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Saturday, July 30, 2005

CANCELED WEDDING & THE DRESS

Dear Elise,

The bride has canceled the wedding. As the groom's mother, I was contributing a set amount towards the wedding and hosting the rehearsal dinner. The bride would call for my charge card number as she incurred expenses and I paid for the wedding dress (which was a cocktail dress, not a traditional bridal dress) and shoes. Should the bride return the dress and shoes the way she would return other wedding gifts?

- Not Yet a Mother-In-Law

Dear Not Yet,

This is an uncomfortable situation to be sure, and I'll offer you my condolences, unless you are relieved that everything fell apart when it did- that is to say, before the fact.

Indeed, the general policy when it comes to presents and canceled weddings is that the booty all goes back, and this would apply to the bridal cocktail number and shoes you bought for the bride.

How you choose to approach this with your son's former fiancee is up to you, I have no idea what sort of terms you are on in the aftermath of the nuptial cancellation. If she puts up a fight about it, it may be preferable just to wash your hands of the matter and be glad the expenses, both tangible and emotional weren't higher, as they would have been had the wedding happened.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:43 PM    <link>

ENGAGEMENT ANNOUNCEMENTS & THE NEWSPAPER

Dear Elise,

I have been engaged for a couple of months and things are going pretty well. Both families received the news well and we are happy and already planning for our 2007 wedding. There is, however, one small problem nagging at our otherwise blissful existence.

Ever since we got engaged, my guy's mom has been pressuring us to put an engagement announcement in the paper. There are a couple of problems with this. One, it is too early. We would much prefer to time our announcement about 6 months before the wedding. Two, we don't have a suitable photo to include. A photographer friend of ours took a roll of film of us in happy engagement poses, but we live in a small area and have to send the film away. We have been putting it off, under the guise of being too busy. This would be fine if my future mom-in-law would stop bringing it up every time we speak. I've tried to gently put her off, and she has had the nerve to blame it on HER mother-in-law's constant nagging. Oh, the irony. I'm afraid if she knew we wanted to put off the announcement that she will start jumping to conclusions about the state of our relationship. How can I be tactful but firm?

Sincerely, At My Wit's End

Dear Wit's End,

This is not really a problem of engagement announcements, you realize. Yours is a problem of patience, or lack thereof, and there is really no cure for it. It is no trouble at all to put off publishing your engagement announcement, but this little tremor should alert you to your future mother-in-law's inclination to jump the gun- with the best intentions, of course.

It certainly does seem a little early to announce your engagement in the newspaper. From a practical standpoint alone, announcing your plans this early will only lead to incessant questions from people you don't know well and awkward moments when you try to compile a guest list and have trouble keeping the head count down because everyone has known everything for so long.

If your fiance's mother is more inclined to be quieted by an authority than any practical arguments, you should absolutely tell her that Peggy Post, writing in the tradition of her own mother-in-law (the inimitable Emily), suggests printing the announcement two or three months before the wedding date. The advantage of being able to refer to an authority is that your future mother-in-law will be less likely to draw any weird or random conclusions about the state of your relationship from your desire to sit on the news. In any case, many publications have their own rules about engagement announcements and some (the New York Times, for instance) only care once the deed is done and only publish wedding announcements.

As I said, there are plenty of good reasons to put off publishing news of your engagement 18 months in advance, but this sounds like just the beginning of your future mother-in-law's antics. Be firm about the decisions that are important to you, but be prepared to let her have her way with a thing or two. That will make her happy and somewhat less inclined to nag about everything.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:34 AM    <link>

THE EXISTENTIALISM OF THE GUEST LIST

Hi Elise,

I read your June 28th answer as to who should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. I'm still not clear as to boyfriends & girlfriends of teenagers coming from out of town being invited to the dinner. Also should readers & musicians & their boyfriends be included if they're coming from out of town? My son's fiancee wants to include them, plus the ring bearer, flower girl & their entire families, along with the minister's family of five. (He lives in the same city as the wedding he'll officiate) It's stressful enough that close to the big day. With all the extra people not directly involved with the ceremony, won't this turn the rehearsal into a fiasco? The head count for the dinner has risen to 40 already & we still have 5 months to go! How can this be a relaxing intimate dinner the night before the wedding? Wish me luck!

The Groom's Mom

Dear Groom's Mom,

Do not fear the fiasco. There is nothing you could do to the guest list that would cause your rehearsal dinner to fail.

Your question suggests that you want a hard line to take on whom you must invite to the festivities but there really are no strict rules. In the most limited and traditional of affairs, one need only invite: the immediate families of the bride and groom, bridesmaids and their significant others, groomsmen and their significant others, and the officiant and his/her spouse or companion. That is it.

But that might not suit you. Many people open up the party to include everyone who has made the trek in from out of town or decide to include all the relatives. These choices are fine as well. Any limits you set on the guest list are up to you to invent. I would only caution you to be absolutely consistent. If you invite, for instance, some of the groom's cousins, the bride's cousins must also be included on the guest list.

As for your specific questions, about the teenage boyfriends and girlfriend, the readers, musicians and ring bearer, flower girl and families, again, you set the rules. I should say that- especially with the teenagers- you could be as well off not inviting any of the teens at all if you don't intend to include their dates (if the dates are going to be traveling for the wedding), because it will be uncomfortable to abandon the underage significant others to fend for themselves for the evening.

What you are describing is a difference in rehearsal dinner philosophy. You seem inclined to do something more exclusive and small, while your son's fiance wants to be inclusive and entertain everyone who is traveling. Both impulses are legitimate. It is just a matter of choice and ability. If your concerns are strictly financial, you could forgo the dinner and have a cocktail party, which would permit you to invite more people for less money. If you already have a guest list of 40 people who must be at this dinner, perhaps you have already forgone the "intimate" affair and are looking at some other kind of celebration. No matter what you do, it will be lots of fun. It is all just a matter of rearranging your expectations and figuring out how you can make yourself comfortable. As long as you're consistent, anything goes.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:40 PM    <link>

BACHELOR PARTY AGITA

Dear Elise,

I have been worried ever since my fiance's best friend assured me that a dildo party (girls having sex with dildos and the boys assisting them) would be a tame approach for a bachelor party. I think my heart stopped right after he said those words, to be honest with you. What was worse was my fiance trying to convince me that I was wrong for saying that it would be inappropriate, and asking how could he step out on tradition or stand up for himself if they "surprised" him. I told him that it was cheating and I was considering going out for dinner and to the bars for my party. I laid down the law and said he can have one of these parties if he wants, but he won't be marrying me.

Now we will have having a pre-wedding party together. I still have a lot of hard feelings about all of this because he actually considered letting this happen. What if he gets "surprised" by friends? I don't think he has the self-esteem to stand up and say: "No this is disrespectful to my fiancee." What do I say to him? What do I suggest because when I do bring it up he says, "Chill out I already agreed to have it together"? Am I being too sensitive? Please help me out.

Thanks,
Crazy In Love?

Dear Crazy,

Not surprisingly, there is really quite little to be found in the annals of so-called "traditional" etiquette about bachelor parties. It is sort of charming to read Amy Vanderbilt's words about the "bachelor dinner" in which the rowdiest things got was during the traditional "toast to the bride" in which glasses of champagne are downed like shots. In wilder times, the toast was finished by snapping the stem of the glass, but by the time Vanderbilt described it, that practice had died down (by the way, Peggy Post writes about this, too). I know you are thinking that broken glass would be a welcome problem to the business your fiance's best friend helpfully described. Sadly, there is no pre-determined protocol for strippers as there is, say, for figuring out which fork to use when presented with an elaborate table setting.

So, here you are on the lawless frontier. It is not mine to have an opinion about bachelor party entertainment one way or the other, but I will say that such matters are so delicate that really a consensus between future bride and groom must be reached before someone pulls out all the stops, so to speak. You have already told your fiance just how strongly you feel about his not having a bachelor party, and while his style may be cramped, he has agreed to respect your wishes. There is not much more you can do. If your worries about a possible surprise party persist, and seem well-founded, ask your fiance if you or he could speak with his friend (the one who told you about the ways and wherefores of the "dildo party") and let him know that you are not kidding when you say that parties with sex acts are really and truly off limits.

If you persist in not trusting your fiance, or feeling he lacks strength to stand up to his friends, consider what about his behavior makes you doubt him. Perhaps you and he can come up with a plan of action that he can take to excuse himself if his friends were to surprise him. Knowing that he has a solution at hand might make you much more comfortable.

I’m sorry you're faced with this problem and that you worry your feelings won't be respected. The more calm you are about your wishes and the better prepared he is to politely extract himself from a bad situation, the better off you'll be.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:58 AM    <link>

WHERE TO WED

Elise:

I just got engaged. For a day or two we were elated, and now my intended and I are starting to see the glow wear off. The reason is that the all-important discussion of "where and when" has begun. We really want to get married in the state where we live. We love it here and intend to stay here for the rest of our lives, all of our friends live here, and we would hate to try to plan a wedding across the country given that we have very little time available to travel back and forth.

However, our families are located across the country - his on the West Coast and mine on the East Coast.

My family is aggressively suggesting that I should get married where I grew up. I have countered that my fiance and I wish to get married here, but my family say it is traditional for weddings to take place in the bride's hometown. My stepmother, in turn, wants to play "mother of the bride" and plan it FOR me back there. The discussion goes back and forth.

Help! I need advice for how to handle this situation. IS it traditional and proper for the bride to get married where she grew up - even if it isn't "home" to her?

I love my family so much. We've been through a lot together. I have been clear about where I want to be married and fully accept the consequences of my decision if all of my relatives can't attend. But I just want to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Signed,
Don't Want the Excitement to Wear Off So Fast

Dear Don't Want,
The reins of your wedding are threatening to slip from your grasp. Seize them back before someone else decides to nab them and keep in mind one of the basic truisms: there is no pleasing everyone all the time.

It is traditional for weddings to be held in the bride's hometown, but it is also traditional for the bride to be living in her hometown at the time of her wedding. This is far less usual in the 21 st century; families are scattered all over creation and airlines are constantly having price wars, so travel is both more necessary and more possible than it was when Emily Post's Blue Book was first published.

But "traditional" is not synonymous with "necessary." What do you want to do? It is important that you and your fiance decide because only then will you be able to talk productively with your families. Happily, they are loving and interested, but you will need to be delicate about them, and take care that no one feels left out.

To this end, getting married where you live may be the ideal compromise. You can have your nuptials in the place you call home, and both sets of parents will have to travel about the same distance, so everyone will be equally inconvenienced.

At the same time, it might be wise for you to negotiate ways both families can be involved. There are projects that can be done remotely, that will give everyone a feeling of being included. You may want to involve your mother in picking your dress, for instance, and your future mother-in-law could help with the invitations or planning a rehearsal dinner or whatever other task you wouldn't mind sharing. Fortunately, weddings can be so full of little projects and decisions that you should be able to provide plenty of opportunities for collaboration.
Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:08 AM    <link>

HOW TO DECLINE

Dear Elise,

Could you please let me know what the proper language would be to decline your attendance at a wedding? The reply card says, "The favour of a reply is requested before the eighteenth of August." Should I reply in the space provided? Thanks very much!

- Not Going

Dear Not Going,

Your question produces a paradox in the universe of traditional etiquette. The standard reply to an invitation- whether affirmative or negative- would appear in the form of a handwritten note. Now that response cards are the norm, and people tend to expect little more than a check mark, name or number in the blank space beside the words "will" or "will not" attend, these formalities have gone by the by... to some extent.

That said, it would never be considered impolite to write a little note either instead of a response card or enclosed with it. The standard, extremely formal language for declining a wedding invitation looks like this:

Your Name (or names)
regrets that s/he (or they) will be unable to accept
Wedding Host(s) Name(s)'s
kind invitation for
wedding date

Now, of course you may write a more personal note, but the advantage to the standard language is that it does spares you having to make any excuse or sounding even the tiniest bit defensive about your inability to attend. How much you choose to explain is up to you, and of course you can always choose to include your best wishes and congratulations.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:50 AM    <link>

JUST SAY NO TO EXTRA GUESTS

Dearest Elise --

What is the proper course of action in the following situations?

1- My parents' friends RSVP'd for their two teenage children who were not listed on the invitation.

2- My father's out of town cousin RSVP'd for himself, his wife, and his 8 year-old daughter. The daughter was not listed on the invitation. We are providing childcare, though apparently this hasn't yet been conveyed to my parents' side of the guest list as completely as I would have hoped.

My fiance's side of the guest list knows about and is respecting the fact that children were not listed on the invitation (with the exception of the wedding party).

Seating is limited at the ceremony venue.

My parents are reluctant to ask the folks who RSVP'd for extras to leave their children behind. I'm reluctant to make exceptions when my fiance's family is being so respectful (in other words, I don't want to hurt their feelings for respecting our wishes).

Both sets of parents were informed of the "no kids" decision. Both sets of parents are sharing the cost of the wedding.

Thanks a million.

-Frustrated in Philly

Dear Frustrated,

Hidden in your question are the seeds of a solution, but I'm afraid there is no way to completely eliminate any awkwardness you may feel carrying it out.

Consistency is key in matters of etiquette, and in keeping the peace. It shows you have an even hand, aren't playing favorites and are being fair and respectful of everyone's circumstances. At this point, you can lay it on the line with your parents and explain to them that it makes you and your fiance look terrible if you favor some guests over others.

You don't need to protest excessively. Sure, you have a seating issue, but that isn't really the point. At bottom, you, your fiance and both sets of parents agreed to a guest list that excluded all children except those in the wedding party. All of the other guests have made arrangements for their kids, and to include these three will create quite a bit of discomfort for you. Explain how you want to avoid favoritism.

It is always awkward, explaining to guests that you can't accommodate their children, but here you can tell them that you do have limited seating in your venue and you can't include any children in the invitation. For the guest with the 8 year-old, you can repeat your babysitter offer, but be firm. Your guests will protest that one little body shouldn't make a different to you, but you'll just have to stick to your guns and say that you need to respect your other guests who also had to make plans for their kids.

These things are always hard to say, but remember that you never invited the children in the first place, and you aren't excluding them because you dislike them, but because you need to be fair to everyone you're inviting.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:38 PM    <link>

KNOWING YOUR LIMITATIONS

Hi Elise,

Our wedding location (like many) has a limited seating capacity. There are a number of single friends and peer-aged family members on our invitation list. Is it rude to invite our single friends to come alone, without offering the "and guest" option? All invitations I've seen or received have that space for "number attending" – this will be helpful for our married friends/family, and people with kids who may or may not be able to make it. But does this also encourage single folk - or people who may meet a significant other between now and our wedding - to bring a friend? We're already paring down our original list to meet the limit, so ideally we wouldn't leave some seats available, "just in case."

What do you think?
Sincerely,

- Too Exclusive?

Dear Too Exclusive,

You are squinting hard at details, as one is wont to do in these litigious times, but you don't need to worry that you are doing anything odd by limiting your guest list by not having an "and guest" option. This is extremely common.

Traditionally, invitations are clearly addressed to the people one intends to invite, and if you omit the "and guest" indicator, you've gone a long way to discouraging your friends and family from finding dates.

The response cards you describe can be misleading, however, and you might consider not using that format. Here is some alternative response card language that doesn't let people write in a number on their cards:

M________________
accepts__________
regrets__________

The favor of your reply is requested by RSVP DATE.

You may still find yourselves having to call up some people who decide that your invitation entitles them to "plus ones," but please don't think you're doing anything weird or abnormal.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:50 AM    <link>

WHEN TO SEND

Dear Elise,

Everything I've read says that you are supposed to send out the wedding invitations eight weeks before the event. But over half the guests on our lists live out of town. We have to opportunity to get rooms for guests at half off the regular price, but we need to let the hotel know far in advance.

Is there a reason folks don't send out the invites earlier? It seems silly and expensive to send out save the date cards and invites. Or do we start getting word of mouth RSVPs? I'd love any ideas on how to handle this.

Thanks!

RSVP-Ready

Dear Ready,

Invitations have very short life spans, which is the most practical reason why it is recommended that you not send them out too early. People will receive them and then after a couple of weeks will forget about them and you will find yourself stewing while waiting for RSVPs and eventually having to call everyone.

The general recommendation I give for how to time invitation mailings is to talk to your caterer and see how far in advance of the wedding date he or she needs to have a head count (this is usually two or three weeks), then I would tack on a few weeks, and that usually comes out to be six to eight weeks before the nuptials.

Even though you have a specific reason for wanting to get the word out early, you don't need to make your invitations do double duty. You can send a save the date postcard (a mere $.23 per stamp) or you can call or email the out-of-towners and let them know about the hotel rates.

It is less the case that anyone will be insulted by a premature invitation mailing and more that you will not get the intended result. People will take your lovely invitations, scribble down your wedding date somewhere and forget about everything else until the last minute. With pressing issues, ask everyone directly. That way no one can say he or she didn't see the fine print.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:46 AM    <link>

FRIENDSHIP & the RSVP

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are moving out of state before our wedding, and my mother is throwing us an engagement party. This was decided somewhat hastily, and invites went out only 5 weeks before. We also sent Evites to guests with email addresses in order to get the word out fast. The RSVP deadline came and went, and of course there are some who haven't answered yes or no, although Evite.com shows that they have viewed the emailed invitation.

I have emailed and/or called a few friends whom I really would like to see there, but I don't know if I should. Also I am afraid that some people think they have to bring a gift, so I want to tell them not to worry about it, especially after a few coworkers told me that in their culture guests traditionally bring gifts, usually cash. I've told those who've asked that we aren't registered and only their presence is required. But deep down I also think that if bringing a gift is such a problem, maybe these particular guests aren't really our (my) friends?

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

I am not entirely sure where your conflict lies. If you are worried about the propriety of calling down your silent friends and prying a response out of them, fear not. The Reluctant RSVP Round-Up is a rite of passage for party-throwers around the world. There are all sorts of possible reasons why potential guests can't bring themselves to reply to invitations, none of which are flattering to anyone.

As for the present and cash gift concerns, you also don't have to worry. If people want to give you presents of any sort, they are entitled, and all you have to do is be gracious and write a thank you note. You aren't forcing them, and it is unlikely your potential guests are being flakey because of the question of presents.

You've done nothing wrong and I hope your friends and relatives have managed to get it together to respond to your invitation.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:55 PM    <link>

WHAT DO MOTHERS WANT?

Dear Elise,

I was raised to be a good feminist, and I think I am. I'm in my mid-thirties and I'm getting married for the first time. As many women in my age range know, this is not a decision to come by easily. My parents were all married and divorced multiple times, so until I decided to do it myself, I'd never been a fan of the idea.

My mother is quite bitter about her failed marriages, and as a result is quick with the negative comments about my impending nuptials. In order to decrease the stress for myself and as per her request, I have involved her as little as possible. She will be a guest at the wedding and that's about it.

I strongly suspect that, on the day, she will wish she had been more involved. She will see lots of family - we're all quite distant in every way- and will be fielding all sorts of happy comments about the wedding. Is there any way I can include her, at least in the prep, without her knowing? Or am I worrying (still) about pleasing my unpleasable mother?

Thanks.

Concerned Daughter

Dear CD,

Trying to get someone involved in a long-term project without him (or her) knowing about it is more the stuff of government work than wedding planning. I can't really imagine how you'd make this work, especially since you say that your mother has asked not to be involved and can even be unpleasant about the details of your wedding. Your problem isn't with feminism, I'm afraid; it's with your mother.

It is kind of you to believe that she may regret her distance, so perhaps you could create a situation in which she is involved for a moment at your wedding itself, where you can show her that her presence is important to you. You could ask if she would sign your marriage certificate as your witness or choose a similarly significant but impromptu gesture that would allow her to be involved without elaborate ceremony or preparations, and keep her distance while giving her an emotional link to the proceedings.

Sometimes it is impossible to win. Keep this in mind. Your mother may not be able to see beyond her own disappointments to enjoy your happiness. While that would be a shame, there is nothing you can do about it. Enjoy yourself, tell your mother you care about her and know that you've done your best by her.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:22 PM    <link>

BAD BLOOD

Dear Elise,

I recently got engaged, and I am sensing that I am going to have problems with my in-laws.

When we announced our engagement to my fiance's family they (his mother and his married older sister) had no reaction -no, congratulations, nothing! They just sat there. I felt like telling them off and leaving the restaurant. Throughout out entire relationship they have treated me like garbage. I am in professional school, come from a very respected, wealthy family, and he comes from a very middle class family, he is also older than I am. I have tried treating them with respect, but they just ignore me and treat me like I don't exist. I am concerned about the future of this union. When they didn't want to congratulate me, I wanted to end the relationship in the fear of future problems and them wanting to break up the marriage. What should I do? Should I continue to ignore them as well?? Should I confront them? I don't even want to invite them to the wedding. I have spoken to my fiance and he agrees with me on their rude behavior, but he says that he can't control their actions. PLEASE HELP!!!!

Confused

Dear Confused,

I'm sorry you're faced with such sad sack future in-laws. Understand that etiquette will only get you so far with these folks. As is so often the case with family, you're on much rockier ground where there are few rules, only a constantly shifting playing field.

The key to dealing with your fiance's mother and sister, should you remain engaged to him, is to treat them with gentle, polite distance. There is absolutely no telling what is bugging your fiance's relatives and it may be for the best that you don't know what their lament is. That would only make you more defensive and resentful and would serve no purpose. Give them no ammunition and expect nothing from them. Imagine yourself a block of wood with an impervious smile.

As for your relationship, only you can decide what to do. One of the great laments of childhood is that parents and siblings are humiliating, and perhaps your fiance feels that rather than a phase, this is the state of things. If you and he can present a united front to his dragon lady relatives, you are in pretty good shape. They may not love you, but they can get used to you, and perhaps as time goes on and they see how happy your fiance is being with you, they'll come around.

If I were to get all Pollyanna on you, I'd say that you have a small advantage in knowing what you're up against. Your future mother- and sister-in-law can't possibly disappoint you. It's a drag, but now you can feel comfortable keeping them at arm's length. Let your fiance be your champion as well as your go-between. He's right that he can't control them, but he can show them that you're going to be his wife and they're going to have to treat you as such.

Good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:26 PM    <link>

THE PERILS OF A SHY BRIDE

Hi Elise--

I do not like being the center of attention. I'm very shy and occasionally have panic attacks. I am a teacher and doctoral student, so most people (including my family and future in laws) have the impression that I am comfortable in social situations. For me, though, the professional is very different from the personal.

As you can imagine, this is presenting a problem in planning my wedding. It is very important to my family and his family that there be some kind of ceremony and reception and they feel that I am "just being difficult" or just have regular wedding jitters so they are inclined to be dismissive of my concerns saying that if I don't have a wedding I will regret it one day after I get over this "phase." My fiance understands my anxiety and is willing to go along with whatever will make me comfortable, but I know he really wants a conventional wedding and lively reception. I understand that in some ways weddings are for family members as much as for the bride and groom. But all of these dreams and traditions seem to involve all eyes being on the bride.

I want to respect our families' desires (and, mainly, my fiance's), but I have no idea what to do. I truly don't think I could handle traditional bride stuff while maintaining at least a veneer of sanity and social grace. Plus, it would be pretty cool to at least have some hope of enjoying my wedding. What is the etiquette for this? Any advice as to what I could do here?

- Not Just Wedding Anxiety, I Swear.

Dear Not Just,

The long arm of etiquette won't erase your social anxiety, but it can give you a sense of control. Deciding not to have a big wedding- or a wedding at all- is not rude, however, you don't want to disappoint your family, your future in-laws and, of course, your fiance, so you are justifiably torn.

Weddings appear to be all about the bride because so many traditions point to her. You are entitled to throw them all out the window. The only required elements are: an officiant of some sort, a marriage certificate, witnesses, and the person you want to marry. Once you have those things, the rest is a matter of you being very clear about the kind of event you want, and the more you take control of your plans the more comfortable you may be with your wedding.

Try to imagine what bothers you most and see if there are ways to negotiate something more acceptable. You don't have to sign on for any activities or traditions that single you out if you don't want to do them. Is the thought of walking down an aisle problematic for you? You don't have to do it. Does the idea of a white dress, shining like a beacon, make you sweat? Pick another color. You don't need to have a "first dance," or bridesmaids attending to you. The whole event can be as low-key as you like if you make your wishes known.

Should you decide to have a wedding, and it does sound as if you're so inclined, try not to broadcast your anxieties to loudly to your parents or future in-laws. If you seem too agitated, they may decide to take matters into their own hands, as a favor to you, and that could leave you feeling acted-upon, on display, and unhappy. If you set the rules, you may find that you're not as tormented at the prospect of your nuptials as you fear you might be.

Good luck. I’m sorry such a happy occasion brings up such anxiety, but should you choose to accept this mission, you should be able to negotiate a compromise that eases your nerves.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:39 AM    <link>

BOTHERSOME BRIDE OF THE BROTHER

Dear Elise,

I am considering boycotting my older brother’s wedding. His fiancee is a miserable person. Our family cannot get along with her and we have tried very hard to be welcoming. She has been very disrespectful to all of us. My parents have been so generous, offering to pay for their wedding and helped them buy a house.

At one point she told off my parents, because they aren't going along with her extravagant wedding plans, which included fireworks and a lavish wedding gown (she has no money of her own to contribute). She has even gotten her mom involved so now our families are feuding.

My parents are no longer speaking to his fiancee, and they want nothing to do with either of them. They are no longer paying a cent for the wedding and I am not sure if they will even attend the wedding.

His fiancee has no friends at all, and her own brother, sister in law and niece are not attending the wedding because they don’t like her either. Naturally, my brother has sided with his fiancee.

I don't want to hurt my brother by not attending his wedding, but at the same time I feel like he has betrayed our family by choosing to be with someone who has no respect for us and who treats us horribly. I have always had so much respect for him because he is my older brother and he has been there for me all my life so it doesn't feel right to boycott his wedding, but I can't even be in the same room with her. Is it reasonable that I don't show up at their wedding? Or do I put all else aside and be there to support my brother in whatever he chooses to do even though I strongly oppose it.

Thanks for your advice

- Struggling Sister

Dear Struggling,

As a rule, I don't much care for those lists of "plusses" and "minuses" that "effective living" gurus always advise one make as a way to come to a hard decision. One would generally have just as much luck consulting a Magic 8 Ball. Having said that, you may try thinking about your decision in more mercenary terms. What are the positive and negative results that would come from attending your brother's wedding or skipping it?

Since you would not be a regular guest, your absence would be taken as a strong negative statement. Taking such a political stance will probably distance you more from your brother and make it harder for you to find an easy place in his life.

If his wife truly is this big a disaster, you may find he needs your support in the months and years to come. If you at least attend his wedding, keeping a respectful distance and refusing to get embroiled in any drama the bride threatens to cook up, your brother will understand that you care about him and may feel more comfortable coming to you if the ceiling of his life falls in. On the other hand, you may find that you are so fed up with your brother and his fiancee that you can't be civil, even at a distance. If you truly feel that you may do more harm than good by attending, then you may want to sit that one out. This seems rather extreme, however, and not attending may create much more drama in the long run for you than putting in an appearance.

In general, a wedding is not the place for guests to make Grand Statements, either by their presence or their absence. The easiest way to deal with an event such as yours is to approach it clinically, and plan to limit the repercussions. If you go to the wedding, keep your distance, resist any attempts to be dragged into controversy and leave at the earliest opportunity. No one can complain and you come out on the side of the angels.

I'm sorry you're faced with an unhappy decision, but the choice is really all yours.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:18 AM    <link>

POP QUIZ

Dear Elise,

Does the Bride walk down the aisle at rehearsal?

Is it true that the Maid of Honor should be single and childless?

What is the starting age for a Maid of Honor?

Does the Bride need an escort, or does she have to be given away in marriage?

- Proper Procedure

Dear Proper,

In the 21st century, people seem to care less and less about strict tradition. This can be a pity when it comes to certain niceties. I am thinking here of many things, for instance people once tried to refrain from making personal remarks and asking intimate questions of strangers.

Weddings were once riddled with superstition. Bridesmaids are rumored to have been invented to dazzle and confuse wicked spirits, preventing them from kidnapping the bride. The groom isn't supposed to see his bride's wedding dress for fear of Something Terrible Happening... And mired deep in the well of wedding folklore is the notion that it is bad luck for the bride to rehearse her walk down the aisle.

The bride can do whatever she wants. Many would suggest that refraining from practicing for an event that will be filled with emotion and expectations of perfection is itself asking for trouble. Others may forego the rehearsal entirely. In this case, tradition is less of an issue than comfort, and if the bride is having a ceremony rehearsal at all, she may be best off making the big walk, just to see how she feels.

Your second question is one of semantics. A "maid" is, by definition, an unmarried woman and a virgin. So in the most excruciatingly literal sense of the word, a "maid of honor" would have to be single, a virgin (though in the annals of bad manners, inquiring about someone's sexual experience is much worse than misusing the term "maid") and child-free (in contemporary parlance). For this reason, you can have a "matron of honor" who can be married and have a child, and no one will be able to quibble.

There is no minimum age for maids or matrons of honor, thank goodness- otherwise everyone would tie themselves into pretzel knots trying to find people who qualify. A better gauge of who is right for the job is to first consider what sorts of responsibilities you want to person to have. Should the person organize parties and be a constant support? If so, perhaps selecting someone with a busy travel schedule or insane work hours or lots of children would be unwise. If all you want is someone to listen to your crazy family stories and remind you that insanity isn't necessarily hereditary, then you have more options. One of the biggest conflicts for brides and maids of honor comes from each not being clear about what sort of role the attendant should be fulfilling.

As far as the necessity of aisle escorts go, keep in mind that many brides and grooms forego the aisle entirely. This is an element that is only necessary and important if members of the wedding decide it is. A bride can have anyone- male or female- do the honors. She can she can walk up to the officiant solo, or she can let her dog march her towards her vows.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:03 PM    <link>

TROUBLED GUEST

Hello Elise,

I have a question regarding my bridal shower. What is the etiquette around inviting someone to a shower whose child is ill (he was diagnosed with cancer several months ago)? Is it inappropriate to invite someone, who is going through a difficult situation, to a party? What are the "rules" surrounding such issues?

Thanks!

Careful

Dear Careful,

Perhaps it sounds oxymoronic to say, but it is possible for delicacy to go too far. Deciding not to invite someone to a party because she has a sick child is perhaps excessive. An invitation is a compliment; whether one accepts is another story entirely, but never feel that you are doing someone a disservice by asking him or her to a celebration.

Your friend's child is ill, and that is a terrible thing, but excluding her won't change her situation. If she can't attend she will know how to decline, but that should be her decision. All you have to figure is whether you would welcome the pleasure of her company at your shower. Regardless of her ability to actually be present for your celebration, she will probably find it reassuring tot be invited out into the world to an event that is unrelated to her private problems.

As a general matter, I realize there are circumstances in which people feel they were invited to weddings and showers strictly for the presents, and even if that is the case I have two responses:

1. You don't have to go.

2. Even if you were invited because it is supposed that the excellence of your presents far exceeds your personal charms or friendship, you are being offered a compliment, and you still don't have to go.

So much goes into creating guest lists that one forgets one can approach them with a kind of purity and invite those you like and those you must, and not bother having to take into consideration the emotional state of your friends. That is, as they say, for them to deal with.

You are most considerate to consider your friend's problems, but don't worry about giving offense.

Congratulations,


Elise

posted by Elise at 10:02 AM    <link>

EXPRESS YOURSELF

Dear Elise,

I am a 38-year-old bride-to-be who is stressing about whether or not to have a shower. I feel that an all-female gathering without insulting games would be a fine time. However, I have a certain fear that if I don't act now, there won't be a shower. My wedding is in September. I chose a colleague from a former job as my honor attendant. However, she has always struggled with organization and recently adopted a small child. She has never stated that she didn't have time for the honor attendant duties, but when I talk to her about plans for the shower, she doesn't make any suggestions or supply any ideas. She just always says: "I'll do whatever you want."

I don't want to sound like an ingrate. I was not one of those little girls who sat around fantasizing about my "special day" and the ultimate coordinating dresses, cake and reception hall. Until I met my fiance, I had accepted the fact that I'd probably never get married. Therefore, when wracked with indecision about an event that I spent little to no time visualizing, having an honor attendant constantly repeat "I'll do whatever you want" at me provides little to no help. I feel as if I have no support, and am not sure how to ask for more. Is it passive-aggressive of me to expect others to come through for me on this occasion without my direction?

It has occurred to me that there are one or two people that I know who might get on board with the planning of a shower if they were asked. Is it rude for me to email my honor attendant with their names and phone numbers so she can delegate duties? Past showers that I've attended (I am a veteran bridesmaid of 8 or so weddings) appeared to have little involvement from the bride. I certainly don't want anyone to think I'm trying to run things, yet otherwise it looks as if nothing will get done if I don't provide some impetus.

Thanks,

Confused About The Whole Deal

Dear Confused,

I'm confused as well. Your letter doesn't really say whether or not you actually want to have a shower, but not only do I suspect you probably do want one, you also have at least a few opinions (no offensive games) as to what sort of affair you would want this to be.

There is a good chance your honor attendant doesn't know what to do because you haven't told her, and because you've never had nuptial fantasies and dreams of tulle, she doesn't know what to do for you and probably doesn't want to step on your toes.

In many cases, maids of honor do take charge of the whole party; create a surprise event replete with games and presents. Others prefer to err on the side of caution and take the bride's wishes into consideration. Neither approach is better, since all they do is reflect the personalities of the people involved.

If you do want a shower, give your maid of honor a sense of what you'd like to do. You don't have to plan everything out or do any work- just let her know generally what you'd like and let her take it from there.

Both of you seem to be waiting for the other to make the first move. Neither of you is a mind reader, so give your friend a call, and have a good time.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:36 AM    <link>

LIMITING KIDS REDUX REDUX

Dear Elise,

I am happy to have kids running around and making merry at my wedding and reception. I have lots of cousins ranging in age from 5-18, and want them all to be there. In addition, there are several members of the wedding party who have young children that we love very much, and want to include. However, there are some remaining guests who have children whom we have never even met. They are old enough that it will cost full price to feed them, and so we don't want to invite them.

Is it okay to invite kids who are "family or related to the wedding party" only? This, in truth, only excludes 4 or 5 children from two families. Is it more awkward that there are so few of them that we want to exclude? Is it worth it to talk to these two sets of parents and see how they feel about it? It wouldn't be a big deal except we are on a very tight budget and already have to exclude friends of ours that we would ideally have invited.

Thanks for your help,

Money-Strapped Kid-Lover


Dear M-S K-L,

Savor the pleasure of being in the perfect position. The stars align infrequently.

The easiest way to exclude some children is to do exactly what you propose: invite only the children of relatives or the children in the wedding party. (Yes, you can combine these two rules as well.) This is a legitimate decision, and I wouldn't worry too much about making a rule that only excludes a handful of kids. Your guests will probably not be familiar with the exact number of children you have actually managed to leave out as a result of your decision.

Truly, you can do what you want here without having to twist into knots or explain yourselves over and over again. Whether you invite them all or exclude some is completely up to you. I hope all of your wedding decisions leave you with so little conflict.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:27 AM    <link>

MORE ADDRESSING

Dear Elise,

This is a simple question, but I've been getting mixed answers about it. We're sending our guests brochures for our wedding next year with hotel and travel information -- basically a Save the Date. We've included a personal message, and I figured since they are not very formal, it would be more appropriate to address them informally, with just people's first and last names. I figure the invitations themselves will be a bit more formal and special, so I will address them using the standard Mr., Mrs., Ms. Would this be fine? Do I have to be consistent?

Thanks!

Ready to Write

Dear Ready,

You're getting conflicting reports, no doubt, because Save the Date cards are a rather new bit of wedding stationery.

The traditional approach to all wedding correspondence is to keep it as consistent and formal and handwritten as possible. This may seem awkward to you, so you can of course decide to take a less formal approach. You may also decide to address envelopes different ways for different people. Some of your more formidable relatives may prefer the formal approach, while your old friend who helped you get chewing gum out of your hair with the aid of peanut butter may think such formality is weird. Only you know your customers. The safest route to take is always the most formal, but no one will arrest you should you decide to wander off the path occasionally.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:01 PM    <link>

BRIDAL PARTY TURF WARS

Dear Elise,

I am a bridesmaid in my beloved sister-in-law's wedding and I feel that something may be brewing between her maid of honor and me.

My sister-in-law asked her fiance's sister, with whom she is also close, to be her maid of honor. I think this was a good choice, since I do not live in the same state as my sister-in-law. I love my sister-in-law, and I love helping her with wedding stuff. Her maid of honor does not seem to be stepping up, which I know bothers my sister-in-law. I've been helping with invites, chatting with her on the phone when she's freaking out and I'm now traveling to throw her a shower.

I'm worried that the maid of honor might feel slighted by everything I am doing with the bride. I have tried to include her and the other bridesmaids in the shower plans, and I know that she does not have the time or money to throw a shower. Still, I'm getting a weird vibe. I am perfectly happy not being the maid of honor, but I'm a little worried that things will be tense between me and the maid of honor (not to mention her mom, my sister-in-law's future mother-in-law) at the shower. I don't think that it makes sense for me to stop helping, but do you have any ideas about how to diffuse this possible awkwardness?

- Helpful Sis

Dear Helpful Sis,

I suspect you feel weird because your situation is a little weird. Brides create their wedding parties with utopian visions- the most happy and delirious of which is that everyone will become fast friends and blissfully work together. Unfortunately, weddings can provoke rather unsavory tendencies: jealousy, pettiness, bossiness, fussiness, selfishness, all of which can blind participants to the matter at hand. Don't worry. While most utopias fail or are at least forced to compromise their visions, their goals are admirable.

So you have stepped in to pinch-hit for your sister-in-law's maid of honor and are afraid she will feel usurped. I won't lie to you and say she won't, but you and your sister-in-law can take steps to gracefully include her while not making her feel guilty for being incapable of taking charge of things. Keep in mind that the maid of honor duties are traditional, but not necessary. Whether the maid of honor plans the shower or a whole committee of bridesmaids doesn't matter. (It doesn't really matter that the shower happen at all, truth be told.) These titles and duties are fluid. For your part, talk to the maid of honor and keep her informed of the plans, just as you have been doing. It would only exacerbate your discomfort and hers by not including her. Your sister-in-law, to the extent that she is concerned about this dynamic, could open herself up to her maid of honor a little bit and perhaps give her a job that only she can have. One tradition that the bride could draw on is to have her maid of honor be her marriage certificate witness. This is an honor that requires no planning or preparation.

Beyond this, there is nothing you can do but be polite and open, and try not to let the maid of honor's discomfort get in your way.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:07 AM    <link>

SPREADING THE WORD

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I both come from really large families and it will be impossible to invite everyone to our wedding; we just will not be able to afford it. We want to send engagement announcements with a picture of the two of us to share the news with everyone on both sides, but we don't want to leave the impression that an invitation will necessarily follow. We are worried that if we send the engagement announcements only to the people we plan to invite, the other relatives will hear about it and wonder why we didn't send one to them. What's the proper way to do this?

Thanks for your help.

- Small Budget/Big Family

Dear SB/BF

While the engagement PARTY is a longstanding tradition, and it is common in some areas to have engagement announcements published in some newspapers, one is never encouraged to send printed announcements of an engagement. This is not just a quirk of "olden times." Peggy Post cautions rather severely against this: "It is not in good taste to send engraved or printed announcements." One imagines this is because such a thing could be easily mistaken for a wedding invitation (as you fear it might be).

There is, however, a standard piece of wedding stationery that can handle your desire to let your extended families know what you've been up to (note the past tense) and that is the wedding announcement. These can be mailed out immediately after the nuptials, or as soon as is convenient. This will spare you any painful misunderstandings, which you absolutely do not want to deal with.

As for getting the word out, if your families are at all the norm, all you have to do is tell your immediate relatives and let the grapevine pick it up, as it inevitably will.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:38 AM    <link>

THE PRICE OF FRIENDSHIP

Dear Elise,

I have a good friend who is planning on getting married next year. She's someone I value very much, but I don't feel comfortable enough with her to confide my biggest fears or insecurities.

So she and her fiance want a beach wedding in St. John next spring. They're inviting about 10 couples, including my boyfriend and me. The cost: approximately $2K per person for airfare, accommodation, food, and drink. My boyfriend, who doesn't know them well, has already said he won't go. $2000 is about 3 years worth of my travel budget, and I would much rather take trips to Europe with my boyfriend than sit on the beach drinking frou-frou drinks by myself.

My friend is already hinting at being offended if I don't go. She plans on having a celebration party at home after the wedding. Am I a horrible person? I'd be the first one to toast them when they return. I could find the money somehow if I had to, but the money isn't the only issue - expecting a friend to spend $2000 to see you wed just seems a little selfish and that's what I'm having issues with.

Please advise! Thank you!

- Staying Put

Dear Staying,

There is an unwritten rule of the destination wedding and it applies to the wedding couple and to guests alike: No one should be offended.

Guests should not be offended for being invited. Nothing will compel them to go, but it was nice to be asked. The wedding couple, likewise, should not be offended if some guests can't attend. It doesn't matter whether they can't afford the trip or are unable to get time off work, or can't secure a babysitter or are afraid of daiquiris. No one gets to make anyone feel bad about going away or staying home.

If your friend has threatened to take offense, nip her whining in the bud. All you have to do is say that it sounds wonderful and you will love to hear about it but that you can't afford to go. There is no shame in being honest about it. For your part, try not to be irritated about what you perceive as your friend's excesses. People should appreciate the Grand Gesture even if they aren't inclined to participate in it. If you show interest and relax your defenses, you won't have a thing to worry about. And if your friend does decide to be hurt by your absence, then be prepared to alter the terms of your friendship. You will have done your part.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:23 AM    <link>

LONDON

I wanted to take a quick pause from Etiquette to express my concerns for London and its citizens. As with other horrible circumstances, there is little one can talk about from such a distance, with such conflicting reports. I hope for the best, fear the worst and offer my support and concern to everyone in a city I love.

posted by Elise at 9:59 AM    <link>

ACCOMMODATION BARTER

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are trying to arrange some affordable accommodations for the less well to do among our wedding guests. These are all young people who live in other cities, and, for most of them, it will be a big deal just getting to the wedding, much less paying for hotel rooms. We have looked into renting a large cabin for the weekend, with the idea that we would also use the grounds for our very low-key, picnic-style rehearsal dinner. Of course, anyone staying at the cabin would also be invited to the rehearsal dinner.

I’m wondering: would it be rude to ask these friends to help us set up and break down the rehearsal dinner as their gift to us? It would be very much appreciated by us, but I don’t wish to make anyone feel that they must work for their lodgings.

Also, can we ask them to chip in for the costs of the cabin? Not a lot (we’re not looking to make a profit here, or even break even), but for a $200/night cabin – perhaps $75 for the entire weekend (three nights)? I certainly don’t want anyone feeling overtaxed monetarily, but we are on a rather tight budget ourselves.

Is it too much to ask both?

Please advise!

A Friend in Need

Dear Friend,

How right you are to take accommodation woes into account. Generally, the wedding couple offers suggestions in a variety of price ranges and then lets the guests decide for themselves how much luxury they can afford.

Now, the cabin. Since it is standard practice for guests to pay for their own accommodations, you are not at all out of line if you ask them to reimburse you, or if you ask them to pay the rental office directly. You are doing a fair amount for your guests by doing the work of finding them affordable lodging, and this may be easier than having them help with your rehearsal party.

Asking your guests to help you set up and clean up is a different matter. Only in certain circumstances will people take you at your word- that their assistance is the only gift you would like, and you know best whether or not you can make that request. Generally, this kind of barter is awkward because it can lead to misunderstandings. Some guests could feel put-upon that they're being asked to "work," some might refuse to understand that their labor is requested in lieu of presents, others will happily pitch in and not think twice about it. You see? This is a bit of a minefield. Only you can take the measure of your company. One safer route to take is to select just a couple of close friends or family members and explain your need for assistance. Do this in person and be direct about your needs and expectations. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, just make sure you approach the people who are least likely to get their feathers ruffled, and who are most likely to actually come through for you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:08 AM    <link>

NEIGHBOR OR NUISANCE?


Dear Elise,

When my husband and I moved into our new home in a somewhat pricey part of town we were snubbed by our next door neighbors. They never came by to introduce themselves when we moved in, and for years would not even say "hello" in passing. Within the past few months, my husband has told me that they have suddenly started waving at him when they drive by the house. They are having a birthday party at their home soon and we found an invitation in our mailbox inviting us to come. The problem is that there was no name on the envelope just our address. I feel that after over two years of being directly insulted by these people that I could not possibly find friendship or even civility with them. I also feel insulted because a nameless invitation makes me feel disrespected even more.

We don't intend to accept the invitation, which is not formal and has no RSVP or telephone number to decline. Am I being too sensitive?

Two weeks after we moved into our new home, my husband had a heart attack and quadruple bypass surgery, (he was only 40 years old). If that was not scary enough, I was faced with the thought of having to pack up and move out of a house I'd just moved into without my husband if he had died. A kind word from anyone would have been most welcome as we were total strangers in the community. I must add that at the time that we moved into our home the man who lives there was getting a divorce. He remarried about a year later and his new wife took on his attitude towards us. I understand we both had a rough time of it at the same time, but I'm of the thought that a person is most themselves in a crisis or during bad times so if you are a kind person by nature, you are most likely going to be kind no matter what goes on in your life.

Please tell me what you think we should do? Thanks so much.

Good Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

What can you do about people? How do you know what goes on behind those doors that are so close to yours?

Traditionally speaking, it is polite to pay new neighbors a visit or just exchange a few pleasantries when one meets in passing. This often happens naturally. But your sense of the way things should have gone is accurate. It would have been appropriate if your neighbors had stopped by.

But they didn't. This could have meant any number of things. Perhaps they were so preoccupied with the unraveling of their marriage that they couldn't bring themselves to say hello. Perhaps they are terribly shy. Maybe they're not very nice. Your hurt feelings were exacerbated by the stress and pain you suffered when your husband was ill, but presumably your neighbors did not know about his heart attack, and it is unlikely they were actually being malicious. In any case, you don't care for them and they seem rather unaware of your feelings, though they do seem to be making an effort of some sort by waving to your husband as he says they have been doing.

You ask what I think you should do but I'm not sure what the predicament is. You decided not to accept the invitation, which, given your feelings about the hosts, was probably for the best. You don't have a relationship with this couple now. Do you want one, or are you content with letting things go along as they have for years?

It seems that your neighbors woke up social all of a sudden, and are making clumsy efforts to be friendly. They wave; they throw parties and invite people they don't know from the neighborhood. Whether you choose to welcome their gestures, however awkward, or pass on them is up to you.

I suspect that you were nervous when you moved into your house and were so sensitized to the anticipated snobbery of your neighbors that when you got even a whiff of it you felt angry and rejected. Maybe they were awful snobs then and maybe they've reformed, but you don't have to do a thing if you don't want to. They extended an invitation; you chose not to attend. The only thing you should do when faced with their distant greetings is return the wave.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:22 AM    <link>

IN A PINCH

Dear Elise,

My wedding is in one month and we have just decided to change the ceremony venue for a multitude of reasons. I plan on sending a card to each guest who has RSVP'd "YES" informing him or her of the change. Must these envelopes be hand addressed or can I use labels?

Can I also use return address stickers or do I have to write out the return address? I probably only have to do 50 of these, but I really don't want to write the same return address 50 times! My invitations had the return address printed on them, but I hand-addressed each one.

-The Write Stuff

Dear Write Stuff,

You've hit upon the heart of all wedding decisions. The constant tug-of-war always erupts between information and presentation. If information were the only thing that mattered, ceremonies would never exceed 5 minutes in duration.

As you know, wedding invitation envelopes are traditionally handwritten, and many go so far as to hire someone with calligraphy skills to produce gorgeous missives. But you have a time issue, and when it comes to informing your guests of something as important as where they have to be, tradition is often relaxed in favor of expedience. Even great sticklers permit telephone calls for changes like yours when it is too late to have cards printed up.

It is most important that you get change of venue announcement out as soon as possible, so while handwriting might be ideal, no one would fault you for printing labels (return address ones as well).

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:03 AM    <link>

GUIDANCE

Dear Elise,

I was just wondering what the proper name is for the person or persons that help the guests find their seats at a wedding with assigned seats.

Thank you,

Tongue-tied

Dear Tongue-tied,

I suspect you are thinking about ushers. Traditionally, ushers are part of the groom's wedding party and in church weddings, they escort the families of the bride and groom to their designated seats, and help get the rest of the guests seated.

If your question is about seating at the wedding reception, then the answer is even simpler. No one does it. Usually guests find their table assignments by themselves. In weddings that have assigned seating, there is usually an "Escort Table" located near the entrance to the building or the dining area. The little table is covered with envelopes, arranged alphabetically by guest name. Inside each envelope is a card that reveals at which table the guest will be seated. (Usually tables are numbered, but people also often "name" their tables or color-code them.) Once the reception begins, guests clutch their cards and peer around into the centerpieces to see which table is theirs.

If you decide to have someone handle seating at a reception, and really want that person to have a title, you could consider using the title "usher," since the person will be doing the same job at the meal as someone else did at the ceremony.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:57 PM    <link>

LIMITING KIDS REDUX

Dear Elise,

I am happy to have kids running around and making merry at my wedding and reception. I have lots of cousins ranging in age from 5-18, and want them all to be there. In addition, there are several members of the wedding party who have young children that we love very much, and want to include. However, there are some remaining guests who have children whom we have never even met. They are old enough that it will cost full price to feed them, and so we don’t want to invite them.

Is it okay to invite kids who are “family or related to the wedding party” only? This, in truth, only excludes 4 or 5 children from two families. Is it more awkward that there are so few of them that we want to exclude? Is it worth it to talk to these two sets of parents and see how they feel about it? It wouldn’t be a big deal except we are on a very tight budget and already have to exclude friends of ours that we would ideally have invited.

Thanks for your help,

Money-Strapped Kid-Lover


Dear M-S K-L,

Savor the pleasure of being in the perfect position. The stars align infrequently.

The easiest way to exclude some children is to do exactly what you propose: invite only the children of relatives or the children in the wedding party. (Yes, you can combine these two rules as well.) This is a legitimate decision, and I wouldn't worry too much about making a rule that only excludes a handful of kids. Your guests will probably not be familiar with the exact number of children you have actually managed to leave out as a result of your plan.

Truly, you can do what you want here without having to twist into knots or explain yourselves over and over again. Whether you invite them all or exclude some is completely up to you. I hope all of your wedding decisions leave you with so little conflict.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:44 AM    <link>

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