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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Friday, August 31, 2007

OCCASIONALLY ANGRY SISTER

Dear Elise,

Both of my parents are no longer living and my fiance has an extremely small family, with no natural siblings. He didn't want to have any wedding attendants, but since I wanted at least one, he decided he'd ask his father to stand up with him. I've decided to ask my younger sister, who's my closest friend, to stand up with me.

I also have an older sister, with whom I have a complicated history. She is mercurial, manipulative, skilled at emotional blackmail and very difficult to trust. I do love her, want her involved in our wedding, and don't want to hurt her. But I'm wary of having her as an attendant. I'm trying to walk the line between including my older sister enough to make her feel happy and preserve harmony, but not so much that she will be capable of stressing everyone out if she has a change of heart. My plan is to ask her, along with my older brother, to stand in for our late parents in the ceremony by walking down the aisle first, followed by my younger brother and my brother-in-law (her husband). In the months leading up to the wedding, I plan to ask my older sister's advice and keep her looped in on wedding planning. Is this fair-handed enough?

Sincerely,
Trying to be a Bridal Diplomat

Dear Trying,

What you propose sounds quite reasonable. You aren't giving your problematic sister excessive responsibilities that she can twist around to make you seem demanding or flake out about. Asking her to stand in your mother's place is a gracious gesture and once that she certainly can't find offensive or questionable in any way.

Take care not to explain your rationale to your sister. This sounds obvious but if she is manipulative you may find she tries to trap you into explaining your feelings. If she does, just say that you wanted her and your brother to stand in your parents' places escorting you down the aisle and that it would make you really happy. Don't respond to any possible prods she gives you if she decides to find a reason to be insulted. Just act as if this is an incredible honor, which it is. Stay the course and you won't fall into any traps.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:36 AM    <link>

REVEIVING LINE GREETINGS

Dear Elise,

This may be one of the oddest, fussiest questions you've ever had.

I recently moved to the South and fell in love with a local. I've been invited by name (not "Guest") to his stepbrother's wedding.

I'm concerned about the receiving line. I remember overhearing somewhere, that is traditional to congratulate the bride and groom differently, with one being offered "Congratulations" and the other being offered "best wishes." I don't remember which is which, and although this is the kind of etiquette question that inspires facial twitches in me, I find myself wishing to respect the traditions, so that if we someday plan an indie wedding, people will know that we've done so because it is meaningful to us, and not because he's under the influence some godless Yankee who doesn't know any better.

Thanks!
Tongue-tied in the South

Dear Tongue-tied

Your question is actually neither odd nor fussy and happily has a nice, concrete answer.

To cut to the chase, traditionally, and not just in the South, one should congratulate the husband and offer best wishes to the bride.

Before you smirk, there is actually some rationale behind this convention. It was thought to be a bit insulting to the bride to offer "congratulations" as if she had achieved something great by snaring a husband, implying that the success was managed against all odds or was achieved with great calculation, not romance.

People have largely stopped thinking about the delicacies of this phraseology so often people just say that congratulating the bride is "bad luck" or "taboo," in fact, fabulous 1946 movie Gilda, in fact, has a whole scene about the questionable wisdom of bride congratulating.

As far as protocols of etiquette making your teeth itch, this sort of thing can't be so bad, now that you know the quaint but considerate rationale behind it. Try not to think of etiquette as being bullying or petty. What is at the bottom of many of the most basic policies is an urge to make people comfortable. Not only does etiquette teach good behavior it also shows people how to deal when others behave poorly. So before you dismiss it, let it work for you. Even if you have the most "indie" of weddings, you'll still want everyone to be comfortable and if good manners help you achieve that goal, hey, they're free and available to everyone.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:29 AM    <link>

TWO RECEPTIONS, TWO INVITES

Dear Elise,

Most of our families will be traveling to another state for our wedding, and since our guest list started looking so big, we decided to invite some people to the wedding and others to a reception in the groom's home state after the honeymoon for those who were either not invited to the wedding or who could not travel to attend it.

Our questions are about how to deal with our invitations.

1. Some people will be invited to the wedding and small reception immediately following the wedding. This group will include aunts and uncles and we would like to give first cousins the option of choosing whether they would like to attend the wedding out of state or just the reception that is planned to take place after the honeymoon.

2. We want to invite our second and third cousins to the party that will be thrown after our honeymoon.

The problem is we don't know how to word all of this in the invitations. Should the first cousins be sent a card and asked to check where they will be attending?

All of the first cousins are adults with children (the third and fourth cousins) in ages ranging from infants to adults. We will only be inviting children to the second reception. How do we gracefully explain the invitations? We just can't send out something that says, "YOU have the choice of attending the wedding or the second reception but your children and their children are only invited to the second reception."

Big Family

Dear Big Family,

The best thing to do is to admit that you are throwing two separate parties and as a result need two separate invitations. These events are surely going to be separated by a period of weeks anyway, so there is no need to confuse matters for yourself or for anyone else by acting as if they are all happening at the same time.

Send invitations to your wedding and only write the names of the people you intend to invite on the envelope. You will have to deal with some phone calls asking if children can attend, but that is inevitable. Then, in a separate mailing, invite your larger crowd to your reception and, again, write everyone's names on the invitation so that it is clear that you mean to invite all of the children. Don't try to handle it all in one invitation. Not only are these two separate affairs, you'll only wind up causing confusion and possibly unintentionally insulting someone who fails to understand the intricate invitation system you're working on.

Simplicity is key, so do mailings that are idiot-proof and spare yourselves additional complications.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:23 AM    <link>

WEDDING PARTY QUIBBLES

Hello Elise!

Recently my fiance and I asked the family members and friends we'd like in our wedding party if they would like to stand up with us. We carefully chose these women and men, all of whom happen to be "single" (which we define as not living with or married to their companions).

Now a couple of issues have come up. One is that I chose not to invite one of my closest girlfriends to be in my bridal party because she did not invite me to be part of hers. I was at her wedding, but she did not invite me to be part of the ceremony, nor did she invite me to her rehearsal dinner. Despite this, I think she may be upset that I didn't ask her to be in my bridal party, but we have not openly talked about it. Did I do the right thing, and should I talk with her about my decision?

The other issue is that since my fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, we will be asking all "single" people to arrive without dates. A few people in our wedding party are not happy about this. They keep asking if they can just give me some money to pay for their dates' meal, or if I will just reconsider. Since many people invited to the wedding are "single", I feel that the no-date rule should apply to everyone "single" or apply to no one. How can I convince my nagging friends and family of our logic?

- The Single Bridesmaid Dilemma

Dear Single Bridesmaid Dilemma,

Wedding party issues are invariably tricky, so don't feel bad about being confused.

In answer to your first question, you certainly are under no obligation to discuss with your friend the reasons why you didn't ask her to be in your wedding. If she asks, you don't have to tell her that you are retaliating for being left out of hers. You can explain your choice in plenty of other ways. As far as whether or not you did the right thing, you've encountered the fundamental difficulty about wedding parties. The whole business is usually very difficult. Leaving people out is hard, asking people to spend a lot of money and time on your wedding is hard. In the larger picture of your friendship, you can either talk to your friend to clear the air about your hard feeling regarding her wedding, or not, but if you're set on your wedding party then you can just let it all rest and hope that everything will be normal again after your wedding, when this sort of issue will have been put to bed.

The other question about whether single members of the wedding party can bring dates is one in which you must be very clear and absolute in the lines you draw. Are you excluding anyone who really is in a committed relationship with one of your wedding party members, who really would otherwise be invited to a wedding? Or are you more concerned about people who are just asking of they can bring a "plus one?" Make sure you aren't excluding anyone who really should be invited, but as long as you're just not permitting extra dates, you are making a perfectly reasonable choice.

The main reason why you can't allow "plus ones" is that if you permit even one, you have to permit them for everyone and you can't accommodate the extra numbers. If you keep explaining this to your guests, you stand a good chance of minimizing complaints. Stand firm.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:49 AM    <link>

TAMING THE TRADITIONAL MOTHER

Dear Elise,

My mom and dad have been nice enough to pay for the wedding. My parents are very traditional and felt that the bride's family should pay for the wedding. I was grateful for that because my fiance and I would not have been able to afford much. However, I keep running into problems with my mom. She is trying to control everything. I have let her take care of a lot of the most traditional things, but there are a few things I'd like to do in non-traditional ways and we fight over these.

I don't want to fight with her anymore, and recently my fiancee has been coming to the meetings with us as a buffer, but I know he is busy and I want to find another way. Do you have any suggestions on how to approach this with my mom? She gets very upset easily and every time I have tried to talk with her about this she has just gotten angrier with me. I would appreciate any advice you might have on dealing with my momzilla, as my fiance and I like to call her.

Thanks!

Hopeful Thinking

Dear Hopeful,

Since you aren't specific about the things you and your mother are fighting about, I can't offer focused advice, but here are some general tips.

In the first place, and I think you understand this: if other people pay for your wedding, you are somewhat subject to their influence, or at least must make your wedding planning a sincere collaboration. The currency of autonomy is what you are sacrificing in accepting your parents' generosity. This isn't a bad thing at all.

Part of your struggle surely comes from your desire to be an adult and make decisions for yourself and you are probably feeling that your mother is treating you as if you were still a child. To avoid feeling infantilized, always act like a grown-up. Do not pitch fits or sulk, always explain yourself and treat your mother with dignity. Her choices might not be yours, but instead of dismissing them outright or calling her "momzilla" try to see where you can compromise.

Now, on the subject of compromise, try to approach your wedding as a series of specifics, rather than one big tug-of-war with your mother. Pick three elements that are absolutely important to you. They could be your dress, your cake, your music choices, your bridal party, anything. Once you have selected them, tell your mother that these are the things you care most deeply about and really need to handle on your own. Once those have been chosen, try to be comfortable about letting your mother have more control over other elements. You will seem much more reasonable and you'll still have the things that you feel most strongly about.

There is no question that wedding planning is incredibly difficult, but instead of slamming into your mother, look for the ways you can modify her ideas to suit both of you. It isn't always about rejecting "tradition" for something unconventional, and the trick for both you and your mother will be to navigate the enormous middle ground.

Congratulations

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:46 AM    <link>

SO, SO, SO MANY COUSINS

Dear Elise,

I'm getting married next spring in my hometown. We really wanted a small wedding but I have a big family. Each of my parents has 6 siblings, most are married and all of my aunts and uncles have between 2 and 4 children. I love my family and want them all to attend but, we are paying for the wedding ourselves and I'm really worried about cost.

Is it okay if we invite all the aunts and uncles but only the cousins who still live with their parents (under age 18)? Seven of my nieces and nephews will be in the wedding, and I would love to have all the kids there, but I don't think we can afford to invite all 40 cousins! There are also a few older cousins with whom I am friends and would like them to come, but if I invite them I’m not following my own rule about not inviting adult cousins. Is it okay to invite some cousins but not all?

As for addressing invitations, I would invite the few adult cousins I'm close to with phone calls, and then I would address invitations to aunts/uncles with adult children with just "Mr. and Mrs. Aunt/Uncle?" For aunts/uncles with children under age 18 it would say to "The X Family." Is this okay?

Thanks,

Confused

Dear Confused,

You're digging yourself into a pretty deep hole, so if you do it, understand that you may wind up with angry relatives, particularly if your family is close.

In situations where you have an "18 and under" age policy, will you be excluding cousins who are over your age limit while including their younger brothers and sisters? How uncomfortable will that be for everyone? You are also talking about completely breaking your policy and picking and choosing some additional cousins to invite because you like them best. This is also a problem. Really, if you follow this plan you are almost guaranteed of having angry uncles and aunts and hurt cousins who can't understand why you don't like them, particularly if you create a "rule" (even a questionable one) and then break it to suit your interests. I can't recommend that you do this.

One route you could take is to invite only the seven cousins who are actually going to be in your wedding and excluding the rest of them. This will still be uncomfortable but keeps your subset of invited cousins small enough to make your decision seem reasonable (in that you really are cutting way down on your head count if you are only inviting seven out of forty cousins).

Consistency, really, is the best policy when it comes to avoiding hurt feelings. There is no way around it, unless you are willing to accept the likelihood that you will have some very cranky relatives calling you and your parents, staring daggers at you at holiday parties. You may find, upon examining this problem more closely, that it is more worth it to you to change some of your plans, and economize in other areas of your wedding, so that you can accommodate everyone or to exclude almost all of the cousins.

As far as envelope addressing, if you address an invitation to "Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Soando and Family" you are actually implying that you mean to invite everyone who lives at the Soandso residence, all children living at home, all grandparents or cousins, everyone. Addressing an invitation to "The Soandso Family" is a little informal and implies the same thing as the more formal construction suggested above. To invite people who are not living with their parents, you would be best off finding out where they live and sending invitations to them at their houses. You can also telephone people if you're being informal.

In general, you are safest being specific with your invitations and not offering a lot of room for interpretation.

Take counsel and see if you can't reach some sort of conclusion that isn't going to wind up with sad or confused relatives.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:55 AM    <link>

ALL GRANDMOTHERS TO THE BABY SHOWER

Dear Elise,

I am having a baby shower for my daughter who is expecting her first baby. She is not married to the baby's father. Unfortunately they are going through rough times in their relationship. My daughter and I feel it would only be right to ask his mother if she would like to come to the baby shower. What do you think?

Thanks for your help.

Almost a Grandmother

Dear Almost,

I think that it is incredibly gracious and appropriate for you to invite this baby's second grandmother to the shower, regardless of other obstacles. If your daughter is comfortable with inviting her, it would absolutely be a wonderful gesture. At this point, anything you can do to ease relations and ensure that the baby will have relationships with his or her extended families, is in the best of taste.

Congratulations to both you and your daughter on the coming baby, of course, and for being so generous of spirit. Regardless of what happens to your daughter's relationship with her baby's father, the baby is still related to him and his family. It is nice that you are willing to make an effort on the child's behalf.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:10 PM    <link>

MOTHER WANTS TO INVITE SISTER

Dear Elise,

I have an estranged sibling. She was very cruel to me growing-up and even now as an adult. Her behavior is totally out of place and she has been getting into trouble at work for some of her anger issues. We cannot talk about our relationship without her yelling and going into a violent rage. I still see her at family events and it is awkward.

Recently, my mother-in-law invited my parents over for a picnic on Labor Day (my birthday). My mom wants me to ask my mother-in-law to invite my sister. She told me it would make her sad if my sister were not there and that she is still family. However, I feel this is my mother-in-law's party and not our family party. I feel that my mother-in-law can invite whomever she chooses. This is not a family event like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Memorial Day, or Easter.

Help.

Don't Want to See Her

Dear Don't Want,

Your relationship with your sister is unfortunate, but, in truth, it is almost a secondary issue when it comes to your mother-in-law's party. Really, this is your in-laws' event and as a result they are in charge of the guest list. It is not your mother's place to commandeer it for her own purposes.

Of course, if your mother wants to have a party, she is absolutely entitled to invite anyone she likes, you, your sister, your in-laws, your third-grade teacher, anyone. Then you will have to figure out a good course of action for dealing with your mean sibling.

That not being the case, you can tell your mother that you don't feel comfortable asking your mother-in-law to make changes to her guest list and leave it at that. Do not discuss this in terms of your sister's bad behavior or your history with her, simply say that this is not your party and you are not in charge of invitations and that your mother has the rest of the long weekend to hang out with your sister.

Cheers and many happy returns,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:37 AM    <link>

SHOULD I SEND SOMETHING?

Hello,

I have a friend who is getting married. He and I were very close a couple years ago and are still in casual contact with each other. I am unable to attend his wedding and reception. I would like to send a card, but I am uncertain about the gift. Is a gift required? Should I send a check? What would be a customary amount for this situation?

Still Friendly

Dear SF,

In a situation like yours, there are tons of possibilities. It is absolutely appropriate to send a card congratulating your friend and wishing him and his new wife the best. You can also send, if you are moved to do so, a small present (a book, for instance, or a tiny but exceptionally useful kitchen implement), or if you want to make a larger gesture you could find out if he and his almost wife are registered somewhere and get them a present off of their registry. As far as cash presents go, there are never any rules about how much is appropriate to give, but if you don't feel comfortable writing a check, you most certainly don't have to. This is always the case. Even people who are present at the wedding and reception are not expected to bankrupt themselves.

Really, especially if you are not attending the wedding or reception, you have a lot of freedom about gift options. Send your friend a card and, if you are moved to do so, a present you can afford that you think he and his wife would enjoy and that is all you have to think about.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:24 PM    <link>

ONE PERSON'S FUN IS ANOTHER PERSON'S PAIN

Dear Elise,

Two of my oldest and closest friends are getting married. They are having a destination wedding soon and I'll be traveling for the best part of the week. I just received a wedding information packet, detailing the many activities that are planned for the week.

Two things struck me as particularly unreasonable requests. The first is a fancy dress party a couple of days before the wedding, and costume is compulsory! I'll be traveling by train so space in my luggage will be limited and I don't want to haul a costume around. This wedding is also costing quite a bit of money and I don't feel like I should have to purchase a costume or accessories for this event.

Secondly, as part of the reception there will be a dance competition where we are expected to compete in teams for a prize. This couple is known for their crazy ideas and sitting it out won't really be an option, yet I feel very uncomfortable about the thought of this. Should I tell them that they're bestowing unreasonable requests on their guests, who have already had to go to great expense and time to attend the wedding? Or just suck it up and go along with it, which will cause me some resentment on what should be a happy occasion?

Thanks!

- Annoyed Guest

Dear Annoyed,

It is indeed annoying when one's friends want to involve you in complicated kinds of fun that are really only pleasurable to a small subset of the population. Usually, one can beg off this sort of thing but it looks as if you'll have to participate in a few activities.

As far as telling your friends that they're getting you down, don't do it. It is unlikely they'll understand and you'll only wind up picking a fight and making yourself more uncomfortable. There is no way your friends will understand your reluctance and will think you're just being a stick-in-the-mud. Apart from arriving just in time for the wedding (after the costume party has happened) and pretending you twisted your ankle and can't dance, you're probably going to have to play along.

In your place, I would suggest doing the minimum. If you don't want to make or rent or buy a costume, do something incredibly easy, and get yourself a domino mask, or two, either plain or sequined, and wear it with your party clothes. It is simple, inexpensive, easily packed, requires no extra make up, is suitably alluring and lets you participate without having to inconvenience yourself.

The dancing contest is another story and there is really no way out of that one. If you really have a problem with it, you could always find a way to get yourself disqualified early, though that might annoy the rest of your team. Really, all you can do here is play along with this levity, with the knowledge that there will be plenty of people who feel as you do. Treat yourself to an extra drink, wear comfortable shoes and make the best of it, knowing that it won't take too long.

I'm sorry these wedding extras, certainly invented with everyone's amusement in mind are unsettling to you. Find an easy, inexpensive middle ground and keep mum about your displeasure.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:17 AM    <link>

FAMILY AND WEIRD PAST

Dear Elise,

I have a brother and two younger sisters who are twins ("T1" and "T2"). The twins had a huge falling out when T1's fiance made a pass at T2, and other inappropriate and threatening gestures that rightly terrified her. He later admitted that he was in the wrong and apologized to T2 and our parents.

My parents have done their best to sweep this mess under the rug and T2 refused to attend T1's wedding. I thought T1's fiance's behavior was terrible but I did attend their wedding and stood up in it. The larger family didn't know about T1's now-husband's bad behavior and as a result T2's boycott of the wedding was widely discussed and she has been vilified.

Now I am getting married and would like to ask both of them to be maids of honor in my wedding. Is it inappropriate to ask T2 to stand up in my wedding? And, what's the etiquette for handling any extended family fallout regarding T2's presence? It was so hard for me to keep my mouth shut at T1's wedding. In fact, I spent most of the night in my hotel room so that I didn't have to hear the things being said or field questions as to why T2 wasn't there. As the "big sister" I am still very protective of both of them.

The Jerry Springer Family

Dear Springer Family,

I am very sorry your family was faced with this, and it is a shame that your parents haven't been more supportive of T2, who was surely traumatized by her now-brother-in-law. Having said that, you can't change the past and it isn't your responsibility to try to adjust everyone's personalities.

It would be a generous, optimistic and happy gesture if you invited both of your sisters to be your maids (or matrons) of honor. You should tell both of them that you want them to stand up with you and stress how much you love both of them. You don't need to suggest that you're trying to make peace. It would, frankly, not be in your interest to use the pretext of your wedding to open up old wounds. They will need to work out for themselves how they deal with each other at your nuptials and in their "civilian" lives.

If a lot of time has passed since the wedding that T2 boycotted, you don't have to say anything about it to your extended family. If you are pressed, you can say that you love your sister and want to have both of your sisters in your wedding party. You do not need to tell the story or reveal anything to show your support of her. Just keep your counsel and deflect all comments by saying that you are thrilled with the way things are working out. A positive spin on your plans will make it harder for prying people to get a foothold... or tongue-hold as the case may be.

You're doing a great job in a difficult situation. Keep your poise, don't overshare, and here's hoping your family will be in a mood to celebrate without revisiting the dark past at your wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:11 PM    <link>

PROXIMATE WEDDING WORRIES - 2 MORE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

1:

Dear Elise,

I read your response to the 8/15 question with interest, as I have a related situation. My cousin became engaged about two months after me, at which point my fiance and I had settled on a month in which to have our wedding and were about to book a venue.

My cousin and her fiance want to have their wedding that same month. We live across the country from each other, and all of our relatives would have to travel for both weddings. If she were to schedule hers within a couple weeks of mine this would make it very difficult for people to attend both (especially my elderly grandparents). A core group of relatives would be greatly missed at either wedding. Would your answer change in this case?

- Timing is Everything

Dear Timing,

How exactly would I change my answer? There is no way to work out a system of rules by which people whose families are scattered can only have one wedding a season. To establish some sort of rule would not only generate all sorts of family strife, it would also eradicate all sense of free will. People need to decide for themselves, balancing many, many factors on a wedding date. All they can do is control themselves. They really have no right to try to impose their wills on other people, especially when it comes to weddings not directly overlapping.

So, keeping in mind that each couple is responsible for one set of wedding plans, if you want to book your venue and send out a save the date card or email so that everyone is aware of the date you picked, then you have made your plans known first. That is the extent of how much you can assert yourselves. It is possible that once your cousin sees how far you've gone with your plans, she will re-investigate her calendar, but you aren't in a position to tell her what she should or shouldn't do.

If you are sufficiently worried, you can look in to changing your wedding date. All of this depends on how strongly you feel about having all of these family members at your wedding, versus how set you are on the particular date. It is of paramount importance to recognize that this is no contest, no power play. You need to find a wedding date that suits you, and if it means shifting around to accommodate another wedding, or someone you love's schedule, or a venue's availability or anything else, that is what you should do. There is no other way to handle it.

Dispense with any notions that the wedding game needs to be won or lost. Make your choices based on what is most important to you. If you can be flexible, that puts you at a huge advantage.

Congratulations,

Elise

2:

Dear Elise,

I have been engaged now for almost a year and a half. We finally set a date a couple months ago for next autumn, and already have put deposits down. Two days ago my best friend got engaged. She decided her wedding will be a couple of weeks before mine knowing my date, and everything we've already put into it.

I am hurt and upset. Not only does it seem to me that she's just trying to get married before me, I had already asked her to be in my wedding party, and she wants me to be in hers too. I told her I can't be in her wedding because I won't be able to afford the duties and dress and hair and everything, when hers is so close to mine.

Am I wrong to feel this way? I know that she's excited about everything, and I'm excited for her too. I'm just hurt and confused.

Miffed

Dear Miffed

Your feelings are understandable but there is nothing you can do about the situation, and really, what does it matter if your friend gets married a couple of weeks before you do? Does it change anything at all about your experience? Surely you and she weren't playing at some sort of "Who Gets to the Altar First?" game, and if your friend has decided to play it solo, she can be your guest because that behavior is silly.

Of course, you don't really know why your friend picked her wedding date. There could be dozens of factors influencing her (friend availability, family desires, vacation schedules and other issues I can't even imagine) that have nothing to do with you and your plans, so try not to be angry about her choice (which, by the way, could always change- there is plenty of time for that).

You have done all the right things, by the way, in terms of diplomacy. You told your friend well in advance that you wouldn't be able to be a member of her wedding, so he knows the score. Since you have already set your date and put down deposits, your friend can't expect you to alter your plans with respect to hers, so put all thoughts of that out of your mind.

Really, you're in fine shape. You can be a happy guest at your friend's wedding, free of all wedding party responsibilities and then you can have your own wedding happy in the knowledge that you will be free of large social obligations immediately afterwards.

Perhaps your friend is being ridiculous, perhaps not, but her wedding and yours are separate events that need to be planned independently of each other. If she turns out to be a bad friend, you won't have lost anything by not changing your plans and if she's good friend, she still will be long after you both are married and this question is long forgotten.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:51 PM    <link>

PARENTS AND THE WEDDING PARTY

Dear Elise,

I’m 28 years old and have been engaged for a while. My parents graciously offered to pay for the wedding, however, my mother has been taking over and is starting to dictate who should be in the wedding party.

My big problem is that my parents dislike my best friend (of 20 years). I went through a bad phase and she and I stayed out late all the time and didn't graduate on time and they completely blame her for all of my bad behavior. She is fun and liberal and my parents are religious and conservative, so I can see why they would react badly to her. I really want her as one of my bridesmaids but it is creating conflict.

Additionally I am very close to her parents and would love to invite them as well but my parents blame them for the way their daughter turned out and because it is a small wedding (70 people) I am wondering if I will feel the tension in the air if they show up and not be able to enjoy my special day. Do you have any advise how I should handle this? My fiancé was thinking that if my best friend comes as a guest instead of a bridesmaid then we can sit her and her parents at a table far away from my parents and maybe there will not be much conflict. I haven't even set a date yet because I cannot get my mind off of this. I love my best friend and don't want to tarnish our relationship but I love my parents more. Do you have any advise?

Thank you,
Conflicted and Torn

Dear C&T,

Where is the root of your problem? Are you concerned about how much control your parents are exerting over your wedding or are you worried about your friend's feelings?

You may be fed up with having your wedding so completely under your parents' control and in that case you should be able to speak to them calmly and frankly about how clearly you are in great shape, that your friend's bad influence had no lasting ill-effects and how they have no reason to feel threatened by her presence in your wedding.

If, on the other hand, you can't face your parents but also don't want to compromise your choices, you could completely erase the whole question of whether or not you will have your friend in your wedding party, by not having a wedding party at all. If your parents ask you why you've put the kibosh on bridesmaids, you can tell them honestly that you would rather not have a situation where you can't include your best friend. This would save you all kinds of annoyances in other areas as well.

On the topic of inviting your friend's parents, you need again to decide if you are willing to stand up for yourself or if you really can't face your parents. If your friends parents do attend your wedding, they should be welcomed like other guests. If your parents can't do that, they are, to be frank, childish and rude. Your wedding is no place to demonstrate this kind of hostility, and since they clearly failed to damage you in any lasting way, they can't even be blamed for anything. If your parents don't like them, they can ignore them after giving them a nice "hello." You can seat them far away from your parents and they can ignore each other, which is relatively easy to do when there are 68 other people around.

Really, the decision is yours. You don't have to invite any of them but think hard about how much control you want your parents to have over everything and what it would mean to you not to be able to assert yourself even a little when it comes to your guest list. There are compromises to be found, but keep in mind that your parents, being adults, should be able to tolerate giving a friendly greeting to people who are important to you and it is a little odd how much control they want to assert over your wedding party.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:04 AM    <link>

HIS HORRIBLE FRIENDS

Dear Elise,

My fiance just crushed me with the news that he is going to invite two people I truly hate to our wedding. He has always known my disdain for them, and we agreed last month that they would not be invited. When I see these two guys who have zero morals or values, I literally get sick. He said he is inviting one because he considers him a "family friend." The other is being invited because he'll whine that he wasn't. My fiance is not budging.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel as if my fiance has no respect for my feelings and that he's being insensitive. I also worry that he won't respect my feelings after we get married: will he invite them to our house, to swim in our pool, come to our parties our parties? We had always agreed that I would not acknowledge their existence, but now he's forcing them on me by inviting them to our wedding. And god knows what else in the future. We're less than two months away from the wedding. What is your advice to me?

Angry

Dear Angry,

You have two separate problems, but it is confusing because the men you hate are emblematic of both of them.

First, you have to deal with the wedding guest list. Depending on how large a wedding you are having, compromising on having these guys attend might not be the worst thing in the world. This plan obviously works best for larger weddings where you won't have had to refrain from inviting people you actually like for them. Doing so will show your fiance that you're willing to compromise and let him take care of what he sees are familial obligations or duties to childhood friends. Keep in mind that you probably wouldn't have to deal with these guys much, if at all, at your wedding, since they would just be part of the larger crowd. This is not the best moment to male all sorts of declarations and ultimatums based on your wedding's guest list if you can possibly avoid them.

The second issue is more difficult because it seems to have implications about your larger relationship, and this is why compromise on the wedding front could really help you in the bigger picture. It sounds as if you're concerned that your fiance really doesn't stand behind your wish not to have these men in your life. Does your fiance know that you feel so threatened? Would he accept a deal where, in exchange for being able to invite his awful friends to the wedding, he will only see them on his and outside of your house? If you're really concerned about the possibility that he isn't taking care of your feelings or sticking up for you, you should tell him that.

In general, it is much more important that you hammer out the second issue than your wedding guest list problem. Weddings tend to be full of guests that the bride and groom rarely see after their nuptials (distant relatives, their parents' random friends) so if you have to find a point of compromise, you have a good opening.

Now what you need to do is talk to your fiance about your deeper concerns about the future. The fact that he wants his friends at your wedding isn't necessarily a bad sign, but you should take your instincts seriously and tell him that you're willing to bend on the wedding, but the rest of your life together is another story entirely.

Congratulations

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:58 AM    <link>

TWO WEDDINGS IN ONE MONTH

Dear Elise,
My daughter has been engaged with a wedding date set for August, 2008 since last September. Last week, my niece announced her engagement and said that that they are getting married 3 weeks prior to my daughter.

My daughter is extremely upset that my niece is getting married before she is. She feels that my niece should have planned her wedding after hers because my daughter's date was set first. Is she wrong to feel this way?

- Mother of the Bride

Dear Mother,
In a word? Yes. Yes, your daughter's anger is utterly misplaced. She is getting married and has plenty of things she can be dictatorial about, but her wedding doesn't entitle her to command an entire month, nor does it matter that some relative decides to get married first. Those two events are completely independent of each other. People choose wedding dates based on a lot of factors: work schedules, venue availability, when they can take vacation time, sentimental pretexts. None of those things have anything to do with the reasons your daughter picked her wedding date. She chose her wedding date for complicated reasons of her own.

Tell your daughter that your niece has stepped on no toes, broken no rule, offended no one. There are so many real things to worry about when planning a wedding that your daughter should redirect her energies elsewhere.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:48 AM    <link>

SHOULD I INVITE HIM?

Dear Elise,

Last year there was a big blow-up in the family over my stepbrother's wedding. It was at Christmas several hundreds of miles away from where I live. My mother, afraid I would be alone for Christmas asked if I might come, and offered to pay foe me. My stepbrother refused because he didn't want someone he didn't know so well at his wedding (people generally believe that he didn't want attention drawn to his odd family situation.)

Now I am planning my own wedding and am worried about looking petty. I am close with my stepsister and her stepsister and intend to invite them both, along with their spouses and children. I do not want to invite my stepbrother. I am not very close to him and have other family members I'd rather see. (My fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and are concerned about the budget.)

People are starting to ask and assume that since my stepbrother's sister and stepsister are coming, so is he. How do I deal with this?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

Well, the sad thing is that it is pretty much impossible not to invite your stepbrother without creating a situation that will make people thin you and he really don't care for each other. You are inviting his sister and stepsister and the fact that he is omitted will absolutely be noted.

One of the hard facts about family and wedding invitations is that one really must be rigorously equal: if you invite one aunt, you must invite all aunts and uncles; if you invite one stepsibling, you should really invite them all. Chances are, you will always be closer to some relatives than others, but in the interests of peace, you should maintain an even hand.

Why your stepbrother chose not to invite you to his wedding is a mystery and there is a good chance he was being obnoxious, but there is no need to stoop to his level. In fact, extending an invitation to him will only reinforce how cold he was with his guest list.

Just send him an invitation and forget about rocking the boat. If he is uncomfortable about everything, he may do you the favor of being unavailable, but at least you will have been gracious.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:38 AM    <link>

DON'T WAIT ON STATIONERY

Hi!

I have a question about thank you notes. I was married two months ago and haven't sent out thank you notes yet. I was waiting until I got my pictures because I want to include a picture of my groom and me along with the thank you note. My mother has suggested getting the picture made into a thank you note, the kind you can get from a photo kiosk in a mall.

I like the idea, but I'm concerned that it's a little too informal. I'm worried that all the notes will have the same generic thank you on it and it won't have that personal touch.

Any advice?
Thanks!
- Too Tacky?

Dear TT,

You are creating a huge obstacle for yourself by waiting for your photographs. Really, the best way to handle thank you notes is to write them as soon as possible, get them off your desk and out of your mind.

Really, your guests will be happy to get thank you notes in a timely fashion. Do it now before they start grumbling. It is much more important that you write the notes soon (so that people know you are grateful for the presents and that their gifts arrives safe and sound) than it is to have creative stationery. (You would also have benefited from writing your notes sooner than later because doing them gradually makes the task much more manageable.)

The stationery you use for your thank you notes can be utterly plain. No one would be offended by the absence of creative flourishes. Don't wait any longer on your photographs, and instead find some nice cards and start writing. If you want to send photos to your guests you can always do that at another time.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:18 AM    <link>

PARENTS AND MULTIPLE RECEPTIONS

Dear Elise,

Do the parents of the bride have to attend the second reception being held in another state? Or would this be totally unacceptable?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

It is difficult to answer your question without knowing which side of the issue you are on.

So.

If you are in the process of constructing the guest list for the second reception, you really should invite the parents of the bride. To omit them would be cause eyebrows to be raised everywhere and certainly set an odd tone for the proceedings. It might also make the bride feel a little uncomfortable if her parents were left out.

The opposite is mostly, but not necessarily true. If you are the parents of the bride, you should give careful thought to what it would mean to your hosts if you stayed home. If the party is being thrown by your daughter's new in-laws, it would certainly be politic to attend. On the other hand, if the party is more casual and primarily the province of friends of the newlyweds, you may find you have more flexibility.

You don't mention how much travel is involved, of course. Extended trips abroad, for instance, are a completely different story than an overnight scenario.

So if you are trying to decide whether or not to attend a party, be sensitive. Talk to your daughter and take the temperature of the situation. Attending the party is a gesture of confidence on your part.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:16 AM    <link>

OMIT THE DUD BOYFRIEND?

Hello,

My best friend is getting married in Maui and is trying to determine her guest list. She can only invite 60 people to the wedding and wants to be sure everyone in attendance is a close personal friend or family member.

One of her friends who would normally be invited to the ceremony is on the "tentative list" because no one can stand her boyfriend. Is it appropriate to invite just the friend and not include her boyfriend to a destination wedding, in Hawaii?

Helping Out

Dear Helping,

I suspect you know the answer to this question already. If this relationship your friend is in is a long-term, committed deal. If they are living together and would generally be invited to weddings as a unit if there weren't space considerations or questions of temperament, then yes, he really should be invited.

It is inevitable that at least some of your friends will choose partners you can't stand, or at least find incredibly annoying. There is nothing you can do about this If you want to see one half at the wedding, you really do have to invite both people. If the friend is invited alone, she will surely be offended and the friendship could easily be damaged beyond easy repair. Invite them both or cut them from the list.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:17 AM    <link>

MULTIPLE EVENTS & PRESENTS

Dear Elise,

Some friends of ours got married recently. The RSVP card that came with their wedding invitations said there was to be a reception held immediately following the destination wedding, a reception the following weekend in the city where the couple resides, and finally, a reception the weekend after that in the hometown of the groom's family. The invitation indicates that guests are welcome to RSVP to any and all of the receptions.

Knowing that the wedding was a destination wedding, we spent more on the shower gift than usual, intending to give only a card at the wedding. As it was, I'm afraid we were rushed and forgot to get the card, though there was no place to put gifts and cards if we had remembered. Now my boyfriend's mother insists that we must attend the local reception and bring a gift. We already spent money on a shower gift and on travel to the wedding; is another gift really necessary? Will it be rude if we attend the local reception since we already attended the destination reception, or rude if we don't attend it since we live in town? Also, if a further wedding present isn't necessary, should we go ahead and send a card to acknowledge the wedding, or do we need to attend the 2nd reception to deliver it in person? Does cost of our plates and the gift factor in at all? Both receptions are casual and cost less per plate for the two of us to attend both than what we spent on a gift, but that seems like a poor indicator of proper etiquette.

I don't want to offend our friends, but I would just as soon not spend any more time or money on this wedding. These multiple wedding events are giving me a headache.

Thanks,
Gifted Out

Dear GO,

This is a problem with weddings that have many events attached to them. Guests tend to get confused about how many of these parties they should attend and what sorts of presents they should give.

Really, you should only be expected to give presents at a shower and then in honor of the wedding (if you are moved to do so). If you can't afford a wedding present, you can of course send a sincere card thanking your friends for including you and letting them know that you had a great time. You can also send a card in conjunction with a small present if you feel uncomfortable sending just a card.

As far as not showing up at the event with a present in hand, this is not a problem. You saw that you wouldn't have had anywhere to leave your card or present had you brought one to the destination wedding anyway. In general, and this is a practical issue as much as it is one of etiquette. Sending presents to the bride and groom, either before or after the wedding, is not only accepted, but encouraged. That way the newlyweds aren't saddled with the problem of transporting things from the reception and getting them home before they get broken or lost or both.

Now, as far as "paying for your plate" goes, the whole concept of having to reimburse your hosts for your presence is not only ungracious but ludicrous. Give the wedding present you want to give and let your friends know how happy you are for them.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:31 AM    <link>

GUEST LIST FOR ENGAGEMENT PARTY

Dear Elise,

Our daughter is planning a small garden wedding about four hours away from our home. Only family members and close friends will be invited to the wedding.

Because my husband and I are very active socially in our hometown, we would like to host a party for friends who will not be invited to the wedding, giving them a chance to meet our daughter and her fiance. However, I’ve read that everyone invited to an engagement party must be invited to the wedding. Under the circumstances of her wanting a small wedding, that would be impossible. We just would like an opportunity to share our joy of her engagement with all our friends and business partners; we would also invite some of those on the wedding guest list, the ones who live within driving distance as family members live from coast to coast.

So, my question is: would hosting such an engagement party be a breach of etiquette?

Thank you,

Mother of the Bride


Dear Mother of the Bride,

Engagement parties are less of an oddity than, say, showers and there are fewer formal rules about how to handle them. Traditionally, engagement parties have taken the form of massive open house events or intimate dinners.

The best way to do what you propose is to have your party as far in advance of the wedding as possible. With that kind of temporal distance, you automatically emphasize that you are celebrating the fact of the engagement rather than the impending wedding. If questioned, you can say that the wedding plans appear to be intimate but that you wanted to celebrate with your friends. This is not unusual either. If asked, you can also emphasize the fact that you are having this party where you live because the wedding is far away.

If you are still uncomfortable you can switch your event to be a post-wedding "welcome to the family" affair and keep the same guest list you are planning on having. This would completely alleviate any fears that you have about guest lists and is another not-uncommon choice families in your situation (lots of friends, child having small wedding far away) often make.

Cheers and congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:34 AM    <link>

HOW MUCH FAMILY?

Dear Elise,

My stepdaughter is getting married and thinks she needs to invite all families (step families), which is ok with me but she also thinks she should invite distant cousins she has not seen in years. What should I do? We are on a very tight budget and really can't afford it.

Trying to Please

Dear TTP,

Figuring out how much family to invite to weddings is always hard. The only policy that you must absolutely keep an eye on is one of equality. If you invite first cousins, you should invite all first cousins. If you don't want to invite cousins because you haven't seen them in years, don't invite any of them. If the bride intends to invite her cousins, the groom should invite his. This not only ensures fairness, and reduces the competitive ire that tends to bubble up between the two families when it comes to the guest list, it also provides a way to set limits.

Your stepdaughter should understand that she is under no obligation to invite her entire extended family. If she remains firm about inviting everyone, you will have to speak with her about your budget and her expectations. If this is one of those "something has to give" situations, you can tell her that she can help offset the costs of the expanded guest list herself, or she can find ways to economize that would permit more guests.

If you spell out all of these thins to your stepdaughter, and stand firm on the budget and the need to fairness, she will see that she either has to rethink her plans or cut down on the extended family invitations.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:26 AM    <link>

A PARTY INVITATION

Dear Elise,

My husband and I are going to be hosting an informal party to introduce our future daughter-in-law to our family and friends. It's not an engagement party. The wedding is not going to take place for over a year. Could you please help me with some wording for the invitation?

Sincerely,
Mother of the Groom

Dear Mother of the Groom,

It sounds as if a generic party invitation is what you're looking for, if you want to be low-key and not advertise the whole business of the wedding.

The standard formal invitation structure looks like this:

Hosts' Names
request the pleasure of your company
[for cocktails] [for dinner] [at a party in honor of their son]
Date
Time
Place
R.S.V.P.

Just make up and fill in the party description that best suits your event. You don't need to elaborate on your pretext for the party unless it suits you, and it sounds as if you are more in the mood to entertain than you are to start wrestling with wedding events. Enjoy yourselves.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:50 PM    <link>

AVOIDING THE MISSING NAME

Dear Elise,

I refuse to address my wedding invitations in the traditional way: "Mr. and Mrs. John David Smith" because I feel that it is important to include both people’s names on the invitation and not just the husband and his nameless piece of property. So, what is the correct way to do this? Is it "Mr. and Ms. John and Mary Smith"? Or is it "Mr. John Smith and Ms. Mary Smith"?

Thanks for your help,
Annoyed With Tradition


Dear Annoyed,

There are various solutions to the mystery of the missing name problem but you should also think about the people you will be addressing.

Certainly you don't like the Mr. and Mrs. HisName HisLastName set up, and you're perfectly reasonable for not liking it. But some people really do prefer it for reasons known best to themselves. Just as you would hate it if your first name went missing on an invitation, others might be miffed that the construction they prefer is tossed aside to make a point that they don't want to make.

All of this is to say that there is nothing wrong with the suggestions I am about to give you but it is even more laudable to consider your guests and try to tailor your addressing to what you think would make them happy. It may also be the case that some guests don't care for "Ms." and are happy to be referred to as "Mrs." since they are married and share a last name with their spouses. If you don't know, you don't have to worry the situation, just do what feels most comfortable.

So, to that end, the "Mr. and Mrs./Ms. John and Mary Smith" construction is clean and makes the most sense. Splitting up the names as you do in your second suggestion, puts you on slightly shakier ground, but it is still all right as long as the names are on the same line. If the names appear on different lines, the implication is that the couple is not married.

Think about your guests and what would make them comfortable. Even if you don't like it so much, addressing the envelope in a way that would chafe isn't likely to change anyone's preferences, just as you wouldn't feel warmly towards losing your first name.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:55 AM    <link>

CAN'T AFFORD IT

Dear Elise,

I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a close friend. The wedding is scheduled to happen about a year from now. I found out recently from my friends that to cut down on the cost of holding a large reception as originally planned, they have decided to hold their reception on a cruise ship, and expect the wedding party to attend. The itinerary they are looking at is far beyond my means (we're talking about $1200-$1500 per person).

I have not been a part of a wedding party before. Is this at all a reasonable expense? At this point, my instincts are to decline and run far, far away. It seems to me that the couple is "cutting back" on the cost of the reception by shifting it onto the wedding party, but I wonder if it's just me being ungenerous. Please tell me this isn't part of the responsibility of agreeing to be a bridesmaid that I've somehow been clueless about.

Signed,
Damn Near Had a Heart Attack

Dear Heart Attack,

What makes you think your friends are trying to get the wedding party to foot the bill for the reception? When they gave you the $1200-$1500 numbers did they say that this was for accommodations and possible airfare and all the other assorted wedding party expenses (dress, etc.)? If that is the case, then this is standard, I'm afraid, for a lot of destination weddings. They very well may be saving money on the whole in having a smaller cruise ship wedding and still paying a bundle for their reception. On the other hand, if they told you that you were actually paying for everyone's food and the other reception accoutrements, then that is unreasonable. It is certainly not the responsibility of the wedding party to pay for the wedding festivities.

Regardless, if you can't afford to participate in this cruise plan, and it is reasonable that you can't, you should tell your friend that you don't have the means. You aren't being stingy or weird and you're certainly giving your friend enough time to make plans around you. Don't take her to task or try to get her to change her mind, simply say that it sounds great but you can't afford the trip. You don't have to defend yourself or make elaborate explanations. After that, in the interest of making sure your friendship is stable and secure, check in with your friend regularly and ask how her wedding is going. Be interested and supportive. She will be happy that you care even if you can't attend. If she isn't, you can't say you didn't make an effort.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:25 AM    <link>

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