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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Saturday, September 30, 2006

SHOWER POLITICS

Dear Elise,

My co-worker, "Jane," is getting married one week before my wedding. We have the same group of co-worker friends. All of these friends were invited to both weddings and to both bridal showers.
One of these women is "Cindy." Cindy attended Jane’s shower and gave her a gift. She plans to attend both weddings. Cindy did not RSVP to my shower but told me a few days before it that she would not be able to attend. I did not receive a shower gift from her.
I am hurt that Cindy provided Jane with a shower gift and attended her shower but did nothing to recognize mine. What would have been proper in this situation? I assume there is nothing that I can say or do.
Is one required to provide a shower gift whether they attend or not?

Baffled

Dear Baffled,

While it is natural that you would feel some competition with Jane and be hyper-aware of how your friends behaved at both of your weddings, Cindy has not really behaved particularly poorly.

Traditionally, one really must bring a present to a wedding shower. Whether it is necessary to send presents to showers one can't attend really depends on one's relationship to the bride. If one is good friends or a close relative, one should send something, but if the acquaintance is not so close, it really isn't necessary. It is always nice, of course, to give something or at least acknowledge the invitation with a card or other small gesture but your friend might not be aware of this sort of delicacy and probably figured if she wasn't at the shower, a present wasn't necessary.

In this situation, you are best giving Cindy the benefit of the doubt. It is more likely that she is clueless about her lapse, and besides, this is someone with whom you have to work in the future, after your wedding has come and gone. If there are other ways in which you feel you and she have grown apart, then you can rethink the nature of your friendship, but on this point, try to relax and enjoy the rest of your pre-wedding festivities.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:15 AM    <link>

DO THEY REALLY HAVE TO MEET?
Double Header

Dear Elise,

I am 42 years old and getting married for the 2nd time. I live in Arizona and my parents live in Michigan. Is it necessary for my fiance to meet my parents before we get married or for him to ask my father for my hand in marriage?

Thank you,

New to This

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I are talking seriously about getting married. I do not have a close relationship with my parents and especially have never discussed my relationships with them; so they still don't know about my boyfriend. However, since it now seems that we will be getting married in the next year or so, I have to somehow broach the subject with my parents.

They are highly critical people who are either incapable or unwilling to be supportive of me in many ways. My boyfriend and I are of a different ethnicities and religions, and he is 5 years younger than I am (which will be considered a big deal by my family), so I know they will definitely not be supportive and instead give me grief.

Do you have any ideas on how to broach the subject and does my boyfriend really need to meet them face-to-face to "ask for my hand"? Yea, on top of everything, my parents remain stridently traditional in that regard and will probably hate him even more if he does not.

Thanks,
Big Sigh

Dear New to This and Big Sigh,

Are you inquiring about traditions or imperatives? There is certainly nothing preventing you from getting married without securing your parents' "permission," and without your folks meeting either of your fiances before the wedding.

Traditionally, of course, there is a recommended protocol but it can be hard to follow unless everyone lives close together in which the man asks the woman's father for his consent (which leaves the woman with a quandary if her father disagreeably says "No"). After getting the paternal go-ahead, there is a general meeting of the bride and groom's families. This obviously only works out if the families lived convenient distances from each other, and contemporary practices are much more relaxed. Often the families don't meet until the rehearsal dinner or the wedding itself and there is nothing unpleasant about it.

Now, in both of your cases, asking "permission" might make you feel a bit uncomfortable or even silly, since you've been living independent lives for some time. It is a little like driving home for Thanksgiving and then feeling as if you're supposed to ask your parents if you're allowed to take your own car to the grocery store.

So, if you dispense with the traditions, what should you do instead? The best approach is the "We're All Adults Here" method. Speak to your parents directly and tell them the wonderful news that you're getting married. Even if you feel guilty or uncomfortable, do not let them know. That will only give them an opening in which they can start to complain. Offer them only your happy face. Then, depending on how comfortable you are, you can stage some sort of pre-wedding meeting. If you struggle too hard to avoid any encounters, you will seem immature, but taking the high ground and planning a get-together either months before the wedding, or for dinner (or lunch or tea or dessert) mere days before your nuptials will prove that you are responsible and considerate.

Remember, you aren't seeking permission; you only want your parents to be part of your life. So, New to This, you just have to see what is most convenient given how far apart everyone lives, and Big Sigh, all you need to do is stage a quick respectful meeting (in the manner that seems safest to you) with no apologies.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:55 AM    <link>

NO BRIDE AT SHOWER

Dear Elise,

My son is in the military and is stationed over 1000 miles from me. He will be getting married there. Several members of the wedding party live near me, as do many friends and family that are invited to the wedding. Some will attend some cannot. No one from our area will be able to make it to a bridal shower or bachelor party.

Is it completely out of line for the wedding party to throw some sort of party or shower for the bride and/or groom that they will not be able to attend?

Long-Distance Planning

Dear L-DP,

This is an interesting twist on the shower problem. Usually this question comes in the form of whether one should invite people who live too far away to attend a shower. What you propose is unorthodox- a shower without the bride (or groom) present.

While you wouldn't be doing anything actually wrong- the harsh version of what you're suggesting is what has been discussed on these pages before: the by-mail shower (where there is no party at all, just the demand for presents)- you'd be making a curious choice and you should be prepared to defend it to people questioning your choices.

Why do you want to throw this party? Is it about collecting presents for your son and his wife? Surely, they will receive wedding presents. Is it because you sense the wedding couple feels that they're missing out on some pre-wedding traditions? If that's the case, would it be possible to throw this shower the day before the wedding when everyone is in town?

Take counsel with yourself and figure out what would be most comfortable and what suits your and the wedding couple's interests best.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:50 AM    <link>

HOW TO HANDLE NEW AND OLD LAST NAMES

Elise-

I am planning to remarry and am not sure how to handle the name change. I have a son, the only reason I would wish to keep my current last name. I am curious if my first married name and my new married name can be hyphenated or if that is inappropriate?

Kind Regards

Me: A Name I Call Myself

Dear Me,

This isn't so much a question of etiquette as it is a question of what you want to do and what you can do, emotionally and legally.

There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't incorporate your new husband's last name into your former married name, particularly if the central reason that you kept your first married name is so that you and your son will have the same last name.

The solution you suggest is completely sensitive to the feelings of all the most significant people involved: you, your fiance and your son, so unless there is some reason why, in your state, you wouldn't be allowed to do this (and I can't imagine what that could be, but I can't imagine the reasons for lots of things in this world) you should embrace your good idea.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:48 AM    <link>

TWO BRIDES - SAME DAY

Dear Elise,

I need advice. Yesterday my maid of honor and I discovered we had both set the same wedding date!

I got engaged a year ago and my fiance is getting an annulment of a previous marriage so we've already had to delay our wedding. She just got engaged in August. I'm so sick of waiting to get married and I'm having a destination wedding so I've had to coordinate the date with lots of family members' schedules. I finally found a date that works for everybody (except her, obviously if she sticks to that date). Neither of us has reserved anything yet so nothing is set in stone. She says that my asking her to consider another date is putting her in an "awkward position." She says she has to work around her fiance's schedule- but his schedule allows for two months of possibilities. This is the date that works for my family. What do I do?

Thanks in advance,

Wedding Planning Blues

Dear WPB,

I take it there is no hope for a double wedding? I ask that half in jest, because this is a tricky problem. Neither you nor your maid of honor can really own one date or another, and the relative length of your engagements does not really give either of you "dibs" on first choice of wedding dates. So, you are stuck having to make what could be a complicated decision.

First, are you sure the date you have selected is available in the place you want to get married? Does that matter? Do a little research and see if the date you have selected really is perfect for you. If it is, make a list of all the people and factors you have had to accommodate. Don't mention the length of your engagement or your fiance's annulment. Then speak to your friend and show her all of the people you have had to take into account. Your friend may be more likely to see your side of things if she realizes what you are up against.

If she remains firm, is there no hope of changing your date? This really should not come down to a battle of wills or some sort of contest. It doesn't matter in the long term which one of you secured the first choice wedding date.

At bottom, if you really can't change the date, you really can't and you'll have to have your wedding without her. You should explain this with as little anger and as much sadness as possible. You have done your best to accommodate everyone and you just can't make another change. This is, obviously, a last resort, but understand that short of pleading your case, there is nothing you can do to change your friend's mind. Prepare for the worst, hope she can come around and if neither of you can bend, make a date to have dinner together after your honeymoons where you can tell each other all about your nuptials.

Don't ruin a friendship over this, but do what you have to do.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:36 AM    <link>

THANK YOU VICISSITUDES

Hi,

We're getting thank you notes printed that have our names on the front of them. If I receive a present individually, through the bridal shower, is it OK for me to send the thank you note on our name cards or should I use different cards for presents that come to me individually?

-Gearing Up

Dear Elise,

My cousin was briefly married about two years ago; she and her ex married and divorced amidst some serious health problems for her, and in all the fuss she never sent out most of the thank you notes. Many of them got to the point of completion and were merely awaiting addresses when her ex-husband threw them out in the process of moving out, which she didn't find out until quite recently.

What should she do, especially since she's not sure who got thank you notes and who didn't, or even who gave what? Our family has also more or less struck the marriage from the record, since it was so short and disastrous. It might be awkward to address things now, but my cousin doesn't want anyone to feel slighted.

-To Thank Or Not To Thank

Dear Elise,

My wedding shower was held immediately before my bachelorette party, two days before my wedding.

I'm now back from my honeymoon and wanted to get started writing thank you notes. I was wondering if I should write separate thank you notes. It seems rather awkward to write a thank you for the shower gift while temporarily ignoring the wedding gift, but at the same time the shower gift is from the woman only, while the wedding gift is often from a couple. Also, our graphic designer friend offered to make us thank you cards, but won't be finished in three weeks minimum. Is this too late? I already have stationary that would well suit the shower gifts.

Thank you and thank you,

-Gifted

Dear Gearing, To Thank, and Gifted,

All of your questions are sensitive and reasonable, but they all obscure the most important part of thank you notes: they should be written and sent out. Everything else is a distraction.

So, Gearing, your cards are perfectly appropriate to use for your shower and your wedding presents.

Your cousin, To Thank, has a complicated situation on her hands, and I hope she has recovered both from her illness and her marriage. She is right that she should acknowledge her friends and the presents they gave her at the time. Her marriage did, after all occur, and presents were given and people did attend. Presumably, her friends and family understand what she has been through, so she should try to rec-onstruct as best she can, who gave what, and sending out gentle acknowledgements. In the cases where it is impossible to figure out what happened, she can still send a note, apologizing briefly for her silence and thanking her guests for supporting her at the wedding and being so generous. She does not need to go into complicated justifications. Her trials will be well known to everyone, but it would be nice and brave of her to thank her friends.

Finally, Gifted, you're really best off sending notes sooner than later. They just accumulate and become an overwhelming job. So, if you find yourself having a subset of thank you notes to write in which you must acknowledge two presents, it just means you will have one slightly longer note to compose. There is no need to pretend that you weren't the recipient of both presents, that your shower and wedding weren't days apart from each other or that you aren't writing all of your notes at once.

As for the question of whether or not to wait to have your specially designed thank you cards, while it is popular to incorporate a photograph from the wedding into stationery, printing often takes a lot of time and the weight of the notes becomes oppressive. If possible, for your own sake, you should just get a head start rather than wait.

Again, the key is to write them and get them out of your house. Too much energy is wasted on the details when this is a job best taken care of with alacrity. The more one fusses the details, the greater the chances are for the notes languishing and never making it to the mailbox.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:21 AM    <link>

HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?

Dear Elise,

My daughter is engaged. She and her father do not communicate so he will not be a part of the wedding. I am a widow on a small pension and I have offered to pay for the reception venue, cake, her gown and accessories. She is an only child and we have no family to speak of, so she will be inviting 4 guests. My daughter's fiance comes from a large family. It has been suggested that I pay for the catering and the liquor. Should I agree to pay for those things along with the dress and cake for 150 people I have never met? My expenses would be $6,000, her fiance's family would be spending about $3,200. What should I do?

Confused Mother

Dear CM,

Many people would point to tradition, saying that the bride's family is supposed to pay for the wedding. Contemporary weddings, however, are usually group efforts, funded by both families and the bride and groom themselves (or only the bride and groom, for that matter). In this case, tradition is much less important than a certain kind of honesty. If you feel you can comfortably afford to finance your daughter's wedding dress, cake, reception venue and bridal accessories, and that is what you want to pay for, then that is what you should say and you should stick by that. If you have a specific dollar amount that you know your can afford, and don't really care how the money gets spent, you can offer them a lump sum and be done with it.

You shouldn't feel pressured to spend more money than you can because someone throws tradition in your face. Your financial contribution is not an index of your love for your child. Offer what you can and have a wonderful time at the wedding.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:15 AM    <link>

POST ELOPEMENT SARTORIAL OPTIONS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are eloping in November. We are having a reception when we get home. What do I wear to the reception?

Thank You,

Hitting the Road

Dear HTR,

You can wear whatever you like. Many people decide to give their wedding dresses a second outing. If that isn't to your taste, or if you didn't have a wedding dress, you could always let the party you're throwing be your guide to sartorial selections. Cocktail parties could inspire cocktail dresses; if you're having dinner and dancing and there's a gown you've had your eye on, embrace it.

Any choice that makes you happy and comfortable is fine.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:59 PM    <link>

THE BRIDESMAID WHO DIDN'T CARE FOR ME

Dear Elise,

My fiance has an adult sister who is openly and very verbally opposed to our marriage because she feels that I am taking her brother away from her. Needless to say this has caused a lot of concern. She has tried hard to break us up which has obviously damaged my relationship with her.

For some reason she feels entitled to be a bridesmaid and my fiance's family is backing her on this. Our wedding party currently consists of two men and two women. My fiance does not really have anyone else he wants to add to the party and I have already had to cut friends who have been with me through thick and thin so that we could have an even bridal party. Although I would be perfectly happy allowing her to do a reading or sing, everyone says that it is necessary to appease my future sister-in-law and let her be a bridesmaid, since she will be my family.

I just don't see it that way and I don't feel OK telling a friend of mine who has been good to me all my life that she cannot be in the bridal party because I have an obligation to someone who doesn't even want me getting married.

Do you have any suggestions?

Frustrated by Future Family

Dear FFF,

There are no specific guidelines for keeping future in-laws out of one's wedding party, so you will have to negotiate this question without a rulebook to back you up.

Of course, whether or not you include your fiance's sister is finally up to you, and it doesn't matter if your wedding party is larger or smaller than your fiance's. Couples have uneven sides all the time and no one thinks twice about it. People also have members of the opposite sex in their wedding parties and to that end you could suggest that your fiance include his sister on his side. That way she gets to take part in the wedding, he has to deal with her, and you don't have to feel you are condoning this woman's past bad behavior.

You really must think here about the long-term implications of your choice and whether there is room for compromise. If you had to hear about the fact that your sister-in-law wasn't a bridesmaid at every holiday for the next 30 years, would that change your feelings at all? Is your fiance's sister attempting a ham-fisted reconciliation? If that were the case would you look more gently on including her? You could of course ask you fiance why this obligation falls to you and not to him.

This isn't really a question of selecting your future sister-in-law over your other, closer, less viper-like friends. Of course you'd rather have someone else, or no one else stand up with you, but that isn't the question. Your fiance's sister falls into a separate category altogether. If you did end up including her in your wedding party, it would not be that she took someone else's "spot." You would be doing it because of an obligation to your future family. This isn't to say that you have to include her, but it is suggesting that if you do, you wouldn't have to feel guilty or conflicted. She is an obligation, not a pleasure and there are plenty of those at every wedding.

So really, you must decide whether you want to dig in your heels or seek compromise. What does your fiance think? If you are set against it he is pushing hard, remind him of how deeply you feel she betrayed you and tell him he can have her. But always remember, big gestures tend to have lasting implications.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:51 AM    <link>

EXTREME MAID OF HONOR OBLIGATIONS

Dear Elise,

Next summer I will be in my friend's wedding party. This is her second wedding and last time she had three maids of hpnpr. (I was the second in line.) Then, the bride's mother's best friend threw the bridal shower, I planned the bachelorette party.

This time, she is also having three maids of honor. I'm the first in line and the only one that was in her last wedding. She recently let me know that she was counting on me to throw the wedding shower and she told me that she thought I would be throwing the bachelorette party too.

I don't really think that this should be all my responsibility, especially since I'm not the only maid of honor. I don't know any of the other women in the wedding party so asking for help doesn't really seem like an option.

I know it's all about what the bride wants, so am I just stuck or should I say something to the bride?

Can't Do It All

Dear CDIA,

Indeed, weddings really do involve a certain amount of catering to the bride and groom, and sometimes their families as well, but this indulgence is never meant to come at the expense of any civilian's sanity or livelihood. So, if hosting and planning all of the pre-wedding parties for your friend is overwhelming, you may absolutely draw the line.

There is plenty of time, since the wedding is next summer, so talk to your friend soon, before she gets weighted down with last minute planning and tell her what your limits are. If you feel comfortable hosting the shower, that can be your contribution. Be firm and don't waffle. You don't need elaborate excuses. All you have to do is say that can only take on one party and perhaps the rest of the bridal party can shoulder the burden of the other.

Some may wonder if it is really appropriate to have a bridal shower for a second wedding, but there really isn't anything wrong with it. Emily Post suggests it is best not to duplicate the first shower's guest list, except for close friends and family. The odd thing about this instruction is that most shower guests really are close friends and family. Her point, however, could be extended to not overtaxing one's friends and having them plan too many parties for one's second wedding after having secured their hostess services for their first one.

Don't feel guilty, just be direct and give your friend plenty of time to make other arrangements.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:14 AM    <link>

LATE INVITATIONS & FEELINGS

Dear Elise,

I am really in a time bind. Our Las Vegas wedding is in 11 days. We are having a hometown reception two weeks later. We invited 130 people to the reception. All response cards are due back to us in a few days and based on what we've gotten back already, a LOT of people won't be attending.

I want to have at least 100 people at the reception. Over 30 have already responded that they cannot be there. Is it too late to move a few of the "B Listers" up to "A List" status? How in the world would I go about this? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Should I just accept that I will have a tiny reception? Or is there some way to invite a few more people without offending anyone?

Last Minute Invites

Dear LMI,

Your predicament really isn't unusual. In the most classical, formal way of doing things, you would not be encouraged to invite more people late in the game for the exact reasons you cite: it will appear obvious that you have a secondary list. There is hope, however.

You will need to think carefully about your late invitees, since the whole issues hinges on whether or not your friends will be offended. At bottom, some people care about these things while others will understand that you had space constraints, and will have a "better late than not at all" approach. You know your friends.

If you do decide to send out some last minute invitations, do it as soon as possible. You could also include a note indicating that you hope they don't mind receiving an invitation so close to the reception date, but you found you were able to include more people and would be thrilled if they could attend.

In general, this practice is not encouraged because it is impossible to make a practical rule about it that ensures people's feelings will be protected, but if you are certain that the people you want to invite will understand your circumstances, you can invite them on a case-by-case basis.

Be careful. Tread lightly. Think before you pop things in the mail and good luck.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:32 AM    <link>

EVERYONE'S AT FAULT

Hi,

There is a rift in my immediate family because of some things that occurred before and during my brother's wedding. I am wondering if you can help me sort this out.

My brother's fiancee sent my invitation to their wedding to my mother's house. My mother lives in California and I live in Colorado. My mother never forwarded it to me. On the invite, it asked how many guests would be attending. But since I never got the invitation and never responded, I couldn't say that I wanted to bring a date.

When I arrived in town for the wedding, I assumed that I could bring a date. Then I found out that my mother and I could not bring dates but that other random people could. I was very upset. After all, I was the sister of the groom. My brother got upset because I quietly cried at his reception. I went to the lobby area as to not disturb things, but my father ended up going out to see what was wrong. My brother got angry that my dad left the reception to check up on me and didn't get to be in some of the wedding photos.

Not only was I not to bring a date, I was also not escorted to my seat. Am I overreacting?

My brother and his wife haven't really talked to me in two years. All of this could have been prevented if she had sent me an invite instead of entrusting it to my mother. But they don't want to see it that way. They just want to blame me for ruining their wedding.

They are having a baby next year and I want to be apart of the baby's life. I just want to know what was right and what was wrong in all of this so I can try to resolve the conflict.

Regards,

Sad Sister

Dear Sad,

This question is two years old and you are right that it is way past time for it to be resolved.

Here is a short list of where things went wrong:

1. It was dopey of your brother's fiancee not to send you an invitation to your house if she and your brother knew that you were living in Colorado at the time.

2. It was foolish of your mother not to at least open the invitation and tell you that you had been invited to the wedding.

3. You were passive for not asking your brother directly if you were invited and whether or not you could bring a guest.

4. Your brother and his now-wife were rigid (though it may have been impossible if their caterer was very restrictive) about not allowing two extra guests (dates for you and your mother).

5. If everyone else was being seated formally, you should have been as well, it is true, but the oversight was probably just a case of wedding stupidity and not a case of your brother trying to send you a message of contempt.

6. If your brother felt very strongly about getting your father in one photograph or another he could have sent someone out to find your father. People are always wandering off at weddings and need to be corralled for pictures. Really.

7. It isn't so much a question of overreaction on your part. Your feelings were your own and you can't change them. But this happened two years ago and it is really time for all of you to stop dwelling on this wedding.

Now what? Happily, you can all admit that you all made mistakes, encouraged miscommunication and hurt feelings. And because you are all at fault, you don't have to point fingers. You're all guilty together. Forget about it and start to forge fresh bonds with your family. In a situation like this, you can just write an email or give a call. Talk to your brother and his wife about their impending baby and be interested in their lives. Don't talk about the wedding. Don't mention it, don't think about it, don't rehash it. Don't. Don't. Don’t. Offer up some details about what you've been up to and see where it all goes.

If your brother and his wife decide to hold a grudge, then you've done your best but it is still worth the effort. And then you can put this wedding to bed, where it should have gone two years ago.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:42 AM    <link>

SHUNNING A COUSIN

Dear Elise,

I was limited on the number of people I could invite to my wedding. I invited one cousin but not her sister. Is that wrong?

Family Issue

Dear FI,

Inviting one cousin and not her sister (who is you’re your cousin) was unwise. Really, when you deal with any close group of people, you should treat them all equally and invite all of them or none. There is no other way to avoid hard feelings and insults.

This question comes up often when people inquire about how to limit children at weddings. (You can, for instance, only invite children of immediate relatives, and this prevents everyone else from feeling that their kids were being slighted, however you can't invite the nieces you like and not the ones you don't without asking for recriminations.) But here you really are treading on dangerous ground.

Did you not invite your cousin because you aren't that close to her? If so, you should rethink your gesture, since you will almost certainly hear about it. Someone's feelings will surely be hurt. If you have an actively threatening and abusive relationship with your cousin, you may have an actual reason (beyond head count) for needing to keep her at a distance, but I doubt that is the case here.

If possible, you should remedy the situation and issue an invitation to your excluded cousin. A crowded table at the reception is nothing compared to the years of resentment and anger you may face for only inviting one of the sisters. If your wedding has already taken place, and you're getting flak for your decision, a heartfelt apology should begin the process of reconciliation.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:28 AM    <link>

EXCLUDING STEP-GRANDMOTHER?

Dear Elise,

Two years ago my grandmother died unexpectedly. Four months later my grandfather started dating their part time housekeeper and eventually married her. My family has been uncomfortable with this woman ever since, and she has not been invited to any family functions.

One of the main reasons she isn't well liked is that she hired me to clean, and then fired me without actually telling me or giving me a reason. She has said terrible things to me about my family, which I told my family about, and quite frankly no one likes her. No one has actually come out and said anything to him because it is his life and he can marry whomever he wishes.

On top of this, my grandfather and I do not get along. He has always treated me differently than my brothers and recently he started telling me that I have wasted my life and making mean comments about my first fiance (who is deceased).

I am engaged again and working on my guest list. I plan to invite him out of familial obligation, but I by no means want his new wife at my wedding. I have asked my family what they think, but no one has an answer. I am not sure how to go about this, do I invite him alone or not all? I absolutely refuse to have his new wife there; her presence would cause a huge amount of distress (not only for me, but my family as well) on what is supposed to be a happy day.

Thanks,
Unsure

Dear Unsure,

The answer to your problem is very clear, but may be difficult for you to handle. If your grandfather is indeed married to this woman, you will have to forgo inviting both of them. Committed couples must be treated as a unit when it comes to invitations, so really, you're stuck with the team. Given your grandfather's recent behavior, it seems unlikely he would attend your wedding if his wife weren't invited, and he would, in all likelihood, use your exclusion as ammunition against you.

So, if you absolutely refuse to have your step-grandmother at your wedding, you'll have to forgo inviting your grandfather as well. Before you make this gesture, proceed with caution. Test the waters, talk to your family and tell them explicitly that you know you have to invite both of them or neither of them and that you don't want to invite them. This decision may be more uncomfortable than it seems right now, and you don't want to do anything that causes you lasting angst, so walk carefully, surprise no one and good luck.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:11 AM    <link>

REHEARSAL DINNER GUESTS: THE COUSINS

Hi Elise -

My parents are hosting an elaborate wedding weekend complete with dinners, lunches and outings. My fiance's parents are only hosting one event, the rehearsal dinner, and I am wondering what to do about the guest list.

We have many out-of-town guests, some traveling across the country. We also are having two of my cousins play violin for our ceremony. Neither the out-of-town guests nor my cousins are currently invited to the rehearsal dinner. (My fiance and I each only have one attendant). Should I ask his mother if my cousins could be invited to the dinner? Should I ask if my cousins' boyfriends could also be invited (both are live-in boyfriends)? I don't want to be rude to my cousins or to his mother.

Thanks,

Stranded

Dear Stranded,

If your fiance's parents are indeed hosting the rehearsal dinner, they will have control over the guest list. While this means that they may tell you that they can't accommodate any extra guests, you can absolutely ask your future in-laws if they could invite your cousins and their boyfriends. (Your instincts are quite right. Since they have traveled for your wedding and are participating in your ceremony, your cousins should be invited, and it would be gracious to include their boyfriends too, since they are your cousins' partners and they have also traveled for the wedding.)

The best approach to take is to be diplomatic. Ask if there is any room to add your cousins and their boyfriends to the guest list. This is one of those "nothing ventured" situations. Your future in-laws may have no idea that your cousins exist, so asking after your cousins' interests is certainly not rude. If your fiance's parents refuse, you will have done your best and you and your family can perhaps come up with something else for your cousins to do.

It isn't wrong to ask, just be prepared for any response you may get. I am sorry you feel put in a spot.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:55 AM    <link>

WANTING

Dear Elise,

If a couple chooses to elope to a land far, far away, is there a polite way to send announcements before the elopement? How does one politely hint that presents are appreciated? How might one politely hint that we would most appreciate cash to travel? I have thought about making up a fake registry where people can purchase us a "Night in a real bed in Brittany" or "Rail ticket from Copenhagen to Paris."

We are considering throwing a party after we get back, just for friends (NO family), where we will reenact the civil ceremony. How does this party fit into the picture? Does it matter in terms of invitations and hints for travel cash? Are we rude to expect anything from family members not attending the wedding or the party (which will be a secret)?

Sad, I don't get to wear a foofy dress, but I'm sure that extra piece of sanity and creative/silly wedding pictures from an exotic locale will totally make up for it. Someday, I hope to use those pix to prove grandma used to be hot & fun.

Cheers!
Need Cash to Travel

Dear Need Cash,

The short answer to all of your questions is: "No" I'm afraid. There is just no polite way to demand money from people you won't be inviting to your wedding. Really, there is no polite way to solicit cash in any situation (apart from simple verbal requests- nothing in print, and even those are awkward unless one is from a culture where cash presents are the norm).

In truth, you are in a better position to wear a poofy dress than you are to solicit funds from your friends and family. In the first place, wedding announcements are sent after the wedding has occurred. Anything sent before the fact will seem like an invitation, and since you are eloping, you're going to wind up confusing people.

But people who elope often do have post-elopement receptions and you can actually set up a registry for that party. You won't be able to ask for train tickets or nights in hotels, but you can register and spread the word after you've invited people to your party.

This isn't a question of uptight wedding traditions. Really, it is just off-putting to receive cash requests for anything, but especially if it is to fund an expedition to which one is not invited. You are talking about holding a benefit, but benefits are usually for public or social causes, not weddings.

Have a wonderful trip. Have a wonderful post-elopement bash, register for the latter and travel according to your means for the former.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:20 AM    <link>

LATE VENUE CHANGES

Dear Elise,

I sent out bridal shower invitations and I just found out I have to change the place it was double booked. How can I redo an invitation or what kind of wording should I do?

Last Minute Switch

Dear LMS,

If you have already sent out the invitations, the best thing to do is to act quickly. Call your guest list and advise everyone of the change. You can of course enlist help for this chore, but the key here is to get the word out fast to avoid confusion. You can also communicate the change by email if you have people's addresses.

Depending on how much time you have, you could print out new invitations, but really, in the interests of time, you may as well attack the problem quickly, with as little fuss and confusion as possible.

Good hunting,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:04 AM    <link>

TWO FATHERS: HOW TO PROCEDE

Dear Elise,

I hope you can help me with a dilemma.

I am twice divorced. My son is getting married and when the wedding party is introduced in the reception hall, the parents will be introduced. I will be there, along with his natural father and his stepfather who raised him. My son does not want to hurt either of these two men and he does not want to give higher billing to either one of them. He is thinking of having me come out with the bride's parents and not having them introduced at all or maybe just having both of them acknowledged in some way.

Do you have any suggestions for us?

Thanks for your help,

- Mother of the Groom


Dear MOG,

Your son has plenty of choices, and a lot depends on how well everyone gets along. Are you averse to walking between your two former husbands? You wouldn't have to have extensive contact with them, just make an appearance as the collective parents of the groom. Alternatively, you could enter first and your former husbands could follow you.

Your son could exclude both his natural and his stepfather, and this decision would be "safe" as far as treating everyone equally, but really, does he gain anything with this gesture? The point of this reception introduction is to give the bride and groom and their families a moment in the sun, so for your son to ostentatiously omitting his biological and stepfather might suggest some sort of rift in their relationship.

There is no strict policy for how you handle these choices, but the key is realizing that this is all about appearances- it is a procession into the reception, after all.

So take counsel. It is all about the impression you all want to make.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:53 AM    <link>

CAN WE CUT IN LINE?

Hello Elise,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 years and living together for 3. We always thought it would be nice to have a small destination wedding for our 10t h anniversary next June- but we kept this plan to ourselves.

The problem is that his older sister recently got engaged and has booked her wedding for next summer. I am in the wedding party, his parents are footing a majority of the bill, and family members from abroad are already saving up to attend her wedding.

We would still love to get married on our anniversary but it seems unreasonable now that she is to be married a month later and that his family has financial commitments. It is imperative that his immediate family be at our wedding (which we plan to pay for ourselves). What is the etiquette in terms of how soon after she is married can we ask everyone to go away for ours? We are even reluctant now to officially announce our engagement because we don't want to steal her spotlight or stress anyone out. Our schedules really only allow for this sort of event in the summer but my anxious heart can't wait that long. Any advice?

Thanks,

Anxiously Awaiting

Dear Anxious,

All right, you're juggling a lot of competing factors. If all things were equal, one would say that everyone gets one day in which to get married and there should be no problem at all with you scheduling your wedding a month before your future sister-in-law.

But all things aren't equal and if people are already saving money in order to make the trip, you know what you're up against.

What can you do? What is most important to you: having the wedding this year or having a destination wedding? If your families must be present, then you will have to be ready to compromise. You could absolutely get married a month before your fiance's sister's nuptials if you could have your wedding locally (so that the relatives you most want to see won't have to travel). If you do that, you could save the "destination" part of things for a honeymoon.

If you and your fiance are primarily feeling the need to be married but still want to have a destination ceremony with your families, you could elope privately and save your big plans for a time when everyone could travel.

I'm afraid neither situation completely resolves these issues, but since your plans will be put into motion after everyone has already started anticipating your future sister-in-law's wedding, you're a little bit stuck in terms of having to take her nuptials into account.

Once you have come up with a plan of action, don't worry about letting people know. You won't be stepping on any toes, as long as you don't choose to announce your engagement at a: engagement party, wedding shower, bachelorette party. . . you get the idea.

So figure out what kind of compromise works best for you and tell the world.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:49 AM    <link>

FAMILY ABROAD & MASS EXCLUSIONS

Dear Elise,

I am having trouble drawing up the guest list for my wedding. I will be inviting my mother and siblings but not my father. I don't want to invite most of my father's family but I do have one relative- my father's cousin, who is also my godmother, whom I would love to have there. However, if I invite her and not my father or any of the rest of his family, would I be putting her in a very awkward position? Is there some way I can invite her, or at least let her know that I would love to have her there without causing too much trouble?

My mother's family is in Italy (I'm English and getting married in England). I would love to have them at the wedding but some of them do not speak English and it's a long way to travel.

My fiance and I thought we could propose to them that they don't come to the wedding (unless they really want to), but that we will visit them some time soon after the honeymoon. Is this a suitable compromise? How do I word it to them? I don't want them to feel that they wouldn't be very welcome but at the same time don't want to put them under any obligation.

Thank you,

Two Countries

Dear Two Countries,

You're operating with two dicey family situations and only you know how truly delicate they are.

In the case of your father's family, not inviting your father to your wedding can only be taken as a large and significant gesture. You are entitled to do this, of course. As for your godmother, can invite her, though you know you may face some anger and discomfort. The fact that you are only inviting one person from that side of the family should encourage the rest of that pack to take your exclusion a little less personally than if you had only overlooked certain individuals. It would be fair for you to warn your godmother that you are not inviting any other members of her family. But in this case, you know what you are doing and you are the best gauge of everyone's reactions.

As for your Italian relatives, you and your fiance should decide if you want to invite them. If you don't want to invite them, don't. If you do, then you should let them decide if they want to cross language and travel obstacles to join you at your wedding. An invitation is purely a welcome, unless you're planning on including coded blackmail messages in your envelopes telling potential guests that if they don't come, you'll reveal horrible secrets to the world. If you have specific plans to have a party in Italy with your relatives there, you can send a "save the date" announcement, but if you don't, then just see what happens when you invite your relatives to the wedding.

It is common to feel as if you are actively making demands when you send out invitations, but really, you aren't. You are welcoming people to join you, and if they decide for whatever reason they can't make it, then you have nothing to feel bad about.

Have a wonderful time.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:11 AM    <link>

BUT WHERE'S MY NAME?

Hi Elise,

After the wedding ceremony is over, the officiant will say, "It gives me great pleasure to introduce Mr. & Mrs. John Doe."

I want him to say "Mr. & Mrs. John & Jane Doe" but my fiance is against it. He said it's not traditional.

Which is appropriate?

Sincerely,

Feeling Invisible

Dear FI,

It is appropriate to feel comfortable with the way you are being depicted at your wedding. That is really the bottom line.

Considering that it isn't necessary for your officiant to announce your names at all, since everyone who has witnessed your wedding should know who you are that that you are married, this is something where you have considerable amounts of flexibility and you certainly don't have to adhere to the "Mr. and Mrs. Husband's Name Husband's Last Name" structure if you don't want to.

It would do your fiance well to keep in mind that lots of so-called "traditions" come and go. Traditionally, wedding cake is fruitcake, so if you're planning on serving something tasty and pretty, you are veering away from tradition. Are you including response cards in your invitations so people can RSVP promptly? If so, you are also moving away from tradition, which holds that people should have enough energy to write their own notes indicating whether or not they will attend the nuptials. There are countless ways in which long standing traditions gently mutate to accommodate contemporary tastes and conveniences and really, what is most important is that no one's feelings get hurt, as yours are in danger of being.

If you feel you must offer a compromise, suggest that the officiant drop your fiance's first name as well and have him say: "May I introduce Mr. and Mrs. Doe" and be done with it. There are plenty of potential compromises, including skipping this introduction altogether, so present this to your fiance and urge him to see that this may be the first compromise of your married life.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:11 AM    <link>

MOTHER DOES A GUEST LIST END RUN

Dear Elise,

From the beginning, we have said our wedding would include only immediate family (parents and siblings). Surprisingly, everything seemed on track. We sent invitations, and my fiance suggested we address the inner envelope of his mother's invitation with "and guest." My future mother-in-law and father-in-law are divorced, and she has been dating someone, but my fiance was worried that they had a falling out, so he told me not to use his mother's boyfriend's name on the invitation.

His mom called, saying her boyfriend can't come but she wants to bring her sister- one of her 8 siblings (and 10 aunts/uncles total) we were avoiding including in the wedding by keeping it to immediate family only. My mother-in-law has known from the beginning that we weren't including aunts and uncles and we are keeping our guest list intimate. My fiance explained that she can't bring his aunt, that it would make it seem like he was playing favorites among his aunts and uncles, and because it sets a precedent that could spin out of control.

She does not seem to understand, and insists that she is entitled to a guest of her choice. What can we do? I worry about the creation of bad feelings on both sides of the family, if we have one aunt among many who attends our otherwise tiny, immediate-family-only event. We were working so hard to avoid this!

Thank you,

Trying to Prevent a Political Disaster

Dear Trying,

Your fiance's mother is playing some dirty pool here, though her reasons are mysterious. Clearly she understands the decisions you have had to make and is trying to pull some sort of stunt- either to prove she can flex some sort of power or to feel more in control of the situation.

You may want to sit down with your future mother-in-law and see how much she really understands about what she is doing. Ask her directly if she really wants to alienate her brothers and sisters. When you do this, take the responsibility off your shoulders and lay it on hers. She is the one making this decision. She is the one who will have to deal with the backlash. You and your fiance did your best.

Now, there may be information you don't have. Your fiance's mother may feel really uncomfortable being single and needs the support of this particular sibling, and it is possible that the others will understand and accept her decision without complaint. Let her know that if she is determined to invite her sister, she will have to bear the weight of the consequences. It isn't that your fiance's aunt will not be welcome, but you realize that this gesture of his mother's undermines everything you've done to be fair.

I sense that you don't think it will be possible to talk your fiance's mother out of her decision, so you'll just have to brace yourselves and explain to anyone who questions that this was her decision and you did not feel comfortable denying the mother of the groom.

I’m sorry it's so tricky, but this may be the moment for compromise. There is always the hope that the remaining aunts and uncles will be understanding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:40 AM    <link>

ADDRESSING CONDOLENCES

Dear Elise,

A friend's mother has died. This friend is married. Should my letter of condolence be addressed to him alone, or to
he and his wife?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

The general policy for addressing these letters is to send them to the person who is most bereaved or closest to the deceased, but you should trust your gut, really. If it makes you more comfortable to address your letter to both your friend and his wife, you would not be doing anything inappropriate.

Your friend will appreciate your concern.

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:32 PM    <link>

SHOWERS & WHEN TO CALL IT A DAY

Dear Elise,

My sister-in-law and her fiance were to get married several months from now and I was to be the matron of honor. I was planning a "by-mail" bridal shower for her with my mother-in-law since we live all over the country.

We just received an email stating that they just eloped a few days ago and are thinking of having a vow renewal ceremony sometime for the enjoyment of everyone else. Many of us are hurt what happened, but we are trying to be supportive. I think she still expects us to throw her a bridal shower (like her mother-in-law is doing in two months). Do we throw them a "by-mail" "wedding shower" or similar type event even though they are already married and my part in the wedding is pretty much null and void? What is the etiquette in this type of situation?

Thanks!

Moot Matron of Honor

Dear MMoH,

Well, there's something a little odd about the whole "by mail" shower in the first place. Showers are usually parties, and I assume the "by mail" variation means that people just send presents without attending any event. While some people may welcome the prospect of parties they don't actually have to go to, it is awkward to send out invitations to give presents with no party attached.

Now you're in the position of asking people to give presents at a wedding shower where not only will there be no physical party, there will be no wedding either. The whole business is, frankly, so uncomfortable that you should probably drop this plan. This is especially the case if your mother-in-law is throwing a "real" physical shower anyway. She should keep two things in mind. First, the shower should be thrown in the temporal vicinity of the vow renewal ceremony. It can't just happen in the void with the reception to happen at some undeclared later date. Second, everyone invited to the shower must be invited to the vow renewal party. The rule for showers and weddings still applies.

If you are determined to pursue your initial plans, I would recommend that your "by mail" shower be something where people are not required to spend any money. It is too much to ask otherwise. You could do something where people mail in recipes (something popular for in-person showers as well) or some other amusing "getting-started-in-your-new-life" tidbits.

Beyond that, you're off the hook.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:59 AM    <link>

IN-LAWS & BAD BUDGET BEHAVIOR

Dear Elise,

I’ve recently gotten engaged and I am having trouble getting my wedding plans off the ground.

My parents are going through a very difficult divorce and have neither the funds nor the enthusiasm to contribute to a wedding.

The guest list on my side will be quite small (55 people, all out-of-towners). My fiance's family’s list is now up to 150 people. His parents say that they would be willing to contribute to the wedding, but won't commit to a dollar amount until after all the plans have been made and they see all the bills. They want to make sure that their contributions are not used for any of "my" guests, because they don’t feel they should be "responsible" for subsidizing my expenses. I feel like his parents’ choice to contribute to the wedding in this way is insensitive and I don’t feel comfortable accepting money from them if it is given in this way.

I have tried to accommodate my fiance and his family. He is Jewish and I come from an Anglican background. I agreed to have a non-church wedding on a Thursday or Sunday (this makes things difficult for my traveling guests. If I have a smaller or destination wedding, then I would still have to attend a special reception hosted by his parents for their friends and family.

My fiance says I only "perceive" that they are being insensitive. In fact, he feels they are being very generous with their contribution. I would like my fiance to recognize that perhaps they are being insensitive to my situation, insensitive to us and as a result insensitive to him. I fear that if he doesn’t at least acknowledge that, we may have many more troubles ahead.

Please help

– Am I Overreacting?


Dear AIO,

You are not overreacting. Your fiance's parents are being difficult and unrealistic. This doesn't mean, of course, that all hope is lost. They may just be a little dim and not really realize what goes in to planning a wedding.

Weddings are collaborations. This makes some sense since they represent the coming together of two families and really, people shouldn't be nickel and diming each other in this way, especially when one "side" is about three times larger than the other. This leaves you in an impossible situation, planning-wise, and I’m not sure how you'd even begin even to select a venue, since there is quite a difference between planning (and paying for) a wedding with a guest list of 55 people and one of 150 (or 205 if you merge the lists).

There are a few routes you can take that may help you negotiate some sort of reasonable solution.

First, try to get your fiance involved and able to see your perspective. Give him an opportunity to call a few venues and see how far he gets in determining what prices are when he's pricing an event with a guest list of 55 knowing that another 150 people will also be invited. He won't even be able to determine the size of a venue to book, let alone how much of a budget he has to work with.

If he remains firm that his parents' plan is correct, then you may have to take a different path. You could draw a line in the sand. Say, gently, that you can't plan a wedding for 205 guests when you can only afford a 55 guest wedding and as a result you'd like to get married at City Hall and have a small dinner afterwards. Let him know you'll invite everyone you can afford to invite and if his parents want to throw a groom's side only reception elsewhere, at some other date, that's fine with you. After that, their party is in their hands, it is their expense and their responsibility and you will be a happy honored guest.

You'll never win this by fighting about it. Your fiance's parents have dug in and your fiance is either afraid of them or unwilling to see another perspective. The only thing to do is disengage. If the semi-elopement isn't acceptable, you can turn the tables on your future in-laws and say that since their guest list is three times the size of yours, they should plan the affair and you will pay for your guests. Again, this means abdicating responsibility, but they are asking you to do the impossible. You could even do what many parents do with their children and say: "I can contribute X amount of money to the wedding. This is all I have and I will give it to you to pay for my guests."

It is a terrible shame you're in such a spot and I hope your fiance comes around and figures out how to side with you over his parents because it is an unpleasant thing to have to start married life with a couple of people and their calculator sitting on your shoulders.

Congratulations, and good luck.

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:56 AM    <link>

THUNDER STEALING SIBLING

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I were engaged almost a year ago. Six weeks after we got engaged, his younger brother "Jack" asked his girlfriend "Jill" to marry him. My fiance and I scheduled our wedding for October 2007. His brother’s wedding was scheduled for 2008 until suddenly they moved it up to June 2007.

This past June I heard that Jill was planning to send out save the date cards before we had mailed out our invitations. This upset me (Jack and Jill’s wedding is the only wedding my fiance's family talks about). My future mother-in-law convinced Jack and Jill not to send their save the date cards until after our invitations had been mailed (they sent them one month later).

Now Jill scheduled her engagement party 2 weeks before my wedding. They were engaged in December 2005, why have they waited this long to have an engagement party? And why put it so close to my wedding? I really feel Jill is trying to steal all the attention from our wedding. My fiance is in Jack and Jill’s wedding party but we had to decline the invitation to the engagement party because we are simply too busy with our own wedding. Now my fiance feels guilty because his brother is upset.

Do we have a right to decline their invite? And am I justified in feeling she is purposely trying to steal attention from our wedding? I need to mention that for both of my showers, Jill has sat around and discussed her wedding and her plans with guests who came to wish my fiance and me well.

Sincerely,

Annoyed and Frustrated

Dear A&F,

If I were to tell you that you should be annoyed with your future sister-in-law, what would that do for you? It does seem as if you are correct: "Jill" is encroaching somewhat on your festivities. Whether she is doing this intentionally or is just purely oblivious is beyond me, but there is really nothing you can do about it. You can be peeved, treat it as a joke, or you can be happy that her scheduling has relieved you of an additional burden in an already full schedule.

There is nothing wrong with skipping the engagement party, and you have the perfect excuse for being unable to attend- one your future in-laws should certainly understand. Having said all of this, it would be unwise to push your irritation any further. There is nothing you can do about her behavior, and she is about to be a relative, so unless you want to sew the seeds of all kinds of future animosity, you'd be wise to try to ignore her. From the looks of it, your future in-laws are aware and willing to try to mitigate her bad behavior.

As for your fiance and his brother, this is not your fight; so let them work it out. If your fiance really feels you must go and it is important to him, don't keep him away. (If things are really crazed, of course, you could let him go to the party on his own while you continued your wedding preparations.)

Sure she's stepping on your toes, but her behavior doesn't make you look bad. Consider this a warning for the future: avoid situations with competing events. And be glad her nuptials are a good 8 months away from yours. Dueling anniversaries would be too annoying.

Smile and ignore. If she can't get a rise out of you, you've beaten her at her game.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:49 AM    <link>

INVITES FROM FAR AWAY

Hi Elise,

My fiance is American and I am Asian. My family is based in Singapore where my father plans to throw us a tea ceremony and reception. There are a number of reasons for this. My grandmother is 90 and can't really do much traveling, most of the guest list is based here and the currency conversion rate makes it expensive to throw a reception in the US. Although we would love to invite my fiance's family, we know most of them will not be able to come for financial or logistical reasons.

So, should we send them invitations to the tea ceremony? My fiance thinks it would be rude because we know they won't be able to afford the trip and they might feel awkward if they have to explain that financial reasons prohibit their traveling. He thinks we should keep quiet about the tea ceremony.

I would hate if they felt left out of the special occasion or if they heard about it by accident. In my culture giving an invite is a sign of respect in itself, even if you know the recipient cannot attend.

Throwing a separate reception in the US is financially out of the question for us. We are a young couple who have just started working.

What do you think we should do?

Thanks,
Cross Cultural Sensitivities

Dear CCS,

Your culture is not alone in believing that an invitation is a complement. It is. All you are saying when you send an invitation is that you would be honored if your prospective guest could attend whatever event it is.

Whether the invitation is received warmly or not is entirely beyond your control and it is often the case people are happy to have been invited to events, even if they are unable to attend. It's just nice to have been wanted.

Really, invitations can always be turned down and conventional etiquette never requires that people explain their reasoning. The standard "regrets" note only says that its author is sorry he or she won't be able to attend. That's it. Now, your fiance may suggest that his close relatives will think you need some good reasons for their not flying to Singapore, but you can assure him that is not the case. In this moment, especially, when destination weddings are so popular, there is even less pressure on guests. Hosts have to cut guests some extra slack because travel is expensive and time consuming.

So invite everyone if that makes you comfortable. You're right that it is always nicer to be invited and unable to attend something than to be excluded and hear about the affair third hand.

As for your inability to have a US reception, you don't have to make plans now. While you certainly don't have to have a second reception, remember that you don't even have to have a full-blown multi-course banquet. You could have an informal barbecue, a cocktail party or a dessert bash. There are many permutations that wouldn't bankrupt you which would enable you to accommodate the United States contingent.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:38 PM    <link>

ARE SAVE THE DATE CARDS INVITATIONS?

Elise,

My fiance and I are having a destination wedding in early November, and a reception back home at the end of the month. We sent Save the Date cards letting everyone know of our destination wedding, and asked them to save the date for the reception. Since then a few family members and friends have let us know that they want to attend. Do I send wedding ceremony invitations only to those members of the family who have expressed interest in attending? Will offend the others who did not express interest? If I do send out invitations, how do I let them know they are not obligated to attend and that we are having a reception later that month at home? We have separate invitations prepared for the reception.

Thank you,

- Invitation Tangle

Dear Invitation Tangle,

Save the Date communications are not formal invitations, they are IOUs for those invitations. Every person who receives the first piece of mail will expect the second; so don't change your mailing list. Generally, Save the Date cards have a one-way feel to them. They tip off one's prospective guests to the fun that lies ahead but no response is expected. Quite a lot of people are probably planning to attend who did not respond to your card, just as some people are still trying to figure out what they will do.

One of the constant questions about invitations is how to make people understand that they are not obliged to attend. Consider the language of even the most formal invitation:

"The honor of your presence is requested..."

Nowhere in this statement is there any threat or demand. Invitations are letters of welcome and if one is unable to attend, for any reason, one knows one only has to politely decline. This is especially the case with invitations that involve traveling.

Now, when you sent out your original Save the Date information, did you include a mention of your local reception? If you did, there is certainly no need to point it out again. You will be sending out your reception invitations soon as well (since the two events are not that far apart), and if you suspect anyone is a "special case" who really should know, you can explain your plans individually.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:20 PM    <link>

AVOIDING "AND GUEST"

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning on having a very small wedding ceremony, with a reception several months later. We would like to limit the reception guest list to about 100 people.

Do we have to let all single people bring dates? I do not want a lot of people I don't know attending. I will be inviting friends' and relatives' significant others whom I have met and with whom I am also friendly, so it seems unfair to allow these people dates and not others. I have heard that it's OK to address wedding invites to specific people. But is it really ok to address invites to singles without adding on "& Guest?"

Thanks,

Keeping Numbers Down

Dear KND,

The key to solving the "and guest" question is in setting a policy, though the "I only want to invite people I know and like" route is not the right approach to take.

Traditional etiquette holds that one should address all invitations by name. This means that you wouldn't use the "and guest" construction, but you would have to ask your guests for the correct spelling of their partners' names.
So, yes, you can absolutely invite single people without the "and Guest" addition.

But this opens up another set of questions, since it is possible that a number of your guests have long term boyfriends or girlfriends you don't know, so where do you draw the line? You could decide to include the partners of people who are in "committed relationships." Remember, if you allow some people who are not in firmly established relationships to bring dates, you should permit everyone to bring a companion, though you can absolutely ask for everyone's names. You must draw clear lines so that people don't feel that you are giving other people courtesies that they aren't accorded.

Pinning down a specific guest list takes some work, but it will absolutely help you down the line if you find out everyone's names early. If people demure about providing names, you know to invite them solo.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:08 AM    <link>

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