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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Thursday, November 30, 2006

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend is an old-fashioned guy and believes that the bride-to-be should foot the bill for the wedding costs and that the groom should cover the down payment for a house. Also, because he's accustomed to an extravagant lifestyle, he envisions having a lavish wedding and living in a luxury home with fine furnishings, etc. He says he doesn't feel comfortable footing the bill for all of this by himself and that he will not enter a marriage with me unless I contribute significantly.

I do have an aggressive saving plan, I'm afraid I won't be able to save that kind of money in the near future and that this will cause an impasse in our relationship.

It seems that every time we discuss marriage, there is tension regarding our financial future. He says he loves me very much, however, my concern is that he loves his extravagant lifestyle more than I and that he will continue to stall making future plans.

What do you think I should do? Please help!

- For Love or Money

Dear FLOM,

As with any habit, people often think of "tradition" as a default and feel uncomfortable at the idea of altering any policy, no matter how outdated or out of place. The division of nuptial expenses is a perfect example. While it is traditional for the bride and her family to pay for the bulk of the wedding, nowhere is it written that this has to be the case and it really shouldn't be unless that is the scenario that happens to work well for all parties.

I can't tell you whether or not you should marry your boyfriend or why he has these expectations, but I have a sense that his rigidity when it comes to tradition belies great fear of the future and he can keep your nuptials at bay by putting up some obstacles.

What is wrong with recalibrating your wedding to be something you could afford? If you are paying for it, shouldn't you have some influence on how and how much money you will be spending? Would you prefer to share wedding and house payments with your boyfriend in a way that is more modern?

The stumbling block for you is not traditional etiquette, but the fact that your boyfriend is hiding behind it as a means to avoid dealing with the real issue which is whether or not you will get married. Unless he has a really good reason creating so many financial roadblocks (you have to save tons of money, he has to pay for a house, these expenses can't interfere with his lavish lifestyle- in most people's lives something has to give), he is being nothing other than evasive. Merely finding these traditions appealing is not a good enough reason to cling to them when other choices are more comfortable for everyone.

Now is the time to talk to your boyfriend about his expectations and how they can possibly be revised so that they are comfortable and acceptable to you, not just rain on your nuptial parade.

Good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:27 AM    <link>

PRACTICAL ADDRESSING

Dear Elise,

What is the proper way to address an envelope when two people are married and the wife has kept her maiden name?

- Ready to Address

Dear Ready,

The standard way to address married couples with different last names is as follows:

Ms. Mary Soandso and Mr. Harry Thisandthat

(Ms. FirstName HerLastName and Mr. FirstName HisLastName)

One little bit of traditional envelope "code" that often gets forgotten is that placing both names on the same line indicates that the couple is married (or, one could elaborate, in a committed relationship). Putting the names on separate lines (with the woman's name above the man's) implies that the two are not married.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:56 AM    <link>

IT'S ANNOYING BEING THE LAST TO KNOW

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I are going to a wedding. He is a groomsman, and is the groom's best friend. As it turns out, he is also the bride's ex-boyfriend.

I did not find out about the bride's and my boyfriend's previous relationship until halfway through the rehearsal dinner. Do I have a right to be upset and feel a little foolish, considering she invited me to her lingerie shower, and I went?

Newly Clued In

Dear NCI,

Do you have a right to feel foolish? Certainly, if you think my permission means anything. Is it reasonable that you are angry? Perhaps. It is a little weird that your boyfriend didn't mention his previous relationship with the bride to you, and if that is what is bothering you, you should absolutely talk to him about his secrecy.

On the other hand, try to keep matters in perspective. The bride has included you in her shower and rehearsal dinner. Unless you felt that you were in some way an object of ridicule at these events, and it really doesn't sound as if you were, you don't have any reason to resent the bride, who perhaps assumed, as she should have, that your boyfriend should be in charge of relaying sensitive information to you.

So absolutely tell your boyfriend that his weirdness made you feel silly and uncomfortable and that you wish he would act like a grown up, but don't hold your discomfort against the bride. She has clearly moved on.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:38 AM    <link>

SUPPOSEDLY IT WAS SENT, BUT SHOULD I ASK?

Dear Elise,

My husband and I returned from our honeymoon and decided to complete our registry. Our department store offers a "thank-you note assistant," which lists each item and the name of the person who purchased it. The list indicates that my husband’s friend purchased a present off our registry months ago which we never received. If our friend thinks we received the present, it’s probably important for her to know that her order was not fulfilled. But if she did not wind up sending it, (and instead kept it for herself or returned it to the store), I don’t want her to think we mind. We were so happy to spend time with her at our wedding, and she and her husband did in fact give a very generous wedding gift.

Other etiquette guides say that it is the responsibility of the gift-giver to contact the bride and groom if they have not received a thank-you note. I can’t stand wondering whether they think we are ill mannered for never sending a note, but I don’t want to seem ungrateful for asking about the missing present. What do you suggest doing?

Signed,
Mrs. Manners

Dear MM,

Here is the thing: you'll never know what happened if you don't ask. In general when one wonders if a guest has given a present, the best policy is just to stay mum and not prod. But in this case where you have information, you can lay everything on the table.

You or your husband could write to your friend and simply tell her everything: you were thrilled that she and her husband came to your wedding and especially enjoyed meeting him. You really appreciate the present they gave you, but you wanted to make sure that this information you got from the store you used for your registry didn't leave you remiss in not thanking them for something. You can absolutely tell them that you are only asking to make sure they understand how much you appreciate them and to eliminate some confusion.

In instances like this one, be honest and simply explain your concerns.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:38 AM    <link>

REHEARSAL DINNER SLIGHT

Dear Elise,

I was invited to my brother’s daughter's wedding 1200 miles away. I flew there, stayed in a hotel and attended the wedding. At that time, I learned that all of my sister-in-law's family (which was local) had been invited to the rehearsal dinner. I met other families in the hotel who were in from out of town and attending other weddings and they mentioned going to the rehearsal dinners (and other events that were scheduled for people in town from far away).

I am now wondering: are out-of-towners usually invited to the rehearsal dinner or were the people I met exceptions?

I guess I am now taking it as a slap in the face and probably will not go to the expense of attending family weddings after this.

Slighted Sister

Dear Slighted,

It is indeed a shame that your experience at this wedding has turned you off of all future family nuptials. Rehearsal dinners are notorious for occasioning lapses in etiquette, and general weirdness.

There are actually a lot of ways to throw rehearsal dinners. Some are inclusive and invite everyone who is attending the wedding, while others are extremely exclusive and limited to the immediate families of the bride and groom and the wedding party. Another standard option is to invite immediate family, the wedding party and all of the guests who have come from out-of-town for the wedding. It is a wonderful courtesy to include travelers who would otherwise have to fend for themselves.

There is nothing wrong with any of the choices as long as the rehearsal dinner hosts hold on to one primal rule of etiquette: be fair. If the groom's aunts and uncles are invited, the bride's extended family should be, too. And if the bride's mother's siblings get to go to the rehearsal dinner, her father's sister should get to go as well.

So, it seems someone was stupid somewhere along the line. There is of course nothing you can do about this, except be comforted in the likelihood that you were very likely not the only person to be neglected. If you continue to sting from being excluded, you could still talk to your brother about why you didn't receive an invitation.

But this was, I must say, a truly foolish oversight. Do you feel you need to decide right away that your family needs to be punished, or can you just play future weddings by ear and plan your attendance on a case-by-case basis? It is, of course, entirely up to you.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:45 AM    <link>

BLACK FRIDAY BONUS QUESTION:
WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE MISSED INVITATION?

Dear Elise

I have been invited to a tea at 4:00. I have been out of town for a while. I have not replied. To attend or not to attend is the question.

- Just Got Back

Dear Just Back,

The tea is today? Really? I'm glad I'm neglecting my shopping and doing some time at the desk.

If you truly missed hearing about the event, by all means, call up your hosts and explain that you didn't get their invitation until today and ask if it would be all right to attend. Then, if you go, perhaps bring a small token present for your hosts- flowers, chocolates, or the like.

Cheers and welcome home,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:42 AM    <link>

THE QUESTIONABLE WISDOM OF A POST-WEDDING SHOWER

Dear Elise,

Is it inappropriate to elope, come home and then have a shower and reception? Or should we announce the engagement and the fact they are eloping? I want to give my daughter and her fiance a shower, and I know our families would like to give them one. I was thinking about a reception and shower combined. What are your thoughts on this?

Thank-you,

- A Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

Showers are terribly tricky because they are parties that require presents. This generally means that it is a bad idea not to invite anyone to a shower who isn't also on the wedding guest list. It is a small courtesy that speaks volumes. Showers, typically, are also held before weddings, so having one after the fact is also a bit peculiar.

In the case of an elopement and reception, you could potentially in slightly safer territory because there will be no one at all on the wedding guest list. In order for this to work, you would be best off acting as if this were a "real" shower and throwing it before the elopement, while making sure that everyone on your shower guest list is also on your post-elopement reception guest list. You may still hear some grumbling, but you will hear less than if you were to throw a shower not only after a wedding, but after a wedding to which no guests were invited.

If you want to be absolutely safe, just throw a reception and be sure to indicate on the invitations that this is a post-wedding reception. The guests who are moved to will bring wedding presents without feeling pressured, and you won't have done anything questionable or weird.

At bottom, you don't want to throw a party that will just look like a big request for presents and there is a good chance that an after the fact shower will have that appearance. It is much better to have to party with no strings attached, let people know what they'll be celebrating and see what happens.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:12 AM    <link>

ALTERNATIVE REGITSRIES AND RELATIVE CIVILITY
PRE-THANKSGIVING DOUBLE HEADER

Hi Elise,

My partner and I have a question about gift registries. We have already combined two very large households and the last thing we want is to get more stuff from our friends. Rather than registering for gifts, would it be okay to give our friends and family members the name of our travel agent if they want to make a gift towards our honeymoon?

We were wondering if we could offer this as an alternative and put a note in our invitations saying something to the effect of: "Bride's Name and Bride's Name's union combines two households. If you would like to honor their commitment with a gift please contact their travel agent at xxx-xxxx."

Thanks for your help!

Two Brides, Too Much Stuff

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a pretty non-traditional wedding.

Since we've been living away from our parents for many years, we've both accumulated most of what people ask for in wedding registries. There are a few kitchen gadgets we are drooling for, but they are out of price range for most of our guests. My solution is to register for people to give us money towards paying off our student loans, and if there's some left over, we could pay down car loans and credit cards. My fiance is skeptical about this, mostly because of etiquette, logistics, and his desire for a KitchenAid mixer.

Do you think that the information that we just aren't spending the money, but putting it towards paying off our education, will help ease the taboo of asking our guests for money? Also, do you have any advice for the logistical side of this? Specifically, should we just inform guests that we have a bank account set up for them to transfer funds into, or put a basket for checks out at the reception? I've searched around for this, but unfortunately, there aren't that many resources for the practically minded, less-consumer-driven bride.

Thanks for your help,

Student Loans Suck

Dear Two Brides and Student Loans,

Both of you are caught in the terrible trap that wedding registries have created for engaged people. Wedding presents are not necessarily supposed to be useful. Registries have streamlined things somewhat, and they have given wedding couples a reasonable way to express some wishes and their guests can choose to find presents on the registry or go their own ways.

So, in all of this, keep in mind that you don't really have that much control of wedding gifts. As a general matter, it is a bad idea to put any kind of request, be it registry information or a bank account number or anything in a wedding invitation. It just feels too mercenary, as if the invitation is contingent on guests producing presents in exchange for attending. Of course you don't mean this, but it is the way people will take it. Registries only work politely if you spread information about them casually. When people ask you, tell them where you've registered or what you want (and you can let your families and close friends know what you are doing as well, so that if they get asked they will have answers).

Student Loans, you have a couple of options. Since there are some larger ticket items you want, do a little bit of research and see if you can find a place to register where guests can pay for a portion of an item. That way you can register for the more expensive things you want without having the sense that people will think you want them to cough up a whole stand-mixer. As far as asking for money goes, this you can only do through word of mouth. Sending out an all points-bulletin that you need your loans paid off, along with your bank account number will just make people feel uncomfortable (in addition to being dangerous for you to spread such personal financial information around). You can absolutely let people know when they ask that you would like cash to get out of debt, but beyond that, you shouldn't make these requests in writing, especially not in an invitation.

Two Brides, your situation is a little different because you do want to register, just in a way that is somewhat unorthodox. There are some honeymoon registry services, and of course you should research all of these companies carefully before signing on with them. If you decide to have your travel agent create a kind of registry for you, plan it out with him or her so that when your guests call, the transactions aren't complicated. Again, it would be unwise to put all of this in your invitation, so wait until people inquire and then tell them your alternative registry plan and give them all the information.

Really, the bottom line for both of you is to find a way to create a functional registry (though your travel agent or using web sites where items can be purchased in increments, or skipping the registry entirely) and let people know about your choices gently, without putting them in your invitations.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:44 AM    <link>

SIBLINGS AND THE WEDDING PARTY

Hi Elise,

I am a soon-to-be bride in the process of planning my wedding, and choosing the wedding party. I have 3 brothers, and my fiance has 1 brother and 1 sister.
He has decided already that his sister and brother will part of the wedding party, but has also chosen 4 other male friends to be his groomsmen. I mentioned that I would like it if my brothers could stand in our wedding, but he said he is closer with his friends than my brothers. Is it wrong of me to insist that my family be involved? He seems to think that choosing the bridesmaids is my job and groomsmen is his. Help!! My family is already getting on my case!

Torn Between 2 Families



Dear Torn,

I am a bit confused by the details of your letter. Are you saying that your fiance has already chosen to have a wedding party of six people: his brother, his sister and four other friends? If that is the case, then it would make sense to follow his lead and have a co-ed bridal party.

People do this all the time, and it would be a happy tribute to your brothers to have them stand up with you at the altar. You would of course be able to include some of your friends (female or male) in the lineup as well, and keep in mind that it is not necessary for the bride's and groom's wedding parties to be symmetrical.

On the other hand, if you are saying that your fiance is insisting that you include his sister in the bridal party and that he won't have your brothers in the groom's party, you should have a conversation with him. Unless you are inclined to just keep your siblings on your side of the aisle, remind your fiance, again, that the sides don't have to match numerically, and that if you're making the gesture of including his sister on your side, he should reciprocate on his. The presence of your brothers in the groom's party would not mean having to jettison any of your fiance's friends, so he should just adopt a "more the merrier" approach and be happy this is a very easy gesture that pleases a lot of people for a long time- small effort, high reward.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:35 AM    <link>

HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO KEEP THIS UP?

Dear Elise,

I have two nieces in their 30s who live far away from me, but I always acknowledge their birthdays with a card and a check because I feel obligated to do so.

At what point can I simply send a card without a check? One niece NEVER acknowledges any cards, gifts that I send. The other sends a thank you note.

Both are married, have children of their own, and live comfortably.

What is your advice?

Thank you.

Tired Aunt

Dear Tired,

You can stop sending the present whenever you realize that you don't want to send it anymore. Cards are completely legitimate acknowledgements of your nieces' birthdays.

Presents really work best when both givers and receivers get something out of the exchange, so if you aren't feeling any particular reward from your gesture and want to discontinue the tradition, feel free to stick with the card.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:41 AM    <link>

YOU JUST HAVE TO DO IT

Dear Elise,

I have reset my wedding date many times, but finally, after many strained weeks, my fiance and I have agreed on a date, which happened to be the same weekend as my nephew's high school graduation. This makes things extremely convenient for my family because they won't have to make two trips in the year for both events. It also worked out well for my fiance's mother because she had agreed to fund a portion of the wedding, and her own wedding was set for 3 months before ours.

I recently found out that my fiance's mother has changed her wedding date to a week after ours and now doesn't really want to want to pay anything. Since I changed the date so much, my future-mother-in-law didn't know what the "official" date was when she pushed back her own date. Do I change my date yet again? Do I stick with that date? My wedding is 6 months away, and I haven't done anything at all, practically. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it all.

Please help,

Date-Switcher

Dear Date-Switcher.

You don't really have an etiquette question on your hands so much as you have a cluttered schedule. If you keep your current wedding date, will your fiance's mother be able to attend your nuptials? That is perhaps the only real question you need to answer. It would be unwise for you to shift your dates around under the expectation that she may come around and offer you financial support again, and it remains a convenient one for your family, anyway.

You certainly don't have to shift your wedding date again, so the only reason to do this would be if you were afraid that too many important people couldn't attend. Feel key people out and go for it. Someone is always going to have some kind of conflict with any date you pick, so eventually you'll just have to stick with one day and let the chips fall where they may.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:20 AM    <link>

MOTHER & SHOWER

Hi Elise,

My mother is not able to help much with my wedding (she is ill and doesn't get out of the house much). I would love for her to be a part of my wedding planning- picking a dress, the shower, etc., but don't know if this is going to happen. How can I assure that I will still have my dream wedding without her help?

I have 5 dear bridesmaids who are somewhat aware of my mother's condition. I don't want to become a bridezilla and push responsibilities on them that are normally to be taken care of by the bride's mother (hosting a shower, for example). And most of my bridesmaids, like me, are pretty broke so I don't want to overwhelm them.

My mother is adamant that she will attend the wedding, but this will take a mammoth effort - I can only concentrate on so many things at one time. What should I do?

Thanks,

Puzzled Bride

Dear PB,

Some of your questions have extremely easy answers, and others may require some work on your part.

If your central quibble is with shower hosting, keep in mind that it is actually traditional for showers to be thrown by the bridal party or, more generally, friends of the bride. This is because it is considered a little mercenary for the bride's immediate family to throw a party that requires presents. So in that one instance, you don't even have to think twice about your bridesmaids hosting a shower. They may actually be expecting to do this. As far as expenses go, there are many ways to throw a good party on a budget, so talk to your bridesmaids and collaborate on ways to economize.

As far as how you can have your dream wedding without your mother's participation, I'm not sure what you are asking. You can always include her in things like dress selection by showing her an array of pictures and asking for her opinion, and of course she will probably be pleased to be included when you talk about your ideas and choices and seek out her opinions.

All you really need to keep in mind is that you don't have to do anything that is beyond your means. Any tradition can always be restructured to accommodate your budget, so be open to different ideas, include your mother where you can, and let your bridesmaids take care of the shower.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:35 AM    <link>

NEWLYWED QUESTIONS

Dear Elise,

I have two questions:

1. How long after the wedding is it proper for the bride to wait before mailing out thank you cards for gifts?

2. Is there any protocol as to wedding photos? Do all family members have to buy the wedding photos, or do the bride and groom give close family members (mother/ father/grandmothers/in-laws) a photo of the bride and groom - no charge?

Thank you,

Just Married

Dear Just Married,

The answer to your first question is easy: one should write and mail thank you cards as soon as one can after one receives a present. The biggest pitfall in the whole thank you note scenario is hanging onto the project. If you procrastinate excessively, or putting off writing them until after the wedding (even if the presents arrived weeks ahead of time), or think you should wait until all of them have come in and been happily unwrapped, your job will be unbearable. Get them off your hands quickly, as soon as you can. This will ensure your responses are timely and spare you the pain of having to write dozens of the things at once. Gradual note writing makes the job much more manageable.

As for wedding photographs, there really is no special protocol. You can give your relatives pictures or provide them with the means to order them for themselves as you see fit. Ideally, of course, you'd find a way to handling either decision smoothly and fairly. If you give one set of parents some photographs, it would be wise to give them to the other parents as well.

So, get those notes out of the house, be fair about photographs and enjoy yourself.


Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:56 AM    <link>

THANK YOUS ALL AROUND

Dear Elise,

Why is it that at birthday parties, thanking a gift-giver in person is sufficient and no card is required, whereas at a bridal shower, thanking a gift-giver in person is not enough and a thank-you card should be sent as well? Or do I have the birthday-party rule wrong?

I would be very grateful for any light you could shed on this comparison.

Best regards, 


Card Wonderer

Dear CW,

In fact, one should write thank you notes for most presents, including birthday party offerings. There really is no distinction as a matter of general principle. . . though of course there can be exceptions that mostly have to do with extremely specific, highly individualized situations.
There are some circles of friends and family that consider thank you notes for birthday presents a useless formality and will scold you if you for sending them or make fun of you, or both. This, in and of itself, isn't particularly polite, but in such circumstances, you can use your judgment and thank the gift-giver after the fact in an email or telephone conversation. In the case of wedding or shower presents, the social net is often rather wide and one doesn't have the luxury of knowing that you'll be mocked for simple civility. Thanking everyone with quick little missives is safe and polite and really the nicest thing to do.

At bottom, though, there is no reason not to send a note when one receives a present, regardless of the occasion. The world only thinks it is getting informal. It really isn't.


Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:43 AM    <link>

SADNESS FROM FAMILY EXCLUSIONS

Dear Elise,

My son is getting married in a few months, and he told me he will not be inviting my mother to his wedding. I am totally devastated. He says it is to do with costs and the fact that he could only have 50 people there, so my beautiful 76 year-old mother was cut from the list.

My mother lives 5 hours away from us, so while my son was growing up he only saw her once a year but the sad thing is that she has always been there for us. How do I tell my mother that she is not invited? My son knows how much this has hurt me but he just doesn't seem to care.

I don't know what to do. I have never felt so hurt in my entire life.

Sad Mother

Dear Sad Mother,

First of all, it really is a drag that you have to face this and that your son can't see his oversight. Having said that, there is very little you can do to change his mind.

Have you told him how much this upsets you and how important it would be to you to have his grandmother at the wedding? Clearly, he doesn't feel as if he has a powerful connection to your mother, so discussing her feelings probably won't get you too far. You could ask gently if it is just a question of money, and if it really comes down to his needing to keep a lid on expenses, you could offer to reimburse him for your mother's attendance. This may not be the issue, of course. For many people, 50 guests is a tiny wedding, and there really may be extreme space issues.

Fundamentally, unless you are hosting and paying for all or part of the wedding, you don't have much control of the guest list, except through influence. You can of course make requests and plead your case, but beyond that, your son's decisions are his own and he will have to live with them.

If he steadfastly refuses to invite his grandmother to the wedding, I would suggest making a deal with him, which is that he and his wife (once they are married) must have a nice dinner with you and your mother so that she can catch up with them and you in a sweet and respectful way. You can't force any issues about the wedding, but you can absolutely make firm requests of your son about how he should respect his family.

Please try not to take this personally. Since there is little you can do about the wedding, you're best off trying to discover a comfortable compromise for your mother.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:04 AM    <link>

BAD MAID OF HONOR: TRY TALKING BEFORE FIRING

Dear Elise,

Okay so I've asked a friend to be my maid of honor. In addition, my sister will be my matron of honor and another friend will be a bridesmaid. Well, my maid of honor has not been very interested in what is going on in my life lately and I feel that I made a bad decision.

I am not getting married until June and I have not taken the girls to look at dresses yet because I wanted to wait until after New Year's. I have been telling myself that my friend has until January to come around, however I just had a conversation with her and she made me cry.

I don't feel comfortable with her being my maid of honor anymore. We had only been friends for about six months but I felt we were very close and she was the closest female friend of mine aside from my sister. I don't know what to do. My fiance says I should just to her but that is a lot harder than it sounds. I know our friendship will be over and I don't know if I even care. Should I just brush her off and ignore her considering she never calls me anyway?
Thanks for your time.

~A Saddened Bride-to-Be

Dear Saddened,

Why would it be harder to fire your maid of honor and perhaps, terminate your friendship with her than it would be to talk to her about what the Hell might be bothering her so much that she makes bystanders cry? She may be in a hideous state of mind and be relieved and comforted that you took an interest in her. She may be kind of unpleasant generally and looking for a way to drop out of your wedding party. I couldn't possibly say, but it is certainly preferable to pursue a slightly more gentle line of questioning than it is to call her up with guns blazing, saying she's out of the wedding.

This is not to say your feelings are unreasonable. Weddings would be very different sorts of events if it were routine for the wedding party to psychologically torment the bride and groom. So you should absolutely stand up for yourself. If, after you've given your friend a chance to explain herself or step down on her own, you're still feeling uncomfortable and unhappy, you can absolutely tell her that you'd rather she not be in the wedding party anymore.

You feel you made a hasty decision casting this woman as your maid of honor, but you don't have to counter it with a second one. In the interests of being fair and mature, give this woman a chance to salvage your friendship. If she blows it or if you still feel awful and really don't care to know her anymore, then you can talk to her about stepping down.

It is hard to be temperate when you are hurt and angry, but you'll feel less conflicted if you feel you've pursued every reasonable avenue with this woman.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:27 AM    <link>

WHO MAKES THE FIRST MOVE?

Dear Elise,

Our daughter has recently become engaged. Should we contact the future grooms parent's to let them know how happy we are?

Thrilled

Dear Thrilled,

Well, how eager are you to cling to tradition? In the most formal, "old-fashioned" protocols, the onus is the groom's parents to get in touch with the bride's parents and make introductions, but this is not a rule that can't be ignored.

If you are moved to call, you should by all means pick up the phone, or write a note and let your daughter's future in-laws know that you are excited and happy and looking forward to all the coming festivities.

The key here is to be welcoming and happy about future events. It is a waste of energy getting agitated about who should call whom, so if you want to say hello, be the one to break the ice.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:50 AM    <link>

WHO GETS THAT RING?

Dear Elise,

I was engaged for three months. The engagement has been called off 3 times in the past month due to several heated arguments. The 1st time I called it off, and I was not asked to return the ring because we reconciled. The next 2 times, my then-boyfriend called off the wedding and the last time he asked for the ring back.

By law, am I required to return the ring since he called off the engagement and stated the canceled engagement was permanent? I just wanted to know my rights in this if it has to be determined in civil court.

Signed,

Miss Need-to-Know

Dear Miss Need-to-Know,

Sadly for the relative civility of the world, the principles of etiquette do not govern those of our legal system. I could bliss out for hours over the peaceful possibilities of polite trials and lawsuits foregone because it is easier to forgive minor sins than to extract excessive revenge. But this is not the way of things and as a result I can't advice you on the legal ramifications of refusing to return your engagement ring. I do not even know where you reside, and the rules for these sorts of questions vary widely according to your legal jurisdiction.

Etiquette-wise, the policies are pretty clear on the question of rings (or other presents) and broken engagements. If the give-er breaks it off, he or she should not expect the item to be returned, but if the receiver breaks it off, it is a classy and civilized gesture to return it. One exception to these policies is easily identified: if the engagement ring in question is a family heirloom, it really should be returned to its family of origin. That is the only fair thing to do.

So, indeed, etiquette would say that you're entitled to keep the ring. But ask yourself if you're better off protracting angry contact with your ex-fiance over ownership of this ring and possibly having to drag this out into a legal battle. Or are you happier returning the ring to this fellow who will surely not wear it, and so will either have a sad reminder of your relationship hanging around the house or take a financial loss on selling it.

See how you feel when the heat of your ire burns off a bit. There is always time for another ring, one without unpleasant associations.

Cheers and congratulations on not having married this one,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:18 AM    <link>

NO OFFICIANT?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are having an officiant dilemma. Neither of us is close to anyone that fits the bill (with or without legal credentials), and we don't want a Rent-an-Officiant. We are considering having a legal wedding first and then having no officiant at the actual ceremony, but I just have no idea where to begin planning a wedding without an officiant.

Do you have any advice or resources? At this point I wouldn't mind just having a legal wedding, but my parents would be heartbroken.

Help!

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

I am not exactly sure what you are asking here, but I can say that it is not uncommon for couples to have a legal ceremony performed at City Hall or privately in a house of worship and then have a second, non-legal ceremony performed by a friend or relative at the more public reception.

People choose to do this for many reasons. It could be that the person they want most to unite them is not capable of performing a legal ceremony or that their plans are complicated or being handled from such a distance that it is just easier to get the legal details taken care of quickly and discreetly. (People getting married abroad, for instance, often discover that it is much easier just to get the legalities over with at home.)

But you say your parents would be heartbroken if you took this route. Is this because they want you to have a religious ceremony of some sort? If you have no ties to any religion and aren't interested in even a brief affiliation with any of them, then you will simply have to tell your parents that you aren't believers and you want to be married by a Justice of the Peace. On the other hand, if you don't mind accommodating them, perhaps you could find an officiant who participates in their religion. You could tailor your ceremony to your level of belief: it isn't one long Catholic mass or nothing.

If you don't want to have any ceremony at your reception at all, you certainly don't have to have one. Your choices are pretty clear:

-Have an officiant (religious or secular) perform a legal marriage ceremony.

-Have a friend or relative perform a wedding ceremony that is symbolic and have a City Hall wedding for legal purposes.

-Have a City Hall wedding and make your own announcement at your reception.

-Have a City Hall wedding and just have the reception with no ceremony at all.

It is really up to you.

Congratulations,
Elise
-

posted by Elise at 4:36 AM    <link>

TRYING TO HELP THE TRAVELERS

Dear Elise,

I went out of state for college and met my fiance there but we are having our wedding in my hometown. Most of our closest friends from college live far away and we really want to do everything in our power to ease the financial burden of traveling.

How do I let people know that we are working with hotels for group rates and shuttles for transportation without seeming like we're saying that we know they're poor or having to contact each person individually whom this would affect?

Would a note with the save the date card or an insert in the invitation be tacky? Those are the only things I've been able to think of yet.

Thanks,

Want My Friends There

Dear Want,

Your impulses are commendable, and there are really very few travelers on your guest list who will not appreciate the research you've done regardless of their financial situation. That fact alone should enable you to relax your concerns about making your guests uncomfortable. If your worries persist, or if you think some of your guests would like someplace more luxurious to stay, you can always add a couple of fancier establishments to your list.

Now, if you are still just "working with hotels," then you don't really have any information you want to put in writing. This is the kind of thing you can let your friends know casually, in an email or phone call. Don't write anything down until you've made actual arrangements with establishments. Anything else will just be confusing.

Once you have real information: a hotel where you have a deal for discounted rooms, shuttle bus price and details, etc., you can create an insert that you can include in your invitations. This little document can include information about one or several hotels, the shuttle you're arranging, local attractions your guests might find interesting, restaurants they could visit when they're not in your company, that sort of thing.

Don't worry that information can be insulting. In this case you are actively being helpful, showing people from out of town places to stay for reasonable prices. The only mistake you could make is suggesting you have actual facts when your arrangements are still in the realm of possibility.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:52 AM    <link>

SIMULTANEOUSLY SIKH AND SECULAR?

Hi Elise,

I come from a very traditional and religious Sikh family. My fiance is Italian/Scottish. We have started planning our wedding. Unfortunately my parents don't accept him and don't really want to meet him, although I have managed introduced them a couple of times.

I would really like to have an Sikh wedding ceremony as well as a civil wedding ceremony but my fiance wants nothing to do with any religion and only wants a civil wedding ceremony. I love him and do respect his opinion but I feel as if I'd feel incomplete without having a Sikh wedding ceremony. I also know that once my parents start accepting the idea of me marrying him over the next couple of months, they will be devastated if I tell them he doesn't want one.

I'm not sure what to do. I know what I want and what my parents want is the complete opposite of what he wants but I don't want to throw away our relationship over something like this either. Is there any way in which to make both sides compromise and happy?

Thank you,

Torn and Confused

Dear Torn and Confused,

Generally the question of compromise is not the first thing to come up when planning one's wedding, but it seems you and your fiance are going to have to face the music early.

The obvious solution to your ceremony question is one you've already contemplated: have two entirely separate ceremonies, one Sikh and traditional, and one civil and secular. It wouldn't matter in which order these ceremonies were performed and only one of them would even have to be legal.

What is your fiance's objection to this plan? Does he think you would be foisting your beliefs on him? If that is what he's afraid of, you'll have to reassure him that your plan in all of this is to honor your personal past, your family and your history while creating a situation whereby your parents might be more accepting of him. This situation is complicated for you in ways that he might not realize, so you'll have to be very clear about your desires and how you need him to come to you on this point.

In point of fact, you would both be compromising if you have two ceremonies, so it isn't as if he has to feel as if you're forcing him into anything without bending yourself. In this case, if he wants a chance of a happier future, well beyond the wedding day, one in which your parents look upon him with some fondness, he should make an effort at participating in a second ceremony that you and your parents will appreciate deeply. This isn't about winning or losing anything. This isn't about conversion or asking him to be anything he isn't. All you are asking is for him to give in a little on something that will reassure your parents that you have not rejected them and your background.

So, now you have the challenge of having to be strong in the face of your fiance's refusals, but if you present your cause honestly and assuage what fears he has, and stay firm about what you need, a reasonable man would come around for your sake. As long as you are not asking him to convert or participate in a religion that is not his, you are not demanding a great sacrifice, just some tolerance and interest in making you happy and solving a problem.

Congratulations and good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:35 AM    <link>

SHOWER GUEST LIST VS. WEDDING GUEST LIST

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I were originally planning a large wedding at home until we ran into some family issues. We are now getting married in Vegas with probably 20-30 guests. I am still having 5 bridesmaids who would like to throw me a bridal shower. Is it okay to invite people to a bridal shower who obviously won't be able to make it to the wedding or should we just register and let it be a word of mouth sort of thing for any family or anybody who wants to buy us gifts?

Small Wedding

Dear Small Wedding,

Bridal showers present a handful of delicate problems, and you are on the verge of thundering into difficulty, so before your planning goes too far, put on the breaks.

It is never a good idea to invite people to a wedding shower who won't be invited to the wedding. Since showers demand presents, such a gesture can only be interpreted one way: your guests are good enough to fork over gifts but not worthy of participating in the wedding festivities. Surely this is not how you feel or how you would want your guests to think you feel.

Of course, if you invite people to BOTH your wedding and your shower and some are not able to make the trip to Las Vegas, you certainly don't have to worry about etiquette breeches. The only problem is when you issue invitations only to the shower and exclude guests from the wedding.

So, feel free to register and let your friends and family spread the word about your choices, but either limit your shower guest list to the names of people who will also receive wedding invitations or throw a party that is not a shower.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:16 AM    <link>

MARITAL STATE & HOTEL ROOM

Dear Elise,

My cousin is getting married, and she reserved a block of rooms in a hotel for guests. My (male) partner and I reserved a room for ourselves, thinking nothing of it. Then my mother called and stated that this was "a family event" and there was no way my partner and I would be sharing a hotel room. She suggested this arrangement would be insulting to the bride's family. (They are Catholic.) For the record, my partner and I are in our early 30's and have been together for years. I know my cousin and her fiance don't care. Would it really be a faux pas to stay in a hotel room together just because the bride's parents MIGHT be miffed?

One Room

Dear One Room,

You aren't staying in your relatives' private bed and breakfast where they will potter into your room at some ungodly hour with waffles and muffins and be shocked to see you and your boyfriend together, are you? You aren't expecting your cousin's parents to pick up your hotel tab, are you?

If these things are not the case, then you can reasonably expect to be treated the way other guests are treated: with a degree of privacy. If your relatives have nothing better to think about on the eve of their daughter's wedding than whether an unmarried couple is sleeping in the same room, they deserve to be shocked or disappointed. Why would they care what you do anyway? In a nutshell: it is not their business whether you and your partner sleep in the same or different rooms during this wedding weekend. They didn't stipulate any rules or preferences.

Does your mother have some sort of issue with unmarried couples sharing hotel rooms during wedding weekends? Is she trying to fob off her discomfort on her relatives? It doesn't really matter in practice, since you are well within your rights to stick to your one room where you will save some money and probably have a better time. From now on, just don't mention your arrangement to your mother. If she asks, tell her that you are taking responsibility for your accommodations and she doesn't have to worry about it. Unless you feel the potential for a rift is so great that shelling out for another room is a wise tactical move, you don't haveto do anything.

Your relatives should not be concerned about your sleeping arrangements and if they ask or tell your mother to ask, try the reply: "Why are you so interested?"

This should not be a battle, so your best bet is not to rise to any provocation.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:08 AM    <link>

INVITAIONS, HOSTING & LANGUAGE

Dear Elise

My husband and I are paying for the majority of our daughter's wedding, because we wanted to be the ones to plan the event. The groom's parents offered to pay for the music, photographer and videographer. Would it still be proper to have our names as the hosts on the wedding invitations and put theirs under their son's as "son of Mr. and Mrs."?

Composing Questions

Dear CQ,

The language you choose for invitations depends on a number of factors: how traditional you want to be, who is hosting the wedding and whether you are in danger of hurting anyone's feelings by mentioning or not mentioning them. You want the information to be welcoming and clear, and you don't want to slight anyone.

What an invitation is not, is some sort of credit listing where everyone who gives money or lifts fingers in the service of the event gets listed. Do you see the distinction?

Would it hurt your daughter's fiance's parents if you didn't list them on the invitation, or listed them only as the groom's parents and not in the hosting position? Investigate this question. It is possible that they don't care at all, but what you really don't want to do is create a situation in which the invitation language will come as a total surprise to them. In order to be clear, you may want to actually come up with a couple of different versions of the invitation language and let them see what you're thinking about.

It is acceptable, of course, to only list the bride's parents as hosts, or to list both sets of parents on an invitation, just as it is reasonable for the wedding couple to issue the invitations themselves, so what makes everyone happiest?

When you look at an invitation, do you really examine it to try to guess which members of which family spent the most on the wedding? Of course you don't. You look at the invitation to know who is getting married, when it is happening and where you should be. So keep this in perspective. No matter what, you can be listed first on the invitation, but if it is very important for your daughter's fiance's parents that their names appear above his name in some way, consider being flexible.

There are no absolutes here. Even the most traditional etiquette suggests language for various invitation situations. The point in all of this is to generate a welcoming invitation that doesn't trigger inter-family resentment.

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:24 AM    <link>

TRAVEL CONTRIBUTIONS

Hello Elise,

I was invited to my cousin's son's wedding out of state. I will have to pay for my airfare and hotel stay for four days. I'll be flying out with my cousin and aunt, and my cousin has decided to rent a car so that we will be able to get around town on our free day. Am I supposed to pay towards that too? Also, what is the proper amount of money that I should put in a card for the bride and groom? Would appreciate your advice.

Thank You

Traveling

Dear Traveling,

At bottom, if you are planning to spend time in the car your cousin is renting, particularly on your free day, but also when you all are bopping around town from wedding event to event, you should absolutely offer to pay for a portion of the car rental and kick in for the gas. Think of the additional expense this way: this is money you would otherwise be spending on multiple taxi rides. If you are going to take advantage of your cousin's decision, you should help offset her expenses. It is only fair.

I never make specific recommendations for the amount of money one should spend on wedding presents. This is really something only you can figure out. Only you know how much you can afford to spend and how much money you are already spending on travel and accommodations. You can't really go wrong if you give what feels comfortable to you and let the couple know you are happy for them.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:35 AM    <link>

BROTHER DICTATES GUEST LIST?

Dear Elise,

My brother and sister-in-law live in a part of the country where everything is done on a VERY LARGE scale.

My fiance and I are trying to keep our wedding somewhat small. My brother keeps saying that it is very important to invite his WIFE'S parents because that's the way it is within their social circles. He also said out of respect to his wife they should be invited.

My fiance and I are NOT close with them and neither are my parents- we have never said more than a simple "hello" to them and we would rather not invite them.

We have also decided that we will not be having children at our wedding. My brother and sister-in-law have a 4 year-old son. They have already made comments about how cute he'll look in a tux walking down the aisle! My sister-in-law's parents would be the people who would be babysitting for my nephew over the wedding weekend and if they came to our wedding, my brother would have no childcare.

Please Help!!!!

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Your problem is not entirely etiquette based. At bottom, have to stand up to your brother a little. He already had a wedding and got to determine his guest list. Now it is your turn, and it really doesn't matter what happens in his social circles, since yours are certainly different.

You really don't have to invite your sister-in-law's parents to your wedding if you don't want to have them there, or are having a small wedding, or for whatever reason. As long as you and your fiance aren't planning on inviting the parents of other in-laws, you can't even be accused of showing any favoritism. Tell your brother in a reasonable amount of time that you won't be able to accommodate his extended family.

As for the whole question of your nephew, you should also tell your brother sooner than later that you are not going to have children at your wedding. Clearly, this should be a separate issue in his mind than the exclusion of his in-laws, so be careful in your approach. Let him know that you love your nephew, but that you have decided not to have children at the wedding. If he protests, you'll have to be brave and stick to your guns. Do not mention anything about his in-laws and babysitting. It is your brother's business who he decides to have watch his child.

What you really must do is stick to your guns and not let your brother bully you. He doesn't have access to any special protocols that you don't know about so understand that you aren't making weird or rude decisions.

Stay strong.

Congratulations,

posted by Elise at 8:01 AM    <link>

CAN'T DO IT ALL

Dear Elise -

I have had my last 2 summers (and much of the rest of the year) booked up by weddings, showers, bachelorette, and engagement parties. I was a bridesmaid in 3 weddings and traveled to 2 countries and 5 states to attend all of the events. I have not seen much of my family and friends for these past two summers since all of my weekends were booked up at faraway places. All of my friends and family know, since I've been quite vocal about it, how much of a toll this has taken on my time and money.

Next year, I already have 6 weddings to attend, and my longtime boyfriend and I just got engaged. One of the brides, who is not such a close friend, just asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding during the same phone call in which she congratulated me on my engagement. I am honored and flattered, but also overwhelmed by the prospect of 6 weddings and planning my own, let alone being a bridesmaid for a (not very close) friend. Is it rude of me to decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid?

Sincerely,


Wants Harmony

Dear WH,

Even if you didn't have five other weddings to attend on top of planning your own you wouldn't have to worry about being rude for declining the honor of being a bridesmaid. In fact, being up front about your limits demonstrates your respect for the friend who is getting married.

The title of bridesmaid is hardly one you can't refuse. It feels uncomfortable, of course, because the bride is a friend and offering you a position of honor in her wedding. Really, though, "bridesmaid" is a job and everyone will be happiest if you treat the position professionally. If you can't handle the workload, and the (financial or temporal) obligations, then you are absolutely right to bow out.

Tell your friend that you are flattered and touched that she thought of you and in any other year you would jump at the chance to be in her wedding, but between planning your wedding and respecting your other obligations, you can't take on so much responsibility. After that, be supportive and interested, but don't feel guilty.

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:12 AM    <link>

SHOULD I INCLUDE HER?

Dear Elise,

My fiance has an older brother, who is already married, and a younger sister. His sister was in his brother's wedding, but I'm not sure if she should be included in our wedding party or not. My fiance's sister-in-law is very good friends with his sister, while I do not yet know her very well. His sister was one of four bridesmaids in his brother's wedding; she would be the sixth in ours. I definitely don't want to make her feel left out, but I don't know if it's necessary to include her. What do you think?

Thanks,

Worried About Offending

Dear Worried,

Fortunately for everyone, there are no strict policies of etiquette when it comes to wedding party selection, so from my distant location, where I know neither your intricate family dynamics nor the configuration of the rest of your and your fiance's wedding parties, it doesn't seem as if you would be doing anything rude by omitting her.

But there are some questions, of course. There is some tradition for including one's siblings and siblings-in-law in one's wedding party, so if you or your fiance were to include her, it would only seem gracious.

What does your fiance think? If he puts his brother's wedding out of his mind, is it important to him that his sister be included in the wedding party? If you really don't want her standing up with you, would he be happy to include her on his side? Is his brother standing up with him?

Would including your future sister-in-law in your wedding party be problematic for you or do you think it would please your fiance's family so much that it is a gesture you would be happy to make? There is a final possibility that your future in-laws don't feel too strongly about either choice. This is where talking to your fiance will clear things up.

There are no correct answers to these questions. They are really just things you should consider as you think about your wedding party. Remember, the two sides don't have to match, 5 or 6 is not too large a group at all, and each side can have members of both genders.

Take counsel with yourself and your fiance and see what you come up with.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:45 AM    <link>

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