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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Thursday, May 31, 2007

YES, THEY WOULD BE ANGRY

Dear Elise,

I just had this horrifying thought. My honey and I are due to wed on Halloween. We are limiting the guest list to a very select few. We (mostly) are footing the bill (including dinner at a 4 star restaurant), and are having a catered reception for all of our friends and extended family the following Sunday.

Here is the big problem. We plan to invite my brother and his wife who we both love dearly, but don't plan to invite my two sisters to the wedding event. I am closer to my brother, who will be giving me away, and after our mother died I had a falling out with my sisters.

Should I be terribly stressed and worried that I will hurt my sisters feeling by not asking them to attend? Money aside, we could afford 2 more plates for dinner. I know I can't keep this info from them, but how should I approach this?

Can't Sleep

Dear Can't Sleep,

Know this: there is very little chance that you will not seriously offend your sisters if you invite your brother to your wedding and exclude them. That is the beginning and end of it. If you don't care about their feelings because of your falling out, that is one thing, but you must understand that your decision will absolutely be taken as a slight if not an outright slap in the face.

Now, part of this is an issue because one generally invites one's immediate family to one's wedding (unless one is eloping or in the event of other extenuating circumstances), but you have an additional complication. You will be inviting your brother. It you were to exclude all of your siblings, you would be on somewhat more solid ground, but as it is, your sisters won't even need much imagination to take offense.

Of course, what you decide to do is up to you, but at least you'll be able to sleep knowing with relative certainty that not inviting your sisters to your wedding will hurt their feelings.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:55 AM    <link>

KEEPING IT SIMPLE IS HARD
2 Questions

Hi Elise,

I'm not a traditional bride, and the thought of being one makes my skin crawl. I'm getting married next year, and am struggling with the ceremony. I want it to be extremely simple: no bridesmaids, flower people, candle lighters, or even the little ring dude. I have been searching the Internet for non-traditional ceremony ideas, and have found nothing but suggestions that all the things I don't want to have are necessary. To make matters worse, everyone in my family turns every shade of red when I tell them that I don't want all the fuss. If you have any ceremony ideas or links that have simple, drama-free ceremony processional information I'd greatly appreciate it.

No Frills

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a small wedding in our backyard this fall. We're having a lot of fun planning the reception and decorations, but have NO idea what to do about the ceremony itself.

Neither of us is religious, so we don't have a pastor to marry us, and my fiance doesn't want us to write our own vows. I'd just as soon have a civil ceremony at the court house and a reception the next day, but I feel that we need to do something special for our friends and family who are coming a long way out to see us get married. Are there any good resources for ceremony ideas?

No Ideas

Dear No Frills and No Ideas,

Every resource that says one can't have a wedding without a big cake, white dress, wedding party, candles, flowers, nine-piece band, limousine and boutonnieres for everyone is utterly mistaken. You need but three things for a wedding to result in a legal marriage (in the United States): a person to marry, a valid marriage certificate, and a legal officiant. Everything else is up to you.

For ideas about processionals, and whether or not you actually want one, I would suggest you think seriously about how you want your guests to feel and how you want them to see you. You can have a makeshift altar and escort yourselves up to it or you can just let your officiant wander into the middle of a cocktail party, announce that everyone should gather around him for a wedding ceremony and do the deed right there and then with no fuss at all.

The simplest of wedding ceremonies doesn't take more than five minutes, so consider how much pomp you want to have, if your ceremony is short and sweet. There is absolutely no correlation, by the way, between length of ceremony and depth of romantic sentiment, so don't be afraid of brevity. You can find examples of wedding ceremonies, secular and religious, in any number of books and from your court house, and all of these are perfectly valid.

The point of a wedding is not to provide a spectacular entertainment for your guests unless that is what you want to get out of it. Even if they have traveled, you don't owe them anything more than what you want to do. If you want to have a court house wedding, know that you can certainly stage a second ceremony before your later reception. This would give your guests the theater they might otherwise miss and let you choose a second "officiant" who may not be allowed to perform legally binding weddings but whose participation is an important symbolic gesture for you.

Opting for a quick, simple ceremony and a lively reception, that is a perfectly legitimate choice. If your family can't handle your decisions, stop talking to them about your plans. You aren't being weird at all. So, you can ask around on message boards (such as the Kvetch ones on this site) or look in books, but the bottom line is for you to understand that the number of elements you actually need is very small. Try checking out some sample ceremonies, see what inspires you, and move on from there.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:26 PM    <link>

OH LOOK, A BOOK

Earlier this month, a book of essays about weddings hit shelves whose title alone may appeal to you: Altared: bridezillas, bewilderment, big love, breakups, and what women really think about contemporary weddings. It was edited by Colleen Curran and features a piece I wrote called "Manners and the Marrying Girl" and one by Lori Leibovich, founder of Indiebride, called "My So-Called Indie Wedding."

There are 25 other contributions, on topics ranging from ceremonies to food, to staying single to sex, so there's a little something for everyone.

What's your pleasure?

posted by Elise at 1:14 PM    <link>

TITLE CHANGING

Dear Elise,

I know what the "maid" vs. "matron" distinction is in wedding party titles. However, my married sister and I like the title "maid" much better than "matron". Can "maid" be substituted for "matron" even though my sister is married? If it is not a horrible breach of etiquette, we would like to use maid instead of matron. Please let us know your views!

Thanks,

Hate Matron

Dear HM,

What's wrong with "matron"? Is it that the word conjures images of girls' boarding schools and prisons and women with ample figures encased in starched uniforms? I do understand disliking words. The word "empowering" is particularly grating to me, for instance.

So the question I will ask you is: do you care that you're using the wrong term? Would it matter to you or your sister if someone thought she wasn't married? How often are you planning on using the title, anyway- just in conversation or in print (as in a wedding program) as well? It only matters fundamentally if being wrong matters to you and your sister. If your sister is content with the very tiny possibility that people will be confused or the more likely scenario that people will be know-it-alls and correct her, then she can choose whatever title she wants. You could even just use the all purpose "honor attendant" title if you really want to be correct and avoid the whole "matron" question.

At bottom, no one will be hurt if you call your married sister your maid of honor. It is not the accurate title, but so what? As long as you promise not to be annoyed or nasty when people smugly correct you, you can do what you want. You're getting your way, so you can be magnanimous and let people think you're making a mistake instead of being intentionally incorrect.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:24 AM    <link>

ALWAYS PAYING

Hello Elise,

When my husband, my daughter, and I plan to go somewhere like the movies or to a theme park, or other place, I ask my daughter (who is an only child) if she'd like to invite a friend, so she has someone her age to be with

Are we supposed to pay for everything for my daughter's friends because we do the inviting? I guess my thinking is that if my daughter would be invited somewhere I'm going to find out how much it costs and never assume the parents are going to pay for my daughter. Is this wrong?

As it is, I always do the inviting and my daughter never gets invited anywhere. I feel that we end up getting the short end of the stick. Is this wrong thinking?

I'd appreciate your advise on this matter.

Thank you,

Tired of Footing the Bills

Dear Tired

You're getting caught in a strange matrix that blossoms when one is dealing with children's social circles.

Typically and traditionally, your impression is correct: the people who make the invitations are the ones to host and pay for the entertainment. This may be what your daughter's friends' parents are assuming when you make your overtures. Now, it is also standard good behavior to reciprocate invitations once in a while, and if your daughter's friends are not initiating anything with her, then something is a bit amiss.

Now, circumstances for children's entertainment are a little different and it would not be beyond the pale for you, when you call up people to invite their children out, to say that you can't afford to cover all of the child's expenses and ask them if they would mind covering the cost of amusement park pass or movie tickets, etc. If you warn people ahead of time of your abilities and expectations, they can react accordingly. There is no reason for you to get angry if you politely ask if you can shift assumptions around a bit. Indeed, it would be polite for these other parents to offer to pay for their children, but given this semi-lapse on their part, you can step in and make a gentle request.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:00 PM    <link>

PARENTS' PANIC IS CONTAIGOUS

Dear Elise,

My parents keep reporting wedding "complaints" to me that come from other people. My mother will call me and tell me how one relative or another is huffy about something. I never actually hear anything from the people themselves so I don't really feel it's necessary to respond to them. My mom's attitude is not that these people are necessarily correct to be mad, but that I must react to their feelings (if nothing else, I am "required" to be upset), and also my mom complains about how she is hearing complaints.

My dad, on the other hand, worries about imagined or not-yet-occurring slights. He seems very worried about how offended guests will be to have to drive 45 minutes to the reception site in (possibly) snow. This is a subject of conversation every time I do see him.

I am struggling to deal with my wedding plans. I can mostly hold my anxiety at bay, but my parents undo a lot of the poise I work hard to maintain about these things. I understand that they are honestly very worried, but I cannot take care of my stress and theirs. Telling them not to stress can often end the present conversation, but once they've brought up the subject, it's already in my mind. Help!

Freaked Out

Dear Freaked,

If you truly want to end these conversations with your parents, you will have to get very stubborn with them. This doesn't mean being mean or unpleasant, but you will have to shut down a bit and stop being so receptive to their angst. It is unclear why they are so worried or what the real root of their problem is, but you are correct that you aren't going to please everyone all the time about everything.

So, I would suggest, when your mother starts to make noises about someone with a problem, that you ask her this question: "Why is this something I need to know?" It is rude for people to complain to the bride about her plans in the first place, since they can get married or throw a party themselves if they are so fussy, and if they are offended they can always decide not to attend your nuptials and do everyone a favor. You may have to keep reminding your mother that unless there is some emergency, this information is useless for you and not relevant to your plans. You will have to be firm and if she says something about how you should know how people feel, you can explain yourself: "These stories just make me upset and I really don't want to be sad or angry about these people because it will make me regret having to see them at my wedding." You can be gentler than that, but there is your message.

As for your father, he is obsessed with something and again, you'll just have to short-circuit his negative thinking. When he begins the drive-to-the-wedding lament, tell him that people have commutes to work that are longer than 45 minutes and it is up to the guests to decide if they don't want to be bothered with getting in the car or are afraid of the snow. You are inviting them and are being welcoming and generous but you are not ultimately responsible for their vehicular or meteorological issues and this is your final word on the matter.

They are your parents and you love them, surely, but if their issues are too much for you to navigate, then you can gently tell them to find another outlet. You have other worries that you need to deal with.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:21 AM    <link>

ENVELOPES: WHAT TO WRITE

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are opting not to have "formal" invitation packages, meaning that we will only have one envelope (I never understood what the inner envelope was for anyway). I have read traditional etiquette guidelines and I know that you are not supposed to write "and guest" on the outer envelope. Is it appropriate to put the full names of the guests and their dates on the envelope even if the couple does not live together?

Thanks,

Envelope Addled

Dear EA,

First, please know that your invitations will still be formal, even if you forego the inner envelope. The use of two envelopes on wedding invitations has ebbed and flowed over the years, and as far back as the mid-1940's was quite out of fashion due to wartime paper shortages.

Now, traditionally, one wouldn't put "and guest" on an inner or outer envelope because one would, ideally, know the names of the people one was inviting to one's wedding (even dates). It is not, however, rude or incorrect to use the "and guest" construction on the outer envelope if you find yourself unable to track down the names of your guests' companions.

As far as how to address invitations to unmarried couples who are not cohabitating, the traditional gesture would be to send separate invitations to each party, but if you would prefer to conserve invitations and energy you can write the names of the guests on the outer envelopes (each name on a separate line for unmarried couples).

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:22 PM    <link>

PRESENT IF NO INVITE?

Dear Elise,

I am not invited to my co-workers wedding which will take place this summer, and I don't know if I should give a gift.

Another colleague got married in Greece and invited me less than 2 weeks before the wedding. I probably wouldn't have gone even if I was given ample notice, but I definitely couldn't have arranged time and made plans with less than 2 weeks notice. I still gave a gift. My colleague who is getting married saw me give the present to my other co-worker.

Am I obligated to give a wedding gift? If I don't, does it look bad because I gave a present to another co-worker?

Signed,
To Gift, or Not to Gift

Dear To Gift,

You should only give a present if you want to. You weren't invited to this wedding and even from the most craven perspective you shouldn't feel obliged.

The fact that your colleague knows that you gave a present to another colleague who did invite you to her nuptials has nothing to do with this summer's wedding. Now, if you are feeling uncomfortable, you could split the difference a bit and acknowledge the wedding with a card wishing her the best. If you want to do a little more, you could give her a bottle of wine or champagne or some chocolates along with a card. This does the job of being respectful while not going overboard or leaving you in a situation where you feel taxed or taken advantage of.

Only do as much as you are inclined in this situation. You don't owe anyone anything.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:09 AM    <link>

Favor Poll 2007

As always it is interesting to see how much overlap there is between the best and worst of wedding favors. Many thanks to everyone who jumped in and feel free to keep sending more to me.

Cheers,

Elise

Best:

Anything Edible
*Favorite Eats: Chocolate (truffles, M&Ms, chocolate in fancy shapes, anything, anything, anything chocolate); nuts (pecans, macadamia, cashew, mixed, spicy, sweet, smoked); Cookies, Jordan almonds, Homemade preserves

Poker chips (at a casino wedding)
Christmas ornaments
Charitable donations
Jordan almonds
Tea samplers (of unusual varieties)
Seeds for planting (flowers, herbs)
Small plants / bamboo
Magnets
Lottery scratch card
Cookie cutters
Picture frames
Luggage tags
Fancy pens (engraved with bride and groom's names and the wedding date)

Worst:

Useless items engraved with the wedding couple's names and wedding date and/or featuring wedding bells or other wedding symbols.
*Unhappily engraved items: Hockey puck, golf ball

Big breakable glass bowl
Glass figurines
Tiny boxes decorated with baroque cherubs
Hershey's kisses bundled into rose formations
CDs of the couple's favorite music (draws extensive vitriol)
Jordan almonds (indeed, I am aware that they crop up on the "best" list too. With Jordan almonds you just have to take your chances)
Picture frames (see above note about taking chances)
Candles
Candy dishes / ashtrays / ceramic miscellany

posted by Elise at 10:23 AM    <link>

DREADFUL DAD

Dear Elise,

My daughter is trying to plan a wedding for this fall. She and her fiance are on a very limited budget, so they cannot afford to pay for a reception. My husband and I have limited resources too. My husband will not offer one penny towards their wedding, and I have no independent income beyond the small monthly allowance he gives me. I did offer them that.

Isn't it customary for the father or parents of the bride to pay for the reception? Of course, the groom's father hasn't offered anything towards the wedding or reception but her has offered to give them a down payment on a house, which is really generous and what they really could use.

My sister has offered her house to my daughter as a place to have a small reception and has offered to pay for refreshments as well. Should we accept this? My husband hasn't even acknowledged this offer. He won't talk to our daughter about her wedding and keeps repeating that he doesn't believe in marriage (even though we've been married for almost 4 decades). When our son got married my husband didn't behave this way at all.

Our daughter is very sad. Do you think my husband is wrong to behave this way? Should wenot take my sister up on their offer? What do you think about this situation?

Upset Mother

Dear UM,

You are right that it is traditional for the family of the bride to pay for the wedding, but that tradition only holds today when the family of the bride wants to foot the bill. What tends to be more the case now is that weddings are paid for by committee, which the wedding couple contributing as well as their parents.

What is more problematic than your husband's refusal to contribute financially to his daughter's wedding is his hostility towards her. At this point, he's really made his inclinations obvious and the thing to do is to leave him out of the wedding entirely. Do not talk to him about it. Do not ask him what he thinks. Do not include him in conversations. Tell your daughter to leave him alone as well on this topic. There are other things she can discuss with him like the weather, or whether the bald eagle will wind up endangered all over again now that it has been taken off of the list of protected wildlife. He has proved himself to be utterly useless and upsetting when it comes to a happy event and doesn't deserve to be included at all. He can attend the wedding of course, if your daughter feels like inviting him. Jerkiness should not be rewarded.

Now, your daughter is in great shape. Her aunt has offered her a nice venue for her reception and her future father-in-law plans to pay for a house down-payment, which will be much more useful in the long run than a larger wedding budget. Your daughter, in short, does not need anything tangible from her father and that should give her some power. The only thing he can withhold from her is his affection and he is doing that anyway. She can retaliate by proving that she can be happy without his assistance.

Who knows why your husband is being such a drag, but at this point, the thing to do is to ignore him and let your daughter make her own plans. If your sister is sincere about her offer, take her up on it and have a wonderful time.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:59 AM    <link>

NO INVITATION AFTER SAVE THE DATE?

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I sent out save the date cards for our autumn wedding. Since then, my mom has had a falling out with one of her friends who received a save-the-date. Since people who receive such notices can consider themselves invited to the wedding, are we still obliged to send her an invitation? My mom recognizes that by not inviting her, she has probably burned that friendship bridge, but at the same time doesn't want her to be at the wedding (even though we doubt she'll show up if invited). Any advice?

Thanks,

Emily and Peggy Post We're Not

Dear We're Not,

You've pretty much answered your own question here. A save the date card essentially IS an invitation. Anyone who receives one would expect to be invited to the eventual wedding (or other event) and is likely to be insulted or hurt if denied an invitation.

So, if you don't invite your mother's friend, there is a good chance that friend will be lost to her and to you. If you and she care about this likely outcome, think twice about not inviting her. On the other hand, you know how much rejecting her will cost you, so you're in a position to make a choice with your eyes open.

In any event, there is no reason you have to be hasty with your decision. Surely you won't be sending out your actual wedding invitations for a couple of months, which gives your mother and her semi-friend to either mend fences or truly decide to terminate their relationship, which should make everything all the more clear.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:39 AM    <link>

DON'T CAVE TO BLACKMAILERS

Dear Elise,

I feel I am on brink of causing some major problems. Here is the situation:

My grandmother has taken it upon herself to invite her three sisters, their husbands, and the two people that these great aunts will be staying with to our wedding. From the beginning, we have said we can't accommodate all of these people. My fiance's family is huge, and we had to decide only to invite immediate family (already we are at 80 and this is pushing it).

Anyway, when my grandma gave me the list of these Great Aunts and their addresses, she was obviously expecting some resistance and already had her coat and purse on, ready to walk off in a huff. When I told her nicely we couldn't include these relatives and their friends, she stormed out the door. Later, she called and said that my wedding month is the same month she and her sisters have a reunion and she invited them to the wedding as part of the reunion (Do they have other plans other than "reununionizing" at my wedding? Of course not.) When I continued to tell her we couldn't invite everyone she said: "Well if you still don't want them to come and I have to call them back and tell them this, then I am going to have to go to Arizona for the reunion the weekend of your wedding."

Please help. Am I being ridiculous? How can I give in to my grandma's nonsense now?

Baffled

Dear Baffled,

Your grandmother is not only good at manipulating people, everyone has rewarded her behavior for so long she probably feels entitled to her antics. I can provide some suggestions but I’m going to sound like a sprite from a fairy tale cautioning a desperate heroine (you) because there's one thing you must do: if you want to triumph you must not cave to her will. This will be very difficult.

Really the thing to do is call your grandmother's bluff. If you truly can't have these extended family members at your wedding because it will rock the boat with your future in-laws, you must put your foot down and leave it there. Tell your grandmother that you can't have extra relatives at the wedding. If she threatens to go to Arizona, say: "I'm sorry you won't be able to be at the wedding, but I hope you have a wonderful time at your reunion. Let me know if you change your mind." That is going to be your stock response. Repeat it, particularly the "I'm sorry" part over and over again every time she tries to prod you. If you think you sound stupid, just keep in mind that Alberto Gonzales is employing a similar repetitive technique and has somehow kept his job while sounding like a total moron for several months now.

That is really all you can do, unless you want to invite these extra people. You don't need to explain anything further or make things more complicated or emotional. If your grandmother wants to blackmail you, let her. Surely you'll have a photographer around at your wedding. If you really want to provoke her, tell her you can't wait to show her the pictures (that she won't be in). This is a perfect torment for a narcissist.

Congratulations

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:39 AM    <link>

WEDDING FAVOR ROUND UP

I'm still collecting details about any and all wedding favors, good and bad, so if you've had one that you loved or hated, write to me and let me know what it is.

Do tell.

posted by Elise at 6:35 AM    <link>

CONTROLLING YOUR BOSS?

Hi Elise

I work in a small office (a grand total of 7 people), and I am extremely close with a few people, one of the owners especially. I am not close to the business's other owner. The boss I like has said from the beginning: "Of course I'm going to the wedding, there isn't any reason why we wouldn't." My future husband and I haven't got any qualms with that. But I do have difficulty with Boss B, who takes anything from sneezing, to missing work as an extremely personal offense. Boss B has openly said she is "coming to the wedding." If I can't not invite them how do I word that Boss B who is unmarried, can NOT take a date without World War III taking place?

Thank you!

Small Workplace Woes

Dear SWW

You are probably familiar enough with wedding invitation protocol to realize that if you invite one of your bosses, you'll have to invite the other. You can't choose favorites here and expect to get away with it.

So, if you're prepared to invite both of your employers, how do you handle the problem of "Boss B" probably wanting to bring a date? Blame your family.

IF you are truly having a very small wedding and you aren't allowing anyone to come with a date who isn't already in a committed relationship, you have the perfect excuse. Explain to Boss B that you can't have people bringing dates because you had such space limits and if you don't enforce your policy, the family members who weren't allowed to bring dates will be completely and utterly offended. Once you put it on someone else, it will be harder for your boss to take it personally (not impossible, though).

For this to work, of course, you must be consistent with your plan and really not allow anyone to bring a "guest." If your boss is the only person you deny a date, she will discover it and then you will never hear the end of it. Consider, though, the possible advantages of letting her bring someone. A companion may make her rather more bearable or at least distract her so that you don't have to think about her.

This is your wedding, so you can set up whatever rules work best for you. As long as you treat everyone equally, and not make weird exceptions that look like you're playing favorites you will be in good shape.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:23 AM    <link>

TOO STRESSED FOR A WEDDING?

Dear Elise,

I am supposed to get married in a few weeks, but I can't decide if I should call the wedding off or not. My dad passed away three months ago. We were going to postpone it, but we found out that all of our guests who are coming from abroad had already booked flights and hotels.

Then my mother needed emergency surgery and her recovery has been extremely slow. I'm afraid she has lost the will to live. My finace is from England and another thing that has come up recently has been that his visa is going to take longer than it was originally supposed to. So now not only will my parents not be there it's not going to be official. We are going have to get married for real after his visa is in.

I have been stressed since I started planning the wedding because I have been doing everything myself. I have most everything ready and mostly paid for but I’m still overwhelmed. All of the pressure of this decision is on me and I am beyond depressed about it all. I have been crying all day everyday. My doctor put me on anxiety medicine.

I honestly don't know how to make a decision like this. It feels as if I am going to be sad no matter what.

Sincerely,

Sad Bride

Dear Sad Bride,

You are in an unfortunate position and I'm sorry for the loss of your father and for your mother's illness. It does seem as if everything has come down on you all at once.

Step back for a moment, though and think about your position. You have already done all the work of planning your wedding, so canceling now will only leave you in a situation where you lose all your time and money and put you in a position of having to start again. You want to get married and you are entitled to celebrate even though you have had so much sadness to deal with recently.

Of course, if you truly want to cancel, you are completely at liberty to do so. Your guests will understand. Canceling or postponing a wedding because of death or misfortune is extremely common, so you don't even have to worry about making a decision that seems unusual.

Think about your position, though. Will canceling truly help matters for you? Will you feel better if you do cancel? Even if you have to take your vows again for technical reasons (your fiance's visa), you should know that this is also very common, especially when people get married abroad. Many people have courthouse ceremonies and formal weddings to cover their legal and emotional bases.

Whatever you decide to do is perfectly legitimate, but choosing not to have your wedding will not undo the bad things that have happened. See how you feel and proceed accordingly. You can't really make a wrong decision, as long as you do truly what feels best and healthiest for you.

I'm sorry again that you find yourself in this spot and I do hope you have a happy wedding, whenever you choose to take your vows.

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:23 AM    <link>

HOW TO FILL OUT A RESPONSE CARD

Dear Elise,

What is the correct way to fill out the "accepts or regrets" blank on a response card? Should you write an actual number or is a check sufficient?

Ready to Respond

Dear Ready,

You should neither just fill in a response card blank with a number, nor should you just drop in a check mark. That kind of response is not at all helpful to your prospective hosts.

The point of the card is not only to get a sense of how many people will be attending a wedding, but alo to find out the identities of these guests, so the correct way to fill in that blank is with the names of the people who will be showing up (or not) to the affair.

Consider how confusing it would be for a wedding's hosts to get piles and piles of response cards back with nothing but check marks and numbers on them. They would have a sense that some people would be showing up but no idea of who those people could be.

Just write the names down and don't worry if they don't fit on the one line provided. In the interest of clarity, you can take up some extra space on the card.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:08 AM    <link>

PRESENTS & PRACTICALITY

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I are planning our wedding and have questions about gifts. We were both married before. My fiance is especially conscious of the fact that this is his second marriage while I tend to forget that this isn't my first wedding.

My fiance wants to make it clear that we do not expect wedding gifts. I am fine with this plan but am sure that there will be many who disregard this request, as gift-giving at weddings is deeply ingrained in my family and close circle of friends.

My ultimate goal is to honor my fiance's strong feelings about wedding gifts AND avoid a well-intentioned collection of gifts that we won't use or don't like. My girlfriends are planning a shower for me and have asked about my registry and what I'd like them to tell our guests.

If we participate in parties in our honor apart from the wedding, how should we handle the gift question? Should I create a small registry? What about the bridal shower? Is "no gifts please" plus a registry sending an odd message?

Thanks for the help,

Confused

Dear Confused

Your fiance has nothing to worry about when it comes to second weddings and presents. There are people who don't feel inclined to give presents for second weddings and those who are of that opinion simply won't. Other people only want to give very practical presents for second weddings (reasoning, if that is the right word, that the frivolous sentimental presents are best left for the younger first-wedding set). In your situation, writing "no gifts please" on an invitation is really not helpful since it is understood, in your circumstances especially, that presents are not necessary and are given purely at the whim of one's guests.

(As a general matter, it is awkward to put any information about presents, requests or rejections, on one's invitations. Invitations really should come without any implication that presents are at all in the hosts' control. They rarely are, anyway.)

So, to your questions. If it is easier for you and if you are getting asked about whether or not you plan to have a registry, you should feel free to set one up and just keep relatively quiet about it. If people ask you about your registry, by all means tell them but don't broadcast the details. This will allow you to accommodate the people who live and die by the registry.

If you have a shower, you can't help getting gifts. That is the point of the party. The only way around that is to create a different mandate based on some sort of shower theme. (One example of this would be a recipe shower where guests bring favorite recipes to be compiled into a cookbook/scrapbook in lieu of presents.)

Since you wouldn't be shouting your registry information from the rooftops, you don't have to worry about making people uncomfortable since only the people who want to make use of a registry will ask for it.

Really, this problem you face allows you and your fiance the best of both worlds. Having a registry on the Q.T. will appease your friends and family, while allowing your fiance to keep utterly silent on the topic of presents with the expectation that many people won't offer them since it is his second time at the altar.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:56 PM    <link>

INVITATION LANGUAGE WHEN A PARENT HAS DIED

Dear Elise,

I am the matron of honor in my best friend's wedding. Unfortunatley, her mom passed away recently. Can we somehow indicate on the invitations and announcements that her mother is posthumously requesting people's presence at the wedding?

Concerned Matron of Honor

Dear Concerned,

There is indeed language to accommodate your friend's circumstances. I'm sorry she is forced to use it.

One format your friend could use is the following:

BRIDE'S NAME
daughter of
BRIDE'S FATHER'S NAME and the late BRIDE'S MOTHER'S NAME
and
GROOM'S NAME
son of
GROOM'S PARENTS' NAMES
request the honor of your presence
at their marriage
DATE
TIME
PLACE
R.S.V.P.

This structure avoids the oddness of having an invitation actually coming from the deceased, while ensuring that the bride's mother is acknowledged and honored.

Here's hoping this helps you solve this linguistic difficulty.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:39 AM    <link>

NOTES: News and a Poll Question

I received a letter inquiring if I ever did have that baby I was making threatening noises about last month. Indeed, I am happy to report I had a healthy son of moderate size and he has been making my early morning hours interesting ever since.

This writer also mentioned a poll I did two years ago in which I asked readers to write to me about the best and worst wedding favors they had encountered. (The results were posted on April 13th, 2005.) In the spirit of birth and rebirth, consider the poll open once again.

If you are so moved, please write to me with your best and worst wedding favor experiences and the results will be compiled and posted the weekend of May 18th-19th. Don't hold back-- any vitriol you express could be of invaluable assistance to someone trying to figure out what to do.

And remember, wedding favors are not necessary, so don't complain about the absence of trinkets.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:23 AM    <link>

PRESENTS AND VOW RENEWALS

Dear Elise,

My husband and I eloped over a year ago. We are planning to have a post-wedding party/reception this summer and are thinking of including a short ceremony to renew our vows in front of all our friends and family who were not at our wedding (we were married by a Justice of the Peace at the courthouse with no family or friends present).

Many of my friends and coworkers who are invited to the party are asking if we have registered for gifts. Everything I have read on this subject suggests that vow renewals are not appropriate occasions to expect to receive presents. Is it appropriate for us to register and to let people know when we are asked, or would that look like we are greedy for presents? Help!

Thanks,

Vows x 2

Dear Vows x 2,

In fact your plan is quite reasonable. Vow renewals are a rather recent entry to the nuptial machinery and as a result, people don't know quite what to do about them.

As with elopements generally, it is not right to assume people will give you presents. Some people feel quite strongly about only giving presents to people whose weddings they have witnessed. On the other hand, many people are not only inclined, but determined to give wedding gifts. A safe route to take is exactly what you propose: you can register somewhere and keep that information to yourselves, offering it only to people who ask for it. Do not include registry information in your invitations. Instead let your registry details make the rounds through the grapevine and you'll be on solid ground.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:05 AM    <link>

AN INVITATION FOR EVERY PRESENT?

Hello.

My mother and I are having some disagreements when it comes to my wedding's guest list.

I am from a small town, and my family knows a lot of people. Once our engagement announcement appeared in the local newspaper, we started receiving gifts from acquaintances and my parents' friends. My mom feels that anyone who gave us a present should be invited to the wedding. She is also convinced that because our wedding site is about an hour and a half out of town, that half the people we invite won't actually come. We are having the ceremony in a smallish chapel, and I am nervous about extending the guest list.

Is it necessary to invite someone if he or she gave us a gift, and second, if we do invite extra people, is it rude to have so many people that some will have to stand in the back of the chapel for the ceremony?

One more note- my parents are paying for this entire affair.

Thanks for your help!

Is She Right?

Dear Is She,

Once a wedding has been announced, there is no stopping some people. They simply will give presents even if they have never actually met the bride and groom. They simply want to participate in this way. To a certain extent, these gifts can also be considered "engagement presents" and an end onto themselves, since they are responses to your engagement announcement.

You are not obliged to invite everyone who sends you something, but you can discuss this with your mother and father on a case-by-case basis. They might really feel strongly about inviting some people while others are not so crucial.

They should not assume that people will refrain from attending your wedding because of the 90 minute commute. Some people take that amount of time getting to and from work and wouldn't think twice about this kind of jaunt for a wedding. It would be unwise to invite many more people than your venue can legally hold. As far as standing in the back goes, it depends a bit on your ceremony. If you're having an hour-long mass, that is a bit long to ask people to stand, but if your ceremony is ten or fifteen minutes long, it isn't beyond the pale to have some people standing for it.

In short, compromise. Talk to your parents and see which of these generous folks they really want to invite. Since they are paying for your wedding, your parents deserve to have a say in the guest list, though they must also be reminded of your real physical limitations. Send prompt thank you notes to everyone and keep a close eye on your guest list. You have a firm maximum number of guests your venue can hold, so don't excessively overinvite hoping for the best.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:03 AM    <link>

ACHIEVING CLARITY WITH TWO WEDDINGS

Hello Elise,

When we get married, we'll be having the "real" wedding in the city where we live, but for the sake of traveling friends and families, we'll be having another wedding on the opposite coast. We have a few logistical/invite questions regarding how to go about this.

First, do we put out the feelers to see who is willing to travel so we can plan our guest lists and pick venues accordingly? I have the feeling that this is the only way to avoid booking venues that are either too big or too small.

Second, is the invitation wording. We do not want to imply that the second wedding is less important or fake. Also, since both sets of parents will be contributing, do we have to split up who is contributing where? For example, his parents will be paying for most of the east coast wedding, and mine will be helping with the wedding in our city. Is that even important or can we just say something like, "Along with their parents, Bride and Groom invite you..."

Lastly, even though we may already know who from the guest list is likely to be in what city, can we put a check box on the RSVP, like "M________ (pre-filling in names), __ West Coast City, __ East Coast City, __ Neither."

Bi-Coastal Bride

Dear Bi-Costal,

Yours is a situation where what you chiefly need is some kind of save-the-date communication. Asking people to tell you on the invitation which of two events they plan on attending will be useless to you from a planning perspective since invitations typically go out six to eight weeks before a wedding (which is probably too late for your planning) and, more importantly, one of the required pieces of information on an invitation is that you tell people where they will be going.

So, ideally you'd send out some sort of save-the-date card or email in which you ask people to indicate which event they'll attend. The phrasing is still somewhat tricky. No matter what you do, one of these weddings will take place before the other one, so there is a good chance some people will cling to that notion and want to attend the first one. Others may misunderstand and feel they are being invited to both.

You could send out something that lets your prospective guests know just what you've said. You're having two weddings, one on each coast. Tell people know the dates of the weddings and ask them to let you know which of the two events, if any, they would like to attend. This is the best way for people to understand what you are planning to do and for you to get back the information in a timely way that would be useful to you.

Now, as far as the actual invitation language goes for your later mailing, you can absolutely use the "together with their families" structure, or you can name everyone as in:

Bride's Parents' Names
and
Groom's Parents' Names
Request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their children
Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
Date
Time
Place
RSVP

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:56 AM    <link>

BACHELORETTE STICKER SHOCK

Dear Elise,

I will be a bridesmaid in my brother-in-law's wedding. A few weeks ago, the bride's sister asked the women in the bridal party about our availability for a bachelorette party. I gave her a list of dates when I will be available and then received an invitation to a two-night stay at a spa outside the city where we live. The invite informed us that the cost of the party will be $550 per person, which covers room and board at the spa, as well as the bride's expenses. Spa treatments and transportation will be extra.

I can technically afford this, but it strikes me as extravagant and is certainly more than I would like to spend. I think it's presumptuous of the party organizer to assume that everyone is willing to shell out such a hefty sum. What's your take? Am I wrong to want to bow out? How can I do it without hurting the bride or her sister's feelings? And should I offer to chip in for the bride's spa weekend, even if I don't attend?

Many thanks for your advice.

Penny Pincher

Dear PP,

People are indeed terribly presumptuous when it comes to planning a party. Not very many bridesmaid populations could handle that kind of expense, and it really is a little surprising to be suddenly saddled with a bill in excess of $550 for this bachelorette event. The short answer to your question is "Yes," someone should have talked with you about the party plans and costs before just moving ahead and expecting everyone to be able to pay.

If you are feeling really stuck, you can tell the bride's sister that you are sorry and it isn't in your budget to attend but that you would like to contribute to the bride's expenses. That way your nonparticipation won't increase costs for anyone else while you'll still be able to save a substantial amount of money.

For this to work, you'll have to be gentle about this and diplomatic. Don't over-explain or half-commit to going. If the bride's sister gets stroppy, don't take the bait, just apologize again and say you aren't prepared to spend that much but want the bride to have a good time. Do tell your husband about this, since his brother may contact him if someone decides to make an issue out of it, but really, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. This is a hefty amount to ask anyone to spend and it should be your choice not to have to lay it out.

If you're still feeling weird, write the bride a nice note and maybe give her a treat like a box of chocolates to enjoy while she sits in one of those great spa tubs one hears so much about.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:01 AM    <link>

THE END IN SIGHT

Hi Elise,

My boyfriend of 4 years and I got engaged a few months ago. I have always wanted to get married and have a house and a dog and a baby, but I also want a career and friends and a couple years to be crazy (I only recently finished college). My fiance is 6 years older then I am and never finished college. I think he proposed because he thought I was going to break up with him, and when I saw the ring I was too excited to think about anything else.

EVERY DAY since then I know I have made the wrong decision. The times I have tried to talk to him about it he says he doesn't understand how I don't love him anymore and he cries and I do love him, but I can't be married to him. Part of me thinks it would be easier to get farther into the wedding planning process and then cancel everything. what do you recommend?

Torn

Dear Torn,

The part of you that thinks you should spend your time and money planning a wedding and letting your fiance think that all is well in your relationship is seriously misguided. It is one thing not to know what you want to do, but quite another thing entirely to know that you have to break it off, and decide to string things along anyway.

Really, the longer you wait the more invested he will be in your wedding and the worse you will feel for not being honest about your intentions. Consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed. Wouldn't you rather deal with the pain in a mature way than have the feeling that you were being lead on and encouraged to think about dresses and cakes and venues and family?

The only fair thing to do, if you are sure you want to end this relationship, is to break your engagement sooner than later. You will be sparing everyone pain, embarrassment, money and time.

I'm sorry you are facing this decision. It isn't easy.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:53 AM    <link>

SOME MYSTERIES ARE BEST LEFT UNSOLVED

Dear Elise,

One of my best friends is inviting a "mystery guest" to my wedding. He refuses to tell me who he is inviting, insisting it will be a "surprise." My friend is not known for his tact. I don't want him to invite someone who will mess up my day because he thinks it will be funny. Is it OK for him to bring a surprise guest to my wedding? Am I a jerk for insisting that he tells me who he is bringing?

Hates Surprises

Dear HS,

There are people in this world who live to be surprised, who wait until their babies appear in the world to learn whether they are boys are girls, who hope against hope for surprise parties thrown in their honor. There are others who would rather sink into the center of the earth than be unprepared for anything.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to know what sort of trick this guy has up his sleeve.

So, where does that leave you? Traditional etiquette really has little patience for your friend's brand of whimsy. In fact, traditionally, one would issue invitations only to people whose names one knew (no allowances for "and guest"). Clearly there is much more flexibility now, but the fundamental attitude is actually similar. Even if a friend is bringing a guest, that person should be named on the response card, so that seating charts and place cards can be planned and written out, among other things.

You can absolutely tell your friend that you don't like surprises and don't want them and add that you need to make seating arrangements, which require that you know the identity of his mystery date. If he resists more, lay it on the line and tell him that you think his intentions are less than friendly and say that you really don't want to have to deal with his plan at your wedding. Ask him if he can respect your feelings.

Congratulations and good luck,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:56 AM    <link>

MOTHER HAS HER OWN AGENDA

Hello,

My fiance and I are planning our wedding for 2008. We discussed our plans with my parents and asked if they would be interested in helping financially. My parents offered to pay for our deposit at our dream ceremony, reception and lodging location. Then my mother asked that I invite more people. I gently refused and explained from the beginning that our wedding was going to be non-traditional. I explained that my fiance and I were set on our final guest list and wanted to keep it to a minimum, small and intimate- 57 tops. I also suggested that we compromise and maybe have another party on another date to accommodate all the relatives she and my father want to invite. She got totally offended and took back their deposit money they originally offered and said she would use it to do what her and my father wanted.

When did compromise all of a sudden pay such a negative consequence? For one thing, I do NOT want a separate party that my mother and father will host. Nor do I want to give up my wedding plans and opt for just a court wedding.

Please help with your insight and any feedback. My mother and I haven't spoken since she changed her mind. I do not want things to get any uglier for an entire year.

Mother Won't Listen

Dear MWL,

You've learned the hard way, I'm afraid, that there is no such thing as free money. Cash almost always comes with strings attached, and it isn't unreasonable that this would be the case. Your parents offered to spend a considerable amount of money on your wedding and expected to have some say in your guest list. If you want a situation where you don't have to listen to anyone or take other feelings into account, then you should embrace the idea of paying for everything yourself.

This is not to say that you handled things badly. You made a perfectly reasonable suggestion when you pointed out that your parents could throw a big party after the fact, but there's nothing you can do about your mother deciding that she'd rather spend her money on her party, instead of your wedding. That was a choice you gave her in a way.

So where does that leave you? Of course you can always compromise with your mother, expand your guest list and see if she will go back to the original plan. Alternatively, you can stick to your guns about your guest list size and find a different venue that you can afford without your family's support. Your wedding will be no more or less "independent" if you get married under your most ideal conditions or run off to the Court House, but you do need to consider your parents' feelings as well as your own wishes. It will be impossible for you to secure their financial support without negotiation.

See what you can arrange with your mother. Perhaps a guest list of 80 or 90 in exchange for the wedding you want is a fair trade. Perhaps you'd rather not have to depend on her for money in the long run. Either way, you should start speaking to your mother again. This is a wedding, a happy event, and I suspect not being on speaking terms with your folks will taint your nuptials more than a bunch of extra guests or a less than perfect venue.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:31 AM    <link>

WOULD I BE STEPPING ON A TOE?

Dear Elise,

My office mate is planning a large, lavish and traditional wedding for late summer. My boyfriend and I have always planned to have a spur of the moment elopement followed by a small party with family. On our anniversary, my boyfriend asked if we could run off this summer, and one weekend in particular works beautifully for us.

This weekend is two weeks before my colleague's wedding. We are friendly at work but don't socialize outside of the office and I won't be invited to his wedding or anything, but he has been talking about his wedding for months. I worry that if I show up one day and just announce my marriage that people will think I'm trying to steal his thunder, or that I'll look silly in the eyes of other coworkers. I certainly don’t want to compete. Are our situations different enough and distanced enough for this to not matter?

-Eloping Co-worker

Dear EC,

There are dozens of reason why you have nothing to worry about, but the most fundamental one is this: a wedding is one day. No one gets to reserve a season, nor does anyone get to declare that someone else's wedding should take a back seat because one set of plans requires almost no planning while the other needs months of preparation.

If anyone at your office thinks you seem silly for bopping off to get married so abruptly, the problem is not yours. Eloping is a terrific thing to do and your choice is surely not the business of anyone with whom you work.

Your colleague should also not take your decision personally. You and he are each opting to get married in very different ways, both of which are legitimate, so put those fears to rest as well and go ahead with your Elopement Weekend plans.

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:54 AM    <link>

A STRANGE WAY TO PUT IT

Dear Elise,

I am getting married this summer, and I purchased "Congratulations" cards for my bridesmaid. I want to write something like: "Congratulations, you did it! You made my day magical by being a wonderful bridesmaid, and for that I would like to say thank you." Is a congratulations card wrong?

Tongue Tied

Dear TT,

A "congratulations" card isn't so much "wrong" as it is odd. You're making things too complicated. What you really want to say is "thank you".

"Congratulations" is what one says to people who have new babies, to recent graduates, to friends who have gotten great jobs or who have finally managed to quit terrible ones. "Congratulations" is what one says to someone who has finally decided to extract herself from a horrible relationship or who has managed to finally pass a driver's test. It isn't so much what one says to someone who has made a supreme effort on your behalf.

It isn’t that I don't understand what you are trying to say or that I don't sympathize with your inclination to say it in a way that is less hackneyed than usual, but you're better off just writing a sincere, original note of appreciation. That way there is no room for confusion and your message will arrive intact.

Cheers to you on your impending nuptials.

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:09 AM    <link>

"AND GUEST" FOR WEDDING PARTY

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I are trying to finalize the guest list and we have a question about inviting wedding attendants. Are we supposed to allow single bridesmaids and groomsmen to come with guests?

My fiance believes that it would be tacky to not let members of the wedding party bring guests, which is something I've never heard of, plus, we have the space limitations to think about.

Thanks for your help,

Juggling the Guest List

Dear Juggling,

My first question is whether you're permitting other unattached guests to bring dates. You shouldn't treat your wedding party any differently from the way you would treat your "civilian" guests.

Beyond that, you should follow the general inviting policies: anyone who is married or who is in a committed relationship should absolutely be permitted to attend with his or her partner, and you could even do your friends the courtesy of permitting those who are in much more casual relationships to come with dates.

Your choice here is whether to decide among three possible choices: 1) all unattached guests get an "and guest" option, 2) no unattached guests get the "and guest" option, and 3) only unattached members of the wedding party are permitted the "and guest" option. The third choice is the hardest to explain to the world at large (if the world is asking) but it is not uncommon for people to make all sorts of exceptions for members of the wedding party.

As long as you are consistent, one way or another, you will be on solid ground.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:32 AM    <link>

TURNING DOWN SELF-INVITER

Dear Elise,

I am having a small wedding with a guest list of about 40. One of my sister's close friends told my sister to tell me that "she's definitely attending." I haven't invited her, and frankly, don't have room on the guest list. My sister has reminded me a few times, and since the person in question is going through a few personal problems right now I feel especially bad turning her down. How do I politely pass on the message that there isn't room?

Pressed for Space

Dear Pressed,

This is very strange. Are you close to this woman as well? Did your sister invite her?

There is really only one way to handle it and that is to say that you're sorry if there was a communication problem but you are having a very small wedding and you really can't expand your guest list any more. Tell her you would love to see her after the wedding, but be firm about your inability to add more people.

Don't let your sister or her friend blackmail you by using her problems as a reason why she deserves an invitation to your wedding, UNLESS you really do want to invite her. If that is the case, then all you have to do is add her to the roster of guests and be done with it.

It is true that she was out of line for inviting herself, but you have a choice as to what you will do about it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:09 AM    <link>

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