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Thursday, August 31, 2006

WHY THE INVITE?

Dear Elise,

I cut grass weekly for a woman who I see maybe once a year, when she visits her second house, which is a 5 hour plane ride away from her main residence.

She invited me to her daughter's wedding. I have never met the bride and I don't intend to go. Must I send a gift, since I received an invitation, or just send my regrets, and let it go at that?

Isn't this like inviting your mailman & other service people who keep your home running?

Not Going

Dear NG,

Are you asking if you should be insulted or otherwise put out that you were invited to this wedding? Why would you be? Maybe you were invited because your employer likes you. An invitation is a compliment and should be taken as such.

Having said that, you are of course under absolutely no obligation to go, nor are you compelled to give any kind of present. It would be gracious if, along with your regrets, you included a note about how happy you were that the mother of the bride thought to invite you, but you have no responsibilities beyond that.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:34 AM    <link>

HOW FAR AFTER THE FACT IS TOO FAR?

Dear Elise,

My husband and I had a VERY small (only parents and two friends) Vegas wedding 5 years ago. I was pregnant at the time, and we planned to have a reception for our family and friends after the baby was born. Well, another child and 5 years later we still have not had any such event.

I have always wanted to put my dress on again and have a formal party celebrating our marriage. I still have friends asking if we will ever have a reception. Considering it has been so long, is it appropriate to have such an event, or should I just forget about a reception? Also I have two sisters who had similar circumstances and never had a chance to have any sort of ceremony or reception that included their friends and family. Would it be better to have one big party to celebrate all three of our marriages together? Any advice would be appreciated!

Thank You,

- Worried It Is Too Late!

Dear Worried,

Well, many people have belated wedding receptions, but you are talking about having one so far after the fact that you really will have to call it something else. WHAT you call it is up to you. Is it a party celebrating all of your unions? Do you want to renew your vows?

So wear your dress, have some cake and celebrate alone or with your sisters. Anything goes. The only thing you shouldn't do is call your party a "wedding reception." That would be odd.

Have a wonderful time.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:58 AM    <link>

HUNTING GUESTS

Dear Elise,

The RSVPs for my wedding reception are due and I am wondering how to handle the invited guests that have not responded. I understand that I am supposed to call them but what exactly does one say? Should my fiance call his friends and relatives and I call mine?

I am rather frustrated by the number of people who have not responded at all. I have to give final head counts to the reception venue, the bartender, the caterer, etc. I am further worried that I won’t be able to reach some of these people by phone. If I try calling but have no luck, is it proper to try sending an email? If I still get no response, should I assume that they are attending? Are not attending? How many attempts should I make to reach someone? At any point am I allowed to say something to the effect of, “since I have not heard back from you I will assume that you are not attending”? I don’t want to be rude and I would like every invited guest to attend. But I am appalled by the rudeness that has been displayed by the lack of responses!

Signed,

Just Want to Know the Number

Dear JWTKTN

You aren't alone. Very few people who throw formal parties of any kind escape having to track down their guests to find out what they're thinking. I'm sorry that you're faced with these layabouts. Of course, there are plenty of good reasons why they might be slow to respond, so before you get actively angry with them, embark on a calling spree and see if you can't pin people down.

There's no reason you should have to do this alone, so chop your list of delinquent potential guests in half and get your fiance to join you in the telephone marathon. When you call, just say that you sent your wedding invitation and haven't heard back, and need to know if the friend or relative will be attending. You can give a date by which you need a final headcount as a deadline, if that makes you feel more comfortable.

Unfortunately this is a moment when people tend to be out of town, so you can also try emailing them. There is no strict procedure for any of these communications, but for your sake, don't sound impatient or angry. You're still hoping people will come and nothing makes a party sound less appealing than an angry host or hostess (yes, even if the guests are completely remiss).

It's a drag to have to deal with AWOL RSVPs, but it is much better to take matters in hand than it is to sit around with a big question mark floating over your head, wondering what people are planning to do.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:00 AM    <link>

STILL MORE INVITATION DETAILS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are now ready to order the invitations for our wedding. We plan to have our ceremony and reception in the same location. We have decided not to include reception cards. Is this inappropriate? If it is okay, how do we go about wording that the reception is in the same location our invitations? Thank you for your time.

Information Confusion

Dear IC,

Your choice isn't unusual and traditional etiquette would never suggest that you sacrifice invitation form for practicality. There is no real need for a second card for a reception in the first place, but this is especially the case if wedding and reception are in the same place.

All you have to do is follow the standard format:

Host's Names
Request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Bride's Name
to
Groom's Name
Date
Time
Place

Unless you have anything unusual going on in your reception (i.e.: are serving dessert only) you don't have to mention it further.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:28 AM    <link>

MORE INVITE CREDIT QUESTIONS
Double Header

1.
Dear Elise,

Our wedding is being hosted/paid for by: my fiance, his mother (who is a widow), and me.

How do I write the invitation?

Thank You!

Getting Organized

2.
Dear Elise,

My question is about etiquette regarding invitation wording. I have a VERY complex set up. Here are the people contributing money to my wedding in order of the amount they are giving:

1. My mother
2. My mother's former husband (my first stepfather)
3. My father and stepmother
4. My mother's long-time boyfriend

My maiden name is hyphenated to include both my first stepfather's last name and my father's. I am very close to my first stepfather and consider him as much of a father as my "real" one. How on earth do I list all these people on the invitation (I'm told that divorced people have to be on separate lines) and in what order? I could lump everyone into "The family of" or "The parents of" but I don't know if that is inappropriate or disrespectful to them, individually. Could you tell me what etiquette applies to my situation?

Signed,
Twisty Family Tree

Dear GO and TFT,

Invitation credit questions come up all the time and I am inevitably reminded of the elaborate and highly litigious way that film credits are assigned. Once you know that there is a world of difference between the word "and" and "&" or that lawyers can ring up astronomical fees arguing whose name comes first in a list of six writers, you begin to look fondly on those incredibly short credit cards from early movies where almost everyone was left off.

TFT, you have a most complicated set-up and if you adhere to standard format, your invitation will look like this:

Bride's Mother
and
Bride's First Stepfather
and
Brides Father and Stepmother
and
Bride's Mother's Boyfriend

Request the honor of your presence
At the marriage of

Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name

Date
Time Place

You wouldn't be wrong to take this route. It may look a little as if you had to consult with your attorney to draw up your invitation, but it is safe and no one would feel left out. It depends on how much your relatives care about being named. (The most formal format would have some sort of notation of relationship: "at the marriage of their daughter," but you may prefer to leave this specification out of the mix because it just complicates an already wordy invitation.)

You're in a bit of a pinch because the standard "Together with their families" set up usually works best if the bride and groom are issuing the invitations themselves, as in:

Bride's Name
And
Groom's Name
Together with her/his/their family/families. . . etc.

In you case, GO, you have a different kind of awkwardness to work with. You and your fiance could let his mother take hosting credit on her own:

Groom's Mother
Requests the honor of your presence
At the marriage of

Bride's Name
To
Her Son
Groom's Name
Etc.

If you feel strongly about the invitation coming from you and your fiance as well, you're stuck with something more complicated:

Groom's Mother's Name
And
Bride's Name and Groom's Name
Request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Bride's Name
to
Groom's Name
Etc.

You will note that in this set-up, your and your fiance's names are mentioned twice, which is clunky.

In general, one really must balance giving credit versus clarity. Very few people read invitations with an eye to whose pocketbook had to open widest, so GO, you may feel most comfortable sacrificing your and your fiance's "credit" while TFT, you may be happiest naming everyone.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:15 AM    <link>

WHEN THE DESTINATION IS UNCOMFORTABLE

Hi-

My fiance and I are having the most non-traditional wedding of all: we are getting married at the Burning Man festival. Our best friend is officiating, and one or two friends will be there. My family doesn't want to go. At first, they were OK with it, but now I am finding that almost everyone is upset. I invited them but they are not interested in coming to the event, which I completely understand. We're planning to have a celebration back home in the spring.

My sister's problem is that we chose to have our wedding at a location where they would not feel comfortable, and claims that it "speaks volumes" about how I feel about the family. We, being the VERY non-traditional couple that we are, feel that we are doing this portion of the wedding for us, and are including them in the reception. We are not even saying it is a reception, as we want no gifts and expect nothing from anyone.

Also, we are broke, my parents are broke, and my family is huge! (I'm the oldest of 52 grandchildren, and that's only on one side!) Frankly, I feel that I am doing my very economically compromised parents a favor by not asking them for anything.

Also, my sister is getting married in Ireland in the Spring, and has not taken into account the family's financial situation. And she says I'm the one that is inconsiderate. Am I crazy, or does this sound like a double standard, here?

- Burning Man Bride

Dear BMB,

You can of course have your wedding wherever you like, but questions of perception are always doing to dog you.

Both you and your sister have decided to have destination weddings and have both invited your family, but you are alone in getting flak for your decision. There may be a double standard operating, but your relatives could be responding to what they feel is an attitude underlying your choice and you may have to make some moves to dispel that notion.

The Burning Man festival is notoriously inhospitable and uncomfortable. A quick glance at the event's official web site speaks worlds. This is an outdoor experience where one must be vigilant about taking care of one's body, being aware of dehydration and exposure. Many people are reluctant to use porta pottys and hate camping in general. All of these elements are, perhaps, among the things that make a Burning Man wedding so appealing to you, but your family may feel you have selected the most aggressively hostile environment in which to have a wedding to keep them away. Ireland, on the other hand, is far away, but can provide indoor plumbing, beds and various other comforts that many- though not all- travelers enjoy.

Your family may have mistaken your aggressive non-traditional stance for a desire to keep them at a distance. Consider your "celebration." You aren't even allowing it to be called a wedding reception. Perhaps if you gave in a little and allowed your family to take part in something wedding-like, they would feel less put out. As I've written here before, guests often want to bring wedding presents. Giving them is a pleasure and denying them the opportunity can create discomfort. The same thing goes for your family's participation. They understand their financial resources and can make their own decisions, and while they are surely happy you aren't making unreasonable demands, maybe they would like to participate a little more. If you are feeling uncomfortable, tell your family how much you want to include them in the springtime reception and open things up a little. You don't have to give up your independence or feel guilty about your Burning Man plans, just be open to some of their ideas and let them know that you aren't trying to keep them away.

Some people just want to take things personally, and you can't do anything about that, but you have an opportunity to soothe everyone's feathers, so why not take it?

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:35 AM    <link>

COMPLICATED THANKS

Hi Elise,

My fiance's parents disapprove of our wedding because I'm African-American and he's Chinese-American. I have only met his mother once, and his father a couple of times in the six years we've been together. I have always been polite, and they have been silent toward me.

After much to-do, my fiance's father is coming to the wedding to support his son, but his mother refuses to attend. Most of her family is attending in what appears to be an act of defiance against her. Even her decrepit father, from whom she tried to hide our marriage, wanted to attend. (Poor health prevents him.) The wedding is in three weeks. Yesterday, his parents sent us a large check (it pays for the honeymoon and home improvements) as a wedding present, along with a "have a happy wedding and a good life" greeting card made out to both of us, signed "Dad and Mom." Based on a phone call from his folks, it looks like it was the mother's idea.

So, my question is, do we write them a thank you note? I'd like to acknowledge the gift somehow, although I know it is guilt money. I am also the thank you note writer in the couple, although we both sign them. If we do write a note, how should we address it? They are definitely not "Mom and Dad" to me! Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Looking for Peace

Dear LFP,

Cheers to you and your fiance for putting up so gracefully with his family's gracelessness. It does sound as if you've handled things with the perfect balance of politesse and determination, and your strategy appears to have paid off.

So, this thank you note. Another opportunity has fallen into your lap. Absolutely write to these tricky parents. Maybe this is guilt money. Maybe it is something else, but you don't have to address that issue. All you have to do is be as gracious and kind as you've always been to them. If you are writing the note, you certainly don't have to address them as "Mom and Dad," in fact, this familiarity would be utterly strange given your history. The standard "Mr. and Mrs." construction will do you just fine. It will give you that respectful formal distance and also let them know (if they're any good at reading between lines) that you are grateful but don't quite trust them.

The family appears to be genuinely trying (your fiance's mother excepted) but there is a lot of work to undo six years of hostility. So be patient. You're looking for change in geologic time. Don't write anything that makes you uncomfortable, but don't pass up a chance to demonstrate gently much more civilized you are than they have been.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:10 AM    <link>

INVITATION LINGO

Hello Elise,

My parents are generously paying for my dress and my wedding reception, while my future husband and I are paying for everything else. We like the "together with their parents" wording for the invitation, but my mother prefers the language that only mentions the bride's parents:

Mr. and Mrs. _____ invite you to the wedding of their daughter____ to ___ son of ______.

She likes this better because our wedding isn't really "together with their parents" but "together with my parents."

I don't like the "giving away" feeling of this wording, nor are they the only hosts (we are helping with about 30% of the cost). Is there a way not to begin the invitation with their names that still honors the fact that they are hosting with us? Or is there a way to NOT use the word "daughter"? I love being their daughter, but I am 30 years old and I don't like the idea of being given away.

Thank you so much,

Choosing My Battles.

Dear Choosing,

It is an uncomfortable matter, wording a wedding invitation with a calculator at your fingertips. So many people get hung up on the relative financial contributions of family members that the whole thing starts to feel more like a scroll of movie credits than an invitation.

The reason the bride's parents are traditionally listed as the wedding "hosts" is that, often, they actually had the affair at their house but a quick study of any etiquette text reveals that there are plenty of variations on traditional invitation language that allow for all kinds of people (friends, relatives, the bride and groom themselves) to host weddings.

So, whom do you want to name on the invitation?

You can certainly have language that looks like this:

Bride's Parents' Names
Request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
Date
Time
Place

It is probably apparent to your guests whose daughter you are, and you don't need to mention it unless you want to.

Alternatively you could have the invitation come from you and your fiance, though this construction is somewhat more awkward:

Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
Together with
Bride's Parents' Names
Request the honor of your presence
Etc.

Really, at the heart of this question is whether it is important to you to feel that you are "credited" with paying for part of your wedding. Very few of your guests will study your invitation with this in mind, so it is primary for your benefit.

If you want to be perfectly safe, and don't mind letting your parents have the "host" spotlight, the first option is the most traditional and doesn't make an obvious point of excluding your fiance's parents from the invitation.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:53 AM    <link>

NO PRESENTS? BUT, WAIT-

Dear Elise,

My fiance is adamant that he doesn't want to receive any wedding gifts. He feels that since we have been living together for over 4 years and are in our late-20s, we don't need a bunch of new stuff. He doesn't want us to register, and wants to put wording on the invites like "your presence is gift enough." I did suggest that we asking people to make a gift to a special charity but he didn't feel good about that either.

While I applaud him in his anti-greed stance, I feel that no matter what some people will purchase gifts for us and that registering is actually the polite thing to do. I was actually looking forward to registering for and receiving some gifts (nothing outrageous, just some modest kitchen-related stuff that I've never been able to buy for myself). Also, my mother is totally appalled at the idea of putting a "no gifts" request on the invites and I have some reservations about that as well.

What is the etiquette on this? Is it polite to request that no gifts be made? Are there any other alternatives that we haven't considered that will help people not feel obligated to bring gifts?

Thank you!

Not SO Greedy

Dear NSG,

Your fiance may have strong feelings, but if he is truly interested in etiquette, he should know that one should not include any information about presents on an invitation. One should not stuff registry information in an invitation and even to tell people not to bring presents is problematic. To ask people to refrain from gift giving does not really offer relief. People often want to give wedding presents and feel deeply uncomfortable if they do not.

Traditionally, etiquette frowns on wedding registries, since they are making explicit requests for specific items and don’t leave everything at the discretion of one's guests. In recent years, though, things have swung the other way, where guests often expect to hear where a couple is registered so that they won't have to bear the responsibility of picking something the bride and groom don't like or can't use. It is not rude to have a wedding registry nor is it rude to skip one.

Really, the only parties that require presents are showers. While it is nice and customary to give wedding presents, it isn't necessary and if people are strapped for cash, they can always just write a card that acknowledges the wedding and how happy they are to have been included.

Have a word with your fiance and see if you can reach some sort of agreement. You could, for instance, split the difference and not put the often off-putting "no gifts" note on your invitations on the condition that you don't register.

In general, guests don't like to be bossed around too much. Let them do their thing and enjoy yourself at your wedding. There's only so much control you have over this situation, anyway.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:13 AM    <link>

OFFICE THANK YOUS

Dear Elise,

I work for an organization of approximately 35 women. Whenever there is an occasion such as an upcoming wedding or someone becomes pregnant, we celebrate. Generally someone takes the lead and solicits donations from any co-workers interested in contributing to a gift and then a small party is thrown during office hours.

I am getting married soon and I expect they might throw a shower for me. I am wondering how to properly thank everyone if this happens. Should I assume that everyone chipped in for the gift and write a personalized note to every co-worker? What is correct in a situation like this?

Sincerely,

Trying to be Correct

Dear Trying,

The best policy is always to be personal and gracious.

If you do have a party and get a present, chances are it will come with a card signed by all of your co-workers who chipped in and you can use this information to send personal notes. It may seem that you are being forced to compose multiple thank you-s for one present, but really, each person who pitched in deserves thanks.

Have a great time and know that your co-workers will really appreciate individual thanks. A note tacked on to a community bulletin board just seems kind of abject.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:54 AM    <link>

NUPTIAL PILE UP

Dear Elise,

I have 2 very close friends and I am supposed to be in both of their weddings. One has had her wedding organized and booked for a year. She is getting married on 8/31/07.

My other friend (who is also in my first friend's wedding party) has just gotten engaged and is in a mad rush to get hitched. She discussed this with Bride # 1 to ensure no conflicts and they agreed that she would pick a date in late July/Early August so no conflicts would arise with planning their showers, bachelorette parties, etc.

Bride #2 just told Bride #1 that her wedding is now booked for 8/17/07.

Obviously Bride # 1 is upset. Bride # 2 will be away on honeymoon and unable to support her before her wedding.

I am Bride #2's Maid of Honor and told her to be careful about booking her wedding so as not to overlap with Bride #1 too much. But with both weddings so close together the bridal parties (which are the same for both weddings) feel pulled in two directions.

Bride # 1 is very upset and is considering pulling out of Bride # 2 wedding at this point, as she feels their was a lack of respect/consideration with her friend doing this.

Ever encounter such a concern? How do we handle this?

We are in desperate need.

Conflicted Bridal Party

Dear Conflicted,

I don't know how much you will like the answer I have for you. There is nothing tricky about this situation. At bottom, everyone needs to settle down and realize that these two weddings won't overlap. They are two weeks apart.

Both brides really only get one day to get married and there is nothing at all wrong with scheduling a wedding fourteen days away from someone else's nuptials. So, Bride #2 discussed planning her wedding for an earlier date than she eventually booked, so what? There may be all kinds of reasons for her change of mind, but unless her wedding plans are complicated and involve extensive travel, there is no reason why the wedding party should even begin to feel conflicted. In fact, having the nuptials back-to-back is almost convenient: it gets all wedding business out of the way at once.

Is Bride #1 angry that she will be one bridesmaid short for the hectic pre-wedding days? The rest of you can pitch in a little more, though it probably won't even be necessary. If Bride #1 thinks that she will be too busy to help out Bride #2 before her wedding, then that's fair too. This is really not a big deal and certainly not worth ruining friendships over or creating a situation where sides must be chosen. Is she worried about planning the pre-wedding parties? If so, she should just be the first to pick dates for her shower and bachelorette party and let Bride #2 work around that schedule.

You will all have a very busy August of 2007, but it will be full for happy reasons, so think about your obligations, only commit yourself to do as much as you feel comfortable doing and most important: DO NOT try to make trouble between these brides. It will all work out fine as long as everyone remembers that a wedding is but a day and friendships ought to be constructed to survive much longer.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:26 AM    <link>

DO WE PAY?

Elise:

Our daughter and her fiance want to fly to Las Vegas to get married. Are we expected to pay for their plane fare, ceremony, and hotel room?

Thank you.

She's Getting Hitched

Dear DGH,

Your question is simple but there are several other queries behind it. Did you offer to host your daughter's wedding? Did she announce plans to elope, leaving you to wonder if you have any specific role to play in the wedding? Do you want to pay for the flights, ceremony and accommodations?

You are the author of whatever financial expectations your daughter can reasonably have of you. She may have all kinds of wishes and desires but unless you have promised something, there really are no expectations you have to meet. Do you want to pay for some part of the wedding? You can, of course, offer to foot some or part of the bills.

At bottom, you don't have to pay for this elopement. There is no imperative at all. There never is, really.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:01 PM    <link>

THANK YOU NOTES & DISTANT PRESENTS

Dear Elise,

What is the etiquette for thank you notes when the gifts are not being sent to the home of the couple, and will not be opened for possibly weeks? Our wedding is in six weeks and presents have started arriving. I know that two weeks is the standard turnaround time.

We don't have room in our apartment for the mounds of boxes that will be arriving and we don't want someone to break in while we're on our honeymoon, so we are having gifts sent to my mother's house. Should I have my mother open the gifts so that I can write thank you notes in a timely manner, even though I have not seen the gifts, or should I wait till I can open them myself and offer an explanation for the late response in the thank you cards?

Many thanks,

- Gifted From Afar

Dear Afar,

Where did you hear that two weeks is the recommended window for getting thank you notes out? That policy is certainly news to me and I have never seen any specific recommendation beyond the old standard: "get them out as soon as possible."

Now, if you're actually away and not in a position to write these notes, clearly you don't have to worry, but since you're around and are able to find out what people got you (by asking your mother to do a little manual labor), why not get a head start on this chore? Turning around your thank you notes quickly will help you in a few ways: you won't feel guilty; the enormity of the project will be seriously reduced; you won't feel as if you have to do penance for having a fabulous wedding and honeymoon upon your return.

So while there's no serious protocol for your situation, you'd be doing yourself a favor to get started with your notes based on your mother's descriptions. (This will also spare you getting concerned calls from people wondering, six or eight weeks from now, whether or not their presents got to their destination.) You'll be happier in the long run to have this off your back.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:04 PM    <link>

PLACECARDS & WHAT THEY SAY

Dear Elise,

What is the proper format for place cards at a wedding reception? Does each guest have his or her own place card, or should each couple be on a single place card together? Also, is it okay to just write "Mary Jones" on the card, or must it read "Ms. Mary Jones" or "Mrs. Mary Jones"?

Counting Down the Days

Dear Counting,

Your question is interesting in that it reveals something of your seating plans. Traditionally, every single person at a dinner with assigned seating gets his or her own place card.

Whether or not a guest is in a committed relationship is immaterial because at the table, anyone could be seated anywhere. Standard practice is for couples not to be seated next to each other. Spreading them out allows for more conversation and means that single people have as much chance at being chatted up as partnered folks. In the words of Our Deportment (1885) on the subject of Arrangements of Guests at the Table: "Husbands should not escort their wives or brothers their sisters, as this partakes of the nature of a family gathering." (The implication being that family gatherings are informal affairs.)

If you want couples to sit together, no one will arrest you but it is best to still use individual place cards.

As for name structure, the strictest etiquette uses the term of address (Mr., Ms, Mrs., Miss, Senator, Ambassador, etc.) followed by the person's last name. If you are feeling more relaxed, you can use first and last names and drop the term of address.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:53 AM    <link>

INVITATION REGRETS

Dear Elise,

After much hesitation, I invited my ex to my wedding. I dated him for a couple months four years back, and left him, more or less, for my fiance. He RSVP'd "yes" yesterday, and is traveling across the country for the wedding.

It's not that we parted on bad terms. It's just that he's incredibly annoying. But short of curiosity, I realize that I have no desire to see him. At least four other guests can't stand him, and there's a handful more that he mildly annoys. I fear that he'll scare the wedding guests off. And I fear that his presence will annoy me at the wedding and ruin my enjoyment.

He also added his girlfriend-du-jour's name to the RSVP card. He was the only one invited. He wasn't the only person to do this, but for the other people I'm thinking of begrudgingly letting it slide.

Should I suck it up? Disinvite? Disinvite his girlfriend on a technicality? Your advice on how to handle this matter would be appreciated

Signed,

Should Have Thought It Through

Dear Should Have Thought,

Barring something truly extraordinary it is exceptionally rude to disinvite someone from any event. Your ex-boyfriend is paying you quite the compliment in deciding to take the time to cross the country for your wedding, and if you didn't want to see his face, you shouldn't have invited him in the first place. Unless you really want to make a big, harsh, unpleasant statement, you're stuck with him.

As for his girlfriend, you are not required to host her. In fact, you aren't required to host any of your presumptuous guests' "plus ones," but you would be wise any decision a global policy. Either allow all of the extra guests or none of them. You don't want to have to hear later about the ways in which you were unfair to people.

If you do permit him to bring his new girlfriend, you can hold out some hope that she will either neutralize his irritating personality somewhat or at least keep him busy enough that he doesn't bother your most sensitive friends. On the whole, though, your friends should be able to handle themselves at your reception and this includes knowing how to wander away from annoying conversation.

For your part, as the bride, you will have very little time to spend with individual guests anyway and in all likelihood you'll hardly have to deal with him at all. So make up your mind about how you want to handle all of the extra guests and be gracious no matter what you decide.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:54 AM    <link>

DON'T ANNOUNCE BEFORE IT HAPPENS

Dear Elise-

My fiance and I will be married in Spain where we will be living at the time of the wedding. We have a wedding announcement that we plan to send and include a note that says something like "We are getting married in a ceremony in Spain etc. and we will sincerely miss everyone who is too far away to join us."

We also plan to send wedding invitations to close friends and family. (We have already sent out save the date information.) I have read so many complaints from people who receive invitations to destination weddings, about the cost, the vacation time, etc. We truly want people to feel only that we care about them and that they are invited, not that they are expected to attend, that we want a gift, or anything like that. We don’t want people to feel obligated or upset that we are inviting them to something so truly extravagant.

We also don’t want to only send announcements to people that we think really should get a formal invitation. Our "invite" list is just under 100 people. I am worried that our invite will not be well received by someone but I also don't want to not send invitations to people. My finace's parents think the plan is outrageous and I'm fairly certain many of their friends and family will as well. We would like to send many of them invites to be thoughtful Do you see anyway around this? We feel strange sending "only" an announcement to some people but do not want to upset them by "inviting" them.

Thank you!

- Lucky Lucky Bride-to-be Who Wants to be Considerate

Dear Lucky Lucky,

You've misunderstood the purpose of a wedding announcement, and this might be contributing to your confusion and agitation.

Wedding announcements should only be sent after the wedding has happened. Anything else seems like an invitation, and letting people know ahead of time that you will be getting married but that you can't invite them, is a bit peculiar.

In the interests of simplicity and clarity, you shouldn't post your announcements until after your ceremony. (This is especially the case since you've already sent out your save the date information and all of your guests are in a position to make plans already.)

As for guest concerns, set them aside. You don't need to say that you don't expect presents or that you don't want to put people out or anything. Those feelings are implicit in an invitation. You invite people and they can come if they want to and are able to. That's the beginning and the end of it. If people (and this includes your future in-laws) decide to be offended that you invited them to come to a wonderful party in Spain, then, they're lost to you anyway. The converse, of course, is that you can't be put out if anyone, even guests you love dearly, can't make it. That is the deal with all invitations, but especially ones that require a large financial and temporal commitment from guests.

The only misstep you could make is jumping the gun with your announcements that threaten to muddy the waters and create expectations in people you don't intend to invite. Hold onto them until after the big day and have a terrific time.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:24 AM    <link>

NO NIECES! NO NEPHEWS!

Dear Elise,

My parents are hosting a rather expensive wedding for my fiance and me. Although we are extremely appreciative, we don't agree on a major issue: kids.

I've never liked the idea of children at weddings. I find their presence inappropriate, at best. Our wedding is an upscale sophisticated event and I simply don't envision 17 kids under the age of eleven as part of my wedding day. As the day approaches I'm getting more and more guilt about "excluding" the children. We are a close family and have monthly get-togethers with everyone. I simply want my siblings to leave the kids at home for this one event!

I've communicated these wishes from the start but my parents answer, "we'll see" and are now telling me that because they are paying for the wedding, it's their call. Compromises, such as keeping the kids in a separate room with an entertainer or babysitter, have been rejected because my siblings want to "show off" their kids. I feel strongly about this issue. It's us or the kids, but I suspect my parents will "sneak" the kids in at the last minute.

Help! What can I do?

-Dreaming of A Childless Wedding

Dear Dreaming,

Yours isn't precisely a question of etiquette. I suspect you know that already, though. Of course it is your prerogative to decide whether or not to invite children to your wedding. There are even plenty of ways to limit children's presence and participation in weddings, but that isn't really the issue for you.

Since your parents are paying for your wedding, they feel they are entitled to have a voice in this decision and they are not really wrong. If you imagine their position, you can see how they might feel you are taking their money without giving them the privileges of being hosts. The trick for you now will be to try to come up with ways where they can assuage their desire to include your nieces and nephews while keeping them out of your wedding.

First and foremost, you can tell them how important having a child-free wedding is to you. Don't tell them that the kids' presence won't be appropriate. They love the children and will only think you're being ridiculous. Explain your feelings. Are you worried about having to share the spotlight with the kids? If you are, that feeling is reasonable. There are seventeen of them, after all. Be honest and don't rely in this case on standby excuses. If you want your parents to respect your position, you'll have to be explicit.

Then, can you think of compromises? Would you be willing to invite all of the children to an event, such as the rehearsal dinner so that they can be shown off there? Clearly you care about your siblings and their kids so it isn't a question of disliking them, but excluding children is a sensitive issue, so it would be helpful if you were had some kind of middle ground to offer.

What do you mean when you say: "it's us or the kids"? Will you call off your wedding and elope if your parents include them? Will you choose instead to pay for the event yourselves so that you don't feel so obliged to bend to your parents' will on this issue? Think of how far you are willing to go, and consider how your parents would respond to your gesture.

As I said, this isn't really an etiquette issue. While your parents are entitled to have some input, you will have to work this out with them seriously and honestly. If you are in a position to secure the support of your siblings, see if you can enlist them. Consider how much it would help your cause if they told your parents that they wouldn't mind getting a sitter for a night.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:42 AM    <link>

SO MANY PARTIES!

Dear Elise,

I have a couple of friends getting married this fall.
A few weeks ago, I attended a shower one and a half hours away from where I live.

There is a "stock the bar" party next weekend, also an hour and a half away from where I live and then the week after that they're having an engagement party in my town.

Do I HAVE to go to the "stock the bar" party next weekend? How do I tell them that I will not attend, but will be at the one here the following Saturday? They said that I am one of a "select few" invited to the one out of town next weekend.

Thank you,

Distressed

Dear Distressed,

Some weddings really do become Party Explosions, and this is a fine practice for people who have the time and energy, but not everyone can swing going to everything all the time.

An invitation is a compliment. It is also optional (unless it is for something like jury duty), so while you should be gracious about how you respond, you certainly don't have to attend every event on offer. All you have to do is let your host(s) know that you are very happy to have been invited but unfortunately you won't be able to make it to the "stock the bar" party and that you can't wait to see them at the engagement bash.

Short, sweet, friendly, warm and firm.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:05 AM    <link>

INVITATION LANGUAGE WHEN THERE ARE TECHNICALITIES

Dear Elise,

We want to have about 100 guests at our reception. I have heard that it is okay to invite more people than the number you want to have as many people won’t be able to come. Is there any good rule of thumb on this? We would be able to accommodate several extra if all responded yes. Also, many of our guests are from out of state or out of the country. How many invitations would you suggest sending to get our goal of no fewer than 100?

Our reception will be held in our hometown about two weeks after our destination wedding. Can you help me with the invitation wording? We want people to know that while we won’t be married when we send the invitations, we will be married by the time of the party. We also want to make it clear that we are having a cocktail reception so that guests do not expect a full dinner. Is there a way to include that information on the invitation?

Hope you can help! We’re in a rush.

Sincerely,
Befuddled Bride

Dear BB,

The means people use to figure guest lists varies from mathematical equations to tealeaf readings. My psychic powers are limited indeed so I can't begin to tell you how many people you invite won't show up. Some people say that one can expect 20% of invited guests to RSVP in the negative, but one can't tell what will happen.

Now, invitations to receptions only are very common and you only need to gently rephrase the language of your invitation:

Host's Names
Request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception
for
Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
Etc.

Since you are having cocktails, you are right to want to clue people in and here is where you can play around with language. Another version of your invitation could read:

Host's Names
Request the pleasure of your company
at a cocktail reception
celebrating the marriage of
Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name

As I said, you'll have to toy with wording that achieves that delicate balance of being welcoming and concise while providing important information.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:42 AM    <link>

THE COWORKER CONUNDRUM

Hi Elise

I am unsure on what to do about inviting coworkers to my wedding. I work in a classroom seven staff members and a teacher. I would like to invite the teacher and five of the staff members but not the other two staffs simply because how they treat me. How can I do this without hurting anyone's feelings? My fiance says I shouldn't invite anyone from work, but how can I not do that?

- Unsure

Dear Elise,

I work as a paralegal at a rather large law firm. I have several close friends I'd like to invite to my wedding
I also think that I should invite the attorney I work for.

Do I need to send invitations to the entire firm? I do not want those I hardly know to feel obligated to give a gift. Truth be told, there are some co-workers I would rather not invite and others that I am indifferent about being there. Please help. I do not want to return to work and have hard feelings.

- Confused

Dear Unsure and Confused,

As a basic matter, you really don't have to invite your coworkers to your weddings if you don't want to. In fact, deciding not to invite any of your colleagues would only make your lives easier, since it is always easiest to exclude an entire group.

But of course you may want to have some of your co-workers at your wedding and in that case the easiest way to handle invitations is to include discreet groups: your immediate co-workers and supervisor, for instance.

To make things easier as far as excluding people goes, there are a few basic policies to follow. Don't broadcast the details of your wedding to the office. This will create an impression of inclusiveness that you perhaps don't want. Don't pass invitations out in the office. Get people's home addresses and mail them out the way you would to other friends and relatives. Warn the people you do invite from your office that you won't be inviting everyone to your wedding. This should encourage them to be discreet.

If people ask you about your wedding and you don't plan on inviting them, fall back on the "small wedding" excuse. Don't elaborate or over-explain, just be polite and say you would love to invite everyone but you can't. You may know these people very well, but you have every right to limit your guest lists. Again, just be sure not to talk excessively about your wedding before OR after the fact or do anything to make the people you didn't invite feel left out or uncomfortable. Your wedding is one day and you have to go back and work with everyone afterwards.

As long as you don't flaunt your guest lists at the office and make it clear that some people made the cut while others didn't, you shouldn't have any trouble. It is just a matter of being respectful and careful.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:01 AM    <link>

2 DRESSES NO WAITING

Dear Elise

I had a friend of a friend make a dress for my wedding (she's a professional seamstress and was willing to do it as a favour for some business trading). She's since become a friend. My problem is that I've lost about 10 pounds in the last two months and the dress is really big on me and she won't really take it in.

I didn't want to take any more of her time, so I've taken it to a seamstress who is madly cutting out heaps of fabric (there is no way the dressmaker won't notice) and I also, in a panic, bought a back-up dress.

My friend the dressmaker is coming to the reception, and part of our agreement was for me to trade her some photos of me in the dress on the big day for her time in making it. Is it wrong and offensive if I don't wear her dress? Should I tell her in advance or lie and say I spilled red wine on it?

Help!?... one week to go!

- Stressed About the Dress

Dear Stressed,

As the bride, you can of course wear whatever dress you want to your wedding. You are absolutely allowed to wear one or even both dresses (not at once) but in fairness to your friend, the dressmaker, you need to tell her before the wedding about the alterations you've done to her dress. If you decide to wear your backup dress instead of the one she made for you, you need to warn her about that too.

Your friend is surely invested in her work and even if you ultimately decide not to go with her design, you should reassure her that you will have some pictures taken in which you model the dress she made for you. This was part of the deal you had with her and she deserves to have something for her portfolio.

Speak to her soon, but be very clear about what you intend to do. You lost weight and needed to have last minute alterations (this is not at all uncommon, and final fittings are often scheduled just a couple of days before weddings). Let her know without being critical of her work that you had to have the dress altered and offer to be as helpful as you can for her with her work.

Congratulations and good luck. This is tricky but you're best off being upfront with your decision.

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:09 AM    <link>

NO DATE ALLOWED?

Dear Elise,

I am a single woman. I date, but do not have a steady boyfriend. I was recently invited to a close friend's wedding. The invitation was for me, only and did not indicate that I may bring a guest. It is a formal black-tie affair with 300+ attending. I am the only single person in my group of friends, and will be the only single person at our table at the reception.

Should I feel slighted that I was not given the courtesy of a +1? I understand that they might have to cut seating for financial purposes, but they are sparing no costs for this wedding.

I do not want to go to the wedding anymore, mainly because I feel slighted and also because I will not go unescorted. I also do not want to tell them why. I do not want to cause any friction or make them feel bad, but I also do not want them to tell me to bring someone after the fact. I feel it should have been done to begin with.

Is it appropriate for me to feel slighted this way? How should I handle the situation?

Sincerely,

Singled Out

Dear Singled,

Well, there are always choices, so it is really up to you to embrace one.

In fact, it is extremely common for single people to be invited solo to weddings. Sometimes this is a choice made for financial reasons or because the venue can't hold that many people. Traditionally, the whole notion of "and guest" is somewhat frowned upon, since strict etiquette requires that each guest be named on an invitation (thus ensuring that the hosts at least be familiar with all of their guests' names, if nothing else). I couldn't say what reason your friends' have for not offering you the opportunity to bring a date- for all I know they want to fix you up with someone at the "single people" table instead of seating you with your friends- but they aren't being rude.

And you wouldn't be rude for deciding that you don't want to go to a wedding without an escort. That is more than fair, especially if the wedding involves travel or other factors that can be pleasurable with a companion and a drag of you're solo. If you don't want to go, just say you can't make it or check the "will not be attending" box on your RSVP card. Don't offer an explanation; just wish everyone a great time.

Try not to measure your friendship by this invitation. If you are close friends, your affection can certainly survive your not being at her wedding and her not being able to accommodate an extra guest. You could also ask in a way that doesn't pressure your friend and doesn't reveal your anger if you could bring someone you've been dating for a while, but be prepared for your friend to tell you she can't accommodate any extra guests. Remember, if you get to bring a date, then she may feel that all of her single guests should be allowed the same thing and she really might not be able to have that many more people.

The balance of whatever decision you make is that you don't have to feel slighted but if you don't go, you also don't have to feel guilty. The bottom line is this: try not to take the invitation personally.

Have a wonderful time no matter what you do.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:12 AM    <link>

TRAUMA AND THANK YOUS

Dear Elise,

I have many issues with my thank you notes. To begin with, they are really late and I am so overwhelmed and depressed that nothing is getting done. My husband and I just celebrated our 1st anniversary and we have had a tough year. My husband is from New Orleans, where we live. One month after the wedding (we had just come back from our honeymoon) Hurricane Katrina hit.

We did not lose our house, but my husband's brothers and many of our friends were displaced. Our home was damaged and we're still renovating, and I am in the shameful position of it being one year since the wedding and still trying to get the notes written. I am trying to say in most of them how we did not fail to notice their generous gift but that so many unforseen things happened.

However, while many people were very generous, some people did not give us anything. One of my cousins gave us a check that bounced. Do I not send her one? If I do write her a note, how do I think her for a bounced check that actually cost me money in a bank fee? Another couple that came just put twenty dollars in a card.

We had a very nice sit down reception, with a DJ and a band. I always give at the very least the cost per plate of the reception, but usually more. Our wedding was a three day event for the out-of-towners. We had them all fo our bachelor/bachelorette party, the rehearsal, made welcome baskets for their hotel rooms and arranged their transportation to and from the reception, and to and from the airport!

I am disappointed that people would be so cheap considering all the extra expenses we shouldered for them. Am I being petty? Please tell what the proper etiquette is. There are so many other complications living in this city now and I don't want to be stressed out over this.

Signed,

- Still Traumatized But Trying to Manage

Dear Still Traumatized,

Of course you're stressed out. You're conflating a whole bunch of issues, so take off your shoes and relax for a moment or two before you read on.

Ready?

First off, you should send the thank you notes. Late is much better than not at all, and everyone surely knows about Hurricane Katrina, the damage your home sustained, and all the general unhappiness and upheaval in New Orleans. All you have to do is briefly apologize for the lateness, acknowledge the chaotic year and quickly move on to the point of the note- the "thank you" part.

Set yourself a small goal of a minimum of one or two notes a day and don't pressure yourself wildly.

Every present, no matter how small or odd deserves a note. In the case of your cousin's bounced check, you should also write a thank you card. She probably knows that her check was returned, and is certainly embarrassed, but it is the kind of thing that can happen to anyone, so just let her know that you appreciate the thought and let the matter lie. Perhaps she will send a new, non-rubber, check.

As for your sense of reciprocity, there isn't much to say. There are certainly no rules about "paying for one's plate." Leaving aside the fact that it would be impossible for people to figure out how much they cost you, the entire notion that one would have to offer wedding presents commensurate with the price of one's attendance is antithetical to being a guest at all. Even if one reaches back into ancient tomes of etiquette, one can see that guests are never expected to give presents that are beyond their means or beyond what they are comfortable spending. No matter what you think you know about your friends' situations, you can't be certain that they don't have financial constraints and would you really have limited your guest list only to people who would give expensive presents?

It can be difficult, I know, not to think that there are hidden messages behind peoples' strange or even thoughtless offerings. You aren't alone. Consider Slate's Unidentifiable Wedding Gifts Contest, and be happy you aren't saddled with that weird horror of a bowl thing.

As for the people who haven't given you presents at all, just keep in mind that you have that many fewer notes to write.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:58 AM    <link>

INVITATION MAILING TIMING
2 Questions, Similar Issues

Dear Elise,

My fiance is very nervous about being the center of attention, so we've decided to have an intimate wedding ceremony at the end of October, go on our honeymoon, and then have a larger party for the reception in December. In between the ceremony and reception, we will be traveling and will only be home for two weeks before the reception When should we send out the invitations and what should they say?

If I send out wedding announcements and invitations after our ceremony will I be cutting things too close since I'll be away for so long? Should we send out invitations to the reception in early September and ask for reply cards by mid-October? My mother says that invitations should not be sent out so early.

Another issue to consider is that on my side, I have a large family and everyone will need time to make travel arrangements. and I will need to figure out if they are actually coming since we are keeping our numbers small and I have close friends that I would like to invite.

The wording of the invitations is also perplexing. Do we make reference to the ceremony in October? If we don't, won't people wonder when the actual wedding is occurring? Do we send out a separate announcement after the wedding takes place even though we have already sent out invitations to the reception?

These issues are also affecting how to plan for a bridal shower and bachelorette party.

Scheduling Issues

Dear SI,

You've got a lot going on, and it is hard to keep in mind that when it comes to invitations, the practical elements are the most important.

As I've written before, invitations are best mailed between six and eight weeks before the event. This allows people time to make plans but doesn't give them too much time to forget about their commitment. You'll need to check with your caterer about when he or she needs a final head count, but this is usually a week or two before the event. So, in terms of getting accurate information and knowing who really will be attending your wedding, you are still best off sending your invitations out with the 6-8 week window. It will be something of a drag to come home from your honeymoon to having to plan seating charts, but you will have time.

If you need to give your out-of-town family and friends a chance to make plans, you would be best off sending them a save the date announcement- either a printed one or in an email or telephone call.

Your invitation language is also not that complicated. It actually isn't particularly unusual to have separate weddings and receptions with separate guest lists. The standard phrasing for a reception-only invitation is:

Host's names
Request the pleasure of your company
At the wedding reception
For
Bride's name
And
Groom's name
Date
Time
Place

You can send out wedding announcements if you like, but it is safest keep your reception invitation separate. If people are confused, they'll ask about your ceremony and all you have to do is say that it was a family-only affair, and your thrilled to be having a chance to celebrate in December.

Congratulations,

Elise

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a wedding in the town where we go to college. The problem is our families live about 400 miles away and yet more family and friends are even farther away and will be traveling from out of state. Almost everyone invited will have to travel.

I know etiquette dictates that invitations are to be sent out 6-8 weeks before the wedding, but how will we ever come up with a semi-accurate number for planning purposes? Out of the 125 people on the invitation list, we're positive about 50 of them will not be coming (my mother advised I invite them anyway to avoid jealousy). So that's a start, but how do I handle giving estimates to the reception facility, caterers, etc? If I send out save the date cards, are people expected to give me some idea then whether they will be attending?

I'm at a complete loss and don't feel I can start planning until I can narrow the number down to a more accurate estimate. Thanks for your help,

At a Standstill

Dear Standstill,

Your timeline for invitations is right on target. The more leadtime you allow, the less accurate your head count will be, so stick with the 6-8 week policy. When you have settled on a caterer, ask when he or she will need a final head count. (This is usually two weeks before the wedding date.) Add an extra few days (enough time for you to call all the people who fail to respond) and make that the "RSVP-by date" on your invitation.

There are various equations that people invoke in order to estimate the number of positive responses they'll get to wedding invitations (people often say that, on average, 20% of invited guests will RSVP in the negative- I do not know how this reasoning developed), but in your case, a save the date card will do the trick better than any math problem.

Send out your cards and see what kind of feedback you get. You will probably not get a wildly accurate response but you should have enough information to be able to decide whether to plan on 100 people or 50. When you talk to your vendors, be sure to mention your traveling guests and say you'd like to make sure that your venues can handle crowds of varying sizes.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:49 PM    <link>

WANNABE FLOWER CHILD

Dear Elise,

Our wedding is quickly approaching and I am happy to report that most of the details have been worked out

Just yesterday my uncle called and asked if his 8 year-old daughter could be a flower girl. I have never heard of anyone asking to be a member of one's wedding! Isn’t that considered rude?

My fiance and I considered having children in the wedding party several months ago and decided that it wasn’t what we wanted. I don’t want to say no to a hopeful young girl, yet I also don’t want her to learn that this is how you get things that you want. I just wish her father hadn’t decided to put me in this situation. Any advice about what we should do? I’m not even that close with this side of the family!

No Flower Girl

Dear No Flower,

I must confess: I was your niece. As a child, I mistook a flock of girls en route to their first communion for flowergirls and asked my parents' friends, who had just announced their plans to marry, if I could be one. Only as an adult do I realize that awkward position I put them in (though I'm sure my parents would have told me where to get off, if necessary). So forgive me if I am a little gentle on your niece.

The answer to your problem is in the lines of your letter. You've already considered whether or not to include children in your wedding party and have decided to leave them out. Fair enough. Many people don't have wedding parties at all. There is nothing stopping you from simply telling your uncle that for the sake of everyone's feelings you have decided to not have any children in the wedding party. That's all there is to it and happily you'll be telling the truth as well. You get your way, and your reasoning is not only solid, it makes you look wildly considerate.

Your uncle's question is presumptuous, but he's probably only trying to please his child, who, at the age of 8 can't be expected to have memorized wedding protocol. If we give him some benefit of the doubt, we can imagine he doesn't realize that his request is putting you in a tricky spot, that he's just being rather excessively indulgent. As long as he doesn't get more actively pushy, he's less rude than he is dopey, which can still be annoying.

Tell your uncle the truth: no kids in the wedding party, and know that there is no reason for you to bent or argue this point. You don't have to accommodate his wishes and his daughter can learn, as we all must, that it's good to want things.

But you don't have to be the one to fulfill her wishes.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:44 AM    <link>

DOESN'T WANT A SHOWER

Elise,

I have a friend whose daughter is getting married in September. The Bride is extremely shy and does not like attention drawn to her in the least. She does not want a shower, but her mother would like to do something for her. She wants her to have memories! I mentioned having a "absentee bridal shower" if possible. The Mother of the Bride has a dinner party for the Bride and her attendees, and the gifts be at the location for them to open and enjoy alone. How do we pull this off - and how would you word the "Drop & Run" invitations to people to drop off their gifts for such an occasion. Please help with any suggestions, theme ideas, and wording for the "Not Really Shower". Please help ASAP!

Bashful Bride's Friend

Dear BBF,

I am not entirely sure what you are asking. Surely your friend is entitled not to want a shower. These parties are really not for everyone, since they have classic components (games, present rituals, etc.) that are real turn-offs for some people.

But what exactly is your plan? Are you considering inviting people to show up at a dinner and leave presents for the bride without being allowed to join in the meal? You really can't do that. It is too mercenary to ask for presents if you aren't going to invite people to a party.

What you can do is simply not open presents at the dinner. You don't need to announce this, just don't do it. If people ask, say that a present-opening ceremony isn't on the agenda.

You could also just not call this thing a shower. Just let the bride have the pre-wedding dinner in her honor. There will be plenty of opportunity for her to collect some memories and enjoy herself without all the pressure that comes from parties that carry the "Shower" moniker.

I can't really help you with themes or entertainment suggestions, since the possibilities are so endless I wouldn't know where to begin, but classic wording for a formal dinner party invitation looks like this:

Host's name
requests the pleasure of your company
at a dinner in honor of
Bride's name
Date
Time
Place
RSVP

Please don't hesitate to write again if I've misunderstood your question.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:54 AM    <link>

WEDDING HOUSEGUESTS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have finally decided to tie the knot after 10 years of living together. His family lives 1500 miles away, and his parents are planning to stay with us during the wedding and the following week. I have agreed to this.

The problem is that they now want to come 3 or 4 days prior to the wedding and stay with us. While I adore his family, I'm uncomfortable with having them here so many days before the big event. I'd like to spend that time making sure things are taken care of, and making sure I'm rested and relaxed -- not worrying about houseguests. They're sweet and helpful people, but in the past they've tended to overstay their welcome, so their visits have become a bit of a sore point between my fiance and me, and I know they've picked up on it. I'm afraid I'll spend those days walking on eggshells around them.

I'd rather have them come just a day or two ahead- or stay in a nearby motel. My fiance thinks I'm being extremely unreasonable. Who's right?

Enough is Plenty

Dear Enough,

This isn't a question of etiquette. There are no real rules about how long is too long to have houseguests (with or without a wedding), though people love to invoke that old saw about fish and guests stinking after three days. The real measure of a visit being too long is your relative comfort.

As it is, you have decided to host your fiance's family for a substantial amount of time, at a moment when you will be quite busy, both practically and emotionally. It is absolutely reasonable for you to want to have privacy and free time before your wedding and you really need to be firm and honest with your fiance about what you feel you need. You are not being at all weird and it would be very hard to even suggest that you aren't being (literally) accommodating when you are hosting them for over a week.

There is really nothing else to say about this. You aren't rejecting your fiance's parents and many would say that hosting your in-laws in the days immediately following your wedding is, in and of itself, above and beyond the call of duty. So have a quiet, reasonable talk with your fiance and see if you can get him to see your point of view.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:50 PM    <link>

REALLY LATE INVITES

Hi Elise,

We are getting married in 4 weeks, and have yet to receive RSVPs from the majority of people we invited. Because our families are quite large, we weren't able to invite every friend and work colleague that we wanted to for fear we would go over capacity of the room (and our budget).

Based on the number of RSVPs we have received, I'm fairly confident we can invite a few more people without breaking the bank or the room. My question is, someone receiving an invitation at this point may be insulted that they are on some kind of "B" list, and I don't want to offend anyone. Would it be better to include a brief note explaining the situation (although I'm not entirely sure what I would say), or just send the invites as is? I'm not sure which is worse: to be invited late or not at all.

Thanks so much for your guidance!

Some More the Merrier

Dear SMtM

While it is true that no one wants to feel he or she is on a B-List, you do have some flexibility and in your case, you're best off playing it by ear.

Some people, and you probably know who they would be, may be put out at getting a late invitation but other, more casual friends, would no doubt be thrilled to hear that you want them to come to your wedding, now that some of the relatives you were obliged to invite have declined, making room for the people you would rather see.

If I were to make a global statement about what you should do, it would be that you should leave your guest list as is. But this is one case where a strict rule can be overlooked if you approach your friends delicately on a case-by-case basis.

You know your friends, so see if you can expand your guest list delicately. People should be gracious but if anyone gets stroppy, just say that you now have room for more people and would love to see them at your wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:20 PM    <link>

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