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Thursday, January 31, 2008

NOT EVEN ON A SHOWER INVITATION

Dear Elise,

I am throwing a baby shower for a friend of mine pretty soon, but before I hand out invitations I wanted to make sure she receives all her gifts in cash because she almost has everything for the nursery and has just a few more things to complete it.

She has not registered to a store because the few things she does want are in several different stores. What would be the appropriate wording to let her close friends know that what she really wants is the money?

- Worried Friend

Dear Worried,

Sadly I am not in a position to help you with this language. It is impossible to ask for cash on an invitation, even if it is for a shower.

I do understand your friend's interests, but she will have to find some other way of making them manifest. There are many alternative registries, even online ones that she could try investigating, of course, or she could take the route that wedding couples often take, which is to not register for anything at all. Then you and she can explain to anyone who asks that she would prefer cash presents.

While this may seem a bit odd, since everyone knows to bring a present and just writing the cash request on the invitation seems like it would save some time. But frankly, it just feels demanding to include a notes saying "cash gifts only, please." This is just one of those things that is better not put in writing.

It shouldn't be hard to get the word out verbally and that way you can keep everything on the up and up.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:04 PM    <link>

MUST A SISTER-IN-LAW BE A BRIDESMAID?

Dear Elise,

I have been with my fiance for 4 years. I don't want to have his sister, although I like her, we are not real close yet.

I know she will be hurt if she is not in the wedding. Help!

- Bridesmaid Issue

Dear Bridesmaid Issue

It is somewhat traditional for brides to include future sisters-in-law in their wedding parties (and grooms to do the same with future brothers-in-law) but it is a vague courtesy and not a requirement, by any sense.

Your query begs a lot more questions. Are you having large wedding parties or small ones? Obviously, if you each only plan to ask one person to stand up with you, the circumstances would make you less obliged to include any additional people. On the other hand, if you are having a larger wedding party, would it really hurt you to include her? The gesture is a powerful one and would speak not to longstanding friendship but to your feelings about joining with your future husband's family.

What does your fiance think? Does he feel strongly that you include his sister? If it is just a matter of including her in the wedding party, would he be interested in having her stand up on his side of the aisle?

There are a lot of possibilities and no requirements, but think carefully about what makes everyone comfortable and try to identify where you can be flexible and where you don't want to compromise.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:05 AM    <link>

DOES SHE GET TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE?

Dear Elise,

This is an issue I have struggled with so hopefully you can help me.

My son is getting married. His father and I are divorced and he has remarried. He and I still maintain our parental relationship but I do not have a good relationship with his wife.

If the groom's mother is alive and/or available, does the stepmother get escorted down the aisle and introduced at the wedding ceremony? PLEASE HELP.

- Anxious

Dear Anxious,

Wedding ceremonies vary tremendously. Some ceremonies are governed by strict religious tradition and protocol, others are guided exclusively by the tastes and interests of the wedding couple. You do not mention the specifics of your situation, so I can't speak to particulars.

Keep in mind that situations are so variable that some people choose not to walk down an aisle at all, or walk down the aisle entirely unaccompanied, so what we are talking about is not a rigid way that things ARE done. Speaking generally, anyone can walk down the aisle.

So, what are you asking? Do you want your son to take a stand against his father and tell him that his wife (your son's stepmother) cannot take part in any sort of walk down the aisle? That is an enormous gesture, and one that might make many people feel deeply uncomfortable.

Having said this, there is certainly flexibility. Will you walk your son down the aisle or is he meeting his bride at the altar? If there is a processional of parents, will you walk alone or with a companion? Will you walk down the aisle before your ex-husband and his wife? There are lots of ways to demonstrate your relationship to your son.

You are your son's mother and of course you deserve respect but you also are in a position to exercise your grace. The wedding is not about you or your former husband or his wife. Your son loves you and he surely loves his father and it would be painful for him to have to hurt his father (by making a big deal about excluding his stepmother) in order to demonstrate his love for you (if you tell him he must leave her out of the ceremony).

I am not saying that your feelings are insignificant. Your feelings are terribly important, but acting on those feelings might cost you dearly. If your ex-husband's wife is in the processional, it doesn't reflect poorly on you and no one will think much about it unless they muse that you and your son were being very generous to be so inclusive. If you dig in your heels and try to force your son to reject his stepmother, all you will do is make yourself look hard and angry and create sadness at an event that should be joyful.

Take counsel with yourself and try to remember that even if your ex-husband's wife is a harridan, getting angry at her presence will only reward her. The best punishment for someone awful is to ignore her.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:28 AM    <link>

DO I HAVE TO INVITE HER?

Dear Elise,

A few years ago I became friends with someone who worked in the same industry as I did. We had a lot in common, but over the years we've grown apart. She is an incredibly negative, needy person. Anytime I invite her to a birthday party, she sits by herself looking angry and doesn't talk to anyone. I don't even know why she shows up, and I don't plan to invite her to any other birthday celebrations for myself or my fiancee. I've maintained very little contact with her, but she still pops up on my instant messenger every so often and wants to hang out. We haven't seen in each other in months, and even though I really don't want our "friendship" to continue, I feel for her because she's been having a rough time.

Do I invite her to the wedding knowing that she "hates being around couples" and won't talk to anyone the entire time? Or can I cut her from the guest list and worry that she'll be incredibly hurt? Unsure of the Etiquette Here

Dear Unsure,

What exactly is making you unsure? In very few cases are people capable of inviting every single friend they have to their weddings, so not inviting your friend should not be incredibly difficult.

One thing you don't have to do is base your decision of whether or not to invite this woman on how she will feel or behave at your wedding. Not only do you have no idea what she will do, it isn't your responsibility. Your responsibility, if she attends, is purely to be gracious. In all likelihood you wouldn't have time to speak to her for very long anyway, and she is a grown up who can decide to stay if she's enjoying her self and leave if she isn't. One can't really base one's guest list decisions on how good a time each potential guest might have.

What are your concerns about not inviting this woman? Are you wondering how to explain to your friend that she wasn't invited? They key will be to be gentle about it. If you decide not to invite her, tell her that you are sorry, that you're having a small wedding and you can't invite a lot of people. Clearly, you are feeling a bit confused because you feel guilty about the fact that you and she have grown apart, but as long as you don't lead her on or indicate to your friend that you don't care for her any more, you will simply be doing what almost everyone who puts together a guest list has to do: make strategic decisions.

Be considerate and know that either choice is reasonable as long as you execute it with respect and care.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:29 AM    <link>

PRESENTS FOR BACHELORETTE

Dear Elise,

I recently asked my friend, who is getting married in the spring, what she would like to do for her bachelorette party. We will probably do something simple like go to dinner and go dancing, and all the attendees will be paying for their own meals. In the course of the conversation, my friend said that she would like me to write "Gifts Optional" on the invitation because she is not having a bridal shower, and would like to receive some presents. I don't think this is appropriate. I don't think you should ask for gifts at a bachelorette party, but I'm not the bride. What's the right thing to do?

Etiquette vs. Bridezilla?

Dear E vs. V

You know in your heart of hearts that your position on this issue is the solid one, don't you? It is really never a good idea to make requests for presents on an invitation.

Surely your friend will be inviting her bachelorette guests to her wedding, anyway, in which case she is sure to get some presents, but she shouldn't be trying to make up for lost shower loot here. All she will do is generate confusion, discomfort and snark, and none of those things makes for a fun evening.

It is tricky enough inviting people to an event at which they must pay their own ways, which you say is your plan. In your party discussions, you can tell your friend that given the way this party is structured, you don't feel comfortable soliciting presents on an invitation when people will be footing their own bills as well.

See how this flies with your friend and remind her that there's still time to throw together some sort of shower scenario, if presents are really the point.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:31 PM    <link>

MORE THAN I BARGAINED FOR

Elise,

I'm the maid of honor at my friend's wedding this summer and did not realize (until now) how weddings can strain friendships. My friend is driving me crazy. I've considered dropping off the wedding party and ending our friendship because of this.

She has been planning her big day for more than eighteen months, is almost finished with planning but is acting as if there is no time at all to get things done. She sends her entire bridal party and close friends long emails full of very detailed instructions about what she would like to happen at her bridal shower and her bachelorette party. Of course she deserves to enjoy herself at these events in her honor, but it seems that she does not trust me, or any other members of her bridal party. She is not leaving any element of surprise and spontaneity in any of this.

She's behaving like a paranoid freak. To top it all, she has insisted on not doing a gift registry and has asked her bridal party that if any of the guests asks us what she and her husband-to-be would like as a present, to tell them they prefer cash. I think this is just very TACKY & CRASS. And I would not do this at all.

My appetite for throwing her a fabulous shower and organizing her bachelorette is waning. Now, I don't even understand why I 'm friends with her in the first place. I did not realize she could be like this. I also just recently got married last year so I understand the wedding jitters and how as a bride you want everything to be perfect, but this is getting exhausting. I don't know how else I can get the message across her that she is being impossible but at the same time not bursting her bubble. She is truly excited and happy about her marriage and I do not want to be the villain or even start a fight with her. It is getting difficult. What would you do in my position?

Yours,

Irritated Maid of Honor

Dear Irritated,

Your friend very well might be unspeakably annoying, but most of these issues have to do with the fact that you and she have very different approaches to your weddings.

In order to sort things out, try looking at your issues individually.

Traditionally speaking, the shower is something that is planned largely without the assistance of the bride, beyond her providing guest list information. It is reasonable that you feel micromanaged. If you and the bridesmaids would rather plan everything on your own terms, without her interference, then you can tell her that you are going to take her basic requests into account but that you want to plan something for her that she doesn't have to think about or worry about. This should take some of sting out of telling her to lay off.

As for your registry issue, your friend's approach to getting the word out that she wants only monetary gifts is the only acceptable way to go about asking for cash. It is indeed crass to request money on an invitation, so the only way to make this preference known is through word of mouth. If you can't bring yourself to tell people about your friend's preferences, you can always suggest that they contact your friend directly to find out what she would like. This relieves you of having to say anything that you feel compromises you or puts you in an awkward position. If your friend asks you why you are forwarding all gift queries to her you can just say that you feel uncomfortable, but that you understand that she wants to get the word out.

But what is really going on? Is your friend's behavior such that you would like to terminate your friendship without having a conversation about it? What is stopping you from taking your friend in hand and letting her know that her wedding is overwhelming you, and you are worried that perspective and friendships are drowning in nuptial details. If you have been living with this for eighteen months, I can bet you are sick of it, but your friend might not know what she's doing.

You have three choices: 1.) try to salvage the friendship but letting your friend know what's going on, 2.) try to suck it up and remain as miserable as you are, or 3.) quit the wedding and terminate the relationship. I can't tell you what route you should take, but it is generally wise to take the most moderate approach (which in this case would be talking about the problem instead of slashing and burning the friendship). There is a reason she asked you to be her maid of honor and a reason why you accepted.

Cheers and good luck,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:30 PM    <link>

AISLE ANXIETY

Dear Elise -

My fiance and I are taking the plunge. I do not have a happy, functional relationship with my parents and have not for many years for good reasons. My partner and I have lived together for 3 years, and I had never really explained my lack of relationship with my parents to his family until recently when his mother asked if they would be coming. After hearing the story, She completely understood (as anyone would) why I don't want them at the wedding, but it's not any fun to share nor to really hear about.

Even so, my future mother-in-law is asking me who will be walking me down the aisle. I don't know. I don't want to invite my parents. I want this to be my special day. I also want to feel the support of the past and the good things of my life "walk me" to this next step in support. I don't have any uncles or a grandfather that could play the role. I don't know if there are any other traditions or ways of dealing with this scenario that would not make it look or feel awkward - but magical, and spiritually empowering.

What are your thoughts?

Baffled

Dear Baffled,

Well, who says you need to have anyone walk you down the aisle? You don't even have to have an aisle, for that matter. It is in no way a defeat or a sign of loneliness or unrest for you to forego this tradition. People with perfectly terrific relationships with their parents often decide to skip the aisle walk and no one thinks anything of it.

So, you have plenty of choices. You could walk solo. You could walk down the aisle with your fiance. You could be escorted by one or more close friends. It is really all up to you and depends on what would make you most happy.

The key here is to try to remember that your choices have to do with what you do have: a great independent life, a fiance you love, a great relationship with your future in-laws. You aren't doing things because your lousy parents are forcing you to.

I can't tell you what will make you most fulfilled but I can say that there are few choices you could make that haven't been pursued already with great success.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:36 PM    <link>

NO NEED TO DECIDE

Dear Elise,

My best friend and I have been close since we were 15 years old. She moved away, but I've kept in touch with her, so I was surprised to hear from my other good friend that she was seeing someone. She may get engaged and I was wondering should I be in the wedding if she asks me to. I feel very torn since my family has says that I am the one who keeps the friendship going and that I should not accept. Am I being petty? Should I just forgive and forget?

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

Forgive and forget what? What, exactly, is confusing you? Surely you are not confused about your friend's wedding, since she has started dating someone and no one has said thing one about an engagement, let alone a wedding. So you must be at odds about the state of your friendship. This happens, and it is difficult, but it has nothing to do with nuptials.

Of course it feels odd to hear big or big-ish news about a close friend second-hand, but you have no idea why you weren't the first to know about her new relationship. Maybe she wasn't inclined to talk about her boyfriend until she felt comfortable using that term. Maybe she was waiting for a good time to call you or maybe she just wasn't thinking. Maybe she doesn't feel as close to you as you do to her.

Whatever the case, you certainly don't have to decide if you will be a bridesmaid for her wedding now. You don't know if she will marry this person and even if she does, you don't know if she'll have bridesmaids at all. You don't know if she'll ask you to be in her wedding party. She could elope for all you know.

You and your friend may be growing apart. This is a painful thing but don't bring an imaginary wedding into it. Talk to your friend and see how you feel about her, not her projected wedding.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 8:50 AM    <link>

DITCHING A NAME

Hi Elise,

My husband-to-be hates his last name. I don't like it either. Frankly the idea of changing my nice last name for his really makes me tense up. However, I’ve always wanted to take my husband’s name. I guess I’ve always just seen it as the ultimate in romance, and the beginning of my adult life, but now my fiance says he wants to change his last name to mine, and I must admit it does sound pretty cool. I’m just worried about what his family would say, considering they congratulated our engagement by saying: "Welcome to the wonderful world of the HIS LAST NAMES!"

I know that my family would probably think that my fiance is "whipped," even though this is his idea, and choice. How can we tell my future-in-laws about our decision? Is this stupid and unnecessary trouble? Should we both just keep our own names, and worry about kids when we have them? Is there protocol on this? I don’t want my new life to become some chauvinist punch line.

Only a Little Stressed About This

Dear Only a Little,

This is far from stupid and unnecessary. Of course names are extremely important and it is more than reasonable that you would want to choose to be called something that didn't make you cringe several times a day.

You have three choices, all of which are legal and not so hard to enact:

You can keep your own surnames

Your fiance can take your last name

You and your fiance can choose a new surname together. This can be an entirely new name that pleases you, or you can combine fragments of your original last names to create a new one (this obviously works better with some name combinations than others).

Now, how you present this to your families is another matter. You can't control how they will react, of course, but you can be gentle about your choice. Try not to walk in with a defensive stance. Instead, say that you wanted to have a new name together. If you combine names you can point out that you wanted to honor both families. If you pick something new, you can say you wanted to start off with a name you selected together for your new family.

If all of your parents are determined to be offended, there is nothing you can do beyond being firm and pleasant in the face of something that is rather annoying. Maintain that you love them and you aren't rejecting them but that this is the right choice for you.

Keep in mind that you are far from alone in this decision. People get flak no matter what they do about the last name question and no one escapes be it men who change their names, women who change their names or women who keep their names. Be prepared to smile sweetly and repeat over and over: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is what we've decided to do."

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:20 AM    <link>

SHOTGUN PRESENTS?

Dear Elise,

I have a question about etiquette and a "shotgun" wedding. My fiance’s best friend recently got a woman he has only known for a few months pregnant and married her practically the next weekend.

To say the least, we were less than thrilled about the situation. However, my fiance is insisting that we send them a wedding gift. I feel that given our financial situation (and personal opinions of the marriage) we should wait and give a generous baby gift. I know that gifts are always optional but I wonder if my personal opinions of this marriage are getting in the way of my generosity. Is there a "guide" for how to handle these types of weddings?

Thank you,
First Comes Love

Dear FCL,

One hasn't heard much about shotgun weddings recently. One hears much more about maternity wedding dresses.

But clearly the shotgun wedding is alive and well. In a way it resembles an elopement. These weddings are often invented in haste and attended by an intimate few. You can treat these nuptials the same way you would treat an elopement. Presents are entirely optional. Some people will feel compelled to give a wedding present, while others only feel obliged to give them if they were invited to the nuptials. Whether you give a present is completely up to you.

Now, do you really want to argue with your fiance about why he really shouldn't give his best friend a wedding present? Surely his feelings about his friend deserve some extra weight. Perhaps you could compromise and give the shotgun couple a small but sincere wedding present and then you can give a slightly less modest baby present. Would that be more comfortable for you?

You're in a fine position here since no one has particular expectations. If you do intend to keep up your friendship with this couple you should, of course, refrain from mentioning your feelings about the marriage, regardless of whether or not you give a present. If they are happy, then the fact that they have taken what you feel is an unconventional path to the altar isn't a big deal, and if they aren't happy, your fiance's best friend will surely be grateful for your support.

So do what makes you and your fiance comfortable and keep in mind that happy circumstances can emerge from what convention might suggest are the most awkward of beginnings.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:30 AM    <link>

DOES SHE GET TO INVITE THEM?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married this summer. Between us we have about 100 family members to invite, and we want to have about 150 guests, total.

My problem is that my future mother-in-law wants to keep inviting people that we don’t know or care for. So far she has a bunch of people she wants to come, including old neighbors and work friends. She told me I can’t invite all my family and I need to only invite people I really want there. I mentioned we didn’t really want her friends "Anna and Bob" to come to the wedding. She answered, “Well, I have been friends with "Anna" for a long time and if she doesn’t go to the wedding, I’m sorry but I don’t really feel like going either.” She also wants to invite a couple because she went to their kid's wedding.

I feel like she's taking charge and putting down all my ideas and plans. A few people have said that I have to let my future mother-in-law invite whoever she wants if she's helping pay for the wedding but we haven’t asked her or my father-in-law for any help. When I told my fiance what his mother said to me he said, “Well, I guess 'Anna' has to come then."

I am so bothered by this. What can I do?

- She's Annoying Me

Dear SAM,

Guest lists are tricky and it is easy to see why you want to maintain control, but it is also easy to see why your fiance's mother wants to invite her closest friends to such an important occasion.

The key here is to define your numbers. Tell your fiance's mother how many people she can invite, apart from the relatives on his side you have already taken into account. Give her a solid number. After that, don't question who it is she decides to invite: they are her guests. If she feels strongly about having "Anna and Bob" at her side, then she can have them there. She may have to budget her invitations, but at least she knows how many people she can ask and you know she isn't going wild and inviting everyone she has ever met.

Try not to think about giving your future mother-in-law this leeway as some grand gesture of magnanimity. Even if one were following extremely classical tradition where the bride's family pays for almost everything, the groom's family is still allowed a certain number of invitations (generally a percentage of the total number), so you wouldn't even doing something that deviates from any standard by giving her the freedom to invite, say, ten people of her choice.

I suspect your difficulty with this comes from a sense that your mother-in-law is being a bit aggressive and bullying with you, and that your fiance is taking her part more than you would like. If that is your problem, you should tell him that you understand that his mother wants to have her friends at your wedding and that is fine with you, but that you want him to try to see things from your perspective as well, and maybe stick up for you a bit more. This is a bigger issue than your guest list and you are right to want to tackle it before you get married.

So offer your fiance's mother a handful of invitations (only as many as you can "afford" to give her) and talk to your fiance about your worries. This will make you come off as a mature, reasonable person, in contrast to your fiance's mother who doesn't seem to be above picking fights to get what she wants.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:29 AM    <link>

HOMESICK

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning our wedding in California, where we met and live. My large family lives in Wisconsin, where I grew up, and my fiance’s family lives in Texas, where he grew up. His family is willing to travel to CA. My parents really want me to get married where I grew up and want to be there to see it. According to my mom, my siblings will not be able to afford to fly themselves and their kids out to CA for our wedding. We very much want to get married where we live and where we met and fell in love, and my fiance absolutely does not want to get married in WI, where he has no emotional connection and has never lived. We are planning the California wedding for next year and my parents will be paying for the wedding.

My mom still has not accepted that it will not take place in my hometown and keeps trying to change my mind (but then says, "do whatever makes you happy"). What can I do to help smooth over any hurt feelings? I want to assure my family that I love them and want them here. Should I offer to help pay for my siblings' travel or bridesmaids dresses? Should we have my parents do a separate reception for us in the Midwest?

HELP!

Sincerely,

All Grown Up

Dear AGU,

The protocols of etiquette can't really protect you from your family's desires, mostly because you haven't really committed any transgressions.

I can't predict how your family will ultimately react to your plans for a California wedding or if they will dig in their heels about questions of money, so prepare to be a good listener and think about ways in which you are willing to be flexible.

Would you be up for having a wedding and reception in California and a reception after the fact in Wisconsin? Offering this as a suggestion to your mother may help her accept the fact that you are determined to have your California wedding while giving her an opportunity to plan something that satisfies her desire to do something local (to her).

In talking about this, you may have to offer some compromises. Would you have a smaller wedding or find a way to contribute financially so that your parents wouldn't be paying for two large-scale events? Your idea of offering to offset some of your siblings' expenses is generous but it may not really address the fact that your parents really want to celebrate with you at home, on their turf.

You aren't betraying anyone in wanting to get married where you live, but making some gesture (such as having a reception in Wisconsin) shows that you respect your mother's feelings and interests and that alone may go a long way toward convincing her that everything will be all right if you don't get married in your childhood back yard, and that there are solutions beyond the obvious tug-of-war.

Be patient and flexible, but don't lose track of the wedding elements that are most important to you. If you can give on some other issues, your family should be able to meet you partway (not literally, since you don't necessarily want to meet in Nebraska or Colorado).

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:45 AM    <link>

THE SISTER-IN-LAW & THAT DRESS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have been together for five years, engaged for one. We are getting married this spring. Over the course of our relationship, his sister has been rotten to me. Downright nasty. Whenever she has said hateful things to me, I never retaliate. I refuse to stoop to her level.

Her last verbal attack on me was truly hurtful, and I didn’t talk to her for a long time, though, after months we resolved things. I grappled with the idea of inviting her to be in the bridal party, and I did it for my fiance and because ultimately it is a good thing to do. I have to say when I asked her she was truly shocked and responded in a humble way because I think she knew she really didn’t deserve it after how she has acted in the past.

I picked out the dress, and ever since, she never passes up an opportunity to tell me how much she dislikes it. I have told her that I understand that she doesn’t like it but the fact remains that she still has to get it in order to be in the bridal party. The other girls ordered their dresses a month ago. She went to get her measurements taken but did not put down the deposit or order it. I am convinced she is just doing this to be spiteful. I know it’s not about money because her mother told her she would pay for it. Now she is having stomach problems and will most likely use this as an excuse to avoid getting the dress. And will probably blow up at me if I even mention it.

I don’t care if she gets the dress or not. I would just like to know what she’s planning because I have to proceed with things like bouquets, bridal gifts, etc. She owes it to me to at least let me know. I just recently sent her an e-mail asking her about it. She hasn’t responded yet. I am stressed enough without having to deal with this. What should I do??

Stressed-in-law

Dear Stressed,

People like your future sister-in-law are a ton of fun, aren't they? Part of their greatness is that they can be counted on to be awful, much in the way that Old Faithful can be guaranteed to perform. Think of her as just another natural wonder.

Now, you know there is nothing you can do about her and you've done your best, so forget her. It doesn't matter what she does after this. So what if she screws up and doesn't get her bridesmaid dress? If she fails to deal with it, it is no reflection on you. If you are worried about picking flowers to go with her dress, select something neutral enough that it doesn't matter if she wears pink or chartreuse. If she doesn't care, that just means you don't have to either. Put no more effort into this.

Choose to let go. This should be a liberating moment for you. Tell your fiance and his mother that you aren't dealing with this any more and that she can buy the dress or not and wash your hands of it. Her stalling is just another attention-getting tactic and you don't have the time or the energy to waste right now, so put the issue out of your mind, be nice to her, but don't exert yourself.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:56 AM    <link>

ROCK, HARD PLACE & SISTER-IN-LAW

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a relaxed, elegant autumn wedding, and both of us have absolutely wonderful, reasonable, sane families. I do have one problem, though: the bridal party.

My fiance and I each have several dear friends and relatives we would love to include (six or seven each). My fiance has one sister who is lovely, responsible, lives nearby, and has always been kind to me, and I definitely want to ask her to be a bridesmaid; my fiance is going to ask her husband to be a groomsman as well.

The problem, then, is what to do about my own brother's wife. I feel like it would look strange for me not to ask her to be a bridesmaid, too, but the very thought fills me with dread. She's interesting and means well, but is also the kind of person who believes in speaking her mind, no matter what. Consequently, she has the most atrocious manners of anyone I've ever met.

She makes people's jaws drop. She criticizes absolutely EVERYTHING not out of mean-spiritedness, but because she has very particular tastes. I've tried to laugh off her crazy behavior, but it would stress me out to have her sitting near me and criticizing me at our wedding.

What can I do? The only solution I've thought of is to ask if she wants to take candid photos at the wedding. She studies photography, is very passionate about her work, and is genuinely happiest and most comfortable behind a camera anyway. I don't want her to feel like I'm "putting her to work," though, and I want her to be able to enjoy herself at our wedding.

Do you have any thoughts? Talking to my brother won't help
(neither of them is the least bit traditional, and he doesn't seem to mind her behavior). My fiance would also love to ask my brother to be a groomsman, but he can't really do so without our including her in the bridal party as well. Everyone else in the bridal party lives locally, whereas my brother and his wife live very far away; could we say that we thought being in the bridal party would be an inconvenience for them?

Please help! I love my sister-in-law for who she is, crazy behavior and all, but I just don't want to spend our wedding day listening to her criticize all our choices.

-Midwest bride

Dear MB,

This is a tricky proposition. The woman makes you (and everyone else) crazy, but you love her, you love your brother and you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

What are the chances that she won't notice or care that you've left her out of the wedding party if your brother (her husband), your fiance's sister and your fiance's sister's husband are going to be included? She may be completely socially clueless, but it is unlikely her skin or her skull is that thick. It would be one thing if you and your fiance were only including siblings and not their spouses in your wedding party, but to create a situation where your sister-in-law is left out will be taken as a statement, whether or not you mean for it to be. (It would also be noticeable if you left out your brother too, since your fiance's sibling and her husband will be participating.)

I do understand your feelings, and I understand that asking your sister-in-law to photograph the proceedings feels like a great idea. It is, in many respects, but it is hard to get around the fact that you are asking her to work your wedding instead of being an honored participant in it, and she could take candid snapshots of your reception while still being a bridesmaid.

Happily, your circumstances are working in your favor. If you decide you must include her in your wedding party, you can use her physical distance to your advantage. You don't need to talk to her or listen to her laments or depend on her to do anything. All you would have to do is limit her obligations and tell her what little she needs to do. If she asks for more responsibilities, then you could ask her to take some photographs, which would keep her busy and distracted for a large portion of the evening, and might also reward you with some fabulous images.

For each of your problems, there are non-drastic solutions. You can limit your communications with this woman and filter your emails from her. If you are worried about having her complaining near you, you can seat her far away from you at your reception (to this end you can even have the entire wedding party scattered at different tables).

If you were having a tiny wedding party with just one or two people in it, you would be in a better position to exclude your sister-in-law, but as it is, leaving her out could easily turn into a long-term mess that starts now and keeps rolling along through your wedding, future holidays and into anniversaries. The big picture looms, so don't forget to look at it.

Being unfamiliar with your sister-in-law and the depths of her oddness, I can't tell you what she would or would not mind. I can only advise what sorts of fallout would likely come from excluding her or disguising her exclusion behind the veil of a job. Since she drives you (and everyone else) crazy, the safest route is to look to the grey areas and find some way to have her involved at a distance. It is possible, and probably preferable for everyone involved.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:34 AM    <link>

DON'T PUT IT IN WRITING

Elise,

My fiance and I live together. We really don't want wedding presents since we already have all the housewares we need. If our guests really want to give us something special, I would like to suggest they donate to our honeymoon fund. We don't get to go on vacation often and having a nice honeymoon is the best gift we could receive. That said, I also don't want people to feel weird about how much to send, or whether to send anything at all. I'm also not planning on having a super-traditional wedding and I don't want a wedding shower, rehearsal dinner, or any of that stuff. Our friends and family all know us well and I'm sure they will expect something away from the mainstream.

Would it be okay to say something like:

"No gifts are required, but a donation to our honeymoon fund would be welcome."

Is this appropriate? Any other ideas for wording?

Thanks,
Future Honeymooner

Dear FH,

There is nothing wrong with your desires. Travel is a wonderful thing.

The only thing you should not do is write about your wants on your invitation. Just as it is not advisable to include a list of registry choices in an invitation, it is a bad idea to make financial requests as well. It creates the impression that you feel that your invitation requires some sort of exchange in the form of cash or presents.

What can you do then, to get the word out? Handle your "honeymoon registry" the way one would handle any other sort. When people ask, you and your friends and family can tell them that you really want to travel and a monetary present would be the best thing you could receive. If you want to work with a reputable travel agent to set up an actual registry, you can do that, or you can just refrain from registering for anything else and let people know that cash presents would be most welcome.

It doesn't really matter if you are or aren't traditional in your approach. What you don't want to do is create a negative or ungracious impression through your invitations. So, don't hesitate to be honest when asked about your wants, but don't put it in your invitations.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:59 AM    <link>

DON'T BOTHER TO SHOWER

Dear Elise,

My best friend and her fiance have decided to have a very intimate ceremony with just their parents. It's not a destination wedding; she just doesn't want to have a wedding. She was my maid of honor when I got married, and I've always imagined doing the same for her. She and one other attendant threw me a lovely wedding shower, and I'm wondering if I should/can do the same for her. I understand that guests at a shower should also be invited to the wedding, but what is the protocol in this case? The couple has not yet decided if they are going to have a reception in the weeks following their private ceremony, but she has indicated that if she did, it would be more like an informal gathering at a bar or restaurant (for which we would pay our own way) than an actual reception.

The part of me that is hurt by not being included in her wedding doesn't want to throw her a shower. I don't mind spending the money, but it looks like I'd be spending more on her wedding celebration than she would. But I suspect that part of me is just being petty, and I really want to get past my hurt feelings and do the right thing to help the two of them celebrate.

Sincerely,

Maid-Of-Nothing

Dear Maid-Of-Nothing,

All signs are pointing to "no" for the shower, I think. It is entirely unclear, first of all, that your friend would even welcome a shower. Not wanting to have a wedding is a good indicator that a shower wouldn't be at the top of your friend's list of fun activities.

Moving on, while people do occasionally have wedding showers following destination weddings or elopements where there is a reception after the fact, it would be quite awkward to have a shower for someone who is having either no reception or one in which all guests have to pay their own way (which is problematic in and of itself). So really, you can set aside your feelings of conflict and hesitation and find some other way to celebrate with your friend. Perhaps you and she can do something together that lets you show her how much she means to you. The shower gesture is so complicated here, because of your own conflict and the fact that it is a little inappropriate in these circumstances, that you are best off shelving it.

There are so many alternatives that you can embrace that you may as well skip this tradition and look to less conventional possibilities.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 10:19 AM    <link>

NO NO NO NO NO NO KIDS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are not inviting kids to our wedding. How do we make sure that our guests with children understand this, without being rude?

Yours,

Baby-Hating Bride

Dear B-HB,

The short answer is that if you don't want children at your wedding, don't invite them. This means not to include their names on any invitation or include the words "and family" on any envelope (this also spares you from accidentally inviting any additional relatives who happen to live with the people you actually want to see at your wedding).

But you wouldn't be asking if you were certain that your friends understand the not-so-secret code of invitation envelopes. You have a couple of choices. You could include a handwritten note in the invitations you send to prospective guests who have children, saying that you are sorry but you can't accommodate kids at the wedding and reception. The key to doing this well is to be gentle and not sound as if you are rejecting the kids (even if you are). Another option is to actually speak to your friends and let them know that you are excited to invite them to your wedding but need to let them know, again, that you can't accommodate kids. You can add that you understand that you understand that this might make attending your wedding complicated for your friends.

You aren't strange for not wanting to have children at your wedding, but you will have to be prepared to be a bit diplomatic and accept the possibility that some people might not be able to travel to your wedding without their children (or if they do travel, they might not feel comfortable leaving kids with a babysitter they don't know). Children bring up strong reactions in people (pro and con), so be prepared to be politic, but don't back down if you have decided to have a kid-free wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:40 AM    <link>

WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT PICKING UP THE PHONE?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have been together for more than ten years and we recently decided to get married. At Thanksgiving we told my parents, who were overjoyed and excited and supportive. We set a date and booked a place for the ceremony and reception.

We told my fiance's mother about our engagement and plans a few nights before Christmas and she was pleased. She sort of prides herself on her good manners (if such a thing is possible), but she has yet to call my parents. She knows that my parents are going to pay for the entire wedding and she knows that they will need the names and addresses of her guests. She also knows that they don't need this information right away, because we're getting married in the fall, but I think my parents are starting to wonder why she hasn't called to offer congratulations or start the ball rolling. (My parents know that we told her.)

Underlying all this, of course, is the feeling she's always given me that I'm not good enough for her family. I've grown used to it, over the last decade, and I'm willing to put up with it because she's not going to change and because all of his other family members treat me really well. But I hate to see her snub my parents.

My fiance has asked her when she intends to call my parents and she says that she intends to, but has not done so. What should I do?

Miffed

Dear Miffed,

Don't get too hung up on this question of protocol. Over the last ten years you have had plenty of opportunities to arrive at the conclusion that you don't much care for your fiance's mother. You don't have to look for more and neither do your parents, who are also entitled not to like her.

In this case, while it is traditional for the groom's family to call or visit the bride's family after the couple has gotten engaged, it isn't a "must" of any kind and even the starchiest comportment advisors recommend that neither side should wait on ceremony or generate resentment over this issue. Anyone can make the first move. It doesn't matter. This only becomes weighted when the question of who makes the first call gets elevated to the level of insult. Your parents shouldn't be miffed that your fiance's mother hasn't called. They have surely heard enough bad stuff about her over the last decade to realize that this is expected. They can either assume the mantle of graciousness and call her themselves, or they can assume the mantle of happy business and decide that they aren't particularly interested in talking to her.

What you want to avoid here is a situation where you focus too hard on the fact that this woman is not calling your parents. It really is quite secondary to whatever the reality of your relationship with her is. There could be lots of reasons why she isn't calling that are reasonably understandable. Perhaps she is shy and knows that your parents won't like her given how she has treated you over the years. While she obviously has made that trouble for herself, she still might feel awkward about having to face your parents.

Don't make trouble with this issue. You clearly don't need anything from your fiance's mother and maybe a gesture from your family would start a conversation that could help make relations cordial if not actively friendly, but if it isn't worth it to them, they can just sit tight.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:29 AM    <link>

COUSIN OVERLOAD

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I both come from huge families. I am the youngest in my family, and all of my older siblings are married and have kids. My immediate family (brothers, sisters, their spouses, my nieces & nephews) consists of 54 people. My fiance's immediate family has 18 people in it, which of course is much more manageable.

It's very important to us to have the people we love there on our wedding day. That, more than having a fancy menu or all the details right, is our first priority. I also want my aunts and uncles there. This is important to me because my parents have both passed away, so of course I want the people who remind me the most of them to be there. We do have a dilemma: we have a huge number of cousins. On my side, there are some cousins that I know and love, and many cousins that I don't think I have never met. Every cousin I know, I really like and want to invite. (That would be 4 cousins, their spouses and children.) Two of these cousins are sisters of one of the cousins I don't think I have ever met. Would it completely churlish to only invite these 4 cousins (plus whichever cousins my fiance wants to invite on his side), and not the others? Is it rude to invite some cousins and not others, considering that I don't know these cousins at all? Besides the budget consideration, we're up to maximum capacity with our current guest list, plus I just think it would be weird to have people there that I don't even recognize. But what would my aunts and uncles think?

Sincerely,
Irish Catholic Bride-to-Be on a Budget

Dear IC Bride-to-Be,

This is a strange situation, peculiar because your family has such an extreme number of people in it.

Standard invitation protocol is that one really should issue invitations with some consistency: if you invite an aunt, you should invite all of the aunts and uncles. If you invite one nephew, all nieces and nephews should get invitations as well. The reasons for this are obvious: to do otherwise creates the appearance of favoritism and preference. (Of course favoritism and preference are probably hovering around anyway, but it is a nicety of wedding invitations that one makes all possible efforts to level the field.)

So that is the only way I can guarantee that you won't offend anyone or create confusion, especially in the instance where you are inclined to invite two siblings but not a third. Given your circumstances, though, you might be able to explore some options. What has happened in the past at family weddings? Have your cousins simply limited their invitations to aunts and uncles? If you are close enough to your parents' siblings, you could quiz them about what their children did for their weddings and how they decided to create their guest lists. Keep in mind that even if you play it safe and don’t invite cousins, you could still celebrate with the ones you know and love after the fact.

I can't really recommend that you proceed with selective cousin inviting, especially if you already suspect it might cause unrest, but if you can discover, through some family excavation, a path to inviting some cousins and not others with a clear conscience, you will know it when you find it. Until then, an "everyone or no one" policy is safest.

Congratulations
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:37 AM    <link>

WE ARE GOING, YOU AREN'T

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I getting married in Rome; and everyone we tell seems to think this is a great idea and wants to start saving for their trip! The thing is, we only want to invite immediate family (at most) and follow with receptions in both of our home states.

How do I go about inviting people to the receptions, without inviting them to the actual wedding? I want to send off invitations early enough to allow them to arrange their schedules to attend the reception, but I don't want to imply that they ought to even attempt to attend the ceremony. Any ideas on wording?

Thanks!

Soon to Not-Quite Elope

Dear Soon,

Don't let the enthusiasm of others intimidate you. While it is swell that your friends want to join you in Rome, you should take their excitement as a compliment, not a mandate.

If you are faced with such exuberance in someone you don't plan to invite to Italy, you should not have any trouble telling him or her the truth: "Oh our trip to Rome is going to be very small, only immediate family, but we'll be having a reception when we get back so that we can celebrate with everyone." (This answer of course would work best if you intend to invite your friend, but you can certainly tailor your replies to your needs.)

The way to handle these invitations is to keep in mind that you are dealing with three events. You don't need to send them all out at once and, since you're having your wedding and receptions on different continents, your events will probably be spaced out enough so that it isn't even practical to think about doing one big mailing.

Once you've fixed your three lists you can compose your invitations and, if necessary, save-the-date missives. The ones to your wedding should only make mention of your wedding in Rome and traditionally would use the following standard construction:

Host's Names
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Bride's name
to
Groom's name
date
time
place
RSVP

For your subsequent receptions, your invitations, if traditionally worded, would look something like this:

Host's names
request the pleasure of your company
at at reception
in honor of
Bride's and Groom's married names
date
time
place
RSVP

As long as you keep your events separate and organized, you should be in good shape.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:22 AM    <link>

THE MOTHER IS AWFUL

Dear Elise,

My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship. Basically she is fine to hang around for a bit, but after a while she becomes frustrating and annoying.

My mom acted badly at my sister's wedding because she felt slighted and left out (which was her own fault for not wanting to be involved with anything). She caused several incidents at the pre-wedding events, the wedding itself and the brunch. Now my sister can't really talk about her wedding without mentioning some part that my mom ruined or something my mom did to embarrass her.

When I got engaged I made sure she that she felt included by telling her first, and trying to keep her happy so that she didn't cause any trouble (unsuccessfully). She just didn't seem interested in my wedding for longer than 10 minutes per week.

She rescinded her offer to help financially with the wedding after we put a deposit down on a place. Then she started to cut me off financially. She has been supporting me while I attend college. She has always been a person that likes to take stuff away if she can.

I don't really want her to come to my wedding. I am just tired of all her antics. So I uninvited her and haven't talked to her since the summer.

Recently my family has begun taking sides. Some of them believe that she should be there because of her relation to me. I was raised by my grandmother as much as my mother and my grandmother has decided to not come if my mom is banned. I don't really want to give in because I guess I'd rather have just my friends and some family be there than have a day that I will remember horribly.

Am I being unfair in banning my mom from my wedding?
It kind of seems like no matter what I do, she is ruining my wedding. If I leave her uninvited she won't embarrass me but some of my family probably won't come. It seems like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Help!!!

Angry Daughter

Dear AD,

Your mother is troublesome and there's no way around that. What you are now facing is less a problem of etiquette and more a question of strategy. How do you want to play this game of your wedding?

How much do you gain from banning your mother from your nuptials? The first step to thinking clearly about your choices is to try to put questions of pride aside. The notion that if she is present for your wedding she "wins" in some way or you "lose" some battle of wills is singularly unhelpful for you right now. Now, your game plan should be that you are in this to win this.

On the plus side, not inviting your mother means you won't have to deal with the sight of her, or any of your mother's defenders, which may be reward enough.

But not inviting her (or not re-inviting her) means you won't get to see your grandmother and there is also the possibility that everyone will hold your decision over you for the rest of your life. If you do permit your mother to attend, you can always rigorously ignore her at the event and keep her out of the loop up until the day. Doing this will allow you to play both sides of things: you're doing the "right" thing by inviting your mother and squashing any potential oddness that could erupt by her absence, but you aren't making yourself vulnerable by expecting anything of her beyond her attendance. You can make it clear that you don't want her interest or approval or care and that you are inviting her because it is a reasonable thing to do.

Of course you also have to think about your own expectations. You mother may well try to pull a stunt, but if you already don't much care for her and anticipate that she is the kind of person who could behave badly, how will that ruin your wedding? If she says something awful, won't it make people see her for the horror that she is rather than look askance at you?

Having said that, you may find you have to think carefully about ways to safeguard your wedding if you do invite your mother. You would treat her as you would any other guest. If she starts to pull some stunt around you, tell her that you are busy and will talk to her about this some other time. The only person who will come off looking bad if your mother behaves poorly is your mother. If you are worried that she might actually be physically problematic, you could always talk to the staff at your venue about her so that they could be prepared to escort her off the premises if necessary.

Really, there is nothing illegal about deciding not to invite your mother, but it sounds as if you are reluctant to risk many of the possible side-effects of this decision. Think carefully. Once you get rid of the questions of pride, what are your obstacles and how do you want to deal with them? Remember that there is no guarantee that getting married without your mother around will close the book on that subject. There is a good chance your family will tell you about it over and over again over the years, so consider the advantages and disadvantages. You know best which way those winds blow.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:52 PM    <link>

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