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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

READY TO CALL

Dear Elise

My daughter's fiance felt that he wasn't ready to get married and they've called the wedding off, or at least postponed it. Now they are back to "dating". My husband and I have not heard from our daughter's boyfriend. She tells us that they spend a lot of time together, but are also doing their own things, and she believes they will eventually get married.

Should I call him to see what is going on or should he have called us to explain his position and what happened? I feel we are owed an explanation. Since they are still together, I need to know where we stand in terms of whether or not we can considering him part of the family and invite him to family events, etc.

Edgy Mother

Dear Edgy,

What do you hope to learn from talking to your daughter's boyfriend? Is there anything he can tell you that would be more satisfactory than what your daughter has already said: that he wasn't ready to get married and that they're working on their relationship with an eye to getting married in the future? What would calling this guy do for you, exactly?

While I'm asking questions, why do you want your daughter's boyfriend to call you exactly? Do you want him to apologize for inconveniencing you? Do you want him to tell you what you already know? How does your daughter feel? Does she feel this is a necessary conversation or is she happy being the information conduit?

There is no particular protocol for this situation. In many ways your daughter's relationship is much better off if you let her make the choices and decide how much information you and your husband should get and whether she would like you to invite her boyfriend to family events. Getting deeply involved will only be an inconvenience for you, since you have already probably formed something of a negative opinion of this fellow (which is understandable- he came close to rejecting your daughter), and if they stay together you will have to do a lot of work to get over these feelings.

Allow your daughter her privacy and if you want to know the answer to some practical question involving her boyfriend, let her guide you and tell you if she wants to deal with having him at family events. Your curiosity is reasonable, but no amount of interrogation will really help your daughter's relationship with her boyfriend. At worst it could just make everyone angry at you for meddling. You know everything you need to know. Be happy. It should be a relief to know that your daughter's boyfriend is someone who recognizes when he needs time and help and that they didn't try to get married without addressing their problems.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:35 AM    <link>

SHOWER OR NO SHOWER?

Dear Elise,

My younger sister is my maid of honor and recently we talked about her responsibilities for the wedding. I am torn about the idea of whether to suggest a wedding shower. (She and my mother don't know anything about wedding planning, and really want me to tell them what I want to do). I like the idea of a special, non-intoxicated party with female friends and family but am concerned about the gift-grabbing aspect of it. Are wedding showers seen as totally normal? Are guests automatically expected to bring a gift? Can you have a wedding shower and call it something else like a "fancy tea party" and relieve the gift obligation? Also- should my future mother in law be invited?

Sincerely,

Do I Want a Shower?

Dear Do I Want,

Your questions cut straight to the heart of the matter. Wedding showers are not unusual, but they're also far from necessary. You can have one if you want one, but if you don't, or if there is a party you'd rather have instead, you shouldn't feel weird for forgoing it.

Showers are defined by present giving. It is understood that all guests are required to bring gifts, though you can manipulate the nature of these presents somewhat. There is, for instance, a version of the party called a "recipe shower" where guests are encouraged to bring a copy of a treasured recipe to pass on to the bride, and you can arrange for people to only bring recipes in lieu of presents.

If the whole present problem is making you feel creeped-out, you can throw an all-girls party that isn't a shower. Have a tea or a dinner or lunch or brunch, and have a wonderful time.

So think hard about what you want and how much you want to ask of your mother and sister and then be direct with them about what you want. You can go in either direction, so it's really up to you to decide what to do and communicate your wishes.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:33 AM    <link>

I'M A BRIDE, NOT A TRAVEL AGENT

Dear Elise,

I live and will be getting married in New Orleans. We didn't realize that our wedding date overlaps with French Quarter Festival weekend. As a result, the hotels close to our house and wedding venue are all either pricey, fully booked, or unwilling to set up discounts or blocks of rooms. I have tried every small B&B, boutique hotel, and franchise hotel in the area, and there is just not going to be a wedding group rate discount anywhere.

I have posted this information on my wedding website (and spread the word via relatives) with a polite explanation, and tried to give it an upbeat spin: that the guests will get to experience a beautiful festival while in town. I have listed hotels that are close to us, and suggested that people perhaps look up timeshares or condos to rent for the weekend if there are two or three couples/families that want to go in on such a venture, which may be cheaper overall.

Guests have been grumbling, and looking to me to solve this problem. I have answered them as best as I can but the complaints and haven't stopped.

How much of this is my responsibility? I am a bit surprised by the expectation that I am to make travel arrangements for all of my guests.

Any advice you can give as to how to provide information for my guests, without having to resort to booking their rooms for them, would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Frazzled Bride

Dear Frazzled,

Reserving blocks of hotel rooms and making travel arrangements is a courtesy that wedding couples often offer their guests. It is a courtesy, not a requirement. You are under no obligation to unearth hotels with perfect rates and create perfectly transparent travel schedules for everyone.

From an etiquette perspective, you've done a perfectly good job. You have found an assortment of hotels, reported on prices, suggested ways people could economize, and have been more than diligent.

If you still feel that you want to do a little more, you could contact a travel agent, explain your situation and see if he or she would be willing to work with your guests, perhaps booking rooms further away from your wedding and arranging for a bus to drop them off at your wedding. This is truly going the extra mile but it is something you could try if you're still feeling itchy. Another easier option is to list, on your website, various local publications or tourist resources that could help your guests.

The difficulty is, of course, that people traveling to a strange area can often feel a bit lost and they are really asking for guidance. Offering a range of resources will give you a platform from which they can launch their plans.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:35 AM    <link>

BRIDESMAID WANTS TO BAIL

Hi!

I am getting married this summer, as is a good friend who is also my bridesmaid. (Her wedding is later in the summer.)

I will be a bridesmaid in her wedding too. She asked me long after I asked her to be in my wedding. Now that the dates are approaching, I am getting overwhelmed about paying for my wedding and honeymoon, and then having to fly out to her. I'm also going to need some downtime this summer. I think she might feel the same way about coming to my wedding. Is there any graceful way to get out of this situation?

Thanks!

Bride and Bridesmaid

Dear B&B,

What you propose is tricky and there is no guarantee that there won't be fallout. If it really extends you too much financially to be in your friend's wedding, then you should tell your friend exactly that: you are strapped and simply can't afford to travel. That is the approach you can take that will be least problematic for your friend to deal with, but even so, she may feel a bit abandoned.

Whatever you do, don't list a lot of reasons for backing out of being a bridesmaid or a guest, if you do decide you have to. Don't tell her you need to save money and have a vacation and don't want to fly too many times in one summer, etc. Consider how you would feel if your bridesmaids quit for reasons that had to do with convenience rather than a concrete, serious, issue.

If you do back out, tell your friend as soon as possible. Be direct (though specifics are certainly not necessary) about your financial limitations. If she feels the same way, perhaps she will volunteer to sit out your wedding as well. There is always a chance she could be terribly hurt by your decision, but you will have done everything possible to avoid putting her in a painful spot.

Congratulstions,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:21 AM    <link>

BACHELORETTE GUEST LISTS
Double Header

Hello,

I am having a small wedding and only inviting my longtime friends and family. Can I invite some of my new co-workers to my bachelorette party if they are not invited to the wedding?

- Wondering

Dear Elise,

I am planning my hen party. I am not having bridesmaids but don't want to miss out on a fun night.

I hope to have a fun, alcohol-free night with the girls- watching movies, eating pizza and so on, like we used to do when we were all teenagers.

Can I invite people who won't be invited to the wedding? Our wedding will be small (only family and very close, old friends). I have some friends who I won't be inviting to the wedding, but I would love to have them over to a hen party and would miss them if they weren't there.

Also, do I have to invite my fiance's sister? He'd like me too, but I really don't think I'd feel comfortable with her there. I barely know her and I expect she would want to drink alcohol, which I'm not keen on. She wouldn't know any of my friends and I don't think that many of them would be likely to get on with her - she's quite loud and a little overpowering. I want a relaxing fun night with my friends, and I don't think I'd get that so much if she was there.

I'd be grateful if you could help me out on these.

- Ms Hen

Dear Wondering and Ms. Hen,

Both of you wonder if you can invite people to a bachelorette (or hen) party who aren't invited to your wedding. There is some flexibility here, which you don't have with something like a bridal shower, in that this is just a party and is free of all present-giving obligations. On the other hand, you do have to imagine how your prospective guests would feel being invited to one and not the other.

If you are indeed having small weddings, it will be much easier for you to say: "The wedding is really intimate and tiny, so I couldn't invite everyone I would have loved to have seen, but I would be thrilled if you could come to my hen party." The larger your wedding is, or if you find you are inclined to invite people from the same social circle to the bachelorette party and only a select few to the wedding, you'll find it stickier going. People will wonder why their friends got an invitation to the main event while they were only worthy of the preview.

You know your friends and your circumstances, so see what feels comfortable to you and try to imagine how your friends would feel. One way or the other, you should certainly acknowledge the fact that you won't be inviting them to the wedding. Otherwise you risk much greater discomfort.

Finally, Ms. Hen, about your future sister-in-law, there are no real policies, but if you are interested in the future of your relationship with your fiance's sister, you should invite her. Omitting her might be seen as a substantial rejection- not just by your fiance's sister but by his parents as well. This is not to say that you are under the gun to include her, but I have to ask why you wouldn't, since your fiance seems to think it is important. Surely your friends would be able to include her in conversation and not ostracize her for not knowing anyone well, and all you have to do about the alcohol question is tell her that your party is dry and let her deal with that fact. Unless you have a substantial reason for not inviting her, this seems like an easy way to include a member of your new family and make a significant gesture that includes her.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:08 AM    <link>

HOW TO AFFORD DINNER

Dear Elise,

Please help! After being engaged for over a year, and being as broke now as we were when we first got engaged, we're having trouble figuring out our wedding. We're both ready to get married now, but can't figure out how to include everyone on a non-existent budget.

With family and friends (mostly close family) our guest list would be about 150 people. We don't want to elope. We've toyed with the idea of going to Vegas, and inviting everyone. But I feel we need a plan for some sort of post-ceremony gathering, since most people will travel a few hours minimum to join us.

We're thinking of meeting up at a buffet or restaurant, but how do we let everyone know that it's a "fend for yourself" get together? We can't afford to feed all those people! But I don't want to be rude, since they came all that way for us. Ugh, I get stressed just thinking about it!
What do I do?? Thanks so much!

Broke Bride Wanting to Please Everyone!

Dear Broke Bride,

The bottom line is that it is really unfair to invite people to a wedding (or wedding reception) and ask that they pay for it. Plenty of schemes have been planned but they always wind up alienating people. It just rubs people the wrong way.

Of course, you don't need to have a full-scale reception at all. You could invite people for a dessert party or cocktails, an afternoon tea-type reception or stage something between mealtimes so that you won't have to prepare much. There are many possibilities, all of which are legitimate, as long as you indicate on the invitation what people can expect "dessert reception" or "cocktail reception"(for instance) are very easy concepts to convey.

The key is to be absolutely gracious in terms of hosting, which in no way means you have to go in to debt or spend money you don't particularly have. People will be making the trip to your wedding to see you get married, not for the sake of one meal or another, so don't be concerned about making sure the trip is worth their while, the ceremony alone should take care of the pretext problem. All you really need to be aware of is not creating a situation where people are forced to pay their own way at your wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:22 AM    <link>

STANDING POLICIES

Dear Elise,

My daughter is getting married and she will have two matrons of honor: her sister and her best friend. Who should stand closest to the bride?

Interested Mom

Dear Interested,

Traditionally, the bride's closest relative (in this case her sister) would stand nearest to the bride during the ceremony. Since the bride, traditionally, stands on the groom's right side, the maid or matron of honor is poised on the bride's right (unless the bride's father is part of the ceremony, in which case she would be beside him). If there is one maid of honor and one matron of honor, duties like holding the bouquet or being in charge of the groom's ring (if one is being used) are allotted to the maid of honor, so in the interests of simplicity, this set-up should be considered flexible and dependent on practical considerations.

It is really up to the bride how she would like to place her wedding party. Mucking with conventions does not hurt the order of the universe.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:05 AM    <link>

DON'T WANT TO CRASH

Dear Elise:

My boyfriend and I have had an on again /off again relationship. He has 3 children. His eldest son is getting married soon, and my boyfriend was invited of course, but I was not. This was the only one of my boyfriend's kids who has been somewhat kind to me (this is hard because my boyfriend's ex-wife, the mother of these children is present at every family gathering).

My boyfriend told me that our breakup last year was because his children didn't want him to be with me, but he realized that he made a mistake. He loves his kids, but doesn't want to let them control his life.

My boyfriend wants me to go to his son's wedding. His ex-wife will be there. I told my boyfriend that it would be inappropriate to show up uninvited. It is his son’s wedding and his son is the only one that can make that decision. My boyfriend says the children have to get accustomed to the fact that he is going to marry me. He is tired of being put in a situation where they only invite him and not me. I refuse to go, out of respect and I don’t want to be where I am not wanted. Do you agree that not going is best, or should I go with my boyfriend as he has suggested?

- CONFUSED!!!!


Dear Confused,

Indeed, this is a lousy situation to be in, but you are absolutely right in your instincts. Your boyfriend may be feeling assertive but it isn't right to enact his new policies on the occasion of his son's wedding. You don't want to intrude and feel unwelcome or put anyone on the spot, and there will be plenty of future occasions where your boyfriend can insist that his children make gestures towards accepting you.

Now, as things progress and as your relationship stabilizes, and certainly after you get married (which you've indicated is in the plans) your boyfriend will be well within his rights to insist that you be included and can always refuse to attend events himself if you are not made welcome. At this point, such a gesture would be counterproductive. If your boyfriend likes, he could certainly tell his son that in the future he expects you to be accorded the respect of a family member.

So, sit sight and have a peaceful day to yourself when your boyfriend's son gets married. You are right not to force yourself into a wedding, since doing so will not win people to your side and you won't enjoy yourself either.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 3:51 AM    <link>

SAYING "NO" TO MOTHER

Elise,

My mother is getting remarried, and her fiance has asked my brother to be the best man. He accepted. My mother asked me to be her matron of honor and quite honestly I do not want to do it. I told her how I feel and she said that she doesn't accept my decision and is proceeding as if I took the role. I am happy to help her with what I can, but the stress of being her matron of honor is more than I can handle at this moment for many reasons (work is a big one).

I do not know why this is what she wants, I think it is because she feels she has no one else to ask and can use it to make me serve her. Most of the guests are coming from out of town. I know she will have me coordinating all of that and the transportation and picking people up from the airport. Plus my husband is going be her photographer. I am not sure how to have her understand that I just cannot handle doing it without her being mad. It is literally making me sick.

Just because I am her daughter does this mean I have to suffer the abuse of being her matron of honor now too?

Angry & Upset

Dear A&U,

You always have choices. You can't be forced to be your mother's matron of honor, short of having a gun put to your head, so you can of course say "I'm sorry, but I really want to be a guest and help out where I can" over and over and over again until your mother either comes around or gets married, in which case the point will be moot.

Another option is to also agree to be your mother's matron of honor under certain conditions. You could tell her that you will absolutely not do airport duty or plan guest accommodations; that you will not become her "girl Friday"; that you only have time to do the minimum and most crucial job that a matron of honor has to do which is stand up with the bride. Everything else is extra. If she complains, tell her she can find someone else. If she calls you incessantly, turn off your phone. She can try to bully you but you are in charge of refusing to be pushed around.

Of course this isn't the beginning and end of it. But you do have two distinct and reasonable options both of which require that you stand up for yourself. You can absolutely loving and respectful of your mother while protecting your boundaries.

Cheers and good luck,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:12 AM    <link>

CAN'T HANDLE EXTRAS

Dear Elise

I am having my son's birthday party in a few weeks. We can only invite about 8 or 9 kids because we are on a tight budget, and can't afford for the kids we invited to bring their brothers and sisters.

Is there a way I can tell the parents this politely, or should I just put that in the invitation? We have always allowed them to bring siblings in the past, but this year we are doing a bigger party and can't afford the extra cost per child and goody bag. Thank you!

Broke and confused

Dear B&C,

While you don't need to invite siblings to a birthday party, it is harsh to include that detail on the invitation itself. It just feels awkward to have this very welcoming message with a big prohibition slapped at the bottom.

Given that you're inviting a relatively small group of kids, it shouldn't be that difficult to speak to each parent individually and say that you won't be able to accommodate siblings this year.

Of course, an alternative could be to permit siblings but forgo the goody bag. Many parents find the whole goody bag phenomenon incredibly annoying anyway, so there is that money saving option at your disposal as well.

Still, all you have to do is explain your position personally (NOT as an invitation coda) and you will be in good shape.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:09 AM    <link>

NO EXPLANATIONS NECESSARY

Dear Elise,

This is a kind of stupid question, but I never thought I'd get married so I suppose I never had to ask before. If I marry my boyfriend, and keep my name, am I automatically a Ms.? And is it obnoxious or understandable (if your answer to the first question is yes) to correct people that will call me Mrs. Husband's-last-name without even thinking first? How is a polite way to do so? And how would I do this when talking to his parents about the lack of a name change? They are really opposed to the idea.

Name Debate

Dear Name Debate,

The questions you ask cut to the heart of what you intend to call yourself. How could they possibly be stupid?

The enormous advantage of "Ms." is that one can use it if one does not know the marital state of the woman one is addressing. It is appropriate for married and single women and, indeed, you would become a "Ms." after marriage.

As for how to handle people not knowing that you've kept one's name, you're is always entitled to say something like: "Actually, I've kept my name, so I so by Mary Wells." Chances are, people aren't trying to offend you by assuming you changed your name, and in exchange you shouldn't think they will take offence when you correct them. It's an honest mistake. Now, there are people who will repeatedly make the same "mistake" and "forget" that you kept your name. This is annoying but you don't have to take the bait. Just keep gently correcting them and you can always say that when you get phone calls for Mrs. YourHusband'sLastName, you just assume they're telemarketers and are inclined to say: "There's no one here by that name."

Clearly, your final question is the most sensitive, and actually has no answer. All you really have to tell your future in-laws is that you're keeping your name. The more you try to justify or explain your choice, the more they will be inclined to argue with you or try to get you to see how your reasons are silly. Be gentle and pleasant about it, but it is unlikely they will come around to your line of thinking or you to theirs with conversation alone. It's your decision, and you're entitled to it, and it is far from unusual, so there is really no need to be defensive. There are all sorts of reasons for keeping your name: professional, practical, nostalgic, even political. What matters most is not your reason but that it is your decision.

If your in-laws truly refuse to accept your choice, you may have to explain to them how important it is that they understand you've kept your name. Alternatively, you can just assume they have some sort of disorder that makes them incapable of remembering your name, ignore their problem and find it privately amusing.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:28 AM    <link>

OVERBOOKED GROOMSMAN

Dear Elise,

One of our groomsmen agreed to be in our wedding over a year ago, but just found out that his dad is getting remarried on the same day as our wedding! He thinks he can attend his father's wedding, which starts two hours before ours and still make it to our wedding on time. I sincerely doubt this.

He has expressed a strong desire to be in our wedding, and he wants to use it as an excuse to bow out early from being around his new step-mom's family. How can we ask him to just come as a guest that won't hurt his feelings? He's a dear friend of my fiance, and I appreciate that he wants to participate, but I really feel that he should be with his family.

Please advise,

Groomsman Troubles

Dear Groomsman Troubles,

In order to figure out how to handle this situation, ask your fiance what he would like best. Is he happiest with having his friend retain the "groomsman" title while perhaps not being able to be present at the moment of the wedding? Is there something specific you need all of the groomsmen to do that would fall apart with this fellow's divided attention?

If nothing actually depends on this guy, if you don't mind him retaining his title (and seat at the reception if you're having assigned seating), you may as well let your wedding play out without making changes. On the other hand, if there is some active part of the wedding that you need him to do ahead of time, when he'll be at his father's wedding, you may have to explain to him what he won't be able to do and change your plans (even if you don't ask him to relinquish his title).

Now, you may feel he needs to be with his family, but surely he knows best what makes him happy and comfortable. Perhaps he really does need the excuse that gets him away from unwelcome encounters with his father's new family. Maybe the whole business makes him unhappy and uncomfortable and he wants some solace and fun at your wedding.

Asking someone to step down from being in a wedding party is always uncomfortable and can feel like a punishment. Unless there is something truly pressing, is there any reason why you can't allow his participation to be a little more flexible, given his divided attentions? Demoting him, especially when he is clearly counting on your wedding, is only likely to hurt his feelings.

See if you can't come around to a little bit of vagueness. Once you and your fiance figure out how not to count on his presence early in your festivities, you'll be happy to have an honored friend at your wedding, no matter what time he gets there.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:15 AM    <link>

POSTHUMOUS HOSTING

Dear Elise,

What is the proper etiquette for relaying on a bridal shower invitation that the bride's deceased mother is giving the shower?

Thank you,

Organizing

Dear Organizing,

When you say the bride's deceased mother is "giving" the shower, do you really mean to suggest she is actually hosting or that the event is being hosted in her honor? It would look peculiar for an invitation to actually come "from" someone who is no longer among the living.

There are a few solutions you can consider to this question. Keep in mind that wedding shower invitations are usually issued on fill-in-the-blank informal cards, so there isn't always a need to be so formal.

If you would like to indicate that the shower is in honor of the bride's mother or being given by someone according to her wishes, there are a couple of routes you could take. In the case of formal wedding invitations, one would include the deceased's name by writing: "BRIDE'S NAME, daughter of DECEASED'S NAME."

But you are clearly having invitations printed up, so the best bet would be to write something like:

HOST'S NAME
In honor of BRIDE'S MOTHER'S NAME
Requests the pleasure of your company
At a bridal shower for
BRIDE'S NAME
DATE
TIME
PLACE
R.S.V.P.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:32 AM    <link>

UNDELIVERED INVITATION

Dear Elise,

I am getting married very soon, and someone informed me that one of the guests I invited did not receive our wedding invitations. What is the proper way to let that person know that I did send them an invitation and that they were invited and not a last minute thought.

Please advise.

Thanks

Foiled By the Post Office

Dear Foiled,

Oh, yes! By all means you must tell these people immediately about the mail snafu. In this case, the best thing for you to do is address the problem head on. Pick up the telephone and call your friends. Tell them that you heard that they had not received your invitation, that you absolutely want them to come, that you're so sorry they didn't get it in a timely way and that you hope they can still come to your wedding.

You don't have to turn yourselves inside out apologizing, but a quick acknowledgment of their possible confused feelings should remedy the situation.

Good luck and here's hoping your friends can make it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:29 AM    <link>

SHOWER TERRITORIALITY

Elise,

I am expecting my first baby and my sister is throwing me a baby shower. My sister-in-law is also throwing a shower for me for some of my in-laws' family and friends. Before my wedding I ran into this same problem with my bridal showers and it has come up again.

I want my sister to invite my mother-in-law, my 3 sister-in-laws, and my husband's aunt who is his godmother. My sister doesn't understand why they have to be invited to her shower if they are throwing me one themselves. My husband's family included my sister and my mother in their shower plans for my wedding as well as the upcoming baby shower. I feel that they will be hurt if they are not included in hers. This has become a touchy issue between us.

Please Help

Dear Please Help,

Your sister is being unreasonable. This shower is a party in your honor and you're entitled to have something to say about the guest list, especially if you really sense that feelings would be hurt if your husband's relatives were excluded. Does your sister have a good reason for not wanting to invite this group- one that is more substantial than the fact that they are throwing a second shower themselves? Did they ever offend her or do anything to alienate her? Is she concerned that people might be invited to two showers?

It seems that your sister is just being oddly competitive. Have you gone to her and told her what you have written here- that she has been included in their festivities and you can't risk being put in an uncomfortable position with your husband's family? Make her understand on the one hand how grateful you are for her interest and support in this life-changing moment, but tell her you need her help to keep the peace with both sides of your family and that you really won't be comfortable with the threat of offending them.

At bottom, this should not be an earth-shaking hurdle. Your sister really needs to understand that this is not an occasion where one gets to design one's ideal party. It is a guest list full of obligations. If she wants her dream party, she should schedule one on her own because any kind of shower comes with a lot of baggage and if she doesn't help you out with it, you're going to risk getting stuck with some unhappy in-laws.

She should do you a bigger favor than throwing you a shower. She should help make you comfortable and happy.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:06 AM    <link>

PLANNING AROUND FAMILY

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I have been living together for 5 years and we have 2 children. We are planning on paying for most of our wedding ourselves and we are on a small budget.

My husband-to-be has a very rich "Brentwood" Aunt, who offered over a year ago to host our wedding in her home. This is of course a huge money saver, and her house really fits our taste. I get along well with his aunt, but my fiance's grandmother and mother are a different story.

My fiance's aunt is very busy and hasn't had time to talk about our wedding, which we hope to have in about seven months. I feel we need to start planning right away, but in order to do that I need her on board as it will be in her home. Is she just not taking this seriously because it is a low budget event? Should I just find another place to have our wedding I know it might hurt her feelings?

Another problem I have been having is with my fiance's grandmother. We have always been at odds, because she tries to boss me around. I know she wants to be involved and I definitely do not want to exclude her, but she just cannot take no for an answer and everything has to be her way or she throws tantrums.

Advice Appreciated

Dear Advice Appreciated,

In both cases, what you need to do is be extremely clear about what you need and what you want. This will keep everyone's expectations reasonably in control and give everyone that all-important sense of being included.

As for your fiance's aunt, draw up a list of things you feel you need to plan and decide on. Then, when she is in town, invite her to lunch or coffee and show her what you are thinking about. Tell her you don't want to inconvenience her but that you have started trying to sort things out and that, given your budget, you need to make your decisions sooner than later. She isn't rejecting you, nor is she disinterested. I suspect she simply doesn't know what you are thinking about and what kinds of choices you need to make. If you include her by talking about a specific set of concerns, you have a much better chance of getting a good response than if you flutter at her generally about needing to plan.

The grandmother is someone you need to approach with a whip and a chair, clearly. That's fair, many people work best under highly controlled circumstances. Come up with a list of things she can be in charge of: what the cake looks like, what the children will wear, what sort of bouquets your wedding party will carry. . . anything you know needs planning that you don't care deeply about. Give her those jobs and listen to her when she wants to talk to you about them. Beyond that, and this is absolutely key, VOLUNTEER NOTHING. Do not tell her that you can't decide whether to wear a strapless dress or one with cap-sleeves. Don't mention that you're writing your own vows, don't talk about the chair question. Be utterly silent about your plans. If she asks, say that things are going swimmingly. Be nice and gracious and grateful for the help she does give.

In both cases, information control is crucial.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:56 AM    <link>

THE MR. AND MRS. QUESTION REDUX

Dear Elise,

My husband-to-be and I dislike the tradition of sending invitations to "Mr. and Mrs. first name of husband last name of husband." My mother insists that we do it this way, because any other way is not "proper." I believe the practice is demeaning and sexist. How else could we
address married couples that would not be too cumbersome?

Thanks

Addressing Issue

Dear AI,

Many people feel as you do about the whole question of addressing couples (not just on wedding invitations, but generally). At the same time, many people will agree with your mother. No one is "right" or "wrong" in this really. The only real violation would be deliberately calling someone by the wrong name out of stubbornness. (For instance, refusing to accept the fact that someone is keeping her- or his- last name after marriage.)

So, you have two issues. The first is that you don't need to be consistent about how you address all of the envelopes. If you know that some people really do prefer the old-fashioned construction, you aren't demeaning them by using it. You are making them happy. On the other hand, if you know others would prefer to have both names on the invitation, you can only please them by respecting that choice. It will take a little bit more thought, but you can absolutely do your addresses on a case-by-case basis.

Some alternative constructions that include both first names of married couples with a shared last name are:

George and Martha Washington
Mr. and Mrs. George and Martha Washington
Mr. and Mrs. Washington

One style doesn't fit for everyone, so you may as well respect people who feel as you do, and those who side more with your mother.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:47 AM    <link>

EVENT COLLISION: BIG BIRTHDAY & REHEARSAL

Dear Elise,

I'm a bridesmaid for one of my friends who is getting married the day after my dad's 60th Birthday. It's in our hometown, where she still lives but I do not.

The rehearsal dinner is on my father's birthday. Since I don't live in town, it would mean a lot to my father if I saw him on his birthday. Would it be bad etiquette to go to the rehearsal but not the rehearsal dinner? Should I just stay briefly and take my leave? I wish I could predict her reaction but weddings do weird things to people and want to know beforehand if I'm being unreasonable.

Thanks,

Don't want to hurt anyone's feelings

Dear Feelings,

You are correct that weddings do make people a bit odd, but one thing they shouldn't do is make people forget that other people have lives that need attention.

So, speak to your friend and tell her about your father's birthday. Assure her that you will be present for the rehearsal so you can be completely prepared for her wedding, and know what it expected of you, but say that you really want to be with your father on this big birthday. The key will be to reassure your friend that you won't do anything that will make her worry about how smoothly her wedding will go, while being open about your need to take care of your family.

Talk to your friend soon about your plans, so she can have a chance to plan accordingly, but this should not be an enormous problem for her. It is an unfortunate collision of happy events, but nothing that can't be sorted out.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:49 AM    <link>

FEW KIDS AT VINEYARD

Dear Elise,

Our wedding is at a winery and we are only planning to invite kids who are in our immediate close family (some of whom are in the wedding party). HOWEVER, probably about 70% of our guests will be traveling for our wedding.

We have not sent out the invitations, but have sent out save the date cards, and did not address them to include children. We already know of one couple who is planning on bringing their child along for the trip because they are taking this opportunity to take a family vacation. They have not stated whether they are planning on bringing their child to the wedding.

How do I politely let people know, that their children can't come to the wedding, without sounding completely hypocritical, since there will be some children there? Should we offer to try to find a babysitter? Should we be responsible for the cost of the sitter?

I think only a handful of people will be in this situation, but I don't want to make exceptions because I think that will just add stress for us later on. And since our guest list is already limited, we personally would rather invite more of our adult family and friends instead of children.

Thanks so much in advance for your advice.

No Kids Please

Dear NKP,

No no, you don't want to make exceptions for any kids if you're setting strict limits. Making exceptions will get you in more trouble than saying "no" to the bulk of your friends will. It is absolutely reasonable to invite no children at all, to only invite the kids who are in the wedding or to exclude all children except those of close relatives but you MUST be absolutely firm about your limits. It is too easy to hurt peoples' feelings if you make exceptions.

What should you do in a situation where people are likely to travel with their children but you don't want to invite them? First, you should warn your friends ahead of time. It is entirely fair to speak with your friends or include a little hand written note in the invitation, saying that you can't accommodate any children who are not part of the wedding party (or immediate family, whichever phrasing is appropriate for your situation).

If you offer to actually supply a babysitter for the ceremony and reception, you would be suggesting that you are handling the childcare costs. On the other hand, if you provide a list of resources your friends could use to seek out babysitters on their own, you are leaving it up to the parents to do some research and make their decisions about finding babysitting.

Having said that, if you are really expecting a lot of people to be traveling with their children, it would be extremely gracious and helpful of you to provide them with a list of sitters or babysitting resources, so they can be better equipped to figure out what their options are.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:16 AM    <link>

CASH QUESTIONS
FRIDAY DOUBLE HEADER

Hi Elise,

My step mother-in-law told me that guests usually leave more money in the envelope if they know that it is open bar as they won't be spending anything at the reception. Is there a "right" way to include this on a wedding invitation?

Also, my fiance and I will have a private ceremony at City Hall and will be inviting guests to a reception 2 days later. How would you word an invitation to invite guests to a reception only?

Thank you,

Wondering

Good Morning Elise,

My fiance and I have been living together for quite a bit, and we do not need to receive any appliances as gifts.

It is customary for his family to give monetary gifts (he's Italian) but we are a bit worried about how to make it clear to our friends that we do not want to end up with a bread maker. My cousin has used the term "nuptial basket" in his invitation. Is this proper? Is there any other way to make this clear?

Thanks,

Only Need Cash

Dear Open Bar and Only Need,

There is no way you can politely ask for money on an invitation. There is no phrasing or set of euphemisms (such as the terms "nuptial basket" or "wishing well") you can trot out that can get around the fact that it is unpleasant to receive a wedding invitation that comes with a cash request- regardless of family traditions.

Invitations really should not come with cash imperatives unless they are connected to charity benefits, which weddings are not. Even cash bars are problematic because they put a financial obligation onto one's guests.

So what can you do? If you really want your friends and family to know that you only want cash, you will have to tell them and let this information spread through word of mouth. This is really the only way to let any kind of gift information (whether it be registry information or monetary requests) spread. Anything else feels too mercenary- as if you're making an explicit requirement that people should pay to attend your wedding.

This sort of negotiation is hardly convenient, I know, but perhaps there is a reason for the complications. Asking for cash is a difficult and delicate matter and the more one is forced to be careful about one's requests, the less likely one is to cause hard feelings.

As for an invitation to a reception only, that question has a standard answer and the most traditional format looks like this:

HOST'S NAMES
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception
for their daughter (unless the hosts are not the bride's parents)
BRIDE'S NAME
and
MR. GROOM'S NAME
Date
Time
Place
R.S.V.P.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:55 AM    <link>

AFRAID OF THE INVITATION?

Dear Elise,

A friend of mine was married last fall. I received an invitation to the wedding, but my fiance did not (the bride and groom know him and knew we were engaged). I was miffed and ended up sending my regrets and a lovely gift. We saw the couple a week before their wedding, and the groom asked me why we were not coming. I didn't want to embarrass him, so I said I had committed to a family engagement before I received the invitation.

Two months later, I left him a message asking for their new address to send their invitation to our wedding. He did not call back, so I tried again. When he answered, he clearly didn't know their address and had to go check. I wrote it down carefully and read it back to him. Yet, today I received their invitation returned in the mail for insufficient information.

What is proper? Should I take the hint and not try to invite them? Should I call him a third time? I hate to feel that I'm chasing after unwilling guests. But if it was just a mistake, I can still rectify it.

Many, many thanks,

Guest Weirdness

Dear GW,

Your friend is being exceptionally strange. If he doesn't want to go to your wedding, being creepy and giving you a fake address is just idiotic. The way not to attend a wedding is to do what you did: politely send your regrets. Good grief. This should be obvious.

Of course, your friend may genuinely be dopey and some people may find it truly endearing that he can live someplace for a couple of months and still have no idea what his address is. You may as well give him the benefit of the doubt and see if you can force him to send his and his wife's acceptances or regrets like normal people.

You can certainly call your friend again or you can call information (411) and ask for their address. If their phone number is listed, there is a good chance their address will be listed as well. Don't think of this as having to swallow your pride. Instead, try to imagine that you're dealing with a small child. Tell your friend that the invitation was returned and that you'd like to resend it. If he gives you another bum address or if he's just too weird on the phone, tell him that an invitation is not the same thing as being served with a summons and that he can always decline.

Good luck and keep in mind that this is your friend's problem, not yours.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:01 AM    <link>

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