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Friday, March 31, 2006

ATTEND LESS THAN LAVISH DESTINATION WEDDING?

Elise:

My friends are planning a destination wedding. They want to invite 200+ people. They told me that they have an extremely limited budget and are looking at a restaurant that would cost about $25 pp for food and drink. I hate to sound like a cheap-o but it will cost my husband and me over $1,000 just to fly there, stay in a hotel, and buy a gift. I feel like a jerk for saying it, but if this were an intimate, deluxe celebration, I'd be much more willing to spend all of this money.

I don't think it's right to expect people to spend so much and then serve them a burger. I feel guilty because they asked me 10 times if I would go to a destination wedding and I said it sounded like a good idea at the time. Unfortunately, I don't feel I can get out of it now or could give them my honest opinion about their plans. I know they will hold a grudge if I tell them I can't go. I do want to celebrate their special day with them. But I can't get over the costs.

Am I "wrong" for feeling this way? Second, if not, how do I get out of it?

Yeesh,

To Go or Not To Go

Dear TG / NTG

This is an interesting twist on the whole "paying for plates" issue that comes up from time to time, and which I constantly say is ridiculous.

At the bottom of your question are two points:

1. Destination weddings are expensive for everyone and place a lot of financial burden on guests. 2. You won't know many people who are attending the wedding and are worried about feeling uncomfortable.

These are the two things you should most take into account when you think about attending this wedding. There is no point in thinking about how much money is being spent on guest meals, really. In the first place, this isn't a piece of information most guests ever learn. And in the second, it's a bit of data that isn't particularly helpful. What if the dinners were $100/head and the food happened to be something you hated and you wound up with a hamburger anyway? Do you feel that you're getting a sense that your friends don't really respect their guests and that this will be an unfortunate event? You are entitled to feel that way, but again, the amount of money people spend on their guests is not really a moral issue. You and they are completely entitled to set your budgets as you see fit.

Take counsel with yourselves. If you really feel you don't have the time and money to go to this wedding, then you should tell your friends that you've just been over your finances- and the timing here is convenient, since it is tax time, after all- and that you just can't afford a $1,000 trip right now. Don't argue and don't get defensive. Tell them how sorry you are and how much you want to celebrate with them when they get home.

It is fruitless to wish they were having fewer people or more deluxe catering. They are having the wedding that feels right to them and you're entitled not to go.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:33 AM    <link>

DISINVITE DEBAUCHED FRIEND?

Dear Elise,

I recently had my bridal shower and bachelorette party. One of my friends showed up trashed and continued to drink during dinner. She was being very touchy feely with one of my friends, went into detail on her sex life, and insisted on mouth kissing me constantly. Her behavior got steadily worse through the night. She lost her purse and got hysterical and made us all spend two hours looking for it. Finally we had to call in her boyfriend and parents for assistance. She was completely uncontrollable.

Frankly, I'm quite concerned about how her behavior will be at my wedding reception. My invitations have not yet been sent, so I can definitely not invite her, but she does know where and when it is. I just don't trust her. Is it okay to not include her anymore because of the disrespect and misbehavior she showed on my special night?

Angry

Dear Angry,

Does your desire to keep your friend away from your nuptials go beyond this one sorry evening? Contemplate that question. If you have in any way invited your friend to the wedding- via email, in conversation, with a Save the Date card or in any other manner, then not sending her an invitation is tantamount to disinviting her and will be taken as such.

This was an unfortunate evening, and your friend did behave badly, but perhaps she got overly caught up in the whole bachelorette frenzy, got a head start on the drinking part of the evening and made a fool of herself. It is unlikely she was acting out of disrespect for you, per se, and more just out of stupidity, which has the same result but less malice behind it.

So it is up to you. If you do disinvite your friend, you might terminate your relationship. Is protecting your wedding against the possibility of her foolish behavior worth losing her friendship? Have you talked to her about how deeply she disappointed you?

If you have already invited her informally, and unless there are further extenuating circumstances that have made you turn on your friend, you are best off letting your invitation stand, but you may be out of patience and feel that the friendship is exhausted anyway. The final decision is of course, up to you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:17 AM    <link>

SHUFFLING PARTIES

Dear Elise,

Is there some convention about the order in which parties should be held? My father is holding an engagement party for us in June, but family friends have asked if they can hold a shower in May. Thoughts?

Etiquette Challenged

Dear EC,

Wedding events form a kind of narrative leading up to the big glossy nuptial bash, and we have become familiar with the story they tell, so it makes sense that the engagement party would happen first, followed by showers and rehearsal dinners and bridesmaid's luncheon- if you're feeling especially quaint.

There is no reason, though, why you can't embrace a postmodern style and change the order of events. Engagement parties typically are thrown early on in the game while bridal showers are scheduled closer to the wedding date. The only thing that would be truly weird would be having the wedding first. Having said that, there is a chance that people will quiz you on your decisions, so be prepared to repeat a stock response: "I know it is a little unusual but this was the best way to schedule everything."

If you are truly uncomfortable, you could ask if it is possible to have the shower after the engagement party, but mucking with the order, while unorthodox, is not devastating.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:34 AM    <link>

NO CROWD AT THE ALTAR

Dear Elise,

I am having a very small wedding with immediate family and best friends only (about 20 people). I have two sisters who expect to be maids of honor and my fiance has two brothers who expect to be his best men. This is fine, but if we have the four of them stand with us, the "audience" will have fewer than 15 people in it.

I thought that we could designate them in their roles and have them all walk in ahead of us for the processional, but they would all sit. Then, all the guests could stand for our vows. I do not want anyone to feel snubbed, but I do not want unnecessary formality that may seem out of place with our event. I am also not sure what this would mean for the recessional, if we even had one. Do you have any suggestions on how to structure all of this?

Thank You!

Confused Bride

Dear CB,

This is your party and you can have your bridal party stand or sit as you please, really. While it is traditional for the wedding couple to be flanked by their respective bridesmaids and groomsmen, you certainly don't have to crowd yourselves. These are all "honor" jobs, anyway, so if you are having an informal wedding, there is no need to introduce any ceremony that feels artificial or excessive to you.

If anyone questions you on your decision, just speak the truth: you are having such a small wedding and you just didn't want to introduce too much pomp and circumstance.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:17 AM    <link>

INVITES & LATE PLANS

Dear Elise,

For various reasons, my fiance and I have had to change our wedding date several times and now that we have settled on a date, it is only 5 weeks out! We need to keep the ceremony and reception very small (20 people) because we are paying for everything and have a tiny budget. Our parents were consulted about the date before we booked everything, but there are other relatives that our parents want to invite. Do we have the "right" to say "no" because we are footing the bill?

Also, I have several relatives that live overseas that my father would like me to invite. Because of time constraints, pre-made plans and illnesses, I know that they will not be able to attend the wedding. Is it rude to sent them invitations? Should I enclose notes that say something like: "I know you won’t be able to attend, but thought you’d like to receive a formal invitation anyway?"

Thanks!

Little Wedding

Dear LW

Do your parents really know the score? Surely they know that you and your fiance are paying for your wedding yourselves, but do they understand your budget limits? When they tell you that they want you to invite more people, calmly tell them that you absolutely can't afford to open up the guest list any more. Remind them that an extremely intimate guest list means that fewer people can be offended for being left out because your restrictions are being fair to everyone. Opening it up a little bit usually means allowing fragments of groups of relatives and friends, which almost always results in some factions being upset. In short, the fact that you are financing your affair does give you the ability to set parameters, but gently implying that your current plan will create more harmony in the long run will go further than simply talking about cash.

As for your second question, you certainly do not need to write disclaimers for your invitations. No one should think that you are demanding presents, but if you are feeling sheepish about the late date and would feel more comfortable adding a line or two, saying you do understand that circumstances might prevent them from coming but you wanted them to feel included, you can do that as well. It really depends on what you think their feelings might be.

Congratulations on your wedding and on finally finding a date.

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:01 AM    <link>

KEEPING IT

Hello Elise,

I never had any intention of changing my name. Nothing against my intended, his family, or those who do change their names, it just isn't something I want to do. My fiance and I have only vaguely discussed the subject, and his only opinion was: "well, it would mean a lot to me if you did." He knows I would only consider changing my name for a really good reason, not just for "tradition".

I haven't brought this issue up since that conversation. I am hoping I will just not deal with it, not do any paperwork, and casually correct people when they assume I have taken my fiance's name. I do worry because my fiance comes from a moderately traditional family. I don't want to be viewed as trying to make a point, but I am also not willing to give up my name (which I feel is a piece of my identity) just to avoid conflict. What should I do?

Thank you,

Passively Independent

Dear PI,

This isn't a question of etiquette. If you don't want to change your name, you certainly don't have to. Whatever debate you have with your fiance is your business entirely, and you are certainly not doing anything rude by keeping your name.

But you are defensive, and being defensive about a choice is a sure way to find yourself in a fight about it. Neutralize yourself. In keeping your name, you aren't doing anything remotely bizarre. The world is full of women who keep their names for reasons ranging from the professional to the sentimental and everything in between, including sloth (depending on where you live and what you do, name changing can be quite a bit of work). So get comfortable knowing that you are far from unusual in your inclinations.

Then do nothing. If your fiance tells you again that it is important to him that you change your name, you can tell him that keeping it intact is just as important to you and see where the conversation takes you. You certainly don't need to come up with better reasons. If his family asks, you can say the same thing. If they call you by his name, you can gently correct them. But maintain a happy, confident exterior and don't get mad until someone bullies you.

It's your name. You're sticking to it.

Congratulations

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:00 AM    <link>

KID NEGOTIATIONS

Elise,

My fiance likes children in any circumstance, whereas I think that there are many places where it is inappropriate for children to be around. Our wedding is one of them.

I am compromising by allowing his brother's children to attend. I think that friends and more distant relatives should leave the kids at home. My fiance is not thrilled by this plan. I don't want the parents to be occupied by their children the whole night, or the opposite- not watching them. We are renting a mid-century modern home and there are many things that I think kids would want to play with. There is also a swimming pool with no fence or protection, as well as many boulders and prickly cactus around.

To futher complicate matters, most of these guests with children are traveling to the wedding. How do I negotiate this with my fiance and how would I go about finding childcare for kids if their parents do end up bringing them?

Kid-Free Please

Dear K-F P

This is not an etiquette issue, but one of taste and choice. No one is right or wrong, but you and your fiance will need to form a united front for everyone's sake.

To that end, you would know much better than I how to convince your fiance that your wedding would be happier without children. To a certain extent, you're working at a disadvantage because your wedding is out of town. People who have no trouble at all calling upon tried and true babysitters at home can be reluctant to travel without their children or use an unfamiliar sitter in a strange setting. If you don't invite children, you and your fiance should be prepared for possible guest list attrition.

Perhaps the fear of losing guests or alienating them is what is bothering him, and if that is the case, there is little you can do. Your safety concerns, while legitimate, probably won't make this decision easier for him, though perhaps you can take the sting out of excluding the children kids with a hometown compromise: a kids-included get-together for all of the people who aren't going to travel.

You can take some steps towards making the wedding generally unappealing to kids: having the event at night is a terrific way to deter parents. People have a much harder time understanding why children (especially traveling ones) would be excluded from an afternoon wedding.

Given your fiance's feelings, finding some wedding childcare might work out to be a good compromise for you. If you have used an event planner, he or she might have the names of some reputable people. Of course, if any of your guests are local, you could ask them if they know of anyone or could point you to some resources. Sometimes local colleges and universities have babysitting services where you can hire students. If you are using the services of a hotel with a concierge, they can surely provide you with information. There are probably also local childcare agencies that you could find in the Yellow Pages, and you might also try calling some of the local grammar or nursery schools to see if they have recommendations. Going through an agency will enable you to get some references ahead of time, which could help ease any concerns parents might have.

This may be the biggest compromise you and your fiance have to reach for your wedding. As a point of etiquette, you can include or exclude children as you see fit, but it is a decision you should really make together- be it having childcare for the ceremony or accepting the absence of some friends.


Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:31 AM    <link>

STICKY OFFICE INVITATIONS

Elise,

Our wedding ceremony will only have about 50 guests. The reception will be larger (with another 50 people). I work in a small office, of about 35 employees. Three of my coworkers will be attending the ceremony and the party. I had planned on inviting a few others to the party, but not the entire office.

How do I invite them without appearing ill mannered? I know the following week everyone will be talking about it. Am I obligated to invite my direct supervisor and other people I work with directly?

Also, a co-worker, who will not be invited to the ceremony, asked if she could throw a shower for me, I agreed. Now that I think of it, I had no intentions of inviting some of my co-workers to the party that she will invite to the shower. What do I do?

Work Stuck

Dear Work Stuck,

The short answer with office invitations is to impress upon your guests the importance of being discreet. This is a lesson everyone should have learned in grammar school- when kids threw birthday parties and only invited their friends. It is unpleasant to lord invitations over the uninvited and it is completely unnecessary for people to talk about your party around people who weren't invited. Really. You can't control the rudeness of others, but you can hope your guests can control themselves enough not to make everyone miserable and uncomfortable.

You do not need to invite everyone. Many people feel obliged to invite their immediate superiors and co-workers, but protocol for this is murky. What really matters is how you feel about including or excluding them. You are certainly not obliged to invite anyone from your office, though if you work in a very small office of, say, 10 people and invite 8 of them, the omitted two will probably feel slighted. Only you can assess the balance here.

In general, office showers are the wedding shower exception. It isn't uncommon for offices to throw wedding showers for brides who are unable to invite any co-workers to their weddings. Where you are on awkward ground is that your co-worker who is throwing this shower is not invited to the ceremony that other co-workers will be attending and the whole business is a little hairy. You may want to think about inviting the shower planner to the ceremony since she is likely to find out that she is on the second list and feel sad that she was left out of the main event after she planned your shower.

As for the other coworkers, it is an uncomfortable set-up, but only you know how tricky it is. You could ask that everyone in your office be invited to the shower. This could diffuse the exclusivity factor and turn it into a work party, or you could say that you would love to have a pre-wedding cake party but that you don't want a shower and without the whole issue of presents to make you feel guilty, you can actually enjoy yourself.

Small offices are the bane of guest lists, so use your judgment and set your own policies.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:29 AM    <link>

HOW SOON TO SEND?

Hi Elise!

We've mailed, phoned, or e-mailed save the date announcements and we're going to send sending invitations out 6 months before our informal wedding. I'd like to know the attendance status as soon as possible, but I recognize that people might not know their plans so far in advance. What RSVP-by date is acceptable?

Thanks!

Ready for the Head Count

Dear Ready,

Is there some pressing reason you need to know what your wedding attendance will be so early? Are you having a destination wedding that requires exact reservations four months in advance?

I ask because 6 months is an almost excessive lead-time, barring unusual circumstances. The standard behavior, as far as mailing invitations goes, is to send them out six to eight weeks before the wedding. Since you've already sent out your save the date announcements, you've done everything possible to get people to, well, save the date. So unless there is a pressing reason for getting your responses back super-early, it would be wise to post your invitations a little closer to the date. Your prospective guests will know what they are all up to and be less inclined to forget and make plans on top of yours.

But I haven't answered your primary question yet. Usually people need a final head count two to three weeks before the wedding. If you're concerned, ask your caterer or event coordinator how much lead time he or she requires, add a week, and that should give you a comfortable cushion for RSVPs. (If your caterer needs a head count two weeks before the wedding, then set your RSVP date three weeks before, so that you have a week in which to call all the slackers who forgot to respond.)

For now, sit tight on your invites. Your guests' plans will change and it is better to get real numbers than have to constantly revisit your guest list when people's plans change.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:28 AM    <link>

HOLIDAY ISSUES

Elise,

My son has been dating his fiancee for 3 years now. The first year, he spent Thanksgiving with us and her family hosted them during Christmas. The last two years, my son has spent the holidays exclusively with his fiancee and her family and mostly plan to do the same this year.

My husband and I sat down with my son, told him how this hurt us and asked him if we did something to hurt him. My son said that he loved us as much as ever, but that his fiancee preferred being with her family to being with us.

What if this happens during their whole marriage? I have not seen my son during the holiday season for 2 years now. What if I don't get to see my grandkids during those times?

Worried

Dear Worried,

This is more a problem of family than etiquette, but I'll take a run at it.

Rather than asking your son to react to a complaint, as you have tried in the unsatisfactory "Is it us?" conversation you had with him, see if you can be more proactive. If you have a moment together before the wedding planning obviates rational thought, ask your son and his girlfriend together if you could set up a schedule for the holidays. Tell them how much you want to see them and how important it is to you to have some time at the holidays together. The key here is not to get angry or use guilt to get what you want. If you do that, you'll only drive your daughter-in-law further away and she'll take your son with her.

See if you can't set up a system of trading off Thanksgiving and Christmas, where each set of parents gets the "kids" for one of the holidays every year. You don't describe how far apart all of you live, but perhaps there is a possibility of your son and his fiancee doing the occasional "tour" where they visit one family on Christmas Eve and the other on Christmas Day.

The point here is that the way things are is making you unhappy and it is now up to you to present some solutions to both your son and his fiancee. Don't dwell on your understandable discomfort; be proactive and aggressive about establishing a new way of doing things. They are getting married, which means many things, among them, assuming some small sort of responsibility for both sets of families. Make your wishes known to both of them and see if you can't find a compromise.

Above all, don't be afraid of your future daughter-in-law. She is just a person who probably doesn't realize she has created a painful situation and even if she does, she will have to learn to be a grown up and negotiate, even it means making your son eat two turkey dinners in one long Thanksgiving weekend tour.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:36 AM    <link>

ENVELOPE ISSUES

Dear Elise,

My husband's cousin is getting married next month. Invitations have been sent, and RSVPs are now being returned.

The bride complained to my mother-in-law that "it is not proper etiquette" to put a return address label on the RSVP envelope! I have never heard of something so ridiculous! Have you? It is, after all, courteous to the mail carriers, who request that we all use return address labels.

Sign me,

Is This Truly Etiquette?

Dear Is This Truly,

One would hope the bride has better things to think about than the aesthetics of soon-to-be-recycled response envelops, but perhaps not.

It is difficult to know what she is even talking about. Perhaps she is peeved because the RSVP envelopes she sent out have her return address on the back flap. It is common to order wedding stationery like this. To go so far as to say that adding a second return address is rude is a little beyond the pale.

On the other hand, if she sent out envelopes that have no return address on them and hopes that her prospective guests will refuse to supply their own, then she is being a little silly. Back in the dark days of 2001 when letters contaminated with Anthrax were being sent through the US Postal System people were encouraged not to open any letters that arrived without return addresses. So perhaps these responders are simply doing what they've been told to do for the last five years.

Or is the bride-to-be worried that people have used pre-printed labels and have not exerted themselves and written the address by hand? It is "traditional" to address envelopes by hand, but if we are being absolutely literal here, I have to point out that RSVP cards themselves are not remotely traditional. The standard process for accepting or declining an invitation was to hand write a note. Prospective guests would have been insulted or baffled to receive a pre-printed card. So, really, in the most classical sense, the bride is the one who is an etiquette violator. But who's counting?

There are so many opportunities for wrongness, and the bride-to-be is far from an expert. She should unfurrow her brow and be glad that people are responding at all. She'll be stuck telephoning RSVP shirkers soon enough and regretting that she ever worried about envelopes.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:36 AM    <link>

TIMING

Dear Elise

I am planning a baby shower brunch. What would be the appropriate time to have this? I was going to do it at 10a.m.

Thank you,

Scrambled Eggs & Cake

Dear SE & C

Brunch by definition is an in-between sort of scenario. 10:00 is a perfectly safe time to throw your shower. Really, as long as you don't schedule things to get started at the typical breakfast hour (too early for a party really), you're in great shape.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:34 AM    <link>

MORE ABOUT PAYING FOR PLATES

Dear Elise-

Have you ever heard of anyone making money on their wedding by insisting (or guests just knowing) that the guests give the couple cash to cover the price of their plate, in addition to a gift? I was recently told this by someone, and not only have I never heard of this or done this, but this seems completely bizarre.

I was under the impression that it's impolite to ask for cash as a wedding gift for any reason and that it's rude to even assume that someone will get you a gift at all. I was also told (by an interested party) that guests should try to get the couple a gift that they think will cover the cost of their plate. Are there cultural or regional differences at work here that I am unaware of? How do I know the gift-giving rules, there are any?

Thanks,

Confused

Dear Confused,

Self-interest is always trying to disguise itself as propriety. People love to make up all sorts of "rules" regarding weddings and presents. Put them out of your mind. Unless you are part of a culture that has specific traditions of giving gifts of money, then you are under no obligation to participate in these strange policies that are being pitched your way. Even in circumstances where cash is an expected present, people give what they want, not according to random assumptions about wedding expenses.

No. No one is supposed to give the bridal couple a present and the cost of their meals. That is a preposterous idea. If guests want to give a gift of cash, they are free to do so and if they want to give a present and cash, that's perfectly reasonable, but those choices have more to do with personal taste than explicit rules.

Your interested party is also wrong about the "paying for plates" scheme. This is a persistent rumor but it is crazy. How is one supposed to discover how much money one's plate costs? Would this be just the cost of food alone, or food and alcohol? What if one only drinks water? Does one factor in the fee for laundering the napkins and tablecloths? You see, it is ridiculous.

You're right. Traditionally speaking, people should not expect anything, at least not anything specific, from their guests. They can count on getting presents in the most general sense, but unless they are from a community that has specific traditions of giving cash or kitchenware, checks or livestock, they should only announce preferences through their registries.

Paying for plates, while charmingly alliterative has nothing to do with manners.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:11 AM    <link>

WHY CAN'T THEY ALL JUST GET ALONG?!

Dear Elise,

My partner and I have started to think about our wedding, but I am a bit frightened because my mother's brothers are not on speaking terms with her or her sisters.

My mother and her sisters were not invited to the last family wedding to avoid tension, but all of their children (the bride's cousins) were. Now it is my turn to try and make this work. I would love for all my aunts and uncles to be there, but some may decide not to come. It would be awful if a big fight ruined the day.

Do I invite everyone or just my aunts' families? If everyone comes, should I just be prepared for the inevitable tension?

Lia

Dear Lia,

While it is a shame you have to be so conscious of family ire, there is really nothing you can do to erase it. All of these battles are not yours to fight so you are free to act like the grown-up that you are.

Invite anyone you want. If you are on speaking terms with everyone, and would like your aunts and uncles to be at your wedding, invite them all. After that, the ball is in their court and the choice is theirs whether or not they feel they can attend in the right spirit. If they do come and pick fights with each other, no one will think poorly of you. Your invitation came with the outrageous thought that they might simply show up and celebrate a happy occasion with you. In fact, your family should look warmly on such a generous optimistic gesture on your part.

I say this, knowing, of course that families are rarely disposed to that sort of practical, tempered thinking.

At bottom, an invitation is not an insult. All of your relatives are old enough to have children of their own and presumably they are old enough to handle themselves in mildly complicated social situations. If they aren't, they can stay at home or look like fools. The choice is theirs.

All you have to do is decide whom you would like to see on your wedding day.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:42 AM    <link>

SMALL VS. BIG

Dear Elise,

We got engaged at Christmas, but still have not set a wedding date.

He wants a much bigger affair than I do. I want to either run off or have a tiny wedding with immediate family with a party afterwards- no cake cutting, garter throwing and all that other stuff.

I'm shy. I hate being the center of attention. I'm not worried about marrying my fiance, I just don't know if I can get through the ceremony. We had a long talk about it and he obviously wants a Big Deal, or at least a bigger deal than I do. It's his Big Day too. I want it to be Our Small Day. If we plan a big shindig, I'm afraid I'll get stage fright.

I also have zero interest in planning or paying for a big wedding. The most thought I've ever given it is that it would be fun to get married on a beach in Hawaii. Eloping is also appealing because we both worry that our families will mix like oil and water.

I just want it to be a quiet, done deal.

- Quietly, Quietly

Dear Quietly,

There are few wedding circumstances where there is no possibility of compromise and happily, your problem- the big wedding / small wedding problem isn't one of them.

This is not so much a question of etiquette as a matter of diplomacy, so be prepared to negotiate and give a little.

Your range of choices is enormous. You could have a small, family-only wedding followed by a big reception. You could marry at City Hall with only the required strangers as witnesses and then have a party. You could bite the bullet and just have a big wedding or you could elope and invite no one. Neither of you will be 100% on board with any of these plans, but you can figure something out that at least satisfies your fiance's desire to be social while easing your anxiety.

Make a list of the standard wedding elements that give you the most pause, and figure out how to work around them. Lots of brides don't walk down an aisle and even more reject the garter toss. You can wear anything you like at your wedding, so if dress shopping is getting you down, don't do it. If cake is important to your fiance, maybe you could see clear to cutting a slice and ending the ceremony at that. And if the prospect of planning is getting you down, tell your fiance that if he wants a wedding, he can do the lion's share of the planning.

The only thing you really should do is try to find a way where the wedding elements that are most important to each of you are recognized. This might mean minor discomfort for you and some disappointment for your fiance, but those are the breaks. It is unlikely you'll get utter anonymity you want right now, but you may discover that a moment in the limelight isn't as taxing as it feels right now. Look for ways to enjoy your wedding and look out for each other.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:31 PM    <link>

WEDDINGS ARE EXPENSIVE FOR GUESTS

Hello,

I have had many negative experiences with other people's weddings, largely because of expenses. The last wedding party I was in cost me $2500. I love my friend but was silently furious for a year over the cost.

So it's extremely important to me not to bankrupt my wedding guests. We are planning a destination wedding, and have decided to invite any friends/family that are willing to travel, since a few already expressed the desire to.

Is there a tactful way to let people know that no one is obliged to spend the money for the trip, no matter how close they are to us? Can I include such a note in the invite?

I don't want to register. Is there any tactful way to try to stop people from buying me gifts? My only thought is to include a note saying that we are "registered" with our favorite charities, and list them.

Thanks!

Don't Want to Bankrupt My Friends

Dear Don't Want,

Yours is the central destination wedding quandary: you want to go away, but you don't want people to resent you for making them buy plane tickets and stay in a hotel. It is a reasonable concern, except that the bulk of the people you are inviting are presumably adults, capable of understanding their finances and living within their means if they choose to. Trust them.

The unspoken policy regarding wedding travel should be that guests who can't afford to go don't resent the bride and groom for getting married far away, and the bride and groom accept the fact that there might be some guest list attrition due to the two factors that always get in everyone's way: time and money.

Really. There is nothing rude about having a destination wedding, and there's no reason you have to tell people that they don't have to come if they don't feel they can afford to, certainly not in the invitation itself. They understand this. If you are very concerned, you can always through a hometown party after your wedding. You can let people know through word of mouth that if they can't hit the road, they can still go to an after-the-fact party.

As for your question about presents, you certainly don't have to register anywhere. Registries have really only recently become acceptable from the perspective of classical etiquette. They were considered crass and greedy. On the other hand, it really is not yours to tell people not to buy you wedding presents. This is something people want to do and it is understood that there are no rules about how much money they need to spend. Of course, you could set up a registry with the charities you support, but including donation information in your invitation is just as problematic as sticking your registry card in there. Make no mention of presents or donations in your invitations. When people ask, you can mention your charities, just as you would a regular registry. Beyond that, people will do what they want to do and, for better or worse, there's little you can do to stop them.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:30 AM    <link>

HOW NOT TO HANDLE YOUR WEDDING PARTY

Hello Elise,

It all started when a good friend asked if I would be his best man and if my daughter could be a flower girl. Later, his fiance asked if my wife could be a bridesmaid. One day, the fiance emailed my wife and asked what she thought of the dress. My wife wrote back that she thought the dress looked a bit plain in the picture but that she should go ahead and pick the dress if that's truly what she wants regardless of what other people thought. We thought we were among their closest friends and felt comfortable giving honest opinions. We were wrong. They were hurt and offended and we've apologized profusely.

We had few rough months since then. Last week, my friend and I had lunch and he told me that he'd like to have two best men instead of just me. I was disappointed but I told him that it's his wedding.

Then his fiance met with my wife a few days ago and she asked her (in a weird "its not you, it's me" kind of way) to step down as a bridesmaid. My wife is disappointed and curious about what is going on with our friendship. My friend's fiance then told my wife that she would keep my wife as a bridesmaid if she still wanted to be a part of the wedding party. My wife told her that it's up to her and would step down. Obviously my friend's fiance will find another bridesmaid.

Now we don't know if we should even bring up my daughter's involvement. Should I step down? Is the co-best man thing normal? How should I handle this?

Thanks.

Completely Confused

Dear CC

You've got a sensitivity crisis on your hands and the only thing you can do is sit tight and let the wedding come and go.

Clearly your friend's fiancee is either remarkably thin-skinned and misinterpreted your wife's comments about the dress to mean something much more sinister, or has not wanted your wife in her wedding party for a while. There is nothing to be done about this, I'm afraid. Something has seized this woman's mind that she probably doesn't understand herself. She is being extremely weird by firing and then unfiring your wife and then telling her it is up to her. Your wife is wise to leave the decision in the bride's hands and to be as easygoing as possible.

As for your friend, maybe he caved to pressure to include a second best man. Perhaps he picked a second person in case you bowed out of the job after his fiancee fired your wife (your timeline suggests they spoke to you both about this at about the same time). Maybe he's suddenly feeling lonely and wants more friends with him at the altar. There's no telling why he has made these choices. They are a little unusual, but wedding parties to take on many shapes. No one even blinks when women have two maids of honor (or a "maid" and a "matron"), so maybe your friend is just picking up on a trend. If you want to support your friend, then try to adopt a "more the merrier" stance, at least on the outside and remember, the wedding is only a few hours.

As for your daughter, ideally you'd wait for your friend to tell you what is going on. If your daughter is aware of the wedding and asking about it, you can ask your friend gently if there is anything you should do to prepare her for the wedding and add that you would understand if plans have changed. Do not buy anything and do not talk to your daughter about it until you know what your friend and his fiancee want to do.

This is really the shame of wedding parties. People get so caught up in the day and appearances that they tend to forget that all of this happens within the larger context of friendship. With any luck, your pleasant detachment should allow for a full reconciliation after the wedding when nuptial insanity has had a chance to recede.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:37 PM    <link>

CORRECT IN GOOD CONSCIENCE

Dear Elise,

I have a question about filling out someone else's wedding RSVP card: A wonderful friend of mine is marrying the woman of his dreams whom I've never met. Her parents sent a formal invitation for a fancy wedding.

Their reply card has the standard "M_________________" fill in the blank. Our outer and inner envelopes were addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" most likely because the bride and her family do not know I kept my maiden name. What is the proper way to fill in the reply blank? Should I simply be gracious and reply "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith________" or should I write in the correct names?

I just want to keep with proper etiquette but avoid my place setting stating my last name incorrectly.

Thank you so much,
Kept her Maiden Name

Dear Kept,

There is really nothing inherently gracious about allowing people to refer to you by a name you don't use and you have been given the perfect opportunity to correct your hosts' innocent mistake. So fill out your response card with both of your names and send it back with a clear conscience.

It seems strange that one feels one is being petty about insisting on this correction with people one doesn't know and will probably never see again and that is why, I suspect, you suggest that if you were "gracious" you'd just let the matter pass. But really, if there is no malice involved- and it is unlikely your hosts are trying to make a political point- you are faced with a common and easily corrected mistake, which you should feel free to make.

I face this sort of thing all the time on these pages with people regularly reversing a couple of letters of my name so that it looks as if they are writing to a certain cow who was a favorite advertising mascot for Borden. Needless to say, I fix the errors without ascribing any bad intent.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:44 AM    <link>

RECEPTION OPTIONS

Dear Elise,

We are getting married in a couple of months, and still have no decision about what type of reception we should have. Our situation feels so complicated. I would like to have the reception (if any) at my parents’ home, which means that the style must be acceptable to my mother.

My family feels that an invitation to a wedding implies that a full meal will be served at the reception. My fiance (who was raised abroad) thinks the invitation is to the ceremony only, and that a reception can take virtually any form. We would like a cocktail reception, and have chosen a ceremony time/style to accommodate that idea.

We can't afford to host a "traditional" reception without help. While our parents are willing to help, neither set can contribute a lot, so the reception styles are already limited.

We can afford to have a large (200 guest) wedding with no reception at all or serve a meal to a small subset of guests (about 36 people- immediate family only). If my parents agree we could have a wedding with about 75 guests and a cocktail reception at my parents' house.

A strong theme running through the whole affair is our sense that the day is happening BECAUSE of us, and thus the final “veto” is in our hands.

Any thoughts on how best to resolve this dilemma?

Thanks for your help.

Trying to Please Everyone

Dear Trying to Please,

Well, the day is happening all because of you, since it is your wedding; and if you are footing the bill, you do have quite a bit of control over what you pay for, so you aren't deluded.

In truth, you can have any of the wedding/reception combinations that you listed above and still be polite, though having no reception at all would be a little sad feeling- since you'd be denying the part of the wedding everyone truly appreciates: the chance to become an active participant in the event, chat up people and gossip.

Receptions can take any form at all, from cocktails and hors de' oeuvres to dessert-only to multi-course meals, so the choice is really up to you. Are you feeling inclusive? If so, invite as many people as you like and serve up beer and wine a few snacks and cake and be done with it. If you want to have a limited guest list at a full-meal reception, you can certainly do that too, though the more people you have traveling for your wedding, the more folks you will feel obliged to invite to your "intimate" reception. Another way to cut costs is to have a dessert or "tea" reception. If you're worried that your guests might feel blindsided, you can always note on your invitation: "Please join us for a cocktail [dessert / tea / etc.] reception..." that makes your plans beyond clear.

If you get flak from parental camps, simply remind them that you'd rather be inclusive and let them have some flexibility with the guest list, and you can be as gracious with modest fare as you could be with a gonzo buffet.

You should not feel pressured into paying for something you can't afford, but by the same token, you shouldn't feel obliged to cut down on guests simply because of a belief that the multi-course meal with steak or chicken entrees is the only way to feed people. It isn't.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:00 AM    <link>

CAN'T INVITE EVERYONE

Dear Elise,

I would like to know how to respond when someone asks if they will be invited to my wedding. At the moment, we are in the preliminary planning stages so it is fairly easy to come be vague. But what about when our plans are in place? We are getting married in Las Vegas and then throwing a party in our hometown two weeks later. What do I say to co-workers and acquaintances who put me on the spot like this once my guest list is complete?

Thanks,

Vegas Bride

Dear Vegas,

You've got a good line for now and as you get closer to the wedding date, your language is going to change and you will be able to free yourself of the vague noncommittal phrases you've gotten used to. This is a good thing.

When you’re organized and know what you're doing, you'll have the perfect thing to say without apologies: "We'd love to invite everyone, but we're having a small wedding." If you do intend to invite these folks to your hometown party, you can certainly add that they'll be invited to the post-Vegas reception.

People may put you on the spot, and they may just be curious, but you don't have to say anything other than the truth: you can't invite everyone, but you'd love to see them at your party.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:22 PM    <link>

IT IS INDEED HER PARTY

Dear Elise-

My future mother-in-law is driving me bananas! She's been doing this for years, but I'm at finally at my wit's end. I don't know who I'm more upset with: my fiance for not taking a stand or myself for putting up with this.

We were originally going to elope to Italy and have a reception at home later but she bribed us into having the wedding in the States. She complained and bullied incessantly, in spite of the fact that we were paying for the whole thing. I'd had enough. My fiance was too afraid to talk to her, so I wrote a polite email (I even ran it past my grandmother to make sure I was being diplomatic and kind) asking her to take a step back, relax and move toward enjoying this time.

That started World War III. My fiance and I ended up in counseling and we postponed the wedding. Now, 2 years later, we're back on track to get married in a couple of months.

My fiance's mother is throwing a "welcome" dinner the night before the wedding since we're not having a rehearsal. She wants to hold the dinner at the hotel where she will stay for the wedding. It's actually less of a dinner and more of a "come when you feel like it and spend time with us by the pool," party which sends chills up my spine. I dread this. I do not want to go to her hotel, nor do I want to swim. My fiance doesn't like it either, but instead of saying, "Thank you for your generosity, but we're just not too keen on this idea." he threw me to the lioness, yammering on about how I didn't like the idea. His mother finally told us," It's MY PARTY and I can throw it however I like."

I'm starting to really lose respect for my fiance. At nearly 40 years old, he should be able to be firm but polite with his mother.

- Impatient

Dear Impatient,

You've won the war. Now it's time to relinquish a battle or two. If your query is about the party, wash your hands of it and resign yourself to being a guest, albeit a guest of honor. You don't have to swim. All you have to do is put in an appearance and be happy in the knowledge that you aren't responsible for any part of this. If people have a fabulous time, they can toast the hostess and if they are unhappy, no one will blame you. You're getting the wedding on your terms; let your future mother-in-law indulge herself in this event.

There is a possibility here that she is forced to make bunch of awkward compromises. She may not be able to afford a sit-down dinner for everyone she wants to invite, or maybe she is awkwardly trying to create a situation where people can bring their children and celebrate informally. Whatever the case may be, try to let go of it. This is her party. The wedding is yours.

But your letter suggests your problem goes beyond this single event. If your deeper concern is really over whether or not you want to marry a man who is unwilling to fight with his mother for what you want, there is nothing the protocols of etiquette can do for you. You know the score and after this many years and that much counseling, it is unlikely his behavior or your reaction to it will change radically. All is not lost, though. If you choose to stay in the relationship, realize that you and your fiance have these sensitivities and take care to negotiate with each other. Weddings can trigger some of the most extreme bouts of mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law strife, so try to use this as one of those annoying learning experiences that will arm you to the teeth with negotiating strategies that you can use on your partner and his mother. This will come in handy for any and all future family negotiations.

Consider the bright side of all of this: at least you know what you're up against with your fiance and his mother. Neither of them can surprise you and there is a huge advantage in that.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:21 AM    <link>

TIP THE JUDGE?

Dear Elise

My sister is getting married by a judge next week. He charges $100 to perform the service. Should she give him a tip in addition to the fee he charges? And if so, how much should she tip him?

Thanks

Just Checking

Dear JC,

As a general matter, and the policies on tipping are nothing if not general, one isn't required to tip the "boss" or the owner of a company. In your sister's case, she is dealing with a judge who has set his price and does not need more compensation than what he has already decided on (this is different from dealing with a religious institution, where one pays the house of worship a fee, in which case the officiant could be tipped with less confusion). In this case, it would be awkward to offer the judge additional cash.

Of course, officiants are often guests of honor at weddings, and are traditionally invited to the reception and seated at the "head table" with the bride and groom and their parents. If this still feels a little unfinished, your sister can give the judge a small present (there's a reason why wine and champagne are often so elegantly packaged) as a gesture of her appreciation.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:15 PM    <link>

REPERCUSSIONS OF FIRING YOUR SISTER

Dear Elise

My only sister got engaged in January. She asked my daughters to be flower girls and asked if I'd like to be a bridesmaid or do a reading or sing.

I was 19 weeks pregnant at that time. Being in her bridal party is all I've ever wanted to do for her on her day and as soon as I got the go-ahead from my OB and the airlines that it would be safe for me to travel at 34 weeks pregnant (barring unforeseeable complications) I told her I wanted to be her bridesmaid. Three weeks later, told me that she'd changed her mind and only wanted me to read or sing.

She insists this is not punishing me for some ancient grudge and says she is worried that traveling will be too much of a risk for me and the baby (ignoring the fact that I would still have to travel if I attend her wedding in any capacity).

My husband and I have agreed to respectfully decline her offer to have me read or sing and we have decided to stay home. My mother wants us to just come. (She even advised my sister not to do this to me.) I really want to go, but don't think it is safe for us to go at this point. If I don't go, neither do my (flower) girls. They have been told we are not going for the safety of the baby. And they are ok with that.

What would you do, if anything, differently?

Rejected and Repulsed Sister of the Bride

Dear RR Sister,

If you're asking about etiquette, you've made a perfectly reasonable decision. In general, I don't always recommend pointing out ones reasons for not attending a wedding, but in your case you can be clear with your sister about your reasons for boycotting the wedding (you can tell your daughters anything you like). You are not attending the wedding because your sister effectively fired you. This has nothing to do with the safety of you baby. As you point out, you were well on your way to taking every precaution to ensure that your family would be fine and you would be flying regardless of whether you were a bridesmaid a songbird or a guest.

So gently, and without rancor let your sister know why you're sitting out her wedding, and then let the matter rest. She made her decision and you responded to it very clearly. Now you can move on and figure out how to negotiate your future relationship with her. This won't be easy for you, but once the chapter of her wedding is over, she will probably regain her senses and then you and she will have the rest of your lives with each other, so be prepared to let this incident fade. Her wedding really is just one day, and once it is over you both can get on with the rest of your lives, and from the looks of it, yours is going to be very busy indeed for a while.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:08 AM    <link>

RETURNS

Dear Elise,

Last spring, a friend asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I promptly bought the bridesmaid dress that she had chosen. A few months later, the wedding was called off. The couple has since gotten back together, although I haven't heard anything more about the wedding. Would it be in bad form to return the dress, especially since the couple, at least, is on again?

Regards,

Not My Color

Dear Not My Color,

No one could fault you for returning the dress. It is unlikely, if you are called into service a second time, that the bride will select the same frock, and it is always preferable to keep the number of little-worn dresses in one's closet to a minimum.

You could mention to your friend that you are going to do this, but since you don't mention exactly how prompt you were when you bought your dress in the first place, she might be rather surprised that you acquired it at all.

Return it and replace it with something that makes you shine.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:06 PM    <link>

CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

Dear Elise,

I am the maid of honor for my best friend and am throwing her wedding shower. The problem is, my best friend can't stand her future mother-in-law. There are no villains, just two women who don't like each other and have already exchanged some very harsh words. I asked my mother for advice and she feels that if the future mother-in-law's presence will cause more harm than good (which I am convinced it will) then she shouldn't be invited to the shower.

I know my friend will not relax and have a good time if her fiance's mother is there. Do I have to invite her future mother-in-law? Why traditionally are the fiance's mothers invited anyway?

Thanks,

Maid Of Honor in Need of Advice

Dear Maid of Honor in Need,

Breathe easy. You have been mildly misinformed. There are no fixed rules for bridal shower guest lists- beyond the general suggestion that one shouldn't invite people who haven't been invited to the wedding itself. So you can happily cast off the obstacle of tradition that seems to be cramping your, and your friend the bride's, style.

Your friend's situation, however, is delicate, and while she and her future mother-in-law have agreed to dislike each other, but in the interests of peace it would be wise not to throw a party that give the appearance of deliberately excluding the mother of the groom. Even if the groom's mother would rather have a colonoscopy than attend this shower, she will surely take offense if she learns that the entire bride's family has been invited and she alone has been excluded.

The best way to foster harmony is to throw a party that your friend's future mother-in-law wouldn't want to attend anyway. If there is any way you can have a shower with a guest list of "young" people, predominantly friends of the bride, you and your friend will have a lot less to worry about in terms of keeping the peace and not bringing potential discord into an uneasy peace.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:48 PM    <link>

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