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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

DESTINATION WEDDING PULL BACK

Dear Elise:

My fiance and I have always talked about having a destination wedding. It seemed easy and practical.

Our families have known this idea for quite some time and when we became engaged, we decided on a long engagement (well over a year), hoping this would give more than enough time to save up for traveling.

A couple of our relatives have decided that they simply can't go to a destination wedding because of financial reasons and one of them is newly pregnant. Everyone else is excited about the idea and feels they have enough time to save for the trip.

What do we do in this situation? Should we pay for these relatives to go to our wedding? What about doing everything evenly and fairly between both families?

I would not get married without them; I know they would not want that and that my fiance would not want that. If we keep our plans, how do we move on from here and ensure everyone is happy and not resentful or upset of our final decision?

Already Tired and Confused

Dear Already Tired,

There is nothing rude about having a destination wedding and there is nothing rude about not being able to attend a destination wedding. Travel isn't for everyone.

For every person who gets excited about having a pretext for a trip to the Bahamas, there is another one who would rather go to Alaska. For everyone who enjoys camping, there is someone else who would rather drink warm lemon juice.

Travel brings up all sorts of issues: money, vacation time, child care, pet care, house sitting, school obligations, flying phobias, and it is impossible to predict who will have problems. So while it may be possible for these relatives to economize and spend over a year budgeting time and money for a trip to your wedding, it might not be something they want to do.

On the other hand, and this is especially the case if you are paying for your wedding, it is not right for your relatives to try to dictate where you should have it. This leaves you with an intractable situation.

The only route to take really is to talk to your fiance and see how he feels about either changing your plans entirely or getting married locally where everyone could attend and then having a second ceremony abroad, or having a second reception when you return.

As far as paying for these relatives, you could offer to pay the way for an equal number of members of each of your families, but you may find that while this seems to be about the money, it isn't really. Someone is going to have a very young baby at the proposed time of your wedding and the prospect of flying and staying in another country may not be appealing at all.

At bottom, you won't be able to accommodate everyone so you and your fiance will have to decide together what is most important. If you need all of these people at your wedding, consider either doing something small and local and honeymooning in your destination spot, or think about having a small ceremony at home first, followed by a "real" ceremony and wedding abroad. On the other hand, if having your wedding abroad is of primary importance, then celebrate with your relatives after the fact. You can't force people to travel, but you can make your own decisions based on what is most important to you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:22 AM    <link>

TORN

Dear Elise,

Elise,

I recently became engaged and am facing pressure from both families to have a traditional church wedding- satin dress and all. The problem is that I have not been religious since I was a child and am not really a dress fan or into traditional femininity, let alone satin and lace.

What should I do?

Afraid to Start

Dear Afraid,

Well, what do you want to do? Do you want to accommodate the families at all or are you thinking of striking out on your own, regardless of the fallout? If you want to take the others into consideration, are there elements that are especially important to you? Are there things you don't care so much about? Think about these questions and see if you can't navigate a middle ground with your families.

Certainly you can have a secular wedding in slacks but that isn't the point. You are looking for a way to navigate your relationship with your family. There are no rules, so the trick will be to find areas of compromise. If a full mass isn't up your alley, you could still have a less rigid wedding in a church. If you don't want to wear a big satin wedding dress, would you be interested in wearing a dressy suit or an informal wedding dress? Try not to think of any of these elements in absolute terms: everything is negotiable.

If you want, pick two or three elements that are of primary importance to you. Whatever you want to do with those few things will be your decision alone. Then you should feel more comfortable compromising or even letting the families have their ways on other things.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:45 AM    <link>

I WANT A PICTURE

Dear Elise,

I am having problems with my future sister-in-law.

My entire family is in the wedding: me, husband, son, and daughter. I knew this was going to be somewhat of a financial burden on us (almost $1,000 in clothes alone) but I was excited at the prospect of all of us getting all dressed up for my brother's wedding, so I agreed.

Since then, my future sister-in-law has been snotty and demanding. When my mother, my daughter, my future sister-in-law and I got fitted for dresses, my future sister-in-law barely talked to any of us (in spite of the fact that my mother is paying for half of the wedding), except to complain that some other relatives have asked if they can have special family portraits taken at the wedding. She was outraged that someone would steal her photographer at her wedding. I figured I would be able to get a picture of my family all dressed up at her wedding too and I told her so, and she said "Are you KIDDING?" Then I told her she was a brat, that a lot of people had spent a lot of money on her wedding and that she was rude.

Am I really all that wrong in asking to use the photographer for 5 minutes for my family to get a professional picture taken in our wedding finery? I really didn't think that was a big request of the bride. I thought that's what the photographer was for.

Outraged

Dear Outraged,

Well, this is a big mess that could be worked out if everyone just stopped shouting for a second and tried to look at things in perspective.

Yes, the bride is being ridiculous about the photographer and all she has to do to accommodate your wishes is to add a line to her list of photographs she plans on having taken at the wedding. So, this isn't even a question of "borrowing" the photographer, you are all going to be hanging around for wedding pictures anyway, you just want to bunch your family together and get a shot. This is hardly a big deal and not worth sniping at each other about. If she continues to be a stick in the mud about it at the wedding, mention it to your brother, who ought to have something to say about the way things will go at his wedding.

Now, as far as anything else goes, you have to remember that this woman will be part of your family. If you want to have some sort of reasonable relationship with your brother and his wife, you'll have to figure out a way to be civil. You are in the wedding. At this point, stop extending yourself for her and just do the minimum required of you as a bridesmaid. Assume you'll be able to get a family portrait at the wedding and stop talking about this. If she's a lunatic, the only way you'll be able to deal with her is by ignoring her anyway, so this is a good a time as any to start. If you get a lot of resistance at the wedding, then you can calmly ask your brother if you can get a quick family photo taken at the end of the wedding party photo session.

And that should be it. You're almost there, so keep playing along and doing the minimum. Don't insert yourself into any additional fights and be glad that the end is in sight.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:42 PM    <link>

DESTINATION WEDDING & GUEST DEBT

Dear Elise,

A very close family member recently got engaged and has set the wedding date for next autumn. My whole family is very happy about their engagement.

Recently, the couple announced that they would like to have a destination wedding, and the venue they have chosen is quite expensive. They have made it clear that they expect the extended family to attend, and I know of a few family members who are very excited about this and think that it's a great idea.

I want support their union, but I really don't want to commit to attending this costly wedding. I've been working very hard to become debt free, and I have started to make plans with my new financial freedom (including returning to school part-time to finish my degree). Attending this wedding would put me back into debt, and while it wouldn't be insurmountable, I don't think it's reasonable that I should have to take it on, or have to rearrange my future plans to accommodate this.

It seems that I am one of the few who wasn't exactly jumping at joy at the news, and I have a feeling that my family will not support my decision not to attend the wedding. How do I let them know about this without causing any hurt feelings. I have not discussed my long term plans with anyone because it's something I feel is my own business, and I don't want to have to justify my decision not to attend this wedding beyond explaining that it's not within my budget. What is the best way to approach this?

Angsty

Dear Angsty,

This is what happens with destination weddings. I'm not scolding or judging, merely stating a fact. If you have a destination wedding, there is a powerful chance that people you love and want badly to be present at your nuptials will not be able to travel. Those are the breaks.

This is something your relatives will come to understand learn sooner or later and you may as well be the one to clue them in to reality. Simply tell your relatives and anyone who asks that you are really very sorry but you simply can't afford to attend the destination wedding. Do not explain any further. You don't need to detail your life plans or your former debt if you don't want to. You don't need to be defensive. If your relatives try to talk you in to incurring debt all over again, speak the truth: "I’m sorry, I really don't feel comfortable doing that."

Don't make the mistake of getting angry before you have to. Right now, your relatives are still contemplating matters. If they decide to have their wedding at some lovely, expensive, costly-to-access spot, that is their business and they are certainly entitled to marry wherever they like. You, in turn, are entitled not to attend if you can't afford it. Don't be mad; just don't go, but be gracious about it. If they get angry or hurt, just keep saying how happy you are for them and how sorry you are that you won't be there but that you'd love to have a celebratory dinner with them when they return.

No one should be forced to acquire debt for a wedding, especially one that isn't one's own, so try to relax your sense that not going will make your relatives resent you. They may be disappointed, so you must keep restating your position and continue to express interest in their plans. Your continued support will mean a lot to them and perhaps when all is said and done you can celebrate with them after the fact.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:33 AM    <link>

PRESENTS FOR MULTIPLE WEDDINGS?

Dear Elise,

My mother-in-law asked me about one of her grandchildren who is about to get married for the third time. My mother-in-law gave presents for the first two weddings, but is wondering if she has to keep giving presents not that the third marriage is happening. Is there a rule?

Curious

Dear Curious,

In fact there are no rules, because wedding presents are really supposed to spring from the goodwill and available funds of the giver. If your mother-in-law feels that she would like to give another present, she certainly is entitled to do that. People often don't feel obliged to give presents for second weddings, and if your mother-in-law is of a version of that opinion, that is fine too.

What I would advise, however, is if your mother-in-law chooses not to give a present, that she send a letter or card with a note on it letting her grandchild know how happy she is about the marriage, acknowledging it graciously. If giving nothing makes her uncomfortable, she can always opt for something small that speaks to a new life: a book, photo album, handy utensil, box of fancy chocolates, bottle of wine, that sort of thing.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:54 AM    <link>

IDIOTIC GROOMSMAN

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have been together for almost 5 years and our wedding is several months from now.

Over the weekend, one of my fiance's groomsmen (who has himself been married for a couple of years) approached me at a wedding. He had been drinking and proceeded to tell me that he does not support my fiance and me getting married. He thinks that my fiance and he have grown apart because of me. Of course I started to cry and I told him that he was un-invited if he can't support our marriage.

I told my fiance about this and he thinks that this groomsman should still be in the wedding (my fiance hates conflict). Now I totally feel like my fiance is disrespecting me by allowing him not only to be a groomsman, but even attend the wedding!! What should I do?

Angry and Confused!!

Dear A&C

Well there's no question that your fiance's friend is an annoying person and stereotypically bad drunk, which by extension makes him a bore, but his failings are not your fault. While it is a mystery why your fiance would still enjoy this guy's company, only person who would wind up looking like an idiot at your wedding is your future husband's friend for being a jerk at his friend's nuptials.

At this point you've said what you have to say: you told the guy that someone with his attitude isn't someone you don't want at your wedding. You have told your fiance that what his friend did and has asked that he not attend. What happens next is out of your hands. Perhaps your fiance has hopes that his friend will shape up, especially in the wake of your encounter with him. If you are absolutely adamant that this man not be in your wedding, be prepared to follow through on any threats you make to your fiance. Are ultimatums really worth it to you? What are you willing to do if your fiance insists upon his presence? And really, so what if this guy doesn't support your marriage? You don't want anything from him, especially not his "support" so if he remains in your wedding party, just imagine you're doing this guy a favor by letting him feel a little less lonely by knowing he has at least one friend (your fiance) with whom he will not be socializing much in the future.

Try to work around all the issues of pride and disrespect that you encounter with this man raised. They won't help you and there's no point in making your fiance so unhappy about having to potentially terminate a friendship. Instead, you could ask him to talk to his friend about apologizing to you and ask him to keep a lid on his appalling behavior during your wedding and reception. If he says he can't manage that, your fiance wouldn't be crazy to ask him why he still wants to be in the wedding at all.

Once you've fobbed the problem off on your fiance, there is nothing you can do short of calling off the wedding. You don't want to threaten him unless his choice is one that really makes you question your feelings about him. If that is the case, let your fiance know so he can go about righting wrongs, but remember that you can only play this hand once per wedding. This is a last resort.

Remember: if you call of your wedding because of this fool, the proverbial terrorists have won. If you go and have a fabulous, joyful wedding while the sourpuss groomsman stands on the side watching his wife have a good time eating cake and chatting it up with interesting people, you will have shown him exactly how ridiculous his comments to you were.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:22 AM    <link>

WHAT TO SAY TO NO SHOWS?

Dear Elise,

The wedding is over and everything went well. I have one question - how do we handle "friends" that rsvp'ed THREE weeks past the deadline, said 4 people would coming and then didn't show up because her husband decided that he wanted to work that day? We had to pay for everyone who was coming. I received an e-mail saying she was sorry and then asked me for a favor. How do I respond? Please help!

Livid

Dear Livid,

Well, it goes without saying that what your friend did was unpleasant. She should not have flaked out. I'm sorry you got stuck with a bill for empty seats.

Keep in mind, with this friend and in the future, that you always have options. For example, you did not have to accommodate the extra guests she threatened to bring to your wedding. You could have easily told her that you couldn't handle additional guests. I mention this because you are now feeling put on the spot by her asking for a favor. If you don't want to do it, just tell her you can't. Don't explain yourself. Don't argue about it or engage in anything petty about her failure to attend your wedding, just tell her that you're sorry you can't help her out.

Your friend's lapses are her problem, but she can only make you feel taken advantage of if you let her take advantage of you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:53 AM    <link>

EVEN SIDES AND HURT FEELINGS?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I began planning our wedding, I picked 6 bridesmaids and he picked 5 groomsmen. We never really cared about the unevenness of this arrangement, but the sides evened out when we decided to ask a mutual friend, "John" to join the groomsmen.

Recently, we have both come to regret the decision not to ask my oldest brother to be the 6th groomsman instead of John. My one other sibling is officiating the ceremony, and all of my fiance's siblings are in the wedding party. Even though my oldest brother has been very cold to my fiance and has never expressed any joy or happiness for our union, we feel it would be offensive not to have at least asked him to do us the honor of being up there with us. Well, my fiance asked my brother and he said he would have to think about it.

We haven't received his reply yet, but if he accepts, this leaves us with the horrible prospect of having to reassign John. I know he would understand (even though I also know he was very excited to be asked), as all other groomsmen are brothers or long-time friends. But it still feels like an awful thing to do. But we just don't want 7 groomsmen up there!

What do you suggest? The only other thing I can think of for John to do in the wedding is to be an usher, but that feels like too much of a demotion. Help!

Thanks,

In a Pickle

Dear Pickle,

You're treading on dangerous ground. Generally, if there is no really good reason, and I am referring mostly to questions of emotional or physical abuse not aesthetic taste, it is a terrible idea to remove or demote any wedding party member, no matter how convinced you are that he or she will be utterly understanding.

You are feeling all of this guilt right now because you didn't invite your (albeit obnoxious) brother to be in the wedding party, why would you want to add to your discomfort by demoting someone whose presence you would actually welcome up at the altar with you? What is wrong with having seven groomsmen? You didn't have an issue with uneven wedding party sides earlier. What has made your feelings change?

My feeling is that you should not meddle with your wedding party any more. The last thing in the world you want is more hard feelings over this, and a wedding party with seven groomsmen is far better than having one with six groomsmen and one friend with severely hurt feelings.

There is no nice or polite way to fire your friend, and you don't have to do it, so why look for trouble?

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:55 AM    <link>

PRE-WEDDING PRESENT PROTOCOL

Dear Elise,

My wedding is in a couple of months, my shower was a few weeks ago, and other presents are beginning to arrive. I've gotten some conflicting advice on how to handle these "early" gifts. Can we begin to use any of the items that were shower gifts (for instance, can we sit in the lawn chairs before the summer is over?)? As for the other boxes that are showing up on the doorstep, is it appropriate to open these and send a thank-you card? And if so, may we begin to use these items? We're not in a hurry to tear open all the boxes, but it would help to write some of the notes in advance instead of as a batch after the honeymoon and it would also prevent the pile of gifts from taking over my office!

Thanks!
Grateful


Dear Grateful,

Don't hesitate! Pull out your stationery and begin composing thank you missives as soon as possible. There is no need to wait until you are officially married to acknowledge the presents. In the first place, your friends and family know when they had the gifts sent and in the second, they will start to worry that their packages got lost. You are also right on target with your assessment that you don't want to have a huge pile of notes to write all at once, so if you can chip away at the thank you project you'll be much happier and relaxed.

As for whether or not you can use the presents, generally, it is absolutely fine, and this is particularly the case with shower presents. The only reason not to is that if a wedding is called off, all presents should be returned, so some people who are superstitious may hold off on using the gifts while others break them out and live comfortably with them happily ever after. It is really up to you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:59 AM    <link>

"NO" WILL DO JUST FINE

Dear Elise,

Since I have sent out my invitations, I have had no fewer than seven people say, "Oh yes, we're so excited, and is it ok to bring X (insert uninvited name)?" I am having a small wedding, since my fiancee and I are paying for most of it, and don't want to offend anyone, but we invited the people we invited for our reasons, and didn't invite others for reasons of money or space.

My general reaction to this type of breach of etiquette is open-mouthed shock, but I would like to be better prepared. Is there an appropriate comeback that will not offend these people, while still making it clear that extra invitees are undesirable? And since when did it become appropriate to invite people to someone else's wedding?

Thanks,

Confused

Dear Confused

Your first step should be to find a way to reduce the volume on your outrage. While it is generally acknowledged that, in the language of invitations, only the people named on the envelope are invited, it is not wildly unheard of for guests to ask if they can bring guests along. (It would be extremely rude if there were just showing up with small crowds in tow or, say, writing in a large random number on their response cards.)

All you have to do, once you have regained your sense of perspective, is tell your friends that you can't accommodate extra guests. That's all there is to it, really. You don't have to explain your position or make excuses. You simply can't expand your guest list. You don't have to be harsh or snide, snippy or haughty when a gentle "no" will serve you so well.

As for your last question, it is never reasonable to add a lot of extra people to a guest list, but it is also not the worst faux pas to ask if it would be possible to show up with a date. Hosts can always say "no," and then it is up to the potential guest to decide if he or she will attend the festivities solo.

If you don't want extra people, simply say "no." Don't be frightened. Being nice but firm about it is the best route to take.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:09 PM    <link>

SHOWER POLICY

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married in a few months. We both know many people, but we had to draw a line with our guest list because of our budget. Our invitations went out, and now we are getting several phone calls from people who are upset that they are not invited, or we are hearing through other friends that there are people who are upset about not being invited.

So, my good friend has been planning a wedding shower for us. The invites say something about helping us to stock our bar for future parties. Is it rude to invite people to a shower who will not be invited to the wedding? The wedding and shower will be held in the same city. The invites for the shower have not gone out, so we can switch it to a non-shower event and just a party if needed.

Thanks,

- Feeling Guilty

Dear FG,

Your sense of the situation is correct. It is indeed rude to invite people to a shower who won't be on your wedding guest list. It tends to suggest that, while those people aren't good enough friends to be invited to the main event, they are good enough to give you presents. You almost certainly don't want to give that impression.

So. As far as your guilt is concerned, just talk to your friends gently and honestly. Everyone who plans a wedding realizes that it is impossible to invite everyone and that some people will be disappointed. This is simply the way of things. All you need to say is that you are sorry that you can't invite everyone you would like to include.

If you do have a shower, only invite people who are also on your wedding guest list. That is the only way to make sure that people won't be put off or feel poorly used. Alternatively, as you suggest, you can have a party that is not a shower, where the word "shower" doesn't cross your lips. While it is possible that you will find yourself having to wrestle with the problem of inviting people to a wedding-related party and not to the wedding itself, you won't be doing anything overtly rude. Weigh your options and see which one makes you most comfortable and which is least likely to hurt your friends' feelings. Remember, you can also have a celebratory party after your wedding, if that feels less awkward to you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:00 AM    <link>

NO MEAL

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are trying to make our wedding as inexpensive as possible. My mother said that we should just serve nuts and mints and wedding cake instead of food for the guests since the wedding is in the middle of the afternoon. She also says that I should cut out getting any kind of wedding favors. I have never really been to a wedding before and dont know what to do. Our wedding will have about 120 people at it but they are all close friends and family. Please tell me if doing what my mom asks will be rude.

Thanks
Confused and Torn

Dear C&T

The non-meal wedding reception is far unheard of, but to pull it off you will have to manage a lot of factors: timing, people's expectations, your budget, your comfort levels, and the interests of your families.

If you want to have a "punch and cake" reception, make sure that your wedding doesn't come close to coinciding with any mealtimes. Then you need to compose your invitations with an eye to managing your guests' expectations. Invitation language that indicates you are not serving a meal at the reception could look like this:

HOSTS NAMES
request the honor of your presence
at the wedding of
BRIDE'S NAME
to
GROOM'S NAME
DATE
PLACE
TIME

Cocktails and dessert to follow.

Of course you should adjust the language to suit your needs. Consider filling out your offerings a little big beyond the nuts, mints and wedding cake. You could add some cookies or other tasty bites to your small menu. The trick will be to find a way of being gracious and having enough of the kind of food you can offer while not overextending yourself.

As far as wedding favors are concerned, it is never necessary to have them. They are important in many cultures but if you aren’t from one, don't feel you have to go that route. Skipping them is an easy, painless economy.

So, you're in good shape as long as you make sure you have enough food for everyone indicate that your reception will be cake-and-toast oriented, not meal-based.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:08 AM    <link>

WHEN TO GET ON THE ROOFTOP

Dear Elise,

What is the etiquette on sending wedding announcements? Should they be sent out only after the wedding, or can they be sent out in anticipation?

Eager to Announce

Dear Eager,

Wedding announcements are made after the wedding has happened. If you send out an announcement before the wedding, there's a good chance people will confuse it with an invitation and there is the larger problem that it is extremely odd to make an announcement about something that has yet to happen.

If you are engaged you can throw a party or at least pick up the phone and tell everyone with willing ears about your plans but don't send out the wedding announcement until after the deed is done.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:30 AM    <link>

WHAT TO SAY

Dear Elise,

I belong to a yacht club with my husband and we would like to socialize with more members. He likes to go to the club's cocktail hour. The problem is that I have made a decision to not drink alcohol for many reasons, and do not enjoy drinking (my husband usually has one drink).

How do I handle this in a gracious way? People notice when I do not have a drink in my hand and say, "Let's go get you a drink." I am always offered wine, especially at dinner time.

What are interesting topics to discuss at "cocktail hour"? If you attend one of these semi-parties and do not know anyone, and everyone is quietly talking, how do you participate?

Thank you!

Tongue Tied

Dear Tongue Tied

Your problems are simple and profound, respectively and I'll start with the easy answer first.

There is nothing wrong with forgoing alcohol; lots of people do, to the point where it is hardly unusual. If someone offers to get you a drink, what's wrong with having any of the non-alcoholic choices any respectable bar offers. Waters, soft drinks, juices and any combination of the aforementioned are obvious choices and there are also strange non-alcoholic cocktails that people are constantly inventing. You don't have to explain yourself at all. In fact, elaborating too much on any judgmental feelings about alcohol may be alienating to the people happily imbibing around you, so just demur and ask for something else unless you truly don't want anything at all in which case you can simply decline.

The question of conversational gambits is trickier and actually one of those problems that people will ponder until the end of time. Ideally, of course, interesting chatter will spring out of thin air but it rarely does. With people you don't know, or who make you uncomfortable it may be wise to dodge all but the most cursory discussion of hot button political, religious and sexual issues but that still leaves one with the weather, film, art, music, travel, books, celebrity vicissitudes, odd things you have learned recently (a favorite snack for giraffes is onions, under their white fur, polar bears have black skin), sports, food, games... etc,

Keep in mind also that people are often happy to express their opinions and talk about themselves, so a few strategic questions will take you far. The best way to be interesting is to sincerely be interested, in other people in the ways of the world, in beauty and squalor and oddities. All of this doesn't take away the fact that manufacturing conversation is difficult and uncomfortable but with practice you'll figure out a pattern that suits you.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:57 PM    <link>

COUSINS AND GUESTS

Dear Elise,

I am trying to figure out the appropriate etiquette for "and guests." My fiance has about 15 cousins. We are having a relatively small wedding and the guest list is limited by the size of the ceremony location.

My problem is trying to decide which cousins should be able to invite guests. We are definitely inviting the cousins who have long-term significant others as couples, but
many of the younger cousins (still living at home) are constantly in and out of relationships. Some have gotten into relationships since we sent out the save-the-dates, but neither my fiance nor I have met the girlfriend/boyfriend.

Are we being reasonable to invite dates of the cousins whom we've met and they've been dating for a while, and excluding the younger cousins/those who still live at home from dates? Adding 10 extra guests for cousins' dates means 5 friends we cannot invite. Should we talk to the parents of the cousins and see what they think? I suppose I should also clarify that my cousins are all either married or not dating, so we don't have this issue with my side of the family. Thanks for any advice you can give!

-Perplexed by Cousins' Dating

Dear Perplexed,

The standard way to sort out who gets a guest and who doesn't is to apply the policy that you have brought up: if the guest in question is involved in a relationship then he or she should be able to bring his or her companion, while people who are not seriously involved with anyone are invited solo. This does involve avoiding the whole "and guest" construction on invitations. If you're inviting significant others, it should be possible to find out their names and write them on the invitation.

The reason you want to name everyone, especially if you are realizing you will be allowing some cousins to come with dates and others must go stag, is that you are highlighting the fact that some have known partners.

To ensure that you won't offend anyone, you should indeed talk with the families and see what everyone's status is. If someone has been in a committed relationship for a couple of years and you don't happen to know about it, you don't want to neglect that person's partner. Don't shoulder this burden alone. Don't worry about fobbing off some or even most of these phone calls onto your fiance. This is his family, after all.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:49 AM    <link>

BADLY DRESSED DAD

Dear Elise,

I am getting married in a formal, evening ceremony, and currently my fiance and I are working on what our attendants will be wearing. It seemed as though we had it all settled until my fiance's father, who is the best man, declared that he "wasn't going to wear any monkey suit," and insisted that he had already bought his own suit (daytime, business) to wear in the wedding. This is a man known to favor suits in shades of burgundy and brown (our colors are pale pink, black, and pewter) over black. I also have no idea if the cut of style will even remotely coordinate with the formal wear of the other groom's men.

My fiance has even offered to rent the suit for his father, but he continues to say that no one is going to make him wear what he doesn't want to. At this point, I am dreading him being in the wedding at all, but I know my fiance would be heartbroken otherwise. Is it wrong of me to think this is totally out of line? What can be done?

-Caught between a tux and hard place


Dear Caught,

Allow me to free you. Unless he made the decision because he was being blackmailed or was on the wrong side of a revolver, it is a significant and sweet thing that your fiance has asked his father to be his best man. This is the heart of the matter.

Of course you are working hard on your wedding's aesthetics and you want everything to be perfect, but consider opting for a different and much more rare kind of perfection: a wedding with emotional harmony. This is not a fight you want to have unless you want to keep hearing about how you forced your father-in-law to wear a "monkey suit" or had him kicked out of the wedding party at every holiday gathering for the foreseeable future.

Let your future father-in-law wear what he likes. As the best man he doesn't have to match the rest of the groomsmen and as the father of the groom he can look as ridiculous as he likes without it reflecting poorly on you or his son.

All is not lost for your sake, though. Arrange for photographs to be taken that celebrate all of your hard work and elegant choices in addition to the ones with your burgundy father-in-law.

Compromise is key when it comes to your in-laws and happily you have it in your power to let your fiance's father wear what he likes while you can create a record that showcases something other than his suit.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:54 AM    <link>

LOST IN TEXAS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are having a terrible time picking a date for our wedding because we cannot decide on the location! I want to get married in Houston, where I grew up and where most of my family lives. My fiance wants to get married in Dallas, where we live. His family lives here and we have more friends here as well, but everyone is willing to travel.

Our problem is that no matter where we have it, one side of our immediate family will have to travel. Houston seems like a logical choice to me since my fiance's father works for a large airline, and he and most of his family flies for free or almost-free therefore making it much less expensive for them to travel than my family. Since my family is paying for the wedding, it seems unfair to ask them to add travel expenses on top of everything else.

Also, I still have a strong affiliation with my old church and minister in Houston while we haven't yet found a religious "home" in Dallas. I would dearly like the minister I grew up to perform the ceremony.

My fiance doesn't want have to have the wedding in Houston because he doesn't want to have to spend a lot of time with my mother (they don't get along) and because he doesn't want to have to have his bachelor party in Dallas and travel down to Houston the next day for the ceremony. He says he can't have the party there because his friends don't know any clubs or bars in Houston, which is perfectly understandable. But since we have agreed on an evening ceremony, why can't he travel down the Houston the morning after?

This problem has been plaguing us for weeks now - any etiquette advice you could provide to help guide us toward a solution would be greatly appreciated!

Geographically Impaired

Dear Geographically Impaired,

This is not entirely a question of etiquette, though generally speaking, the people who are hosting the wedding are permitted a slightly greater say in where the event they are paying for will be. Because the bride's family traditionally hosted weddings, nuptials were traditionally in the bride's hometown, though there are no "rules" about this.

If the only thing making your fiance cling to a Dallas wedding is the prospect of a less-fun bachelor party, he could always rethink the schedule of events. Really, contemporary wisdom counsels strenuously against having bachelor and bachelorette parties the night before weddings. No one is destined to look or feel one's best after a night of heavy reveling no matter how much one applies aspirin and electrolyte replacement drinks the night before and black coffee in the morning. Perhaps a better plan would be to have the bachelor events the week before the nuptials and then the night before can be reserved for high, but not quite decadent, carousing.

Of course, the bachelor party might be just another obstacle your fiance wants to toss in the way. How much more time would he really be required to spend with your mother if the wedding is in Houston? Can't he remain at a polite distance just as easily in Houston as Dallas? I can't decide on your location for you, but it seems to me that you feel there are distinct advantages, both sentimental and financial, to getting married in Houston that make sense for you to have the wedding in your home town. His issues can be worked around, as long as you are willing to make certain compromises for his comfort, keeping his interactions with your mother to a minimum, for instance.

Obviously I can't make this decision for you, but there are plenty of ways to negotiate with each other. You're getting married; navigating where it happens is just he start of a lifetime of this sort of navigation.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:49 AM    <link>

MOTHER POISONING THE PLANS

Dear Elise,

I got engaged not too long ago. While I was excited about getting engaged, I was not excited about telling my mother. A few years ago, after a turbulent decade of denial, she was finally diagnosed with a mental disorder. My mother started treatment but then abruptly quit taking her medication cold turkey, saying she didn't need them because she "felt fine now".

When we told her about our engagement, she immediately began to grouse about how long engagements were stupid, how spending money on a wedding was dumb and how she was not going to pay for anything to do with our wedding. Honestly, I never expected my parents to pay for the wedding. I paid for my own school and I've lived on my own for years without parental assistance, so turning back to them now wasn't something I was even considering. However, I did find it a little bit insulting that she was jumping all over me about it from the get-go.

Anyway, we continued planning the wedding without my parents' involvement and things have been going well. Suddenly, my mother got interested, cheerfully sending me information about hugely expensive dresses and she began chiming in about venues and flowers and favors. When I explained that this stuff was too expensive she began to complain again, saying that if we really wanted to get married, we should just go to city hall by ourselves and do it instead of wasting everybody's time. This was incredibly discouraging to hear.

My family is incredibly important to me, but I'm tired. Is there anything can I do or say at this point to convince her to give me a break?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Your mother is engaging in a bit of classic power-grab behavior. There is a longstanding tradition of mothers of brides being active and caring participants in their daughters' nuptials, but not every traditional set-up works for everyone, and your mother clearly can't handle your autonomy well. It is probably bedeviling to her that you actually don't need her help, her opinions, her money, anything. The things you do want, her approval and happiness for you, are not really within her control to give, probably because of her illness.

The best thing you can do for yourself and for the sake of your relationship with your mother is stop telling her about your plans. Her advice will be completely paradoxical and will only make you want to pull your hair out.

If she asks about your wedding or tries to wheedle information out of you, just tell her that things are going really well and that you are so happy she'll be attending. Reveal nothing. She doesn't know that she's using your wedding as a weapon, but every detail you offer is more ammunition.

I'm sorry it has come to this, but in the interests of self-preservation you should try to skip the mother-daughter bonding stuff that is so often discussed when it comes to wedding planning. You have a good plan and everything is going well, so celebrate everything you have done and take care of your relationship with your mother by leaving her out of it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:50 AM    <link>

LAST CALL - INDIEETIQUETTE LIVE

If you're idling tonight and want a quick hit of wedding conversation, pay a visit to the McNally Robinson bookstore at 52 Prince Street in Nolita. A panel of writers, including yours truly, will be speaking on Weddings Women and American Culture. Everything begins at 7:00.

Cheers!

posted by Elise at 5:48 AM    <link>

ASKING FOR HELP LATE

Dear Elise,

My wedding is in less than two months. Almost two years ago, when my fiance and I announced our engagement, his father very generously offered to pay for half of the wedding and asked us to have my father call him to discuss details. My old-fashioned father was very uncomfortable with the offer and said that he would pay for everything. Even though I asked him several times, my father never called. After restating his offer a few more times, my fiance's father stopped. I don't blame him--I'm sure he thought that his offer had been rebuffed.

Now, with the wedding rapidly approaching, my father is feeling the pressure of upcoming payments. We've been very reasonable with our plans and my fiance and I have paid for a lot of things ourselves. It's gotten to the point where we simply haven't told my father about some of the arrangements we've made simply so that we can pay for them and not worry him about it.

Recently, after hearing what the photographer's bill would be, my father suggested that my fiance's father could pay for something. I didn't know what to say--it's been a long time since my fiance's father last offered to chip in, I just don't know how to bring it up. My fiance feels uncomfortable asking his father for money. Is there any polite and graceful way to let my fiance father know that his help would be much appreciated?

Best,
Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck,

To the extent that mistakes were made, they are all in failing to communicate, so the easiest way to go about making everything run more smoothly will be to start talking.

Your fiance's father has offered numerous times to help, so there is nothing insane about taking him up on the offer, as long as you are prepared for him to have changed his mind. The easiest way for you to do this is to have your fiance go to him, or go with your fiance, and ask him if he would be interested in paying for one or two specific elements: your photographer, the flowers, the cake, etc. This means thinking seriously about what he would be interested in funding and talking to him in a calm, timely fashion. If he comments on the short notice, you can always say that you did not realize the extent of the expenses until the actual numbers were presented to you by your vendors.

This is uncomfortable, but you may discover that your future father-in-law is genuinely happy to pay for something. He may be hoping to take an active role in your wedding and has been waiting to be included. Giving him a choice about what he could pay for might be a good way to present your request since he would have some autonomy and this would not just feel like a cash request.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:28 AM    <link>

CAN'T DO IT ALL

Dear Elise,

I was asked to be in a friend's wedding. I'm not terribly close to her but in a moment of her excitement I accepted the invitation to be her bridesmaid. I live three hours away from where the ceremony will take place and I will also not be able to make it to any of her showers, (including her four-day weekend at the beach). The wedding is six months away, she has nine bridesmaids (including me) and we have not ordered dresses yet. Should I tell her I will not be able to attend the showers/parties and only attend the wedding or should I step down from the wedding party and allow her to enjoy her day with another friend?

The thing is, I don't think she will understand my reasons for not attending because she has already expressed that this is her wedding and everything will be the way she wants it. How do I not hurt her feelings?

Regretfully Decline

P.S. She as already said that her feelings were hurt because she would not be a bridesmaid in my wedding (I'm not having any at all).

Dear RD,

What you tell your friend all depends on what you want and are able to do, so decide first exactly where your commitment will be.

Do you want to remain a bridesmaid even though you will be limiting your participation? Do you want to step down entirely?

Once you've figured out your plan, call your friend and speak to her. Do not leave a message or send an email. This issue is worthy of an actual conversation. It doesn't matter that she seems a bit bratty. It doesn't matter that she claims to be sullen about your decision not to have bridesmaids. You need to be responsible for your behavior towards your friend. So, tell her about your limits. Be gentle and honest and apologetic. She offered you an honor, regardless of how many annoying requirements went along with the job.

It is perfectly fair for you to have to take care of yourself and your life and speaking to your friend soon will afford her plenty of time to react to your decision. It would be nice if you then maintained your relationship with her and expressed some interest in her plans and activities. You are removing yourself from the job, but in all likelihood don't want to break off your friendship.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:37 AM    <link>

EVENT REMINDER

It's sweltering in Manhattan, but there is almost certainly good air conditioning at the McNally Robinson bookstore at 52 Prince Street in Nolita. On Wednesday, July 11th, I will be there in the good company of Kamy Wicoff, Vicki Howard and Jill Eisenstadt, talking about Weddings, Women and American Culture. Things get going at 7:00 PM.

The neighborhood is full of tasty food and interesting desserts, so there's no chance of going hungry.

posted by Elise at 8:26 AM    <link>

GRANDDAUGHTER WITH BAD ATTITUDE

Dear Elise,

I had 2 adult children, a son and daughter. My son died of colon cancer almost five months ago. During his illness, on 3 occasions, my daughter left her busy law practice and her family to fly to be with her brother in the hospital.

My son's daughter just graduated high school, and my daughter again flew to attend her graduation ceremony.

Now my daughter's daughter is having her Bat Mitzvah in September and my son's daughter just said that attending the event would be "too inconvenient" because she will be about to start her second week of college classes.

When I saw my daughter in tears over this lame excuse, I sent an e-mail to this granddaughter politely suggesting that she reconsider her decision not to come since her now deceased father NEVER missed family celebrations and would have wanted her to go in his place. I explained that her presence would be especially significant in lieu of his absence.

My granddaughter never responded and I just learned that
She called her mother (my son's widow) to complain about my "audacity"

How off base was I?

How thoughtless is she?

Sad

Dear Sad,

I'm very sorry for your loss, first of all.

There are a lot of practical questions floating around here. How does your granddaughter know that she will even have classes that day after the Bat Mitzvah? Surely she doesn't select her classes months before she has even been assigned a dorm room.

But that doesn't help you much. I don't know where her reluctance comes from. Perhaps she is reeling from the trauma of losing her father and doesn't want to see her family and face everyone's still-fresh pain, as understandable as it is. Perhaps she is looking forward to school as a chance to break away from a long season of great emotional difficulty (her father's illness) and you are casualties of her needing a fresh start. I couldn't say. I also can't comment on the tone of your email and whether it was gentle or angry enough to make her defensive.

Rather than quantify just how "thoughtless" she is or how "off base" your granddaughter thinks you are, perhaps it would be wiser to see where you can go from here.

Does your daughter still want to even look at her brother's child being sullen at what it otherwise a happy event? Do you? Is this a battle worth fighting? Have you tried talking to your son's widow about what might be going on with her daughter? This is a teenager who is being less than tactful and less than empathetic, but who has also been left to her own devices about this decision. If anyone is going to make her do something it should be her mother.

There is little you can do now, of course. I don't know the tone of your note or what your granddaughter said, but clearly you are in pain and now your feelings are hurt on top of that and she is in pain and feeling defensive at having been corrected.

At this point, you can talk to your son's widow and ask her what she thinks about her daughter's state of mind, but don't tell her what to do about her kid. Then put the whole matter out of your mind. You don't need to make yourself more upset and there are months to go before the big event anyway. The more you agitate, the less likely your granddaughter will come around. In the end it won't matter. You have a Bat Mitzvah to celebrate whether or not your son's daughter attends. You and she can always find time later to reestablish a connection.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:17 PM    <link>

CAN LATENESS BE OUTSMARTED? SHOULD IT BE?

Dear Elise,

Due to our caterer's setup restrictions, our ceremony and vows will not begin until 6:30pm (although we are allowed into our venue at 5pm). My fiance and I are concerned that some of our friends will not show up on time and may wander in during the middle of our vows, or miss them completely.

So the question is: on the invitation, should we name 6:30 as the time and hope that guests understand on their own to show up early to park, take their seats, etc.? I'd prefer to put 6:00pm to allow some leeway for people to make sure they are there for the ceremony. Is it rude to ask our punctual friends and family to show up half an hour early in order to ensure the stragglers don't miss the ceremony? Frankly, I don't even believe that saying "ceremony will begin at 6:30" would give these people the hint to arrive early. We're not planning on providing appetizers and drinks until after the vows, so I'm afraid people will be annoyed if they're just standing around with nothing to do.

Are invitations supposed to give the actual time the ceremony will begin, or the time when guests should arrive?

Thanks,

Trying to Offset the Slowpokes

Dear Trying,

No matter how hard you try, your blundering guests will always out maneuver you. There is absolutely nothing you can do to save your friends and relatives from themselves.

So with that in mind, compose your wedding invitations according to the time you intend to get married. If you have theater ticket, you understand the performance will actually start at eight o'clock, not whenever you find a parking spot. Take the same approach with your invitations. If your guests simply can't get it together to show up someplace on time, the loss is theirs, not yours. It is not your job to try to mind read and second-guess your friends, though you're already working hard to see the ways in which they can be late. Forget the excuses. If they want to be on time, they will be (barring, of course acts of God), and if they screw up, it certainly isn't incumbent upon you to hold off on your ceremony to accommodate their sluggishness.

In the scenario you envision, you wind up "punishing" the people least likely to be late, and all of the punctual folks will be standing around, wishing they had an ice-breaking drink or hors d'oeuvre to gnaw on . Reward people for being on time, and if some stragglers miss your ceremony, it is their problem, not yours. Your marriage will still be valid even if a handful of guests only caught the kiss that seals the deal.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:24 AM    <link>

DEMANDING BRIDE FREAKS OUT MAID OF HONOR

Dear Elise,

I was asked to be the maid of honor in a classmate's upcoming wedding. This request was completely shocking to me because we were only casual friends. Because I was caught so off-guard, I wasn't able to gather my thoughts and politely decline. I accepted the position and have regretted it every day since.

The bride is demanding in every way; she picked out a $275 bridesmaid dress with expensive shoes dyed to match, insists I grow out my hair so I can put it in the updo she has chosen, etc. However, the real problem is her expectations for the bridal shower.

I am broke and envisioned a small local shower for the bride's friends. She chose an upscale venue in her hometown (five hours away from where I live) that costs hundreds of dollars to rent and gave me a guest list that includes EVERY FEMALE who is being invited to her wedding. Am I completely out-of-touch, or is that crazy? She wants favors for every guest, a full meal (since almost all guests will be traveling to get there), live music, the list goes on. There is absolutely no way I can afford this. She is completely aware of my financial situation, but told me this is the maid-of-honor's responsibility and that I am expected to cover all the costs. She said I cannot ask her parents to contribute anything because they are paying for the wedding, and she doesn't want to burden her out-of-state aunts. There is only one other bridesmaid (whom I have never met) and she is flying to her here, so I don't feel comfortable hitting her up for help.

I am sick to my stomach about this. The shower she is demanding will cost me more than I currently make in two months. Is it realistic for this bride to expect someone in my financial situation to throw an eleborate shower for 100 guests? I have never heard of anything like this. What can I do?

Stressed-Out M.O.H.

Dear Stressed-Out,

Indeed it sounds that you are overwhelmed and for good reason, but you must recognize one thing first: you were not tricked into being this woman's maid of honor. If you said "yes" to her invitation, you could have talked to her an hour or a day or two weeks later and explained that the whole endeavor is more than you can handle. You did not do this, so while you can be upset about the obligations, it would be off-base of you to be angry at your friend for initially asking you to be in her wedding.

Now, to your problems, which are legitimate. First of all, it is not the maid of honor's job, typically, to finance everything single-handedly. Usually the maid of honor is in charge of the planning while the other bridesmaids pool their resources (the other bridesmaid may be prepared to contribute something to the proceedings, though the bride's wishes are beyond extravagant). It is also not the place of the bride to dictate the terms of a party that her friends must pay for. It is actually a little odd that she is doing all of the planning for this shower since typically the wedding party does this in collaboration with the bride to prevent this sort of thing from happening. Finally, no one ever, ever, ever is required to go into debt for a friend's wedding.

While you are clearly in a state, you can't continue to let this bride's wishes just happen to you. You should really do something. How much money can you comfortably spend on this shower? Decide on a budget and tell your friend how much money you can put up and that she can have any party she wants but that your finances are limited. That is the end of it. It isn't your job to go into debt. Having said that, it IS incumbent on you to express yourself and let the bride know exactly what you can contribute. Pick up the telephone and call your friend. Tell her what you can afford and ask her where she wants to compromise.

As a general matter, you are correct that showers are usually more intimate affairs since guests must bring presents. One hundred people is a few dozen too many, one suspects.

So talk to your friend, be clear about your abilities, do not back down and be glad that the worst she can do is fire you. You can only tumble into debt if you allow it, so put on the brakes.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:11 AM    <link>

WHAT DO THEY WANT ME TO WEAR?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are invited to an out-of-town wedding. The ceremony is at 3 pm and the reception about 15 minutes away at 6 pm. The reception attire is described as "black-tie optional." Does this mean we are expected to be in formal wear at the ceremony, too, or can we wear different clothes to each event?

Thanks!

Outfit Issues

Dear Outfit,

Well this is a sort of strange sartorial question indeed. What do your hosts mean by "black tie optional"? Do they mean that they would prefer you to wear black tie attire but feel guilty about it? It is oddly passive-aggressive, or better put aggressive-passive to write "black tie optional" as if to say: "I want you to dress up. But only if you feel like it." This is not helpful. A "black tie" request, by the way, does not automatically mean that men must wear tuxedos: a dark suit will work very well.

Do you know what sort of venue the ceremony will be in? This will help guide you a little bit. If it is a very formal location, you will probably be happiest if you are dressed-up at both events, though you may need to do some tweaking in-between. Your fiance, if he is wearing a tuxedo or a dark suit, could wear that to both wedding and reception. You, on the other hand, may want to change. It sounds as if you will want to wear some sort of daytime formal dress to the wedding and then a gown or at least more "evening-esque" dress (floor-length or beaded what have you) starting at 6:00. This is what I suspect your hosts have in mind, but are reluctant to say.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:15 AM    <link>

SUPER LATE INVITE

Dear Elise,

I have a friend from work who I didn't invite to my wedding. We had been close before but sort of drifted apart in the last few months. In fact, I didn't even tell him about the wedding until today, 5 days before! He was happy for me, but I can't help feeling a twinge of guilt for not talking to him about it, let alone not inviting him. (We're inviting other co-workers whom he knows and is close with some of them.) I want to ask him to come, but of course his will come across as a Z-list invitation. Should I just stand by my original decision and keep him off the guest list? Is there a way to invite him without appearing rude?

Thanks!

Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable,

The safest route to take really is to leave matters where they are right now. You didn't invite your colleague. He knows this and has probably already formed an opinion about the fact that he was left off your guest list. (This opinion might not be negative at all. He may have reached the same conclusion that you did: you and he are just not close.)

The only reason to invite him so very late is if you know that he really wouldn't mind at all being included so casually. You would have to be quite certain about his feelings, since this is extremely dangerous territory and no one wants to be considered an afterthought.

If this is not the case, don't look back. You can of course continue to be friends with this guy if he doesn't attend your wedding, so why muck with things? Everyone knows that wedding guest lists are inevitably the result of endless compromise, so you have a perfectly reasonable reason for not inviting him. It would be safest to leave it at that, though when you get back to the office, you would do well not to discuss your nuptials endlessly around him. That could potentially create the appearance of rubbing it in.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:50 PM    <link>

(IM)PURRFECT INVITATIONS?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning an informal, fun wedding and are paying for the ceremony and reception ourselves.
We were thinking of addressing the invites from our cats ("Lucas and Zachary invite you to the wedding of Their Humans..." etc.), with pawprint "signatures" at the bottom. My concern is that this might offend my fiance's parents, who are paying for the rehearsal dinner and helping us with our honeymoon. However, I would not want to list their names without including my parents as well.

A possible compromise is to keep the invite from the cats, but include "daughter of" and "son of". Does this sound reasonable (if a bit wordy)? Or is the whole cat thing just too wacky (even though our friends and family would not be surprised and it's the silly kind of thing that we are known do?)

Thanks for you expert eye,

Poking Fun at Traditions

Dear Poking,

There is nothing rude about listing your cats as your wedding's hosts, though your crowd might take you to task for excessive whimsy, so brace yourselves for eye rolling. You're describing a silly invitation, but you know that.

As a matter of form, of course, you can create the invitation that you want regardless of financial contributions. Since you are paying for everything, you can host your wedding as in:

BRIDE'S NAME
And
GROOM'S NAME
request the honor of your presence
at their wedding
Date
Time
Place

You could also create an invitation that includes all the parents, regardless of money:

BRIDE'S PARENTS NAMES
and
GROOM'S PARENTS NAMES
Request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
BRIDE'S NAME
and
GROOM'S NAME
Date
Time
Place

You could also use the "son of/daughter of" construction you suggest, though that won't really deal with the question of naming hosts. All in all you do have choices. If you do decide to go with the cats as hosts, know that you may get some flak for it, especially if any or all of the parents in question were hoping to be named. How goofy do you want to be for your wedding? How much will you have to grit your teeth when fielding questions from whatever anti-goofy contingent you are inviting? Do you want to be known as the people with the silly invitations?

Really, it is up to you entirely, but the best approach to take will be for you to embrace cat or cat-free invitations NOT because you're trying to avoid hurting anyone's feelings (those excuses will inevitably sound extremely odd) but because you truly feel your cats would welcome all of your guests if they could express an opinion on the matter.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:05 AM    <link>

AN INVITATION

If you're on the fair island of Manhattan next week, July 11th, and looking for something to pique your interest in the evening, stop by the McNally Robinson bookstore at 52 Prince Street in Nolita. Everything starts at 7:00 PM, which will leave you able to grab dinner at rather Continental hour.

I will be participating in a panel discussion, moderated by Jessica Stockton, on Weddings, Women, and American Culture with Kamy Wicoff (author of I Do But I Don't: Walking Down the Aisle Without Losing Your Mind), Vicki Howard (who wrote Brides, Inc.: American Weddings and the Business of Tradition) and novelist Jill Eisenstadt (who was a contributor, as I also was, to the anthology Altared: Bridezillas, Bewilderment, Big Love, Breakups and What Women Really Think About Contemporary Weddings

posted by Elise at 9:53 AM    <link>

ELOPING ISSUES

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I got engaged about six months ago, and I had only announced it to my parents and my two brothers, we had not yet picked a date or planned anything, we had both always wanted a small intimate wedding. My father and I were very close, and I wanted him to be a big part of my wedding but he unfortunately passed away unexpectedly. Now I would rather just elope than plan out a big wedding, my mother and both my brother's agree with me on this. My fiance is not close to his family so that does not pose a problem.

The only problem is my dad had told his brothers and sisters (all thirteen of them) about my engagement, and I feel obligated, because my Dad had always wanted them to see me get married but they live far away. Is it wrong to just elope? Is there a nice way I could announce this to them without making them feel bad?

Also, my father passed away due to a heart attack, is it okay to include in my official engagement announcement, that in lieu of any gifts that I'd just like everyone to make a donation (of any denomination) to the American Heart Association? I just don't think I can bear going through a big wedding without my Dad, and I don't think I can elope and come back and plan a reception for everyone because I don't have the financial means.

- Family Obligated

Dear FO,

I am very sorry for your loss.

The answers to your questions are "yes" and "no," respectively.

To begin, you are absolutely entitled to elope. The circumstances of your life have changed since you got engaged and your aunts and uncles will surely understand that you feel differently about the style of wedding you want to have. They may be disappointed, but when you have time and resources you can always have modified celebrations with them after the fact.

Your second question about charitable donations is complicated. First, engagement announcements come in two standard forms: printed in the local paper and spread informally in conversation (or in this day and age, email) or in the form of party toasts. They are not made in printed mailings, so this at once saves you having to go to the stationers and precludes making any mention about presents or what you would like to substitute for presents.

Really, even if you were having a big wedding, it would be uncomfortable for you to solicit charitable donations on your invitation. This is the kind of request you can spread through word of mouth or on a wedding web site. Even if it is a charitable gesture, it is not quite appropriate to put any sort of financial request on an invitation (or wedding announcement). If you were having a regular wedding, you could use the charity of your choice as your "registry," or register with organizations like the I Do Foundation, but since you are eloping and not having a secondary reception, it will be hard to talk to people about what you want them to do about presents (since they aren't being invited to anything). Your best bet is to simply wait until you are asked what you want, after which you can tell your friends and family about your interest in the American Heart Association. I know this seems odd, but elopements have different rules from regular weddings, and so you will have to modify your expectations.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:47 AM    <link>

NAMING THE TIME

Dear Elise

Is five o'clock the evening or the afternoon? Please advise.

Clockwatcher

Dear Clockwatcher,

Since the time for evening dress really kicks in at six o'clock PM, and there's nothing wrong with being consistent, it would be safe to call five o'clock "afternoon". If anyone quibbles you can always say that you wanted to make matters clear to any men who might be tempted to put on their tails that they would be jumping the gun, attire-wise.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:55 AM    <link>

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