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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

WHAT IF SHE WON'T FLY?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I don't want to have a traditional wedding, mainly because we think a destination wedding could be more cost-effective for what we want, and also that I've seen too many girlfriends go through the stress of planning a hometown wedding.

The problem is this - my fiance's mother has never flown in an airplane, is afraid to, and has skipped out on vacations with friends because of it. We really don't want to go through with an expensive, traditional wedding at home. We want to go somewhere, with close family and friends. What do we do? Do we have to automatically rule out destination weddings?

Thanks!
Afraid to Fly

Dear Afraid,

I was going to alter your signature to make it more accurately reflect the problem in your letter (that is, it is your future mother-in-law who won't get on a plane), but in fact, your version is accurate. Your fiance's mother's phobia has rendered you timorous as well.

Begin by assuming the worst: that your future mother-in-law will refuse to get on an airplane. You and your fiance can approach her, of course, and try to figure out ways to get her to come around without making her feel guilty or defensive, but assume she will not change her mind about flying. Is your fiance willing to get married without his mother present? How would she react to your decision? Would you be willing to pick a location she can drive to or take a train to get to, or are you set on having exotic island nuptials?

Here there are no particular rules of etiquette that will help you beyond having to invoke a spirit of compromise. Would she entertain the idea of trying to fly? If it is at all possible, try to avoid the "who is most problematic" tug-of-war. That will get you nowhere. For every time you point out that all she has to do is take a valium or have a drink or meditate and sit still for a couple of hours in a plane, she will say that no one is forcing you to get married out of town and you are trying to force her to do something she won't. Instead, try to imagine various middle grounds: Would you be willing to have a separate celebration with your fiance's family if she refuses to travel? Would she consider counseling or other sorts of flying assistance?

It is good that you are in the early stages of planning because this is something you will probably need to pick through delicately over the coming weeks. Try to collaborate with your fiance and enlist his help. It is possible all you need to do is let her feel in control of her plans and give her access to some fear counseling, but it is also possible that if you're determined to have a destination wedding, you'll get married without her around. Only you, your fiance and his mother can negotiate what the happiest way to do this will be.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:53 PM    <link>

CHURCH ISSUES

Dear Elise-

My mother (who has a history of being somewhat unstable) suddenly developed a bizarre and intense hatred of Catholicism several months before I got engaged. Well, my fiance is Catholic and has belonged to the same church his whole life. He even went to school there. While I was raised Methodist, I had not been to church regularly in probably ten years.

After we got engaged we soon realized we would be funding the wedding ourselves. In the interest of keeping the peace, we started looking at non-church locations, but the cost of having a wedding in most of these places added up quickly. I don't want to ask my fiance to get married in some random church I have never even been to when he has such deep ties to his Church. Also, his church is beautiful and cheap! Clearly, I don't want to hurt my mother but she really is irrational about this. I'm struggling with the fact that I have to plan everything around one person--even if that person is a special one. Help!

Thanks,
Caught in a Holy War

Dear Caught,

Yours is not so much an issue of etiquette as you might suspect. Instead it cuts into the much thornier bramble of issues that one finds only with family. From an etiquette perspective, you can do what you like and, especially since you are paying for the wedding yourselves, are free to get married in any house of worship that works for you.

When you talk about expenses, do you mean that you would have your reception at your fiance's church as well? If that is not the case, would you really be saving money? If finances really are the heart of your dilemma, you may want to explore a few more options before committing yourself to a decision your mother will fight so hard. On the other hand, perhaps your fiance really does, for reasons unrelated to money, want to get married in "his" church. If you decide to do this, be prepared for maternal fallout.

Usually compromise is the best way to circumnavigate problems that center on a single decision. If, however, your mother is as irrational as you indicate, there is little you can do to convince her that your choice to get married in a Catholic church (with a Catholic priest and a mass, too, perhaps) is benevolent. (I'm sure it is, but we're talking about her perception, not mine. This is nothing like knowing she would like you to get married in white and deciding to wear pink instead.)

So, if you are determined to get married in your fiance's church, figure out what you are going to do, what kind of ceremony you will have and then sit down with your mother. Tell her that you understand her feelings but this choice is important to you and your fiance, tell her about the ceremony, especially if you decide to have one that has less of the Catholic ritual and language and is more neutral (though I am not sure if your fiance's church even accommodates in this manner), and reassure her that this decision is not made to spite her. If she gets too threatening, you can pull out the Card of Last Resort: "I'm sorry you feel this way, but this is what we've decided to do. If you want to skip the ceremony and join us later at the reception, I will understand."

And that is all you can do. You know the stakes better than anyone, and there is nothing etiquette can do to make your mother more temperate, so you are now going to have to do damage control, and as long as you keep your temper and allow her to skip the reception if she feels she must, you've done all you can do.

Here's hoping reason wins in the end.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:52 AM    <link>

ALTERATIONS

Dear Elise,

My future mother-in-law gave me her mother's wedding dress. I like the dress but wish to modify it (remove the sleeves and change the neckline). My mother thinks this would be insulting to my mother-in-law. I disagree because my fiance's mother told me straight out to do with the dress as I pleased because it's a gift. Am I correct?

Sincerely,

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

Your mother is, in a word, nervous. This is not really about the dress.

That said, you'll have to address the dress quibble because that is the focus of her worry. So, while you know that your future mother-in-law told you to go to town on the dress, humor your mother and pick up the phone. Tell your fiance's mother that you have some ideas for the dress and ask her point blank if it would be all right for you to make significant alterations. If she doesn't flinch you can trot back to your mother and tell her to rest easy and find something else to fret about.

All you are doing is humoring your mother and doing a little bit of due diligence. If you tell her that she's nuts, you'll only set the stage for more angst to which she'll add the complaint that you don't take her seriously. So, have a nice chat with your fiance's mother, catch up a little bit and congratulate yourself on containing maternal ire.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:33 AM    <link>

FACILITIES

Dear Elise,

I am planning an Iowa wedding set for the summer of 2007. A country reception is being considered, but I have some reservations.

My grandfather has a couple of barns equipped with refrigerators and a bar (we've had family parties there before), but there is no plumbing. He has a porta-potty on the premises for these parties. He also has some pizza ovens, his antique cars, and old arcade games out in these barns. I love the idea of renting a tent and having a unique wedding reception out in the country, utilizing the pizza ovens to make hors d'oeuvres, and having his Dixieland band play as the entertainment. We would also hire caterers to handle the rest of food.

The guest list is currently at about 200-250 people, and here is my concern: I know we'd have to rent MORE porta-potties, for the wedding, but will people be put-out that they have to use them? I'm especially concerned about the older relatives. Another worry is how I will handle the porta-potty in my wedding dress. I thought about buying a pretty white sundress to change into for the reception. Are porta-potties just a flat-out no for a reception?

Thanks,

Barn Bash

Dear BB,

Antique cars, arcade games and a Dixieland band- your grandfather sounds like a Hell of a guy and if he's offering, that is one terrific reception location.

As far as the delicate question of porta potties goes, your primary obligation as host is to provide some sort of washroom facilities, the relative luxury of which is really determined by location. In other words, it would probably not come as an enormous surprise to your guests that you had to bring in temporary plumbing for a wedding and reception in and around some barns. As long as they are clean, you've done the job. It is true that some of your older guests might be startled by the portable toilets, so in a few cases you may want to warn them ahead of time, not to dissuade them from coming but to let them know what to expect.

The question of your dress, as you can imagine, is not really one of etiquette but of practicality, temperament and fashion. If you end up wearing a large dress with a complicated train or bustle that could easily get dirty; or if you don some sort of outfit that demands you secure assistance before making a sojourn to the bathroom, you might be better off invoking your sundress plan. Anything goes in this case. All you have to decide is what will make you most comfortable and most able to have a good time.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:03 AM    <link>

IN A WORD: DON'T

Dear Elise,

A friend of mine is getting married and about 20 of us are having a little get-together in her honor. She doesn't want a "shower."

Since she and her fiance already live together and have everything they need, we are trying to come up with wording for the "gift suggestion" on the invitation. Some of the things we were considering suggesting are: wedding accessories, lingerie, gift cards (spa and bath stuff), cash (how do we word this?)

We were thinking of including a little note in the invitation, as if it were a registry.

Please help.

- Party Planning

Dear Party Planning,

Since presents are one of the defining elements of wedding showers (another being, I suppose, games), it is unclear exactly the distinction you are making is, but whether the party you are throwing is a shower or not, you would still be wise to leave all discussion of presents and registries off the invitation.

If people want to know what to get for the bride, they can ask you, when they RSVP where she is registered or if you have any ideas for things she would like. This is no quaint, outdated courtesy. It is just unpleasant to receive an invitation for anything that isn't a benefit that comes with a demand. This is the reason you are having such a hard time trying to phrase your present list delicately. Just leave this off.

Of course you want to save time and energy, but this is one place where you will be rewarded by treading lightly lightly. Your guests won't want to feel bullied and you surely don't want to bully them. So if people ask, you can tell them your thoughts or let them know where the bride has registered, but otherwise, let people think for themselves and spare yourself having to get tangled in language that will make you uncomfortable no matter how hard you work on it.

Have a wonderful time.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:18 PM    <link>

KEEP IT SEPARATE

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have been together for almost 9 years in Atlanta and have decided to get married in Las Vegas. We have a lot who have shown an interest in being present at the ceremony. Some of them will not be able to afford the trip and my fiance also has some elderly family members who live elsewhere and who would prefer not to travel.

I'd like to invite everyone to the wedding and have two parties: one in Atlanta and one where my fiance's family lives so we can celebrate with those unable to attend. I'm not sure whether to call these parties receptions, and how or when to invite people to them. Do we send separate invites, or is everything included with the wedding invitation?

Thank you for your time and help, hopefully this will be fun, not stressful.

Trying to be Proper

Dear Trying,

Simplicity is the key to saving your sanity. You won't be doing anything bizarre if you get married in one state and have celebrations in two others. It seems like the best plan for you.

What you really have on your hands are three separate events that will probably happen weeks, if not months apart from each other. You won't save paper or stamps, but it will be much easier on everyone if you send out all of your invitations separately. This will keep your guests from getting confused and spare you the inevitable addled phone calls.

You can call your parties anything you like. The standard language for an invitation to a reception after a wedding is:

Host's Names
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception
for
Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
Date
Time
Place
R.S.V.P.

You don't have to use this format. Another version you could try is:

Bride's Name and Groom's Name
Request the pleasure of your company
At a party celebrating their marriage
Date
Time
Place
R.S.V.P.

And of course, you can go to town and create an invitation that is as formal or informal as you like.

If you are concerned that people will get upset if they receive an invitation to your wedding with no mention of a local party, you could include a little note (hand written or pre-printed) saying that a local reception is in the works.

Here's hoping this helps.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:38 PM    <link>

BUT WE DIDN'T INVITE HER

Dear Elise:

My fiance and I sent out invitations to our wedding reception and purposely did not invite friends or relatives who are not in relationships to bring guests/dates because we want to keep the reception as small as possible. We received an RSVP from my fiance's former co-worker that was not invited with a guest, stating that she was bringing a female friend of hers. I found this to be terribly rude and asked my fiance if he was going to call her and explain that we are looking forward to her attendance but that we cannot accommodate her friend. He said that he would not do that because sending out invitations has its risks-one of them being people bringing uninvited guests- and we will just have to live with it. I also feel that allowing this acquaintance to bring an uninvited guest is not fair to all our close friends who are coming solo because they understood that the absence of "and guest" after someone's name means just one person is invited. What is the proper thing to do?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

There is plenty of room in this world for innocent mistakes and your fiance's former co-worker blundered into one. Give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she doesn't know the code of wedding invitations, in which only the people named on the envelope are actually invited. She misunderstood.

And you can correct her. There is nothing wrong with picking up the phone and explaining that you are thrilled that she can come, but that you can't accommodate extra guests. You don't need to be coy or embarrassed or come up with weird excuses. You have nothing to be uncomfortable about, especially since you are acting to make the rest of your guests feel that you haven't favored one over all the others.

Even if you suspect this woman is not, in fact, innocent, but trying to put one over on you, don't let on. Simply say that you're sorry she misunderstood and you hope she can still come.

Your boyfriend is wrong, by the way. Sending out invitations is not some sort of weird slot machine game where you put in an invitation and you might get nothing or 100 somethings back in response. That is what happens when you have a fraternity party and hand out "invitations" in the form of slips of paper on the street. You aren't doing that, and you can expect not to have a lot of extras showing up. Of course, if you and your fiance together decide that you don't care about this extra guest, you can let the matter drop, but do not worry that you would be behaving incorrectly by asking your guest to leave her friend behind. She is the one who is pushing. All you need to do is take a stand, and you can absolutely be gracious about it. Saying "no" can be difficult, but here's hoping the knowledge that you're not being rude will make the task easier.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:34 AM    <link>

PRESENT PROTOCOL

Hello!

When one is notified about friends' or family members' weddings, is it customary or required to send an engagement gift? I am an enthusiastic card sender, so that is all I typically do. I do know that gifts are customary at the wedding and the shower. However, 3 or 4 gifts for each wedding is way out of my budget!

Also, how rude is it to not purchase items that are on people's registries? I hate giving boring and impersonal gifts, but I do want to give the newlyweds something they want. Spoons don't seem to say enough! I would rather give a more personal gift, but am willing to stop if this is irritating.

Thanks in advance. It is already shaping up to be a busy wedding year!

- The Guest

Dear Guest,

My goodness. We haven't made it though January and already your dance card is filling up? The policies on presents are actually rather clear-cut, but to make them work well, you will have to leaven them with your knowledge of the wedding couples in question.

So let's begin at the beginning with the engagement. You do not need to give an engagement gift. Many people give something consumable (a bottle of champagne or wine, chocolates, perhaps) or skip the gesture entirely. No one could complain if you sent a card, but no one should really complain if you were simply to say- in person or over the telephone- how happy you are for everyone. This mostly depends on how well you know the couple in question and what kind of relationship you have.

The shower is really the only event of the entire wedding package that demands a present, which is not to say that wedding presents aren't important, just that shower protocol is really very specific. The entire purpose of the party is to literally shower the bride-to-be with items that will make her life as a newlywed easier. (Of course, the tradition has lingered beyond the party's practical origins, but the event still requires a gift.) In short, you would not be doing anything improper if you gave presents for the shower and the wedding and let go of any other twinges of gift-giving obligations.

Now to the big wedding present question: the short answer is that you can do what you want. It is not rude to give a present that is not on the registry, though it is perhaps taking more of a chance (unless you know the wedding couple singularly well). Not so long ago, registries themselves were considered tasteless- the demands of a covetous bride and groom. Now everyone expects them, and thrills to the convenience of being able to shop and ship presents without having to spend the time actually going anywhere. If you don't care for the things the bride and groom have selected or if you feel you have something better in mind, you can absolutely take matters into your own hands. It is not rude.

Some people are happy with whatever comes to them, other people want to exert a little more control, but you know best what sort of people your friends are and based on their tastes, you can decide whether to go for the food processor off the registry or the hammered copper bowl you spotted while traveling abroad.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:23 PM    <link>

HATE THE WORD

Dear Elise,

I have two of my best friends who have agreed to be my "honor" attendants at my wedding. One is single and one is married. My married friend is my age and we both agree that "matron" just sound old! Are there any new modern terms you can use besides matron or honor for a married attendant? I would like to designate that she is married, but I don't want her to feel like she's ancient!

Thanks!

By Any Other Name

Dear Any Other Name,

Really? "Matron" doesn't do it for you? Does it connote some sort of dowager battleaxe character? Or are you a fan of the timeless film genre, the Woman's Prison picture? The matrons in those movies are always formidable. . .

Regardless, there isn't much you can do about the word beyond ignoring it. My own grandmother didn't care for the word "grandma" for the same reasons you object to "matron"- she felt it added scads of unwanted years to her five-foot frame- and as a result her grandchildren called her by her first name and that was that.

There aren't really any terms to substitute for "matron." You could make one up, but that would just confuse everyone. Of course, no one would come and arrest you if you called them both "maids" of honor. It is a misnomer, in the case of your married friend, but the worst that could happen is that you'd have to deal with every smarty-pants in your acquaintance trying to correct you. The simplest choice would be for you to fudge the whole business by referring to both of your friends as your "honor attendants" (as you did in your letter).

So your choices are: intentionally perpetuate a mistake and call both of your friends your "maids of honor" (and be prepared for people to "correct" you); refer to them both as your "honor attendants;" or just use the word "matron" and know that this is hardly a permanent title.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:40 PM    <link>

PRESENT MANAGEMENT

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have conflicting views about our registry. He doesn't want to register anywhere and instead just ask for monetary contributions to our honeymoon. This worries me because some of my friends don't really have much money, and a lot of people would rather give an actual gift. (I personally would rather give a thoughtful gift than money.) He is concerned about getting stuff that people normally give at weddings that we don't really want.

There are SOME items that I would like to register for. My main concern is our anti-consumer lifestyle. We have very strict guidelines that WE follow when we make purchases, which as you can imagine greatly alters our options. Some people understand this about us, and other people just don't, but there are businesses that we approve of that have registries.

Now, our "invitation" is a website that I'm designing, and it has a lot of information on it since we're having a destination wedding. I think it would be possible to include links to "approved businesses" as a registry, but I've read that we're not supposed to include registry information in our invitation. So is it appropriate to include a registry in our online invitation? And is it OK to be picky about where people shop for us? Or should we just go with the money contributions (and maybe purchase a few items for ourselves with that money)?

Sincerely,
Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Understand that wedding registries are best laid plans. You can say what you want, but people can and will do what pleases them in the end. They are not being rude by going their own way with present selection. They are simply doing what you have already expressed a preference for doing: giving a thoughtful, carefully chosen gift. You can guide your guests, but you can't control them.

Unless you come from a culture that encourages financial gifts, you can't do much to encourage your guests to give you money, beyond getting your families to spread the word gently. This is almost impossible to do without seeming craven. No one wants to receive an invitation to a wedding combined with a cash request. If you want to register for a honeymoon, there are some travel agencies that can set up honeymoon registries and you may want to look into that as a registry option.

If you truly want to protect your political interests, I suggest you do register at some of the stores that follow your philosophies. Your friends and family will surely want to make you happy but they may not feel as you do politically, so you'll have to expect some presents will come to you from shops you have not vetted.

As for how you convey registry information, you are right that invitations should not come with directions about how to give presents, but since you are making a web site, you'll have more flexibility. I am assuming you'll be sending an email or postcard to all of your prospective guests making them aware of the website invite. Do not mention your registry in that initial communication. On your website, do not put your registry details on your front page but give people a link to follow. This will minimize any sense that you care more about what your guests bring than whether they show up.

You can be as picky as you like with your store choices, that is what registries are for, but you can only do so much. You can make suggestions, but the gift choices are the prerogative of your guests. The only way to completely control the presents you get is to elope and keep mum about the whole thing. If no one knows you got hitched, no one will give you anything you don't want. Once the word is out, you've opened the door to chance. Accept the fact that people will give you things that you want, things you don't want, and things you didn't know you wanted but will be glad to have.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:30 AM    <link>

BUT HE WON'T BE EATING

Dear Elise,

My family can't find an answer to this question. We have an upcoming family wedding that is "no children". Both of my sisters-in-law have newborn breastfeeding infants. Do they count?

We have asked around and heard varying answers from all children regardless of age have to be counted to breastfeeding infants are acceptable to bring since they don't require a plate and need their moms.

Thanks so much for your help.

Kiddie Question

Dear KQ

You keep coming up with varying answers because people set all kinds of different parameters. It is not rude for you to ask your hosts what they mean, though usually "no kids" really does mean just that.

Keep in mind that money is not the only reason people often want to have child-free nuptials, so the fact that a nursing baby would not be adding to the caterer's head count is immaterial. All kids "count," whether they are eating or not, regardless of whether they can talk or dance or interrupt or charm. The real question is whether the hosts feel they can accommodate any children.

If this is an evening wedding that requires no travel for anyone, your hosts probably expect everyone, even your sisters-in-law, to leave their babies at home with a sitter. It is then up to your relatives to decide what they want to do. On the other hand, if there is a lot of travel involved, and it might be harder to find trusty childcare, the wedding couple might not feel so strongly about excluding infants. The only way to know is to ask. Do not press them hard or make them feel guilty. Simply let them know that you're trying to make arrangements and just want to make everything as easy as possible.

The question of kids at weddings really is delicate. Even people who like children look for all sorts of ways to control kid attendance by setting age limits or permitting only the children of immediate family members. To simply show up with one's child is to potentially ignore a very delicate balance that the wedding couple has struggled hard to maintain without alienating everyone.

If your sisters-in-law discover that their babies are not invited, they must try not to take offense. The hosts are asserting their prerogatives and there is no point arguing about it or feeling hurt and thinking the hosts are kid-haters. If it is too uncomfortable to get a babysitter, your sisters-in-law can always decide not to go, in which case the wedding couple should realize that sometimes people with kids have to sit out a dance or two.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:14 PM    <link>

SHOWER STRANGENESS

Hi Elise,

My best friend is getting married in 6 weeks in an "immediate family-only" ceremony (I'm one of four non-relatives invited to the ceremony), and I think she should have a shower.

Both of her parents are deceased, so she didn't want a typical wedding. She's getting married in a local church and only inviting a handful of people. After the wedding, everyone is getting on a plane and spending the rest of the week in Vegas. So it's kind of like a destination wedding, but not.

The other complication is that she and I are marrying into the same family- our fiances are cousins. All of the aunts and cousins are gearing up for my shower, and all the while they keep asking me if there's going to be a shower for my friend. I think they'd like to give her one, but since they're not invited to the wedding, what is the etiquette? I think my friend and her husband are going to have a "non-reception" dinner when they get back from Vegas, but nothing major.

Please help, as I think she should be allowed to celebrate her marriage with the larger family, even though she's going for a non-traditional wedding.

Thanks for the advice!

Unsure of Shower

Dear Unsure,

Your friend is having a non-traditional wedding that you would like to decorate with the trappings of tradition. This is what's getting you in a tangle.

At bottom, it is unwise to have a bridal shower packed with guests who will not be invited to the wedding. This isn't a stiff or arbitrary policy. It comes from the fact that showers require that guests bring presents and it feels mercenary to collect gifts from people who don't rate high enough to be invited to the wedding. Now, your friend's case is a little different, because she is having such a tiny wedding, but the problem still applies. If she is having a reception and intends to invite everyone to it, after she is back from Las Vegas, then it would be a little less awkward for her to have a bridal shower, but overall, the safest, happiest thing to do would be to have a Nameless Party in your friend's honor. Don't call it a shower; just celebrate your friend's upcoming wedding and enjoy yourselves. This frees you from any expectations and conversations with uncomfortable sad silences that leave unpleasant aftertastes in the wake of otherwise happy events.

Now, you may feel that you can finesse a shower because of the after-the-fact reception, in which case, you know best how your circle will react, but if you truly want to avoid angst, drop the word "shower" and keep the party.

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:35 PM    <link>

DISCLAIMING

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I both want to serve alcohol at our wedding reception: either champagne or beer & wine. My parents are not against drinking, but feel it would reflect poorly on them for it to be assumed that they paid for it due to my father's leadership position in their church. My fiance and I have offered to pay for any alcohol, but since no one attending will know who paid for specifics, it would appear to some as though my parents paid for, and therefore, endorsed it. My fiance's idea for a compromise was to place a "disclaimer" of sorts either in the program or on the bar saying "Spirits cheerfully provided by friends & family of the groom". Is it tacky, without exception, to inform guests of who paid for specific items? Do you have other ideas for a tactful compromise?

Thanks,

Trying to Compromise

Dear Trying,

For the most part, weddings are not corporate events. We do not attend receptions with an eye to which sponsor paid for each item, and whose specific taste commanded every flower petal and hors d'oeuvre. Attaching notes to assign credit to various items would seem eccentric at best.

This is not to say your parents' feelings can't be acknowledged in some way. What are your invitations like? Are you presently using the "traditional" format?

Bride's Parents' Names
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Bride's Name
to
Groom's Name
Date
Time
Place

If this is the case, your parents are indeed the wedding hosts. Consider changing the invitation language so that you and your parents (and your fiance's parents, too, if you like) are all, collectively, hosts. This implies that your parents were not solely responsible for all of the decisions. This alternative format could look like this:

Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
together with their parents
Bride's Parents' Names
and
Groom's Parents' Names
request the honor of your presence
at their marriage
Date
Time
Place

This construction is pleasantly inclusive and gently spreads the responsibility around. Everyone can claim or disavow any element he or she pleases.

Really though, this is something you will have to negotiate with your parents. They may not feel that altering the invitations, or even signage (which I would discourage anyway), makes serving alcohol acceptable to them. If that is the case, then you have to decide how much you want to serve alcohol and how many compromises you would have to make to get your wish.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:14 PM    <link>

WORKPLACE INVITATIONS

Dear Elise,

I am a teacher and I'm struggling with how to manage invitations for my coworkers. I work with wonderful people and we are pretty close-knit. Of them, I have several coworker friends I see outside of work. They will be receiving invitations mailed to their homes (5 people out of a staff of about 20).

What should I do about the others? I don't dislike any of them, but we are planning a small wedding. Is it so wrong to post a general invitation in the faculty lounge? I have read that this is wrong, but I am not sure why. I don't want to exclude anyone, but I don't particularly care if they come either. This also goes for my boss. I don't really want to send him an invitation because I don't see him socially, but he's a nice guy and I don't want him to feel left out (especially if people are traditionally SUPPOSED to invite their bosses- why is that, anyway?). Really, I don't want ANYONE to feel left out, but I don't know if I want everyone at my wedding either. Also, if I only invite the five friends, do I invite my boss also?

Please help, I am feeling guilty and don't know what to do!
Thanks,

Coworker Conundrum

Dear CC,

Your struggle is understandable, but relinquishing control of your guest list is one way to make yourself miserable.

Now, you probably feel that posting an invitation in your faculty lounge addressed to no one in particular puts the onus on your co-workers to decide whether or not they want to go, but your lack of formality will make them feel either that they really don't have to go (which, perhaps you prefer), or that the invitation is completely open and casual. Perhaps you are hoping that there will be so many announcements on the faculty bulletin board that week that your invitation will get covered up by a new notice about when the staff refrigerator will be cleaned out and the standard "a set of keys was found" note that always appears once a month in every workplace.

In truth this will just leave you with a gaping mystery and you won't know who is coming until the reception is in full swing. If you care about your guest list, you should send invitations to everyone you want to invite. To post a general call is to suggest that your wedding is so casual that you don't need any information at all, and I suspect this is not the case.

There is no need to invite the entire staff to your wedding if you don’t want them there. When people ask about the guest list, the faithful "We're having a small wedding" workhorse should dissuade anyone from being offended. When you invite your co-worker friends, be sure to let them know that you are not inviting the entire staff, and ask them to be discreet. (This is the sort of thing one shouldn't have to say, but it is much better to be on the safe side.)

People often invite their bosses as a courtesy and as a political gesture. It may seem manipulative, but it is a sign of respect that you would include your employer at a personal event. This is not saying that you should invite your boss or that you would be in any way penalized for not inviting him, but that is why people do it and it certainly could not hurt you. Really, the choice is yours and only you know if this decision would have any impact on you at all. It all depends on the culture of your workplace and the size of your nuptials.

The key here is to be clear and discreet with your choices, which means taking the matter firmly in hand and being ready to explain to people that you aren't inviting everyone, and knowing that there is nothing wrong with that.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:53 AM    <link>

THE WEDDING DRESS AND THE BILL OF RIGHTS

Dear Elise,

I have consulted every wedding etiquette book I can find and talked to my planner about this. If you look strictly at etiquette, does a bride HAVE to show her dress to her future mother-in-law? I am not going to. I have decided that I will just shop for it, go to fittings for it and get dressed in it on my wedding day with just my mother. I feel strongly that is a mother-daughter thing.

For some crazy reason, my future mother-in-law has it in her head that she is just like my mom and thinks she has every right to see the dress-she actually said that to me. I have already gone on one shopping trip and she is upset that she wasn't there. She isn't my mom and quite frankly, I am annoyed at her attitude and I don't feel comfortable sharing these things with her.

Really, she doesn't need to be there. She has two daughters and has already done the wedding dress thing to death. My mom would not be happy if she came along. The wedding dress is her territory and she also doesn't care for my fiance's mother because her first words to me (as she looked me up and down) were: "What makes YOU think you are good enough to marry MY son?" After my fiance jumped on her, she apologized, saying she was nervous, but I think she meant to say what she did.

I have told my future mother-in-law that she can pick out the song for the mother-son dance, help my fiance pick out his tuxedo, help him with his side of the guest list and throw the rehearsal dinner.

Thanks for your help,

Not Shopping With Her

Dear Not Shopping,

Your future mother-in-law clearly has a lot of extra time to throw around if she is that invested in joining your wedding dress search. Since you have consulted such a range of sources, you hardly need me to tell you this, but for the record: you do not need to show your fiance's mother your dress. You don't need to shop with her, go to fittings with her or get dressed with her either. You don't.

You have probably learned that there are no strict rules of etiquette when it comes to wedding dresses. The only tradition governing who sees the wedding dress is the one everyone knows: that the groom shouldn't see the wedding dress until it is on the bride at the wedding. (Many people skip this tradition with no ill effects.) Wedding dress shopping can be your own private party, with a guest list entirely of your choosing. Do what you want. She isn't invoking some obscure constitutional amendment or referring to a heretofore-invisible commandment. This isn't a question of "rights."

Now that you have yet another voice to reassure you, what are you going to do about it? You don't want an argument and you don't want bad blood around your wedding. It was smart to give your fiance's mother a set of "jobs," which should make her feel included in the event, but she might need something else. Who knows why she wants to shop for your dress? Maybe she likes fashion, perhaps she wants to get closer to you and make amends for her appalling behavior. It doesn't matter. The next time she asks, don't get angry or defensive. Thank her for her interest, and say that you are going to find your wedding dress with your mother and only your mother. Be firm about it. If she starts flapping about imaginary traditions, tell her you aren't following them. Then you can ask her (nicely) about her progress on the rehearsal dinner, and listen (patiently) to all of her plans. If this keeps up, your fiance will have to talk her down, as he has done in the past.

The key here is not to rise to her level of hysteria. Stay calm even as your blood boils and find your dress. As long as you don't exclude her from the whole nuptial experience, you aren't denying her anything.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:43 AM    <link>

GUESTS INVITING THEMSELVES

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are in the midst of planning our Las Vegas destination wedding. We told people we are close to (a few friends and my fiance's immediate family) when and where the wedding will be, and my fiance's family has already booked trips and made hotel accommodations. We haven't even sent out our invitations because we have just finished making them.

Unfortunately, when my fiance's extended family found out from his parents about the wedding, six of them­ all aunts and uncles­ booked trips to Las Vegas to see our wedding. They did not even check in with us about this. Traditionally, weddings in my fiance's family are rather large affairs where everyone is invited, so I think that's where the confusion is coming from. We were not going to invite any of my fiance's extended family because we wanted a small wedding.

I have told my fiance he has to stop any more people from inviting themselves. I have a huge social anxiety problem and having so many people there, ones I don't know, is going to make me upset. Now I don't want to walk down the aisle because I think there will be too many people paying attention to only me.

So now we're faced with some awkward questions. Do we invite the people who invited themselves since they already booked their trips? Do we tell these people that they are free to go to Las Vegas but they can't come to the wedding because we weren't inviting them in the first place? My fiance thinks we have to invite those who invited themselves because he can't see a way out of doing so without causing friction in his family. I think there is an etiquette rule about everyone from the same class of people needing to be invited to a wedding. So does this mean we have to invite all of my fiance's aunts and uncles if we are now compelled to invite the ones who invited themselves?

I am freaking out. Please help.

Socially Anxious Bride

Dear Socially Anxious,

It seems as if Murphy's Law has smacked you with some force. How else to explain why a bride with your particular brand of anxiety would have to face a welter of unknown and uninvited guests? You have choices, but do keep in mind that weddings almost invariably demand compromise.

So, "mistakes were made," as the Nixon administration liked to say, and now your solutions all involve various levels discomfort. You (and here I mean the collective "you"- involving your fiance as well) could talk to this clutch of relatives and explain that you are sorry they misunderstood, but that you are having a tiny wedding that can't include anyone extra. It is hard to see how these relatives would not be put out by it (even though they are the ones who were presumptuous about making their arrangements- they must be desperate to travel). You're absolutely within your rights to tell these relatives that you weren't going to invite them, but there is a good chance that no one wants to risk the long-term issues such a move might create, even though etiquette not only permits but encourages that hosts be in charge of the guest lists.

Another option, given your anticipated stage fright, would be to keep your plans intact. Have a private ceremony and then include all of the relatives at the reception. If you skip a receiving line, and other spectacular traditions, and concentrate on having a good party, then you can limit some of your "performance" worries. This is a nice resolution because it keeps things intimate at the most crucial moments, but doesn't disappoint people or put anyone in the uncomfortable position of feeling like a fool.

It is good that you are troubleshooting, because you are right. If you invite the six aunts and uncles who have invited themselves, you will indeed need to invite all the other aunts and uncles you have on hand. If you don't, the uninvited will feel snubbed and the chances are high that it would come out that the ones you did include only got to be at your nuptials because they were pushy. Given the nature of relatives, it is unwise to go on record as someone who rewards bad behavior.

You still have choices; you can still elope, for instance, and avoid all of this. But even within the structure of the wedding, you don't have to cater to these people or make yourself into a spectacle. You are still in control even though they have challenged you somewhat. From here on out, be sure to keep your plans on the QT and advise discretion with any and all relatives you talk to.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:35 AM    <link>

WHEN TO SEND

Dear Elise,

I am having a wedding over Memorial Day weekend. We have informed close friends and family of the day as sort of informal save the dates. I want to send out invites in early March to give people time to plan (I live in San Francisco, where affordable hotel rooms are not exactly a dime a dozen). My maid of honor, more schooled in the ways of these things, says that this is too early and that I should send them no more then two months in advance. Is this true? What would be the harm in sending them out earlier?

Ahead of Myself

Dear Ahead,

If ever a wedding was made for save the date cards, it was yours. Your friend is quite right. Traditionally, wedding invitations get posted between four and six weeks before the event. This window, by the way, has steadily been getting larger. Amy Vanderbilt, writing in 1963 says that invitations should go out no more than four weeks in advance of the nuptials. The reason for this is that people have a hard time keeping things in mind. They'll receive your invitation, admire it, put it on a desk and forget about it, or they will respond immediately and discover later that their plans have changed, and you'll get calls from people looking to come who couldn't or who have to drop out suddenly. The guidelines work to help your sanity.

What you want to do is give people fair warning and accommodation information to get the ball rolling and a save the date communication will work perfectly for this. You can send out a card or an email (though, be warned, these can get caught in spam filters). Some people include hotel resources in this mailing, others set up a website that includes accommodation options.

You are right to want to get the word out sooner than later, especially since people get booked on holiday weekends, but here is an opportunity to make a distinction between all of the practical details (travel and hotels) and your actual wedding information. Usually save the date cards are an extra bit of stationery that is unnecessary, but for your wedding, you can make them stop being frivolous and get to work.

Make them work for you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:44 AM    <link>

FUTURE IN-LAWS & EXTRA GUESTS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are working on our guest list, and his parents want to invite 15 of their friends. Since my parents are paying for most of the wedding, I don't think I can ask them to fund the $100 per plate cost of inviting all of these people. This, of course, would mean that my fiance and I would have to pick up that chunk of the tab, which we don't really have the money to do.

Also, his parents haven't offered to contribute anything, having just paid for his brother's wedding entirely. His brother got married at the local church, and had a reception at the local pizza parlor, so his parents invited everyone they wanted. In total, I think their wedding was $6,000, and ours is shaping up to a whopping $35,000.

How should I handle this situation? I want to let them know that our wedding is costing a fortune, without them getting the impression that my parents are made of money (which they aren't, they've just been saving); I suspect that then they'll be more understanding about prioritizing their guest list. I'd also love any advice on broaching the subject of wedding contributions with future in-laws- I think they're probably planning on kicking in something, but since they haven't brought it up, what's a good way to start that conversation?

Sincerely,
Confused about Cash

Dear Confused,

Everyone hates talking about money, especially in relation to weddings. Financial realities inevitably deflate rosy fantasies, exotic vistas and lush landscapes. But with this sobering influence comes the opportunity to take stock of what you have at your disposal and do with it what you will.

Clearly your future in-laws are not of the opinion that the bride's family is solely responsible for financing the wedding, if they paid for their other son's nuptials, so you won't have to worry about wrestling with "tradition."

If your fiance's parents want to invite a crowd you can't afford, take counsel with yourselves and your parents and see what the budget permits. Can you accommodate 5 of the 15 guests? If so, tell your future in-laws that you're sorry but you can only afford to include some of the people they want to invite. This will give them an opening to contribute if they can and it at least lets them invite some of their friends. This is the easiest, most tactful compromise you can offer. There is no need to compare the estimated costs of your wedding versus those of your future brother-in-law. Just let them know what their guest limit is. They may complain about having to choose which friends can attend, but be firm with your numbers and let them figure out what they want to do.

As far as asking them for a contribution, if they have not volunteered anything, don't count on them for anything. They may ask how much it would cost for them to invite all 15 of their friends and if they do, you should tell them. While they may be assuming your parents want to pay for (and can afford) everything, they also might be waiting for an opening, a chance to volunteer to contribute to something specific.

Be straight with them about what you (and your parents) can afford, but avoid language that makes it sound as if they are expected to contribute and you should be fine.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:15 AM    <link>

NO ROOM

Dear Elise,

We're planning a small destination wedding and my parents are funding the cost of the rental house we are staying in for the week. This is also where we will be having the reception. The house has several rooms, but after housing my fiance and me and our immediate family members only one will be free. That room is only open because the other family members we offered it to did not want it. I had originally offered it to "Friend 1", who was single at the time we sent out the save the dates, and I didn't want her to have to travel and then stay in a hotel by herself if she didn't need to. She still hasn't decided if she will take the room.

However, in talking to one of my other girlfriends about wedding plans, I happened to mention that several family members didn't want the room and Friend 1 had not decided what she was doing. "Friend 2", who is married, immediately said "We'll take the room if she doesn't". I hadn't even offered it to her, but was just talking about what was going on. I said something like, "Well, I'll have to see what "Friend 1" decides to do." Now, "Friend 2" keeps asking if "Friend 1" has decided what to do and if the room is still available. I don't know what to do. My fiance and I agree that if "Friend 2" and her spouse stay with us in the house, it will be awkward. (She had a very traditional wedding, and our tiny outdoor informal wedding with no wedding party seems to be throwing her for a loop.)

It might turn out that "Friend 1" just takes the room and that's that, but if she doesn't, I feel that drama will ensue. "Friend 2" wants to save money and I understand that it is a financial burden to attend any wedding, let alone a destination one. It would be one thing if "Friend 2" and her husband decide they can't come for financial reasons, or if I had formally offered the room to her in the first place. I just feel like "Friend 2" is putting me in an awkward position, and I don't want to come to blows over this. I don't know what to do!

Please No Drama!

Dear Please,

What you have is actually a classic etiquette problem, so prepare to do some traditional talking.

First, understand that you are under no obligation to have "Friend 2" stay in the room, even if "Friend 1" does not take it, especially if you sense that her staying with you will create a lot of problems. Try not to think of "Friend 2" putting you in a bad position. She is probably just trying to save some money and simplify her plans, and assumes you are being casual about the room. (She may feel this way in part because your wedding is an informal affair- this goes to your sense that she doesn't quite understand the kind of nuptials you are planning.)

If you truly don't want her staying with you, gently explain to her that the room simply won't be available. If she presses you, you can say that even if your first friend doesn't use it, you need to keep it open for any family members whose plans might change. Be firm, but understanding. She might not realize that she is creating discomfort, but it is up to you in this case to assert yourself and not give her what she wants just because she is asking for it. Talk to her soon so she can figure out where to stay if she decides to go to your wedding, but don't take her request badly. You know your limits and you can politely assert them.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:52 AM    <link>

EVERYONE DOWN THE AISLE

Dear Elise,

I don't want my father to walk me down the aisle. There is no exchange of property here. I have been an independent woman for more than a decade, and my father's machismo can grate on me even though I know that inside he is very sensitive, and that he loves me. I have decided to have my sister be my maid of honor, my mother will be my matron of honor, and my brother will be one of the groomsmen. But I don't want to hurt my father, and if he were the only person in my immediate family who wasn't included in some way, he would be offended.

I think I may be able to solve this conundrum if I explain this to my mother and ask her to walk down the aisle with my father and me. Then both my parents would be seated together. So she would be the matron of honor and get to help me plan and prepare, but not stand at my side through the ceremony. The other possibility is that my father be in the wedding party. Then we risk offending his parents and siblings.

Help.

Aisle Runner

Dear Aisle,

This is one of those instances where you can have as much symbolism as you want. You don’t even have to have an aisle, let alone have your father walk you down it. If you don't feel the need to participate in any specific traditions, you can invent the ceremony that pleases you and all of your sensitive relatives.

In any event, having both parents walking the bride down the aisle is far from unusual. In many Jewish wedding processionals, for instance, both the bride and the groom walk down the aisle with a parent on each arm. What you really have to negotiate is what to do with your father once you've reached your destination, and here you should listen to your instincts. It would be best to park him in the audience with your mother. You'd keep him happy, and prevent any possible stroppyness on the part of your future in-laws. If you want to keep one of the "matron of honor" traditions, you could give your bouquet (assuming you're having one) to your mother to hold before she sits down.

The territory is pretty open here, and as long as you don't ostentatiously exclude your father from anything, you shouldn't run into problems. You don't have to betray yourself and submit to a tradition you despise, but you should be able to reach for this compromise with confidence. Your solution honors everyone, so don't fuss with it any more than you have to.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:06 AM    <link>

IF I DIDN'T GET IT DO I HAVE TO RECIPROCATE?

Dear Elise,

One of my fiance's friends got married in October. We expected to receive an invitation to the wedding. We moved to another state during the summer, and sent an email to all of our friends with our new contact information. The friend told my fiance that he had not received our RSVP to his wedding and wondered if we had not received his invitation because we moved. We said that we had not received the invitation, and while our mail was forwarding, that perhaps it got lost. He said he would FedEx a new invitation to our new address.

We never received the FedEx. I think that because we never received an invitation, we weren't actually invited to the wedding, even though he indicated that we were via email. Because we would have had to travel across the country to attend the wedding, I did not feel comfortable making last minute travel plans in order to attend a wedding to which we were not formally invited, especially since it was an extremely formal affair.

While we had initially planned to invite my fiance's friend to our wedding next year, I feel that given the whole situation, I'd rather not. Do I have the wrong attitude? Should we invite him to our wedding? Also, we did not send a gift to them; should we do so? I still feel like we were never actually invited since we never got an invitation, and am in fact even wondering whether this is some ruse in order to "get out of" inviting us, but covering up for it in a very odd way.

Not Actually Invited

Dear Not Actually,

You have two separate issues on your plate. It is easy to see why they're all tangled up, but let me sever them for you.

This is the second time I've heard about this mysterious "Lost Invitation" gambit (the first was on September 13th: "The Importance of Giving Straight Answers" and I hope it isn't catching on, because it's not just rude, it's a bit mean. It leaves friends feeling confused and in the awkward position of not being able to do anything without awkwardness. In both cases, people have been told to expect wedding invitations when clearly one was never sent. Perhaps the wedding couple is too embarrassed and timid to admit that they can't invite all of their friends and want to fob off all blame on the already beleaguered United States Postal Service. The idea here is that if the invitation never arrives, people won't actually attend but will also not feel bad about not being invited because they were, except they weren't.

Really, this is bad behavior. If you can't invite someone, you should be able to tell him or her. Everyone will live.

You don't owe your fiance's friend a wedding present. You didn't attend the wedding and really weren't invited. You owe nothing. If you're feeling on the fence, you could send a congratulatory card, which will relieve any unnecessary but perhaps lingering pangs of conscience you might have.

As for your wedding, even if you had been invited to this guy's wedding, you wouldn't necessarily owe him an invitation. Wedding invitations aren't a strict economy and receiving one does not leave you in debt to the wedding couple. Since you were not actually invited, you are really off the hook. On the other hand, you can invite your fiance's friend and his wife if you like.

This leaves you in a great position. You can do anything you want, and since you don't have to invite this rather ham-fisted friend to your wedding, you can also forgive him for being a bit of a dope.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:09 AM    <link>

NO NEED TO CHOOSE

Dear Elise,

I have two best friends who are both in my wedding party. I'm closer to one of them than the other and would like her to be my maid of honor but I'm afraid of hurting the other's feelings. Do I have to have a maid of honor? I don't have any sisters and I'm not even sure that my friend is right for the job.

Thanks,
Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Smile, because a weight is about to be lifted. You don't need to have a maid of honor. You don't even need a wedding party at all if you don't want to have one.

If you don't want to choose between your friends and truly don't care, then the route to take which would cause the least strife would be to give both of your friends the same title. They could both be bridesmaids or maids of honor, if you prefer. (Though if one of them is or ever has been married, she would actually be a "matron of honor.") Whatever you do, though, do not offer someone a job if you don't want her in your wedding. Your reluctance will make itself obvious one way or another and before you know it you'll be on the way to another one of the bridesmaid train wrecks everyone loves to read about and dreads living through.

The last sentence of your letter makes me want to caution you to take care- if you do invite these women to be bridesmaids or maids of honor, be sure to tell your friends exactly what you want them to do. This will help you make your wishes clear and prevent you from wondering if they will step up to the task or not.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:08 AM    <link>

POSTAL SERVICE SPOILS PROMPTNESS

Dear Elise,

I got married in June and recently received a group of 10 or so thank you notes from the post office that were not only slightly destroyed, but of course, they never reached the recipients. How can I re-send another thank you note to these people without coming off horribly? If I tell them the post office problem, I'm afraid it will just sound like I'm making excuses! It's already been 6 months since my wedding!

Thanks,

Thought I Was Prompt

Dear Thought,

While it is true that no one likes a lame excuse, there's nothing wrong with telling the truth and having a sense of humor.

All you can do in your case is seize your pen and stamps and send out new thank you notes as soon as you can. Feel free to mention the post office snafu, and made amends for the delay by being more personal in your new letters. Since a chunk of time has passed, you may actually have more to say about the presents than when they first arrived in your life. Did you get a cocktail shaker that enabled you to concoct a fabulous New Year's drink? Perhaps someone gave you a blanket that is keeping you snug this winter. Here's a chance to elaborate a little bit.

Certainly you're embarrassed, but there's no need to be ashamed, as long as you send those letters out pronto. If you need any more incentive to be speedy, know that the price of stamps is going up soon, which means those incredible Greta Garbo ones won't be useful for much longer. Snap them up and send out your classy new thank you notes. Make amends and point a gentle finger

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:04 AM    <link>

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