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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

SOME RULES DON'T BEND

Dear Elise,

Is it ever acceptable to invite a man to a wedding without inviting his wife? If it matters, they have been married more than 30 years.

Thank you,

Don't Like Her

Dear Don't Like Her,

No. The deal with married couples is that they are a unit and one really must invite both of them or leave them off the guest list entirely. That's all there is to it. It doesn't matter how long they've been married, but three decades is certainly a long enough span of time for the marriage to be recognized as legitimate.

Now, if you just hate the wife, I suggest seating this couple at a table far away from yours and stocking it with super-chatty people who will prevent them from coming near you.

The only possible exception to the rule that you need to invite all spouses is if the person you don't care for has actively made threats on your person or your life. In that case, however, you still may prefer to leave both members of this couple off the guest list.

They're a team and you can either accept them or ignore them.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:12 AM    <link>

MISGUIDED GROOMSPERSON

Dear Elise,

My fiance has a female attendant, and she just won't give me a chance. She is overly affectionate with him; she has "threatened" me (as in: "if you hurt him..."); and she ignores me or is cold when we see each other socially. I'm not jealous of their friendship, but I don't think I should have to deal with her nastiness during our prewedding events, much less the big day.

My fiance said he would ask her to bow down if her behavior continues, but I know that would end their friendship. Is it "bridezilla" of me to let him rescind the invitation? Should she stand up for my fiance anyway because she has been a good friend to him over the years? He talked to her about the situation, and she said it would improve, but after a couple of months, it hasn't.

Many thanks!

What's With Her?

Dear What's With,

There are two real mysteries here, neither of which has anything to do with you. Why did your fiance decide this woman was a good choice to stand up with him at his wedding and why did this woman this it would be a good idea for her to have to honor a situation she clearly can't handle?

Both of those questions raise issues that point to etiquette violations. One shouldn't ask someone to be in one's wedding if that person will suffer at the sight of witnessing the nuptials and if one is inclined to be melodramatic, abusive and awful at having to stand up for a certain wedding, one should beg off. That is the beginning and end of it.

If this woman's behavior has not let up, you are well within your rights to ask your fiance if he wants this situation to continue. It is obvious his friend is being made unhappy and uncomfortable in the situation. Point out that she would not only be HIS groomsperson, but she would be standing up as part of the larger wedding party, supporting your union with him. If she can't do that, she really shouldn't be participating in the wedding and can just be a sullen guest. Every wedding has one anyway, and she's got a head start on the sulks.

At this point, your fiance should be able to recognize that this situation is unhappy and should take matters in hand. Tell him exactly how you feel. Point out that the situation has not improved with his friend and ask him if he really wants someone as angry, nasty and unsupportive standing up with him. What kind of a friend is that, really?

Leave the decision as to whether he fires his friend or keeps her in the wedding party up to him. Don't force the issue, but prepare a few choice things to say when she is unpleasant. Would you like a few? Here:

"Why would you say that?"
"I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not canceling my wedding."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Would you like some more cake?"

Don't get angry at her ugliness, but let her see that she isn't doing herself any favors.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:34 AM    <link>

SHOULD MOM GO?

Dear Elise

My niece is getting married next year.

Her parents do not like her fiance for various reasons: he has 1000 tattoos, drinks, swears, and doesn't help my niece with mowing, etc. Is this an unhealthy relationship? My niece says she is helping him to quit drinking and cussing.

When my niece told her parents she was going to get married to this man in Las Vegas, her father said he wouldn't attend the wedding because he is afraid of flying and her mother said she would have to think about it but that she loved her daughter and as an adult she could marry anyone she wants. In truth, my niece's mother is devastated. She is deeply opposed to this wedding.

My niece is stressed because her parents dislike her fiance. She wants them to accept him and be at her wedding. She is a very good person. Her first marriage failed and she has raised her children alone for four years

Should her mother attend this wedding that she opposes?

Concerned Aunt

Dear Concerned Aunt,

Needless to say I can't comment on whether or not your niece is in a healthy relationship. But you seem to be concerned about her parents' reaction to her impending wedding.

Does your niece's mother want to support her daughter? Does she want her daughter to feel loved and as if she has someone to turn to no matter what happens? I think those are the primary questions your relative should ask herself. If your niece is determined to marry this man, and if her mother is truly concerned about her wellbeing, wouldn't it be in her interests to try to make an effort to accept her daughter's fiance and help the children with their new family situation? I should add here that your niece's father should also look into either finding some way to deal with getting on a plane or look into alternative means of transportation. It may be impossible, but it would be an enormous gesture for him to at least be able to tell his child that he tried to overcome an enormous phobia for her.

Clearly your niece already knows her family doesn't approve of her fiance, so boycotting the wedding or punishing her won't really have much of an effect, except to sadden her and drive her away. If her mother cares about supporting her child through thick and thin, she should go to the wedding, if not to celebrate the marriage itself, then so prove to her daughter that she will always be there for her.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:59 AM    <link>

WHAT, NO CARD?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I received a response card from his cousin and his wife. They are not attending. They enclosed a check, no wedding card. Isn't that in poor taste?

Thanks!

Wondering

Dear Wondering

If you're looking for a reason to hate these people I'm not going to hand you one. They were terse and can't come to your wedding but sent you a present. What they did wasn't wildly delicate or elegant, but as sins go, neglecting to write them a thank you note for their generosity would be far, far worse.

Let it go and have a wonderful wedding

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:18 AM    <link>

THE TEARS OF DIVORCED GUESTS

Dear Elise,

Growing up, I had a good friend and our families were very close. She and I grew apart after her family came to the United States, but when I moved here, her parents really reached out to me and became a big part of my life. They were the only people besides my mother I invited to my college graduation.

Seven years have passed and in the interim, this couple went through a very bitter divorce. Both of my parents (also divorced, but on great terms with each other) have remained friends with both members of the couple.

When it was time to send out the my wedding invitations, my mother insisted that I invite both of my friend's parents, in addition to my friend and her husband. She and her husband could not come, but both of her parents said yes. I was happy my mom and my dad will get to see their friends after a long time.

When my friend's mother found out that her ex-husband is planning to attend the wedding she went completely ballistic and told my mother that she is completely shocked that we would invite him, that she cannot be in the same room with him, and how mad she is that no one told her that we are inviting both of them. My poor mother tried to tell her that they are both our friends, and both took part in my life, and that she in no way wanted to hurt her. Nothing seems to make an impact on this woman. She is so upset that she is threatening to "completely rethink our friendship."

What should I do? I don't think I can "un-invite" anyone, and I don't want to lose anyone's friendship.

Thank you for your advice, I am desperate!

Panicked

Dear Panicked,

You haven't done anything wrong or damaging. Your friend is clearly hurt and still stinging from her divorce and her pain is making her act like a spoiled child, complete with tears and threats.

It is true that you would have been wise to have warned your friend that you were also inviting her ex-husband to the wedding. That would have given her a chance to make an informed decision about her attendance. That, however, is a small mistake, but this woman has no right to dictate the guest list for your wedding and she is presumptuous in thinking that you are insulting her friendship with you. All you are doing is refusing to choose sides and, given how little you know about the circumstances of her relationship with her ex-husband, that is more than reasonable.

What can you do? Talk to her and reassure her that you care deeply about her and want her to attend your wedding. You can describe the steps you will take to ensure she will not have to come into contact with her ex-husband (assigned seating at the reception, flanking her with people she knows and likes during the ceremony, etc.). If she says she simply can't bear to attend, tell her how deeply sorry you are, reiterate that you never meant to hurt her and be as supportive as you can be.

Understand that you didn't do anything wicked. Divorced couples are often invited to the same events and manage to enjoy themselves without rekindling ire. It is not your responsibility to have to choose between them. Good luck. Take care of your friend but don't let her make you feel ugly or guilty for anything.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:09 AM    <link>

DID I SLIGHT HER AND WHAT DO I DO NOW?

Dear Elise-

My fiance and I almost made it to the altar with zero issues amongst our families- until it came time for my bachelorette party. My fiance's friends' wives graciously decided to throw me a bachelorette dinner. His sister, who is standing up for him on his side of the altar, was invited to the party, since she is a good friend of the party planners.

Some friends of mine from college are also throwing me a bachelorette night in a couple of weeks. His sister was not invited to this one because she doesn't know any of the girls who will be there.

Long story short: my fiance's mother called him, furious with me for not inviting his sister to this second party. Now the whole family is convinced that I hate them. Obviously, I am going to apologize profusely for the hurt feelings, but was I wrong?
Thanks!

Desperate for a Drink

Dear Desperate,

Your rightness or wrongness really doesn't matter at this point and it is all relative (no pun intended, really) anyway. What if you were extremely right? Would you dig in your heels and tell your future sister-in-law that she's a moron for perceiving a slight? Of course not, you're already stuck with the threat of mopey future family members.

So what can you do? You can absolutely apologize for the oversight and say that you had no idea she would want to come on this excursion with strangers. If it is at all possible, you should invite your future sister-in-law to join your merry band of bacheloretters. Present the whole business as an innocent mistake and one you're desperate to rectify, and you stand a good chance of all of this becoming water under the bridge.

Of course, if your fiance's family decides to cling to this issue instead of letting it go or accepting your apologies and conciliatory gestures, then you have a different problem on your hands. In that event, you'll just have to keep smiling and repeating something like: "I can't tell you how sorry I am that your feelings were hurt. I really didn't mean anything. Please let me know how I can make it up to you." Until that point, see what you can do to create peace in your small corner.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:48 AM    <link>

NO KIDS! NO PROBLEM

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I agreed a long time ago that there would be NO KIDS at our wedding. Everyone we invited who has small children was made aware of our decision. All of the guests on my side to whom this issue applies have all made babysitting arrangements. My fiance's cousin, who has a 2 year old, just called saying that he and his wife are having problems finding a babysitter and asked how long he would have to let us know if he and his wife can come, depending on the sitter situation.

Now I don't want to be seen as a bitchy bride to my new family, but I DON'T want kids at my wedding! The ceremony and reception are in the same tiny room, and it costs $60 a person. I also don't feel I should have to justify why I don't want kids around at MY wedding. I DON'T feel that I should have to cave in, especially when all of my guests have already found child care. I'm afraid my in-laws to be are all going to be offended if this cousin and wife won't be able to come because of MY "rule".

What should I do? Certainly I can't allow ONE couple to bring their kid, when others can't. Should I just call everyone back and tell them they can now bring their child if they want? Even though I DESPISE that idea??

I feel like I'm really stuck here. And the wedding is now less than three weeks away.

Help!
Not a Kid Hater

Dear NKH,

I'm not sure that you even have a problem. It doesn't appear as if anyone is arguing with you and your fiance's cousin's question seems not only innocent, but respectful of your situation.

Most people need to have a head count for their caterers a couple of weeks before the wedding. You are probably facing this deadline yourselves and it seems your fiance's cousin is sensitive to this but wanted to see if he had a few more days in which to find a sitter. He didn't ask to bring his toddler. He just wanted to buy some time.

Do you think he's trying to pull something? If so, you still have nothing to worry about. You made the no-kid decision. You told everyone. 99% of everyone was able to either get a babysitter or tell you they wouldn't be able to make it without complaining. If you have a single squeaky wheel, and as I said, it really doesn't sound as if your fiance's cousin is doing anything but trying to accommodate your needs and his own, your fiance will just have to let his relative know that he's sorry if they can't find a sitter. You can always offer to get together after the wedding. At this point you can't just invite one child without causing mass ire in the ranks of your guests.

I think you're jumping the gun on being defensive about this. Your decision not to have children at your wedding is not bizarre. People do this all the time. People who have kids get used to having to find child care for all sorts of reasons, and again, you aren't asking something outrageous. There are a lot of variables that come up when one has kids, and parents can prepare for them as best they can, but sometimes they have to opt out of events because no sitters are available or someone gets sick or there is a conflict of plans. These things just happen and there's no one to blame or resent, it is just the way of the world.

So, don't assume everyone will question your choices, and if you can let your fiance's cousin have a few more days to try to make arrangements. Caterers should be capable of budgeting for an extra two heads, so you probably won't even hear too much complaining on that end.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:41 AM    <link>

ADDRESSING WHEN THE MAN DROPS HIS NAME

Hi Elise,

I haven't been able to find an answer to this anywhere. How do you address a couple when the husband has taken his wife's surname? Are the husband and wife addressed separately, as "Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith"? Is the traditional "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" still acceptable, even if he's Mr. John Smith, nee Jones? And is the wife even a "Mrs." in this case?

Thanks,

Confused Woman Whose Husband-To-Be Will Have a "Bachelor" Name

Dear Confused,

When it comes to addressing envelopes, one is always best off considering the people involved. Are they traditionalists who would prefer the "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" construction, or are they people who resent that women's names get dropped and would prefer "Mrs. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith" or "Jane and John Smith" constructions? This is no different when a man has taken his wife's last name.

So, what feels best to you? If you want to play it safe, you don't have to hesitate about using either of the constructions that include both first names.

As for the question of title, "Ms." is particularly useful when one is confused, since it is very general and can apply to women of any martial status. It is the safest and easiest choice you can make in this case.

Remember, if your friends prefer a different construction, they can always let you know what it is but you will have made every effort to make them comfortable.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:08 AM    <link>

THE HIGH PRICE OF WEDDING PARTIES

Dear Elise,

My daughter lives in the West, but most of her friends live on the East Coast. She was in a girlfriend's wedding in September and the total cost for the event was $1000.

She has just received a call from another friend, asking to be in another wedding next November (also on the East coast), and she has 4 more friends that are getting engaged this year. I'm figuring these weddings will cost a minimum of $5000 over the next couple of years.

Is it appropriate to explain the hardship of being in these wedding and say she would love to attend the wedding but the cost of a gown and pitching in for shower and etc. is out of hand? We are curious where the etiquette lies on this matter.

Overtaxed Parents

Dear OP,

The costs of being part of a wedding party are no joke. Bridesmaids and groomsmen alike have to deal with travel expenses, hotel costs, party hosting obligations, sartorial expenditures (dresses, tuxedos, shoes, accessories, etc.), and often piles of other incidental items one must shell out for.

So, no one should ever be ashamed of being unable to support the financial burden of being in multiple weddings, or even one, for that matter. There is nothing wrong with being honest and saying that you simply can't afford it.

Before signing on, your daughter should talk frankly with her friends, the brides-to-be. Some of them may be having weddings that won't be taxing at all, where your daughter could select her own dress, and would really only have to deal with travel costs. Other friends might have greater expectations and then your daughter will have to decide if she can afford to be in their weddings. It is no breach of etiquette to ask about the bride's expectations. Being a member of a wedding is a job, on top of being an honor, and no one should be expected to bankrupt him or herself for an honor (or a job).

If the price of being in a wedding is too high, it is not rude for your daughter to thank her friend (or friends) for the honor and say that, while she simply can't afford to be part of the wedding, she looks forward to being a guest.

It is terrible that one must make this sort of decision, but this is the price of being popular and unfortunately, this is the result of wedding fantasies that are too rigorously brought to life, without realizing how difficult it will be for the wedding party to sustain the dream.

Good luck and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:37 AM    <link>

COMMUNICATING DESIRE THROUGH TRADITION

Hello Elise,

In Asian cultures, money is traditionally given to the bride and groom as a wedding gift. In fact, it is expected when going to the wedding reception, but in America, it is common practice to give gifts. I, for one, would not ask for money or gifts outright, but if I had to choose I'd prefer cash. We could save it and use it for a down payment on a house.

My friends have advised me to register for gifts anyway, and I did it reluctantly. I also have a wedding website, on which I've included a list of the places we’ve registered.

I was entertaining the idea of including "Bank of America" as one of my registries, as a hint to what I prefer. Would that seem like I'm asking for money? Would it also be rude to "educate" people of the Asian custom of money giving on my website? I am not sure how comfortable I am with the idea of telling them in person.

Thanks,

How Can I Say It?

Dear How Can I Say,

Indeed, many cultures, not only Asian ones, participate in money giving wedding traditions. But present-giving is something that people feel very strongly about and it is as difficult to get cash cultures to switch to wineglasses as it is for bone china types to hand over a check. Each present carries such different connotations for the gift-giver that one could practically psychoanalyze your guests based on the presents they offer.

It is a sign that you can't bring yourself to tell someone out loud and in person that you want cash presents. Asking for money is an extremely uncomfortable thing to do, and your reluctance is completely reasonable. This should extend to making an announcement on your web site.

Why is it acceptable (if only just) to post your registry information and not a bank account number? In the first case, you're offering a few suggestions but in the second, you are making a specific demand- for something that makes people feel squeamish.

You do not mention whether a large percentage of your guests are from Asian cultures, but you are really best off letting the people who buy off registries check out your web site and let the cash-gift givers follow their own traditions. If people ask you directly, and you don't feel too awkward, you can let them know directly that you'd prefer money for a house payment, but otherwise, you're safest if you leave the present selection to your guests.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:42 AM    <link>

SHOULD I INVITE ANYONE

Dear Elise,

I am getting married next year and I am a bit confused. First, I still have not chosen my wedding party. My fiance has, but I do not have that many close friends, coworkers or siblings. I do not know who to chose because I am afraid if I ask people to be my maid of honor and bridesmaids they will reject me. How do I overcome this and who to ask?

I also do not know if I should invite family to my wedding. My parents know I am getting married. My Grandma knows (but not the wedding date), but I'm not sure if my aunts, uncles or cousins know or if they even know I am seeing anyone. My one aunt and uncle have been estranged from my parents and me for about 8 years. I don't want to invite them because I will be afraid they will ruin my day. However, my aunt and uncle are extremely close with my Grandma and I'm thinking about not inviting any of my family.

I was just wondering if it's OK to keep the wedding a secret and not tell anyone until after I get married, or do I not bother saying anything at all for years to come until someone asks me? What should I do?

Thanks for your input

Anxious

Dear Anxious,

Usually wedding party problems arise from people not giving enough thought to their choices. I suspect you are actually giving this a little too much thought. You don't need to have anyone stand up with you at all. That is a perfectly reasonable choice.

Now, what do you want? Keep in mind that it is a nice thing, a flattering thing to ask someone to take part in your wedding. The people one would ordinarily call one's friends should understand that and be happy and gracious about being offered the honor. Even if your friends are unable to accept (for reasons that may be beyond you, such as previous obligations or financial issues), they will still be pleased that you thought of them. Choose carefully, of course, but all you are doing is asking one or more people you care about to stand up with you at your wedding. You are making a happy offer.

Now, your feelings about family and your wedding are bordering on eccentric and if you run with them, you risk creating greater rifts than already exist. If you want to be married secretly, you should elope. In the most classic interpretation of the verb, this would mean running off with just your fiance and getting married without any of your family or friends around.

I suspect this is not what you or your fiance wants to do. It would be quite insulting for you to invite his family and not your own. Your parents know you are engaged and so does your grandmother. You say you are close to them, so why not invite them to your wedding? If your aunt and uncle are so objectionable, your parents will also be happy not to invite them, and you can all certainly explain this decision to your grandmother.

So keep everything in perspective. You don't have to include the relatives you don't speak to, but if you are doing something as grown up as getting married you should be able to do it without being ashamed or coy.

Hold your head high, have a wonderful time, and try to keep in mind that your wedding is a happy occasion and people should be flattered to be invited in any capacity.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:32 AM    <link>

HIDDEN COSTS OF BEING A BRIDESMAID

Dear Elise,

Last month I was in a friend's wedding. Another bridesmaid and I were her only post-high school friends in the bridal party. She and I live far away from where the wedding was, but the other bridesmaids all still live nearby.

Cost was an issue for the both of us, and one of the other bridesmaids put us up for the weekend in her mother's house. I had to fly out the day before the wedding and my flight got in a few hours after the shower (which was held at the same house where I was staying and organized by that bridesmaid and the bride's sister).

I recently received a "bill" for the shower expenses, divided among the bridesmaids. I object to this. I am pretty sure that etiquette dictates that the person who throws the shower is responsible for the costs.

I did offer to "help" in my emails, but it was not intended to be financial. The money I "owe" is nearly $100, something I can't really just easily write her a check for. This move seems to have come out of nowhere - one month after the wedding, and now I am being asked to cough up money for a shower that I wasn't even at? If the bride knew about this (which of course I would never even mention to her), she would probably object as well. She was already feeling awful about how much the wedding costing me. What do I do here? Do I have to pay her? And if not, how do I tactfully decline? I did stay at her house, but that was because I could not budget in a hotel room (which would have cost me around what I now "owe"). Please help!

Post-wedding surprised

Dear P-W S,

Indeed, it sounds as if you were smacked hard by the incredible volume of expenses that can land on a bridesmaid. The difficulty here, is that people always concentrate exclusively on the "fun" and "honor" of being a bridesmaid and rarely warn people of their expectations. It is crucial that brides tell their friends and relatives about what they want so that prospective attendants can decide whether or not they can afford the honor of being in the wedding party.

Now, one of the standard obligations that bridesmaids face is throwing a bridal shower (and often a bachelorette party as well). These things are usually organized and hosted by the wedding party as a collective (often the maid of honor is endowed with being the "chairman" of the party committee). The financial and temporal burdens of throwing the shower are shared by the bridesmaids, so no one gets stuck having to pay for everything or run all the errands. As you can see, in this light, it makes sense that you, as a bridesmaid, would be asked to help defray the costs of the shower as an equal member of the wedding party. Whether or not you were able to attend the event is immaterial.

Now, in all fairness, your fellow bridesmaids should have run a budget past everyone to make sure you could all afford the shower. This was a mistake, but it is now after the fact.

At bottom, this bridesmaid who sent you the bill opened her mother's house to you and did you a big favor. Do you really want to saddle her with additional expenses? If $100 is too much for you to send her at once, it is more than reasonable that you contact her and ask if you can pay her in a few installments- $20 a month, or whatever is acceptable to you. But this is not the fight you want to have with someone who did go out of her way to save you hotel bills.

Of course it feels unfair to have a sudden large expense thrust upon you, but imagine how unfair it would feel to the other bridesmaids having to cover your share of the shower costs. Someone should have laid out all plans ahead of time, but it is common practice for the wedding party to share the burden of these expenses. If it helps, try to think of this as money you would have spent anyway if the other bridesmaid's mother hasn't been so generous about putting you up. Find a way to pay over time and this whole business won't feel so hard to deal with. I'm sorry you were blindsided. It isn't fair and it is something all wedding parties need to avoid doing to their members.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:03 AM    <link>

HE WANTS TO PLAY

Dear Elise,

My fiance is a musician and plays in several bands. We really wanted a live wedding band until we started shopping around and found so many of them were really expensive or cheesy or both. (We are getting married in the Adirondacks and our choices are a bit limited.)

Most of my fiance's bandmates are invited to the wedding, so now his idea is to have his buddies (half of them are groomsmen) be the band and he says he will play with them "in between things I have to do."

I am sensing this is a recipe for disaster. What are your thoughts?

Thank you so much.

Handling a Musical Groom

Dear Handling,

One man's recipe for disaster is another's feast of delight, so whether your fiance plays at your wedding really isn't a question of etiquette. . . unless it makes you uncomfortable or angry or hurts your feelings.

Now, what is he talking about? Does he think he will plunk himself up onstage for the bulk of the reception? Does he plan on hopping up at strategic moments and playing a number or two here and there? Those are two different scenarios, one of which could upset and annoy you and the other might amuse and please you. I couldn't say from where I sit.

This question extends beyond his participation. If he wants his friends to play, he is also asking them not to participate in the reception. They would have to have their meals separately and wouldn't get to hang out and dance and chat and do all those other wedding activities. They might prefer playing to socializing, but your fiance should realize that he is thinking about asking his friends to do something quite large. It may be perfectly acceptable and desirable in his set or his friends may feel put upon. Again, I can't say, but this needs to be thought out carefully and everyone needs to be asked well in advance so that no one feels put on the spot.

At the very least, your fiance is looking to have an extremely full plate for the festivities and if you don't want him to be distracted and want to have him at your side for the meal and dancing and all the reception chatter, you need to tell him how you feel.

Groom in the band might work for you, it might not, but only you can gauge that. And if it doesn't work for you, you should absolutely let him know.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:54 AM    <link>

INVITING EXTREMELY EXTENDED FAMILY

Dear Elise,

Are there rules of etiquette about inviting the parents of one's daughter-in-law to one's daughter's wedding?

Thank you.

Parents of the Bride

Dear Parents,

In truth, there are no specific rules about in-law wedding invitations. What you decide to do must depend on a great set of variables:

How many people are being invited to the wedding?

Is there a strong relationship with the daughter-in-law's parents? Do they even know your daughter?

If the situation were reversed and you received an invitation to a wedding in your daughter-in-law's family, would you be perplexed and surprised?

It does happen sometimes that whole families join when a couple marries, but this is neither the norm nor something that should be presumed to be the case.

Unless you are close, in which case you would probably not feel inclined to write to me, you do not need to invite your daughter-in-law's parents to your child's wedding.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:10 AM    <link>

CAN'T MAKE ME TELL

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend proposed a week ago. After I happily accepted, we told our families. When we broke the news to my future mother in law (with whom I don't get along) she asked how her son proposed. I told her that it was a private moment that I preferred to keep between her son and myself. You should have seen her face- it looked like I spit at her.

Now word has come back to me that she is hurt by my refusal to tell my betrothal story. I have told my mom and sister because I love and am close to them. I do not feel the same way in the least about my boyfriend's mother and I don't feel that I did anything wrong in not telling her. It is my business and I in no way see that she is automatically entitled to know it. I think it is good to set boundaries, especially with this woman, who cannot seem to stop asking me a ton of personal questions. I think if I set limits now, she will get the hint that she will not be involved in every facet of my marriage. So, tell me, am I wrong not to have shared the engagement story? Am I right to set limits? I should also say I am a very private, introspective person and I really don't like answering personal questions or sharing personal info.

Private Person

Dear Private,

One is frequently asked what one's engagement story is. I'm not sure why this is such a lively topic of conversation, since what it seems most to do is create all sorts of pressure in the propos-ers to come up with a creative story-worthy proposal. Why else would people commission such public displays as newspaper advertisements or "Marry Me" ads on the scoreboards at sporting events? There are a few restaurants here in Manhattan- one in particular is always on the news at Valentines Day season- where on any given night one can't wander to the powder room with out stumbling over at least one hopeful soul dropping onto bended knee in front of everyone. Getting engaged often involves a very public display of very private feelings. And it makes a degree of sense when one keeps in mind that marriage in itself involves signing a contract that becomes a public record. It is announcing to the world that you are married.

Your fiance's mother was asking how he proposed, not begging for a description of the circumstance under which you conceived her grandchild. Her question was neither weird nor wildly intrusive and for you to treat it this way actually was rather rude, or at the very least off-putting.

Before you get defensive, please don't think I'm telling you that you should simply cave to her whims, or become a different person who blabs everything about everything to everyone. But even if your future mother-in-law was being wildly intrusive, there are a few ways of handling her question that may have been less harsh. Here are a few alternative scripts:

- You could have demurred and said blushingly: "He was very sweet, and all I could do was say `yes.'"

- You could have given a quick factual rundown, absent of all emotion: "Well, we went out for a fabulous dinner at this bistro we love and he asked me to marry him. You know, they make their frites with a little bit of cayenne pepper and they are so incredibly delicious. Have you tried them?"

- You could have been evasive: "Well it was really a surprise and now I just feel so excited. There is so much to do and so much going on. Was this a surprise to you, too?"

It is entirely possible that your fiance's mother is a busybody, but in this one instance, you were uncharitably aggressive. Perhaps she was just trying to be interested in this happy moment. Maybe she was taking your engagement as an opportunity to try to mend some fences with you.

What did you hope to accomplish in being so harsh? This woman is your fiance's mother, no matter how you slice it, and even if you don't want to open her heart to her, there are plenty of ways in which you can be polite and kind without revealing what you feel are tender emotions that aren't her business.

If you want to make amends, just to smooth her feathers, it wouldn't be too much to apologize for being short and giving her a tidbit of general information that you don't mind being public.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:00 PM    <link>

CLASH OF EVENTS & FAMILY CHATTERBOXES

Hi, there:

I have two concerns:

1) My fiance and I have a limited wedding budget, and I have a huge family. My mother has 11 siblings. Since I'm not close to a few of her brothers and sisters, I've been given the green light to exclude them from our guest list. Unfortunately, one of my uncles (who IS invited) has taken it upon himself to plan the biannual family reunion-including all of my mom's extended family- for the same weekend as my wedding, in a location that is extremely close to where I'll be getting married. We've tried explaining to him that two events would create way too much stress for my mom, and have so far avoided telling him that one of the biggest reasons the reunion can't happen at that time is because not everyone is invited to the wedding. Do you have any thoughts on how to handle this?

2) Our household is pretty well equipped and we're hoping not to accumulate "stuff," so I've been looking into online honeymoon registries. I quickly realized, though, that essentially you're registering for cash, and not actual extras for your honeymoon. Is it tacky to set up something like that in addition to or in lieu of a traditional gift registry?

Thanks in advance for your response.

Family Logjam

Dear Family Logjam,

Unfortunately, you are facing the almost inevitable problem of inviting some siblings and not others to a wedding. It is deeply inadvisable to do this because it tends to create bad feelings. Even if you really aren't close to some of your aunts and uncles and this is completely out in the open, they may perceive the slight as coming from your mother, not you.

What can you do about this? If it is at all possible, I think you should consider inviting the aunts and uncles you were planning to exclude. I understand your budgetary restrictions, but does omitting these folks really save you so much money as to make the possible extended ire and discomfort worth it?

If you really can't include these relatives, you'll have to come clean to your uncle. While it is unlikely he will be able to switch venues, at least you will have provided him with enough information so that he doesn't blab about the wedding to his uninvited siblings and feel like a jerk.

As for your registry question, honeymoon registries usually allow guests to pay towards the wedding couple's travel expenses. Some folks embrace any kind of registry and are happy to give money towards a trip or hotel somewhere, while others would hate this kind of thing and only want to give tangible items. It isn't rude to create a honeymoon registry (though for your own sake, do careful research and make sure you set it up with a reputable company). You are right that setting up a more "traditional" registry as well, to give your guests some choice in the matter, will help alleviate any discomfort you or they may have.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:35 AM    <link>

SLACKER MAID OF HONOR OR DEMANDING BRIDE?

Dear Elise,

I asked my cousin to be my maid of honor. We were really close up until we had a falling out a few years ago, but recently our bond seems to have mended. Even though I don't see her very often, I feel like we always pick up right where we left off. My problem is that I don't feel that she's taking the maid of honor role seriously, and I'm actually beginning to regret asking her to fill the role!

I can never get a hold of her when I need to make plans with the wedding party, and even when I leave messages for her, she never returns them, so I end up having to track her down at work. I have 2 other bridesmaids and they are always very quick to respond to any requests/questions that I have. I just feel that with all of the planning involved with bachelorette parties and bridal showers, that the 2 bridesmaids might get stuck with all of the planning because my maid of honor doesn't seem to realize how important all of these events are.

I made sure that she knows what the maid of honor responsibilities are. I've sent her an email outlining them, and I gave her a book called "The Bridesmaid's Handbook". I feel as though she knows what she should do but hopes that if she puts things off for long enough, that someone else will take care of them.

Since this is the first time (and hopefully only time) that I am getting married, I want everything to play out well. I just want what any other bride would want for her special day. I would like to sit down and have a talk with my cousin about my concerns, but I really don't know the best way to go about it. I want her to know that if she's going to be too busy for all of the tasks required of her, that she has the choice to back out of the responsibilities without hurting my feelings, but I don't know how to say these things to her without damaging the relationship we have.

Thank you,
Worried Bride

Dear Worried Bride,

Indeed, you have every reason to be worried. You picked someone with whom you have a complicated and delicate relationship to be your maid of honor, so the stakes are quite high.

It is understandable that bridal party tasks (which vary considerably- more on that in a moment) might seem to be representative of your whole relationship with your cousin, but it is important that you keep these things distinct. Fundamentally, your friendship with your cousin should be more important than her relative performance as your maid of honor. If you feel she is being deliberately cruel to you, that is a different story, but if she is just flakey and pressed for time and money, you will have to modify your expectations.

Now, bridal party duties are extremely flexible. Some maids of honor are only required to show up at the wedding and stand up with the bride, while others do the whole number: get the dress, host showers and bachelorette parties, sign the marriage license, organize present giving, etc. The bride needs to make her wishes known clearly at the outset. This gives her potential maid of honor and bridesmaids the opportunity to decide whether or not they feel up to the job or whether they can clearly state what they can do and let the bride decide if she can accept a maid of honor who doesn't do as much work as the bride had hoped.

You have a lot of expectations and your cousin doesn't appear to be fulfilling them, which leaves you with two choices: you can ask her not to be your maid of honor anymore (and risk ruining a relationship you have only just started to rebuild), or you can revise your expectations of what your maid of honor will do.

Consider what you are asking and whether you can compromise, talk to your cousin and ask her what she feels she can do, then decide whether to proceed with your wedding party as-is, or fire her if you're willing to sacrifice your relationship.

As a practical matter, there is no reason why bridesmaids and maids of honor ever need to be overwhelmed or exploited. Indeed, all of these parties and activities may be in the service of the bride, but if things cost too much or threaten to take up too much time, no one should be punished for taking part in a wedding and either the plans should be scaled down or the bride can participate more.

These are your choices but each has a cost: one way you compromise your vision somewhat, the other you ruin your friendship with your cousin.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:00 AM    <link>

6 WEEKS IN BETWEEN WEDDINGS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have a one year-old daughter and after much consideration, we have decided to get married a month and a half after my older brother's wedding. I have discussed it with both my parents and future sister-in-law, and everyone seems to be supportive except for my brother. He doesn't seem enthused, and he even told my mother that he was planning a ski trip for the weekend we are having our wedding.

Given our situation, we aren't really required to plan our nuptials around our guests' ski trips; we chose this date because it is around the holidays, when my fiance's family will be visiting from out-of-town. They cannot afford to come up twice within a few months and that would mean we would have to wait and have our wedding this summer.

The bottom line is, we don't want to wait anymore, we want to be married and it is very important for us to have our family and friends there to share with. Are we making the wrong choice in deciding to be married so close to my brother's wedding?

Thank you and please help!

Setting the Date

Dear Setting,

I've said it before and I'll say it again, weddings take place in a single day. Certainly it is possible, even popular, for people to schedule whole weekends (or weeks) of activities and this is especially the case with destination weddings, but fundamentally the day of the wedding is the day to be respected. No one gets to reserve an entire season. The whole idea, frankly, is insane, and represents an attitude that should not be encouraged.

Having said that, it is your brother's privilege to go on a ski trip or Nile expedition or whatever and if he does take off when he knows you have planned your wedding, you will not be the one to look like a fool. He is surely going to get questioned on his decisions by your family and friends and he will have to cope with the fallout.

If he truly sticks to his guns, just tell him you're very sorry he can't make it and you hope he has a good time on the slopes. You won't win anything by fighting with him, and you'll just feel silly and manipulated if you try to plan your nuptials around his vacation schedule, so let him do what he wants. You've made him aware of your plans, and they don't at all intrude upon his wedding expectations. If he suggests as much, you can tell him he is mistaken, but you realize he needs to ski. You've made your choice, the rest is up to him.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:16 PM    <link>

HE DRINKS TOO MUCH

Dear Elise,

I recently became engaged. Our families get along incredibly well. My one issue is that my fiance's brother is a full-blown alcoholic, and this past summer he had a withdrawal seizure at his brother's rehearsal dinner in front of over 50 people. It was horrible! His brother still hasn't even acknowledged what he did or apologized to me. (I performed the first-aide necessary during and after his seizure and dealt with the EMTs.)

As far as we know he is still drinking and has lied to us about how he has stopped drinking. So, what can my fiance and I do to make sure this doesn't happen to us? I can't ban my fiance's brother from our wedding. (My fiance wants his brother in the bridal party.) But I am NOT OK with having him there at the risk of God only knows what happening with him. I don't want to be "the bad guy" in the family but I don't want our wedding ruined either.

Very Torn

Dear VT,

I believe it is the second of the famous 12 Steps that asks people to accept that there is a higher power. In your case, you must accept that you will not necessarily be able to control your future brother-in-law no matter what you do. Something beyond anything you do will have to effect that change. Your fiance's brother was surely extremely embarrassed for having seized at his other brother's rehearsal dinner, which perhaps accounts for his not thanking you for everything you did for him.

Take counsel with yourself. How can you best prepare for this man's presence at your nuptials?

In the first place, your fiance should speak to his brother and gently let him know that, while he understands that his brother is struggling against something enormous and horrible, it is very important that he be present and intact- in mind and body- at the wedding and that he is worried about him.

But everyone must tread carefully. It is extremely possible your future brother-in-law has heard this line before and taken it too much to heart. You say that he suffered a seizure from alcohol withdrawal, which implies that before his other brother's wedding, he took a flying leap onto the wagon without medical supervision. Alcohol withdrawal is no joke and part of this conversation should be a discussion about how he can take care of himself. He may not be able to stop drinking by the time your wedding rolls around, but it is not unreasonable to express concern, offer to help, and get him to be responsible for the drinking he does do.

You'll never be able to reform someone, but the best you can do is to let him know that you are worried and want to make sure he'll be all right at the wedding. Offer to provide what help and support you can, and that is the best you can do.

I'm sorry you and your fiance's family are faced with this.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:01 AM    <link>

KEEP BACK 200 FEET

Dear Elise

I was recently a bridesmaid. The bride and I had met only a few months before her engagement and I was surprised when she asked me to be in her wedding party. I was flattered, of course, but wary since I didn't know her that well and suspected that she would be a high maintenance bride. I said yes, truly hoping for the best.

Well, the months between the engagement and wedding really threw me off. To say the bride was flakey and indecipherable would be an understatement (and a euphemism). The few times we spoke in those months involved mass email (to her 10 bridesmaids) detailing what to wear and what to buy for her events. At the wedding and parties (shower, rehearsal dinner, etc.) she seemed to avoid me and actively walked away from me whenever I tried to approach her. I found myself the odd bridesmaid out a few hours prior to the ceremony (it was a destination wedding), because none of the other bridesmaids could tell me I had to be to get my hair done before the wedding. When I finally found them an hour before the ceremony, everyone else had been there for hours. It was truly uncomfortable. Then, at the wedding reception, the bride walked away when I approached her.

More than hurt, I was exasperated and angry. I had gone to enormous trouble and expense to help celebrate her wedding, which was a (very expensive) weekend affair, and I can't begin to understand why I was so snubbed. Under normal circumstances, I would talk to her, but frankly I would rather cut my losses. Since she and her new husband are acquaintances whom I will see from time to time (we have mutual friends) how should I handle future run-ins to minimize awkwardness?

Thanks for your advice.

Burned Bridesmaid

Dear BB,

Indeed, it seems as if you were indeed burned, and I’m sorry you had to endure such an unpleasant weekend.

If you have no interest in salvaging the friendship, you are certainly under no compunction to do anything with your former friend. In your place, it would actually be quite liberating to imagine you no longer know her. In practice, this might be tricky given your overlapping acquaintances, but you can still manage. When you see your former friend, be polite but distant. You don't need to talk to her about your life or plans and you don't need to pretend to be interested in her. Just smile, say some quick friendly hellos and move on. You're busy. You have other fish to fry and she has other lemons to suck, so to speak.

This way no one can suggest you've been rude or cold, and you will be able to maintain a pleasant detachment that will keep you from getting ruffled again. You will be well rid of her and have an intact conscience.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:49 AM    <link>

BRIDESMAID RETRIBUTION

Dear Elise,

A close friend of mine got married last January. First she announced that she would not be having friends as bridesmaids. She told me and our other very close friend that she felt it was too political, and that's why she opted out, but that she was actually having one friend as a bridesmaid, a childhood friend who lives overseas.

Despite my immense disappointment at not being a bridesmaid, and feeling it was unjust that she was not only having one, but having one who would not be contributing at all, I ended up throwing both her bridal shower and her engagement party.

Now I am planning a wedding, and I plan on having six bridesmaids, none of whom is this friend. I know that she may be offended, since if she had had six bridesmaids, I surely would have been one, but I too was offended by her decision regarding her bridesmaids, and so I'm wondering if I have to take her feelings into account, or if she should just suck it up and deal the same way I did.

I don't feel that I am excluding her to be spiteful - the other six girls really are closer friends - but I know that if I had been a bridesmaid for her, she surely would be one for me. Am I obligated to have her?

Thanks!

~Hates Bridal Politics

Dear HBP,

You may truly hate bridal politics, but you are certainly feeding the fire.

In fact, your friend was completely honest with you: she didn't want to have to cull a small group of best friends from her larger group of friends, so she picked one person, someone to whom she has been close since childhood, and someone who is completely outside her adult circle of friends to stand up with her. Her decision was quite appropriate.

Why did you decide to throw not one but two parties for your friend? You certainly were not under any obligation to do that. I can only assume that unless your friend forced you to host the shower and engagement party, which would certainly put your friendship in a harsh light, you did it because you wanted to.

Now, you of course have the right to cast anyone you want as your bridesmaids, and you certainly are not under any obligation to include your friend. But it is mean spirited of you to point to your friend's decision not to choose from among a group of close friends, which was clearly made expressly in hopes of not hurting anyone's feelings, as a reason for not asking her to join your bridal party.

Ultimately, you are best off letting go of this issue. Your friend did what she thought would protect people's feelings and you seem to want to hurt her. If you decide to exclude her, leave the whole question of her wedding out of your decision making process and protect your friendship with her.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:59 AM    <link>

REQUESTING CASH

Elise,

My fiance and I are both 40 years old. We own our own home and we don't want to register at local stores since we are not really in need of most household items. We also have no desire for specialty items such as crystal or china. We would like monetary gifts in lieu of traditional gifts through a bridal/wedding registry. Help!

Bride to Be

Dear Bride to Be,

I can't help you too much, I'm afraid. There are many elements to weddings over which you have complete control, but when it comes to wedding presents, you can only exert yourself so much.

It is almost impossible to demand money of one's guests unless one comes from a community or region where cash presents are the norm. Many people feel very uncomfortable about giving money, others believe strongly in giving something practical or something fancy or something hand-selected to the wedding couple. Imagine telling your friends and family that you only want money. Does this feel comfortable to you?

If it does, go right ahead and spread the word. Do not register for standard presents and if asked what you want you can let everyone know that you want cash. This is the only way to go about it. Do not put this in writing anywhere- not in an invitation, not on a website, nowhere. If you don't feel comfortable asking for cash, this should show you why the etiquette surrounding presents is so delicate.

Now, expect to be disappointed no matter what you say. Plenty of guests ignore wedding registries and plenty will ignore your preferences no matter what you say. That's just the way it is, I'm afraid.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:25 AM    <link>

HE'S MARRIED! WHY CAN'T HE TELL PEOPLE?

Dear Elise,

My son lives two hours away from he. When he found out that his girlfriend of 3 years was pregnant, the two of them went to the magistrate's office and got married right away. His dad and I were not informed of any of this for almost a month. Everything is okay, but he has not announced this to any of his relatives. It has been 3 months now. I feel that this is his responsibility, but as his mom, I also feel awkward that his dad, brother, and I are the only ones that know he's married and expecting a child in January.

What should I do? Friends and family ask about him and he seems to be avoiding everyone. I didn't want to interfere, so I have left it up to him to make the announcement. However, since I live in his hometown, I'm the one having to deal with this. What is the correct way to get this out in the open without my having to explain/justify/excuse the situation?

Tongue-Tied Mom

Dear Tongue-Tied,

There are a few secrets it is difficult to keep forever. Even if one manages not to let on that one is pregnant (this seems to work for a very rare few), one eventually ends up with an undeniable child. Marriage, not being an entity that wanders around and talks on its own at any point, is a bit easier to keep on the Q.T., but these things always leak out.

And really, what is the point of being coy? Your son has done two very grown-up things: he has gotten someone pregnant and he has married her. Now he has to admit this to the world. No one has anything to be ashamed about in all of this; a wedding and a pregnancy are both good news and should be treated as such. But, you don't have to do anything formal.

Tell your son that you aren't keeping these two big facts of his life secret anymore and that he can either let everyone know that he got married and is due to become a father in January or you will casually tell people when they ask how he's doing. While he is really in charge of disseminating his news, you can't be expected to keep what is going to be supremely obvious hidden from everyone forever. If he protests for some reason, tell him that it is weirder to be secretive and act ashamed instead of proud and happy, which he should be, regardless of what anyone else in any other century or social circumstance may have to say about his decisions.

Congratulations on all fronts,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:22 AM    <link>

WHERE DO I START?

Dear Elise,

I recently got engaged and I am clueless when it comes to wedding planning. Our families have met each other and we had a wonderful dinner together. But what should I do next? Do I set a date? Find a location? Find a wedding planner? Do I find a wedding planner and then ask him or her to help us find a location and set a date? What about photography? Flowers? And so on...

Already Stressed

Dear Already,

The ample umbrella of etiquette doesn't really encompass all of wedding planning, so there is really only so far I can go in advising you. If you are doing your own wedding planning, the best approach is to start with a few broad generalities and use them to start narrowing your choices. These are questions a wedding planner would also ask you in an early meeting:

- How do you see yourself and your family at your wedding?
- Generally, when would you like to get married?
- Approximately how many guests would you like to have?
- What kind of wedding (indoor / outdoor / formal / casual) do you imagine?

Your choice of venues will be governed by how many guests you plan to have, your taste, and the availability of venues will depend on when you decide to get married and how much lead time there is. This is as good a place to begin as any. You can also start looking for photographers and dresses and florists (though some venues do their own floral arrangements), but the most important elements to fix are:

Where?
When?
How many?
What style?
What sort of budget?

If you want, you can of course hire a wedding planner to help you with your choices, but those questions are probably where you're going to have to begin no matter what.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:19 PM    <link>

WELL, IT FILLS ME UP

Hi Elise,

I swear I cannot get a straight answer on this question-- If we have a "heavy appetizer" cocktail party for our wedding reception, do we have to have it during non-dinner hours? We'd really like an evening reception but would like to save money by serving heavy appetizers instead of a sit-down dinner. Is this possible? Some people are telling us it's rude not to properly feed the guests at this hour-- but I think heavy appetizers would fill them up. Help! Thanks very much,

Despair Over Dinner

Dear DOD,

Your instincts are not insane. There are many people for whom appetizers are the highlight of the evening and who would happily munch on those little tiny lamb chops, Moroccan chicken in phyllo pockets, and sushi bites all night long. Others may feel deprived if they don't have the meal progress as they are used to: appetizer to entree to dessert (with salad thrown in there, too).

If you really want to do this and are concerned that people won't know to fill up on appetizers, you could include a little comment on your invitation, where one would usually see language such as: "Reception to follow" that illuminates your plans.

You could write: "Please join us for cocktails and a light supper" or "Cocktails and tasty bites to follow" or fashion your own euphemism that lets people know what to expect. As long as you give people a sense of what to expect, they can't complain.

And then you must deliver grand platefuls of tiny taste sensations.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:40 AM    <link>

GROUP DANCE

Hi,

I have a question on what is the right thing to do for the bridal waltz.

My son is getting married. His father and I are divorced and he has remarried and I am to be married next year. My ex-husband and I will be giving our son away at the church and sitting at the bridal table. My son has suggested that when it comes time to the bridal waltz and they announce: "and now the parents," that my partner dance with me and my ex-husband and his wife dance together.

What do you think?

- Mother of the Groom

Dear Mother of the Groom,

I think that if this arrangement pleases everyone, there is absolutely no reason to mess with a good thing.

There are plenty of protocols and plans for dance order, but fundamentally, you should all do what makes you happy and comfortable. This sounds splendid.

Cheers and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:33 PM    <link>

KID LIMITS AT LUNCH

Hello,

My sisters and I are throwing a surprise 60th birthday party for our mother. We have chosen an upscale restaurant whose private room only holds 40 people comfortably (50 maximum). The party will be on a Saturday at lunchtime. Our immediate family includes 5 kids under the age of 6. Our dilemma is that two of my mom's best friends have adult children, who also have young kids. In order to not exceed the room capacity, we are thinking of inviting Mom's best friends' adult children (who she knows and loves), but NOT their kids. So, Mom's own grandkids will be there, but other small children will not be invited.

Is this rude? We thought about writing on the invitation "Due to space restrictions, please adults only". We have already but down a $500 non-refundable deposit on the restaurant so changing the location is unfortunately out of the question.

Help!

Sincerely,
Don't Wanna Be Rude

Dear Don't Wanna,

You can absolutely limit the number of children at an event without being rude. The key is to find a way of drawing a line that no one will find objectionable. So, if you can only accommodate the children of immediate family (that is to say, only your mother's grandchildren and no one else's), that is absolute fair and no one would question your decision. This is a standard option for plenty of events, especially weddings, where venues often have rigid space constraints.

The standard way to issue invitations is to address them only to the people you actually intend to invite. If you want to invite parents but not their children, only write the parents' names on the invitation. If you receive a phone call from parents asking if they could bring their kids along with them, all you have to do is explain that due to space constraints you can't accommodate any children beyond those in the immediate family.

You will have to be firm with this decision, but don't worry about being rude. This is a standard choice that people throwing parties often have to make. So forge ahead and have a wonderful time.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:57 AM    <link>

PAYING FOR DRINKS

Dear Elise,

We are trying to plan a wedding that best fits our budget and unfortunately, this will mean eliminating an open bar.

Do you think this is all right, considering that many of the people we are inviting also had cash bars at their weddings? I have no doubt our guests will understand if we don't have an open bar, but I don't want to commit a severe breach of etiquette. Someone suggested that we buy a few cases of champagne and have bottles at the tables in addition to a cash bar. What do you think?

Thank you,

Concerned About Booze

Dear CAB,

While cash bars have recently gained some tolerance, etiquette truly frowns upon the entire notion of making guests pay for their food and drink. While I understand that in some places and within certain communities, people don't think twice about it, I absolutely do not agree with them. If one has a party, one pays for one's guests.

Having said that, there is no reason at all that anyone should ever spend more than one has to throw a party, nor is there any reason to think that one must cater to every desire one's guests might have. So, if you can't afford an open bar, but you can purchase some cases of wine or champagne (or some of each), then you can limit your alcohol options that way. This is not an uncommon route to take, so if you choose to do this, don't think you are doing anything weird or provocative.

The key to keep in mind is that being gracious does not mean bankrupting yourself or offering every guest every possible desire he or she might have at any moment. It is being kind and friendly and non-taxing. A reception should not come with financial strings attached.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:39 AM    <link>

HOW TO ANNOUNCE WHEN THE WEDDING WAS A SECRET

Dear Elise:

Please help my husband and me sort out our wedding tangle! We became engaged in September 2005 and my parents offered to finance a wedding for us in August 2007. Unfortunately, by November 2005 our finances were so tight that we were compelled to marry ahead of schedule (to combine insurance, among other things).

We didn't wish to hurt any feelings, so we decided to proceed with the "public" wedding as planned and keep our quickie courthouse marriage to ourselves.

After a year's planning, my parents decided that hosting a wedding was more expensive than they were prepared to handle and pulled the proverbial plug. Subsequently, we made our families aware of our marriage. Relations, particularly with my parents, remain extremely strained.

Our friends do not know that we have been secretly married for nearly a year. We would still like to plan something to include our loved ones in our marriage, but are not sure what to do and really can't afford to host a party right now. We were thinking of sending announcements around our anniversary this year to let people know we've married and are perhaps planning a vow renewal ceremony for our anniversary in 2007. Is this appropriate? Should we indicate on the announcements that we married in 2005? 2006? Should we simply not include the year of our marriage on the announcement and let people think what they choose? Help!

Sincerely,
Courthouse Bride

Dear Courthouse Bride,

There is really no shame in being married. That is the most important thing to remember in all of this. Your parents were no doubt put out by the fact that you got married secretly- and there is surely some control issue at work, since they withdrew funding for your wedding and then you told them that you were already married, so they perhaps have the sense that you might have put tried to put something over on them. Regardless, at this point, they should grow up and be happy that you're happy and get over your few months of secrecy.

So, here you are, and your spot is a bit peculiar for what you'd like to do. Wedding announcements are best sent immediately (or as soon as possible) after the wedding. For you to issue announcements out of the blue would seem odd. Odder still would be sending announcements that contain the suggestion that you may throw a party at some point in the future, but without any real plan. That will only confuse everyone. This is not a good idea.

Your safest bet will be to take a casual approach. Let people know in conversation that you got married a while ago and then, when you are ready, throw a party celebrating your commitment, and you can certainly mention your wedding in your invitations.

If you're feeling the need to celebrate sooner than later, understand that you don't have to have a big, formal affair. You could, for instance, have cocktails and cake, a barbecue, or a big brunch bash. There are plenty of reasonable, non-traditional options that will suit you well, and be sure to invite your parents to the festivities. Proving to them that you weren't waiting on their cash is a significant gesture, and it definitively says that you aren't remotely embarrassed by your decisions. Which you shouldn't be.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:25 AM    <link>

DO I HAVE TO GO?

Hi, Elise,

My brother-in-law is getting married in Maryland in about 2 weeks. My husband, our teenage daughter and I live in California. My brother-in-law has been living with his fiancee for years. They didn't mail out the "Save the Date" cards and we knew nothing about this wedding until my husband's sister called a couple of weeks ago. We still haven't received an invitation ("major problems at the printers"), but my husband's sister heard that the invitations have been sent.

To be honest, the date of this wedding is particularly inconvenient for our family. We would have to leave on a Thursday afternoon because the wedding is at 5:30 on Friday. My daughter would miss 2 days of school, 4 tests, and the SAT test on Saturday. I will not leave her alone at home, and there is no one here with whom she could stay.

My husband decided he would go to the wedding, and I really do not want to go. He is fine with my daughter and me not going. However, his sister is making me feel guilty. She thinks we are just being cheap.

Money is one consideration, but we could afford the tickets if I really wanted to go. I just don't really want to go.

I realize that I'm risking bad feelings in the family for years to come. What do you think?

-Mad at Self for Feeling Guilty

Dear Mad at Self,

This is a complicated situation. Generally speaking, invitations are not mandates and one is not required to enter into complex justifications in order to excuse oneself from attending a wedding. But this is family and fundamentally only you and your husband can tell how your absence will be taken.

There are signs, of course, that it would be absolutely fine for you to stay home. Wedding invitations are usually mailed six to eight weeks before the event and if people are required to travel, it is common for the hosts to either send save the date cards or at least tell distant relatives and friends what the plans are. But your brother-in-law and his fiance are being extremely casual about the whole affair (it sounds as if you would have found out only days before the wedding if your family grapevine weren't working so well). This implies they won't mind so deeply if their guests can't rearrange schedules or catch last minute flights.

At bottom, you have to decide not only what you can afford, but what you are willing to take on in terms of disrupting your daughter's school schedule, tests and SAT time. If this is too much for your family, you have every right to excuse yourself and your daughter and explain gently that you really can't ask her to take off on such short notice. Then give your brother-in-law a thoughtful wedding present and be extremely interested in the wedding when you see the newlyweds over the holidays.

You and your husband must keep in mind that your brother-in-law's feelings (and those of his fiancee) are the most important ones to take into account. Your sister-in-law's thoughts are not particularly relevant to your decision. This isn't her wedding and she may be just stirring the pot. This is your husband's family, so let him determine what is most crucial here.

Don't be mad at yourself. You have legitimate reasons for being torn, and your daughter's school obligations are nothing to sneeze at.

Good luck and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:08 PM    <link>

MANDATORY MAID OF HONOR

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are trying to keep our wedding simple. His sister got married not long ago and I was her maid of honor- we've been friends for a long time. My problem is, she automatically assumes that she is going to be my maid of honor, and I don't necessarily want to make her mine.

Should I just not name a maid of honor to spare her feelings? My friend already yelled at me and said that if I didn't make her my maid of honor she'd be mad at me. Shouldn't this be about what I want? I definitely want her to be in the wedding party, but is it necessary to make her my maid of honor just because she wants me to? I just don't know how to approach this without really hurting her.

-Unsure

Dear Unsure,

Wedding party positions are all honor jobs and as such are not things that should be demanded, or acquired by way of threats and tears.

So, your fiance's sister has indeed approached you poorly and she probably just incredibly excited, exuberant and interested in repaying you for all the things you did for her. The fact that you don't feel she owes you anything is generous of you, but perhaps something she doesn't realize.

What can you do? There are no rules for your situation. You can have her as your maid of honor; you can pick someone else for that job and risk some hard feelings (unless you are particularly delicate in your approach); you can decide to have only a phalanx of bridesmaids and no maid of honor; you can opt not to have a wedding party at all. Which of these feels best to you?

Reciprocity is common, but not necessary when it comes to picking bridal parties and even if someone asks loudly, you don't have to bend to her will. Clearly I can't tell you what to do, but I can say that you have no obligation to your fiance's sister to make her your maid of honor. What you do need to do, however, is be honest and clear about your plans and if you do pick someone else for that spot, find a way to let her down gently.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:03 AM    <link>

SO MANY FRIENDS

Dear Elise,

I have 11 girls in mind to be my potential bridesmaids. My fiance is thinking about having 7 or 8 of his friends. I will have to cut down the numbers to match my fiance's list, but I am nervous about how to go about doing that. How can I cut down the list of girls to a certain number when I would love to have all of them be my attendants? How can I do this without hurting their feelings?

I was thinking of informing them that I will have to cut down on numbers, get everybody together, ask if anybody would like to step down, write down all those who would still like to participate in being one of the bridesmaids, and then draw names to give each person an equal chance. Is it a good idea? Is it fair?

Thanks for your time,

Curious

Dear Curious,

Your plan is intriguing but unnecessary. In the first place, your wedding party doesn’t have to match your fiance's. There is no rule saying that everything must be symmetrical and when you think about it, such aesthetic requirements are antithetical to the whole ethos of the wedding party. Brides and grooms are supposed to select the people closest to them, and what are the chances of those numbers always matching?

In addition, while it is "fair" for you to introduce an element of randomness, or chance, into your wedding party selection, I think your friends will find this choice a little odd. You should either include your whole set, which is absolutely fine, or take responsibility for making selections. There are two other options, as well. You could either skip having a bridal party entirely, which would also absolve you of having to pick favorite friends, or you could have a single attendant.

So, you have a perfect opportunity to be inclusive, though you will have to prepare some answers to people asking you why you have such a large group standing up with you, or you can do the edits yourself. But it is weird to ask your friends to volunteer to step down or create a lottery out of bridesmaid selection.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:07 AM    <link>

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