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Friday, June 30, 2006

THEY WON'T TRAVEL

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I want our families to meet before the wedding, and my family wants to meet his, but it is becoming very apparent that his family is really resistant. There are no hard feelings (yet). His family just seems really unwilling to leave the state (though they do travel for vacation).

My mother is Vietnamese and Vietnamese tradition dictates that the groom's family must visit the bride's as a sign of respect. If they don't visit, my mother will see that they have no respect for me, her, our family, and our traditions. (His family is not Vietnamese.)

We invited his family to visit and offered to pay for airfare, arrange lodging, and reimburse any missed income. They all have replied that they can't take time off of work (indefinitely!) and left it at that. My mom, my fiance, and myself will take this as an insult and it will become a very sore spot for us all. We would be happy if only his mother came, but even she claims she can't miss work (a part-time job at a dollar store that she's worked at for 20+ years).

My fiance already suspects they will be reluctant to leave the state to attend our wedding, and this unwillingness to meet my family is only confirming his suspicions. How do I approach them and re-emphasize how important it is to us that they come? Tradition aside, isn't there some basic etiquette of meet-the-groom/bride's-family I can invoke?

Thank you,

Resenting the In-Laws

Dear Resenting,

This issue is not simply about cultural differences but there is only so much you can do, short of drugging your fiance's parents and plopping them on a plane.

In the United States, it is traditional for the groom's parents to visit the bride's family. When I say "traditional" in this case, I really do mean reaching back into past centuries. Having said that, even in 1946, Emily Post's Blue Book is circumspect about the actual feasibility of family visits, calling this convention "troublesome," often because of distances families would have to travel. (Though you and your fiance have been extremely generous in your offers to his parents.) More recent editions also point out that while it is traditional for the groom's family to visit, or at least write letters to the bride's family if they don't live nearby, the bride's family can always step in and introduce themselves first. If you want to point to an authority, you can certainly wave Emily Post at them.

But I suspect that even with traditions from Vietnam and the United States putting pressure on them, your fiance's parents may be reluctant to travel. Has your fiance discussed this with them directly? Has he asked them why they don't want to travel? Has he described to them how problematic their behavior is for him? Perhaps they simply don't understand the issues at hand. They should hear in simple terms how important this gesture would be to their son, to you, and to your mother.

On the other hand, maybe they do understand and they simply don't want to travel. This is their prerogative, but they could soften their choice somewhat by writing to your mother and letting her know how exited they are for the wedding. Your fiance could urge them to write, or perhaps send a token present. In turn, you should work on your mother a little bit and try to convince her that they, not being Vietnamese, can't fully comprehend how important her traditions are.

Finally, you may want to take charge and create your own meeting of the minds. Arrange a lunch or dinner for just you, your fiance and both sets of parents before the wedding. If this means that your fiance's parents need to show up a day early for the wedding, so be it.

If they absolutely won't travel even for your wedding, I'm afraid I'm out of suggestions. They may be phobic in some way they can't admit, or there may be other, darker, reasons for their reluctance to budge.

For your sake, do your best not to take offense, and work on your mother as well. See if your fiance can make any headway with his folks.

Congratulations and good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:51 PM    <link>

SOLICITING MENU CHOICES

Dear Elise,

I am the mother of the groom and my husband and I are hosting the rehearsal dinner. We were planning on offering a choice of dishes at the rehearsal dinner.

I have been told that it is considered "tacky" to offer a choice and most people can't remember what they ordered and this would cause confusion. We will be sending reply cards on which guests can indicate their choices. I have always thought that it was gauche not to offer a choice.

Thanks

Confused

Dear Confused,

Reaching back into the annals of etiquette history there is little mention of offering menu choices on response cards. Some of this comes from the fact that until quite recently, response cards themselves were considered horribly gauche. Prospective guests were expected to be able to get it together to write a short note indicating whether or not they'd be attending a wedding without excessive prompting.

The world has shifted, though, and now response cards are expected because in fact, very few people now can respond to invitations on their own.

Menu selection on response cards, however, seems to be a recent phenomenon- the result of people needing to plan everything minutely; of guests needing to have their dietary issues taken care of; of hosts wanting to be as gracious as possible.

It isn't necessary to secure your guests' meal choices in advance unless you, your caterer, or the restaurant you're using require this information. In truth, people are likely to forget which entree they selected or change their mind and caterers tend to have their own formulas for handling dining requests.

At bottom, it is awkward and not particularly traditional to solicit meal choices on RSVP cards, but if you do it, you aren't being offensive. To suggest that you are, is rude, in and of itself.

If you are feeling self-conscious now, and you don't need to provide exact numbers for your party, you would do just as well to leave the question off.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:04 AM    <link>

MILITARY DRESS FOR CIVILIANS?

Dear Elise,

Help. What should a woman wear to a wedding between two military officers held in a navy chapel at noon in July?

My wife's cousin (the groom) told her "tea length would be appropriate" but that doesn't help much when it comes to color. Do women traditionally dress in lighter shades, this being daytime and in the summer, or is dark appropriate since we will be surrounded by people in uniform? I'm assuming I'm safe in a dark suit, but what colors are safe for her? I'm also hoping your advice can apply to our eight-year old daughter, as well. With young kids, we don't dress up much, and we aren't exactly the type to hang around military bases much, so we're a little worried about guessing wrong on the attired. Thanks for your advice, and your speed in providing it- we only have a few days to shop! Thanks.

What to Wear

Dear What to Wear,

As civilians attending a military wedding, dress options for your wife and daughter are really wide open. You don't have to worry about matching your outfits to the military uniforms, which leaves you with the standard questions of what to wear to a summer wedding (you don't mention whether it is formal or not).

A "tea length" skirt or dress has a hem that hits substantially below the knee- mid-calf or a little lower. Your wife may want to play around with the length since an inch higher or lower can be the difference between flattering and dowdy. Don't ask me what the current recommendations are as to what is most becoming, though. I believe this is one of those areas of fashion that truly shifts according to the individual.

As for colors, your wife and daughter have a lot of choice, though they should stay away from white (to avoid treading on the bride's territory). Many people are wearing black to weddings now, but in more traditional circles it carries some negative connotations. Beyond that, you're safe. Pastels are pleasant, though not universally flattering. Some people swear by navy. Since it is a daytime wedding, you wouldn't want to wear anything too gonzo, but you have plenty of flexibility to find something that suits the sweaty summer and can possibly be worn again.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:48 PM    <link>

NO TOAST FOR DAD

Dear Elise,

My father is getting married to a woman with whom he had cheated on my mother for many years prior to their divorce. He did a number of terrible, hurtful things that would be perfectly reasonable grounds for never speaking to him again. My siblings are no longer talk to him, but I've decided to have at least some relationship with him.

This summer he is getting married. I am invited and plan to attend. The problem is that he has asked me to give a speech at the reception. It is clear that he hopes that, in giving a speech, I will tacitly be giving him the blessing of his children and assuaging his guilt about the terrible things he has done. It's not my job to help him avoid responsibility for his past actions.

I tried to bow out of this role in the wedding by explaining that, in most weddings, these kinds of speeches consist mostly of anecdotes about the couple's relationship, and that I of course have no such stories to tell. My father insists that we find a way around this problem.

And just to make matters that much worse, my father has a terrible, irrational temper that would certainly be summoned by leveling with him about the reason for my discomfort with giving the speech.

What should I do?

Scylla and Charybdis

Dear S&C,

One advantage to growing up is the autonomy and independence one has from one's parents. They will always be present in one's heart and consciousness, but one no longer needs to do what one is told.

I should say here, that if this were just a question of etiquette, the answer would be simple. You could easily say that while you're pleased and honored that you've been asked to give a speech, you would prefer not to. People beg off on that sort of thing all the time.

But this is really a question about family and who you are in relation to your father. He wants something he thinks you have: approval of his choices. You in fact, don't really have approval to give. You want to support your father by attending the wedding, but it is beyond the pale for him to ask you to set aside his betrayal of your family and celebrate his marriage with some sort of public declaration. Your feelings are beyond reasonable.

And your father should not be a bully about it.

You mention your father's temper, and it does sound as if he is a person used to getting his way, but remember: you are an adult now and you don't need anything from him. He is the one who wants something from you. This puts you in a powerful position. There is nothing he can do to you. The more angry and hurtful he behaves towards you, the less deserving he is of any sort of consideration from you. Should he get furious and yell at you, you can always rely on old standbys such as: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I can't give a speech, especially when you treat me this way."

So, you should tell your father that you do not want to give a speech at his wedding. If he presses you for reasons, you don’t need to elaborate. All you need to say is that you are happy to be a guest but don't feel comfortable speaking at his wedding. If he gets angry and tries to bully you, remain calm. He can't hurt you. If you need distance, you can absolutely carry on these negotiations over the telephone or you could demure in a letter.

You are being extremely gracious to even attend a wedding about which you feel so conflicted, and you shouldn't let your father's craving for a big public clean slate make you feel exploited. It isn't your job to resolve this problem of his. Be kind and firm, don't mention your larger reasons for keeping your seat and stay strong. Your generosity in the face of his callousness is admirable.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:39 AM    <link>

HOW LONG FOR HORS D'OEUVRES?

Dear Elise,

Music is playing a big part in our wedding: string quartet for ceremony, mariachi for hors d'oeuvres, dinner with more music, etc. What is the appropriate length of time between hors d'oeuvres and dinner? We want to enjoy the mariachis as long as possible.

Thank you,

Music Lover

Dear ML

Well, it does sound as if you've placed the mariachis perfectly for your reception. You don't really describe, but I'm assuming that your ceremony is happening before your reception, possibly in a different venue altogether.

The hors d'oeuvres phase of your reception is also often called "cocktail hour," so you could take your timing cues from that and allot 60 or so minutes for mariachi playing. That would be a safe amount of time, but of course if that isn't enough time you could always bring back the mariachis for the dancing part of the evening.

Really, all you want here is to balance people's appetites (they will get hungry eventually) with your musical cravings, but nothing should stop you from extending your musical indulgences into the evening, after the quieter parts of the festivities (dinner, toasts, etc.) are over.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:20 AM    <link>

ELOPEMENT PUNISHMENT

Dear Elise,

About 8 months ago, my fiance and I were in the thick of planning our wedding when we realized that everyone was having fun but us. We decided to elope, and it is the best decision we could have made.

After eloping, we called my parents, who were genuinely happy for us. Then we called my husband's mother. When we told her, she was silent for a moment and then started crying and screaming. She accused me of stealing her son, of ruining her right to see her only child married. She said that I had ripped out her heart and stomped on it, called me a "selfish b--" who only thought of herself and that it was okay for me to elope because my parents have other children. She said that she would never speak to either of us again and that she would pray for a speedy divorce.

Recently, I found out I am pregnant. My husband told his mother, who could have cared less. She wouldn't even look at the sonogram. She won't return calls, emails or letters. My husband's whole side of the family hates us.

This is devastating because prior to the elopement, I couldn't have enjoyed a closer relationship with my husband's mother. I thought of her as my 2nd mom, and she said I was the daughter she never had. I can't believe she has acted so badly. Why can't she be happy for us as my parents are and how can this be fixed?

Can She Come Around?

Dear Can She,

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

First, this isn't really a question of etiquette, since now you're in the soup with your husband's mother. You say you're surprised, but I suspect her response isn't a total shocker. There is a reason, after all, why your wedding plans went off the rails and why you decided to elope.

You and your husband are going to have to work together to get back into his mother's good graces, though you will need to be careful about not bending so much to her that you'll never be able to get up again. She is punishing you and it is possible that for her, you learning your lesson will mean you will always be under her thumb.

Here is a quick plan of action that might help. First try apologizing to your mother-in-law. Tell her you never intended to hurt her and ask her if she would like to have a post-elopement reception. If she bites, wash your hands of it (unless you have to pay for it, in which case set a clear budget). This would be her bash, her chance to shine and show off her son. Don't argue, don't question, don't look back.

Then, regardless of whether or not she takes you up on the suggestion of the party, include her in your news. Don't be overly gushy or constant, but send her regular updates and let her know- either in email, by telephone or through her son- what you're up to. Treat your husband's family the same way. Try to keep your chin up. It is hard to send letters into the void. Be patient.

When you have the baby. Send announcements to everyone and gently keep in touch. Again, don't go overboard. Just let everyone know that you're sorry they were offended, but you want them to know they are included.

The baby is probably going to be your trump card with your mother-in-law. It sounds ridiculous to say this, but it is often terribly hard for grandparents to stay away from their grandchildren. This may be especially the case with your husband's mother since he is the only source of grandchildren she will have.

This will take time. It could take years, but as long as you keep up the contact, you can remain blameless. If she decides to be reasonable and enjoy family life, the ball is in her court.

And if she remains sullen, you will have done your best.

Good luck and congratulations again,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:51 AM    <link>

BIG OR LITTLE, WHO WINS?

Dear Elise,

I have never dreamed of having a wedding. Marriage, yes. But a wedding? No thanks.

I really don't look forward to dealing with having my entire broken family in one place during the ceremony. I don't want them around when I'm getting hitched. So my fiance and I decided to just have a private ceremony and a party afterwards where everyone is invited.

For the first time, I was starting to look forward to my wedding. Three days later, my fiance tells me that his mother broke down crying when he told her what we wanted to do and that his father wouldn't "be able to celebrate" without taking part in the ceremony. I am heartbroken. I don't know what to do. What gives? It's not even like my fiance is an only child. He is one of three. I really don't want to give in and go back to my personal state of wedding dread. Are his parents' demands reasonable, or simply selfish and worth fighting? Any suggestions on how we might find a compromise?

Thanks,

Don't Know Where to Draw the Line

Dear Don't Know,

There are a number of ways to think about this though none of them has much to do with traditional rules of etiquette, which accommodate both standard weddings and elopements.

You don't want to see your family, but your fiance perhaps wants to see his- because his parents care deeply about witnessing their son's wedding. This is the sort of thing that is unpredictable. You had no idea that they would care so deeply about witnessing your ceremony. Tcomry to take it as a compliment. They want to rejoice in that moment with you and welcome you to their family.

Of course you could dig in your heels and refuse to have any kind of ceremony. You ask if this is a fight worth having. This is the unanswerable question because it very well might be a fight that never ends. Is your fiance certain that his parents' feelings would be deeply hurt? Is it worth alienating them for years if there is some kind of compromise that would make the proceedings acceptable to you and to them?

Would you be willing to have a semi-private ceremony with just his parents and whichever one or two relatives of yours you can stand? You don't mention the ways in which your family is complicated (so it is hard to say how practical this suggestion is), but a wedding ceremony doesn’t have to be all encompassing or nothing. You could invite three or four people to the courthouse and leave it at that.

Is your dread really focused entirely on not wanting your family members around to witness your wedding ceremony? Why is that so much worse for you than having them present at your reception where the risk of having to talk to them is greater? This sort of question should help you navigate a solution and possibly defuse some of your problems with your folks.

You don't have to sacrifice all of your plans or control, but in the name of your fiance's happiness and peace with his family, which clearly supports you, it may be worth trying to include them a little in your ceremony.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:09 AM    <link>

WHAT TO DO ABOUT BOOZE

Dear Elise,

My fiance has a group of close friends who like to get together and drink every other weekend or so. My main concern is that his friend "Jeff" will be attending our reception. Jeff is great guy when sober, but he can be offensive and obnoxious when intoxicated. Given this and several other considerations (cost, the many young children on my side of the family, other family members who handle do alcohol well), I don't want to serve alcohol at our wedding reception.

My fiance thinks that this is silly- that our wedding day should be a big party, and if people don't like it, that's their problem. Coming from a large, closely knit family, I have always been brought up to believe that wedding days are as much about celebrating the joining of two families as the joining of two people; my fiance and I are already as close as two people can be, and the wedding is to share this with friends and family.

Is there a solution to this, Elise? Can I make this reception comfortable for my fiance, my family, and Jeff?

Or should we run off to Vegas before our heads collectively explode?

Teetotaling Bride

Dear Teetotaling,

First of all, Jeff is just an accessory to your problem and so are the children. At issue is your discomfort with alcohol, which is combining with your fiance's (not uncommon) feeling that some lubrication will help the festivities.

It is up to you and your fiance to unearth a middle ground, if there is one. Are you absolutely dead set against alcohol for moral reasons? I ask because your worries about one guest's behavior and your fears about children being exposed to some drinking can be managed, but if you really for religious or temperance reasons will not accept any alcohol at your reception at all, you need to convey this to your fiance.

On the other hand, if your feelings are more sanguine- that you just don't want to have sloppy drunks around and you're concerned about finances- there are some solutions. No one says you have to have an open bar. You could serve only wine and beer, or just wine if you like. This could save you considerable amounts of money since liquor is quite expensive and mixed drinks usually require the additional services of a bartender.

You don't mention what time of day you have planned for your reception, but if you're planning an evening party, you have less to worry about when it comes to children since they will probably be escorted home before it gets too late and before anyone gets too soused. As far as "Jeff" is concerned, the absence of liquor could slow him down

Really, you can please everyone as long as you and your fiance are prepared to compromise. Try not to take hard lines on this. Instead, figure out what your real problems are with alcohol and see if there aren't ways to neutralize those issues (by limiting what you serve or how quickly you serve it, for instance). Your fiance should think about finding a middle ground, too. Ultimately, the presence of alcohol at a wedding does not automatically turn a happy reception into a drunken orgy.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:48 PM    <link>

THANK YOU NOTES: HOW TO END 'EM / WHEN TO SEND 'EM
Double Header

Dear Elise,

Can you provide some suggested "closings" that are not as formal as "Sincerely," "Yours Truly" and "Regards," but more formal than "Later" and not as intimate as "Love"?

"Best Wishes" and "Cheers" just seem stuffy to me, but when I write a thank-you note to someone who I'm not very close to, I'm at a loss for just how to close in a friendly yet not overly familiar way.

Thanks!

Correspondent

Dear Correspondent,

Closings are tricky. I especially have never cared for "Sincerely" which in this century sounds as if it came out of a can. Clearly, you're aware of the standards, but there are a few variations that might serve you well.

Instead of "Yours Truly" you could go with "Yours."
Instead of "Best Wishes" you could use "All Best" or just "Best."

I worked for someone once who clearly exercised a hierarchy of her friends, which was visible in whether she signed her letters "Best Wishes" "Best" or "All Best." It was fascinating. You might consider creating your own hierarchy cobbled together out of both the "Best" and "Yours" series.

You are of course entitled to invent your own closings that stray from the norm ("Yours from South of the Border," but if you want something standard but neither stuffy nor dated, try some of the above on for size.

But perhaps because the taint of the 20th century is still on me. I'll say:

Cheers to you,

Elise

Dear Elise,

My friend keeps saying that people have a year to write thank you notes whether they're for wedding presents, baby gift, birthday presents, or anything.

I say that a year is an old wives' tale, that today's etiquette timeline is more like 3 months at the most.

What do you say?

Thanks!

- I Think She's Wrong

Dear She's Wrong,

Does your friend always file for an extension with the IRS? Is she the kind of girl who is reliably 30 to 60 minutes late for dinners and who always misses the first 20 minutes of movies? If so, don't listen to her.

Actually don't listen to her anyway. She is completely mistaken. You're mistake, too. One should write thank you notes as soon as possible after you've received a present, of any kind. I suspect your friend heard once that wedding GUESTS have a year in which to give wedding presents to the bride and groom, but one shouldn't approach thank you notes with such leisure.

And why would you want to drag out the thank you note process, anyway? Writing thank you notes one at a time, as each present arrives is manageable and efficient. If you let them pile up for months and months, I can guarantee that the task will become onerous and enormous.

Of course one gets busy and time slips away or sometimes one just forgets and then months and months later, that negligence pops into one's mind leaving a knot in one's stomach. Even then, one should write the note. Late is better than not at all.

So, no, you don't have one year or any set number of months or weeks, in which to send thank you letters. Get them out as soon as you possibly can and don't let them turn into a nagging mountain staring at you when you'd rather wash your dog.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:11 AM    <link>

CAN SHE ASK ANYONE?

Dear Elise

My wife and I were married last month in the Italian
Riviera and are having a somewhat casual, outdoor reception for family and friends.

I have two nieces in college and one nephew in high school. I invited them with guests and they all replied that they'd be attending solo. Last night, one of my nieces called and asked if she could bring a guy she'd just met within the past two weeks. Though it's not a formal affair, I've always been a traditionalist and said "no" because I don't think she's known him long enough to introduce him to our family on such an occasion. This has the potential of turning into a serious issue as my sister-in-law does not agree with me and does not understand my point of view.

Are my wife and I missing something here?

Thanks,

No Strangers

Dear NS,

Well, you raise a number of questions. No one is really right or wrong and you are correct that there was a real miscommunication.

The difficulty you're facing is precisely why the oldest fashioned, most traditional etiquette texts do not encourage the "and guest" construction on invitations. (As I understand it, this is indeed how you issued your invitations to your nieces and nephew.)

If you really meant that the dates your nieces and nephew brought to your party should be well known to your family, you would have had to discovered their significant others' names and included them on your invitations. With that sort of invitation, one should not blithely swap invitees, since the presence of someone specific has been requested.

In your case, however, your niece (and her mother) clearly thought that the invitation was open was open enough for her to bring any companion, even one she had only just met, since you left the invitation open for her to bring any "guest" of her choosing.

So you see, there is no one really at "fault" and everyone would do well to just be gracious about things and leave it at that. If pressed by your sister-in-law, you could consider relenting because your niece really did misunderstand the invitation. It would preserve the peace and please everyone. You certainly don't have to do that, but you and your wife will have to be prepared to repeatedly explain yourselves, especially since your invitation was open to interpretation.

See how you and your wife feel about sticking to your guns or bending a little.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:20 PM    <link>

LONG DISTANCE MAID OF HONOR

Dear Elise,

My best childhood friend is getting married in September and I will be flying home to be in the wedding. I have tremendous amounts of guilt about a few things:

1. I am putting myself through graduate school and have absolutely no money. She comes from a wealthy family and is trying to pay for everything- my $500 dress, etc. I am going to charge some expenses on my credit card but I cannot match the way she is spending.

2. I am so far away that I can't help plan anything.

3. Although I am in a committed relationship considering marriage- I am non-traditional and do not buy into the whole wedding industry.

My friend has repeated told me that she doesn't care about these things but what role can I actually play in her special day?

Please help!

Unhelpful Maid

Dear UM,

Yours isn't so much a question about etiquette as much as it asks about the role friendship plays in weddings.

Let's think about your issues in reverse order because I think you put the most important one last.

You say you are non-traditional and don't care for the wedding industry. Fair enough. Many people feel the same way, even though your friend doesn't. Happily this doesn't matter at all, as long as you are able to support her, help her make the odd decision and be happy for her. Even if her choices have nothing to do with anything you would ever choose for yourself, you don't have to worry about being a hypocrite. All she wants is your interest and friendship.

As far as other Maid of Honor obligations, you will have to play them by ear. You will not be around to throw a shower but if you are flying in a couple of days before the wedding, you could organize some sort of party, if the bride wants it- some sort of cocktail excursion or bachelorette thing, even a lunch or dinner with other friends or just the two of you. Beyond that, while you won't be around to take care of legwork, you can certainly talk to your friend and correspond with her about her state of mind, her choices, what's bothering her and what she finds amusing. She may really need a ready and sympathetic ear more than anything.

Your friend asked you to be her Maid of Honor knowing that you were living far away (and would not be able to plan much) and broke. She knew this and still asked you to stand up with her. She picked a very expensive dress that she knew you couldn't afford and is paying for it. If she says she doesn't care about the money and the distance, then you should believe her. What she really needs is non-judgmental, interested friendship and that is something you can surely provide. Be engaged with her, ask her what she needs, and don't worry about the elements you can't control.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:05 AM    <link>

ASKING FOR HELP

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a casual beach wedding with a party at a bar on the beach afterwards. We are paying for the wedding ourselves, and have just put together a preliminary guest list which is composed of: 10% my friends, 15% my family, 25% my fiance's friends, and 50% my fiance's family's guests (family members and my fiance's parents' friends, several we would cut if it was up to us).

Is it out of line for us to ask his parents to help pay for the wedding? They are lovely people, but they are fairly traditional and I think they were taken aback that my parents aren't paying for ours. What is the etiquette when the groom's family is much larger than the bride's family? Should the groom's family get to invite as many people as they want?

Thanks,

Holding the Check

Dear Holding,

Money is one of the most difficult things to talk about. The second financial discussions emerge, they create avalanches of issues about independence and indebtedness, freedom and respect. So your angst is understandable.

Generally, wedding guest lists are divided as evenly as possible among the factions (wedding couple, and each set of parents). Of course there should be some flexibility depending on relative family sizes, relative finances, and relative antisocialness. The guest list is a collaboration. The people who are hosting the event usually do get a slightly louder voice, if only because they know exactly how many people they can afford to host, but compromise is key.

There are a couple of different approaches you can take here. Since your fiance's parents know that you are footing the bill for everything (and were mildly surprised, it seems, by that turn of events), you are in a reasonable position to gently make them aware of your predicament.

If you can't afford to invite everyone, it is reasonable for you and your fiance to go to your future-in-laws and explain that you don't have enough money to cover the most inclusive guest list. This leaves an opening for your fiance's parents to jump in and offer some financial assistance. If they don't, you have the perfect opportunity to ask them to selectively cut some people from their part of the guest list.

Asking for money is a delicate matter. It is really difficult unless doing so is part of your fiance's family's overall style. Your fiance would know this better than anyone and he should be in charge of approaching them.

Just remember that, while they aren't obliged to help you financially, you don't need to dig yourselves into debt to accommodate their plans. Here is where you can find a middle ground.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:38 AM    <link>

WHEN YOUR FAMILY STANDS YOU UP

Dear Elise,

I recently got married in a tiny courthouse wedding, after which all went out to dinner. I'm not very close with my family and even up until the night before the wedding my mother wasn't sure if she wanted to come. My best friend, who is also my cousin was planning to be there (she lives about 90 minutes away by car or train). I really wanted her to come for so many reasons, but she didn't She said she had just come back from a trip to the Bahamas two weeks earlier. She didn't plan that trip until after we gave her the date of the wedding, but she went because this guy she is seeing had vacation time that he had to take. (She wants a relationship with him but he doesn't want one with her and has told her that. All they do is sleep together when he feels like it.) We talk daily and she knew I was sad that no one else from my family was coming.

She never apologized or said she was sorry for not going. Really, she complains about the guy she's seeing all the time. It's been a couple of weeks since the wedding and I still feel really hurt that she hasn't even sent a card to wish us a happy marriage.

Now she is planning to take a vacation and says she wants to come down and stay at our house with this guy. Am I right to be hurt? I'm really surprised that she has acted like this. A friend of hers got married last November and she went all out for her. Should I just let everything go or not deal with her as much?

What Do I Do About Her?

Dear What,

It really is too bad that your cousin's relationship got in the way of her going to your wedding. If your description of the situation is accurate, she is under this man's sway in a way that is particularly taxing for you and everyone she knows. I suspect she is afraid to do anything without him, in case he is available and wants to see her. She perhaps worries that if she isn't around he'll find someone else. It is awful that she treats you this way, but know that she may very well neglect everyone she loves because of this man.

You certainly don't have to cater to her or entertain her if you don't want to see her (or him) or suspect that it would make you feel like a bathmat. On the other hand, if you think their visit might be amusing and don't feel compromised, then you should keep your doors open to her.

Was this an invitation you made or did she make the overtures herself? It is hard to retract an invitation if you made it, but if she just decided to drop in for the weekend, you can easily say that the timing is bad. She has made it clear that she can't put you ahead of her boyfriend right now, so if you don't want to deal with him, you are not obliged to endure.

Once again, I'm sorry and I hope your cousin comes around.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:24 AM    <link>

TALENTED FRIENDS

Dear Elise,

I am having a very private (bride and groom only) wedding in Las Vegas. We will then have a party for about 100 people in our hometown.

I have not yet finalized the guest list and I do know better than to talk about the party to people who might not be invited. However, all of my co-workers and friends know about the upcoming wedding and they have all been asking me about details concerning it and the party.

In the course of asking me general questions, many of these wonderfully talented friends have expressed their interest in helping out with the party. For example, I have friends in a band who have volunteered to play at the party, I have a co-worker who is a baker who has offered a discount on a wedding cake and I have many friends who have offered various services.

I really appreciate all of their help but I wonder what obligations I then have as far as inviting these people to the party. For the band, I think it is only right to invite their significant others to attend the party and to make sure they are well fed. If someone were to bake a cake and give me a substantial discount, should I invite that couple to the party? Obviously the person taking photos will need to be there but should I offer her money or a gift? I know I’m technically not obligated to invite anyone but I wondered if there are basic etiquette guidelines in this area.

Blessed to have talented friends

Dear Blessed,

This is a marvelous situation to be in, but it is complicated when friends turn into vendors.

If it is at all possible, you can't go wrong if you issue invitations to all of your friends who are also helping you out. You want to create a balanced environment and it would be awkward if word got out that you invited some of your friends to join in the party with their significant others (the band, for instance) and not others.

Clarity is key in these situations. If someone offers to do something, ask what his or her fees are. If your friends demure and say their services are wedding presents, then let them know that you will of course pay for their expenses (the film and processing in the case of your photographer, for instance). This will clear up any questions about whether people should be paid conventionally or given presents. Vendors should always be fed, but an invitation to come with a partner is a gracious gesture for someone who is doing a lot for you. (I'm particularly sensitive to problem of starving vendors because a good friend works at a lot of high end weddings and has had a particularly bad season with brides, grooms and wedding planners refusing to feed vendors.)

Really, this is a question of how comfortable you are with being inclusive. There are no set policies, but it sounds as if your community of friends is close and everyone is excited for you and eager to participate. The simplest answer is to invite everyone.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:24 AM    <link>

SON'S MOUTH PUTS MOM IN HOT WATER

Dear Elise,

My son brought home his fiancee a month ago. Until then, I had never met her or even knew she was in the picture.

Like all parents would be, I was concerned about this sudden decision and a few days after they came home, I asked him if he was sure he was ready to get married. He said he was. Several days later, I went to dinner with my son and his fiancee. In the middle of dinner, my son said: "Mom kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to marry you."

He meant it as a joke and I don't think he initially realized how much damage he had done. His fiancee looked horrified and excused herself from the meal and the restaurant. I called her the next day, and told her that I meant nothing personal, that I just wanted to make sure my son was happy and that as a parent, I had natural concerns, as I am sure hers did. She was very cold and said that her parents fully accepted my son and were overjoyed and she couldn't understand me feeling otherwise.

From then on, I have been persona non grata with my son's fiancee. My son is my only child and I was hoping to be included in the wedding plans, but every time I offer to help, I have been rebuffed. I wasn't invited to her bridal showers. She won't contact me directly and relays all information through my son. She has even turned down all of my invitations to have lunch. Her family has also treated me coldly.

I want to make amends, but how do I if my son's fiancee won't let me? I have spoken to my son, but he says it is understandable why she is upset.

Sad Mother

Dear SM,

Mistakes have been made all over the place. Everyone in this situation is practically hemorrhaging errors, and while this makes the situation uncomfortable, you can take comfort in the fact that there is no one person to blame and everyone is being a little oversensitive and defensive.

If all you did was ask your son if he was happy in his decision, you weren't really out of line. Of course there may be more to your question than you indicated in your letter- perhaps you really did disapprove of your son's choice or were put off by the suddenness of the engagement and your skepticism seemed more personal than you meant it to be. Your son, on the other hand, really did make a tactical mistake with his big mouth. He is continuing to perpetuate this negative atmosphere by sitting back and telling you that his fiancee's resentment is justifiable without offering any assistance. Does he want this problem to fester for the rest of his days?

At this point, the only thing to do is to take action. Talk to your son and tell him that you want to start improving your relationship with his fiancee and let him know that you'll need his help. Ask them to have dinner with you together and apologize to them both. Let them know that you only questioned your son because of the suddenness of the engagement, nothing more. (I know you've said this before, but they're being deaf or stubborn, so give it one more shot.) Be sincere and not pushy. At this point, you are not shooting to be best friends with your future-daughter-in-law; you're looking to forge a cordial relationship that may eventually become warm and friendly.

As far as wedding plans, ask directly, when you see your son and his girlfriend, if you can do something. You could offer to host an engagement or rehearsal party for them or just say that you've felt left out and would love to participate.

Right now, your son seems to have been swayed by his fiancee's anger and is reluctant to listen to you, but tell him that you aren't interested in prolonging an argument that got started only because you expressed loving concern for his well being.

All you can do is be direct and gentle. Don't push too hard for intimacy. Don't try to get your son's fiancee to go out with you alone. Get your son to help you and if you are rejected at first, wait a while and try again. Good luck. This may take some time.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:42 AM    <link>

CASH REQUESTS
Double Header

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married this fall. Our friends have started asking us where we are going to register. The problem is, we don’t really want to register anywhere. We were thinking of telling our guests no presents are necessary, but if they really wanted to give us something they could give a money donation to our honeymoon fund.

Is there any proper way of doing this or is it just plain tacky? We desperately need some advice on this one.

Thank you,

Perplexed Bride-to-Be

Dear Elise,

My daughter moved to Argentina in 2004. She met and married an Argentine man who is now trying to obtain a visa to come to the USA to visit and meet us (her parents) family and friends. They have no intention of staying here and will return to Argentina where they intend to live.

Since it is extremely expensive and time consuming to ship new goods into Argentina, and they are limited on the amount of luggage they can carry back, is it appropriate to ask guests that we intend to invite to a US wedding and reception to give only money instead of bringing a traditional gift. If so, how do we word such an invitation so we do not offend anyone? This young couple would rather have a monetary gift as they are saving for a house there in Argentina. Can you help me out? Thanks.

Curious Dad

Dear Perplexed and Curious,

I know where you both are coming from, and I have certainly heard this song before, but I'm afraid what I have to say will come as a disappointment.

It is really bad form to ask for money on an invitation. There is no way to be delicate or oblique or funny about it and not come off as being greedy at worst and oblivious at best. Once again, this is not to say that there aren't practical reasons for wanting cash presents. It just isn't right to ever make present demands on an invitation.

There is no easy way to handle cash requests, but there are a couple of routes you can consider. First, you can try not registering anywhere. If anyone asks where you are registered, you (or the family and friends you've selected to put the word out) can say that you haven't registered anywhere because what you really need is cash towards the down payment on your house or honeymoon, etc. Something else that people do that might work for you, Perplexed, is register FOR a honeymoon. This is best done through a (reputable) travel agent. You would spread the word about this the same way you would spread the word about any registry: through word of mouth and not mention anything about it on your invitation.

This is extremely delicate territory. No one wants to be bullied about presents and as I've mentioned here in the past, people often have strong feelings about not wanting to give money. Having said that, there are some cultures and communities where giving cash is the norm, so depending on your circumstances this may be easier than you think.

Ultimately, though you can't control presents. If people ask, you should feel free to tell them what you want, but beyond that, there's nothing to be done politely. Curious, if shipping things to Argentina is a problem, you could encourage guests to send their presents abroad themselves and provide them with your daughter's address. That way, some of the burden is off the newlyweds.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:18 AM    <link>

MISTAKES WERE MADE

Hi Elise,

We just found out that the 150 wedding invitations to 250 guests that we mailed out have the correct date but the wrong day of the week listed as the wedding day (the invitation says "Saturday" instead of "Sunday").

The invites went out all over the country and overseas and the wedding is at the end of the summer. People will start opening them and making plane and hotel reservations for the wrong days. What is the proper way to handle this? What do we mail out quickly and what would the wording be? This is a formal daytime wedding.

We are not comfortable with just email and phone calls because we do not have the email and phone numbers for a large number of these people. It is our mistake and I do not want to ask the groom's parents to call or write their guests!

Please send advice fast!

Thank you,
Embarrassed Mother-of-Bride

Dear Embarrassed,

Everything will be fine. Your mistake is going to be obvious to anyone who starts to make any sort of reservation so expect a few phone calls of the: "Do you mean the wedding is on Saturday or Sunday?" variety.

If you have time, you can certainly print and send cards that correct the mistake. Some language you could use is:

"The date of the wedding of BRIDE'S NAME to GROOM'S NAME is Sunday June eighteenth (not Saturday as previously indicated)."

Something like this should do the trick. If you feel you need to repeat details (such as the time and place of the wedding), you can certainly include them as well.

If your worries do overtake you, know that you can call or email people and let them know the correct day of the week, and since your daughter's fiance's parents have surely received an invitation themselves, they are probably aware of the problem and will be happy to pitch in and help clarify things for the guests they know.

So take some deep breaths. You only have a few weeks to go, and if this is your biggest problem, you're in amazing shape.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:31 AM    <link>

PLEASING MOTHER & PRESERVING GUEST LIST

Dear Elise,

I am having a destination wedding in Las Vegas. We can have a maximum of 50 people at the wedding and reception, and we have sent evites as a "save the date" measure. Currently, we have about 40 guests who have already made reservations to go to the wedding.

My mother insists that I send invitations to my extended stepfamily. I have not had contact with these people for at least ten years but she is afraid that they will shun her (she also claims that they 'probably' will not go anyway).

I absolutely cannot risk of any of these relatives accepting the invitation when we still have invitations out to a few of our closer friends and family. We are sending formal invites at the end of June, and some people have suggested I just send announcements to the extended family that are not invited. Other friends say to go ahead and send everyone an invite with a note that seating is limited to 50 people, so they need to call quickly to make sure that spots are still available. I feel the last suggestion would still wind up with us hurting people's feelings.

My second problem is how to write the invitations. My mom feels left out of the planning. (My parents are not paying for the wedding because my father had to take time off work to recover from surgery. Before he got ill, my mother bought me my wedding dress, but now I will be giving my parents a lot of the money I saved for my wedding so that they have something to live on until my father gets back to work.)

My fiancé thinks that our names should be the only ones on the invitations, since we should only put our names on the invites since we are paying for the wedding. I know this will break my mother's heart, but I feel that if my fiance and I do put only our names on the invites, this will take the pressure off of my parents when we send announcements to my stepfamily (if that's what we decide to do).

Please help!!!

Thanks,

Desperately Looking for Solutions

Dear DLS.

Compromise is a marvelous thing. But there's only so far one can go. One can't, for instance, negotiate too far with laws of space.

If your wedding and reception venue really is as small as you say, your mother will have no choice but to accept the physical limitations. Short of finding a different spot that is a little more accommodating, you are right to be worried. You don't want to have a flood of extra guests you can't seat standing around creating fire hazards (comfort not being the only, or even primary, reason venues set for declaring occupancy limits).

Now, what can you do? Your mother is surely aware by now that you are not just being stubborn and that there is a real practical space issue to deal with. Your friends have offered some good advice, but it is unfortunately misguided. No one wants to get a wedding invitation that is only good for the first 10 people to RSVP. That will only set you up to get scolded by hurt relatives who decide to hit Vegas only to hear from you that they were, sadly the 15t h and 16t h callers and can't go.

So here is one place where you can compromise. You can send wedding announcements to all of your uninvited step-relatives. (Also, if your mother likes, you can have some sort of small party with them after the fact and at her convenience.) This will require a slight additional investment in stationery.

As for your invitation question, keep in mind that wedding invitation text is not determined strictly by finances, although people seem determined to behave as if it were. Part of this belief reasonably comes from the fact that invitations are generally issued by the event's hosts (who often do pay for things). But if it makes everyone happy to have the invitations come from the entire collective of parents or only from the bride and groom, then it really doesn't matter. No one studies a wedding invitation and wonders how much each party contributed to deserve a listing. That is the business of movie credits, not wedding stationery.

If it would make your parents happy to be named on the invitation and it doesn't bother you, don't let financial questions interfere with peace.

Finally, if you do send announcements to your relatives, understand that wedding announcements get mailed either immediately after the wedding, or as close to it as is reasonable. While the text for announcements is very similar to what you see on invitations, it isn't the same, so if you do send announcements, you'll have to print up something different anyway. When you do this, leave your mother's name off the announcement and have it come only from you. That way no one can point any fingers her way.

You can have the small wedding you want, flatter your mother and give a nod to your step-relatives, but all of this will require a combination of firmness and flexibility on everyone's part. If you take the lead, you can probably get your mother and your fiance to follow.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:06 PM    <link>

ENGAGEMENT PARTY PRESENT PROTOCOL

Dear Elise,

Does one bring a gift to an engagement party or are presents mostly for the wedding?

Thank you,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Who says you need to bring a present to every single nuptial event? The big secret, really, is that only showers demand that guests bring gifts- not even the weddings themselves require them in the same way.

Having said that, it is really the norm to give wedding presents, and you should certainly acknowledge the wedding if you were a guest, so if you truly can't afford a present, you should at least send a card thanking the couple for including you and wishing them all the best.

As for engagement parties, you are not required to bring a present, but if you feel uncomfortable about showing up empty handed, consider something small: a bottle of wine or champagne, a book, or some token home item. Again, you could even drop off a card with a happy note on it.

Of course engagement party traditions vary from region to region, so be sensitive to your surroundings, but still you should not feel obliged to shop extensively for each event.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:36 AM    <link>

STAND UP FOLKS

Dear Elise,

My daughter is getting married this fall. We are a big family, so there are a lot of sponsors although my two sisters will not be part of the group. Isn't this awkward? My husband has included all his brothers. What should I do?

When my niece was married I was not included in the wedding party either, and I am the oldest sister. I don't hold any grudges about that, and I do feel I should include my sisters. My daughter thinks she has enough sponsors already but I feel uncomfortable.

Thank you,

Confused

Dear Confused,

Harmony does not come naturally to people, especially during the season of wedding planning. There is always an urge to settle a score or achieve an aesthetic perfection that can alienate others. But as a general rule, you come out ahead of the game if you treat every group equally.

If you want to completely inoculate yourself against sibling resentment, it would be safest to include all of your siblings in the wedding party. Adding an extra two people to an already large group is not such a big deal if it means preserving good will in the family.

Having said that, I can't help but notice that you use the word "sponsor" to describe the people who will be standing up for your daughter. In a number of cultural traditions- in the Philippines, for instance- the bride chooses couples to be Sponsors: witnesses and supporters of her during the wedding. If you are from a culture that has a specific set of rules and customs, you should certainly take them into consideration, over and above my general suggestions.

As a general matter, your daughter isn't doing anything particularly "wrong," but it is rarely a bad idea to be inclusive and if it makes everyone more comfortable, shouldn't that trump the fear of having an unbalanced or large crowd up front?

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:24 AM    <link>

DAD VS. UNCLE

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I just recently dumped our semi-formal wedding plans in favor of something more our speed in my hometown, in my father's backyard. I made the announcement informally on Myspace to let my hometown friends know they should save the new date.

Anyway, some of my estranged mother's family who I am just getting back in touch with after many, many years caught wind of the announcement, which is fine. I don't mind any of them coming and I don't mind attempting to get to know them after all these years, but my father HATES my uncle, and my uncle wants to come to the wedding! I hate to have my cousins (who are my age and who I'd like to get to know) come or even my grandmother, but have to tell my uncle he is not invited because my father will maim him. My father is a civilized guy, but he holds a bitter grudge against my mother and her brother. He has good reasons but this was 20+ years ago.

What the hell do I do?! This is an issue of diplomacy I did not anticipate for our laid back little shindig.

Thanks muchly,

Dealing With Bad Blood

Dear Dealing,

This is a bind and something you really need to talk to your father about. Since he is really the host of this event. Of course you aren't responsible for the original offense between your father and your uncle but the wedding is in his home and he deserves certain considerations.

Tell him how you're feeling about the situation and ask him what would make him most comfortable. It is possible that he may be more conciliatory if he is given the change to be magnanimous towards the estranged parts of your family. On the other hand, if your uncle is not invited, the reasons will hardly come as a surprise to anyone involved.

Ideally, you'd set up a situation where you'd avoid inviting your uncle's children and not your uncle, or doing anything that could be perceived as a slight and create protracted problems with this lost side of the family, so consider some alternatives. Perhaps it would be easier for you not to invite any of them to your wedding and instead having a separate celebratory dinner or brunch with them somewhere other than your father's yard.

People care a lot about turf, and since you are marrying on your father's property, it would be best not to tax his generosity. Go to your father, tell him about your predicament, offer him your solutions and see what he says.

You can't always make everyone happy, but you should be able to negotiate a way to ease some of this discomfort.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:42 AM    <link>

MATERNAL MANIPULATION

Dear Elise,

My fiancee and I have been together for seven years and have been engaged for almost three. We live on the east coast where we we just finished renovating a building that will be our business and our home. My father lives another country, her parents on the west coast, and my mother ia 30 minutes away.

We've known that to avoid the complications and hassle of a huge affair, we would whittle down our "wedding" to spontaneous run to NYC City Hall accompanied by two witnesses--my sister and her close friend. All of the close family members, mothers and fathers, knew about our plan except my mother. When I told her, she collapsed. She practically screamed in agony and then drove away with her husband. She says she feels "excluded" and "pained" and then said: "you don't live in a vacuum, how could you deprive me of one of the few joys in life. I only have a few years left." Now, until this moment we have had a very loving relationship, but I am overwhelmed with the pain our decision is causing her. I told her we might as well invite her to do our taxes next year, for all the stake we put in the actual event. We have been committed to each other for years, and for us, going to city hall is more of a practical formality than the consumation of an idea.

We are in a bind, because we instinctively believe that this day is ours, not hers. But I don't want to cause her so much pain. Inviting her would open the can of worms we've been trying to calmly circumvent. Help!

Thanks.

Wit's End

Dear Wit's End,

Your mother is holding you hostage. I’m sorry for that and sorry that she can't see beyond some abstract notion of what nuptials are to help make things easier on you.

Your plan is a good on and suits the etiquette issues you're facing very well. . . except for the problem of your mother, and this goes beyond the standard issues of comportment. Perhaps now that the shock of your decision has worn off, you can speak with her calmly. Ask her to be complicit with you, help you in your efforts to keep the peace. You may have to give something up here and offer her the opportunity to throw a party for you or celebrate somehow on her own terms. Perhaps you can even enlist her husband to help you.

It is probably tempting to cater to your mother, assuming of course that you won't bring down a world of jealousy and recriminations from your more cooperative relatives. (There is an element of convenience, of course, in that she is the only parent who lives close to you.) But you risk alienating people who don't deserve it, and treating your mother with something that smacks of "favoritism" will give her considerable power.

I wish there were some sort of reason-inducing incantation I could give you, but the only thing to do is to support your mother, be as interested in her "pain" as you can be, and give her some options for ways she can lay a claim to your wedding, which is what she's really asking to do. It is otherwise in your best interests to stand firm and treat all the parents gently, respectfully and equally.

I am sorry again.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:57 PM    <link>

GRANDMA WON'T GO

Dear Elise,

My mother-in-law won't come to her granddaughter's wedding. She is using her poor health as an excuse.

First she said she couldn't sit for the pre-ceremony photo session. Then she said she couldn't walk around. When I said we should take her wheelchair, she started complaining about having to take her oxygen (which she usually only uses at night) and when I said that wouldn't be a problem she complained that she couldn't be around smokers with her oxygen. I told her people won't be smoking in the church anyway and than gave up.

How do I tell my husband and my daughter that she doesn't want to go to the wedding? I don't want the day ruined.

Thank you,

The Negotiator

Dear Negotiator,

This is not an etiquette question, really. This is a family matter, and you'll have to use a different sort of protocol to get to the heart of matters.

Ask yourself a few questions. Why are you in the position of having to talk your husband's mother into attending your daughter's wedding? Why doesn't your husband talk to her? What sort of relationship does your daughter have with her grandmother? If they are close, perhaps they could speak to each other.

Why would your mother-in-law be so reluctant to attend this wedding? Is she concerned that her health issues make her less than presentable? Is she worried about her physical state? Is she depressed?

You can't force your mother-in-law to attend the wedding, but you can encourage her to talk to your daughter directly about her absence. If you really don't want to have to be the bearer of bad tidings, you don't have to do it. Tell your mother-in-law that she will have to explain to your daughter that she can't go to the wedding. Perhaps your daughter can convince her that her physical limitations are nothing compared to how important her presence will be.

The day won't be ruined if your mother-in-law doesn't attend the wedding, but her absence will be felt. Let her know that you won't be the middleman anymore and she should deal with your daughter directly. You are not her keeper, so let her take care of her business, and be ready to support your daughter if she is disappointed.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:23 AM    <link>

WHETHER TO WEAR WHITE

Dear Elise,

I am the Maid of Honor in my best friend's wedding. I am aware of the etiquette rules against wearing white to a wedding, but I am not clear if this rule also applies to other events. What about the engagement party? I recently, purchased a really cute white dress. Would it be inappropriate to wear white to a summertime, poolside engagement party?

-Maid in Miami

Dear Maid,

The protocols for white shift around (everyone is apparently saying that you can wear it after Labor Day, for instance) especially this season where the fashion cognoscenti are throwing all sorts of white outfits our way, convincing us that we won't pour coffee and berry desserts into our laps.

You are, of course, right that one really shouldn't wear white to a wedding unless one is the bride or has been commanded to by the wedding couple (there are occasionally "black and white" themed weddings- a nod perhaps to Truman Capote's 1966 black and white ball?).

The engagement party, and a poolside affair at that, is a different story. While there are no specific rules about dress color at engagement parties, you are wise to be worried. You know your friend, the bride, best and surely have an idea of how sensitive she is to protocol (even imaginary protocol). If you are at all worried that she would react badly, wear something else. At a certain point, even if there is no "rule" that would be dented or broken, it is best just to follow your instincts. Some people care very much about these things, others don't.

So take counsel with yourself. Here is a situation where actual rules help less than a clear understanding of your friend's feelings.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:50 AM    <link>

BACHELORETTE GUEST LIST

Dear Elise,

I am planning my best friend's bachelorette party, and I was wondering if it would be okay to invite girls that were not invited to the wedding. I don't want my friend to feel uncomfortable while at the party because she didn't invite someone.

Thanks for your help!

Organizer

Dear Organizer,

I've said it before, I'll say it again: etiquette on bachelor and bachelorette parties is floppy, at best. In this case, policy is really immaterial. The only safe way for you to answer your question is to check with the bride. She will surely have firm opinions about whether or not non-wedding guests should be included in the bachelorette party.

Because this is not a shower there is some of flexibility, but the invitation issues reside with the bride and probably depend on the size of the wedding, how she thinks her friends would feel about being invited to one event and not another, how she would feel during the party itself, etc.

If you are at all in doubt or for some reason can't ask the bride (because it is a surprise party, perhaps) then err on the side of comfort and only invite people who were asked to the wedding.

You want to have a fun and relaxing evening and this is absolutely the moment where safety is key.


Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:25 AM    <link>

FAMILY PLANS & WEDDING DATE

Dear Elise:

After finally choosing a venue for our destination wedding, we wrestled over the date for ages before we wound up with one that worked well for everyone (including two close relatives who were previously unable to attend).

Then we realized that our new date is my fiance's nephew's birthday. He is very young but our venue is close to a Disney location, which would be fun for him, and I figured he could have a party before or after his actual birthday.

I emailed my fiance's brother about this and he wrote back saying that he and his wife want to have the party on their son's birthday, and added that if we got married on the day we selected that plane tickets would be very expensive.

I thought he was rude, but I didn't say anything. My future brother-in-law's own wedding anniversary is the same month and now I don't feel as if I can secure ANY other date in that month because I would risk "forcing" them to travel on their wedding anniversary or spend more money than they want to. I've already emailed to ask them their wedding anniversary date to avoid that biting me in the back later.

Should I feel like I'm being inconsiderate to them? Or, are they being inconsiderate to me by telling us that they would be "disappointed" if we chose this date. I worry that they will complain no matter what date we choose.

Please put me back on track,

Distracted by Dissenters

Dear Distracted,

Your future relatives may very well complain no matter what you do. They might just be complainers and expecting anything different of them will just lead to disappointment.

You have been diligent and respectful of your fiance's brother's issues, but if you ask a question, you always must be prepared to get an answer you might not be happy to hear. Your future brother-in-law is entitled to be honest about his plans for his son. Who knows why he had to comment on the ever-shifting price of plane tickets? Maybe he was setting the stage for not being able to attend. Maybe he thought he was being helpful (in a not helpful way). Perhaps he's just a lousy and abrupt correspondent.

Regardless, you've done all you need to do as far as these relatives are concerned. Now you can proceed with your plans and not worry about checking with anyone about anything. If he complains about airfare, tell him that, as he knows, you had a lot of schedules to accommodate and this is the date that works out best for everyone and move on.

You've done a lot of work and this should earn you a little freedom. From now on, let your fiance deal with his family's schedules.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:47 AM    <link>

GUEST LIST BULLIES

Dear Elise,

My fiance's family wants to control our wedding- especially the guest list. The latest issue is that his sister says that it was rude of my fiance not to invite her best friends, and her husband's parents. We have a very limited capacity for our reception, so we can't keep adding people.

Unfortunately, my fiance's family is very hard on him and is ruining the enjoyment of planning a wedding.

Is it really proper etiquette to invite one's sibling's best friends and in-laws to one's wedding?

We are footing the bill for most of our wedding expenses. My parents are contributing a little, but his parents have said that they won't help us financially because we live together. Was it wrong not to list any of our parents' names on the invitation (mine don't care).

Is there anything I can tell my fiance to make him realize that his family's bad attitude is not his fault?

They're Ridiculous

Dear TR,

To dispense quickly with your questions: there is absolutely no conventional wedding guest list policy requiring that the wedding couple's siblings need to invite their own entourages. You aren’t responsible for maintaining their social circles and they can certainly make small talk with new people and family members for a few hours.

As for your invitations, the standard formal approach is to name the hosts. This isn't a list of credits for people who have contributed; it is merely a way of indicating from whom the invitation is coming. It doesn't sound as if your fiance's parents would want to be acknowledged in this way, so in fact, not naming them on your wedding invitation is completely in keeping with their behavior. If they are miffed about not being listed, just tell them that you didn't think that was something they wanted.

So neither of you has done anything wrong from an etiquette standpoint. It sounds as if you and your fiance have been flexible with his parents about the guest list and other wedding issues, so they can't even suggest that you are being petty.

Your fiance will have to find a way to figure out how to handle his family. He hasn't done anything wrong, but it won't do any good to explain this to them. What he needs to do is keep in mind that he isn't indebted to them. He can be respectful without acquiescing to their demands. Tell him that when they complain he should let them know that he's sorry they're upset, but that you won't be changing your plans. Accommodating them won't make your fiance's family easier on him, so doing things his way can't really make matters worse. It will only show his parents that he is a grown up, capable of compromise, but only to a point.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:45 AM    <link>

HOW TO SAY THANK YOU

Dear Elise,

Can you give some suggested wording for thank-you notes for bridal shower gifts?

Thank you!

- Without Words

Dear WW

There are all kinds of ways to write thank you notes, not just for bridal shower presents, but for all kinds of things. First, put away the notion that there is a specific format for shower present thanks. A thank you note is its own entity, regardless of its pretext. Generally, the best missives are brief, contain a personal detail or two, an original acknowledgment of the present, and don't sound as if they were generated by a computer program.

One potential format is to begin by thanking the gift-giver for coming to the shower. You could throw in a zinger about of the events here, if you like. Then turn to the matter at hand: tell your friend or relative how much you appreciate whatever it is you received, and drop in a line about what it means to you or how you can't wait to: use that implement/read that book/etc.

Don't be nervous. These are short notes and brevity will help preserve a sense of formality, so all you really need to think about is writing something that is warm and personable- something beyond the standard letter small children write to grandparents ("Dear Grandma and Grandpa, Thank you for the sweater. I will wear it when it gets cold.")

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:19 AM    <link>

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