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Friday, November 30, 2007

CHRISTMAS PARTY QUERY

Hi Elise,

My wife and I have been invited to the home of a friend for a Christmas party. I have been confused in the past as to what to bring if anything as a gift to the party. So I am asking this year so that I can feel more confident when we go to make sure we have showed our appreciation and to let them know of how much we value this relationship.

Holiday Query

Dear HQ

It is indeed a gracious gesture to bring a token present to your party hosts. As a general matter, host and hostess gifts can be small, thoughtful, often consumable items, but if you think you have a better idea, you should feel free to exercise your own superior knowledge of your friend's taste and interests.

Standard sorts of presents are: wine, fancy chocolates or other tasty items, luxurious soaps or candles, a book your host might find intriguing, a tree ornament (obviously only in the case of Christmas parties). I could go on and on, but I suspect you get the drift by now.

Bring something simple but be sure to attach a card with a note saying how happy you are to be included in the festivities, and sign it. There is so frustrating to get a present and not know its origins.

Enjoy yourself.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:20 AM    <link>

CHRISTMAS CARD QUANDARY

Dear Elise,

Do I include the name of my son's fiance when I sign our Christmas cards this year? If so, how do I word it?

In the Spirit

Dear In the Spirit,

This is an interesting question. It really gets to the heart of how you feel about your son's future spouse. If you are so close that you really feel you are one family already, then by all means include the extra name, added in with the list at the bottom of the card. On the other hand, if you are not inclined to make any sort of statement at all, there are ways to be neutral about it. You could always have the cards come from the "YourLastName Family," which includes everyone in a general way. You could also scale everything back and just have the cards come from you and your spouse.

The only difficulty you could create with your Christmas card signatures is if you include one child-in-law and not another. You want to treat everyone equally so that you don't create resentment between (or among) your children and their partners. If you decide to include one by name, you should include them all.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:57 AM    <link>

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. ISN'T IT?

Dear Elise,

Are the parents of the bride expected to give a gift to the wedding couple if they have already paid for the entire wedding and also given a fairly expensive wedding shower gift?

Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

The parents of the bride are not expected to give any presents they are not prepared to offer with pleasure and grace. In this case, these parents have already been extremely generous and should not feel uncomfortable about not offering still more presents. They may want to consider, however, offering the wedding couple a different sort of gesture.

In lieu of still more stuff, parents could do something that indicates how happy they are for their child. They could have the newlyweds over for a celebratory meal or send them a letter expressing some of this good will. They could also just talk about what a wonderful time they had at the wedding and how happy they are that they had the opportunity to host such an occasion.

The key in all of this is that the parents should not feel defensive or guilty. If the bride worries that the absence of a "proper" wedding present is an indication of parental displeasure, her parents should tell her that they don't feel that way at all, quite the contrary.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:03 AM    <link>

WHAT TO DO WITH THE TOTS

Dear Elise,

My fiancee and I have a lot of guests coming in from out of the country for our wedding. Two of the out-of-town couples currently have newborn children and/or toddlers. A number of our local friends are pregnant and will give birth before our wedding next autumn. We would like to find some way to make it possible and comfortable for all our friends with babies (especially the out-of-towners) to be able to attend our wedding.

Is it insensitive to exclude children from our wedding when people might be traveling from overseas to celebrate with us? Would it be best to have a babysitter in a separate room to take care of the children, or should we let them attend the ceremony and reception with their parents? I think it would be rude to make our local friends hire babysitters for the night, but let the out-of-towners bring their babies to the wedding.

Thanks,

Figuring It All Out

Dear Figuring,

The kid question is age old and extremely sensitive, so your confusion is perfectly reasonable.

As far as your instincts go, you are on the right track. It is extremely bad form to invite some children and not others (unless one is adopting an "only children of immediate family" policy, or one of its variations). You could of course include them all at your ceremony and reception. Alternatively, you could offer babysitting in a separate room at the reception or you could offer the names of local babysitters who could look after your friends' children where your friends are staying. This last scenario while gracious does not always work, since parents can quite reasonably feel nervous about leaving their kids in the care of strangers.

In any case, you must decide on a policy (whether you include children or not) and execute it globally. Responsibility works both ways, so if their kids are not invited, your friends can decide if they want to travel without them or what sorts of arrangements work best, just as your friends who live in town can decide how they want to handle child care. This would be the case, by the way, even if you decide to invite the children. Some people are happy for the excuse to get out without their kids, particularly if the event is in the evening. As long as you treat everyone and their children equally, you'll be in fine shape.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:26 PM    <link>

A SOLUTION TO THE "NO GIFTS PLEASE" QUANDARY

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend and I are planning on marrying. I'm nearly 40 and divorced (no kids), he's 29 and never married. He wants the big wedding and the big party because he never had that, and he wants all his friends and family there. I had that once, and while I'm fine with doing that again (because why should he lose out on that fun day?), can I have my mom spread the word to her sisters and their families that we'd love to have them join us for the wedding, but to please not bring us gifts? They all gave generously at my first wedding, and I don't actually need anything, and I just want them there. Sure, some will still probably buy us a gift and that's fine, but I was thinking of putting the word out that what I'd really love is for them to give me a photo of themselves/their families, so I'd have pictures of all my loved ones.

Thoughts? Thanks!

Not-So-Blushing Bride

Dear Not-So-Blushing,

Don't sell yourself short. Every bride is entitled to blush if the mood suits her.

Now, your question about presents is a sweet and gracious one and you have hit upon a terrific solution to the "don't want anything" problem. To execute it, all you need to do is neglect to register at any store and have your family put out the word that you would really love to have a photograph for an album you're compiling.

Yours is a strong idea because it gives people an opportunity to make a gesture and it is a simple enough request to execute.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:38 AM    <link>

DRINKS, TIME AND THE SONG

Greetings Elise,

My fiance and I are both non-drinkers and we are having a difficult time deciding on if and/or how to make alcohol available. My issue is that I don't want to spend a fortune stocking a bar and he thinks that cash bars at weddings are tacky. We both feel that we should offer something for those who want cocktails, however I am uncomfortable having it be a focus. My thought was to have a Saturday afternoon wedding to avoid heavy drinking by some guests, but our "song" is "Dancing in the Moonlight." Dusk arrives at 8 pm. Do you have any advice on this matter?

Thanks!

To Booze or Not to Booze

Dear To Booze,

Several practical points pop to mind immediately. First, you don't have to serve alcohol at all if you don't want, but you are correct in thinking that many guests often assume that some kind of alcoholic beverages will be served.

You have a lot of choices about what you can do, but you are confusing yourself. You can marry at any time of day that pleases you best. Whatever your song is, you can get married at any time and no one would flinch. If your favorite song was "Dancing on the Ceiling" or "I Love Paris" or "Spring is Here" and you played it while keeping your feet on the floor, or while dancing in Colorado or if you happened to marry in Autumn there could not possibly be a conflict. There is no clause in the "Dancing in the Moonlight" contract that says the song can only be played after the sun has gone down, so you don't have to let your music dictate the time of your wedding, unless you want to use it as a private ploy to make some decisions.

Among the things you can do, if you feel comfortable offering some alcohol, is to serve only a signature cocktail, or only offer wine (or wine and beer). This will help limit consumption while still letting you be gracious and in control of your budget. It is fine to set your own limits. So think about what would be most comfortable for you and know that as long as you aren't making people pay for their drinks, you should be in good shape.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:30 AM    <link>

SATISFYING CURIOSITY

Dear Elise,

At what point should a wedding guest worry about not having received a thank you note for the gift? I am starting to get concerned that perhaps my gift was not received as I have not heard anything from the bride and groom and the wedding was some time ago. How long do I wait before inquiring? And how does one do that gently and without embarrassment on either side?

Guest Without a Thank You

Dear Without,

How long has it been? A month? Three? Has the wedding couple returned from honeymooning? If you answered: "yes" to any or all of these questions, you can safely inquire if your present arrived or was lost in the mail.

You do have to tread a bit lightly when you quiz your friends. Don't highlight the fact that you never got a thank you note or in any way try to twist the knife of guilt about it. Be casual about it and ask without chastising or trying to force an apology. You want an answer, not a squirming newlywed.

Tread lightly and cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:02 PM    <link>

OLD ENOUGH TO MARRY BUT ACTING LIKE A TODDLER

Dear Elise,

My son eloped after he had an argument with his younger brother. They both got engaged around the same time and they both wanted to get married in November, but when they figured out that both sets of parents couldn't attend his wedding, my younger son decided to get married two months earlier. Then my oldest son said his brother was upstaging his wedding and that he should wait until next year. My younger son didn't want to do that and because of that my older son eloped.

I feel my older son and his wife left the parents out of their wedding as a spiteful gesture, because he was mad at his brother and punished us because we said his brother had a right to get married when he wanted. Before we even knew they were contemplating eloping, we strongly emphasized that we would come to his wedding regardless of where or when it was. We wanted to share in his happiness also.

Does my oldest son have a right to leave his parents out?

Upset

Dear Upset,

This isn't really a question of "rights" or anything quite so lofty. Your older son can choose to marry as he sees fit, but he is acting rather poorly. There are many ways to makes decisions about one's wedding, but choices made out of pique just make one seem rather immature.

The real problem here is that your older son felt he could dictate his brother's wedding plans. This is bad form all the way around. If the two of them realized that their plans conflicted, they could have worked together to find a compromise, but neither of them would be justified in telling the other that he would have to wait a year to get married. You were absolutely right in saying that your younger son could get married at a time that suited him best and your older son is being ridiculous if he honestly thinks that a family wedding within eight weeks of his nuptials with somehow taint them.

You did nothing wrong and everything right in this situation. From here on, I would advise treating your older son as if he were a toddler recovering from a tantrum. You can recognize the fact that he was frustrated but the fact remains that his brother has his own life to lead. If you're not too annoyed, offer your son and his new wife a celebratory dinner so that he won't feel entitled to go on sulking. This will give you a chance to welcome his bride to the family formally while taking the wind out of his sails a bit.

Graciousness and patience will win the day for you.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:39 AM    <link>

NOTES NOT A BAD IDEA

Dear Elise,

My future mother-in-law surprised me with a "meet-the-bride" event for her friends in my fiance's hometown. It was a lovely, small affair. On the invitation, she had indicated that gifts were not required, but if people wanted to honor me, they could bring non-perishable food to be donated to a food bank. Several did, though I have no way of knowing exactly who brought what.

Two guests did bring me small gifts, one of which is a recipe book to which she asked the others to contribute (including my address so they could mail recipes to me). Of course I plan to send thank-yous to the two women who gave gifts (as well as my fiance's mother for throwing the party). But should I send thank-yous to the rest of the party just for having attended? I had thought that if / when any of them sent me a recipe, I could send a thank-you at that point, but that might mean I don't send notes to some of them (if they don't send me a recipe). I don't want to slight anyone; I'm just not sure if it's usual protocol to thank attendees of a party if gift giving was not involved.

Note Writer

Dear Note Writer,

It would be an exceedingly gracious gesture if you wrote notes to everyone, thanking them in a general way for coming to the party, for donating to charity and for giving you the pleasure of meeting them.

This gesture would be a bit above and beyond the call if people hadn't been asked for the donations, however optional they were. If you think about it, this is a moment where you have an opportunity to really present yourself in a shining light to your future in-laws and their friends. While it is not absolutely necessary, consider how much good will making this effort will earn you, particularly since you are truly grateful for everything that was done in your honor.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:47 AM    <link>

WHY OPEN IT UP?

Hi Elise,

I was married a few weeks ago (hooray!). When we chose the wedding party, I was torn over whether to ask a friend with whom I've recently grown close to be a bridesmaid. I decided not to include her for a number of complicated reasons involving our social circles and really didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

In the end, I told everyone that we were limiting the wedding party to people we'd been friends with before my now-husband and I got together, which ended up being true. My friend came to the rehearsal dinner with her boyfriend, and she was delightful at the wedding, which went beautifully.

Recently I was talking with my friend, and she mentioned that she had been to a wedding of another good friend, and that she had hosted this girl's bachelorette party despite not being a bridesmaid. Again I wanted to tell her that I really wanted her to stand up with me but that I just didn't want to hurt our mutual friend's feelings! Am I right in thinking there's no way to broach this, and that I should leave it alone? I don't want her to think she doesn't mean that much to me, but I don't want to cause her more hurt than I would by saying nothing.

Biting My Tongue

Dear Biting,

The question you should ask yourself what you think the reward would be in explaining yourself. In general, this is nothing you really need to justify or explain beyond everything you have already said.

One of the peculiar issues of bridesmaids in general is that people expect the role to be the ultimate celebration of friendship. How could this be really? Perhaps you feel closer to this friend now than you were when you got married. That's fine, but you certainly don't have to feel guilty about not having included her in your wedding party. Your friendship and all of the quotidian things you do with and for each other is much more meaningful than any honor attendant position could be.

Do you know for certain that your friend's feelings are hurt? Perhaps she was actually happier being a "civilian" at your wedding. Your reasons for limiting your wedding party are completely reasonable and acceptable and it is laudable that you wanted to make sure no one had hurt feelings. I know you feel guilty and strange but you don't have anything to feel bad about, so there's really no point in stirring that pot.

Now that your wedding is over, you can concentrate on the larger details of your life and enjoying and building this and many other friendships.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:38 AM    <link>

COUSIN LIMITS

Dear Elise,

I come from a large and close-knit extended family, but unfortunately my budget and reception site preclude inviting everyone. A second cousin of my mother's asked my mother if her two college-aged daughters would be invited to the wedding. I hadn't planned on inviting any second cousins' children, except for the two children in one family who are too young to stay home by themselves. All of the other second cousins' children are old enough to have graduated high school.

Is it okay to invite two members of a generation but exclude the others based on a rather arbitrary cut-off (i.e. high school graduation)?

What is the nicest way of telling someone that they or their family member will not be invited to the wedding?

Swimming in Cousins

Dear Swimming,

Invitation cut-offs based on age limits are tricky and really depend on individual situations. Some people, for instance, may want to have an age limit cut-off but if they have a guest list filled with people who have multiple children, some of whom make the cut-off and others who don't, they are probably going to hear a lot of complaining. No one wants to be able to take one sibling while having to find childcare for another. On the other hand, if you are in a situation where it is easy to draw these lines, you can have age limits with less guilt.

Your first question relates to your second question. The easiest way to tell people that you can't invite them is that you are having a small wedding, that you can't invite everyone you love. In the case of children, you can say (though this works better with people who need to limit young children) that you had to make the hard decision to exclude all kids because you couldn't accommodate all of them.

When you talk about these things, explain that you have to be fair when challenged by your limits. If this is the best arrangement for you and you can be fair about it, make it your policy, as long as you remember not to make exceptions. If you do, people will discover them and then you'll never hear the end of it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:09 PM    <link>

SKIPPING THE REHEARSAL

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are currently trying to plan our wedding without going into debt. Now, with that said, my fiance thinks that a good way to cut costs is to not have a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. Our wedding will be on a Saturday and some of our bridal party probably will not be able to arrive until Saturday morning or late Friday evening after work, so he thinks that it would just be easier for us not to have a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner at all, and instead just get everyone together for a brief run through the morning of the wedding. Is that okay, or would it be completely offensive?
Sincerely,

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

There is no rule that says you have to have a rehearsal or a rehearsal dinner. None at all. Those traditions exist for your comfort more than anything else.

In your case, if a bunch of the people for whom the rehearsal would actually be informative and useful aren't going to be around, the benefits of the tradition are a bit compromised. You would just end up having to explain everything right before the ceremony anyway.

As for the rehearsal dinner, this is also a nice thing to do, but not a necessary thing, and, again, if many of the people you would invite to the rehearsal dinner will not be available, you have a perfectly good reason for skipping it. Don't worry about skipping these events if having them will be impractical and ultimately unhelpful. If, on the other hand, you are feeling twitchy about not doing anything on the eve of your wedding and want to have a simple and inexpensive get-together instead of the full-fledged multi-course dinner, you could do that too.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:48 PM    <link>

HOLIDAY CARD WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT REDUX

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning to elope. We are commemorating the event with family photos afterward at a local park (we have a one year-old). I was trying to think of creative ways to announce this, and wanted to include our news in our holiday cards with a simple photo of the three of us. Do you have any suggestions for the wording of the card? I was thinking of something like:

It is with great joy this holiday season that
we announce our marriage
Date
Location


With love,
the K family
C, J and H

But I am not sure this sounds right. Is this tacky? Do you think it will appear to be just another Christmas card? I thought it would be a nice way to announce our marriage, and wish everyone a happy holiday too!

Tongue-tied

Dear Tongue-tied,

There is nothing at all wrong with your idea, and the language you have chosen is fine. You might include an additional "Happy Holidays" or "Best Wishes for the New Year" sort of message, but you aren't being vulgar.

The only possible objections can easily be dispensed with, unless they really bother you. Some sourpusses could say that your card is a thinly disguised bid for wedding presents. (This is completely silly since letting people know you got married in no way obliges anyone to give you anything.) You may also find that getting a holiday card to do double duty as a wedding announcement taxes your medium a bit, and some of your friends might not notice your news, or treat it with the significance you feel it deserves. Some may treat it as just another holiday card, but if you are prepared for this, you won't be surprised. The only way around it would be to do a separate mailing.

You really don't have anything to worry about.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:55 AM    <link>

WEDDING PLANNER FRICTION

Dear Elise,

I am having a very elaborate wedding in a very upscale town at a very upscale venue. I interviewed the venue's top preferred event planners and picked the most recommended one. For my initial consultation she seemed organized, on top of things, and slightly aggressive which I thought would help on the day of my wedding. Knowing how flustered and worried I can become during events with this much attention on me, I knew I wanted the best, even if she was also the most expensive.

Here is the problem: my event planner gave me many referrals for my other vendors. I choose some and some I did not. When it came to the florists, she really pushed me towards one I did not feel comfortable with. I stalled about it for a while, didn’t call her back for several weeks, and asked the caterer for other recommendations. I found another one I liked better and mentioned it to her via voicemail. Several weeks later she returned my delayed call as I was on the other line. I told her that I would call her right back and she replied that she “doesn’t know what we have to talk about anyway considering I have made up my own mind about things.” I stumbled over my next words with the shock of her brashness.

The only thing I can assume is that she either gets kickbacks or she is annoyed I didn’t take her choice. Either way I feel uncomfortable as she is someone I hired to relieve stress and not cause it. I already paid her and will have to use her the day of the wedding. What is the best way to ensure that she will be pleasant and relieve stress during my actual wedding day? Should I bring this up, or just be as sweet as sugar until the wedding and try and win her back to my team?

She’s giving me the shakes.

Thanks,
Shaking not Stirred


Dear Shaking,

Well, it sounds as if you and your wedding planner are having a communication collapse, which isn't the end of the world, but it would probably serve you better to get things out in the open. You are paying her to do a lot of things for you and both of you deserve to get information in a clear and timely fashion.

I have no idea whether she gets money from the vendors she recommends; certainly some businesses operate that way. She could be put out that you didn't let her know your feelings about the first vendor so she could work with you on choosing another. Maybe she felt a bit put out that you stalled for so long about the florist and only told her in a voice mail message. There are lots of possibilities for her weird attitude, but none of them matters.

At this point, you're best off clearing the air and just explaining to her that you're sorry this issue with the florist came up. You can tell her why you prefer the florist you decided to use and explain that you didn’t mean to be non-communicative or problematic, but that you needed to be sure you made the best decision for your needs, and that you're sure she understands how much you care about the floral arrangements.

You don't need to ignore the problem. This is a professional relationship and both of you can only be happy if you can gently and positively talk about your needs. You shouldn’t squash your interests, but you should try to work with your planner to have the wedding you want. Be direct, not coy and don't be afraid of her. She is there as a resource and a guide. That is what you hired her to help her with, after all.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:53 AM    <link>

SHOULD I HATE HER?

Dear Elise,

I got married recently at my parents home. I had two bridesmaids: my sister and my sister-in-law, who seemed to be excited that I asked her to be a part of the wedding. I asked my sister-in-law's son to be the ring bearer. My sister-in-law and I both live a six-hour drive away from my hometown, where I got married.

My sister and my mother had a shower for me and invited my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law but the drive was too far so they didn't go I understood. My sister-in-law never offered to have any parties for me where we live and I really didn't want to throw my own, but that was ok. She never offered any help before the wedding, but I am pretty independent so that was ok too.

Beyond that, my sister-in-law never did anything for the wedding. She didn't weigh in on the bridesmaid dress; she didn't accept my offer to treat her to a massage and manicure. She missed the wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner because she and her husband, son and mother timed their drive to our house badly. (In the end we canceled the rehearsal dinner because so many people were missing.)

The day of the wedding my sister-in-law didn't show for the hair appointments I had made for her and my mother-in-law. She arrived an hour and forty minutes late for the pre-wedding photography session we had planned. At the reception she would only sit with her cousin and her cousins' children who had not been invited and then left early because she said her kids were tired. She left town the next morning, never thanked me for the presents I got for her family and never even tried to get to know my family.

What did I do wrong? I had over 100 people at my wedding but somehow feel that I should have done more to make my DH's family feel more welcomed. My parents now think that my husband has a very rude family, they never got the chance to properly meet and showed up late or not at all for everything.

I am afraid to tell my husband that I think his sister is horrible and that instead of enjoying my wedding, I am now in tears thinking about how rude she was to me and my parents, and how my husband and I were snubbed at the reception.

I really never want to see his family again.

Miserable

Dear Miserable,

The center of this problem seems to be that your sister-in-law is just into your wedding. She may be making a larger statement about her feelings about you and your family, or she may just not be interested in weddings, or she may just be a flake who can't get her act together to save herself and traveling with her child just taxed her limited organizational skills too much. There is no telling.

As far as the shower question goes, she probably is of the "one shower is enough" school of thought. Many people feel that way and her lack of a gesture isn't in and of itself rude. The rest of her behavior is so consistent that from an outsider's perspective, she seems absolutely unable to deal with anything more than the smallest responsibility. You unfortunately asked her to do a lot of things (most of which were nice and would have benefited her, including the dress, massage, hair, nails, ad photographs, but that doesn't seem to matter) and she just dropped the ball. When you see how complete and perfect is her inability to do even the smallest thing on time, you should feel a little better.

I realize you are stuck with a host of ugly feelings, but one thing you don't mention is your husband's response to all of this. Did his sister's flakiness surprise him or is this sort of thing par for the course with her? Rather than going to him and telling him what a jerk she is, a better approach might be to ask your husband what he thought of her antics. You can explain that you were disappointed, as was your family and say that you're just wondering if something was going on.

Remember, even if she is impossible, she is a fact of life, so while you don't have to force yourself to love her, you will be happier if you find a way to comfortably ignore her. She might not be evil. She might even really like and care for you but can't handle responsibilities. At any rate, if she's impossible, deal with her as little as possible and don't count on her for anything anymore. Take a cue from her own behavior: anything beyond the minimum is too much work.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:50 PM    <link>

BRUNCH WEAR

Dear Elise,

What is the proper attire for a birthday brunch for an older woman?

Getting Dressed


Dear GD

You don't specify the formality of the invitation, so it is hard to say exactly what you should wear. You would certainly be safe wearing a suit or daytime dress (not a cocktail dress), nice skirt or slacks and a jacket or sweater. Any color choice is fine, but anything that smacks of eveningwear should stay home (sequins, feathers, anything cut too low or too high).

You know your friends and the venue best, so take those factors into consideration and then select something becoming and dignified that makes you feel elegant.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:30 PM    <link>

CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT

Dear Elise,

When I was in elementary school I was friends with a girl. We grew apart and didn't speak for almost ten years but now we keep up to date with each other by email. She is a compulsive liar and that is the main reason I have distanced myself from her. I know she needs help but there is no way to convince her. She doesn't have a boyfriend but numerous times she has casually mentioned that whenever she gets married she wants/expects me to be her maid of honor.

I want nothing to do with being in her wedding. It would mean devoting a lot of time, money and effort to someone I don't feel close to. Also, in the past when I even get slightly close to her or give her one tidbit of information about myself (or a friend) it comes back to haunt me. Should I tell her now that I don't want to be her maid of honor even though there is no wedding in the works, or should I just wait and see if she ever gets engaged and actually asks? Since she does mention it casually I feel like I am leading her on if I don't tell her I don't want to be in her wedding. What do you think?

Not Doing It

Dear Not Doing,

Do you have a reason for stirring the pot now? I understand that your friend grates on your nerves and her chatter about her wedding makes you nervous, but really, she isn't engaged yet. She isn't even involved with someone to whom she could possibly be engaged. What would you stand to gain from telling her that you don't want to be the maid of honor at a hypothetical wedding? All you would do is hurt her feelings and damage the friendship.

If you can't stand feeling like a hypocrite, nodding and smiling as she paints her dream wedding with you at her side, you could offer a gentle out, along the lines of: "That's so nice of you, but you know anything can happen and I wouldn't want you to feel obliged to cling to these plans when the time arrives." If she's tetchy, she may even bridle (no pun intended) at that comment, but that's about as far as you have to go.

Of course, you might not want to maintain this friendship any more anyway, in which case you have a different problem to deal with: do you want to cut off your acquaintance with her now or not? Really, this wedding party role is the expression of the deeper problem, which is that you are conflicted about this relationship. You don't need to resign from a job that you don't have, that hasn't started and may never happen. But you may need to resign from the friendship.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:19 PM    <link>

GREETING CARD QUESTION

Dear Elise,

My husband and I got married last summer with a traditional ceremony. Our thank you notes were written and sent a long time ago and we did not send any photos. Now, with the holidays approaching we are planning on sending out holiday cards to our friends. Most of our friends and family attended the wedding and everyone we knew was given an invitation.

Is it tacky to send out holiday cards out with one of our wedding photos on it?

Thank you,

Curious

Dear Curious

Your plan isn't offensive or particularly strange. Think of how often one gets holiday cards that feature pictures that were clearly taken on summer vacations or at some other random, but picturesque moment from the past year. Your wedding was an important occasion that certainly bears celebrating, so you're in the clear.

There is no rule that one must have a holiday-themed image on one's holiday cards, and your photograph would not imply that you are gloating in any way. If anyone asks you why you felt obliged to include a wedding photo on your holiday card, you can just say that getting married was the biggest thing that you did this year and you wanted to have a card that shares your happiness with everyone.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:14 PM    <link>

REHEARSAL DINNER WORDING

Dear Elise,

My fiance's parents have graciously offered to host a rehearsal dinner the night before our wedding. My future mother-in-law just informed us that she was ordering formal invitations for this event, and sent out a preview of the wording. It reads: "Groom's Stepfather and Groom's Mother with Groom's Father and Stepmother request the honour of your presence at a dinner celebrating the wedding of Groom's Name and Bride's Name, Date, Time, Location, RSVP by this date."

My initial reactions are: 1. this sounds perhaps too similar to the actual wedding invitation, and 2. it seems unnecessary to send out a formally-worded invitation to rehearsal dinner. My fiance's mother explained that she didn't want to use the term "rehearsal dinner" because we wouldn't actually be holding our rehearsal at that time and place, but I'm afraid this is confusing and a bit over the top. I was under the impression that requesting the "honour of your presence" implied something like a formal church wedding, not a relaxed rehearsal dinner with the family. I'm not terribly familiar with wedding protocol, much less rehearsal dinner etiquette, please help!
Thank you,

Addled

Dear Addled,

Your future mother-in-law has a lot of ideas, some of which I don't quite understand.

There is nothing wrong with having formal invitations to a rehearsal dinner, though it is probably more common for people to use write-in invitation cards. It is also, by the way, completely all right to issue invitations over the phone or with brief hand-written notes.

Her objections to calling the event a "rehearsal dinner," in spite of that being what it is, in fact, are odd. There is nothing wrong or even confusing about throwing a rehearsal dinner at a different venue and time from the rehearsal (in fact, it is practically a given that this will be the case). There is also nothing wrong with having a rehearsal dinner and no rehearsal at all.

And regardless of her reluctance to call her party a rehearsal dinner, she has chosen some peculiar language. You're right in spotting that "the honour/honor" of your presence" is wording reserved for invitations to the wedding ceremony.

For receptions or other parties, the tone is a little more celebratory: "the pleasure of your company" is requested. You might suggest that she modify the wording in that way, so that the wedding invitation gets the most serious treatment and all receptions and dinner parties get the livelier language. While you are at it, you mention that a rehearsal dinner can exist completely independent of a wedding rehearsal. No one who is in his or her right mind would call you on it. This is not something to get overly hung up on if your future mother-in-law has dug in her heels, but in fact, she should be seeking the pleasure of her guests' company.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:34 AM    <link>

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Today marks the fourth year of the IndieEtiquette column and I want to thank everyone who reads it and who writes in to me with queries and problems.

I also want to mention that in a few short months, February 2008, a book I have written inspired by my work here will hit the real and virtual shelves. It is called Something New: Wedding Etiquette for Rule Breakers, Traditionalists, and Everyone In Between.

More on the book as its release draws near and if events are happening, I'll let you know.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:44 AM    <link>

BRIDESMAID OBLIGATIONS? WHAT DO I DO?

Dear Elise,

My stepsister is getting married in the spring of 2008 and I am a bridesmaid in her wedding. I am excited for her, but a little overwhelmed because she is having a large, expensive wedding and she is naturally a pretty self-centered, high-maintenance person, and the wedding planning process seems to have kicked it into overdrive. I also live 400 miles away from where everything will take place.

Some ladies in her fiance's family would like to throw her a bridal shower in January on the weekend I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I don't really want to travel to attend the bridal shower and my life is really hectic right now and cannot plan the exact date of my birthday party months in advance. My stepsister is pushing me to pick a certain weekend for my other event so that I can come to the bridal shower.

I haven't been asked to organize or help with the wedding, shower or bachelorette party (so I am not backing out of something I committed to). All of the other bridesmaids including the maid of honor live close to my stepsister. How much am I expected to do? Is it acceptable to offer to contribute somehow to events without committing to attend all of them? Should I have thought about all this before agreeing to being in her wedding? How can I gently tell my stepsister that I am excited for her wedding, but am on a limited budget and have limited vacation time and may not be able to travel to attend all the pre-wedding events?

Basically, I have to allow myself the freedom to play by ear. I have a ton of competing responsibilities right now. My stepsister has visited me once in the 10 years I have lived outside the area. Whenever I see her, it is because I have traveled 400+ miles to be there. And my mother will be undergoing major surgery right before this bridal shower and I don't feel comfortable making plans to be out of town.

I am scared that this is the first of many sticky situations like these and I want to be straightforward and honest with her. I recently got engaged and I haven't even had time to think about my own wedding!

Help!

In Too Deep?

Dear ITD,

You may not be in the mood to commit to anything but as a bridesmaid for your stepsister, you should make an effort to figure out the minimum that you can do, and let her know. If that means attending her bachelorette party but not her shower, that is fine. If that means attending neither party but sending a present to the shower and offering to help offset the costs of the bachelorette party, that is fine too.

There is no strict protocol for what bridesmaids must and must not do for brides, which is perhaps part of the reason why brides so often feel abandoned and bridesmaids feel taken advantage of. This problem could be remedied by all the interested parties speaking up early in the process and explaining their expectations and their limits. Even now you can tell your stepsister that you're really happy for her but too overwhelmed to travel extensively before the wedding.

Having said that, everyone has hectic lives and insane schedules, and the only way to get anything done at all is to plan a few things. You should pick what you can do and stick to it. It seems as if the January bridal shower won't work for you, especially because your mother will probably need you. But really, it is up to you to offer to do what you can and not flake out and then stick to your self-imposed limits so you can't feel exploited. It doesn't sound as if anyone has required anything much of you yet, so this is a perfect time to speak up and say that you're thrilled about the wedding but you need to make sure that even with your crazy life you can participate and celebrate with your stepsister. You are in a great position right now, don't get caught up in random resentments when the opportunity to make everything pretty bearable is in your hands.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:54 AM    <link>

FEAR OF THE SAVE-THE-DATE

Hi Elise--

An undercurrent of unrest has entered my household as my fiance and I start solidifying our nuptial plans. The majority of our guests will be out-of-towners, and we want those traveling to be given ample notice (to make plans and save up money). However, I have not seen or spoken to some of the people we have decided to invite them in quite some time, and a save-the-date card feels very awkward since they aren't even aware that I've become engaged. My future husband, on the other hand, thinks my sensitivity to this is ridiculous.

Is it terribly necessary to send out a save-the-date card? It's a new tradition, and I am uncomfortable with it. I would prefer to send the invitation out early: six months in advance, and then send a reminder later on, closer to the wedding date. Is this horribly out-of-step?

Thank you for your help.

Sincerely,

Pro Early Invite

Dear Early Invite,

I can see that your mind is unquiet on this point. It is not necessary to send out save-the-date cards, but you actually want to send them out. Why fight it? It is much more peculiar to send out an invitation so far in advance (invitations are usually mailed around six to eight weeks before a wedding) followed by a "reminder." If you are at all inclined to cling to tradition (and since you've gleaned that save-the-date cards are a relatively recent development, I suspect that you are), you would be much better off observing the standard stationery and mailing protocols (save-the-date first, then invitation).

Save-the-date notices are utterly standard for weddings that, like yours, will require travel by all or most of the guests, so they are really a courtesy. The true formality comes in when people have to let you know about their attendance. You need the concrete information much later, in the context of your real invitations when you really need to know what your prospective guests are planning. Your proposal reverses the significance of these two communications. The save-the-date mailing should be more casual than the invitation, and as a result it should be sent first.

I wouldn't go as far as your fiance and call you silly but I would say that your discomfort is actually making you start to think in eccentric ways. The wonderful thing about standard protocol is that everyone understands it. Once you start letting your nerves take charge, you start doing things that confuse people.

Spare yourself further anxiety. Send out a save-the-date card, even the people you don't know well will know what it means, or skip it altogether, and wait to send your invitation until your nuptials approach.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:39 AM    <link>

SEND A NOTE?

Dear Elise,

I was invited by a close friend to her baby's baptism. Her new step-mother-in-law held the reception for about 30 guests. It was held at my friend's father's house. The reception included buffet table, full bar, and cake, and was catered by our hosts' full time kitchen staff. The hostess also provided all the guests with specially ordered chocolates.

Should I send a thank you note to the hostess of the reception? I did take a gift for the baby, but since I don't know the extended family very well and had never met the hostess, I don't know what is considered appropriate. I really would appreciate any insight you may have.

Happy Guest

Dear HG,

Sure! It is never inappropriate to send a thank you note, and it sounds as if your hosts were really extremely gracious. They would, no doubt, be thrilled to hear that you enjoyed yourself and appreciated their party.

It is quite hard to be insulting with thanks, so you can't go wrong.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:24 AM    <link>

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