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Thursday, December 27, 2007

TOO MANY POTENTIAL BRIDESMAIDS

Dear Elise,

I have five very close longtime girl friends. I've asked two of them privately to be my bridesmaids, but I don't want to make the other three feel left out. I want to honor their longtime friendship without ending up with an overly large wedding party/receiving line. What can I do to involve my remaining three friends and make it clear that they're not any less important to me?

Also, my fiance's younger sister, who is around my age, not-so-secretly wishes to have a prominent role in the wedding. I don't really feel close enough to her to make her a bridesmaid, but would like to find a place for her that a) makes her feel valued and yet b) doesn't infringe on my bridesmaid choices. Do you have any thoughts on roles for the sister of the groom?

Thanks,
Happy Bride, Concerned Girlfriend

Dear HB/CG,

Well, yours is the central problem with having a wedding party. You don't want to give the impression that three of your five friends are less important that the other two, but they sort of are, aren't they, if you can easily select two to be your bridesmaids?

The standard choices for alternative honors in wedding ceremonies are to have friends or relatives give readings or sing if their interests and talents permit. That allows for them to participate in the ceremony and not actually be part of your wedding party.

The issue though, is less one of having jobs on hand and more one of appearances. There are many people who would be perfectly happy not to have the additional obligations of being bridesmaids who would STILL be a bit hurt if they weren't invited to be in the wedding party along with other good friends. It isn't a question of the job so much as it is that you are making a statement to them about your friendship. Maybe it is one you want to make and maybe it is one they expect to hear (I couldn't say), but offering them some sort of alternative honor job is not going to fool them into thinking all things are equal. (This doesn't mean that you shouldn't give them an opportunity to do a reading, but it does mean that you should be aware of potential sensitivities.) Keep in mind that bridesmaids do not have to take part in a receiving line, so if that is your central hang up, you can always opt for a pared-down receiving line (or none at all, of course).

So, if wedding party size is getting you down, know that there is nothing horrible about having five bridesmaids, and maybe having a larger group would suit you better, given your circumstances. Having a lot of friends is an excellent position to be in and there's nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate all of those friendships.

As for you fiance's sister, it would be a courtesy to include her in your wedding party but it is not necessary. She is also a good (perhaps even better) candidate to do a reading. What you do not want to do is give this woman a job that no one wants (the best example of this is Guest Book Attendant- that one is a total drag). Of course, if you really don't want her in your wedding party and your fiance feels incredibly strongly that she be in the wedding, you could always suggest that she stand up with him and his groomsmen. It is very sweet to see siblings standing up for each other.

Think about the bigger more lasting results of your choices and consider your options carefully. If you have to sacrifice some aspect of your aesthetic preferences for the sake of relationships, it is a pretty easy decision to make.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:43 AM    <link>

NO HARM IN INVITING

Dear Elise,

I am unsure about whether to invite my father's siblings to my wedding. My dad and his siblings and their families have drifted apart over the years. There is no family conflict or tension, and they don’t live very far apart. It really seems that they just drifted apart.

Part of my indecision lies in the fact that when my brother got married last year, he and his wife invited my dad's siblings (but not any of the cousins) but none of them accepted the invitation. A few of them did send a gift though.

I think it would mean a lot to my dad if we tried to invite his siblings to our wedding. However, since they declined to attend my brother's wedding last year, there isn's any reason why any of them would choose differently for mine. I would love it if they would come, and so would my dad! I just find it very unlikely though, and I would hate to come off as "gift-greedy".

(My mother's family is, by contrast, very close and they see each other often. They will all be invited to the wedding.)

Should I invite my dad's siblings and risk being thought of as "gift grabbing"? Or should I take the hint from the declines to my brother's wedding and not invite them this time around?

Thanks,
Trying to be Conscientious

Dear Trying,

There is nothing preventing you from inviting these detached relatives. Really, you only stand to gain from the gesture, since it would make your father happy.

An invitation is a compliment, a nice gesture, suggesting that you want to see someone or have him or her share in a highly significant occasion. Anyone who thinks you are inviting people in order to get a present or two, either has a shabby sense of his or her self-worth or is a complete jerk, not to put too fine a point on it.

You do understand, I hope, that an invitation to a wedding is not a demand for a present. One does not have to give anything to a couple if one doesn't attend a wedding (and even if one does, there presents are less mandatory than strongly suggested). So even if you do invite these people, and they send their regrets there is no reason why they should feel at all obliged to give you something or assume anything mercenary about you.

In point of fact, arguments, very strong ones from classical etiquette traditions, could be made that you absolutely should invite these folks because you are inviting the corresponding people on your mother's side of the family.

So, why not invite these people if they are harmless and your concerns consist only of wondering what they may or may not be able to think? It is a nice thing to do. If anyone dares say something snarky, you can always say: "I'm sorry you feel that way. What makes you think I wanted anything from you other than being able to share your company with the rest of my family at my wedding?" Give them the benefit of the doubt and send your invitations with the thought that they'll be pleased you thought of them.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:21 PM    <link>

HOW TO DEAL WITH SHOWER FOOD

Hello Elise,

I'm a first time Maid of Honor. I love the bride very, very much and am thrilled to stand up for her at her wedding. I was wondering what the protocol was about showers.

She wants a brunch type shower. I think she would be cool with me hosting it at my home. Would it be inappropriate to ask those attending to bring a dish? Or if its too large to have at our place, and we end up at a restaurant, is it ok to ask attendees to pay for themselves and I pick up the bride's tab?

What's gauche?

Thanks!

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Shower hosting protocol is tricky, and the main thing to keep in mind in all of this is that showers are very unusual parties.

As a general matter, it is poor form to host a shower where guests are obliged to pay their own way. While this is a principle that can be applied to parties generally, it is especially the case with showers where guests have an implicit mandate to bring presents. (It just seems ungracious to make guests give presents and pay for their meals.)

Traditionally, showers are planned and hosted collectively by the maid of honor and bridesmaids, which means that the burden of planning and spending isn't all on one person. Of course, you might be the only member of your friend's wedding party, but there are still options.

You don't need to throw this party at a mealtime. In fact, showers tend to be sort of snacky affairs anyway. If you have the shower at a non-meal time and offer up a bunch of easy, inexpensive treats. Keeping things simple will really help you.

As far as potluck goes, your treading close to the problem of making people pay for their meals, but if this is a crowd that really won't care or will even jump at the chance to get cooking, you can consider it. Be careful, though, to be sure that you are really sure that your guests wouldn't feel put out.

The key to keep in mind is that you don't want to create obligations for your guests. The invitation should require only that the guest show up (presumably with a present for the bride, unless you are managing to have a shower without presents). This may mean scaling back expectations and fantasies to meet financial and practical realities, but it is preferable to having guests who feel even mildly put-upon.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:13 AM    <link>

DECIDING NOT TO GO

Dear Elise,

A friend announced that she is getting married in early March. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding a couple of years ago and has been a good friend of mine since college though we have had some ups and downs. Since then I have moved abroad and we have lost touch a bit. I often find myself calling and emailing her without a response for several weeks. I sometimes feel that my efforts to maintain our relationship with aren't reciprocated, mostly because of the distance between us.

I've begun to look at booking the trip for her wedding, and I realized that we would have to spend over $2000 just to attend her wedding. (We couldn't turn the trip into a vacation because my husband and I will both be very busy at work at that time and it will be difficult to even miss one day.)

I am thinking about not going to her wedding, but I so scared that she will hate me forever and it will be the end of our relationship. Is there any way that I can prevent this from happening? Is there anything that I can do or say to show her that I would love to be there but just don't think it makes any sense? When I think about my other friends' wedding and that I barely was able to speak to them for 10 minutes, I really wonder if my sacrifice (time and a lot of money!) is worth the trip. At the same time, I love this girl and would not this to ruin our friendship forever.

Desperate for Help

Dear Desperate,

You feel up against it, I know. I understand the exact quality of guilt you feel about your choices.

There is no question that weddings are important and significant occasions, and there is no question that, ideally, one would be surrounded by the people one loves. But there is also no question that friendships exist and thrive well beyond the hours or few days that comprise wedding activities. If one gauges the quality of one's friendships based on whether or not people were able to attend one's wedding, one is applying a hard and unforgiving measure to the relationship.

Look at your circumstances and decide what you can do. If you can't afford to attend your friend's wedding, it is perfectly fair to tell her as much. Be direct and remorseful and talk to your friend about this soon. The more open you are, regardless of discomfort, the better. After that, it will be up to you to keep up with her and express interest in her wedding. Offer to help her in any way you can and just be a supportive, caring friend.

In your experience, were there people who were unable to attend your wedding? Do you still like them? It happens all the time, given how far apart people live and how complicated travel can be.

Make up your mind and talk to your friend. If she is hurt, you can work to make amends, but know that it is not a violation of your friendship if you can't attend. What you need to do is take care of your larger relationship.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:23 AM    <link>

THE "HEAVY APPETIZER" / "LIGHT MEAL" RECEPTION QUESTION

Dear Elise,

We are getting married in the spring, at 6:30 p.m. The reception is immediately to follow, with "dancing and light fare," as stated on the invitation.

This "light fare" will be a wide variety of appetizers, prepared by a good friend. I want to make sure there is food in abundance because most of the catered appetizer-only events I have attended have been a little short on food. We are also serving a lovely, inexpensive sparkling wine, and having dessert and coffee.

I am budgeting carefully (because I don't want to go into debt or spend endless money on one day) but money isn't a huge object, we are both comfortable. We are planning a lovely honeymoon in Europe, which will be expensive, but travel is something we both love, and we are both really excited about it.

One of my in-laws recently derailed my satisfaction about the wedding by responding to our honeymoon plans with: "Oh, so that's why we're not getting a meal? So that you can go away THERE for two weeks?" This is not the first time the lack of a sit-down dinner was "casually" mentioned, but it was the first time I was really upset by it.

Are we doing anything wrong by having a ceremony at 6:30, reception immediately following, and no sit-down dinner? (I thought, that since it is plainly indicated on the invitations that there won't be a sit-down meal, a 6:30 ceremony was late enough that people could already have eaten something, and not be starving when they arrive.) Is it wrong to plan an inexpensive wedding and a less-than-budget honeymoon? Does it then look like a gift-grab? That really isn't my intention.

- Suddenly Concerned.

Dear SC

You are being bullied a bit. That is not uncommon. People love to push other people around when it comes to weddings. Your future in-law is, in fact, being exceptionally rude. It would be best if you just overlooked those casual remarks, but if you are called upon to respond, you can always say that it is great that there is room in the world for all kinds of receptions for all sorts of tastes.

So with that understood, you should know that your plan is reasonably reasonable. You are a little misguided, however, in thinking that people will eat before your wedding ceremony. 6:30 is dinnertime for many people, so they will be expecting to eat, and you would do well to take that fact into account as you plan your menu. Make absolutely sure that there will be enough food and warn people that they should adjust their expectations away from the multi-course meal assumptions. As long as your guests don't go hungry you are on good solid ground.

Frankly, it is none of your guests' business how much money you spend on your wedding reception or honeymoon or dress or house payments or dog grooming or anything else. It would be one thing if you really had no intention of feeding anyone anything but gruel, but the option to serve food that you like and can afford, even if it is non-traditional (whatever that really means) is legitimate.

Your guests won't be surprised. You are doing something gracious and within your means. No one is losing here. Even your future in-laws are in good shape because they have found something to complain about. The fact that it makes them look petty is a little bonus for you.

Having said that, you do have it in your best interests to get along with your future in-laws after your wedding, so you could invest a little more in your reception. An easy thing to do would be to come up with a few additional "heavy" appetizer options and ask them if they would like to pick one to include on your menu. That way, they will have had a little input and can feel a little less nervous about the proceedings. If you can afford to add another item or two, it might go a long way towards easing everyone's feelings.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:14 AM    <link>

SHOULD I ISSUE A RETRACTION?

Dear Elise,

My fiance is German and I am American, and we are getting married in Germany. We live in Germany, but are moving to the United States soon. Many of our guests are German, but there are also about 20 coming from America as well.

Until recently, I haven't known much about American wedding etiquette. German etiquette as I've experienced it is rather different from American etiquette. The Germans are much more direct about some things that Americans avoid discussing (gifts, for example), and this is the style to which I've become accustomed. I've been to several German weddings this year where gift requests for cash were made very obviously, sometimes on the invitations. So, I was oblivious when I sent my invites and we made quite a faux pas. We included a separate slip of paper containing a poem, saying that if the guests are thinking of giving a present, we'd much prefer money since we don't know if we will be able to take our possessions with us when we move to America.

We don't expect presents. We only thought that this sort of thing was normal to do. We especially do not want those traveling from America to feel that on top of paying for their plane tickets, hotel rooms, and other travel costs that they should shell out even more to finance our future.

Do you have any suggestions on how we can communicate this with our guests? Or would it be better to just let the subject go? No one has acted offended yet, but this could just be out of politeness.

Cringing

Dear Cringing,

In this case, you'd be best off just letting things lie. There is no point in apologizing or issuing a correction or something like that. You didn't do anything criminal. Of course, if pressed, you can say you got caught up in the German way of handling these things and didn't realize this would be received poorly elsewhere, but really, no one should confront you.

If people are inclined to be miffed, and there may be some, the ones who have the best manners will overlook this misstep. Indeed, it is not the best form to ask for money on one's wedding invitation because it looks mercenary and can appear greedy, but the biggest sticklers for etiquette won't mention it to you. They know that it is bad form to point out lapses in comportment. . . or they should anyway.

It is interesting to see how etiquette varies from culture to culture, but as a general matter, it is always easier to be safe and not make requests beyond the obvious (pleasure or honor of someone's presence) in an invitation. If people are curious and want to know what you would like, they won't hesitate to ask you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:24 PM    <link>

NOW WE'RE ELOPING

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I sent out a save-the-date notice, since most of our friends and family would have to travel for the wedding. My fianc has since learned that none of his friends will be attending the wedding and he now wants to elope. What do I say to the people to whom I sent save-the-date cards?

Thank You,

Changed Plans

Dear Changed,

If you have decided definitively to elope, all you have to do is contact every single prospective guest who received a save-the-date notice and explain that the wedding plans have changed and that you have decided to elope instead of having the big event.

In some cases where time is not an issue, people print up cards that make note of the change in plans, but it might be better in your case to telephone your prospective guests. The last thing you want is anyone else blissfully shelling out for transportation he or she won't need.

You don't need to explain things or make anyone feel bad for not traveling. Just say that you decided you wanted to get married in a quick, intimate ceremony and that you can have small celebrations after the fact.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:13 PM    <link>

GRACE BULLY

Dear Elise,

A friend of mine told me that her brother has recently become extremely religious and now he makes everyone uncomfortable because he insists that grace be said at his parent's home.

How does a person tell him that saying grace at his home is okay, but not should not insist that it be done in other's homes?

Curious

Dear Curious

The conversions of others can be extremely annoying for hapless bystanders. There's nothing wrong with people making radical changes in their lives for the sake of self-improvement or comfort or health or some other interest. The difficulty comes when they demand that everyone else hop on the train with them.

So, your friend's sibling now says grace before meals. That's fair enough. Your friend and the rest of the family can respect his decision without feeling intimidated by it. The fact that they don't say grace or say a different sort of prayer shouldn't make them defensive and it shouldn't make your friend's brother a bully.

There is nothing preventing your friend and her family from saying to her brother: "We're so happy that you're happy and feel free to practice your religion as you like, but we don't feel the need to say grace ourselves." That is it. No one has to rain on anyone else's beliefs and no one has to feel bullied.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:13 AM    <link>

THANK YOU NOTE MYSTERIES

Dear Elise,

It is my understanding that gifts opened in front of the giver don't require a thank you note. Why then are thank you notes required for wedding and baby showers, when gift givers have watched the honoree open their gift?

I'm also curious about the new tradition of sending thank you notes to people who attended your wedding, but didn't give a gift. I understand that many people go to great expense, both in time off and travel costs, to attend weddings. It's only gracious to thank those people for making the effort. But if I host a dinner party, I'm not expected to thank the people who attend. Isn't attending a wedding similar? In that case, guests should send the bride and groom a thank you note for inviting them. I'm not actually suggesting that, just curious why people feel compelled to thank those who attended the wedding but didn't give a gift. It seems that doing so mostly serves to guilt the attendee for not giving a gift.

Confused About Etiquette

Dear Confused,

You aren't mistaken. The thank you note protocol you cite is a bit confusing, in part because showers and thank you notes have taken strange, divergent evolutionary paths. There is so much variation when it comes to wedding and baby showers (some are local, others long distance, often presents aren't opened at the party, etc.) that the old rule of not having to write thank you notes to the people who were present for the gift's unveiling has come a bit undone.

There is never anything wrong with sending a thank you note for a present and there is certainly nothing wrong with going that extra mile to indicate how much a gift is appreciated, even if it isn't "required" according to the ancient protocols of comportment. This is especially true if you imagine the present-giver may expect a thank you note. If you think a remote aunt is the type to expect a note even if she sat there while you unwrapped your coasters, you should send one. It's a simple courtesy and doesn't take that long. With thank you notes, one always stands to gain if one errs on the side of caution.

As for your second question, people are not required to thank their guests for attending their weddings. Having said that, there are circumstances where people feel extremely grateful that their friends and family members were able to be there. This often happens often with destination weddings, or when almost everyone was forced to do something unusual or unusually time consuming. In this case, the wedding couple doesn't expect anything but understands that people had to spend a lot of money and take a lot of time to be present for the wedding and feels that those gestures deserve thanks.

While it is possible that some "thank you for coming" notes can be viewed in the cynical light you suggest, it isn't worth thinking about them in those terms. They are nice gestures, if unnecessary ones, and you don't need to feel that the knife is being twisted, even if it is. Take the note at face value or, if you do feel really guilty, send a present or a note of your own in return.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:34 PM    <link>

ENSURING THE NO KIDS INVITE

Dear Elise,

What is the appropriate way to convey to guests that their children are not invited to the ceremony and reception? I fear that there might be confusion if the only indicator is the absence of "and family" or the children's names on the invitation. Would it be rude to call or email those with children to express this decision? I don't want anyone to have hurt feelings, I would just much rather not have kids there and I'm not sure how to make my wishes known.

Thanks for your help,

No Kids, Please


Dear NK,P,

You are correct that the standard way to indicate that the presence of children is not requested at a wedding invitation is not to name them or include them in some other way in the address on the outer or inner envelopes.

If you suspect that your guests will not understand your intents, you can include a handwritten note or call your friends and let them know that you won't be able to accommodate their children at the wedding but would love to see them on some other occasion. Do not explain yourself or go into details.

It is always delicate so be careful and sensitive with your phrasing, but this would be the way to be safe if you are worried.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:10 AM    <link>

EXTRA GUESTS AND HARSH RECRIMINATIONS

Dear Elise,

I had a surprise party for my husband's birthday and one of my friends invited her niece (who is 25 years younger than we are) and one of her friends (someone she knows we do not enjoy to be around).

I told her I'm was not happy about her inviting more people but I did not want to hurt her feelings, so I finally verbally extended the invitation to avoid conflict.
The day after the party, my friend called and criticized me for some of the people on the guest list, asking when I became good friends with them. I'm really upset and on the verge of ending the friendship. This party cost me about $6,000.

Any advice?

Angry Hostess

Dear AH,

Well, both you and your friend have generated some unpleasantness around this party and it doesn't matter if you spent six, six thousand or sixty thousand dollars on it.

Your friend was being pushy and was wrong to invite people who weren't on your guest list without consulting you. That is something no guest should do.

You, on the other hand, also strayed from the light. If you didn't want to see these extra guests, you were in a perfect position to say: "I’m sorry, but I really can't accommodate anyone else." No further explanations would have been necessary. Instead, you delivered a classic mixed message. You scolded her (telling her you weren't happy about what she did) but let her have her extra guests anyway.

When you are in a situation like this one, you have to decide what you want to do (have the extra people or not) and then make peace with your choice. This means being gracious about accepting the extra people without reminding your friend of her lapse in judgment or gracious about letter her know that you can't accommodate her extra people. You shouldn't do both.

Now, of course your friend was being unpleasant when she decided to take issue with your guest list (and she may have been inspired to do so because you chided her), but there is nothing for you to feel defensive about. Why didn't you ask her why she cared how long you knew the other people?

If you want to end the friendship, it is of course your prerogative to do so, but don't let etiquette be your pretext. You are angry not because your friend stumbled in polite protocol. You are hurt for other reasons, so if you have a word with her, tell her what is really going on.

Cheers and many happy returns to your husband.

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:05 PM    <link>

THE THANK YOU FEEDBACK LOOP

Dear Elise,

I am worried that I may have made a terrible etiquette blunder. I wrote thank you notes for every gift we received and sent them off right away. However, we also received many cards wishing us good luck and congratulating us on our wedding. If I saw the card sender, I would acknowledge that I received the card and thank them for sending it, but I didn't send anything to the people who sent a card. Does a best wishes card require a thank you note? I've been married for several months now. What can I do to make this situation right?

Worried Wife

Dear WW,

You are safe, really. This is an optional situation (assuming the cards in question didn't contain monetary presents in addition to best wishes, in which case a than you would be mandatory). You don't want to get into an eternal thank you loop where you and your friends could go back and forth over and over thanking each other for the thank yous forever.

If you sense that a card sender is the sort of person who could really use a formal acknowledgement, or if a question was asked in the congratulatory note that you want to answer or something of the sort, then you should feel free to send off a thank you missive, but really, you are in fine shape.

In short, you can let these cards be, but if you are feeling really tormented, it wouldn't be weird to respond.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:12 AM    <link>

FEEDING AND PRINCIPLES

Dear Elise,

I'm a vegetarian and my fiance is not, but he has graciously agreed for us to have a vegetarian reception. It's very important to me not to have meat at the wedding, but there is a part of me that wonders whether or not it's appropriate. I don't preach to meat-eaters, in fact I hate pushing my dietary views on other people, but since this is my wedding, and I'm responsible for providing the food, and as I consider eating meat both unethical and bad for the environment, I feel that serving a non-vegetarian meal would compromise my ethics, which I don't want to do on such an important day. However, there is only one vegetarian guest and my fiance's family is strictly meat-and-potatoes. They really don't enjoy the foods that I couldn't live without.

Is it unfair for me to host a vegetarian wedding when there will actually be only two vegetarians in attendance? Secondly, if we do go veggie, does that mean that I should give my fiance and his family free reign with choosing the vegetarian menu, even if they choose foods I don't like, or should I still play a part in the decision-making process?

The last thing I want is for anyone to think I'm a demanding bride or a preachy vegetarian, but I also want to feel that I stayed true to myself on my wedding day.

Veggie Bride

Dear Veggie Bride,

The whole question about what to serve at weddings is fascinating. People have strange expectations about wedding food and often forget they are not going to a restaurant where they'll be able to order all of their favorite taste sensations.

But still, you are right to be a bit concerned about what you serve people and how to negotiate your ethics and principals while being gracious. You don't say who is hosting your wedding. Are you paying for everything? If that is the case, you have somewhat less to worry about because it is one thing to set the menu if you are footing the bill but it is entirely different if you are telling the people who are paying for everything that they can't do what they feel is gracious.

You also don't say whether you won't consider fish or poultry, which are obvious points of compromise. Since you don't mention them, I will assume you want a wedding reception at which meat, poultry and fish are completely off the menu.

One of the peoples confirmed carnivores have with the vegetarian sensibility is that they feel that vegetarian food is "weird" (tofu is often the item that gets trotted out as being too bizarre for words). You may want to look into serving things that are naturally vegetarian. If you use a caterer that specializes in Italian food, for instance, you could serve lots of pastas and risottos that would be completely non-freaky.

In order to be gracious about your decision to serve vegetarian food while not preaching the virtues of the meat-free life you should really take care to figure out food options that really would please everyone. Work with your fiance and his parents and really try to monitor their feelings and your own. Encourage them to make at least a few independent choices about what is served. As you move along, if you feel great resistance or resentment, try to imagine ways you can compromise.

You aren't acting badly by wanting to have things a certain way, but you should try to be flexible, research and suggest a lot of options and show that you are taking everyone's interests into consideration. Your fiance and his parents will appreciate your attention and interest.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:49 PM    <link>

HOLIDAY PARTY OBLIGATIONS

Hi Elise,
My boss’s boss is throwing a holiday party. My boss and his wife RSVP’d in the affirmative, but now my boss's wife can’t make it. Can you suggest a polite/ professional/ graceful way to cancel in such a setting?

What to Do?

Dear WTD,

Well, your boss should be graceful and timely in informing his employer about this change of plans. A phone call would do the trick or a handwritten note. (Given that this is a party and not really a work event, the note would best be sent to the employer's home as opposed to the office so that the communication doesn't get lost in the usual work shuffle.) Does the fact that your boss's wife can't attend mean that he can't either? Since this is, in effect, a work party, your boss may want to consider attending the party on his own. It would be a politic gesture for him to put in an appearance.

In and of itself, it is not rude for your boss's wife to discover that she can't attend a holiday party. The central obligation is just to let the party hosts know that she won't be able to attend and sends her regrets.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 2:20 PM    <link>

LIMITED WEDDING PARTY OR NONE AT ALL?

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I have decided to have a simple wedding, and not to have a wedding party with bridesmaids and groomsmen. So far our friends are accepting of our plans and are happy to attend the wedding and celebrate with us, but some of family members feel left out. Between us we have one niece and one nephew, and it has been made clear to us that they want to be flower girl and ring bearer.

I'm just not sure how I can do that and then not have my best friends as bridesmaids. Can you point me in the direction of ideas on how to include these two great children in the ceremony without the going the traditional route? We want them to be a part of the ceremony, but we'd also like to avoid the domino effect that would result in us being pressured to have a wedding that isn't really ours.

Thanks,
No Dominoes

Dear ND,

Well, first you must decide exactly what you want to do. Do you want to have no wedding party at all? You can do that. You can simply tell the parents of these children that you are not having anyone stand up with you at all and that it has nothing to do with your feelings about the children.

But perhaps you want to have these kids participate as flower girl and ring bearer. This is completely legitimate as well and an extremely sweet gesture. In this case, you don't have to feel odd or squirmy about the decision and you certainly don't have to worry about denying your friends nonexistent bridesmaid positions. You simply tell people you wanted to include these two children in your wedding ceremony but that you didn't want to choose a wedding party and have to deal with it. Adults (even nominal ones) will have to accept that children, particularly children of immediate family members, often get unusual, special treatment when it comes to weddings. In your case, they may comprise the entire wedding party. Anyone who gets annoyed at you for this is being foolish.

Really, once you have the children actually participating in the ceremony, even if you just have them walking you down the aisle holding your hands or bouncing up to the altar at key moments to hold your bouquet and hand your finace the ring, you haven't really strayed too far from having a flower girl and a ring bearer. They are children who are part of your ceremony. You can include them or not as you see fit. But really, your friends should not compare themselves to your niece and nephew when it comes to wedding party treatment. That decision has nothing to do with them. What you must do is be gracious and firm: You aren't choosing the children over your friends; you only want the children in your wedding and that is the beginning and end of it.

What you need to do is make some clear decisions and let people know what you want.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:20 PM    <link>

A HARD CHOICE, BUT A CLEAR ONE

Dear Elise,

When I was 10 years old, I became good friends with a girl in my elementary school, and we remained friends right up until we had both left for college, after which we did not see much of each other, but remained in contact via email.

When I was 21, I finally came to terms with the fact that I am gay. Because the friend in question did not respond well when a mutual friend of ours came out, I had a difficult time telling her. I was about to tell her in person, but before I could, she read a blog entry this mutual friend wrote congratulating me on my new girlfriend. She got angry and said that she could no longer be friends with me. When I tried to explain my hesitation, she said she felt that she should have been the first to know.

Now I am engaged. My childhood friend and I began to patch things up, so shortly after I got engaged, I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Her initial response was that she was honoured and would be happy to be in the wedding party.

Eight months later, she informed me she would not be in my wedding party because she did not support our marriage, but said she would attend the wedding. Stunned, I acknowledged her decision and we have not really spoken since. It has now been more than a year since we talked. My wedding is at a resort, and dinner is nearly $100 per person. I do not feel it makes sense to invest this much in having someone there who is not supportive of our relationship. However, I know if I do not invite this person, there will be no hope of a friendship, as I know she will see this as a personal sleight she is unwilling to forgive.

I know this is a rather non-traditional twist, but it's keeping me up at night, and every time we go over our guest list, I feel physically ill from the conflict I'm having with myself. What would you suggest?

Torn


Dear Torn,

You have the answer to your question in your mind already, I'm afraid. What really matters at this point is that you come to terms with your choice and that you present things gently and fairly. Your friend has been pretty awful about letting you know she doesn't support your wedding or relationship, and her behavior alone would have been enough to terminate some friendships.

So where does that leave you? What is stopping you from telling your friend that you are happy to maintain your friendship with her but that you only want to have people who support your union at your wedding? She was quite harsh with you and whether her behavior has been modified by true homophobia or politics or simple jealousy, you have reason to be hurt and even nervous about not wanting people critical of you at your wedding.

Could you tell her this? Could you say that in the months since you started planning your wedding, the event has become so small and intimate that you don't feel comfortable including people who don't approve of you and your girlfriend getting married? It may end your friendship, but perhaps you are ready to do that. I couldn't say.

The alternative is to invite your friend and see if she shows. Maybe she was so hostile because she was hoping you wouldn't invite her. This is taking a hundred-dollar gamble, of course, but it is also making a big statement about what you are willing to do to preserve your friendship.

You know what your choices cost. As a general matter it isn't gracious to un-invite people, but as a general matter it isn't polite to inform your friends that you fundamentally disapprove of their union. Be gentle but firm no matter what you decide and I'm sorry you're faced with this quandary. It must feel terribly unfair.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:04 AM    <link>

NO FAMILY

Dear Elise,

Is it improper not to invite your siblings, aunts, and or uncles, children if they are over 21, on their own, and married to your wedding?

Curious

Dear Curious,

It all depends. Are you eloping? If you elope, it is practically improper to invite anyone at all to your wedding.

Really, you haven't at all described the context of your situation. Are you inviting your future spouse's siblings, aunts and uncles? Whose children are over the age of twenty-one? Yours? Your partner's? Or do you mean you are considering not inviting the children of your siblings, aunts and uncles (in other words your nieces, nephews and cousins)?

In any case, the answer to your question is that if you invite the relatives on your future spouse's side of things to your wedding, you should invite the corresponding ones to your own. If you don't want anyone to come, then you can exclude the whole lot of them, and say you were keeping the wedding extremely intimate. It would be difficult in any event for you not to invite your own children, no matter how old they are, but I can't tell if that is what you were asking in your question.

Treat both sides equally and think about what it really means for you to have a wedding that excludes most close relatives. Would you feel all right about this at future holidays and family events? Would it be easier to include them or elope so that you don't have to invite anyone?

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:31 AM    <link>

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