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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Monday, April 30, 2007

"LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU"

Dear Elise,

At work I sit near someone who is very nice, but who isn't someone I know too well (she isn't in my department).

She got engaged, and has been quite stressed about her wedding plans. I was very surprised that I received a wedding invitation since one of the things she has been anxious about is the guest list. I feel she is only inviting me because she doesn't want to sit across from me and feel awkward that I wasn't invited.

I do not really want to attend the wedding. I have never met her fiance and don't know any of her friends or relatives. I worry that she is under the impression that I am attending since she keeps saying things like "wait until you see the center pieces".

Unfortunately, I have misplaced her invitation and cannot recall the RVSP deadline or the email address to which I am to respond. I have apologized for this mishap on my part and asked her to please tell me what the email address is. The first time I asked, she just shrugged it off and said "well you'll just have to look harder for it."

I really can't find the invitation and when I asked her again for the email address and the deadline she got snippy and said "I have enough to think about right now and if you can't find the invitation, that's really not my problem."

What can I do about this?

Stressed Co-worker

Dear Stressed,

Your co-worker's behavior is truly odd and really won't do in the long run, since it is rather self-defeating. (She is the one who suffers from withholding the R.S.V.P. details.) I can't imagine what her problem is, since all you really want is for her to give you some information that, in all likelihood, she knows by heart anyway. But even if you caught her at a moment where she was completely overwhelmed and incapable of thinking, she is going to have to face the music.

The only thing for you to do now is to tell your colleague that you can't attend her wedding and let her forward the information to the proper parties. You can leave her a note, saying how truly sorry you are that you can't make it, and apologizing for having lost the invitation. Do this soon and be as gentle and gracious as possible with her. Don't mention all your attempts to get in touch with the hosts, just say you don't want to inconvenience them by letting this unanswered response request linger.

Later you can decide if you want to get her a small wedding present or send her a card letting her know that you are happy for her and hope she had a wonderful wedding.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:29 AM    <link>

INVITATIONS AND CREDITS

Dear Elise,

My parents are (very generously) paying for our entire wedding and helping us plan it. Their parents did it for them and they are happy to throw a party for us. My fiance's family has not offered to contribute financially or in any other way really (aside from the occasional question about how things are going). I understand that they felt that it was the bride's family's responsibility to take care of the wedding. This is surprising for my fiance and me (and my less traditional family), this is not a problem.

The sticky part comes with the invitation wording. My fiance and I feel that since my parents are effectively throwing the party that they should be the ones to do the inviting, and therefore the wording on the invitation will be the super-traditional bride's parents invite. My future sister-in-law thought that her parents would be offended by this choice, and says that we should have both sets of parents do the inviting. Have invitation wording customs changed to the point that people will be offended by a very traditionally worded invitation? I always thought that the people who effectively pay for/ throw the party get to do the inviting. Am I missing something?

Thanks for your help,

Word Nerd

Dear WN,

The primary way in which invitation language has shifted is in the fact that there are many more people inclined to be called a wedding's "hosts" and there is a lot of flexibility about wording that allows for all sorts of options. At the bottom of this issue are two main points: 1) invitation "credit" does not HAVE to depend on financial contribution, though it can, and 2) it isn't necessarily worth straining one's relations with one's future in-laws or one's parents over invitation language.

So, the smart move would be to compose the invitation you want, using the traditional format (mentioning only your parents) and show it to both sets of parents (not your future sister-in-law who seems a little too invested in this situation). You can even preface your presentation by saying that you opted for the most traditional wording. (This might have some appeal to your future in-laws who opted for the "traditional", bride's family pays for everything financial arrangement.) Let them know ahead of time what you are thinking. Sometimes, discomfort and embarrassment can be nipped in the bud by just letting the other parties know what you're planning. Taking away the possibility of a surprise they may find embarrassing could be invaluable. On the other hand, if they protest or are hurt, you are also in a position to rethink your invitations.

Be open and see where this leads you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:42 AM    <link>

MY PLANS VS. MY PARENT'S IDEAL

Dear Elise,

Help me please!

I recently became engaged to my very long-time boyfriend. We've always imagined a small, intimate wedding and reception where we live. We also want to have the wedding this fall, which will be 6 months after our engagement. His family and our friends don't see this as a problem but I am getting an enormous amount of pressure from my family to have the wedding in my hometown and put it off for a year so that people can plan to travel.

My family is huge and weddings are notoriously big affairs. This isn't the kind of comfortable, intimate and fun atmosphere my fiance and I want to have. We would prefer something smaller here with our closest friends and family, followed with a larger receptions in our hometown. I told my mother this would work out well because then she can invite anyone she wants and will have more creative control, but we want "our day" the way we pictured it.

After a ton of arguing and negotiating my parents have agreed to this, but even though I really truly prefer this arrangement, I feel so guilty because I know they are still so disappointed and everyone in my family is acting like it will be such a problem to get time off. Are we really being too demanding? Isn't 6 months plenty of time? We really, desperately don't want to wait a year.

What is the best way to ensure that people don't feel excluded from the "real wedding"? My mother suggested sending invitations to everyone with two reception cards in each.

I'm at my wits end trying to make everyone else happy!

Feelin' Guilty

Dear Feelin',

What could possibly be wrong about the scenario you've presented? If you have time to plan your wedding, your families certainly have time to make arrangements. If you think about it, six months notice is a typical "heads up" window in which people send save the date cards to encourage potential guests to make plans early.

It really seems as if you found the best solution to please everyone. You get to have an intimate wedding close to your home while your parents get to have the pleasure of throwing a party on their terms where no one will interfere with their guest list and they can make any plans they like. It sounds great.

Now, your family may want you to change your mind for their convenience, but don't bend if you won't want to. Your mother's idea of packaging two reception cards in the invitation is not a good one. Each event should have its own invitation. Doing anything otherwise risks confusing everyone and your guests won't know to which party they are really invited. You don't want to create a situation where your intimate wedding turns into the enormous affair you wanted to avoid, either. On top of this is the problem that you should really just deal with one reception at time and chances are, these events will be on separate days anyway.

There is no reason to feel guilty for your preferences and concerns. Your parents may have a different way of doing things, but you're allowing for their tastes and pleasures while not giving up on yours. You're in fine shape, really.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:28 AM    <link>

AND GUEST AWKWARDNESS

Dear Elise,

A co-worker is getting married soon, and several of us from work were invited. One person has decided to bring another co-worker as his date even though she was not invited. We are wondering if this is okay. These two are friends but are not dating. We feel like the bride would have invited this woman if she had wanted her there and that this decision might make a few people uncomfortable. What are your thoughts?

Thanks,

Curious Co-Workers

Dear Curious,

Well, this is a peculiar situation, but what can one do about it, really? The bride was certainly not in a position to tell her guests when she invited them to bring a companion of their choice, "but don't ask anyone from the office to join you." What if your co-worker really has no one else he can invite? Should he be denied a date because his only option happens to be a co-worker?

Or is something else going on? Is the woman who wasn't invited to the wedding someone the bride despises or is she just someone the bride just doesn't know very well? If she did something malicious, that is one story and it would be uncomfortable for the bride, so much so that the co-worker who invited the Malicious One should be informed of the friction. If the two women just don't know each other, then this woman is just another "and guest" who is slightly less mysterious than most.

So chances are, the situation is pretty benign and you should all just go and enjoy the wedding.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:25 AM    <link>

BRIDE IGNORES BIRTH FATHER

Dear Elise,

Should a daughter ask her stepfather to give her away instead of her real father, when her real father has always been there for her? She is having a big public wedding, her father was not asked to participate at all and has not even been named her invitations.

Thank you

Sad and Wondering

Dear S&W,

This is an interesting problem and really does demonstrate why a certain amount of early communication is crucial when it comes to the delicate questions of invitation language and aisle walking.

I can't speak at all to the relationship between this daughter and father at all, of course, and that is the essence of the part of your question that relates to the bride being given away or walked down the aisle. If she feels she wants her stepfather to have this honor, it is an uncomfortable and surely painful choice for her birth father to have to hear about, and she has surely handled it rather poorly, but there is nothing to be done.

As far as invitation text goes, the most classic format lists the bride's parents as the hosts since they traditionally were the people who were doing all the work, paying for everything, organizing the process, etc. Now, it is possible that the bride's mother and stepfather in your case have paid for everything and as a result felt like taking all the "credit" for the wedding. This is not completely weird, but it would have been a good idea for the bride to talk to her birth father about this before sending invitations out.

In both of these situations, the painful part of things is that there has been absolutely no communication that would allow for any reduction in discomfort or ire. The bride's birth father could always ask his daughter what her intentions were and probe her reasons for neglecting him (if that is what he feels she has done). Ideally, he would not let this fester and turn into some long-term resentment. In this case, the etiquette is less important than the relationship. See what a good chat can do.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:47 AM    <link>

QUESTIONABLE INVITATION LANGUAGE

Dear Elise,

I'm planning a destination wedding. I'd like a simple ceremony followed by a dinner to thank people for coming. This won't be a formal reception (no DJ, dancing, etc.). I'm also inviting many more people than I'd like to attend, so my invitation wording isn't so inviting. I won't say "please join us" or ask for the "pleasure of your company" or "warmly welcome" my guests and will offer few details.

Is the following wording on a single card (with no response card) okay? Is 3 months in advance too early to send this out? (No save the dates. I think they are a waste of paper.)

I don't want people to think I'm running away to be secretly married (which is why I'd like to do invitations rather than announcements) and I don't want them to be offended that I'm assuming they can't make it.

Betty Bride and Gary Groom will wed on WEDDING DATE in Maui, Hawaii.

Please contact us if you are interested in attending the ceremony.

Betty- 555-555-1234, bride@email.com
Gary- 555-555-5678, groom@email.com

Private Bride

Dear PB,

This is truly a peculiar wedding invitation. Why would you generate a huge list of guests you don't want to see and then send out an invitation that is so deliberately stand-offish? You don't even tell people where on the island you're planning to marry. A better plan would be to narrow your guest list down to people you actually want to invite and then you can send out announcements to everyone else when you get back. There is no shame in sending wedding announcements, after the wedding. They have been useful for centuries.

Typically, wedding invitations are sent six to eight weeks before the nuptials. Three months in advance is a very awkward time frame, particularly with the obscure invitation language you've composed. Why don't you hold off on sending the invitations until a more appropriate moment and instead send save-the-date emails to your potential guest list? This would save paper and still get your information across.

Overall, it is a little odd that you would decide to have such hostile invitations. If you don't want to see people, you really don't have to. People will only think you're a bit odd for using the language you've chosen. They won't get the hint that you really don't want to see them even though you've omitted all of the standard welcoming formats.

In general, you'll be much better off if you decide who you really want to see, invite them happily and graciously, and let everyone else hear of your nuptials after the fact.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:44 AM    <link>

CHOOSING

Dear Elise,

I was asked to be in a friend's wedding and agreed to do it. The wedding is in six weeks. My problem is that I just received an invitation to my 10-year class reunion, which I have been looking forward to since the day I graduated. If there were a way to attend both, I would, but this is not going to be possible, because they will take place 6 hours away from each other.

I am not the bride's best friend. I haven't even talked to her in over a month. If I go to the wedding and miss the reunion I will resent her and miss out on something very important to me. If I go to the reunion and back out of the wedding she will definitely be upset with me.

Please give me your advice, I need help!

Sincerely,
Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Stuck,

There is nothing magical I can tell you that will eradicate this problem, though I can certainly tell you what traditional etiquette would have to say about your predicament.

As a general matter, the thing to do is to accept the fact that you made a plan and stick with it. Whichever commitment you made first is the one to which you owe allegiance.

This is surely what you did not want to hear. Now, you say that if you have to miss your reunion, you will resent your friend. Of course your friend didn't mean to schedule her wedding for your reunion weekend. She also only wanted to honor your friendship when she asked you to be in her wedding party. So is it worth getting angry at your friend for thinking well of you?

So, what are you willing to do? Do you feel comfortable backing out of the wedding? (Don't think here about whether or not your friend will replace you in the wedding party. That isn't really the point, since she can have as many or as few bridesmaids as she likes.) She picked you for your support and friendship. If you want to back out of the wedding, you know what it could cost you.

Now, perhaps circumstances are different and your friendship really is quite tenuous or your friend wouldn't care if you quit your bridesmaid position. Those are possibilities but the bottom line from an etiquette perspective is this: you made a commitment to one event and while one you prefer has come up instead, you are under greater obligation to attend your friend's wedding.

What you ultimately decide to do is up to you of course and perhaps you could navigate a compromise (skip the rehearsal while attending the first day of the reunion and sprint the six hours to the wedding the next day, perhaps). This is a hard decision and I'm not unsympathetic to your plight, but choosing to resign your post will have an impact on your friendship. I can only tell you what the recommended course of action would be.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:29 AM    <link>

FOR READERS: EDITORIAL UPDATE

Dear All,

As much as I try to deny it, I am about to have a baby, which means that this column will be a bit sporadic for a few days starting perhaps tomorrow while I am otherwise indisposed. Please do not worry or feel neglected, I will be back, somewhat rougher for wear at first, but back nonetheless.

Because these family-growing events tend to be exhausting and a bit hectic, please continue to send in your questions, but if you find you are having an etiquette emergency (an oxymoron? I think not) please indicate in the subject line of your email that your question is pressing.

Thank you and more soon, soon, soon.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:19 AM    <link>

CHILD SELECTION?

Hello,

We decided not to invite children to our wedding who aren't related to us, and would in almost every case prefer to not invite children at all. The problem is that My fiance's cousins are very close to him. The two oldest children are old enough that we don't mind them being there, and their younger sibling is fairly well behaved and would probably be fine.

The problem is that my niece is the same age as the youngest cousin, and she has major behavior issues. I don't think we can invite the two older cousins and leave their sibling out, and I think that asking that my niece stay home because of her behavior issues is not going to go over well. I considered having a "kids room", but there aren't very many children coming, and really those two are the only ones "too young" in our opinion.

Do you have any advice? Just invite no children period and hurt the cousin's feelings, or approach the parents individually and ask their preferences? Also, we wouldn't mind having children at the ceremony, but the reception is going to be fairly grown up and run late into the night. Children are all invited to the "welcome BBQ" the night before.

Thank you for your help,

Trying to Please

Dear Trying,

You have a good sense of the real basis for your quandary. You really can't exclude one sibling (of the cousin set) and if you do invite the cousins, you can't get away with not inviting your niece. So, there is the big decision you'll have to make. Either choice is legitimate, but you and your fiance should really discuss the implications of each option.

It would be truly unwise to poll your and your fiance's relatives for their opinions. Doing that will only give them a sense of control and encourage them to believe that their opinions will come to life. It is unlikely, for instance, that your sibling would understand how deeply you are concerned about your niece's behavior and would be put out at her exclusion. You can't really count on anyone's benevolence or clear-sightedness when it comes to inviting children to a wedding. Your relatives will surely know that your reception runs late and plan accordingly even if their children are invited, so don't count on

So decide for yourselves which scenario you can manage. Understand that as long as you are consistent you'll be on solid ground.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:36 AM    <link>

ELOPING & REGISTERING

Hello

My fiance and I have been engaged for a while and have just decided to elope to Las Vegas. We are not inviting anyone (except 2 couples who are close friends of ours). It's going to be great, we're going to have the ceremony recorded on DVD. I'm wearing a simple dress and white flip flops, we are doing it on 7/7/07 (lucky sevens) The reception is going to be in a limo driving up and down the strip sipping champagne, then dinner at a restaurant and a small cake.

We don't know if we should tell people. I envisioned just doing it, coming back, sending out combination wedding announcements/reception invitation.

Now my fiance is telling me to just tell everyone (which I think would stress me out with all the "why are you doing this" and "why aren"t you doing that" questioning) and have someone throw me a "shower" so we can register someplace for gifts.

My question is, if I were to tell everyone, and have a shower (assuming someone would throw one for me since no one is invited), would it be cheesy to still to do the wedding announcement and/or reception invitation?

Any advice?


Dear Hitting the Road

You are in an interesting position but it isn't an unusual one. You're eloping, which means you aren't going to invite anyone to your wedding. You don't have to be secretive about it, but it eloping does do a bunch of things to your plans.

First of all, you shouldn't send out an announcement that you are eloping. (Even people who are having enormous public weddings shouldn't send out an announcement that they got married before the actual date.) After the fact, you can certainly mail a wedding announcement, and you can send it alone or with an invitation to your post-elopement reception.

As far as showers and registering are concerned, you can absolutely register for presents, and people who come to your post-elopement reception will probably be inclined to give presents, but it would be rather problematic to count on a shower. Bridal showers, because of the gift requirements, are really meant to have a guest list of people who are invited to the wedding. In some elopement situations, you can have a shower, but only if you are organized enough to have your reception set up before you elope, so that your guests know they are not being soaked for presents in honor of an event that will ultimately be excluding them.

The best, most polite thing to do is to tell people casually about your plans simply because you're happy and excited and to wait for the rest until you are back. You'll spare yourselves all kinds of confusion.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:22 PM    <link>

THEY ELOPED! WHAT DO I DO?

Dear Elise,

OK, so they eloped last weekend. Surprise Mom and Dad! We'd like to have a party/reception form them but are in uncharted territory etiquette-wise. We've heard of a post-elopement blessing ceremony and reception theme. Don't have a clue as to how that works - A pastor blesses the union? If we go the casual party route, how do we word the invitations? Help!!

Signed,

Clueless Mom

Dear CM,

You aren't actually in uncharted territory. There is plenty of tradition for post-elopement receptions. The only question you have to answer is this: what do you want to do?

Do you want to have a ceremony re-enactment or some sort of blessing? If so, anyone can perform it since a legal wedding has already happened. If this isn't necessary, you can concentrate on the reception, which can be as fancy or casual as you and the newlyweds would like. The most traditional invitations to receptions that happen substantially after the wedding look like this:

HOST'S NAMES
Request the pleasure of your company
At a reception
In honor of
NEWLYWED'S NAMES
DATE
TIME
PLACE

Alternatively you could say:

HOST'S NAMES
Request the pleasure of your company
at a reception
honoring the marriage of
NEWLYWED'S NAMES
DATE
TIME
PLACE

You can play with this language to find something that is comfortable.

Have a fabulous time.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:30 AM    <link>

PAGING MISS HAVISHAM!

HI,

My daughter is getting married in a few months. Her dress is a cream/ivory strapless ball gown.

Her fiance's mother bought her dress before I did (mine is beige) and it is an ivory satin strapless dress with a beige sash.

My daughter is very upset. What is my place in this? Should the groom tell his mother the dress is inappropriate?

Signed,

Unbelievable

Dear Unbelievable,

This is, indeed, a tricky situation. As a general matter, you should stay far, far away from any conversation with your daughter's future mother-in-law about what she intends to wear to her wedding. She almost certainly knows that she's doing and will respond poorly to being told that her choice is inappropriate. The only person who is in a position to say anything about her sartorial choice is her son. He really could tell her that he is uncomfortable with her wearing a wedding dress to his wedding.

Of course her decision to wear a wedding dress to anyone else's wedding- let alone her SON'S- is completely ridiculous. (I will also here gently restrain myself from elaborating on any of the creepy Oedipal implications behind her gesture.) What reasonable person would decide to do that, unless she is deliberately trying to be provocative?

Your daughter may be upset, but she should try not to take the bait. Her mother-in-law-to-be may be hoping to get a big reaction out of her, and there's no point in rewarding her.

The best course of action for you and your daughter will be to assume a mask of polite detachment. If your daugher's fiance fails to convince his mother that this dress is a mistake, and she does wear it there is only one person who will come off looking insane and weirdly competitive at the wedding.

Your daughter should absolutely have a word with her photographer about coming up with a plan for acceptable pictures, but beyond that, she can take comfort in the knowledge that while no one would blame her for her future mother-in-law's dress choice, everyone will think she is remarkably brave to join that woman's family.

With any luck, someone will pour a hefty glass of red wine in the woman's lap, but even if that doesn't happen, no one, no one at ALL will be confused about which woman is the bride.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:13 AM    <link>

PARENTS & CASH & GUEST LIST

Hello,

My fiance and I are having money issues. My parents set aside some money for my wedding. What ever is left over from the wedding fund will go toward a house, so my fiance and I have an incentive (in addition to our own tastes) to not go over the top.

If it were entirely up to us, the wedding would be relatively small. Since my parents are financially involved, however, I think they really deserve to have a say in the guest list. At this point we now have about 50 more people thank we were planning to invite, many of whom are extended family of my parents' friends I barely know. My parents said that even if we eloped they would throw a reception for us, and this presents the same problems as not eloping. We aren't very happy with the prospect of not really wanting a big chunk of our guests to be there at all. Where do we draw the line?

Hopeless and Confused

Dear H&C,

This is really only a mildly annoying position to be in. You're actually in great shape, given that many people go into at least a modicum of debt when they throw a wedding. You're looking at emerging from your wedding experience debt-free and possibly a little bit ahead of the game.

You're stumbling on the possibility that you might not come out as far ahead as you and your fiance might like.

In your case, first try not to think of the money in terms of how much you won't have available for your house payment. It will only make you crazy and since you're going to be ahead of the game no matter what, there's no reason to nickel and dime your parents.

Now, if you're having real problems with accepting the sheer number of guests, you could talk to your parents about being overwhelmed and trying to find a middle ground where they get to invite a big chunk of their crowd but not everyone's extended family. This is all about negotiating, not about line drawing. Your parents are being very generous and you certainly don't want to alienate them, but this doesn't mean you can't figure out a way to have the numbers you prefer. Talk to them and see what you can work out. Maybe instead of 50 extra guests, for instance, they could agree to 20 or 25.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:59 AM    <link>

SISTERLY STRIFE

Dear Elise,

My sister has become rather distant since I got engaged. She is older than I am and still lives with our parents and the news has made her start acting very weird with me. She never wants to talk about my wedding and seems put out that I asked her to by my Maid of Honor. I asked her many times what kind of dress she would want to wear as the Maid of Honor, but she would never tell me.

I wound up finding a beautiful dress that both my bridesmaids liked. I took a picture of it and sent it to my sister. She said she liked it too so I guessed her size and bought it. Unfortunately, I got the wrong size so she and my mother went to return it and instead they bought a completely different dress that doesn't match my bridesmaid dresses at all. It doesn't look like what I imagined her to wear, or what my wedding party would look like.

I told my sister and mom that while I thought the dress was beautiful, it was not exactly what I want my wedding, and that I hoped that they would understand that it was important to me for everyone to wear what I had envisioned. My mom told me I was being "selfish" and that I was making too big of a deal over my wedding. She keeps reminding me that she had a much smaller wedding thank I am planning and I find her comments hurtful.

Since this is the biggest day of my life; even if I am being selfish, I feel like I have a right to be since it's my wedding day! I don't know what to do. Half of me doesn't want my sister to participate at all because I feel in my heart that she doesn't even want to do it I also feel that my mom is being unfair.

What should I do?

Bride-To-Be Battling Momzilla and Sisterzilla

Dear Bride-to-Be,

While your mother and your sister are aligned in upsetting you about your wedding plans, try to deal with them separately. You and your sister are both adults and capable of negotiating with each other on your own terms.

Tackle your sister first. You should understand by now that her problems are not about the dress. She perhaps feels uncomfortable and competitive that your life appears to have leapt ahead of where hers is and is being blindsided by her feelings. This may be why she can't really be involved as heavily as you want her to be. It may also be why she wants to wear something that is different from what your other bridesmaids are going to wear and why she is asserting herself in this odd way.

Try talking to her, not about the dress, but about what's going on with her and how she's doing generally. She really may feel that your wedding planning has overwhelmed all normal life and that you just don't care about her except as an accessory to your nuptials. While this is surely not the case, she may be unhappy enough to have fallen into that assumption.

As for the dress, how big a deal do you want to make of it, really? Is it worth triggering a ton of family resentment and anger over? Do you really want to fire your sister because of this? Since she is the maid of honor, it won't be that strange if she is wearing something different from what your bridesmaids wear, and if you really want pictures with symmetry, just make sure you get a couple of you with only your bridesmaids. You are going to have to compromise somewhere for your wedding and really it looks like your choice may come down to dropping the dress question or making a big, angry gesture (firing your sister) that will alienate your family. Which is more appealing to you?

Your mother, on the other hand, is being tactless and weird but she is probably feeling that your sister is in a hard place and wants to facilitate peace, which she is doing very badly. The best thing you can do in the face of her blundering is to stop talking to her about your wedding. If she asks, say only that things are going well and refuse to elaborate. Detach from her. You want her to be excited and supportive and since she can't manage that, she is only going to be a disappointment, so why deal with her at all?

Indeed, this is your wedding and you have a right to your tastes and choices, but you are also going to have to be flexible and understand that being a bride, unless you do go to City Hall and do something private, means engaging with friends and family with whom you'll have to make compromises and be flexible. You lose nothing by telling your sister to go ahead and wear what she wants, for instance. You'll seem reasonable and mature in the face of her foot stomping. And if your mother continues to trot out her tiny wedding, just tell her you are happy she had the wedding she wanted and you're happy that you have the chance to have the wedding that you want. Don't fight, just say it and change the subject.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:03 PM    <link>

THAT OLD MR. & MRS. QUESTION

Hello.

Although I'm perfectly willing to address an octogenarian's invitation to Mrs. HisFirstName LastName, it makes me cringe for anyone younger than seventy unless I know that's what they prefer. I'd like to maintain the formality of the invitations, though. Would it be okay to address invitations to Mr. HisFirst and Mrs. HerFirst Last (e.g. Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith), or is that not done?

Thanks,

Still a Feminist

Dear Still,

In point of fact, feminism doesn't have too much to do with your question. People, men and women, are entitled to being addressed as they would like. Would you feel any differently about the old fashioned construct if the couple had taken an entirely new last name (Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName TotallyNewName) or if both members of the couple were using her last name (Mrs. and Mr. HerFirstName HerLastName)?

If you have a sense that people might be more comfortable with the old-fashioned structure, why not make people happy? It isn't as if you'd be able to change minds by altering the terms of address on a single wedding invitation.

Of course, if you don't have a sense of things or if you suspect that your prospective guests would prefer to have all names included, you should feel free to use both names. You could use the structure you suggested or: Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst and HerFirst LastName" and be in good shape.

The best policy is to tailor your choices to what would make your guests comfortable. You know best what your default option should be.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:22 AM    <link>

SEND THE INVITE - 2 Questions, Same Answer

Hi Elise

After we sent our save-the-dates, several friends & family let us know that they wouldn't be able to make our wedding. I was planning to send them invites anyway, in case their circumstances change and they could make our wedding after all. I realize this could be interpreted as a gift grab, especially since these people were so upfront about not being able to attend. We honestly don't care about gifts - What is the etiquette for sending invites this situation? I haven't been able to find anything on the net about this?

Thanks
Not a gift grabber

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I sent save-the-date cards and have already learned that some friends and family will not be able to attend our wedding. Should we still send invitations to those we know will not attend? I thought it might be nice to send one anyway, but do not want to appear as though we are soliciting gifts (we won't be mentioning gifts in the invites, of course!).

Your advice is most appreciated!

Trying to Decide


Dear Not a Grabber and Trying to Decide,

Your impulses to invite everyone who received save-the-date cards are absolutely on target. There is nothing wrong with letting people know that they will always be welcome at your wedding. Really, this is the most appropriate move to take anyway, since save-the-dates are invitations and in any other circumstances (that is, if people hadn't suggested they might have been unavailable, would be the only route to take.

You won't appear to be demanding presents, and if anyone thinks that you are making some kind of bid for gifts, that, as they say, is their problem and shame on them for being so sour and ill tempered.

So, invite away. Your guests should be happy that you persist in hoping their availability will change because it suggests how much you enjoy their company.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 3:55 AM    <link>

LAGGARD BRIDESMAIDS

Hi Elise,

My wedding is in about 5 months, and my wedding party won't order their dresses. What is the proper way to go about asking them what's taking so long? If they don't place their orders in the next 2 weeks, the dresses may not arrive in time (plus they need time for alterations).

I thought the stalling could be financially related, so I let them all know that I could pay for the dress ahead of time, and they could pay me back in a few weeks, and I also offered to let them have the same dresses made for less money in the same fabric that I chose in case the issue was financial. But no one, I mean no one has responded. What should I say to get the ball rolling? I'm almost at the point where I would be willing not to have any bridesmaids?

Thank you,

Impatient

Dear Impatient,

Have you actually talked to your wedding party members or are you counting on email? I can't tell you why they're stalling though in all likelihood they're just not really thinking. Autumn seems like a long time off and they're probably busy with various springtime activities and they don't realize that the dress-ordering timeline is so long.

Call your friends and speak to them directly. Don't count on messages or email. Explain your concerns and ask them if there is any reason why they can't order their dresses. Just talk to them. It feels like an enormous issue for you, but it probably isn't that huge in their minds and this is what is frustrating you. They are almost certainly not thinking along the same lines you are right now and a conversation in which you let them know about your concerns isn't bad as long as you don't blow everything out of proportion. These are your friends, your closest friends. You will want to keep these friendships after your wedding so keep in mind that these women standing with you when you get married will always be more important than the dresses they wear at your wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:38 AM    <link>

WHERE WILL THEY SIT?

Hello.

At our wedding, we will have a photographer and her assistant shooting the ceremony and reception. Obviously, we are expected to provide them with dinner (right?). Since we will have a buffet, this is not an issue.

My concern is with seating. I can't afford to rent another table (and associated linens) apart for them and it seems really tacky to ask them to eat in the kitchen or similar out-of-the-way place. On the other hand, my finace and I were ruthless with the guest list and hurt the feelings of some friends who didn't make the cut. I can't therefore, in good conscience, treat near-strangers as guests and add them to a table. What do I do?

Help!

Vendor Seating?

Dear Vendor Seating,

You are right. It is absolutely crucial that you feed your photographer and her assistant. (It is also important to feed anyone else who is working at one's wedding.) But how and when you feed them, is something that you will need to negotiate with them.

If your photographer is going to be documenting your reception, it would probably be inconvenient for her to be seated at all (during your guests' meal), let alone with your guests or far away from them. Speak to her about when she and her assistant would like to eat, and see what she says. It is possible they would prefer a meal before the reception, in which case you don't have to rent another table since you can just use one you already have, or she may rather have sandwiches or something quick to eat on the fly so she doesn't have to stop shooting. She will surely have an opinion and should appreciate your asking what would be ideal for her.

Cheers to you for thinking ahead and for being gracious to your wedding staff.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:02 AM    <link>

PRESENTS FROM THE UNINVITED

Elise,

I am getting married really soon and I have begun getting gifts from people who weren't invited to the wedding. What do I do? It feels too late to invite them (invitations went out over a month ago) but I don't want to be rude. How do I handle this?

Thanks,

How to Respond?

Dear How,

Presents from the uninvited are handled the same way you deal with all presents. All you need to do is write gracious thank you notes. Since these things were sent well after the givers could have any expectation of receiving an invitation, you aren't in a position of having to feel confused or as if they are making some sort of passive plea to be invited.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Weddings often just trigger something in people that makes them want to give presents. All you need to do is write prompt, interested, caring responses to their generosity. Mention how happy you were that they thought of you and include details about how useful or attractive the present is.

Have a wonderful wedding and realize that sometimes presents just show up without any reciprocity expected.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:39 AM    <link>

SHOWERED

Dear Elise,

My future mother-in-law told me she would like to put together a shower for my fiance and me within the next few weeks. My cousin who is also my matron of honor is planning to have one for us but closer to the actual wedding date in the fall. Ideally, I would have two showers, one for his side of the family and one for mine but is this acceptable? Or should I invite everyone to both? This seems excessive and gift-hungry to me!

Another reason I would rather have two separate showers is that the majority of my family live three hours or more away and his family live in the same town we do.

Dripping Showers

Dear DS,

In fact, you have the perfect shower set-up and thanks to the vicissitudes of geography, you are in a great position to manage your guest lists.

Traditionally, brides are advised to have no more than two showers with completely separate guest lists. This prevents people from feeling that they are being bled dry for presents and keeps you from feeling uncomfortable. As for how to manage your guests, the only people you should consider inviting to both are your immediate family members. As for bridal party members, if you're having a bridal party, you can consider inviting them to both, but especially if travel is involved, they shouldn't be expected to attend more than your local one. This is especially the case since your wedding party isn't hosting the shower.

Have a wonderful time and enjoy the fact that your family's plans happen to fit beautifully into neat, polite structures.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:38 AM    <link>

DROPPING THE INNER ENVELOPE

Hello!

My fiance and I have decided to design our own wedding invitations. To save some money, and to give us a bit more creative freedom, we decided not to use an inner envelope.

What is the appropriate way to address the outer envelope if we are not including an inner envelope? It seems a bit odd to write "Eric and Guest" on the outside, but we want to make sure people are aware that they are able to bring guests and kids. Any thoughts or suggestions you may have regarding this would be greatly appreciated.

Getting Creative

Dear GC,

The whole inner-envelope tradition on wedding invitations is a classic nicety that often got dropped as early as the 1940's in the United States due to wartime paper shortages, so you aren't treading on freshly turned soil here.

As far as addressing goes, the easiest thing to do is to find out the names of your friends' significant others and their children and just include them on the invitation with your friends. You can also resort to the "and Family " construct, if you like (as in "Mr. John Wolf and Ms. Mary Lamb and Family"), though traditionally the implication of "and Family" is that you intend to invite all family members (grandparents, etc.) who live at that residence.

There is really nothing wrong with including "and guest" on the outer envelope if you want to make sure that your friends know they can bring a date. It doesn't fall under the protocols of the most traditional etiquette, but for practical purposes there is no problem with it. If you really feel strongly about avoiding "and guest" on the outer envelope, you can attach a note to the inside of the invitation, indicating that your friend would be welcome to bring a companion.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:26 AM    <link>

NO AFTER THE FACT SHOWERS

Dear Elise,

My friend's daughter married a service man last December then he left to go to basic training until the end of March. My friend would like to give the couple a wedding shower. How would she word the invitation?

Thank you,

Helping

Dear Helping,

The time for throwing a wedding shower ended in December, I’m afraid. Showers are really pre-wedding parties and have very specific protocols (the necessity of presents being one of them).

If the mother of the bride would like to throw a party for the newlyweds, however, she should feel free to have a post-wedding reception or even a housewarming party in their honor. This would be a happy, pressure-free event that would leave no one snarking.

An invitation to a post-wedding reception can look like this:

Host's Name
Requests the pleasure of your company
At a reception
in honor of
[The married names of the wedding couple]
Date
Time
Place
RSVP

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:20 AM    <link>

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