archive
----------
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008

You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
- Simon & Schuster
- Amazon
- Barnes & Noble

Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

SOME DRINK OTHERS DON'T

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are in a sticky situation. My parents, who are paying for our large wedding, are strict about not drinking. While it's against their personal beliefs to drink alcohol of any sort, they are willing to accommodate two receptions: one with finger foods and punch, and another smaller "close friends and family" dinner where a moderate amount of alcohol would be served. I am a moderate drinker, and I would like to have wine or champagne on the big day.

On the other hand, his family couldn't be more different. They are heavy social drinkers and fully expect alcohol to play a central role in celebrations- ideally they would like a full bar. While 90% of my family's invitees will not partake of any alcohol, 100% of his family's invitees will partake (and partake heavily, as history has shown). Our reception site only offers bar prices by the hour or per drink charged to the wedding, not to the guests (i.e. cash bar is not an option). Even the cheapest bar options are a substantial expense when added up. Would it be improper for us to ask his parents to cover the costs of alcohol in this situation? Though my parents are hosting, I feel like demanding a bar would be pushing it, considering all they have already done, but I don't want to insult his family either. Please let me know what I can do, and if you have any other alternative ideas on accommodating these two families together I would surely appreciate them. My fiance and I have been dreading this issue from day one and I appreciate your help!!

Thanks,
Hoping It's Not a Fiasco

Dear Hoping,

You have some friction on your hands, but surely not a fiasco.

Something you must figure out is whether your parents simply don't want to pay for alcohol or if they truly don't want people drinking at all. If it is a question of cost alone, then you could approach your fiance's parents and explain the situation to them. It would then be up to them whether to pick up the bar costs.

Something else may be the case, however. If your parents are truly apposed to alcohol in some more fundamental way and do not want an open bar at any party they host, then you have a different set of issues to negotiate. If this is what's going on, and they are unwilling to bend, there is little you can do if they are paying for the event, and feel they have already compromised. (This compromise, by the way, is one that many people decide upon as a way to economize. As long as there is enough wine or champagne for guests to drink, there is no reason you need to feel uncomfortable about not serving hard alcohol.)

If your fiance's family is determined to have an open-bar celebration, perhaps they could take matters into their own hands and host a rehearsal dinner or cocktail event. This will allow both families to celebrate in the manner to which they have become accustomed, while maintaining a spirit of compromise.

See how this flies. You will have to be gentle with both sets of parents and it may take some coaxing to get people to be frank about what they will and will not live with. Compromise is always possible, though you may have to relegate the drinking to a night when your parents are not footing the bill.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:17 AM    <link>

CRASH THREATENED

Dear Elise,

My fiance's brother "Bill" will be the best man at our wedding. Unfortunately, Bill has been going through a very difficult breakup with a very difficult girlfriend. She's so difficult, in fact, that most members of his family and many of his friends have taken a very strong and fairly public stand against their relationship, because of her bad behavior and temper. Bill seemed to have been seeing the light and has moved out of her house.

Lately, however, it seems like they're reconnecting a bit. We know it would be a disaster if this girl attended our wedding as his guest. She is very aware that my fiance's family and friends are strongly against their relationship. We fear that she'll sense this big-time at the rehearsal dinner and throw a fit (as is her way), and refuse to attend the wedding. If that happened, it would be fairly typical of Bill to feel like he needs to stay with her, and either abandon his best-man duties all together or at least be miserable all night. This, in turn, will make other family members angry, and they'll be likely to make their own statements right there at the wedding.

Obviously we didn't extend him an "and guest" offer on his invitation for this reason, but I doubt this will keep him from inviting her if he's so inclined. He's really a great guy, but he's just very weak when it comes to his relationship with this girl. What can we do to persuade him to go solo? My fiance and I are both willing to sit him down and explain to him how important this is to us, but he's so deluded that we're afraid he won't understand and will end up doing what she wants him to do. Help!

- Trying to keep the drama to a minimum

Dear Trying,

My sympathies. It is always annoying when someone's relationship theatrics threatens to overwhelm unrelated affairs.

Now, you have outlined some possible courses of action, all of which feel futile, because of the personalities involved. What is most important is that you be prepared to take care of yourself should your fiance's brother's girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or whatever he decides to call her show up at your wedding.

I hear your cry for help, but I am not sure what sort of assistance you're seeking. Your future-brother-in-law should understand that he shouldn't invite extra guests to a wedding, and you can certainly, gently explain your position on this to him so that there can be no doubt in his mind about what the proper thing to do is.

If your question is about how to handle the girlfriend if she shows up as a semi-crasher, once she is in, I’m afraid it is in everyone's best interests to be gracious. The more bland and pleasant and detached one is from an agitator the less that person will have to agitate about and this will keep the peace for the duration of your ceremony and reception. There may be explosions after the fact, but with any luck you'll be off on a honeymoon or recuperating away from your families.

Really, you will have the easiest time of anyone. This is your wedding, so you will have plenty of distractions. You may want to caution the most volatile members of your fiance's family to please, in the event that the girlfriend shows up, hold their tongues until after the reception is over, but beyond that, short of having her thrown in jail for the night for a minor infraction or hiring a bouncer to turn her away at the door, you might be stuck with her.

Warn everyone about your wishes, but brace yourself to be ignored. If she stays away, you'll be relieved and if she shows, all your preparations will not have been in vain.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:55 AM    <link>

PRESENTS FOR PARENTS

Hello Elise!

I need your wisdom. I can't even begin to imagine how to thank my parents for... well, everything. I understand it is a tradition, and a nice gesture, to give our parents a gift to say thanks. Do you have suggestions? I would love to have knitting them a blanket or something nice, but the time snuck away from me.

They have paid for everything. I'm an only child and they had been saving for this. Its not extravagant, but still, they're forking over major money to give me a special day. How am I supposed to give them something to say thanks?

My fiance and I also want to give his parents something. I understand they offered to pay for things, but my parents really wouldn't have it, and they haven't really been instrumental in the planning process, so I don't think they should be the same gifts.

Your thoughts?
Thanks!
Soon-to-be-wed!!!

Dear Soon-to-be,

These are your parents and given the spirit of your letter, you know them about as well as you know anyone. Any present you decide would be appropriate for them will, no doubt, be perfectly proper. They are paying for your wedding because they want to. They want to make you happy and your happiness warms them. Remember this, because it does not sound as if you have anything to feel guilty about.

As for your fiance's parents, you probably shouldn't give them the same present that you give yours because the two families are, in all likelihood, very different, with different interests and tastes. Choose gifts that speak to your sets of parents, not something that only seems more or less appropriate.

To that end, I can't really offer gift suggestions, since I don't know the people in question. Some safe choices would be to give things that have some kind of symbolism, speak to their interests or are exquisite niceties that these folks would not really get for themselves.

If your parents have a yard, you could give them a tree to plant (I have become obsessed recently with Chinese peony trees, though I have no yard). If they are interested in art, you could give them a drawing or a photograph. Objects for the home often work well, a beautiful blanket or a case of wine. You could give them a romantic dinner for two at a favorite restaurant. I could go on and on, but you see what I'm saying: tailor your presents to your parents.

Congratulations. It is wonderful to receive such a happy note.

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:43 AM    <link>

NAME CALLING, MEANNESS, UNPLEASANTNESS, UGH

Hi Elise,

This isn't a wedding related etiquette question, but it does relate to etiquette on wedding related Internet forums.

What is the best way to respond when anonymous people post cruel, malicious messages about other regulars on an Internet forum? Should one ignore the messages and hope that the thread dies out? Should one defend the victims?

Thank you,

Angry Kvetcher

Dear Angry,

It should go without saying that I’m sorry you have to deal with this. People can be as awful in imaginary or online communities as they are in real life. The ability to remain cloaked in anonymity encourages people to say things they might only think if they were out in society, or if they are bored they may decide to see what kinds of responses they can provoke. One of course wishes that these people could develop some gentler forms of entertainment, but human beings have been gossiping and meddling for a long time and seem unlikely to stop.

It is very difficult, but you will do best if you ignore the rude or hostile posts. Responding to them will only encourage greater dialogue, and while one may garner supporters, the stinging comments will continue to roll forth from the fingertips of provocateurs, and you'll never get an apology and the cycle of viciousness and vulnerability will continue.

This is the case whether one is online or out and about in the world. In this case, keep in mind the bit of advice that I have received many times as the owner of a terrier and as a new mother: often times, dogs and children want attention of any kind, regardless of whether the attention is for having done something good or appalling. Responding to nasty anonymous posts is as rewarding to the writer as drawing excessive attention to an eight-month-old when she chomps your toe. If you remain calm and detached, and don't reward the bad behavior in any way, the guilty party will eventually give up and look for something else to do.

You may be interested to know that this happens in almost all online communities, as you can see if you read these "Netiquette" pages, but the advice to ignore the offenders is the same. Again, I'm sorry this is a problem you face. Just be glad you have the option of not reading what these folks write.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:34 AM    <link>

WHITHER ARE MY PRESENTS?

Dear Elise,

I just got married three weeks ago. When we opened gifts, we noticed that there was nothing (no gift OR card) from about six of our guests, most of whom are our nearest and dearest friends. We are completely okay with not getting presents from people, and were thrilled that everyone came from near and far to make our wedding an unbelievably beautiful and joyful experience. However, the people who didn't bring gifts are people we are POSITIVE would give us something, at least a nice card.

We know that etiquette gives people a year to give gifts, but we are sure that these friends would give us something that day (or shortly thereafter) and we don't want to wait that long to resolve this issue. A couple of these mysteries were solved recently. One friend just emailed us asking what address to mail our gift to (since we're moving) and another told us that they had an unorthodox gift idea that they wanted to present to us in person. This taught me that we should be patient with this. However, my fear is that friends may have given us cards with checks in them that were misplaced. I don't care about the money. I just would want to know if a gift I brought never made it to the bride and groom and I want my friends to know. How can I address this without being tacky or seeming greedy?

thanks!

-To Ask or Not to Ask

Dear To Ask,

Congratulations, first of all. You're married. You had a wonderful wedding and now you can relax a little bit. It's August. Most people's brains are at the beach, even if their bodies seem to be making the daily commute. Last week, I strongly suspect my apartment was the only one in my whole building whose occupants were not on vacation.

All of this is to say: wait. Be patient. Guests frequently wait on wedding presents and more often than not, don't bring them to receptions. This can be for logistical reasons (who wants to carry them and what will the bride and groom do with the presents if they're only in town for the wedding or hightailing it for the honeymoon as soon as the champagne has been drunk?), or because they haven't had a chance to find the perfect thing yet, or for a zillion other reasons. Already, two of your six missing presents have revealed themselves to be en route. Let the mystery of the remaining four resolve itself on its own.

Ask yourself why this issue is so pressing for you? Since it is common knowledge that wedding presents aren't considered "late" for months after the nuptials, nothing strange has happened. If you're concerned about your friendship for other reasons, feel free to call your friends and talk to them, but don't pry about the presents. They will either show up or they won't and even if they don't, isn't your friendship more important?

As a practical matter, if you're worried about something getting lost in the nuptial fray, is there someone you could ask- a relative or someone who works at your reception venue- if anything got left behind, or if there are boxes of un-sorted-through wedding debris you could look through just to make sure nothing got misplaced?

Short of that, calm down. The presents will come or they won't, but you haven't been married a month yet, so give them time. Enjoy the remains of the summer and the beginning of married life.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:13 AM    <link>

SHEDDING A DRESS

Elise,

I have a brand new, never been worn wedding dress that was purchased this past March. The wedding was called off and I have no further need for the dress. Do you know of anyone I could contact that may be interested in purchasing my dress? I would appreciate any help you may be able to offer.

Thank you!

My Dress No Longer

Dear My Dress,

While this isn't strictly speaking an etiquette question, I do have a few ideas that could help you.

The universal answer to this question in the 21st century is Ebay. This is certainly the easiest way to get your dress seen by the largest number of people.

You can also try local consignment shops, many of which specialize in high-end clothing and do a brisk business in wedding gowns.

In New York City there is a great charity called the Bridal Garden. They take dress donations

A much neglected area of IndieBride is the Trousseau section where people have put dresses up for sale

Finally, you may try calling your dress shop and asking if they know of any additional resources. They may know of some local shops that would be happy to take your dress off your hands.

I'm sorry you're faced with this problem and I hope this summer has not only been relaxing and happy for you but that you feel you have avoided a potentially bad situation.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:02 PM    <link>

INFORMATION OVERLOAD

Dear Elise,

Ok, I'm from Boston, my fiance is from New York and now we both live in Las Vegas. Our immediate families also live in Las Vegas. I would like to plan a very large wedding inviting everyone from all over the country. What is the proper etiquette for timeliness on Save the Date cards? I want my guests to have plenty of time to book their trip.

When should I give the guests hotel options? Is it ok to suggest different hotels for different prices knowing not everyone can afford an expensive hotel?

Also, am I supposed to recommend airfare to my guests or let them do it on their own?

I don't want to bombard my guests with 10 million things in the mail regarding the wedding. Is the best thing to just send out the save the date cards and then put up a website with all accommodations explained?

Help!
Sincerely,

So Confused

Dear So Confused,

Yours is a situation where save the date cards really will help you. While I usually feel that save the dates are sort of the "appendix" of wedding stationery- occasionally useful but not necessary- if one is asking a large percentage of one's guests to travel, a global early warning announcement is considerate. (Having said that, if one can't afford the extra expense of save the date cards and postage, one can send out emails to all potential travelers.)

Generally, when timing mailings, it is helpful to take a few factors into account. Consider the following:

-Wedding invitations proper tend to get mailed about six weeks before the event.

- Save the date cards are usually mailed four to six monthe in advance. If you're getting married at a holiday time (especially those times when people often make plans early: the Christmas / New Year's period, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving weekend) you will probably want to send them with a longer lead time.

Your guests will no doubt be very happy if you supply some hotel details. Whether you include this information in your save the date mailer, or you set up a web site that warehouses all wedding details is up to you. The web site is convenient and flexible. It will allow you to respond to shifting plans, and with a large traveling crowd, it may be ideal for your needs. As for offering your guests a choice of hotels, it is always gracious to offer your guests a range of prices; alternatively, you could look into getting a good deal on a block of rooms at a hotel you particularly like.

As for airfare, you don't have to play travel agent. Couples tend to suggest airlines and flights when their weddings are happening in a hard to reach area, which Las Vegas certainly is not. If you use a web site for your wedding information, you could always add flight information if you discover later that your guests really want travel help.

Congratulations and cheers for being such a good host.

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:59 AM    <link>

TIMELY THANKS
Double Header

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married in two months. Recently we have started receiving wedding gifts. Naturally we're very excited to start using these fantastic things. My questions are: 1- can we use them before the wedding, and 2- should we send thank-yous right away or after the wedding?

Thanks!

Presented

Dear Elise,

Could you provide some guidance on the window in which thank you notes should be written for engagement parties and showers, and also for the actual wedding (which I assume allows for more time due to the honeymoon absence). My parents held an engagement party for my fiance and I a week ago this past Saturday and I have about half of the notes written and am hoping that if I complete them this week I will still be okay! I certainly don't want to snub anyone or insult his or her generosity with a tardy note.

Thank you and kind regards,
Feted in Chicago

Dear Presented and Feted,

Two queries about thank you note efficiency arriving in August makes me think that Back-to-School Syndrome is already in full swing, and before Labor Day, no less.

Still, you are both absolutely right to be writing. In order to avoid becoming overwhelmed, writing notes as soon as you get the present is the best plan. This reduces the enormity of the task and makes it quite easy. Left to pile up, the notes become a gigantic obstacle that will give you a stomachache every time you pause to consider them.

There are no real guidelines for how much time is actually allotted for thank you note writing. The sooner you get them in the mail, the better, though Emily Post tends to say that three months is the absolute maximum outside time limit.

So, Feted, you are in great shape if you send your notes within a span of two weeks and Presented, you should go ahead and send your thank yous out as the presents come in. As to whether you use the presents or not, it is entirely up to you. Remember, while the present got to you early, no one imagines you won't open it before the wedding (unless it came with a "Do not open before... " tag on it the way Christmas boxes sometimes do).

So write your notes now, and be glad you will have less to do after your wedding when you will be craving nothing more than a break.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:09 AM    <link>

COLOR CAUTION

Dear Elise,

Is wearing black to a wedding (or wedding related events like groom's dinner or fancy bridal shower) a big no-no? I always thought black conveyed elegance but I've had several people tell me that it is inappropriate to wear black- some black or all black (like a dress)- to a wedding. Are there any rules of etiquette concerning this?

Thanks!

Unsure of Attire

Dear Unsure,

Rest assured, about black and weddings there are rules aplenty, though you must decide for yourself how to interpret these regulations. All of these regulations, by the way, apply to weddings only, and not to the events that surround the nuptials.

The standard hard line that one reads in Miss Manners is that one should never wear black to a wedding because of its connotations of mourning. Some, though not Miss Manners, go so far as to imply that wearing all black either imparts bad luck to the bride and groom or that it speaks volumes about the black wearer's attitude towards the wedding. (I should add that even Miss Manners makes an exception for a pregnant reader who has only one maternity party dress, and it is black. She suggests her reader add a brighter element, such as a jacket, to reduce any lugubrious connotations.) I should add here that clothes with black in the pattern do not fall under this caution.

But look here! In Vogue's Book of Etiquette (1948) the description of guest attire for women at a formal daytime wedding is as follows:

"Formal, street-length dresses or afternoon suits; black, if need be, but gay enough not to be confused with mourning."

These are the rules of tradition that many people happily break. Brides frequently outfit their bridesmaids in black, and I have head of quite a number of "Black and White" theme weddings (in the spirit, I suppose, of Truman Capote's 1966 Black and White Ball at the Plaza Hotel), though those threaten another issue: one really should not wear white to a wedding if one is not the bride.

If you feel nervous and this is a traditional crowd, you would be best off finding something non-black to wear, only because you might feel uncomfortable. Navy is always a good, safe wedding choice. Now you know the lay of the land, the rest is up to you.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:08 AM    <link>

JUST SEND ONE ANYWAY

Hello Elise-

Question for you: we are putting together our formal invitations. There are several people who are invited (who have already received our STDs) who have told us that they won't be able to come. How do we deal with them? On the one hand, we don't want to send the message of "You aren't coming, so we aren't wasting an expensive invitation on you"; but we also don't want to send the message of "We know you aren't coming, but now that you've received this invitation you're obligated to send us a gift, so nyah nyah nyah." Basically, we want to make people who won't come still feel included and let them know that we would have wanted them there. Do we just send the invite to all? Do we add a note in the envelope of those who we know won't come? What's the nicest way to do this?

- Indie Groom

Dear IG,

Invitations should always be treated as compliments. Someone has requested the pleasure (honor, even) of one's company. How could that be a bad thing? The short answer to your question is this: send them an invitation. It couldn't hurt.

Forget your queasiness about how people could possibly misinterpret your invitation. Keeping them on the invite list signifies only that you hope their plans change, and you want to include them in your festivities.

You can absolutely include a little note indicating that you know your friends are busy but you wanted to invite them anyway. That is up to you. But it is always gracious to invite, and if some would-be guest decides to be snarky and suggest otherwise, I suspect you can happily party on without him or her.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:27 PM    <link>

THE POLITICS OF SETTING A DATE

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I are so excited about getting engaged. We want to have a funky, low-cost, low-stress indie wedding soon, at least six months from now, but in less than a year. One of my good friends will be in Australia with her husband for the next 14 months. She's assuming that we'll plan the wedding for when they get back. Aside from the fact that I don't want to wait that long, I also feel like it's opening a can of worms - if I bend to everyone who has a conflict, who knows when we'll get a date? I also don't want people to get used to being able to influence our plans.

How do I respond to people who will be hurt that they won't be able to come on the weekend that we chose? I want them to be there, I'm sad that they won't be able to make it, but I want to get married when I want to get married.

Thanks!

Date Dilemma

Dear DD,

Repeat after me: "I’m really sorry you won't be able to be there. Please let me know if your plans change." You are right. Trying to coordinate the schedules of everyone you, your parents, your boyfriend and his parents know is impossible, impractical and undesirable. Once you set the date, let your potential guests know what it is so they can make plans, and after that, they're on their own.

I should say that there is nothing wrong with choosing a date to accommodate someone's schedule, if you feel that you really don't want to get married without him or her present. If you do this, don't let it get around. Very few people really feel they can dictate a wedding date to the bride and groom, but if you give that handful of entitled folks the sense that you want to be flexible for them, they will jump at the opportunity to make a hash of your plans.

Remember, there could always be bigger complications. You could have a set of culturally determined astrological rules to take into account as well. We are in, for example, a "widow year" in the Chinese calendar (where the first day of the Chinese New Year comes after linchun, the first day of spring in the solar calendar). These years are considered unlucky, especially for marriage- tricky years for new beginnings.

You must do what you need to do, take all your personal factors into account, and let everyone else fall into line behind you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:49 PM    <link>

BRIDESMAID TRIES COUP D'ETAT

Dear Elise,

I am one of 9 bridesmaids to my best friend who is getting married soon. The bride never really assigned a bridesmaid to be in charge of the shower/bachelorette party planning, but since the bridesmaids live all over the country, the bride asked that we plan the party right before the wedding so we could all be there.

My cousin and I are both in the wedding, and since no one stepped up, we started to plan the party. There were two possible out-of-town plans that we scrapped because of the extra travel and cost. We ended up planning something local and got reservations and assigned jobs to the other maids, emailing the info around, so that if someone had a problem she could let us know. We have done our best to plan what that the bride would like, even if her perfect bachelorette party isn't possible, and we have kept her abreast of the plans and she seemed fine.

Suddenly, one bridesmaid who has not replied to any emails for over a month called my cousin, saying she wants to do a boat rental thing and scrap the plans we had made. She made it sound like the bride didn't want anything else. All of the plans have been made and now we don't know what to do. We don't want to put the bride in the middle but feel we need to ask her about this and if she says that our plans are fine how do we politely tell this other bridesmaid to lay off? Sorry this is so long - thanks

Frustrated Bridesmaid

Dear Frustrated,

Party planning by committee is always one step away from chaos. This is the difficulty of bureaucracies, even tiny ones. Now, surprise parties are all well and good, but in your case, the bride not only knows the day of the party, but what you've been planning for her. It seems that your one errant bridesmaid suddenly decided to exert her will, and perhaps she hadn't been following along with your emails about logistics.

If all of the bridesmaids have been on board with the plans you made to this point, you are well within your rights to tell her that you can't change the event now. You can even point out that the bride knows all and hasn't protested.

Of course you don't want this bridesmaid to feel ostracized or ganged-up on, so be gentle and pretend she simply hasn't been aware of how far your plans have gone. She may be trying to be helpful, or she may be trying, for whatever reason, to stage some sort of hostile party takeover. Include her and reassure her, but unless the bride really feels strongly to the contrary, you can proceed, with clear consciences, with the plans that are in progress.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:22 AM    <link>

SHOWER INVITATION FIASCO

Elise,

My mother-in-law wanted to host my wedding shower. I am not very close to her and I didn't want to offend her so I said yes. She was so excited about it. She lives several states away and wanted to host a brunch in our city. Long story short she and my fiance's stepmom are holding a brunch in a swanky restaurant that I love. I am horrified at the idea of having 50 people at this brunch though. The expense is making my skin crawl. I suspect that they cannot afford it, but I really am not sure. When I said yes to the shower, I assumed it would be tea and cookies at someone's house, but I said yes and I just have to accept whatever they do. I tell them before they put the deposit down that I was concerned that the restaurant was too expensive and asked them to make an alternate plan, but they didn't.

The shower invitations went out, and when I received mine I was shocked. There are three mistakes on the invitation, which made me cringe. My stepdad and stepmom are listed as hosts. They were not consulted and my stepdad was upset. He feels he is being strong-armed into helping defray the costs of the shower. The URL of our wedding website is incorrect and happily the incorrect site listed no longer goes to an Asian porn site as it used to! Finally, my mother-in-law took the text off of our website registry page verbatim. I said we would be pleased to have guests consider making a contribution to the American Cancer Society in lieu of more traditional gifts because my parents died of cancer. I see nothing wrong with putting that on an informational page on a website, but the fact that it says that my parents are dead on my shower invite is--well, horrifying.

I talked to my stepdad (who is my dad and raised me) and apologized. What else can I do? I have not said anything to mother-in-law to be or any of my friends. Should I just keep quiet about it? My fiance knows that this upset me, and he was peeved but he sort of thinks his mother is unreliable and has low expectations. I am assuming it would be best to just play dumb, but I am worried since my stepdad is so hurt. I will proudly introduce him as my dad to everyone. I don't know what else to do.

- Embarrassed Bride

Dear Embarrassed,

This is embarrassing, indeed. You're dealing with a combination of insensitivity and garden variety over enthusiasm on the part of your mother-in-law. The invitations have gone out already, so there is little you can do beyond damage control.

Your mother-in-law may indeed have been trying to strong-arm your stepfather, but there is a chance that including him on the invitation was yet another misguided gesture of enthusiasm- trying to include him in the event. The excessively fancy venue and the mistakes on the invitation (including your registry information, especially) indicate haste and a desire to please. It is embarrassing, to be sure, but the etiquette faux pas is hers, not yours.

As for what you can do, you have been responsible. You apologized and reassured your stepfather. I'm sorry you have had to deal with the sad information about your parents on the shower invitation, but you can't be faulted for the text, and the pain you feel is much greater than anyone else's reaction.

Unfortunately, it would not do you too much good to try to change or correct the event now that invitations are out, but you might take this event as a warning for the future. Your mother-in-law doesn't always think before she acts, so you will have to take care to safeguard yourself against her future acts of enthusiasm. Proceed with caution, tread lightly and put your shower in the past. As long as your and your family's feelings are on the mend and you send all your thank you notes, you're in good shape.

Congratulations and I hope your shower and wedding were happy, joyful events.

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:34 PM    <link>

FORMS OF ADDRESS

Dear Elise,

My daughter is getting married soon. Please give us some advice about how to address the invitations without using the archaic and patriarchal Mr. and Mrs. James Smith.

Thank you,

Ready to Write

Dear Ready,

This question comes in from time to time, and I always am inclined to respond with a question of my own: whom are you trying to please, you or your guest? This isn't a harsh question at all, I ask because my answer depends on your response.

Some people genuinely prefer the "old-fashioned Mr. and Mrs. HisName HisLastName form. Other people can't stand it. When you sit down to address envelopes, if your interest is in your guests' feelings, you may want to take each case into account. This means not being able to have a single overarching policy, of course, and some extra work for you, since you'll have to decide case-by-case how to address your envelopes.

Now that I've muddied your waters, here are two ways to address your invitations that are not quite so man-centric.

HisName and HerName HisLastName (skip the Mr. and Mrs.)
OR
Mr. and Mrs. HisName and HerName HisLasName

Some of your guests may have different last names in which case try:

Mr. HisName HisLastName and Ms. HerName HerLastName

This is one area where it isn't hard to take your guests' preferences into account, and selecting a form of address that each would prefer is gracious and really does make people happy, whether they want to see their names or would prefer the "old-fashioned" style.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:40 PM    <link>

OPTING OUT

Dear Elise,

I am so confused right now. I recently reunited with the guy who was my first kiss. I just happened to come across some information on him so I thought I would see how he was doing since it had been 12 years since meeting at summer camp. My fiance had been having horrible problems and I was getting very stressed from the wedding overload.

My "first kiss" and I met an hour away and had dinner and drinks. He was amazing! He was such a gentleman and so nice. I knew then that I could never marry my fiance because he would never treat me that way. After I came home I found my house trashed from a party that my fiance threw while I was out of town. I decided that this was the time to kick him out of the house.

Now I want to do more then that. I want to break off our engagement and end things with him. My problem is that I do love him, although I do not believe that I am in love with him. He also has a bad temper. How do I break this to him when he does not think that he has done anything wrong?

Fatefully Torn

Dear Fatefully,

Matters of the heart do not, strictly speaking, fall under the rubric of etiquette, but there are some paths you can take to make breaking up more civilized, if not less painful.

Even though your encounter with your summer camp sweetheart was the catalyst that caused the scales to fall from your eyes, try not to think of this a situation in which you will leave one man for another. Your engagement should be a matter entirely separate from any other newer or revived relationships.

Once you understand how you feel and know that you truly want to break it off with your fiance, you need only remember to treat him with respect. As soon as you can, tell your fiance that you can't marry him. If you have an engagement ring, you should return it to him (unless it was an heirloom from your family, or if there are other extenuating circumstances). It will fall to you to take care of the bureaucracy of canceling arrangements and doing the bulk of the explaining.

This is a hard decision to make, and you will probably have moments of feeling lousy, but it truly is better for you to have figured this out before rather than after the fact.

Cheers and hearty congratulations on knowing what you want,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:44 PM    <link>

JUST A PARTY

Dear Elise,

My dear sister who is also my matron of honor is very excited about throwing me a shower. I know that as a relative she is not supposed to throw me a shower, because it will appear that she is lobbying on my behalf for presents.

My thought is to suggest that we call the party something else and then discretely tell folks that we just wanted to get together without the shower and present hoo-ha.

Would this work? Is it too transparent?

Thanks,

A Shower by Any Other Name


Dear Other Name,

I realize that the whole shower vs. party quibble sounds like a semantic issue, and to a certain extent it is, but you clearly realize why the old-fashioned no-relatives-should-host-wedding-showers guideline exists.

Your solution is absolutely perfect. You don't even need to go so far as to tell people not to bring presents, all you have to do is throw your party and let people decide for themselves what they want to do.

A party doesn't really need a name, so you can call it anything you like, or nothing at all. Some people will treat it as a shower, others won't, but keeping the language neutral will discourage anyone even slightly inclined to be snarky and you will have the pleasure of being able to celebrate without anyone taking the wind out of your sails.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:15 PM    <link>

FAMILY SEATING

Hello Elise:

Do the parents of the groom and the parents of the bride have separate tables or is it okay for them to sit at the same table?

-Seating Planner

Dear Seating Planner,

There are a number of ways to handle assigned seating at weddings, depending on how well everyone gets along and what kind of mood you're in regarding tradition. Here are a few common choices:

One option is to have all the parents sit at a table with the bride, groom, the officiant and his or her partner.

Another choice is to have a "bride's table" (populated by the bride, groom, maid of honor, best man, bridesmaids, ushers and usually the partners of the wedding party) and a "parents' table" where all the parents, grandparents, and godparents of the bride and groom sit.

The two families can be segregated into "bride's family" and "groom's family" tables, though this can feel a little rigid and chilly.

One can also dispense with traditional seating entirely and create seating plans based on who you think will get along. Spread the families around, mix and match friends and relatives.

Generally speaking, it is a good idea to have wedding couple's parents sit at the same table. It demonstrates warmth and a feeling that the two families are coming together. It doesn't matter if the parents don't become best friends. For the occasion, and it really only lasts a few hours, they can enjoy, or at least pretend to enjoy, each other's company. That's what one often does with blood relatives anyway.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:51 PM    <link>

PRESENT PARTICULARS

Dear Elise,

Is one required to buy a wedding gift if you have already given a gift at the bridal shower?

Thanks!

How Many Presents?

Dear How Many,

The only event that absolutely, without doubt, requires a present is the wedding shower. Presents are the pretext for the party. Weddings, on the other hand, are not the same sort of beast.

Clearly it is customary to give a wedding present, and not giving one tends to communicate a loud and not necessarily flattering message to the bride and groom. If you are struggling financially, you have a few choices. You could (hand) write a note telling your friends or relatives how much you enjoyed yourself and appreciated being included in the festivities. You could also wait a little while until you have sufficient funds to purchase a present. Remember, you are never, ever required to spend beyond your means and there are plenty of useful and thoughtful items- from cookbooks to wine to windowbox gardens- that are not wildly expensive.

Consider your options and see what suits you and your relationship with the bride and groom best.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:29 PM    <link>

WARMING THE HOUSE

Dear Elise,

What are some traditional housewarming gifts?

- Present Hunter

Dear Present Hunter,

A housewarming may be an informal affair, but there are still plenty of traditions that can make a partygoer feel somewhat at a loss.

In truth, it is very simple. For present ideas, you need not look too far beyond the word "housewarming" itself. Bring something for the home. Amy Vanderbilt, writing in 1962, has a long list of inexpensive- if somewhat dated- present suggestions, that begins with "initialed matches" and also includes playing cards and plants.

Really, the territory is wide open. You could bring booze, a kitchen utensil, something for gardening, a cookbook, a photo album- almost anything goes. You don't need to go wild. The housewarming present is a tradition that should encourage thoughtfulness rather than extravagance.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:59 AM    <link>

TRAVELING AROUND THE WEDDING

Dear Elise,

An acquaintance of mine is planning a large wedding in South America. She and I are not particularly close, so I was not invited, but several good friends of mine are attending. Since they are spending so much money to fly all the way there, many are planning on spending an extra week or two traveling around on their own (not with the bride), and a couple friends have suggested that I should meet up with them to travel either before or after the wedding. Another friend who is attending, however, made it clear she thinks it would be extremely rude for me to show up in the same country uninvited, even though I would obviously not attend any wedding events.

Her concern is that if the bride finds out I am there, she may feel compelled to invite me to the wedding, which is definitely not my intention but something I suppose is a possibility. The group of friends who are attending currently live all over the country, however, so it would be great to see them all in one place.

Is it rude for a non-guest to plan on traveling with guests of a destination wedding prior to or after the wedding? If so, would arriving in the country after or departing before the wedding has taken place alleviate the problem, or is it a situation I should just avoid, in the interest of not appearing to be a wedding crasher?

Thanks.

-Buenos Aires is Calling

Dear Buenos Aires,

It is hard to imagine that an entire country would be declared off limits simply because of a wedding to which one was not invited. Your friend is well intentioned, but perhaps she is taking excessive care not to offend the bride.

At any rate, it would not be inappropriate for you to meet your friends in Argentina either before or after the wedding. You must only take care (and this shouldn't be hard) to avoid all contact with the wedding, so that the travels you do with your friends are entirely discreet from the nuptials.

If you and your friends decide to travel before the wedding, don't extend your visit so that you linger in the hotel with the wedding guests. That will, indeed, make things uncomfortable. Just drop them off well before the festivities and head home. If you plan your trip to follow the nuptials, again, arrange to meet your friends after all the parties have wrapped up, or have them meet you in a different hotel or city when you start your trip together.

The whole country doesn't belong to the bride for her the month of her wedding, as long as you stay clear during the little window required for comfort, you should be in good shape.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:12 PM    <link>

MOTHER VS. STEPMOTHER

Dear Elise,

My parents are still happily married. My fiance's are not. Not only are his parents divorced, they truly hate one another. His mother and stepmother are both extremely jealous and while I don't like the way they act toward one another, I do like them both. I understand his mother's concern that his stepmother does not take her place, but she goes overboard. Once, she found a Mother's Day card my fiance was about to send to his stepmother and freaked out. My fiance's parents have been divorced since he was an infant, and both of them remarried soon after. Both of his mothers (dare I say it?) and fathers (for that matter) mean a great deal to him.

So far, we have skirted all major disasters, even during the bridal shower. Both families were there, but I simply refrained from referring to either of them properly or describing their relationship to my fiance.

I am afraid that I will not be quite so lucky at the wedding itself. People will need to be introduced to one another. There will also be formal introductions: printed in the program, spoken by the DJ, etc. What I am most worried about are the initial introductions when the parents/wedding party enters the reception, and also the traditional father of the bride and bride/mother of the groom and groom dance. I am not willing to forego this tradition, but I don't know how it should be handled for my fiance. Should he dance with them both? One right after another or at different times? As for introductions, is it simply, "the father and stepmother of the groom, Jack and Susie Soandso", or is there a more delicate way to put it (when he calls them both "mom").

All of your help is greatly appreciated!

- Dueling Mothers-in-law

Dear Dueling,

It is safe to say that things have gone too far if you, the bride-to-be, are too frightened to even speak aloud the ways in which these women are related to your future husband. Both of them seem to be quite used to being able to control their environments through temper and that is something you do not need at your wedding.

As far as programs and invitations go, you can simply list everyone. This is not a theatrical performance so it won't be necessary to actually identify each person's exact connection to the bride and groom in writing. Just the names will be fine. As far as who gets named first, your fiance will have to decide on a policy that doesn't smack of favoritism. An alphabetical listing seems egalitarian.

Now, if you want the DJ to announce people as they walk into the room, you have some choices. If you want to refrain from making any particular identification, have everyone named all at once: "The groom's parents: Jack and Susie Soandso and Betsy and Frank Hereandnow."

As for dances, again, it would be safest to come up with a standard policy that your fiance can stick with in the face of any sort of coaxing to the contrary. He should dance with his birth mother first, his stepmother second, and for his sake, there should probably be an interval between these dances. If his mother and stepmother start to make noises, he could coddle them each a bit by asking each of them to help pick a song for "their" dance.

These are a few ways in which you and your fiance can walk on eggshells around these women, and you are wise to respect the delicacy of their feelings and the complexity of the situation. However, you must not allow either of them to make demands, throw tantrums or derail the proceedings. As soon as one starts to get irrational, nip it in the bud as best you can. Maternal guilt is the siren's call that will make you do a gainer on the rocks of frustration. Block your ears. You can love and respect them without caving to their whims. Reassure them without sacrificing an unsteady peace.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:37 PM    <link>

WEDDING PARTY WITH BAGGAGE

Dear Elise,

One of my bridesmaids and I had a falling out a few weeks after I asked her to be in my wedding. Our fight was purely between us; we've both apologized and had started to work things out when she started dating my ex boyfriend.

My ex was the person I was dating when I met my fiance. While I am friendly with him, my fiance isn't comfortable inviting him to our wedding. Now that the bridesmaid in question is dating my ex, my fiance is adamant about not having the ex attend. (The bridesmaid is still living with her own ex - who is one of my fiance's groomsmen.) My problem bridesmaid and my fiance's groomsman (her ex) were originally going to walk together in our wedding procession. Of course, now he wants nothing to do with her.

Should I fire this woman as my bridesmaid? While she has every right to date anyone she wants, her selfish behavior in starting this new relationship has angered everyone from my fiance and his friends to my other bridesmaids and her own friends. I'm afraid that having her at my wedding will create drama that I don't want to be part of the day.

I'd like to preserve my friendship with her, despite what my other friends say, and part of me thinks that this will all blow over in a few weeks. But frankly, I'd like to tell her I'd be more comfortable with her attending my wedding as a guest than a bridesmaid. I think it would make things a lot easier in the long run - not to mention in looking back at the pictures.

What should I do?

Confused in Minnesota

Dear Confused,

This is indeed complicated. I don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed. You are wading waist-deep in the murk of broken relationships and general petulance and the trick to prevent yourself from drowning in it is to fix your eyes on the distance and keep your mind on the big picture. You're getting married and leaving all of that behind you.

Tension with bridesmaid or two is not uncommon. Weddings are times of high stress and in spite of being happy occasions, they put the highlight relationships in such a way that strain is inevitable. Forgive yourself for being impatient, but your wedding has nothing to do with your bridesmaid's romantic choices.

As for your problem, unless your tricky bridesmaid is particularly mature and forgiving, it is unlikely she will take being fired as anything other than an insult. Will you tell her that her relationship with your ex makes her unworthy of being your bridesmaid? That gives your former boyfriend rather too much power. Do you want to end your friendship or at least generate an enormous amount of resentment? If you want to fire her, that is how much it could cost.

Now, there are plenty of ways to minimize the drama if she does stay in the wedding. You can rearrange your wedding procession so that your bridesmaid is nowhere near her ex-boyfriend. You can arrange to have some pictures taken without her. If having your ex not attend your wedding is important to you, and this is certainly reasonable, you should talk with your bridesmaid and explain how uncomfortable the situation makes you. One way to get around some of the threatened hysteria is to calmly address your concerns. Be firm and honest, but try to refrain from making any accusations about her behavior or that of your ex.

Remember you're in a position to be generous. You're the one getting married. Your relationship is fine and happy, and that is the thing that triumphs over the weirdness of your bridesmaid's life, or anyone else's for that matter. Rise to your occasion and no one else's.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:31 AM    <link>

PRESENT REQUESTS
2 Questions

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are in our mid-thirties and getting married at the end of the year. We have decided not to register for gifts. If we want a crock-pot, we'll go out and buy a crock-pot.

That said, I fully appreciate that many people wouldn't be caught dead attending a wedding without a gift in hand. What, in your experience, is the best way to handle this? We've thought about suggesting donations to a few charities that are meaningful to us. We've thought about asking for gifts of beer for the BBQ the night before. Are there other ways to keep commercialism to a minimum?

We just sent out a save-the-date notice to about 200 people, so this is an issue we want to try to figure out soon!

Thanks much,

Contented

Hello,

My fiance and I are getting married next summer, a few weeks after I finish grad school, and a few weeks before an anticipated move to New York City. This means that things will be a bit rushed; and we'll be combining our stuff into one, probably very small, apartment, and our already tight belts will have to be tightened even further.

So, if there is one, we'd like a tactful way of asking our relatives for money. Since a lot of our friends are in the same financial situation as we are, I thinking of asking them for homemade gifts. They are painters, writers and musicians, and this would be a way of cushioning homesickness after the move.

Is it crass to make such a distinction between those who could afford to give us money and those who can't? Do you think our relatives would be hurt if they realize we're tacitly saying they don't have the same talents our friends do? Should we express our gift wishes in writing, or rely on word-of-mouth?


Thanks!

Strapped

Dear Contented and Strapped,

Questions about wedding presents come around quite a bit, and I always wonder if people write hoping I'll have a different answer than the ones I supplied in the past.

In the end, I must stand by everything I have already said. There is no good or easy way to ask for money. The best you can do is to enlist parents and friends to spread the word about your needs. There is no tactful way to put this request in writing. I think the same can be said for the artist friends whose work you mention, Strapped. I don't think you necessarily need to make all of your guests aware that you hope for cash from some and artwork from others. You can let your artist friends know that you'd prefer something they create. As for your other guests, they would probably be more bent out of shape if you asked them to be creative when they aren't, so don't worry about not asking them to be artistic.

If you want to actively discourage presents, you can forgo registering anywhere, but some people will not be put off and will jump at the chance to take matters into their own hands. You may, if your needs are specific, want to consider an unconventional registry where you select things that may help you with your new apartment. Someplace like the Container Store could provide you with all sorts of tools that will help you get more out of a small space.

As for you, Contented, you can absolutely tell anyone who asks that you don't want a thing, or that what you really want is beer for your party. Be prepared for some percentage of your guests to ignore your wishes. This is inevitable, but often the surprises are wonderful. Again, it is better to use word of mouth to talk about presents, even if you don't want them. Leave the invitation free of all gift information.

Present-wise, people will do what they want to do, often with little more than a glance at a registry or an open ear to one's requests. The best one can do is to keep in mind that a present is something freely given. One can make gentle suggestions but no demands.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:56 AM    <link>

WHEN GUESTS ATTACK
or
WHY ONE SHOULD KEEP REGISTRIES AWAY FROM INVITATIONS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I included text in our wedding invitations asking our guests to please bring a nonperishable food item to the reception to be donated to a local soup kitchen we have worked with. We also included the following text: "A donation may also be made in the couple's honor at freedomtomarry.org."

We are aware that it is rude to include gift registry information in the invitation but we figured donation information was okay and wrote it on a separate card included in the envelope with the formal invite. However, several family members have responded in writing telling us that we don't know what a wedding is, that it was so inappropriate to mention such a controversial social issue, etc. I think it is clear they are most upset about our second choice of organization.

I am bisexual and several of the attendants identify as LGBT so it was particularly important for us to include this donation option. I realize my guests may not all share my political views but I did not expect them to respond as they did. One couple even went so far as to make a donation in our name to a contrary organization that my fiance and I do not support. How do I handle this tactfully? Several of these relatives have already sent gifts for our bridal shower and now it is time to send them thank you notes.

Should we say something about their comments in the thank you or in a separate note? Or should we ignore their comments altogether? I would like to respond because I feel somewhat attacked but I have no idea what to say -- I don't want to write a vicious note back but I do want them to know that their reprimands were unwelcome and inappropriate. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Sincerely,
Bi Bride

Dear Bi Bride

What you have here is a whole cycle of gracelessness that really, for everyone's sake must be broken immediately.

It was unwise for you and your fiance to make any requests on your invitations, beyond the obvious one- that you want your guests to attend your wedding. This has nothing to do with your intentions, which are admirable. The problem is that your stipulations tax the medium of the invitation, which really should be as pure and minimal as possible. One's heart sinks when one opens an invitation and discovers it comes with all sorts of rules and stipulations.

Including wedding registry information in the invitation is problematic as well because it gives a rather mercenary feeling to the festivities– as if in exchange for the invitation one must produce something. You suggest that this is not the case for you because you asked for a donation to a charity, but in fact this is just as complicated because you were not only explicitly telling people in your invitation to spend money, you asked that they spend money in ways they might find problematic. Consider how alienated you might feel if you received an invitation that included a request for donations to an organization you dislike or find threatening.

So missteps were taken, fair enough. Your guests, in response, have behaved incredibly poorly. It is not their place to scold you or deliberately needle you (and I hope that the worst offenders didn't put you on a mailing list for the organization you don't like).

And now you're faced with having to be gracious. Don't rise to the occasion. The guests who scolded you or who gave inappropriate donations know that they were being unpleasant. It won't help you to point this out to them. They'll only be pleased that they got to you. The way to triumph over their insults is to pretend that you didn't hear them. To those who would reprimand you, send the most formal, oblique, calm note you can compose and completely ignore their taunts. As for the folks who made the alternative donation, again, a carefully worded note saying that you were glad they thought of you is all that needs to be said.

They are dying to rain on your parade; don’t give them the satisfaction.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:13 AM    <link>

NO BRIDESMAIDS, SERIOUSLY

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I recently have been discussing getting engaged. I shared with my best friend a cute anecdote about how he tried to casually take me to look at rings in a jewelry store. She was excited but was really disappointed when I said I wouldn't be having any attendants.

I was a bridesmaid for her traditional Catholic wedding and if I were having a wedding in that style, she'd be my first choice for matron of honor. However, I'm Quaker and I want to have a traditional Quaker wedding, which doesn't include attendants. Additionally, all guests are asked to either speak from the heart or read a passage special to them pertaining to marriage as they desire, so I can't even give her a elevated role in the ceremony.

I would like to reassure her that she is very special to me, but I'm not sure how. She has brought this up every time I have talked to her ("Are you sure you're not going to have bridesmaids?"). Honestly, I'm not sure of anything pertaining to the wedding, since I'm not even officially engaged yet and I expect my boyfriend to share in the planning.

Thanks,

Bridesmaid Woes Without the Bridesmaids

Dear Woes,

Tradition is a wonderful thing, in its place, but it can certainly lead to peculiar lapses in understanding. Quaker or not, bridesmaids are never necessary. Even Emily Post, writing in 1946 about the most traditional wedding ceremonies says: "Although a bride need have no attendants, it is best that she have at least one. The picture of her father holding her bouquet and stooping to adjust her train would be difficult to witness with gravity." Note that her reasons for the importance of the lone attendant are purely aesthetic- that the father of the bride won't want to look foolish. Bouquets, trains and even fathers in ceremonies are entirely optional. Your friend seems to be of the Emily Post 1946 school of thought.

So, what can you do? You may have to explain countless times what a Quaker wedding is like. At the heart of this, your friend is longing to reassure herself that you are still close to her, that you won't choose someone else to be your maid/matron of honor, and she is perhaps missing the opportunity to publicly demonstrate your friendship. All you can do is reassure her that you are simply going your own way with your wedding and your choices have nothing to do with how important she is to you.

There are other ways to honor your friendship. You could, for instance, ask her to be the witness who signs your marriage certificate, or you could include her in some aspect of your wedding plans.

Don't let your friend's enthusiasm make you feel uncomfortable about your plans. She may be so wrapped up in her own wedding experience that she can't imagine taking a different route. She'll come around; just don't let her enthusiasm bully you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:57 PM    <link>

MOTHER FEARS

Dear Elise,

When my mother offered to plan my wedding, she said tearfully, "I want to do this for you. I don't want [your stepmother] or anyone else to take it over." (There's some tension between my divorced parents, though both have agreed to be happy and pleasant on the day.) My mother is used to pushing, and I'm used to giving in; the bit of pushing I've done on wedding issues has been paid for in guilt, and more tears.

The issue at the moment is that I wanted some favors which appeared at first not to be available; my mother offered many alternatives I wasn't thrilled with, but I was willing to postpone the issue to make sure I'd get something, if not what I originally wanted, that would be unique and special. I happened to mention my favor search to my dad, who took down the name of what I wanted, and passed it on to my media-connected stepmother, who called the place, found that they would in fact do what I wanted (with some small alteration), and offered to take care of it for me. My stepmother has been interested in the wedding, is extremely well-informed on wedding details, wants to help, and I want her to help. I told her that would be great, and now I'm terrified to tell my mother. (My father and stepmother want to give a wedding brunch for me the day after -- this occasioned one of the other fun battles.) Any ideas?

- Mom's In Charge

Dear Mom's In Charge,

When one is training a puppy not to be food-aggressive, one is encouraged to take the dish of food away from the puppy at various times during a meal and then return it. Ideally, this practice will let the dog understand that s/he does not need to savagely guard his or her bowl because it will always be returned. Given your mother's tenacious guarding of your wedding, you might have done well to have gotten her used to the idea of some participation on the part of your father and his wife earlier. All is not lost, but brace yourself for a possible struggle. It won't hurt her to be challenged a bit.

You will probably be best off approaching your mother directly and honestly and telling her that your father's wife has ordered your favors for you and that you are pleased this could all work out. Let her know, of course, how much you appreciate all the work she did to come up with alternative favors, but your heart was really set on these. The key here is not to minimize her angst or her hard work.

Clearly, she is afraid that your stepmother will tread on her turf, take over and perhaps steal you from her. You will just have to reinforce how much you love her and appreciate her without caving to her demands. Sometimes parents need to be trained just as much as puppies and children do. Be loving and respectful, but don't back down.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:38 AM    <link>

GUEST LISTS AND OFFICES
2 SIDES OF THE COIN

Dear Elise:

I work in a smallish office (about 50 people). Because our office is so small and tight-knit, word got out very quickly about my getting married and everyone has assumed they're coming to the wedding and reception.

I've done all I can to emphasize subtly that invites may not be forthcoming ("it's going to be very small"), and not talk much about the wedding at all. I would like to invite our office's director, as she is my mentor.

Is there a polite way not to invite the people you work with? There are some I would like to invite more than others, but I realize it would be tactless to do so.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Co-Worker Conundrum

Hi,

We have a new manager who used to be a co-worker. I am quite new in the department and she worked alongside other staff for longer than she did with me, and became quite friendly with a few of them before she got promoted.

She is now getting married, and has invited those staff she was most friendly with to the wedding.

I honestly don't mind not going, and I'm not the only one being left out, but from her point of view, do you think she'd have been wiser either inviting all the staff, or none?

Yours curiously,

Queasy Co-worker

Dear Conundrum and Queasy,

Do these questions give you middle school flashbacks? There are precious few who can look back and not remember being unpleasantly privy to parties to which they weren't invited. The difference now is that everyone is grown up and presumably less inclined to gloat and act smug because very few folks have always been in with the in-crowd.

Just because workplace dynamics often resemble those from cafeteria days doesn't mean one must stoop to them. The easiest way to limit hurt feelings is to refrain as best you can from discussing the wedding at the office, unless you are inviting everyone.

As far as nagging questions about the guest list go, keep repeating the words that Conundrum, you, are already sick of saying: "It is going to be a small wedding." It is impertinent in the first place to invite oneself to a wedding and any coworker who does it deserves that classic non-answer that usually translates as: "I am not inviting you." Don't let anyone try to weasel actual numbers out of you. It's none of their business.

Of course, the easiest way to include some people and not others is to invite discreet groups or only one's immediate colleagues. If this is not possible, it is still reasonable to invite whomever one wants, but discretion is key. It may become necessary to gently warn potential guests to be mum about the festivities in the office.

Queasy, your problem seems to come not from the fact that you (and others) were not invited to your manager's wedding, but from the way the nuptials are being flaunted. This is the real problem, and if your manager and her friends can't get it together to hush up and stop making people feel excluded, you'll just have to change the subject. She isn't being exclusionary for only inviting her close friends, but to be ostentatious about it can only hurt feelings, and why should you care about the details of a party to which you have not been invited?

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:48 PM    <link>

GUESTS TO SHOWER BUT NOT TO WEDDING

Dear Elise,

I'm having a destination wedding with immediate family and a few close friends and plan to have a party locally 2 months after the wedding.

One of the friends coming to the wedding wants to throw me a bridal shower. Question is: can you invite people to the shower that are not invited to the wedding?

Thanks!

- Traveling Bride

Dear Traveling,

I do not recommend this course of action. It is extremely unwise to have people to a bridal shower who will not be invited to the wedding.

I've talked quite a lot about showers on these pages and it inevitably comes down to this: showers are parties that require presents. To have a bunch of people to one's shower and then not invite them to the ensuing wedding can make one seem a little thoughtless or unhappily acquisitive. Even with an after-the-fact party in the works, you run the risk of making your guests feel taken advantage of.

There is nothing wrong with your friends throwing a more general, nameless party for you. As long as the word "shower" doesn't appear anywhere, no one could complain and you can have your bash without worry.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:20 PM    <link>

KEEPING PRAYER PRIVATE

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I had very different religious upbringings - he was raised going to church, and I was not. We have worked those differences out, and we each respect the others' viewpoint, and have worked to find common ground.

That said, he has a groomsman who has me a little concerned. Whenever we're out with him and his wife, he makes a large show of saying grace before eating. I think it's a charming practice when it is done quietly, but this is a full-blown, loud, sermon-on-the-mount production. Other patrons in the restaurant turn and stare.

My concern is that he'll try something like this at the rehearsal dinner. While I am polite about it, I have family members and friends who are non-Christians and will probably be offended by his presumptuousness, and they might very well let him know it. I don't want to make them uncomfortable, and I don't want him to be uncomfortable when/if the offended parties react.

Since my fiance and I are throwing the dinner, I was thinking we could avert this possible disaster by making a "welcome to our dinner" speech, and concluding it with, "Let's all take a moment and silently reflect on all our good fortunes. (Pause). Thanks, now dig in!"

Am I borrowing trouble? I believe everyone is entitled to his or her own practice of faith, but I don't want anyone's practices foisted onto my guests.

Help!!

- Prefers Peace

Dear Prefers,

Some feel it is both an entitlement and an imperative they foist their religious beliefs upon the people around them. It has been happening forever (Hollywood recently reminded us of the Crusades, for instance), and shows no signs of slowing down. This is, however, your wedding and you are entitled not to have to deal with someone thumping whichever Good Book is his in front of your guests who may not be the same sort of believers.

It would not be inappropriate or rude at all for you and your fiance to take matters into your own hands, do a welcome speech and then cue people to start eating. The trick here is to keep things moving along at such a clip as to prevent anyone from jumping into the breech. This fast talking technique, by the way, works for toasts, too. Silence makes people think they have to do something to fill it up.

You are not borrowing trouble by thinking about this. You would only be stirring the pot if you approached this fellow and made a specific request that he not say grace. You'll do best if you simply don't give this guy an opening and have a handy game plan for how you would graciously interrupt him should he start one of his sermons.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:39 PM    <link>

HURT STEPMOTHER
OR
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FOLLOW CUT-RATE ETIQUETTE ADVICE

Dear Elise,

My stepdaughter is getting married; her father and I have been married for 3 years

Her mother is paying for most of the wedding, however her father and I, and the groom's parents are also contributing.

She has listed her mother's name, her father's name and the groom's parents' names on the invitation. She was told (by the saleswoman at the stationery store) that since her father and I have not been married for very long, my name does not have to be on the invitation.

I agree that she didn't "have" to list my name, but felt I (and my marriage) deserve some respect. I never heard that it would "not be proper" etiquette if my name was included. I believe this was a decision to be left up to the couple.

I thought that we had a rather good relationship, however I am very hurt by this exclusion

I would appreciate you thoughts on this. What are you views?

Sincerely,

Baffled Stepmother

Dear Baffled,

The world is full of nitwits, running around making up nonsensical rules that only serve to create feelings of strife and confusion. I'm sorry your stepdaughter fell under the sway of one of them. The stationery saleswoman is a fool.

I apologize for being so blunt, but it is so hot here this summer and I really can't muster even strained patience for people who just go around spreading stupidity. Thank goodness your stepdaughter didn't encounter someone like this while seeking medical advice.

Really, it is up to the bride and groom how they choose to phrase invitations, but even the most traditional, most official arbiters of etiquette make provisions for complicated family structures, such as the one you describe. Frankly, even if you and your husband had never gotten married, you could still be included on this invitation, so the duration of your marriage is really quite beside the point.

You have not mentioned the possibility that your stepdaughter and her mother may have complicated and difficult feelings that they are unfortunately working out through the invitation. From here, it is impossible to tell whether your stepdaughter is just operating under an unfortunate influence (the stationery woman) or dealing with something else, but it would not be a bad thing for you and/or your husband to talk to her about it and just clear the air.

What is important here is less the invitation text- people will eventually throw them out and lose them- and more your relationship with your stepdaughter. Gently find out what's going on with her and try to find a way to soothe your hurt feelings. Weddings are emotional minefields and only way to navigate is to tread lightly but be honest.

I'm sorry you feel so hurt and uncomfortable. Your feelings are understandable but the future is infinitely more important than the invitation.


Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:54 AM    <link>

Home | IndieEtiquette | Kvetch | Links | IndieMom | Books | Essays | Interviews | Columns
Our Vow | Trousseau | Indieblog

Contact us | Press | Submissions | Email updates

Copyright 2008 Indiebride.com
Reproduction of material from any Indiebride pages without written permission is strictly prohibited.