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Saturday, December 31, 2005

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE

Dear Elise,

I recently got engaged, but I have been with my fiance for six years. We've had many ups and downs in our partnership, and over the years I have leaned on my friends when I've needed support, and celebrated good times with them as well.

One of my closest friends has made it very apparent that she does not support my decision to marry my fiance. I tried to talk to her about the tension I sensed when I announced my engagement and she told me that she thinks I I'm making a huge mistake. She ended our conversation saying: "obviously I will not be the friend you call to discuss your wedding." I always wanted her to be in the wedding, and we went from talking several times a day to not once in almost a month. I have not called her and it is a very sad situation because I feel as if I lost a friend. She is six months pregnant and has no plans to marry, but her boyfriend is telling our mutual friends that at least she had the "balls" to say something and, I wonder if my other friends are saying the same thing behind my back! This year is going to be filled with new experiences for us and I am now worried. This is the man I love and am marrying. What do I do about my friend?

Please tell me something...anything!

sincerely,

Bewildered.

Dear Bewildered,

It there is a bright side to this, at least you don't have to wonder about having this friend in your wedding party. The first favor you can do yourself is breathe a sigh of relief that your friend revealed herself sooner than later.

Now, yours is not really a question of etiquette. It is impossible to tell what is going on with your friend or imagine what she hoped to accomplish by telling you that she hates your fiance and then withdrawing all support and interest in you. If she has known the details of your relationship for six years, this could hardly come as a surprise to her. So, if she were truly a concerned friend, one would imagine she might remain loyal to you, while registering her concerns about the marriage. Her boyfriend is also making things worse by making you feel more isolated. Again, consider what they hope to gain from this and whether these are the gestures of real friends who are genuinely worried about you or people looking to stir the pot.

Because this behavior is mysterious, there are very few things you can do about it. If you still want to maintain the relationship, you could call your friend and tell her that you miss her and don't want to lose her, but that you are still going to get married. That places the ball in her court and she can decide whether to continue contact with you or not. If she maintains her silence, you will have to accept the fact that you gave it your best shot but the friendship is over.

Alternatively, you may feel, reasonably, that the damage has been done and you aren't interested in continuing a friendship with someone who treats close friends of long-standing with such contempt. In that case, cross her off the list and embrace your other friends. You can't do anything about her and her boyfriend's big mouths, but you can be happy with your decision. I'm sorry it is so painful, but you haven't done anything wrong, so you can hold your head up and be glad she isn't around to drag you down closer to your wedding date. Who knows, after she has the baby she may realize that life with an infant can be lonely and crave the interest and love she is denying you.

Then you'll have another decision to make.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:56 AM    <link>

BREAKING THE NEWS

Hi.

I recently broke up with my fiance, which is sad, but I know it was the right thing to do. No big drama, I just realized before the wedding that we weren't the right fit for each other. We'd been together for four years and engaged for one and I'd gotten to be fairly close with his two kids, ages 12 and 13. They live nearby with their mother. We had planned on them being part of the wedding and they were excited about it.

My question is this: My ex told me that he would tell the kids about the breakup, but it happened a month ago and I just found out he still hasn't told them. Apparently, he's changed his attitude and now he says that, since I broke it, I should fix it, meaning since I ended the relationship, I should tell his kids about it. Honestly, I think he's being incredibly immature, but I understand he has a broken heart and is angry. So what now? Do I tell them or do I leave it in his hands? If I do tell them, how should I do it (letter, phone call, in person?) and what do I say? If I don't contact them, I don't know if he'll ever tell them what happened, until the day they start asking why they haven't seen me in so long.

Sincerely,

Sad and Frustrated

Dear S&F,

There's no question that your ex-fiance is being difficult and immature. Clearly, he isn't thinking about his children's feelings at all, and only wants to create as much discomfort for you as possible.

This is not really a question of etiquette, I'm afraid, but there are a few steps you can take to ensure that you've done all you can to prevent any further hurt feelings.

When you are feeling calm and temperate, speak to your former fiance again and tell him that you are happy to talk to his kids, but you want to make sure that this is the really what he wants. (It might not be such a bad deal for you. In having you break the news, he is relinquishing all control of information, which could certainly work in your favor, since he may be inclined to paint you in an unfavorable light.)

If he is indeed sure that this is a job he wants you to do (and keep in mind that he may be worried that his kids will think he is a failure and worried about the way they will think about him) then you are free to contact them. If you have indeed been close to the kids, a letter is an abrupt way of cutting off contact, and doesn't provide them the opportunity to ask you any questions. You may want to speak to the kids' mother and ask her if you could talk to the children.

In this case, all you can do is be as proactive as possible. Make sure your ex hasn't changed his mind, ask the children's mother what would work best, and give the kids a chance to express themselves and ask questions. You haven't done anything wrong and the more you behave with dignity, the happier everyone will be in the long run.

I'm sorry you're facing such a difficult situation.

Cheers and here's to happier times,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:28 AM    <link>

BIG MOUTH BIGOT

Dear Elise,

My future mother-in-law's first cousin- the patriarch of her side of the family- is extremely racist. When I met him, he berated my fiance and me for our liberal politics, insulted women, blacks, gays, Mexicans and whomever else challenged his narrow worldview. Needless to say, I was offended. My fiance said it would be outright insulting not to invite him to our wedding and my future mother-in-law (who has been exceptionally generous and accommodating) also insisted that he be invited. Murphy's Law being what it is, he's coming! Now what do I do?

My sister is lesbian, the best man is gay, three of the groomsmen are gay, including one who is both gay and Mexican. My brother's girlfriend is Mexican; I have an Indian brother-in-law. The flower girl is mixed race and her parents aren't married. The rest of my family- and most of my parents' friends- are left wing radical Jews. Most of my friends and my fiance's friends also fit this picture.

My in-laws also told me that they want to invite him to the rehearsal dinner. Since they're paying for and hosting the dinner, I obviously cannot line-item-veto the guest list.

So, where do I seat him? How do I keep him from profoundly offending some unsuspecting guest? I would be horrified if someone was the subject of a racial insult at my wedding. My fiance has been rather nonchalant about it, saying he's sure the cousin will be well behaved or that we should seat him with an ace debater and let the chips fall. How do I make sure he behaves himself or at least harms the fewest people possible?

Thank you,
Who's Afraid of Archie Bunker?

Dear Who's Afraid,

With the exception of children (who are justly and unjustly thought to express their mother's and father's parenting skills and true colors) bad behavior only reflects poorly on the person (or persons) committing it, not the sad hosts who must contend with it. This is to say, if he is willing to reveal himself as hateful and ugly, people will dislike him and pity you for having to be patient with him.

There is no question that this relative is someone you find unpleasant and hostile and would rather not deal with, but since you're stuck with him, try examining the situation from a different angle. You've been thinking of him as if he were a shark in a sea of baby seals, but actually, no matter how big his teeth, he will be surrounded by predators himself. In point of fact, this errant cousin will be in the minority at your wedding, not the groups he despises, so if anyone is going to feel scorned, it will most likely be he.

There are many seating choices at your disposal, but you are right to be skeptical of your fiance's impish suggestion to place him in harm's way next to someone who might willfully provoke an argument. Treat him as you would everyone else. If there is someone you know he likes or who has a tempering influence, match him up with that person. You could also seat him near your future mother-in-law in a place of honor because there is a chance that he might behave with more dignity. On the other hand, you might already be plotting a table full of tedious people and you could stick him there as a kind of punishment.

In the end, this guy is like the weather. You can't control it, and no one would blame you for it, but it can be a pain in the ass. Chances are, your fiance's instincts are on target and his relative will keep his opinions to himself when he sees how alone he really is and if he sticks his hand in the fire, chances are he'll get burned.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:56 PM    <link>

RECEPTION ONLY

Hi Elise,

We plan to have a very small wedding ceremony with immediate family only, and would like to follow that with a large party shortly thereafter We are concerned about how to word the invitations to the party, where the larger group of friends and family will be invited. Part of the reason we are doing a small family-only ceremony is to save money. Don't get us wrong -- we're going to have a kick-ass party. We just don't want to spend a fortune on a "traditional" wedding. Our dilemma is that we don't want to give the impression that we are fishing for gifts from people who aren't invited to the ceremony, but are invited to the party. How do we word the party invitations so we can imply that we'd be okay without gifts -- that we just want people to celebrate with us?

We proposed the idea of adding, "Please, no gifts" on the party invite to my family. My mother felt strongly that we shouldn't do that. People want to give gifts, and that we would create tension with our guests.

Another factor is that we have been to 7 weddings in the last two years, each of which has been "traditional." Some of them have been really extravagant. My concern (though my fiancee disagrees) is that people who have spent a lot of money on us for their weddings might be upset that we are going cheap by "only" inviting them to the party.

Help!

Planning Problems

Dear Planning,

Would it make you feel more comfortable to hear that your plans are not wildly unusual? It is not such a strange thing at all to have a private wedding ceremony followed by a larger bash. This happens for all sorts of practical reasons (financial, spatial, temporal, but can also just be the way the bride and groom want to do it.

The standard way to word a "reception only" invitation would be to use language like this:

Host Names
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception for
Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
Date
Time
Place
R.S.V.P.

As you can see, it pretty much says it all, though of course, you can noodle with the words as much as you like.

Your "no gifts" directive won't get you anywhere, really. Those requests tend to be ignored by many, can annoy others and really will only cause confusion and discomfort. If people ask you where you are registered, you can tell them that you'd rather not have any presents, but it is never wise to put gift requests (of any kind) in print. People don't give presents as some sort of payment for the spectacle of seeing people get married. It is supposed to be (or appear to be) a gesture of goodwill and happiness for the wedding couple.

Finally, you are in no way beholden to your previous wedding hosts to compete in originality or expense. You are having the wedding you want to have that you can afford. As long as you are gracious and give people something to eat and drink that is appropriate to the hour of your reception, you have done all that is necessary. It is hard to feel that one is coming up short, but you must resist. That is the path that led to the phrase "Keeping up with the Joneses." No one wants to be on that road- it is full of financial anxiety and questionable taste. Do what makes you happy and let your friends know how much it means to you to have them there.

As long as you keep the group of people at your wedding ceremony as intimate (family only) as you say, no one will feel bad about being excluded. This would only happen if you ostentatiously selected some friends from a close circle and left out others.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:36 AM    <link>

ENGAGEMENT PARTY CONFUSION

Dear Elise;

My fiance's aunt and uncle are hosting an engagement party for us. The guest list is up to us, with a definite "the more the merrier" attitude. My fiance has a very large family (130+ people) and not all of them will be invited to the wedding. My fiance thinks that all of the local relatives should be invited to the engagement party, even if they will not be invited to the wedding. He thinks it's a good way to include them and thinks that it's unfair that people who are not invited to the wedding cannot be involved at all.

I thought only those invited to the wedding were invited to related events, but I think he makes a good point.

In the past, we've gone to several engagement parties for members of his family, and were not invited to the wedding. I was surprised that we were not invited to the weddings, since we had been to the engagement parties, but he thought it was normal.

My family is much smaller and all of my local relatives will be invited to the wedding (and the engagement party).

Is it acceptable to invite people to the engagement party but not to the wedding?

Thank you,

Quizzical

Dear Quizzical,

It's annoying, isn't it, to have such a murky, lawless affair be the first one in the whole wedding bonanza? The engagement party is a peculiar event, at once tied to and distant from the wedding itself, which is part of what makes it so confusing.

Traditionally, the bride's family throws the bash, which, in its strictest incarnation is limited to family and close friends. There is another version of the event, which is an all out open house affair- not a kegger, mind you- but something less formal, less organized and more crowded. So you see, even grasping at tradition doesn't help too much.

Of course engagement parties constantly break with tradition and are often hosted by friends or, as in your case, the groom's family and as a result the guest lists conform to these communities. It can happen that engagement parties are considerably larger than the weddings themselves. This is frequently the case with destination weddings. Other times engagement celebrations are thrown in one town, while the wedding is thrown somewhere else entirely, with a separate guest list. There is considerable variation. If it is the habit of your fiance's family to have engagement parties that include all sorts of relatives who aren't invited to the weddings, then no one will be surprised when an invitation doesn't show up.

Because engagement parties, unlike showers, don't demand that quests bring presents, there is a much more relaxed attitude and flexibility about the guest lists. This does not mean that one should invite people without thinking, but it means that there is less danger of offending. As unhelpful as it sounds, you will have to use your instincts and take counsel with your hosts. When it comes to family, you will do best if you are guided by someone on the inside. In your case, your fiance's family has a thing going and you're in a "when in Rome" situation. As a general matter, though, it is possible for people to be invited to the engagement party and not the wedding, but one must be considerate about how one goes about it. It is one thing to invite all one's relatives to an engagement party but only immediate ones to the wedding, and another thing entirely to only invite, for instance, one's favorite first cousins to the wedding (after having the whole bunch to the engagement party), knowing that word will get around that the less favored first cousins didn't make the cut.

This won't be the first time in your nuptials that the rules are murky. Give your instincts some exercise.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:21 AM    <link>

DATES TOO CLOSE?

Hello Elise,

I work with about 20 women, none of whom are my good friends, yet my boss says I should invite everyone. I like a few of the girls a lot, but there are a few that I hardly even speak to. I don't want to be a phony and invite girls I really don't like. What is your advice?

Also, my friend got engaged seven months before I did, but I have been with my fiance a lot longer and I feel that getting engaged so soon after she did made her mad. I didn't plan it like that, but I did schedule my wedding for a month after hers. Why should I wait to start my life because she is starting hers? She says she is not upset, but I feel it. We have known each other since we were kids and she is also having me as her Maid of Honor. She is not mine. I don't feel she is right person for the job, but I also have a sister who I am very close to. I feel like I am in the wrong, yet I also don't feel I am in the wrong.

What do you think?

Curious

Dear Curious,

That feeling of being wrong yet right is devilish, isn't it? Only you know the depths of your circumstances, but you must keep something in mind: there is a huge difference between intentionally hurting peoples' feelings and accepting that you may cause inevitable disappointment. The line is not really so blurry as all that.

There is no formal rule about office invitations to weddings, so the best approach is to make sure no one feels deliberately excluded. If you don't want to invite anyone, you don't have to. If you only want to invite your employer and no one else, that decision also makes sense. Where you get into sticky situations is if you would like to invite a couple of people from a small department and exclude other folks who would surely feel left out. If you want to ask only a couple of co-workers, you should remind them to be discreet and keep your own wedding chatter to a minimum. That will help you avoid workplace unhappiness in the days proceeding and years following your wedding.

As far as your relationship with your friend, there is absolutely nothing questionable about picking a wedding date within a month of your friend's nuptials. This isn't even an issue of needing to "start your life." Your life is well in progress and your friend's wedding is sufficiently distant from yours that there shouldn't be discomfort. If she is at all weird about your wedding, I suspect her problems come from the maid of honor issue. The maid of honor job is not one that must be reciprocated between friends, but I understand that you feel awkward about standing up for your friend at her wedding and not having her at your side for yours.

If you want your sister to be your maid of honor, you are not only entitled to choose her, you would be making the most traditional selection. There is no particular virtue in being traditional, but it would be a choice that your friend would be unlikely to find problematic. Do what you want to do.

The best way to ease the confusion and disappointment in your case is to be respectful of your friend's feelings and not defensive. Ask about her wedding plans and keep her in the loop about what you are thinking. You haven't done anything wrong. Remember that your wedding season won't last nearly as long as your friendship.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:20 AM    <link>

IF I DIDN'T GET IT DO I HAVE TO RECIPROCATE?

Dear Elise,

One of my fiance's friends got married in October. We expected to receive an invitation to the wedding. We moved to another state during the summer, and sent an email to all of our friends with our new contact information. The friend told my fiance that he had not received our RSVP to his wedding and wondered if we had not received his invitation because we moved. We said that we had not received the invitation, and while our mail was forwarding, that perhaps it got lost. He said he would FedEx a new invitation to our new address.

We never received the FedEx. I think that because we never received an invitation, we weren't actually invited to the wedding, even though he indicated that we were via email. Because we would have had to travel across the country to attend the wedding, I did not feel comfortable making last minute travel plans in order to attend a wedding to which we were not formally invited, especially since it was an extremely formal affair.

While we had initially planned to invite my fiance's friend to our wedding next year, I feel that given the whole situation, I'd rather not. Do I have the wrong attitude? Should we invite him to our wedding? Also, we did not send a gift to them; should we do so? I still feel like we were never actually invited since we never got an invitation, and am in fact even wondering whether this is some ruse in order to "get out of" inviting us, but covering up for it in a very odd way.

Not Actually Invited

Dear Not Actually,

You have two separate issues on your plate. It is easy to see why they're all tangled up, but let me sever them for you.

This is the second time I've heard about this mysterious "Lost Invitation" gambit (the first was on September 13th: "The Importance of Giving Straight Answers," and I hope it isn't catching on, because it's not just rude, it's a bit mean. It leaves friends feeling confused and in the awkward position of not being able to do anything without awkwardness. In both cases, people have been told to expect wedding invitations when clearly one was never sent. Perhaps the wedding couple is too embarrassed and timid to admit that they can't invite all of their friends and want to fob off all blame on the already beleaguered United States Postal Service. The idea here is that if the invitation never arrives, people won't actually attend but will also not feel bad about not being invited because they were, except they weren't.

Really, this is bad behavior. If you can't invite someone, you should be able to tell him or her. Everyone will live.

You don't owe your fiance's friend a wedding present. You didn't attend the wedding and really weren't invited. You owe nothing. If you're feeling on the fence, you could send a congratulatory card, which will relieve any unnecessary but perhaps lingering pangs of conscience you might have.

As for your wedding, even if you had been invited to this guy's wedding, you wouldn't necessarily owe him an invitation. Wedding invitations aren't a strict economy and receiving one does not leave you in debt to the wedding couple. Since you were not actually invited, you are really off the hook. On the other hand, you can invite your fiance's friend and his wife if you like.

This leaves you in a great position. You can do anything you want, and since you don't have to invite this rather ham-fisted friend to your wedding, you can also forgive him for being a bit of a dope.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:52 AM    <link>

BRIDESMAIDLAND: DISSAPPOINTING A FRIEND

Dear Elise,

My girlfriend and I are getting married next year, despite the fact that it won't be a legal wedding. I'm crazy about her, our families actually love us both together and it's going to be a fun party. To my surprise, however, I've found myself saddled with some traditional bridal problems.

I asked my closest friend from college to stand with me as my maid of honor, and she was thrilled to accept. I know she was the right person to choose. But I have another friend who I've known for years who will be heartbroken that I didn't choose her. Before my bride an I had decided that we would each have one friend stand with us, she asked if I would be having bridesmaids. "No bridesmaids," I told her, which was true at the time. But it's not true now.

And I don't think the point is whether a matron of honor is a bridesmaid or not (although if you think it's a loophole I can jump through, please let me know). It's my friend's feelings I want to consider.

I don't want to give her a role in the wedding just to take care of my discomfort (I have relatives who I'd want to read a poem or say something if we add another person to the ceremony). So I just want to be truthful, and also be kind. Do you have any advice on how to say what I could say? The wedding isn't until April so I have time to stress out.

- Already Stressed Out

Dear Already,

It is a tremendous shame that, after enduring the pains of wedding planning your nuptial pleasures won't be recognized in the eyes of the law. Your question hits upon etiquette's infinite reach and its limitations. Manners exist to create comfortable situations, but in the way that the world is unfair, they can't eliminate hurt feelings.

While there are some distinctions between maids of honor and bridesmaids that one could invoke, you are right not to bother with technicalities. It would only create more distance and weirdness if you were to start wielding a set of unenforceable and lame-seeming "rules." Etiquette, generally, is best left as an invisible force. It should be an influence, not a wandering bureaucracy.

So, as awful as it is, and having to disappoint someone really is miserable-making, you will be best off telling your friend the truth: you and your partner are going to have one person each standing up with you and you've picked someone else. Of course you know the situation better than anyone, so you can find the moment and the words that are best. Ideally, you'd talk to her before she found out from someone else. You're in a good position for this because you are still in the "planning" stages when a lot of decisions shift around.

As far as providing alternative honors, the best you can do for your friend is to include her and make her feel how much you care about her and your friendship. Maybe this means making sure you set aside a moment where the two of you have your picture taken together at the wedding. Perhaps you could have her join in some pre-wedding events, if you're having any, such as a lunch or "rehearsal" dinner (people often throw these even if there is nothing to rehearse).

Your friend will probably still feel a bit bruised but you will have done everything reasonable to protect her and still do what you want to do. You're ahead of the game, and she's lucky to have a friend who is so concerned about her feelings. Proceed gently and be prepared for a few difficult phone calls before April.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:57 AM    <link>

TINY WEDDING GUESTS AND PRESENTS

Dear Elise,

I am having a VERY tiny (30 people or fewer) outdoor wedding in the spring. We are planning to send out invitations, as well as announcements (almost the only real tradition involved) and we are two major problems. Several people on my side are inviting themselves or at least assuming they will be invited. How do I break it to them that after family and chosen family, there's just no room, and in some cases no real desire for them to be there?

My other question is whether or not it is okay to list where we are registered (only one store) on our announcement.

Thanks,

The Uninviter

Dear Uninviter,

Your first problem is the easiest to fix, though you will get sick of the cure. You must repeat over and over again to anyone who asks about your guest list: "I'm sorry. We are having a really small wedding and we can only invite immediate family." There is a lot of code spoken in weddings and "really small wedding" almost always translates neatly into "you aren't invited" when used in the context you describe. You can certainly tell anyone who asks that there is no room, but in the interests of peace, don't mention your lack of interest in anyone's presence. Put on your best bittersweet smile and say you wish you could include everyone.

The question of your registry is stickier. I see where you're going and why you think it would be convenient, but no. You can't in good conscience include your registry information in with your announcement.

It is actually rather bad form to put registry requests into a wedding invitation itself. The reason for this is that an invitation should not seem to be part of some exchange, a present for someone's presence if you will. Wedding presents are the choice of one's guests, and while you can certainly help them along by telling your friends and family where you are registered, it is best left to word of mouth. If people want to know, they will ask.

Now, in a wedding announcement (which gets sent out as soon after the wedding as possible, but not before), you have an even greater distance between you and your mailing list. Here people who were not invited will think you are demanding presents when they see your registry information. They will get miffed and you will never hear the end of it. Do yourself a favor and don't put the registry information into print. You and your parents will all get plenty of calls about your registry, so just make sure your families know what to say when the phone starts ringing.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:05 PM    <link>

WHICH NAME?

Dear Elise,

Is there a proper etiquette for addressing an invitation to a transvestite-soon-to-be-transgender person? My fiance and I are friends with someone we have both known a man. I have known him since I was 12 and he did not start cross-dressing until college, and has only recently begun using a female name. S/he answers to and uses both names, and has not yet had the operation (but plans to). Should we address the invitation to "Rick" or "Rita" or both?

Thanks,

Courteous in Kentucky

Dear Courteous,

You are right to wonder what your friend would want in this situation and it is to your credit that you are taking such care of everyone's feelings.

There is only one thing to do in a situation such as yours, and that is to ask your friend which of the two names s/he would like to use. Etiquette never requires mind reading talents, but you are right that that manners exist, in great part, to make people comfortable. You would only be doing everyone a service by quizzing your friend about what would make him/her happiest.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:17 AM    <link>

CHRISTMAS CARD QUIBBLE

Dear Elise,

I AM LIVING WITH MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER. I HAVE FOUR DAUGHTERS, WHEN I SEND A CARD (ANY OCCASION) IS IT PROPER TO SIGN IT "DAD AND JANIE" OR WHAT???
THIS HAS BEEN AN ARGUMENT THE PAST FEW YEARS.
THANKS,

Signing Off

Dear Signing Off

It's unclear exactly what you are asking, but from your raised voice, I can see that it is a sensitive question. In general, one should sign cards so that the recipients are neither confused nor made uncomfortable. Clearly your signature will shift around.

If you are sending cards to your children, it would be peculiar for you to sign them with anything other than "Dad" (or its equivalent) but if you're sending them to anyone else- friends, business associates, extended family, etc.- it would obviously be better for you to use your own name.

Are you asking about how you should identify your girlfriend? Again, this would vary according to the recipient. If she is sending cards to her own children she would presumably be "Mom;" and beyond that she has the galaxy of appellations one picks up over the years to choose from (given name, assorted nicknames, add-on names such as "Aunt," and the like). If your daughters don't think of your girlfriend as their mother or call her "Mom" it would be unwise and a little aggressive to force the issue by having your girlfriend take on that title.

Or are you asking a question about blending your family? If you are sending cards to your children from you and your girlfriend, you have opted for the best sign-off at your disposal.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:33 AM    <link>

ADDRESSING "AND GUEST"

Dear Elise,

What is the proper way to address a formal invitation to a person plus his or her guest? Should it read Miss Jane Doe and Escort? Miss Jane Doe and Guest? Mr. John Smith and date? Mr. John Smith and guest?

Thank you,

Confused

Dear Confused,

If you are really being traditionally formal, you don't have to worry about this construction at all. For the most formal invitations, you would need to find out the names of all the "guests" or "escorts" and include them on the invitation.

Having said that, there is nothing wrong with the "and guest" option, and it is very generous of you to be so inclusive. The standard way to indicate this option depends on whether you are using only one envelope or enclosing your invitations in both outer and inner envelopes. The standard form is:

"Miss Ellen Soandso and guest"

If you are only using one envelope, you would write "Miss Ellen Soandso and guest" above the address and if you are using two, you can address the outer envelope only to Miss Ellen Soandso and include the "and guest" notation on the inside. This may be confusing, and if you feel it might be too ambiguous, just stick with addressing your invitations with the "and guest" on the outside and on the inside. No one would come after you.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:08 PM    <link>

FILIAL OBLIGATIONS?

Hi Elise,

I have a complicated relationship with my parents, since my father was abusive to me as a child, and my mother always chose to stick by him rather than stick up for me (even though in every other way she is a fantastic mother and I feel guilty for being angry with her). In addition, they live in a remote, rural area to which I feel no connection. While both my sister and brother got married at my parents' home, I don't think they will be surprised when I tell them I won't be doing the same. I am also 30 years old, so I think it would be weird to not pay for my own wedding.

Would it be petty for me to include them in the event as honored guests only, since I am both financing and planning it without them? I don't mind including my mother in discussions about my plans, but I don't want my father to have any opportunity to dominate the event. There is always a very real possibility that he could ruin the day for me, as he has done on many occasions in the past. Is there anything you can suggest that would decrease the risk of that? Just telling him my concern wouldn't necessarily help: he has no emotional empathy, so he either won't get what I'm saying, or will pretend not to get it, or won't care. There is also a very real possibility that he will fly into a rage when I tell him that he will not be "giving me away," since in his opinion he is entitled to certain things just because he is my father, regardless of the fact that he has not been a good one. I feel very strongly about not making an empty gesture just to appease him because it would be representing him as having a special place in my life that he has not earned and does not deserve. Is there any way to resolve this dilemma gracefully?

Also, if they aren't paying for it and I want to keep the wedding small, are my parents entitled to invite their own friends or business associates, some of whom I may not even want to have there, or should I get to make the guest list?

Thanks,

The Piper-payer

Dear Piper-payer,

One of the most celebrated moments from the movie Groundhog Day has Bill Murray, careening towards certain disaster behind the wheel of a truck exclaiming: "Don't drive angry. Do not drive angry." Take his advice. Don't marry angry. You are absolutely justified in your rage with your parents, but for your own sake, try to minimize it when planning your nuptials. This does not, however, mean you have to suffer at the hands of a bullying father. You can absolutely give them spots of honor at your ceremony and reception and wash your hands of all other traditions.

You don't have to let your father walk you down the aisle or give you away in any sense. Plan the ceremony you want and be done with it. If he asks, you can tell him that you are skipping this tradition. If he gets angry, just keep repeating: "I'm sorry you feel that way." You do not need to explain or justify your choice and the more you try to, the more power you give your father. Be as ridiculous and intractable as the Internal Revenue Service. He may get angry, but he'll have to pay his taxes one way or another. There is no way to ensure he'll keep his lid on at your wedding, but there is no way any of his antics can make you look bad. The more nonsense he spouts, the more you will look like the sweet child of a narcissist starting a new life with a little distance from him.

If you are concerned with minimizing arguments and ire you should do your best to keep your issues on the Q.T.: do not discuss them with your mother. Do not mention them to your mother. Keep your mother in the dark. She has shown you in situations more dire than this one that she will side with your father, so rather than put her in a position where she can let you down again, simply keep everything to yourself. You can discuss flowers and dress fabric, cake and stationery with her, but don't let her get involved with anything deeply emotional.

As for your last question, you are not required to give your parents license to invite all of their friends to your wedding, but if you want to keep feathers smooth, and if you can afford it, you could give them a guest "budget" and allow them to invite a small number of close friends or co-workers. This small concession would give you a chance to shut them up about other issues, since you will have given them a little bit of what they want. Once again, in your circumstances, you aren't required to let them invite anyone, but you may want to keep the peace. Your wedding isn't the moment to punish them, but to show them how independent you are.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:26 AM    <link>

QUESTIONABLE KID LIMIT

Dear Elise,

I have two first cousins (siblings) who are 15 and 17. I am inviting all my other first cousins except these two because they are not adults and my wedding is adults only. I am getting married in my fiance's home state and therefore all my family will have to travel out of state. I know my aunt and uncle would come if their kids were invited. There will be no children attending my wedding other than my sister's three kids, age 4 and under

A few people have said that it will look bad to exclude these kids because they will be the only first cousins not invited. They are well-behaved and act as adults. To make matters worse, I have heard that my older first cousin is expecting to be invited and is thrilled because it will be the first wedding she is old enough to attend within the family. I am inviting the 17 year old to my bridal shower.

My fiance has siblings with very young kids so I feel if I invited these first cousins his brothers and sisters will get mad if we don't also invite these nieces and nephews. My family is very small, if my aunt and uncle do not attend my wedding my parents and my sister's family will be my only family attending my wedding.

My mother has suggested to her sister that she leave her kids at the hotel while my aunt and uncle attend the wedding. My aunt said she wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them in a strange hotel. My aunt has not suggested I invite her kids and I know she will accept my decision gracefully but I still feel torn and wonder if there is a better way to handle my invitation list. I think I would be insulted if the situation were reverse and I know my mother would feel wronged if it was her family not being invited in the same situation.

Is there a magic answer?

Cousin Question

Dear Cousin Question,

You're swimming in dark familial waters here, and you will really have to think hard about your age cut-off and why you feel you need to enforce it so strongly.

The ways to tactfully exclude children from weddings are well known. You can only permit the children of relatives or you can only invite the children of immediate family members, or you can try an age cut-off. Age limits are the trickiest to enforce because people will always want to argue the point. It is really up to you, but given the circumstances, you may want to consider either including all of the first cousins or lowering the age limit to 15. Understand that you are already in danger of upsetting people because you are inviting your sister's children and excluding your fiance's nieces and nephews. Families really do take notice of these things and if there is any chance of people getting angry, they will take advantage of the opportunity.

There really is no magic answer to your question. It comes down to you having to decide whether you can alter your rules to include these older children or not. I suspect, if you can find a way to open things up, particularly since there is nothing objectionable about your cousins and you actually want to have them there, you should try to let them attend. This would not only make them happy it would enable their parents to attend. Even if you invite all of the first cousins, you can still limit the children to "family only," but I think you will be doing yourself a favor by at least exploring the idea of welcoming your cousins.

Yours is the rare situation where you actually would like to have the teenagers around and your kid limits structure is getting in your way. If your self-imposed rule is cramping your style, you can throw it out and develop a new one. But know that your cousin, especially if you are having her come to your shower, will be happy that you included her at your wedding.

Good luck and I hope you find a way to invite these cousins, since it sounds as if you do want them and their parents at your wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:36 AM    <link>

POST-ELOPEMENTFORMALITIES?

Hello there,

I recently eloped to Las Vegas. My parents and family really wanted a party, so I decided to have one, letting them go through booking a place, I made and sent out invitations. I am also registered at one place, I know that isn't exactly proper, but a few people had begged me to so they could see what we wanted/needed.

I am hung up on how to do the entire reception. There will be cake and a meal. Do we both wear what we were married in? We are not having a DJ- Do we do any dances? Should we enter the reception after being announced or can we both be there to greet our guests as they arrive? What things should we keep traditional and what should we not do given our situation?

- Addled

Dear Addled,

You are in one of those rare but happy "Anything Goes" situations where you can do what you want. Everything is permitted. You are free to pick and choose what elements from a standard wedding reception you'd like to keep and ditch the things you'd rather not do.

If this sounds vague, it is, but it should be liberating. If you aren't having a DJ, you don't have to bother with the whole "first dance" tradition, unless it is important to you. You can have a big entrance or just enjoy seeing your guests as they walk in. You can't do anything wrong. Enjoy this. It is a rare event in and of itself- almost as rare a moment as getting married is.

Congratulations
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:08 AM    <link>

ATTIRE IRE

Dear Elise -

I asked my sister's two daughters to be the bridesmaids at my wedding (they're 14 and 15). I'm closer to my nieces than my sister, who is 10 years older than I am.

My sister has purchased the bridesmaid dresses, without my consent, without me even seeing the dresses first! I felt weird about it but thanked her for her help. Now I'm trying to find them vintage shoes but as many times that I say, I'll buy their shoes, she replies to my emails saying she can find them something at Payless. I did bring it up to my sister, she responded, "god, you're so sensitive. I paid for the dresses." (I didn't ask her to do this.)

Elise, I love style and fashion and one thing I was looking forward to most about planning a wedding was styling my nieces. Perhaps my sister is upset that I didn't ask her to be in the wedding party but I thought she'd appreciate my having her children. I've asked her at least 3 times if there's anything bothering her. Each time the same answer, not at all, focus on yourself, your wedding.

Should I swallow it and focus on shoes & accessories?

Signed,
Confused Over Shoes

Dear Confused,

This sisterly tug-of-war is not exactly a battle of manners. There is no question that your sister is encroaching on your turf, though she may be doing so with the best of intentions. (It is possible, for instance, that her children are given to being fussy and difficult to dress and she wants to spare you the whiny laments.) The question now is what can you do to salvage your design plans without rocking your sister's tippy boat.

Take matters in hand by being polite but extremely direct. If you really don't want to use the dresses she bought, you can tell her that you had something else in mind but you would love for the girls to wear them at another wedding event, if you're having one (the rehearsal dinner comes to mind). This is slightly tricky because the dresses have already been purchased, so if you're not feeling comfortable about nixing the frocks, you should assert yourself with the rest of the details. Tell your sister that you really want to purchase these shoes for her daughters as a present to them. This should take care of any fears she has that you will possibly pick something that is out of her price range. If she protests more, tell her gently that the design of your wedding is really important to you and something you have been eager to do for a while. Don't let her cow you by telling you that you're being sensitive or weird. Just repeat that it means a lot to you and you were looking forward to doing something for her kids.

There are some people who are genetically inclined to misunderstand situations, and your sister might be one of them. She may think she's helping you out, without realizing she's interfering with one of your pleasures, so try to diminish all of your irritation and tell her you must insist.

Tread firmly but kindly and she should come around.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:42 AM    <link>

WHO'S HER ESCORT?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I agreed that our single friends without significant others would be invited without dates. I made the exception for my two closest high school friends, because they both were dating people this summer.

One friend RSVP'd without a date, because she and her boyfriend broke up. My other friend, who has been in a fluctuating relationship too, decided not to bring her on again/off again boyfriend but to bring a college girlfriend instead.

I am furious. This friend tried (but failed) to bring her friend to my bridal shower and bachelorette party. The complicating factor is that my friend's friend went to college with my fiance and now he feels it would be rude to disinvite her. I agree with him, but wonder is it ever appropriate for a guest to bring a same-sex date, assuming he or she is heterosexual?

Thanks,

Invitation Issues

Dear II,

It is a bit unclear exactly what transpired, and the specifics make all the difference in your case. Did you send your friends invitations with an "and guest" option or did you address your invitations to your friends and their boyfriends? There is an enormous difference.

Your complaint is exactly why traditional etiquette tends to frown on the whole "and guest" option. If you want to invite someone, you should know or be able to find out his or her name. Once you have sent those invitations, it would, indeed, be rude to substitute someone else (male or female).

However, if you leave your guest list open and interchangeable (so that your friends could bring any "guest" they wanted) then this friend of yours is simply taking you up on the full extent of your invitation.

Now as for the gender of the "and guest" guests, as a general matter it really isn't a factor. People often have friends as their escorts. I suspect you are feeling angry because there is something about your friend's friend that you don't like. (You mention having to fend off her presence at two other wedding events.) At this point, especially given your fiance's feelings, it would be rude to disinvite this woman, who may very well have no idea what is going on. Think of it this way: your friend and her guest will entertain each other and you won't have to deal with them at all.

One must be very careful with invitations. If you feel very strongly about controlling the guest list, you must invite everyone by name. Letting other people pick their escorts is a perfectly good thing to do, but it does mean relinquishing some control.

Assuming you "and guested" your friend, she was in the clear to invite anyone she pleased and has done nothing wrong. This may annoy you, but just remember you'll be to busy getting married to do more than say hello to this duo.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:21 AM    <link>

HOLIDAY CARD QUIBBLE

Dear Elise,

I grew up in a very religious family and although I am religious as well, I don't follow as closely as the rest of my family does. After I became pregnant, I broke up with my daughter's father. My family wanted me to marry him. I am now living with my boyfriend who is wonderful and we are planning to be married in the near future. For Christmas this year, I want to send cards out with pictures of my fiance, myself, my daughter and his son. When I told my Mother this, she was incredibly worried. She didn't think this was proper.

I don't want to offend my family. Is it appropriate to send family pictures for Christmas when I am not married?

My example to my Mother was that many people take engagement photos and pass them out. Similarly, for Christmas, family members always want pictures of the kids. My idea was to consolidate these two. Would it be more appropriate to send a picture of my fiance and me and then include one separately of the children?

Please let me know.

Thank you!

-Christmas Card Conflict

Dear Christmas Card

What is your mother worried about, exactly? It is common knowledge that you weren't married when you had your daughter, and presumably your circle of friends knows that you are living with your fiance and his child. There is nothing that your potential holiday card could reveal that would come as an unpleasant surprise to the people in your address book. I suspect that your mother's concerns about propriety are more a reflection of her own issues than those of the world.

Unless you truly believe that the happy circumstances of your life would make your relatives and friends uncomfortable, you really have nothing to worry about. Family photos on holiday cards take all forms, some inclusive, some not so much, but that has more to do with the sender's taste and feelings than those of the world. I can't imagine what good it would do to send out two separate pictures, one of adults, the other of children. There is nothing to be gained from making a photographic distinction and no one will forget who the children are, and with whom they are living. It seems that you would be making your mailing rather exhaustively complicated for what it is: a happy greeting and a chance to check in quickly with the people you care about.

You have done nothing to be ashamed of, you surely don't need me to tell you this. The problem, to the extent there is one, resides completely with your mother. If you were keeping your daughter or your fiance or your cohabitation a secret somehow, then there might be a different set of issues, but as it is, with everything out in the open, you're simply doing what millions of people do every year- celebrating your family.

Married or not, there is no rule about Christmas- or any other holiday- cards that you are violating.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:54 AM    <link>

RETURN GIFT OF GUILT?

Hello Elise,

I have a dilemma. My husband and I were married in August, and received a group present from some of our friends, but we no longer speak to two of them.

One is a friend I had a long-standing conflict with before the wedding, and who was a bridesmaid. The other is a close friend of hers. Now my bridesmaid I no longer talk and at my former bridesmaid's behest, her friend no longer talks to my husband or me either, except to be polite in social situations.

I feel that, since my husband and I are effectively no longer friends with these two people, it is inappropriate to keep the money they contributed to our gift. The present was organized by one of my close friends, with a total of six people chipping in. While I know no one consciously pressured the two friends in question to participate, my former bridesmaid is extremely concerned with appearances, and may have overextended herself. It doesn't feel right to use the part of the present that came from them. I know I'm entitled to keep the gift, but I feel bad because the two people in question don't have a lot of disposable income.

My husband sees my point, and they would already have their money back were it not for his concern that returning the money would be insulting to them. I am not sure whether or not it would be - given the situation, it could be insulting to them that we have kept it. And personally, I would feel much better knowing they had their money back than I would using it. It has become nothing more than a source of guilt for me.

Is there a tactful way to return money to these two ex- friends? I have thought about sending them gift cards of equivalent value. Am I being fair, or bowing to my own needs to relieve my guilt over taking money from non-friends? My husband suggested I write you before we make a decision, as your advice has helped me in the past.

Thank you,

Gift Guilty

Dear GG-

This truly is the fight that keeps on giving. Not only has your friendship collapsed, you are in a position of having to dwell on this failure.

You know that the easiest and safest thing to do really is to let things be. What's done is done. One of the fundamental reasons why people should never give presents they can't afford is for exactly this reason. Really, a present should be something freely offered that does not breed resentment, and even if giving anything is inconvenient (or if one is giving something to someone one doesn't much care for) one should never overextend oneself financially. If these two feel resentful of the amount spend on your wedding present, they certainly can't blame you for their decision.

In general, returning a present is considered a hostile gesture. But you feel that yours is a special circumstance. If you decide to approach your former friends, you must do so with extreme care. This will be hard because you aren't speaking to one of them anymore, but if you want to open this can of worms, be prepared to start a dialogue. Keep in mind that no one wants to have his or her present thrown back in his or her face, and no one wants to be reminded of his or her financial limitations. Everyone is proud.

The only way to deal with this is to be direct. Call your former friend and her friend and tell them how bad you feel that your friendships have been so damaged, say that you feel uncomfortable with the present, and ask if they would like you to reimburse them for their shares in it. If the thought of these conversations makes you feel too uncomfortable to pick up the telephone, you're getting a telling sign that you should leave well enough alone. Whatever you do, you should not just send gift cards. That would only prolong everyone's discomfort and confuse matters. What you want is a clean slate and you can only do that by being direct and honest or by letting this whole business drift into the past. There is no acceptable middle ground.

You have done nothing wrong, and now you just need to take care that in your desire to purge yourself of all remnants of this friendship that you don't do more harm and open up a new wound.

You know these people best, and only you can gauge their reactions, but your choice is either to sit tight or have a serious heartfelt conversation, free of accusations and defensiveness. This is hard to do, but it is the only safe route to take.

Good luck and cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:37 AM    <link>

PARENTAL PARTICIPATION

Elise,

I am planning my wedding with my fiancee and we are finding ourselves at odds over where, and in some ways how, to have it.

Basically, we have been planning to get married near her parents' home, which is traditional, but which also suits us because her family doesn't have a lot of resources to fly very far. My parents, on the other hand, have the means to fly, but they can also offer much more. Still, is it right to ask my parents to also cover a substantial portion of the wedding costs just because they have the money to do so? They have to fly themselves, my brother and sisters, a couple of aunts and uncles out to my wedding site - not to mention put them all up in hotels - to attend the wedding.

Thanks,

What Are the Parameters?

Dear What,

You're right, of course. If you reach back into the last century, you'll see that most standard etiquette protocol has the bride's family footing the bill for the bulk of the wedding, with the groom's family paying for an assortment of things, among them: the rehearsal dinner, the honeymoon, the boutonnieres for the groomsmen, the marriage license, the officiant's fee, and the bride's wedding ring.

Of course, wedding expenses now are more often than not communal, with the bride, groom and both sets of parents all shouldering the finances together.

In your case, you know that your fiancee's family can't afford to contribute much and your parents are already paying for a lot of plane tickets and hotel rooms, so things already seem a little out of proportion and you feel uncomfortable asking your parents to pay for more. From here on out, your best approach is to be direct with both sets of parents. Even with their limited means, your fiancee's parents may have something they would like to take care of, and your parents may want to participate as well. You aren't asking for cash so much as you are giving each set of parents an opening. They can pounce on the chance to pay for the wedding cake of the flowers or the booze, or anything else that strikes them, or they can gracefully decline.

Keep in mind that once you make the offer, and someone takes you up on it, you and your fiancee are no longer the only people making decisions. If your parents are paying for something, they will probably have opinions about it and those ideas might not be the same as yours. So, if there is something you feel very strongly about, you would be wise to pay for it yourselves and maintain control.

Taking this route will let everyone feel included, and no one has to feel left out for any reason, financial or otherwise, but if anyone chooses not to participate, there is no embarrassment and you can feel good for having made the offer and for getting to maintain control over your nuptials.

You can't lose.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:54 PM    <link>

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