friends ask what your plans are, just say something along these lines: "Oh, you know, I'm dying to set an official date, but things just keep coming up, so we're just waiting for everything to settle before anything gets set in stone. It would be such a drag to get my heart set on a day and then have to change it." If your mother-in-law-to-be asks why you want names, a suitable reply could be: "I know it's getting ahead of myself, but I wanted to have all the information on hand. I'm just trying to be efficient."

As for your other concern, in a stealth situation like yours, there is really no need for anything even resembling a Save the Date card, and really, wedding invitations don't need to go out more than four to six weeks before the day.

So put on a blithe, carefree face and dance around all the direct questions that get tossed your way. This is one of the few times when it really pays to be coy. People won't realize you're dodging them until they get your invitation, so no harm will be done to any party.

Certainly it is a drag to scheme to keep everyone in the dark, but if you maintain a lively, warm attitude, you won't offend.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:31 AM    <link>

CONTROLLING THE KIDS

Dear Elise,

I am in search of advice for a potentially dodgy situation involving my sister's son. He is a wonderful kid, but has behavioral problems. My sister really wants him to be part of the ceremony, and says: "his behavior is much better when he has something to do." My sister also wants my niece (who will be 4) to be involved. My fiance suggested that the kids bring up the "gifts" (bread and wine in a Catholic ceremony), but I really doubt that Chuck is up to the task. Do you have any ideas about how he can be a part of the ceremony without chaos erupting? I was thinking that he and my niece could help my brothers be the ushers. (Does it go against etiquette for my sister to ask that her children be part of my wedding ceremony to begin with?)

I am also concerned about Chuck's behavior during the ceremony. I honestly don't want him to be screaming during the ceremony. However, kids will be kids, and they are part of the life cycle, as is marriage, and I want to welcome them. I was thinking about hiring a babysitter to watch over him (and other children if their parents want). In case the worst should happen; he can attend, and if his behavior gets the better of him, one of my brothers can discretely escort him to the babysitter, since my sister will be a bridesmaid). I was also thinking of having the parents hand their kids over to the babysitter to begin with, because it is an hour-long ceremony, and they will be more entertained in a place where they can run free.

Please help! And many, many thanks.

Sincerely,

A stamp-out-fires-before-they-occur bride

Dear Stamp,

I do hope you are not surprised when you read the following sentence. It is not the bride's job to ensure the good behavior of her nephew at her wedding. There is something else that presumably will be consuming her time and energy. Take this to heart. Your sister's children are not yours to control.

Now, your sister has asked if her kids can participate in your ceremony, and it doesn't really matter whether or not her request is presumptuous, because, as one of the two people in charge, you have the final word. Nowhere does it say that nephews and nieces must take part in one's nuptials.

As always, consistency is key, so be sure about what you want to do. If you want the kids to participate a little bit, you may be best off employing your usher idea. This will allow them to do something "grown-up" that is still supervised and doesn't rely so much on performance (the way being an active part of the ceremony does). This has the added benefit of not appearing to favor one sibling over another. If you don't want either child to be part of the wedding, then you must be firm about this choice.

Now, you floated the idea of getting a babysitter for the ceremony. If you go with this plan, and it is a good one, you can either tell *all* the parents that the sitter is available and let them decide whether or not to take advantage of that service, or you can tell *all* the parents that young children must be left with the sitter for the duration of the ceremony. What will not work is if you tell some parents that they must make use of the babysitter and let others do what they want. You would never want to give your sister the impression that you're worried about her son's behavior, even if you are.

So, this is really a matter of deciding what you want to do. You can give the kids a marginal role or not, exile them with a babysitter or not, but you must be firm and consistent no matter what choice you make. Only then will you have a leg to stand on if someone decides to get difficult and whiney, and in this case, I'm not talking about the children.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:23 PM    <link>

REHEARSAL DINNER DINERS

Dear Elise,

As father of the groom, I would greatly appreciate your advising me regarding whom the guest list for the rehearsal dinner should contain that conforms to all the rules of etiquette. I don't want this list to keep growing once we've made it. Tell me if I'm wrong:
Parents of bride
Parents of groom
Grandparents of bride
Grandparents of groom
Bridesmaids with husbands or fiances only, not dates
Groomsmen with wives or fiancees only, not dates
Ringbearer and his parents
Flower girl and her parents

Any more? Anyone on this list that could be excluded without breaking etiquette? I want to feel comfortable knowing that I have followed all rules of etiquette when we make this list. I'm afraid that this could turn into a circus! Thank you very much.

- Table Setting

Dear Table,

You should absolutely look at the standard list, but before you dig in and start getting rigid about the rules for rehearsal dinner guest lists, take a breath and think for a moment about comfort. The rehearsal dinner can have a strict, interpretation or one can be more liberal with it, and how you handle it depends on the kind of wedding your son is having.

The most traditional list of invitees includes: the wedding party (though flower girls and the ring bearer and their parents are often optional), the immediate family of the bride and groom, the spouses/ domestic partners/ fiance(e)s of the wedding party, AND the officiant and his/her spouse if they are coming from out of town. If finances and space permit, it is also in keeping with tradition to invite other relatives and friends who are coming in to town for the wedding.

So you see, even the most traditional approach involves a fair amount of flexibility. How large an affair you have is mostly up to you.

I would, however, make one suggestion that does not fall under the rubric of "tradition." If some of your prospective guests are attending the wedding with long time companions, and they are not married or engaged, consider including them in this meal, especially if they are traveling for the wedding. While it may not be traditional, asking that a boyfriend or girlfriend of one of your guests fend for him or herself in a strange town just because their relationship doesn't have the stamp of permanence is a little cold. Weddings are celebrations of relationships, and it is a happy thing to embrace the nuptial events with a spirit of inclusiveness.

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:08 PM    <link>

GAGGLE OF GIRLFRIENDS

Hello Elise,

I am confused about whom to pick for my brides-girls. I have a group of girlfriends (seven) who are my closest friends. I really don't want to pick certain people, but one girlfriend is flying over from America to New Zealand and I promised she would be a bridesmaid. I don't want to feel that I am 'rating' my girlfriends, although I have a good idea who I would choose if I had to.

To add to the confusion, I have a teenage and a pre-teen sister who are excitedly anticipating brides-girl roles. My question is: what are some other roles I could give to my other girlfriends to honor them and their friendship? My finace and I are having a simple beach ceremony.

Thank you,

Other roles for Girlfriends

Dear Other Roles,

There are no real rules about how many bridesmaids is too many. If one is having a very small informal wedding, a big crowd of identically dressed women might seem a little out of place, but really this is a matter of taste. If it is just a question of having your close friends stand up with you, you could easily ask all seven of them- and nowhere is it written that they all need to wear the same outfit.

There are, of course, plenty of roles for people, if you'd rather take that route. Some people ask their friends to do readings as part of their ceremonies. Your youngest sister could be a flower girl; your older sister (if she is of age and if this is something that is done in New Zealand) could sign your marriage certificate. You can choose to have all or none of these honorary positions. All you really want to do is let your friends and sisters know how much they mean to you, so don't feel pressured to expand your ceremony or complicate matters if that's not what you want. You can always ask that your photographer shoot a bunch of pictures of you with your best friends. Those images will retain their meaning for you long after you've forgotten how much you struggled to find suitable jobs for your friends at your wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:52 AM    <link>

STOP ASKING

Dear Elise,

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years, and we have been cohabitating for one year. We are planning to get married at some point, but don't know when. Right now we're seeing a couple's therapist and are working on resolving some issues. We love each other very much, and are very happy.

What do I do when his family, or mine for that matter, asks us the inevitable question: "So, when are you two getting married?" (or the gag-inducing: "So, when are we going to see rings on those fingers?")? I don't doubt their good intentions, but I still find this question unbearably rude. Perhaps it's especially a sore spot because of our unresolved personal issues, but I'm not about to delve into all that with these relative strangers/strange relatives.

Last weekend when it happened, I made bug eyes and said, "Excuse me, please," and went to get more appetizers, leaving my boyfriend there to deal with the question (it was his family).

The next wedding we attend is on my family's side, and I'd like to be prepared with a witty rejoinder or two so I can do my part to protect our privacy and my sanity. The things that occur to me to say are not especially polite since this question offends me, so I'd like to be able to expand my repertoire. What would you suggest? And do you have any thoughts about what I can say to his family and he to mine in case either of us gets cornered alone?

Signed,
None of Your Beeswax

Dear Beeswax,

Generally a man of complicated ideas and impossible to follow advice, my father tossed me this pearl when I was at an impressionable age: "You know what the 11th commandment is? Mind your own business. Follow it." Unfortunately, this seems to be a largely forgotten mandate, particularly in this age where everyone feels entitled to know everything all the time.

There are few things more universal and wearying than the Incessant Nosybody. This type has incredible stamina and an instinct to press hard on any sore spot, so if it isn't your wedding, it would be your career or your plans to procreate or your fertility or your pregnancy or... you see it just goes on.

As loud as the siren song of the zinger sings to you, beware of the hard, witty retort. Over time it will just sound brittle and angry and then you're stuck with people saying you hurt their feelings. The best response to pesky questions is, unfortunately, quite bland.

- When there's news, I'm sure you'll hear it.
- Oh, we'll let you know.
- How nice of you to ask. Let me just get a drink.
- Don't worry. We won't do anything without letting people know. (You can't use this, of course, if you are planning to elope.)

I know how powerful the urge to say something stinging is, but resist the impulse to treat rudeness in kind. The more vaguely pleasant and pleasantly vague you are, the less these people have to work with.

Cheers and good luck

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:13 AM    <link>

UNIFORM & SCENE STEALING

Dear Elise,

My future mother-in-law informed us that she is going to tell my future sister-in-law's boyfriend to wear his military uniform to our wedding, "because he looks so good in it." My fiance thinks that this would draw unnecessary attention to someone we have only met once. Is it customary for people in the military to wear their uniforms as a wedding guest? Thanks!

- No Idea

Dear No Idea,

I confess this is the first time I've heard of a groom being concerned that a guest's attire might upstage him, but that might be because, at formal weddings, the men are dressed nearly identically in tuxedos and dark suits. I did attend one black tie affair where in a sea of tuxedos there was one fellow in a kilt made of his family tartan. He stole no thunder from the groom and in fact added something charming to the photos.

In point of fact, it is not uncommon for people in the armed services to wear their uniforms to civilian events, so your fiance' sister's boyfriend is in the clear if he decides to wear his uniform. The US Military of course has rules governing military attire, and as a general matter, one should not wear one's uniform if one is not on Active Duty or Active Reserve (though I imagine there are exceptions).

While your future sister-in-law's boyfriend would not be transgressing if he wears his uniform (assuming he's not doing anything that breaks with military protocol), your future mother-in-law has annoyed you. I can assure you that even if this fellow were to come dressed as the Baltimore Oriole, he would only be a momentary distraction. As for your fiance's mother, she is perhaps a little too interested in appearances, but consider yourself fortunate that she is not trying to tell you or your fiance how she wants you to dress. And remember, not everyone loves a man in uniform. I spent many months in an office where an elderly but angry husky would regularly try to take a chunk out of the FedEx man.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:49 PM    <link>

TANGLED

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are feeling extremely anxious about our upcoming wedding in three months. We know we are right for each other and undoubtedly love one another, but we are both nervous. My fiance has lived alone forever and is very independent and I am on the other end of the spectrum, clingy and dependent.

How do we make this work?

-Nervous

Dear Nervous,

I wish so much that the long arm of etiquette could deal with matters of the heart, but your question is less about manners than it is about emotions. Only you (and you alone) can know if your marriage is right for you. I have wished on a number of occasions that I could read minds, and here I'm doing it again.

Still, your brief query does imply a few surface issues that, tickled with etiquette, might resolve themselves. You speak rather disparagingly of yourself as being "clingy and dependent," but I wonder if you are seeing too much virtue in being independent and aloof. Do you feel nervous and clingy all the time, or only when you are reminded of the fact that you do get lonely by your fiance's solipsism? Something about his manner may contribute to your feeling uncomfortable with your needs. It may do you well to simply address the differences between you, so that you and your fiance can be sensitive and aware of the times when he, perhaps, needs some time alone and you need more support.

People often believe etiquette has no place in the private sphere, but they could not be more mistaken. Good manners are key not only in society, but also in the home, even with people with whom you are most comfortable, with whom you have suffered illness, embarrassment, pleasure and irritation. Have respect for each other and for yourselves and you might find ways to be more comfortable. Of course, the next logical step is to seek impartial assistance in the form of some kind of pre-marital counseling.

And now, because you may have more to say that will tax this particular medium and my limits, I will refer you to the Kvetch pages on Second Thoughts. Others may share your plight and even if you don't feel like describing your situation, some of the stories and advice may be of interest to you.

Good luck and take heart,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:39 AM    <link>

SULKY STEPMOM

Dear Elise,

I am having a very small (20 person) wedding this summer at my fiance's parents' cottage. Since I announced my engagement, my stepmother has been upset because I did not invite two of her three children with whom I lived for a few years, but to whom I am not at all close. (My stepbrother is a racist and sexist bad tempered drinker). Neither of my stepsiblings is upset with me, but my stepmother has been giving me the cold shoulder and barely talks to me when I go visit. There has been some on-and-off tension between us for years, but this is by far the rudest she's ever been to me.

I'm afraid my stepmother will be her usual moody, grumpy and unhappy self at my very small wedding. We will be sitting all together at a U-shaped table; there is no way to avoid her. My father tells me she is on hormone drugs and this is why she is so moody, but I don't think that's any excuse for her to ignore my fiance and me when we visit. She is impossible to talk to and I am at my wit's end. Just thinking about her at my wedding is making me anxious. Do you think there is any way I can tell my Dad not to bring her, that she is too unbearable? I know that by doing this it might mean the end of me going over to that house ever again, but sometimes I wonder why I even keep going anyway.

Please help me. I'm torn between guilt of hurting my Dad and fear of having my wedding day ruined by my step-mother.

Sincerely,

Desperate for Advice

Dear Desperate,

If you read these pages regularly, you know how I feel about etiquette and consistency. If everyone gets the same treatment, one is spared all kinds of heartache. You were unable to be consistent with your guest list and that is why you're faced with a sullen stepmom.

The source of your father's wife's problem is not entirely in her medication. She is angry with you for only inviting one of her children to your wedding. Regardless of whether or not her kids even wanted an invitation, she feels slighted and hurt for them. This is the way of things, I'm afraid. Parents of hideous children, even grown-up ones, are often offended when their kids are, in their eyes, neglected or mistreated. Of course, you have your own reasons for not inviting these people, but she will not be able to understand them.

Asking your father to leave his wife at home will, I'm afraid, only add insult to injury. Your father will surely be hurt by your request and you could lose him as an ally. If you are looking for maximum drama, maximum anger and the maximum amount of guilt hurled your way, this would be the route to take. I don't advise it.

Perhaps you could have a word with your father and explain how you feel. The hormones are simply an excuse for her hurt feelings. You know what the bug in her ear is. Try to make an effort to be conciliatory. See if there is anything you can do to make her more comfortable. Ask if there is anything you can do to help your stepmother get over your decision. This does not mean you have to invite the children you dislike, unless you're desperate for reconciliation, and it isn't too late to take such drastic action. If nothing else, your concern should serve as a reminder to your father that your wedding is an important event, and perhaps he could help his wife put on a pleasant face for the occasion.

Be firm but reasonable. You don't want to hurt your family, even though they're driving you crazy. This is your wedding, but ideally you won't let the image of perfect nuptials damage your relationships that will persist long after you're back from the honeymoon.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:05 AM    <link>

POLITICAL FAVORS

Dear Elise,

In lieu of wedding favors, my fiance and I plan to make a donation to a charity in honor of our guests. However, some of the charities we are considering, such as Planned Parenthood, Moveon.org, or the Human Rights Campaign, are working for causes that might go against the beliefs of some of our guests. Is it bad etiquette to make such a political donation in honor of people who may disagree with the politics? No one will be named specifically; it would simply be, "in honor of our friends and family in attendance at our wedding," or something similarly general. We can certainly pick a more neutral charity, but do we need to?

Thanks,

Activist Bride and Groom

Dear Activists,

When you think about it, a wedding is a political gesture. Whether you get married in a church or by the state, what kind of band you select, the kind of ceremony you choose- everything reveals something of your philosophy. Knowing you as they do, it is unlikely that your friends and family would be surprised by your political interests.

There is nothing wrong with making a donation to the charity of your choice in lieu of wedding favors (for that matter, there is nothing wrong with foregoing the favors altogether). It is a thoughtful and generous gesture. (One of the most appealing favor donations I ever heard of was a gift to an epilepsy organization because a sibling of the groom suffers tremendously.) Remember that your donation isn't foisting anything upon anybody and you are not naming anyone directly, so the donation, no matter what, is really coming from you. If you are feeling weird about possible controversy, you can either divide your contribution among a few charities, so that people who may not agree with the politics of, say Moveon.org or Greenpeace, can feel comfortable with a donation to the ASPCA, a literacy campaign, a fund for disease research or some other organization that no one should quibble with, or you can make your donation to a single neutral charity.

You will not be doing anything wrong with your gesture even if you keep it unadulterated, but I understand not wanting to create even a tremor of irritation. You do have choices, but this is your wedding and your money and you are entitled to express yourselves in the way that pleases you most. What do you want most?

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:24 PM    <link>

NOT YET OR NOT EVER?

Dear Elise -

For a number of reasons - ranging from relationship snafus to a sudden serious illness in the family - my fiance and I have decided to postpone the wedding. Although we agreed to tell people what the new date is as soon as we know, there is the possibility of it taking place anytime- a year from the original date, or maybe never.

Although, invites have NOT been sent, how do we go about letting people know? (I would certainly like to avoid mailing an "I'm not sure what the hell we're doing!" note to friends and family). What would you suggest in terms of returning gifts?

Thank You!

In a Prenuptial Pickle

Dear Pickle,

I'm sorry you have to face a bureaucratic problem in addition to the emotional ones you're battling right now, but you are to be commended for putting on the breaks instead of trying to ignore whatever problems are plaguing you and your nuptials.

When invitations have not been sent, but word has gotten around about your plans, you have a couple of choices. You can send out a card saying only that the wedding has been postponed indefinitely. You could call your potential guests and tell them, or you could write a quick and pithy email. Remember, always, that you don't owe anyone an explanation, so if you don't feel comfortable discussing your decisions, just tell your concerned friends and relatives that you think this is the best decision for the moment and you'll let them know as soon as there's news.

As for the engagement presents, you should return them. Some friends may refuse to take their gifts back. That is their prerogative. But you should be on record for making the effort.

The only comfort in having to take care of all of the "business" of postponing is that it is, especially if you use correspondence instead of the telephone, mechanical and can help alleviate the feeling of inaction that can settle when one decides NOT to do something. Take care of yourself and I hope to hear back from you in happier times with some petty question along the lines of: Which side of a staircase is one supposed to walk on? (The answer, for the record, is: the right.)

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:13 PM    <link>

CLASH OF WEDDINGS

Dear Elise,

I got engaged last August and promptly asked my best friend, who lives across the globe, to be my maid of honor. She agreed. Both of us knew she would be absolved of all typical maid of honor duties -- I was just thrilled to have her there at all! I knew that she would be spending a giant lump of cash just to be here, and that was enough for me.

My wedding is next month. She called last week to announce she was engaged. I was thrilled, and we discussed how I would get over to her country for the event. Then she said that didn't want to wait. I told her that if she had her wedding so soon I would not be able to go (because by then my vacation days at work will be all used up).

Well, yesterday she told me that she wouldn't be coming to my wedding because of travel costs, and yes, she decided to move forward with her plan to get married in a couple of months.

Now, before my vacation day issue came up, I knew in my heart that I would be there for her wedding, no matter what. I also know that, for me to get there would cost about half what I am spending on my wedding. She's my best friend and I wanted to be there for her. I thought she'd want me there too.

I recognize that we have different financial priorities. That's one thing. But does this show we also rate our friendship differently in terms of importance? There are so many factors here and I'm confused about how I should be reacting. At first I was stunned and sad, and now I'm getting angrier by the minute. I've asked her to explain to me in detail her decision so I can understand and react appropriately, but she hasn't made time for that yet. This really hurts.

Thanks,
Trumped Wedding

P.S. No, she's not pregnant.

Dear Trumped,

I wish I could explain why the happiest events tend to test friendships, but that is a mystery better solved by the study of psychiatry than etiquette.

Still, I suspect what is making you suffer, and I am sorry you are so hurt, is that you and your friend have fundamentally different philosophies about your weddings. Neither of you is more right than the other. You just happen to have a clash of cultures. The fact that you have been planning your wedding for eleven months while she has given herself a handful of weeks alone should suggest that she doesn't feel the need to construct the same sort of event you do and has probably realized that many of the people she'd like to invite won't be able to attend because of scheduling conflicts and prohibitive airfare prices. People want different things from their weddings.

Of course you want to be with your friend for both of these important occasions, but it might not be possible. She might be acting hastily by scheduling her wedding as she has, but it probably has nothing to do with you and your plans and everything to do with her own personal timeline and issues of convenience.

Try not to think of her decision as a reflection of how she feels about your friendship. If you can't attend each other's wedding, declare yourselves even and don't press the situation for additional meaning. She is still your friend and will support you, even from a distance. Use this distance to your advantage. She can be a neutral party you can use as a sounding board. You haven't lost a friend, and you haven't lost her interest. Take heart and be sure to bring pictures when you see her next, to show her the fun she missed.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:58 PM    <link>

FAVORS FROM THE SEA

Hello,

I went to a wedding last summer and at each placemat setting was a real ocean sand dollar and ribbon. I thought it looked quite unique and elegant. Is that a common practice? Where can I get a large quantity of sand dollars for my upcoming June wedding? A friend mentioned eBay as a source for these.
Any help would be appreciated.

Thank you,

Beachcomber

Dear Beachcomber,

This is not strictly speaking an etiquette question, unless the query is about whether it is acceptable to collect the discarded houses of sea creatures.

Sand dollars are actually sort of appealing. They're Echinoids (and so are sea cucumbers, starfish and sea urchins) and are so bland and lacking in meat that they have very few natural predators (except for the fabulously named Ocean Pout). They survive by being inconspicuous.

As for their use in weddings, favor traditions are so wacky and random (see columns from 3.29.5005 "Favors- Must I?" and 4.13.2005 "Favor Poll Results"), I could not begin to say, but they are attractive and no less useless than little plastic things.

If you want to acquire a large number of sand dollars, I would first check to see if you would be doing anything environmentally questionable in making this purchase (anyone?). If you get the all clear, just turn to the search engine of your choice and see what you can find online.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:30 PM    <link>

SHOWER POWER AND THE FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW

Dear Elise,

My maid of honor and only bridesmaid are going to host a bridal shower for me. I wanted to keep the shower small, close friends, family and co-workers. My future mother-in-law hasn't mentioned hosting a shower of her own, but is concerned about whether or not the women on her side will be invited to the shower hosted by attendants. I'm confused! Are the in-laws "supposed" to host a shower? My future mother-in-law prides herself in proper etiquette, especially in light of planning our wedding. It just seems strange that she hasn't offered to host a shower, but on the flip side I've never expected her to either.

At this point if we were to invite my future in-laws there would be over 50 guests. I don't want to burn any bridges with my future mother-in-law (just yet), but I also don't want to strain my attendant's budget- over 50 guest seems like a lot of guests for a bridal shower. What's a bride to do?

-Can't Confront

Dear Can't,

Here we are, plummeting once again into the weird world of Shower Etiquette where there are all sorts of secret rules and traditions. In fact, your future mother-in-law is not really behaving badly.

There are longstanding traditions, that have been mentioned on these pages before which hold that relatives of the bride (and this extends to relatives-in-law) should never throw a shower. The Byzantine reasoning for this is that, since showers are unusual sorts of parties that demand that their guests bring presents, it would be inappropriate for a relative to try to "fish" for gifts for the bride.

I realize that this reasoning seems "old-fashioned" and delicate, but there it is, and if your fiance's mother is at all sensitive to tradition, she will not breathe word one about throwing a shower for you. Now, if she wants to add to the guest list and your attendants can't afford to throw a party for a big crowd, you can be honest with her about your financial limits and see how she responds.

There are all sorts of ways to compromise on numbers. If she wants to invite 20 people, you could tell her you only have room for 10 and let her decide how to handle these parameters. Another choice would be to limit her invitations to immediate family only. If she is truly a stickler for etiquette, your future mother-in-law will, presumably, be presiding over a rehearsal dinner. Let her have her way with this party. She will be hosting it, anyway, and she will be able to invite all of her relatives to that.

Chances are, your future mother-in-law is not trying to interfere, she more likely wants to be included and doesn't want to feel guilty about denying her relatives invitations, so be direct and honest about your budget, and see if there is any room for compromise.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:05 AM    <link>

INDIEETIQUETTE ON AIR

Dear All,

The persistent debate about wedding presents is of great concern to all, especially in peak wedding season, and I was asked to weigh in on some of the myriad sore sopts this issue tends to irritate for a show on American Public Media radio.

The show aired today on Sound Money, but it is archived online, so you can listen to it at your leisure, should the mood strike you.

Cheers and thank you,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:01 PM    <link>

BAD PRESENTS

Hello Elise-

I just got engaged last month and the engagement gifts are already coming in. We registered at a few places for simple things like picture frames and photo albums, but people are just giving us stuff. I've written thank yous for everything, but what do I do with the stuff that is unpractical or ugly? We live in a really small apartment in NYC that is already chock full of stuff and I feel like we need a plan for all the stuff we don't want to keep. Can we return it? Donate it to a thrift store? Throw it out the window? What is my responsibility to ugly, unpractical gifts (beaded, stuffed pumpkins anyone?) that we will never want?

- No Room

Dear No Room,

Weddings are full of truths, universally acknowledged, and you're living with the results of one of them: some presents will be lousy. Of course this happens in regular "civilian" life as well, just in a less concentrated form.

You're wise to get thank you notes out of the way as soon as possible. The faster you write them, the less difficult it is to find the right words to disguise your feelings of puzzlement as to what about you simply screams "stuffed pumpkin." Now, you can do anything you like with them. You are under no obligation to keep or cherish the items you have received. You can return the unwanted presents, exchange them for things you do need, donate them to charity, create an art installation... the mind reels. There has been some discussion of this in Kvetch, and you may find this thread useful. The discussion is reassuring because it suggests there is a home for almost everything.

Refrain from tossing your beaded gourds out the window. It is surely illegal in New York City, and, worse, word of your transgression will surely get back to the people who inflicted the things on you in the first place when the saga gets reported on NY1 and in the New York Daily News.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:47 PM    <link>

GROUP DYNAMIC

Hello Elise,

I graduated from college a year ago, while I was at school I lived with 7 other girls for two years. We were all very good friends. Now, one of us is getting married but the bride-to-be invited all of her former roommates, except one that she was not as close with. I understand that wedding planning involves a lot of number crunching, but the rest of us see ourselves as a package deal. Although we have all grown apart from the bride-to-be since graduation, we are appalled that she chose to exclude only one of the 7 of us (the rest of us still remain very close).

I also was wondering the proper etiquette of inviting guests? Only the few of us who are married seems to have been invited with a significant other to this wedding. I am traveling over 3000 miles to attend, and have been with my significant other (with whom I’ve been living for over 6 months) for as long as the bride has been with her fiance, and another friend has been with her significant other for twice as long. I guess for my own piece of mind, I was wondering if I am correct in thinking these are both etiquette faux pas?

Thanks so much for your help.

- College Crowd

Dear College,

Have you ever read Mary McCarthy's The Group? It's a curious, dated, rather nasty novel about the complicated post-graduate lives of a group of women who all went to Vassar together. I mention it because I suspect you're hitting upon something rather Group-y: you can't really know what sort of strange dynamics blossomed between and among all the members of your crowd, to wit: maybe the bride doesn't like your excluded friend. Her gesture is not subtle and she can't possibly expect the rest of you not to notice, but there is nothing you can do. It is her party; she'll make a statement if she wants to.

As for not inviting your significant others, your friend, the bride, is on somewhat shakier ground. It is true that the spouses of friends must be invited to the proceedings, and generally, this extends to domestic partners, live-in significant others and other long-time partners who for whatever reason keep separate abodes. Clearly, the bride in this case has decided to invite only spouses of friends. What she is doing is unwise and rather ungenerous (especially if some of those couples are in relationships where marriage is not an option), but she, again, has made up her mind, and must live with the consequences.

All of this is to say that your friend is not adhering to the spirit of the etiquette guidelines, even if she is not doing anything that really violates them. But now that I've answered your questions, what are you going to do? Surely you don't intend to flaunt this information in your friend's face. That would do you no good at all. If you are truly offended by this invitation, and don't want to travel without your companion, you do have one course of action at your disposal that speaks louder than any protest: you can gently excuse yourself from these nuptials. If you choose to attend, you'll just have to accept your friend's behavior and know she is the type to wield etiquette as a sword, which is not really what someone with good manners should do. I'm sorry you're faced with having to make this kind of decision.

Good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:52 AM    <link>

HOW TO INTRODUCE

Dear Elise,
I'm not taking my fiance's last name and the officiant asked how we want to be announced as man and wife after the ring exchange. I don't want to say "Mr. and Mrs. ________," since technically I won't be "Mrs." with his last name. Can you tell me what people are doing in these situations? Just using first names maybe?

Thanks,

Same Name Bride

Dear Same Name,

Well of course, you can do whatever you'd like as far as announcements go. You can even skip the announcement entirely. If you do choose to go with the introduction, think about how you'd like to present yourself. A few options that preserve your last name immediately come to mind:

"May I introduce the newlyweds: Bride's Name and Groom's Name"

"Join me in congratulating Bride's Name and Groom's Name on their marriage"

"Here they are! Bride's Name and Groom's Name"

Remember, this is a formality, not a necessity, so if you want to make the announcement, think about the two pieces of information you want to convey: 1: you are married and 2: you are keeping your name. Once you see the essence of the message, you can write any kind of short declaration you like.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:39 AM    <link>

RECOVERING BRIDESMAID

Dear Elise,

I know this is mainly a forum for brides, but I have a dilemma as a former bridesmaid that I'd be grateful if you would consider.

Last summer I was a bridesmaid (one of 8) in the wedding of one of my friends from grad school. At the rehearsal and the wedding, I saw a side of my friend that I didn't want to see. I know it's a stressful day, but I've been in other weddings and have never seen anything remotely like this. My friend behaved terribly. I tried my best to be helpful, but stayed out of the line of fire.

I have not heard from her since the wedding, except for one mass email. In the year before her wedding, we had biweekly phone and email contact. I also didn't receive any acknowledgement of my wedding gift, and I received no responses to the email messages I sent after the wedding. I feel somewhat used, like I was an accessory in her fantasy. I need to take some responsibility; I agreed to be a bridesmaid, knowing she was invested in a big wedding with all the trimmings.

I will likely sit next to this woman the wedding reception of a mutual friend. I want to be gracious, but I feel awkward. I am curious - did she even get my gift? It's unlikely, but if she didn't, she might be harboring hard feelings toward me. Should I just let it go, or is there a delicate way to bring up the subject? Would email be more appropriate, perhaps after the wedding, a gentle "oh, by the way, I hope you got my gift"? I have no idea what etiquette requires of me in this situation except to avoid rudeness.

Thank you,

Burning Bridesmaid

Dear Burning,

Never suppose your letter wouldn't be helpful and interesting here. There are many brides who themselves were tormented bridesmaids and I can assure you that yours is not the first note to roll in from a bridesmaid who felt sorely used.

I could trot out the usual claptrap about how friends come and go in one's life, and I could even point you to your local bookstore where the essay collection about failed friendships between women, The Friend That Got Away, is rolling off the shelves. Ultimately, however, how you proceed depends on how much energy you have and whether or not it is worth exerting yourself on your friend.

Are you really curious to see if she received your present? If you are, then you can ask her about it. You wouldn't be breaching any code of conduct. Presents aren't Unmentionable. As for the timing and the mode of communication, I would wait until you find yourself seated together and grasping for topics of conversation. If you haven't spoken or written to each other in six months, a note from you out of the blue asking about the wedding present will seem more confrontational than a quick question posed casually at a lively (one hopes) reception.

I am sorry you had to experience the dark side of being a bridesmaid, and perhaps your letter will encourage others not only to behave gently towards their wedding attendants, and to acknowledge– in ink- the kindness of others.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:56 AM    <link>

DRINK CONFUSION

Dear Elise,

Is it better to serve canned or bottle of soda for 50 guests at private home, casual dress code only serving non-alcoholic drinks for my best friend's bridal shower?

Can you estimate how many bottles of soda or canned I will need?

Thanks,

Baffled over Beverages

Dear Baffled,

I am not a caterer, and would never presume to presume what the rules are for figuring out how much any given crowd will consume at a party. A quick call to a local caterer or should help you, but it is always good to err on the side of excess, since soft drinks are not too expensive and people do get thirsty.

As for your can vs. bottle question, I'm afraid the answer is neither. Ideally, you could pour drinks into glasses in the kitchen or serving area, thereby disguising the origins of the product. Some would even go so far as to decant the drinks into pitchers, just as one would serve biscuits arranged on a plate rather than plunking the box on a table.

Of course, it is your choice, and decanting soft drinks may have the negative result of making them go flat, but you can see that generally, one is encouraged to keep one's parties free of product placement.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:08 PM    <link>

ATTENDANT ACCOMMODATIONS

Hi Elise,

I just heard that it is customary for the bride to pay for the maid of honor's hotel if she is coming from out of town. Is this true? I already gave my maid of honor suggestions regarding accommodations and I hope she isn't offended that I didn't offer to pay. I'd invite her to stay with us but my broke future brother-in-law is already staying with us and we have a 2-year old, plus she's married. Any suggestions? Thanks.

- No Vacancies

Dear No Vacancies,
The bind you find yourself in is that the answer to your question is both "yes" and "no." Traditionally, it is considered the responsibility of the bride's side to assume the accommodation expenses for all the members of the bridal party (the groom's side historically pays for the groomsmen's hotel rooms). Alternatively, each side finds free lodging for the wedding attendants with local friends and family. The maid of honor is not alone in enjoying this favor.

This can be an expensive proposition, but one that must be handled fairly. If you offer to house or purchase lodging for one, you must make the gesture universally. If you can't afford to do this and can't put them all up with friends, you could try to arrange to get a discount rate at a block of hotel rooms, which would help offset the costs somewhat, while still being fair to the bunch.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:04 PM    <link>

MAYBE LATER

Dear Elise,

What is the appropriate language for a card to inform guests of the postponing the date of a wedding?

- Briefly

Dear Brief,

You must keep two things in mind when you send out notice of a postponement:

1. Everyone will want to know what happened.
2. You don't have to explain.

The most traditional language for this kind of card completely preserves the privacy of the wedding couple while getting the word out that plans have been changed:

"The date of the wedding of Bride to Groom has been changed from Original Date to New Date."

Feel free to play with the wording. This is really all you need to say to let people know what's up. If time is running too short to have cards printed up, you can always call your guests or send them personal notes.

Remember, people are bound to be nosy, but, as with sartorial decisions, one only need to reveal as much as one wants.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:35 PM    <link>

PRESENTS ON PARADE

Dear Elise:

I am getting married soon and have a question I have not seen before, when my mother was young and getting married, she had a trousseau table set up in her parents' home where shower and wedding gifts were displayed for anyone who wished to see them. My Mother is setting up a similar table in her home for our gifts. Is it still considered proper to display your gifts? I imagine some people will want to see them, but I don’t want it to seem pretentious or bragging to display my good fortune and the generosity of my guests.

Thanks,

On Display

Dear Display,

One need only glance at a few wedding movies from Hollywood's Golden Age demonstrate how long-standing the tradition of wedding present display is. There's a fancy spread in The Philadelphia Story, and in its musical remake, High Society, Celeste Holm and Frank Sinatra sing "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" while cavorting around the tables of wedding gifts. The original Father of the Bride has a more somber scene in which there is some question about where to place a curious timepiece: a Venus de Milo with a clock in her belly.

It isn't done as often in this (the 21st) century, but you can still display your wedding presents. It is entirely up to you whether you want to partake of this tradition or not. This is almost always done at home, which makes sense, because it would be quite the hassle to cart all your presents over to your reception site and risk losing or breaking them.

If you study Emily Post, you'll see that she has many recommendations about how presents should be displayed. Her suggestions include grouping items by quality (like value) and genre (silver, china, etc.) but cautions that you do mix things up a little bit, especially in duplicate situations (i.e.: one should avoid bunching all the candlesticks together into a little army). She even offers a way of displaying checks – fanned out so as to reveal only the signatures, not dollar amounts, and placed under glass. Frankly, this seems unwise and peculiar to me. If someone gives a gift of money, one does not need to show it off. There is little novelty there. But of course, La Post also cautions that you may want to have "a policeman or detective" on hand to guard your house if large numbers of valuables are on display.

The decision to display your presents is really up to you and your mother. It seems to me that it comes down to a question of how much extra work you want to make for yourselves. It is unlikely that anyone will be expecting to see a gift table, so if you forgo it you're safe, but if you decide to go for it, you're helping to perpetuate a dwindling tradition.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:23 PM    <link>

AIRFARE NOT INCLUDED

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a wedding in Las Vegas in October. We will probably pay for our mothers, his daughter and best people to attend. I want to know if there is an appropriate way to word the invitations so that people know they are welcome to come, but it's at their own expense. I'd also like to know far enough in advance so I know how many rooms to block to get the best price for everyone and how many people will be at a small dinner reception we plan to have in Las Vegas.

Thanks!

Vegas Bride

Dear Vegas,

The only elements that are absolutely required in any wedding invitation are four of the five "W's" that all journalists are supposed to answer in their articles:

Who
What
Where –and-
When
(The fifth "W" is "Why" and presumably anyone who would pose that question, would not be a prospective guest.)

At all weddings, not just destination nuptials, the bride and groom are not required to pay for their guests' transportation and accommodations. Often, hosts will try to reserve a block of rooms at a reduced rate in a local hotel, or they provide lists of area hotels for out-of-towners, but there should never be the expectation that the bride and groom must put everyone up.

Do not concern yourself with any special invitation wording. As long as you take care to answer the four questions posed above, your guests will know that you aren't paying for them. The few people you are going to pay for clearly fall under a "family and wedding party" exception if you have to explain this decision to anyone.

As for how much time you need to book a block of rooms, ask your hotel how far in advance you need to reserve, and then have your guests RSVP a week before that date. This should allow you plenty of time to hound them if they haven't gotten back to you. This date should work for the reception head count as well.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:04 AM    <link>

STEPSISTER IN THE MIDDLE

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I are pretty far along in our wedding planning and we're thrilled. There has been one catch to the entire process. My stepmother is not allowing my teenage stepsister to participate in pre-wedding socials such as my wedding shower, because she herself is not.

My stepsister is very "gung ho" and emails me daily about how she'd like to participate, but she is being restricted by her mother who - needless to say - has not been emailing me or expressing any desire to participate in my wedding. It's likely that my stepmom does not want to socialize before the wedding because it would be with people who are mainly in my mother's circle of friends and not her own. But how can she keep my sister down with an iron fist for her own seemingly childish feelings? My Mom has made sure to invite them both to all events and has heard nothing in response.

What can I say to my stepmom that will not drive her, and my stepsister further away from me?

Thanks!

~ Sisterless & Hating It

Dear Sisterless,

The ways of family are mysterious indeed. It is unclear why your stepmother is so reluctant to participate in your pre-wedding events even as a considerable effort had been made by you and your mother to rise above what sounds like considerable discomfort. She is, if nothing else, being peculiar in refusing even to respond to any of your mother's invitations.

Before your confusion and hurt turns into serious anger, consider talking to your stepmother about the invitations. Perhaps she is feeling uncomfortable and isn't sure whether of not your mother's invitations are sincere. This is a rather childish attitude to take, needless to say, but no one ever said adults don't retain certain infantile tendencies and display them long after it is amusing for them to do so. Have a word with your stepmother and let her know how much you would like her and your stepsister to join in your celebrations. Let her know how excited your stepsister is and how eager you are to include her in the festivities. She may not realize how much you value her daughter and how important it is for you to have her participate. If you sense that your stepmother's silence has origins that are more sour than innocent, you can always approach your father with the problem.

Sincere flattery is always an excellent gambit, and what could be more complimentary than telling your stepmother that you love and appreciate her daughter? Now, your stepmother may have weird reasons of her own for keeping her distance from your wedding. You can't do much about this, but while there is always the chance that your invitations will be rejected, this is one of those "nothing ventured nothing gained" situations that will benefit from a little backbone. If your stepmother continues to refuse you her daughter's company, know that you did your best and try to find other ways of showing your stepsister how much she means to you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:51 AM    <link>

LITTLE WEDDINGS, BIG FAMILIES & PARTY POLITICS
Double Header

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I both have large families. We want a small backyard wedding. Therefore, we're having two receptions, one in my fiance's hometown (where we live), and one in my parents' hometown. We're bending over backwards to have small, intimate, inexpensive parties. I am also prepared to limit the numbers of first cousins I invite, since I don't keep in touch with any of them.

Unfortunately, my dad's sisters (6 of them!) are throwing me a shower, and they plan to invite my first cousins from that side. I may invite some of those cousins, but certainly not all of them. It's not that I dislike any of them; we just don't keep in touch or have much in common. I know the rule is Don't Invite People to the Shower Who Won't Be Invited To the Wedding. I totally agree with the spirit of that rule.

But I'm not inviting people to the shower; my aunts are. This is 100% their party. I honestly don't care if I have a shower or not, but that doesn't let me off the hook, does it? Because I'm sure that the expectation is that All Family Will Be Invited, and it's not possible.

This is really the hardest part of the planning process. I feel so guilty not including everyone, but I am on a budget and have space constraints. I don't want to offend my aunts, who are so generous with their shower offer, but how do I reconcile that with reality?

- Family Schmamily

Dear Elise,

Hi, my fiance and I have been together for nearly four years. We just got engaged this past Christmas. I am still in college. He is ready to go ahead and tie the knot--he has a steady career and could support us until I get out of school.

The problem: he has two sisters who both had big weddings and he wants a big wedding. My parents have offered to give us some money with which we can elope and I'm all for it because no matter which way we do it, we'll have the same marriage license as anyone else. Now my aunt wants to throw me a bridal shower, I've been reading other articles and people say "it's tacky" to have a shower if you are not having a wedding. I have gathered from many people that when they receive a wedding invitation they feel obligated to attend the wedding whether or not they really want too.

My fiance and I are now disagreeing about whether or not to have a wedding. Do you have any advice on how we can compromise? He has a very LARGE family and I just hate to put my parents through the financial bind of having a wedding. Also, is it rude to have the shower--even if we put a note in the invitations that we have decided to elope if that is what we do? Thanks!

- I JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED

Dear Family and Just Want-

People's enthusiasm for shower throwing is boundless, and this is curious given how uncomfortable showers can be.

The general policy with showers is not to invite anyone you won't be inviting to your wedding. The reason for this (all together now) is that showers demand that guests bring presents (which even weddings don't do) and it seems too cynical to treat these guests as if they are worthy of giving you things but not worthwhile enough to be invited to the main event.

If your well-intentioned, excited relatives want to throw parties in your honor, but the whole notion of showers is making you nervous because of your reduced guest lists, all is not lost. You can explain your situation to your respective aunts and ask them to call these events "parties," not "showers." It may sound like I'm being picky about semantics, but I assure you that there are plenty of instances in life where everything turns on a word. If you truly want to avoid any discomfort, keep the party and skip the shower.

Now, Just Want, you want a wedding vs. elopement compromise, and there are a number of possibilities, but it really all depends on how much money and time you want to spend. The cheapest, quickest way to get hitched is to run to City Hall or elope. Beyond those options, you have a full range of parties to choose from. You can have anything from a luncheon reception, a back yard barbecue, a post-wedding dessert party, or a cocktail party reception to a full-blown three-course white tablecloth dinner affair. You can always opt for reasonably priced small-scale festivities, but it is really up to you. Talk to your fiance about these choices. If he really and truly wants a party with his family, perhaps one of these low-key options is the best way to go for all of you to get what you want.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:45 AM    <link>

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