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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

BRIDESMAID BACKING OUT

Dear Elise,

My friend invited me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and I said "yes." After helping her purchase her wedding dress, looking at bridesmaid dresses, and helping her with other things, I discovered that her fiance is still technically married, and his divorce won't be final before his wedding to my friend. My friend's family has already booked the ceremony site, the reception site, the caterer, etc. but they don't know that their future son-in-law is still married to someone else. Also, my friend and her fiance are constantly fighting. My friend confided in me that she wants to be married but she wants to keep her independence too.

I don't want to be involved in this wedding because I don't believe they should marry each other. I have serious reservations about the fact that they are lying to her family, and their own lack of communication with each other.

I am afraid that if I voice my opinion and let her know that I no longer want to be in the wedding, she will flip-out.

What should I do?

- Need Out

Dear Need Out,

Well, as a practical matter, your friend can't actually get legally married if her fiance is still married to someone else. You friend and her fiance won't even be able to obtain a marriage license if that is the case, so they will have to work that out either by postponing their wedding or by having a non-legal wedding ceremony and then paying a visit to City Hall once they've got the whole bigamy question sorted out. Simple legal issues may solve your problem for you.

But they might not.

So, the question at the heart of the matter is this: how do you feel about your relationship with your friend? Do you want to keep your friendship? Do you want to support her as a general matter? Are you reluctant to encourage her relationship with this man who scoffs at the law?

If it is just a question of their fighting, is it really your business? Maybe this is how she enjoys life. Some people live to argue and have happy marriages that the rest of us can't imagine enduring. On the other hand, if this is truly abuse and something dangerous, you may have a different scenario to deal with, in which case you should say something to your friend.

If you want to continue your friendship and support your friend, you may be best off not backing out but telling her that you know her marriage won't be legal, that you think she is misguided in deceiving her parents and that you are concerned about the way she and her fiance fight. This is a hard conversation to have and she may ask you to relinquish your bridesmaid duties anyway, but that will have been her decision and you won't ever have the sense that you abandoned her.

Backing out without explanation will merely damage your friendship in such a way that your friend will think you're crazy or jealous or just unsupportive without showing her why anyone might have a problem with the wedding.

So it is up to you. There is no predicting how she will react but you owe it to your friendship with her, even if you back out and want nothing more to do with her, to speak to her gently and kindly about your concerns.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:53 AM    <link>

OVERWHELMING THE RESPONSE CARD

Dear Elise,

I am curious about what wording I should use on my response cards. I need a lot of information.

We have 3 meal choices: chicken, vegetarian, and children under 12. We'd like the names of all guests attending. I'd also like to include the option of responding online at our wedding website. How can this all be written eloquently? In addition, can I leave off the postage on response envelopes for people I believe will use the online response? Thank you.

- Composing Quandary

Dear CQ,

Your first step should be to ask your caterer if you actually need to get the meal choices from your guests. Many caterers don't really need the information you gather from response cards. People change their minds in the weeks between the time they mail in responses and the moment they actually sit down to your reception dinner. As for the kid meal question, presumably is clear to you (since you're inviting families you know) which children are under twelve, and you'll be familiar with their names when they appear on the response cards. Are you expecting a lot of children you don't know?

If you still want to include the meal choices, go for clarity in your language. Something along the lines of:

"Please indicate your meal preference: Chicken, Vegetarian, Child's Menu (under 12 years of age)"

On the subject of people's names, the standard response card format encourages people to respond with the names of the people attending. This tends to look like this- where the first line prompts your guests to fill in their names:

M_________________

____ Accepts _____ Rejects

If you are concerned that people will unhelpfully write "yes!" in the blank, you could include a note saying: "Please include the names of all guests."

Finally, your online RSVP request is going to be tricky because you are sending out a response card. People will probably assume you want the card returned and might not take advantage of the online option. If you don't care terribly that your website RSVP choice may be ignored you don't have to include any special language on your response card. You can include the web site address as an option as in:

RSVP to: YOUR ADDRESS or WWW.YOURWEBSITE.COM

Stamps are a courtesy, but if you want to leave stamps off in hopes of encouraging your guests to respond online, you can skip response card stamps entirely.

But really, there is no way to be non-clunky with all of your questions, assuming you feel you have to ask them. Just be clear about what information you are collecting, since simplicity can take the place of elegance, and often eloquence as well.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:46 AM    <link>

CAN THERE BE THANK YOU EXCESS?

Dear Elise,

I was always taught that proper etiquette dictates if you exchange Christmas gifts with family and friends than a thank you note is not necessary. If they were sent in mail and not opened face to face than a thank you note is in order.

My sister says thank you notes should be sent on all Christmas presents including those from siblings, parents etc., whom you thanked face to face when you opened the present?

Thank You,

Debating Notes

Dear Debating,

Traditionally speaking, if you open a present in the presence of the giver and thank the person for the gift, you are not obliged to send a thank you note. This policy is not entirely universal, and there are plenty of exceptions, such as wedding showers or baby showers or other larger scale parties, where it has become standard practice to write thank you notes for those present.

When it comes to family Christmas presents, though, the idea of writing notes after you've sat around in pajamas and unwrapped presents together and thanked each other while playing with the toys and waiting for lunch to be ready, seems a bit excessive.

You can tell your sister that in the main, you are correct, however, one should really use one's best judgment. If you have relatives who care deeply about receiving notes, send one and think of it as an additional part of the present. (This is less crucial if you were all together when the present was opened.) If the present was mailed to you, you should absolutely write a note acknowledging it, and children can be encouraged to write thank you notes for presents they receive at their birthday parties (not only as a pedagogical tool, but also because it has become the norm to open presents after the party is long over). Otherwise it is not necessary to introduce so much formality unless you sense that a note is something particularly desirable.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:19 AM    <link>

CORRECTED - ADDRESSING A PRESIDENT

Hi,

How would I address a wedding invitation to Bill and Hillary Clinton? President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton? Mr. and Mrs. Bill Clinton? Just "The Clintons?" What's the proper way to put it?

Thanks,
He's Still My President

Dear He's Still,

There is a short answer to your question, and it follows the protocols of traditional etiquette, from which it seems foolish to deviate at this point.

Former presents become "The Honorable," so as a general matter you would be perfectly proper to address your invitation to:

The Honorable FORMER PRESIDENT'S NAME and Mrs. FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAST NAME

In this specific case, however, given the titles of both spouses, you would do best to proceed as follows

The Honorable William Jefferson Clinton and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton

Congratulations,

Elise

And many thanks to those who wrote in regarding my neglect of the all important distinction between the general and the specific. I can only hope that before too many decades pass, there will be an opportunity to be even more specific where one addresses letters to the Honorable Former President's Name and HER spouse or partner.

posted by Elise at 4:46 AM    <link>

I HAD TO BACK OUT!

Dear Elise,

This past spring, a friend's fiancee asked me to be a bridesmaid in their spring 2007 wedding. I agreed. Since then, my sister revealed to me that she plans to leave her abusive spouse. I offered to fly across the country to help her move out (she will have to do this surreptitiously, for her own safety), and she accepted.

My sister set a moving date, and unfortunately it coincides with the wedding. My sister and I are very close, and I feel that her needs at a time like this come above all else. So, I made the decision to back out of the wedding.

I left the bride a (hopefully graceful) message- it's been months and I've heard nothing back. I've wanted to contact her many times, but I realize that I should have tried again sooner, so now I feel tactless AND stressed. I'm afraid that I hurt her, and I don't know what to say.

Help?

- Anxious

Dear Anxious,

I'm sorry you are up against it- sorry that your sister is in a bad spot and sorry that your obligations piled up so badly.

Everyone must understand that deeply pressing problems can overrule even the best planned weddings. The mess of life interferes with all sorts of things, and while I know you feel bad about having to back out of this wedding, you not only have a good and unselfish reason, you have given your friends plenty of advance notice.

Do not be angry at their silence. Keep trying to contact your friends and speak to them directly. It is reasonable that you'd be feeling guilty and upset, but it will be much better when you actually speak. Don't keep leaving messages. Answering machine communications always come off as being a little chilly and create the impression that the caller was just waiting until everyone was out to leave the bad news.

So call again and keep calling until you can talk to your friends. Your sister needs you, and you can take care of her and your friendships at the same time. Send a card and, if you can, a present to the bride and groom and I wish you and your sister luck.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:24 AM    <link>

AISLE ISSUES & KID QUESTION

Dear Elise,

I am engaged to a wonderful man with 2 children. My family is very conservative and has not yet come to terms with the fact that I've chosen this life. Instead of support I've received only hostility, which has lead me to believe they do not wish to attend at all. My sister is the only one who actually said that she wouldn't dare come to my wedding.

Do I send my family invitations regardless of their feelings? What are some creative ways to come down the aisle alone if my Dad isn't there to give me away? More importantly, if he chooses to come and expects to walk me down to save face, how could I courageously decline?

Also, what do you think about my fiance getting married again in the same year as his ex? Should we be considerate and change our date so the kids don't have to witness both parents getting married with in the same calendar year? I am quite certain their own mother hasn't given this a second thought, however my fiance cares deeply about do the right thing for his kids.

Thanks~

Mixed Emotions

Dear Mixed Emotions,

You do indeed have a lot to think about, but maybe the best approach for you, regarding your family, would be to approach them as you would any other guests. Neutralize them.

So, it would not hurt to take the high road and invite your family. Doing so puts you on record for being generous and forgiving and means that your parents will really have to think hard about how unpleasant they truly want to be before they send their regrets to your wedding.

As for the aisle walk, it should be comforting to hear that there have always been alternatives to the father-walks-his-daughter-down-the-aisle paradigm. It has never been considered unusual or even sad for a bride to walk herself to the altar. You don't have to do anything novel or dignity saving. Of course, if you want to have a friend or team of friends do the escort honors, you could certainly ask them, or you could recruit members of the wedding party, if you're having one, but you will be fine on your own.

If your father does decide to attend and seems inclined to participate in the aisle walk tradition, and you really don't want any part of him, you're utterly reasonable. There is nothing wrong with telling him that you are thrilled he will be attending your nuptials, but that since you know his feelings about them you'd feel much better not putting him a situation where he has to misrepresent his feelings. Phrased this way, you won't sound as if you're speaking out of anger but out of consideration for his feelings. He won't necessarily understand your point of view and you shouldn't try to change his mind, but you deserve to do what you want, so don't let him bully you into anything you don't want.

Finally, in terms of etiquette, there is nothing socially wrong with former spouses remarrying in the same year. However, I am not trained in psychiatry and am not in a position to say what sort of effect this could have on children. If you and your fiance (and anyone else from whom you would seek counsel on their well-being) feel the kids will be fine with the two marriages, don't hesitate. Be honest with the children, encourage their participation but don't push them if they're reluctant and try to help them with their complicated feelings, but don't feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:37 AM    <link>

THE MANY PERSONALITIES OF "HONEY DO"

Hi!!

I was wondering about the guidelines for a "Honey-Do" shower. Is the shower like a bridal shower for guys? Normally guys don't come to a bridal shower. Are girls invited to a "Honey Do" shower? I'm just not sure because I've never been to one. Everyone I talk to says that it's a guy shower only.

Thanks,

Confused

Dear Confused,

I’m glad to hear that you're confused, because I am as well. The problem with a lot of the specific theme showers is that they have evolved in many different ways, and taken on different identities depending on where they're thrown. What is a "Honey Do" shower to you might be some sort of stag party to others.

One standard interpretation of the "Honey Do" shower is that it is a girls-only party where the theme is that the bride will say to her incredibly handy husband "Honey, do something about the leak under the sink," or something to that effect. The presents offered are, naturally related to home repair. I will say here that there is no reason why fixing things has to divide along gender lines. There is absolutely no reason why the future bride can't get it together to do some of her own home repair or for that matter, why the wedding couple can't collect a few phone numbers of professionals who can take care of the problems without causing extra damage to the house.

In some regions, this may be a co-ed shower or a boys-only affair, but really it depends on where you are and what the traditions are. Your local acquaintances would be better at advising you on the ins and outs of this shower. Of course, if one is of the opinion that any and all genders can do home repairs in which case, you may want to open the party to everyone.

The bottom line is that you wouldn't be doing anything wrong no matter who is on the guest list. No sense of the authentic will be offended. Talk to the prospective bride and groom, see what they want and take it from there.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:15 AM    <link>

BUT SHE IS HIS SISTER

Dear Elise,

My stepson will be getting married this summer. We will have to travel quite far for his wedding. He has made it very clear that his 4 year-old sister is not welcome. She will be permitted at the 15-minute service but then must leave after that.

They are happy to have her for the service so she can be in pictures to show she was there but don’t want her around afterwards. The event is not formal or expensive, and if it were local and easy to leave our daughter with a sitter we would still be hurt, but it could be arranged.

We feel that flying 6 hours for 15 minutes of participation and then having to turn around and go back to the hotel is unreasonable, what is your opinion?

Thank you

Angry

Dear Angry,

It absolutely makes sense that you're hurt by your stepson's gesture. It is not uncommon for people to prefer childfree weddings, but he seems to want to have things both ways, which is complicated by the fact that he is also requiring travel.

Keep in mind that just as your stepson is entitled to make whatever choices he makes about his wedding, you are also entitled to make decisions in response. If it is not worth it to you to travel a great distance only to have to sit around in a hotel or toodle around in town looking for fun with a four-year old, then you have the option of staying home. You wouldn't be unreasonable for making that choice. Every decision has some kind of fallout and his choice to exclude his sister may mean that he doesn't get to enjoy your presence.

It is unfortunate when these decisions fall out this way, but you should try to minimize your anger, be practical, and make him aware of the reasons for your decision. If it isn't worth it to you to spend the money for three airplane tickets to his town so that only one person can attend his wedding and reception, then send your husband, send a nice present and let him know that he and his bride can snag some pictures with your daughter some other time.

Really, if he can be clinical about his no-kids decision, you can be clinical about not exerting yourself for little reward, if that's how you feel about it. Just be pure with your reasoning and don’t act angry or resentful.

I’m sorry you're facing this but it wouldn't be the end of the world to sit this one out.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:47 AM    <link>

I WANT ANSWERS

Dear Elise,

What is the rule-of-thumb for due date of RSVP cards?
Do I give my guests 2 or 3 weeks to respond from the time I send out the invitation?

- Rushing the RSVP

Dear Rushing,

The easiest way to set your R.S.V.P.-by date is to take a very practical approach. Ask your caterer how far in advance he or she needs a final head count. (This is usually a week or two before the event). Then tack a week or ten days to that date so that you'll have time to track down all of your friends who were remiss.

You can, of course, select an arbitrary date for R.S.V.P's, but an actual reason why you need an answer is never a bad thing.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:28 AM    <link>

DATING

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have just recently gotten engaged. We wanted to have our wedding on the same day as our current anniversary but found that the venue we want is completely booked for that day.

A spot is, however, available for the nest day. This is fine with us except for the fact that some friends of ours got married on this date and will be celebrating their first wedding anniversary. We really want to get married as close as possible to our current anniversary and want to know if it would be okay to have our wedding on the same day as our friends.

Same Day Dilemma

Dear SDD,

Really, your friends don't "own" that day. Many, many people will get married or have other momentous events happen on their wedding anniversary, which really is a rather private event that the two of them are most likely to celebrate together, except for the biggies for which big parties are often thrown (the 25t h, 50t h, that sort of thing).

So you're not doing anything wrong by choosing to get married on your friends' anniversary. If they have plans that conflict with their attending your wedding, then that's your trade off. As long as you don't ask them to change their arrangements and they don't ask you to shift your plans around, then you're in good shape.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:33 AM    <link>

WE'RE MARRIED! NOW WE'RE CONFUSED

Hi Elise-

My husband and I were married in December, 2006, with only our immediate family and two best friends in attendance. We plan on having an open house my husband's grandparents' cabin in May, 2007. I have three questions.

First, is it proper to wear my wedding dress at the open house? It is a very simple, tea-length dress and my family and friends really want me to, but my husband and his mother think it is inappropriate.

Second, how do we handle invitations? Do we need to send out a wedding announcement, and then an invitation to the open house, or can we just use the invitation?

Finally, my husband's aunt and my aunt have both expressed their desire to have post-wedding showers for me. I am somewhat uncomfortable with the idea, but I know that they really want to. What should I do?

Confused

Dear Confused,

First off, congratulations are in order. Your holiday seasons will now have an extra frisson of delight from now on.

Now, to your questions. It is perfectly appropriate to wear your wedding dress to your open house. The question you need to answer is whether or not you want to wear your dress, without having to balance the desires of everyone else. It is really not uncommon at all for brides who elope to wear their wedding dresses at post-elopement receptions, so doing this wouldn't be particularly daring or even unusual.

Wedding announcements are sent to people who did not attend the wedding. If your open house guest list and the list of people to whom you would send announcements are different, you should send out two different mailings: an announcement (which is something that is generally mailed immediately or relatively soon after the wedding) and an invitation (which you'll send closer to the date of the party). One easy approach would be to send announcements to everyone and then wait to send invitations in the Spring, but don't send invitations in January for a party in May. Four months is much too much time between invitation and event.

Post-wedding showers are something of a drag. The traditional point of bridal showers is to prepare the bride for her married life, so it is awkward in a definition-of-the-event sense to have the shower after the fact. In addition, and this has been discussed here before, you're on delicate ground. Because showers demand that guests bring presents for the bride, no one who is invited to the shower should be excluded from the wedding. Exceptions to this policy are made for work showers and for people who elope and have receptions after the fact

Since you are having a post-wedding reception in the open house, you have a bit of a decision to make. Is this event going to be enough like a reception that people don't feel put upon or taken advantage of, or will it be something so casual that they may still feel uncomfortable about being invited to a party where presents are required? If you decide to have a shower, and really this is your decision to make based on your sense of the events and your guest lists, be sure that all of you shower guests are also on the open house/reception guest list.

So there it is. I'm sorry that post-elopement protocol is as complicated as regular wedding policies.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:41 AM    <link>

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY DATE?

Dear Elise,

I am hoping you will have a suggestion for me. My fiance and I have been engaged for four months, and we are planning a wedding for next December. I am a graduate student and only have this time of year off from class and other obligations.

My fiance has a cousin with whom he is very close, and I have shared some of my wedding plans with the cousin's girlfriend. The cousin and his girlfriend just got engaged, and are planning their wedding for next December as well, 2 weeks before ours. They were previously planning a summer wedding.

After all our discussions about wedding plans, the cousin's fiancee claims she didn't know what we were doing. I feel she should have taken this into consideration so that the family wouldn't have to travel to 2 different weddings during the busy holiday season. Should I approach her about her choice of wedding dates, or just drop it and hope people can attend our wedding 2 weeks after hers? I feel like people will think our wedding is a burden to attend, rather than a joyous occasion.

Thank you,

Miffed

Dear Miffed,

It is far from unreasonable that you would be put out by this couple's decision to schedule their wedding so close to yours, but you will, I'm afraid, just have to put it out of your mind.

You have picked your wedding date for reasons specific to your circumstances and there is a good chance that your fiance's cousin and his girlfriend wound up doing the same thing. It is unfortunate that the two events are just weeks apart, but there is nothing you can do. You get one day for your wedding and beyond that, they are free to pick any other date on the calendar.

Now, you may want to make some prophylactic gestures to ensure that your guests are not only prepared to handle two wedding invitations in a crowded month, but can also think about their holiday plans.

As long as you know who will be on your guest list, you can send out Save the Date information quite a number of months in advance. It can only help everyone to know the score anyway and perhaps this will help you feel you have staked a claim on your wedding date.

It is too bad you're feeling so trapped in all of this, but your best bet is to go along with your original plans and try not to let this damage what sounds like a good relationship.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:23 AM    <link>

WHEN A BRIDESMAID MAKES YOU CRAZY

Dear Elise,

I recently got engaged, and knew fairly quickly whom I wanted in my wedding party. I asked my oldest and most friend to be my Maid of Honor. My bridesmaids are my sisters and another friend. This last friend is making everyone’s life a nightmare. She actually suggested that I fire my sisters as bridesmaids because they won’t do things that she would want to do, (things that I also don’t want). She’s challenged me on several issues concerning the dresses, and a host of other, smaller things. She’s even threatened to back out on one occasion unless I agreed to arrange something the way she wanted it.

I do actually like this person, and don’t want to lose her friendship, but it’s becoming everyone against her, and I feel it would be best for all concerned if she were to leave the wedding party. How does one do this? It’s gotten to be pretty difficult!

Signed,

Frustrated!!

P.S. I know this is an extreme measure, but she’s trying to take over the wedding and one of my sisters is afraid that if she talks to me, that she’ll start on my friend and cause even more trouble, so I haven’t heard from her in a week!

Dear Frustrated,

What is it that you're asking about doing? You have a number of choices at hand but you have to understand the consequences.

You can ask your friend to step down if you like. Doing so is, as you say, extreme, and will probably signal the end of your friendship. If you want to fire her, arrange to meet with your friend and just tell her that you don't think this situation is working out, and that you would be much more comfortable if she would be an honored guest at your wedding, rather than a member of the wedding party. She will surely be angry and hurt and will very possibly terminate your friendship.

Do you want that? If you don't, you'll have to find other ways to negotiate, which is always a good first step anyway.

Instead of fending off one of her schemes after another, talk to her and tell her what is going on. Do not write this in an email. Do not send her a card. Meet with her. Tell her that you are happy with your decisions for your wedding and pleased that people are going along with them and that's all there is to it. Make that the bottom line. If she suggests something you don't like, just say: "I'd rather do it my way," and end the discussion. Be clean and consistent and soon you'll wear her down and she'll stop making ridiculous suggestions.

Why is she so frightening to everyone? Does she have something on your friends and sisters that makes them tremble? Unless she is actually blackmailing them or threatening their first born, there is nothing stopping them from thanking her for her suggestions but insisting that they'll do things their way. If they ARE terrified or feel you have not been clear about your wishes, you should step in and say that you are the final word on everything and that if you aren't available, your maid of honor gets to decide. Again, that should be the bottom line and something you tell her without waffling or qualifying.

Who knows what's going on with your friend? She may just have lost her mind with enthusiasm or she may be trying to get "fired" from being a bridesmaid. There's no telling. All you can do is confront her gently, be clear about your choices and refuse to be intimidated.

Good luck, stand firm.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:08 AM    <link>

ONLY RELATED CHILDREN

Dear Elise,

We're trying to figure out a kid policy. Our wedding will be in the afternoon and the reception will be dinner, followed by a dance that will go well into the midnight hour, at a local restaurant. Is it OK to have a kid policy where the only kids invited are in the family?

Many of my friends have toddlers, and there is no place at the reception site to put the kids down to sleep, and hiring a sitter is out of the question due to budget. We don't want to exclude our cousins and nephew, though, who range in age from 2 years to 17 years. Is an acceptable cutoff to only allow kids who are relatives? Or will people have the sense to not bring toddlers to a late-night party with alcohol and dancing?

How do we indicate that on the invitation? My other idea is to tell people their kids are welcome, but the nature of the reception is a late night dance with booze, and for them to decide what kind of night they want to have, and then decide what to do with their kids accordingly. We don't want the place clearing out at 8pm because all the toddlers have bedtime, so I feel like we should set some sort of policy on kids

Help!

- Not a kid-hater

Dear Not a Kid-Hater,

What you propose is far from unusual, and inviting only the children of relatives is a perfectly reasonably way to limit children at a wedding. What would be unreasonable is if you tried to handpick which children you wanted to invite and tried to exclude some relatives' kids while embracing a handful of friends' children. You can see how that would encourage strife.

You do have an advantage in that you are having an evening reception and people will be disinclined to take their kids to an event they'd just have to bolt out of the second bedtime or an exhaustion tantrum threatened to set in. Do not, however, count on peoples' common sense ruling the day. Practicality does not tend to rule the day in situations such as yours, so if you really don't want the toddler crowd, do not invite it.

The standard way to handle invitations that don't include children is not to include them on the invitation. Simply write only the names of people you want to attend on your envelopes (and do not write "and family" unless you mean it).

Depending on your friends, you may want to explain yourselves further. To do this you would either need to include a little handwritten note with the invitation, apologizing for not being able to accommodate unrelated kids at the reception, or break the news to your friends over the phone.

As long as you draw firm, clear lines about your kid policies, people can't really object. They can grumble privately at having to find a babysitter or rejoice in a night out without them, but you'll be in fine shape.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:29 AM    <link>

WILL ELOPING FIX EVERYTHING?

Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a wedding for this summer. In all our years together, we have never fought as much as we have since the planning began.

What are your pros and cons for eloping? We can hardly handle the stress anymore. If we do run off, or have a private, "immediate family only" ceremony, how do we have a relaxed party for others? Do we register for gifts from people not invited to the ceremony? I hear different ideas about this, and I don't want people feeling like they weren't important enough to come to the wedding, it's just that we want a small ceremony.

Thanks a million

Confused and Stressssssssssed!

Dear C&S,

There are plenty of pros and cons when it comes to eloping, and they are all things that you need to figure out for yourselves.

Some questions to ask yourselves are:
What are we fighting about that eloping will resolve?
Will our families care if we elope?
Do we care if our families care?
Will we have a post-elopement reception?
Will the post-elopement reception bring on the same issues that the wedding planning did?

Certainly there are more issues to explore, but those seem to be the big ones your letter seems to raise.

Figure out not just what you're fighting about, but why you're arguing. Are these questions going to be solved by eloping and ditching the larger affair or will they still linger, especially if you have a reception anyway?

Then take your families into consideration, or at least figure out how much or how little you want to deal with their whims?

Remember, even if you don't elope you can still have a low-key wedding, it isn't an all-or-nothing situation.

As far as registries go, people who elope can register for wedding presents. It is especially important for them not to force their desires on their friends and family, so they should really only let the details about where they have registered travel by word of mouth. Some people will be moved to give presents, others won't.

So take some time to think about what you really want and what will relieve your stress best.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:10 AM    <link>

CHANGE DATE?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I originally planned to get married Fall 2006, but his father's death caused us to push our plans forward, first to the spring of 2007, and then into the summer. We booked and paid for the church, reception hall, and caterer.

Unfortunately, right after we finalized everything, my future brother-in-law chose a date two weeks after ours. The date he chose is the day his dad passed. He and his fiancee have nothing planned but they want to marry on that date. Most of their family is coming from out of state and they are freaking out because they can't travel here twice in the same month. Because my fiance is the second oldest, and his soon-to-be-wed brother is the oldest, we were asked to change our date.

People also want us to honor the request to honor their father. I don't think this is fair to ask of us. Am I wrong?

Thanks,

Ms. Maybe Selfish

Dear Maybe Selfish,

This is a strange situation, and one that will really require some hard discussions to sort out.

From an etiquette perspective, neither you and your fiance, nor your future brother-in-law and fiancee should dictate what date anyone chooses for a wedding. You each can commandeer one day for your weddings and beyond that, everything else is open.

Now, who is telling you that you should change your wedding date because it honors the memory of your fiance's father? If this comes only from your fiance's brother, it should be obvious why he's choosing that phrasing. On the other hand, if your fiance tends to agree, then you have something else to consider.

There is no reason why the younger brother can't get married two weeks before his older sibling and since you arranged everything and have already put deposits down, you are ahead of the game, and it is easy to understand that you don't necessarily have enough money to lose or compromise your deposits.

But these are all practical concerns. It is important for you and your fiance to also think about some impractical, unfair things. Will a large percentage of his family not be able to attend your wedding? How problematic is this for him? To a certain extent, if the question comes down to its being more important to have some family members present for your nuptials than the actual date of your anniversary, there's your decision.

You don't have to do anything you really don't want to do, and you're certainly being bullied, which is obnoxious, but if in all of this you realize that changing your plans will permit people you really want to have at your nuptials be there, then perhaps you can change your date for your reasons, not for anything that anyone tells you to do.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:10 AM    <link>

REHEARSAL DINNER GUEST LIST OVERLOAD

Dear Elise,

We are in the process of planning the rehearsal dinner. The bride-to-be gave us a list of guests she would like invited to include her sister-in-law's parents. Neither of them is in the wedding party and we're not sure if it is proper to invite them. They live locally so they are not out-of-towners.

Also, is it proper to invite the jr. groomsmen's parents and siblings too? It seems like the list just keeps getting longer and longer.

Sincerely,

The Groom's Tired Parents

Dear Groom's Tired Parents,

Rehearsal guest lists are notoriously tiring. You aren't alone. They're exhausting because there are no strict protocols. This is actually a good thing, since no one wants to be bullied by ancient regulations (and you'll note that there are few rules for wedding invitations as well). But it is confusing.

So, here you are. One standard set-up for rehearsal dinners is to invite immediate family of the bride and groom and the wedding party and their spouses or partners. Another configuration is to invite immediate family, the wedding party group and people who have traveled in from out of town. There is also the extremely inclusive rehearsal dinner that invites a lot of additional relatives and friends. The only thing one must always do is be consistent: if you invite one aunt, for instance, all aunts and uncles should get the same invitation.

In your case, the parents of the bride's sister-in-law are not really immediate family and since they have not traveled for the wedding really only "need" to be invited as a courtesy to the bride. Keep in mind, though, that if there are other parents-in-law floating around, and you do invite them, they too would need to be invited so as not to play favorites. Saying you need to limit invitations in this area could help you out. Junior members of the wedding party are by definition underage and their parents should be invited as well. When it comes to siblings in this area, you're in a weird spot. It is uncomfortable to exclude the children from a whole event because they're not in the wedding party. If they are young enough, their parents may be more comfortable getting a babysitter for the evening, but if they're close in age, it will be uncomfortable to, say, include the eleven-year-old and his parents but force his twelve-year-old sister to stay home.

Really, your choices can be quite clear. The parents of an in-law seem like an easy exclusion, but as for the parents and siblings of a wedding party member- consider what makes sense and what is the kindest, easiest option. What would make you most comfortable if you were on the other side of things?

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:48 AM    <link>

ENGAGEMENT PARTY INVITATION LANGUAGE

Dear Elise,

My brother is getting married this year. His fiancee's parents are throwing an engagement party for about 40 family and friends to get to know one another.

I am very crafty and have all the materials to make the engagement invitations. The bride wrote out what she wants it to say. She has her parents request the pleasure of your company to the engagement of Bride to Groom and the date and time. Isn't it proper to have my parents' names under my brother's so that our guest will know who the party is for? I don't want to approach her until I'm sure.

Sister With a Problem

Dear Sister,

Surely the bride has also indicated in her requested text WHERE the party is scheduled to take place, as well. That is one of those details that is best not forgotten.

But as for the rest, your brother's future bride has chosen some very formal language for her engagement party invitations, but not including your parents' names is not a slight in any sense.

Since her parents are hosting the party, it is appropriate that their names should appear at the top of the invitation. Following the formal construction she's chosen, your brother's full name (first and last) should appear on the invitation, so that the people on his side of the guest list will know whose engagement is being celebrated (especially if, say, they don't know your brother's fiancee's name and they know a number of people with his first name). Your parents should be invited to the party, of course, but they don't need to be mentioned on the invitation. This would be the case for both sets of parents if a friend were throwing the party.

Engagement party invitations are often completely informal and don't use the format your brother's fiancee has offered, and it is even acceptable to use "fill-in-the-blank" cards, though in this case it is always a good idea no matter what to include the full names of both bride and groom to prevent prospective guests from getting confused.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:42 PM    <link>

WRITING VS. PRINTING

Dear Elise,

Is it inappropriate to use printed address labels when sending out wedding announcements?

Preparing to Mail

Dear Preparing,

Strictly speaking, all wedding correspondence should have hand written names and addresses on envelopes. It is one of those old-fashioned stylistic courtesies that persists in spite of technology.

Wedding announcements generally get the same treatment as wedding invitations, so to fully embrace traditional etiquette, you would have to write your addresses on the announcements, too.

Now, do people send out announcements with printed labels? It happens all the time and surely doesn't incur resentment. The printed labels look less formal and have a less personal, more "mass-mailing" feel to them. They aren't offensive, but they are a bit different.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:38 AM    <link>

THE DELICATE ART OF THANKS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married soon. We've been together for seven years and are having a no-fuss civil ceremony and dinner afterwards with immediate family. We haven't registered for gifts, although some people have kindly given us some (we were half expecting this). However, some distant family members (who will not be at the wedding/dinner) have given us substantial, and unexpected, cash gifts.

I'm slightly unprepared for this situation, since I'm generally uncomfortable with receiving cash (although in our current circumstances it is appreciated.) Is there a particular way of phrasing the thank you cards that is appropriate for this situation?

Thank you!

Embarrassed by Riches

Dear Embarrassed,

Receiving cash presents is uncomfortable-making, I know, but there are easy ways for you to approach your thank you notes.

Traditional policy is for you to avoid referring to the money in direct terms ("Thanks for the dough," for instance is a little crass sounding). One method people use to talk about these presents is to discuss what the money will go towards doing. For example:

"Thank you so much for your generous gift. We're using it for a down payment on our house."
Or
"Thank you for your wonderful present. It has been earmarked for a new disposal unit."

This allows you to be gracious and grateful while letting your relatives know that their present is really participating in an integral part of your life.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:53 AM    <link>

WHEN TO PARTY?

Dear Elise,

My son just got engaged for Christmas but the wedding will either take place in 2008 or 2009. When do I throw an engagement party?

Happy Mother

Dear Happy Mother,

There are no rules about when engagement parties should be thrown relative to the wedding date, so the territory is pretty much wide open.

Keep a couple of things in mind as you start planning. The further apart the engagement party and wedding are, the more flexibility you will have about the guest list, since if the wedding has not even been planned, the bride and groom can't possibly know how many and which people hey can invite. On the other hand, to have an engagement party years in advance may feel a little strange to you and confusing to your guests. Inevitably, they will keep asking why a date hasn't been set or what the hold-up is all about and create furrowed brows where once they were clear.

Clearly, you have a long timeline in which to schedule things so don't worry about planning something immediately. Pick a date that seems reasonable in relation to the wedding (neither too far out nor too close- ideally you'd have the engagement party well before any showers or other events) and have a fantastic time.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:50 AM    <link>

DID HE DO IT?

Dear Elise,

I'm in a rough spot. My brother has been seeing the same girl for a few years. She's older, with a ton of married friends, and they've been living together. A year ago, they went on vacation and when they came back my brother mentioned one of the places they visited was a "great place to get married."

This surprised me. The way he said it put me on edge, and I was never really able to recover from it. I had this crazy feeling that maybe he really did get married in secret, and a lot my "feelings" later turn out to be correct.

Recently, someone they know decided to get married overseas and not invite family. My brother asked me how I would react if HE were to get married without inviting me. I told him flat out that I would kill him, and briefly described the pain he would suffer.

Is there any way to ask if he got married behind our (the family's) backs without it being too awkward? I used to be very close to him, but now I don't know what boundaries there are between us.

Feeling betrayed,

Brokenhearted Sister

Dear Brokenhearted,

Well, you've set yourself up in a tricky place. You want to be close to your brother; you want him to be open and comfortable with you. At the same time, you have threatened him with bodily harm if he makes a decision that is really his and his girlfriend's to make. If your brother did get elope, how could he possibly feel comfortable talking to you about it?

You understandably want the truth and don't want something so enormous as a marriage looming as this enormous secret between you, so to close the gap you'll have to do a bit of work.

First, figure out how you would handle it if you were to discover that your brother did elope. How would you get over his not telling you and make his marriage a fact of life? How could you talk about your hurt feelings with him in a way that is non-threatening and would lead to some sort of acceptance and resolution instead of greater distance? Could you find a way to discuss his choice with him and give him an opportunity to really talk to you about his life? Then apologize. You don't have to regret your feelings, but exhibiting such territorial aggression about your brother and his life will not bring him closer to you, so let him know that you're sorry to have shut him down and tell him that you'll try to support anything he has to tell you.

There are lots of reasons people elope and rarely do they involve one's sister's feelings, so try not to take his decision (if indeed he made it) personally.

The key is to remember that your brother's wedding is much less important than you relationship with him. A wedding lasts a few hours, tops, but your sibling will be around much, much longer. If you have to forgo one experience, it's pretty easy to see that seeing your brother get married isn't as important as continuing to be close to him.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:03 AM    <link>

VERY RELUCTANT BRIDESMAID

Hey Elise,

So, I agreed to be a part of my father's wedding. To say that we are estranged is putting it lightly. I have no desire to spend an afternoon with him, let alone join in the wedding organization "fun." My step-mother-to-be asked me over the phone to be in the wedding party, and I felt obligated to say yes. So my question is, if I could turn back time, how would I kindly say "no thanks?"

I realize it's too late to back out at this point and an ugly overpriced dress awaits my future. But, if I had some time-warping super power, what could I say on the phone to a woman I barely have spoken to, but don't really dislike, when she asks me to be in the wedding?

Thanks!
Uninterested Step Daughter

Dear USD,

Ugh, what a drag to find oneself in this position. It would be next to impossible to gently back out now, but taking part in the wedding will surely earn you your wings, and you should happily indulge in all kinds of vices following your tenure as a bridesmaid.

If there were a time travel device that people could avail themselves of for a nominal fee, however, you could have thrown out a standard line. This sort of thing is much more easily delivered and received when one is a friend of the bride (or groom), not a daughter, but you could say, for instance:

"I'm honored, but I really don't feel comfortable being part of the wedding. I think it would be much better for me to be a guest."

If your father's fiancee knows about your estrangement you could absolutely have used this line and perhaps elaborated a little by explaining the distance in your relationship. She may not know how deep you and he are alienated from each other and gently enlightening her could have been interpreted as a gesture of courtesy on your part.

There is nothing wrong with being honest when you're being kind. Your future step-mother-in-law sounds as if she's a pretty nice sort, if she wants to include you in the wedding party, so perhaps all will not be entirely onerous.

I'm sorry you have to face this, but treat yourself on the day: an extra drink, several pieces of cake, chocolate plunge... you'll be entitled.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:19 AM    <link>

WHO GOES FIRST?

Hello,

My fiancee's brother got engaged a week before we did. What is proper etiquette regarding who gets married first? We had booked a hall for a 2007 date prior we officially got engaged (no one knew about it), and they are talking about a wedding in 2008. Are we obligated to move our date to AFTER theirs since we were engaged after they were? Thanks for your help,

Confused

Dear Confused,

Unless you are from a family or a culture where it is explicitly stated and understood that siblings must get married according to the order in which they became engaged, you are not breaking any rules. It is also not the case that siblings must be married in age order, with the eldest going first.

What you may want to do, however, just to keep everyone's fathers unruffled, is tell your families about your plans. You didn't do anything weird by booking a space before you broke the news of your engagement. You were doing what was convenient, and if you are really talking about there being an interval of a full year between your weddings, postponing would be more than a courtesy. It might be incredibly inconvenient for you, and it is not necessary. There is no race to get to the altar first and the weddings are currently so widely spaced that you don't have to worry about anyone's toes getting stepped on or the threat that one nuptial or the other will steal anyone's thunder.

So, let everyone know what you're planning, but take comfort in knowing that you aren't doing anything wrong by proceeding with your original schemes.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:21 AM    <link>

First off, Happy New Year and all the best wishes that go along with a fresh year, clean slate and all of that...

And now back to it:


POST-ELOPEMENT SHOWER UNWISE

Dear Elise,

My sister and her fiance have decided to elope next weekend. Between them they have four children so eloping rather than having a large wedding makes sense.

As the sister of the bride I want to do something special for her. Would it violate every rule of etiquette to have a bridal shower for my sister when she returns from her elopement? I am trying to think of a way that she can enjoy some of the joy of having a wedding even though she is not having one. Unfortunately I did not have enough notice to pull a pre-wedding shower together. Any suggestions?

Loyal Sister

Dear Loyal,

Your desire to do something for your sister is laudable, but a post-elopement shower is not the route to take.

Showers produce delicate feelings because they require their guests to bring presents for the bride. If the guests aren't invited to the wedding, then they can feel used, as if they were only invited so that they can have the privilege of giving gifts.

You can throw any other sort of party, of course. Just avoid the word "shower" and all of the implications that go with it, so you can avoid making your guests feel as if they're being used in any way. So, if you hosted a small reception or cocktail party, lunch, brunch or after-midnight beer and cake scenario, you wouldn't have anything to worry about.

The key if to strip your party of any obligations, or presumed obligations, and just go for an entertaining, celebratory and no-strings event.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:31 AM    <link>

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