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Saturday, June 30, 2007

HOW MUCH GIVING IS ENOUGH?

Dear Elise,

My daughter had a destination wedding that her father and I attended. A month later we hosted (and paid for) a reception for the newlyweds where we live.

Are we still responsible to give a gift even though we paid for the bridal gown and accessories, wedding ceremony, and reception? We are rather strapped right now and I don't know what the correct thing to do is?
Sincerely,

Mother of the bride

Dear MOB,

You really don't have to go any further than you already have in terms of presents for your daughter. Really, all of your contributions to the wedding and the post-wedding party are more than sufficient as a testament to how much you love your daughter and are interested in her marriage and happiness.

Of course, this gets at the central question of what the meaning behind the gift-giving tradition really is, and at bottom the present is a gesture symbolizing someone's appreciation and recognition of the wedding and the couple. You have certainly done that. If you feel you need to do more, you could send your daughter and her husband a letter telling them how happy you are for them, find a book that has meant a lot to you or that you think could help them in their new married life, or invite them over for a private celebratory dinner, just the four of you.

Those are all little flourishes that you might make anyway, but you are not required to do any more than you have. You've been very generous.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:08 AM    <link>

TRICKY INVITATION SCENARIO

Dear Elise,

We are having a small morning wedding (family only) that will be followed by an open house (for a much larger guest list) later that day. Because of cost issues, we're planning to order one set of invitations, but two different sets of sets of reception cards: one for those invited to the ceremony and one for those invited solely to the open house and we're having a terrible time figuring out how to word the main section of the invitation that will be sent to both groups.

Our best guess has been to word the first section almost like a wedding announcement: Bride and Groom are happy to announce that they will be married on Date, Month, Year. The enclosed reception cards for family (who are invited to the ceremony) will read: Please join them as they exchange their vows at Time in Place, with an open house to follow at Place. The reception cards for the friends/co-workers/extended family would read: Please join them to celebrate their marriage at an Open House between the hours of Time and Time at Place. After going over it again and again, I'm still not sure if we have it right. I don't want to confuse or insult either group. Please help me figure out the right way to phrase these! I'm at my wits end.

Phrased-Out

Dear Phrased-out,

Given your complicated situation, you might be better off if you skipped the reception cards entirely and just ordered two sets of invitations: one inviting guests to the wedding ceremony with a reception to follow (and include the address of course), the other simply inviting people to the reception celebration/open house.

The reason I say this is that your announcement-style plan is a little confusing. The meat of your messages can be found on your proposed reception cards, so turning those into invitations makes a bit more sense and there's no chance of people claiming not to know what you were thinking because they didn't find the insert or threw it out by accident.

You can of course use whatever language you like for these cards. The traditional format for invitations to a ceremony and reception is like this:

Hosts' Names
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Bride
To
Groom
Date
Time
Place
and afterward at the reception (OR the reception time)
Place
Address
R.S.V.P.

Invitations to the reception only have their own traditional language:

Hosts' Names
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception for
Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
Date
Time
Place
Address
R.S.V.P.

Having said this, your proposed plan is not rude, just potentially confusing and the invitations themselves won't contain much practical information (everything important would be in the reception cards). I do think that you could really simplify matters with two simple invitations and not bother with the whole set of stationery.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:09 AM    <link>

YEP, THEY SOUND HATEFUL

Dear Elise,

A few weeks ago, my husband's parents and his sister and her husband invited us to join them for brunch. The time was specified when we accepted the invitation. When we got there, on time, we discovered that everyone had already finished eating, and the table at which they were sitting did not include seating for my husband and me. They invited us to "pull up a chair" but it was awkward, and we were hurt.

My in-laws have insulted me often over the years, both to my face and behind my back; mutual acquaintances are surprised that I continue to see them, given how rudely they've treated me. Most recently, at a birthday party for one of our nephews, I declined a slice of cake. My father-in-law said: "I should think you wouldn't eat cake, given how fat you are." I was humiliated. I've tried to be a dutiful daughter-in-law for my husband's sake, but I've decided I'm done. I plan to be polite because I was raised right, but I don't intend to spend any more time with those people. My husband has been supportive and has apologized on their behalf, but he says he doesn't think he can change his family's behavior. What do you think? Am I justified? Should I confront them?

Furious

Dear Furious,

Oh yes, it looks like you have indeed contracted a set of unpleasant in-laws. This is unfortunate, but there is nothing you can do about it. Your anger is legitimate, but you can't correct them. Confronting these people will get you absolutely nowhere if they have yet to see that they are being awful or if they are somehow enjoying it.

You are well within your rights to refuse all future dealings with them and you can tell your husband to use this line if your absence is remarked upon: "Why would she want to waste any time with you when you're so hateful to her?"

Now, if you do wind up at the odd event with these jerks, I would suggest a different sort of protest. In the brunch situation, you can easily say hello and then seat yourself elsewhere and order your own brunch or you can say hello and turn around and go spend a nice Sunday without them. Do not sit with these people and try to chat.

If your father-in-law calls you fat, one handy gambit is to say something like: "I'm sorry what did you say?" That question usually shuts people up, but if he repeats himself, just blink at him for a moment as if contemplating his statement and then reply (if, say, you're on the dessert and coffee course, otherwise pick a handy substitute): "Would you please pass the sugar?"

Ultimately, your husband really has the worst deal here. You can always be grateful that these are not your family members.

I'm sorry you're stuck dealing with them, but it looks like your husband was the one prize in a set of duds.

Cheers for your good taste.

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:39 AM    <link>

MARCHING SOLO

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a big amazing wonderful wedding. My father, to whom I was very close passed away a few years ago and my mother remarried. My question is who should walk me down the aisle? It feels wrong and fake to walk with my stepfather, and I have no uncles who I know well enough to feel comfortable with. I have a younger brother, which seems odd and then there is my quirky mother which seems extremely odd. Would it be extremely strange in such a large formal church wedding for me to walk myself down the isle, or would I look lonely and pathetic?

Please help,
The New York Loner

Dear Loner,

Who says you have to walk down an aisle on anyone's arm? Who says, for that matter, that you have to walk down an aisle at all? The aisle and the father as aisle companion are just conventions and you can either embrace them or reject them as you see fit. Different cultures have different traditions, but for the most part these are all flexible and certainly you are in a position to choose what you want to do.

There is nothing odd or weird about any of your potential choices, including being escorted by your mother, but you can also walk alone. How long is this walk anyway? 100 feet? 200 feet? You will be more than fine on your own. Keep in mind that many women skip the father escort because they don't enjoy the whole notion of being given away, so know that you are far from the only woman who has made this trek solo.

Do whatever feels most comfortable and know that you wouldn't be violating tradition or the law doing it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:31 AM    <link>

PUTTING UP THE WEDDING PARTY

Dear Elise,

I just happened across a wedding etiquette detail that I didn't previously know. Apparently the groom should pay for the accommodations of his out of town groomsmen. I had never heard this before. My parents are already footing the bill for one of the groomsmen (my brother), but there are three more. Furthermore, one of them recently was out of work for sometime until recently and the other has been having financial difficulties. What should we do? Would it be terrible to pay for some and not others? What about paying for their tuxedo rentals instead? We are a bit strapped ourselves, but we were the ones who decided to have our wedding where we live, which is a trip for most everyone else and we want to do the right thing.

What Do We Pay For?

Dear What,

People are so used to the wedding party members having to foot all kinds of bills that they assume they need to deal with their own accommodations when actually it is traditional for the bride and groom to either pay for hotels or find obliging friends or relatives to put up the out of town bridesmaids and groomsmen.

Now, this is not always possible. The key in all of this is to treat everyone equally. If you can't afford to put up all of your out of town groomsmen, then don't only pay for the ones you assume need the help the most. That gesture, made with the best of intentions, will be taken the wrong way. People will think you're choosing favorites (instead of helping according to the needs you assume you understand) and it will turn into a nasty tangle.

It would be much better to help out in other ways, by paying for the tuxedo rental, as you suggest, or subsidizing all of the hotel rooms equally.

The problem with all financial niceties is that you can never really know what peoples' needs or limits are because these are all points of pride that they are reluctant to talk about, and that money and presents are always confused with affection and caring, so it will be hard for people to recognize that you want to finance hotel rooms in a need-based way.

Treat everyone equally and you will be in good shape.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:58 AM    <link>

FLOWER GIRL COMES WITH A GUEST LIST

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a very small wedding (for around 20 people). My goddaughter is going to be my flower girl. My mom thinks that we should invite my goddaughter's grandparents, since they live nearby and will want to see their granddaughter dressed up. I don't feel this is necessary. I have only met these people once before and I DO NOT get along with them. They have never met my fiance, and won't know anyone else at the wedding besides my goddaughter's family. My mom on the other hand, thinks that I'm being rude. I have already had to tell dozens of my friends that I can't invite them because of the budget. I don't think that it is wrong not to include this couple. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Troubled Godmother

Dear Troubled,

You don't need to invite your flower girl's grandparents to your wedding. That is the beginning and end of it. This has nothing to do with the fact that you don't care for them, or that your fiance doesn't know them or that they won't know anyone. You have space limitations to consider and you aren't obliged to invite comparative strangers like these people. While you do need to invite her parents, that is where your obligations to your flower girl end.

If these people feel deprived over not getting to see their granddaughter dressed up, she can always put the dress on again and go out for dinner with them. I even suspect you will have a photographer at your wedding. He or she will surely take some pictures of her that can be given to her relatives. You can even tell your mother that you will arrange to have some special grandparent-friendly photos of the flower girl and her parents taken.

Is something else going on with your mother? Is there some other reason she is invested in your inviting these people to your wedding? Those are the larger questions you may want to address with her if she continues to protest aggressively.

There is nothing wrong with telling your mother that you don't have room and that you will arrange for some nice pictures the flower girl's entire family can treasure.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:20 AM    <link>

WAS I LEFT OUT?

Dear Elise,

I have been engaged to a wonderful man for a year, we are planning our wedding for next year. My fiance's cousin is getting married this year and recently sent an invitation to my fiance's parents addressed to "Mr and Mrs Smith and family". My fiance assumes this means that I am not invited.

Does the wording of this invitation exclude me? Surely as a couple we should have received our own invitation? Also this couple will definitely be coming to our wedding so for me to not be invited to theirs is surely very rude. I was also looking forward to the wedding because I have not met this side of the family before. I suspect his parents also assume I am not invited, I am wondering if part of the issue is that it is an interstate wedding and involves airfares and hotels. I would of course be prepared to pay my way. Do you think this is reasonable?

Thank you for your advice

I Think I Was Excluded

Dear Think,

I'm afraid invitation tradition will not help you here, since the "and family" invitation was mishandled here to the point where you really only have one course of action to take: someone must contact your potential hosts and ask them who they mean to invite.

Traditionally, "and family" notations mean to invite all relatives living under one roof. This means that parents and children and grandparents and various family members who happen to be living together are included in one invitation. If your fiance is not living with his parents still, he is not technically covered by this invitation.

You might argue that I am being fussy, but so is your fiance if he thinks the invitation doesn't include you. It very well might not, but if you were to take it at face value, it doesn't include him either (unless he has yet to move out, which your note implies is not the case). Someone, your fiance or one of his parents, will have to call the hosts or the wedding couple themselves to see what they're thinking. Simply asking is not rude. Presuming is.

I should add that wedding invitations are not necessarily reciprocal. Being invited to someone's wedding does not mean that you must return the invitation. People are faced with all manner of guest list limits. If there is an oversight here, it would be in not inviting both halves of an engaged couple, not in some invitation tit for tat.

This mystery does not have anything to do with airfares and hotel rates. It is very possible that you have been excluded (though a little odd, given that engaged couples are generally invited to weddings as a unit), but the only way to get to the bottom of this tangle is to inquire.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:25 AM    <link>

BRIDESMAID PUTS ON THE BRAKES

Dear Elise,

About a year ago, my old friend from grammar school got engaged. We have kept up an on-and-off friendship over the last 15 years. Out of what I can only suspect is nostalgia, she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids and I agreed. Now that the wedding is coming up, I am feeling very overwhelmed. I am starting law school in August and her wedding is in September. She wants me to be there for events starting on a Thursday through the post-wedding Sunday Brunch. The festivities will all be in another state.

I am content to go from Friday to Sunday, and feel that is reasonable, but am very anxious about having to skip school for Thursday. On top of that, her maid of honor just informed me of 3 separate bachelorette/bride parties, two of which would require that I travel on two separate weekends. I don't feel like I can handle the traveling because of time and money constraints, and to be perfectly honest, I just don't feel like we are close enough for me to put in that much extra effort. I realize I sound like a downer but I'm feeling very stressed about it and beginning to feel resentful and even being asked to be in the wedding. Again, I am happy to be there for the three days of the wedding and participate in those events, but do I have to go to the other events?
Thanks for your advice,

Sad to be a Bridesmaid and Hating Weddings

Dear Sad,

Of course this all makes you uncomfortable. On top of enormous changes in your own life, you are being asked to make enormous commitments of time and money. Now is your moment to really come to terms with what you can and can't do for your friend's wedding. While your feelings are understandable, keep in mind that being angry with your friend and dismissing your friendship with her is a little unpleasant. She only asked; you're the one who took the job.

It is fundamentally nice that your friend asked you to be in her wedding party and the best thing you can do for your situation is to speak to her about your abilities as soon as possible. This is a conversation you should have in person or over the telephone. Don't try to handle things electronically (in email or instant message or text messages or anything like that). You will need to have the benefits that only direct dialogue can provide.

Tell your friend exactly how much you can do. If you can attend wedding events on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and absolutely nothing else, let her know. You should also tell her you would understand if she didn't feel comfortable with you staying in the wedding party at all, since you won't be participating as much. Having said that, after you tell her what you can do and if she accepts your terms, it would not be fair for you to be sullen or angry after that (privately not being in the mood is another story- inconvenient travel even for the best of reasons is annoying, but be quiet about it). You will have to live with whatever you tell her you can commit to doing.

Have this conversation soon and then talk to the other bridesmaids about your inability to participate. It is perfectly fair for you to absent yourself but communicating early is key: you don't want the other bridesmaids to have to absorb a lot of extra costs or having to donate a lot of extra time as a result of your bowing out.

Your friend didn't invite you to be a bridesmaid in hopes of inflicting some rare torture upon you. It is a friendly, happy gesture. Remember that as you pull back. What you want is legitimate, but you must be kind and gracious about it to avoid hurting feelings.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:03 AM    <link>

UNMENTIONABLE

Dear Elise,

My cousin was supposed to get married a few months ago. Since her branch of the family lives out of state, we received save the date cards long ago and several of us were going to try and fly out to be there. We never received invitations. My mother found out through another relative that my cousin had called the wedding off. We of course support her, but the oddness is that she never informed anyone that her wedding was cancelled.

Further, the relative that told my mother said that "no one is supposed to know" and that my cousin's mother and grandmother weren't going to make any calls because "it is her problem." Obviously everyone figured it out when the invitations didn't arrive, but now I don't quite know how to deal with my cousin. We were just beginning to get close so I can't ask her about this directly, plus its none of my business, but I feel odd resuming our email correspondence as if nothing ever happened. Do I vaguely mention the cancellation and express my sympathy, or am I supposed to pretend none of this ever happened?

Confused Cousin

Dear Confused,

While canceling a wedding is certainly no one's idea of a grand time and it can be embarrassing, there is really no reason for your cousin and her family to be so ostrich-like about it. Sticking their heads in the sand is only going to create weird situations like the one you find yourself in and make everyone uncomfortable.

This isn't part of your question but I do feel obliged to say that save the date cards are very much like invitations, and since they encourage people to do things like purchase airplane tickets and take vacations, it is important to let everyone know if the nuptials have been canceled. Your cousin will be lucky if, come her wedding-date-that-was, there isn't a sudden influx of people who were supposed to be guests to her hometown because they bought tickets they couldn't easily ditch.

Anyway, not mentioning a canceled wedding and treating it as if it were some secret shame is absurd. What are your relatives thinking? Everyone knows about it, and everyone will be wondering about it. It will be the proverbial "elephant in the room" and saying absolutely nothing will just make them seem weird. By the way, all they needed to say is one single sentence (or a variation on this theme): "I'm sorry, but the wedding will not be taking place." No explanation is necessary.

For your part, you don't deserve any details or information but you can absolutely acknowledge that something happened, but you can certainly say, either out loud or in your correspondence, that you realize the wedding was canceled and you hope your cousin is doing well in the wake of what had to be a hard time. That is the beginning and end of it. If she wants to discuss it, she can pick up on your opening. If she doesn't want to talk about it, all she has to do is thank you for thinking about her.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:14 AM    <link>

LEAVE THEM ON OR SLIP THEM OFF?

Dear Elise,

What is the appropriate way for a single woman to sunbathe with her married best friend and her friend's husband? Should the single woman (with 40D measurements) take her straps off to not get tan lines or wait until only women are around?

Very Christian Families

Dear VCF

Surely your question answers itself. Etiquette's bottom line is that if there is a chance of making anyone uncomfortable, you should not embrace it. This would be the test regardless of your cup size.

Besides, what if your bag gets snatched while you're lounging in the sun. Would you be able to jump up and tackle the thief without embarrassment?

I know there are people who would say that for the sake of your health, you shouldn't be sunbathing at all, but that, really, is not the point. Christian or other, D-cup or A, male or female, if you suspect that baring too much will make you or your friends feel weird, you should refrain or wear something different.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:13 AM    <link>

PIQUE CANCELS WEDDING?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are thinking about calling off our wedding due to issues with the family.

After getting engaged, my fiance and I planned to elope. Geographically, our friends and family are all over the place, and after some serious research and discussing, we decided it was the best option.

However, everybody in the family (and some of our friends) convinced us we were doing the wrong thing, and guilted us for several months. We finally gave in and planned an intimate gathering (50 people) in my home state. $15,000, and tons of stress and hard work later, nearly a quarter of the people on our guest list have declined our invitation. I am more than frustrated with the outcome. The wedding is soon, and I know that several of our guests have purchased plane tickets. The invitations have gone out. Is it too late to call things off?

Mad

Dear Mad,

Of course you can cancel your wedding. It is your prerogative, though I can't tell you what sort of fallout there will be. I don't know if your guests have purchased nontransferable nonrefundable tickets. I don't know if you can get your deposits back. I don't know if canceling your nuptials will save you anything financially or improve your humor. Calling everything off means you will have to have endless conversations about your decision in which you will either tell the truth and inspire spats with your friends and family, or hedge on the explanation, which will leave everyone wondering about the state of your relationship. That can be annoying.

What I can say is that you, for whatever reasons, decided to have a wedding and issued invitations, which can always be declined. Is it reasonable to punish all the people who have decided to attend your wedding because you're angry at the people who won't be there? What do you gain?

Truly, this decision is up to you. If you cancel the wedding, you and your fiance will have to call all of your guests to let them know that the wedding is off. If you feel that strongly about calling it off, and you're up for it, go ahead. If, on the other hand, you're angry with the people who won't be showing up but happy that others want to be at your wedding, have a wonderful time and don't hesitate to tell the rest of the crowd that they missed something fabulous.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:49 AM    <link>

AISLE DRAMA

Dear Elise,

I am sick to my stomach on an issue regarding my son's upcoming wedding.

My son's girlfriend told the priest what a horrible father she has and the priest has decided that he does not want the father to walk her down the aisle.

Since she has decided to walk herself down the aisle, she has also decided that my son w can no longer walk me down the aisle because she didn't want to start any trouble with her family.

Why am I being punished? I didn't do anything. I am extremely upset. I don't want to tell my son how this bothers me because I don't want him to have to side with his mother instead of his wife to be.

This is bothered me so much I have thought about not even attending the church ceremony.

I would appreciate if you could shed on light on what I should do. I in no way want my son to be upset with me.

Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

It is remarkable how people will just seize authority when they aren't invited. It is hard to tell where to begin in this little mess, except to say that the one thing you can do that would absolutely cause this whole situation to escalate into disaster is to boycott the wedding. That gesture is needlessly attention grabbing, would not get you what you want, would surely ensure that everyone would be angry at you and make all parties thoroughly miserable.

This is not the moment to make big statements, unless you want everyone to gang up on you for being a pill.

Now, for some clarification:

First, the officiant is not the person to decide which people get to walk down the aisle. It isn't his or her job. Now, it is possible that your future daughter-in-law doesn't want her father in the ceremony and is using the officiant as a convenient excuse (and by the way, it is unlikely that her family will simply not notice her decision to exclude her father from the aisle-walk, so her efforts to avoid trouble will probably fail).

Second, your son should be the one to decide whether you walk down the aisle or not. Keep in mind that there are plenty of extremely loving children who don't have anyone walk them down aisles. This is not a required element in any wedding ceremony. If your son and his fiancee escort themselves down the aisle no one would think for an instant that you were being punished. Really, if you think about it, you aren't being punished. You're like the people in gym class who have to do extra push-ups because some jerk refused to run a lap on the track. It isn't fair, but that's the sorry part of being part of a community.

Now, what can you do? Can you re-imagine the circumstances and think about them in terms doing your son a huge favor? You're right that your son doesn't want to have to do battle with his fiancee over this, or create unpleasantness with her family. Someone in this mess should be able to be mature and clearly your future daughter-in-law, the officiant and to some extent your son are not doing so well in this department, so if you step up, you'll be helping everyone.

A walk down an aisle shouldn't take more than two minutes. Is it really worth getting so deeply bent out of shape over 120 seconds of your life? Here is your opportunity to be gracious and graceful. Seize it and as you smile sweetly to yourself, be silently glad that no one is benching you for bad behavior (the way the father of the bride was).

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but in the spirit of paving the way for future happiness, you should probably let this one go and tell your son you want to make sure you get a dance with him instead.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:10 AM    <link>

GIFT BASICS

Dear Elise,

Are "reception only" invitees expected to give a wedding gift?

Curious

Dear Curious,

Your single sentence question is actually rather complicated but the short answer is: Yes, sort of.

In circumstances where people have enormous public weddings and private receptions, guests who are invited to the reception are expected to give presents while those who are invited to the ceremony only are not expected to give gifts.

Having said that, gift giving is optional in the first place. Of course it is common practice to give presents to the wedding couple, but at the center of this practice is the sense that the gift recognizes the wedding. If you can't afford a big present, you can always give something small or you can write a letter that lets the bride and groom know how much you appreciate that you were included in their wedding and that you wish them the best.

See what you can do and what you feel like doing and proceed accordingly. As long as you make a sincere gesture, you're on solid ground.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:04 PM    <link>

SLOPPY INVITATION

Dear Elise,

I recently received my invitation to my stepbrother's wedding. He and his fiancee's parents had been arguing about whether his siblings and stepsiblings could invite guests: he wanted to invite my fiance and they did not want to include any guests for any siblings. (I am the only one of the eight siblings/step-siblings who is in a long-term relationship and my fiance is not a random date.)

I was relieved when I heard that the issue had been resolved, and that my fiance would be personally invited. When I received my invite, however, I noticed that my fiance was not mentioned on the outer envelope (we live together), and the inner envelope has my name "and guest" on it. The RSVP card makes things more awkward because it does not have a place for me to indicate that he will be attending! It only allows space for my name, and "will/will not attend" lines. My fiance is hurt, and I don't dare mention this to my step-brother, because I would hate to create any more friction between him and his future in-laws, especially so close to the wedding. How do I indicate that my fiance will be attending? There is empty space inside the card, but I worry that they won't see it if I write it in there. Should I just write it in underneath on the front? Somehow, that seems impolite, like I'm being overly insistent.

Thank you,

Irritated by Our Invite

Dear Irritated,

Well this is certainly irritating, but your best bet is to overlook whatever foolishness, whether it is stupidity or spaciness, led to this weird invitation.

As far as the envelopes go, while it is odd that the hosts didn't address them to both members of your household, it is possible that they don't actually know your fiance's full name, which is why you wound up with something addressed to you and to you "and guest". It is actually standard format in "and guest" situations to address the outer envelope to the person whose identity is known and then include the "and guest" notation on the inner envelope. This doesn't really excuse the fact that they don't know your fiance's name, but it could explain why your invitation showed up looking the way it did.

Regardless, you were invited to bring a guest, your finance.

As far as the response card goes, you can always squash your fiance's name in on the same line as the one your name is on, you can add it in a margin, or you can skip sending the response card and handle things the old-fashioned way by writing a note yourself where you say simply that you and your fiance accept with pleasure the invitation to the wedding.

It is annoying that your hosts are so dopey or oblivious but it isn't worth rocking the boat over. They are probably hoping you'll just write it in on the response card. There's no reason to drag this issue out. Your best bet is to ignore their oversight and proceed knowing that your fiance was invited, and have a good time.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:07 AM    <link>

THE TENDER PRACTICE OF RESIGNING

Dear Elise,

One of my close friends asked me to be her maid of honor and at first I was delighted! I helped her pick out her wedding dress, threw her an engagement party, and have consoled and encouraged appropriately. Unfortunately, recently she decided to do several things to degrade our friendship and has made serious breaches of etiquette. Because of her total disregard of our friendship, and lack of desire to smooth things over, I must resign my post as maid of honor. I was hoping you could help me design a very polite letter of resignation. The whole situation has made me very sad, but I want to handle it with class, and have never been the type to say things out of anger that I will later regret. Please help!

Disappointed Maid

Dear Disappointed,

If you write a letter, the chances are that you will wind up resigning not only your post, but your friendship as well. Is this your intention? If it isn't, consider having a conversation with your friend or former friend, the bride.

Opening up a dialogue will let her recognize and respond to the ways in which she has really hurt you, whereas a letter will be a one-sided kiss-off. Should you decide to talk to the bride, call her or meet her and lay it on the line gently. Say simply that you can't do the job any more. Tell her that the things that have gone on between you make you unable to continue to be her maid of honor and that you are sorry. This will give your friend an opening, a chance to make amends and perhaps salvage the friendship if not your participation in her wedding.

On the other hand, if you are truly too angry to speak to her and want nothing more to do with her ever again, you can put pen to paper. Again, the best approach is to be direct but calm. You don't want to start an argument. You want to put everything to bed. So, say simply that it is clear that neither of you is happy with the current arrangement and that you have decided you have to resign your post as maid of honor. Tell her that you wish her all the best but that you don't feel you can continue being her maid of honor after everything that has happened.

That's it. That is all you need to say. Be polite, don't point fingers or dredge up old arguments. That will only keep your battles alive. All you want is to get out with your dignity intact.

So your choice here is either to send a note that will probably definitively end everything or have a conversation where you give the bride a chance to see what she's about to lose (not just her maid of honor but a close friend) and take some action to clean up the mess she made.

I’m sorry you got stuck in this situation.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:05 AM    <link>

OK TO SEND INVITATIONS?

Dear Elise,

My son graduated this week and I didn't send out invitations because we were not certain he would graduate. Now that he has, I would like to give him a party and send out invitations for that. My mom feels this is tacky. Is it bad taste to do this? I would like for him to be rewarded for his efforts and I don't want to invite people by word of mouth.

Proud Mother

Dear PM,

Your mother is mistaken. Of course you can have a party and of course you can print up invitations if you like. An invitation is a nice thing and you are justifiably proud of your son. Throw a party and invite anyone you like. I could add here that many people would much prefer attending a party than they would a long graduation ceremony. That is just a question of preference though.

The one thing you should absolutely not do at all, ever, is solicit presents on an invitation. None of your guests should be obliged to come to the party bearing anything more thank congratulations for your son. That fear might be what is making your mother nervous. The solution is easy: don't breathe a word about gifts on your invitations.

Have a wonderful time and congratulations to your son and to you.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:13 AM    <link>

HANDLING A WILD CHILD

Hi Elise,

My fiance has a daughter from a previous relationship, and I'm wary about including her at the wedding. The child is a hellion, and I'm envisioning her swinging from the rafters during the ceremony screaming, "Daddy, Daddy" as I walk down the aisle in all of my fabulousness. I'm also having an evening wedding and reception, and she will only be 4 by our wedding date, so a lot of the event will be after her bedtime.

When I asked my fiance how he thought she would behave, he informed me that he didn't know. He says he's okay with her not being there because she'll more than likely not remember it, but for his sake I think she should be there. If we don't include her I know I'll be perceived as the "evil stepmother" (by the way, there are no other children invited).

So, should I smile and allow his daughter to do her thing during the wedding (the only person the child is comfortable with is her grandmother who will be performing the ceremony (her mother will not be there), OR should I have her duct taped to her chair? My fiance is not sure how she'll act with another family member, or if she'll stay seated seeing her dad and grandmother standing at the altar. How should I handle this?

Worried About His Kid



Dear Worried,

How you handle this will have serious implications that extend well beyond your wedding. You are, I take it, marrying your fiance for the long haul and this means that as his daughter gets older she will become more and more aware that she was excluded from your wedding to her father. This will surely be something with which you would have to contend. Do you want to have to deal with it? Why doesn't your fiance have a stronger opinion and why doesn't he have any ideas about how to handle his daughter?

Now, this child might very well be truly devilish, but if you decide she should be at your wedding (and you can see that I think you should include her), you have time to work on her. There is no reason why you can't start immediately and enlist a friend or family member who will be at the wedding to spend some time with her before the fact and serve as her babysitter at the ceremony. (It may be the case that she needs to go home with a babysitter or to her mother's house for the reception if it is a late affair.) You could even hire one of her regular babysitters (if she has one) for the evening to see that she has someone she can count on who will give her the attention she needs while policing her behavior. There is nothing preventing you from taking the matter in hand sooner than later.

What you should not to is wring your hands, include your fiance's daughter and wait for her to misbehave. You are in a position to do a lot to control the situation now, so take advantage of the time. On top of assigning someone she knows to take care of her, you and your fiance can work with her on making her behavior better for short intervals. (How long is your wedding ceremony really going to be? If you're having a long ceremony, you may consider seating her with the guardian you have picked for her near a door so she can be escorted out if she gets horrible.) Alternatively, you could include her in the ceremony so she is consistently under the watchful gaze of both her father and her grandmother.

This little girl is going to be part of your life withyour fiance and excluding her from your wedding may make for a slightly prettier, possibly quieter ceremony, but it will not serve you well in the future at all. Invite her to her father's wedding if it is at all possible and take steps in advance to safeguard your wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:11 AM    <link>

COWORKER INVITES HERSELF

Dear Elise,

I am getting married in 2008 and currently work part time in a small office. I've been there for almost 4 years. I am trying to have a small wedding but recently I had a conversation with one coworker about keeping in touch after I leave this fall. She ended the conversation with something like "At least I know I'll see you at the wedding." I was in shock because she and I never even hung out outside of work and I didn't know what to say but smile and laugh it off.

What is the etiquette on inviting coworkers? By the time we get married I will have been out of the office for a year already. Do you think they'll forget about it or do I actually have to tell them my plans on having a small wedding before I leave? Also, I'm planning on inviting 1 person who I’m friendly with outside of the office and one person who used to work there. I feel like it's hard to have a small wedding without people's feelings getting hurt. Also the wedding is so far from now, who knows who I'm going to be friends with by then.
Thanks for your help.

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

Actually, having a small wedding is an excellent way to avoid hurting people's feelings when it comes to invitations. Intimate affairs give you the perfect, honest, inoffensive response to any self-inviter: "I'm sorry, we are having a really tiny wedding. I wish we could invite everyone we love, but we'd love to get together with you and have [dinner, drinks, whatever you please] to celebrate."

Now it is certainly presumptuous for your colleagues to go around inviting themselves to your wedding, but now that it is happening, you would be wise to have a little plan of action. Don't talk too casually about your nuptials at work, otherwise people can unconsciously assume that they're going to be included, since they're so aware of all the behind the scenes activity. Then do not, under any circumstances, put invitations on co-workers' desks. Mail all wedding information to your friends' houses. Finally, encourage the few people you are inviting to be discreet about your wedding. Let them know you aren't inviting many people from the office and say you don't want to generate any ill will.

Those are your responsibilities. After you've taken these actions you're in the clear.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:12 AM    <link>

BREAKING THE NEWS ABOUT ELOPEMENT

Dear Elise,

My family story is incredibly complicated. My parents are extremely catholic and strict; my sister hasn't spoken to me in 10 years (not for lack of me trying to connect); my two brothers are nice but distant; and I am the black sheep. I am very spiritual but abhor organized religion.

My fiance and I plan on getting married in the next year or so. Because of my family dramas and the knowledge that my parents will raise holy hell if we do not have a traditional catholic wedding; we already know that we are going to elope. We know his family will understand.

I know there's no great way to tell my family, but is there any way to soften the blow? I want to find other people who have eloped and ask them how they told their families and what their parents' reactions were. Do you have any advice for someone who doesn't want to hurt anyone, but who wants to honor herself and her future husband with what we really want?

Signed,
Trying to be Free

Dear Trying,

You could ask 100 couples about how they told their families about their elopements and you will get 100 completely different stories, some of which will be happy, others of which will be utterly miserable. The one thing that is absolutely certain, though, is that everyone survived. I suspect the number of people who have died or suffered tremendous physical setbacks due to an elopement is very, very small.

In your case, you might do well to give your parents a chance (one they will surely blow, but a chance nonetheless) to act like adults. If you tell them that you have decided to elope before the fact you will be demonstrating that you trust them and are willing to have a conversation with them about your decision. Even if the exchange consists of their yelling at you, you can always end the dialogue by saying: "This is why I have decided to elope. I love you but I don't want to fight with you about my beliefs." You may have to repeat this a number of times.

Whatever you do, do not fight with them. You already know that they won't like your choice, so the thing to remember is that you are showing them a lot of respect by letting them know about your plans in advance and that you are willing to listen to them even if you aren't going to follow their wishes at all. Their feelings may be hurt. They may try to hurt you in return, but if you keep repeating that you love them and care about them, you can know that you are on the side of the angels.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:43 AM    <link>

AISLE ORDER

Dear Elise,

Please help. My daughter is the "significant other" of the groom's father. The mother of the groom will be at the wedding as well. Should my daughter be escorted down the aisle before the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom? She doesn't want to do anything that is not correct

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Hmm. This seems like a big tangle but really, your daughter's instinct not to want to ruffle anyone's feathers is one she should follow. Keep in mind that traditional church processions tend to include only the wedding party, the bride and her father (the groom and his best man usually enter with the officiant). Different cultures have different patterns for walking down the aisle, of course and while some folks create intricately choreographed processions, other people forego aisle-walking altogether, so the best thing your daughter can do is not to assert herself or her wishes in this event.

In all likelihood, if the groom's mother feels quite strongly about walking down the aisle, she will want to make this walk and be seated before your daughter. This is perfectly legitimate since she is, after all, the mother of the groom. The same reasoning applies to the mother of the bride as well. Now, your daughter may be escorted down the aisle with the groom's father, her boyfriend, after the others or it may be that she is asked if she can be escorted down the aisle by an usher, separately. Many permutations are possible, but your daughter must try not to get sucked into any dramatics.

This, fundamentally, is not her wedding so she should resist as much as she possibly can, the impulse to feel slighted or ignored or mistreated. She is wading in complicated familial waters and the last thing she should want to do is stir the pot and make people angry at each other. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter how or with whom she gets down the aisle and to her seat. She should let the bride and groom sort out a plan and go with the flow.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:12 AM    <link>

LATE LATE INVITES

Dear Elise,

My wedding is in two weeks. It will be a smallish, gourmet vegan affair with about 50 guests.

When we started planning, composed our guest list nearly a year ago and most of our guests are coming from out of town. We have since made friends in our area and recently I've felt that it would nice to invite other vegan families we know to our wedding, not only because we've grown closer, but also because I want to share our vegan feast with folks who would really appreciate it, as well as show my appreciation for the friendships that have developed.

Logistics don't matter - we can afford it, the caterer is expecting to feed as many as 70, the sites and rental companies can accommodate. We are not registered except for a charity (so this isn't about getting more gifts). Is there any way to graciously invite them without making them feel like afterthoughts? I seriously don't think they'd be offended at the last minute thought, but I am really unsure if this should be attempted.

Thanks in advance for a prompt reply!
Doh

Dear Doh,

You seem to know your crowd pretty well and that is what counts for most when it comes to your question. Traditionally, a second wave of invitations can be sent to a "B-list" of potential guests two-and-a-half to three weeks before the required R.S.V.P.-by date, but you are talking about an even shorter time frame. The short answer is: invite anyone you like, but be careful about inviting people if you sense they are they type who may be offended

On the one hand, invitations are compliments, and you are genuinely excited about the prospect of hosting all of these friends at your wedding. The flip side of this, and the reason why late invitations are traditionally frowned upon, is that your friends may feel that they were on some kind of secondary list of people you don't like as much as everyone else and that you just need filler. You know best whether your friends will be offended or whether you want to take any chances.

If you decide to invite everyone, take a few minutes to write quick notes to your friends to send with the invitations, saying that you understand this missive comes at short notice but that you are excited to have them come to your wedding and reception. Don't make any mention of gifts or your charity registry. People will figure out what they want to do, present-wise on their own and no one should automatically assume a wedding invitation is part of a large-scale gift grab plot anyway.

I would say, if you're willing to embrace some skepticism, you won't hurt anyone by inviting some guests late, especially if you're having a relatively informal affair to begin with. Some people will wonder why you didn't speak up sooner, but that is something you can deal with if the issue arises.

Trust your instincts.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:14 PM    <link>

WE DON'T WANT THE SAME THINGS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have briefly discussed gift registries. We have talked about items that we both individually need, for example, he needs a keyboard/piano and I need an easel and a light table. How would it look to our guests if we registered for gifts that are not for both of us or for our home?

-Registry Confusion

Dear RC,

Do you think your guests will be less likely to entertain your desires if the items you pick are not obviously meant to serve both of your needs? Think twice.

In the first place, happy marriages exist because both parties are happy and mutually fulfilled. If that can be achieved through your having an easel and your fiance getting a keyboard, that is perfectly fair. Many people register for crockpots and frying pans. It is not necessarily the case that both halves of the wedding couple are interested in cooking (though I suppose an argument could be made that the non-cook is often the recipient of tasty items the cook produces).

Really, you should register for the items you want, but keep in mind that plenty of guests will find presents for you that have nothing to do with your registries. A registry makes no mandates, it merely suggests. There is plenty of opportunity for you to be surprised by what arrives at your doorstep.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:51 AM    <link>

WHAT DO I SAY?

Dear Elise,

We called off the wedding and told all of our friends and family. Now what do I say to my co-workers and the bosses who have all been really nice throughout? I have to see them every day and am dreading having to tell them. How do I handle it?

Called It Off

Dear CIO,

Calling off a wedding is a drag no matter what, even if it is ultimately a good thing that the marriage didn't happen. You are entitled to feel lousy and uncomfortable.

It may not be that "love means never having to say you're sorry," but a canceled wedding never means having to explain yourself to people with whom you aren't intimate. When you go back to your office just tell people that the wedding is off. If anyone asks, you can simply say that things didn't work out. People may crave the dirt and prod at you for further explanations but you don't owe them anything more than you're willing to volunteer. We may live in a tell-all age but you don't have to stoop to the level of afternoon chat shows.

Don't feel guilty about withholding information. You're doing everyone a favor by shrouding yourself in mystery by giving them something to think about. Whatever they imagine will surely be more novel than the actual events and you can keep your personal life private.

I'm sorry you're faced with this, but if you keep your chin up and remember that discretion really holds a lot of charm, you'll weather this tempest.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:50 AM    <link>

WHAT TO DO WITH A SULLEN MOTHER

Dear Elise,

My Mum and I aren’t having the best time over my wedding. She is in the UK and I am in New Zealand (my groom is Kiwi and we currently live here). Sometimes I feel really guilty and selfish that I am "making" my parents come all this way to my wedding as they’re not great travelers. I phone my Mum every week and sometimes she is fine and sometimes she can be really distant. I am mainly worried about the wedding though – I am worried she won’t have a good time and this will affect me (now I do sound selfish!). She is quite shy and won’t know hardly anybody, as many of my relatives can’t make it. A typical conversation would go like this "We’ve been invited to So-and-so’s graduation party but of course we won’t know anyone there, SIGH, I don’t really know why we’re going." Any tips?

Good Daughter

Dear GD,

You aren't being overly demanding by inviting your mother to your wedding. That is the first thing you must acknowledge and accept. You aren't getting married as an aggressive gesture towards your parents. This is a happy thing, and you must always keep this in the front of your mind.

Now, if you want to improve your feelings about having your parents come to see you in New Zealand, perhaps you need to rethink your approach to your parents' visit. What will you do with your parents while they're abroad with you? Could you make some plans just for them that they will enjoy? Can you tell your mother about your wedding details in your weekly phone calls or through email so that she feels included and kept in the loop? Really, what you want is to keep communicating with your parents. They will feel better if they think you care about their opinions, and if you make it a point to spend some time with them on your own (or with your fiance), they can't complain about being neglected.

After that, you've done everything in your power to make them happy. Some people simply want to complain and are in fact fulfilled by constant laments. Your mother may have a touch of this personality quirk and there is nothing you can do about it. Plan ahead, welcome them, take care of them and then you are free to celebrate your wedding without having to harbor any guilt about your traveling parents. You have no gun to their heads. This should be their pleasure as much as it is yours.

Congratulations,

posted by Elise at 7:41 PM    <link>

HIDEOUS GUEST

Dear Elise:

I recently attended a bridal shower at which one of the guests behaved very badly indeed. She badmouthed the bride-to-be to the other guests, complained that the bride-to-be didn't spend enough one-on-one time with her, accused other guests of being cruel and neglectful towards her over the years, collected phone numbers from people in order to further harangue them

It was really something. Anyway, it's not my wedding and not my business, but just out of curiosity, if someone shames herself in such a way at the shower, is the couple still obligated to invite her to the wedding? I know that traditional etiquette demands that all shower guests be invited to the wedding, but I'm wondering if there's an insanity clause.

-Curious

Dear Curious,

This woman sounds like a one-woman sideshow and I can imagine she would provide a certain kind of entertainment at any event: wedding, baby shower, high school graduation, bar mitzvah, you name it.

But she is indeed toxic. I think the easiest way to handle this sort of scenario (barring cutting this woman out of their lives completely, which is a fair choice but not one everyone wants to make) is to confront her in a neutral time and place. This should not be at a party or surrounded by the people she is harassing. That would only inflame the lunatic further. The bride (or groom or both) should meet their toxic friend, tell her directly that her behavior was unfortunate and left the impression that she doesn't care for their wedding, and then ask her if she would rather not attend the wedding.

This way the "friend" has been warned. The onus is on her to improve her behavior or not and the bride and groom don't have to make a big gesture that terminates the friendship unless they want to. If she proves to be appalling at the wedding itself, they can always have her removed from the premises. They can't lose, really, though there is always the mystery of why she was doing on any guest list in the first place. Are they are friends with someone who is just horrible or did something happen (bad medication interaction? bump on the head?) to turn her into such a harridan?

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:42 PM    <link>

HOW MANY PRESENTS?

Dear Elise,

I was wondering what the etiquette is for wedding gifts. I always feel that if you are friends with the bridal party you end up having to get more gifts. I had a friend who threw an engagement party and bridal shower and had registries for both events. I bought 2 gifts for those respective events, and ended up giving a monetary gift at the wedding too. Is one expected to give a bridal shower gift and then a wedding gift? Or is one gift sufficient?

Thank you,

All Gifted Out

Dear Gifted Out,

If you attend a shower, you must bring a present. This doesn't mean you have to break the bank or anything of the sort, especially if you want to give a wedding present as well. I should also note here that presents are not required for engagement parties and setting up a registry specifically for the engagement party is rather presumptuous.

While wedding presents are not strictly speaking necessary, deciding not to give one can be an uncomfortable proposition. At the very least you should acknowledge the wedding with a card telling your friends how much you enjoyed yourself and how happy you are for them. Still, it is conventional to give wedding presents if one attends the nuptials.

So, there is a good chance that, depending on your feelings and your relationship to the wedding couple that you will be in a position where you need to have a shower present and a wedding present. The key to not feeling exploited is to stay within a budget that you set, which is absolutely reasonable to do and completely within your control. You do not need to buy presents off any registry or do anything that throws you into debt or triggers feelings of ire and resentment. Pace your present giving. People who expect presents for every single wedding event that crops up need to adjust their perspective a bit.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:51 AM    <link>

GIVING CREDIT AND INVITATION LANGUAGE

Dear Elise,

I am having trouble with my invitation wording. Our ceremony will be a fairly formal event. My parents are divorced, my future husband's are still together. My father is paying for the bulk of the wedding but my mother is also contributing quite a bit and his parents have offered to pay for the alcohol, the rehearsal dinner, and a next-day brunch. I am planning everything. Who is the host? I would love to use "together with our families" but I'm afraid that would cause offense and also not make it clear to guests that the parents paid for the wedding. Help!

Thanks,
Baffled

Dear Baffled

I sincerely hope that you're not worrying over your invitation language because you're interested in how much money your guests will assume each parent spent on your nuptials. Guests look at invitations in hopes of gleaning a few key bits of information: where to go, when to show up, and what to wear.

So, the interests of your guests in who funded how much of your wedding can be dispensed with. This leaves the feelings of all of the parents. They are all being generous. Do you object to listing everyone? You could use this variation on traditional invitation language (note that your parents names would appear on separate lines because they are divorced):

Bride's Mother's Name
and
Bride's Father's Name
and
Groom's Parents' Names
Request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their children
Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
Date
Time
Place
R.S.V.P.

You can also use the "together with their parents" language that you like. The only question to ask is whether the rewards of actually listing everyone's names are greater than brevity. This is entirely up to you, but know that you can't lose by naming everyone.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:48 AM    <link>

RINGS AND POLITICS

Dear Elise,

My fiance gave me an engagement ring that I absolutely love. It is a unique eco-friendly Mokume design band accompanied by a nice rock, which is really just icing on the cake. My fiance's and my wedding bands are also made with the same Mokume materials. When I shared my new engagement ring excitement with a girlfriend, I told her about the artistic design and eco materials. She interrupted and asked what size my rock was. She appeared to have no interest in my story of the ring design itself and was only concerned with rock sizes. How do I politely school/check other people who are obviously unappreciative of art, eco-friendly design and are more concerned with what is on top?

Didn't Get to Finish My Story

Dear Didn't Get to Finish,

There is absolutely no way to "politely" tell your friends and acquaintances that they are shallow and you are superior because of your engagement ring choices. Really, how would you feel if some holier-than-thou person responded to your ring story by saying that if you truly cared about the environment you would have foregone a ring entirely and spent the money on green causes and donated the time you spent picking your ring planting trees and volunteering at a recycling plant?

There is no way you can be appealing while being sanctimonious.

This is not to say that you shouldn't be thrilled with your choices. Your ring sounds lovely and, most important, it makes you happy. The fact that it represents your political interests and passions is something you can celebrate privately. You seem to think your friend thinks large stones are superior to design and ecological interests while your feelings are quite the opposite. The only solution is to take the question of moral / financial/ aesthetic/ spiritual superiority off the table and just accept that fact that she wasn't receptive to your story, which is somewhat rude but not the end of the world.

Just wait. Whatever unpleasantness you sense in this discussion of your ring will only be multiplied tenfold in the future. If you choose not to have children, people will be inappropriate in their comments about your choice. If you DO have children, you will also have to contend with self-righteous types. The questions of food and television and diapers and books and music and message t-shirts and vitamin supplements and spirituality are so pernicious that the only way to keep your social circle from shrinking precipitously is to be content with your choices and refrain from correcting those of others.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:13 AM    <link>

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