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Saturday, March 31, 2007

THE PROSPECT OF ENDLESS SHOWERS

Dear Elise,

I recently received an invitation to my husband's cousin's wedding shower. I barely know this woman and my husband has about 50 cousins, many of whom will probably get married within the next five years.

We are just starting out as a couple and are students, and I feel that we simply cannot afford to purchase gifts for all of his cousins' showers and weddings. What are my options in this situation? I do not want to appear cheap by bringing a small gift, but I also don't want to offend my husband's aunts, who are throwing the shower, by not attending.

Thanks!

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

Well, you do of course have the option of not attending. This works best if you have a real, legitimate excuse.

But really, do you want to make a five-year-plan out of figuring out how to dodge wedding shower invitations? This is a tricky prospect and one your husband's family might find rather odd (though it might not, I couldn't say from where I sit). It is common knowledge that you and your husband are students. There is nothing offensive or problematic about giving a present that is within your means.

While showers do require that you bring presents, there is no policy, no rule, no maxim of etiquette that says you have to bankrupt yourself. So if you do find you can go, and since it is your husband's family you and he might want to discuss the politics of attending, bring something that you can afford. A small thoughtful present is more than respectable. Very few hosts would be happy to hear that their guests were scared to attend showers or parties because the gift-question was too intimidating.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:52 AM    <link>

PLANNING ON THE Q.T.

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I have discussed getting married during the summer of 2008. I don't plan on being formally engaged, but we have mentioned these plans to a few friends and family members, and I know his family is anxiously waiting for some kind of announcement. My boyfriend and I both hate the idea of long engagements and I'd like to put off any kind of formal announcement as long as possible in order to keep the traditional "wedding mania" to a minimum.

However, this is a popular time to get married and venues can book up really fast, and I don't want to be too stressed out trying to plan everything at the last minute. Would it be totally unheard of to book a location sometime in the next few months and not tell anyone until Thanksgiving or Christmas or even later?

Thank You,

Sneakily Trying to Strike a Balance

Dear Strike a Balance,

What you propose is hardly criminal or even really problematic. The only possible obstacle you could find in your plan is if you reserve a location and then discover after you "come out" with your engagement that you need a much larger space, or a different one. As you make your plans, try to factor in a bit of flexibility. This will prevent you from wanting to strangle someone who, new to your wedding, tries to meddle in something you've been quietly planning for months.

So, proceed with an eye to being flexible. You can keep your engagement secret as long as you like, but when you do speak out about it, try not to make it seem as if the news is as old as it is. People will like to think they were in on the news early.

A quiet congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:47 AM    <link>

WHAT IS IT?

Dear Elise,

My husband and I got married on the beach (just the two of us) about a year ago. We just purchased our home and would like to have a reception/housewarming party. How do we phrase the invitation? Do we call it a wedding reception or a housewarming? We plan to have food and perhaps a blessing of the house.

Party Time

Dear Party Time,

What you call your party depends entirely on what sort of party you want this to be. Is this primarily a housewarming event or do you want to throw a post-wedding reception? Both choices are completely legitimate.

If your emphasis is on your new home, perhaps you want this to be more of a housewarming event. The language for this sort of party invitation tends to be informal, along the lines of: "Please join us at our housewarming to celebrate and bless our new home." On the other hand, if you'd rather highlight your wedding, you can use the traditional invitation language as a model: "YOUR NAMES request the pleasure of your company at a reception celebrating our marriage," and play with it as you see fit.

You can't go wrong, really.

Congratulations on both fronts,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:13 AM    <link>

DECLINING THE HONOR

Dear Elise,

An old friend from high school with whom I haven't kept in touch just wrote me an email asking me to be in her bridal party. Can I say no?

I do feel bad about it, but we have only spoken a few times since high school graduation. We don't even know each other's phone numbers, and she had to ask a mutual friend for my email address. I also do not have the extra cash to pay for the wedding expenses. How do I say "no" without sounding rude?

Don't Want the Honor

Dear Don't Want,

An invitation to be a member of the wedding is never an offer you can't refuse. You only have to be kind and timely about turning down the job.

Write back, or better yet, call your friend if you can procure her telephone number and explain that you won't be available to be her bridesmaid but that you're honored that she would invite you. Then you can catch up a little bit and you can feel confident that you're on the side of the angels. What you shouldn't do is just call and leave your "Sorry, can't do it" message on her answering machine. This might be rather delicate for her, in spite of your feelings about the distance in your friendship, so be warm and gentle while firmly declaring that you can't take the job.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:05 AM    <link>

"NO GIFTS" & THE MOTHER

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I wanted to have a very low-key wedding. At first it was going to be just us, but then my parents invited themselves along because it is very important to them. That was all fine until my mom and dad decided that they would throw a big reception. I asked for a BBQ/Potluck and she decided to rent out a country club! This is exactly what we didn't want to happen.

So aside from feeling like my low-stress wedding got hijacked, the big problem I'm facing is that my fiance and I do not want to receive gifts and my mom thinks it would be incredibly rude to print any variation of "No Gifts, Please" on the invitation. She even told me that she thought it would be rude if I did not register anywhere. I asked if we could ask for gifts made to a charity instead, but she thinks that any mention of gifts at all is rude. I am considering registering for basic housewares and then donating them!

Is there anything I can do about this?

Thanks!

Foiled Bride

Dear Foiled,

Why don't you split the difference on this problem and tell your mother that you'll give up on your campaign to have "no gifts please" on the invitations if she will get off your back about registering?

It isn't exactly rude to inscribe a "no presents" request on an invitation, but it is uncomfortable-making and it is certainly a violation of traditional etiquette policies to include any directives about presents at all on invitations. Your guests will find the command confusing (there have been episodes of situation comedies about this) or uncomfortable-making (many people really feel rude and bad for not offering a wedding present). Some people won't feel like giving you anything anyway, since this is, after all, a post-wedding reception and plenty of folks only feel inclined to give anything if they've been at the actual ceremony and reception.

So really, this is a small point of concession. You aren't actively demanding anything from anyone, especially if you don't register.

Your mother, by the way, is mistaken about the rudeness of not registering. It is beyond acceptable to skip the registry entirely. And, by the way, registries are not traditional at all- they are a contemporary convention that was utterly frowned upon when it began but eventually became accepted. If anyone asks you where you've registered, you can sincerely say that you haven't picked out what you want because you really don't want anything at all.

This is not a battle about presents, at bottom. Clearly you and your mother are fighting for control over your wedding. Try to regroup and think of other ways you can salvage the informal quality that you want in your wedding celebrations. Maybe your parents could be persuaded to have a barbecue at the country club. Talk to your mother about this and drop the fight about wedding gifts. There's no reason to involve your guests in this struggle.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:48 AM    <link>

ONE KID ONLY

Hi There,

We’re hoping to have a ceremony and reception with no children. Almost. My fiance is from Spain, and the wedding will be in the US . His immediate family (mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, and 6 year-old niece) will be coming. We’d like to include my fiance's niece in the wedding as a flower-girl. I don’t want those who came sans-children to be upset or hurt by the presence of a child, but she seems to fall into the “special exception” category. I’m half joking, but can we just put “Spanish speaking children only?” on the invitation?

Thanks!


Tiptoeing

Dear Tiptoeing,

If you write "Spanish-speaking children only" on your invitation, you are guaranteed of a crowd of tots capable of pronouncing "hola!" or "buenos noches!" and not much else. You don't have to invite any children and you can still include your fiance's niece.

In fact, your fiance's niece falls under one of the most easily invoked child-limitation policies, which is that immediate family members' kids can be invited while all others can be excluded. This is particularly the case if the underage relative is a member of the wedding party.

So don't worry, don't be defensive and don't write anything cute that might encourage people in exactly the wrong way on your invitations. You are on solid ground if you exclude all children but this one.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:33 AM    <link>

INVITE ISSUES

Dear Elise,

I received a wedding invitation. It was addressed to me only and not my fiance. This person knew I was engaged and living with my fiance. Does this mean that he is not invited? I know etiquette rules would say that he isn't, but I thought that things were different in you were engaged. They also included a note about gifts in their invite, so maybe they are not following strict etiquette?

Thanks for the help,
Confused

Dear Confused,

Your friend either does not know, does not understand or does not care about some basic bits of politeness. It is unpleasant not to invite one's guests to come with their fiances (or fiancees).

People in committed relationships (be they married, domestic partners or engaged) are accorded the courtesy of being invited with their partners. Since your partner was not invited to this wedding, you have a few choices. You could attend the wedding alone. You could call your friend and ask if your fiance could attend with you. It's perfectly reasonable to ask since you are engaged and traditionally your fiance would be invited. Finally, you could opt not to attend this wedding at all.

Clearly your friends haven't given much thought to the feelings of their potential guests (they don't invite your fiance and they are very open about demanding specific presents), so you are in a position to look out for yourself. Don't have your fiance crash the wedding, but do what you need to do.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:49 AM    <link>

NOT MY TASTE

Dear Elise,

I recently accepted my boyfriend's proposal and we're beginning to think about engagement and wedding rings. After a dizzying trip to Tiffany & Company last week I realized I'd be happier with some alternative to the currently standard diamond solitaire and band. But I'm not much of a jewelry person and haven't thought about the ring issue until recently.

Do you have any thoughts on where to begin? And are more brides to be looking for alternatives?

Tiffany (NOT)

Dear Tiffany (NOT),

Well, I could begin anywhere. You certainly don't need to shop at Tiffany & Company if it doesn't do it for you. You don't need to have a diamond ring if that doesn't appeal. You could get just about any other stone set in your engagement ring (though emeralds, opals and pearls are apparently somewhat precarious for daily wear because they absorb water which can make them fragile and crack). You don't even need a ring at all if you don't like wearing jewelry.

There. Now I've left you even more at loose ends than you were before. If you are looking for a symbol of your engagement, the territory is wide open. What do you want to do? Do you want to exchange sporting goods, camping equipment or first editions of your favorite novels? Would you like a necklace instead of a ring? Perhaps you and your boyfriend have always wanted to adopt a pet.

You see what I'm getting at. The engagement ring or engagement present should be meaningful to you. Tradition doesn't matter in this case, and the tradition in question is a relatively young one at that. Diamond rings have only been the norm since DeBeers launched a wildly successful advertising campaign in the first half of the 20t h century. So, see how that sits with you.

Really, you can do what you want. You don't have to answer to anyone in this. It is your engagement. How you choose to celebrate it with your fiance is up to you. If anyone prods, reply what you are thrilled that you and your boyfriend understand each other so well and that you weren't interested in wearing jewelry you don't want to accommodate a tradition that doesn't apply to you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:41 AM    <link>

DEMOTING A MATRON OF HONOR

Dear Elise,

I am stressed about how I handled a delicate situation with two of my bridesmaids. When I first got engaged, I asked my best friend from childhood, "J", to be my matron of honor. When we were girls we used to talk about being in each other's weddings. I wasn't thinking about what asking this meant other than to express my love and fulfilling my obligation to her.

Later, when I dove into wedding planning I realized there is no way that "J" will be able to take on all of the maid of honor duties. She lives far away, has money and health problems, kids, is hard to get in touch with and isn't very reliable. Another friend, "A", is a bridesmaid who lives closer to me, is reliable, independent, and doesn't work full time. She is my best friend in my adult life.

I decided about a month ago to ask "A" to be maid of honor instead of "J". She was already helping me with things and I had barely spoken with "J". It didn't seem fair for "A" to be doing all the work and "J" get the title for it. I told "J" how I felt and the conversation was weird. She said she understood, but I heard her disappointment and resentment.

Ever since, I've been feeling guilty about the whole thing and I'm afraid she won't come. I thought about making one my maid of honor and the other my matron of honor. My fiance thinks this is a bad idea though and that it'll make her feel jerked around and turn me into a doormat.

Did I handle this all wrong? What can I do to fix things? I'm afraid of the tension this will create.

-Worried

Dear Worried,

Well, you did handle things quite poorly. Did you really think that demoting your childhood friend would be something she would respond well to, or at least not find hurtful?

Different people want different things of their honor attendants. Some people only require that their friends show up and support them at the wedding, while others really need their friends to host parties, run errands, dress shop and be invested in a lot of nuptial decisions. There is also a huge middle ground, and any approach is legitimate, but it is really up to the bride to be upfront about what she wants when asking people to be in her wedding party. Her friends aren't psychic (probably), and they should know what is expected of them.

So, now you're in a spot because your friend's feelings are deeply hurt. Your fiance may be right that your friend could feel jerked around, but it isn't weird or really unusual for people to have a maid and a matron of honor in their wedding parties. You can call your friend, apologize for being short sighted and ask if she would accept the title of matron of honor. An apology really is in order since your friend didn't do anything wrong. If you need to placate her more, you could ask her to be the one to sign your marriage license, which is an important symbolic gesture that is meaningful.

If you care about this friendship, you would be wise to take care of it and do what you can to ease tension with a sincere apology and offer to make things right. "J" is an old, old friend, and you don't want your nuptials to be the reason for your relationship to disintegrate. Let "A" know what your plans are, so you don't make a further hash of things, and otherwise be gentle with people's feelings. Your friendships in the long run are much more important than anything that happens on your wedding day.

Good luck.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:48 PM    <link>

REQUESTING MONEY

Hello-

I have searched long and hard for the proper way to state on our invitation that we are not registered and that we would actually prefer money to gifts. I have seen this on invitations before, but if you have any suggestions on the wording that would be great.

Needs Cash

Dear NC.

Sadly, I have no suggestions for you because there is no polite way to ask for money on your wedding invitation. It just can't be done without appearing greedy or as if you're trying to charge admission to your wedding.

This is not to say that your plan is entirely off the mark. If you prefer cash gifts, you are right not to register anywhere. Then you should spread the word that you want money though your friends and relatives. When people ask you what you want, be honest, but don't make any indications on your invitation that you want money, or anything, really, beyond the pleasure of your guests' company. It really comes off as crass otherwise. There is nothing wrong with what you want, as long as you execute the request with some sensitivity.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:20 AM    <link>

WAY TOO EARLY

Dear Elise,

My wedding is on June 23rd. I would like to have my guest responses back by May 1st. (We have another wedding to attend in May, which involves many of the same friends.)

Is it too early to ask for a reply by May 1st? I already made the invitations and response cards and I was worried about having enough time to plan properly. I thought that May 1st would give the slackers time to respond, also I think that an earlier r.s.v.p would help our financial situation (I am paying for the wedding pretty much myself)

Is it just too early? I have been seeing 2-3 weeks as appropriate.

Please help!

Want to Know

Dear Want to Know,

The truth of the matter is that your guests don't need almost eight weeks to get it together to look at a calendar and send back a response card. They can figure out their plans and R.S.V.P. accurately a few weeks before the wedding. You're actually talking about demanding a response from your guests before most people send out their invitations.

The best way to figure out an R.S.V.P.-by date is to talk to your reception venue or caterer to find out when you need to turn in a final head count. Add a week or ten days to that date and you have a perfectly respond-by date. You'll have accurate information and people won't change their minds or discover conflicts weeks after they told you they'd show.

In terms of planning, chances are you won't actually wait to select your venue until you have a final head count. Caterers are also used to dealing with estimated numbers until you close in on the event date.

Really, you have to strip some of your worry away. An early R.S.V.P.-by date won't help you negotiate this other wedding you have to attend in May, nor will it help you plan the larger aspects of your reception. Stick with the shorter before-wedding response window and know that you'll be better off with reliable information than with early answers that are bound to change by the time your wedding actually rolls around.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:33 AM    <link>

I DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM BUT I HAVE TO WORK WITH THEM

Dear Elise,

My daughter is getting married the end of May. Save the Date postcards have been sent, and two of my bosses at work and their spouses received the pre-invitation (along with another friend and guest from my office).

Recently, my bosses made a decision that really upset me. I had a face-lift scheduled and was really looking forward to this in preparation for the wedding, as they both knew (both are women, if that matters). It was a last minute scheduling but I was hoping they would approve. They would not permit me to take the necessary 1-2 weeks off. I am really angry and disappointed about this.

Now I don't want them at the wedding at all. Can I just not send them the invitation? Could I just say that I'm sorry but due to unforeseen circumstances, I cannot invite them?

Angry

Dear Angry,

Your ire is understandable: your plans to do something you want badly to do have been scuttled. In spite of this, is it really worth doing something that will only damage your position at work and make life there really uncomfortable? A save the date card is a tacit invitation, and retracting it would come off as exactly what it is: a sullen gesture because you did not get your way.

Now, it is true that the facelift is important to you, but perhaps the last minute scheduling made it impossible for your office to accommodate your plans. There is always a chance that this sort of thing will happen when one works in a corporate environment. You could of course speak to your doctor and see how much time you would really need to be out of the office and then perhaps re-negotiate with your bosses about a new time frame. If possible you could also offer to make up some of the lost time by working from home.

Fundamentally, you really can't retract the invitations without creating great discomfort. In your case, you risk poisoning your work life for the foreseeable future with this decision. As a practical matter, you won't have to deal with your bosses at the wedding. You will be too busy to actually talk to these people anyway.

See what you can live with. Perhaps your doctor can offer some temporary face-lift alternative that can see you though the wedding and then you can have the work done later, when you can get the time off.

Be temperate and take care of yourself. Surgery is nothing to do in haste anyway.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:31 AM    <link>

CAN'T DO IT

Dear Elise,

My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding about a year ago. It's now March and her wedding is in June. I wanted everyone to be upfront about how much things would cost (knowing that there are always unexpected expenses associated with a wedding), but things have really added up.

Now there's the dress and a weekend (Friday to Sunday) trip to have a shower and bachelorette party. I was told I will also have to help pay for the shower, even though I can't participate in making any decisions.

Since I agreed to be in this wedding, I had a son who is very sick and who will not be invited to the wedding. I'm just not sure I can commit to this wedding financially and physically. Is it enough time to back out? I'll also be having back surgery the week after the wedding.

Thanks,
Needing help!

Dear Needing,

There is enough time for you to back out of your bridesmaid duties, but be gentle in your approach. Your fundamental reason for pulling out of the wedding is very understandable: your son is sick and you need to be with him. Call your friend and explain this. You shouldn't lay the excuses on thick and describe your finances and upcoming surgery. Just say your son is ill and you can't dedicate the time that will go into planning and traveling for this wedding.

Call your friend as soon as you can and speak to her directly about your situation. Don't try to sneak your message in with messages and emails. You don't have to be ashamed of your position, but you do have to be upfront and apologetic. This is the stuff of life and your friend should be able to accept your responsibility to your son.

Speak to your friend as soon as you possibly can and be sure to acknowledge her wedding with a card and a thoughtful present.

Good luck and cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:49 AM    <link>

LESS TALK

Hi, Elise.

We're having a small wedding this summer. I thought that it's rude to discuss my wedding plans without inviting the people I talk to, but I'm an extrovert with lots of friends.

I have a friend I was close to for a couple of years but we've grown apart. Currently we email each other periodically. My wedding came up in our last round of emails.

I would rather not invite her to the wedding. I don't consider her a close friend anymore, even though I have talked to her about various wedding details. She's been supportive. Would it be rude to not invite her now that I've chatted with her about my wedding?

Work is my other dilemma. My general rule is that if I don't spend outside time with coworkers, they are not in my inner circle and therefore don't get an invite. The problem is that I'm really social at work. One person in particular shares an office with me and so she and I talk--a lot. It would have been really odd to talk about everything else in my life so openly and then clam up about the wedding, especially when she asks. I tried to avoid talking about the wedding for a while and I just couldn't do it. It felt rude to dodge the questions out of "if I tell you, I'll have to invite you." Is it rude not to invite her or my other coworkers?

Thanks,

Chatty

Dear Chatty,

This isn't really a question of managing to get married without anyone knowing about your plans. There are all sorts of ways to handle wedding guest lists, but one is not required to invite everyone to whom one mentions ones nuptial plans.

Things would get sticky if you told everyone everything all the time, leaned heavily on coworkers for support and interest, and then only invited a couple of colleagues, making your willing audience feel hurt and left out. This business with your distant friend is similar. You don't speak often and you were only catching up. Don't worry about the invitation but follow the suggested protocol.

The wisest moves are to restrain your wedding chatter somewhat, so that people don't feel invested or led on in any way, and be sure to let people know that your wedding will be small- mostly family, as you say.

These gestures will help you. Make your intentions clear so that no one gets a harsh surprise and then try to curtail the chatter. There is a big difference between letting the curious know that things are going well with respect to your wedding plans and providing every detail and soliciting opinions on every decision.

You haven't done anything wrong, but discretion is a big part of making wedding guest list limits work.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:05 AM    <link>

ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SHOW?

Dear Elise,

Our son received an invitation to his friend's Bat Mitzvah celebration. The envelope was addressed in his name only. The invitation included a card with an invitation to a luncheon reception being held in a hotel. There was also an RSVP card requesting number of persons attending. We weren't sure if we were included in the invitation, since it was addressed just to our son, however he will obviously need transportation to the reception.

Our children have known each other for six years now, and we know them to be a very nice family, but have not socialized with her parents.

We really appreciate your help!

Confused Parents

Dear Confused,

The general policy for invitations of this sort is the one you cited: only the person whose name appears on the envelope should attend. This is almost certainly the policy for this event, as well. But you have a reasonable question that you shouldn't feel bad about asking.

Rather than guess at what this Bat Mitzvah policy is, give this other family a call and ask if this is a drop-off event or not. You aren't here pressuring for an invitation, you really just want to know what plans to make. If it is, indeed a drop-off reception, then you could find out what time to pick your son up.

Your children have been friends for years, surely you and the other set of parents have had similar questions of each other in the past. This may be a more formal event but it doesn't make your question silly.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:51 AM    <link>

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF PRESENTS

Hi there,

I have recently found out that my maid of honor has not been doing the things a maid of honor is supposed to be doing. One of my bridesmaids has taken over my maid of honor's role and has been doing practically everything. I am very disappointed in my maid of honor, however, I do not want this to ruin our long friendship. At this point she does not know that I know what has really been going on. I do not intend to say anything to her because I do not want to cause drama amongst the girls at least until the bachelorette party or even after the wedding is over.

I know that I'm supposed to get the bridesmaids gifts at the dinner rehearsal, and I know that I should get the maid of honor something "special" to express my gratitude, but I don't know how to go about doing it.

Do I only get my maid of honor a "special" gift, OR, do I get my maid of honor AND the bridesmaid who has been the one actually doing all the work a "special" gift as well?

Help

Dear Help,

Why wouldn't you ask your friend, your maid of honor why she isn't participating? Perhaps she could use your support. Maybe your other bridesmaids have ganged up on her. Maybe she has no idea what you want or what you would like to do. There is nothing wrong with gently probing, especially since bridesmaid/maid of honor "duties" are really vague and range from simply showing up for the wedding to hosting multiple parties.

There are a few ways to handle wedding party presents, but one thing you should avoid at all costs is making the awarding of the presents a little passion play about how you know which of your friends was the most loyal and hard working. If you want to give out these gifts publicly, at the rehearsal dinner, then you should give all of your friends something comparable.

Now, if you do want to let your hard-working bridesmaid know how much you appreciate her, you can always give her an extra present privately. You can also give all of your wedding party presents privately, which will enable you to offer them a range of items without public humiliation, and toast them at the rehearsal dinner.

Your instincts are right that it would be unpleasant to do anything that would make your wedding party turn on itself or on you, but you could have a word with your errant maid of honor and see what she's thinking.

Above all, though, handle all of these friend-issues with delicacy and discretion, as you would if you were trying to deal with a friend who is not in your wedding party. Embarrassment only makes people angry, so keep your friendships intact. Look at what happened to King Lear when he made a hash of public gift giving.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:56 AM    <link>

TONGUE-TIED

Dear Elise,

My parents are hosting my wedding and reception at a country club. Instead of a plated or buffet dinner, we will have heavy hors d'oeuvres and cocktails, because I wanted things to feel casual and relaxed. Is there any way to approach the invitations with a more casual description of the ceremony and reception (to let people know that we will be having heavy hors d'oeuvres) without saying, "We're getting hitched?" I would like the invitations to appear casual, but maintain a classy edge at the same time.

Thanks for your help!

Invitation Dilemma

Dear ID,

You are no doubt familiar with the standard "honor of your presence" /"pleasure of your company" wedding ceremony and reception invitation structures. You are not required to stick with the extreme formality, but take a cue from the rigid style to see that there are advantages in simplicity. The information is clear and the important information is obvious.

So, you could play with "Please join us" or "We would be honored if you could attend" versions of invitation language, if you like. The key is to be brief but warm and welcoming.

You are right to want to let people know about the hors d'oeuvres reception, and you would be safe writing something along these lines: "Please join us for cocktails and hors d'oeuvres immediately following the ceremony."

See what feels most comfortable. Remember, you don't have to explain every detail to your guests.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:54 AM    <link>

PARTY STACKING

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have conservative families and a huge group of very non-conservative friends. We can't afford to invite everyone to our wedding and reception.

We have been thinking about having a more traditional, intimate wedding and reception that all our family and close friends would enjoy, followed by a bigger nighttime after-party, inviting everyone from the wedding, plus our extended group of friends and colleagues. Having the 'throw-down' separate from the ceremony/reception would also ease my mind as my father has just resumed drinking after being in recovery for 8 years. He definitely would not choose to attend the after-party.

Would this plan be considered appropriate? Is it polite to invite people to the after party if we aren't inviting them to the small ceremony?

Sincerely,

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Your instinct is not uncommon and the plan isn't a bad one but you will have to be extremely delicate about it. There is something extremely uncomfortable for guests who realize that they didn't make the cut to the earlier reception.

It will help if your ceremony and reception is truly intimate, really just family and a few extremely close friends. The smaller and more isolated you can make that group, the easier it will be to explain and justify the distinction between the crowds. You want to minimize the sense that you have "A" and "B" lists of friends.

You should also work on timing and location. Clearly having all of your second group of people arrive at a reception that is already in full swing is more than a little awkward, so if you are in a position to have your "after party" in a different location and at a later time from your first reception, you're in good shape.

While it is not unusual to have situations in which more guests are invited to the ceremony than the reception, you're getting stuck in the fact that you're planning essentially two receptions. The best bet is to treat these as much like two entirely separate events. This is particularly the case if the bulk of your "after party" guests won't be invited to your wedding ceremony.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:09 AM    <link>

PRESENT OPENING

Dear Elise,

My cousin is hosting her own seventieth birthday party. It will be semi-formal and will be held at a party house. There will be about 65 guests. Is it proper for the "birthday girl" to open gifts and cards in front of all of the guests?

Curious

Dear Curious,

The question is really about how weighing pleasure. Is the pleasure your cousin will get from opening all of her presents worth having her birthday evening grind to a halt (for how long? Hours?) while she unwraps and displays all of her booty? Even if only half of her crowd brings gifts to her party, that is well over 30 presents that people have to summon the interest to "ooh and aah" over and unless they are well lubricated, that can be a grueling, project for a party.

Public present openings are traditionally reserved for much smaller affairs: bridal and baby showers. On those occasions, because the event is really about presents, the crowd is more intimate, meaning the presents are fewer in number and are really specific to the occasion. Truth be told, the present opening can still be a tedious part of the party to sit through no matter what one does.

So while there is no policy of etiquette that strictly refers to your cousin's birthday situation, she should consider what it means to be a hostess, in addition to what it means to be a guest of honor.

I will add here that birthdays thrown for people on the lower end of the age spectrum, the grammar school set, tend to avoid present-openings in order to keep everyone interested and avoid bouts of jealousy, not that your cousin's crowd needs to worry about that.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:12 AM    <link>

PITCHING THE SHOWER, WHO DOES IT?

Dear Elise,

My grandson and his wife are expecting a baby and the daughters in my family seem to think his wife's mother should give her daughter a baby shower. I don't agree and feel that should be up to the sisters, sisters-in-laws, and or friends. I feel expecting her mother to give the baby shower is like asking people to "buy my daughter a gift" which is not acceptable.

Please let me know which direction we should take in this matter.

- Mystified Great-Grandmother-to-Be

Dear M G-G-t-B,

Well, you've put your finger on the subtle and interesting protocol of shower hosting. As a general matter, showers, whether bridal or baby, should be hosted by friends or somewhat detached relatives. Mothers and sisters of the women in question are traditionally discouraged from pitching any party where the whole point of the event is to bring presents to the guest of honor- to avoid coming off as grabby or mercenary.

In the strictest form, mothers and sisters would leave the shower hosting to somewhat distant others: friends, in-laws, aunts, cousins... those sorts of folks.

Now, these classic bits of protocol often get relaxed, especially when it comes to baby showers, but if everyone wants to be on the side of the etiquette angels, someone other than your granddaughter-in-law's mother or sisters should host this event.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:09 AM    <link>

PAYING PROTOCOL

Dear Elise,

My mother-in-law has a new boyfriend. She would like my husband and me to join her and her boyfriend for an introductory dinner at a restaurant. This gentleman is very wealthy, but I don’t think that should ever be a reason to pick up the check.

I don’t want it to be awkward. Basically, who is responsible for the check? My feeling is that, ultimately, we will pay simply because we don’t want him to feel that we will take advantage of his deep pockets.

Thanks.

Usually Better at Knowing This Kind of Stuff

Dear Usually Better,

Your letter raises a classic piece of traditional etiquette from the dust. The standard approach is this: the party making the invitation hosts the event, and pays for it. So in the current equation, your mother-in-law and her boyfriend would treat your husband and you to dinner, unless some other arrangement has been established.

Now, of course, if you feel uncomfortable with this, you can offer to split the bill, or pay for the whole thing or you can do that always-entertaining "wrestling with the bill while protesting" exercise. At bottom, it is always nice to offer to pay as far as you're comfortable, but you don't have to feel responsible to footing the entire bill until you are the ones making the invitation.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 3:34 AM    <link>

DIFFERENCE IN MEANS

Dear Elise,

I am engaged to my long time boyfriend. I am worried about planning the wedding because my family is poor compared to his family. I know that his family would like to have a huge expensive wedding, however, my family cannot afford this extravagance. My fiance's sister was married two years ago and the wedding was over the top (in my opinion). My fiance is Hindu and traditional weddings are much more elaborate than the short Christian weddings I am accustomed to attending. His parents want to invite more than 300 guests, most of whom my future husband has never meet. They claim that not inviting these people would be offensive in their culture. I cannot come to grips with this argument and do not feel it is necessary. Am I in the wrong?

Because my boyfriend has never discussed my families' financial situation with his parents, I fear that they will be resentful when they find out that my family cannot afford to pay for a large ceremony. My fiance assures me that his family will foot the bill, but I am sure that this "charity" will offend my parents' pride. I could probably afford to pay for the wedding myself, but honestly I would rather have a smaller wedding and save my money. How can I approach my fiance and his family with my concerns?

Sincerely,

Poor

Dear Poor,

Weddings are collaborations. Unless you are eloping or truly don't care to listen to anyone's opinions or desires or counsel, you will find yourself compromising and negotiating. There's nothing wrong with this. It is actually rather healthy, since it should teach you how to deal with your family and your future in-laws in stressful circumstances.

Now, there is absolutely no reason why your wedding finances should adhere to the old scheme where the bride's family paid for almost everything, except the rehearsal dinner. Very few nuptials really follow this payment plan these days, and it is much more customary for the parents (both sets) and the bride and groom to all kick in. Your parents should not have to feel that charity is being offered or that their pride is being insulted. Financial contributions are another part of the collaboration.

Have you and your fiance discussed what sort of wedding (Hindu or Christian or neither or both) you will be having? Does he want to please his parents by inviting their crowd? Do you object to the number of people they plan to invite or is your problem more with the financial questions? Once you identify what your particular buttons are, you can begin to negotiate.

First, you can be absolutely honest about how much you and your parents can contribute to your nuptials. Be blunt about how many people you can afford at what level of entertaining. Then you and your fiance can start talking to his parents about their contributions and how much larger the wedding can be.

If it truly makes your future in-laws happy to chip in and invite more people, and this is something they want to spend their money on, will it still bother you so much to have them invite their friends? If it does, then you'll have to talk to them about why you need to have a more intimate wedding and encourage them to have a post-nuptial party for you on their own.

Really, it will be important for everyone to be open about compromise. Once you throw out the traditional wedding spending patterns, the territory is wide open and people can pay for what they want. What you need to do is sort of how you will handle these questions of taste and how you will negotiate to get what you want, while giving in strategically to keep everyone content.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:48 AM    <link>

NAME APPEARANCE

Dear Elise,

On the invitations for a bridal tea, how are the hostesses' names listed? Do you put first and last name (Jane Smith), or do you put married name (Mrs. James Paul Smith)? We are trying to do the proper thing and want everything to be right.

Proper Planning

Dear Proper Planning,

This is an interesting question because invitations to bridal showers and teas and other events are traditionally sent on fill-in cards, because they are less formal parties than, say, the wedding itself.

In truth, this is a case where you want most to make sure that your prospective guests know the host(s) name(s) and the name of the bride. It can be odd to receive an invitation to a party and being confused about who is throwing it or for whom it is being thrown. Clarity is crucial, particularly for bridal showers and teas where the host is usually a friend, who might not be known to all of the bride's scattered circles of friends and family.

So, do you want your guests to now you as "Mrs. James Paul Smith," or are you more comfortable with them knowing your name as "Mrs. Jane Smith"?

It's all a question of how you want your guests to identify you.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:52 AM    <link>

SEALED

Dear Elise

If you want to seal the invites using a wax seal, should you still lick and seal the glue underneath?

Thanks,

Stationery Maven

Dear SM

It really doesn't matter. IF you have little faith in the post office, embrace the "belt and suspenders" approach. Lick and stick the envelopes and seal them with wax.

If you're worried about annoying anyone, keep in mind that the most proper of potential guests will be wielding savage, dagger-like envelope openers that will cut through the protests of both wax seals and glue.

In a rare etiquette moment, you can't go wrong.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:27 AM    <link>

INSTRUCTING GUESTS

Dear Elise,

What is the proper etiquette for a post wedding celebration in the groom's hometown? My husband's parents would like to have a nice party for us during our next visit.

Specifically, we do not feel that guests should bring gifts to a celebration (which will take place about a year after we married) since a majority of the guests were not invited to our wedding. Is it in bad taste to include "no gifts" or like at the bottom of the invitation?

- Wondering

Dear Wondering,

You are under no obligation whatsoever to tell your in-laws' guests anything about presents. All of the guests know that you're already married and know that they weren't invited to your nuptials. As a result, the choice to give gifts, or not, is really up to them.

Adding a note on your invitations will neither help nor hurt your cause. People often find the "no gifts" notations to be disingenuous or confusing, or easily ignorable and will bring presents anyway. Other people will be thrown into a welter of indecision.

Really, the only reason to include a "no gifts" note is if you or your in-laws feel too uncomfortable and guilty about having this party, but in general, this is the kind of thing best left off. If people want to bring presents, they will, and won't want to be chided for doing so, and if they don't, they won't.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:01 AM    <link>

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