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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

INVINTING EX-IN-LAWS

Dear Elise,

I am getting married in December of 2007. We have decided to have a small wedding since we both come from large families. (We're only inviting our parents, siblings, and their spouses and children.) I would love to be able to invite just a few of our closest friends. When I mentioned this to my fiance, he said that he would like to invite his ex-wife's brothers and their families since he has remained friends with them. I also know that his ex-wife's daughter would have to be invited as well if his ex-brother-in-laws were invited. My children have reservations about having her there and to be honest I have reservations about having his ex-wife's family there in general. I am not comfortable with this. He didn't know them before he was married and he doesn't have any children with his ex-wife.

I do not want to hurt my fiance's feelings but I am afraid that inviting his ex-in-laws is going to cause some very awkward feelings. I want for this day to be enjoyable for everyone. So, the only solution I have come up with is not to invite any friends at all and only have family. However, when I mentioned this to my good friend, she was so very disappointed. I would love to have her there. Any advice would be appreciated!

Wanting Everyone Happy

Dear Wanting,

The awkward feelings to consider are your own. Don't worry about how other people will react to your fiance's former in-laws being at your wedding. How do you feel about these people? Do you socialize with them regularly? Do you like them? Are they people you would ask to be at your wedding if they weren't connected to your husband's former wife?

There isn't really anything wrong with inviting them and there is nothing wrong with not inviting them. All that really, fundamentally matters is how you and your fiance feel about this issue and how you will compromise. If you want to invite a good friend, that doesn't necessarily mean your fiance should invite this whole crowd, especially if there are other people with whom he is closer.

If you truly feel that having this group at your wedding is in some way offensive, then you need to clarify your thoughts and explain them to your fiance. You aren't wrong for feeling conflicted, but you need to communicate about this. It is true that in the usual way things go, people don't invite their ex-in-laws to their subsequent weddings, but that is usually because those relationships get severed. There are no rules that are violated if you do invite them.

So talk to your fiance. Tell him if you feel uncomfortable and don't point to other people trying to fob off your discomfort on them. You are entitled to your feelings, so let him know that this is a problem for you. He should respect your feelings and work with you on a compromise that satisfies both of you. If nothing else, this confusing incident proves that your fiance is a solid fellow who is not inclined to let a failed relationship interfere with his friendships, and that is a wonderful quality in and of itself.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:30 AM    <link>

SHE WANTS TWO WEDDINGS

Dear Elise,

My daughter announced her engagement over the summer. She and her fiance sent out an announcement and they decided to have a wedding in my garden next summer. We all sat down to discuss initial plans, budget, guests, etc. I was so excited. We all were. I paid the caterer for the set date and told her about food and drink plans. I worked all summer in the garden; planting, rearranging and landscaping. I spent a great deal of time and money.

Recently my daughter and I were talking on the phone. She announced that they were married. They had the ceremony at the courthouse. My other daughter was present along with the groom's two best friends. I was shocked!

We all had a celebratory dinner together and my husband and I gave them a lovely gift and a nice monetary gift. But my daughter told me that the courthouse wedding was not real. She still wants her summer wedding as planned and does not want me to tell anyone that she is married. I feel extremely hurt and betrayed by both of my daughters. I told her that there would be no summer wedding because she was already married. She and her husband are angry with me because I refused to keep their marriage a secret. I offered to prepare an announcement on our Thanksgiving invitation, and said that we could have an open house this winter to allow friends and family to celebrate. She thinks it is a horrible idea. Both daughters have called me stubborn. I decided not to tell the family because it really isn't my place. Could you please advise me?

What Happened?

Dear What Happened,

What sort of advice would you like? In terms of obligations, you don't really have any. Does your daughter have any reason for keeping her marriage secret or is she just hoping to have her cake and eat it too with an elopement and a big wedding? If that is what she wants, she can still go along with her summer plans, but what she can't do is bully you in to throwing the formal reception at your house if you don't want to. She can always have a big reception, ut you aren’t obliged to host it.

She has put you in an awkward situation, though and you may want to consider telling her that you aren't comfortable keeping her marriage a secret, and ask her how long she wants to keep her nuptial status on the Q.T. or why she feels the need to keep mum about it. Tell her it puts you in a bad position, and you can always reiterate your offer to have an open house for her, if you're still in the mood.

You aren't required to host any parties you don't want to throw. What matters now is that you keep communicating with your daughters and let this odd business blow over. Clearly they weren't overly fixated on the wedding in the first place, so let the drama subside and enjoy your fabulous redone garden.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:51 AM    <link>

INTERNATIONAL STRIFE

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I figured everything was going along smoothly in preparation for our wedding in the summer of 2008. The hitch involves invitations. My fiance comes from a large, close-knit group, which counts long-time friends on equal standing with family members. I come from a smaller family, and my parents are paying for the wedding (they have given me a budget and anything over that quite-reasonable budget will have to be paid by my fiance and me). We also have a number of friends we want to invite. We know we have to compromise a lot: our "dream" guest list would be more than the 160 people that we can have at our chosen reception venue.

Our wedding will be on the East Coast of the United States, in a location that is important to us, but that is not local to any of our family and only a few of our friends. In this way, we hoped to make things more equal, so that everyone has to travel. As it is, my immediate family will likely come, but my grandparents will probably not, and his entire family will come, though a few probably will not.

My fiance's parents had offered to host a second reception for us where we live in Europe, for those who are not likely to attend our ceremony and reception in the states.

It was my fiance's and my idea to send out two sets of invites: one to the wedding and reception in the States for those we thought would be willing and likely to attend, and one to the reception here for those we thought would be unable to attend.

We were hoping to send out save the date announcements and my fiance had a phone conversation with his mother that did not go well. Then I was CC'd on an email my fiance's mother sent to him. In it she indicated that she was upset about the situation.

My fiance and I are confused and unsure what to do. We believe we've tried to be considerate of people's feelings and compromise to make as many people happy as possible. But clearly his mother is upset.

Do we have a wedding just the two of us and exclude everyone else? Do we go ahead with the wedding, but keep it to immediate family? Do we go ahead with the wedding as we planned, pretending this latest event did not happen?

On one hand, I feel that if we cancel all the plans we've made (no contracts have been signed, only verbal ones completed), we lose and the mother-in-law wins, and we alienate all the people who have helped us in the planning (a musician who agreed to play for the wedding who is now turning down other performance requests, etc). I'm not sure, however, whether having a day we've visualized is going to be the same or whether this will color or spoil everything.

Plus, I have to see this woman every week, at least
once a week. I hardly know what to do.

Stunned

Dear Stunned,

You included the text of your future mother-in-law's email to your fiance in your missive, but I must confess, I’m not entirely sure what she finds so problematic about your plans. It is clear that she's upset, so you need to figure out what she wants and what sort of compromises you feel comfortable making.

In the first place, I should say that your initial plans aren't outrageous and abnormal. Many people decide to do exactly what you are planning. In situations like yours, where there are two separate parties in two separate locations, you are correct that you must send out two separate invitations. Combining them will only confuse everyone.

But you aren't asking about save-the-date cards or invitations; you're wondering about your fiance's mother. At this point, you and your fiance should see about clearing the air with her. Take a look at your guest list. Would it be possible for you to add some of the people his mother most wants to have at the wedding (even if they can't travel so far)? This would show her that you care about her feelings and are interested in making her happy.

This isn't really a question of having to roll over and let your future mother-in-law "win" or having to give up on all of the plans you've worked so hard to make balance. Clearly she feels uncomfortable about excluding some people and perhaps all you need to do is demonstrate some flexibility. At the same time, however, you do need to make it clear to her that you can't afford to invite absolutely everyone, so give her some parameters (allow her ten additional guests, for instance, or whatever number is feasible).

It would be difficult for you to cancel all of your plans. Changing everything to please your fiance's mother, might not satisfy the interests of your family or of you and your fiance. This isn't really a problem of etiquette, since you haven't transgressed at all. But you should make an effort to make your future mother-in-law feel comfortable. Speak to her in person, tell her you want her to be happy and offer to let her have some more leeway (if you possibly can). If, after this, she is utterly intractable, you can proceed with your original plans and remind her that you are flexible and that she can add people to the guest list until the day you send out your final invitations. Again, it is hard to tell exactly what her problem is, but maybe what she fundamentally needs is a little more attention and a sense that she will be included in the wedding a little more.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:40 AM    <link>

INVITING THE FAR-FLUNG

Dear Elise,

My fiancee and I live half-way across the country from our families. We very much doubt that any of them will travel to attend our wedding, but we would love for them all to be there if they could! Do we invite them all anyway? How do we figure out an early headcount if we invite, say, 30 people from out-of-town but doubt most (if any) will actually attend?

Thank You!!!!

Signed,

Figuring it all out

Dear Figuring,

You should absolutely invite everyone you would like to attend your wedding. There is no reason not to welcome them just because you suspect they won't be able to attend, and there's always a good chance they could surprise you and show up.

How soon do you need a head count? Are your concerns that you will have trouble picking a venue? If that is the case you could send out a save-the-date card so that people know what you're planning and can respond to you before your formal invitations go out.

Since you're in the early stages of planning, know that many venues can be very flexible about these numbers (a wedding space that can house 80 guests can also comfortably handle 50, for instance). Just make sure you have an accurate head count after your final invitations go out.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:50 AM    <link>

I CAN'T INVITE HIM

Dear Elise,

I am struggling with how to deal with not inviting a certain relative to my wedding. I am very close to my mother's stepmother and some of my mother's stepsisters. Originally, I had intended on inviting all of my step-relatives, including my mother's stepbrothers, with whom I am not close and have not spoken to in years. However, I recently discovered that one of them molested my mother's biological sister, and possibly one of my step-cousins. This was a complete shock to all of us. This step-uncle was in prison while I was young, has repeatedly taken advantage of my grandparents, and he verbally and physically abused his girlfriend. My aunt has made it clear that she will not attend my wedding if he comes and my sister has also stated that she is very uncomfortable being in his presence. I have decided not to invite him to our wedding. I am adamant about this, even if it goes against traditional etiquette.

He lives in my grandparents' home. Although my grandparents have indicated that they will probably not be able to come to the wedding, I am going to send them an invitation. He will not be getting one. How do I make it clear that he is not invited without offending my grandmother? My sister believes that he will assume that he is included on the invitation that I send to my grandparents and may attempt to come to the wedding.

Also, would it be possible to invite his daughter, who does not live with him? I would not want to leave her out of a family event just because of her father's behavior. If I were to invite his daughter without inviting him, should I also include her mother in the invitation since she is still a minor? I'm not sure if I should just send out invitations and hope for the best or contact my grandparents and my cousin's mother to discuss the situation beforehand. Any advice you have on this conundrum would be very appreciated!!

Many thanks!

Not Inviting Him

Dear NIH,

Abuse is one of those factors that cuts through standard procedures. If your stepuncle molested your relatives and if they continue to feel threatened (or if you do) you have good reason not to invite him.

Now. Standard invitation protocol is for one to write the names of the people one actually intends to invite to one's wedding on the invitation envelope. Unless one writes "and Family" on an invitation (which indicates that all family living under one room from grandparents to uncles to grandchildren are invited), only the people named are welcome. You should only address your invitation to your grandparents. If you are subsequently asked about your stepuncle, you can say that he is not going to be invited.

As for this man's daughter, you can invite her, and since she is young she would probably be best off in the company of her mother, but if you do that you will surely have to face questions from your young cousin and her mother about her father's absence. Are you willing to say that you refused to invite him and explain yourself to them? If that is too complicated or uncomfortable, and this is indeed an intense situation that a child doesn't need to have to face, you may be best off not inviting all three of them.

There is no way for you to avoid complicated feelings and discomfort. The only thing you can do is to try to contain the difficulties and deal with them gently and responsibly so that you don't hurt people's feelings any more than is necessary. If you can invite the child and her mother without generating great discomfort, you should do so, but there may be a price to pay for including this mother and daughter that is too high. You know best which scenario will bring the most pleasure or the most discomfort.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:20 AM    <link>

WAIT TO SEND

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are eloping. Although we both love our families, we have decided that this is the best financial and logistical plan for us, and we are getting really excited about it! We have also decided to surprise our friends and family with our decision. No one will find out until after it's already official.

We want to send out wedding announcements. I know that announcements are supposed to be sent immediately after the wedding, but our ceremony is going to be in Europe, with all the announcement recipients stateside. By the time we get home, they still will not have received the announcements! This seems like too much of a delay to me.

Would it be okay to send the announcements a few days before the wedding, so that they could be mailed from the US and arrive on or shortly after the wedding day, or is there a special reason to wait?

Secret Marriage

Dear Secret Marriage,

Wedding announcements do traditionally go out immediately after the wedding, but it is also completely in keeping with tradition to send them after returning from the honeymoon. It is also traditional for the bride's family to do this mailing if the wedding couple is on the road. In short, it doesn't really matter as long as the announcement happens after the fact.

Are you expecting to spend many weeks away following your nuptials? You could always post your announcements from abroad, which would add a nice frisson for your friends and relatives as they wonder who could be sending them something with such an exotic stamp on it.

Really, you should stick on the safe side. You really don't want your missives to reach people early. In the first place, announcement language can look like invitation language and confuse people. In the second, it simply looks very odd to announce the something has happened at a future date.

Really, there are three safe routes to take with this mailing: 1. Wait until you get home 2. Mail everything from abroad 3. Entrust a friend with the order to throw a packet of envelopes in the mail on the day of your nuptials.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:35 PM    <link>

NOT THAT PECULIAR

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have decided to get married in a very small wedding with our immediate family, maid of honor and best man only. There were a few factors in our decision, time and money being in the front of our minds.

I am worried that people will be offended that we didn't invite them to the wedding. I don't want to make people feel as if they are not important or we don't care about their blessing. We do have plans for the rest of our family and friends: in July we are planning on having our marriage blessed in the church that I grew up in and inviting everyone in our lives followed by an outdoor reception.

How do I reassure people that we are not just inviting them in July for the gifts? Should I should include information on the December wedding with the save the dates? I don't know if I should or need to explain what is happening. I am just very nervous about the reaction to all of it.

Nervous

Dear Nervous,

What you propose to do is not at all unusual. People elope (abroad or locally) or have tiny weddings followed by larger receptions all the time. Does it make you feel a little more comfortable knowing that you aren't doing something strange?

Now, if people ask why you decided to handle your wedding this way, you can always explain that you wanted to have an intimate wedding but you still wanted a chance to celebrate with all of your friends and family and this was the ideal set-up for you. There is no need to be embarrassed or defensive and keeping the numbers at your actual winter wedding low will help you because the smaller the number of people who were actually at you wedding, the less opportunity your uninvited relatives and friends will have to feel that they were singled out for exclusion.

As far as presents go, people will either be in the mood to give them or not. They are not obliged to give them in any case, and if they decide to get huffy and think you only invited them to your vow renewal and reception because of a present, they deserve to be laughed all the way to the parking lot. If someone says something about a gift grab, just blink and say that presents were the last thing on your mind and you certainly don't expect anything. This is something you don't need to worry about.

Finally, you don't need a save-the-date card unless you want one. You aren't being confusing or mysterious if you skip it but if you want to indicate that a party is in the works, you should feel free to tell everyone to mark their calendars.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:31 PM    <link>

A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS

Dear Elise,

I have a few questions, but I understand that you might only have time/space to answer one of them.

The most pressing question I have involves an uncle of mine who is an alcoholic. We want to serve some alcohol, but this man is likely to drink way more than is necessary to get drunk. I wish I could just not invite him because we are not close, but I'm inviting all my other aunts and uncles and it just wouldn't be fair. I don't want my uncle to get alcohol poisoning (which he does regularly) at my wedding, but I also don't want to ruin the fun for the other guests. Do you have any advice?

My second question is about RSVPs. I know that it is a nice gesture to send invitations to the parents and the bridal party, but are they actually expected to send in their response card? Isn't it pretty much assumed that they will be coming to the wedding? Would it be rude to just tuck a note in with the invitation saying that we know they are coming and that they don't have to reply?

Finally, my fiance is a swordfighter in a medieval recreation society, and so are many of our friends, including all of the groomsmen. We would like to have a sword arch, but are unsure of how to logistically make this work. Assuming you've ever heard of this, does a sword arch usually form before or after the ceremony? Or is it at the reception?

Thanks,

Many Questions

Dear MQ

Alcoholic guests present a really heavy issue for brides and grooms. It is hard to figure where your responsibility lies, and one inevitably struggles between wanting the party one wants to have and worry about the health of friends and relatives.

You aren't responsible for your uncle, but you can take some steps towards protecting him. If you are having drinks served by wait people or bartenders, you can tell them that they are permitted to cut him off if he gets too drunk. (You can arm them with a line about not serving dangerously drunk guests.) If you are using an event planner or if your venue has a coordinator, you could ask that person to help back you up at the wedding.

As for your second question about the response cards, are you truly troubled by sending them to your close relatives? It is simply a formal gesture to do this, and you're right that they should get invitations. If you really would rather send notes, you could, but that is a considerable amount of extra exertion for a gesture that people won't think twice about. I suspect you're overthinking this part of the invitation a little bit.

Finally, I don’t know which medieval society your fiance recreates, so I glanced around at sword arch traditions that the United States military uses. You and he may want to do some research to find something specific to the era and place your fiance finds interesting.

Sword arches in U.S. military wedding scenarios are formed after the ceremony as the couple leaves the house of worship. Sometimes the arch is formed indoors, but often churches or temples do not allow people to wear or display weapons inside a sacred space. Beyond that, you should see if you can find any details that are authentic to the culture your fiance recreates.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:08 AM    <link>

ANNOUNCING A BIRTH

Hello,

My daughter and I are getting ready to order birth announcements for my new grandson. My daughter and the child’s father are not married. She wishes to include both last names with a hyphen. What is the proper way of doing this?

Thank you,

Confused

Dear Confused,

The proper way to handle a baby's name on his or her birth announcement is to print the baby's name, as it appears on the birth certificate. So, if the baby has a hyphenated last name, all you and your daughter have to do is order birth announcements accordingly. It doesn't matter if your daughter and the father of your grandson are married.

Traditionally, a birth announcement contains the following information:

Baby's Full Name
Baby's Date of Birth
Parents' Names (In this case, listed separately)
(Optional information: time of birth, length of baby, weight of baby)

So really the only thing you shouldn't do is print up cards that imply the baby has a hyphenated last name if he doesn't.

Just tell it as it is.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:47 AM    <link>

JUSTIFYING EXPENSES

Hi Elise!

We're having a pretty pricey wedding that is being paid for by my family. My parents are quite well off, and we are very grateful and ecstatic to have the wedding of our dreams. However, in everyday life, we're rather thrifty, and this is how most of our friends/coworkers/acquaintances know us. A couple good friends of mine have just had or are planning very low budget weddings. I feel a little uncomfortable because I'm not sure how to graciously express my excitement and share wedding plans. I'm obviously not talking about discussing specific prices, but it's rather obvious from the venue, amenities, etc. that it's not a budget affair. I'd really like to be able to tell friends about the amazing photographer we're considering, or the lush desserts, without having them feel like I'm blabbing around.

How can I deal with this tactfully while still sharing my plans and how much of a dream come true it is? I want to crawl into a hole when I hear them saying things like "Oh my God, can you believe how much some stupid people spend on their weddings?!"

Thanks

Worried

Dear Worried,

Yours is a truly interesting question. It is amazing how eager we are to feel contempt for others, whether it be for their financial states or their choices about what they eat or what car they drive, whether or not they choose to have children or pets. Everyone seems to want the comfort that comes from the belief that there is One True Way and everyone else is living dangerously, or at least wantonly.

The bottom line is that life isn't fair. There will always be people who can spend more money on a wedding, and it really doesn’t matter. No one ever died because he or she couldn't afford to have elaborate centerpieces or a spendy wedding gown, or because she did spend a lot on those things. If you can afford your dream wedding, that's great, and your only obligation is to enjoy yourself and encourage your guests to have a wonderful time.

Having said this, it is hard for other people not to be jealous, so the line you must walk is clear: you can talk about your wedding but not in such a way that suggests you are comparing your choices to theirs. Ideally, you would not flaunt your privilege, so perhaps you should think about being circumspect when discussing your plans. Try to speak in generalities whenever possible and think about how your language would be perceived by people who don't have the financial cushion that you do.

If, after the wedding, your friends try to give you flak, you can say that you're sorry if they didn't have a good time and that you really enjoyed yourself, but the key at this moment is to neither appear to be gloating or embarrassed. Say only as much as it necessary and instead of telling everyone what they'll be seeing, let your wedding be a surprise to them; a happy surprise.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:27 AM    <link>

WHAT SORT OF BOX?

Dear Elise,

What sort of receptacle is appropriate for receiving wedding cards in? Is it polite to use a closed box with a slit in it, or can we make do with an open basket? I really can't stomach those white satin card boxes and birdcages.

Two Weeks to Go!

Dear Two Weeks,

Traditionally, guests who wanted to give an envelope with cash or a check in it to the wedding couple would either send it before or after the wedding, or pass it on to them on the receiving line, and the bride would slip it into her dainty purse or the groom would tuck it away on his person. Boxes are not necessary, some might find them problematic (as if they offer an explicit demand for money), and it could be argued that they are not particularly secure.

Now, since there are no traditional policies about what sort of box one could use to hold any monetary presents the wedding reception, the territory is wide open. If you want one, understand that the wedding industries will always invent a product for people to buy, but that doesn't mean that you need to fall for this bit of merchandizing. You can procure any sort of box you feel is attractive and tasteful and as long as you don't have a big sign that says: "Put Money Here" on it, you will be fine.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:39 AM    <link>

ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I have decided to have a three-day long destination wedding weekend and would like to keep our guest list very very small (parents and siblings and their husbands or wives only). My mother thinks it would be nice to invite my aunt, who has no children of her own. I say that if I invite one aunt, then I must invite all of my, which I do not want to do.

I know this aunt is going to be very upset if I don't invite her and I really feel backed against a wall. Keeping the guest list to immediate family is the only way I feel it is fair to all other relatives who may want to come as well. What do you think?

Thanks for your help,

- Eloping Sounds Good Right Now.

Dear Eloping,

Why does eloping sound so good? Are you agitated at the thought of having to confront your mother about something? Would it help to know that your instincts are completely on target?

The only way to safeguard yourself against guest list strife is to treat everyone equally. If you invite one aunt, all aunts and uncles should be invited. If you encourage one single guest to bring a date, all single guests should be allowed the same courtesy. If you don't do this, you would (absolutely reasonably) be creating the impression of preferring some people over others, and to be so blatant about it would be unpleasant for the excluded parties and generate discomfort for the included ones.

If your aunt will be upset about being excluded, gently explain to her why you need to observe this policy and insist that you want to celebrate with her after the fact. If you really feel you can't do this, then perhaps you should try entertaining the idea of inviting all of your aunts (and uncles if you have them as well).

So, the choice is yours: invite all of your parents' siblings or none of them, but don't create discord by following your mother's suggestion and good for you for having such spot-on sensibilities.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:12 AM    <link>

EXCLUDING A FATHER

Dear Elise,

I have been estranged from my father for the last two years. He was extremely abusive growing up, and I moved out to support myself when I was very young. I have struggled with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the abuse, and I stopped talking to my dad when it became clear that he couldn't control his behavior around me. I asked him to get therapy so that we could have a relationship, but he has refused to do so. He has tried to contact me, acting as though nothing is wrong, which I've responded to by reiterating my position gently and firmly.

Unless he deals with his problems, I don't want him at my wedding. I'm sad about the idea of leaving him out, but the onus is on him if he wants to be part of my life. My mother and my fiance support my decision. The problem is, I'm really, really close with quite a few people on my father's side of the family. His brother's wife was like a mother to me during my teenage years, and I talk to some of my cousins almost daily. I really can't fathom not inviting them to my wedding- it would feel awful for everyone.

What on earth can I do? If I invite my relatives without my father, there will almost certainly be some very unpleasant drama, especially since they don't all know about the situation. Even if my father was invited, there's absolutely no way I would walk down the aisle or dance with him. I love my family very much and don't want my wedding to be anything but a joyful occasion for all, but I feel like there's no graceful way around this one.

- Trying to Avoid Drama

Dear Trying,

When it comes to abuse, all bets are off. You do not have to invite your father to your wedding. Given the circumstances you describe, you have every reason in the world not to want to see him.

But in your letter you seem to be entertaining the idea of inviting your father, since you say you don't want to have him give you away or dance with him.

So, first you must decide if you want to include your father. If you decide to invite him, you don't have to walk down the aisle with him or anyone or dance with him or deal with him. Nowhere is it written that you have to. He can be a guest in the way that your other relatives are guests.

Now, if you don't want to invite your father, you shouldn't have to. Your mother and your fiance understand this and support you so you are not standing alone against a world of people trying to talk you out of something. You can also invite the relatives you like from your father's side of the family, but you should tell them of your decision not to invite your father. If they ask, you can tell them briefly that you and he are estranged and leave it at that. You don't need to explain your entire history, but to prevent discomfort, it would be safest to let them know ahead of time that they should not expect to see him at your wedding. You say that they don't know about the bad situation with your father, but it is highly possible that they know enough to understand your decision. You may think his temper and abuse were things he kept tucked away at home, but it is unlikely his family is not aware of how horrible he can be.

The decision is yours entirely, but realize that no matter what you don't have to be ashamed and you don't have to over-explain. Give everyone the minimum amount of information that leaves them informed, but if you need to avoid your father, you should take care of yourself.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:10 AM    <link>

SECOND SHOWER, INVITE IN-LAWS?

Hi Elise,

My husband and I live far away from both sets of parents and all of our siblings. We're expecting a baby in a few months, and some close friends of mine have offered to throw me a shower in the city we all live in. A few months ago, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were at a small surprise shower on my husband's side of the family and gave us lovely baby gifts. Should I invite them to the shower thrown by my friends?

Since showers are essentially about giving gifts, I don't want either of them to feel obligated to buy another baby gift or come across the country for another shower. They both live a plane-trip away and will likely be unable to make it, though there is the slim chance that my mother-in-law will decide to come. Selfishly, I don't want have my mother-in-law in town when my mom is flying out for the shower and one last weekend with me before the baby is born. Adding to the complexity, my mother-in-law has some ongoing paranoia about my parents being far more involved in our lives than she is, though I have done my best to treat them equally to this point.

Essentially, I don't want either my mother-in-law or sister-in-law to feel hurt if they find out about the shower and weren't invited, but I don't want to appear grabby about gifts either.

Can you shed some light on this problem? You always seem to be able to see through to the core of what can seem to be a very complicated problem!

Thanks.
Grateful but Confused

Dear GbC

You have a bunch of issues going on. In the first place, the standard policy about not inviting the same guests to multiple showers doesn't necessarily apply to immediate families of the baby. If you genuinely didn't mind seeing your mother-in-law and sister-in-law, inviting them to a second shower wouldn't be a problem. You would just have to let them know that all you want is for them to come to the party and that, in light of the previous shower, you don't want them to feel any present pressure, and you want them to know that they are welcome but you'd be just as happy if they visited sometime after the baby was born.

But you actually don't entirely want your in-laws around because you want to spend time alone with your mother, which is not unreasonable.

There is no way to tell what your mother-in-law's reaction will be if you decide not to invite her to this shower. Since she has a history of feeling put out and competitive, she might decide to take offense. This has nothing at all to do with anything you have or have not done. She just happens to be afraid of being left out. Whatever you do, it would be unwise to try to hide the shower from her. Somehow, sometime, someone will blab it and then you'll have to dig yourself out of the hole of having lied by omission.

So, the choice is yours, but you may want to talk to your husband about his sense of his mother's reaction. He may feel that she wouldn't care too much about a second shower or the opposite: that not inviting her would be devastating. Regardless, you can always insist that, shower aside, this weekend is for you and your mother. That way your mother-in-law can't accuse anyone of excluding her, and she won't be alone without anyone to talk to because her daughter will be with her. This will allow you to preserve some time with your mother and since she is coming in from out of town, your desire to hang out with her solo wouldn't be weird at all.

In both situations you will have to be firm about stating what you want to do, but you can absolutely split the difference so that you can get what you want without feeling selfish or put upon.

Congratulations and enjoy your last weeks of pregnancy.

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:31 AM    <link>

BROTHER ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE

Hi Elise,

I'm thinking about asking my brother to stand beside me with my bridesdmaids, instead of with my fiance's groomsmen. My fiance already has 3 groomsmen, and I only have 2 bridesmaids, so I would have him stand in between my two girls and it would even our numbers. More importantly though, my brother is really important to me. It means so much to me to know that he will be there and I want to acknowledge him in a special way. I'm still toying with the idea and I haven't mentioned it to him yet. One other issue, he is gay but not "out" to everyone. My fiance thinks that he might find it offensive if I ask him to stand on my side, but I'm not sure what to do. Is this unheard of? Will it be offensive if I ask him?

Any advice would be great!

Happy Sister

Dear Happy Sister,

What you propose to do is not only absolutely in keeping with the contemporary notion of a wedding party (that is, having the people to whom one's is closest stand up with you), it is also a wonderful way to honor your relationship with your brother.

You can be assured that it is not completely uncommon for people to have coed wedding parties, and it makes plenty of sense for you to feature your brother in your bridal party, as opposed to having your fiance incorporate him into his wedding party. He is, after all, your brother and you want to celebrate your relationship with him.

There is nothing offensive about asking your brother to be in your wedding party. You and your fiance should also realize that your brother's sexual preferences are completely immaterial. They have absolutely nothing to do with whose side of the altar he stands on. If you want him by your side, ask him. You are offering him an honor, and there is nothing objectionable about that.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:13 AM    <link>

OLDER AT THE ALTAR

Dear Elise,

I am getting married for the third time and hopefully thrice is the charm! However I am 50 years old and unsure of how to pull this off. I have been through some devastatingly hard times and after being mortally depressed for a long time, I really forced myself to start living life again. I was not looking for love, but it found me anyway and now I am planning my wedding.

The problem is that I really want to celebrate this new chapter in my life but I am unsure what to do. I figured out that I want a "vintage" wedding dress in a non-white color and to hold an early evening ceremony in one of the gardens at the college where I teach. But beyond that, I am clueless. You would think having been married twice before would help, but I really didn't have ceremonies with either one. Everything I read seems oriented towards younger brides. How do I pull this off without looking stupid?

Gracefully Aging Hippie

Dear GAH,

I think the notion that wedding celebrations belong exclusively to the very young is, itself, a little weird. People of all ages get married in all manner of ways, so there is really no reason to think that any of your previous experiences deny you the chance to have a lovely ceremony and reception, if you want to have them.

Apart from the standard recommendations about choice of attire, which being no fashion expert, I am not qualified to make, you have an open playing field. Nothing you have proposed sounds even remotely worthy of a lifted-eyebrow. You are right that the language of weddings is often targeted at younger people, but that is just a matter of convention, not propriety. Everyone is always entitled to embark upon something new, regardless of age or experience.

Have a fabulous wedding and celebrate in ways that are appropriate to your nature.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:30 AM    <link>

WELCOMING COWORKERS

Dear Elise,

I work in a fairly small office, we all get along really well and are aware of events in the other's lives. I would like to invite them but I know that they are not likely to come as to get there would involve plane travel and hotels etc. Knowing that they probably won't able to attend, I'm worried that an invitation may look like I'm looking for gifts, which is not the case at all.

I'm just wondering what the proper way to deal with this situation is.

Wants the Right Impression

Dear Right Impression,

If you would like to see your colleagues at your wedding, you should absolutely invite them. There is no telling which of your co-workers would be able to attend or not. Sometimes the wanderlust strikes exactly when a wedding invitation with required travel lands on a doorstep.

The point is, you can't second-guess your friends and family. All you can do is welcome them. Put all your worries about people thinking you are just asking for presents aside. In the first place, an invitation is a compliment. You are asking for someone to be present at a very important occasion. In the second place, a wedding invitation doesn't require that its recipient give a present, only a timely response (regarding attendance).

So welcome your colleagues and don't worry about any negative implications. Anyone who dares make such a suggestion is a sourpuss who doesn't understand the spirit of the occasion.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:24 AM    <link>

QUICK WEDDING, IN-TOWNERS ONLY

Dear Elise,

My soon-to-be husband is the favorite grandson and we are getting married in about 3 weeks. I have not yet sent out invitations since this is a spur of the moment event (we'll be mailing them this week).

I am wondering how to tell his grandparents and his other extended family and friends that we are getting married and not invited since they live out of state and only local friends are coming, since the date of the ceremony is so close.

I want to have a vow renewal ceremony in a couple of years and have a big blow-out when we can afford it this event will be like the wedding of my dreams and want them there but not at the one in three weeks

Please Help

Ready to Go

Dear Ready,

Are you not inviting any family at all or are you thinking of inviting only in-town family? How exactly are you explaining this to your families generally?

I would caution you strongly against having a wedding in which you invite some family members because they live in town and exclude other close ones because they are not nearby (so if you invite your grandparents, his should also be invited). That would be strategically unwise and it is really worth not ruffling family feathers over questions of proximity. You're on safer footing if you happen not to be inviting any relatives to your wedding.

There is no telling how your fiance's grandparents will respond to not being invited to his wedding, so I can't offer you a foolproof script but the wisest thing to do would be for him to call them up soon. He should tell them that he is happy to be getting married and that you are doing it without fanfare and intend to have another exchange of vows and reception later. They may react well to this; they may not. What you need to be careful about is preserving an atmosphere of equality so that your fiance's grandparents can't feel that they were treated unfairly. If they are hurt about not being invited, that is something that can't be helped.

In short, your fiance needs to talk to them and he should do it sooner than later. He should emphasize his happiness and his love for them and with luck they'll understand your plans and be happy for you now and look forward to your future reception.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:53 AM    <link>

COUSIN EXCESS

Hello Elise,

Two of my father's sisters are substantially older than he is and their 5 children are more than 20 years older than I am. While I was close with my other 14 cousins growing up, we never saw a lot of these older cousins. Is it okay not to invite them to the wedding, on the grounds that we did not grow up with them? Most of my other cousins are now in their twenties, so I couldn't use the rule of adult vs. kid cousins.

My sister did not invite this group of cousins to her wedding. One of my aunts was very upset about her children not being included. She complained to my mother several times the day of the wedding and unfortunately, my mother tends to take things like this to heart. I am quite angry at my aunt for spoiling the day for my mother. It was my sister's decision, after all.

Should I invite all cousins (adding about 15 people to the guest list, since I would be expected to invite their partners and kids, too), in order to comply with my bullying aunt and keep the peace? Or should I not invite my older cousins and risk my aunt spoiling the day for my mother again? I am almost considering having a talk with that aunt or not inviting her either. I guess the most important thing for me is that my mother can enjoy the day, but I would really prefer to have more of our friends there instead of cousins I don't know very well, nor particularly like.

Thanks for your help,

Too Many Cousins

Dear TMC,

Your problem is tricky because you, unfortunately, already know the answer to your question since the whole business played itself out at your sister's wedding. Clearly, excluding this set of cousins will be problematic because your aunt will become enflamed and harass your mother (and possibly your father as well). It is unlikely that a stern talking to will do anything more than encourage your aunt's bad behavior. It will give her the perfect opening. Because you are breaking the "everyone or no one" protocol, your aunt, unfortunately can use this to be self-righteous.

So if you are primarily interested in keeping the peace and making your mother happy your choices are the following: 1. Invite all of your cousins and smile at them, and their mother through gritted teeth or 2. Invite none of your cousins and none of your aunts or uncles and have smaller celebrations with them after the fact. The advantage of the first option is that everyone is pleased and you won't have time to actually talk to these cousins you don't know or don't care for. The advantage of the second choice is that you will have a chance to talk to the relatives you do like at the secondary parties.

Sadly, though, you can't actually win this battle because the cost of excluding your cousins is your mother's pleasure. So which of these two options makes you less unhappy? Which would ultimately make more sense to you?

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:16 AM    <link>

THE PLAYER TO BE NAMED LATER AND INVITATIONS

Dear Elise,

I am very close to the women in my book group, and have invited them all to my upcoming wedding. We have talked about adding another person to our group.

We talk about everything personal during our monthly meetings, and I know my wedding will come up in conversation. I feel like proper etiquette would be to invite this new person, but we have a very limited guest list, and I have had to cut dear friends from my list because of this limit.

I'm inviting my book group because I feel super close to them, due to the bond we've formed over the years. I don't want to have to invite this new person just for etiquette's sake, but it also makes for a really awkward situation and I don't want to be a jerk. Should the newbie buck up and be understanding or should I suck it up and invite her (which would mean her plus one)? Please help.

Best,

- Don't Want to Be a Jerk (But I Really Sort of Do)

Dear Don't Want/Do So Want,

The solution to your predicament fundamentally depends on how much self-control you have. If you don't want to invite the book club member to be named later, do not talk about your wedding or your guest list at your meetings.

I realize this will be tricky and you will probably have to caution the other members of the group accordingly, but it is really the only way to go.

Think about it. What could be less welcoming and nice than to be invited into a club where all of the members spend their time talking about a party and then after the fact, reminiscing about the affair, all the while knowing about your exclusion from the event? While your new addition would surely not presume to be invited to your wedding, she should assume the club would be kind enough not to highlight her newcomer/outsider status.

You don't have to invite the new person but you should keep your wedding on the Q.T. Anything else is simply not fair to you or your book club newcomer. If you don't feel you can control yourself, you could always make a bid to hold off on adding an eighth person until after your wedding. That would leave you all free to speak your minds about matters other than books and not create an awkward environment.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:21 PM    <link>

NOT ENOUGH CASH FOR BOOZE

Dear Elise,

I understand that having a cash bar at a wedding is considered bad form, but unfortunately my fiance and I are not made out of money. I have been to weddings where there was an open cocktail hour followed by a cash bar the rest of the night. I personally don't like the idea of guests having to pay for their own drinks, but our budget won't allow for an open bar all night. Is the hosted cocktail hour an acceptable alternative?

Sincerely,

No Budget for Booze

Dear No Budget for Booze,

One of the mistakes people make when thinking about wedding refreshments, and this applies to the wedding couple and the guests alike, is that they assume the reception is meant to fulfill all wishes, satisfy every craving and indulge the most refined palates. This is why there is such an odd emphasis on shrimp cocktail in reception menus (not that I would ever turn such a masterpiece of taste and simplicity down) and people almost come to blows about whether to include pigs in a blanket as appetizers.

The same problem applies to beverages. You can set whatever limits you like. You are not obliged to pay for an open bar, nor is a cash bar the only alternative to an open bar. Thee is a substantial middle-ground. You could choose to serve wine and beer only. You could have a sparkling wine or a prosecco instead of champagne. If you want an extra flourish you could design a signature cocktail and serve that as an option in addition to the wine and beer. There are many possibilities that enable you to be gracious and not force your guests to pay for their drinks. The key here is to accept the fact that not all of your guests will be able to have their favorite mixed drinks all night. There is nothing at all wrong with that and it is much more comfortable for everyone if you avoid a situation where guests have to pay for their drinks.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:59 AM    <link>

MULTIPLE CEREMONIES & COMPLICATIONS

Dear Elise,

I am contemplating a Vegas elopement. Financially speaking, this is the right thing to do. We were already planning on marrying but we would be doing it several years before we originally planned to do it.

There are several issues, though. We don't plan to invite our families. My brother is in the process of having a sex change, and not everyone (including immediate family) knows about this. Her (formerly his) presence would make the whole family uncomfortable. We discussed having a small civil ceremony, but she's my only sibling and my future husband is an only child, so her absence would be quite unusual. How do I break this to my parents without disclosing my sibling's secret? We're also not officially engaged, so this is going to be a big shock for my parents.)

Second, both of us were raised Catholic, and at some point, we'll need to be married in the church. I'm not worried about the double wedding. The two of us would like to wait a year or two and hold a Catholic wedding, right down to the white dress and formal reception. I have a large extended family, and this would be a great way to celebrate with them. Is it tacky to wait to hold this wedding? Or even to have it at all? In our families, our marriage won't "officially" be recognized until this happens. Since my fiance has been self-supporting since 18, and my parents made a huge contribution to my education, we want to pay for this ourselves, thus the wait. By the time we could afford and plan a wedding, my sibling's issues will be taken care of, and will not be a factor in the process.

Sincerely,

Confused Bride to Be

Dear Confused,

To answer the second half of your question first, there is nothing rude about having a civil ceremony before a religious one. This happens quite often, but you should check with your church to see if you would be permitted to have your religious ceremony years after your civil one. Generally, the two ceremonies are held in relatively close temporal proximity, and once they are separated by a number of years, the second ceremony is called a "vow renewal," but in your case, that is an issue that your church will answer. From a legal perspective, you are in the clear; it is only from a religious one that you might have some questions to resolve.

Your sibling's sex change is obviously something you care about, but it also is not something for which you have to be responsible. If you want to invite your sibling to your Las Vegas wedding along with your parents, you absolutely should. Talk to your sibling first. She will decide if this is a good time to tell your parents about the sex change or decide to skip the ceremony. You don't have to concern yourself with telling your parents about this but you should let your sibling know that you want to invite everyone to your wedding so she can make plans about how to talk to your family about what she is doing.

If you decide not to invite your families to Las Vegas, that is perfectly fair, but there is no telling how your parents will react. If you discuss your reasons for doing things quickly with them and reinforce how important their presence at your church wedding will be, you will be on your way to easing tension. If you go this route, without lying, do your best not to make your Vegas wedding sound like an event they will have been sorry to have missed and then concentrate on your future ceremony.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:24 AM    <link>

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