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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

THE ETERNAL MR. & MRS. PROBLEM

Elise-

This is probably a silly question, but I can't find a satisfactory answer on the multitude of websites on addressing invites.

I do not want to address invitations to married couples as "recommended" (Mr. & Mrs. John Doe) since it makes it sound as if the wife ceases to exist.

However, I can't figure out if I should address it as: "Mr. & Mrs. John and Mary Doe or Mr. John and Mrs. Mary Doe." Both seem a bit strange.
It's a little anal detail I know, but driving me crazy.

Thanks.

Addressing?

Dear Addressing,

This is hardly a silly question, and there are plenty of possibilities at your disposal.

Keep in mind that you might want to adopt a highly liberal policy when it comes to the addressing of guests. If you know quite certainly that some guests would prefer to be Mr. and Mrs. Sylvester Soandso, would you deny them this little courtesy in the name of politics?

Once you have weeded out the people who you think prefer the "traditional format," you will have a long list of grateful women, happy to be recognized. Here are two alternative formats:

1. Skip the titles altogether: Sylvester and Sarah Soandso

2. Combine everything: Mr. and Mrs. Sylvester and Sarah Soandso

See how these possibilities suit you and brace yourself for a bit of writer's cramp.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:34 PM    <link>

WORRIED ABOUT RELATIVES

Hi Elise

I'm having a bit of a problem: my boyfriend and I have decided to get married at City Hall, because this is the only way he legally stay in the country. We do plan on getting engaged (even though we'll already, technically, be married) within the next year or two, depending on finances and having a belated wedding. I'm from a small town with a gossipy family and I don't want my extended family to be totally insulted about not being invited to our wedding.

We want to have a huge shindig once we "really" get married. How do I explain to them that: we really do love each other, we really do plan on having a wedding and reception at some point, and that our marriage isn't a sham, without looking like we're planning a future gift grab?

Help!

Trying to spare everyone's feelings

Dear Trying,

You're letting your family intimidate you. What you propose isn't wildly unusual. People elope for all sorts of reasons, some practical and some romantic, so don't think that your decision is anything less than legitimate. If you can approach your plans with happiness and confidence, you'll be able to talk to anyone easily about your wedding.

Tell your relatives that this plan is what works best for you and that you will be thrilled to have them come to your big reception when you do have it. This is all you need to do. Let the word ease out gently and be prepared for a lot of questions. Ideally, you would keep these conversations simple and emphasize how happy you are with your plans.

The way to keep people from raining on your parade is to simply be happy and relaxed. If you get defensive, people will wonder what secret unhappiness is making you so sensitive and even if there is none, someone will make it up.

So do what feels best, be honest about your choices and let the people whose feelings are most likely to be hurt know what you're planning ahead of time so they don't feel blindsided.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:16 PM    <link>

FUTURE SISTER-IN-LAW VS. GUEST LIST

Dear Elise,

My future sister-in-law wants us to invite her best friend to our wedding. A month ago, she said that her best friend, should play the flute during our ceremony, and then flatly asked if we were planning to invite her. It feels as if she is trying to find any way to insert her friend (and her desires) into our wedding. This surprised my fiance. While he has known his sister's friend since childhood, he can barely stand her. I can't stand either one of them. He gave his sister a diplomatic but vague answer about the guest list. Then, in front of her friend, she asked me about my bridal shower and how her friend is planning to go. Now, I feel backed into a corner because it wouldn't be right to have this friend attend the shower and not be invited to the wedding, but the thought of her at my wedding makes me see red. My fiance's parents think it would be "nice" if we invited the friend. My future sister-in-law invited my fiance's childhood best friend (without asking her brother about it) to her wedding and thinks inviting her friend would make them "even." What's fair?

We are having a small wedding with 75 guests. My fiance's parents paid for the bulk of his sister's wedding. I am footing a very large portion of the bill for our wedding (something I feel a little bullied into because their family tradition is that "the bride’s family pays for her wedding"). Since I am estranged from my family, I can only rely on myself. I'm having a smaller wedding, with a very particular guest list that doesn't include my own mother and father (though it includes 30 members of my fiance's family and their friends). Should I be expected to "play nice" with this sister-in-law and invite her friend?

Thanks very much,
Unimpressed with sister-in-law

Dear Unimpressed,

Your future sister-in-law's behavior is really quite odd. Why would she be so desperate to ensure her friend's attendance? Given that she is married, one assumes she will have companionship for the wedding. This is a mystery but solving it won't really help you.

At bottom, you are under no obligation to invite your fiance's sister's friend to play the flute at your wedding, or go to your bridal shower or be a guest at your nuptials.

You don't have to invite her. It doesn't matter that the sister dredged up a childhood friend of your fiance's to invite to her wedding (and what kind of insane guest economy is she imagining?). It doesn't matter if she blabs to her friend over and over about your wedding. You can simply maintain the "no room" mantra: "I'm really sorry but I just can't invite everyone."

But take counsel before you take action.

Not inviting her might cost you, and here is where you need to figure out on balance if you want to win this battle. Is it worth exciting the possibly lasting ire of your fiance's sister and her parents over this lone guest?

You and your fiance have a lot of control over your wedding guest list in great part because you are hosting the event yourselves. It is always a good idea to compromise a little and include familial input, but you don't have to go overboard.

From the manners perspective, you can do anything you want as long as you have not already extended an invitation to the friend. (If you have caved and invited her already, you should just bite the bullet; it's almost impossible to disinvite someone graciously.) But what does your fiance think? Is he willing to draw the line with his sister?

Understand that you can do what you want, but you and your fiance should take the measure of the situation and see which choice will be least annoying in the long run. If having her friend around will neutralize the sister during the wedding, consider the advantages of inviting this woman. In that light, the friend might be kind of a bargain. You could put a special line item in your budget just for her for keeping the sister quiet.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:37 AM    <link>

SHOULD I SPEAK?

Dear Elise,

My best friend since kindergarten just got engaged. She's planning her wedding and I know that she wants me to be the maid of honor. My friend has a difficult relationship with her mother, and I know that she is expecting me to help with the wedding planning. And I love weddings! We have talked about each other's weddings our whole lives. I could not be more excited for this whole wedding planning thing.

The problem? I hate her fiance. I don't think she has any idea of how I feel, I've never told her that I liked him but have never said anything to lead her to believe I didn't. I don't even know what I would say to her - I think he's just a creep. Other friends of ours feel it too, and my boyfriend likes him so little that I've had to start making up excuses for why we can't do things with them as a couple.

I don't mind pretending to like him, and most of the planning will happen without him there, anyway.

Should I tell her how I feel about her fiance? If not, can I plunge full force into wedding planning when I don't approve of the wedding (in fact, I'm still hoping she breaks it off, but am resigned to the idea that she won't, and will end up marrying the creep)? If I can't in good conscience help her, can I still ask her to help me with my wedding?

Thanks,

Torn

Dear Torn,

Yours isn't exactly an etiquette question, but it does go straight to the heart of the odd problem that weddings present: they are celebrations, pageants that require preparation and support but they are also ephemeral. The relationships that participate in the wedding are the things that persist.

From an etiquette perspective, you are certainly not required to come clean with your feelings about your friend's fiance. This isn't a religious question in which your faith in the couple must be unshakable. The bride's choice of partner is one element that is pretty much her decision alone and happily there is no room for compromise.

What would you hope to gain by telling your friend how you feel about her fiance? Do you think she would break off her engagement? That outcome almost never happens when friends come clean with their feelings about prospective spouses. Now, if you keep your own counsel, you would get to help your friend plan her wedding and maintain your relationship with her. On the face of it, keeping quiet offers everything you want.

Do you feel you are being hypocritical? Unless you suspect your friend is being abused and you really can't in good conscience allow her to marry without firmly registering your protest (not just your distaste), you wouldn't be committing any sin by keeping mum. It is inevitable that at least a few friends in your life will form long-term relationships- marriages even- with people you find incredibly annoying. There's no reason you can't continue to celebrate your friendship while keeping the creep at arm's length.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:56 AM    <link>

SHOWER GUIDELINES

Dear Elise,

In planning for the upcoming nuptials of a close friend, I realize I am pretty clueless about how to proceed with some of the more "traditional" events. My friend is actually a relatively non-traditional kind of gal. For example: since the main purpose of a wedding shower is to "shower" the guest(s) of honor with gifts, how should registry information be conveyed? Is it acceptable and polite to include a brief registry description within the text of the shower invitation itself? If there is to be a "wishing well," where should this information be placed? I know it is often said that word of mouth is the best way to handle this information, but with a large guest list, it seems more convenient for everyone involved to have that information handy.

One other question: must every female on the wedding invitation list be invited to the shower? Where can we safely draw the line?

Thanks for your advice,

Just Call Me Clueless

Dear JCMC

Admitting confusion is what will save you all sorts of heartache.

Now. Does your friend want to have a bridal shower at all? If she is truly non-traditional in her tastes and interests, it might be worth quizzing her quickly to make sure this sort of bash isn't something she would rather take a pass on.

Once you decide to have the shower, you can cull a guest list from anyone who is invited to the wedding. You can even have a co-ed shower if you want to dispel "hen night" vibes. The choice is yours. Having said that, it is best to keep all the various guest factions in mind. It would be problematic, for instance, to invite some close family members and not others as you can see in the column from February 8th, people do notice. (The bride probably knows best what to do about this sort of thing. No one expects you to be psychic.) Having said that, you certainly don't need to send invitations to everyone. It is quite common to invite primarily local people to bridal showers so as not to create an enormous blob of travel obligations, so the trick will be to find a good middle ground.

I say this often, but it really is not at all a good idea to include registry information and cash requests in any invitation, even if the invitation is to a shower. The exchange only comes off as being mercenary. What you could do is take advantage of having your guests R.S.V.P. to let them know about your friend's registry and the wishing well. When people call, you can absolutely tell them what you are planning, or if you are doing email R.S.V.P.s you can write back to confirmed guests with the information.

Here is a case where civility trumps convenience. By avoiding the sense that the invitation is a direct exchange, or that the pleasure of the guest's company exists only in the fact that she will supply a present from a list, you will be setting a much happier tone for the proceedings. It seems incidental, but, as Malcolm Gladwell points out in the subtitle to his first book, "little things can make a big difference."

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:10 AM    <link>

BEST JUST TO SAY IT

Dear Elise,

We are running a birthday party/fund raiser for a friend of ours who has a serious illness. We are sending out birthday invitations opposed to fund raiser invitations to take the focus off the illness. She really needs money during this difficult time, and I am having a problem coming up with an attractive "catch phrase" to ask for money. I know it is inappropriate to ask for money for a birthday, but this is different. Could you please help us?

Thank you.

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

Usually, when questions about cash requests come in, I have to point out that the party is a party and not a benefit. Your friend's circumstances unfortunately change these party parameters, and what you are doing is, in fact, throwing a benefit for her.

Embrace your purpose. I understand your inclination to emphasize the celebration rather than the illness, but your guests should know what this bash is all about, so you should be upfront about what you want from your guests while not minimizing the lively mission of the event. Of course all of this is predicated on the nature of your friend's illness being public. If she is not inclined to be open about being sick, this sort of event could be complicated for obvious reasons.

So as long as your friend is prepared to have everyone aware of her problems, you can acknowledge both the birthday and the financial need. You could introduce your invitation with general language such as:

Please join HOSTS'S NAMES for a benefit celebrating FRIEND'S NAME's birthday.

Later in the invitation, after the where and when details, you could include a sentence or two to this effect:

Donations to help support FRIEND'S NAME can be made at the event or by mail. (Here you would need to include an address.)

There is no good way to beat around the bush here, so the most gracious thing to do is to let people know what you want from the party and let them take it from there. Asking for money is uncomfortable, but this is for a cause you feel all of your friends will understand, and it is better to be direct than coy.

Cheers and good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:38 AM    <link>

BUYING BRIDESMAID DRESSES

Dear Elise,

I am having 4 bridesmaids at my wedding: my 2 sisters, my cousin from Britain, and my best friend. My mom has offered to pay for my sisters' dresses, and I assumed I would pay for my cousin's and my friend's dresses. My fiance flipped. He said that it's the bridesmaids' responsibility for pay for their own dresses.

I don't think it's fair to ask my cousin to pay $200 for a dress, when she's already paying $600 to fly out here. My friend doesn't have a lot of money, but she's always been generous with what she has; and it just doesn't feel right asking her for $200. My fiance did make the valid point that with all the other wedding expenses, it would be nice to not have to add this $400 to them. Is it rude or tacky to ask my bridesmaid to pay for their dresses, or should I just be polite and pay for them myself?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Are you inquiring about tradition? In the United States, it is standard practice for bridesmaids to buy their own dresses, pay for alterations to said dresses and procure matching shoes to complete the ensemble. So, your fiance is technically right. Most bridesmaids expect to have to shell out for their outfits. Of course these expenses are not at all trivial.

More important than any generalization, however, is that you treat all of your bridesmaids equally. It would be uncomfortable, for instance, if it got around that you bought a dress for one bridesmaid and not for the others. Your mother is paying for your sisters' dresses, which doesn't push you hard in any direction to help you decide whether to buy dresses for your friend and cousin or not. Family is the eternal exception. What you need to figure out is what you can afford and how comfortable you are.

If you can buy the dresses, your friend and cousin will be wildly grateful, and you will be the unusual bride who can make this gesture, but know that if you can't, no one would fault you. By the way, in the UK brides often pay for their bridesmaids' dresses,* so keep this fact in mind when you talk to your cousin. One way or the other, make it clear that she knows what you expect.

You will be safe no matter what you decide as long as you treat everyone equally.

Congratulations,
Elise

*Many thanks to a reader for resoundingly confirming this point.

posted by Elise at 8:08 AM    <link>

FUTURE GRANDMOTHER FEARS EXCLUSION

Dear Elise-

My future daughter-in-law, "Laura" and I have never gotten on. Now she is pregnant and planning the wedding and I hoped that something would change, but it hasn't. I have not been asked to help with the wedding. Whenever I volunteer, I am instantly shot down (everything has either been done or is in the process of being done). Fine. The thing that hurts is that I am completely shut out of the pregnancy.

"Laura" has a strong, exclusive bond with her mother, who is the first to hear all the pregnancy news. Recently, I visited and I asked Laura about her pregnancy. She said she was fine and gave no other details. When her mother arrived, "Laura" couldn't stop talking about the pregnancy and let her mother feel the baby kick. Apparently. "Laura" puts the phone receiver down to her stomach when her mother calls so the baby can hear her voice. "Laura" does not do the same for me. I asked to feel the baby kick, but "Laura" said she wasn't comfortable with that.

Elise, I am shattered by this. It is obvious that "Laura" is going to let her mother be the primary grandma to the baby. My son already told methat I won't be in the delivery room and I have not been asked to stay after the baby is born, although "Laura's" mom will stay for a month. I am a grandma, too-don't I count? It hurts to be shut out of the wedding and the new family as well? I don't see why I am not treated the same as "Laura's" mom. My own daugther does not treat her mother-in-law like this.

Please help,

Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

So congratulations, first and foremost. A grandchild in the making is surely a happy thing and, as they say, one should keep one's eyes on the prize. Even if the prize arrives swamped with issues.

It is good that you've come to terms with not being excessively involved in planning your son's wedding. Think of this as a present. Many would be thrilled to have a temporal refund- an opportunity not to have to wrestle over colors or glowers and the spats they can inspire.

Now. Pregnancy etiquette is particularly delicate, and I'm sorry you find yourself being hurt by it. One the one hand, you must understand that your future daughter-in-law's body is the body in question and she is really entitled to conduct herself in ways that make her most comfortable. What she should not be doing, however, is making it clear that she wants to exclude you by she guarding her privacy with you and then flaunting her openness with her own mother with you as an audience.

You and Laura have never been close, by your own admission, so consider her perspective. She may indeed be uncomfortable being touched by someone with whom she isn't friendly, and it may be hard for her to discuss the intimate details of the workings of her body with you for the same reasons. Keep in mind that even if you were close she might not embrace such familiarity. This pregnancy is not really about you. Relationships with in-laws are almost inevitably more formal than those we have with our own parents.

As for labor, delivery and post-partum visits, some would reject the presence of their own mothers, let alone their mothers-in-law in the delivery room. But really, delivery is the pregnant person's party and what she says goes. The last thing she should be obliged to do is take care of other adults. This to a certain extent applies to post-birth visitors as well. When you feel as if you've been hit by a truck, you want to feel comfortable at home with the crazy new thing that is a baby, and not judged or watched.

Still, you are in a hard spot and in your hurt you are forgetting that you do have some recourse. Your son should be your advocate. Talk to him. Tell him how excluded you feel and ask him when you can see the baby. (Don't demand to stay in the house, just visit.) Ask him how he is feeling about the baby and the wedding. Let him share the details of the pregnancy with you. Being interested in your son should pave the way for him to negotiate for you with his future wife.

Fundamentally, you will need to be patient. Look to the future and let go of the in utero phone calls (which many people would find silly anyway) and pre-birth "bonding." No matter what you think about it, one thing is certain: your future grandchild will have no memory of anything anyone said to her pre-birth. Make sure you have access to her once she is in the world. She'll be more interesting then anyway.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:00 AM    <link>

INVITATION KARMA

Dear Elise,

I am wrangling with my parents over the guest list for my wedding. They have a large and tight circle of friends, many of whom I was very close to growing up and who have strong expectations of being invited (and who I want to invite). But my parents want me to invite a total of 70 of their friends, which would make up over a third of the guest list! I'd like to cut this list in half.

It's been a challenge to cut, though, partly because the friends come in groups (e.g. it's hard to exclude three couples when I invite the other five couples in the group) and partly because there are dozens of "karmic" trades (e.g. my parents were one of only four couples invited to their daughter's wedding). Since my parents are paying for the wedding, it's hard to exert the "It's my party!!" line and tell them to cut half their friends. But on the flip side, my parents are giving my fiance and me, as a gift, whatever portion of the wedding budget that we manage to save, so I have a definite incentive to cut those of their friends that I don't care for or barely know.

My younger sister is keenly interested in the guest list business, because she'll be getting engaged herself in another year. Which brings me to my question. I think that if I invite all the guests, then I settle the karmic debts for the family, and it'll be easier for her to trim the list when it's her turn. She says that if I invite all the guests, then I set a terrible precedent, and she'll have to invite them all too.

Can you settle this disagreement for us?

Thanks,

Sister #1

Dear Sister #1

Karma is an interesting element to raise when planning guest lists, though when you think of it, this is a whole web of strange exchange. You are expected to invite your parents' friends because their child invited your parents to his or her wedding. That is a good deed twice removed at this point

What you are talking about here something more social than spiritual. Your parents want you to invite their friends so that they can understand how important they are to your family. There is no better reason to invite someone to a wedding and since your parents are paying for a large part of your nuptials, perhaps you would be best off finding a different way to economize. Fundamentally, this is not an issue of etiquette. What you need to do is determine how important these invitations are to your parents. If they truly feel strongly about having their friends attend your wedding, consider compromising. If they are disappointed or embarrassed, you risk never hearing the end of it. The true measure of how important all of these parental guests are is not etiquette but whether not inviting them will have lasting effects.

There is no real issue of karma here, so neither you nor your sister wins the debate, unless one of you is better at reading your parents' minds than the other. Again, the whole business is social. Certainly etiquette does not require reciprocal invitations, even from friends, so all that remains is negotiating with your family. If you and your sister want to strike a bargain where you divide your parents' guest list and invite half to one wedding and half to the other, you can do that. On the other hand, your parents may dig in their heels about inviting everyone to both.

Regardless, your wedding should neither create a "pass" for your sister nor a set of obligations and even if there were specific rules of etiquette, you wouldn't want to go running to your parents with them. Talk to your folks and see where you can economize, but you and your sister should keep in mind that with weddings, sometimes pleasing the people who are footing the bill can reward powerfully in the long run.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:15 AM    <link>

TRAVELING

I'll be on the road for a few days and, technology permitting, questions will be answered, but if you have an emergency, please write and try to hang on for a week.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:46 PM    <link>

MULTIPLE PARTIES MULTIPLE CHOICES

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are in the midst of planning our destination wedding. Key West holds sentimental value for us, and the most effective way to manage our guest list and budget is to have a destination wedding there. Our plan is to have a small wedding and reception in Key West and then have a larger, less formal local "reception" about two months later that will have a much larger guest list.

The invitations for Key West are easily handled, but should we include information about the second reception in the Key West invitations? We don't expect anyone to go into debt to come to Key West and if guests would prefer to attend the local reception, they are most certainly welcome to do that. I don't want people to feel obligated to attend both parties (unless they want to) or bring us additional gift. Your thoughts?

The other question is regarding the bridal shower. Of course those invited to Key West would be invited to the bridal shower. My question is regarding those who are invited to the local reception. I'm not sure if they should be invited since they won't be at the actual wedding. I haven't been able to find an answer in any bridal guides.

There also are a few older aunts who probably would like to feel included. I am not inviting them to Key West because of their age/health and also because I don't want to ask them to spend a lot of money to go to Key West. Would it be in bad form to invite them to the bridal shower?

Thank you,
A Tale of Two Receptions

Dear Tale of Two,

You have a lot of events you need to keep straight and the best way to handle the destination wedding and post-parties is to keep everything as distinct as possible.

So. If you are having a destination wedding, your invitations should only deal with your Key West events. If you want to send a separate card, a "save the date," if you will, with information about your local reception, you can do that as well. The key here, though, is making sure your information is distinct so that no one can be confused or wonder why he or she didn't make the cut for Key West. Your reception invitations should go out after your wedding, especially since the events will be separated by a number of months (again this will reduce confusion).

If people attend your wedding, it is understood that only one present is expected. Gifts are offered in honor of the wedding, not in honor of each of the parties, so don't worry about your guests feeling obliged to produce if they are invited to your wedding and the later reception.

Your shower questions do indeed press on a murky area and the real answer here lies in what kind of wedding you are having. If your Key West affair is really tiny, as in immediate family and a couple of intimate friends only, then you don't risk offending people if you have a shower and the bulk of your guests are invited to the reception only. On the other hand, if your wedding is a more open event and your guests will be able to see easily that a pretty large group went to the wedding, then you are on shakier ground. If you want to have a large pre-wedding event, you could just have a party and not call it a shower, and invite everyone.

The case of your aunts is curious. Relatives are particularly touchy about invitation issues. Are you actively opposed to inviting them to your wedding or are you not inviting them because you are concerned about their health and financial state? I ask because, generally, invitations are good things and the pressure is not at all on the host to determine whether guests are physically able to attend. If you don't object for other reasons, just invite your aunts to the wedding and shower and let them decide whether they can make the trip.

Having two events doesn't have to be overwhelming as long as you pace yourself and take the measure of your guest lists.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:46 PM    <link>

HEMLINES

Hi Elise,

My son is getting married in a few days at 7 P.M. Is it OK if my dress is cocktail length (just below the knee)? The bride's mother is wearing a full-length dress.
Thank you for your advice.

All Set, I Hope

Dear All Set,

You can, indeed, wear your cocktail dress to your son's wedding. You don't mention the relative formality of the affair, but no matter. At that time of the evening, both your cocktail-length hemline and the bride's mother's floor-length skirt are appropriate.

I suspect you are writing because someone has just informed you of the mother of the bride's attire. Put this out of your mind. You don't need to be a matched set, and in fact the less your outfits refer to one another, the better off you'll be.

Have a wonderful evening and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:52 AM    <link>

NOT ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY

Elise,

I introduced my mom to my fiancee, "Simone" a few weeks ago. I thought things went fine until my sister informed me that my mother didn't like "Simone." My sister said mom thinks "Simone" is aloof, superficial and because she didn't ask my mother any questions about herself, my mother thinks she isn't interested in her. My mom is an activist, involved in all kinds of causes. "Simone" works in the fashion industry and my mother has long thought of women like "Simone" as superficial, lightweight and not women of substance.

"Simone" asked how the meeting went. Since we don't keep secrets and always promised to be honest no matter how hurtful it is, I told her the truth. Now "Simone" doesn't want to have ANYTHING to do with my mother, she has excluded her from all wedding plans and "Simone's" mother has angrily confronted my mom over this, so my mom is not welcome at all by my fiancee or her family.

Please help,

Groom in the Middle

Dear GITM

This is a pickle, indeed. There has been bad behavior all the way around, so setting things to rights might not be a snap. Absolute honesty tends to complicate matters, especially when it comes to feelings, because there is no such thing in the first place.

In spite of your reckless promise to always be honest with "Simone" no matter how painful the truth might be, you should have kept quiet, or at least been more circumspect about what your sister told you. Note that I did not say you should have kept quiet about your mother's feelings. The only information you had was what is called "hearsay" in a court of law and tends not to be admissible as evidence for a jury. All you knew was what your sister reported to you and that may or may not have been an accurate representation of the "truth" of your mother's opinions. (Your sister, by the way, was foolish to stir the pot by giving you bad news about your fiance and for betraying your mother's confidence, but that is a different issue.)

For future reference, learn how to soft-soap bad news. If your fiance wanted to know how things went, what would have been wrong with saying: "My mother was hoping to tell you about some of these projects she has been working on. Next time we see her, we should ask her about them." What you told "Simone" left her no choice but to be defensive and sad, as anyone would whose fiance informed her that his mother thinks she's a dope.

That is just a caution to tread lightly in the future. What you need now is a plan of action and you will need to be brave. The first step is a tricky one: assume the blame. Tell "Simone" that you foolishly misstated your mother's opinions because you got them second-hand. Tell your mother that you parroted whatever your sister told you to your fiancee, and inadvertently created this tempest. Apologize all around. You may not feel that you are to blame for all of this badness, but pretend you are and accept all ire gracefully. What you want is for all of the injured parties to stop glaring at each other, and if they turn the evil eye on you briefly, it will be worth it if they can find some common ground.

Ask your mother if she will help you facilitate a truce and perhaps you can invite all parties to a wound-licking lunch at a nice restaurant on you. At the meal, exert yourself to find some common ground among all parties

I can't promise this will work, but it is worth a shot. The wedding is a matter of hours. You want to make sure that your wife, your mother and your mother—in-law don't show up with guns blazing at every holiday from now until the end of your days.

Good luck, and let me know.

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:45 AM    <link>

SAD OVER SHOWER

Dear Elise

My boyfriend of eight years's niece is getting married. I don't her all that well, however, well enough. I found out by accident about her bridal shower. I was not invited. Everyone else associated with this family was. I am offended. I was told by everyone in this family not to care because no one's going because of the distance. That's not the point; I feel it's just flat out rude. What would you suggest I do?

Deeply Hurt

Dear DH,

What should you do? I'm afraid there is nothing active you can do about not being invited to this bridal shower. Privately, of course, you can rejoice in the little things: you don't have to travel or get dressed up or lose an afternoon or find a present.

There are all sorts of reasons why one might not be invited to a shower. Shower guest lists tend to be smaller certainly than wedding guest lists, and more "intimate" than other wedding-events such as engagement parties. Often people limit bridal shower invitations to local family and friends to keep people who are far away from feeling obliged to make multiple trips. I suspect this is not the case for you, since you describe a number of other relatives who feel put out by the potential travel.

Whether this was a stupid oversight or a more pointed gesture, there is nothing active you can do to protest, short of boycotting the wedding. That is a drastic gesture and one that might be taken as quite hostile on your part.

Really, this is a family you know well and seem quite close to. If you can manage it, let the slight go and go to the wedding knowing that you won't have anything to be uncomfortable or embarrassed about. I'm sorry this has hurt you, but it surely has less to do with you than the dizziness of the hosts and the circumstances of the shower.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:03 PM    <link>

DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married this year. My fiance is an atheist; my family is very religious. My mother has now made several comments about how I will undoubtedly be miserable married to my fiance because he is not religious. I find myself not wanting to talk with her or my father about the wedding, and I wish they wouldn't come if they have to act badly. (We'd be paying for their travel and housing if they came.) My fiance is also understandably upset. However, I've tried for years to maintain a relationship with them, because I want to be able to help them after they retire. So I can't disinvite them. How do I communicate to them that they can choose to be happy for us and support us, or stay away from our wedding? I won't stop talking with them or hate them if they decide to stay away; in fact, I'd be happier if they stayed away than if they came and made a scene or insisted on inserting a condemnatory prayer into the ceremony or reception.

No Religion

Dear NR

Your question goes beyond etiquette since it cuts to the heart of your relationship with your parents. You have every right to want them to behave themselves but at the same time, you must prepare yourselves for possible parental rebellion.

Because this is a question of family, you can take an approach that is more direct than if you were inquiring about "regular" guests. If you don't think it would encourage your parents to behave poorly, you can explain your position. Tell them that you love them and care about them but that you do not want to hear about religion or their disappointment at your wedding. If you feel very strongly, you could let them know exactly how you feel- that you would rather they not come to your wedding if they can't support it- but they may take this very badly. Only you know how frank you can be.

If your parents do attend, you should have a plan in place in case one or both of them lifts a glass in an unpleasant toast or decides to "object" to your marriage. Let you officiant know that you have a couple of wild cards in the audience and perhaps you can negotiate a way to plow through any interruptions. As for the toasts, if your parents start to misbehave, you and your husband can always interrupt (or you can have someone "emcee" the toasts and have him or her break in with a joke or a call to dance). In the end, they will be the ones who are embarrassed if they decide to scold at your wedding. You already know how your parents feel. The damage they do will be to themselves in revealing to the world how intolerant they are.

So feel free to caution them gently and gird yourself to nip any nastiness in the bud. Only the rarest events unfold without ripples of weirdness, but if you are prepared to roll with the punches, you'll have much less to worry about.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:36 PM    <link>

WORRIED ABOUT OTHERS

Dear Elise,

I have two questions:

1) I know everyone says people never wear bridesmaid dresses again, but I am determined to prove them wrong! I have found a simple, well-priced dress and sent out a few emails to the gals, asking them to have a look. I have gotten mostly positive responses (I have 5 bridesmaids), but one woman wrote to say that she is afraid she might look like she's dressed in a shopping bag. She's all boobs and hips, so she may have a point, and I certainly don't want one of my best friends to feel like a frump at my wedding. Where do I draw the line between doing what's best for the individual and doing what's best for the collective?

2) This one is a bit trickier: my oldest and dearest friend's mother is an obnoxious cow. She drinks too much, is loud, inappropriate and aggressive. I don't want her near me at my wedding. I know I should Zen out on this, but I worry that she'll get drunk and nostalgic (her daughter and I have been friends for 28 years) and hang all over me making inappropriate comments. How do I keep her in check and preferably away from me without hurting anyone's feelings?

Thanks for your wisdom!

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

First thing's first: Your bridesmaid dress question reveals conflicting desires, neither of which is governed by the rules of etiquette. You want your bridesmaids to be happy but you also want them to wear what you've picked for them.

It is wildly unlikely that you will be able to satisfy both of these wants at once, so prepare yourself for compromise. It really is very difficult, in spite of what they say about A-line skirts flattering everyone, to find a dress that suits a wide range of figures and this may leave you with an executive decision on your hands. You can stick with your initial plan and know that one of your friends may be unhappy (you don't say if she has been able to try it on- the whole point may be moot) or you could investigate having them wear different dresses in the same fabric, or finding a style that better suits everyone. It is entirely up to you.

In this case, your question about the needs of the individual over the collective is a bit paradoxical, since what you are talking about is appearance, particularly the appearance of your friends in your wedding photographs, so it is actually a little more in your interest to have them all looking good than it is in theirs. They don't have to wear the dress again, though they certainly might and I hope they do, you will always have the pictures.

Now, your friend's mother presents a problem of stage-managing. In some ways, you will be more protected from this kind of behavior than you were at your engagement party. As a bride, you won't have time to talk for long with anyone, even people you want to spend time with, so when you see her approach, be very warm and cheery and then flit away to "take care of something." To ensure success, enlist the help of a couple of people. Ask a trusty relative and your photographer to keep an eye out for you and ask them to swoop in with an "urgent question" or photo request whenever your friend's mother moves in for the clinch. This gives you a chance to melt into the mists of your wedding and avoid your friend's mother without making your discomfort obvious.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:35 AM    <link>

HAPPY SWAPPING

Dear Elise,

I have a confusing situation with invitations and professional services. I work at a very small design business, which consists of myself and my boss (a graphic designer) and our shared business: a photography studio including the owner and another junior photographer. I've worked out a great deal where I'm bartering design services for wedding photography. I will create their website (on my own time), and he/they will provide photography for our wedding. We haven't worked out all the details yet, but I am assuming "photography services" will include the digital photography at the destination wedding and reception, but not any printing services (I'll take care of that myself).

I'm confused about invitations. This is a destination wedding (about 2 hours away frm where I work). We will be inviting my boss and her husband, but we don’t know how to handle the invitation for my other co-workers. They are both married, and we would send each couple an invitation to the wedding anyway, but I don’t know if this would be appropriate if they are doing professional work for us. Another factor is that the wedding is in the morning and the reception is in the evening, so they would have to stay all day anyway. Also, do we pay for their accommodations at a nearby hotel (or cabins where many guests may be staying) as part of the professional service? I'm not sure if it will require both photographers to be there, so in that case the non-working co-worker would just get an invitation. This is co confusing, please help!

Bartering Services

Dear Bartering,

The easiest way to think about your invitation question is by taking a lot of general etiquette guidelines into account. As a general matter, one should always invite guests with their spouses and pay for the expenses of the people who will be working for you. Usually vendors will discuss the expenses they expect you to cover when you work out your agreement together.

So, depending on how much flexibility you have in your guest list, you could make these decisions quite easily. Ideally, you could accommodate all three of your co-workers and their spouses. Not leaving anyone out would prevent any future awkwardness. As for accommodations, it would be fair to cover the cabin or hotel fees for the photographer, but if the second photographer is a non-working guest, then you are in no way obliged to pay for his or her room.

It sounds strange, but it makes sense. When you break it down, you are really looking at an three potential extra guests- two if the junior photographer works your wedding, too (and it is possible the spouses of one or both of the photographers will decide not to attend if the photographers are working).

Good luck sorting this out. If you can be inclusive, there's no reason not to be, especially when you have a barter situation with co-workers. Just set your eyes on the prize: keeping everyone happy in the long run.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:49 PM    <link>

A BAFFLER: THE PRACTICALITY SHOWER POEM

Dear Elise,

I understand that the "practicality bridal shower" I had 25 years ago is still as practical today as was did back then. I remember there was a poem to include as part of the shower invitation. Do you happen to know it?

Thank you,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Wedding showers are fascinating for their variety and the way they, plantlike, grow in different varieties depending on region. Jack and Jill showers, for instance are one thing on the East Coast (that is to say, coed), another thing entirely in the Midwest and parts of Canada (where they are a sort-of benefit/fundraiser for the wedding couple and guests pay for tickets and games).

I have looked hard for your poem in texts ranging back into the 19t h century, to no avail. So I'm throwing this out to the world at large. If anyone has access to the Practicality Shower Poem, please send it my way and I would be interested to hear where this tradition first took root.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:10 AM    <link>

FOR A CAUSE

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are having a large wedding in May. We each have rather conservative families that will be celebrating with us and our liberal friends. It is important to us to acknowledge how lucky we feel to be able to make a commitment while many of our gay and lesbian friends do not have that option. At the same time, I want my wedding to be a happy occasion and don't feel like starting fights or heated discussions. One option that we have been considering is suggesting that guests make a contribution to an organization that supports gay marriage instead of a traditional gift (if they feel comfortable, of course).

This is tricky. My fiance had the idea of including little cards in the invitation that have a message of support for gay marriage and a delicately worded invitation to donate to an organization. I worry about this option because it feels to close to asking for money on an invite. I would rather send a small card with a message that to support gay marriage my fiance and I have donated to an organization and then just assume that others will feel free to follow our lead if they feel like it. My fiance thinks that this is the more pretentious option, as if we are waiving our charitable contribution in their faces.

Either way we are planning on only sending these cards to guests we know are not violently against gay marriage. So in that respect I wonder if we are doing anything at all. Any ideas?

Thanks,

Considerate Crusader

Dear Considerate,

You're entering an arena where the ice is terribly, terribly thin and while your intentions are unquestionably good, all of the tactics you listed will probably not help your cause.

As with all cash requests, it is important to keep in mind that you are having a wedding, not a benefit, so your instincts to keep money matters out of your invitations are on target. The best approach, really, is to treat charitable donations as if they were part of a wedding registry. If people ask you where you are registered, tell them about the charities you favor and let your friends spread the word as well. If you have, as many do, a web site for all your wedding details, this is a great place to list the charities you want to support and other registry information (if you have it).

Really, taking a gentle, distant approach will spare you the discomfort for which you're already troubleshooting. You're in a difficult position between wanting to raise money for a cause you celebrate and not wanting to ignite the ire of your conservative relatives. If you want to make a statement at your wedding out loud, perhaps you could observe in an early toast (before things get raucous) how happy you are that you could get married and how you hope someday all of your friends, regardless of sexual orientation can enjoy the same privilege. In this way you can publicly acknowledge your feelings and hopes while not creating a situation where anyone feels pressured to give money to a cause.

You are right that, to a certain extent, the people who will respond best to your request for donations are the people who are already sympathetic to your cause and who don't really need much prompting. Tell them that you hope they will support your cause when you speak to them about your wedding.

Political statements do not always communicate well at weddings, particularly when they are combined with a request for money and relatives with different social interests, but if you separate the cash from your feelings, you could possibly influence some people who might not ordinarily be receptive to such a message.

Nothing is certain of course, and only you have a sense of how much you can say.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:53 AM    <link>

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