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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Friday, April 28, 2006

ELOPING: WHEN TO TELL THE MATER

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are going to elope, mainly because my mother has emotional problems and has made the last four years extremely difficult for me. We are afraid that if we have a bigger wedding, she will insult me, and my future in-laws vocally and violently.

I do still love her and don't want to hurt her. I barely see or talk to her anymore. Would it be insensitive to tell her I got married over the phone? To tell her in person terrifies me, since she can be physically violent at times. And honestly, I just don't want to hear the load of crap she's going to sling at me when she hears I got married without her.

Thanks,

Eloping

Dear Eloping,

Your question is beyond the standard reach of traditional etiquette. In situations involving the threat of abuse (especially physical abuse) and madness, a different sort of protocol applies, which often dovetails nicely with standard rules of comportment, but occasionally veers away. You have suffered at your mother's hand so while you still feel affection and great obligation towards her, you must also take care of yourself and your fiance.

Consider speaking to your mother before you elope. You don't have to give her any hard details of your plans, but advise her as a courtesy that you are going to get married and you wanted to let her know of this happy event. If she starts to rant about a wedding, tell her you have decided not to have one and that this choice is what pleases you. She will almost certainly get upset, but you must be firm and keep repeating that this is what makes you happy and you hope she can share in your joy.

You suggest telling your mother after the fact, which is perhaps unwise. If your mother is at all sensitive, she will react badly to being kept out of the loop and surprised. I realize you feel strongly that you need to protect yourself, but consider this courtesy. If you don't give her any hard information that she can use (to, say, interrupt your wedding), then you have been caring and generous, while maintaining a firm distance and necessary privacy.

Leaving your mother out of your wedding is a big gesture. Many people would find it unimaginable, but your circumstances may demand it. So treat her gently and with respect, so that you don't have anything you can regret or question later.

As for how you tell her, you can use the telephone if you are concerned about your physical well-being. You could also stage a meeting at some neutral public space if you could count on her to control herself when she is out in the world. And here is another advantage of speaking to your mother before you elope. It is much easier to tell her on the phone about your plans than it is to call her up and drop a bombshell.

Congratulations and I’m sorry you find yourself in this position. Here's hoping your mother can suspend her tendencies long enough to respect you and share in your happiness.

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:21 AM    <link>

OUTSIDE THE LINES

Hi,

My husband and I will not be able to attend the wedding of a family member this June. The reply card only has the line for our names and then a choice of steak or fish. How are we supposed to let them know that we won't be able to make it?

~ No Regrets?

Dear NR,

Your relatives are true optimists, assuming everyone will come. While glass-half-full people are not nearly as abundant as they should be, this card doesn't help you.

Really, all you have to do is take pen in hand and write a short note of regret. A traditional formal regrets response looks like this:

Your Names
regret that they are unable to accept
Host's Names
Kind invitations for
Date

You could of course write a more elaborate and personal note in the first person if you prefer (this is family, after all).

Ideally you'd write this on your own card, even if you use the response envelope to mail it back. You could try to squeeze it onto the response card, but why not break out the stationery, which, in this era of email, probably doesn't get much use anyway?

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:20 AM    <link>

IS SHE RIGHT FOR OUR SON?

Dear Elise,

My son is engaged to a woman who sets off my alarm bells. She is in hr 20's, has been on her own since her early teens, and has been married twice before. Most of her immediate family has been or is jail for crimes ranging from rape and murder to larceny. My husband is so upset by the idea of this woman marrying into our family that he is thinking of hiring a private investigator- a move that I am dead set against. Are we right to be concerned about this woman or am I wrong to fear that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?

Worried

Dear Worried,

Are you asking whether hiring a PI to get the dirt on a child's fiancee squares with the basic tenets of etiquette? It doesn't.

But I am not sure if you are concerned so much with etiquette as you are with your family's wellbeing in a larger sense. There is no telling whether or not your son's fiancee is bad news. Her family may have done terrible things but as you point out, she has not lived with them for well over a decade. True, she has two failed marriages under her belt, but perhaps in your son she has finally found a mature, supportive relationship. Anything could be the case.

What is likely is that the more hostile you are to your son's fiancee, the further away you will drive him. So what could you possibly gain from doing an extensive, invasive invasion of this woman's privacy? It sounds as if you already know some of the most awful stuff. Gathering ammunition won't really help tear your son away from her. Are you really likely to discover all the sunny aspects of her life that were previously hidden from you? Consider whether any new information will actually help you or make things much worse.

Are your concerns legitimate? Everyone has a right to be worried about the character of the people their children marry, and this woman's life does seem chaotic enough that there is possibly additional call for concern. But what can you do about it? Support your son; protect him as best you can without tampering with his life or interfering. Make sure that if he needs you he can go to you. Alienating him can only work against you. If his relationship is wonderful, he will exclude you and if it is awful, he won't feel comfortable turning to you.

A safer route would be for you to find out what you can about your son's fiancee by spending some time with her. Good luck and I hope your fears will never be realized.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:19 PM    <link>

FRIENDS IN THREESOMES

Hi,

I have two sets of friends who are in triads. They live in threesomes.

I feel conflicted about how to invite them to my wedding. In one case, my friend became involved with a married couple (I've met the other woman many times but I've only met the husband once). In the other, a married couple with whom I am friends added a third partner (I did not like him the one time I met him). Both triads live in other states than I do.

I don't find their choices to be immoral, however, I don't relish trying to explain to my family why there are so many extra guests. Moreover, I don't think either group is emotionally healthy; and I really don't want to invite someone I dislike or barely know just because he or she sleeps with a friend of mine on a regular basis.

I would like my friends to bring significant others to the wedding, but most of them just have one and we're trying to keep the guest list short.

What's the etiquette in this situation?

Too Many Plus Ones

Dear Too Many,

The traditional line- which is always a good starting point, even in cases that seem to be anti-traditional- is that friends should be invited with their spouses or the partners with whom they are in committed relationships. Usually, living with someone constitutes a committed relationship. It really is bad news to exclude half of a married couple, even if one doesn't care for the person.

In the case of your friends, however, you have these communal romances to negotiate and what you decide to do depends on your mood and your knowledge of your friends. If you are feeling inclusive, but holding back primarily because of your family's reaction, consider that there are really only three extra guests (your female friend's married couple and your married friends' extra man). You could conceivably slip them under your family's noses.

But you don't necessarily have to. You can possibly fall back on the hard line of only inviting established couples. This would mean your single friend would have to come alone and your married friends would have to keep each other company. This scenario would work best for you if you are not encouraging your unattached friends to bring a "guest" and if the triads are new and have not been cohabitating for a very long time or if their relationships are otherwise vague.

To a certain extent, you'll do best if you clear your mind of distracting protests. It is very hard to have a wedding where at least a few faces are not ultra-familiar, and it is even harder to have a wedding where one is fond of everyone's significant other. I realize you don't want to be intolerant of your friends' choices, and you would not be wrong to invite everyone, but it is equally likely that they don't expect a mass invitation and aren't even particularly public about their relationships.

You know your friends and their sensitivities best, and this is a case where you will be best guided by instinct. Inviting everyone is the safest and most generous route to take (and the whole lot might not come anyway), but only you know the states of these relationships, how committed they are, how public they are, and how they would react to an invitation that is either inclusive or restrictive.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:06 PM    <link>

WHEN THE BOSS INVITES YOU

Dear Elise,

My boss's daughter is getting married and I've been invited to the wedding. I've only worked for him for about eight months, and never met his daughter or his wife. If I go to the wedding, I would know absolutely no one. I would be sitting alone and have to be introduced to everyone but the father of the bride. Also, as they are a very wealthy family, I have nothing suitable to wear and any appropriate gift would be completely out of my price range. I know I was probably only invited because it is proper etiquette, but am I obligated to attend?

Office Politics Woes

Dear OPW,

Don't sell the sentiment of this invitation short. Your boss is not, in any way, obliged to invite all of his employees to his daughter's wedding. While all of your hesitations are legitimate, don't forget that this is actually a happy, welcoming gesture.

You can also put two of your other concerns to rest. No one will be concerned with what you wear as long as you don't wear all white and otherwise wear something appropriate to the time of day and the general style of the event (unwise to wear jeans, probably). One enormous advantage of being a guest and not the bride or a member of the wedding party is that people don't really care much what you wear. Are any other people from your office invited? If they are you could take this opportunity to get to know some of your co-workers out of the office. As for the present, one is never ever required to give anything beyond one's means and a great cookbook will see more daily use than some bit of fancy cut glass.

This is not to say that you have to go. You can always say that you can't make it and send a nice card or even a small present. The key is to let your boss, and his family, know that you are pleased and flattered to be included, whether or not you decide to attend. Only you can gauge how important your presence at the wedding is, office politics-wise, but temper your worries with the knowledge that you will be welcome.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:31 AM    <link>

BACHELOR PARTY PARANOIA

Dear Elise,
My fiance and I have an agreement that we do not want strippers or exotic dancers or anything of that sort included in our bachelorette/bachelor parties. I know that my friends will adhere to this rule. However, his friends are not so trustworthy. How do we ensure that our agreement with each other is not compromised?

Worried

Dear Worried,

Since bachelor and bachelorette parties are designed to buck good taste, and the classic activities at these events are not spoken of in polite society, it isn't surprising that traditional etiquette has little to say about stag party protocol.

So while yours isn't so much a question of etiquette, you and your fiance can do a few things to ease your minds about these parties. First, it is a misunderstanding to think that your fiance will be at the mercy of his friends, a hostage to their plans. He can always leave any party that takes a turn he doesn't care for. Make sure he understands this, as I'm sure you do.

Your fiance should also talk to a few people. He should have a word with his bachelor party's host so that no one can claim not to have known what he wanted- or didn't want- from his stag night. If he is still unsure about these proceedings, he could enlist the help of another friend who will be attending the party so that he has some extra support if he decides he must take off.

Beyond that, you can always call off all bachelor and bacheloreette events, since they aren't necessary anyway. But if you do proceed, make sure that your friends know what you want and what you feel comfortable doing and not doing and enjoy yourselves.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:58 AM    <link>

SEATING & SAFETY

Elise,

We are getting married in a small public park. Everything should be lovely but I am imagining there may be a problem with the seating. The steep stone steps/seats are cut into a hillside with a small stone beach. The seating we have available is a stone semicircle of seats like a small amphitheater. My question has to do with seating etiquette. What is traditional seating, and how awful would it be if I did a variation to allow older and pregnant guests to sit in the front row? If I do this, who else would normally sit in the front couple of rows? Also, is the seating according to whether you're the bride or groom's guest/friend/family still stand as the thing to do or is that flexible?

Thanks so much,
Sitting Pretty

Dear Sitting,

No one would ever fault you for creating a seating plan that caters to the comfort and safety of your older or pregnant guests. If someone dared complain, you would be well within your rights to look at your critic as if he had lost his mind and say that you were more than happy to ignore seating hierarchies in the name of keeping everyone safe.

Now, the most formal church seating has the bride's family in the front rows on the right hand side of the altar, while the groom's family sits on the left. The bride's friends sit behind her family and the groom's friends sit behind his family. This of course makes no allowances for guests who might be friends of both the bride and groom (maybe they can sit in the middle).

You are, of course, free to construct any seating plan that suits you best, but don't worry that taking care of your guests is antithetical to some rule of etiquette.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:37 PM    <link>

SHOWER MADNESS

Dear Elise,
My sister-in-law is getting married in June and I am planning her shower (I'd like to give her the party as a present, and I'm the bridesmaid who lives closest).

The problems started when my mother-in-law decided that throwing the shower was her job. I won that skirmish, then the Bride started telling me things through her mother. She wants, for instance, to have useless toys as shower favors (I wasn't planning on giving favors at all). Next, she gave me her guest list. My husband and I were planning on holding this party in our home, which can hold 30 guests comfortably. She wants to invite more than 50 people, so I've been trying to find ways to make it manageable. We'll serve finger foods instead of plated dishes and cupcakes instead of sheet cake. My mother-in-law just informed me that the Bride would rather have a sheet cake decorated with the same silly toys that she is having us give as favors. I explained my reasons for wanting to stick with the cupcakes and indicated that if we were going to have things that required knives, forks, and laps or tables to eat, we could not have this party in our home. My mother-in-law said I was using the shower to assert my independence from the family and that it was not appropriate. Everything should cater to the Bride's requirements. This was supposed to be a small celebration for some of the people closest to the family to get to know the bride and groom better and celebrate their upcoming marriage and instead it's turned into a festering battle.

Am I completely in the wrong and rude for thinking that The Bride should sit back and let other people worry about and plan any showers?


Frustratedly Yours

Dear Frustratedly,

Showers do seem to bring out the worst in people, and you are unfortunately caught in the middle of a power struggle. All you wanted to do was throw a party for your sister-in-law, and all of a sudden your husband's family has jumped into your lap, pointing fingers and ordering you around.

Rolling all the complaints back to the beginning, it is traditional for someone outside of the bride's family to host the wedding shower. This ostensibly protects the bride's family from seeming craven and desperate for presents (which are, after all, required at showers). This "rule" has relaxed considerably, and you are certainly in a fine position to throw the party. Your mother-in-law could have hosted the shower if she really wanted to. Some people might have found her gesture a bit corrupt, but you signed up and that issue has been put to bed anyway.

Of course you want to give a party that your sister-in-law will enjoy, and you want to host something manageable. From now on, you will do best to cut out the middleman. Talk to the bride yourself and encourage her to speak to you directly. Let her know your space limitations and the way you have solved problems but keep a firm hand on what you can and can't handle. At bottom, the party should be a collaboration between you and the bride. You aren't just a free party space, so you will have to sweetly, but firmly point out when the plans threaten to exceed your abilities. Where things seem to be getting complicated for you is that your mother-in-law seems to be issuing orders, oblivious to the work you have done. From here on out, tell these women what you have done, apprise them of your limitations and give them a chance to make requests. They aren't treating you with much grace or tact, but you have successfully controlled your event until now. Be prepared to compromise, as you have on party size and on various taste issues (the favors), but the difference between cupcakes and a sheet cake is negligible. They should be able to give a little just as you have.

Try to keep your temper and make sure the lines of communication are open and calm.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:31 AM    <link>

ARRR! PIRATE DAYS!

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are having a pirate themed wedding. We decided to do this after thinking long and hard about how our more traditional relatives might react. I think my grandparents were looking forward to sharing a happy event with the rest of the family that was slightly more normal. Unfortunately, my fiance and I won't really be happy with a normal wedding.

In the end, we've decided that this theme represents who we are as a couple and the majority of our guests will be able to celebrate us. I'm genuinely excited about planning the wedding, and I never thought I would be.

I've already bowed to certain suggestions to keep things a little bit traditional (I'll be wearing some shade of white; having it at a place that some family members like a lot; we'll be married by a minister). Do you have any other suggestions to walk the line between pirate and not completely offensive? We want the decorations, costumes, music and entertainment to be very pirate influenced. We also want to include instructions on suggestions on dressing like a pirate or wench with the invitations (delivered in bottles), which will be encouraged, but not necessary to attend. We do want this to be over-the-top, a ton of fun and buccaneer-tastic, but we don't want to actually offend anyone.

Thank you,

Buccaneer Bride

Dear BB,

You're far from alone in being someone who never really thought much about her wedding and in being seized by a pirate theme. I mention this so that you realize that your plans are not unreasonable or unheard of.

Since I am unfamiliar with the details of your plans and the expectations of your families, it is impossible for me to give specific advice, but you have gotten off to a solid start. The key in plans both extreme and quotidian is to give a little on issues that aren't so important to you. So, you've decided to be married by a minister and wear white because it pleases your family. Is there anything else they feel strongly about that is not so important to you? This is the best way for you to demonstrate how much you respect them and care about them while sticking to the plan that you like, that pleases you.

Whatever you do, don't get defensive or embarrassed with these relatives. That's like jumping into a tank of sharks and with a fresh wound. If you are happy and accommodating up to a point, then they don't have much they can complain to you about. At a certain point, they'll have to shut up or risk coming off as insufferable sourpusses. Be jolly and make them come to terms with things sooner than later.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:46 PM    <link>

HIS WANTS VS. MY WANTS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have discovered we don't quite see eye to eye about our upcoming wedding. I would like a small, non-traditional affair with a fairly secular ceremony. I want to invite the family and friends that are most important in our lives and keep the event personal and fun.

My fiance has a specific idea about what a wedding is. He wants a ceremony in a church with a priest, because that's "what you are supposed to do." Now, I would understand this if he were religious, but he hasn't been to church in years. He also feels we should invite everyone who has ever invited us to their nuptials.

I don't mind if we invite a few extra people, but I consider myself agnostic, and I don't want a religious ceremony. How can I convince him to think about what HE wants for our special day, without making him think I just don't like his ideas?

Conundrum

Dear Conundrum,

You probably already know that your problem is not so much one of etiquette than it is of taste. This does not mean, however, that etiquette can't help you.

Weddings come in endless variety and you really can do what you want. There is nothing that "everyone" does and the only things you are "supposed" to do are secure a marriage license ahead of time, find a legal officiant and have some witnesses sign the form.

So, you and your fiance will have to compromise, and to do that with some measure of satisfaction, you should each figure out what is, for each of you, the most important element of the wedding. Perhaps your fiance feels that having a big guest list with everyone he feels he owes is crucial. Maybe you feel that having a religion-free ceremony is the only thing you deeply care about. Once you each know where the other stands you can begin to negotiate. From your letter, the easiest compromise would be to have a lot of people and a secular ceremony.

In deciding on which elements are truly of central importance, you will be able to approach each other with the ability to compromise. If you let each other hang on to the things that mean the most, you won't feel so compromised by giving in on other fronts.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:07 PM    <link>

MORE ON SHOWER & WEDDING INVITATIONS

Dear Elise:

A woman in my fiance's office wants to throw me a bridal shower. I've met her a few times and am flattered that she wants to do this. The problem is that she wants to invite a number of women I don't know well from her office, along with a bunch of my girlfriends. I'm already wrestling with trying to keep our wedding guest list down to a reasonable number and don't plan on inviting all these people to the wedding. Can you invite people to a bridal shower that you don't plan on inviting to the wedding? What about people that are pretty good friends of yours, but you still probably won't be able to include them on the wedding guest list?

Thanks for your help

Confused

Dear Confused,

As a general matter, it is unwise to have a wedding shower and invite people you won't be including on your guest list. It creates all kinds of discomfort and potential resentment to collect presents from people who don't rate (for whatever perfectly reasonable reasons) an invitation.

If you want to have a party and not call it a shower and skip all the present giving requirements, then you're on much more solid ground.

There is some wiggle room when it comes to office showers, since the event is really a celebration for a co-worker, but once the event is opened up to friends who will also be excluded from the wedding, you've put yourself in a difficult situation.

In your position, you would be best off having a general party (call it anything, an "engagement party" a "pre-wedding lunch"). You don't want to risk alienating people with whom your fiance has to work.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:13 AM    <link>

EXPLAINING ELOPING

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I planned on getting married in July. We had put down deposits on almost everything and just had some minor details to finish. My friends and family were all saving the date. Unfortunately, the wedding plans have torn our families apart. Our parents are not speaking, and my fiance and I have decided that we would rather elope. Our families agree that this is probably for the best.

What is the proper etiquette for letting our friends and family know that we are not having our wedding, but are eloping? Thank you for your advice.

Much Better This Way

Dear Much Better,

Three cheers for your elopement plans. You can't have come by your decision easily, but once made, you must be thrilled that the warring parties don't have you to boss around anymore- on this point at least.

In your case, you really must let people know that you are eloping, because your guests are already aware of your wedding plans and may be thinking of travel arrangements. The best approach to take is to be forthright and cast all sheepishness to the curb. Your "elopement announcement" can be a modified "postponement announcement." You can play with the language any way you like but a general approach could be:

Your Names
Regret to announce a change of plans.
There will be no big wedding in Maryland.

We will have a private wedding ceremony instead.
We know that you will be sharing our joy from afar.

That's the general message, how you phrase it is up to you, just know that you don't need to explain too much. A little mystery is perfectly fine in these matters.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:34 AM    <link>

HOW MUCH?

Hello,

Not being a big social butterfly, I have been invited to a wedding for the first time in 13 years! My question is this: What is the average monetary wedding gift if I attend alone or if I attend with my boyfriend? The wedding is that of a much younger co-worker and will be held at a function hall in Northeast. I would never want to insult this sweet girl with a below average gift, yet I am in no position to be extravagant.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Sincerely,

Uncertain

Dear Uncertain,

Plenty of weird rumors swirl around the question of how much to spend on wedding presents. Repeatedly and with much heat, I have done my best to dismiss the idea that one is ever responsible for having to refund the wedding couple in any way for one's meal. Wedding presents are the guest's gesture of pleasure that the bride and groom found each other, got married and are embarking on a new phase of life together.

Consequently, there are no hard and fast rules over what one should spend as a wedding guest. I know that some people might argue otherwise, but they would be wrong. You give according to your financial abilities and your emotional interest. That is all.

But you still could use a bit of a hint and here is where the registry really comes in handy. Find out where the wedding couple has registered for presents and take a look at what they've selected. That will give you an idea of the usually quite wide range of prices of things and you should be able to either find something that you like and can afford and are sure the wedding couple wants.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:06 PM    <link>

SO MANY NAMES SO MANY TITLES

Dear Elise,

How should I handle my family's names on the invitation, or should I give up and go with "Together with their families"? Etiquette books seem to only tackle one of these topics at a time, if at all.

-My fiance and I are the primary hosts, with a decent chunk of help from both our families, and I would like to acknowledge all of them by including them on the invitation if possible.
-My parents divorced and each remarried when I was very young. My stepparents are a big part of my life, and I wouldn't feel comfortable excluding them if I choose to name names on the invitation.
-My stepmother passed away 2 years ago. Is it weird to include "... and the late..."?
-My father is a PhD and enjoys having 'Dr.' precede his name whenever he can. My stepfather is a retired minister. If I use Dr. with my father, should I use Reverend for my stepfather (something he almost never does)? Does that require I use Mr. or Mrs. titles with everyone else? My mother hyphenates her name and would not be comfortable with 'Mrs. S'. Should she be 'Ms. H-S' in that case? I'd prefer to just use first and last names. Can I mix titles and no-titles?

My fiance's parents pose no special wording issues.

What would you suggest?

Ms. Bride-to-be

Dear Ms. B-t-B,

Because you've got a lot going on in terms of family and titles, you will have to wade through all of the traditional forms of address and then decide whether or not to include everything or whether it is all too much for you.

Keep in mind, above all things, that the printed invitations are not meant to be lists of credits, and the names listed are the names of the hosts and the wedding couple. It sounds as if including you and your fiance, your mother and stepfather, your father and your fiance's parents all as hosts might present an enormous amount of text, no matter what sorts of titles you use. So before trying to negotiate all of the names, I'll shoot through
your individual questions:

You do not want to make it seem as if a late relative is alive and hosting a wedding, so the traditional format you would use if you want to include your stepmother would be:

Bride's Name
daughter of Father's Name and the late Stepmother's Name (or you can be extremely accurate if a little clunky and say: "and stepdaughter of. . .")

It is not extremely traditional, but if your father always uses the "Dr." title then you can include it. If your stepfather would prefer not to use his title, you don't have to. He could certainly be a "Mr."

You do not have to use the titles (Mr./Mrs./Ms.) if you do not want to but as a general matter, people find symmetry aesthetically pleasing so it would probably look best in print if you used titles for everyone or no one. Nothing requires you to do so, except that it will look and feel strange to have a single title (Dr.) floating in a sea of relative informality.

If your mother goes by a hyphenated last name, that is the name you should use.

Now, if you want to include everyone on the invitation, the cleanest way to accommodate all of the relationships would be something like this:

The honor of your presence
is requested
at the marriage of

Bride's name
Daughter of
Bride's Mother's Name and Bride's Stepfather's Name
and
Bride's Father's Name and the late Bride's Stepmother's Name

and

Groom's Name
Son of
Groom's Parents' Names

Date
Time
Place

This makes all the relationships obvious, doesn't appear to resurrect your stepmother and will allow you to handle all eight names on the invitation.

Having said that, if brevity is your bag, you may just want to take the "together with their families" route. It is easy to understand and no one could be hurt by it.

Good luck. This is a mouthful indeed.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:03 PM    <link>

LIFE AFTER CITY HALL

Dear Elise,

My sister and I are supposed to be in my cousin's wedding in June and both of us will have to do a lot of traveling for it. My cousin just called to say they are going to a Justice of the Peace, but that the "real wedding" is still on. I am confused! Is she still allowed to have a shower and all those things that go on for a bride? We feel shafted! We still have to spend hundreds of dollars on dresses and the shower, take time off work, and travel to a wedding that already happened. I asked her why not just have a reception and she said she already had a dress and the church booked. How do we break the news that she looses out on everything else- or does she??

Thanks,

Still a Bridesmaid?

Dear Still,

Your cousin is doing something that seems strange but is actually not uncommon at all. Consider people who have destination weddings in places where it is difficult to obtain a legal wedding license (or a wedding license that would be legal in the country they intend to live). They will often have a legal, courthouse wedding before the big event. Other people have two weddings to accommodate two religions. Some pay a visit to City Hall so that they can qualify for insurance. The reasons range from the fascinating to the tedious.

So the short answer is: if this was a small formality, held without fanfare and merely an act of necessity, she is well within her rights to have her wedding as planned. If, on the other hand, she had a huge ceremony and presents and invitations and bridesmaids at her City Hall affair, then she would be foolish to stage an encore, but that doesn't sound as if that's what she's doing.

If all of your bridesmaid expenses and duties are overwhelming you, you should talk to your cousin about your budget and work issues, but she is still on solid ground, etiquette-wise, even if she is doing things in an unusual order.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:55 PM    <link>

MS. OR MRS.?

Dear Elise,

What is the etiquette for wording the outer envelope for a divorced woman when she has kept her married last name?

Ms. Jane Doe? Or is she still Mrs. Jane Doe?

Thanks ever so much,
Finalizing Things

Dear Finalizing,

Both of the forms of address you have listed are perfectly acceptable. It really depends on how traditional you (and Jane Doe) are feeling. Traditionally, divorcees use the "Mrs." form of address, but really, either construction works well, and your friend may prefer the independence implied with "Ms."

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:00 AM    <link>

GUEST OR VENDOR?

Dear Elise--

I'm getting married at a location about an hour from home. I'd love to get my hair stylist to fix my hair on the day of the wedding but I'll be staying at the ceremony location the night before the wedding.

My hair stylist and I have talked about the coming wedding in general terms. She has said things like "oh, and I'll have to do your hair" to which I said of course. But I think she expects an invitation. We're friendly but she is not a friend and we're having a small wedding with family and close friends.

I want her to do my hair, but I'm afraid that keeping things purely business, might offend her, especially if she is then not invited to the wedding. Money is not my issue. I'm happy to pay her or someone else for this service. I'm just not sure how to balance this with the current intimate nature of the wedding we're having. What do you think?

Thanks for your help,

Friendly but not friends

Dear FBNF,

The answer largely depends on how you set the tone for things.

It really seems as if your hairdresser is a vendor, and you would be asking her to perform a service for you before your wedding. Unless you indicate that you want her to be a guest, you should approach her as you would anyone else whose professional services you are hiring. Let her know that you would like her to do your hair, figure out when she would have to show up at your location, and factor in her traveling expenses and time when you set her rate. You should also arrange for a meal for her since she will no doubt be working through a meal. This is what you would do for band members, photographers and other wedding vendors. You are at something of an advantage since your hairdresser's services will be required significantly before the wedding. By the time you are actually getting down to business, she will probably be in her car, well on the way home.

In any event, the best approach will be to talk to her as a professional and figure out how she will need to be compensated for her services and time. Once you have set a professional tone, she will probably understand that you do not expect her to be a guest. If she does press for an invitation, you then have a decision to make. You can say that you're having a very intimate wedding or you can make an exception. Either of those choices is fine, but only you know how to take the temperature of your and your hairdresser's situations.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:02 PM    <link>

PARENT PRESENTS AND HONESTY

Dear Elise,

My wedding is coming up and I have been thinking about parent gifts a lot lately. At the one rehearsal dinner I attended, the bride and groom gave presents to the whole wedding party and both sets of parents. Is this a typical and expected rehearsal dinner ritual?

The reason I ask is that my parents have been extremely generous and helpful in planning this wedding, both financially and emotionally. My fiance's parents have been the opposite. It is important to me to do something really nice for my parents in return for their assistance in making this wedding happen, but I am much less inclined to do so for my fiance's parents. I plan to get them both something, but I am worried about having to present two disparate gifts in front of people at the rehearsal dinner.

Is it wrong to not treat both sets of parents equally and should I present the gifts at the rehearsal dinner? What do you suggest?

Grateful and Torn

Dear G&T,

Weddings contain plenty of traditions, none of which is necessary for happy and fulfilling nuptials. For the record, there are many opportunities for the wedding party and family members to receive presents, and it is certainly not necessary to give these gifts in front of an audience. Weddings do not have to be awards ceremonies.

So before you get too attached to the idea that you have to give presents at your rehearsal dinner, ask yourself if you really want to make grand public gestures or if you would be better off giving your presents under more discreet circumstances.

Unless you feel comfortable giving both sets of parents presents in the same spirit, you are risking hurting and humiliating your future in-laws. In spite of your negative feelings towards them, do you really want to be on record for doing something in front of an audience that will surely alienate them? Gestures of that sort will only make you look vindictive.

This is not to say that you have to give your parents and future in-laws the same presents or presents at all. If you can choose private moments either before or after the wedding, you can be as lavish as you like with your parents and your fiance's folks never have to feel slighted. You can always give a general "thank you" toast at the rehearsal or post-wedding reception. Do yourself a favor, though, and don't stir the pot. With families it is always wise to avoid trouble. It may come looking for you anyway, but there's no need to welcome it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:28 AM    <link>

HOW TO REPLY, PART 2

Dear Elise,

I saw your answer to the question today about how to properly fill in a response card. This is an even more basic variation on the same theme. I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to write in on the blank line next to "M___________." Am I supposed to write in my title, as in "Ms. Susie Smith"? And what if I need to write in 2 people's names, is it "Ms. Susie Smith and Mr. John Jacobs"? What does the "M" really mean?

Thank you,

M_____

Dear M______

That is indeed the prompt the "M" is giving you. It is a bit silly, and keep in mind that RSVP cards in and of themselves are not "traditional" - classical etiquette would have guests respond with hand written notes - so the prompt is to get people to fill out their full names. (This also allows women to indicate whether they are Mrs., Miss., or Ms.)

Two names offer a couple of variations:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe
Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Doe
Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith

So consider the "M" a little tiny discount your hand gets, so that you are spared one letter as you fill in the rest of the blank.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:32 PM    <link>

HOW TO REPLY

Dear Elise,

I have to fill out a reply card to a 25th wedding party and it is just like a wedding reply. What is the proper way to fill in the information required? It has the standard M_______________, then under that is

_____________accept with pleasure

_____________decline with regret

What is the proper way to fill out the bottom information?

Thank you,

Ready to Reply

Dear RR,

I presume you mean this is a 25th wedding anniversary party. I can imagine someone getting married for the 25th time would still be inclined to celebrate but might be too exhausted for anything particularly formal.

No matter what sort of party it is, you should fill out the card with your name or names in the space indicated, and then in the blanks below indicate whether or not you and/or your partner will be attending as well. If there were two of you attending, for instance, you would put a "2" in the blank beside "accept with pleasure." If you can attend but your partner can not, then you would want to elaborate and write in your name beside "accept with pleasure" and your partner's name in the blank beside "decline with regret," since it is better to be redundant than confusing to your hosts who, after all, only want to know which of you will be at their party.

Have a blast,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:56 AM    <link>

TOO BLUNT?

Dear Elise,

My fiance has two sisters. Ever since we got engaged, his mother hounded to have "girls'" days every other Saturday where we would have lunch and go shopping.

For the past two months, she has bombarded me with emails, called me at work at home, and on my cell about this. I put her off nicely until yesterday when. I told her that I prefer to do "girly" stuff with my mother, sisters and best friends, not her. I think it is better to be honest than go along my fiance's mother sense how miserable I am. She has two daughters she can shop with. She isn't alone. My cousin says I am too brutally honest, but I think it better to lay all the cards on the table.

The Best Policy?

Dear Best Policy,

There is nothing particularly wrong with being honest, though you do need always to consider the implications of your words. If you really told your fiance's mother that you have your own friends and family, thank you very much, and that you don't want to hang out with her, then you were unnecessarily blunt and certainly hurt her feelings. On the other hand, if you dissembled a little and said that you have a lot of obligations but that you'd love to go shopping with her, but you can't commit to a schedule, then you've managed to beg off without being insulting.

This woman is your fiance's mother. After you are married, you and she will be part of the same extended family. You will be sharing holidays, meals, phone calls, emails, weekends and to a lesser extent, your fiance with her. If you reject her completely, after she has made such friendly (if perhaps overbearing) overtures to you, she could, through anger or discomfort, make all future encounters with her family unpleasant and awkward. Do you want that?

Your cousin is right. There is no reason to lay your cards on the table unless you want to ruin your relationship with your future mother-in-law. At this point, you may want to take some steps towards damage control. Speak to your fiance about what the best approach would be, but it wouldn't hurt to apologize for being harsh and say that you were just overwhelmed. Then, if you can see your way clear, ask if you could have lunch or coffee with her sometime. A small gesture like this one may spare you all sorts of future sadness.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:09 PM    <link>

IS IT IN THE MAIL?

Dear Elise,

We got married recently, and are completing our last thank you cards for all the lovely gifts. We belong to a group of about 10-15 friends that buys a large (and often amusing) collective wedding gift. For instance, we all attended a reception held a year after one couple eloped, and we all chipped in and bought them 40lbs of paper for their paper anniversary.

My question is this: we didn't receive anything from this group at all, and while I'm simply happy they came and shared our day with us, I have this nagging feeling that maybe a gift got lost. I don't want to appear to be ungrateful, however I don't want to guilt anyone about a present not given. What is the best way to inform them of this?

Please help,
Happily Presentless

Dear HP,

Perhaps by the time you read these words, your question will have resolved itself in some amusing and welcome way that doesn't require prompting.

The only way to ask about whether or not a present is in the offing is to approach the matter indirectly. You can call or email your friends and let them know how happy you were that they came to the wedding and engage them in the usual party post-mortems that for many are as entertaining as any event itself. There is a good chance that your conversation will prompt your friends to ask if their present arrived. Beyond that, you're stuck, I'm afraid.

Happily, in your situation, you're in luck since you have a large crowd to talk to and surely one of them will let you know what's going on, or at least ask you if something arrived.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:15 PM    <link>

AISLE ISSUES

Hi Elise –

My partner and I are getting married in a fairly non-traditional wedding. I have always known that if I ever did get married that I would walk down the aisle alone. There won't even be a true "aisle" at our wedding (it will be outside beside a fire).

I truly believe that I am entering into this marriage as a whole person, and do not need anyone to accompany me or "give me away." When I told my father what I was doing, he became very upset and began crying.

Is there any solution to this? I really don't want anyone walking with me, but I don't want to break my father's heart? I've thought about perhaps getting both of my parents and both of my partner's parents to lead us out rather than walking with us. Any suggestions?

Feeling Like the Bad Daughter

Dear Feeling,

Parents don't always want their children to have the weddings they did. It isn't because they're disappointed with their own choices, necessarily. They simply realize that their feelings about their children have changed the way they feel about ceremonies. It's crazy, but that's the way it is with parents.

Now. It is really very limiting to only think in terms of having one's father escort one down the aisle (or to the fire, in your case). Jewish ceremonies often have both sets of parents escorting their children to the altar, and plenty of people don't get given away at all. You can make any plan you like and negotiate any ceremony you choose that keeps all the parents' eyes dry is a good way to go.

You and your fiance could have your parents walk ahead of you to your altar; you could have them all stand up for you beside the altar or you could walk out alone and have them involved in the ceremony some other way.

I'm sorry you had to discover the hard way that your plan was upsetting to your father, but certainly the fact that you learned how much he cares for you and wants to be part of your wedding can only be a good thing.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:56 AM    <link>

AUNT WANTS TO UPSTAGE

Elise,

My aunt seems to be trying to upstage my wedding.

She scheduled my cousin's fiancee's bridal shower for the day before my wedding, even though our rehearsal is at almost the same time. (She wanted to "take advantage of everyone being in town.")

I sent out hotel and out-of-town information, and the very next day my aunt mailed an announcement about the bridal shower so that no one would forget to include it in their out-of-town plans. Whoever heard of a save-the-date invitation for a bridal shower? I know my aunt is going to mail her shower invites as soon as she gets my invitation.

My wedding is in May, my cousin's in September. Am I wrong to think that my aunt is trying to muscle in on my bridal spotlight? Isn't it wrong of her to try to hook her own family's events onto my coattails or train, as it were?

Sign me,
I'm the Bride

Dear You’re the Bride,

It is impossible to read you aunt's mind. Maybe she really can't think beyond herself and really does feel that the best way to schedule her family's shower is to have it piggyback with your plans because people will be in town already, or she wants to steal some of the thunder from your family's celebrations. It really doesn't matter.

Clearly you can't tell your aunt that she is not allowed to throw a party during your wedding weekend, though it is admittedly an eccentric gesture at best. All you can do is ignore her plans. You will be too busy to go to the shower. Many of your rehearsal dinner guests will also, no doubt, be booked up and unable to go to her party. Let her learn the hard way that people who come to town for a wedding are obliged to take care of the wedding activities first, above any other events that might be scheduled at the same time.

Smile sweetly and say nothing. If she presses you on attending the shower tell her the truth: you don't have time because you have a rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and wedding to deal with. If she's trying to stir the pot, foil her efforts. Don't react, go about your business and be glad that there's a party you can cross off your list.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:27 AM    <link>

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