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Monday, October 31, 2005

EXCLUDE SOMEONE UNPLEASANT?

Dear Elise,

A good friend of my fiance is married to a woman who is extremely mean-spirited. Although she's always refrained from saying anything nasty to me, she is constantly putting others down- not only behind their backs, but to their face as well! She gets worse when she drinks, and has managed to insult many of her husband's friends (including my fiance) and their wives. While we are inviting this couple to the wedding, my fiance is conflicted about inviting them (her) to the smaller, more intimate rehearsal dinner. They are not in the wedding party, or from out of town, but we will be having a few other close friends at the rehearsal dinner, and my fiance feels bad about excluding his friend.

I really do not want this woman at the dinner for obvious reasons! I don't want to worry all night that she will insult my friends, my family, my fiance, or myself. Can I put my foot down on this one?

Thanks,

Nervous Nellie

Dear Nervous,

In some ways, perhaps because it can be more exclusive than the actual wedding, the rehearsal dinner can provoke more anxiety and inter-family angst than the nuptials themselves.

Yours is a question of forking paths. Do you mean to ask whether you can invite your fiance's friend without his wife? If so, the answer is: no. Because they are married they are a social unit and it would be extremely rude to exclude one of them.

It would be entirely safe, however for you to exclude both of them. The strictest interpretation of the rehearsal dinner guest list, as you suggest, requires only that the wedding party and immediate families of the bride and groom be invited. The more inclusive guest roster would also include people who have come to town for the wedding. Since the couple in question belongs to neither group, you would be home free, etiquette-wise.

Your finace, however, might feel otherwise, and ultimately you must talk to him. You could put your foot down, but it might end up costing you a lot in the scheme of things. Is your distaste for this woman of greater weight than your fiance's friendship with her husband? This couple certainly doesn't need to be invited to your rehearsal dinner, but if keeping his friend away would truly hurt your husband, then you may want to take his feelings into account.

You know the manners, but here you'll have to consult your future husband. Perhaps you can contrive a compromise, but ideally, he'd already have decided for himself that his friend doesn't need to be at this event.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:26 PM    <link>

EXCEPTIONS THAT PROVE THE RULE

Dear Elise,

I realize that at a wedding, one must establish general guidelines that are to be applied without exception, and that, for example, if you invite a single person to bring a guest, you must invite all of the single guests with the "and guest" designation.

While this is fine for my young single friends, it feels odd to do this for my 90 year-old great aunt, who is not actively dating (as far as I know). I fear that the "and guest" designation might offend her. I fear it will make her feel obligated to bring a date or it will remind her that she is without a male companion. Should I or shouldn't I use the "and guest" designation with her?

Thanks,

And Guest for All?

Dear Guest for All,

While your great aunt has surely not forgotten that she is single, your inclinations are not unreasonable. The whole reason there is a consistency mandate is to show your guests that you respect them all equally. Your great aunt is a special case. She is older and she is a relative, and both of those designations make her exceptional.

I should point out that just because the option of bringing a date has been extended, does not mean that one is obligated to take one's hosts up on the offer. It is a choice, not a requirement. But you certainly don't have to invite your great aunt to bring a guest if you think this gesture would make her uncomfortable.

So, you can send her the invitation addressed only to your great aunt, but if you still want to give her the opportunity to bring someone, you can include a note in the invitation, saying that you hope she can come and if she would like to bring a companion, she is welcome to do so.

This is a case where you would be happiest breaking with the standard protocol and following your instincts. Do what you think will make your great aunt most comfortable. Some relatives require a bit of the kid glove treatment, so feel free to put on the mitts.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:50 PM    <link>

FLOWERBOY?

Dear Elise,

I would like my five-year-old nephew to participate in my wedding. My friend's six-year-old daughter will be a flower girl and I did not want my nephew excluded. I do not, however, want a ring bearer. It's important to me that the person who carries our rings be a grownup with some understanding of marriage. I asked my sister, who is my matron of honor, if my nephew might want to be a flower boy and walk alongside the flower girl.

My sister- who is a lesbian- wrote me back that her son would very much like to participate in the wedding, but her partner is concerned that my nephew will be teased by his classmates if he is a flower boy. She asked if he could he throw something else.

It upsets me that a five-year-old boy, especially one raised by a lesbian couple, cannot throw flower petals at a wedding. It seems absurd that his classmates would tease him let alone know the event occurred. Given our family (six of the ten members of the wedding party are gay), I hardly think my nephew's concept of gender would be radically altered if he threw a few rose petals, especially if he wants to throw them.

My fiance thinks we should make him a ring bearer and leave it at that, but I don't feel comfortable giving a five-year-old that role.

I'm not sure how to broach this subject- or if I should at all- without ending up in a fight over parenting methods. I'd like to talk to my sister about it, but at the same time, does it really matter if my nephew throws flowers or not? Is it worth the effort? Is she right to think the role is inappropriate?

Thanks,

Befuddled Over Petals

Dear Befuddled,

Of course it doesn't matter, in the scheme of things, what your nephew throws. And really, you don't need me to reassure you that there is nothing inappropriate about a boy coming into contact with flowers. But you are right to recognize that this is one of those areas of parental decision making which you might not want to badger. What you can do is figure out how much compromising you are willing to do.

Perhaps it is peculiar that your sister's partner would be so concerned about appearances, but maybe her child is having some sort of problem of the sort that sounds rather small to adult ears but is enormous in the life of a five year-old. There is no telling what is behind your sister and her partner's reasoning, and while you can quiz them about their concerns, you will probably not be able to change their minds about the flowers.

Whatever their reasoning, your sister wanted to know if there were something other than flower petals her son could throw. Would you be willing to have him toss something else? You could give your nephew some leaves or other light greenery, for instance. That might be a sufficiently masculine thing to do that his parents concerns might be put to rest. Alternatively, you could just have him escort the flowergirl, throwing nothing.

Now, your sister didn't ask if her son could be the ring-bearer, though that is the "traditional" job for young boys in the wedding party. It would be a natural choice to put your nephew in that role. This was your fiance's idea, and it isn't a bad one, but if you really feel strongly that having so young a child in this role would be going against something important to you, you don't have to give the child a promotion.

What you have here is a clash of wedding feelings. Your sister and her partner may be overreacting to the whole "flower boy" notion, but you also have strong desire not to have a kindergarten-age ring-bearer. You don't have to compromise in the biggest sense (that is, making the boy into your ring-bearer) unless you absolutely want to, but you'll probably feel more comfortable sticking to your guns if you offer your sister some choices that can put her and her partner at ease. If they refuse to come around, then you can politely say that you're sorry you have no other roles for the boy in your wedding but that he will be a cherished guest.

I hope it does not come to that. There are plenty of possibilities for making all of you happy. I hope you can navigate a way through their eccentricities to find a solution.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 3:00 PM    <link>

REFUSING TO CHOOSE A FAVORITE

Dear Elise,

I have a lengthy list of people who make the "bridal party" cut and I don't know how to arrange them. I was my sister's maid of honor, and I'm pretty sure she expects to be mine. But then I have another sister who also expects to be the maid of honor. I'm actually closest to my brother, who doesn't care about these things, but I'd still like to have him in the bridal party.

And then there are my two best friends- a man and a woman- both of whom have expressed their desire to be in the wedding party. My female best friend would, of all the people on the list, be the most involved, but I don't want to upset my siblings or male best friend.

I don't know how to choose a maid or man of honor without hurting everyone else's feelings and I don't know how to involve everyone in a way that is sensible, fair and will cause the least amount of distress. Why do we have to do this anyway? Is there a way to avoid picking a "maid/man of honor" or just have five? Is there a way to include them all that is somehow egalitarian? Why do we have to rank the people we love anyway?

Thanks,

Sharing the love

Dear Sharing,

What do you mean you don't want to publicly declare one friend or sibling is more dear to you than all others? What kind of a sport are you? Didn't you relish those days back in middle school gym class where all the best people were obviously picked first for teams, leaving the rest of us lingering by the wall?

Pardon me I got carried away. Did I inadvertently reveal something of my true feelings about the maid of honor / bridesmaid tradition? I'm sure I didn't mean to.

Your last question really should be your first. If you don't want to rank the people in your life, you don't have to. All you need to get married is a potential spouse, a marriage license, a legal officiant, and (where it applies) a couple of witnesses. Bridesmaids, maids of honor, matrons of honor, flowergirls, ring bearers, ushers, groomsmen and the like are all optional.

But there is nothing wrong with having the people you love stand up with you and if you want them at your side, invite them all. Five is not an unreasonable crowd. And if anyone asks who the maid / matron / man of honor is, just say that they all are.

As a point of interest, the most traditional choice of honor attendant would be to pick a sibling as the maid of honor and in your case you could have one maid and one matron of honor since your two sisters fit the bill. But above all, know that if you don't want to single any one person out, you don't need to. And don't let any bullies try to tell you otherwise.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:13 AM    <link>

SO MUCH HONOR, SO MUCH MONEY

Hello Elise,

My best friend is having a destination wedding next summer in Aruba. She will have two Maids of Honor and I am one of them, (her sister is the other). I am worried about the expenses.

Travel and lodging alone will be nearly $1600, which does not include the dress, the parties I am supposed to host and other expenses. I think the trip will cost $2,000-2,300. Unfortunately, I am currently not in a financial position to spend this much money, nor will I be able to save that much by next summer. The only way for me to cover these expenses would be to charge them on my credit card.

I am in a major dilemma. I want to be there for my friend but at the same time I don't want to put myself further in debt. This is really stressing me out. Can you give me some advice before I bring this issue up with her?

Thank you.

- Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Here is the honor attendant trap. Of course it is flattering and exciting to be singled out as the bride's closest friend, but one should not have to demonstrate this friendship by tumbling into months and months of debt. Before the era of destination weddings, there was considerably less pressure on bridesmaids and maids of honor to find themselves with a lap full of bills.

But destination weddings are a fact of life and so are your finances and the only way to reconcile the two is for you to figure out a thing or two. First you must decide how much you can spend on the wedding. Figure it out and be prepared to stick by that amount. Then talk to your friend and explain your situation. Tell her exactly what your budget is for her wedding and let her know that you need to work with her to find a way to afford her nuptials. Since she is only having two honor attendants, perhaps she could let you wear a dress you already have, or maybe there are some special hotel rates that she can negotiate.

Approach your friend soon, before she has a chance to get overwhelmed by planning and before you begin to resent her for taxing you financially and emotionally. If she remains firm that she needs you to assume all of these expenses, then you should prepare to excuse yourself, but it is unlikely that she would put you in that position.

I agree that the expenses for this wedding are hefty, but the solution to this situation is not to be defensive or angry. Be honest and clear with your friend and don't change your budget once you have told her what you can afford.

Good luck and congratulations on realizing your limitations.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:17 PM    <link>

SHOWER PRIZES - EVERYONE WINS

Hi Elise,

I recently was a maid of honor for my childhood friend. Since we were childhood friends, she is also close to my parents. My mom and I decided to host her bridal shower. I went into planning the bridal shower not knowing the first two things about it.

When my mom and I were discussing what games should be played at the shower, I brought up the subject of prizes, I said: "I'll try to find a variety of small prizes that everyone will like." My mom replied: "Honey, the guests don't keep the prizes at the bridal shower. After the guest has won a prize, she offers it to the bride. She's winning the opportunity to give the prize gift to the bride. You want to find prizes the bride will enjoy."

I was floored. I had never heard of this before! I went back to the Internet and tried to find some information on this tradition. I came up empty.

The big day arrived. My mom and I compiled a huge wedding cake centerpiece stuffed with goodies for the bride; most identical to the prizes we were giving away during the games. We then said, "This game is for a prize for the guest to enjoy," before we played any games. Everyone kept his or her prizes except for the last prizewinner, who was a lady that around my mom's age. She promptly handed her prize over to the bride.

So what's up with this? Is this what normally happens at bridal showers? Is this just a South Dakota thing? My mom and I are truly perplexed.

Thanks!

Baffled

Dear Baffled,

You've hit upon one of those little pockets of wedding existentialism: if all the prizes go to the bride, do the games matter at all?

I have to confess, the intricacies of regional wedding shower traditions are so complex that I have some difficulty keeping track of the vernacular and significance of the many shower species. On the East Coast of the United States, for example, a Jack and Jill shower is one that includes women and men. In parts of Canada and the Midwestern U.S., however, a shower by the same name, while also coed, is more of a benefit where tickets are sold and the proceeds from the party go to the wedding couple.

There are: Lingerie showers, Round the clock showers, Kitchen showers, Recipe showers, Cocktail showers, Showers with games, Showers with booze. . .

And now I’m starting to sound like a Dr. Seuss book.

The question of who gets the prizes at the wedding shower varies widely by region, as you suggest. Of course there is the question of the nature of the game being played and the prize offered. At Jack and Jill benefit showers, games are generally played for money and usually the winnings are offered to the bride and groom. At other parties where the prizes are little incidental items- favors, if you will, guests are more likely to keep them. Some see the shower-as-fundraiser as an amusing way to help out the bride and groom, while others (and I include myself in this number) are utterly uncomfortable with this mercenary, no matter how loving, approach to parties.

Keep in mind that the oldest form of shower was not particularly concerned with games. The purpose of the party was to outfit ("shower," in fact) the bride-to-be with items that she would need in her new life as a bride. Presents were the key. Games appeared rather late on the scene to cause embarrassment and queasy fun. Many brides love these exercises in gentle humiliation while they are rare torture for others.

You and your mother decided to keep everyone happy by spreading prizes around. This is a tactic that has been employed successfully at children's birthday parties for eons and there is no reason it shouldn't work well on adults. Everything you did was perfectly gracious, giving preference to the bride, but ensuring that the rest of your guests were not neglected, and you even managed to take your local traditions into account. Showers are consistent only in their inconsistency, but the rules for hosting are always the same: celebrate your guest of honor, but don't neglect to honor the rest of your guests.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:10 AM    <link>

INCLUDING TRAVELERS?

Hi Elise,

I have a question about inviting potential guests to a wedding; people I don't expect will be able to attend.

My fiance and I live and work in California, but we both grew up on the East Coast, where most of our family and friends are. We are happily planning our wedding in Massachusetts, but we have several friends here who will be attending our wedding. My question is about whether to invite co-workers, people with whom I rarely socialize outside of work, but with whom I am quite friendly. These are people that I would invite to a wedding if it were being held locally, but I do not expect that more than one or two of them would travel across the country for our wedding. In addition, our company has a policy that no more than three people can be out for vacation at the same time. I would like them to know that I think fondly of them and ordinarily would include them on our guest list, but I don't want them to feel pressured to make travel plans and especially to have to send a gift. So, do I invite them and risk them thinking I'm fishing for a gift, or not invite them and risk them feeling overlooked?

Thanks,

Far From Home

Dear Far From Home,

One often-inconvenient side effect of wedding planning is that it makes one second-guess oneself. Good intentions seem suspect. Practical considerations sound selfish. Try not to tumble into this style of thinking.

You have the rare luxury of being able to be inclusive in your invitations. If, in your perfect world where travel weren’t an issue, you would like to have your co-workers at your wedding, then invite them and see what happens. If some can come, they can figure out the work and travel logistics. You don't have to make up their minds for them.

It is a misconception that an invitation is a demand for a present, one that surely started with some sourpuss looking to rain on the wedding couple's parade. The only thing an invitation requires is some kind of response, and there's usually a self-addressed-stamped-envelope that keeps all potential guests from having to exert themselves at the post office.

Go to town and enjoy yourselves no matter who attends.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:16 AM    <link>

BRIDESMAIDS: MUST I?

Dear Elise,
I'm a very shy, reserved person. While I have a number of casual acquaintances, I have no close friends to put in the bridal party. My fiance wants me to have my sisters be my bridesmaids, but throughout my life, they've done little more than ridicule me for everything I say and do. I would like to make a nice gesture, but I'm afraid that they'll just make me miserable on what should be the happiest day of my life. What should I do?

Shy Bride

Dear Shy Bride,

There's a lot to be said for opting out, and many people, caught up in the fray of wedding planning often forget that this is an option.

It is never necessary to have bridesmaids or a maid of honor or a wedding party of any kind, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Your fiance may think you would feel happier and more comfortable with your sisters standing up with you, or he may think the bride needs to have a wedding party to match the groom's. This is not the case at all. If you decide not to have bridesmaids, he can still have groomsmen and/or a best man. No decision you make could deprive him of anything he wants to do.

So everything is up to you. If your sisters have been less than supportive, you don't have to honor them in any way, or if you do feel obliged, you can give them readings to do or some other discreet job that wouldn't leave you vulnerable to their taunts. It is significant that you mention your shyness and I hope you don't cave to the notion that someone with your personality should have bridesmaids. There is a good chance that their "help" would make you feel quite lonely, and being on your own could fill you with pride.

If you don't want them, you certainly don't need them.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:15 PM    <link>

REHEARSAL FRICTION: THEIR PLAN IS NOT IDEAL

Hi Elise,

We're getting married in my hometown. Even though we're not going the traditional route, of having my parents pay for the wedding, my future in-laws want to throw a rehearsal party.

This party will consist of booze and munchies in a hotel room. Everyone from out of town will be invited, and although I threatened him, I'm still fearful that my fiance won't be able to resist staying up all night and boozing with his friends the night before our wedding.

My idea of a rehearsal party is a nice, relaxing dinner out somewhere. What is the etiquette for this situation? If I make reservations somewhere, are we expected to pay for the wedding party, or would it be ok if they pay for themselves?

Wanting More Class

Dear Wanting,

The rehearsal dinner is a peculiar locus for wedding showdowns, but in a way it seems apt. Since the wedding traditionally "belongs" to the bride and her family, though more recently it has become much more the province of the wedding couple, the rehearsal dinner gives the groom's family a chance to flex some party throwing muscles and be gracious. Still, after working so hard on your wedding, it might be difficult to relinquish control.

Your objections to the drinks and snacks party your future in-laws are planning to throw are rather varied. You had in mind a traditional formal dinner at a restaurant, while your fiance's parents have devised something almost raucous (perhaps in en effort to be inclusive). If they are hosting and paying for the party, it really is your future in-laws' prerogative to throw the kind of event they want and can afford.

It would be unwise to engage in an evening of dueling rehearsal parties. Your fiance's parents would probably take it quite badly if you rejected their party in favor of a more exclusive dinner, especially if they got a sense that you felt their party wasn't classy enough. For the sake of your future relations with them, you should try to relax your expectations and participate in the event they planned.

If you do make reservations at a restaurant and invite your wedding party (and families, perhaps), it will be very difficult for you to get around paying for your guests, and your desire to have a refined, formal meal will be clouded by the awkwardness of having to ask people to pay for themselves. Some won't mind, others will, but if you want this to be a traditional event, the guests, being guests, should not be obliged to pay.

Now, your first quibble with the currently planned party is about your fiance, and your worries that he will stay out until all hours the night before his wedding. Your concerns are beyond reasonable, but really something you need to work out with him. Perhaps you can arrange to leave the party together, so that he has an obligation to be with you instead of the guests. Certainly it is worrisome that he might make his parents' party a priority over being fresh for your wedding, but the more clear you can be with him about what you need and how you feel, the better he can understand your reasoning and accommodate your wishes. Don't just threaten him; generate a plan of action that he understands and can follow.

Weddings demand compromise. It is the nature of things when merging two families, if only for a day or two, and the best way to emerge from the weekend without bruises or less obvious but deeper wounds is to know what is most important to you, stick to your guns for those things, and let the rest go. Try to imagine the up side of your future in-law's event: this as a chance NOT to have to plan something.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:28 AM    <link>

THE CASE OF THE SNIPING SISTER

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married in a matter of weeks and I don't know how to deal with my future sister-in-law. She is a lot younger than my fiance and has always had her older brother to herself until he met me. She makes snide comments about me and rolls her eyes when we talk about the things we do together. In August, I spent 3 days with my fiance, his parents and sister and it was terrible. I was sorely tempted to leave my beloved behind at the family's beach house.

When we got home I told my fiance about his sister's behavior and said he needed to do something about it. Recently, he went to visit her at graduate school and they had "the talk." I don't know what was said, and it's none of my business, but he did tell me it went very well and that she understands that he will no longer tolerate her behavior.

What do I do if she confronts me during the wedding festivities? If I were she, I'd die of embarrassment if my brother had to talk to me about acting like a civilized person in front of his spouse-to-be. I'm sure she knows that I know they had a chat about this, but still I'm afraid that she may go out of her way to be nasty to me on our wedding day. And truthfully, I'm not sure I can continue to bite my tongue when she disrespects me. Any suggestions you have are greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Family Matters

Dear Family,

A nasty relative is, indeed, something most unwelcome at one's nuptials and it is a shame you had to deal with this at all, but keep in mind, if your future sister-in-law behaves badly, she is the only one who will look like a fool. The more pleasant and unflappable you are, the more ridiculous she will seem. Remember this if the going gets tough.

So far you have done all the right things. You have tolerated your fiance's sister's rudeness; you have asked your fiance to help with this problem, and he tells you he has done just that. You are now in an enviable position to be magnanimous. You point out how truly mortified you would be if your sibling had to correct your behavior, and perhaps she is as well. If you are up to it, and if you will see her before the wedding, you could try to head any nastiness off at the pass by telling her how happy you are that she could be there for the wedding, mention how well she looks, and ask her how her first semester at graduate school has been. She might be so astonished at your pleasantness that she can do nothing but respond in kind.

If her shrewishness can't be tamed by the threat of being ridiculous or niceness, you have one more option. In the face of her hostility, become a pleasant wall. If she makes fun of your wedding dress, for instance, offer a reply that puts her on the spot: "I'm sorry you don't care for it. What don't you like about it?" If she answers, then you can tell her how nice it is that she will have fewer decisions to make when she gets married. The refusal to pick up the gauntlet she throws down for you will frustrate her until she shuts up or until someone carts her away because she is making such a spectacle of herself.

Clearly, this woman is having a hard time sharing her brother with you. While perhaps understandable, it is a problem she must solve herself. You can help her by being generous and pleasant, but refuse to stoop to her level. Doing so would only give her what she wants.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:00 AM    <link>

TABLES TURNED OR SIMPLY RETURNED?

Hi Elise

My mother-in-law gave my husband an antique dining room table and chairs. She wanted to keep it in the family - as did we. We moved to a new house and don't have room for it. I asked my mom to keep it for us until we move to a bigger home. We didn't want to ask my husband's brother to keep it for us because he would paint it or sell it.

My mother-in-law was concerned about keeping it in the family. I assured her that my mom was not getting the table to keep. The next day, she called my husband, and he reassured her again.

Two days later, my husband went to our old house to finish moving and the table was gone. His brother had a key to our old house and my mother-in-law must have talked to him and asked him if he needed the table and then told him to go get it. No one told us this was going to happen, it just happened.

I wanted the table to hand down to my children. While I can forgive and forget and can live without it. My sister says if I want the table back I should insist on it and get it back and also say something to my mother-in-law since this was inappropriate.

I'm thinking it's only fair that each son have a dining room set and that normally she doesn't meddle, so I should just let it go and talk to her if something like this happens again?

Table Tug-of-War

Dear Table,

I take it this table is just a table and that it doesn't have secret panels containing your heirloom jewelry or your passports, or anything else that makes it imperative that you recover this piece of furniture. If it's a table pure and simple, then I suggest you not create more trouble with it by demanding it back, and create new memories at your current table.

However, your mother-in-law's behavior is the larger issue, and you may want to have a gentle word with her. Try not to sound angry or accusing, but tell her that you realize why she was frightened and gave the table to her other son, but that you wish she had talked to you about it before she took matters into her own hands. Explain that you would never have let the table out of the family and that you hope that she trusts you. She was clearly acting badly in having her other son go behind his brother's back. In fact, this is not so much an issue of etiquette as it is one of being respectful of one's relatives. It is generally considered rude even for family members to go into each other's houses extracting furniture.

The reason to have this conversation is not to get the table back, but to make a couple of points very clear: that you aren't angry and you understand her perspective, and that you don't want her behaving this way again. You can explain this warmly, without ire, and help her understand that she doesn't need to feel threatened.

Beyond that, you may want to keep the keys to your new house to yourselves.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:23 AM    <link>

GUESTS GOING SOLO

Dear Elise

My two best friends emailed to me that they want to have "girls' night out" and will not be bringing their spouses or their children to my wedding reception. They asked how I felt about the decision.

I am somewhat disappointed and hurt since I have embraced their families and think of their husbands as my friends, too. But I'm just the bride (and the hostess) and I suppose it's my guests' prerogative whether or not they bring their husbands and their comfort comes first. I told them that it's fine with me, but the decision did seem strange.

Now, do I still send out my invites addressing the spouses? In our culture (Chinese), when guests receive invitations, they are obliged to give a gift. I wasn't told why the girls decided not to bring their spouses, but it might be financial and their email may simply be a pre-emptive measure. I'm not expecting any gifts (they are guests!) but I do not want to impose (by including their husbands names) or seem rude (by not including the names).

Argh - what shall I do?

Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

It isn't at all uncommon for people, out of an urge to have more unfettered fun, to decide to attend weddings without their children. Deciding a wedding would be more enjoyable without one's husband happens less often.

Your friends have opted to come to your wedding without their husbands for reasons of their own, but there is nothing wrong with repeating your invitation. They could change their minds, and if they do, you will have made it clear that these guys are welcome.

I am not quite sure about the subtleties of your other concern, regarding presents. If you invite a couple, surely they are only required to give you one present between them. Including your friends' husbands in the invitation should not increase their obligations to you.

If these are indeed your two best friends, it would not be entirely out of order for you to quiz them about their decision to leave their husbands home, but know that their reasons may simply be that they'd rather be on their own for the evening. Regardless, they could not possibly feel insulted by your invitation, so go ahead and put everyone's names on the envelopes, but be prepared for your friends to come stag. Try not to take this personally and enjoy your friends and your wedding.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:43 AM    <link>

SIMILAR STYLES

Oh Elise,

What to do? My future husband and I have waited for about 10 years to get married. We finally decided that we should get around to it next year. However, we recently attended his cousin's wedding. She is the last to get married before us. The rest of my fiance's family had pretty mundane weddings, and we wanted to be different.

This cousin, however, had *exactly* the wedding we were planning, right down to the bagpipes and fireworks. She had no way of knowing what we liked, so this was totally original. This kind of party isn't something we can do a year from now without looking like copycats. I don't know what to do. I know the bride would be flattered that we had a similar wedding, but the similarities would be blatant to the rest of the guests. There are small things we can change, but having bagpipes playing a different tune isn't exactly a difference that will be noticed.

She had a wedding tent; we wanted a wedding tent. Even the buffalo on the menu was what we were planning. No one in his family has ever eaten buffalo. We love it and were planning on serving it instead of the typical beef. I know we should just do what we love and not worry about what people think, but this isn't the average family and I don't want them to think badly of me. It was indeed the greatest wedding I have ever been to, and I think that would make it seem even more like us trying to keep up with or beat the proverbial Joneses. I feel we should just elope now.

Not a Copycat

Dear Not,

It hardly seems fair to tax the already highly-strung emotions of those in the throes of wedding planning with additional challenges of having to be creative and entirely original. I'm sure you will derive no comfort then I tell you that the things people remember most are what kind of a time they had at an event (though I can think of one wedding where the toasts were so squirm-inducing that they obliterated my ability to commit anything else to memory), or that your wedding won't happen for quite a while which will reduce your guests' abilities to compare nuptials; you still feel all kinds of pressure to be unique.

Now, what can you do? First, try to relax. There are some elements: tents, that reading from Rilke's "Letters to a Young Poet," and Pachelbel's Canon in D that are common to so many weddings that no one could accuse you of copying someone else. The tent, especially, is such an expedient choice that you don't have to think twice about using it.

When you consider other things- the bagpipes, the buffalo meat and the fireworks, for instance- try to decide which ones are truly important to you and which ones you would be happy to substitute with something else equally original. Do you really want to serve buffalo? Then do it. If not, there are plenty of other gastronomic choices out there. You feel limited because these are things you already pictured, but if you allow yourself room to play with your choices more you'll see that there are still millions of choices you can make.

I should be clear. You do not have to model your nuptials as a reaction to anyone else's, but you can also take this wedding as an opportunity to be even more creative with your own.

Make these choices for your sake, with pleasure, not competition in mind and use your extra time to play with different elements. You have plenty of time.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:56 PM    <link>

POST-ELOPEMENT PARTY

Dear Elise,

Could the parents of the bride have a reception eight months after the wedding and still call it a reception for the newlyweds? The newlyweds work for the government and have schedules that do not permit time for a reception immediately after having eloped.

Thank you,

Planning

Dear Planning,

I take it you're concerned that the word "newlywed" might not be accurate eight months after the fact. It's amazing how sticky semantics can be when all you want to do is throw a party.

Of course you can call it a party for the newlyweds, they're still within the first year of marriage, and one hopes the blush is still on the rose, so to speak. But if you're feeling awkward, you can have the same party and call it a celebration of the marriage, and thus avoid any nit-pickers who would correct you on the use of the word "newlywed"- really, the things people will do to avoid having a good time.

More important than the name of the party is that you enjoy yourself.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:42 AM    <link>

BRIDESMAID DRESS DRAMA

Dear Elise-

I have a situation with one of my five bridesmaids. I picked out a bridesmaid dress for them, and it is neither cheap nor overly expensive.

One of my friends said that she thinks that it might cost too much in the long run to be a bridesmaid. When I countered her by telling her that I recently spent $400 to be a bridesmaid in a wedding for a girl that I am not even that close to, (naturally I was thinking that since she is a close friend she wouldn't be troubled by the expense) and she replied that she wanted to try the dress on before making a decision about buying it and that we should see if a certain store she likes has a dress that we can use. I asked her to come with me to look at bridesmaid dresses once but she said the shop wasn't convenient for her to get to. (By the way, the store she suggested would probably charge double for a similar gown.)

My friend has a track record of selfish, thoughtless behavior. Am I totally off base for being angry? I know by the way she shops for herself that she isn't tight on money. All I can conclude is that she doesn't want to spend it on someone else. Perhaps I should have seen this coming and not asked her in the first place. I already kind of gave her an ultimatum and she never responded. When it comes to etiquette, have I done anything wrong and what would be the best way to go from here?

Sincerely,

Taken Aback

Dear Taken Aback,

You can count on people to be inconsistent when it comes to wedding party duties. But hey, if friends didn't present any problems, the bride and groom might not have anything to distract them from the insanity of their families.

Still, the way to look at this bridesmaid issue, if you are asking about etiquette and not looking to add another voice to the chorus damning your friend, is to try to extract it from the welter of details and problems that swamp you right now. To a certain extent, to be a bridesmaid is to serve at the pleasure of the bride (though the bride should understand not to act like some sort of crazed dictator).

If you have picked a dress and everyone has agreed to get it, there is nothing more to be said. Your friend can either get the dress or not. If she protests that she wants to go to her store, you can tell her that you've already made up your mind and you don't have time to open up your search again. You're the bride and this was your executive decision. Your friend may balk at the amount of money she has to spend, and she is within her rights to hesitate since her finances are entirely her business. You can't know what sort of financial commitments she has, so try not to think about why she seems disinclined to buy this dress and prepare yourself to say one of two things. You can let her know that she can wear any dress she likes but the rest of the bridesmaids will be wearing the one you chose, or you can tell her that you're sorry she can't afford the dress and offer to let her have some other wedding duty instead of being a bridesmaid. Obviously, the second of these two choices is harsh and should only be made if you mean to fire your friend.

Call your friend's bluff. Be polite and nice, but don't change your plans to accommodate her unless you want to. She is being somewhat unreasonable, but there's a reason why the authorities try to avoid negotiating in hostage situations: once they know they can bargain, criminals tend to demand more.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:04 PM    <link>

TRAVELING PRESENT

Dear Elise,

A good friend of mine just got married. They had been engaged, but decided to have a small spur of the moment wedding with just family when her fiance learned he had been accepted into the US Foreign Service, and they would have to move almost immediately.

They will be posted to a US Embassy in a foreign country within a few months. Over the next five years they will be posted to 2-3 countries. I would like to get my friends a gift to celebrate their union, but obviously don’t want to get them a ceramic dish, or other traditional presents, since they will have to pack up and move overseas soon. Do you have any suggestions for an appropriate and useful gift?

Thanks very much,

No Broken Glasses

Dear No Broken,

Yours is not exactly an etiquette question but I'll take a run at an answer. What you are looking for is something that is easily portable, but reasonably lightweight and unbreakable.

Many items come to mind, but I think that something that will lend a sense of home to any of your friends' shifting environments would be most welcome. Some luxurious bed linens or a quilt, blanket or bedspread would certainly do the trick. These are things they could use almost anywhere.

If that suggestion doesn't work for you, consider the quotidian things that give you small pleasures. Perhaps there is something right under your nose that would be perfect.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:34 AM    <link>

BACHELORETTE PARTY & FAIRNESS

Dear Elise,

A friend is having only myself and another friend at her bachelorette party, and she wants it to be 2-night stay at a spa. My finances are very tight and I can't afford to pay for everything for her and for me. I can't back out because there are only 2 of us and I didn't suggest something cheaper because I thought it would be inconsiderate for her wedding--it's what she wants.

I tried to hint that one night would be better, but she said she deserved 2 nights because she didn't have a shower, and that we didn't have to pay for everything for her, but all the etiquette books say that she shouldn't pay for anything. Is it OK to just help pay for what I can and not go into debt paying for an extravagant weekend, and not apologize for not always picking up the bill? Should I have just said up front that I couldn't afford to go? That seems harsh and crushing to her wishes especially when you're just about the only one invited.

Thanks,

Embarrassed

P.S. I'm bringing fun gifts to the bachelorette party/spa weekend too, and she's not having bridesmaids or a maid of honor at her wedding.

Dear Embarrassed,

People choose bridesmaids and wedding party participants for all sorts of reasons, I suppose, but at bottom, unless these people are relatives, they are selected because of friendship, not finances. Glance back through the annals of etiquette writing through the ages and you will see that no one ever mandates specific amounts that women must spend to prove their friendship.

The key to some kind of harmony is for all parties to be vocal not only about their wants but their abilities. The prickly sprouts of cattiness that choke friendships could be obliterated in many cases by people simply saying, early on, what they can afford, before "dream dresses" were decided upon and deluxe weekends planned. This way, no one can claim not to have been warned. It takes guts to do this. No one enjoys admitting to having financial limitations, but no one enjoys being pressured financially either.

What should you do now? Talk to the bride about your situation. It is possible that she simply wants to go away with you for the weekend, doesn't care if she has to pay for it and that is that. Keep in mind that since there is no real wedding party, you don't have to think of yourself as a bridesmaid, and not having that title should make you feel a little more comfortable about explaining your limitations. It is great that you are bringing presents along on the weekend as well, but more than anything, you'll serve your friend and yourself best if you communicate openly, pay for what you can, and support her.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:19 AM    <link>

CONDOLENCE PRESENT

Dear Elise,

A friend's grandfather dies and I want to send a meat tray to my friend's home. Do I address it to my friend only, to my friend and her spouse, or to the family of the deceased? Please let me know if one is preferred over the other. I'd like to look like I have some knowledge of etiquette!

Thank you,

Friend In Deed

Dear Friend In Deed,

While people traditionally send flowers as a gesture of sympathy, your offer is also heartfelt and important. Food is sustaining in a time when people are most apt to neglect their most basic concerns.

So how should you address your present? In the case of anything perishable, you should use whatever form it takes for it to arrive in a timely and intact fashion. It would be perfectly appropriate for you to send the food addressed to your friend. Flowers, as a point of interest, are generally addressed either to "The Family of Deceased's Name" or to the person in the household to whom you are closest.

Death always makes people tense and afraid of doing the wrong thing. In sending flowers or food you are proving that you have plenty of manners. Don't be intimidated; you are being utterly gracious.

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:19 AM    <link>

NOT MY DAD

Dear Elise,

I'm hoping someone wiser than me can offer a little insight. My father-in-law recently told my husband that we wants me to call him "Dad" (I wasn't there and he hasn't told me personally). I know this is only about control. He has shown that he has little respect for me, and the way we live our lives. Appearances are very important to him, and I think he is concerned that others will think we are not a close family if I don't call him "dad" and we all hug and pretend things are great.

Anyway, I WILL NOT CALL HIM DAD. I don't even call my step dad of 21 years "Dad." But since my father-in-law is so disrespectful, calling him "Dad" is simply out of the question.

Is there a simple, dismissive, and "final" (yet respectful) method I can use to dispose of this issue and let him know he is not going to be called dad?

Thanks,

A Chick With Boundaries

Dear Boundaries,

This isn't a question of wisdom; many great minds have gotten stuck on your problem. On the face of it, and this may sound surprising, your father-in-law is behaving almost reasonably. He may be a jerk, but he's got the right opening move. Reaching back to those much-turned pages of Emily Post, one finds her saying that it is up to the in-laws to invite their child's spouse to call them something other than "Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So." In 1946, she makes this recommendation that shows she's looking out for interests such as yours: "Usually... parents-in-law are called by names which mean mother and father but are not the names which the bride uses for her own parents."

It is generally acknowledged that the whole question of what to call one's in-laws is incredibly fraught. Ms. Post and her kind don't tend to pass the buck, even they do just that when faced with this issue. While dismissing the stiff 19t h century creepiness of calling one's in-laws "Mother and Father So-and-So," they tend to imply that one should tread in your uncomfortable waters until the grandchildren come up with cute nicknames that everyone can adopt and feel comfortable using. To say this plan is presumptuous is a wild understatement- who knows if there will be grandchildren at all, and it is possible they might wither under the pressure to come up with something useful, and you will certainly not go around calling your father-in-law "Grandpa."

It would have been less controlling and ham-fisted for your father-in-law to give you a couple of choices and ask what makes you comfortable, but now you must step in. There is nothing impolite about saying that you don't feel right calling someone who isn't your father "Dad," but follow up by asking if there is something else, a nickname perhaps, that he wouldn't mind you using. The trick will be to sidestep the real problems you have with his request, and treat it as if he had made a flattering offer. Be gracious but firm about not having to deal with this false intimacy, and you'll stand a good chance of reaching a reasonable solution.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:27 AM    <link>

CLASH OF WEDDING DATES

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have been engaged for 3 years. Now that we're finally planning the wedding, we recently found out that his younger cousin is planning a wedding for the exact same day, unbeknownst to anyone else. She is firm in not changing the date, and we are willing to be flexible.

Her wedding will be happening in a small town, where most of the family lives, and ours will be happening in a larger metropolitan area. The place where I want to use is booked solidly through the three months we were considering. I don't know what to do, because I don't want to put the wedding off to 2007, but I also don't want to create family drama by making relatives choose which wedding to attend. If I had known she wanted that day, I could have just chosen another before everything was booked. Should my fiance and I talk to her again to see if she can move her day (which she probably can, but won't want to because she is rude and spoiled)?

Date Dilemma

Dear Date,

This is indeed tricky. Wedding dates are generally selected simply by calling "dibs" on a day and that being that. You don't mention in your letter if you or your fiance ever announced the day you picked to the family or, for that matter, if your fiance's cousin ever made her choice explicit, but as a practical matter, the person who names the day first gets it.

As for what you can do, there are few choices. I suspect you already know what would happen if you approached the cousin: there will be all sorts of emoting and little progress, since she would probably fail to recognize your desire to make things more comfortable for everyone and would only angrily protect her "day." This would leave you with a sullen cousin-in-law who will threaten to rain on your parade.

To ward this off, ask yourself: Could you get married outside the 3-month window you set for yourselves? Is it possible to select another location? Could your dream location offer you an alternative day (say, a Friday or a Sunday) or put you on a list if there is a cancellation? There are a lot of possibilities to explore. Weddings demand compromise, and this may be a chance for you to figure out exactly what elements are most important to you.

It may not seem fair and your fiance's cousin may be difficult, but if she did make her arrangements first, you would be wise to accept her decision and not have to deal with her. Remember, everything costs something and you may find yourself happy not to owe your almost relative a favor.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:32 PM    <link>

RESPONSE CARD STOWAWAYS

Dear Elise,

My friend sent out invitations for her wedding reception for 200 people (family and close friends). She had only invited 2 guests per invitation and had 2 lines on her response cards for RSVPs.

Example:

M_______________________________________

M_______________________________________

This guest has written in: "5 guests" (some of her friends possibly), between the 2 lines. What is the proper way if any to respond that only 2 were invited?

Thank you,

- What to Do?

Dear What to Do,

Your friend's prospective guests seem to have confused the wedding reception with a kegger, unless something happened while I was distracted and fraternity parties have suddenly gotten all proper in the twenty-first century.

Promising to come with three extra people in tow entails a kind of presumption that is immune to subtle hints. Your friend must now act swiftly, pick up the telephone and tell her friend that she can only accommodate the two people she invited. She doesn't need to explain herself further.

These friends may try blackmail. They may threaten to boycott the festivities if the extra guests are not permitted to attend. Your friend must call this bluff. She must refuse to negotiate with terrorists and here is what she can say: "I'm sorry you can't make it. The RSVP date is December 15th, please let me know if your plans change before then."

Sweet and simple. Your friend can even say this with a smile. Being gracious does not mean having to accommodate someone else's party.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:45 PM    <link>

WHERE OH WHERE TO WED?

Dear Elise,

I live 3 hours away from most of my family (in my fiance's hometown). I have lived down here since graduating college and I want to have my wedding here. I like the area and I don't want plan a long distance wedding when I return to school. We are planning the wedding for next spring.

My parents feel that I should have the wedding in my hometown (3 hours away) because it is proper etiquette, and some older relatives wouldn't have to travel. They feel that if I insist upon having it down here where I live now, I should pay for all of my relatives' accommodations for the wedding weekend. I am planning on inviting most of my family so there will probably be 150 people. My parents may contribute some money towards the wedding, and I am not planning an extravagant wedding.

I feel that if my family doesn't want to travel 3 hours and spend $50 for a hotel room, they don't need to come. All I really want is to have a nice, fun wedding for all involved without creating rifts. If some of my family members are unable to come because of cost, I completely understand, but would love to see them.

Help! This is my first wedding and I am already a little dizzy from everything else!

- Dizzy First-time Bride

Dear Dizzy,

I hope you never lose your dizziness to experience, and you don't have to be embarrassed for not knowing what to do about where to get married. These decisions are not always obvious.

The standard line offered by traditionalists is that weddings should take place in the bride's hometown. This seems reasonable, given that the bride's family was the family that hosted the event (this is still often the case, of course), but consider how dated that recommendation is, what with the popularity of destination weddings, the fact that some brides don't have home towns, all manner of practical concerns and the intense and inexplicable affinities people form to places. . . like Las Vegas and the Empire State Building.

You can decide to get married anywhere you like and not breech any rules of etiquette, but pleasing your family is a different matter. It is possible they are concerned about the long drive and the hotels, but your parents may also be a bit put out by the fact that this is your fiance's hometown. They may be worried that your family will have to travel while his will not. Parents can get competitive around their children's nuptials.

If you are firm about wanting to have your wedding where you live, and that decision is utterly reasonable, start talking to your parents about ways you can make them happier. You could, for instance, offer to take the money they're offering you and put it towards subsidizing a block of hotel rooms for your family.

At bottom, the decision is yours and will not violate any delicate rules of etiquette. What you must do is negotiate a way to make your family happy with your choice. Offer some compromises and see if they come around.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:39 AM    <link>

HOW TO SEAT

Dear Elise:

What is the proper protocol for seating spouses at formal dinners? Should they be seated at the same table or separated? Should there be individual seating charts at each table or after being assigned to a table should that be left up to the guest?

Thanks!

Ready With the Place Cards

Dear Place Cards,

Are you sure you want to ask? This question opens up a world of traditions and practices over which people can natter for hours.

You've been warned.

If actual places are assigned (with names on cards), the general ground rules are: spouses should not sit together and men and women should alternate, if possible. The host has the female guest of honor at his right, while the hostess has keeps the male guest of honor on her right. This can happen at the same or separate tables. Older etiquette texts (Emily Post in the 1940's, for instance) tend to refer to guests as having "ranks," and suggest seating people accordingly. You may not have an official rank for your guests, however, the one thing you should be careful to do is to guard against creating a "dud" table. No one wants to feel like a bore. At large events, spouses are often seated at different tables altogether. I suspect this last tradition is fading somewhat, but it is still the style in many circles.

A second, more contemporary, less formal technique is to assign tables, but have the guests seat themselves. I do not see how this rewards, since one of the primary reasons to assign seats is to facilitate conversation and let guests make new acquaintances. Leaving people to their own devices will inevitably result in less mixing, and more cliquing. Your decision to invoke more or less control depends on the type of crowd you have and the degree of formality you want.

Do not feel you are being a dictator. People enjoy a little structure, and a seating assignment is not (usually) a prison sentence. It is your job to make sure that you cast the tables with groups of people who might have something to say to one another. Keep in mind that by playing matchmaker in this way, you are also playing peacemaker because you can easily keep people who don't get along so far away from one another that they might not even be aware of an offending presence.

Embrace your inner control freak and enjoy your dinner.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:29 PM    <link>

CASH IN HAND

Dear Elise:

My Grandmother passed away recently. Everything has been paid for, my Aunt carried out her wishes. "Donations" were to be made to the Church in her name.

A co-worker attended the viewing and handed me a card; instructing me to not let "it" out of my sight. Later that evening, while alone I opened the card addressed to me, not "to the family of...". Inside the card, were many signatures & notes of sympathy from about 50 of my co-workers, and a small bundle of cash.

What am I supposed to do with this money?? If it was to be contributed to the church, shouldn't they have done that? Am I supposed to split it with my siblings? (My father already passed away & his wife has no contact with us). Am I supposed to keep it? They also sent flowers, so I will be personally sending and addressing the Thank-you card, a personal one - not the generic one from the funeral home.

Please advise.

Anxiously holding the bag

Dear Bag Holder,

Please let me add my condolences to your pile. I’m very sorry for your loss.

It seems your co-workers have confused a bunch of practices- some to do with weddings, others to do with funerals. They're completely well intentioned, but it's understandable that you're somewhat baffled.

Standard funeral behavior in the United States (though this really does vary, culturally) is to send condolence notes, flowers or make a donation to a charity specified by the family or to the family's house of worship. It is at weddings, not funerals, that people often make presents of money that the newlyweds are supposed to use towards their new life together.

Clearly, your colleagues are generous and are probably operating on what is now, thanks to Jessica Mitford's fabulous The American Way of Death, common knowledge that funerals are extremely expensive. You should absolutely thank your colleagues for their kindness, and as for what to do with the cash, you have some options. If you are indeed strapped in the wake of the funeral, you can use the cash to offset your (and your relatives') bills. If you feel uncomfortable using the money privately, you can pick a charity and donate in your grandmother's honor, or contribute still more to her church.

It does not matter so much what you do with the cash. Your co-workers wish the best for you, which is more important than the awkwardness you might feel as a result of the gesture.

Again, my condolences.

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:25 AM    <link>

BOSSY BRIDE & REHEARSAL DINNER

Dear Elise:

My uncle and his second wife will be hosting the rehearsal dinner for my nephew. Last year, the bride's parents threw an engagement party without inviting any of the groom's family.

The bride has been making all the arrangements; and the wedding plans and guest list are very lopsided, favoring her side. My uncle would like to include his family at the rehearsal. Would that be a problem? As it stands, the bride has invited the bridal party, grandparents, parents of the ring bearer and flower girl, as well as her brother and 2 girlfriends.

My uncle wanted to have an open suite at the hotel with drinks and hors de' oeuvres. The bride would not allow this. She then asked for an immediate family dinner at an inconvenient restaurant that is approximately 45 minutes away from the hotel and named all the people she wanted to invite. My uncle is trying to be accommodating, but now the bride is requesting in addition that he pick up the tab at a local bar and eatery for everyone attending the wedding. I thought this was the groom's father's party and that since he is paying, he should also feel that he could include a few people. What do you suggest?

- Miffed

Dear Miffed,

Does this bride have something on your uncle or is he just particularly incapable of standing up for himself? Unless I misunderstand, the bride is using your uncle as a semi-sentient ATM machine, which will certainly not do. There is an enormous difference between hosting a party and writing a few checks, and anyone who doesn't realize that deserves a little disappointment.

Traditionally, but by no means necessarily, the groom's family hosts (and pays for) the rehearsal dinner. If your uncle wants to be the host of this party beyond paying for it, he needs to wrestle control back from the bride, while keeping her interests in mind. He can select the venue and invite anyone he wants to his party, though he should accommodate the bride's guest list as well.

While there are few hard and fast rules about rehearsal dinners, I must say that your uncle should not invite people who are not going to be attending the wedding. The most pared-down list of people to invite that one finds in standard etiquette texts includes: the immediate families of both the bride and groom, the members of the wedding party and their significant others and the officiant and his or her partner. (If finances and space permit, the event can also include additional relatives and friends who came in from out-of-town.) Your uncle can, of course, open up this list to other wedding guests and be more inclusive, but if he has a long list of folks who were not invited to the wedding with whom he'd like to celebrate, he would do better to have a private post-wedding bash.

Your question is not really about etiquette, because I suspect you don’t need me to tell you that the bride's behavior is excessive. It is reasonable that she and your nephew work with your uncle to plan the rehearsal dinner, but it isn't fair to turn into a dictator, with an eye towards satisfying only her own family's interests.

Your uncle should nicely but firmly make his plans. The bride may protest but he must not waffle. In bursting her bubble, he's only doing her a favor. A marriage without compromise is a little too Stepford-esque to be healthy for anyone.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:43 AM    <link>

INVITATIONS ARE NOT SUBTLE

Hi Elise,

My sister went through a messy divorce, but she is now dating her ex-husband. Her "friends" don't like the situation and never miss an opportunity to tell her she is crazy for dating him again. They are rude to him whenever they see him and call her all the time with friendly advice like "I hope you're not planning to marry him again".

One of her friends' daughters is getting married. My sister and this woman have been friends for years and their children grew up together. The wedding invitation was addressed simply to "Connie". No mention of a guest or even her children being invited. My sister thinks it was simply an oversight on the bride's part, (the mother helped her fill out the invites) but I feel it was another slap in the face because they don't want her ex-husband to attend the wedding. Was it proper for the bride to exclude everyone else in the family? I told her to send the response card back with a big fat ZERO for the number attending because it was rude of them not to include a guest. How should she handle this situation?
Thank You

Furious!

Dear Furious,

Indeed, you are reading between the lines what is actually written on the wall. There was no oversight. Your sister is welcome at this wedding but her children and her ex-husband/boyfriend are not. Her friends are wandering on the uneasy borderland between Rude and Obnoxious.

Now, what your sister does depends on how she feels about going solo. If she doesn't mind going alone and wants to attend, then she should put on her party dress. On the other hand, if she is offended by the obvious statement that her friends are making with their invitation, and resents them for presuming to put limits on her social life, then she would be well within her rights to politely decline. She does not need to explain her boycott.

It is unclear exactly how rude your sister's friends are being. Wedding hosts are not required to invite their single guests to bring a date. As long as this is a global policy that applies to all of the unattached, not just the ones who are dating people that the hosts don't particularly care for, they aren't really committing a faux pas. You don't know what sort of queasy invitation strategies have been launched by the wedding hosts in question, so the best strategy will be for your sister to decide for herself what she wants to do. Would she rather attend the wedding of her friend's daughter, or spend the evening in the company of her new old romance?

Either of those choices is perfectly proper.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:53 AM    <link>

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