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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Monday, July 31, 2006

CARDED AT WEDDING

Dear Elise,

I just went to my cousin's wedding at a hotel. Since this is the first wedding I've been to since turning 21, I wanted to have a celebratory drink and my mom told me not to worry about bringing my purse with my ID, since "they don't card private parties." Well, she was wrong. They carded at the open bar and when we got to the table, the waiters took away the wine glasses if the guest did not have ID (having parents who could vouch for me was not enough). While the waiter at my table took my glasses, he said, "You can't have any wine because you are too little to drink." This angered me so much that I snapped at him to let him know he was wrong. A waiter even yelled at my mom for giving me a sip of her wine!

I understand the need to stop underage drinking, but I thought weddings were exempt since they are private celebrations and don't sell drinks. Is the law starting to crack down on drinking at private weddings? Even my parents were caught off-guard by this, so was this not a typical example? And did the waiters have to be so rude?

Never Forgetting My ID Again

Dear Never Forgetting,

I'm afraid your question falls quite some distance outside the umbrella of etiquette.

In this case, you are entirely right that your mother was wrong. The hotel was doing what it had to do to protect itself.

The short answer is that, while laws can vary from state to state, no establishment should provide minors with alcoholic beverages, whether the minors are paying for them or not. Hotels and restaurants can lose their liquor licenses by serving minors.

This is no sudden "crack down." The laws have been in place in most of the United States for some time and apply generally to establishments that have liquor licenses and serve alcohol, no matter who pays.

As for the relative civility of the waitstaff, it is true that the waiters should not have gotten nasty, but I suspect these folks were getting a certain amount of flak from all of the folks who showed up sans ID. Perhaps they had reached their limit of arguing. Remember, in this circumstance, they would be the ones to get in trouble for your drinking, not you or your parents. If they were to let you drink, they would be putting their jobs and the establishment at risk.

This seems like a minor quibble to you, I realize, but in this case they were enforcing the law and to that end, you are right. Take your ID with you.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:58 PM    <link>

INVITE HIM?

Dear Elise,

My stepmother's son is 16 years old and lives at home with my stepmother and my father. Should I invite him to my wedding?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Well, it couldn't hurt.

It would be a generous, welcoming gesture that your father and his wife would absolutely appreciate.

This is especially the case if you're inviting other children, or teenage relatives. There's no reason not to include your stepbrother and can only make you look good in the long run.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:17 PM    <link>

FASHION CLASH

Dear Elise,

My fiance refuses to wear pants to our wedding. He only wants to wear jeans.

How could he dress it up and still be cool? He is a tattooed biker guy and says he just doesn't feel comfortable in any pants other than jeans. I am wearing a full ball gown. Please help! I don't want him to be uncomfortable but I would like for him to be himself and still be dressed up special for the occasion. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Punk Princess

Dear Punk Princess,

I'm afraid this isn't really a question about etiquette so much as it is about fashion. I can tell you that there are rules for formal weddings and that there are times of day when men should wear a morning coat (formal daytime) or white tie (very formal evening) or black tie. . . but you aren't asking about strict etiquette. You want to know how to make your fiance presentable.

Are you having a collision of philosophies? Does he know how important it is to you that he wear something more formal than jeans? If you've discussed this and he is still clinging to his aesthetic, you're probably best off embracing the probability that you will be wearing a ball gown and he will be in jeans and perhaps you can embrace the "high/low" aesthetic. You can ask him to wear new, clean ones, but really, it is ultimately his decision to wear jeans. He knows how he wants to look for his wedding, just as you know how you want to look. The best you can do for each other is for you to accept the other's choices and, as long as they are made with respect for the wedding and for each other, then you're in good shape.

There may be fashion experts out there with notions of how to make jeans more formal, and feel free to write in with any ideas you might have, but those hints, however helpful, are more about style than etiquette.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:13 AM    <link>

MOTHER VS. STEPMOTHER: GUESTLIST BLACKMAIL

Hi Elise -

I'm in a quandary.

My relationship with my mother has been difficult since my father remarried. He has since died. My parents divorced about 16 years ago, and to this day, my mother blames the divorce on my stepmother, who has become a real close and supportive friend to me.

I'm getting married and recently advised my mother that I intend to ask my stepmother to attend.

She in turn told me that she would not attend.

This has ignited a firestorm between my sisters and me. Most of them feel it would be wrong of me to invite my stepmother and I suspect that at least one won't come as well because of this.

I'm having a hard time knowing what is the best thing to do in this situation.

I want to honour my relationship with both my father and my stepmother by inviting her to witness this supposedly happy occasion. But I'm feeling increasingly like I am being selfish and mean by wanting my mother to put aside her feelings of hatred and bitterness for a day.

I don't know what to do.

Signed,

Caught in the Middle (yet again)

Dear Caught,

There is much you don't describe in your letter, including the obvious question of what your stepmother is to your mother. Is she the woman who married your father some time after his marriage split or is she the dragon lady who pulled your family apart? The answer to that question will surely play a part in how you think about your family, your mother's reaction and your decision. The answer to that question will not change the principals of etiquette, but this is a question more than anything of family.

It is also unclear from your letter if you have already made the invitation or are trying to decide what to do.

At bottom, if you are hosting your wedding, you are entitled to invite anyone you like. Fair enough. But you have been warned (by your mother and your siblings) that your stepmother's presence will bring about a violent reaction. Would you rather have your mother and your sisters present at your wedding or your stepmother? It is possible you can't have both, and if your mother and sisters boycott your wedding, would you feel differently about your plan to honor your father and stepmother?

While you can absolutely ask your family to try to be grown up and face your father's widow for a couple of hours for an event that is important to you, it may be a losing proposition.

Only you can measure how much your choices will cost you. Etiquette isn't at issue here. Your mother and sisters want to see your loyalty and your giving in to them would never erase your feelings for your stepmother.
If you have already invited your stepmother, you are in a truly difficult position. It would be reasonable for you to tell your mother and sisters that you can't bring yourself to disinvite your stepmother, or at least talk to them about what they are asking you to do. Perhaps you can assure them that you will seat your stepmother far away from them and that you will do everything in your power to make sure she doesn't mix with your family. If you arm yourself with compromises, they may be able to bend just enough.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:12 AM    <link>

PRESENT PARITY

Hello Elise:

I’ve been married several months now and recently both my sister and my brother-in-law announced their engagements. We'll be attending both weddings later this year. The problem is gift giving.

My sister gave us a ridiculously generous check as our wedding present, and also made a number of other wonderful, thoughtful gestures (she picked up the bar tab at the after-rehearsal-dinner-party and threw an after-wedding party for 30 of our friends). My brother-in-law gave us a lovely gift and was generous with his time and energy in every way, traveling several hours to be present for the wedding weekend.

Now we have to buy gifts for them and I feel really confused. My husband and I cannot match my sister's financial generosity, though I would like to do something significant for her, such as buy a piece of furniture, as well as spend the week prior to the wedding helping her as she helped me. And I would like to do something nice for his brother, though not equal to what I want for my sister. I would like to be more generous to my sister, in part in reflection of her generosity to us, but also because we are incredibly close, where my husband and his brother are not very close. But this seems unfair to suggest to my husband, that my sister deserves more than his brother.

What is best in a situation such as this?

Thanks!

Sibling Weddings

Dear SW,

Do you expect your sister and your husband's brother will get together and compare their presents? Is it likely they will each keep track of the hours you dedicated to helping them on their weddings? The chances of that happening are quite remote, and your choice of presents will be governed by many factors beyond money.

It sounds simple to say: "Do what feels comfortable," but that is really what you must do. You want to help your sister and spend a lot of time with her for her wedding. That is reasonable and you should not feel obliged to do the same for your brother-in-law. If your husband wants to help his brother out in a similar way, that's his choice to make.

Ultimately, you and your husband should try to look at the weddings as isolated incidents, because they really are. Rather than going to your husband and saying: "I want to give my sister something that costs twice as much as what we're giving your brother," you could simply talk about what you'd like to do for your sister. When his brother's wedding comes up, see what he would like to do.

There is no protocol about giving presents or donating time for weddings, and you are certainly not required to measure your offerings with a financial micrometer.

Do what feels appropriate. You and your husband have different relationships to your siblings and present-giving isn't really about an equal exchange of goods.

Have wonderful times with your families.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:58 AM    <link>

SKIPPING SIBLINGS

Elise,

My boyfriend and I have been discussing our wedding plans. I know it is appropriate to invite immediate family members, however my boyfriend's brother and sisters have ridiculed me, called me names, and accused me of things I didn't do (my boyfriend and I agree that it's because his parents liked me and not his siblings' spouses.)

His father has passed away, and now his mother is siding with his siblings on everything and allowing the slander to go on. We have been planning a nice outdoors wedding with family, but neither of us wants his siblings there now, because their ridicule of me has escalated so much.

We worry that we may have to get married in front of a judge because it would be improper for us to not invite his siblings. Is it ok to not invite people in the immediate family? Aren't weddings about making the couple happy? The presence of my fiance's siblings wouldn't make us happy at all. I know my boyfriend doesn't want to step on his family's toes but he would rather see me not get hurt anymore. Do you have any advice?

Thanks,

Sibling Rivalry

Dear SR,

First, I must disabuse you of some confusion. No matter who your guests are, anyone who is licensed in your state can marry you. Why on earth would you not be able to get married in a house of worship if you exclude your boyfriend's brother and sisters from the guest list? People elope and have religious ceremonies all the time and their marriages are perfectly legitimate. I should also add here, that getting married with a judge officiating is hardly unofficial or shameful. No matter whom you invite, you can have any officiant you choose perform your wedding.

Now you still have the problem of what to do about your fiance's siblings. Of course it is standard to invite the immediate families of both the bride and groom, but if there is as much anger and resentment as you suggest, maybe you're better off keeping things pared down. From an etiquette perspective, you're on safest ground if you either invite all siblings or exclude all siblings. This prevents the kind of finger pointing in which people love to engage. To this end, it is good that you want to exclude all of your boyfriend's brothers and sisters though you may get some flak if you invite your own (assuming you have any).

What you really need to measure is whether it is so important to you to keep these people away from you at your wedding that you are willing to create a situation where they and your future mother-in-law will be able to complain about being left out for all of eternity. Maybe this doesn't bother you and you're angry enough not to care about your future relationships with any of them. I can't tell. But make not mistake, if you exclude them, you will be making a Grand Meaningful Gesture that will have lasting implications.

So really, you can go either way, and there are advantages and disadvantages to inviting them or making them stay home. But take comfort in this: if you do invite your boyfriend's siblings, and if they behave badly at your wedding, they are the ones who are going to look like idiots.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:43 AM    <link>

LATE INVITES?

Dear Elise,

I am getting married in about 6 weeks. This past weekend I was at my cousin's wedding and bumped into two great aunts and realized I forgot to invite them. I do not see them very much at all but had I remembered them, I would have certainly invited them to my wedding.

We have already sent save-the-date cards and our invitations. My question is, should my family call and politely apologize for the oversight and ask them if they would attend or is it too late to invite them altogether? The issue is not one of space - I just hate to think that they would feel like an oversight.

Thanks!

Dropped the Ball

Dear Dropped,

You may be blushing, but you're not too late. You're on the inside edge of the window for mailing invitations, so you can absolutely put them in the mail to your great aunts. If you are concerned about the lateness, you can call them and tell them how much you would like them to come.

Correcting simple oversights is underrated. Embrace your mistake and run, don't walk, to set things right.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:32 AM    <link>

INVITING A GHOST

Dear Elise,

My fiance met me shortly after his wife passed away. They had a wonderful 20 plus years of marriage and have 3 grown children. He feels very guilty about meeting me so soon after her death and feels strongly about mentioning his wonderful marriage to her as part of our wedding ceremony. He even wants to mention her name twice.

I really don't want her name to be part of our wedding ceremony. This is OUR wedding and if she is the subject of the ceremony, I think the guests would wonder what was going on and be distracted from our wedding. I am very sympathetic to his loss, which was over 3 1/2 years ago, but I feel that this should be OUR day. I suggested that the officant could mention that he had a wonderful marriage and is moving to a new life, but is it necessary to bring her name into the ceremony? I feel sick over this. What are your thoughts?

Ceremony Issues

Dear CI,

Of course you feel compromised. Your future husband has invited a ghost to your wedding. Including a discussion of his first wife is indeed awkward.

This is an etiquette question of the most delicate kind. Your future husband is inserting a former lover into the text of your marriage, and while you happily acknowledge his first wife's presence in his consciousness, there is no need for her to take a place of significance in your vows. There should be other ways for him to assuage his feelings of guilt.

Rather than draw a line in the sand you may want to talk to your fiance about some kind of compromise. It is perfectly fair for you to let him know what is and is not comfortable for you. Most people who marry for a second time don't feel obliged to mention the previous marriage in the wedding ceremony itself. But if you truly have no problem with this, you can say that you won't mind having your officiant mention your fiance's previous happy marriage in passing, but you do not want your ceremony to be haunted by a discussion or even a mention of his first wife's name.

If you feel that you need to offer your fiance an opportunity to acknowledge his first wife, suggest that he give a toast at the reception saying that he had a happy marriage that gave him his wonderful children and how excited he is that you have joined his family and extended his good fortune. That way he is acknowledging her while giving you credit for the life you have together.

I am sorry you have to face the specter of your predecessor in this way. It does sound as if your fiance has quite a bit of unresolved guilt, but that is something he should deal with privately with or without a counselor of some sort (and with or without your participation as well). Including his first wife in the ceremony will only complicate a delicate situation. Marriage vows are not meant to be biographies. They are contracts administered by an officiant and witnessed by people who love the bride and groom. There should be no room for anything conditional or hurtful.

Congratulations.

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:41 AM    <link>

DIVIDING RINGS

Dear Elise,

The marriage is over after 4 months. I paid several thousand dollars for her ring and she paid substantially less for mine. She wants each of us to pay the other one half the purchase price and that we keep our respective rings. This would make her ring that she is to keep 5 times the price of mine. What would be more fair?

Sorting It Out

Dear Sorting,

This isn't really an etiquette question. If you're inquiring about strict manners, you'd each keep your respective rings and set about separating the rest of your lives. As it happens, that is the legal answer as well.

But you are wondering about fairness, which is a different matter entirely. I have to admit, I have no idea what your soon-to-be-ex-wife's plan is supposed to do for you two. It is confusing and ultimately not really helpful. If you want everything to be absolutely fair, both of you should sell your rings and split the cash.

At this point, however, you and she probably have enough animosity built up that you'll be happiest if you cut all your losses and be happy that you don't have to worry about negotiating assets that would be harder to divide or forget about.

I'm very sorry that you're faced with this problem, but the best way out is to take the path of least pain.

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:08 AM    <link>

BRIDESMAID DRESS ULTIMATUMS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are in a wedding. All of the bridesmaids gave her our measurements so she could place the order and we paid her for our dresses.

The dresses arrived, and mine doesn't fit (it is tight, in spite of the fact that I lost weight since I measured myself), and something is wrong with the zipper. I told the bride about these problems. She said of her four bridesmaids, only one dress fits and said we could either get the dresses tailored, all purchase another gown in a similar style or step down from the wedding party.

The dresses cannot be returned or exchanged, which she knew when she ordered them. I'm not sure the dress can be let and I can't afford to buy another dress.

I talked to the bride and then she called my fiance so that he could "mediate." How can I solve the problem of the dress, and how can I address the bride? What is the fair thing for me to do?

Signed,

Trying to Do the Right Thing

Dear Trying,

The problem is a physical one: you have to get the dress in order. All of your angst can be eliminated with that fix alone, so your first stop should be at a tailor's. Putting in a new zipper is not usually a complicated or expensive prospect and there are possibly some ways to let the dress out. Don't dismiss this solution out of hand until you've gotten some concrete answers from a professional. Your problems may all go away.

If all hope is lost for the dress, you still have some choices. What are the other bridesmaids will dresses that don't fit doing? Surely they all need to get to a tailor as well. If you and the other bridesmaids have dresses that are suitably formal and similar in style to the one that the bride picked, would you consider asking the bride if she would mind having mismatched bridesmaids?

All of you have a practical problem to deal with, and the important thing to do at this moment is to attack that issue, not each other. See if the dresses can be altered, see if the bride is flexible about dresses, and don't let your fiance be the go-between.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:34 PM    <link>

DATE SWAP

Dear Elise,

My wife invited a co-worker and her husband to our daughter's wedding. The co-worker told my wife that her husband will not attend but she will bring her nephew instead. We don't have any idea who this person is. Why should we invite someone just because our guest wants to bring him?
I told my wife that this is not acceptable and that the invitation was husband and wife, not if someone can't make it invite anyone you want. This could hold true for anyone; relative, close friend, etc.

Thank you,

Can You Do That?

Dear CYDT,

Your feelings are indeed appropriate. Generally speaking, wedding invitations are not casual and unless one is invited to bring an unnamed "guest" one is really stuck with the date whose name appears on the envelope.

There is always flexibility, of course, and approach is everything. It wouldn't have been a criminal or even blush-worthy act for your wife's colleague to call and ask if she would be able to come with her nephew since her husband is unavailable. This is the sort of thing one would only do if one were close to one's hosts, and prepared not only to be told "no," but to put on a good face when attending the wedding solo (or bow out without resentment). In the past, asking to substitute may have been considered beyond the pale, but there is no harm in making the request. The only problem is presuming that you can simply substitute anyone you please, as your wife's colleague did. This is not the right thing to do.

So, you have a decision to make. Do you call your wife's co-worker and tell her that she can't come with her nephew, or do you let this slide? Clearly she has abused your invitation, but it isn't yours to educate her on the finer points of etiquette. Decide what you want to do: have her come with the nephew or without him. You can ask her to attend solo.

Once you have made up your mind, square yourself with your choice. If you decide to accept her substitution, banish any ideas of correcting her or being cool to her nephew from your mind. Once he is a guest, he's a guest. As for not knowing him at all, unless your daughter is having a very small wedding there are probably several people you won't know particularly well on the guest list (spouses and the like). And if you need consolation, consider this: the unknowns can be rather comforting, since you won't feel so guilty when you don't have a chance to chat them up.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:40 AM    <link>

CHRISTENING PRESENTS?

Dear Elise,

Is it appropriate (or expected) to bring a gift for a christening?

Thank you,

Curious Guest

Dear CG,

In a word, yes. It is absolutely appropriate to bring presents to christenings. This isn't one of those situations where one would be remiss to arrive empty handed, but it is gracious. Usually, only close friends and family are invited to christening celebrations so it is a nice gesture to come with some kind of present or a card.

The gift itself doesn't have to be lavish. Babies often receive clothes, infant toys, a blanket, or books. If you are not interested, you certainly don't have to fall for the whole silver spoon tradition. All you're really doing if offering something a heartfelt welcome to this kid.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:02 AM    <link>

BUT THEY INTRODUCED US

Hi Elise,

I am trying to decide whether or not to invite the two mutual friends who introduced me to my fiance. We're trying to keep the ceremony small, not only for financial reasons, and we really only want to include those who are very close to us in our special day.

So why NOT invite the people who introduced us? They're troublemakers. I'm afraid they will draw a lot of attention to themselves and tell the other guests inappropriate stories about my and my finance's respective lives before we met.

However, I can't help but give credit where credit is due. On top of my own divided feelings, these friends WANT to come to the wedding. They heard about the engagement through the grapevine, even though we haven't seen each other in a few years. My fiance is ambivalent about inviting these two.

If I don't invite them, how do I let them down without creating drama? That's the last thing I need right now!

Signed,

No Drama, Please

Dear NDP,

First of all, you do realize that your friends' bad behavior belongs to them and them alone, don't you? Anything "scandalous" they might choose to blab about at your wedding would only make them look ridiculous and pitiable and wouldn't reflect at all on you. I point this out only because it is impossible to control the mouths of all of your guests, not in hopes of convincing you to invite your friends. That is your decision entirely.

If you truly haven't spoken or seen each other in years, you certainly have reasonable reasons for not inviting these friends, regardless of their symbolic significance in your relationship. You have drifted apart and have lost touch. If they ask, you can absolutely tell them the truth: you're having a really intimate ceremony and the guests will mostly be family members. You don't need to elaborate or concoct elaborate excuses or let them play upon your conscience. There are probably plenty of other people you won't be able to invite for reasons of space and economy, so chances are you'll have to trot out this line a few times anyway.

At bottom, you'll have to come to peace with the idea of not inviting these friends of yours. You can turn them down swiftly and easily as long as you don't try to conjure complicated excuses and waffle endlessly. There is no rule that states one must invite the people who introduced the bride and groom to each other, so your inclinations are nostalgic.

Whatever you decide to do is perfectly fine, so take counsel with your fiance, and don't look back.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:35 AM    <link>

PAY FOR SON'S FIANCEE?

Dear Elise,

My wife's son moved out of state a year ago and moved in with a woman he met online to live a girl he met online about a year before that. He's hardly been in contact, and we don't even know what this girl looks like. They are now engaged, but haven't picked a wedding date.

My wife offered to fly him out to visit us at our expense, and he is going out of his way to make sure that his girlfriend also comes out, also at our expense. He doesn't seem to want to come at all unless she comes with him. We had promised to do some fun (and expensive) things with him, and to take him shopping, etc. since we haven't seen him in so long.

His feelings are hurt, and he thinks we are angry or upset with him because we don't want to pay for her airline ticket and a hotel room for the two of them. (If he came alone, he'd stay on our couch.) We know she's also expecting us to spend money on her shopping trips and fun activities. Basically, double all expenses for us, and a free get-away for them.

Is there a way to explain that we're not mean people because we don't want to pay for her ticket when we've never met her and spoken about a dozen words to her on the phone? Is something wrong with her or their relationship that she would rather encourage him not to visit his mother at all if we don't fly her out with him?

Don't Know What to Say

Dear Don't Know,

This isn't an etiquette question, but I think the fact that your stepson is engaged is making you feel a bit confused.

The short answer is this: you aren't under any obligation to pay for your son's girlfriend's expenses, but you can make an effort to make her feel welcome, since she will apparently be joining your family. This will certainly feel awkward at first, because you don't really know her, but you do have to start somewhere.

You aren't mean if you don't pay for everything, but your wife should explain her position to her son. She is happy to pay for his ticket and he is welcome to stay with you if he comes alone. If his girlfriend comes with him, though, you just don't have room to accommodate both of them and you can't afford her plane ticket but you'd be happy to do some research and find some affordable hotels. (There are plenty of variations you can also offer here too, such as paying for her plane ticket and letting them deal with their accommodations themselves. All of this depends on your abilities.)

As far as meals and activities go, again, you should try to welcome her, which may mean treating her to a few meals or buying her the odd ticket to an activity, but all of this is flexible and should be handled reasonably. (And you certainly are not required to treat her to a shopping spree.) If you can't afford to pay for her all the time, you and your wife need to make that clear to your stepson ahead of time. Be very explicit and spell things out. Explain that you are looking forward to meeting her and would love for her to visit, but you can't pay for everything.

What is unreasonable about that? I agree that you and your wife may feel on the verge of being used, but don't let these feelings get away from you. Draw clear lines about how much you can spend and let your stepson know what they are. He can't take advantage of you unless you let him and you'll never be able to buy anyone's love, when it comes down to it.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:51 AM    <link>

FAVORING

Dear Elise,

Is it bad manners not to give wedding guests favors? I've always understood that the bride and groom are supposed to give each of their guests a little something to take home, like a box of candies or some flowers.

My fiance and his family are really against giving away any favors, on the grounds that we're already treating everyone to food and celebration. I really don't care either way, but I'd like to make sure we're not violating some wedding etiquette rule that will cause resentment in the future.

Thanks!

To Favor or Not to Favor

Dear Favor or Not,

There are really only two reasons to give out favors at your wedding: 1: you want to 2: you feel a strong cultural or familial imperative to do it. If you're not feeling either of those pressures, then banish favors from your mind. They aren't necessary.

A number of cultures (certainly Italian and Greek but there are others) give packets of sugared almonds to guests, and there are other traditions of giving out little collectible items, but for the most part, contemporary wedding favors are disposable niceties that you can easily forego.

In response to a flurry of quizzical letters about favors, I conducted a little poll in 2005, asking people to comment on what they thought "good" favors would be. The list, as you can see, is slim.

So scratch that task off your list and furrow your brow in another direction.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:13 AM    <link>

SAVE THE DATE CARDS, INVITATIONS & THE LIKE
Triple-Header

Dear Elise,

I sent out Save the Date emails to all my guests 6 months in advance because we are getting married in my home country, and most of the guests live the other side of the Atlantic. We also gave out the address for our wedding website where we've posted helpful (we hope!) information. Several guests have either RSVP-ed online or replied with definite answers by email. If a guest has already replied (and even booked flights in some cases) should we send a formal invitation anyway? What if someone declines?

And what if I do send out formal invitations to people who have already given me a definite yes and they don't reply for a second time? Presumably following up in that situation just becomes annoying?

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I also don't want to put people under pressure.

Thanks for your advice!

Stymied by Technology

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are trying to plan our wedding and I don’t know how to go about inviting people. What are save the dates cards really for? Are they a "heads up" type of thing where you are letting the person know that there is a wedding on the way? Or is it more complex than that? Are they the same as invitations? Most importantly, how many months away before the wedding is it appropriate to send them (save date/invitations)? Thank you for your time and advice.

Sincerely,

Clueless

Dear Elise,

My wedding planner tells me it might be considered rude to send invitations to our wedding more than 8 weeks in advance. Is this true? If so, can you explain the rationale?

Confused

Dear Clueless and Stymied and Confused,

The save the date / wedding invitation matrix only looks complicated because there are several kinds of stationery involved.

Save the date cards are a relatively new phenomenon. They used to be used primarily for events such as New Year's Eve parties, where it was important to send out some advance notice because that night tends to book up for everyone, but the stationery industry appears to have gotten involved in the wedding industry and decided that save the dates are a universal necessity.

The only information you really need to include on these cards is that: you're getting married, where you're getting married and your wedding date.

They come in handy for: holiday weddings, destination weddings (where people need to make vacation and travel plans), overseas weddings (such as yours, Stymied) and any event where one feels that guests could use a "heads up" beyond the usual six to eight-week lead time for sending out actual invitations. Beyond that, you don't necessarily need them.

Save the dates can take the form of printed cards that match your invitations, informal postcards, email announcements, or even telephone calls. They generally get sent about six months before the event- early enough to be useful but not so early as to be forgotten. (Though, again, if you feel your guests need more advance notice, you can send them earlier.)

One should send out wedding invitations to everyone who got a save the date notice. This means you must really know how many people you can invite because you can't give a lot of names the chop at the last minute without offending people. It is also good to send invitations to the people who indicated that they wouldn't be able to attend the wedding. You can't really lose by repeating the invitation. People's plans change and it is nice to keep them in mind. If you feel awkward about repeating the invitation to people who have already declined, you can always include a little note with the invitation saying you just want to make sure your friends know they would be welcome. It is one of those gestures that can't hurt, as a courtesy. And Stymied, don’t worry about sending a formal invitation to people who have already said they're coming. They will be expecting one.

Actual wedding invitations should contain a little more information, including the time of the ceremony and reception. If you're worried about how to plan invitation mailings, ask your caterer when he or she needs a final head count for your reception (this is usually a couple of weeks before the wedding). Add a couple of days and make that your R.S.V.P.-by date. Generally, invitations get posted six to eight weeks (on the very outside) before the wedding.

Confused, while sending out invitations early doesn't necessary qualify as "rude," it can be counterproductive. People tend to forget about events that are planned very far into the future. Unless they have to travel (in which case you probably sent out save the date cards or otherwise let your guests know about your plans) they really don't need more than six (or eight) weeks to make arrangements. At a certain point, too much advance notice just works against you and you'll be stuck calling people at the eleventh hour anyway.

This is all a lot of information. The easiest way to keep all of this invitation information in check is to remember that each piece of stationery exists to convey some piece of information. As long as you delivery your message clearly and in the right amount of time (for you and your guests) you'll be in great shape.


Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:02 AM    <link>

ARE SHRIMP NECESSARY?

Hi,

I'm starting to plan my wedding and have been thinking about the menu options our reception hall offers. Some of the hors d'oeuvres choices are shellfish-based. I am allergic to shrimp, crab and lobster. My mother insists that we choose at least one shrimp hors d'oeuvre as one of our 4 options, but I am seriously opposed to this because of my allergy. Why tempt disaster?

Am I being a baby for not wanting anyone to have shellfish because of my allergy? The last few mornings before I go to work, all I've heard is how disappointed "someone" will be if we don't serve them.

Thanks,

Allergic Bride

Dear Allergic,

Well, the real question here is: what do you want to do? You can certainly have a wedding reception without serving shrimp, crab or lobster, and I have yet to meet anyone who is incapable of enjoying himself simply because shellfish didn't make an appearance at a meal. Lobster and shrimp-free weddings happen all the time.

But this is an argument you're having with your mother. If you are willing to forego eating one of your appetizers and want to appease your mother, you could order one of the shellfish appetizers and stay away from it. Are you concerned that you might eat the shellfish by accident? Are you worried about cross-contamination in the kitchen? If so, you may want to talk to your caterer about your food restrictions and see what he or she says about food preparation if you were to have one shellfish appetizer AND if their kitchen poses any risks to you even if you don't include one. Or are you put out because you feel as if your mother is not taking your very real health concerns seriously?

Your mother may be speaking to you in code. Is she worried that the absence of shrimp cocktail will create the sense that you only selected inexpensive items? You could put this question to her and let her see how absurd it is to be so worried about the implications behind a single appetizer at a wedding reception. Talking with her about the big picture might help her see your perspective.

You can't do anything wrong with your choice. Do your research and then see how you feel. If you're still nervous, stick to your guns and talk to your mother about the risks; on the other hand, if you're comfortable that you will be safe, add a shrimp cocktail or something else easy to avoid and put the debate to rest.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:52 PM    <link>

HOW MUCH BRUNCH?

Hello Elise,

My fiance and I are having a daytime, Saturday wedding in Brooklyn and many of our guests are using our wedding as a chance to take a vacation. We are having a very small rehearsal dinner (immediate family and wedding party only), but I am now wondering what to do about the "goodbye brunch." I feel like a daytime wedding almost eliminates the need for a brunch 19 hours later. Personally, I hate post-wedding brunches- they are either too early (when I'd rather be sleeping), cut the day in half or make guests stick around when they would rather be on the road. I don’t like the never-ending feel of many weddings. I tend to feel an obligation to go.

That said, we want to have SOME type of brunch, but don’t know who to invite, who would host it (we plan on hosting), and what the invitation policy should be. What is the etiquette about this? Are guests annoyed if you don’t have one? A few people have made it clear they expect it. Logistically, we won't be able to invite a lot of people, and we don’t want people to feel like they have to come. We want to honor the out-of-towners without making them feel obligated to cut their own time short.

Signed,

To Brunch or Not to Brunch

Dear To B,

Perhaps encouraged by destination weddings, there is a new tendency to pack wedding weekends full of events. This is perfectly nice, but not necessary. Post-wedding brunches are indeed, optional.

But you say you want to have one. You're just feeling a little indecisive about how you want to handle it. Because your rehearsal dinner is so small, this would be a good opportunity for you to unwind and see some people in a more casual atmosphere.

First, decide on your crowd. You don't want to have a replay of your rehearsal dinner, but you also mention your need to keep the crowd manageable. So get focused and figure out what you want to do. Will you only invite people who are in from out-of-town or will you do something more inclusive but completely informal- a brunch with a cocktail party atmosphere so you don't have to worry about seating?

As far as people feeling obliged to go to your brunch, don't worry. Your guests, particularly those who have already made plans to tour New York City and its environs or who have to hightail it out of town, will be the best judges of whether or not they can attend and you are certainly not being rude or inconveniencing them by inviting them to a party. If they can't come, they won't. You can always emphasize the informality in your invitations.

I suspect part of your discomfort comes from your own dislike of the whole brunch practice. Remember, if you decide to have this party, not everyone feels as you do and even you may enjoy the chance to be at a party where you're not performing. Having said that you don't have to have this party. It is strictly optional. Traditionally, the wedding couple would have changed into traveling clothes and hit the road for their honeymoon before the champagne ran out at the wedding, so if you skip it, you're hardly violating any rules.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:07 AM    <link>

WHY INVITATIONS NEED TO SPELL IT OUT

Elise,

What is wrong with brides and invitations? I am single, and will attend 3 weddings this summer. All three brides sent an invitation addressed solely to me on both the outside and inside envelopes. Weeks after I RSVP'd, all three brides called to ask why I am not bringing a date. I would be much more comfortable with a date, but I know weddings are expensive and I would never bring a guest if not indicated to or even be so forward to call the bride and request to bring a guest.

What is the proper thing to do when the bride calls to inquire about my plans? Can I then offer that indeed I would like to bring a guest?

- Stuck at the Table Next to the Bar

Dear Stuck,

I really don't know what's going on with these brides and their guest lists. You clearly did the reasonable thing by RSVP-ing just for yourself. You clearly responded to the quiet "code" of invitations completely appropriately.

Your confusion is completely understandable, and your letter demonstrates quite clearly why wedding hosts need to be explicit with their invitations.

Now, it is unclear what your friends have in mind, but since they have asked you directly if you will be bringing someone you can absolutely say: "Oh, I didn't realize that the invitation was for me and a date. I would love to bring one if it is possible." Asking isn't rude, especially when your friends have given you an opening.

Whether they will take you up on your request and encourage you to bring a date is anyone's guess, but remember, these are your friends, they may have space they didn't think they had, or realized suddenly that you might like to have someone on your arm. Inquire gently, and if you discover that they didn't mean for you to take their overture seriously, try not to let them see what you're thinking.

Good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:11 PM    <link>

MOTHERS AND THE DANCE CARD

Dear Elise,

My wedding is coming up in a couple of months, and I'll preface my questions by telling you that my mother and my stepmother are both amazing women.

My birth mother raised me until I was 11, and did a great job. I moved in with my father and my stepmother when I was 11, and my stepmother had a major part in raising me since then. Needless to say I have been very lucky to have two terrific women raise me.

The only problem is that they absolutely do not get along with each other. My father and stepmother have been more involved with the wedding plans then my mother, but only because they're financially in a better position then my mom to help out. I would like to have a mother-son dance with each of them, but how do I split the dances up, so that they both feel equally important? Do I split a song 50/50 to dance with both of them? Do I have separate dances? If I have separate dances do they happen back to back, or at separate times in the night? Who do I dance with first?

I am also wondering how to tell my birth mother that I would also like to dance with my stepmom without her blowing a major gasket. I am sure that I am not the first one to have this problem.

Dazed and Confused

Dear Confused,

Divide and conquer. The safest way to deal with this dance situation is to come up with a plan that gives each of these women a chance to be in the spotlight with you. Once you have decided what you want to do, tell your mother and stepmother but don't invite discussion. You want to protect yourself and you want to protect them from each other, so neither should have a sense that either got treated with any kind of preference. You will be the decision maker here.

The best bet is to have two entirely separate dances and you could invite your mother and stepmother to collaborate with you on picking their songs. This way you have included them and given them some autonomy, but you haven't relinquished control over a touchy situation. As for who goes first, I think it would be fair for you to give preference to your biological mother, but then you should find a moment, perhaps after toasts or after cake cutting or at some other natural break in things to showcase your dance with your stepmother. You want to preserve everyone's good will and to do that you may have to do some coddling.

As for how to break the news to your mother, there's no way to control her reactions, but you can again, present your decision as a fait accompli and not open to negotiation. Telling her that your dance with her will be first and not back-to-back with the one you will do with your step-mother should give you some ammunition.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:57 AM    <link>

PRESENTS WHEN EVERYTHING GOES OFF WITHOUT ANYONE GETTING HITCHED

Dear Elise,

What is the proper thing to do with engagement gifts when the engagement has been terminated?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Yours is an unfortunate question indeed, but you are correct that there is a standard policy that conventional etiquette advises in the unpleasant event of broken engagements.

You asked, so here it is: the presents should be returned to the people who gave them with a little note of acknowledgement. These notes don't have to say much- just that the engagement has unfortunately been broken and you are returning the lovely item.

It is a sorry business, but consider what a drag it would be to have to keep using the teakettle that will only remind you of the former relationship.

Cheers,

...AND ON THE OTHER HAND...

Elise

If a marriage only last 3 months, is it proper to return wedding gifts? This includes cash gifts.

Thank you,

More Wondering

Dear MW,

This is going to sound like one of those technicalities like cops forgetting to Mirandize a suspect or searching his house without a warrant, but traditionally speaking the bride and groom are under no obligation to return wedding presents no matter how brief their marriage is. (The only possible exception is a case where the marriage is annulled on the spot.)

When you think about it, this is reasonable. The alternative is to invent weird rules. How many months would a couple have to be married for the marriage to really be legitimate? How would that be less arbitrary than deciding that the wedding itself is the stamp of approval that allows the wedding presents to stay put?

As a point of interest, in the ancient annals of etiquette, the (former) bride was the one to keep the wedding presents after the marriage has collapsed. This hardly seems fair. It would be more civilized to let cooler heads guide matters and divide everything up according to interest, need and means. The less vindictiveness there is, the better in an unfortunate situation.

You don't mention your interest in asking, but if you are a guest and wondering about your cash gift, think of it as a donation towards the future happiness of the bride or groom and be glad they won't torment each other for the ages.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:58 AM    <link>

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU HAVE BOTH: MAID & MATRON OF HONOR

Hi Elise,

I have two close female friends (who are close to each other as well). I am planning on having one serve as the matron of honor (I was her maid of honor), and the other will be my maid of honor. They are both important to me and I want them both to feel as if they have special roles. What usually happens when there is both a matron and maid of honor? Who traditionally stands closest to the bride during the ceremony?

Thanks!

Wrangling Maids

Dear Wrangling,

As you may have discovered, bridesmaid / maid of honor duties tend to be highly flexible. At the wedding, maids and matrons of honor are usually charged with holding the bride's bouquet during the ceremony, tending to the groom's ring if she's part of a double-ring ceremony, dealing with the bride's train (and bustle), signing the marriage license as a witness and giving at toast at the reception (this is in addition to any shower or bachelorette details they handle).

Of course, you are free to divide up these tasks (or dispense with them entirely) as you please. You don't say how traditional your wedding is, or how you feel about Emily Post-y protocols, but the standard arrangement is to have the maid of honor assume the bulk of the duties: standing directly beside the bride during the ceremony, holding the bouquet, etc.

These policies are always flexible and it is up to you to decide how you want to handle the arrangements. If you split up the primary duties so that neither of them feels either shortchanged or overwhelmed, you'll be in great shape. You could even give them the opportunity to give a toast as a team if that appeals to them and to you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:47 AM    <link>

PRIOR COMMITMENT

Dear Elise,

Yesterday a friend mentioned that an acquaintance of ours has recently announced he'll be getting married on the same day as my upcoming wedding. The husbands of two of my guests may be invited to this wedding (though I'm not sure). My friends have already accepted my invites, but I worry that they might want to attend this other wedding instead (or leave mine early).

Is it bad etiquette for me to contact these couples and tell that that I understand they might want to go to the other wedding? Isn't it my responsibility to make things easier on them, since it might (in their eyes) seem bad form for them to decline my invitation after accepting it?

I only announced my wedding date about a month and a half ago, when we were first engaged, if that matters. Thank you so much!

Worrying Over Everything

Dear Worrying,

Worry no more and do nothing. The simple answer to your question is that you are no more responsible for your friends' social schedules than you are for the weather. You can't help that people might receive other invitations any more than you can stop the rain.

Standard politeness dictates that one attends whatever event one accepts first. Since your invitations have gone out and your friends have RSVP'd affirmatively, they should attend your wedding. To change their minds, just because another invitation rolled in, would be rude. This doesn’t just apply to weddings, by the way. It is a general policy that applies to everything from children's birthday parties to lunch dates. It is offensive for people to spend their lives "trading up" plans, and the fact that it happens regularly doesn't make it acceptable.

So sit tight. In the first place, your invitations went out first (it doesn't matter how far in advance you sent them). In the second, you don't even know if these people have been invited to the other wedding, so mentioning it at all might stir a pot best left unattended.

Have a wonderful wedding.

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:10 PM    <link>

NOT INVITING FAMILY

Dear Elise-

My fiance and I are trying to have a small wedding. HAHAHAHA!

I'm trying to trim the guest list, but things are getting sticky. My father is one of 10 surviving siblings, and I am planning to NOT invite two of them- or at least put those two on my backup list's backup list: my Seriously Creepy Uncle and Completely Psychotic Aunt (I have NO substantial connection with either of them).

I realize that there is no way of getting around this without some people wondering: "Where's uncle so-and-so?" etc. but I'm just wondering how to handle those remarks if they come up. I'm hoping the fact that my fiance's family is crazy and that my sister is clearly omitted from the invites as well will all be enough of a distraction that Dad's family will not notice.

I am Going to Write a Book One Day

Dear Write a Book,

Well you are in a tricky situation. It is very hard to politely exclude members of a group from one's wedding, especially when it comes to family. No one will come to throw you in handcuffs if you don't invite your aunt and uncle, but you are sure to hear about it.

You may even hear more about those omissions than you will about not inviting your sister. Since there will be eight of your aunt and uncle's siblings at your wedding, you'll have a tiny village of voices ready to comment on your decision.

The question really to ask yourself is whether you want short- or long-term discomfort. Would you rather deal with having these two people at your wedding if it means not having to listen to long-term complaining from excluded relatives and their siblings, or would you rather count on your family's history of being remote and assume that your father and aunts and uncles won't even think about it? The terrible thing about weddings is that they make people care about things in ways that you can't predict.

Unfortunately, because your situation is rather delicate, I can't really suggest any standard lines that you could use if anyone (including your aunt and uncle) asks about your guest list omissions. It is easy enough to say that you're having a small wedding or having family only, but you aren't doing that. You are having a small wedding and inviting all of your aunts and uncles except two. So this makes things complicated. You don't want to imply that your aunt and uncle snubbed your invitation if you didn't issue one, nor do you want to broadcast your feelings about them. Your best bet is to dodge this line of questioning and change the subject if you do get quizzed. Chances are you'll hear more about your exclusions after the fact when you'll be more prepared to talk but don't feel you have to provide any details if you don't feel comfortable. You can always say that these issues are personal.

Take counsel with yourself, and see which decision gives you the least amount of grief in the long run. And your signature reminded me of a book that was just published by someone with a family that may surpass yours for drama. You may want to put Sweet and Low: A Family Story on your night table.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:07 PM    <link>

HOW TO SIGN

Dear Elise,

My husband and I were recently making up some of our post-wedding thank you cards. Because my handwriting is neater than my husband's, I wrote out the cards and signed them with both my first and last name. My husband took the cards to sign his name on them and asked me why I had included my last name. He thought it was ridiculous, but I did it because I saw the thank you card as a way to announce our names. My husband thinks that anyone who knows us knows that my last name is the same as it was before marriage and only signed his first name. So now we have half a dozen or so cards with my full name and only his first. Because he was so obstinate in his refusal to sign his last name, I caved in and only printed my first name on the rest of the cards.

He has no problem with me not changing my name, he just thinks it will make the cards less personal to put our full names on them. I have never seen a post-wedding thank you card where both the first and last names of the newlyweds aren't included. I am not sure what the proper thing to do is. We haven't sent the cards out yet.

Sincerely,

Confused Thank You

Dear Confused,

This is a curious question because you seem to be saying that you want your thank you notes to multitask. In general, thank you notes for wedding presents are informal. If you look back into the dusty volumes of etiquette tradition, you can see that it is customary for one to sign only one's first name at the bottom of thank you notes, unless one isn't well acquainted with the person being thanked. (If you get a present, for instance from one of your parents' co-workers, you may have to provide more identifying information.)

At worst, you may seem a little stiff and overly formal in your notes, which is hardly a disaster. Consider how you might react if a good friend write to you with such a formal signature. This isn't insulting, just a bit odd. It probably isn't necessary for you to rewrite all your notes, but you don't need to continue to sign your full name.

I do understand your desire to let people know that you are keeping your name, but it is unlikely people will register this information through your signature.

If you were at the beginning of the process, you could take advantage of a couple of ways to make your stationery proclaim your names for you. You could order some cards with both your and your husband's names printed on them, and use them for all your thank you correspondence, or you could send "At Home" cards, which seem old-fashioned but also get your point across. Seeing your name in print would solidify it in your friends' minds.

For now, you can send out the cards you've written with your full name on them and the ones to which you've only signed your first name and adopt a less formal policy from here on out. It is unlikely that your guests will compare notes, so don't worry.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:41 AM    <link>

SMALL PRECEDENT?

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I are just beginning to think seriously about getting married. I really like the idea of getting married before only closest family and friends, and then either having a large cocktail reception or doing nothing at all. We'd also prefer not to register, and have people donate to our favorite charities instead.

We really find the standard wedding conventions unappealing. Is getting married with just a tasteful reception or nothing at all in bad taste these days?

Are there any celebrity or other historical precedents for this that might help make this choice, should we choose it, seem less wacky?

Thank you,

No Frills Please

Dear No Frills,

You don't need to look to celebrities for guidance when it comes to the sort of wedding you're describing. It would actually be rather counterproductive for you to feel that your desire to dispense with a lot of wedding conventions can only be legitimate if famous people have paved the way for you. This is your wedding and you are entitled to make the choices that suit you.

Many people make the decision to have a small private ceremony with a large reception afterwards. This choice is not particularly novel and if you glance back into very old etiquette texts you can find suggestions on how to compose extremely formal invitations to small ceremonies and large receptions.

To the extent you have anything to worry about, "wackiness" is not it. You may indeed have to break the news of your decision gently to your families. Parents often want to be involved and can be disappointed if they are excluded from their children's nuptials, but that is not so much of a problem of manners.

As for your problem with presents, one is never required to register. If you do want charitable donations, you'll have spread the word yourselves with the help of your family and friends. What you shouldn't do is request donations on your invitations. Having said all of this, you will have to be prepared to receive presents anyway. Some people will not want to make donations and won't feel comfortable foregoing giving you a wedding gift. In this area, you can only influence people so much, and after that you just have to let them do what they want.

Enjoy yourselves and be confident that doing what feels comfortable to you is far from freaky.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:06 AM    <link>

THE SECRET LIVES OF GUESTS

Hello Elise,

I am wondering what to do about two prospective guests for my upcoming wedding. My parents are have been friendly with a couple for years. (They would have dinner together all the time, and we even spent holidays together.)

About five years ago, I caught my father and the female half of this couple making out. My father and I have never really spoken about it, except for a very awkward exchange where he told me that, "things got out of hand, etc." I have never spoken to my mother about this and have no idea if they have an open marriage, or anything of the sort. I also suspect that this was not a one-time affair.

Everyone in my family expects me to invite them to the wedding, and honestly I have no idea what to do. If I don't invite them, I'd have to make up an explanation why, and my mother already gave them a save-the-date card (yes, I know it's awkward). At the same time, I feel like if they are there, I'll having to keep a constant watch on my father, and won't be able to rest (since honestly, this is what I do now when I'm around my father and this woman). The worst part of the matter is that I do really like them both a lot, and would like them to be a part of the day, but I don't want to have to keep an eye' on my father, who I really adore.

Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated!

Daddy's Girl

Dear DG,

This is a pickle, without a doubt, and what you do about this couple depends primarily on how much you want to shield your mother from learning about your father's possible impropriety with her friend. (I say "possible" here because you included a "benefit of the doubt" clause in your letter indicating that perhaps there is some aspect of your parents' marriage about which you are unaware.)

If you really want to protect your mother, you will have to invite this couple to your wedding. She has already invited them herself with a save-the-date card, which means that if you don't send an invitation the couple may and quiz your mother about the apparent oversight, or your mother may ask you about it if she notices. Either way, you would have to deal with some kind of confrontation.

You may find it is easier to talk to your father about your concerns and tell him how your mother has invited this couple but that you worry about his history with this woman and are concerned that he not do anything that hurts you or your mother at your wedding. You have already had one uncomfortable conversation with your father about this woman, and it might be time to have another one, if only for your self-interest.

There is no good solution to your problem. If you don't invite this couple, you almost certainly risk exposing your father's (likely) indiscretions to your mother. If you do invite them, and don't warn your father about your feelings, you will be worried, and of course no one wants to talk to her father about his possible infidelity. One additional safeguard you could take, if you do invite this couple is to enlist the help of a friend to keep an eye on your father. No one wants to have to babysit a parent, but this could help you relax while feeling that you have done everything possible to protect your mother.

Etiquette is not the issue here. If it were only a question everyone being polite, you would have heard from the couple in question by now, saying that they got your save-the-date card but will be sadly unable to attend. That not being the case, you will have to make a hard choice. To help weigh your options, ask yourself what outcome would be best for you and your parents at your wedding and in your lives generally.

I'm so sorry you have to face these questions.

Congratulations on your wedding,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:34 AM    <link>

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