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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

AN OPEN SECRET IS AN OXYMORON

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I are getting "officially" engaged soon (when, exactly, will be a surprise for me), though we've known we would be getting married for a long time. Since we'll be finishing up school during the year before our wedding date, we decided to get most of the dreaming and planning done during the summer.

Our parents don't know about our plans yet and my fiance thinks we should do the whole official ring deal, and tell both sets of parents within the same day or two. He wants to tell his parents, who live in another state, face-to-face, which means waiting for two months. All of this is perfectly reasonable and logical, and I completely agree...except I'm burning to tell my mother the news and ask her advice. 

 My mother and I are close, and I just feel sad and guilty every time I see her, knowing that I'm keeping something so important from her. Would it be incredibly wrong of me to tell my mother, but keep it a secret from my father and his parents so that it will be a surprise for them?

Thanks,

Bursting With News

Dear Bursting,

This isn't really an issue of etiquette since there are plenty of ways to let parents know that you've gotten engaged. Some people ask for their future in-law's blessing in the whole affair, others just put in a few calls and enjoy the cheering from afar. It is really your decision. Unless you know that it will actively hurt someone's feelings to pick up the phone, you aren't breaking any strict rules of etiquette.

It sounds, though, as if you're working yourself into a complicated position. How will your mother feel if you tell her some enormous piece of news that she, in turn, must keep secret from her husband and friends and then have to feign total surprise when you and your fiance finally make your big announcement in a few weeks? Is it fair to burden her with this and could she handle it? Parents are notoriously good at blabbing.

If the secret is just killing you, perhaps you should really have a word with your fiance (or fiance-to-be), tell him how you feel and how important it is to you to tell your mother. Maybe he'll be willing to put the whole announcement-in-person aside or figure out some other kind of ceremony.

You aren't being unreasonable in wanting to talk about your engagement, but with big news and bad, there is no way it won't make the rounds, so if you do tell your mother, you are either putting a lot of pressure on her, or are guaranteeing that there will be no secret at all.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:53 PM    <link>

FATHERS & LANGUAGE

Elise,

My parents are divorced and both remarried. I am having my dad walk me down the aisle. I was looking over the notes for the ceremony (our officiant is a good friend of ours, so we are writing our ceremony from scratch) and got stuck at the part where the father "gives away" the bride.

I don't like the language of: "Who gives this woman to be married to this man," and said so to my dad. Now my father is hurt and upset (he doesn't feel like he's had much of a part in the wedding). Now we need to figure out a way to do it that I like and he likes. Any ideas?

Thanks,

Not Chattel

Dear NC,

It is interesting how people cling to tiny bits of language. One wonders what about the traditional "Who gives this woman away" question makes your father feel like an active participant where actually escorting you down the aisle doesn't.

As you know, you can write any language you like into your ceremony, so consider what you want from that moment where you arrive at the altar with your father. Do you want your father to welcome your fiance into the family? You could have your officiant ask him a question on that theme. Does your father want to "give his blessing" (and do you mind)? There are lots of possibilities for alternative ways your father can participate vocally, in addition to with his feet. It's just a matter of coming up with one that isn't offensive to you.

So see what you come up with. Since the "giving away" moment is not a required element in the wedding ceremony, you can easily substitute something more palatable and meaningful.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:35 AM    <link>

TIP TIP TIPPING

Dear Elise,

I've just never understood tipping. With the wedding approaching and several vendors involved, I can't figure out which ones should be tipped and which to only tip for beyond-expectations service. What is the proper etiquette on which vendors should be tipped? Additionally, it is proper and/or acceptable to tip vendors after the event? Thank you for the help.

Just Wondering

Dear JW,

Tipping practices are complicated, so you're right to find it confusing. Many hold that it is not necessary to provide gratuities for people who own their own businesses and work on their own. Waiters, bartenders, the band, on the other hand, are all examples of vendors who can reasonably expect a tip. Tipping has become not simply a gesture of appreciation, but expected, so unless someone has been absolutely horrible (which one hopes will not be the case for you) it is good to offer a gratuity of some sort.

For quick reference, there are various resources such as the book Weddings for Dummies, which provides a very general index, but understand that amounts vary according to where you are. If you are uncertain, ask around, because these matters are quite thorny. Officiants are particularly complicated in the gratuity department: judges are often taken aback at the suggestion that they would require a cash tip, ministers sometimes prefer donations to their houses of worship, and the best bet is to operate on a case-by-case basis. (Beyond using recently published magazines or books as reference, you should also talk to your wedding planner, if you are using one.)

Regardless, you should tip everyone at the time of service. If you are not in a position to hand out envelopes, see if you can recruit someone: a wedding planner, a good friend, a relative, to help you. (Keep in mind that you can distribute gratuities through the heads of departments- give the your caterer the tips for the entire waitstaff at once, for instance. You don't necessarily need to hand out every individual envelope.) Don't let the afternoon or evening slip away without distributing gratuities. It won't take long and you'll feel much more comfortable for having done that since once you've kicked off your dancing shoes, the less you have to deal with the business of the wedding, the better.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:20 PM    <link>

NO NEED TO WAIT

Dear Elise

We have registered with an on-line bridal registry and have already started to receive some gifts but our actual wedding isn't for another 8 weeks. My fiance and I disagree about when we should open them. He's a real party pooper traditionalist and says we have to wait until after we're married. I think we should open them straight away because I'm impatient and LOVE to open presents. On a practical side, if we open we will also discover any breakages and be able to return them within the 30-day return policy.

What would be the right thing to do here?

Cheers

Eager

Dear Eager,

How good does it feel to be right? I ask because you are correct in this instance. Really, the policy regarding presents is that one should open them and write and send thank you notes as soon as possible.

Doing this will allow for you to write timely thank you missives while not being overwhelmed by the volume of letters you have to write. Your guests will also be puzzled by your silence and wonder if their gifts even reached you if you hold off on opening them. Unless there is an express "Do Not Open Until Your Wedding Day" note on a box, open it and respond.

Your fiance's restraint is not an example of tradition, which really does hold that one must be prompt with thank you turnaround. Perhaps he is anxious about doing something that violates standard procedure. Reassure him. The only thing that you could do wrong is sit on those mystery boxes for two months.

Somewhere out there someone is surely murmuring about the wisdom of opening presents early if a wedding gets called off. This won't happen to you, but the procedure would be to return all presents, but they still should have been acknowledged when they came in.

So embrace your impatience, open your packages, check for damage and write those notes. You'll ease your curiosity and your future workload while being perfectly proper.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:27 AM    <link>

SHOWER TANGLE

Dear Elise,

Thanks to some wonderful friends and family, there are two showers being thrown for our wedding. My sister-in-law is hosting one, and the other will be hosted by a good friend from work. Another co-worker just let me know that she will be co-hosting the second shower with my friend. My problem is that she is not invited to my small wedding. This was not a snub; we just are not close. I know there is the cardinal rule about only inviting people to your shower who are invited to your wedding. But this seems out of that realm entirely. Do I now need to invite her to the wedding? I'm really trying to keep it intimate, but I'm at a loss here.

Suddenly Showered

Dear Suddenly,

Well, this is tricky. Certainly it is understood that- with certain exceptions- one should always invite all of one's shower hosts and guests to one's wedding. (The reasons for this have come up here many times, but since this is a party that requires presents, which the shower itself also is, it is a little harsh to find people worthy of giving shower gifts and not worth of attending the wedding.)

The notable exception to this standard protocol is with wedding showers given at the workplace. These are exempt perhaps because they can be seen as work niceties, just as office birthday parties are friendly, non-intimate celebrations.

So with your second shower, you are having a collision of work shower and private shower protocols. Is your second shower being thrown at the office? If so, you can probably feel comfortable leaving the second host off your guest list. On the other hand, if your second shower is a more elaborate or more personal affair, you may want to consider inviting the co-host, if only to preserve tranquility in your workplace. Talk to your friend who is the original host of your shower and see how this co-hosting came about and figure out exactly what the plan is. That should help you decide what is the right thing to do.

Ultimately, if the new co-host really is going out of her way for you and the shower is intimate and happening during weekend or non-work hours, then try to consider inviting her to your wedding. You may find that your gesture would be more rewarding than you think it might. If you find you can't invite her, then you should be sure to show her how grateful you are that she helped with this party (the work is not inconsiderable). Think about getting her a present and writing her a warm note of appreciation.

You're on complicated, if not exactly thin, ice, so really think about everyone's feelings before you act. If you are in a position to be inclusive, that is the safest route to take, but if you can't invite her, let her know that your wedding is really tiny and you can't invite everyone and show her how grateful you are.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:18 PM    <link>

WHEN GUESTS ARE TOURISTS

Dear Elise,

We are having our wedding in my hometown. My fiance's family is all from another country, so my family suggested having the rehearsal dinner at a local tourist attraction. We are paying for the wedding ourselves, and are willing to pay the entrance fee to the location for the wedding party, which is approximately 12 people. We have also said that extended family and out-of-town guests are welcome to join us. Is it acceptable to ask them to pay their entrance fee themselves since this a fully optional event on their part?

Thank you,
Travel Guide Bride

Dear Travel Guide Bride,

I am not quite sure I understand what you are planning. As a general matter, if you invite people to a structured event like a rehearsal dinner, you should pay for them. In this case you would be obliged to pay for your guests' entrance to the dinner party (if that is what you are having) and, of course, the meal.

On the other hand, if you are doing something very casual- a drop-in, unstructured affair- you are not as responsible to pay for everything, particularly if you have left your plans very open. Your obligation in this case really depends on how you invite people, what your invitation leads people to expect, and what sort of gathering it is.

If you are really juggling finances and do want to invite a lot of people, consider having something like a cocktail party instead of dinner. You could save money on food and seating and use that cash to pay for more people's entrance to the tourist site. (I'm sure you've also thought of this, but you could also look into getting a reduced group rate for admissions to this tourist attraction. The savings could be significant.)

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:09 AM    <link>

WHEN IS AN ELOPEMENT LIKE A WEDDING?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are stuck in a horrible place. We have four sets of parents, all of whom live in Indiana, as does most of our family. We live in Arizona. We wanted to have a nice wedding that included all of our family, but his mother has made it perfectly clear that she does not like me, will never like me, and that her word is law with that side of the family.

There is no way to have a wedding that excludes 1/4 of the family without putting my fiance and me in a bad position. We decided not to invite anyone. It will just be the two of us, an officiant and a photographer, and then we'll go on a honeymoon for a week.

Afterwards, we plan to go to Indiana and have a large reception at a hotel for our family and friends. Our parents have already asked us if we are registering anywhere. Should we register? Should we send out something showing where we have registered in with the card announcing our wedding and inviting people to the reception? I need to send out invitations to the reception at least 6 months in advance to get everything planned. Please advise, thanks!!!

Heaven help us!

Dear Heaven,

This is the season of early invitation questions. It is one thing to send out a save the date card, but actually requiring RSVPs six months before the fact is just asking for trouble. Traditionally, the lead-time for invitations is around six weeks, though if you are nervous you could open up that window to about eight weeks. If you're worried about your caterer, ask him or her how long in advance he or she needs a final head count and then add a week. That should be your RSVP-by date and it generally isn't more than three weeks before the wedding. Any information you gather so many months in advance is guaranteed to change and you'll wind up full of angst and anger for having to call everyone.

Now, for your registry questions. You can absolutely register for your wedding, but it is really bad form to issue invitations with registry details. It just looks too mercenary- as if you are actively requesting presents in exchange for the invitation. Tell key people about your registry information, answer your guests if they ask you directly, and let the word of your registry interests spread by mouth, not through your invitation.

You aren't doing anything wild and crazy, so you can happily relax on that front. Even though you will be eloping, treat this party as you would a regular wedding reception and you won't have a thing to worry about.

I am sorry about your future-in-law struggles, but don't let them shake you.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:31 AM    <link>

KIDLESS WEDDINGS
DOUBLE HEADER

Dear Elise,

How do you properly state on the wedding invitations that children under the age 12 are not allowed at the wedding ceremony? I do not want any children under that age of 12 at the ceremony. I do not care if they are at the reception.

Quiet Ceremony

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are having a small garden wedding and reception in a few months, and we'd really prefer to keep this an adults-only gathering. Now, I've read all the etiquette guides that say that it's rude to say on the wedding invite that the wedding is for adults only. But what if someone directly asks us if they can invite their children? Is it okay to be honest and say that we'd really prefer to not have children there? Or do we have to be squirrelly about it and say something like: yes, but there probably won't be other children there, there will be alcohol, and no, we are not making any arrangements for keeping your kids occupied. What's the best way to respond to a direct question like this?

Thank you!
Kid-Free Wedding

Dear Quiet and Kid-Free,

Invitations to all events, but especially weddings, are issued with an accepted "code," which is that the host puts only the names of the people he or she intends to invite on the envelope. If you don't want to invite kids, do not include their names or any allusion to them (that is, don't address anything to: The Whiteside Family or Mr. and Mrs. Norville and Family).

Quiet, if you are really only concerned with your ceremony and want to actively invite young children to your reception, you have a tangle on your hands. If you are inviting the 12-and-ups, be sure to write their names on the invitations (you may run into some difficulty with younger siblings who don't meet the age limit). Ideally, you would also include an insert in the invitation saying that you will provide on-site child-care for the under 12 set during the ceremony. This would indicate that there is someplace to put the kids during the ceremony and that they are welcome at the reception. (You would also have to see about securing this child-care of which I speak, which is an additional complication.) Alternatively, you could not invite any children, but you can see how this half-and-half scenario raises logistical problems.

As for your question, Kid-Free, one never has to excuse or explain one's decision not to invite children. If you say that you are serving booze, some parents will happily say that their kids go to parties where liquor flows freely all the time and tell you not to worry. If you hedge and act uncomfortable, people will get offended. Simply say you can't accommodate children at your wedding and reception. As always, you can help communicate this point by having an evening wedding, since a lot of people with young children would be reluctant to keep them out at all hours anyway, and might understand that a night-time wedding is usually an adult affair.

In general, with this sort of issue, it is best to draw firm, broad lines that no one can innocently mistake or willfully misunderstand.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:51 AM    <link>

COVERING DESTINATION EVENTS

Hello,

I would love to know the proper way to invite 20 people (special friends and family) to a Friday evening out-of-town wedding.

The wedding will be out of town for everyone (bride and groom included). Are the bride and groom obliged to pay for the evening before and/after the wedding?

Should some itinerary be planned for the guests the entire weekend, since it is out-of-town?

Please advise.

Thank you.

Making Plans

Dear MP,

What you have on your hands is a destination wedding, and there are many ways to approach this kind of event. Unless you are planning a structured weekend, with lots of invited events (rehearsal dinner, morning-after brunch- that sort of thing), you are only responsible for paying for the wedding and reception. You should pay for the events to which you invite everyone.

As a courtesy, you can give your guests a list of things they can do while they're in the area. If they decide to make a weekend of it, they can enjoy the local attractions, or they can just turn around and head home. That leaves questions of plans and entertainment up to your guests and you will have been entirely gracious.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:07 AM    <link>

CASH GIFT QUANTITIES

Dear Elise,

My husband's boss is throwing an engagement party for his newphew, who also works at the company.

We are going to the party but I have no idea how much our cash gift should be. I always heard that for a wedding the cash gift should at least cover the meal and give the bride and groom something over the top.

The engagement party is this summer. The wedding is next summer and I believe there will be 400 guests. They both come from Italian families and my husband (also Italian) and I don't agree on the amount.

Wondering

Dear Wondering

I warn you, I'm about to be a big disappointment. I don't make any financial recommendations. The variables that go in to giving money are so extensive that I wouldn't know where to begin. Consider how much one must take into account: one's finances, one's feelings about the wedding couple, one's cultural and regional traditions, one's relationship to the wedding couple. . . the list goes on.

The only element I would omit from that list, however, is something you named. There is never any need for guests to bother themselves with thinking about reimbursing the wedding couple for the cost of their food. Where does this idea come from? It's insane. How would you go about even figuring out how much the bride and groom (or their parents) spent on you? Are you including the price of the venue and china rentals in this assessment? Put it out of your mind. This kind of reasoning is not only not helpful, it breeds a kind of pettiness that has no place at all in wedding settings.

Talk to your husband. He may have a strong sense of how much he wants to give. If this is more than you want to spend, perhaps you can bargain him down a bit. There are no absolutes. If you need more of a guideline, see if the couple is registered anywhere. A glance at their registry should give you a sense of the kinds of things they like and how much they cost.

I'm sorry I can't give you concrete advice, but this is actually for the best. No one's gift giving should have to conform to some abstract commandments.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:39 AM    <link>

THE UNINVITED

Dear Elise

My fiancee and I are planning a very small wedding, 10 people or fewer, if we can.

We only want our closest friends around us and our guest list does NOT include a friend of mine whose interests run primarily toward drinking and snogging strange men. The problem is, I think if I don't invite her, a mutual friend will try to create a situation in which she comes, either by inviting her himself, or making sure she's in on all the plans so she can "surprise" us by coming.

This is not a group affair! Our parents aren't even invited, for crying out loud.

How can I make it clear to our mutual friend that I'm just inviting him and his girlfriend, not this other friend, without posing it in a way that sends him tattling to her?

- Between a rock and a hard place

Dear Between,

Does this friend- the person you actually want to invite to your wedding- really strike you as the kind of person who would just start inviting people to crash your wedding? If he has a track record of this kind of stunt, there's no reason not to be proactive.

Tell him that your guest list is extremely restricted, that your own families aren't being invited and this is a very hard thing for you to do. Let him know that you can't include anyone else because doing so would trigger all sorts of anger and jealousy in relatives and friends all of whom will feel snubbed and left out if the guest list is expanded even a little bit. Lay it on thick. You can say that you are asking all of your guests to be discreet about your plans and emphasize how important it is to you that the guest list not be mucked with or added to by anyone for any reason.

This is a strange question because the host/guest understanding generally is that, unless the host has specifically indicated that guests are welcome to invite extra friends, only the people whose names appear on the invitation envelope are welcome. If you suspect your friend doesn't understand this, you can gently but firmly tip him off.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:51 AM    <link>

TELEPHONE TRAVAILS

Hi there.

My Maid of Honor is planning my bridal shower. Unfortunately, none of my or my fiance's relatives lives in our city. This is making shower planning difficult. Most of them have email, but there are a few that don't. Needless to say, there's a few long distance calls to be made. What my question is, who pays for the calls? My Maid of Honor and I both use our cell phones, and long distance calls are a little costly. She's asking me to foot the bill. I can't really afford to be doing that, but is this something that I should be paying for?

Thanks.

Curious About Call Costs

Dear Curious,

Etiquette aside, the easiest solution to your particular problem would be to have all of the people who need to be in on the party planning secure email addresses for themselves. You can't perform a simple search online without stumbling over an invitation for a free email address. Even if these people do not have personal computers at home, they can swing by a library or Internet cafe once in a while and log on. You could even set up a regular schedule of having everyone check email once a week. (Alternatively, you could arrange only to call when you have the most free minutes and keep your conversations brief.)

But the larger issue of incidental costs is an interesting one. Ordinarily, the wedding party is expected to assume the bulk of costs for the bridal shower, clothing and accessories and transportation to and from the wedding (if travel is involved), so technically, these party-planning phone calls are the responsibility of the bridal party.

That said, it is never anyone's responsibility to go into debt for someone else's wedding and your Maid of Honor was right to speak to you about her predicament. It would be gracious of you to offer to reimburse her for some of these expenses, within your means.

This is one of those wedding issues where policy and tradition needs to step aside in the name of practicality and financial ability. This is your Maid of Honor, surely a close friend or relative. You and she can certainly compromise on this. And in the meantime, tell everyone to set up free email accounts and use them to keep everyone in the loop.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:39 AM    <link>

LETTING PEOPLE KNOW

Dear Elise,

We are having a very small family-only wedding. Is it proper to send out announcements telling friends and associates that we have tied the knot? If so, what wording do you suggest since we don't want them getting the idea that we want gifts.

Thanks,

How to Say It?

Dear How to Say,

It is entirely appropriate to send out wedding announcement, though this practice is less common than it used to be. Don't worry about the question of presents. Merely letting people know that you got married is not the same thing as a request for gifts. Make no mention of them.

The standard language for announcements looks very much like that of invitations. Traditionally the Bride's parents did the announcing, but you can include the groom's parents' names or only yours on the card.

It could look like this:

Bride's Parents' Names
Announce the marriage of
Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
Date
Place

If you want to include all parents:

Bride's Parents' Names
and
Groom's Parents' Names
Announce the marriage of . . .

If you just want your names:

Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
Announce their marriage. . .

You can always shift the language around to suit your fancies, but that is really all you need to say. Wedding announcements are ideally sent out immediately (or as soon as possible) after the wedding.

Again, don't worry about presents. Anyone who thinks you're being grabby has an infinitely worse sense of etiquette than you do and you can gently correct them by saying: "I'm so sorry you thought that. I just wanted to let you know about this happy thing I did."

And that should shut up any sourpuss.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:29 PM    <link>

WHAT TO DO? ELOPE?

Elise,

I got engaged in February, and although I’m extremely happy to be marrying a wonderful man, this wedding planning business has reduced me to absolute indecisiveness.

We are currently planning to have the wedding in my home state, but we are completely unable to afford the kind of wedding you read about in magazines (the kind that costs about $20k). So we have decided to save as much money as we can and have the wedding in two years

We originally set the date for June 2008 and my fiance is currently working at a part time job so that we can save money for the wedding. But this whole experience if stressful. Two years feels too long to wait, and planning the wedding is making me really anxious. I'm also worried about my fiance working so much, just to pay for the wedding.

I am now thinking that we could have a small wedding at my parents' house or even eloping to the Caribbean (and then having a party in my hometown when we get back). I am afraid that eloping will upset the families and I’m afraid I'll regret not having had a wedding in the future.

Can you help m decide what to do? I'm usually so decisive

- Frazzled

Dear Frazzled,

There is no need for your wedding to ruin your life. The occasion is such a happy one and if you and your fiance are working yourselves to the bone just to save enough money to pay for the event, you may indeed want to rethink your plans.

As you know, the only requirements for a wedding are a potential spouse, a valid marriage license, a legal officiant, and the required witnesses. Beyond that, the event is yours. A trip to City Hall can be exquisitely romantic and offer as good a story as any deluxe, five-star event.

So what should you do to keep your sanity? Remember that you can have any kind of wedding or reception that suits you or that you can afford. You can have a lunch or even a dessert reception so you don't even need to have a big dinner affair. The territory is wide open and it truly is your party.

Eloping is a perfectly good idea, but if you're worried about your parents' feelings then you could either invite them to come along (making your elopement into a something of destination wedding) or you could have a modest bash in your parents yard and you don't need to kill yourselves and have a two year engagement to enjoy yourselves at your wedding.

Pick the wedding that suits you and your current (or relatively current) means. You don't need to do a thing that the magazines and books with their budgets and equations recommend. From everything you've described, the super-long engagement and expensive wedding isn't for you. For your own comfort, scale your plans down and plan something pleasurable.

Relax a little, maybe get your fiance to quit his extra job and think about how you can get married simply, easily and reasonably. You don't have specific fantasies, so why entertain someone else's?

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:28 AM    <link>

NEWLYWED CROWDED HOUSE

Hello,

My fiance and I are getting married soon. We've recently moved into our own house. Before this we were living with my mother. My youngest sister is a freshman at college in the town where we not live and she asked me if she could live with us because she hasn't found a roommate yet.

I told her we'd prefer she keep her options open at this point because we are very excited about living together our first year. She understood and there were no hard feelings. My mother, however, got incredibly upset and said that she never wanted us living with her, and that we're the most self-centered peoples she's ever known. Things have been smoothed over to an extent, due to the upcoming wedding, but she continues to think this is the most insulting thing I've done, claiming "you just don't do this to family." Is it out of line for us to want to spend our newlywed year alone?

Thanks,
The Roomie

Dear Roomie,

This is really not a question of etiquette. Manners govern many things, but the deeper intricacies of family obligations and negotiations fall outside the etiquette umbrella.

It is not unreasonable for you to want to live with your husband and only your husband. The first year of marriage is purportedly very difficult, even without the complication of an extra person in the house. You were not in the wrong.

But families are strange. Perhaps your mother feels that you owe your family something for the time you and your fiance spent living with her. There is no telling what she is thinking, but she may feel it is always incumbent on family members to support one another in any and all ways.

You were, however, vague about your sister's request. Was she looking for a place to live for a finite amount of time, just until she found a roommate and established herself? Would she pay rent or contribute to the household at all? Was she asking to live with you indefinitely? Perhaps if you still feel guilty and uncomfortable (and it stands to reason that you might, since you lived with your mother and she is hosting your wedding at her house) you could look into a compromise. This is not necessary, but it could bring some additional peace. What if you offered your sister a place to live for a couple of weeks while she looks for a place to live and a roommate? Perhaps you could have her over regularly for dinner after she has moved to town. Your gesture doesn't have to be as enormous as taking on your sister as a roommate, but just acknowledging that you are around and supportive will go a long way.

Your mother wants you to assume all the same responsibilities with your sister that she did with you, so you'll have to decide for yourself how reasonable she is and whether or not you want to compromise. You aren't being crazy for wanting what you want, but sometimes we make loopy compromises in the name of domestic peace.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:59 AM    <link>

POST-WEDDING PARTY PLANS

Dear Elise,

My group of family and family friends is big and my fiance's is small, and he doesn't want his family to be completely dwarfed by mine at the wedding. As a compromise, we have invited most of our families (with mine far outnumbering his) but limited our parents to the same number of friend invites.

The people who will end up being excluded are primarily my mother's local friends. My fiance and I have agreed to attend a second reception for those folks, as long as it is low-key and not too big. Our current plan is to hold the day after the wedding, after the out-of-town guests have left.

I'm concerned that an invite to this event will feel like a booby prize. My question is, how can we make it feel special?

Many thanks,

Hoping Everything Will Work Out Fine

Dear Hoping,

I am not entirely sure what you are asking. Many people do have post-wedding receptions for people who couldn't be invited to the nuptials, though those festivities generally happen some time after the wedding. You aren't doing anything wrong by structuring your wedding events this way, so you will have to find a way to reduce your guilt.

The key to making your friends feel good at this party is pretty simple: treat them graciously and with respect. If this means delivering a toast to your guests telling them how happy you are that they could celebrate with you, then do that. If it means making the rounds to each table and talking with each guest individually, then that is an option as well. You know your crowd and what would please them.

There is a chance that some folks will be upset that they couldn't be invited to the wedding, but the only answer to the laments is to smile gently and say: "I'm sorry we couldn't invite everyone to the wedding but it means a lot to me that you could come today. Thank you."

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:38 AM    <link>

NO IN-LAWS AT SHOWER

Dar Elise,

I am the Maid of Honor in my best friend's wedding. I am throwing her a "lingerie party." From the beginning she said she did not want to invite her future mother-in-law, and sister-in-law. She doesn't really like them interfering with her wedding. I convinced her to reconsider. I know that feelings will be really hurt and since I am the one throwing the shower I don't want to be blamed for leaving them out. Just when everything was settled, the bride turned around and said her fiance was adamant that his mother and sister not be invited.

Here's the question. How do I respect the bride's wishes while also making sure that I am not the one blamed by the future in-laws for not inviting them? On a side note they have been invited to the other showers, they are just not wanted at the lingerie party.

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught,

It is indeed a drag to be caught in the middle of this sort of snark-fest and I understand why you'd be nervous about these particular exclusions. There's nothing you can do, however, if your friend is adamant about not inviting her future in-laws.

While you may feel uncomfortable about it, no one will hold you responsible for the guest list. The only showers that receive no guest list input from the bride are surprise parties, so you don't have much to worry about as a practical matter.

If other wedding showers are being thrown for your friend, and her future in-laws are invited to them, you have even less to be concerned about. If it makes you more comfortable, think of your shower as more raucous- almost a bachelorette party. Even the theme of your shower is in your favor.

So if you have done your best to keep the peace, give up. No one should blame you for what happens. Whatever you do, don't let anyone draw you into any kind of conversation or debate about the guest list. Smile sweetly and change the subject.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:53 AM    <link>

HONORED GUESTS, NOT HONOR ATTENDANTS

Hi Elise-

I'm getting married this summer and we're keeping the ceremony fairly simple. We decided not to have a wedding party, since we don't want to single out any individuals. However, we each have siblings and would love to give them some kind of honorary role. I'm not wild about readings during ceremonies, and I don't want to assign them extra tasks (as that seems more like a punishment than an honor). What can we do to make them feel like they are playing a part?

Thanks!

How To Please

Dear How to Please,

You don't say how many siblings you and your fiance each have, and different solutions work for different sibling configurations.

If you each have one, you could have them be the two witnesses who sign your marriage license. If you have multiple siblings, you could invite them to give the first toasts; you could toast them; you could have special dances with them- if you're dancing; or you could simply seat them all at the head table at your reception.

You are not obliged, of course, to turn yourselves inside out to find ways to honor your siblings. The best way to find your way is to see what comes naturally.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:45 PM    <link>

BUT I DO HAVE A DATE

Dear Elise,

My nephew, who is also my godson, is getting married this summer. Our family is relatively small. But the wedding is quite large: 340 people have been invited. I am divorced and the only one of my siblings not currently married. My brother is also divorced but his new wife, her sisters and their spouses are also invited. I was the only person in the groom's immediate family who was not invited with a guest. One of my brothers says this is because I am "older" (46) and shouldn't expect to be able to bring a date.

In fact, I do have someone I would like to bring. I live in a different state from the rest my family and do not always share my single life. In addition, the rest of the family was all invited to the engagement party. I was not invited because they decided I wouldn't come because I live four hours away.

Do I have the right to be upset and- since it looks like etiquette was not followed- can I do the same and hand write "and Guest" on the invite?

Feeling Insulted

Dear Feeling,

It is almost never a good idea to respond to rudeness with more rudeness. The initial offenders won't learn their lessons and they'll use your transgression, however justified you feel it is, as ammunition against you.

So, no, you should not just write "and Guest" on your invitation and expect it to be well received. I realize you are hurt and put out but there is a different, less passive-aggressive action you can take. While generally, guests should accept the invitation they get and not question matters too closely, this is a family situation and one that can handle a little probing.

Call your sibling or your nephew and explain your situation. Say that you know that you tend to be quiet about your personal life but you are seeing someone and would it be all right if you brought your significant other to the wedding. Put it to them bluntly but nicely. They may have made an honest mistake.

The whole "and Guest" construct is uncomfortable for many people, and traditionally, there is only a mandate to invite people with significant others who can be named on an invitation. Having said this, even if they are avoiding the "and Guest" format they certainly could have asked you if you wanted to bring a date.

Try to work yourself into a generous mood (this is difficult, particularly when you have to overlook all kinds of additional slights) and operate under the assumption that they didn't know you were seeing anyone.

If you ask nicely if you can bring your friend and your sibling and nephew deny you, then you have a different decision to make. If you are really hurt, you can decide not to go to the wedding, but don't bring someone uninvited. Not only will this backfire, your friend will be made uncomfortable and you don't need that.

Be direct about your interests and try not to be defensive. It is possible that mistakes were made, and even if the mistake was semi-intentional, you can give your family a chance to correct for it before you create and hold a grudge. (Your third-party brother is, by the way, being a dope. There are no age restrictions on being single, or attending weddings with escorts.)

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:12 PM    <link>

DOUBLE HEADER
COWORKERS & INVITATIONS
-And-
FAMILY HOLIDAY FAIRNESS

Dear Elise,

I was hoping that you might help me with two problems.

I have a temporary position far away from my family and close friends. One of my co-workers is going to be married three months before my wedding. She is having a larger wedding (100 guests to my 30) and will be inviting another co-worker with whom she and I are both friendly. I don't plan on inviting any colleagues.

She asked me if she could invite me without my fiance, because she wants to invite one of my fiance's ex-girlfriends who is still angry and unstable about the breakup. I can't afford to attend her wedding, but even if I could, I wouldn't go without my fiance. Should I tell her not to invite me, or that she will not be invited to my wedding? By the time I send out my wedding invitations, I will have left the job, but I don't want to seem ungracious.

My second problem is more personal. My fiancee's parents are divorced, and live nowhere near each other. My parents, with whom I am close, also live nowhere near either of the other two. We live far away from all of them. I've been spending more than 2/3 of my holidays with his family. I have to travel across the country multiple times a year, and I would rather have a more equitable distribution of time between his family and mine. I don't want to opt out of visiting his parents because I am afraid they would take offense, and I would end up spending my holidays away from my fiance. Is there any solution to time-distribution that isn't selfish on my part?

Thank You!

Awkwardly Situated


Dear Awkward,

Your problems feel difficult because you're so close to them, but actually in both cases you are well situated.

In the first case, you are having a very small wedding- indeed, this is the classic intimate wedding of family and close friends only that people evoke when they say the code words: "We're having a small wedding." When the time is right, you can absolutely tell your friends that you would love to be able to invite them but you can't, given the limits you have on your guest list.

The Who Gets the Holiday issue is thorny and the best solution is to put your foot down hard. What holidays do you celebrate with family? Count them up and divide them between your side and your fiance's side. Then you can set up a schedule and do every other year. One year you have Thanksgiving with your folks and Christmas with his family and the next year you swap. I realize this is complicated by his parents' divorce but you are within your rights to ask for more holiday time with your family than you have had to date. You might not get it to shake out 50/50 every year, but make that your goal. In asking to see your parents, you are not rejecting your future in-laws. Your request is natural and happy. So get your fiance on board and make him understand that you need him to compromise just as much as you do.

Take care to keep in touch with your in-laws and include them in the details of your life and they won't feel neglected. But be firm. You aren't being unreasonable and your request is healthy and understandable.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:57 PM    <link>

SCARED OF SOUSED FRIEND

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have set a date and are lucky to have had everything fall into place. There's only one problem. The mutual friend who introduced me to my fiance, who used to be a fun-loving, exuberant girl, has deteriorated into an obnoxious drunk.

When we originally announced our engagement, we didn't realize the severity of her problem and asked her to be part of the wedding party. We now completely regret this. Her behavior can range from lucid and pleasant to annoyingly giddy to vile and contemptible with little warning. She will be crushed if we renege, but I can guarantee that she'll be three sheets to the wind by the time I walk down the aisle.

We have planned a small afternoon ceremony with a semi-formal, reception following. After the garter toss and buffet line and champagne toasts, the family that does not wish to attend the after-party can leave. The friends (who will receive a separate invitation) will begin to arrive in the late evening, and then, we party!

I've already asked her to not drink until after the ceremony, though unfortunately, I know that her disease may very well take over and she'll end up drunk without even realizing how many "secret shots" she's done. So, what do I do?

Etiquette, I'm not so worried about. I'm fine with telling her off. I'm hoping you have a suggestion, rather, or some task that must be done the day of that will keep her both busy and (somewhat) sober.

Hoping For Dry Dock

Dear Hoping,

To a certain extent you've structured things to your advantage, when it comes to your friend and social drinking.

You're having an afternoon ceremony, which means that the bulk of the day can be spent getting dressed, getting organized and not drinking. If you arrange to get dressed with your wedding party, there will be less of an opportunity for her to get soused.

Really, the more you can keep her involved with your bridal party prior to the ceremony, the better off you'll be. You don't necessarily need to assign her special tasks, though if it really comes to that you could have her set out place cards at tables or work with someone else to do some other set-up chores.

If she is truly lost to alcohol, it will be probably be impossible to keep her from drinking but use your other bridesmaids to help keep an eye on her and redirect her away from her flask or other private stash. The less she is alone and the more you can distract her, the better your chances are for keeping her this side of sober. If you think talking to her in the days immediately before your wedding will help and not encourage her to drink out of spite, you could do that, but I think the best way to minimize her behavior is to keep her busy and included, and not to let her wander off alone where she can embrace the bottle.

Once the full reception starts, there is little you can do, but use the time of day to your advantage. Make sure that there is no alcohol handy before the ceremony and be prepared for her to make up for lost time later.

Good luck and here's hoping your friend will control herself for just a few hours.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:49 AM    <link>

PRIVATE PARTY VS. JOB?

Dear Elise,

Is it proper etiquette not to invite coworkers to a birthday party? I don't generally socialize with my coworkers outside of the workplace. After I happened to mention my dinner, one of my colleagues jokingly asked if I were going to invite the office. I said no, than later thought that maybe I should not have mentioned it at all. I don't want to hurt anyone feelings but I believe I can invite or not.

Private Party

Dear Private,

The policy you learned in grammar school applies just as well to the adult world: if you're not inviting everyone to the party, it's best not to mention it. In the future, this will relieve you of the kinds of discomfort that have you squirming now.

Having said that, you certainly are not required to entertain your coworkers at this or any party and the fact that you are not selectively inviting only the coworkers you like and then talking loudly about the festivities in front of the others helps your cause.

If it comes up again, tell any quizzical coworkers that you're just celebrating in a small way with family and a couple of friends.

Many happy returns.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:36 AM    <link>

THANK YOU NOTES FOR ALL?

Dear Elise,

Two close friends of mine recently threw a pre-wedding party for me. It was neither a shower nor a bachelorette party.

I was presented with a homemade cookbook filled with recipes donated from people at the party and people that were unable to attend. How do I properly thank everyone? My fiance and mother feel that proper thank-you notes should be sent to the two people that compiled the book while a group thank-you email to the people that submitted recipes would be sufficient. I'm not sure that is fully acceptable, I'm also not sure if sending individual thank-you notes to each contributor would be considered overkill. I do appreciate everyone's contribution and I don't want anyone to feel slighted.

Thanks,

Very Appreciative


Dear V A,

When in doubt, write the notes. You had a great time and are really thrilled with this present and grateful for all the contributions. You can't go wrong in writing a quick note to each person who contributed.

Of course this is a pile of correspondence, but everyone who gave recipes would be glad to hear how happy you are. Don't worry about being excessive. Your feelings are sincere and there's nothing wrong with spreading them around.

It won't take that long to crank them out. Get a pile of your favorite stationery- small cards do the trick- brace yourself with some snacks and a not-too-distracting bit of entertainment on the tube or radio, and scratch them out.

Do it soon and you'll save yourself three-cent hike on stamps that the USPS is threatening.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:44 AM    <link>

CAN'T REALLY GO

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married soon and my fiance's cousin is getting married a month after us. At the end of last summer, his cousin asked him to be in his wedding party.

Originally, the wedding was supposed to take place close to where we live, then it was going to be a destination wedding in Jamaica, which we told the cousin we couldn't afford to attend. Now the wedding will be a 12-hour drive away. Is it too late to back out now for being a groomsman?

We do not get paid vacation and are already going to be in the hole for our own honeymoon. If we have to go to this wedding, it will mean 3 (unpaid) days off work, gas money and 2 nights in a hotel, plus a gift.

Is it terribly wrong or rude to back out now, and if not what should he say?

Thank you for your advice!

Planning Problem

Dear PP

Backing out of being in a wedding party is serious business and it often unfortunate repercussions that can damage relationships, so your fiance should take this into account before he quits.

When the wedding was going to be in Jamaica, your fiance did create an opening by saying that travel was too expensive for you. When did they decide on their current wedding location? How close is their wedding to yours? Have you already made your honeymoon arrangements? Did your fiance explain to his cousin that because of your plans, you would be unable to travel at all for his wedding?

Notice that in all of my questions I have not asked how close your fiance is to his cousin or how important he is to the wedding party. These are not relevant issues. If your fiance committed to being in the wedding, this is a responsibility he should take seriously and he should understand that backing out might really hurt his relationship with his cousin.

This is not to say you don't have real and legitimate reasons for pulling out, but this is a big gesture and you should understand the implications. Take counsel with yourselves and have your fiance talk to his cousin. It may be that the cousin understands your problems and won't mind, but you should be prepared for negative fallout.

Of course you can back out of the wedding, but there may be a price to pay. Your fiance needs to decide if he can handle the emotional costs or would rather deal with the financial ones.

I'm sorry there is no way to keep this from potentially getting messy, but if you are honest and act quickly, you can help minimize the angst.

Cheers and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:30 PM    <link>

MORE THAN THE RING IS MISSING

Dear Elise,

I recently became engaged and want to call it off. I know that I need to return my engagement ring, but believe it or not, I lost it. What do I do? Should I offer to pay for the ring? Should I replacing it and then give it back? (The ring was not expensive in the first place, and I am not devaluing the engagement ring or the engagement itself. I am not a material person. Thanks for you reply.

Thanks a bunch!

Misplaced It

Dear Misplaced,

Losing your engagement ring just before breaking off your engagement is fumble that wouldn't make Dr. Freud lift an eyebrow. Your subconscious merely jumped the gun a little. Happily, in your case, you didn't misplace an heirloom from your soon to be ex-fiance's great-great grandmother. If the ring is truly lost and all calls to all houses and hotels that you've visited turn up nothing, you're best off coming clean.

Breaking off your engagement will be difficult whether or not you have the ring. When the time is right, tell your fiance about your decision and come clean about losing the ring. By all means, reimburse your soon-to-be-ex for the ring, but it might not be worth going to all the effort of replacing it since what sentimental value it will have had will be obviated by the break up.

I'm sorry you have to face such a sad situation with this additional feeling of clumsiness, but the best you can do is be gentle and honest and be ready to make any and all amends you can.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:09 AM    <link>

ASKED TOO LATE

Dear Elise

My brother-in-law is getting married next year. He and his fiancee picked their bridal party last June, but just last week she asked me to be a bridesmaid. My husband who is the best man, and I found out that she asked me because my brother-in-law added an usher, and she wanted the sides to match. I don't like the way this invitation came about. Is this proper etiquette? Also, how do I go about declining the position?

Thanks!

Not An Afterthought

Dear Not An Afterthought,

It isn't great form to scramble after wedding party members after the lineup has already been announced, your brother-in-law's future wife has made an invitation which isn't really coming that late in the game (their wedding being many months away). Treat the invitation as if it were a generous gesture.

But you certainly don't have to take the job just because you're gracious about it. If you truly don't want to be in the wedding thank her profusely for her offer, but explain that you're much happier being a regular guest. Stick to your guns, but do not let on that you're offended by her timing. Her offer was ham-fisted and clumsy, but this is a family wedding, so smile sweetly and keep the peace.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:26 AM    <link>

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