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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Friday, September 30, 2005

WHERE DO WE BEGIN?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have been engaged for over a year now and our busy work schedules have not allotted enough time to sort through our remaining glitches, let alone plan for a wedding. We believe we're finally ready to sign the paper, but we're at a loss as far as what to do for a public ceremony. As far as he's concerned, he'd like to run off to some small town in Czech Republic and say our vows privately.

I agree with the idea, but I'm still drawn to the idea of having a public ceremony for the sake of our families and for my "rite of passage". But the only thing I want to be traditional is for my father to give me away and maybe to wear my mother's wedding dress (but we both want an informal family picnic, so that may not work). Otherwise I am an agnostic, independent woman with little creativity for coming up with my own meaningful ceremony (maybe it's just the pressure of pleasing everyone). Do you have any suggestions for a catalyst that may get those creative and please-all-guests juices going?

Thanks,
Torn at the wedding seams

Dear Torn,

Having to make decisions can be Hell. Any choice automatically limits other possibilities and the prospect of trying to get it all together can completely stymie even the most gung ho among us.

You know, of course, that you can choose to do anything as long as you have the handful of required wedding elements (someone to marry, a legal officiant, a marriage license, any other required paperwork). The rest is up to you and how creative you want to be. There can be incredibly romantic elopements and fabulous wedding extravaganzas, so you have to decide what works best for you, your fiance, your families and your finances.

Since there are no rules, I suggest you give yourself a few arbitrary guidelines. If you want to wear your mother's dress and have your father walk you to the altar, then seize those impulses. They will work in a backyard just as well as they will in a church. On the other hand, if thinking about the back yard wedding makes you desperate to catch a Prague-bound flight, then listen to your yen.

You don't need to be creative or please everyone. You can probably guess whose opinions you need to take into account and what you feel like doing. Just keep your eyes on the prize, which is not only the wedding, but the future you and your fiance will have together.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 3:23 PM    <link>

THANK YOUS FOR CASH

Dear Elise,

Should we wait to deposit checks until after the thank you notes for them have been sent, or is it better to deposit them sooner so as to make checkbook balancing easier for our guests?

Thanks.

- Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Yes! Both! E: All of the above!

Your question implies that there will be some sort of temporal difference between the cashing of the checks and the sending of the thank you notes. There shouldn't be one, and there is the solution to your quandary.

It shouldn't take much longer to write a quick card than it does to fill out a deposit slip, and it would be a cinch to drop your missive in one of the mailboxes that tend to lurk around financial institutions.

Left to fester, thank you notes loom so large that they become a monstrously unwieldy project. Take care of them one at a time; get them out of your house as soon as possible, and then you don't have to worry about the niceties of timing.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:33 PM    <link>

THE OTHER SIDE OF KID LIMITS

Dear Elise,

My brother is turning 50, and my sister-in-law and her daughter are throwing him a surprise party. They are inviting the immediate family but also stating that it is a 16+ party and have decided not to invite my children who are 14 and 11. They will, however be inviting my other brothers children who are 16 and 18.

So, the whole immediate family is going to be there- including my Mom and Dad- except for my two children. Now I always thought there were exceptions for immediate family and also thought it was proper etiquette that if you are going to invite the immediate family that you invite the whole immediate family. According to my sister-in-law, no other children are going to be there under the age of 16. My husband is upset because he does not understand this rule, and neither do I. My parents are upset over this as well. What do you think my choices should be in your opinion?

Thank you

- A Lot of Unpleasantness

Dear A Lot,

Surprise parties always bring out the worst in people. The disorganized become more so. Organized individuals tend to develop temporary Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and keeping the whole business secret taxes everyone.

So, you've got some weirdness going on about these invitations, but there is precious little you can do to change the state of things. Your sister-in-law seems to want to invoke one of the accepted ways to limit children at an event. (These usually are, in no particular order: only invite children of close family; in the case of weddings, only invite children in the wedding party; or have an age cut-off.) The glaring problem with her method is that her rule feels a little divisive.

The trouble is, children of immediate family (the key word being "immediate") tend to be exceptions to rules, as in: "only children of immediate family members are invited." You don't mention whether or not she is permitting other children (non-family members) to attend, but if that is the case, I do understand your frustration. This bit of advice is something your sister-in-law should here, but I offer it anyway: it is important, when considering kid limits, not to create situations where you seem overly bureaucratic, rigid, and exclusionary.

But you asked for help for yourself. There is nothing you can do, short of boycotting the party, which I suspect is not really a choice you want to make. Unfortunately, your sister-in-law is in charge of the guest list and has made firm decisions about what she wants to do. If you go, smile and be happy for your brother, regardless of his wife's behavior.

Your best bet is to go to the party with your husband, and after the fact, when all the confetti has been vacuumed up and your brother's wife has had a chance to calm down, you can talk to her about how you felt your children were excluded, but until then, you're stuck. If you kids want to be part of a birthday celebration, perhaps you could invite your brother (and his wife) over for a birthday dinner with your children. Kill the wife with kindness and let her see first hand how foolish her decision was.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:32 PM    <link>

"JUST" CHICKEN?

Dear Elise-

I have a question regarding the menu selection for my reception. Would it be considered cheap for me to just offer chicken entrees?

My fiance and I recently stopped by the reception hall we're using for our wedding and we learned they are now offering a chocolate fountain, which we both fell in love with. Include it would cost a lot more and I realized that if we offered chicken rather than beef, we would save enough money to make chocolate fountain affordable.

I found an article in a wedding magazine that described one couple's wedding in which they mentioned that the main entree was chicken. If they could do it and have such a beautiful wedding, why can't I? But I have also heard negative comments about serving only chicken and no beef option. Personally I think something like a chocolate fountain would surely make up for the lack of beef, but some people might feel differently. What do you think? Would I be perceived as being "cheap" by offering a chicken entree?

Sincerely,

Menu Muddled

Dear Menu,

You know what they say about its being your party? Well it is, and you can plan pretty much any menu you like, as long as you make an effort for the food to be generally accessible. There are so many dietary issues to take into account now that one would lose one's mind trying to cater to each potential problem, sensitivity, allergy, and political lobby.

Chicken is the diplomat of reception entrees, paving a little path of acceptability between the more radical choices of meat (which some avoid for all kinds of reasons: they're on a diet, their blood pressure is too high, they won't eat red meat, they are opposed to the beef industry, "e" all of the above) and fish (some people just hate it, others will list the political issues with serving certain swimmers, etc.). But what you may want to consider is having a good assortment of side dishes, salad, bread, that sort of thing, to accommodate any vegetarians you have in your midst.

What is important is not that you fulfill everyone's deepest food fantasies, but that you provide something tasty for your guests that can accommodate some of the most widely held food issues (assuming you haven't been cautioned about deadly allergies and whatnot). You aren't doing anything rude by not permitting a choice.

Someone may say something about this decision of yours, but then again, someone may say something about anything. Know that you are not doing anything mean or radical, as long as you give people tasty side dish options, you can have a wonderful time with your chocolate fountain.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:29 PM    <link>

HARD FAMILY
2 Questions

Dear Elise,

My fiance's parents refuse to meet me. He does not wish to invite them to the wedding, I think that they should at least have the choice to attend or not. How should I invite them, or should I leave well enough alone?

- Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,

Plotting your guest list is going to feel like trying to predict your opponent's moves in chess. Your future in-laws are engaging you and your fiance in a silent battle, and the two of you must decide how you want to play them.

At bottom, you have nothing to lose from inviting your fiance's parents. If they come, you have been warm and generous, offering a seat to people who have never been friendly, and they may be humbled enough to begin communicating with you. They may turn out to be unbearable, but if they are, you'll be meeting them on a day when you will be otherwise happy and distracted and then you can go back to ignoring each other. On the other hand, if they don't come, you'll have taken the high road and will be on record for having done everything you could.

Either way you can't lose, and even the tiniest gestures you make towards them will put a shine on your halo.

I'm sorry you're faced with these folks.

Congratulations.

Elise

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I are very much in love. He's 54; I'm 47. His wife died three years ago, and until he met me this past spring he was very lonely. He is a wonderful person.

His daughter is 28 and has been living with her fiance in their own home for two years, but when she visited her father's house, I had to stay away in order not to upset her.

She just got married and intentionally excluded me, even after talking about the wedding plans in front of me. Her father was extremely generous and paid for an extravagant wedding. He wanted me to be there as his partner, and appealed to his daughter, but she was adamant that I not be there. We decided that I would forever be to blame if the wedding wasn't perfect, so I did not attend. This outcome hurt my boyfriend and me a great deal.

What do you think of the situation?

Thank you,

Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

I can see why you're sad. You were in a lousy situation and you and your boyfriend were entirely gracious when many would indulge in tantrums or other creatively extreme behavior.

It would have been a nice, welcoming gesture for your boyfriend's daughter to have invited you directly, or allowed her father to bring a companion to her wedding, but there may have been a lot of factors at play. You and your boyfriend share something substantial, but to his daughter you are still someone he has only known for only a matter of months. Perhaps she was concerned that the presence of the new woman in his life at her nuptials would overshadow the memory of her mother. So many things could have been going on in your boyfriend's daughter's mind that you would do best to try not to speculate too much. Chances are, her behavior had little to do with you, personally, and more to do with you as a symbol of her father's life without her mother.

So, what should you do now? You are on record for having accommodated her wishes at her wedding, but you and your boyfriend should not allow her to bully you further. Present a united front and don't let her shut you out. Her wedding was one thing, but now that it is over, everyone needs to get on with the business of living.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:30 PM    <link>

SHOOTING EVERYONE

Dear Elise,

Our photographer has suggested that she follow my future husband and me as we greet our guests at each table during dinner at the reception and photograph us with each group. She thinks this would be a good way to make sure we get pictures of everyone.

We expect to have approximately 220 guests, divided among tables of 8 in two separate dining rooms. Although I like the idea of having a photograph of us with each of our guests, I am concerned that some guests may not want to be photographed at all, or may be uncomfortable doing this during their meal (for fear of having food in their teeth, or something). I also fear that having a flash go off every few minutes throughout dinner will be distracting or annoying to our guests. By the way, the timeline of our reception will not allow for something like this at another point during the reception.

My mother and my fiance both like the idea of a photo with each table, though they acknowledge my concerns. I would very much appreciate your thoughts on this matter!

Many thanks,
Camera Shy

Dear Camera,

This is not really a problem of etiquette. Generally speaking, when people attend a wedding, they should expect to find themselves captured in a snapshot or two, at least. This is especially the case today, with the trend towards having photographers who combine formal pictures with photojournalistic-style shots.

No matter what you do, you can be assured that a number of guests will not want to be photographed, and they will no doubt let you know this by barking and covering their faces in such a way that makes them look about ten times more ridiculous than any snapshot would. Some people will do anything for attention. Just smile sweetly and let them know that they don't need to be captured for posterity.

Now, you can absolutely opt for the table-by-table plan, or you may simply not care for your photographer's idea and prefer more varied images of your guests. If that is the case, tell her that you'd rather something different. (If you need inspiration, there are a lot of wedding photographers who have websites featuring samples of their work that you can look at, refer to when discussing your plans with your photographer).

Don't worry about your guests. The only way you can offend them with a camera is if you bully them. Beyond that, say what you want and check your teeth for lipstick.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:03 AM    <link>

BRIDESMAID DRESS GOES ANOTHER ROUND?

Dear Elise,

My two best friends have had destination weddings this summer, another friend is getting married in January and I'm planning a wedding for February. All the traveling and festivities has been a strain on my finances. I have a pretty small budget for my wedding but lots of creative ideas to compensate.

I'm thinking about asking one my girlfriends (who was married this summer) if I can use the same bridesmaid dresses for my wedding. We have always had similar tastes, style, and friends. I know the ladies doing double (sometimes triple) duty as bridesmaids this year would appreciate getting a second wear out of these designer dresses. Am I being totally unoriginal and cheap? Should I even ask her? What would be the best way to go about asking her?

Many thanks,
Sassy Saver

Dear Sassy,

Hypersensitivity runs rampant when it comes to bridesmaids. Even the word "bridesmaid" seems to have a destabilizing effect that makes friends turn on one another and bring strife and discord. Keep this in mind when you wade into these waters. This warning is not at all meant to deter you from asking your friend about reusing the dresses from her wedding for yours, but it will be important to keep in mind how potentially delicate the situation is. Tread lightly and be prepared to have to pick new dresses.

A lot will depend on your friend, of course. Is she the kind of person who cares deeply about her wedding design and who has been very protective of her plans? If so, she may not welcome your idea. On the other hand, she may be happy and flattered that you like the dresses she picked enough to include them in your wedding and pleased that her friends can save some money.

Take stock of the dress and try to think about how it would work in the context of your wedding. The weather will be different and perhaps you have ideas about accessories that would make each outfit distinct. When you talk to your friend, describe these ideas to her. Many women feel anxious that their friends (and relatives) not copy their wedding plans, and if you reassure her that you will do your best not to recall your friend's nuptials when you repurpose the dresses, she may not have any trouble with this plan at all.

It would be wonderful if your friend did go along with this scheme. More than temperament, the expenses of being a bridesmaid can really try friendships. If your friend resists your idea, try not to be too frustrated. Give yourself time to come up with a new plan, and good luck- I hope she goes for it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:41 PM    <link>

HOW TO DECLINE

Dear Elise,

We were invited to a formal wedding, which we are not able to attend. A response card was included. It has the line to fill in our names and another line followed by number of persons. Do we put a zero in that line?

Thanks,

Card Confusion

Dear Card Confusion,

Lingering behind the innocent practicality of the response card is a welter of irritated etiquette mavens. I'm not really knocking them, though. RSVP cards have the magic of practicality on their side: they tell people what to do. Without them, most potential guests wouldn't get it together to reply at all.

The response card that you received has a happy element of optimism, since it assumes an affirmative response. Now, in the most traditional of traditions, such cards would be unnecessary because guests would pull out a sheet of stationery and an envelope, compose a gentle note about whether or not they would attend the wedding, pop in the mail and that would be that.

In your case, writing a zero on the blank line won't help anyone. Your hosts will open an envelope and find only a card with a "0" on it and no names, which will confound them. This will surely result in a phone call a week or so past the RSVP date wondering what your intentions are.

The thing to do is to either send a note on a card of your own or write your regrets on the card that you received.

Offer no excuses, just be warm and brief and say that you won't be able to accept the kind invitation, and a word of congratulations would not be inappropriate.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:42 PM    <link>

NO SHOOTING!

Dear Elise,

Help! My fiance and I are planning a very small wedding and reception. We are footing most of the bill ourselves. Here's my problem: we have a very dear friend who is a wedding videographer, and he wants to shoot our wedding, for $750 dollars. That is 15% of our entire budget! As far as we're concerned, videography is not a necessity, but we also know a videographer in our area who would only charge $400 for the full day, so we might consider using her if we can afford it.

We've tried telling him that we want him to concentrate on being a part of our special day as a friend, but he says he loves shooting friends' weddings. We've tried saying that there is no room for videography in our budget, and he says that his "friend rate" is extremely reasonable. I'm at the end of my rope here. Please help me figure out how to turn him down so there is no question that he will not be shooting our wedding, and that someone else possibly will, without stepping on his feelings.

Thanks,
Keep Your Camera to Yourself

Dear Camera,

Friends with services to sell often find themselves in uncomfortable predicaments when it comes to weddings. Either they would prefer being "civilian" guests and not having to work or they are so eager to work that they don't realize their friends' reluctance to hire them, as is your situation.

If you truly don't want your friend to show up with his camera, you can't soft-soap him at all. Tell him that you are grateful for his offer, but that you simply do not want to have any of your friends working at your wedding. Reassure him that your friendship is too important to you for it to be damaged by any misunderstandings of a financial or aesthetic nature.

Whatever you do, do not say you'll "think about it" or you "haven't decided yet." Politely decline his offer every time he brings it up and refuse to waffle. This should preserve everyone's feelings. He may continue to push, but all you have to do is continue to graciously say "no." The first time is hard, but it gets easier.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:14 AM    <link>

JOB QUALIFICATIONS

Hi Elise,

I am planning a wedding and I am wondering if my bridal consultant should be a man or women and the benefits of each? Have their been any articles or messages of having a male coordinator over a women? We interviewed 3 women consultants and 1 male and we seem to like the guy better. Friends are skeptical about a male event planner? Help.

Picking a Planner

Dear Picking,

Sexism in the wedding industry? Say it isn't so! While this isn't quite a question of etiquette, you would do well to consider why your friends would be so uncomfortable with a man in that role. You might also wonder why your friends would care. There are plenty of men out in the world with exquisite taste. Do your friends think that the female of the species are the only ones whose opinion on flowers and table settings matter? A roaring crowd of designers would beg to differ.

You want someone who will help you design your nuptials, who has good instincts, good resources and understands your sensibilities. It doesn't matter what gender this person is. If you like the guy, the best man won.

Friends can be well intentioned and misguided all the time. Ignore them.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:52 AM    <link>

WHO PAYS?

Dear Elise,

My ex-boyfriend, with whom I am still friendly, has asked me to attend an out-of-state wedding as his date. The wedding is for his uncle, whom I have never met. In order to attend, I will have to fly cross-country. Is it his responsibility or mine to pay for the flight? Thanks!

- Expenses Paid?

Dear Expenses,

The whole question of whether or not to go dutch on dates has been made murky over the ages. People are always ready to turn this into a question of feminism or capitalism, age or beauty, privilege or commerce. It is reasonable that you would be caught up in this muddle.

Regardless of your past romantic attachment, I think your ex-boyfriend should pay for your plane ticket. He is inviting you to this wedding as his date, and should assume this expense, which is substantial. Your non-traditional question actually has a rather traditional response. This is a classic etiquette situation, and the best policy generally is for the person who does the inviting to pay for the invitee. While this practice has rightly become rather relaxed, your situation shows why the spirit of the tradition can still be vital. You won't know anyone. This isn't your family. You are going along as a happy companion, a guest of your ex. This isn't a gender question, either. When your second cousin has a destination wedding in some tropical paradise, you can pay for your ex's ticket.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:54 PM    <link>

BREAKING THE NEWS

Elise,

I need some advice on how to tell my sister I would like her to be a bridesmaid, not my maid of honor.

I was married before, and for that wedding I asked my sister to be my maid of honor, even though I really wanted my best friend to stand up with me. My sister feels the position is hers automatically, but I have already asked my best friend to do the honors. Now, I have to let my sister know that while I want her to be a bridesmaid, I don't want her to be my maid of honor. My sister is very emotional and all about her and what she wants. I know no matter how nicely I tell her she will be mad. I guess I'm looking for the best way to let her know so I'll feel good about the way I did it.

Any advice?

Made Up My Mind

Dear Made Up,

This is a problem of family, not of etiquette, so there is no trusted methodology that applies.

Approach your sister directly and don't soft-soap your decision. Tell her how much you love her and want her to be part of your wedding party, but explain that you've decided to ask someone else to be your maid of honor. You don't need to come up with awkward excuses that she might not believe, but if you genuinely feel that your friend is more accessible and has more time for maid of honor duties, you can say that you didn't want to burden your sister with all of these obligations a second time.

Brace yourself for her anger, and try not to get defensive if she lashes out. All you can do is keep reassuring her that you love her and you want to include her, but this is the way you've decided to do things. Do not encourage any negotiation.

Be loving but firm and know that you may have to take a few hits before your sister comes around.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:04 PM    <link>

"S" IS FOR SMARTYPANTS

Dear Elise,

My husband and I sent out rehearsal dinner invites with a response card for our guest to choose their entree.

On the invitation we sent to the bride's sister, we listed her name first on the envelope and her boyfriend's name was beneath hers. (We didn't want to assume they were living together, but also wanted them to know he was invited as well.)

We just received their RSVP card 3 weeks after the date we asked for the response with a note to put the boyfriend's name before hers since "that would be the proper way". I'm sure this issue will come up at the Rehearsal Dinner. Please advise if we made an error or if she is being sister bridezilla.

Thanks

Agitated

Dear Agitated,

Practice some Zen breathing and get ready to bite your tongue. Your future daughter-in-law's sister appears to have spent too much time in "Bizarro" universe where being a petty know-it-all makes one appealing.

Your question contains several strata, so permit me to excavate the levels of rudeness. In the first place, the bride's sister was in error for sending in her R.s.v.p. so late, but I'm sure you wouldn't scold her for that. People get busy and misplace things like response cards, after all.
Secondly, her information was completely wrong. The traditional, way to address envelopes to unmarried couples is to use what some feel is an antiquated "lady's first" set up. And if she is disinclined to believe a young upstart such as myself, allow me to slap her with a quote from the venerable Emily Post's daughter-in-law, Peggy: "Invitations to an unmarried couple are addressed to Ms. Mary French and Mr. John Burns, with each name appearing on separate lines."

But I've saved her greatest sin for last, because it is here that this woman reveals how deeply misinformed she is. It is completely rude, and really never appropriate, to correct the manners of one's host. There are gentle, inoffensive ways of correcting all sorts of mistakes, from name spelling to name format, but it was clearly not the bride's sister's intent to fix an error that was making her uncomfortable (a misspelled name, for instance). Something made her decide to indulge her temper, but etiquette should never have been her weapon of choice.

Now that you know you're in the right on all fronts, don't engage her in battle. Should she try to correct you at the dinner (which would be unfortunate since surely there will be other happier things to discuss) you can gently tell her that your format is correct in terms of tradition, and ask her why she feels so strongly that her boyfriend be named first.

That ought to do the trick.

Remember, no fighting and have a wonderful time.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:09 PM    <link>

RUDENESS AND ETHICS AND SHOWERS

Dear Elise,

IS IT ETHICAL TO INVITE A PERSON TO THE BRIDAL SHOWER AND NOT TO THE WEDDING?

- Angry


Dear Angry,

You're shouting, so I suppose I can tell which side of the fence you're on. Generally, etiquette is a rather gentle study, somewhat distant from the heavy artillery one finds in, say, the work of Immanuel Kant.

But even if we reduce the hyperbole somewhat, you are right. It really is unfair to invite someone to a wedding shower and not to the wedding. I write about this a lot, so forgive the repetition. The reason it is unpleasant to do this is that since showers require presents, inviting someone only to the lesser event and not to the larger celebration implies that one is only interested in the present, not the friend. This behavior can be interpreted as greedy at worst, and rather thoughtless at best.

If you find yourself in this position, there is no point in trying to correct your hosts or the bride. It is, itself, a breech of manners to try to correct the behavior of your peers, just as it isn't fair to interrupt a friend's story to correct his or her grammar. The one real course of action you have at your disposal, if you want to make your point, is to politely decline the shower invitation. You don't have to go to any parties or buy any presents.

I'm sorry if you felt bad, but take comfort in having a few open slots on your dance card on the shower and wedding days.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:48 PM    <link>

ONE CARD, MANY MESSAGES

Hi Elise,

I always send holiday cards to my friends and family. My question is this: can I kill two birds with one stamp and include save-the-date information for my Oct 06 wedding in this year's holiday card? Or is it in bad form to do anything but send holiday greetings in a holiday card?

Thanks,

Ms. Claus

Dear Ms. Claus,

I've seen this question before, but never before Columbus Day. I'm impressed with your efficiency.

There is nothing wrong with combining your holiday and save the date cards. Some people worry that perhaps their friends and family will snark at them for making the holidays all about their nuptials. That is rather Grinchy behavior, and can be best handled with a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way."

The bigger issue is whether you want your guests to retain your save the date information. This is the real threat. Holiday cards tend to be decorative and disposable. Family and friends tend to be flakey and spaced out from holiday parties and seasonal insanity and might not save your wedding information if you bundle it in with your season's greetings. Then again, you may have guest list of singularly competent people.

It all depends on what your needs are. If you are planning a complicated destination wedding for which guests need to make plans months in advance, you may want to do a separate mailing. If you feel more casual about making your plans known, you should go ahead with your plans.

No one should be offended no matter what you decide to do. The choice for you is all about information delivery.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:55 PM    <link>

OFFICIANT ISSUES
2 Questions of Many Parts- Some About Etiquette, Some About Money

Dear Elise,

My husband has gotten his clergy license and we are having a hard time learning what is expected of wedding officiants. I know they preside over the rehearsal (taking the wedding couple's wishes into account), and of course do MC duty while performing the official acts during the wedding.

My questions are about the rehearsal dinner and reception. If we are personal friends of the couple or they are members of our church, I understand we should participate as any other guest. Is this correct, or is there more involved? If my husband is just being hired, he and I are still usually invited to both events, where we are completely ill at ease and strangers to most if not all of the attendees. We always feel like the couple felt compelled to issue the invitation, and we realize that they are stuck paying for two guests that they don't know. Can we politely bow out of one or both of these events? Also, in situations where we don't really know the couple are we expected to give a gift? Should my husband charge a fee or is it truly an honorarium (our church does not have a fee schedule)?

- The Minister's Wife

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I will be getting married in a Catholic church in New York City. We are aware of the fee for the church and the organist, and would also like to give the officiating priest an honorarium, but don't have any idea what is an acceptable amount. We don't want to ask the priest directly, and the church secretary was unable to give any guidelines. Do you have some sort of suggested formula?

Thank you.

- Honorarium Confusion

Dear Minister's Wife and Honorarium Confusion,

These questions are so broad that it is almost surprising there aren't real answers. Officiant issues vary widely depending on region, religion, venue and custom, so I am not really in a position to make broad declarations. In addition, I should say that etiquette only provides a few extremely general guidelines for how the officiant should be included in the events.

As for the uncomfortable question of fees, Minister's Wife, the best thing to do is to talk to other ministers in your church or similar churches in your region and see what they do. Both of you are probably aware that some churches charge a fee while others merely suggest an honorarium. Some couples who have sought extensive guidance from a minister may want to give more and some officiants, feeling uncomfortable with accepting money, may prefer a donation to the church. In this case, everything depends on who you are, where you are and what your church does.

Making matters worse, there is no stated formula for what a reasonable honorarium is. Even the venerable and practical Weddings for Dummies, which has a long list of amounts for suggested gratuities, does not say anything specific about honorariums for officiants. (Though I should say that it tends to advise tipping approximately 20% for services, generally.) It is appropriate that you give something, but the only sure way to figure out what you should offer is, again, to talk to people who work at your church, or a similar one in your area and other parishioners.

As for the social questions, it is always gracious to invite the officiant and his or her spouse to the festivities following the rehearsal and to the wedding reception, but their attendance isn't mandatory. Minister's Wife, you and your husband can always politely decline. As for your question of a wedding present, again, this depends on how well you know the couple, but even if you decide not to give a gift, which is your prerogative, you could send a quick note of congratulations that also thanks the bride and groom for including you in such an important event.

I am sorry that I can't supply the hard facts you're looking for, but you're best off looking for this information in your own backyards. This is a "when in Rome" situation, if there ever was one.

Cheers and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:01 PM    <link>

MUSICAL COMPENSATION?

Dear Elise,

Karen (a sister of a good friend of my fiance) plays the cello very well, and my fiance asked her to play at our ceremony. According to Steve, when he asked her (over a few beers), she responded that she would be very honored and that we could back out at any time if we instead decided to use "a professional". Steve says he was going to mention compensation, but thought she might be offended if we offered to pay her. So far we haven't mentioned compensation again.

We asked her to play two pieces, but we left the choice of music up to her, preferring to let her play what she already knows and enjoys playing. When we met with her to go over music choices, she suggested a piece for the processional, and then suggested that a guitarist friend of hers join her for the recessional because she couldn't find a solo cello piece that would be upbeat enough to provide that happy atmosphere. That sounded great to us, but that brings up the compensation question.

Clearly, because her guitarist-friend isn't a close friend of ours, we would want to compensate him for his efforts. My idea was to find out what the going rate for these things is and pay them both. Steve still thinks she might be insulted if we pay her. Karen is a good friend of his family and her brother will be at the wedding. We've also invited her and her boyfriend to the reception, although we wouldn't have if she weren't playing at the ceremony. So my questions are: 1) Do we offer them both money, and if so how much (as she'll be playing two songs while the guitarist-friend will only be playing one), and 2) should we also invite the guitarist-friend to the reception?

Thanks!

- Musical Murk

Dear Musical,

There is nothing wrong with mentioning the unmentionable in a situation such as yours. The only way to avoid a squirmy encounter is to be direct and hope that everyone will respond in kind. When you speak with Karen, tell her that you'd like to compensate her and her guitarist friend. Her response will help you figure out what to do.

If she demurs, but says that her friend would be grateful for the money, you can pay him and give her a present. This lets you show how much you appreciate her while not embarrassing her with cash.

If she is emphatic that you not pay either of them, you could give them each presents (books, wine, or something music related are a few things that come to mind for people you don't know so well).

Finally, one should always feed one's musicians and it would be even more gracious for you to include the guitarist in your reception. Since he will have a friend there in Karen, you don't have to worry about him being lonely and it would be a wonderful gesture, especially if he declines payment.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:27 PM    <link>

OBJECT LESSON: THE IMPORTANCE OF GIVING STRAIGHT ANSWERS

Hi Elise,

A friend of mine is getting married soon. Back in June, I emailed him asking what the exact date of the wedding was so I could be sure to get time off from work. OK, I realize that this was probably a huge faux pas, but I have known him for 15 years, and I assumed that if he did not wish to invite me, he would tell me. I completely understand the delicate politics of wedding guest lists, and had he replied: "We’re having a small ceremony and I am not able to invite all of my friends" I would have sent him a gift and never given it a second thought.

For two months he did not reply to my email, and I assumed that I was not to expect an invitation. In mid-August he replied, apologized for the delayed response, said he was excited I could make it, and asked for my address so he could mail the invitation. I bought two (expensive, cross-country) plane tickets for my partner and myself the next day.

I have yet to receive any further information from him. I asked another friend if he had received his invitation yet. To my total horror and embarrassment, he told me that he had received an invitation over six weeks ago! He then forwarded a series of emails to me that the groom had sent to out-of-town guests detailing locations of hotels, itineraries, etc. All emails were dated at least a week before he wrote to me asking for my address.

I don't mind being on the "B" list, knowing that I was invited only after someone on the “A” list declined, but now I’m worried that there will be no invitation at all. My friend, the groom, is notorious for being unable to say "no". My fear is that he promised an invitation only because he felt guilty. Maybe the bride put a moratorium on guests and he is too embarrassed to tell me. Maybe he never intended to invite me and waited until mid-August to reply, thinking that I would be unable to get time off from work at such late notice. Or maybe the invitation just got lost in the mail, or will be in my mailbox tonight, or he just completely forgot to send it out in all the chaos leading up to the big event.

I have no idea how I should proceed from here. Do I contact the groom and let him know that the invitation was never received? Do I call the airline and cancel my flight? Help!

- Muddled

Dear Muddled,

Oh, oh. This really is a cringy situation and it is lousy that you find yourself in the middle of things.

The quick short answer is that you should probably take the high road and cancel your flights or change the tickets for a different trip.

You have a spineless friend, which ordinarily probably provides you with some amusement and intrigue, but right now his handicap is your liability. While you scold yourself for committing an etiquette "faux pas," you did so in such a way that he had an out. You are completely right that all he had to do was invoke the code of the uninvited and say: "I'm sorry we're having a really small wedding," and you would have known to sit tight. Instead, he has led you on and now you are afraid to say anything to him for fear of making a tangled issue into something you'll never unravel.

If he truly can't say "no," your best bet is to extract yourself from the situation as quickly as possible. It's very annoying, but you simply can't trust this guy and you don't need to make yourself any more uncomfortable by asking more questions he won't be able to answer honestly. If you're on the list, rest assured, someone from his camp will track you down for your R.s.v.p.

I'm truly sorry your friend is so awkward and ham-fisted, but here is your chance to be gracious and sit this one out.

Have a good time without him, and, yes, his inability to deal with you gracefully is annoying.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:01 PM    <link>

LEARNING TO SHARE

Dear Elise,

My folks are being incredibly generous and paying for our entire wedding. They aren't being too controlling and have gone along with many of our wishes even though rather "indie," and the process is going well, except that we have encountered one problem. My mother has now begun to refer to this as "her" wedding, which doesn't bother me except she means this as a way of saying that she won't let my future mother-in-law help with anything.

My fiance and I can do things, my immediate family can do things, but my mother-in-law (who has an unmarried daughter of her own) is not allowed to help at all. My mother says this as how mothers-in-law are supposed to comport themselves, which is what she did when my brother was married. I feel my mother is being selfish, and that even though she is paying for this wedding, she ought to be somewhat more generous and allow my fiance's mother to participate in what is her child's wedding as well. I have told her this point blank, but she is unfazed even by being called selfish. Any thoughts on how I can find tasks for my mother-in-law-to-be? Shall I just make a big deal of the rehearsal dinner that is hers to plan?

Thanks,

Ready to be Finished

Dear Ready,

Weddings make people territorial in ways that can be quite amazing. Try to think about your mother's refusal to share with your future mother-in-law as a fascinating example of primate behavior. Your mother is probably not trying to be rude so much as she is protecting her turf and celebrating her daughter.

Your mother may also be operating under the assumption that there is only one way of doing things, and it is true that, if you look back at wedding traditions, the bride's family really does take care of almost everything related to the wedding. A quick glance at even the most recent edition of Emily Post's book of Etiquette shows that the groom and his family really only takes care of a small set of expenses for the groom's attendants, the officiant's fee, the marriage license, the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon. Now, of course, that tradition is among the first to get tossed out the window. Expenses get spread all over the place and wedding couples often pick up most of the tab and make decisions for themselves.

Has your fiance's mother expressed any distress about not participating enough in the wedding planning? If not, perhaps she is happy with the so-called "traditional" arrangement, and plans to exert all her entertaining energies on the rehearsal dinner. If, on the other hand, she is truly upset that she is not being allowed to participate, perhaps you can come up with one or two small things that your future mother-in-law could handle. Present these to your mother and tell her that, in the interests of making your fiance's mother happy and comfortable you need to let her participate a little bit, and then ask her to choose one of the elements on your list to pass on to your future mother-in-law. This will give her some control over the situation, and it will also reassure her that no one is trying to take over "her" event.

I know you feel uncomfortable, but the ticket here is to figure out first if there really is a problem. Only then can you take steps to find a way of including your fiance's mother.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:31 PM    <link>

INVITING THE BLACK SHEEP

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a wedding for next summer. My fiance was not close to his father (now dead) and doesn't have much to do with that side of the family. He is pretty firm on not wanting to invite them to the wedding.

This seems just plain rude. I've met most of them, and they are nice enough, if a little dysfunctional. On the other hand, I don't relish the image of my fiance's ex-con cousin talking to my prim, proper, rather judgmental mother. Nice or not, there are certain things upper-middle class parents just can't stomach.

There are many class differences between my fiance's family and mine. My parents had a hard enough time accepting my fiance, just because he's not a member of any church and didn't go to college and I worry that this part of his family would send them over the edge. However, my mother is a stickler for etiquette rules herself, and would probably be horrified if I told her we had categorically not invited this side of the family.

Complicating matters is the fact that a few months ago, one of my fiance's aunts gave him a few hundred dollars from the sale of some property, telling him it was for the wedding. Having accepted that money, I feel we are now more obligated than ever to invite them. Also, they live in the area, so inviting them and hoping they don't come isn't an option.

I am torn between the principle of etiquette and the reality of my fiance's feelings. Is there any way to come out of this without hurting people or making others uncomfortable? And if my fiance sticks to his guns on not inviting this side, how can I handle this in a way that lets all parties keep their dignity?

Signed,

Head in the Sand

Dear Head In Sand,

Etiquette is peculiar on the topic of guest lists and you don't say which rule you are most concerned about offending. As a general matter, the easiest way to preserve people's feelings is to be consistent. If you invite your aunts and uncles, it would be wise to include your fiance's corresponding relatives. If you are not inviting your cousins, you don't need to worry about including his. Arbitrary limits are reasonable. If your fiance is inviting his mother's siblings, it would be harsh for him not to include his aunts and uncles from his father's side.

But you seem worried about class issues. Etiquette has a bad reputation for being something only snobs care about. Actually, in its Platonic form, etiquette serves not to estrange classes but equalize them within the confines of an event. If your mother is a stickler for manners, she would surely be as gracious towards your fiance's cousin as she would to one of your friends who had not spent time in the clink. If the two families don't mix well, there is nothing you can do about it beyond setting an inclusive, generous and lively tone yourself.

What you should do is establish why your fiance does not want his relatives around. If he is afraid of them being somehow abusive or violent, that is one thing, and reason enough to exclude them. But if he is merely worried that your family might not like them, it would be unfortunate not to include them, especially since some have been exceptionally generous such as his aunt.

A wedding offers many opportunities to make people happy, and inviting a few of your fiance's relatives might go a long way to keeping the peace and maintaining connections that you might really appreciate in the future. What do you gain by leaving them out? Unless he has strong reasons not to, why doesn't your fiance give at least some of his folks the benefit of the doubt?

As for your family, even if they are surprised by his relatives, surely they would treat them gently. Remember, a wedding is something you have to live with for months, but the actual event is a mere handful of hours and your guests can surely handle a little strangeness for such a short period of time.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:05 PM    <link>

MATRON IN TRANSITION

Dear Elise,

My Sister is going to be my "person" of honor in my wedding, she is currently married, but going through a divorce. I don't know if the divorce will be final or not by my wedding date. My question is this, is she a Maid of Honor or a Matron of Honor? Would it be considered improper to label her Maid of Honor on our programs if she is no longer with her husband?

Thank you,
Maid or Matron?

Dear M or M,

Semantic questions always seem so innocent, but they can be counted on to expose hard truths- just ask anyone who negotiates the credits for writers on movies (where "and" and "&" mean very different things). Convention has it that maids of honor are single, while matrons are married, of course. While some marriages are not forever, the transition from maid to matron cannot be undone.

Whether one is widowed or divorced, one is no longer a maid. If one has had a marriage annulled, one would have to check with one's religious counsel to make a linguistic determination.

I know the word "matron," has something of a reputation because crops up a lot in women's prison pictures (a fine genre), but if you want to be accurate, it's the noun that fits the bill. Your sister should consider it a badge of honor that speaks of her life generally, not necessarily her marriage in particular.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:40 AM    <link>

ONLY TO RECEPTION?

Dear Elise,

I am writing with an age-old question of wedding invitations. My fiance and I are having a small ceremony and a large reception so that we are able to celebrate with all of our friends and family, yet have an intimate ceremony.

How do I word the invitations for those who will not be invited to the ceremony? We want to share our day with everyone, which is why we want a larger reception with dinner, dancing, and everything. But, we don't want to offend anyone or make anyone feel left out because they weren't invited to the ceremony itself.

What would be the proper wording for that? And is there any way of working around people feeling offended at not being invited to the ceremony?

- Stepping on Toes, But Trying Not To

Dear Stepping,

I hope I can provide some solace when I tell you that your situation- having a small, private ceremony and a big reception- is far from unusual.

What you want to avoid in all of this are situations where people can feel that they have been relegated to a "B" list. It is one thing to have a "family only" ceremony, but one risks all sorts of confusion if one invites family and some friends and not others. There are no hard and fast rules about separate ceremony and reception guest lists, rather this is a situation where you must look hard at the landscape of your guest list and use your own judgment on how to preserve people's feelings.

Invitations are much easier than emotional vicissitudes. You will probably end up having to produce at least two types of stationery: the invitation to the ceremony and reception and the invitation to the reception only.

Basic language for the ceremony / reception combo invite looks like this:

Host Names
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Bride's Name
to
Groom's Name
Date
Time
Place
And afterward at the reception
Place
Time
R.s.v.p.

Basic reception only invitation language is as follows:

Host Names
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception for
Bride's Name
And
Groom's Name
Date
Time
Place
R.s.v.p.

You see? There's a standard, old-fashioned format that fits the bill. All you have to do is work out which guest gets which invitation.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:28 AM    <link>

ASKING FOR HER HAND

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I are both in the navy on the same ship. While at a Port call in Curacao he asked me to marry him on the beach with all of our friends. OK, that's not the problem. The problem is (unless I'm worrying too much) is that he didn't ask my dad or step-dad for permission to marry me. My brother-in-law did this when he got engaged. I don't want to offend anyone. What should I do?

Navy Engagement

Dear Navy,

You're feeling this murky semi-discomfort because you and your fiance have not made an extremely traditional choice. In the first place, there is nothing wrong with that. And in the second, is not unusual for men to forgo asking permission to marry their girlfriends. Such a thing wouldn't even occur to some people. In other cases, women bridle at the symbolism of being treated as one of their fathers' possessions. Other couples might just see this permission asking gesture as a nicety, and little more.

If you are feeling uncomfortable enough to want to do something about it, you could act on the spirit of this courtesy and still retain something of the old-fashioned courtliness of the tradition. If you like, you could meet with your father and stepfather (individually, I presume) and talk to each of them about your engagement and wedding plans and tell them how much you want to include them in your happiness. To alleviate any possible discomfort your fiance may feel, you should be present for these talks, and if you don't care for the testosterone-heavy atmosphere, you can of course include your mother and / or stepmother, as well.

With traditions such as this one, what you want to preserve most of all is the happy feeling of being included that many men either are denied or simply don't expect. People like attention, so a small gesture on your part, if you are feeling awkward, will go a long way to keeping all feathers unruffled.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:18 AM    <link>

ACCEPTING EXTRAS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I recently received two response cards where the guest indicated she would be bringing another person (in both cases, an adult child) whom we had not invited to our wedding. Both transgressors are close to our parents.

Although we would have preferred to tell these people, in as gentle a manner as possible, that our invitations were not extended to their children, because of their relationships with our parents and because we think we will have enough space, we have decided to accommodate them and their guests. Never mind the long list of problems that could result from this decision -- my question to you is: is there anything we can say to these people to let them know they committed a faux pas? We're not out to crucify or overly embarrass them, and we certainly don't want to make the children feel unwelcome, but I think the parents ought to know their error, otherwise who knows how many party planners they may thwart in the future? Or am I asking for too much?
Thank you,

Trying to be Gracious

Dear Gracious,

You are trying to be gracious and your guests, in turn, are trying your patience, but if you decide to welcome the uninvited kids, you really can't say anything. It is not your job to teach your guests any lessons or wield etiquette like a sword. To do so would, itself, be impolite.

If you tell them the error of their ways, they will either become defensive and irritable or embarrassed and tense. Intentionally creating such an effect in one's guests runs contrary to the basic tenets of etiquette, which exist to make people feel more comfortable, not less. If you're going to welcome them as guests, you should treat them with the same warmth that you would offer the people you actually did invite.

I should add one word of caution: be careful about including some people's children and not others. I realize these are adult kids, but if you and our fiance deliberately created a "no kids" rule, it could be tricky for you if you made notable exceptions. Consistency is key to preserving your feelings and those of your guests.

Have a wonderful wedding. Think of this as an opportunity to overlook the mistakes of others. If they keep bringing extra people to weddings they will learn soon enough that this is a practice best left to more informal affairs.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:23 PM    <link>

NO ONE CAN RESERVE A YEAR

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I announced our engagement four months ago. We have not set a date yet. We did, however tell everyone that it would probably happen in the autumn of 2006, but we weren't certain. My fiance's closest sister, who is older than he and is not married, was happy for us when she heard the news, but also very jealous. She has been living with the same guy for 10 years and she very much wants a family and he has yet to commit.

Much to everyone's surprise, she suddenly announced that she too was getting married and the wedding would be this January! She jokingly said to my fiance that she "couldn't let her little brother upstage her by getting married first". I am not laughing.

I am very upset because I feel that she is being inconsiderate by not waiting for my fiance and me to set our date and now their family has to attend two weddings in one year!

What is the proper etiquette, if any, that she should have followed in setting her wedding date? And now that she has set her wedding date before mine, what should I do?

Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me in dealing with this situation.

Engaged in Drama

Dear Drama,

Sometimes drama creeps up and takes you by surprise and other times it's dormant, like the proverbial sleeping dog and will remain inert until someone starts prodding it.

My gentle advice is this: put down the stick and back away from the snoozing dog. This is only a problem if you choose to make it one.

No one has done anything wrong, etiquette-wise, though your future sister-in-law has started a weird campaign of taunting you and her brother. She may be annoying, but ultimately her behavior is meaningless.

While it would have been considerate of her to tell you what she had in mind for her wedding date, but she was probably responding to your having said that you were planning something in the fall. If she were really trying to provoke you, she could have opted for a wedding next September or October. But really, no one can have "dibs" on an entire year for wedding celebrations. Two weddings in twelve-month period, especially if they are spread out and not interfering with any holiday schedules should be reasonable.

For your part, you should go about your plans. If you're concerned about travelers, you can always send out save the date cards so that your guests will know about your nuptials and can plan their schedules, but beyond that, just be happy that you have given yourself a nice long time to get your act together. Your future sister-in-law has a mere handful of months, with Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's sucking up all kinds of time in the middle of things. Take your time and enjoy yourself.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:46 PM    <link>

POST POSTPONEMENT INVITATIONS

Dear Elise -

My daughter was to be married this July. Wedding invitations had been mailed response cards had been sent back to us. Two weeks before the wedding my daughter and fiance had to postpone their wedding. I spent (5) hours on the phone making personal phone calls to all 132 guests. It was my choice to handle the postponement this way.

My daugher and her fiance do have a new wedding date set. Your advice on what type of announcement to send out this time would be most appreciated.

Regards,

Shifting Plans

Dear Shifting,

I hope you've recovered from your marathon phone session and you were absolutely right to make the calls (though it was perhaps above and beyond the call of duty to make them all yourself, this sort of work can be shared).

I have written in earlier columns about what to do if the guests are unaware that nuptials are being put off (see "Delayed Pleasures" 4.22.2005 and "Not Yet or Not Ever?" 6.22.2005) But you have a situation where everyone already knows that the wedding has been put off, so when you order new invitations, don't worry about the language. Since everyone is in the know, you can simply order new invitations with the usual language and you don't even have to mention the previous date.

There are a lot of ways to acknowledge a postponement, but since you are in essence, starting afresh, you can just go with the usual language.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:47 PM    <link>

POST-ELOPEMENT WELCOME

Elise:

My son eloped to Mexico with his girlfriend. I met her briefly 2 months before they got marries, and since then I've only spoken to her on the phone. My son informs me he did ask her father's permission and was given his blessings.

They are planning their wedding reception party in San Francisco (actually a beach party) the latter part of October. I will attend and then they are going to come to my home in Texas for the Thanksgiving holidays. I am widowed and would like to have my friends and family come to our home to meet the newlyweds. I have asked my son to invite her parents and sister to join them and I will get a place for them to stay.

It just seems so awkward to wait so long before the reception and find ways to envelop the bride into our family. The only thing I've thought of is to send a bouquet of flowers to the bride saying: "Welcome to our family".

How should I proceed from here? I have considered writing a letter to her family and sort of introducing myself to them now as it seems a long time before we meet in October at the beach party reception.

Thanks for any of your help.

- Eager Mother

Dear Eager,

Congratulations all around. Your son is married. In the limited contact you've had with your new daughter-in-law, things have gone well. So far, everything is bouncing along quite well.

All of your ideas are wonderful and gracious: sending flowers to your son's bride, a note of introduction to her parents, inviting everyone to your house for the Thanksgiving holiday. You want to include your son's wife in your family and the best way to do that is to make yourself available to her. When you call, chat with her, ask her questions, include her in the conversation. Tell her about yourself and your interests. There is no particular protocol you must follow, as far as etiquette goes, so heed your instincts and be open to your new family.

It all seems very strange and exciting to you now, no doubt, but if you start making regular contact with your son and daughter-in-law, you'll find the awkwardness diminishing and you'll be able to have a great time at the October reception, and your Thanksgiving festivities.

Cheers again on what will be a lively autumn.

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:22 PM    <link>

FEEDING EVERYONE

Dear Elise

My boyfriend and I are about to get engaged, and are faced with a bunch of wedding issues, most of which arise from the facts that my family (in its entirety) lives in a different country, and his family (living nearby), are Orthodox Jews.

I have agreed to have an officiating rabbi and several important Jewish wedding traditions, although my family and I are not religious at all, and my boyfriend is only "religious" during High Holidays and occasional Sabbath visits to his parents. One particular sticking point is about the food we will serve at the reception.

His family keeps strict kosher (kosher certified products, kosher dishes and utensils, kosher drinks, kosher kitchens, kosher cooking supervisions etc), and it is traditional to have a meat meal for a festive occasion. I am a pescetarian (and so is my boyfriend, in everyday life), although I could live with a choice of fish or meat for the main course, serving meat precludes ANY dairy (no ice cream, yogurt dressings, or chocolate, among others). The crucial thing, however, is that kosher catering in the city where we live is outrageously inferior, and even if we have a "dairy" reception, almost anything from caterers (except for 1 or 2 upscale and out-of-budget restaurants) tastes really horrible and has very limited menu options.

Bottom line: his family will not eat non-kosher; but we would hate to serve bad-tasting dinner on our day.

Can we have our cake and eat it too?

Picky Palate

Dear Picky,

It is quite fascinating how, in wedding planning, so many of the struggles and clashes get expressed through the menu. Vegans and vegetarians must balance their own gustatory interests and politics with those of their guests and family; parents often make the reception into an arena in which they can attempt to exert control; and of course there are the complications of merging guests who keep kosher, or have other religious dietary restrictions and guests for whom anything goes.

You have choices, and plenty of them, so don't despair. You have already found ways to compromise on matters of your wedding ceremony and various traditions, and there are many ways you can compromise on the meal.

Not wanting to misspeak, I consulted a certain Ms. S., who is familiar with a wide range of kosher weddings, and who assures me that it would not be at all unusual or awkward for you to supply kosher meals for those who keep kosher and regular meals for the rest of your guests. As long as everyone has something to eat, you have done your job.

Should you go the individual meal route, there are certain steps to be aware of (these, again, courtesy of Ms. S.). The kosher caterer or restaurant should prepare the meals in accordance with kosher laws and deliver them wrapped in aluminum foil. The meals must stay wrapped until they are placed in front of the kosher-keeping-guests who then unwrap them themselves. This ensures that nothing non-kosher can come into contact with the food.

This could work out well for you in a number of ways. You will have more flexibility in your menu for your non-kosher-keeping guests, and because you are not asking the tasty kosher restaurant in your area to cater your whole wedding, you may be able to afford the nicer meals for your kosher-eating guests.

The cake issue again, presents you with choices. You can get two cakes: one regular and one kosher, or you can forgo a kosher cake and serve kosher desserts. Again, you'll have to make every effort to keep all serving utensils separate, but there is no reason you can't accommodate all

Don't let yourself feel hemmed in by the notion that everyone will have to eat the same meal and follow the same dietary guidelines. That is the way of madness. Be flexible and if anyone puts up resistance to your plan, point out that you have already compromised. In a wedding, everyone has to bend a little to prevent any one person from breaking.

Congratulations,

Elise

P.S. A hearty thanks again to Ms. S, and three cheers for her own impending nuptials.

posted by Elise at 11:30 AM    <link>

FLAKEY MAID OF HONOR

Dear Elise,

My wedding is in October, so I chose my bridemaids' dresses last summer to give everyone sufficient time to get them. They're only $100. My maid-of-honor (who I have known for 15 years) still hadn't gotten her dress when I noticed that the dress might not be available in the color I chose for much longer. I panicked and left a message for her to buy the dress ASAP (since it would take 6 weeks to arrive). My mother decided to take action and took it upon herself to order the dress, telling me that she would expect the money in due time. Now is it just me, or is my maid-of-honor being extremely inconsiderate? I'd like to keep the peace but it's just brewing inside of me and I'd like to give her a piece of my mind.

- Harried Bride

Dear Harried,

Once it's a matter of days before your wedding, not months, it is reasonable that you'd find yourself susceptible to bouts of overwhelming irritation. Remember, though, that it is important to keep everything in perspective. The only thing you really stand to gain from telling off your maid of honor is an angry and defensive member of your wedding party and awkwardness all around.

What is really troubling you? There is nothing to worry about from an aesthetic point of view, since your mother has ordered the dress. Are you worried about the state of your friendship? Your friend's dress neglect is could be a sign that she is inconsiderate, or that she is busy or overwhelmed or spacey or broke and uncomfortable. You should absolutely talk to her about this, but not because you're angry. Of course you're frustrated and impatient, but keep in mind that she might not understand all the pressures you feel about your wedding and simply forgot to order the frock.

It is reasonable for you to let her know that you're frustrated and worried about all sorts of elements in your wedding, but be careful not to take your anxiety out on your friend. Talk to her about reimbursing your mother for the dress and your other worries, but don't lecture her or make this an issue about the nature of your relationship with her. A dress, even one for a maid of honor, is not worth damaging a 15-year-old friendship over.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:58 AM    <link>

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