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Monday, November 28, 2005

VEGAN TYRANT

Dear Elise,

My husband and I had a gorgeous wedding. Everything went off without a hitch, and we thought that all of our guests had a fantastic time. Unfortunately, we got an email from one of our guests who was really angry that we hadn't provided enough Vegan fare at the reception.

When my mom and I planned the catering, we included a wide variety of both meat and vegetarian options for our guests, including some totally animal-free things like crudite, hummus, and soy dips, and we opted for light hors d'ouerves and snacks for the whole reception rather than meals. Out of 80 guests, only 2 were vegan, and only one complained.

Was I really being insensitive to my guest's dietary choices? She's given me a real guilt trip about this, but I *did* provide some things she could eat, and I *don't* think I should feel beholden to plan my own menu, at a party that I'm paying for, to accommodate one guest whose dietary choices are outside of the norm. Am I heartless, or is she just being a pain?

- Carnivore Bride

Dear Carnivore,

Unacceptable, unacceptable, unacceptable. I cannot be gentle. It was your wedding. You were not running a restaurant.

"But, but, but," you cry, "that's a nasty attitude. I wanted people to have a good time and enjoy the food." Of course you did. When one throws a party, it is a natural and appropriate inclination to want to feed people well. Intuiting everyone's gastronomic quirks and desires is not your responsibility. In this new century, one can reasonably expect a few things from most medium to large guest lists: there will be some strict vegetarians, some people who won't drink (others who expect to get soused), and a few who will refuse dessert. Those are the eventualities you might reasonably want to think about when planning a menu. Beyond that, I think it is fair to imagine that people can take responsibility for their diets.

This is not to say that I don't sympathize with your friend's food restrictions but her demand is entirely unreasonable. People who, for philosophical or biological reasons, have special gastronomic requirements must be proactive. This means they should order appropriately in restaurants and make the best of things when they can't control what is served. It is simply impossible for hosts to cater to everyone's allergies, diets, sensitivities, moods and tastes. Several months ago, I went to a so-called "small" wedding with about eighty guests. Among them were four confirmed vegetarians, one person with a deadly allergy (peanuts), another who gets unmentionable gastric distress from rosemary, and an Atkins dieter. And these were only the eating issues that the bride knew about. Who knows how many other guests were being blessedly discreet about their dietary eccentricities?

It would not be going too far, I don't think, to suggest that your friend has something on her mind beyond the food. Perhaps she isn't getting enough attention at home, maybe she wants more attention from you. Her complaint is obnoxious, controlling and rude. You did take her (and your other friends') needs into account and provided food for them; so what if you happened not to have selected her favorite treats? A vegan acquaintance of mine refuses to let her eating choices cramp her, or her host's, style and almost always travels with a stash of snacks. (While she doesn't require non-vegans to veganize for her, she does occasionally wish things were different, and will glance towards one's shrimp cocktail and murmur: "My first pet was a crayfish.")

At bottom, your friend is being a bully. Any curiosity you may have about why she might want to push you around is natural, but don't take her bait about ignoring her needs. You didn't. You didn't hold her hostage for the weekend; you didn't force her to eat her first pet. It wasn't her birthday. This was one meal that wasn't quite what your friend hoped for. So what? This wasn't an occasion dedicated to her happiness.

Rest easy, you're in the clear. When you want to deal with your friend, you may want to let her know you're sorry she feels the way she does and then perhaps ask what's really bothering her.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:19 PM    <link>

FATHER-IN-LAW WANTS TO KNOW

Dear Elise,

Because my husband and I just bought a house and were paying for our entire wedding ourselves, we decided to keep costs down by drastically cutting our guest list. Our list included only close friends and immediate family. My husband's father insisted that he must invite his friends, business associates and family (family that are not close to us or him, for that matter). We were firm and laid down this rule: he could invite anyone he wanted - as long as he paid for their dinner. We gave him the price per person, and he, after voicing his distaste, agreed.

We received the money for his guests from him right on time, and thought that the matter was put to rest. Our wedding was beautiful, and if I do say so myself, no one would have known that our budget was so small.

Now my father-in-law wants us to tell him how much in cash gifts each of his guests gave us. We did receive some gifts from his guests that more than "covered their plates." I'm not sure how he's planning to use this information - if we decide to divulge the information - but we need some advice to deal with the repercussions of giving him the figure as well as telling him it's none of his business.

Thank you!

Should We Say?

Dear Should We Say,

You father-in-law seems to get what he wants most of the time. It would not hurt him at all to stymie him in this case since, indeed, the wedding presents you received are none of his business.

Do you think he is operating on the assumption that guests must "pay for their plates" at weddings? If so, he is completely mistaken, and if he thinks you should pay him back the cost of those plates he paid for, he is, once again, entirely wrong. Presumably, his interest in inviting his business associates and extended family had to do more with networking than socializing. There is no harm in this and he got what he wanted from the deal. His interest in their gifts to you is more than a little intrusive.

This still leaves you in the squirmy position of having to deal with his prying queries, and depending on how you and your husband feel there are a few routes you can take. You can tell him directly that you are very grateful for all of your presents but would rather not discuss the relative price tags of any of them. You can speak generally and evasively, and say what you intend to do with the money. ("Oh, we've decided to put Mr. LaDeDa's present towards a new boiler for the house. Did we tell you ours blew up? It's a good thing it happened before Halloween, let me tell you, because..." And change the subject.)

Now, your father-in-law may have a few reasons to be interested in this information. He may want to ask you to refund a portion of the amount he spent on your wedding or he may be trying to gauge in some misguided way, how significant he is to his colleagues and family members, using the dollar amount of their presents as an index. If you decide to spill the information, these are just a couple of things you leave yourself open to having to deal with.

You and your husband should decide together how to handle his father and how far you will let him push you. There is nothing wrong with pushing back gently. He paid for some of the guests and never asked for any reimbursement. You don't owe him. You can be polite and discreet, and remember, you are not rude for wanting to demure. You can always say that talking about finances, yours and those of your guests, makes you uncomfortable and you'd rather not.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:38 PM    <link>

ANNOUNCING AN ENGAGEMENT

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend popped the question and I couldn’t be more thrilled and excited! I also couldn’t be more confused as to what comes next. We want to do something very quiet and low-key (think Vegas) and then perhaps a party at a later date to celebrate with friends and family.

I am wondering about sending out engagement announcements. How do these work exactly? Are people obligated to send a gift when they receive the announcement? Most of our friends and family have been told of the good news already. Is it redundant to send an announcement?

As you can see, I need some major help here!

Thanks in advance,

New to This

Dear New to This,

You know you're living in the age of excess when a Las Vegas event can be described as quiet and low key. Your plan is a solid one, and not at all uncommon, but for many reasons, not the least being the vagueness of your nuptial schemes, you should take the standard, cautious route with announcing your engagement. Traditionally, engagements are announced in two ways: by newspaper and by word of mouth.

Note that neither of these methods uses a printed card, and there's good reason for that. When it appears in the newspaper, people can discover the news on their own. It is public knowledge, out there for your first grade teacher and every middle school tormentor to discover. When passed on by telephone calls or thrown into conversation at lunch or over drinks, you are again, spreading the news informally, casually, and presumably the grapevine will carry word of your engagement still further.

The advantage here is that you don't have to worry about missed signals or mixed messages. If you were to mail an engagement announcement to your acquaintance, there is a good chance everyone would expect an invitation, and you want to control your guest list and the expectations of your friends and family as much as you possibly can. No one will think you're fishing for presents and everyone will be happy to hear good news without trying to see if there is any subtext.

If you do feel the need to print up an announcement of something, wait until you actually are married, then you can send out a wedding announcement. For now, just plan your wedding and be happy that this is one bit of stationery you don't have to deal with.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:12 AM    <link>

INVITED TO "WRONG" SHOWER

Dear Elise,

One of my best friends is getting married in the spring. She has a large family and a large group of friends, and as a result is having two showers: one with her friends and one with her female relatives. Another friend is hosting the "friend" shower. This woman and I used to be close but now no longer speak. We had a falling out three years ago over her own wedding shower. I have tried to mend fences with her a couple of times, but it has never worked. We have been at mutual friends' homes and another wedding and we just ignore each other. No big deal for me.

The bride casually mentioned that I am being invited to the "family shower." I asked why and she said she wants to make sure I'm not uncomfortable at the ex-friend's house. I said that I didn't care any more and that the focus will be on her, not on a three-year-old catfight. She said that I was being mature and my ex-friend isn't over it, and more than anything she doesn't want any sour pusses to ruin her shower.

I think I am being invited to both showers. I am the only friend invited to the family shower, and I will only know the bride her mother and her sister-in-law. I would feel way more uncomfortable there than the other situation. All of our friends will be wondering why I wasn't there. I don't understand why I am put in the position of feeling unwelcome at my very good friend's bridal shower.

What if I'm only invited to the family shower? I really don't want this to get out of hand but every time it comes up the bride gets an edge to her voice and says: "We only invited you to the family shower so you will be comfortable." I don't say anything negative about the ex-friend, I just try to reassure her that I am fine with attending the friend shower and that I won't feel uncomfortable to not worry about it. But I am starting to get offended, we are very close and I want to be a part of her shower. But why should I go to the trouble and expense of attending any showers and her wedding when my presence there doesn't seem all that important to her anyway.

Lost

Dear Lost,

You find yourself in a classic "life is not fair" situation, and the only thing to do is to be gracious and take your cues from your friend, the bride.

Your friend has been quite clear about what she wants you to do, which is to go to her "family shower." She probably thinks this plan is the solution to all of her problems: she can still include you in this important event while maintaining the peace with the friend who is hosting her other party.

It doesn't matter that you are no longer angry about your ancient falling out with the shower hostess. The problem is not with you. Consider the bride's position. She wants to invite you but feels inclined to accommodate the shower hostess. She knows that you are mature and flexible and probably hopes you will take the invitation to her family shower as an honor- that you are the one friend she wants to include at the party populated by the people most likely to embarrass her- her relatives.

If you are not invited to the "friends' shower" it would be unwise to crash the party. You would only inspire discomfort and you wouldn't be able to have a good time feeling close to your friend with the hostess glaring daggers at you.

I urge you not to take this badly. You are not being punished; you are being invited to a different party. The bride does want to see you and wants you close to her, but she probably doesn't feel capable of making demands on the woman who is hosting the friends' shower. This places you in a situation that is not ideal but far from awful. You certainly don't have to attend either shower. You can always send the bride a present or a note with all of your best wishes and apologies for your absence, but if you care about her feelings, you will follow her cues.

This is an unfortunate situation to be in, but I urge you not to make it larger than it is. Have a wonderful time at the wedding and be happy that your exposure to your ex-friend is that much more limited.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:24 AM    <link>

BRUNCH ATTIRE

Dear Elise,

Could your please tell me the proper attire for a Brunch? I recently attended one at my church on a Saturday morning. There were people in everything from evening attire to shorts. I live in the south and since it is fall. I chose to wear a tan colored linen pant suit. The weather was eighty degrees. The outfit is for the fall season. Was this appropriate? Some women had on velvet dresses...terribly hot for where we live.

- What to Wear?

Dear What to Wear?

Are you asking about a wedding with a brunch reception or a basic brunch?

If you are asking about the wedding, the answer depends on how formal the occasion is, but know that one is never required to wear something that is out-of-season and uncomfortably warm or cold. If the women in question felt pressured to sweat it out in velvet, some sadist misinformed them. For a formal daytime wedding, women can wear cocktail dresses (with a skirt that is neither mini nor floor length)- tea length is always safe. For less formal affairs similar dresses could be worn or something like a pant suit with accessories that pull it out of the office and into a celebratory mood. Remember, the less formal the event, the fewer overt rules there are, though it is almost never a good idea to wear shorts to a wedding (unless we are discussing one of those underwater SCUBA weddings, which have a different dress code entirely).

The same policy can be applied to a brunch that is not in honor of anyone's nuptials, though there is even less formality. If the brunch is a church affair, it would certainly not be inappropriate to wear your Sunday best.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:22 AM    <link>

MYSTERY PRESENT

Hello Elise -

We received a lovely trivet- with no card. We had 150 guests, and since many of them had to travel far, we received relatively few gifts (which is fine with us, but makes pinpointing the giver of the trivet a little difficult). We will be sending thank you notes to everyone in attendance just for coming, with a tiny card inside preprinted with the location of our online photos.

Would it be proper to also preprint a line such as "P.S. We received a lovely triangular trivet without a card. Was it from you? Let us know so that we can thank you in person!"

Or is that crass? Any other options?

Thanks!

- No ID

Dear No ID,

This is the sort of query I love because it captures the inevitable "something-slipped-between-the-cracks" problems that standard etiquette texts never seem to cover. Presents suffer from lost (and sometimes stolen) identities all the time, but very few have advice about how to track down their origins.

So, what should you do? As a general matter, it is unwise to discuss the particulars of one's presents in global correspondence. These are not subtle times, but the reasons for this are subtle. Putting this information into print like this is taking a private matter and making it public. There is no actual harm done, but it is a little awkward. Just as pre-printed "thank you cards" are widely discouraged (one really should compose all notes oneself), it is better to approach this question on an individual basis.

You would be better off taking a slightly stealthy approach to uncover the identity of the gift-givers. You can cross anyone who did give you a present off your list, first of all. Then, I would suggest strategic telephone calls or emails to family and friends. Don't be coy, but say that you have a homeless present that you love and ask if they know who might have brought it, because you want to send a thank you note. With any luck, and some psychological profiling (consider which of your guests is most likely to have given you a trivet) you shouldn't have to quiz too many people.

It will take some work, but you'll be much better off playing detective than sending out a global missive. When at last the secret is revealed, you should also send a thank you note, even though you may be exhausted. If nothing else, the culprits will learn to use extra tape when sticking their cards on, and when you deliver presents, you will never forget to make your identity known.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:16 PM    <link>

INVITING EX-RELATIVES

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I plan to marry next June. This will be my second marriage and his first. We are planning to have a church wedding with a medium sized reception to follow. I was married by a justice of the peace the first time, so I am very excited about our plans and want all of our family and friends to celebrate with us.

I had a very rocky first marriage. We never should have married in the first place but I developed a good relationship with his family. Though I have been divorced for 13 years, we get together at least once a year to celebrate family events. I feel especially close to several of my ex's cousins. What is the etiquette for inviting the ex's family to the second wedding? Is it proper to invite them, should I just invite the ones to whom I am especially close or just tell them that I am having a small wedding with just immediate family?

Thanks for your help,

Second Wedding / First In-Laws

Dear Second / First,

Your circumstances are happily unusual. Not everyone has it in her to remain close to her ex-husband's family for 13 years.

The territory is wide open, and depends more on the spirit of your relationships with your ex and his family than anything else. Keep in mind that an invitation is always a compliment. You don't mention how you get on with your ex now, but especially if you and he can be cordial with one another, you don't have anything to worry about if you want to invite his relatives. On the other hand, there is certainly no mandate that you include them if you feel uncomfortable, but in general, follow your instincts. If everyone is capable of putting the past aside to celebrate with you, then tradition-, which clearly derives from an inclination to keep everyone comfortable-, can be modified.

You can be as inclusive or exclusive as you like with your guest list. Certainly, given the peculiar circumstances of your acquaintance, your ex-husband's relatives would understand if you didn't invite them, but you know your situation better than anyone else. See how you feel. Remember that your ex's relatives might have their own complicated feelings so don't be hurt if some can't come. There is nothing rude about a heart-felt invitation and three cheers for maintaining these relationships in the face of all sorts of difficulty.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:43 AM    <link>

BRUNCH SEATING

Dear Elise,

I'm having a Sunday Brunch buffet reception at a nice restaurant overlooking Manhattan - where we will also have the ceremony - and many of the details of the event are fairly informal. I'll be wearing a knee-length dress, my fiance a suit; we have only one attendant each; and I'm doing the flowers myself (with help from a florist friend).

I would like to encourage our guests to mix and mingle more than they do at other social events, but I'm concerned that assigned seating at such an informal reception will appear to be control-freak overkill. Left to their own devices, however, our friends will head to their respective corners, and our families will be stuck staring at each other politely. Is it inappropriate to assign seating at a buffet brunch?
Thanks for your help.

Trying to Remain Cool

Dear Trying to Remain Cool,

Don't confuse being gracious with control-freakishness. There is nothing crazy with wanting your guests to mingle and meet one another and even in the most informal of weddings, it is hard for the bride and groom to do the work of making introductions.

Assigned seating gets a bad rap, especially with people who don't enjoy imposing their wills upon their guests, but it is a fabulous tool that no one should dismiss purely on the grounds that it seems controlling. People don't mind a bit of structure and a seat isn't a prison. Your guests can always hop up and "visit" their friends while helping themselves to more fruit salad (which gives them that tantalizing frisson of whispering during class), and when they don't have anyone to talk to for a moment, they know there is a seat waiting for them. Assigned seating allows you to keep warring relatives away from each other, it can let you encourage friendships among strangers, and it can provide company for shy guests who will otherwise creep to the silent sidelines.

Of course, you don't have to assign seats at all, or you can take the middle ground and assign your guests to tables and let them play musical chairs. You know your crowd and I suspect you asked your question because you have an idea about what would make everyone happiest. Don't be afraid to exert your will.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:02 PM    <link>

WEDDING LOCATION TUG-OF-WAR

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are making plans for our wedding. We are debating whether we want to get married in Canada where we live, or if we want a destination wedding in Las Vegas. I discussed this with my mother and she said that she would not be able to attend a wedding in Las Vegas. For her own reasons, she refuses to get a passport, so she can't travel outside of Canada. My mom isn't averse to travel- she lives in a different province and would come to our city if we got married here.

So if I marry in Las Vegas, which is what my fiance and I are leaning towards doing, my mom won't go. She is my only family. I am an only child of a single parent and we don't talk to our other family members. If she doesn't come, I will have no family there. I will, however, be surrounded by friends and my fiance's family, so people who care about me and who I care about will be attending.

My mom told me that of course she wants to see me get married. But she also said that I should do what I feel is right for me, that if I want to go to Las Vegas then I should. It'll be sad if my mom isn't there, I think. And I know that she will be hurt on some level if I have my wedding at a location that I know she can't go to.

So what I'm asking is, would it be proper for me to plan to have my Wedding in Las Vegas knowing that my mom won't go, or should we have our wedding in Canada? My fiance says we should make ourselves happy, and that we should still invite my mom. If she won't get a passport, that is her loss.

Sincerely,

Anxious Daughter

Dear Anxious,

The choice is yours, really, and depends on how you feel about having your mother attend your wedding. Some people would do anything to secure a parent's presence, while others don't put so much emphasis on the ceremony and are happy celebrating after the fact. Many people elope without their families handy and there are no hurt feelings, so don't think you would be doing anything freakish. You can be joyful no matter what you do.

What I suspect is getting you stuck is that your mother seems to be digging in her heels for quixotic reasons that don't take your feelings into account. That may very well be the case, but if there is nothing you can do to change her mind, then you must decide for yourself what you want most: your mother at your side or a Vegas wedding. Make the choice and see where the path takes you.

Your fiance does have the right idea. As long as you make it clear that your mother is welcome at your destination wedding, then you have extended every courtesy and you can hope that she'll change her mind. On the other hand, if you decide to get married in Canada, you can't allow yourself feel bullied by her (about this, anyway). The choice is yours.

So, take careful measure of your feelings and decide what is most important to you. Las Vegas and Canada are equally good places to get married, and each will require some compromise. Be open about your plans and gentle with your mother.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:41 AM    <link>

REMEMBERING MOTHER

Hi Elise:

My fiance and I are getting married next year and we couldn’t be happier. My problem is that within all of this joy is that my mother passed away when I was 11. I think about her every day, especially now that I am planning a wedding, something I know she would have loved. I am very close to my father and to my mom’s family. My dad is remarried to a woman who is helping with the wedding. None of my mom’s siblings has children and I feel a lot of pressure to seek their help, particularly from my aunt. While they are thrilled about the wedding, there is also a lot sadness.

I have my own things that I plan to do to honor and my mother on my wedding day (I will be wearing her birthstone earrings, for example) and I know that she will be on my mind. However, I worry that my mother’s family (which tends to get upset at events such as my college graduation because she is missing them) will think that she is not adequately recognized at the service. I have some ideas, such as lighting a candle or including her favorite poem in the wedding program, but I am wondering if there are other tactful and respectful measures that can be taken to remember her at the ceremony. I want the day to reflect the joy that my fiance and I have for our marriage, not to have the feelings of a memorial service. Do you have any advice for how I can politely deal with this situation? I do not want anyone to think that I have forgotten her, but I also want my wedding day to be a celebration of love.

Thank you for your consideration!

Motherless Bride

Dear Motherless Bride,

It is wonderful that your mother's family cherishes you and is so engaged in your life, and you are lucky to have so many people cheering for you.

It will be almost impossible for you to keep your relatives from feeling sad, or at least wistful that your mother won't be at your wedding, and you will surely feel this way too. But you are right that you don't want to create a memorial service by constantly going back and highlighting her absence (this is to say: you might not need a poem and a candle and several other mini-ceremonies). What you could do is pick a couple of key celebratory moments and remember your mother in them. Including her favorite poem in your program is a good idea. You could include mention of her in your ceremony, in which you'll have everyone's attention and getting people to listen to serene reflection doesn't require one to raise one's voice. You may want to honor her in a lighter context, and for that you may want to start the wedding toasts yourself with a quick one to your mother for making it all possible.

What you want to avoid is a yo-yo effect where you let people get all happy, the way they will at weddings and then demand that they switch gears for somber reflection repeatedly. Choose your moments well, and your mother's family couldn't possibly take offense. You want to honor your mother, and you will in ways that feel natural and meaningful to you on a happy occasion.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:44 AM    <link>

NUPTIAL MINEFIELD

Dear Elise

I work in a children's school that has been built by a small community from the ground up. As a result it is an abnormally close-knit and incestuous environment. Parents, adult children and stepchildren, ex-partners of the same man, and husbands and wives all work, socialize, and even vacation together. It's our very own dysfunctional but loving family.

My fiance is the ex-husband of a colleague (I didn't cause the breakup), and my child and their child go to the school together. Considering the circumstances, she and I get along very well, and we are supportive of each other in our relationships with the children. She and my fiance, however, can rarely stand each other and there is a lot of conflict. So there's a rather strange mix of civility and acrimony.

I have been very restrained about the engagement to date. I don't talk about it at any length in the workplace, and it will be some time before the wedding is a reality, so there is time for she and I to further establish how we deal with each other. However, as the arrangements pick up speed, there will be more talk no matter how low-key I aim to keep it. Many people around us will be invited, and she won't be one of them. (In an ideal world where she and my fiance were on civil terms - as they once were - I would buck tradition and invite her, but that is not the case at present, or for the foreseeable future).

How do I steer things in order to balance people's understandable, and appreciated, interest and excitement- not to mention my own- with being sensitive to my colleague and stepson's mother? It isn't realistic for it all to take place completely away from her radar, but nor do I wish to place it all squarely in her face.

She and I are able to speak reasonably directly, so I am willing to discuss the general "What are you comfortable with" question with her, but obviously I can only control my own behavior, not our colleagues'.

Many thanks
Stuck In A Soap Opera

Dear Soap Opera,

On the plus side, it isn't as if you are going to suddenly wake up one day and discover you are in a snake pit- you already know how complicated your situation is.

Feelings around weddings are so delicate and the fact that your fiance and his ex-wife have a child will only make them more sensitive. The key piece of advice that I can give you is this: tread lightly and respect your surroundings. By this I don't mean that you should cower in a corner and shield your fiance's ex from all information if your nuptials. She will get it one way or another from her co-workers and probably her son. The key will be not to flaunt your wedding, but to be low key and reasonable about it.

By all means you should ask your fiance's ex-wife how much information she is comfortable hearing about your nuptials, and you may find that she is rather accepting because of her son's involvement. Approaching her with delicacy and respect will only work in your favor. You will give her an opportunity to tell you what she needs while proving that you care about her feelings.

There are no guarantees when it comes to situations like this one which are volatile and changing, but as long as you do your best to treat everyone kindly, you will have done all you can to make your family, future family, coworkers and fiance's ex-wife as comfortable as possible.

Your work is cut out for you, but you've got a good start.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:32 AM    <link>

SHOWERS: LATE OR NEVER?

DEAR ELISE:

MY SON AND DAUGHTER IN LAW, WERE MARRIED DECEMBER 04. THEY HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH ME SINCE THEN. THEY ARE MOVING TO AN APARTMENT. THEY HAD A QUICKIE WEDDING AND HAVE NOT HAD A WEDDING SHOWER YET. IS IT TOO LATE TO GIVE THEM A WEDDING SHOWER, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST ONE YEAR?

THANK YOU,

- Ready to Party

Dear Ready,

No need to shout. Indeed you are way too late. Your wedding shower window expired about eleven months ago, and since a shower really is connected to the wedding in a primal way, your choice would appear odd, at best.

Another type of party is, however, jumping up and down, waving its little arms, desperate for you to notice it because it is perfect for your needs. I am referring here to the housewarming party.

These parties are held at the new residence and will let your son and his wife show off their place. It isn't a formal party, but then showers aren't either, and you can still send invitations, prepare the tasty treats of your choice and there is a tradition for guests to bring presents, though there is not quite the same gift-imperative as there is with wedding showers. If your son and his wife go for this sort of thing, they can even have the ritual staged opening of presents.

What they really want is a housewarming party anyway. Showers provide so much temptation to offer lingerie and various honeymoon enhancements and your son and his wife are probably interested in things that are more practical, if equally charming.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:41 AM    <link>

FREE UP THE RING FINGER?

Dear Elise,

I am a widow of one year and I would like to know if there is any etiquette to wearing your rings while trying to start to date. I have been told to put them on the right hand, but I have not worn a ring on my right in years. I feel comfortable with telling dates about my deceased husband, and have not had anyone be "creepy" about it at all.

Help me if you can.

Left is Right

Dear Left is Right,

First, you have my condolences.

It is amazing how one can get caught on the details- wedding rings, for instance- when one is starting to contemplate a new sort of life. You are doing something quite brave, and it is more than appropriate that this physical symbol gives you pause.

You are free to wear your wedding ring anywhere you like, and it is wonderful that you are comfortable discussing the details of your life with your dates. The reason you might consider switching fingers or hands is that, in the silent, unspoken way of symbolic gestures, people you don't know will assume you are married and dating is difficult enough without having to overcome subliminal signals you aren't aware you're giving off. If you are untroubled by this, then don't worry. You certainly won't be insulting anyone by leaving your wedding ring where it is.

This is not a decision you need to make immediately. See how it goes. If you get a sense that your wedding ring is making men balk, try a temporary swap. You can always put it back where it came from.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:24 AM    <link>

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

The wings of time beat quickly!

Today is the second anniversary of IndieEtiquette and I must thank you for all your interest and questions and I hope I can continue to assist and amuse.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:32 AM    <link>

SHOWERLAND: HOW MANY & WHAT KIND?

Elise,

I am a bridesmaid in my friend "Jane's" wedding. There are also 3 other bridesmaids: "Sally," another mutual friend, and two of Jane's cousins. Jane's cousins are both high school age and younger, so they really can't plan much of the shower (having financial and experience constraints).

Jane's aunts have recently informed Sally and me that they will be planning the main shower and Sally and I are to be in charge of the "personal shower". My first question is, What the heck is a 'personal shower'?

My next question is, do I have to be forced into giving one if I don't have experience with them and/or don't believe in multiple showers with the same guest list?

Any help is greatly appreciated!

- Over Showered

Dear Over Showered,

What I love about showers is how, in the absence of any actual protocol, everyone moves in and just starts spouting any old idea as if it were a pearl that dropped from the mouth of the Sun King. (If the Saint Simone's memoirs are to be trusted, Louis XIV's court was wildly etiquette obsessed.)

Now, really, showers themselves are not necessary, and while it is possible for there to be multiple showers for different sets of guests (sometimes co-workers throw one and a maid of honor hosts another, or there can be one thrown in the bride's home town and one in the city where she resides, etc.), but your discomfort is appropriate: people should not have to shell out for multiple pre-wedding presents at multiple showers.

I wonder if there isn't some subtext shouting at you, though. The aunts have asked you to throw a "personal" shower, and it is possible they are trying to ask you discreetly if you want to throw one of those lingerie or sex toy parties that are amusing to some, dreadful to others. Is this possible? If this is, indeed, what they are suggesting, do you want to throw this kind of party? If you do, then you probably do want to winnow down the guest list to include only the people who are likely to get into the spirit of things.

This may not be the case at all, of course, and you still have to decide if this is something you want to do. If you do not and you still want to do something for your friend, you don't have to throw a shower. You could have a lunch or tea or cocktail party that is simply a pre-wedding get together. As long as you don't mention the dread word "shower" no one will feel obliged to bring another present, and your guests will be glad to have a good time.

Don't feel foolish in the face of Jane's aunts' suggestions, and if you want clarification about the kind of event they are volunteering you to throw, you should ask for it, but don't let them bully you. One shower is enough, beyond that consider the lily gilded. It may look pretty, but it isn't necessary.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 2:50 PM    <link>

- ARE SAVE THE DATES ACTUALLY INVITATIONS?
- YEP

Hi there,

We sent a short, non-formal save-the-date email, saying only that we got engaged, and when the wedding would be, to 100+ friends, mostly just to let them know about the engagement, but also because our social circle is big, and we often have to plan way in advance, especially for summer weekends. People routinely send save-the-date emails for housewarming parties and the like, a few months in advance.

Now that we have found a venue, I realize, depending on which family decide to attend, we probably won't have room for all of those friends. Is it rude to send a save-the-date email and just not send a formal invitation when it comes time for that, or do I need to explain to all the people that there just wasn't enough space at the venue we chose to include them all?

Thanks!
Oops Too Many Save-the-Dates

Dear Oops,

Oh, oh, oh! If only you had just sent an engagement announcement and left it at that.

As it is, regardless of how informal your email was, all of your friends are theoretically saving the date for your summer wedding. They are expecting invitations and would certainly be confused and saddened if they never heard from you again or if you tried to skirt the whole issue by ignoring it. How could their feelings not be hurt?

If you are set on the location you have chosen and find that you can't invite everyone, you do need to tell all the people you have to cut from the list that you can't invite them. This is uncomfortable, to be sure, but nowhere near as hurtful as dropping them without comment.

You should deal with your friends as personally as possible, putting yourself in their places. If you were dis-invited to something, how would you like to hear the news? As for what you tell your friends, you will be best off giving them the truth, without too many extra details: you have to have a smaller wedding than you had originally planned and as a result, you can't invite as many people as you had wanted to include, and you're really sorry.

There are many variables when it comes to figuring out your guest list, and you only want to make one cut of people, so be very careful with your head count. These things do happen, but you don't want to be flakey and yo-yo back and forth with your plans, whether or not they are informal.

Everyone wants to be treated graciously and feel welcome at a wedding. If you take care of your friends' feelings, you'll only have to feel sorry to have disappointed them a little. If you ignore them, you'll have to worry about the friendships themselves.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:23 AM    <link>

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