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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Saturday, September 29, 2007

TWO COASTS TWO RECEPTIONS

Dear Elise-

My fiance is from California where we met and my family is from the East Coast, where we currently live. Our families will not be able to fly to either location.

We are thinking of having a relatively small "destination wedding" in California with his family, my immediate family, and close friends willing to fly that distance. Then have a belated reception on the East Coast for my family and the rest of our friends. Some people will be welcome to both.

Do I invite everyone knowing they will not fly out to CA or just invite those I know can? Once this is decided, how do I word the save-the-date cards and invitations to mention both the wedding and/or the belated reception?

There is a third option to just elope. Which at this point I’m really considering!

HELP
Bi Coastal

Dear Bi Costal,

To avoid confusion, you will need to sit down with your fiance and come up with two guest lists: one who will be invited to your West Coast wedding and the other who will be invited to your East Coast reception. If you want to invite some people to both, you can certainly tell them of your intentions, but these guest lists should be completely separate and independent of one another.

This is especially the case since your two events will surely be separated by some weeks, if not months and you will want to keep your R.S.V.P. information absolutely current with each party.

Since you are actually planning two separate parties, word your invitations accordingly and don't make mention of the multiple events on the invitations or try to collect too much information at once. The easiest way to handle save-the-date cards is also to send out two separate ones to the two separate guest lists. The alternative to this would be if you wanted to send out a card letting everyone know about the two events and are willing to invite both of your guest lists to both receptions. I don't think you want to do this and you risk, again, confusing everyone. Remember, you can always talk to the friends you want to include on both guest lists and tell them that they can come to either or both of your parties. Just don't set yourself the trap of trying to construct an invitation or a save-the-date card that is trying to take care of everything. That will only drive you insane in the end.

If you give up, there is nothing wrong with eloping either.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:22 PM    <link>

WHAT IF I PAY FOR HIM?

Dear Elise,

I was invited to wedding and boyfriend not invited. May I ask the hosts if is it OK to bring him if I pay for his meal?

Don't Want to Go Solo

Dear Don't Want,

Unfortunately (and I know that it sounds like a good solution) your plan won't work. Your instincts that your boyfriend wasn't invited because of financial limitations are only partially accurate. In other words, the problem is bigger than your boyfriend.

It is possible he wasn't invited because your friends have had to make the decision that no single guests can bring dates. This does happen and when people decide to limit guests this way, they have to make the decision universal. The policy tends to be that married couples and couples in long-term committed relationships are invited together, while people who are single or who are in less established relationships are invited on their own. In this case, hosts can't make exceptions for some people and not others without appearing impartial. Imagine how you would feel if you weren't allowed to bring a date but a few select other guests were because their partners had great personalities or because they coughed up enough money. The only way to be fair is to be consistent with this decision.

There are many reasons why your friends may have had to set this policy, none of which have to do with you, personally. Perhaps they can't afford to accommodate all of their single guests' dates (and it would not be at all gracious to force guests to pay for their companions). It is also possible that their venue has rigid space limitations and they just can't handle all of the additional "plus ones" they would have to invite if they allowed dates for everyone.

So, where does this leave you? The choice is clear, go solo or give your regrets on your response card, but don't try to pay for your date. You'll only make everyone uncomfortable.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:47 AM    <link>

THAT DATE MUST BE SAVED
Dear Elise,

How far in advance should save-the-dates and invitations go out? We're getting married in the middle of summer, and nearly all our guests are from out of town. We want to make sure we give everyone plenty of advance notice, since there will probably be lots of weddings taking place around that time, and lots of people will need to make travel arrangements. What's the best way to do this?

Thanks,

How Soon is Too Soon?

Dear How Soon,

While one can send out invitations too early, save-the-date cards can really help ease all concerns because it is almost never too early to mail them.

Really, you can time your save-the-date mailing to suit your own needs or concerns. Six months lead-time is not unheard of, especially for weddings at holiday time, in high wedding season, as yours is, or for destination affairs where guests will need to figure out vacation schedules and budget for travel.

Invitations, on the other hand, tend to go out much closer to the wedding itself. They are usually mailed six to eight weeks before the event, which ensures you'll get an accurate head count when guests respond closer to the date.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:55 AM    <link>

BAR TYPES

Dear Elise,

I received an invitation to a party and it says "open bar." What does that mean? Are we to pay for our drinks or not?

Do I Bring My Wallet

Dear Wallet,

You are confusing the terms "open bar" and "cash bar." One's hosts pay for an open bar, and often there is the implication that a variety of alcoholic beverages will be on offer. Conversely, guests pay for their own drinks when there is a cash bar (and, if you read this column regularly, you know that these often don't sit well).

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:18 AM    <link>

LOVE HER / HATE HIM

Dear Elise,

I have been trying to decide whether or not to invite a good friend to my wedding. I am very close to her but she has recently begun dating my ex. I dated him for years and it ended very badly with lots of lying and infidelity on his part. My friend insists he has changed, and insists that I should not be awkward about their relationship if I am truly over him.

I am working out my feelings, but my invitations need to go out. I simply don't feel comfortable being around him, and he is certainly not someone I want to see at my wedding. I am allowing everyone else a +1 so they can bring a date. I really want her there for my wedding. But I really do NOT want him there. How do I handle this?

Sincerely,

Totally Stuck

Dear Totally Stuck

This is an incredibly annoying situation; make no mistake about it. Before I answer your main question, I should let you know that your friend is mistaken. Even if you don't care that she is dating your ex-boyfriend, It is entirely reasonable for you not to want to see him if you have had a bad history with him. You can be entirely "over him" romantically and still not want to see him. If she trots that out again, ask her if she wants to hang out with her worst middle school nemesis for any length of time, even though you are all now presumably of voting age.

Still, your friend's misconception is secondary to the problem you have unintentionally set up for yourself:

1 You are allowing all of your single guests to bring dates to your wedding.

2 Your friend is single, and she will probably want to bring your ex-boyfriend as a date.

3 You can't really deny your friend this courtesy that you are offering to the rest of your wedding guests.

Where does this leave you? Where does this leave your friendship? If you tell your friend that she can come to your wedding but not in the company of her new boyfriend, do you think she will react well? That is highly unlikely, given what you say about her attitude generally. If you tell your friend that she can't come to your wedding because of her choice of boyfriend, her feelings will almost certainly be hurt.

You are, sadly, in a classic "life is not fair" moment where you have to decide if your negative feelings about your ex outweigh your relationship with your friend. I can't give you a painless solution to your problem, but I can say that, if your friend continues to go out with this man, the one time you have to be at the same event with him where you are LEAST LIKELY to have to del with him is your wedding, since you really won't get a chance to talk to anyone for very long in the wedding whirlwind.

With each choice you pay a price. If you invite her, you will probably have to accept your ex's presence at your wedding. If you exclude her, you will surely have to deal with your friend's hurt feelings and potentially terminal damage to your friendship. Which option "costs" more to you?

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:54 AM    <link>

INVITING A JERK

Dear Elise,

I used to date a gentleman, who is now a friend of both my fiance and myself. Our relationship and subsequent breakup was fairly awful, but he's now married and I am engaged, and I thought bygones were bygones.

However, at a recent social function, he was horribly rude to me. I want to take him off of our wedding guest list, but my fiance insists that my ex didn't mean it and that he was trying to be funny (although he admits that my ex's humor was of the Andy Kaufman variety). I think that my fiance has forgotten both my history with my ex and the fact that, if Mr. Kaufman were still alive and a friend of ours, I would still think long and hard before inviting him to our wedding. Who's right?

Don't Want Him

Dear Don't Want,

Ah, the obnoxious ex. Everyone has one lingering, like some sort of distant cousin whose surliness is amusing enough at holiday parties until his harshness is directed at you. You're not alone.

Here is the answer to your question as it pertains to standard etiquette. You didn't mention whether or not you already invited this fellow to your wedding with a save-the-date card or other communication. If you did, uninviting him could easily be a friendship-terminating gesture. This is not necessarily the case, of course, particularly if you're dealing with someone who is somewhat lacking in sensitivity. He might not be hurt at all. I can only tell you what the reactions of the general population would be. You might not care at this point, of course, but that would be the price of pique.

On the other hand, if you haven't made any promises or indications and just don't want to have him around, you certainly don't have to. If he asks, just tell him you have to limit your guest list and just can't invite everyone.

Your debate with your fiance lies outside the etiquette umbrella. On the one hand, you are not only the offended party, you're the one with the potentially upsetting history with your ex, and your fiance should probably try to see your perspective and understand your discomfort. On the other hand, if you're sick of this, have already informally invited this guy and his wife and still want to know this couple in the future, know that you won't have time to talk to them at your wedding anyway. It really all depends on what sort of relationship, if any, you want to have with these people in the future.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:02 AM    <link>

STRANGE SISTER SITUATION

Hi, Elise!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while and he has said that he will propose to me next year, definitely. I am excited but also nervous because I told my younger half-sister.

I am nervous because, while I have always wanted her to be my maid of honor and STILL want her to be my maid of honor, she is acting a little strange. When I told her about my boyfriend's plan to propose she automatically said that her friends, that I hardly know; even though I think of them as sisters somewhat, WILL BE my two of my bridesmaids. I don't think she has the right to do this but I don't know how to tell her that even though I like her friends, that I think I should pick my own bridesmaids. She even had them picking out the dresses that they will wear since I have already said in the past that if I ever got married, my "girls" could do that. My half-sister is very sensitive and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

#My other problem has to do with our older sister (she is also my half-sister). I don't really speak to her. My older sister got married last year and I was to be in the wedding. But because she was saying things behind my back and not even asking for advice from us (our other sister and myself), I decided that I wasn't going to be in her wedding and I dropped out, with plenty of time before the wedding.

My younger sister wants her to be there and after all the hurtful things that were said about me behind my back, I really don't want my older sister there although I am leaving an open invitation in case she would like to come. My boyfriend has even said he would like to see them again.

What do I do? Please Help? I'd really appreciate it.

Caught Between A Rock and A Hard Place

Dear Caught,

This is complicated but the answers are pretty clear.

With respect to your younger half-sister, you simply must tell her that you want her to be your maid of honor, but that you will be picking the rest of your bridesmaids. There is really no tradition for the maid of honor to fill the bridal party with her friends. Why would a bride want comparative strangers standing up with her when she has friends of her own, or would prefer to have no bridesmaids? It is a strange assumption to make in the first place and you aren't crazy for wanting to choose your own bridesmaids and her exuberance is misplaced.

The only thing to do here is to approach her directly, say that you are happy she is so enthusiastic, and that you want to pick your own bridesmaids. If she protests too much point out that if she gets married she will likely want to pick her own bridesmaids herself.

As for your older half-sister, you would do well to invite her to your wedding. You will make much more trouble for yourself if you don't include her and the last thing you need is to stir the pot. You only stand to gain in the long run if you are gracious and give her the chance to behave well. By excluding her, you only create distance and why use such a happy occasion as your wedding to do that?

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:00 PM    <link>

DOING IT ALL BY HAND

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a small, informal outdoor wedding in a park. We are giving the wedding ourselves and are not very "wedding-crazed."

I would like to handwrite the wedding invitations. I have done this before for friends, so yes, I know what a headache it can present. But for such a small gathering, I can deal. I seemed to be all set, when I realized I had no idea what to write.

My first pass was "Ms. My Full Name/and/Mr. His Full Name/invite you to share their joy/at their wedding/"...etc. But that still seems more formal than I wanted. Is it too informal if we use just our first names, i.e. "Jane and John /invite you..."

Though then the 3rd person looks odd, to me with the first names. What about doing the card more like a small letter, saying "Dear Friends Names, / We hope you will come share our joy..../Jane and John"?

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Pen In Hand

Dear PIH,

Handwritten wedding invitations are exhausting for the person who has to wield the pen, but they are completely traditional. One of the most formal invitations one can have, in fact, involves a printed card where guests' names are written in. Of course you can also write short personal letters inviting people to the wedding, as you suggest. That is absolutely gracious.

If you're still wavering, as far as language goes, you should keep one thing in the front of your mind: the most important element to preserve in any invitation is clarity. As long as answers to all the "W" questions (who, what, where, when. . . though why is presumably self-explanatory) are obvious, you are basically in the clear. You can use only your first names, as long as your guests are all sufficiently close to you that such informality won't be confusing, since some people really do count on people's surnames as a reference. You can also drop the "Ms." and "Mr." titles if you'd like to retain the last names and still be somewhat informal.

Really, the only trap you could possibly set for yourself is by being accidentally obscure. As long as it is easy to read your handwriting, your ink shows up well on the paper, your identities and all of the important information about where and when to go is clear, you don't have to worry.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:59 AM    <link>

WHETHER TO CORRECT A CONTRACT

Hi Elise,

Is there a proper way to iron out any discrepancies we've noticed in a vendor contract before we sign it? When we met with our photographer last year, he said he was going to raise the package prices, but if we choose him he would honor the original pricing. After we chose him (a few months later), I emailed him to bring to his attention that the price he offered us was lower, but still not the original price and the packages included less; he said not worry we could fix all of that after.

When the contract came in the mail, the price he put is still not the price he originally he said. Is this an oversight on his part, or do I need to ask again, why the price wasn't changed. It is only a $100 more, but it makes wonder why he didn't honor the original price or packing. What can I do without causing friction? We really want to use this photographer.

Thank you,
Tired of Being the Bad Guy

Dear Tired,

You have to ask yourself if the difference in costs and services is really worth it to you. Do you want to wrestle over this and risk your relationship with your photographer getting prickly or are you willing to let it slide? I can't answer this for you.

Now, are you sure your photographer is actually remembering his original package correctly? When you spoke to him at the time you got the contract back, did you actually name the prices and package details that you were expecting, or did you just say "and will you give me the original package we talked about a few months ago"? That difference is significant, since you and he might be talking about different packages or he might be misremembering. If you decide to ask him about this, be specific about what you thought the deal was going to be.

It is not a disaster to gently bring up these discrepancies with your photographer, but you must decide how hard you want to push him if you're set on choosing him. It isn't rude to talk about it, but be specific and tread lightly since you do want to work with him.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:26 PM    <link>

UNUSUAL SHOWER

Dear Elise,

I am planning a bridal shower for my older sister. Since she and her fiance are both pretty well set in household and outdoor furnishings I thought a "paint your own pottery" themed shower would be a unique experience for all. My problem is how to word the invitation to impart the idea that the piece of pottery selected by each attendee is her gift to the bride. How do I convey this message without sounding crass because people will have to pay for each piece of pottery?

Unusual Shower

Dear Unusual,

Keep in mind that showers are strange sorts of parties because they require presents. Your guests will expect to give a gift and having a little guidance is useful. They will want some direction.

Don't hesitate to indicate that this is a "Pottery Painting" shower where the bride will leave with a complete new set of. . . whatever they paint for her. You can be playful with your invitation language. When people ask if the bride has registered anywhere, you can explain that, in lieu of standard presents, guests will be selecting their presents and painting them at the party itself. As long as guests don't have to pay for their admission to the party or for their refreshments, you should be in good shape.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:45 AM    <link>

CAN'T STAND HIS SISTER

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I recently got engaged my problem is that I cannot stand his older sister. She has actively tried to break-up me and my fiance's relationship for the past year.

She used to tell her brother lies about me to try to get him to break up with me. When that didn't work, she met with me, to tell me lies about her brother to get me to break up with him. When this failed, she then told her brother either he needs to break up with me or she will no longer be a part of his life.

This is completely crazy to me, because I have done NOTHING to her, ever. My fiance told me, she's more like a mother to him than a sister because she took care of him when they were growing up because their mother wasn't around. Once I came into the picture he became his own person, started doing what he wanted to do with his life, and she just can't accept this.

I do not want her at the wedding. Originally, we were planning a destination wedding, and I knew she wouldn't be able to attend so I wasn't worried but now we're planning a local wedding and his sister lives near us. The two of them barely talk anymore, but I know he wants her at the wedding. I'm just afraid she would do something to try and ruin the day for us. It will be a very small, intimate gathering, so avoiding her would not be possible. Should I ask my fiance to consider not inviting her? I really would like to put all this behind us, and make amends with her, and I realize that not inviting her would not help the situation. I just don't want her to ruin this very special day for me and fiance.

Thank you,

Regretting inviting Sister-in-law

Dear Regretting,

You know the answer to this question. You really can't get away with not inviting your fiance's sister to your wedding, even if she is a lunatic. Barring actual abuse and real physical threat, this isn't something you should do. You especially shouldn't exclude your future sister-in-law if your fiance wants to invite her, which he says he does. This is a woman who, awful as she is, was a mother figure to your fiance. Do you really want to force him to cut someone so important out of his wedding experience?

And really, why not invite her? She did all sorts of insanely stupid things to break up your relationship, all of which failed, so why not, as a simultaneous expression of your grace and power, include her in this incredibly happy occasion and let her experience your joy?

You don't want to be the bad guy in this situation. You don't want to even appear to be the person who came between your fiance and his sister, so don't do anything that creates that impression. On the other hand, if you do invite her and she's hateful at your wedding, the only person who will come off looking like a monster is your sister-in-law. In a more intimate setting, she may be too self-conscious and aware of the people around her to act as badly as she might if she were surrounded by strangers, so that is in your favor.

I know your wedding day is special, but it is one day and it is special for your fiance as well, so why create a situation that will make him feel guilty for many years to come after your wedding? Invite her, have a wonderful wedding, whether or not she shows and if she acts badly, just smile and remember that you won this war.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:21 AM    <link>

SAVE-THE-DATES & HOLIDAY WEDDINGS

Hello Elise,

I'm getting married on a holiday weekend in 2008. Should I send a save-the-date card? If so, how far in advance should I send it? Can I forego the save-the-date and just send the invitation sooner than originally planned? If that option works, how soon is too soon to send an invite for a holiday weekend wedding? Lastly, if save-the-dates are necessary, is it OK to send them via e-mail to the friends/family that I know are active e-mail users? For budget reasons, it would be great if I could just mail paper save-the-dates to those who aren't regular e-mail users, or those that would find an e-mail version tacky.

Thank you for your help,

Absent-minded bride

Dear AMB,

There is nothing wrong with getting married over a holiday weekend, as long as you keep in mind that some of your prospective guests may be occupied with family plans and might not be able to make it.

Yours is a perfect situation for some sort of save-the-date something or other. It will make your guests' lives much easier if they have a lot of advance notice. So, now that all of that is out in the open, you have a lot of options.

Because save-the-date cards are informal, you can do almost anything you like. You can send a post-card, an email, a more formal information packet, anything you like. The only thing you want to make sure of is that everyone actually gets this information, so do your best, if you plan to email everyone, to compose something that won't be easily nabbed by spam filters.

Save-the-date cards can be sent any time. Really, they exist to help you and your friends, so use them in whatever way is most effective. If you want to get the word out six months in advance, you can absolutely give your friends and family half a year's notice.

I don't advise actually sending your formal invitations out too early because your responses will probably not be accurate. People's plans shift around a lot, particularly when it comes to holiday weekends, so the last thing you want is an inaccurate head count, gathered several months ahead of time.

Send out your save-the-date missives as early as you like, let people think about their plans and then send real invitations the standard six weeks or so before the wedding. This will give your guests plenty of warning and you will get the information you need, when you need it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:42 AM    <link>

MORE ON THE LINE (THE RECEIVING LINE, THAT IS)

Dear Elise,

I am wondering about my receiving line. I think it is a nice way to make sure that we (the bride and groom) as well as our parents get a chance to welcome everyone who has made the effort to come to our wedding. I know this can be done after the ceremony or at the reception, but it seems likely that we would miss someone if we wait until the reception and then feel bad about it later.

Beyond that, I really don't know much about receiving lines or how to set them up. So, I guess my specific questions are: 1) What order should people (the two of us, my parents, and his parents) stand in? and 2) What types of things should you say to the guests, and how far do you go in introducing the guests to the parents who don't know them, etc? I don't want the receiving line to take all night!

Sincerely,

Receiving Line Rookie

Dear RLR,

These are good questions so don't think you're odd for not knowing the answers off the top of your head. Keep in mind that it is just as appropriate to have a receiving line after the ceremony as it is to have it at the beginning of the reception and it is also absolutely reasonable not to have one at all.

The most formal receiving line has, in this order:
Bride's mother
Bride's father (optional)
Bride or
Groom (bride always stands on groom's right)
Groom's mother
Groom's father (optional)
Maid and/or matron of honor
Bridesmaids (optional)

Divorced parents don't stand next to each other.

And there it is. If you aren't having a wedding party or if you feel that you know the bulk of people best and want to be first on line, you and your future husband can certainly put yourself first on the line. As for what to say, the beauty of the receiving line is that you don't have to come up with introductions at all. The entire point is that guests will work themselves down the line shaking hands and kissing cheeks while introducing themselves and saying either "congratulations" (to everyone else) or "best wishes" (to you). This is not the place for long conversations, so things move along at a bit of a clip and actual chatter can resume later at the reception.

Congratulations (which I will say now, since I am not presently on your receiving line),

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:18 AM    <link>

BUT THEY WON'T COME ANYWAY

Dear Elise,

My partner and I are getting married on the opposite end of the country from nearly all of our family and friends. Ideally we would have a maximum of 125 guests. We both have large extended families and large groups of friends, which is why we planned a destination wedding, hoping that the prospect of traveling will help keep our guest list down.

Our guest list has suddenly skyrocketed, in part because my mother insists that we invite all of my 52 second & third cousins & their families (at least 20 of which I haven't seen since I was 10). Currently our guest list is nearing 300. Our venue won't hold more than 160. Each time someone is added, the person adding them expresses with confidence, "but they won't actually come."

I am finding this terrifying. If, we were getting married in a small inaccessible town, I'd be less concerned. But we're getting married in a major city that people love to visit.

I am thinking we're going to try to do a tiered invite scenario, where we invite all the key players very early on and see who of them are not going to come. And then invite the second tier once we know about the first. And I'm going to invite folks very early, because I can't handle the stress of not knowing if people are going to have enough room to sit 3 weeks before our wedding. Which means invites are going out by February for a June wedding. Call me crazy.

Certainly I am not so narcissistic to assume that every person invited will fly across the country to attend our wedding, but hoping for 2/3s of the guest list not to show is a bit much.

Any help here?

- Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,

"But they won't come anyway" must be someone's famous last words. It is unwise to invite people you don't really want to have at your wedding because you don't think they will show. The reason this is problematic is that your friends and family will always surprise you and show. You are correct, by the way, that having a wedding in a major city, to which one can relatively easily get a cheap flight will not dissuade a lot of people. There are people who say that you can generally count on having 20% of the people you invite to a wedding expressing their regrets and not coming. How this can be reliable is beyond me, and while I wouldn't count on it, you can at least use the 20% policy as a way of looking at your numbers and talking to your families realistically about what will happen if you invite over 100% more people than your venue can hold.

At this point you should do some hard thinking about what you really want to do, because it seems as if you're trying to please yourself with your venue choice and satisfy your families' interests with your guest list and hoping that a lot of advance notice will help you figure things out. A better plan would be to either decide on a firm, reduced guest list or find a new venue that can accommodate your much larger numbers. You can offer your parents the opportunity to throw receptions after the fact for the family you had to leave behind.

The policy you propose is problematic simply because, if you decide to invite everyone and then discover after your first wave of invitations have gone out that you are already at your 160 guest limit, you're stuck having to renege on your promises to your parents. One way or another you will be in much better shape if you face your families and make some hard decisions about excluding people or expanding your venue. Hoping to squeak around the problem will quickly become confusing, especially if you find yourself with a huge surplus of guests and hundreds of other people you promised to invite.

There are numerous compromises you can strike with post-wedding parties and wedding announcements, or you can have a really big wedding (depending, of course, on your interests and finances). But from here it seems that what you will really end up doing is putting off a fight that is inevitable.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:31 AM    <link>

I GET UNCOMFORTABLE

Dear Elise,

I got married recently. The planning was a little stressful. I genuinely like my husband's family (and mine as well) but the advice, questions and attention just got to be a little much for me. I guess I don't like to be the center of attention.

Well happily, we just found out we are having a baby. But, now I feel like I don't even want to go to family gatherings, as I know I will be bombarded with questions, advice and attention. I feel bad because I know everyone is just excited and everyone is very nice about everything.
However, how do I, without being rude, excuse myself from the spotlight? (I feel like just answering questions or talking about it very briefly will not be enough...)

Thanks in advance.

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

This is good news on all fronts. Congratulations.

Now, the best way to avoid being the center of attention in these matters is to be as low-key and matter-of-fact as possible. The more you flap about not wanting to talk about things or make a big deal about not wanting to make a big deal about your pregnancy, the more people will interfere. Loudly demanding to be left alone will make people inclined to interfere.

If you just go about your business saying, politely, that you feel fine, are excited, and are doing well before changing the subject, you will have gone a long way towards normalizing your situation. What you don't want to do is get yourself into a "protests too much" situation where loud protests for privacy turn you into a huge target for attention. You can of course skip some family get-togethers, but keep in mind that completely absenting yourself will again raise everyone's concerns and you'll be the focus again of attention you don't want.

Incredibly invasive, amusing, annoying and silly questions and comments are inevitably leveled at pregnant people by family and strangers alike, so to a certain extent you will just have to brace yourself. Something about a pregnant woman makes people say ridiculous things. You will be feeling weird and fragile at all different points during this time, but you will want support for you and your child once it is out in the world, so try not to alienate your family.

So cut back on events a bit, but don't skip them all. When you do go, be polite and gracious but don't make a big deal about your pregnancy unless you want the attention. Treat it as the happy fact of life that it is.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:32 AM    <link>

CONGRATULATORY CARD QUIBBLE

Dear Elise,

This may seem like an odd question but I'm concerned about stepping on some toes. A friend of my husband's is getting married soon. They used to serve as officers together in the Army about ten years ago and haven't really been in touch since besides one gathering a couple years ago when we happened to be in her town. Other than that there have been the occasional one or two-line emails. We're not invited to the wedding and I wouldn't expect us to be.

Anyway, my husband insists on sending her a card with a check. I fear that this would put the bride in an uncomfortable position. I think it's a wonderful idea to send a card wishing her and her new husband "congratulations" but to include a check? If I was in the same situation, I would feel guilty that I hadn't invited these people to the wedding.

Any advice?

Thanks much,

Squeamish

Dear Squeamish,

Briefly, this sort of gesture is not necessary, but it is also not inappropriate.

This is your husband's friend, so surely he would be in the best position to know what sort of gesture would be most appropriate. If the situation were reversed, wouldn't you prefer for him to let you do what felt most in keeping with your friendship and habits?

Some people will always feel odd about sending cash gifts, while others will always prefer to give money for weddings and your husband may fit into the latter category, especially in this case where he doesn't really know his friend's bride.

The real advantage in all of this is that you don't have to do anything except add your best wishes to the bottom of a happy note. Your husband can take care of the card and present and everything and you can use all of the time you've saved to do kick back and treat yourself to some idle fun.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 3:44 AM    <link>

"REAL" WEDDING, POST COURTHOUSE

Dear Elise,

My husband and I were recently married in the U.S., in a civil ceremony with just the two of us present

I would like to have a larger ceremony for family and friends next year in New Zealand, where my husband comes from. Is it appropriate to dress up and go through usual wedding rituals, like walking down the aisle, repeating our vows, and having a first dance? I don't want to look odd or like I want attention, I just want to celebrate with all the people we didn't get a chance to be with. Would it be appropriate to have a wedding party? I am the first of my siblings to be married, and I would like to have them stand up with me - but maybe I've missed my chance?

Finally, the ceremony would be in New Zealand but we would return to the U.S. afterward to live. What should I do about wedding gifts? I'm not sure whether to expect wedding gifts, since we are already married. I would like to register at an online store, like Amazon, to make it easier on myself (i.e. not have to bring extra stuff on the return journey). But this seems rude, since the guests would never get to see the present in person, and since it would seem like I am asking for stuff.

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Eloping isn't at all uncommon and it also isn't odd to have ceremonies and receptions after the fact. This also happens not infrequently when people decide to have destination weddings and suddenly learn that it would be impossible to have a legal wedding abroad, which means they have a quickie civil ceremony to get the marriage certificate out of the way and then the wedding they were planning with family and friends.

So, for the most part, you can proceed accordingly and have a second ceremony with attendants and vows, cake, a first dance, a white dress, the works. As long as you don't misrepresent the situation (and claim you aren't yet married) you can do what you would like.

As far as presents are concerned, you are free to register wherever you'd like, but you are correct in assuming that some of your guests won't feel like giving presents to people who are already married. They might, they might not. You never know. Keep in mind that even if you do register and your guests do decide to give you a present, they might not want to give you anything on your registry. People have all sorts of complicated feelings about presents. Here is also the place where I give my constant caution not to include registry information in your invitations. If you register, let the information spread through word of mouth, but don't stick it in your invitations.

As for worrying about people not being able to see the present if you register online, this is also not much of an issue since it is very common for guests to find presents online or by calling up a store. Since people do not often bring presents to wedding receptions (particularly in the case of people who are having destination weddings, as you would, in effect, have), they would not expect to see you open them. That almost never happens at weddings (showers on the other hand are a different story).

Have a wonderful reception.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:45 AM    <link>

INVITE OR ANNOUNCE?

Hi Elise!

I recently joined the Navy, and am leaving in early 2008. My fiance and I decided to get married before I go, so the wedding is planned for late 2007. I know that the West Coast members of my family won't be able to come (the wedding will be in the middle of the country). My fiance and I do have a plan to visit them in about a year, and throw a celebration party so that they can all meet him, and congratulate us then.

Should I invite the family members I know will not be able to come, or should I just send them a wedding announcement? I do not want any of them to feel obligated to get us any gifts, and I do want them to know that I understand that they can't come. But I do not want them to feel left out by not receiving any notice about it. What is the best way to go about this?

Thank You!!!

The Wedding Approaches

Dear Wedding Approaches,

It is always a good policy to only invite the people you want to actually have at your wedding. If you want these West Coast relatives to come, if you would invite them under other circumstances (say, if you didn't already know they would be unavailable), you may as well invite them. If sending a bald invitation makes you feel uncomfortable, you can always attach a note saying that you realize that they may be unable to travel and that you will go to them in the future.

On the other hand, if you really don't want to take the chance that, in a moment inspired by cheap tickets and a sense of adventure, they may actually decide to show up, you can simply send them an announcement, after your wedding. Here, too, you can include a little note saying that you plan on heading west in the next year or so.

Approach your invitations as if you didn't really know what was going on with them. Someone will always do the opposite of what you think he's planning, so don't issue any invitations that you don't want to be accepted. As far as feeling as if people will think you just want presents, put that out of your mind. They aren't required to give you anything, especially if they don't attend your nuptials. A wedding invitation is merely that it appear to be: a request for the honor of someone's presence.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:05 AM    <link>

DISINVITE HER?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married in a few months, and we sent out save the date cards in the spring.

One of the friends I invited (with a save the date card) suddenly stopped speaking to me. I don't know what her problem is. She might be mad that I had dinner with her ex-boyfriend who has long been a close friend of mine. I have tried to contact her but she ignores me.

We are getting ready to send out invitations and I really don't want to invite her anymore. I don't want to throw away the friendship but I am certain that the two of us will not have a heart-to-heart before the wedding and I dread the drama will likely erupt at my wedding. Given her behavior, there's a good chance that she simply won’t come but I don't want to take the chance. I am already feeling stressed about seeing her and talking to her for the first time in 6 months on my wedding day. The wedding is going to be small and intimate and there is no way that I would be able to avoid her.

Is there any way I can avoid inviting her?

Thanks,
Stressed

Dear Stressed,

If you don't invite your friend without talking to her, you will be the one putting the nail in the relationship's coffin. Not inviting her makes a very loud, very pronounced statement. If you really don't want to invite her, you should be realistic about what your decision would mean.

This is not to say that she isn't being incredibly annoying. Ideally, you'd give her a call and talk to her about her behavior and give her a chance to come around or not, so you don't wind up having to make this decision alone. Please note that I said to CALL your friend. This is a conversation that should be held live, email is distancing and disastrous and text messaging about fundamental questions like this one is, frankly, completely foolish. If you care about the friendship, you owe it to yourself to have an actual discussion about it.

Once you've given it your best shot, you can do whatever you want when it comes to inviting your friend. Think of it this way: if you approach her and try to figure out what her problem is and then things don't work out, she can't blame you (and you can't blame yourself) for not having made the effort.

Then you can let the friendship evaporate with impunity.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:30 AM    <link>

DISTANT FATHER AND THE AISLE

Dear Elise,

My mother passed away when I was 11, I moved out of our house at 17, and my father and I haven't been close since then.

My problem is: I don't want my father to give me away at my wedding. (I'm not even sure I want him at the wedding). I am not comfortable with him escorting me down the aisle (many of my guests - friends and other family - have turned against him or written him off), but I also don't want to hurt his feelings because I know he still loves me. It's horrible, but I used to think that I would just have to wait until he passed away to get married, just to avoid discomfort. Now that I've met the man I want to marry, I don't want to have to wait for that to happen.

Do I just suck it up and let dad do his traditional duty (even though it won't feel right to me), not invite him to the wedding at all (and risk hurting him even more), or invite him to the wedding as a regular guest, but without letting him walk me down the aisle (I'd either go it alone- which seems fairly appropriate- or ask my favorite uncle to do the honors). How do I get around this without hurting his feelings but while also being true to myself?

-Indecisive

Dear Indecisive,

The answer to this problem is that you must diffuse the situation for yourself. You say you have very little contact with your father and don't want him to walk you down the aisle. Don't do it, then. You don't need to have an escort down the aisle just as you don't even need to walk down an aisle at all if you don't want to. Just because wedding ceremonies often involve parents and bridesmaids and ring bearers and such doesn't mean yours has to. If this doesn't work for you, don't do it.

Having said that, if you do decide to walk down an aisle, and if you are really concerned about your father's feelings, you should not invite anyone else to give you away at your wedding. It is one thing to be able to tell him that you are independent and believe in walking solo, and an entirely different thing to tell him that you like someone else better.

This problem is certainly not one to get overly hooked up on. What you must do is make up your mind that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having no escort and stand by your decision. You have to believe in your choice so that when you tell your father about your plans and let him know that he will be an honored guest, he should be able to recognize that this is how you want to handle things, NOT that you are trying to isolate yourself from him or that you have some fundamental problem with him (regardless of whether or not you do).

There are plenty of other ways to give credit to your father, with a dance, with a toast or even in where you decide to have him sit at your reception. The aisle walk isn't the only place you to acknowledge him so don't feel too much pressure about this compromise.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:41 AM    <link>

HOW NOT TO DEAL WITH FLAKES

Hi!

I have a list of 30 people who have not bothered to retun their reply cards for our wedding.

I have heard that it is a good idea to call people after the RSVP-by date, to find out if they are going to attend or not, but I'd rather not. I'm sure that much calling would take me hours over several days to get past answering machines and messages probably not returned. I've got too much to do without that stress!

I read somewhere that a card could be sent out to people who don't RSVP saying something like:

"Thanks for considering going to our wedding. We are assuming, since we received no response card, call, or email from you, that you will be unable to attend. However, we know you wish us the best and will be thinking of us. We will miss you, but understand you are busy, and we'll be thinking of you as well. God bless you!"

Now, that is not the exact wording I read...where ever I saw it, it was way more concise and probably more polite. Is it okay to send ut the cards? Can I use the wording above, or do you have a modified version for me?

Thanks so much!

Sincerely,

Annoyed by Non-responders

Dear Annoyed,

It is reasonable that you'd be annoyed. It is annoying when potential guests can't get it together to get back to you.

But where did you hear that it is a good idea to just send out a hostile postcard? This plan is actually rather unpleasant, and is itself rather rude in a passive-aggressive way (especially with the wording you suggest). Do you really want to tell your flakey friends that they aren't allowed at your wedding so abruptly, in the mail? Really, it is inevitable, for every event that the hosts will find themselves having to track down responses. It isn't fair and it isn't fun, but it is simply the way of things.

A much better plan would be for you to share the burden of calling everyone with your fiance or your parents or your fiance's parents. All you need to do is call your potential guests, and if they're not home or not answering their cell phones, leave messages saying nicely that you hadn't heard from them and will assume, if you don't hear from them that they can't come. There is nothing wrong with leaving messages. This leaves your potential guests an opportunity to respond if they have forgotten and doesn't come off as being angry or punishing.

Really, there is no reason to go to the hassle and expense of having snippy cards printed up to send to people. It will take much less time, and involve much less ill will if you and your fiance sit down with your lists, make the calls and be done with it. After that you can treat yourselves to some ice cream.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:52 AM    <link>

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