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Thursday, February 28, 2008

WHICH SIDE DOES HE STAND ON?

Dear Elise,

The bride's friend recently came out of the closet. He wants to be a bridesmaid instead of a groomsman. The groom does not feel a wedding is an appropriate time or place for this man to make a statement about his sexual preference.

The groom does not disagree with this man being in the wedding, however he would rather he participate in the traditional spot as a groomsman. The bride is beside herself and feels her gay friend should be able to be her bridesmaid. What is your take on this situation?

Please Help!

- Whose Side Is He On?

Dear WSIHO,

Well, who's to say that standing at the bride's side or the groom's side of a wedding party says anything at all about one's sexual orientation? Really, why should it signify that a man MUST be gay if he is part of the bridal party? It doesn't.

Now, of course, traditionally, wedding parties are comprised of bridesmaids (and maids and matrons of honor) on the bride's side, and groomsmen (and a best man) on the grooms's side, but there's no reason why this has to be the case. If the wedding couple really feels that the wedding party should be comprised of their closest friends, why should it be that a woman can's stand up for the groom, or a man for the bride? Of course this is not just a question of circumstance, it is a question of preference. There is absolutely nothing odd about a strong about having a strong preference for single-sex wedding parties, nor is there anything weird about co-ed wedding parties.

So, does the groom have reason to believe, beyond the bride's friend wanting to stand with the bridesmaids, that this fellow will otherwise use the wedding as an opportunity to announce his sexual preference? If there is a concern that this friend will try to monopolize the wedding with news of his having some out, then that is another issue and you should deal with it on its own terms.

Now, was this friend always going to be on the groom's side until he came out or was his role in the wedding party previously undefined? If the bride wants him at her side because he is primarily her friend, could the groom recognize this as a statement about their friendship, not this fellow's sexual orientation?

In the end, there is nothing wrong with co-ed wedding parties, just as there's nothing wrong with single-sex ones. All they are doing is announcing to the rest of the guests that these friends and relatives are the ones that the bride and groom want to have close to them, supporting them at this huge moment of transition.

What you decide to do in this circumstance is up to you, but recognize that this friend's placement won't say anything about his sexuality or anyone else's. Do what makes you and your future spouse happiest and realize that no statement about sexuality is going to be made no matter what you choose to do.

Congratulations

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:07 PM    <link>

A QUICK FIX

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are having a wedding with about 225 guests. There are 263 people that I want to invite, but I am only going to send the extra invites out when I get regrets. The church only holds 240. I received an RSVP in the mail today with 4 acceptances. I went back and checked the mailing list, and this person had been invited with one guest.

I am booked to the max already. What do I do? Please Help!

Thanks,

- Troubled

Dear Troubled,

There is only one thing to do in this case. Pick up the phone, call your prospective guest, and let her know that you're sorry but you just can't accommodate her two extra people. That is the beginning and end of it. Don't let her argue with you or try to make you feel guilty and don't feel embarrassed that you have to do this. (If this prospective guest is a friend of your fiance or your parents, or your future in-laws and you would be more comfortable outsourcing that phone call, you can.)

Take care of this confusion quickly and get it out of the way. The longer you hold on to your confusion and irritation, the more it will fester. Your friend made a mistake and it is easy to gently correct it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:22 PM    <link>

NOT THE BEST IDEA

Dear Elise,

As our wedding planning went on, we realized eloping was really the best option since we can’t afford the expense of a wedding. However, I do have a large family and a lot of friends and would love to have a shower. Would it be inappropriate to have a shower without inviting people to the wedding?

- Practical

Dear Practical

I know a shower sounds like a lot of fun, but unfortunately, without a wedding or a post-elopement reception of some kind, having a shower will just seem like a giant demand for presents.

The problem with showers is that they do require that guests bring presents, but if you want to have a party, not a shower, just some sort of pre-wedding celebration, a pre-elopement bash, if you will, you can absolutely do that.

Take the word "shower" out of the equation and you'll be on much safer ground.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:48 PM    <link>

ETIQUETTE ON THE AIRWAVES

Dear All,

I apologize for the short notice, but if you're at your desk at the 9 o'clock hour, you can tune in to WOR Radio's Joan Hamburg show to hear me talk about Something New. I'm slated to go on at 9:20 this morning.

If nothing else, Joan Hamburg is a fabulous personality and I'm looking forward to talking with her.

Here's hoping you can tune in.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:53 AM    <link>

RESERVATION RESERVATIONS

Dear Elise,

Ihave a question regarding when to send out invitations. The majority of our guests will be traveling for our wedding. We have two hotels with group rates reserved and one of the hotels has a group rate that expires three months before the wedding. This deadline was noted on the inserts when we sent out save-the-date cards, 6 months ago.

Should we send our invitations before the group rate deadline expires, three and a half months before the wedding or should we follow etiquette and send invitations 8 weeks before the date, but risk that some guests may have forgotten or not noticed the early deadline?

Thanks,

- Invitationally Challenged

Dear IC,

As always, the difficulty with sending out invitations so early is that people get inefficient and may forget to respond. This threatens to interfere with your goal of getting an accurate head count.

If your caterer doesn't need to know your numbers until closer to your wedding date, you might be best off sending out an email, phone call or follow up note advising potential guests about the hotel rate changes. If you send out a missive with just one message it will be harder for your potential guests to misread or misinterpret what you are trying to tell them (that they need to reserve early to get a good rate).

Think of you invitation as a communication for your benefit (you get to find out exactly who is coming) and this cautionary email, call or note as a gesture that will help your potential guests (they get a good rate on accommodations). It can only help to keep these things separate.

Clarity and simplicity will help you and your guests.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:09 AM    <link>

WEIRD REHEARSAL DINNER PLANS


Dear Elise,

My fiance's family and friends will be flying in for our wedding (they are all out-of-towners) and my mother-in-law is planning an out-of-towner dinner for everyone the night before the wedding. She mentioned that she did not expect me to attend because she assumed I would want to spend the night before the wedding with my friends and family. I am happy that I am not expected to attend an out-of-towner event the night before the wedding, rather than spend time with my friends and family, but at the same time, these plans seems weird to me because we will be having a rehearsal the afternoon before the wedding.

So I guess this means there will be no rehearsal dinner. My mother-in-law asked me to shift the rehearsal to another day so we could have a rehearsal dinner as well, but this does not work with my family's schedule. In the end, I'm having a hard time accepting that my and my fiance's families will be separated the night before our wedding.

So, should I ask my mother-in-law to reschedule the out-of-towner dinner (so we can have a rehearsal dinner and all be together the night before the wedding) or should I just carry on with my wedding plans and be grateful that I will be able to spend time with family and friends (guilt free) the night before my wedding?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

Do I understand that your future mother-in-law has decided to throw a dinner the night before your wedding for the out of town family and friends on her side but has opted not to include your friends or family? This is a little weird.

Typically, the night before the wedding is reserved for a mingling sort of affair where families have an opportunity to meet each other briefly before the nuptials. These events are not necessary, but there is something a little awkward about your future mother-in-law's decision, and her suggestion for you to schedule a rehearsal dinner on a day when no one will be around is a bit silly.

Still, you have options. You will be safest if you make your own plans with your family and friends, but you could also approach your future mother-in-law with a suggestion. Perhaps she would be interested in working with you to host a cocktail hour or tea immediately following your afternoon rehearsal. A majority of your guests would already be gathered for the rehearsal and that way everyone could meet and then the groups could break off for their respective dinners afterwards.

You will probably not get to have the idealized rehearsal dinner in which families and friends from both sides of the aisle meet each other, but approaching your future mother-in-law shows that you are willing to compromise, interested in having the families meet and willing to be inventive without derailing her plans. If she doesn't take you up on your offer, you can still have a great time with your family and won't have had to go out of your way trying to accommodate someone who might be quite unwilling to bend.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:59 AM    <link>

SAYING NO TO THE REGISTRY NOTE

Dear Elise,

I am the Mother of the Bride, and my daughter and I are in a quandary about adding the gift registry information in the invitation envelope. The invitations are already printed and my daughter thought we could put the registry information on a small card slipped into the envelope.

While I think it is helpful and informative to give this information, the bulk of the etiquette websites I have looked up say that to add the registry with the invitations is a No-No. We do not want to appear to be social idiots but want this information to be accessible, too.

Would it suffice to add registry info on a website and then put the website address on a card with the invitation? Please let us know what to do about this.

Thank you,

Mother of the Bride

Dear MOB,

Your instincts are correct. It may seem efficient to get it all over with and just include your daughter's registry in with her wedding invitations, but don't do it. It just creates the appearance that you are demanding presents in exchange for invitations.

Having said that, your solution is a good one. If your daughter has a wedding web site, she can include her registry details on a back page (not the front page where anyone who visits is hit with a big request) and she can include a card with her web site address in with the invitation. Beyond that, registry information is best spread through old-fashioned word of mouth.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:43 PM    <link>

MODERN PROBLEMS

Dear Elise,

I have a Facebook account as do many of my friends, including guests I've invited to my wedding. I invited one of these friends along with his live-in girlfriend to our wedding, since we invited people to bring their significant others if they were married, engaged, or living together for some time. (Friends who are single or not in a long-term relationship got invited sans guest.)

My friend RSVPed about 2 weeks ago that he and and his girlfriend would be attending. Now here's my issue: although I don't keep up with this friend as much anymore, we communicate through Facebook and keep up on updates in each other's lives. According to the updates he has made in just the last week on Facebook, he broke up with his girlfriend, moved to a different address, and is now again "in a relationship."

The numbers are due to the caterer at the end of this week and I feel awkward saying, "well, I was Facebooking all my friends with recent updates and noticed that you guys may have broken up or moved apart, so are you still going bring her to the wedding?"

I also feel weird because if he's just planning on bringing whoever his new girlfriend is, it's not a huge financial problem (since we were planning on him bringing a guest), but my other friends who are single or just started dating recently don't get guests and it's not really fair to them.

I'm considering going the "what if there were no Facebook" route, and just saying, "well, I wouldn't know about this otherwise, so I'll just leave it in his court and if he contacts me, then fine and if he doesn't, we'll deal with either a random guest, his former girlfriend, or a wasted meal." Any ideas?

Sincerely,

Techno Troubled

Dear TT,

Well, what is wrong with contacting your friend, privately, and saying directly that you saw his Facebook update and you want to make sure he is all right and see if his (ex)girlfriend will be attending your wedding still? This would clear things up for you and prevent any undue awkwardness at your wedding.

There are a few advantages to approaching your friend. He understandably, if he just moved, might not be focused on anything beyond the immediate, so he probably has not even remembered your wedding and the change to your guest list. It will help you plan your seating arrangements (if you are having them). And finally, you can show your friend that you care about him. There is something a little bleak about announcing to all of your friends that you have broken up with your significant other and not hearing from them. In all likelihood he would be pleased you checked in with him.

He's a friend of yours and he has not been silent about his relationship, so it would be both a kind and practical gesture to get in touch.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:21 AM    <link>

PUSHY RELATIVES

Hello,

My father and mother divorced when I was very young. My mother had some emotional and behavior. After many fits and starts, my mother finally found a good person for her who helped to mitigate some of her self-destructive habits, and has been married to my stepdad for over 20 years.

My father was not really part of my life but he did marry a woman who encouraged him to be closer to me. My mother had two lovely boys in her last marriage and my father has a boy and a girl in his. I am very close to all of my brothers and my sister is my maid of honor. The problem is, beyond my siblings I don't feel like I'm really part of either side of my family. My father did not contribute to my education or support me in any way (but paid for the tuition of and even bought cars for my siblings and no, his financial situation did not change much over those years). I worked to put myself through college. I had to take some time off one semester after having surgery and asked my father for some financial help, which he refused.

Needless to say, he is not offering any help with the wedding, and I wouldn't ask. In light of this, I find it a bit cheeky that my stepmother is perturbed that I am not inviting her 6 siblings and their (adult) children. She knows that my fiance and I are financing this ourselves, but has even voiced irritation at our location because it means they will have to fly there. I offered to pay their way and she of course refused, but made a point of saying that they weren't sure they had enough left over for a gift if I got married anywhere besides my hometown (where they still live). I don't care about the gift, but I feel terribly resentful of the attitude.

How do I handle this as a guest list issue? I have all but decided that I will invite my aunts, uncles and cousins from my mom's side and not from my stepmom's side. We can do 75 people at our whole wedding, tops! I'm closer to my mother's side, but that's not simple either. She is fundamentally a loving person but I have a hard time dealing with her for more than a few hours at a time. I just don't feel like she gets credit for raising me, for hosting the ceremony, or anything and done' want to give her any accolades.

So, what is a bride to do in my position? Given these family issues, I'd really consider eloping! Is there a way to manage the guest list nicely? And is there a way to minimize the role my family plays in the wedding without appearing petty to other people?

Independent

Dear Independent

There are indeed things you can do to minimize your angst, but chief among them is that you must focus on the wedding and not on the larger issues of your family dynamics. Nuptials are not the time for making long and complicated statements about your family relationships.

So, here's a question: are you intending to invite your mother's husband's siblings? If you are only planning to invite your birth parents' siblings, then you can easily your stepmother that you can't invite her brothers and sisters in the name of fairness. On the other hand, if you do invite your stepfather's siblings, it would be unfair not to invite your stepmother's brothers and sisters as well. If they have adult children you are not required to invite them, but again, it is important to be consistent. So don't invite some and not others and make sure you treat both sides (in this case both stepparents) evenly.

Once you have worked out your plan, stick to your guns. You can keep saying that you are sorry that you can't invite everyone but this was a hard choice you have to make. Don't let your stepmother bait you into responding or fighting. Just let her be. Don't elaborate of get defensive or justify. Be calm and make it impossible for her to fight with you.

Now, if you don't want your parents to be hosts, don't imply that they are. Issue the invitations yourselves. Don't invite anyone to walk you down the aisle. You don't even need an aisle if you want to avoid the entire bit of business. You can walk alone to meet your fiance at the altar, or you and he can walk there together.

Beyond that, dispense with all traditions that irk you. You can have a dance with your father if you like, but not if it troubles you. You can skip all open acknowledgment of your parents, if that is preferable.

Really, what you need to do is settle upon what works best for you. Figure out a balance that is comfortable so that you treat your parents well, but know that the wedding doesn't have to be a celebration of your parents. Remember that the best triumph for you is to have a beautiful wedding that demonstrates your independence, and being gracious to your family will only demonstrate the extent of your power.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:28 AM    <link>

SAD DAD

Dear Elise,

My parents split up ten years ago. My mom initiated the split and now has a boyfriend who I like. My dad is single, lonely, and the break up obviously still bothers him a lot. In fact, it is the unspoken (actually, often spoken) subtext of almost every conversation we have.

My father has told me that he will walk me down the aisle at my wedding (a few weeks from now), he will not attend my wedding reception, nor will he speak to my mother or any of her family. I love my dad and I know this situation is difficult for him. Adding to his discomfort is the fact that we will be having the event in boathouse on a lake (near my mother's family) where there won't be many a "hiding" places for him.

Our wedding will not be formal. In fact, we are already legally married through a civil ceremony last year. None of our ideas for a ceremony included the tradition of my father "giving me away." Now I am faced with the prospect of his not participating at all.

Is there any happy medium to be found? I feel bad for making things more difficult for him through our choice of venue and location, but also am afraid I would resent his dictating the format of the event if we do go with the walk-down-the-aisle idea.

Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck,

Understand that people who don't like each other who have been invited to a wedding are not required to have anything to do with each other. Every day there are scads of weddings where divorced parents of the bride and groom manage to get through the happy occasion without speaking to each other. One of the chief advantages of having things like assigned seating at a reception is that one is able to seamlessly, graciously, delicately keep people who should not even breathe the same air, on opposite sides of a room.

These things will not help you if your father does not accept the fact that this event is about you and your relationship, not what went on between him and your mother. He is trying to control your event a little bit. He wants your mother to feel guilty, and is threatening to conspicuously absent himself from the reception after participating in the ceremony. That isn't fair to you, regardless of the circumstances of the divorce.

So, if you won't want a walk down the aisle, you can tell him that this is not your plan. Go on to let him know in no uncertain terms that it is extremely important to you that he be present for the ceremony and the reception. Perhaps you plan to toast him or dance with him, or maybe you just want to have him there. Tell him that his absence at the reception would be sad for you and think about ways he can be "protected" from your mother. Does he have some friends he might want to invite? Do you have relatives from his side of the family you could also invite to keep him company? Let him know that you will seat him far away from your mother and that he doesn't have to look at her if he doesn't want to, but that you need for him to work with you on a plan for the wedding. You shouldn't have to do what you don't want to do, but it may help your father to know that you are open to other possibilities than the aisle walk (which is far from mandatory).

Weddings require compromises on all fronts, and your father needs to begin thinking about finding a way to attend his daughter's wedding. If you work with him to find some companions, he may even enjoy himself.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:09 AM    <link>

DOESN'T SHE KNOW SHE'S INVITED?

Dear Elise,

We are hosting our daughter's wedding. Do we send an invitation to the groom's mother?

- Planning

Dear Planning,

You DO mean to invite the woman, don't you? Or don't you?

If you do mean for her to come, then yes indeed, pop your missive in the mail. Even if it seems obvious, everyone involved with the wedding gets an invitation: guests, wedding party members, parents of the bride and groom (depending on who is hosting). Leave no one out. Take no chances. There's no point to economy in this situation.

Cheers and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:35 PM    <link>

DID I DO EVERYTHING WRONG?

Dear Elise,

It seems I've already been making every etiquette foul people can think of. I sent my invitations too early (I thought giving them six months' notice was a good thing, since we didn't do save the dates), forgot to include the website password on them (but we kind of like that we have to manually approve everyone who wants to see the site), have included items for our honeymoon on our registry (and yes, they are like "$100 towards dinner or a spa treatment or whatever," which I guess does look like "I want your money").

Where does etiquette matter, and where does it not? I don't know how savvy my friends/family/guests are about this stuff. It was certainly new to me, and I don't want to upset or offend people. And of course, I don't want people to think I'm a flaming idiot, either. Though I may be too late for that now.

Should I just cancel the password-protection feature of our website and delete the honeymoon items from our registry? Or am I just being paranoid?

- I suck at this wedding stuff

Dear wedding Stuff,

Hang on! I'm not so sure you've been as remiss as you think you've been.

Rather than get caught up in the small details of etiquette, which you can always investigate, keep in mind the central concept that any comportment doyenne would tell you to follow: take people's feelings and comfort into account.

Some of the things you say you did "wrong" have a practical element. The reason invitations go out six to eight weeks before an event is that potential guests don't tend to arrange their lives so far in advance. (If you think they will need that time, to make travel plans, for instance, this is where save the date missives come in handy.) You haven't been rude, but you may have created a lot of extra work for yourself in that you may have to embark upon a large phone call campaign to track down responses from people who, seeing the wedding is far in the future, forgot to respond.

So that's far from a disaster.

As for the question of your wedding web site, you aren't particularly being rude in not having provided your password. You are being forgetful. Now you can send the password to all of your prospective guests and forget about it. The only possible awkwardness you could generate would be if you never provided a password for some select guests who might wonder why they aren't allowed to see your web site.

Finally, you don't give details about your registry, but the biggest problem comes if you ask for money, or presents at all, on your invitation. Suggesting that the invitation only comes as part of an exchange (for a present) is ungracious. It isn't uncommon, though, for people to put registry information on a back page of a web site. While cash requests are almost always controversial, you could always take down any registry item that you feel compromises you. This is hardly the most glaring etiquette issue.

Mistakes get made all the time. Now that you're aware that there are protocols that can make things easier, you can look into them, but in truth, it doesn't sound as if you've done anything that qualifies as egregious or hurtful.

Congratulations,


Elise

posted by Elise at 5:51 AM    <link>

DO I HAVE TO GET IT?

Dear Elise,

Should the mother of the groom be assigned what gift she should purchase? She has been assigned a cheap mediocre gift thus far. Thank you for your help.

- It's Awful

Dear It's Awful,

I am not sure I understand your question. For whom is this present intended? Who did the assigning?

Generally speaking, presents are things that the givers decide on their own to give. They can ask for help from people, as in: "What do you want for your birthday?" Of course wedding couples can register for their weddings, which gives guests a big hint about what presents they would like. But unless you are part of some sort of group experience where you are pooling your energies and each buying part of some larger present, getting a gift "assignment" is not standard practice.

If you don't want to give a specific present, you don't have to. There are no rules about that. You might want to pursue the interests of your present's recipients. If they really really really want something dreadful and you know it would make them happy without doing serious damage, what is the harm in giving it to them? As long as you don't have to look at it, all should be well.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:51 AM    <link>

GUESTS TO RECEPTION ONLY

Dear Elise,

My boyfriend (soon to be fiance) and I have always imagined a small, intimate ceremony with only immediate family and a few friends, with a reception afterwards where extended family and friends could join in and celebrate with us. We're each from different coasts, so we're thinking of having two different receptions.

My parents are starting to put pressure on us to open the ceremony to extended family because they're afraid the guests would feel "cheated" or pressured to drop a gift and go if it's only a reception. There are also a number of out of state/country guests who might attend.

What is the etiquette for this? I don't feel like making our ceremony a "show" to boost the entertainment factor and gift-giving factor for the guests. If people are coming from out of state or even out of the country, is it appropriate to ban them from the ceremony?

Thanks,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Actually, your plan isn't particularly novel at all. Even in the ancient annals of etiquette one can find formatting suggestions for invitations to wedding receptions that don't include ceremony invitations.

For the record, the traditional format looks like this:

HOST'S NAMES
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding reception
for
BRIDE'S NAME
And
GROOM'S NAME
Date
Time
Place

But the fact that there is a long-standing tradition for this sort of affair won't necessarily make your parents more comfortable with your plan. You can tell them that you understand that yours is not an unusual decision and that you also know that no one is required to give a present, but that you would prefer to have a smaller ceremony.

Ideally you'd avoid using language about putting on a show or entertaining your guests. That isn't the reason your parents want their friends at your wedding. A wedding is often a big deal for parents. It is a huge point of transition for everyone and it is a nice thing that they want their friends to witness it. Acknowledge their interests and if you feel you can, allow them a couple of invitations to the ceremony so that they have some flexibility.

Having said all of this, you have to weigh your own comfort in all of this. Some people would have no trouble at all inviting people to a wedding reception but not the wedding and others would feel that the gesture isn't gracious enough. If you are having two receptions, your problems are somewhat solved since all you have to do is invite people to whichever reception that is most convenient.

Finally, remember that you wouldn't be pulling some sort of bait and switch. A reception-only invitation lets people know the score in black and white and guests can make their own decisions.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:35 AM    <link>

MY FAMILY IS HUGE, HIS IS SMALL

Hi Elise:

I was just wondering if the makeup of the rehearsal dinner has anything to do with who pays? I ask because approximately 15% of the rehearsal dinner will be made up of my fiance's family/out of town guests (he comes from a small family, mine is big.)

Additionally, my parents are paying for everything else, and it's probably going to be a 200 person wedding.

I just want to know if I should feel guilty about his parents paying for it since their "people" are going to represent a small portion, or if that's not really typically relevant. Thank you!

Miss Big-Family

Dear Miss Big Family,

This is a situation where a conversation is in order. It is true that traditionally, the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. This is framed as a "courtesy," a thank you to the bride's family for hosting everything else nuptial related. As a result, the groom's parents traditionally are in charge of maintaining the guest list numbers because no one should be forced into bankruptcy because of a party.

While paying for weddings no longer follows such strict protocols, it sounds as if your future in-laws are expecting to host the rehearsal dinner.

If this is the case, you should speak to them about their plans and their budget. Explain that you do have a large family and you aren't comfortable leaving them out of the rehearsal dinner. Let them know the numbers. It is possible that they were expecting this, since they surely know your family's size by now. It is possible they may want to rearrange their plans to accommodate. If they get worried, you could offer to contribute to financing the rehearsal dinner.

In this situation there is no need to feel guilty wanting to include so many people, especially if you are willing to offset some of the expenses. Let them know what you are thinking and see what plays out.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:56 AM    <link>

IN WHAT ORDER?

Elise,

In sending out a card from my whole family, is it correct to list from "wife, husband, children" or "husband, wife, children"? Or, does it not matter and is personal preference?

Please reply.

Thanks,

Writing

Dear Writing,

Traditional etiquette follows a standard "ladies first" policy (with the obvious exception of the "Mr. and Mrs. HisName TheirLastName format, which generates so much of correspondence on these pages). So, if you're naming everyone, names could appear as: wife, husband, children, without anyone's brows furrowing.

Having said that, since it sounds as if you're describing informal correspondence, and you are free to list everyone's names in the manner that would be most effective and amusing.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:02 PM    <link>

MY MOTHER IS MY BUSINESS

Dear Elise, I am getting married next year, and I plan to invite some of my coworkers whose company I enjoy and who I work with closely. However, since these are professional relationships, I have kept a few things about my private life from them, because it doesn't seem appropriate to discuss it at work. Specifically, I have not told them that I do not have a relationship with my mother.

My mother is a drug addict who has been nothing but abusive to me throughout my life. I am an adult now, and I am happy and stable and at peace with the fact that my mother is not in my life. She is not invited to the wedding, of course, which causes me no personal distress.

However, I'm wondering how to broach the issue when my coworkers begin to wonder why my mother is not at my wedding. As you can imagine, I don't particularly want to advertise the fact that I am the daughter of a drug addict. How should I handle this delicate issue? Thank you!

Private Bride

Dear Private

Well, why do you have to explain your mother's shortcomings to your coworkers? You like them enough to invite them to your wedding but that doesn't mean they're entitled to know all of the intimate details of your family history. Did anyone suggest to you that your mother's absence would require that you explain everything to anyone who asks?

You don't have to say anything.

If someone asks why your mother is not at your wedding, all you have to say is that she was not in a position to attend. You could say you aren't close if you feel like it but really, you don't owe anyone any sort of conversation about this at all, and it is likely that the more civil of your guests would not pry. If someone asks where she is, all you have to say is that your mother couldn't make it.

This is your wedding, and being the bride has a lot of obligations, real and implied, but an in-depth accounting of your family life isn't among them.

Keep in mind that the event will work for you. Any time a conversation starts that you don't like, you will almost surely be dragged off to start another chat with someone else. Unfortunately this also happens with the conversations you enjoy as well.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:04 PM    <link>

STAGE FRIGHT

Dear Elise,

Neither my fiance nor I like public speaking. We are having a destination wedding and everyone is coming from a distance. We are getting married on a Friday and some people will have to take off of work. My aunt and uncle are allowing us to be married on their vineyard. My parents are financing half of the wedding. The wedding will be small (50 people or so), informal and outdoors.

I have been telling my groom that we HAVE to get up and make a short speech, thanking everyone for coming, and thanking our parents and my aunt and uncle for allowing us to have the wedding on the vineyard. I told him it doesn't have to be long but he's refusing. If he refuses, I'll get up and do it myself- which I think will just make him look ridiculous! If he hears that it is necessary from others, it will change his mind.

Thank you!

Going to Be Gracious

Dear GTBG,

It is wonderful that you have the urge to thank everyone at your wedding and good of you to put your reluctance to speak on the back burner for a few minutes. Regardless of your fiance's reluctance, you should absolutely speak. You wouldn't look foolish at all, if you stand up alone. You will look smashing and poised.

Practically, there are two issues at work here and they may appear to come into conflict.

First, your parents and your aunt and uncle should be thanked for everything they are doing for you, and of course guests will be happy to know that you appreciate their presence.

Second, no one is required to give a speech. So if your fiance is absolutely determined to sit tight and keep his mouth buttoned, that is his prerogative.

Having said that, he does need to thank your relatives (and his own), and this is what needs to be impressed upon him. Tell him that it is important to you that all the parts of your family know how happy he is about their generosity. Give him the option of writing some nice sincere notes, one to your aunt and uncle, one to your parents and, if appropriate, one to his own parents.

This set up is a winning one for you. Your family will be happy if he sends them letters while you do the talking or the dread of writing letters may make him decide to just get up and speak with you.

You are correct that your fiance must make some sort of gesture, but he is allowed to pick the one that would make him most comfortable.

Suggest these options to him and see what he decides to do.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:53 AM    <link>

PRESENTS? PRESENTS? BUELLER?

Dear Elise,

I was married about a month ago and quite surprised that 10 of my close friends that attended did not give any wedding present or even write a card. This was an expensive, formal event and these are close friends that I have either lived with or hung out with through college.

I know that they are students and I didn't expect much, but even a little $10 present would have been nicer than nothing. Is it possible that the gifts could have been lost in the mail? Should I say anything about the missing presents?

I have ordered several photographic thank you cards with a photo from the day that I wanted to give my friends as a memento, but should I send them? What should I say if I do?

Thanks,

-Mystified Bride

Dear Mystified,

The difficulty of your situation is that wedding presents are, traditionally speaking, almost optional. One is not really required to give a present but it is a good idea, as you say, to at least send a card, thanking the bride and groom and letting them know that you wish them all the best.

In your case, your friends may still intend to send you something but might not be being particularly prompt about it. People often give wedding presents after the fact and there's nothing wrong with that.

Still, though, a wedding present isn't such a requirement that you need to use it as a test of friendship. Perhaps they are broke, perhaps a present will be forthcoming, perhaps they feel uncomfortable about their circumstances and hope you won't notice. If you must, think of the fact that you now have ten thank you notes you don't have to write and find stamps for.

As a general matter, you should not ask about presents unless you have reason to believe they have gone missing. If, for instance, you have received notification from a store that a package is en route to you and it never shows up, then you can ask about it, but you should keep mum about all other missing or nonexistent presents.

If you want to send cards to your guests that feature pictures of your wedding, you don't have to skip the people who didn't send you presents unless you want to. If you do send the non-gift-givers a card you can simply say that you are so happy they could be there for your wedding. Whether or not you send the cards is strictly up to you. If you aren't feeling it, don't exert yourself.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:48 AM    <link>

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