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Sunday, December 31, 2006

MRS. SO-AND-SO IS HIS MOTHER'S NAME, NOT MINE

Dear Elise,

I am recently married, and have not changed my name, nor will I be doing so. We have received holiday cards from family friends and relatives addressed to me as Myfirst Hislast and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. Only a couple of people identified me by my correct last name.

I feel comfortable gently, politely correcting my relatives and friends. The problem is my husband's family. I asked my husband the best way to correct them, and he told me not to bother, that we're not close to them, so why should I care if they are so rude as to not ascertain what my actual name is?

He doesn't seem to understand that this makes me furious! We addressed all of our thank you notes with our correct names. In this day and age, why haven't they bothered to ask how I prefer to be addressed? Am I overreacting? To me, this is not just a small, impolite oversight, but rather a small political injustice. I know their are bigger problems in the world, but I take my name - well - personally.

What should I do?

Miffed and not Mrs.

Dear Miffed,

You're not crazy. It is annoying to be called by the wrong name. I cringe a little every time I receive an email for this column addressed to "Dear Elsie". . .

But at the same time, you do have to accept the fact that some people dig in their heels on certain issues, while others (particularly your husband's relatives) are preoccupied or weird and can't remember which name you're using. It is impossible to control them.

So, if you feel comfortable correcting your friends and relatives when they get your name wrong, why can't you tell your husband's family the same thing? It certainly isn't rude of you to correct them. Call them and tell them or write them a note. Be specific. Don't just hope they're notice that you kept your name from your signature. You'll have to be very clear and direct that you are not Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName but Ms. YourFirstName YourLastName.

Your husband does have a point, however. If you and he are really not close to his family and are rather dismissive of them anyway, then after trying to set them straight for a while, you may just decide to give up and think of this crowd as being kind of dense and beyond help. That's all right. In their case, you've done your best and if they decide not to pay attention, you are free to hold them in quiet, polite contempt. There is really nothing more you can do.

Good luck getting your point across and if they refuse to get it, just be glad you don't have to deal with these folks more often.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:13 AM    <link>

EASTERTIME WEDDING OK?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a wedding on Easter weekend. The planning has been going fine, until suddenly my fiance's parents brought up their spiritual conflicts with our date (which they have known about for some time).

They say that they wish we had asked them their opinion when selecting a date because for them Good Friday is a day of fasting and solemnity. We respect that. However, we own two businesses, and our lives, and especially weekends, are incredibly busy.

They wanted us to hurry up and pick a date in April... all of which was fine. We want to get married sooner than later. We are not getting married in a church and my fiance and I are not religious people.

My fiance's parents stated that they will be fasting and do not feel that a celebration on Good Friday is appropriate. We can move our date, but then we will have to wait for months and we really don't want to wait that long. Please advise.

Thank you.

Spring Wedding

Dear Spring Wedding,

This is an interesting set of circumstances, since you have been following your future in-laws' requests to get married in April, and you let them know about the Easter overlap. For them to suddenly realize that they are going to be observing on Good Friday is a bit peculiar.

Still, you don't have to change the date unless you really feel obliged to do so. There is no point of etiquette that says you must accommodate your or your fiance's parents in this way unless you want to. How does your fiance feel? Is he comfortable getting married on Easter weekend? Have his parents contributed to your wedding in any way that makes you feel that you really should take this conflict into account because of their financial or other support?

Now, there are a couple of logistical questions that may help solidify your choice. Is your actual wedding on Good Friday or are you planning a rehearsal dinner for that night and getting married on the Saturday? If the latter is the case, could your fiance let his parents know that he understands their religious obligations and tell them that they can skip the rehearsal? There are possibly other ways to negotiate this without your having to reschedule everything.

Don't let yourselves be bullied, though. Weddings require compromise more often than not, and you shouldn't be the only ones to have to bend a little- particularly considering that your future in-laws have known about the Easter weekend issue for some time.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:39 AM    <link>

SHE'S TAKING OFF

Dear Elise,

My sister is planning to elope. No one is invited. It will just be the bride and groom. They have been together several years and the marriage is expected. They don’t plan on having a reception afterwards. Should they register somewhere? If so, how can they relay the information?

Thank you.

Interested Sister

Dear Interested,

Your sister can absolutely register for wedding presents. There is no harm in doing that, though she can't expect to get them, necessarily.

Some people feel very strongly that only an actual invitation to an actual wedding and reception warrants sending a present, and their belief is not wrong, in terms of strict protocol. But presents are the natural outpouring of the pleasure one feels when friends or relatives get married and other people will surely want to send gifts.

There is only one way for your sister to communicate her registry information, and that is through word of mouth. She can enlist friends and relatives to spread the details, but sending out this information in any sort of printed form would make her seem a bit grabby, which is surely not what she intends.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:20 AM    <link>

INVITATIONS FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T TRAVEL

Dear Elise,

We have decided to have our wedding in Las Vegas rather than in Texas, do we send invitations to out-of-town guests who can't possibly attend or do we send them announcements?

Traveling

Dear Traveling,

Well, invitations are always nice things to get, even if one can't attend the event. There is nothing wrong with inviting people who won't be able to go to Las Vegas with you.

There is also nothing wrong with sending people wedding announcements after your Vegas jaunt, so you actually aren't in a bad spot.

If these are people you would like to have at your wedding, then by all means invite them and let them decide for themselves whether or not they can attend. You aren't responsible for knowing what they can or can't do, only for whether you'd like them among the guests at your nuptials.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:05 AM    <link>

ONE BRIDESMAID DUTY TOO MANY?

Dear Elise,

I am going to be a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. When I accepted the job I didn't know how traditional she was going to have things. With the exception of 2 people, the entire bridal party is married. The bride wants us to dance the first dance with our "partners." I feel very uncomfortable dancing with some stranger when I just got married last month. I only want to dance with my husband. Any advice?

Reluctant Bridesmaid

Dear Reluctant,

Where do you draw the line as a bridesmaid? Is it at the expensive dress you probably won't wear again? Is it at the bachelorette party you don't want to host? For you, the sticking point is over whether, in the name of friendship, you should dance a single dance with someone who is not your husband. It is all up to you, but ask yourself if this issue is really that big a deal. How long is the first dance number going to be, anyway? Four minutes? Five?

Of course, if it is really a huge issue for you, it isn't beyond the pale for you to ask your friend if you could dance with your husband instead of your arranged partner.

But think before you ask. People do all sorts of silly things for their friends when they're members of a wedding party. This is what happens. Some of these jobs are unpleasant and others are unpleasant and expensive. Yours, in this case, is something that only takes a few minutes, is free and leaves you free to dance with your husband for the rest of the evening.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:56 AM    <link>

SHOULDN'T HE BE INVITED?

Dear Elise,

My youngest sister, with whom I've been reasonably close, is planning a small family wedding this spring. I have yet to receive an official invitation to her wedding, but a month ago I called her to learn the exact date of the event. I told her that my boyfriend and I are busy people and need to plan our calendars in advance. I was shocked when she informed me that my boyfriend won't be invited. To be fair, my boyfriend and I have only been together for six months, and she did not take him into account when making the reservations for the venue. But I told my whole family that this is my soul mate. We plan on spending the rest of our lives together.

My sister was very upset that I even WANTED to bring my boyfriend and sent me an angry email about this. After some consideration I decided that I would not be comfortable at the wedding without the love of my life by my side. (I would need to travel almost three hours and stay overnight.)

I have discussed this with my parents and they feel it is inappropriate to boycott my sister's wedding. They say that my sister and her finance are not allowing a few family members on his side to bring dates either. I know my sister didn't mean to hurt me, but I feel that my family is not respecting me, or my relationship. Somehow this rankles even more, making me think my family assumed I would always be single. It is just before Christmas and I feel uncomfortable talking to anyone in my family. I feel they expect me to suck it up and be the bigger person because I am the oldest. Fortunately, my boyfriend and I already have a lovely vacation planned so the holidays will be fun without my family. I feel like an outcast.

Am I over-reacting? Is it appropriate to bar single people from bringing dates if they are in significant relationships?

Sincerely,

Finally Lucky in Love

Dear Finally Lucky,

Understandably, all of this family roiling is upsetting, but perhaps some perspective will help you sort out your feelings.

Your sister isn't dragging her heels or being mysterious when it comes to the invitations. They really should not be sent out more than eight weeks ahead of time.

It is also not wildly unusual for single people not to be allowed to bring dates. Often brides and grooms are forced, for reasons of budget or space, to keep their guest lists at a minimum, and will only invite partners of guests who have spouses or who are in committed relationships. So, your sister in this case is being inflexible but- and this is especially the case if she and her fiance are consistent in not permitting his family members to bring dates- she isn't being malicious towards you, or making any statement about the seriousness of your relationship. The fact that she could bend a little is a separate matter.

It is unclear what really happened. Is your sister aware of the seriousness of your relationship? Did she feel put out by the way you asked her about the wedding invitations (were you abrupt of officious when you told your sister that you needed to know the date of her wedding because you and your boyfriend are so busy)? Are you both overreacting a little? It doesn't matter now. What you should really do is stop exchanging emails with your sister and instead talk to each other. Does she know that you are hurt and feel that she isn't taking you seriously? For her, this may be a simple argument about head count, but for you, the issue is much different, much deeper, much more complicated. I only recommend this approach to you because you are a sister of the bride.

Only you can answer the question about whether or not to attend the wedding. If you boycott it, you are indeed making an enormous and alienating statement. It is unlikely anyone will apologize to you or even recognize the substantial reasons you feel hurt. You will merely seem cranky.

So, speak to your sister directly and tell her clearly and gently how you feel. If she remains unwavering, then you have a decision to make. It is unlikely she is doing anything to hurt you, but if it is really too unpleasant to attend the wedding without your boyfriend, you know the choice you can make. Just be aware that there are consequences that might make the gesture unsatisfying to you. Is it worth alienating your family over a two-day separation from your beloved? Perhaps it is, but I would suggest trying to lower the stakes.

Good luck and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:33 AM    <link>

I NEED TO CUT SOME

Dear Elise,

I got engaged in the end of August and my step-mom and dad were on me right away to set a date, make a guest list and get venues picked out and secured. To appease them, my fiance and I tried to do all of this before we were ready. We set a date for in the fall of 2007, and we made what we thought was a pretty reasonable guest list. Then, again under parental pressure, we sent out save the dates to almost everyone on the guest list.

Now we are moving into the actual planning stages of the wedding and we realize that the number of people on the guest list (about 100) is more than we can afford. I know this sounds horrible, but is there any way to get out of sending invitations to people who received save the date cards?

Thanks,

Overextended Bride

Dear Overextended,

This is sadly the problem with jumping the gun on invitations. A save the date card really is essentially an invitation, and it is extremely hard to retract one without hard feelings or confusion.

First, consider whether or not you need to make these cuts to your guest list. How many people do you need to take out of the equation? Are there other modifications you can make to your plans that will save you enough money to include everyone you've invited? Are your and your fiance's parents at all willing to contribute any money to your budget?

If you truly can't have all of these people, you will have to explain to the ones who don't make the cut that your wedding plans have changed and you are no longer in a position to invite them. This is surely going to cause discomfort and possibly hurt some peoples' feelings. There is no way around it. No matter how reasonable your reasons are, unless you were to do something drastic- like eloping or have a tiny family-only wedding- people will wonder why they didn't make the cut.

Be gentle and understanding when people express disappointment. It is inevitable. As far as timing goes, don't make the same mistake twice and disinvite them before you are sure you have to. At the same time, don't wait until the last minute, and whatever you do, don't invite the people you are cutting from your guest list to peripheral parties- especially not showers.

Good luck and try to look at this problem from a few angles. You may have more possibilities at hand than you realize now, and you do have some time to strategize.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:31 AM    <link>

SUPER SOCIAL GRANDMOTER VS. GUEST LIST

Dear Elise,

I am in the process of completing the guest list for my wedding. I'd like to have a small wedding (50 people),or as close to that number as possible. I have begrudgingly allowed my grandmother to invite eight of her friends. I've met them before, but I haven't seen any of them in years. I also know that they will all come.

Now, my grandmother wants me to add another four people, and I really have no idea who they are! I believe she is inviting them because she was invited their grandson's bar mitzvah. Part of me thinks I should just do it because she's been very nice and generous to me, but the other part can't get over the fact that I have no clue who they are. Apparently, according to her, I met them six years ago at my Uncle's wedding.

Is there a polite way for me to firmly tell her that I don't want them to come? It is my day after all, and my venue is not that large.

Thanks,
Grandma Has Too Many Friends

Dear Grandma Has Too Many Friends,

Only you know how difficult it will be for you to deny your grandmother her complete guest list. As far as standard etiquette goes, grandparents aren't among the groups who are necessarily entitled to generate their own private guest lists, and you can certainly tell her that you can't invite all of her friends. Of course if you don't mind, the issue is moot but if your budget doesn't permit it or if you are overwhelmed and don't want to deal with hosting her friends instead of your own, you aren't unreasonable.

The big question of course is whether she has already verbally invited the Extra Four. If she has, it will be much more difficult to deny her, not because you don't have good reason to but because she will be uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Generally speaking, the polite way to prohibit extra guests is to gently say: "I'm sorry but we just can't accommodate all those extra people." If pressed you could point out that you don't have the money or your space won't allow more than 50 people. But if you're feeling truly stuck, you won't be losing a lot to have those extra four. If you think about it, these are people you'll be able to say a quick "hello" to at the wedding, and who will hang out with your grandmother and her crowd for the rest of the time.

It is annoying to feel as if you have to cave to your grandmother's demands, and you really don't have to unless you feel that it will hurt your grandmother's feeling to turn away those four people more than it will frustrate you for having to bend a bit to her will.

Whether or not you say "No" to the extras, you should probably have a word with your grandmother about numbers and how important it is that you keep your guest list to a minimum. Be gentle, and know that even if you accept her entire guest list, you really won't have lost so much.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:31 AM    <link>

QUITTING, AFTER THE FACT

Elise:

I discovered that my husband of 3 months had an affair. I was willing to work through the infidelity with counseling. I then learned that he is not what he portrays himself to be, and even his family has suggested that I leave him for my safety and sanity. With this in mind, I am filing for divorce.

Coupled with all the feelings of hurt and embarrassment, I feel guilty about the time and expense my family put into my bridal shower and especially our wedding. I have all the wedding gifts. Is there a protocol about whether to return the gifts or not when a marriage dissolves within a short period of time?

Look forward to your response.

Leaving

Dear Leaving,

Before I plunge in, let me say how sorry I am that you are faced with this kind of upheaval and trauma.

You may be surprised to hear that, according to the protocols of traditional etiquette, you are under no obligation to return your wedding presents. Once the wedding has happened, even if the marriage is brief, you don't have to send everything back. It would not be expected.

Now, if you really want to return your presents, you can, and include a note that says how grateful you are for their support and love, but that the marriage wasn't built to last and you don't feel comfortable keeping the present. You don't need to explain anything, though if you return the gifts, you will certainly start getting phone calls.

Right now the most important thing for you to do is take care of yourself. The present pressure is off unless you feel that returning the items would somehow be therapeutic. None of this is your fault. The universe has not been on your side lately, but getting up the courage to make a break for it is perhaps a sign that the tide is turning in your favor.

Be good to yourself and be safe.

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:55 AM    <link>

SHOUD WE HIT THE ROAD?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are trying to plan "how" we're going to get married. We cannot afford a fancy wedding. My parents cannot afford it, either.

Both of our families are large. Even if we cut down our guest list and invite only 50 members of each of our families, we would still be excluding three quarters of both of our families. There's no way we can invite everyone even though it would definitely hurt people's feelings if we didn't.

We have seriously considered elopement. The thought of it sounds so peaceful. What would or could a girl do? We want to pass the celebration of our union, on to everyone.

Help.

Family Overload

Dear FO,

There is absolutely no shame is eloping. There is really no shame in eloping, or having a courthouse wedding, when you're up against the kind of family numbers you describe (a minimum inclusive guest list of 400 is no joke).

There is a little bit of discrete middleground you can consider, but you must be absolutely strict and rigid about the rules. You could have a parents-only wedding or immediate family-only wedding, where you literally only permit either parents or parents and siblings (and their significant others). You also could elope and get married utterly privately.

As far as how to celebrate your marriage with your families, you could send out announcements after your wedding and arrange to have some easy, inexpensive get-togethers with various groups of relatives and friends. It may be much easier for you be casual about your nuptials when it comes to your extended families, and leave the more "traditional" wedding affairs to a small group of immediate family (and even some discreet friends).

Ultimately, how you arrange things is really up to you. The key things to remember are to treat both families (yours and your fiance's) with complete equanimity, and that there is no shame in not being able to afford something enormous and elaborate. If you are open with your family about your limitations and your interest in alternative celebrations, you will have done everything you could to protect your family's feelings and your bank accounts.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:42 AM    <link>

ENGAGEMENT PARTY ISSUES
2 QUESTIONS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are newly engaged and have told all of our friends and loved ones the great news. When folks started asking when an engagement party would be scheduled, we both shrugged and said "soon." We love having cocktail parties and thought an engagement party would be fun.

I'm mulling over hosting this party but heard that only people who will definitely be invited to the wedding should be invited to the engagement party. We're at the extreme beginning stage of planning. We don't have a date or a location set (or even agreed on which state it will be in), much less a firm grasp on exactly who will be invited to the wedding.

To complicate matters I am involved in a sport that has 60+ players who are all ecstatic about our engagement. I know for sure we can't afford to invite the league to our wedding, but they are so excited about it I'd love to invite them to the engagement party so we can all celebrate together.

So is it proper to invite all our family, friends, teammates, etc to an engagement party when they might not be invited to the actual wedding? OR should we invite everyone we for sure know will be invited (regardless if they are across the country)? OR just throw a small engagement party, inviting only local people we know for sure will be invited to the wedding?

Please help!

Thank you,
Confused Partygal

Hi,

I'd like to throw a shower or engagement party for my good friend, and we're leaning towards an engagement party.

Her wedding party will be on the smaller side. Can we invite people to the engagement party who won't be invited to the wedding? I have been invited to the engagement party and not invited to the wedding of a friend, and I didn't mind. Though, doing this does seem a little awkward.

The party I'll plan will be nice but on the casual side of things as this is a low key and casual crowd.

Also, what are the expectations regarding gifts for engagement parties?

Thanks for your advice.

Party Planning

Dear Confused and Planning,

Engagement parties are peculiar events. They don't carry the weight that showers do. Showers guests really must be invited to weddings because they are required to bring presents to the party, and because of the party's close proximity to the wedding. To answer your second question first, Party Planning, presents are entirely optional at engagement parties. Guests can bring something or not as they see fit. At the same time, however, they are wedding parties and it would make sense that the engagement guests would be invited to the big event, too.

Confusing, isn't it?

There are no strict policies about engagement party guest lists, so really the plans are up to the best judgments of the host and the future bride and groom.

There are a few points to consider, of course. The more months you have between engagement party and wedding, the more flexibility you have about the guest list. If you don't, as is the case with Confused Partygal, even know what state your wedding will be in, let alone how large the event will be, you are in a perfect position to host an all-inclusive engagement party. If people ask, you can say that you have no idea what you're planning and just wanted to bring everyone together to celebrate.

In addition, if you're planning on having a very small wedding, a destination wedding, or if everything is going to take place in some distant state, then you are also in a good position to have a big engagement party where you won't necessarily invite everyone to your nuptials.

As you plan your guest lists, keep these things in mind. You don't want to create a situation where guests wonder what they did wrong at the engagement party that warranted their exclusion from the wedding guest list, but at the same time you don't want your unplanned wedding plans to limit you. Consider the personalities of your guests and your party circumstances.

The less settled the wedding plans are, the more freedom you can have with the engagement party, but always take the measure of your friends.

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:07 AM    <link>

FAMILY JERKS. . . YOU AROUND

Dear Elise,

HELP!

I've got a crazy family. My mother and I barely speak, my brother and I barely speak, one of my sisters and I are polite, my other sister and I are best friends.

So after much soul searching, I invited my entire family to my wedding. It's a small wedding. My fiance and I are paying for it ourselves. And we've really gone all out. It's going to cost a lot.

My brother and my sisters all RSVP'd that they were coming. My mother refuses to RSVP, and then finally told everyone in the family except me that she's not going. Then my brother says he isn't going because he cant feel comfortable without our mother there, and the sister to whom I am least close says the same thing. (At this point it's was under two weeks before the wedding.)

We call my Dad and he says they aren't coming.

We paid the bill, count finalized - it's all done.

Next day.. get a letter from sister #2. They all want
to come?

What do I do???

Thanks,

Yo-yo Family

Dear Yo-yo Family,

There's no question that you've got a set of winners on your hands.

At this point, you have one practical question to answer: can your caterer handle your sister, brother and parents? Call and see if they can even be accommodated.

Now, since your family seems to enjoy jerking you around, perhaps the best thing to do is to contact your parents, your brother and your chilly sister individually and directly, and ask them if they really intend to attend or not. Explain that you need to make arrangements with your caterer and you need definitive answers.

Don't communicate in letters or email for this job. You need to actually put everyone on the spot and get real information at this point. Also, if you get each individual to commit one way or the other on the phone with you, you'll be able to get a better sense of what they're thinking. You aren't really being confrontational here (though you'd be well within your rights if you were annoyed), you're only asking for information that you really need to have.

If they demure at all, tell them that you will not expect them and will make sure the caterer knows not to accommodate them, but do not take the bait if they try to encourage you to argue. Just tell them that you're sorry their plans didn't work out. If they do intend to go, you don't have to be effusive, but you should let them know how much you appreciate their coming.

I'm sorry you're faced with this. It's really not fair to feel so manipulated by your immediate relatives, at any time but especially around your nuptials-- talk about kicking a girl when she's down.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:07 AM    <link>

OFFICE INVITATIONS

Dear Elise-

I work for a small company (about 15 people) and am very friendly with my coworkers but don't really socialize with them outside of work. My fiance and I are aiming to have roughly 80-90 people at our wedding and excluding coworkers our guest list has already hit that mark. Inviting all of my coworkers plus dates is not feasible.

Ideally I would love to invite maybe 3 or 4 people, but in such a small environment news of an invite would spread fast and some people would likely get offended if they were left out. Unfortunately I think if I invite these folks they would be the type to come too so I can't even bank on them declining. Is it OK not to invite anyone from your current job to your wedding? Or can I invite a few of them and put "don't tell anyone else" on the save the date cards?

Sincerely,
Small Office Confused

Dear Small Office,

Actually, both of your solutions are reasonably safe.

First, you must decide if you really want any of your coworkers at your wedding. If you feel comfortable about excluding the lot of them, you're in good shape. The easiest way to navigate invitations when it comes to small groups (like tiny offices) is to treat everyone the same way and simply not invite anyone. If asked, you can always tell people you're having a small wedding (which you are, by many standards) and by not inviting anyone from your office, no one will be able to be sad at having been left out.

On the other hand, if you really do feel strongly about inviting a handful of coworkers, you should refrain from all wedding discussions at the office, send all your correspondence to your co-worker friends at their homes (and not, under any circumstances leave invitations at their desks). Finally, you must tell your friends to be discrete. Explain that you couldn't invite everyone, and beg them for the sake of your professional social well-being to clam up. This is a lesson everyone should know from grammar school birthday parties, anyway, but a reminder from you will cover your bases.

So it is up to you. The former route is a bit "safer" than the latter, but if you caution people carefully you should be in the clear. You don't have to invite a few coworkers, but that's the way to do it, if you want to.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:30 AM    <link>

MYSTERY FATHER

Elise,

My partner and I just recently got engaged and started planning our wedding.

My dad always seemed to really love my girlfriend, but once I told him we were getting married, he refused to talk about the wedding at all. I'll talk about it and he'll just sort of nod and turn away and go on about his business. I asked him if he would mind splitting the budget (which is really quite small) with me. Was it wrong for me to expect some support and enthusiasm about his only daughter's wedding?

Why would he seem completely okay with her one minute, and then not the next? Is it wrong to single out things I'd like him to help him pay for if he doesn't like the 'other' bride? Help!

-Bride...Interrupted

Dear Bride Interrupted,

There is no telling what your father's problem may be.

He could be uncomfortable about the fact that you're marrying another woman to the point where his confusion is making him forget that he actually really likes your girlfriend. On the other hand, he may be upset that you are marrying at all. Perhaps your engagement signifies beyond a doubt that you are grown-up, which means that he must be "old," which depresses him. Anything could be making him act strangely.

Your father's attitude is one problem, and is something you can question him about. If you decide to approach him directly, brace yourself for answers that might not please you. On the other hand, you have some time to let him get used to the idea of your marriage and maybe he'll settle back into his normal state without prodding.

The money is a completely separate issue. From where you sit, his feelings and his financial contributions seem to have a lot to do with each other, but try to think of them as related but essentially unconnected issues. You didn't do anything wrong in asking your father if he wanted to contribute to your wedding, but he is within his rights to tell you that he can't or won't be giving you any money.

The best protection against his refusal is to be able to tell yourself that you don't need his money. This may mean that you need to do a lot of contingency planning but if he withholds cash (or just can't offer it for whatever reason) you will resent him less if you don't have to make huge sacrifices.

You have some time, so try to be patient with your father. Keep him in the loop about your plans but don't push hard for his approval or his financial support. This may be one of those situations where the more independent you are, the more he will be inclined to step in and the less conflicted you will be about accepting him on whatever terms he offers.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:29 AM    <link>

CLASH OF LOCALE AND DRESS CODE?

Hi Elise.

My partner and I are getting married and are trying to figure out how formal we want the event to be. We’re having a pretty large wedding (150-200 guests) in the late afternoon at her parent’s apple orchard with reception and dinner to follow (in a tent). Neither of us is particularly big on formal situations, but our families are pretty traditional and we wanted to make our wedding special so I’m going to be wearing a wedding dress, she’s going to wear a suit, and the meal itself is going to be pretty nice.

A lot of our friends are actually camping out in the orchard that night, and we’re planning to let people swim in the pool during (or maybe just after) the reception. We want our friends and family to be comfortable, but we don’t want people showing up in t-shirts or jeans like they would to go camping/swimming OR feeling like they have to wear a suit, high heels, or other painful formalwear like they would for a traditional wedding.

How should we word the invitation—should we even include attire? How can we let people know that they can bring a swimsuit? (or should we just abandon this idea altogether?!?)

Thanks!
Disjointed Dress Code

Dear Disjoined,

If your guests are actually camping out, you realize you can have only limited expectations of how formal and unwrinkled they will be able to muster. Will your guests be able to iron their finery after swimming and before your ceremony? Clearly these are practical questions, but it is worth considering them before you create any addenda to your invitations.

Traditionally, guests would understand what to wear to weddings based on what time and where the wedding events were scheduled to unfold. Clearly, the ground has shifted, and in your case, you really might want to provide some direction. Many contemporary invitations will include a simple suggestion (i.e.: "Black Tie") about what direction guests' sartorial choices should take.

What would you like to do? Would you like to tell your guests to dress up, but not too much? If your feelings about dress code are non-specific (that is to say, don't fit into the standard categories of Black Tie or White Tie or Fancy Dress or the dread Festive Dress), you may want to just include a note about what guests should bring with them in your invitation packet. You can mention here, that they can bring bathing suits and indicate that dress for your wedding is semi-formal (if that description does it for you).

Since you don't have a clear idea of what you want you guests to do, you can be vague in an addendum to your invitation, rather than specific on your invitation itself.

Your wedding sounds like a blast. Splash away!

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:05 AM    <link>

SHE'S JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT

Greetings,

My brother is divorced, and his ex-wife really seems to hate him, so relations are sad and complicated. Their daughter is having her Bat Mitzvah, and is excluding the members of his family her mother does not like. (My daughter and I are two of them, which is sad because my niece always seemed to like us.) My brother talked to his daughter about it, and was disturbed by the lack of empathy she showed. She does not seem to be bothered by suffering in others, as long as she gets her way.

My mother is flying in for the ceremony, but would prefer to not have to go to the dinner. It is late at night, and she has an early flight the next day. She also wishes to avoid extended contact with her son's ex-wife.

My brother told his daughter this, and she pitched a fit, doesn’t want to see him anymore, and doesn’t want him to talk to the rabbi. She wants it her way, or no way. On the one hand this event is all about her. On the other hand, she is being incredibly mean spirited. My brother supports her and her mother and has paid for half the ceremony, but has had no say in the guest list or arrangements.

Is there a polite way out of this, that will give my brother an opportunity to teach his daughter that meanness and holding grudges won't get her anywhere? Is it polite to go to the religious ceremony, but not the party, or only part of the party? What can he say to her? Otherwise, he fears, she will learn all the wrong messages, at this time when she is supposedly becoming more of an adult?

Help!

Worried Sister/ Irritated Aunt

Dear WS/IA,

This is a challenge that will require a lot more attention than a few quick etiquette adjustments can manage, but here is a start on civility before you pursue the deeper questions.

While it is true that this is your niece's "day" in some sense, it is also a moment where, according to the definition of the occasion, where she is starting to be an adult. One of the things one learns as a grown-up is how to compromise and how to participate in a greater community- even one that is composed of family members.

So, to a certain extent, your brother needs to stop being afraid of his child. She has learned that by being withholding and nasty she will get what she wants. If this is displeasing to your brother, he should not reward her behavior. He can absolutely love and support his child without condoning her grudge holding. Here are a few examples of approaches he can take:

-Of course your brother will go to the Bat Mitzvah. That is the way it goes. His daughter should not be given the choice.

-Why can't your brother speak to the rabbi about his daughter's behavior and attitude? He is the adult in this scenario and should not let her bully him. The rabbi may have extremely good advice on how to handle the social dynamics of an angry teenager with divorced parents.

-Why can't your niece hear that her grandmother will not be staying for the post-ceremony party? This is as good a time as any for the child to learn that people can't always be available all the time. On the other hand, perhaps your mother can think about attending part of the party, as a gesture to your niece. She should talk to your niece about why she can't stay the whole time.

-Why can't your brother call his daughter on her bad behavior? She is his child and he's entitled to be a disciplinarian with her. He doesn't need to threaten her, but he can certainly tell her that it is ugly and unbecoming and ungrateful to act this way.

So, everyone here really needs to stop walking on eggshells around this girl and her mother. The Bat Mitzvah is about becoming an adult and to a certain extent that means not getting your way all the time and having to accept that there are consequences for bad behavior. No one has to be cruel to her.

Being polite does not mean having to cave to every demand the girl of honor makes. It means accepting or declining invitations and exerting oneself as far as it feels comfortable. I'm sorry you are all in this position, of course, but the best thing to do is rise above it. You can send your niece a nice congratulatory card. She doesn't need a present that rewards her behavior. Her father should talk to the rabbi, tell her that her attitude is unacceptable, and exercise a bit of discipline. The reign of terror should end, and 13 years is a pretty good run for a dictator.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:13 AM    <link>

THANK YOU NOTES FOR GROUP PRESENT

Dear Elise,

We are down to our last few thank-you notes, and are unsure about how to handle a particular gift. One of my husband's cousins and his children gave us a group present.

We invited our parents' many first cousins, but only their children in cases where my husband or I had direct relationships with them (this didn't ruffle any feathers). Because this particular cousin is widowed, elderly and can't travel alone, we invited one of his sons, but not his other son or his daughter. They came to the wedding, and brought a gift with a card attached indicating it was from all four of them. The children all live at separate addresses from their father. Writing a separate note to each of them, seems awkward with respect to the two who were not invited.

My husband thought we should write two notes, one to the father and one to the son who attended our wedding. I thought we should send a single thank you to the family, sent in care of the father. We'd really appreciate your advice on how to handle this.

Thanks,

Group Gift Dilemma

Dear GGD,

In this case, I think you're best off facing your fears directly and sending thank you notes to each of the four gift-givers. If all of them pitched in on a present for you, they certainly all deserve to be thanked directly.

As for discomfort, you are certain that everyone understood your guest list limitations and that the two people who were not invited did not mind being excluded. Just because this makes you feel a little uncomfortable after the fact doesn't mean you shouldn't stare down the barrel of awkwardness and write to everyone directly. You made a choice that everyone understood and now you can stand beside it with confidence and do the right thing, which is to thank each person directly for his or her participation in your present.

I know it means some extra writing and you were just seeing the light at the end of your note-writing tunnel, but your graciousness will be noted if you send everyone a personal note.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:17 AM    <link>

ENGAGEMENT PARTY FIRST STEPS

Dear Elise,

Who usually sponsors an engagement party? As the mother of the groom, I don't want to skip anything that I should be responsible for, and my son just became engaged to his beautiful girlfriend.

Thank you,

-An Anxious Mother-In-Law To Be

Dear Anxious,

The first order of business should be for you to replace "anxious" with "excited," since this is a happy event for you and something truly to celebrate.

Now, traditionally, engagement parties are hosted by the bride-to-be's parents. This used to be especially the case if the engagement was formally announced at the party. But really, engagement parties can be hosted by close friends of the engaged couple or even the groom's family.

Strict rules of tradition are probably less critical for you than just figuring out which set of parents will throw which party. If you really want to have an engagement party, ask your son if his fiancee's parents are planning one and if they aren't, ask if you could have the honor.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:45 AM    <link>

WEDDING REDUX

Dear Elise,

I am invited to a church wedding for a couple that already had a civil wedding ceremony a year ago. I attended the "first" wedding and gave a present. Should I give another gift now?

Thank you!

Again a Guest

Dear Again,

You really do not need to give multiple presents for the same wedding unless you are particularly moved to do so.

It never hurts to send a card, so you can absolutely write a congratulatory note and feel virtuous.

If that doesn't feel right (and there's no reason why it shouldn't) and you do want to make some sort of larger gesture, consider making a small charitable donation in your friends' names or offering them something amusing but not too taxing, like a gift of bacon (or bread) or even brisket.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:00 AM    <link>

PICTURE POLITICS

Dear Elise,

My fiance's brother got married this past summer, when my fiance and I had been engaged for more than six months.

I was excluded from the family pictures at my future brother-in-law's wedding, and was left to fend for myself and get to the reception alone (my fiance was a groomsmen). This left me rather bitter.

I had been planning to ask my future sister-in-law to be part of my wedding party because we had a decent relationship. After the photo and reception incident, I will definitely not be asking her to be part of my wedding party, and I really don't even want her to be included in our wedding pictures. I understand that it was her day, and I should not expect to be included, but am nevertheless hurt by her insensitivity. Am I out of line?

Burned and Confused

Dear B&C,

Your future sister-in-law's behavior was not particularly warm and friendly, but it is not wildly unusual. Some families not only exclude non-married partners of children from group portraits, but go further and don't even permit non-blood relatives in group photos. These cases are notably extreme.

Having said that, just because your future sister-in-law didn't do something entirely original doesn't mean you can't be offended. She handled this situation poorly and made you feel lousy.

What should you do about the pictures? Excluding this woman entirely, quid pro quo, from your wedding photos would be a huge gesture that in all likelihood would be rather divisive. People would be forced to pick sides about this question.

A better choice is to be more subtle. You can exclude your future sister-in-law from many of your photos and strategize which ones you won't mind her in. Make sure your husband is on board with your decision, so that he is aware of what photos you want to have taken and which ones should absolutely or absolutely not include her.

She may react poorly if she senses you are minimizing her participation in pictures, but you and your husband are in charge. As long as you get a few all inclusive pictures and even a couple of her with her husband alone, you should be fine- and you still won't have to look at her in your wedding album if you don't want to.

Planning is everything.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:11 AM    <link>

TYPED THANK YOU NOTES?

Hi Elise,

We are in the process of planning our wedding, and I want to have all my ducks in a row. I am visually impaired and unable to prepare handwritten thank-you notes. Would it be acceptable for me to have personalized stationary and type the thank-you notes? 95% of the guests will be from my very large extended family, and I do not wish to make my new husband hand write notes to people he may have never meet.

Thank-you,

Blind Eye

Dear Blind Eye,

While it is, indeed, customary for thank you notes to be hand-written, you clearly have an obvious reason why this is physically not feasible for you. You can absolutely type your correspondence.

You mention not wanting your future husband to have to write to people he may have never met, and this is absolutely fair of you, but I should point out that thank you note composition is traditionally something the new wife does and historically she would often find herself writing little missives to people she may never have met. It is not unreasonable for contemporary couples to share thank you note responsibilities, so you wouldn't be wrong if you get some help with the notes.

In any case, you should do what feels comfortable and considering your physical limitations, you don't need to think twice about your notes not being hand written.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:53 AM    <link>

DESTINATION WEDDINGS & INVITATION CONFUSION

Dear Elise,

My daughter and her fiance are having a destination wedding. Only family and very close friends, about 40 people, will be invited to the wedding.

The following week my husband and I will host a wedding celebration at our home. This list will include all of their friends and relatives. We anticipate 100+ people.

Should there be two separate invitations? When should they be sent out?

Planning

Dear Planning,

You should send out two separate invitations since you are really talking about two entirely separate events. The fact that there is one pretext for both of them is less important than keeping your guest lists separate and preventing confusion.

Typically invitations are mailed out about six to eight weeks before the wedding. Since this is a destination wedding, your daughter may want to talk to her caterer and the places where people will be staying to see how early they need to solidify reservations. This will determine when the invitations get mailed. She may want to do that mailing on the earlier end, if it seems more convenient for everyone. (If people need to make plans very early, she should consider sending a Save the Date card.)

As for your reception a week later, you should follow similar guidelines. When does your caterer need a head count? If your caterer needs two weeks lead-time, then you should set your RSVP-by date a week earlier than that (so that you can track down truants and get answers out of them). You, too, can work within this six to eight week window, but definitely send out two different mailings. You don't want to risk people not realizing there are two different events a week apart because both invitations were sent in the same envelope, or any other kind of mix-up.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:04 AM    <link>

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